#idk I'm just guessing I'll stop now
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when I want to write something self indulgent to give me all the angsty and cuddly hurt/comfort feels but I can't because I end up feeling guilty because I'm seeking after feels that I feel in an inappropriate place because my mom told me one time when I was 15 that I shouldn't search that out or it's probably sexual sin but it confuses me because ALL the feels happen that way for me even if it's entirely platonic and nonsexual and so I don't know if it's okay to want to write to that because apparently all pleasure of any sort, even over platonic stories, is sexual or comes with a possibly probably sexual feeling and I also am having a hard time figuring out what's genuine conviction from God and what's just my anxiety/OCD/perfectionism/fear of failure
#like I feel like it's conviction. but also when I analyze it... I'm not doing anything sexual??? the stories I'm writing are#ENTIRELY platonic#it's like. found family feels.#but then why do I feel so guilty/convicted over it and feel better/less guilty when I stop writing anything feelsy#like... I guess I'm only allowed to write plot and can't ever write hugs and hurt/comfort anymore#my mom keeps saying I should journal all this instead of venting it at everybody and honestly maybe she's right#idk how to handle this but also I feel like if I just find a holding pattern where I can strike a healthy balance of lile#like* what is correct and healthy for me to enjoy#then the anxiety over it might pass? I don't want to avoid conviction though but like. why am I convicted over#writing a story where someone who's been treated like a monster finds a family who loves them#like.. is it because I'm seeking out whatever that feeling in my lower belly/groin is????#but that's like... so tied up in enjoyment and hurt/comfort to me that idk if I'm ACTUALLY looking for that#or if this is just what I write#and idk if that even is sinful in any way at all!!!#and why can't I just get over this? like I keep going in circles with it and it's so frustrating#idk this is totally tmi I just got hit with this awful feeling after work today and the only thing I can pinpoint it to#is this specific thing I've been writing. but even though yeah I've been getting feelsy with it... it's PLATONIC#ENTIRELY COMPLETELY NONSEXUAL. so like... is it that pleasure feeling that's the thing I'm being convicted over??#probably. bc that's the only thing that eases the feeling of conviction/anxiety/guilt#and also probably no one is reading all these tags lol sorry guys I'll go away now
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Blanche's grandma's place is the only place she felt consistently loved in... no I'm fine. I'm fine
#the IMPLICATIONS#i completely forgot about that line#room 7 makes me lose my mind in general but ohhh my god#OH my god#i'm#yeah no i'm fine#i have so many feelings about this i can't even put them into words#idk but she speaks about that place with so so much nostalgia#we see blanche in a way we've never seen her with anyone from her past#she didn't look even remotely as happy or peaceful (or nostalgic!) when she visited her childhood home#but when she's in her grandma's old home? she calls it her family home#she talks about it like *that's* the place she grew up in#because apparently it was the only place she was always sure she could be loved#so i guess it might not have been the only place she grew up in#but it sure sounds like it was the one place she was allowed to be herself in and still be loved unconditionally#without competing for anyone's attention#ohh blanche ;-;#i teared up when she held that windchime and smiled right before finally leaving that house#that was *such* a powerful moment ;-;#anyway#uh#i guess i'll just go and stare at a wall or something now#the golden girls#blanche devereaux#adding on to this to say that maybe it really was the only place she grew up in#because to grow up i'd say you need an environment where you can at least somewhat freely explore your identity#without feeling a constant need to be the best/cutest/prettiest sister to get your parents' love and approval#it sounds like blanche grew older in her childhood home#and she got the chance to *grow up* with her grandma#(i knoooow i'm reading too much into this but i can't stop thinking about this episode)
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eaouuugh
#corpse husband#amongus#I guess#help me pls#I've forgotten how to draw people that aren't fnf shaped#iiidk brainron not wanting to leave me alone#I know it's just 2 unfinished things plus a weird bean thingamajig but eh#maybe I'm worried if I don't upload I'll procastinate and won't end up producing anything cause I know I won't finish these doodles#and I started to not like the previous corpse attempt much I guess bc the teeth were so lame#so more teeth for better or worse yeehaw#idk if there'll be more corpse art or not tbh maybe I should just doodle more beans cause then I can draw his cute lil friends aswell#like a green sykkuno bean and a red rae bean and the rest aswell maybe ahh the possibilities lol#cause I probably won't draw anyone else otherwise bc learning how to draw more actual people is too much dang effort tbh ha ah well#k will stop rambling about nothing now ok cool#so enjoy more amongus ish corpse attempts or do not it's whatever#among us#I draw what I want#feel free to ignore nws ha#more bombeep and regular stuff soon hopefully fingers crossed#stream 'Never Satisfied' on spotify bc idk good music and also yelling ha#anyways laters k bye
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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Just some more Still Wakes the Deep blah blah, but omg having just been diagnosed Diabetes type 1 myself recently, it makes me only love and feel for Roy 10X more...
This shit is litteraly poison, but so does the food we eat with how much sugar there is in ugh OTL
Never thought in a million year I had DT1, I had 0 symptoms and am in pretty good shape, but then suddenly, organs are starting to hurt really badly out of nowhere...
Don't wait too long poeple and check with your doctors even if there's ''nothing'' T0T and to all Diabetic ppl out there, keep on fighting 💪✨
#random#delete later#first 2 weeks of diagnosis i didn't realized what it meant to live with this#but the 3rd week it really sinked it and i couldn't stop crying everyday#i felt even more like a failure and it made me even more angry that my biological parents left me with that#being adopted i have no medical history and i was already living a quite healthy life style#ofc it could have been even better but now i have to do many extra steps#everything's back to normal now but holy shit that hit me like a truck#plus it was urgent since it had been MONTHS it was left untreated and my family doctor just never told me or bothered to check my blood tes#so ughh idk it sucks with life being already hard as it is#high blood pressure now this... tho theyre probably related#i prepared my bucket list sooo i guess LET'S GO?! jk jk#i'm scared to have a heart attack or stroke in the middle of nowhere where no one i love is around... and that'll be it#but i mean if it happens it happens i guess XD#i'm hopefull now but holy shit... fucking pancreas who just decides to stop working#when you read more about DT1 it just feels like a bad employee who suddenly doesn't want to work anymore#and the good boss cant do anything about it#oh well#as long as i can still create art i'll be fine and happy#diabetic? more like diabethicc
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anyway. i think i am going to order a pizza from my favorite pizza place. i think i deserve it today
#im gonna try to stop doomposting now outside of like. reblogs on my main or something#because weirdly i think the less that i externalize my current thoughts the easier it'll be to get my brain to chill the fuck out#but honestly i've been planning to order that pizza since like noon. this is just a good excuse if anything#other than that they have free delivery today for some reason#if its good enough i'll work on more ebony stuff. dont need to rush quite as much now. so i guess i can do more ideas#it'll at least calm me down enough to think more rationally. it's been really fun to work on. that son of a bitch#i'll figure out what to do with it when i'm done idk. pizza time not think time
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#*beep* oh. hey. guess you're sleeping? maybe you're at work. or out with friends. i hope wherever you are it's good#or that it's getting better. i really do#i'm not good. but you knew that already. otherwise why would i be leaving this message?#sorry. i just need to talk for a bit i guess#cause it's like. every day i write a hundred posts and every day i delete most if not all of them#and i could not tell you why#this is my blog after all. my words and thoughts go here#but also. this is my third place. and i can't lose that#isn't that crazy? i can't lose the handful of notes from reblogging other people's posts#the idea that somehow i'm constructing myself in the cut and paste instead of doing something myself#and i do try to make posts of my own. but nothing's ever worth posting. i don't even let it rot in the drafts. it's just gone#and i try to think about what would stop me from doing this#which inevitably brought me here - what would i be doing if it were fifty years ago#and i think the answer is i'd be calling someone who used to care and blowing up their answering machine#and i think about old answering machines. the ones that need a tape to record the message#does dora just re-record over the tapes that harry fills?#does she trash them? i'm guessing she doesn't listen to them#i won't tell you what to do with this message. i'll spare you a call to action#it's not like a diary would fix this. i have a diary. i've been keeping one regularly for months now#i think i want to be perceived but i refuse to speak unless spoken to and i will not reach out on here unless i'm being a kindly anon#and when i talk irl it's all broken disjointed subjects without predicates#it takes such effort for me to talk that people stop asking me out of kindness. but there's still thoughts i haven't said#thoughts that don't need to be said. we don't *need* another person rambling on about whatever random fandom topic or half-assed scribbles#i tried making serious art and meta posts for like four years across different fandoms#it's all gone now. as is most of my poetry. lotta things i don't know or care to know#and i can't bring myself to do that again. esp if that's not why you're here. so like. it's easier just to remain quiet?#because. i know people *can* understand. but it takes effort#and i can't guarantee a return on investment. i don't know if the cost of teaching me how to talk again is worth it#god i want to infodump but that was beaten out of me. the need is still there but i can't. it hurts#idk. things are good and then things are bad and on the whole they're good and getting better
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"Izuru Kamukura is not a separate person from Hajime Hinata" and "Izuru is an interesting character in his own right, separate from Hajime" are two statements that don't seem like they should coexist, and yet both of them are in my brain lately.
#not a reblog#danganronpa#izuru kamukura#look. lOOK.#the story in the game suggests that hajime reclaims his life#the narrative builds to that and the anime character design reinforces it#they're not two separate people they're one person taking on new info#/but also/#izuru when he's first created is his own distinct personality#he has no memory of his time before so he can't really be called the same#not at that point#idk i'm rambly and just want to talk about things i guess#but i'mma stop now because i'm dozing off#and in the morning i'll see if this is remotely coherent
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I changed my mind. Hater behavior is undeserved, when it comes to works, & idgaf about holding creators accountable when their games are mid, anymore.
#em.txt#now i only care about how you treat your workers tbh#so there are still series i hate. but now I don't want to be mean to people who put time & effort into making shit#this is about post shift 2. people were too fuckin mean to Rjac for a game he made for free#& as a bitch who loves that game a lot i see your criticisms i understand. but you're not gonna be mean to him abt this#that fucking teen that held that interview & told him he needed to be held accountable for his mistakes. god#he made this shit for free across four years. what can happen in four years? what did he work through?#to deliver you a free game. even if you don't fucking like the game if you invite a creator on to talk about their works#you don't fucking talk to them the way uyeah did. shit was cruel & uncalled for.#this game is fucking good but it's forever going to be burried as a game that's complicated with weird tutorials#ps2 is fun. you should try it. if you don't get it -- ask. I'll answer any question at any time#i will vc you i will write a text doc -- whatever you want. more people need to experience this fucking game#it's compelling in a way few games are to me.#i can homestly only compare it to rain world but not for a reason that's overt & easy to explain. more in how it feels to play#rather than what you do.#man. idk. i gotta learn how to talk about shit i love without being mean now#this started because i was talking mad shit to my friends & it asked me to stop because i was downtalking something she loved a lot#& i realized this isn't fun for people. i thought we were having fun but tbh? I'm just a mean negative bitch#& that's not fun. that's mean.#i have to redo this character arc from when i was 13 because i guess I didn't learn it the first time around#cynicism doesn't make you funny or cool. it makes you mean & unfun to be around. finding kind things to say is tougher.#if you can present your criticism nicely then maybe you can criticize too#but that alone does not a good critique make & it definitely don't make you fun at parties#listen. i am still gonna be a bitch. but i am going to be less of one.
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my brother called me for christmas and i didn't recognize him because he has a deep voice now very much felt like killing myself when he said "this is [his name and my little sister's name] btw" at the end of the voicemail
#i was like is this a wrong number is this a prank because it's not particularly funny it's most likely a wrong number because i literally#don't know any random man who would be calling me for christmas#this is crazy#he's 12 and a half. 12 and 3/4 actually. so ig that tracks (yeah) but like#crazy#i haven't seen him or my little sister or my stepmother who isn't my stepmother anymore in 4 years because i HATED going to my dad's it was#the bane of my existence from 2009 to 2019 and i loved my brother and my little sister i loved seeing them but i don't regret the fact that#i stopped going even if it means i no longer have a relationship with them and only talk on our birthdays or i guess on christmas#like it does make me sad and when i considered not going anymore before i actually stopped i always thought about them and about how much i#loved them and i do miss them and hate the fact that idk we were only close for the first 8 years of my brother's life and 6 years of my#little sister's life but at the end of the day...it's like with my dad not having that substantial of a relationship with him (i see him a#few times a year for like a couple hours tops and like we talk but we don't TALK but we're not on bad terms we talk more now than we did#when i went to his house semi-regularly for the weekend) makes me sad but i can just. not think about it. and then i'm not sad lmao. like#yeah i'll have dreams about it (not as much as i used to) because it is a thing that is always going on with me but it's NOTHING compared#to what going there was like like i thought about it SO MUCH it made me SO MISERABLE and like actively miserable this is easier to deal#with. passively miserable. but not recognizing my brother's voice was crazy#i always call my little sister my little sister and i don't say that with my brother because i have another sister and she's ALSO my little#sister but not as little😭 like my sister: my sister who's 18 my little sister: my sister who's 10. my dad forbid us from saying half-#sibling🙏#and like i say: brf slt
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len was the type of kid to "crush" on anyone who was nice to him (haha same).
anyways so when miku was the first person outside of his family to make him feel truly respected as a trans man without coming out first. there came the crush.
but also she did his hair a few times til he found a style he liked and mmm domestic intimacy cute.
#vocaloid#vocaloid headcanons#kagamine len#hatsune miku#lenku#vocaloid ships#just trans stuff#len is trans#i don't make the rules#transphobia#but it's hinted#i guess#fyi i am nonbinary here and maybe i'm projecting idk#maybe this wil stay in the drafts#i probably would fall head over heels for whoever saw me as an enby without coming out#oh the validity#i will live vicariously through my comfort character#try to stop me#ok ok i'll stop rambling in the tags now
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Girl you gotta write your term paper and not cry about your poor life choices
#tw eating issues#seriously idk how much detail I'll go into but i had a full blown relapse of my eating disorder i thought I had overcome and i gotta cry#about it now so you've been warned#i didn't think it could get this bad again#I've been having ups and downs over the past 4 years and I've definitely had phases where i felt like I've relapsed more or less#but it was never as bad as it used to be#so now this is annoying#i avoided thinking about it the past few weeks telling myself it was fine even though i knew what I'm doing is stupid as hell#but yeah i guess crying about it isn't gonna solve anything either. i know exactly what helped me overcome it in the first place#and i know exactly why i couldn't get over it for so long. and unfortunately I'm currently in exactly that state of mind that doesn't want#to let me let go of it. i hate it. i hate myself for letting it come to this. i hate myself for everything I've done the past few weeks#i hate that i don't know what to do because one part of me just clings on to the obsession while the other part of me is just tired of my#shit. i don't know how to get myself out of it. it all might get better once I'm back home because food won't be as much of a problem there#I'm torn between not eating anything at all or obsessively calculating my calories and trying to get rid of every single one i consume by#running until my feet are bleeding and i just. don't. know. how. to. stop. it.#maybe deleting the three new food and exercise diary apps would be a start... but how do i delete these dumb arbitrary rules from my head#idk. i can't go home because of this obviously. i won't. but i don't want my remaining 3 months be consumed by obsessive thoughts and#self destructive behaviors either. i don't know#it's my fault so idk why I'm crying- i could at least wait until my term paper is done lmao#wasting precious time here#void screams#tbd probably
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hanging out in this server i'm in is wild to me bc it's a generally very. wholesome place. and there Are dedicated channels for nsfw and there's a Single "dark nsfw" channel that pretty much only hosts stuff like "what if it was TECHNICALLY dubcon but nobody involved was actually forced into doing anything they felt genuinely uncomfortable with" and i'm over here like. what if a character restrained and lobotomized their captive, who was horrified the whole time. what if i invent an abortifacient herb so one character can induce a miscarriage on another in secret, and then accuse them of "not caring about their baby enough" to not lose it. what if there was adoptive incest On Top Of the blood-relative incest. what if i invented ways to violate autonomy using magic or technology that you literally can't do in real life. would that be cool or what
#mine#idk i mean i don't want to judge ppl for not having my taste in fiction#but god damn. the stuff that gets classed as 'dark' in here when it's literally like#the most milquetoast version of 'you could technically consider it dubcon in that it's impossible to consent within that power dynamic'#i guess the thing i'm judging is ppl being like 'ah here's my Dark Stuff' when there's a general sense that Actually Dark Stuff#would get me extremely judgy treatment bc it verges too close to 'apologism'#personally i have no plans to get over when one of the fucking mods said they were uncomfortable with another person in the fandom's#'[incest ship] apologism' bc as we all know. incest ships that are Made Up are things you can be an apologist about In Real Life#which i can only presume is like. talking about them without going 'i'm sooooo sorry i enjoy this i know it's Bad and would be Bad irl'#anyways i'll stop talking to myself now i guess#just feels kinda meh that this space that's very much like. 'we want people to not worry about prejudice in fandom'#is still very susceptible to like. overt judginess abt stuff that Isn't gender and sexuality
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why the hell did my molar have to go and get chipped somehow randomly (i dont know when it happened or how it happened, i just noticed it was very sharp one day earlier this year) right after i was no longer eligible for my dad's insurance that covers dental.... i am going to have to probably pay at least $200+ to get this checked and taken care of,,,, head in my hands. i swear someone up there wants me to off myself I swear to fucking god
#like man can u leave me be. I'll get around to offing myself eventually but im trying to get a few things done first!!#u are draining my savings that i need to pay my mother rent !!! i need that money!! what the hell !!#idk i guess we're just going to move the clock hands forward a couple more notches!!! tick tock times running out apparently!!!#this makes me so fucking frustrated bc this is the ONE thing i get to choose and have control over and you are rushing me into it !!! fuck!#im just. head in hands. banging head against a wall. my jaw aches around the molar today#it just started aching randomly a few hours ago and i feel like now its developing into smth Bad and Expensive#I feel sick thinking abt this. i want to do things !! please can u let me have this last hurrah properly!!!#this is not fair !! nothing is fair i know but christ. i thought i could have like... another year at least without any massive issues#i thought I'd have a year where i could just get shit done before i decide I'm done but nooo we have to rush me apparently#idk. maybe if i ignore it it'll stop aching. maybe the cold outside was bad for it or smth. maybe it's smth I can keep ignoring#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide tw
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GOD how i love the pokemas dialogues <3
#THEY'RE ALWAYS SOSO SILLAY........ THEY'RE ALL SUCH BESTIES HAVING THE TIMES OF THEIR LIVES#like for example my main team is me/bede me/gloria and marnie! and we're constantly having the super silly conversations........#like ok. the me/gloria and me/bede dialogue is me/gloria going 'YAY we won!'#and me/bede saying. smth. idk the brit accent is too hard for me KDHAJDHJAJSJJAHAJDJSHJDJ#AND THEN THE ME/GLORIA AND MARNIE DIALOGUE!!!!!!!! I GO 'GOOD JOB MARNIE! :D' AND SHE GOES 'RIGHT BACK AT U GLORIA! :D'#AND I GO 'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA <333333333'#yeah i'm gay so what#AND THEN THERE'S THE ME/BEDE AND MARNIE DIALOGUE!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD I LOVE THAT ONE#she goes 'guess ur pretty strong now aren't ya?' and i go 'HMM! ofc 😌😌'#so FUCKING adorable man. we're besties frfr#maybe i should like film them someday so u guys can hear too. they're soso silly u guts don't understand <3#i should also maybe....... put hop in my team to hear the dialogues.......... i'm not brave enough tho </3#maybe someday....... just maybe................#OK FINE i'll stop ranting abt pokemas like crazy fkdhdjj
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When these three showed up I just gasped in absolute joy
(anyway so uh upon breaking the new update in it's genuinely just like. Really really good. and istg the trial reward thing kinda scared me at first but I'm pretty sure just about everything you got from the trials you can buy from the new shop so getting said new shop's currency from the trials basically has the same effect I think except now you get to choose what your reward is so yeah. Also one new thing in the shop is like a jar that's basically the shell-out machine from Splatoon 3 so Yippee I can get stuff from before I started playing the game-)
#I'll make like a huge post reviewing the changes eventually I guess but for now I'll just be happy that the cookiemals are here#Cookie run#cookie run spoilers#crob spoilers#cookiemals#Also I had like the dumbest smile on my face seeing that in the limited pool of playable cookies allowed in the paradise test#They decided to give the privilege of a spot to peppercorn. And I'm happy she hasn't been forgotten like she was genuinely a good character#And I hope people will start seeing that instead of just dismissing her for her weapon choice.#(Like. Look. My persian xss thought she was fine at least the way she finally released-)#Ok I need to stop rambling about this like. Idk I brought it up once and I felt like I had to go deeper and if I didn't I would be smote#I don't wanna ramble about this I just wanna play the silly cookie game now#I just get scared that if I don't ramble the moment I bring anything tangentially related to it up that people will start to rant and-#It's 11pm I need to shut up (I didn't used to get this tired at this time but right now I'm already feeling my eyes trying to shut like wha
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