#idk anon some people's coping mechanisms aren't other people's coping mechanisms and that's okay

[not-poignant]

I was thinking of how much work and effort you've poured into FFS and how you've had burnout and health issues since you've been writing it, and then I thought about how horrible Ef would feel knowing someone was experiencing all of that while trying to write his story and then I just felt really sad and protective of both of you.

I hope you're taking care of yourself. <3

I mean, I don't really like to think of it that way, because I get enough guilt from myself (and sometimes other people irl) and I don't want to feel guilty imagining what a fictional character feels re: how I live my life. And 'this person feels terrible about how you're treating yourself so maybe just don't treat yourself that bad so they don't feel terrible anymore' is like very much guilt-tripping. So you don't need to think about it that way anon!

Efnisien can't feel terrible about it, because he's a fictional construct, and I created this version of him mostly to help me get through the pandemic, and the story has very much succeeded at that, and I've talked about that a lot! :)

But quite aside from that - I've had burnout and health issues since I started writing. In fact, I started writing Falling Falling Stars as a way of coping with an even more severe burnout caused by The Ice Plague. It literally came into being as a comfort and catharsis fic for my own self-interest. I didn't really expect anyone to read it, except for like two people, my beta - who loves Efnisien - and...actually my beta lol.

I've always been very honest about being an ill writer. Chronically ill both in terms of mental illness and physical illness. That didn't start with Falling Falling Stars, and you may have missed it before, especially if you only came in to start reading re: the last year or so, but it's like... I have a big track record being very honest about everything from chronic suicidality, to cancer treatments, to burnout due to working too hard and seeing a therapist about it. I've taken long Patreon hiatuses, I didn't work on The Golden Age that Never Was for 8 months, like, me being burnt out, or exhausted, or sick, did not start with Falling Falling Stars.

It's one of the main reasons I write, because if I was healthier, I would have ended up in a different career choice. I write a lot of trauma recovery because I live a lot of trauma recovery. I tend to write characters who aren't actually going through as much as I am, because it starts to become one of those 'that seems unrealistic, no one is dealing with ALL of that stuff at the same time.' But some of us are.

Falling Falling Stars has been an incredibly helpful process for me, even though I've been sick and burnt out at times while writing it. And I've talked a fair bit about that too (maybe you've missed those posts, or maybe it's just easier to focus on the burnout ones). But here's a whole thread about it that I posted on Twitter. There's like 6 listed reasons in that thread re: how Falling Falling Stars has helped me so much, so I think reading that might help. :)

But even if Falling Falling Stars was really hard to write, and was causing more burnout, etc. I don't think imagining my characters feeling really awful about it, or thinking that they feel terrible on my behalf, is a very motivational thing for me to think about. I already have people in real life that wish I didn't push myself too hard, and you know what I do when I feel guilty? Hate myself. Try to hide my problems from them. And conceal the truth from others. You know what it doesn't do? Magically fix the fact that I work too hard to cope with incredible levels of incurable 24/7 pain, fatigue, PTSD and illness. I really really don't need to create more of that in my own head, y'know? Guilt might seem motivational, but it's not really that motivational.

I'm super happy that Efnisien doesn't feel terrible about how I live my life because he's just a character, and he doesn't feel anything about me at all. He doesn't even know I exist. Writing stories is a place I can go to not experience extra guilt and the difficulties of interacting with real people who might go: 'You know I feel awful that you treat yourself this way' and make my problems about themselves, and make me feel responsible for something that isn't actually my issue at the end of the day. (If they feel that bad about it, probably they need to either not be my friend, or see someone about how to cope with their own helplessness, because if other people truly thought that kind of thinking would fix me, I'd be fixed). I know you mean well anon, it might even be a way of thinking that really helps you! And if it does, I'm really glad that it does.

But I'm not looking to feel guiltier about being a sick person who engages in unhealthy behaviours sometimes to cope with being a sick person. And I love Falling Falling Stars, and I've already cut back on how much I was writing it compared to this time last year. (Which I've also mentioned in posts).

I cannot avoid burnout. Even if I did nothing, eventually being this sick just runs my body and brain into the ground. Sometimes waking up and having a shower makes me so tired I start crying and have to go back to bed. I'd rather experience burnout while also getting to feel productive, engaging with people online, enjoying myself and getting to write someone's trauma recovery! Rather than just by lying in bed, still getting brain fog, still feeling agony, still being exhausted, etc. Like obviously I need to learn to strike a balance with it, but I'm better at it than I used to be.

Take care, anon!