#idk how everyone is posting so much art lmao i just spent all my time on the cover and this page

[vigilskeep]

the negative comments about a character in posts about a character are sooooo fucking annoying especially if it's already a disliked/controversial character whose tag you can't enter without being bombarded with negative takes anyway. like listen i get being a hater i do it all the time but idk do it in private. i personally censor the names so it doesn't show in tag but i'm not asking people to do that but can y'all maybe not comment "yeah i dumped them for [the main fandom guy] lmao" under a character romance gifset. litcherally who asked. all this does is makes me dislike the main fandom guy bc somehow it's always their fans acting like dickheads. and the guy himself is like fine i don't hate him he's pretty neat but he's covered in the fucking Ooze™ bc the people who like him are toddlers who don't know how to behave. not to mention doing all that on a post of an artist [as in person who makes any kind of art and not necessarily drawing] who spent their fucking time and effort on something clearly dear to them and you just go "yeah i think they suck" the only one who sucks is you dear commenter. i swear i try to be a nice person but if this goes on i'll lose my shit and start being such a cunt to those people i'll end up with a bajillion callout posts about how i'm soooo negative and ruin the fandom and get in the way of people having fun. WELL THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF Y'ALL WEREN'T GETTING IN EVERYONE ELSE'S WAY OF HAVING FUN. idk what this is and why only fans of characters like g*rrus or ast*rion do it and everyone else has the braincells to have some decency and be a normal human who doesn't comment their very important (no) negative opinion on people's work. MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING POST TELL A FRIEND HOW MUCH THAT OTHER BLORBO SUCKS COMPARED TO YOURS IDK TOUCH GRASS

you're probably gonna look at this and go "anon what the fuck" and yeah i don't blame you i'm just. very tired. feel free to ignore or respond with that mcdonalds cashier meme idk i just needed to say this

i’m patting you on the head consolingly. yeah

[grasscore]

more bummer ramblings below

literally just sitting here crying my eyes out reading people's posts on the bipolar subreddit and like i dont know what to do with any of that.

i've been really scared that what i've been dealing with is addiction, because it felt like adhd impulsivity + stimulation craving but on steroids, like boosted to 100,000%

but idk the more i think about it all, it might be hypo/mania. like im basically nearing about 3 months of constantly just making connections between things in my head, sleeping for only a few hours a night, literally not doing my job, feeling extremely social but only online and completely neglecting irl relationships and responsibilities, not eating or drinking water, etc..

and some of it has been really good! like i have created some art and actually finished some shit for once whereas i usually just get really hype and start a project but never finish. so im happy about that, and i think its ok that i'm like.. trying to be more 'social' online because i work from home and because of covid don't have a ton of irl options for 'public' life. in ways it feels like an improvement to me where before i felt like absolutely 0 motivation at all, just sitting on tiktok for literally 6-10 hours per day (i basically havent even opened the app in like 2 months which felt like an improvement, but im now working WAY less even than when i was in that phase).. but the fact that this 'creative productivity and sociable/positive mood' is paired with me basically not doing my job AT ALL + not sleeping or eating, etc.. ive been feeling a little better in the past couple weeks because i thought like..maybe i have an 'addiction' or at the very least a destructive pattern so i thought the solution could be.. being mega aware of my actions at all times, meticulously tracking every hour of my day and recording what i do and making plans for every chunk of the day..which hasnt been hurting, it's helped me remember the really basic things, keeping my priorities 'straight' in theory. but every second of the day is this really uncomfortable restlessness and if i dont put my energy into a project or something that i'm excited about i feel like im crawling out of my skin.. ive been smoking like crazy. and now that ive finished my project i feel like im itching inside my skin lmao

idk especially reading people's posts on the reddit about how it's showed up throughout their life.. im just thinking about the year where i was 100% convinced that i was like.. in a simulation / samsara and that a meteor was coming.. and that i was getting visions of future iterations of the simulations thru my dreams. but i never told anyone about it because i was like,.. oh i dont actually believe these things, even though i'm terrified out of my mind thinking about them because they feel so real and if i see anything online that is slightly related to 'the simulation' or a meteor hitting earth i would spiral with paranoia and anxiety.

like i just feel like im screaming into the void in all my relationships trying to explain how out of control and scared i feel.. but everyone has just been like 'hey, it's alright, you seem fine to me, your standards for yourself are too high' and im like ok tell that to the fact i've worked maybe 5 hours a week every week for the last 3 months. like ive spent the last month pretty much terrified that im just going to keep making bad/impulsive decisions until i'm fired and/or dead

[da-proti-toku-grem]

🌿 🐚 and 🎨

Ohh these are interesting 👀 Thanks for the ask anon <3

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Okay I'm no expert here (I've been writing for roughly 3 months 😅), so I'd just take it easy on yourself and don't push yourself. I know it's the typical advice that everyone gives you, but it really works. Sometimes we try to push ourselves too much when our brains are not cooperating and compare ourselves to others, but just remember that you're not "too slow" - there are people that are faster and there are others that are slower and that's completely okay! Just take all the time you need and enjoy the journey as much as you can <3

Also, if what you're struggling is with low creativity, I really recommend doing one of those ask games and letting people request different prompts! I started doing the kiss prompts (you can find the original post here if you're interested) when I lost motivation for my fic and they actually helped me SO much. I thought I had absolutely no creativity, but then someone requested a number for whatever ship and I got so many ideas. Like that list, there so many around here on tumblr, I'm pretty sure you can find something that will help you :). And, if you don't want to ask people or something you can still use the prompts anyway! Just search for some, think of a ship you like and let your imagination fly 🩷

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

Idk if this means in fics or just in general but I guess it depends? I do like little surprises like when someone randomly gives you a gift or smth like that, but when it comes to big surprises like a surprise birthday party... It's not like I hate it or something and I really appreciate the effort (I myself have organized quite a few surprise parties for my friends), but those kind of situation give me so much anxiety and I prefer to mentally prepare myself before, so if you throw me a surprise party (a successful one that I don't expect At All) I'll probably have an anxiety attack lmao 😭

BUT when it comes to books/fics (or movies/series as well), I do love surprises. I guess it's mostly because I'm generally good at guessing how they're going to end, so I love when there's some plot twists that I didn't see coming hehe

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

Aaaaa it's impossible to choose just one! This fandom is so full of talented artists and I love every single one of them!!

I'm going to link a few of my favorite pieces tho <3

- this, this & this animation from @flananjan - I think that just telling you that I spent way too long to choose which ones to shares explains it all. I just want to eat every single one of their art pieces :3 (Also special mention to this one they made because of an ask I sent because it's SO cute 🥹)

- this & this (and the whole red dress series) from @luluxa - the Christmas one is SO adorable it had me head in hands crying, and the one from Damon's pics is just so cool and I love the added hand and the "lighting"

- this & this (and this whole series) from @targarrus - I don't know what to say tbh, I just love their art style so much!!! And these are so agzhsbajanzksan <3

And I'll stop here because otherwise I'll be listing people for days, y'all are so talented 😭🫶

Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game

[mango-dolphin]

idk if i sent this to someone else but i probably did and they just haven't answered BUT-

i love the idea of Ren and Itsuki being more, i guess, intelligent?? than Naofumi and Motoyasu. like high IQ, knows a ton of subjects and is VERY well versed in each, kinda way!!!

It makes sense kinda too, Ren is from a hi-tech world which likely needs a lot of extreme just to function in society NORMALLY, and i think he did good with A's and high B's. Itsuki went to a wealthy private school(based on uniform) for people with Superpowers and is probably a straight A honor student!!

that doesn't say anything about how dense/young they are, tho XD

Naofumi, though he is pretty smart, is canonically an otaku nerd who never went past highschool, and likely got like C's and B's. Motoyasu was in university, but with how stupid and stubborn he is i don't think he's too intelligent either XD; he seems like an Art Major(derogatory).

I can imagine Itsuki and Ren having a really engaged, in-depth, "high IQ" intelligent conversation and Nao and Motoyasu CANNOT keep up XD

tl;dr:

i agree that ren is probably a nerd but NOT because he's from a hi-tech world; i also agree that itsuki would be a huge nerd too but it is because he's from a world w/superpowers.

imo ren's range of knowledge would be wider than itsuki's and motoyasu's, but naofumi would have an even wider range and a greater depth of applicable knowledge because of how he spent his time in melromarc's world.

itsuki & motoyasu's intelligences would probably be confined to specific fields, perhaps even specific applications to a certain extent. their depth of knowledge would run pretty deep in that regard i feel

kizuna would also have a wide range of knowledge, some more shallow than others. she'd be a lot more practically (and emotionally) equipped than ren would, tbh

didn't mention it in the ramblings below, but i decided to add up my placements on all of the characters' intellects, and it looks like this: Naofumi > Kizuna > Itsuki > Motoyasu > Ren > Motoyasu again (because of the mental illnesses)

(DO note that these are in comparison to each other and not really how smart i think they actually are, which is something i could probably elaborate on later. there were some where i realized that the heroes would all be better than the average person, and there were a couple where i realized that the heroes weren't that smart in that category.)

however ren & itsuki would be so much better at, say, math than naofumi or kizuna would be. i'm sorry.

however i think motoyasu and naofumi would have soooorta equal math smarts (just different applications of what they know) so.

my actual post (sorry that it keeps getting so long)

hmmMMMM i will admit, as fun as these headcanons are, i don't know how much i can reciprocate...? i think there's a fallacy here wrt money, technology level, and education as they relate to knowledge: while having more of any one of those three can make access to knowledge easier, it doesn't necessarily mean that becoming more knowledgeable (either willingly or unwillingly) is a guarantee.

you ARE right that education doesn't say anything on how dense/young (immature?) they are. but i'd also like to call into question what we're calling "intelligence" here, as personally i think everyone has a different thing that they're "smart" in (if they're smart in anything at all). and the different heroes All definitely have a variety in that regard.

(personally i don't really buy into IQ points / IQ stuff either because it doesn't really say What that sort of intelligence is supposed to entail, i've always seen it as a thing white people use as a bragging right PRBTBBTT)

THAT SAID. i still think ren has a decent chance of being the (intellectually—i mean specifically logical*) smartest of the cardinal heroes just from his personality alone LMAO. i think the comparative list of logical intelligence looks like:

Ren

Naofumi (above Itsuki by a very close margin that only was made further after their time in Melromarc's world)

Itsuki

Motoyasu

Kizuna (including kizuna because she's a cardinal hero too and i like her.)

PLEASE note that i'm not trying to call Kizuna stupid here (in fact, i think she's decently smart; average intelligence for her age at the VERY least)—rather I'm trying to call Motoyasu smart (or at least. also average intelligence for his age w/some specializations)

(*invoking from the multiple intelligences theory, proposed by howard gardner. essentially, the theory claims that human "intellect" is actually split up into different modalities, rather than intelligence being one singular ability. i think this theory just Makes Sense™ because like. humans are far too complex. but also i didn't mean to bring in psychological theory just for headcanons HELP ME.

(further reading from the website this was taken from here!)

of course not everyone agrees that this theory is applicable to daily life or questions of intelligence, and additionally i may not even be naming more common reasons as to why people disbelieve this theory? but i support it and at the very least appreciate the classifications so i'm gonna borrow its basic proposed ideas for the rest of the post.)

i try to avoid Quantifying traits like intelligence tbh, but also there's no disregarding the fact that some people are just better at different shit than others. difference is a Thing. it Exists™. so with that, i'm gonna ramble about my headcanons/the vibes that i get wrt the 9 intelligence types in gardner's theory:

(NOTE: got tired in the middle of this so i'm not gonna comment on/define all of these. if you'd like me to, send me an ask for another category and i can go in-depth! i just realized that this post is getting LONG.)

Visual / Spatial (i rearranged this list SO FUCKING MUCH)

Best: Naofumi. Remembered that he got into jewelry-making; becoming a traveling trader probably unlocked some latent advertising/graphic design awareness locked in his subconscious after years of curating manga, anime, games, and doujinshi LMAO. Also has some great senses on the field, combined w/his stupendous leadership his ability to apply his intelligence here is off the charts.

(2) Itsuki. Great at visualizing things relative to where he is, and definitely would have to have that kind of awareness in order to be a good archer. Placing him this high because—ironically enough—I think he'd be close to the best at analyzing "chain reactions" (how things not only interact in a space, but how those interactions will affect everything else around them).

(3) Ren. Despite probably being used to cramped spaces more often than not, he's also used to VR, so he'd probably be more aware than most on what may be in his surroundings. Just as good at considering "chain reactions" as Itsuki would be. Probably knows a thing or two about graphics as well—not saying that he's an artist by any means, but rather he'd be exposed to art (in advertising) to the same degree anyone incredibly online or in a very urbanized space might be. Might have taken note of how all that stuff works—he seems like a curious kid.

(4) Kizuna. Pretty good at visualizing things in a 3d space—maybe not the most creative person out there (more resourceful than anything, which is a different skill), but has a strong sense of style. Also would be pretty good at observing and predicting how things would react physically—I could see her and Ren being tied, honestly.

Worst: Motoyasu. i agree so bad he'd be an Art Major (derogatory but also affectionate). Initially I put him at the top, then I recalled how the other heroes displayed their spatial intelligence in the anime and was forced to relent that Motoyasu's seeming inability to consider collateral damage (especially as compared to the other heroes) would put him squarely at the bottom. He sucks severely at thinking through the implications and consequences of things at their face. So even though I think he'd be the most artistically-minded and even potentially the most eagle-eyed of all the Cardinal Heroes (second to Itsuki on the latter part imo), he doesn't have the intelligence here to apply any observations he makes.

IN TERMS OF ARTISTIC ABILITY, HOWEVER! (from best to worst):

Artistic Scrutiny: Motoyasu, Naofumi, Kizuna, Itsuki, Ren Artistic Talent: Motoyasu, Itsuki, Naofumi, Kizuna, Ren Artistic Knowledge: Motoyasu, Ren, Kizuna, Naofumi, Itsuki Aesthetic Sense: Kizuna, Motoyasu, Naofumi, Ren, Itsuki Would realize the dress was blue and black and taken under weird lighting conditions: Motoyasu and Motoyasu alone, somehow

Naturalist

Best: Kizuna. IT'S A PERFECT DAY FOR A FISH HUNT. Kizuna is the Hunting Tool hero and has had to live away from civilization on her own for a very long time. Not to mention, just as the person she is, I doubt that she wasn't well-versed in nature and the world around her even before her exile. Loves to fish so bad

(2) Naofumi. Naofumi be multiclassing in everything, including plant-based magic (king)—however, before getting summoned, Itsuki would've known more than him by a long shot. (In fact, he'd probably rank above Motoyasu exclusively because of his affinity for animals!)

(3) Itsuki. Itsuki probably got some wildlife/survivalist training at his school, and his knowledge (even though he probably hasn't honed it too much so much as relied on what he knows) is probably close to Naofumi's. Maybe not the most comfortable around animals,

(4) Motoyasu. Wouldn't be the best forager or survivalist by a long shot, but would feel very comfortable (although not completely knowledgeable) in natural spaces. Most animals are probably ambivalent to him. Has more keen naturalistic instincts than the average person, so the gap between him and Ren is larger than his gap with Itsuki. It's not his fault that everyone else above him is just a nature freak. (Personally imagining him as a wild frat boy released into the apartment backyard woods hunting rabbits on all fours)

Worst: Ren. I don't know how urbanized Ren's home Japan was, but he doesn't seem like the type of kid who'd be spending all his time outside. Can't fucking swim. Would have learned enough from video games and (to his embarrassment) trial and error to get by, but do NOT forget the fucking Dragon Corpse incident holy shit. Probably hangs around civilization as much as possible. Legitimately worse at this than the average person prove me wrong

self-explanatory imo.

Musical

Best: Itsuki

(2, tied) Kizuna & Motoyasu

Worst, tied: Ren & Naofumi

apparently itsuki became the Vassal Music Instrument holder? good for him! i really need to read the light novels help me god.

musical headcanons are a BIG THING for me so i get really picky about them, but personally i don't know enough about these characters to really say one way or the other quite yet. my placements are just vague vibes, i'll feel more comfortable elaborating on a musical hc for these guys once i know more about the story.

Kizuna & Motoyasu probably have good grasps on musical concepts—i thiiiink motoyasu knows how to play guitar? and kizuna feels like someone who's played an instrument at some point.

Logical / Mathematical

Best: Ren. Probably did a lot of in-depth stat calculation when playing his video games, he gives me those vibes. His mathematical knowledge is best geared towards statistics and calculations, and he probably makes great assumptions/hypotheses when he's given the space and opportunity for it.

(2) Naofumi.

(3) Itsuki.

(4) Motoyasu.

Worst: Kizuna.

Talked about this earlier lmao.

Existential

Best: Kizuna. Her entire character arc :]

(2) Ren. Seems very thoughtful when he gives himself the space, in the LNs he seems to be giving himself that space for sure in alongside of how much he's trying to atone. I care him

(3) Motoyasu. Doesn't seem interested in this kind of thing admittedly, but would have some surprisingly profound ideas hidden underneath his whole idiot college boy facade. I think he has the capacity to be more spiritually intelligent/considerate than anyone might give him credit for. It'll take him a bit, but. Y'know. (gestures vaguely)

(4) Naofumi. He seemed incredibly dismissive about any sort of existential purpose he might have until recently I think? He never thought very much about his place in the world aside from how much the world hated him, and only recently (in the anime) started thinking about existential topics. He was just trying to survive for awhile, so philosophy outright didn't matter much to him. Could probably start outclassing Ren & Motoyasu if those two stagnate as he progresses.

Worst: Itsuki. Hates thinking about existentialism. Black and white thinking lends itself poorly to thinking about the possibilities of something, and spiritual/philosophical questions tend to introduce grey areas and mess with that kind of thinking.

idk who added this type or when, i think it's essentially spirituality? or at the very least how to keep going. idk. philosophy is also under this umbrella. idk how to tackle it

Interpersonal

Best: Kizuna.

(2, tied) Naofumi & Motoyasu. Naofumi theoretically wouldn't be that good with people (what with his anger at the world and subsequent introversion), but the entire series has demonstrated over and over that he's naturally good at making meaningful connections. On the flip side, ever since Motoyasu's mental breakdown in the LN it's been getting worse, but he's naturally charismatic and has been the people person out of the rest of the heroes. Motoyasu is good at making friends—Naofumi is good at keeping them.

(3) Itsuki. lol. lmao

Worst: Ren. He's doing so bad and he's going to continue to. I'm so sorry.

Bodily-Kinesthetic

Best: Naofumi, hands down, tied with Kizuna. It's kinda crazy how good at moving around and just throwing himself around the field the anime makes Naofumi. He's a natural fighter, great at defense. I could elaborate more but. Tired. Go king go

Kizuna, meanwhile, Probably has the best hand-eye coordination of the group, behind or tying with Itsuki (who'd probably train that as well). She's above him, however, due to probably having a better instinctual skill in using her body in combat. As in, good at getting into position, out of position, timing shots and attacks etc etc etc. Probably pretty good at physical skills as well. Honestly

(2) Motoyasu. Honestly I can see him having great motor functions, ranking below Kizuna only because he doesn't seem like he'd have gotten into many fights pre-summon (not that fighting a lot = more bodily-kinesthetic intelligence) and his batch of Cardinal Heroes haven't been at it this long. Being an artist (particularly someone who sews & designs) probably makes him aware of how to fine-tune certain things, as well as a higher awareness than average on how the body moves and how it could be restricted. Skilled with his hands, probably has some great footwork too. Also he probably has a pretty good understanding of his body because of. Because. Because he'd. You know how. It'd be because he'd have a lot of. Y'know. It's because he f

(3) Itsuki. Sure, he had to undergo training in his boarding school for superpower stuff, but I never got the impression that he was necessarily good at it. His power, "Accuracy" (able to hit targets accurately with any ranged weapon/device if not blocked), would probably make him instinctually good at positioning himself, but wouldn't necessarily make him naturally good at bodily mechanics—in fact, his power could've even made him complacent in that regard. Sorry to be so consistently harsh to this boy I know he's trying. Probably better than average because of his schooling, but he was also considered one of the weakest powers in his class so that probably affected him (at least mentally).

Worst: Ren. Can't fucking swim. King (sorry i know this isn't fair. he's probably actually better than itsuki in this regard but i decided to throw itsuki a bone by being too lazy to think it through at this point)

kinda tempted to put motoyasu above kizuna & naofumi but the results don't lie lmao

Linguistic

Best: Motoyasu. Rather poetic, probably incredibly well-read. I thiiiink his vocabulary is larger than the rest of the heroes? He gives me that vibe at the very least. Definitely a great actor if he tried, can put a lot of oompf in his words and—if he really feels like it—could craft incredibly effective speeches to evoke ideas he doesn't even state. Master at utilizing connotations without even realizing, imo. Would be a dangerous political opponent if he cared for it / used his talent/skill to the best of his ability. The royals love him.

(2) Naofumi. Doesn't try very hard to speak up for himself, which is a shame as he's gotten so much better at speaking in general. Great at conveying ideas when he needs to, has worked out his conversation & convincing muscles. Frankly the best speaker out of all the heroes due to skill, losing out to Motoyasu only because I think Motoyasu's just that talented.

(3) Ren. Not the most well-spoken in plain conversation, but is thoughtful enough to use his words properly and effectively. Pretty good at making and reading into inferences.

(4) Kizuna. Particularly blunt with her words, which is as much of a good thing as it can be a bad thing. Is also an otaku, so she's definitely reading a lot of media and I should hoooope thinking a lot about it too. Only slightly behind Ren if only because of the time she spent exiled, but could easily surpass him with time, age, and care for linguistic-focused skills.

(5) Itsuki. Alright conversationalist, decent public speaker. Due to his black and white thinking, however, he struggles to read between the lines. Can sense poor intention well enough, but if you've a good enough poker face, Itsuki won't be able to discern your true intentions through speech.

Worst: Wait a minute.

No.

No fucking way.

IT'S ALSO MOTOYASU. HOLY SHIT. Yeah, for all this "natural talent" and the flowery language he can put out, Motoyasu isn't precisely the best at communicating meaningful ideas when the going gets tough—and only gets worse as time goes on. Furthermore, due to his willful ignorance, he struggles a lot with reading between the lines. Can even completely ignore what's outright said to him if his mind is made up. After his mental breakdown in the LN, his ability to even understand half of the population gets stripped away by delusion (the. pig thing). Although I feel he has a natural affinity for linguistic intelligence, the Mental Illnesses™ afflicting him severely handicap his access to that affinity. sorry king.

Intrapersonal

Best: Kizuna. Better than everyone else by default, but has also spent a lot of time on her own. In fact had a whole arc in her backstory about coming to terms with herself and what she was going to do to get out of the Infinite Labyrinth. Has a strong sense of self I feel, knows who she is and what she wants, and more or less accepting of herself too.

Worst: Everyone else sucks here. I'm sorry. Naofumi would've outclassed them (by being an average person) before getting summoned, then unlocking his Curse Series (Wrath). With his party's help, he's been able to steadily climb back to "average/moderate intrapersonal intelligence" status, and is currently sitting next to Ren (who beats himself up far too much; this negative self-image clouds his ability to fully self-conceptualize. Ren would be above average otherwise imo). Itsuki struggles blaming himself for problems and deliberately tries to ignore his flaws, having a faulty understanding of himself.

Special Worst Category for Motoyasu who, if we were scoring this on a scale of 1 to 5, would have –5 points. There's so much wrong with him. Stop Asian Boy Stop.

i hope this makes sense. i will probably change my mind on most of these in a few days (and when i read thru the light novels/manga lmao)

[athrisen]

Hello hello hello here's a preview of my piece for @wohzine! Behold the boss of the Window of Heaven!

Where is he going? Who is he with? Why does he look like he's so done with his job? You'll find out when you get your copy of the FOUR SEASONS WORD OF HONOUR ZINE, make you preorders here!

A whole lot of talented people have poured their souls into making this, so if you're looking for quality content, look no further!

G E T I T

[fabulouspotatosister]

just for a day

summary: What’s a little acting between friends? If friends was even the right word.

word count: (idk yet man lol ) 3,373

request:  Hello! I just wanna say your writing is absolutely amazing! If I may, could I request an 11 x reader where the reader’s friends keep bugging them to get a boyfriend, but they say they already do and they have to ask the Doctor to be their “boyfriend” (kind of like with Clara at the beginning of Time Of The Doctor) and eventually leads to feelings being spilt? If not, that’s perfectly fine!

a/n: this got WAYYY too long and for that i am so sorry lmao. i’m writing and posting this on the same day so if there are many mistakes or it doesn’t make sense that’s on me. anyway, i hope you enjoy this fic!

gif credit: @pavel-chekovs

~

“You’re back!”

 You’d expected screaming. You’d expected yelling, and a fair dose of pterodactyl-esque screeching from the students in your advisory class, but what you weren’t expecting was crying. And lots of it. Nearly every fresh-faced elementary student was in tears, some sobbing quietly and some full-on bawling as soon as you walked through the door.

It was nice, cute even, but honestly a little disconcerting.

 “Hi, everyone,” you said, shutting the door carefully behind you. The sight of their crying faces immediately activated your Parent Mode. “Are you all okay?”

 “Perfectly fine!” Marih chirped, president of the class and therefore a little more levelheaded than the rest, which earned her a handful of disagreeing sighs. “What? Guys, you look ridiculous crying,” she continued, as she wiped her cheeks with the back of her palms and gave you a toothy grin. “We’re just happy you’re here again.”

 You smiled at her, and reached out to pat the top of her head. “That’s great and all, but it’s like you guys haven’t seen me in ages.”

 A heavy silence fell over the whole class. You saw students shift in their seats and look down at the floor, suddenly very interested in their black school shoes. Even Jaden, the class’s resident troublemaker, didn’t say a word. Marih cringed, ran a hand through her long dark hair, and smoothed the front of her checkered uniform.

 “How long have I been gone?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. Marih seemed to cringe away at the question. “I thought I was only travelling for a week!”

 “Actually,” Marih said, stretching out the word, “you’ve been gone for three months?”

Your mouth fell open. You stared at her for a moment, dumbfounded, before you dug into your pocket and fished out your phone – she was right, it had been exactly three months and a week since you’d left the school to go travelling.

 You groaned. “Oh, I’m going to kill him.”

 By travelling, you meant time travelling and by him you meant the Doctor. The madman in a box that you’d run off with. You had let him turn your life upside down in the best way possible since he dragged you into the TARDIS, with his stupidly gorgeous smile and eyes and – you were getting off topic. Now you were plotting the murder of the man that you would consider to be the most incredible thing that had ever happened to you.

 “Hey, ma’am?” came a soft voice from the front of the room. Karyll, with her tied-back hair and glasses, looked up at you from her seat. “Why are you looking like you’re going to kill someone?”

 “’Cause I am,” you said cheerily, shoving your phone back into your pocket. Oh, you were going to have words with him, and they would most definitely not be nice ones. “Have I missed anything big? Were you nice to my substitute?”

 A collective wave of disagreement swept over the class, and you couldn’t help but let a smile slip onto your face. These were your babies after all, and if you’d really been gone for three months then they were sorely missing their Second Mom.

 Maybe the tears weren’t that much of a surprise after all.

 “Okay, good morning everyone! Now, if we’re still on schedule, and I really hope we are, we should be talking about integers…”

 The late afternoon sun drifted through the curtains of your classroom, filling the room with an almost hazy glow as you sat with your best friends in a haphazard circle of desks. Your kids had all gone home already, and a little pile of flowers and chocolates sat neatly on your shelves, right beside your lesson plan folders.

 Denise leaned forward to look at them, her curly hair falling over her face. She was the elementary students’ science teacher, and was so well-organized it was almost inhuman. She would have liked the planet where everything was arranged alphabetically, you thought.

 “I’m jealous, my students never give me gifts,” she said as she leaned away. “Sis, where have you even been?”

 “Long story,” you replied, and it was. You weren’t sure if you could fit everything you’d been through – travelling through time, going to planets lightyears away, and of course all of the near-death experiences – into a story that you could tell in under an hour, and you weren’t going to try.

 “And you’ve been travelling? By yourself?” Julianne, an arts teacher, raised her eyebrows at you from behind her laptop. “God, that’s lonely. Oh – unless…” Her calm expression morphed into something truly evil in your line of work – mischievousness. “Unless you had someone with you.”

 “I mean –” Oh no, this was going to be hard to get out of. “I mean, I wasn’t alone,” you said, hoping the smile on your face was enough to mask your utter fear. You knew exactly where Julianne was going and you hated it. “I was with someone.”

 “Ooh,” Julianne said, her grin growing so sly it was sending shivers up your spine. “You’ve been gone three months, has anything happened between you and your travel buddy?”

 Heat rushed to your face. If you were a cartoon character steam would be pouring from your ears. “Why would you say something like that?”

 Julianne shrugged. “We’ve been telling you to get a boyfriend for so long. You said you’d be gone a week, and then you disappear for three months… that kinda says something, don’t you think, Denise?”

 “Definitely.” Denise grinned, and you shot her a helpless look.

 “We’re doing this because we love you,” Julianne sang. The light from her laptop was enough to make her look absolutely menacing. “So? Travel buddy? Or more than that?”

 The Doctor wasn’t just a travel buddy, and he was so much more than that – but you hadn’t found the words for what he meant to you, at least not yet. Companion was enough for you and him, but even then, there was a weight to that word. And there was definitely a weight to your partnership, but you wouldn’t call it… dating.

 Julianne simply waggled her perfectly shaped eyebrows at you. You swallowed. You and the Doctor were a long story too, and Julianne wasn’t going to be happy with “maybe” for an answer.

 The words were out of your mouth before you could stop yourself. “Fine, he’s my boyfriend!”

 I want to crawl into a hole and die was your inner monologue, and your background music was Julianne and Denise’s raucous laughter. I want to crawl into a hole and never have to face the world ever again.

 --

 Smash cut to you, standing nervously in your bedroom, gripping your phone so tightly you were sure it was going to break. Your plans of killing the Doctor for dropping you off late would have to wait. The phone rung once, twice, and you chewed your lip. If he was in the Time Vortex, any version of him could answer the phone and you couldn’t deal with that on top of everything, not today at least –

 “Hello?”

 You heaved a sigh of relief at the sound of the Doctor, your Doctor’s voice. “Help?” you squeaked out.

 “Help?” the Doctor repeated. There was a blaring noise, and then the sound of electricity crackling. Something fizzled and popped, and the Doctor shouted something that sounded like a swear. “Oh, shut it – you – sorry, sorry. You were saying?”

 “Uh, where are you right now? Are you somewhere?” you asked.

 “I’m not somewhere, I’m drifting! Right above Earth, approximately right where you are,” he said. You could hear the smile in his voice. It quelled your anxiety somewhat. “I’m doing maintenance. Agh – ow! I think I can see the roof of your house through the clouds, unless that’s someone else’s house. What color is your roof?”

 You giggled. “It’s brown. You’re in the same time as me?”

 “’Course I am,” the Doctor said. You heard the clanging sound of metal being dropped. “I never left.”

 The Doctor liked to run off on his own when you were home and have his own mini-adventures. He liked to come back and say he’d spent his time with alien royalty, or something like that. But instead he was staying put, he was waiting, for you. It made the next part so much harder.

 “I need you to be my boyfriend,” you said quickly, covering your burning face with your free hand.

 “Oh,” the Doctor said simply. Another clang.

 Oh? “Just for a day,” you coughed. “I kind of said that I had a boyfriend, and that he was my travel buddy, and now my friends kind of want to meet you. It’s my grade’s family day tomorrow, maybe you could, uh, show up?”

 “And be your boyfriend,” the Doctor said.

 You nodded, then, “And be my boyfriend. Just for the day. You never have to show up again.”

There was a beat of silence, and for a second you thought the Doctor was going to say no – he had every right to, of course, and you could just lie and say that he couldn’t show up – but the Doctor laughed, cheerful and warm. “Ding-dong! Okay! What time tomorrow? I have to study, I’m a bit rusty in places.”

 Your mouth fell open for the second time in twenty-four hours. “You’re serious?”

 “Very! Any pet name preferences?”

 You groaned loudly, and the Doctor laughed again. “Shut up!”

 “Alright, alright. Guess I’ll have to do my own research.”

 There was another moment of silence, and when the Doctor spoke again, it was much softer, much less playful. His voice almost sounded fond. “Goodnight?”

 “Goodnight, Doctor,” you said softly, and the call cut off with a series of short beeps.

 --

 Was it a surprise that you barely slept at all? You had spent the whole night with your imagination running at full capacity, your mind latching onto every single thought and concept it could come up with. You slipped in and out of sleep, lying still in bed whenever a possibility popped into your head. To say you were nervous was the understatement of the year – but what was a little acting between friends?

 If friends was the right word for it.

 You waited for the Doctor behind the school, leaning against the concrete wall and watching the TARDIS fade into this plane. Wind blew into your face as the TARDIS groaned and wheezed, eventually materializing in front of you.

 “I’m not late, am I?” the Doctor said, sticking his head out of the TARDIS doors. He grinned widely, his hair falling into his face. You grinned back at him and pushed yourself off the wall.

 “You’re early, which is a first,” you said. The Doctor frowned at you, stepped carefully out of the TARDIS, and frowned some more. “Don’t look at me like that.”

 “I think I’ve earned the right to look at you however I’d like,” the Doctor huffed, adjusting his bowtie. He’d ditched the tweed for the day, it seemed, going with a long green coat that annoyingly complimented his eyes. The frown didn’t last very long, though, because he went right back to grinning brightly at you. He held out his elbow in your direction. “Shall we?”

 “Here’s the lucky girl,” Julianne cooed as you walked into the empty canteen. All the tables were pushed aside to make space for all the games you’d be playing – in the corner of your eye, you saw the Doctor light up at the sight of all of the streamers and balloons. “And here’s the lucky boy – oh my god, Denise.”

 “What?” Denise popped up from behind a large speaker, then blanched. “Oh, now I’m double jealous.”

 The Doctor pulled away from you to lightly kiss both of Julianne’s cheeks in greeting. Julianne looked positively starstruck when he stepped back to stand beside you, quickly waving Denise over. Denise had her mouth hanging open, still clutching a microphone in her hands.

 “Hi,” you said, gesturing at the Doctor, “here’s my boyfriend.”

 The Doctor raised his hand and smiled. “Hello! I’m John Smith, lovely to meet you both. You’re my girlfriend’s girl friends, I assume?”

 “Uh –” Denise blinked owlishly. “Yeah, we are.” Then, quietly and to herself, “Holy moly.”

 You couldn’t help but grin at their flabbergasted faces. The Doctor rested his hand on the small of your back, and you leaned into his touch as if it was the most normal thing in the universe. That was enough to make Denise stumble into Julianne, who barely even reacted, as she was still staring wide-eyed at the both of you.

 “I think we caught them off guard,” you said. The Doctor chuckled and leaned down to kiss the top of your head.

 “You did when we met, sweetheart,” the Doctor said smoothly. Sweetheart echoed in your ears and bounced off the walls of your already racing mind. Your heart stuttered in your chest. That was bad.

 “Oh, are we doing charm now?” you asked. “Are you trying to be charming?”

 “I did say I would study,” the Doctor said.

 “You guys are insufferable,” Denise said, but she was beaming at you. “If you could get your hands off of your travel buddy for just a few minutes, I need help with the mics, the families are gonna be here any minute…”

 Her voice trailed off as she walked back to the speaker. You stood on your tiptoes to kiss the Doctor’s cheek, feeling his skin heat up underneath your lips. “See you later.”

 “…See you,” the Doctor echoed, and bent down to kiss your cheek too. He turned on his heel and walked towards the decorations, softly muttering, “Ooh, balloons! Love a good balloon…”

 You stared at him for longer than you should have, watching him poke and prod at the balloons lying on the tables. He put his face very close to one and smiled at his reflection in the plastic. Affection welled up in your chest, and a tiny smile slipped onto your face.

 “Look at you, you’re smiling at him,” Julianne chimed, sidling up to you and nudging your side. “That’s disgusting.”

 “Says the girl who said I needed to get a boyfriend,” you shot back.

 The Doctor went still for a little bit and turned to face you, smiled and winked, then went right back to inspecting balloons. Julianne made a strangled noise, and you made one too. So he was doing charm, and you hated to admit that it was absolutely working on you.  

 “I meant to say disgustingly adorable,” Julianne said. “You’re so lucky.”

 You gave him another glance as you walked away to help Denise with the mics – “help with the mics” was apparently code for “I’m going to tease you more about your new boyfriend”  which wasn’t helped by the fact that every so often, the Doctor would look in your direction and just smile, which was enough to make you stumble over your own words and give Denise more teasing fodder.

 The parents and their kids eventually filed into the canteen and you flipped into Teacher Mode. You stood next to your students, pinched their cheeks and then greeted all of the parents and got everyone ready for the program. (You didn’t notice how the Doctor mirrored you, standing a little far away and watching, a dumb smile on his face.)

 Julianne and Denise were the emcees for the family day, big smiles on their faces as they rounded up everyone for the games. At the mere mention of games, the Doctor was back at your side at an instant, his eyes glittering with excitement.

 “Please don’t destroy the kids,” you pleaded.

 “No promises,” he replied, and then proceeded to destroy the kids in most of the games.

 The first game had Julianne call out for whoever could bring an item of her choice to the table – the Doctor, with his coat that was surely bigger on the inside, had no trouble pulling out whatever was asked. Even when Julianne started to test the waters and ask for increasingly insane items, the Doctor just kept going. He jumped in joy like a little kid at the win, bounding up to you and pressing a kiss to your cheek. You’d just blushed and smiled, ignoring the butterflies that were multiplying in your stomach.

 The Doctor holding your hand wasn’t new. The Doctor being close to you wasn’t new. The Doctor being affectionate with you wasn’t new. But now it was all under the guise of being your boyfriend. Of course it felt different, but to your surprise and growing horror, it didn’t feel bad.

 The Doctor shouting your name snapped you out of your thoughts. He was standing on a piece of newspaper as Denise started to get music ready, waving his arms to beckon you over. His coat was gone, thrown onto a nearby table, and even without it he was dashing.

 “I need you over here!” he yelled, still jumping excitedly. His hair bounced up and down with the movement. “I need a partner!”

 You let your feet carry you to him, trying to ignore the stares pointed your way. The Doctor took your hand in his and pulled you onto the newspaper.

 “Stay close,” the Doctor said. “I’ve got this.”

 Loud, thumping music filled the air. The Doctor spun you around and you squealed in surprise, moving your feet clumsily to the music. Suddenly, it stopped, and the Doctor pulled you back onto the newspaper. It was a tight fit, and you had to press yourself against his body to even stay standing. The butterflies in your stomach went crazy at the contact, and once again you tried to ignore that, too.

 “What did I say?” the Doctor breathed, his breath tickling your ear, his smile wide and manic. “Let’s dance!”

 The paper got smaller and smaller, and the two of you got closer and closer. Sweat started to bead on your forehead, and the Doctor had rolled his sleeves up in the middle of all the chaos. In the end, it was just you and another pair of parents, tiptoeing on their own folded pieces of newspaper.

 “I’ve got an idea,” the Doctor said, his voice loud over the music. “When the music stops, jump into my arms.”

 “Seriously?!” you shouted, and the Doctor nodded enthusiastically. “You’ve got the balance of a drunk giraffe! You’ll drop me!”

 “Do you trust me?” the Doctor asked.

 There wasn’t any question. “I do!”

 “Then jump!”

 The music stopped, and in the split second where the Doctor stepped onto the now-tiny folded newspaper, you ran and leapt. For a moment, it seemed like he wouldn’t be able to catch you at all, and in your mind you could already see it – you crashing into him and sending you both tumbling to the floor.

 The Doctor’s arms shot out and caught you. Cheers erupted from everyone in the canteen, and behind you your competitors both lost their balance and fell face-first onto the floor. You wrapped your arms around the Doctor’s neck to steady yourself in his arms, feeling him shake slightly as he kept you aloft.

 “We won!” you gasped, still basking in all of the cheering. “As expected from my lovely boyfriend.”

 The words left your mouth as easily as breathing. You smiled up at the Doctor, breathless from all of the dancing. His skin shone with sweat, his hair was a mess, and his bowtie was askew, but even that was enough to make you throw all caution to the wind – still in his arms, you pulled him down and kissed him.

 Cheers erupted from everyone again, but you could care less. The room could be empty and nothing would have changed. As cliché as it sounded, all the mattered was the feeling of the Doctor’s lips against yours. Your hands found their way into his hair and he melted into your touch, pulling you closer to him.

 “You know,” the Doctor breathed as he pulled away, “I don’t want this to be just for a day.”

 “Good,” you replied. You leaned up to press a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Because I don’t either.”

[annetteblog]

Intro & My take on KM

Hi!

I’m new around here so it’s supposed to be (not so short) introduction, since I don’t know how to start a blog heh. I hope to sprinkle my 0.5 cents into the KM conversation and maybe to bring a new perspective from someone, who is not a part of the typical English-speaking West.

Who /the hell/ Am I?  

(please, consider it to be said with NJ’s voice from Intro: Persona :D)

I was born in Siberia (it’s in the Asian part of Russia), currently live in the European part of the country while studying at a Uni (European in terms of geography, not in terms of everything else i’m definitely not shading rn lolllll). English is not my first language, I’ve just kind of learnt it to some extent. Due to this it takes me more time to write a post; and I may (and will) make some grammatical & other mistakes. Plus I’m lazy AND busy with Uni, so I won’t even promise to be consistent in posting smth lol. But I thought I need more practice in terms of writing in English, so here I am, actually scribbling something. This feels weird, because I’ve been around stan Tumblr since 2015, but never ever interacted, just read.

How I ended up around Jikook/Kookmin (and BTS) & My (long&messy) take on this matter

Although I had heard of BTS before, I became an Army only in October 2018. I had kinda avoided them, because you know... boybands.... sing songs about romantic love and how they love girls.......... (+I had been around Twitter when 1D been at their peak and I remember a quite toxic community of fans, whom always had scared me). Shortly, hello stereotypes. Obviously, after I got engaged I felt terribly sorry that I had been sleeping on them, but what is done cannot be undone. 

Someone I knew back then reposted one of their MVs and I, during my sad hours of procrastination, decided to watch it. Then I saw their live performance with the same song. And I thought “wow these guys can sing and dance and the music is kinda cool, i need to check this out maybe??” 

Then a funny thing happened. One of the next videos I watched (the same person had it added to their page) was a 2016 BangtanBomb where JM and JK practiced their Coming of Age dance. 

Do you know this moment with Gina from the 1st episode of Brooklyn 9-9:

Well, that was precisely me after I watched it. I don’t even know how to explain this, it was kind of a gut feeling? Whatever you call it, I started to get suspicious and couldn’t even explain to myself why. /actually now a do have questions to this vid and the main one - why does everyone cringe that much? if it’s a girly choreo than they had done some “girly” moves before. why is there such strong reaction??/

I started to get deeper and went to some ru-shipper communities. Shipping culture among Russian speaking fans is... well, weird to some extent, but I maybe address this topic some time later. You need to consider that (as far as you probably know) Russia is quite homophonic country and sadly is not the greatest place for LGBTQ+ community at the moment. The non-frienly influential attitudes hanging in the society + the general shippers’ weirdness = the result is not that nice honestly. 

I struggled for some time in order to find more mature people (not just in terms of age but in general sanity), failed, ended up with some EXTREMELY toxic ru-fans of TK, which was/is the most popular pairing here, spent among them like 15 minutes and ran away horrified. After that I didn’t even try to engage with shippers or believers or whatever of any pair and just decided to enjoy the music and the content (which is a great idea, highly recommend!)

After a couple of days I discovered that JK makes videos. I love video, films and visual art so I immediately found them on YT, saw the titles with names of different cities from all over the world and was like “Oh that must be so cool, he’s visited so many outstanding places I’ve never been to, so I really need to watch it! I shall enjoy some beautyyy”. Then I clicked on GCFt.

Well, what can I say. I did enjoy some beauty, but not the type I had initially anticipated. The biggest clickbait in my entire life. JK should be proud of himself.

                                       /as I said - the beauty/

I had already known Troy back then and I known the song’s lyrics so it would not be an underestimation to say - the video just blew my mind. I was like - hold on is this real? seriously?? no really really????? he manage to get away with something THAT obvious?????? dude how

As a person who edited videos AND is not a native English speaker, I don’t buy the explanation “oh he mustve didnt get the lyrics lmao”. You just don’t do that. You don’t. DON’T. You google and translate every shit you don’t understand, every word and idiom you’ve never encountered, because otherwise the possibility of an epic failure is very likely. You wouldn’t want to give your mum a video as a birthday present and then discover that you used a song with WAP-ish lyrics, right? (well maybe that would be okay in your family, I don’t judge, but that’s not the case for people I know). So don’t you dare to degrade JK’s intellectual capacities; such assumption is really offensive. He is a smart boii, he knows exactly what he’s doing in terms of his art.

So I was shocked, but decided to look for the context - maybe I missed some previous events regarding this Tokyo thing (another great idea - always check the context). Well, apparently I didn’t, because the whole narrative with the trip for two, lovely selfies etc. made my poor brain lowkey explode. (I still don’t buy the rings theory thing though)

But I didn’t give up lol! I’m a bit stubborn and it’s very hard to convince me in anything, so I decided to search for more context, more of their interactions, moreeee. Remember, the late October 2018, there were no swan lakes, RB, and even MMA18 hadn’t happened yet. 

This time I ended up watching content in more or less consistent way, and when I saw all of these scenes with affectionate JM and a cool badass i-don’t-care-about-anyone-i’m-a-manly-man-with-no-feelings-whatsoever JK, I just hysterically laughed. 

Homophobic Russia, remember? I recognized this. Growing up here being LGBT myself, taught me the same type behaviour during my high school days. When a girl I kinda liked but didn’t what to admit it to myself was nice to me or (oh god) flirted with me, I did something similar. It’s like a huge panic mode. Being an introvert doesn’t help either. The funniest thing is that you may not entirely realise what exactly is going on in terms of your own feelings, especially at that age (16-18ish). In my personal case, I thought I liked her but as a friend, only later to realise that well not as a friend oops :DDD The second thing (already not so funny) is that you actually consciously or unconsciously try to avoid the subject as much as possible, as long as possible and pretend that nothing is going on. We’re just bros. Stop doing this stupid gayish thing and don’t look at me like that, you’re annoying. If you ever do this again I (gently) kick you. I’m straighter than a straight line in my math textbook. IDK, but probably that’s your brain is somehow trying to protect you. Again, in my case&position I knew that the consequences for any non-straight person being outed would be bad (TW not to the point of being killed bad, but to the point of being excluded from a big part of society). So for me it was a mixture of the internalized homophobia + lack of self reflection + just being a bit emotionally slow + very! straight community around. Shit happens, I was a teenager and made my share of mistakes, but that experience helps me to recognize the same pattern of behaviour up to this day.   

So coming back to KM, because the post is already waaay too long and I just ramble. It’s been 2+ years for me being a part of this fandom, and what can I say... Things become more intense and eventful with every year passing by ;) Funny how I felt that vibe from the 2016 dance practice video. Seeing the Black Swan performance a week ago almost had me choked, no joking. They are amazing.

                                                    Pure Art

However, and I would like to emphasize that, I do not incline that KM are 100% romantically involved and/or gay or whatever. I tend to treat people with respect and not to make too much assumptions about their private life. That’s not my business. However, I’m also not a fan of heteronormativity, so I’m just sitting here and observe everything that’s going on putting some distance and not forgetting being generally polite and critical thinking. But if they are just straightest besties please give them an Oscar before Grammy

Anyways, I hope this blog won’t kick the bucket from the very start and I will post something every now and then. You can always ask me questions about some BTS/Jikook related stuff or something about Russia and a Russian view on mass culture topics, since I’m pretty sure some of you have very stereotypical view of what is going on here :) However, do note that I’ve never been to America or Europe, therefore I may not be aware of something verrrry obvious to you or just have a completely different experience. 

P.S.  And yeah, I’m used to say Jikook, since it’s the name which is used much more frequently in Russian.  i like it better and what will u do haha

[junk-culture]

hi there! I just finished reading your bosselot fics and loved them! I wanted to ask if you would maybe share some personal headcanons? The way you write those two is awesome. Any tips on characterization? Sorry if this is too much to ask, you don't have to answer all of it! Good work anyway!

Hi!!! Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed them!! I don't know if I have much advice on characterisation but I can try to share a few headcanons and general waffle abt how I write them!

(also, just 2 let u know if u wanna send any more asks, I don't actually use this blog for fandom stuff! @lucky-draws is where i post my fics and art, so I prefer to receive asks related to my fics there! it's no worries to answer here for now of course but just for future reference! ✌️)

I'll answer under the cut in case it gets long:

I'm actually sort of struggling to pin down what kind of specific headcanons I should mention, I'm not sure how exactly to articulate my thoughts on these two, I've never written down a list of headcanons abt them lol but I'll try to give a few things:

- one kind of trivial headcanon i have that i usually use in my fics is bb calling ocelot 'major' as a nickname, i just sort of imagine that it's an ironic kind of nickname to them rather than a title, because they both know ocelot only got the rank of major at the ripe age of 20 because of his connection to the boss and the philosophers, so it's a sort of light-hearted dig at him for that.

(and it fits with them, because i don't think they're the types to have normal or cutesy terms of "endearment" or anything, with bosselot in general it's always about insults-veiled-as-flirting and flirting-veiled-as-insults and just general tough love in some ways jhjhjg you know?

- one very definite headcanon is that ocelot wears the bullet necklace like, all the time...im a big sucker for the idea that he keeps it throughout his whole horrible life

- i don't think they got "together"/hooked up until at least the late 60s; i headcanon, as a lot of people probably do, that ocelot went looking for big boss sort of very soon after snake eater, but their first few years mainly consisted of bb teaching ocelot CQC and probably deliberately ignoring any advances lmao because i think ocelot being a) 20 and b) the boss' son would have stopped bb from immediately reciprocating lmao

- i can see bb actually being the one to tell ocelot that the boss was his mother, since bb was the one who heard her talk about her child, and along with conversations from eva and the fact that ocelot is uh kind of the spitting image he would have pieced it together before ocelot realised or found out....idk how that conversation would go tho LOL

- i think the patriots era was sort of the happiest time for them - until less enfants terribles fucked everything up. i always imagine that despite their various differences, they also bring out a playfulness in each other that wouldn't ordinarily be there - i imagine the patriots era, and early msf days to an extent, were spent dicking around and generally having a relatively good time, as much it's possible in their lives anyway

- i think their personalities go well together, like i do see younger ocelot as actually very funny/sharp when he wants to be, and bb has a sort of dry humour that matches up to that. it's easy to think of big boss as this sullen, humourless tough guy character, and he does get more withdrawn as he gets older, but in that snake eater to early msf days era he really does have a sort of charm and a capacity to strike up a real banter with ocelot that bridges their age gap.

🐆🐍

In terms of tips on characterisation, I'm not sure what to say there. I don't feel like I can say "you should write bosselot like this", because everyone's interpretation of them is different? There's no single way to write them, and I take generous liberties with canon to sort of turn ocelot in my own version of ocelot in some aspects, anyway.

I see ocelot as this very sort of lone figure who's detached from everyone else; always on the outside, observing but never fully taking part; and actually it's fitting that big boss is kind of the same. I remember seeing a post on here where someone was comparing bb and snavid and comparing how snavid always listens to whatever ppl are going off about via codec, even if he isn't interested, whereas bb would always be more clearly disinterested in paramedics ramblings. They both claim to not be interested in other people's lives - but with bb it is actually true, whereas snavid as we see later actually does have far more of a heart. So yeah, with bosselot it really is a case of two toxic, horrible bastards making each other worse... xD

If you mean characterisation tips in general, I feel like I'm too new to fiction writing to give much good advice! xD But it's a question of little details, I think; how exactly a character performs a trivial action, the ways you describe the manner in which they speak and carry themselves to show that they're a dick, without actually explicitly saying to the reader 'he is a dick'. xD

Actually, writing from second person point of view, as I've done for the last couple of fics, is perhaps easier for really getting to a characters' thoughts and how they react to things, because it's really a stream of their consciousness. Having said that though, when it comes to the other characters in a 2nd person pov fic, you've got to rely on the kind of details that I just mentioned to show what they're like, since there are no inner thoughts from them - as well as reactions from the protagonist, but of course the protagonist's impression of other characters isn't necessarily going to be accurate...

Big Boss and Ocelot are both quite tricky characters to write well, actually; because it's easy to make them into cartoonish exaggerations of their already batshit canon selves, rather than something more believably realistic. Ocelot, with his ridiculous gun spinning and cowboy couture and flair for the dramatic and his tendency to always be behind some elaborate scheme, is very much a pantomime villain; but it's getting to the actual genuine, serious motivations and feelings behind him that is fascinating to explore.

🐆🐍

I think that's probably all I can coherently say for now, hopefully some of this made sense! Sorry if it wasn't that informative. And thank you again for dropping by, I'm very happy to hear you enjoyed my stuff. Hope you have a good day!! 💕

[randomstarmuffin]

My @runefactorysecretsanta​ gift for ya_boi_nye is finally done!! Hope I did your favorite characters justice!! :)

Happy holidays!!!! I don’t want to take up too much room so I’m going to throw some rambling and extras under the cut lol

So I don’t think nye has a tumblr, but on their twitter i saw that they were into VTube and youtaite and i wanted to incorporate that in their gift somehow. Unfortunately.... the characters are kind of all already anime??? So drawing-wise, i figured it would be more fun to go with a more general YouTuber AU so I could put in some variety rather than just stills of singing or badly rendered 3D models (by which i am throwing shade on myself alone, VTube rigs are sick but i regrettably have no 3D skills lol)

I’ve actually,,, never played Frontier at all, so I apologize if anyone is wildly out of character!! The wiki is extremely sparse and I didn’t have time to watch too too much of the let’s play i found, so if they’re not right just chalk it up to the YouTuber ~performance~ aspect of this AU lmao.

Even though I’ve never played before and don’t know the characters Super well though, I still had a lot of fun thinking about this AU! If you want to know the specifics of everyone’s content:

Anette does parkour (fun facts, this particular move i drew is called a speed vault!) and a little bit of vlogging, and she’s friends with Erik (as in canon, if I did my research correctly lmao). She sometimes appears on his channel and vice versa, and he helps her film and edit and stuff sometimes. She lives and works with Mist and Rosetta and helps out with their online boutique. Mist is the idea woman who comes up with crazy stuff, Rosetta is the realist and bookkeeper who pulls those ideas together into something feasible and profitable, and Anette handles all the packaging and shipments and stuff! There’s always something weird going on in their apartment and everyone ends up there a lot, so some of Anette’s vlogs get really popular just because of how out there they are lmao. Oh, almost forgot, but her channel is “DeliveryIsFreestyle” bc... get it... free delivery... freestyle parkour / freerunning... Lol actually it was almost going to be “RunTheMail” because i couldn’t think of anything at first so i think this was the right move in the end :P

Erik has a gaming channel where he mostly plays farming and dating sims / otome, and we don’t read too far into whether or not RF exists in this universe for him to play even though I put the posters for frontier on his wall xD. The reason I picked Stardew for this thumbnail specifically is because A) I have it and could easily take screenshots and B) i read that he has a crush on Lara? And she’s like, kind of a nurse? And Maru is kind of a nurse? It’s a silly joke but I thought it would be funny to cockblock him from dating a nurse he has his eyes on even in video gaming with his friends lol. His channel is pretty self-explanatory (I was really hoping his farm would have a fun name when i was looking it up but it’s really just “Erik’s Farm” huh? ...but I probably shouldn’t judge, my dnd character’s wolf is named Wolf xD)

Lute paints!! I think he does a lot of speedpaints and mostly does traditional art, but I think he would have some digital skills hidden up his sleeve as well. And also I don’t know why at all bc I know the least about him out of all 4 of them, but I feel like he has done / does some of those like “how to draw anime” videos because I just think that’s funny. He has a bunch of really popular ones about overly complicated fantasy outfits. No this is not a callout for any series in particular why do you ask? Anyway, I’m not sure exactly how the line goes because I couldn’t find it, but the wiki mentions that he’ll say he’s not doing anything suspicious when he’s painting at the lake, so i thought it would be funny if there’s some kind of running gag with his subscribers where they point out suspicious things he does and he responds in the next video or whatever. The thumbnail I made definitely does just have a screenshot of rff that’s color-corrected and blurred, because I ran out of time but also wanted to differentiate the bg from the canvas ^^;  His channel was originally just “lute” in all lowercase but then i got to the part of the let’s play where he was introduced and he calls himself a “fledgling painter” so i thought this was more fun.

And Eunice has a cooking channel!! She specializes in baking, but she also has a whole playlist along the lines of “Nutritious Food Can Still Taste Good!” where she talks about healthy eating habits but doesn’t buy into diet culture bc I personally HATE diet culture lmao. I think when that gets popular, she also maybe does a side thing about easily accessible workouts for all sorts of people who want to get into shape? But with a focus on getting stronger / being active and Not a focus on Losing Weight necessarily. Promoter of healthy and happy living! I know how her events / dialogue can go in the game, i just happen to have Opinions About Things, so, that’s how she is in my version. Also, unrelated, but she’s very cute. Even though her braids were a bitch to draw hahaha. And i did end up drawing her just in her actual outfit even though i gave everyone else different clothes bc idk it just felt like it fit the aesthetic of a cooking vlog well?? And it’s not a super complicated one unlike others i could mention. Her channel is “Charming Sweets” and her cooking series is “My Cooking” because those are the titles of the books she has on her bookshelf at the start of the game :)

But that’s just all of *my* headcanons for the AU! If anyone else who knows them all better has their own ideas, please be my guest and imagine it however you like!!

Oh, also, fun facts, this is partially a screenshot of my actual web browser, lol, so if y’all want to know what all I have saved on my bookmarks bar and what my google profile pic is, now you know. However, i would like to not downplay how long i spent editing this in what was possibly the least efficient way to put it together how i wanted, rip, which is entirely the reason i am posting this so late LOL. Apologies for the delay, but technically it’s still the 27th here, so! Victory!

(speaking of the layout, did anyone catch the url? I’m disproportionately proud of the url. though i won’t lie part of me really wanted to put the rick roll url there just for my own amusement hahaha)

And, yeah! That’s the end of my spiel. Happy end-of-2020 to all, and an extra helping of that sentiment to nye!!!

[serenedash]

I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

[nainwoo]

Content Creator Year in Review

Tagged by: @bbyunz @dayafterdae @do-kyngsoo @dongslchengs @kaibility @sehunlyone @x-exo, thank you! 💖

First creation and most recent creation of 2020:

One of your favorite creations from 2020: 

First: CHEN: 2019 in Review - omg wow, it looks so tacky but I didn’t know what I was doing then (still don’t)

Most Recent: Universe - I liked the way I coloured this one, I thought it came out nice. 

EXO-L Revival (Week 2): Favourite magazine photoshoot(s) - First time using Avisynth and honestly it was just so fun. It also gave me an excuse to gif Suho’s Grazia photoshoot

A creation you’re really proud of:

Obsession live stages (X-EXO Ver.) - First time doing a compilation of live stages! I’m glad I got over that hurdle but I will probably not do it again for a while aslkdflsdf

A new style you tried this year and a gifset that uses it:

A creation that took you forever:

1. Colour fill layer(s) for My top 9 Korean (+1 Chinese) songs for the first half of 2020, which was actually part of a tag game so not really an ~official~ gifset

2. Overlay gif(s) for CHEN 첸 Digital Single [안녕(Hello)] - Cover art #2. I talked about the other Cover art one a lot so this was just another one that used overlays/blending.

Red Velvet x Baekhyun - I was trying to copy the layout from the Red Flavor MV and I spent so long just playing with the colours and the shapes.

Your creation from 2020 that received the most notes:

EXO-L Revival (Week 10): Favourite feature/body part of everyone - I honestly had so much fun with EXO-L Revival. Idk how but I ended up picking characteristics that somehow rhymed together in a gifset too 😂 Thank you for all the love for it too!

A creation you think deserved more notes:

Obsession live stages (X-EXO Ver.) because it didn’t show up in the tags and it doesn’t even show up when I search for it on my own blog lmao

A new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it:

I didn’t join a new fandom but I watched Start Up and made some gifsets for it. I guess I also became a fan of Kim Seon Ho 💖

A creation you made that breaks your heart:

I’ve never met anyone as good as you - No spoilers but basically this was the scene where Han Jipyeong broke down. Other than that, I try not to make any heartbreaking or sad gifs of the EXOs?

A ‘simple’ creation that you really love:

EXO-L Revival (Week 11): Bias wrecker - I thought it would be cute to do something like a search result for my bias wrecker

A creation that was inspired by another one: 

Kyungsooft in colourful turtlenecks came to be because of Kyungsooft in magazine photoshoots. I just noticed he wore A LOT of turtlenecks

Kid!Soo for High Cut Vol. 167 inspired by my EXO-L Revival (Week 2): Favourite magazine photoshoots set because Kyungsoo was just so playful!

A favorite creation created by someone else:

There are so many! Honestly I’ve really enjoyed everything that came out of EXO-L Revival and EXO-L Secret Santa. So much talent and big brain energy, everyone is so creative!!

Some of your favorite content creators from the year:

I want to give a shout out to the content creators that I follow! I think some of you might be inactive now but I never got the chance to tell you that I really loved seeing all of your gifs/edits/fanart on my dash. Thank you for sharing your ideas and all the hard work that you put into them! I hope you continue being inspired in 2021 😊

@amaranth​ @bbyunz​​ @chengf @creschendo @dayafterdae @dear-dae @delhyun @do-kyngsoo @dongslchengs @exo-stentialism @hand-painted-5tars @honeyjongin @holdingforexo @kaibility @kaiternity @leeshyunjaes @moonlightjongin @myeonsjun @pikayeollie @sechan @sefuns @sehunlyone @sleepychengzi @softxingdae @sonjongdae @thedeviousdo @vivapolos @vogueksoo @whenxoxosmilesunshines @x-exo @xiuminscheeks @xosoffe

And for good measure, another a couple more creations of yours that you love: 

CHEN on the moon - There were a lot of firsts for me this year, including making graphics. I think I just put everything I like on that post: Jongdae, the moon, and the stars.

Tagging: Everyone who’s tagged on this post already

[xiaodejunletsact]

Hello there, I hope youre doing okay! okay so, I was planning to left a review into the tag of your mark's fic Launch but for some reason I don't know I can't reblog the post as in it close the app when I try to. So I'm going to left my thoughts here if you don't mind ? 🦫 (also im French so my english is not perfect sorry djfjjf).

I dont know if Launch was posted a long time ago or not, but I still wanted you to know how emotional I am after reading this piece of absolute art. I want you to know how well you've done by writing such a beautiful and moving story!! I'm not gonna lie, when I saw in the warning the precision of 'death', i was already scared to have my heart broken if it was mark who died, but bub, even if it wasn't him, I still get my heart broken  *I was SOBbiNG so hard, johnny didn't deserved it omg*.

The beginning of the story was just.. I don't know, you had a way with your words and sentence who made me feel like I was watching a movie in a movie room, with a cheerful background song and I literally loved how you introduced subtly the growing passion of space into Mark's mind, and I found it cute and funny how at a young age, he ditched his own birthday party to go find his grandpa! (their scene was so cute omg I couldn't stop myself from smiling) 🥺

FJJFJFJKKCKKCKFKF MARK AND SUNSHINE'S LOVE STORY OH MY GOD I DON'T HAVE THE WORDS to express my feelings about thEM. all their dialogues, the emotions they felt for each others over the years, their characters' developments (who btw, was *chef kiss*) over the years, the different situations they had to go through *cough*Johnny's passing </3 and all the hard moments after this*cough*, I was in admiration during all the reading. Even if what Mark did was not the right thing to do, I could understand it was his way to try to mourn his bestfriend's death, even if sometimes if would have been better for him to accept sunshine's help than him stepping away from his family (it did things to my heart), you know what I mean ? But I get what he was feeling, especially when yn said to him the words he wanted to hear to finally let go of his pain, I quote: < "You go silent for a moment. “Mark… Johnny would be really proud of everything you’ve accomplished, you know that right?” >. Oh God, the way I realized how broken he was *sob*. Also, at this moment, I understood how strong and important was yn's character in this story. The way her character is just so.. delicately beautiful, kind, she was radiating positivity in all the scenes of this story, minus the confrontation scenes and the very sad moments of Johnny passing, you get what I mean? Like.. sometimes, you come across some characters who you're really thankful for their presence in the story ffjfjjfjf. In the end, she played a big role into Mark's life, and I'm grateful for that hehe (dude that's just a story but I lived it like a real lifetime happening in front of my eyes). Also I noticed how you protayed Mark's character crying a lot, and that's not a bad thing, on the contrary, it showed us how human and emotionally courageous he was to try to be better after John's passing (? I'm not sure of this sentence, but I tried fjdjdj, I hope you understand what I mean), like.. im still speechless over all the hardship they all had to do through.. like.. its impossible to not be emotionally destroyed after this, but not everyone have a love like yn and mark (omg, help, i want to cry just by thinking about their beautiful love). Also, I know loving someone can be sometimes exhausting, or how it might be difficult to still be over the hells for someone while time pass, but.. for yn and mark, it was like love was really worth it and was the most important thing in the world.

I forgot to talk about Elliot omg, okay, he's a cutie pie and i particularly loved one of his innocent moment: <“Daddy?” Elliot’s soft voice ends your long eye contact. Mark looks at your son, humming. “At school, a girl told me that when a boy looks at a girl for a long time, that means he likes her... Do you like Mommy?” [...] You scoff, looking away. You stand up grabbing the empty plates and walking towards the kitchen, missing the moment where Elliot leans close to Mark and whispers: “I think she likes you too.”>. there is something in this scene who make me smile about Elliot's character. He was really not aware of what was happening between Mark and yn, and yet, he made a real statement even for his young ignorant mind. He was able to see the love between his parents (aaaaah idk what I'm saying I'm sorry fjfj this is a mess, I don't know how to explain my thoughts into words), and it reminded us again about their beautiful string even in the most complicated moments.

This message is long, im sorry 🤭

I was sweating during the scenes of Launch's day, i was scared you would put an reverse card and be like "bitches, mark is dying too", I don't think I would have been able to get over this after all the sad moments you wrote fjfjf. Even yn's wasn't able to appease my mind lmao bc she was scared too for Mark's life 🤧.

BUT YOU DIDNT, THE SUFFERING WAS WORTH IT BC HE LIVED AS WELL AS HIS PARTNERS, I was happy and I just wanted soft moments between Mark and yn to appease my heart *sigh*, and we got it fjfjfj the final scene made me so happy and satisfied. You have no ideas, the last sentence about the Gemini twins, it made me think about the very first moments of the story and looking back to all the things who happened, it gave me an happy closure because in the end they were together. 💞 aaaah there are a lot of things I didn't mentioned, I want you to know that I loved every sentences of this magnificent story 💞

Have a good day and thank you so so much for writing this story, it's one of the best Mark's story I had the honor to read on this app!

OH MY GODD this review literally made me cry at prom 😂😭 (yes I’m class of 2020 and we FINALLY had our prom a year later) I always love receiving long messages like this, it’s so crazy that something I wrote and spent so much time and creative juices making can will someone to think so many thoughts !! Idk it’s just so exciting!! Also ! I love that you went through the fic in chronological order in your review too lmao. You also pointed out so many details I thought people had looked over that makes me really happy 🥺 as I write launch I kinda of thought of the idea as a film first (I’m a film writer !) so for you to say that it felt like you were watching a film was just everything I’ve ever wanted !! Thank you so much!! ❤️❤️

[ddaenggtan]

forever rain | knj | m

Being dead isn't anything exciting. Just a lot of walking the same halls of the same apartment day after day after day. Things change when the new tennant arrives, though. Kim Namjoon isn't anything you could have expected; not the way he's so careful and gentle with his plants because he breaks so many other things, not the way his friends joke that he's psychic because you refuse to let him get in the face one time, and certainly not the way he comes home after literal months spent moving things away from table edges for him and announces that he knows he's being haunted and he has some questions for you. You didn't know ghosts could fall in love, but he makes you feel alive again, like you're standing in the rain while thunder crashes around you. You should've known nothing good would come of falling in love with someone living, though. You should've known that heartbreak was the only way this could end...that the rain doesn't last forever. 

part of the Love Yourself Collab, please please please go check out the other fics. Everyone involved is so freaking talented and I have been vibrating out of my skin with how excited I’ve been to read all of these. 

pairing | kim namjoon x reader (unspecified gender, even!)

word count | 18.8k | cross posted to ao3

genre/warnings | ghost!reader, slight fluff, hard angst, literally the most angst ever it gets fluffy for a bit but litERALLY this is an angst fic, major character death, unprotected sex (idk what the etiquette for ghost sex is but you should still wrap it before you tap it fam), depictions of terminal illness (v mild), mentions of blood (several, but not graphic), major character death, allusions to violence, namjoon is a klutz whats new, depictions of terminal illness, major character death, i added that tag three times pls dont read this if you aren’t comf with mcd bc i literally tagged it three times so y’all would definitely see it, also probably have some tissues ready bc i cried while writing it so 

a/n | this is, to date, the saddest thing i have ever written in my entire fucking life. formal apologies to this joon bc oh my god you poor soul. i’m not kidding when i say you might cry, because i’m a big baby wuss and cried while writing the fucking outline when i first decided to write this for the collab so like......rip my own heart. i was really honored when i was approached about the LYA collab, bc like,,,,,mE? WHAT? and i was really nervous because i’ve never been part of any collabs in any fandom ever, and to have to do something like forever rain and mono as a whole justice, like,,,,,,, *screaming* y’know?? so i went on mono lockdown and just had the whole thing on repeat and was like “alright. what emotions does this make me feel.” and i eventually settled on the loneliness and isolation that he expresses, and feeling like no one understands what you’re going through, but that ultimately the album as a whole and forever rain give off this feeling of like. things get better, you’re not as alone as you feel, and you just gotta get through the bad stuff to find the good stuff. basically i just got really in my feels about it and was like ‘lets make myself cry ahahaha’ and,,,i dID i cried several times while planning and writing and editing bc im a Soft Bitch and don’t read much angst for that exact reason lmao. so buckle tf up y’all, this a helluva ride!! 

Of all the things you'd heard about death, all the different possibilities that existed in the world, the one thing you hadn't been prepared for was the boredom. You hadn't been prepared for any of it, really, too surprised by your own demise to plan at all, but even if you'd been able to, you don't think that this is what you would've counted on. An eternity - or however long ghosts existed - of being stuck in the same studio apartment you'd lived in when you died. The same walls, the same floor, the same view out the only window of the alley beside the building. It's boring and lonely and boring.

You've found more creative ways to entertain yourself as time passes. First, you started by figuring out just what being a ghost meant. You can't really communicate with anyone, haven't figured out how to make sure everything you say is heard, but you can manipulate objects pretty easily these days. The most difficult thing is becoming fully corporeal - completely visible and able to interact with things at the same time. It's hard enough to be visible, and you aren't really sure what the point of it would be when it would just scare whoever's living in your apartment; that's the last thing you want to do, run them off when they're the best source of amusement you've found.

You won't lie, you were a little offended when the first tenants moved in after you. It was difficult to watch your things get packed up and moved out by your friends, hard to lose all of the little things you loved in your apartment, like the shitty bead curtain you'd gotten as a gag gift or the photo collage of all of your loved ones. It's frustrating to not know how they're all doing these days; the one time you got brave enough to fuck with a laptop to check on them, you nearly broke the thing, and you haven't tried since. Still, it seemed cathartic for them to clear out your apartment, and it was a bittersweet sight, but you tried to focus on the positive side of it.

And then the couple moved in.

Not only did they fuck like rabbits - which is something you're going to stay pissed about, because there's no satisfaction to be had by you anymore, and it's the one thing you can think of that would be endlessly entertaining - but the couple was also grossly obnoxious. They had zero respect for your apartment , or you, and while one could argue that they didn't actually know you were there, it still made the sting of losing your entire life that much worse. You spent you don't know how many nights hovering awkwardly in the bathroom while they fucked, would constantly wander in to see them going at it on the kitchen counter at ass o'clock in the morning, and once you came in to see them tossing actual literal eggs at the ceiling like the absolute fucking weirdos they were.

So, naturally, you got a little mad. How dare they treat your apartment like that? They had no respect, but they were going to learn it real quick if they were going to live there with you, whether they wanted to or not.

They didn't last long after the first night of slamming cabinets and squealing hinges, but the thrown picture frame of their family was the conclusive end to their stay.

There have been others, since then. They haven't all been terrible, not like that first couple, but most of them have been sub-par roommates, and if you decided early on that if the rest of your immortal life is going to be locked in one shitty apartment with the absolute worst view in the city - because no one wants to see the drunken hookups and potential body dumps that take place in that alley - then you're at least going to share said apartment with someone nice to exist with.

You release a heavy sigh, staring at where your hand disappears through the shower wall. You've taken to testing the boundaries of the apartment again; you already know what the result will be, learned in the first few hours that you're stuck here, but you can't help trying when you get really bored. You just got distracted fucking around with the pipes in the meantime, because you're literally too bored to even focus. It's part of why you miss the last tenants so much, because you weren't ever really bored with them around.

A single mother and her two kids, crammed into a much-too-small apartment because it was all they could afford, and they were the light of your un-life. One a budding teenager that wrote angsty poetry who loved your trick of making things float around, and one an adorable toddler who adored playing peekaboo with you and coloring, and a mom that was too busy to notice anything out of the ordinary. It was like having a family again, made you feel useful when you could pull the meat out of the freezer for her to make dinner with or scratch a quick 'do your homework' on a steamy bathroom mirror. It was fun and it made being dead that much more bearable.

You really should've known that letting the toddler draw the two of you would be a bad idea, especially since there were several artistic liberties taken. It's not your fault the kid thought you'd look cool with fangs and bloody holes instead of eyes and claws that reached the floor. It was art, it was supposed to be a little different from reality. Still, you can't blame her for seeing the picture of her kid and 'my new best friend' and immediately calling the landlord. And a priest.

So, perhaps you gave the apartment a bit of a reputation. Maybe it's been a couple of months since the mom moved out and took your two buds with her. There might be the possibility that you've been the slightest bit salty about losing your friends and you've been extra-ghost-y whenever someone comes by to view the place in an attempt to make yourself feel a little better. Can you really be blamed for that? You just want a decent damn roommate for your life after death, and if that means putting the potentials through a little bit of a test, then so be it. You only feel a little bit bad for the landlord.

The creak of the front door pulls you from your thoughts, and the echo of a voice makes you narrow your eyes. Your first instinct is to slam some windows to scare off whoever's in your apartment, but you repress the urge. You'd die of boredom if you could die again, and whoever this is could provide a few hours' entertainment at the least.

You pop your head through the bathroom wall to see what's going on, and wow , who let an actual giant into your apartment? Fucking with the pipes could definitely wait for this guy.

"I know it's last minute, yeah," He says into the phone that's held carefully between his cheek and shoulder. His arms are loaded down with boxes and he's angled away from you just enough that you can't see his face, but he's tall and broad and wearing what looks like the world's comfiest sweater, and you want to badly to wrap yourself up in him. "But you know Joon needs the help. Don't pretend you aren't constantly willing to put off your thesis, I know for a fact that you went out to look at stationery with Tae last week, and everyone knows that's the most boring thing on the planet."

He's quiet, listening to the soft crackle of a voice from the other end. You slide through the wall completely, hovering as close as you dare to try and hear what the other person is saying. Tall, Broad, and Comfy scoffs.

"He can stare at one sheet of paper for at least ten minutes, Yoongi. Do I need to remind you of the time he spent an entire fucking hour debating which set of holiday scrapbook to buy because, and I quote, 'this one has the really nice rose pattern on it that would look great with the invitations, but, oh, look at the pinstripes in this one!'" His voice morphs into what you guess is an approximation of whoever Tae is, and you laugh at the high-pitched, nasally tone.

Tall and Broad spins, eyes narrowing as he looks around the room, and fuck , he's literally gorgeous. You've never seen someone more attractive in your life or your death and it would probably knock the wind out of you if you actually had breath. Comfy McGorgeous turns back around and sets the stack of boxes in the corner, continuing his tirade about Tae and stationery while simultaneously trying to talk Yoongi into coming, you assume, to help Joon move. You don't know who any of these people are, but they're already proving to be the most entertaining bunch that's ever graced these walls.

The door to your apartment flies open, making both you and Boyfriend Material whip your head around.

"Christ, Jin, you couldn't hold the fucking door open for us?" Someone grunts. Beauty Von Softness - or, Jin, as you should probably refer to him - winces and strides over to do just that as two more guys stagger in with a couch suspended between them. The second they're in the door they drop it to the ground and flop onto it, panting and sweaty.

"Listen, I was busy trying to get our resident hermit out of his cave to help us carry some of this shit," Jin spits back. "And you all know what it's like getting him out and about."

"Did you tell him that there's pizza after we're done? Because I've found that food is the best motivator for him," the guy closest to the door says. His hair is soft-looking and long and you wish you could pet it.

The other guy, the one who cursed Jin out and has the softest pink hair you've ever seen, laughs. "Jeongguk, you always think the best motivator is food."

"Well, yeah, because it is."

"For you, maybe. Other people require actual rewards."

"But food is a reward," Jeongguk mutters into the fabric of the couch. Jin tsks and smacks As Yet Unnamed on the back of the head.

"You're lucky I hung up on him when you bombarded your way into this place, or he'd definitely not come help us," Jin says as he leans against the back of the couch.

Unnamed starts to say something else but is cut off by someone running straight into the end of the couch. They all shoot to their feet, spouting apologies as the three of them maneuver the couch into the apartment properly.

"Sorry, sorry, Jimin distracted us from properly finishing our job," Jeongguk says quickly. He looks to the stranger with a small apologetic smile, and you're pretty sure if it were humanly possible, there would be actual literal stars in his eyes.

"Oh, it's okay, Jeonggukkie. I should've been looking where I was going." New Challenger walks straight towards where you stand, and you realize seconds before it's too late that he is not aware there is a massive stack of boxes in his path. Instinctively, you shove them to the side with your foot. Tall And Oblivious sets his boxes down without any trouble, none the wiser about any of it, and the three near the couch are too busy bickering in hushed whispers to have noticed you doing anything.

The newcomer straightens and turns to look at them all with a bright smile, and you think you might actually see The Light in the way his cheeks dimple. If you thought the other three were beautiful - which they are, no doubt about that, you're seriously wondering why the hell a bunch of supermodels are moving stuff into your apartment - then this guy is easily an Actual Fucking God or something. His brown hair is soft and shiny, his smile is warmer than the sun, and you're fairly positive that for the first time since you died, you feel goosebumps along your arms.

"Seriously, Namjoon, we should've realized you'd be up soon. You stay, start unpacking while we go get the rest of the furniture." Jimin shoves Jeongguk out the door while he's speaking, ignoring the taller's complaints, and Jin just shakes his head at the sight.

"Yoongi'll be here soon, he's finishing up another draft of his thesis. Hobi and Tae are stopping to get the pizzas and then they'll be here, too." Jin's voice is calmer than it was Jimin and Jeongguk, more soothing, and it makes you curious. Not only because of the tone change, but because you know Hobi, he owns the building and is the one who rented you the apartment when you first moved in. One of your favorite things to do is scare him when he comes by to make sure everything’s ready for a viewing.

"What? No, I said I was gonna pay for pizzas!" Namjoon looks distinctly more upset about this than someone should over not having to pay for pizza, at least in your mind, and it only makes you more curious.

"Yeah, but you also just moved out of your old apartment because it was too expensive, and had like an hour to load everything into a truck, so you're gonna let their trust fund asses pay for pizzas. We're seven adult men, and Guk could eat an entire horse and still be hungry. I'm not letting you pay for that."

Silence hangs in the apartment for a while before Namjoon gives a soft thanks to Jin. They share a smile before Jin makes his way back out. You follow each step, shadowing him all the way to the door before you're stopped. You lean your entire body forward, struggling against the invisible barrier keeping you inside, and the force of it nearly slams you back into the wall when you sag in defeat.

You aren't sure why you try anymore, but you know yourself well enough to admit that you're not going to stop until you can at least make it to the hallway.

Whatever you expected Namjoon to be like as a roommate, however unknowing he is about the situation, you don't think you could've guessed what he's actually like.

Out of the seven boys you saw the day he moved in, he's the only one living there. Not a complete surprise, considering it's a studio apartment, but you remember when there were nine people living there at one point, and there was barely room for anyone to breathe even if it had been pretty consistently amusing. Still, for one person, he's got a ton of stuff, and it's a shock it all fits. His bed is massive and comfortable and the best place to lay during the day because it's shoved between the brick half-wall and the large windows that take up one wall. The area's supposed to be for a dining table, you think, but you'd had your bed there, too, and the familiarity is nice.

His couch is small and old but manages to fit five of them, and it's a pleasantly jarring difference from the coffee table that looks like - and might actually be - an old steamer trunk. The exposed brick wall you love holds his mounted TV, a feat that took Jeongguk and Yoongi a solid hour and a half because they kept stripping the screws, and it's got one of those 8-cubicle bookshelf things under it that stores a frankly obnoxious amount of books.

He's got mugs for days, an adorable if odd collection of figurines and mini-statues scattered around the apartment, a strange obsession with some reclaimed wood shelf he's got hanging above his bed, but the absolute highlight of it all is The Wall.

It took them three hours to get it installed and set up the way he wanted, between the placements and the thick wooden shelf they’re perched on with supports and a small safety bar along the edge to keep them from falling off, but along the entire windowed wall and partway after it turns the corner runs a long shelf absolutely covered in plants. There are some elsewhere, like the one he keeps hanging from the bathroom ceiling and the couple in the kitchen, but most are on The Wall. Each one is in its own special pot, each a unique color with a name painted carefully along it, and most of them look half-dead. They're all distinct and unique from each other and they all surely have different needs and ideal conditions, but you'd never guess because Namjoon is so wholly committed to them all. He takes time every day to water them and prune them if he needs to, he checks on them constantly. He even reinforced the safety bar for the ones that sit beside his bed, so there was less chance he'd accidentally knock them around while sleeping.

It's fascinating, watching him tend to them. He's so careful and gentle, with absolute precision in every moment. He cares for his plants the way some people would care for a pet or a child. He doesn’t believe any of them are past caring for, slowly nurses all of them back to health and frequently turns up with more he’s saved from some department store. The most endearing thing, though, you decide as you sit curled among the haphazard blankets of his bed and watch, is the talking. It's every day, for as long as it takes him to care for the plants, and it's the cutest thing in the world. He's talking to some succulent as you just stare at him, filling the comfortable silence of the apartment with his soft, soothing voice, and you wish he could hear you when you talk back to him.

"I know they mean well, but at some point, I've just gotta live my own life, y'know? I can't study something just because everyone expects me to, and I can't pursue some dream just because people think I'd be good at it. I've gotta do what's right for me, don't I?" His tone is positive and bright, a contrast to the gloomy sky that casts shadows across the apartment.

You float over, hovering beside him to look at the plant he's lovingly stroking with his thumb. It's in a pretty periwinkle pot, with the name 'Mang' painted in careful but shaky black handwriting. It's not your favorite - that's the one in the bathroom that hangs over its light blue bowl, a quickly scrawled 'Koya' on the bottom - but it seems to be one of Namjoon's personal favorites based on how often he talks to it specifically.

"I think it's nice you do things for yourself," You tell him. He doesn't react, unable to hear you, but it's nice to hear your own voice after so long. You slide one of the plants - Chim, in a small yellow bowl - to the side and away from his elbow, and he doesn't notice. "You know yourself better than they do. You should trust yourself."

He keeps mumbling to Mang, something about everyone following their own dreams and doing what they need over what people want or expect, when you lay your hand over his.

Thunder cracks through the sky and the first raindrops hits the window as your non-existent skin hits his, and it's the most real thing you've felt in a long time. It's as if the scent of ozone and electricity is in the apartment itself, crackling in your hair and filling your nose with the overpowering scent of the sweet summer rain. You can almost feel the water hit your skin, the way the wind whips at your hair, and it's so intoxicating that you almost miss the sharp inhale from the man beside you.

He's not looking at his plant when you look up, but instead at the window in front of the two of you. You glance at it, and for a fraction of a second, you can see yourself in the reflection. The glimpse has you jerking towards it before you can stop yourself, desperate to know if something has changed. You haven't seen your reflection since you died, not in the mirror or the window or the toaster, and maybe, just maybe, it means something's changed.

Your hand stops against the glass of the window as you reach forward. You can't feel the cool of it under your palm, but it's no less a barrier for you as it would be for Namjoon. Something in you breaks as you watch the raindrops race each other to the ground.

"Ah, I forgot the forecast called for rain today," he mutters, eyes focused on the lightning that streaks by. He doesn't react when your fist slams against the glass, nor when you let out the scream that's been building in you for however long it's been since you died. You're so close, not even a hair's breadth from feeling something new yet familiar for the first time in so long, and you can't. You're still stuck in these four walls, unable to even reach the air outside.

You just want to feel the rain again.

You move dejectedly away from the window, ignoring the way Namjoon shivers as you pass. The temperature in the apartment has dropped considerably, you think, between the storm and your own mood. You can't tell, really. You haven't felt warm or cold or hungry or anything since you died that isn't the oppressive loneliness of life after death.

A dry sob tears itself from your throat and you hurry to hide in the bathroom as Namjoon turns to look around him. He mumbles something you can't hear and after a few minutes, he returns to tending to his plants, leaving you to your tear-less cries in peace.

It becomes quickly apparent to you that Namjoon should really have a roommate, if only to save him from himself. It takes a few weeks for you to realize this, but luckily he seems to narrate his life as he goes through it - which is overwhelmingly adorable to you, and you refuse to acknowledge that - and that means that you hear it every time he goes, "Ah, Namjoon, be more careful next time," or "Oh, shoot, that's not, fuck, I gotta buy more eggs now." It's painful to watch, even for you, and at some point, you just couldn't take it anymore. No one else is around to help, but someone needs to you, and clearly the universe means for you to be that someone.

It's a full-time job, protecting him from himself. You've saved countless mugs, pushing them farther away from the edges of counters and tables, and been just in time to shove bowls or vases an inch over so that his elbows glide harmlessly past them. It's almost exhausting, if you could get tired you would, but it's worth it, you think, as you catch the bookshelf under the TV as it tilts. You slide it gently to the floor, glad that Namjoon is distracted by how close he came to losing a toe to notice.

Because that's the other thing about this tree of a man: he's the most oblivious person you've ever fucking seen. It doesn't matter what it is you do, whether it's bouncing his spray bottle of water so it doesn't break on the hard floor or shake the counters so that the knife he's about to drop on his fucking hand falls the other way, he doesn't see a single fucking thing. You'd think he was blind if he wasn't so attentive to the way his plants grow. He notices nothing and you're glad for it because you really aren't sure what he would do if he knew you were going around haunting him just to keep him alive. You just want to help, want to keep the soft smile he wears more often around for as long as possible.

You don't dare to look into why you want that, too afraid of what you might find there.

It's also just fun to watch him and his friends, relaxed and unreserved. You never had many friends when you were alive, just a small handful that you really truly loved and whom you miss every day. Watching these seven boys fills you with nostalgia and a strange sense of joy because they really are some of the funniest people you've ever been around.

Like now, with four of them sprawled on the couch while Jeongguk and Hoseok make themselves comfortable leaning against the bookshelf under the TV - which has been bolted to the wall since it almost broke Namjoon's foot - and Namjoon watches them all from his bed since it's the only other place to sit. There are beer bottles scattered around and decorating the half-wall that separates the bed from the room proper, everyone is varying levels of drunk, and you're curled up close to Namjoon, leaning against the wall so you can stop him from knocking over any of the bottles nearby because you know him too well at this point.

"I'm just saying, I don't understand why they made him so over-powered in the new movies, because he's supposed to be some kid from Brooklyn! Giving him the high-tech suit essentially strips him of the friendly neighborhood persona that he's always relied on!" Jeongguk has been ranting for a while about the newest release in the Spiderman franchise - apparently, he's part of the actual Avengers now, which is a shock to you since the last thing you heard before you died was that the franchise was canceled until further notice or something.

"And I'm saying that if they didn't give him the suit then it would've made no sense how he was able to do those things," Yoongi responds. You're pretty sure he's just arguing to be contrary at this point, because you remember him telling Namjoon the other day that he prefers DC over Marvel.

"Garfield's Spiderman could do those things," you mutter, "And he didn't have a fancy suit."

"Okay, then how do you explain Andrew Garfield's version being able to do that stuff? He doesn't need the suit, he never has!" You preen at the way Jeongguk echoes your thoughts. "I'm telling you, I don't care how good the relationship with Holland's Spidey and Iron Man is, by giving him the tech and the advancements they did, they've undermined everything that Spiderman is supposed to be about."

"Jeongguk come off it, everyone knows Garfield's Spidey was just all bad writing. I mean, what kind of person can do all that stuff, realistically? He's the one that really needed the Stark suit." Taehyung's voice is slurred and quiet, definitely as drunk as the rest of them. 

"What-! No! I could do half of that without being bitten by a weird science spider!" Jin scoffs at Jeongguk's words. 

"Yeah, sure, Guk. The same way you can do that bottlecap challenge."

"Bottle cap challenge, and yeah, I could!" The youngest stands and you don't bother to hide your grimace. 

"This isn't going to end well, is it?" You ask. No one acknowledges you, too busy finding something Jeongguk can kick the cap off of as the boy readies himself. He's steady on his feet but his face is red and he can't seem to stop giggling. 

"If I do this, you gotta call me SpiderGuk from now on, okay?" He says. No one agrees, but it doesn't stop him from laughing again and doing a couple of roundhouse kicks to warm up. 

"Okay, okay, Joonie doesn't have any regular water bottles, but we found a screw-top beer in the fridge so ya gotta use that," Jimin says as he stumbles over with said bottle. Jeongguk just nods, an adorable focused expression on his face. Jimin holds the bottle in the air, and you can already tell his grip isn't tight enough to keep the bottle still when Jeongguk kicks it. 

The next ten seconds happen in slow-motion. Jeongguk's leg flies out to kick but his drunken body isn't able to handle the sudden shift in balance, and he slips. His foot hits the bottle slightly too low, and it goes flying out of Jimin's weak grip into the air. Everyone in the room watches as it hurtles straight towards Namjoon's face, and you react out of habit and instinct, catching it in one hand before you even realize you've moved. 

Everyone freezes, staring at where the bottle hovers in front of Namjoon's face. You're the only one able to see your fingers wrapped around it. A shock jolts through you at the realization of what you've done and you drop the bottle as if it burned you. Fuck, they were all going to freak, then Namjoon would move out and you'd be stuck alone once more. You should've just shoved him out of the way, what were you thinking, you're so fucking stupid-

"Dude," Hoseok mutters from where he's perched on the arm of the couch. "Holy shit, Joon, you're fucking telepathic." 

Yoongi rolls his eyes and smacks his chest. "Telekinetic, you fucking-"

"Holy shit, you've got fucking superpowers!" Jeongguk squeaks. "Do it again!"

Namjoon isn't even able to get a word out before there's a book flying at his face, and you panic. You can't catch it, too rushed, but you manage to deflect it so it hits the bed with a soft thump instead of braining Namjoon straight in the nose. 

"Woah, you really do have superpowers," Jimin whispers. He lobs a bottlecap at Namjoon, and you catch it in your palm before letting it drop onto the half-wall. 

"I don't have...what the fuck you guys," Namjoon insists. His eyes are as wide as saucers behind the thick glasses he has on. He looks freaked out and you want nothing more than to hug him. Your hand reaches out of its own accord, halfway closing the distance to stroke his hair before you catch yourself. 

"Hey, levitate your plants," Jin demands. Namjoon looks panicked as he glances at the wall of plants, and you heave a sigh. With any luck, they're so drunk that they'll remember this as a strange fever dream, but you can't just let them keep throwing things at him. You crawl over to the wall, avoiding Namjoon as you do, and grasp one of the plants tight. It's a white pot with red polka dots, a simple RJ on the side, and it's fucking heavy. You only get it a few inches off the shelf before you're forced to put it down.

"Oh my god, catch this!" Taehyung throws a coffee mug straight at Namjoon's head and you panic again. You catch it, and you've decided you're fucking sick of them throwing things at him, so you lob it back and dart across the room to bounce it safely to the counter before it can break. 

Everyone in the room stares at the mug and then looks back at Namjoon, who hasn't moved from his spot on the bed. 

"Oh my god, you're a superhero," Jeongguk whispers, awe in his eyes. 

"That's fucked up," Yoongi mutters, wincing when Hoseok elbows him. 

"Maybe we should get some sleep," Namjoon says quietly. The others look like they want to disagree with him, and you have no doubt they want to explore the newfound 'abilities' of their friend, but they still start gathering trash together before they head out. 

Namjoon lays awake for a long time that night, glasses folded and sitting atop the half-wall beside you. He's oblivious to the way you watch him, too lost in thought to feel the weight of your stare or the chill in the air. 

"I don't understand," He says after a while. "I really don't, but there's got to be a reason for it." He doesn't elaborate, merely turns over and evens his breathing out until he starts snoring, but you watch him for most of the night. He's fascinating, this human, and you wonder what makes him so different from the others you've met. 

He apparently decides to experiment. You've known Namjoon is intelligent since he first moved in and you saw his collectible encyclopedias, but you hadn't realized just what it would be like in actuality. 

It starts simple. He'll toss something in the air and let it clatter to the ground. Nothing big, just little things like pencils or bottlecaps, and not far, just enough that his eyes narrow as he apparently tries to use his telekinetic abilities to manipulate them. 

It slowly graduates from there. Next comes the way he stares at something across the room, hyper-focused on whatever it is until you notice and move it around for him. It's a guessing game, sometimes, trying to figure out just what he wants to move or how he wants to move it, but each time you're successful, he smiles so brightly, dimples on full display. Who wouldn't want to make him smile like that?

It's hit or miss, sometimes. You're only so strong, and while you've had a lot of practice, you still get tired. You lifted his bookshelf almost a full inch before blacking out. Next thing you knew, a couple of days had passed and Namjoon was staring at a coffee mug. That was a significantly less fun day; between losing time and having to catch coffee mug after coffee mug, you were exhausted and a little shaken. 

So when he stops staring at things for extended periods of time, when he starts to go back to reading and scrolling the internet and bingeing all the completed shows that Netflix and Amazon had to offer, you're grateful for it. He still occasionally tests it out; he's always subtle about it, choosing to stare quietly until you notice and make whatever it is float around for a minute. Once you wandered around looking for him - a feat in a studio apartment - and found him just sitting on the bathroom floor, staring at a shampoo bottle.

You'd like to say that you don't move things entirely because he wants you to. It's a good test of your abilities and how far you can push yourself until it becomes too much, and it's always nice to have actual evidence that you still exist - in some form, at least - in the world. The validation that comes from seeing him smile every time you lift a pencil or slide a coffee mug to the side, it's not for any reason but the satisfaction of knowing that you have some kind of existence. Some kind of impact on the world, even if you can't be seen and can't leave the apartment.

It's part of why you start moving things around yourself more often; you're hoping he just blames it on his overactive 'abilities' if he notices because you really aren't sure what he would think otherwise. But you also know for a fact that just seeing that you have some kind of sway over the world still - over the things inside this tiny apartment - makes you feel just that bit better about being dead.

Which is why it's such a fucking shock when the door to the apartment slams open one evening just for Namjoon to slam it closed again and announce into the air, "So I know you're haunting me, please don't try to deny it, I only want to talk to you."

You freeze where you are, halfway through the closet door from where you were reorganizing his clothes because they made no sense and you were bored. He's looking around the apartment, almost desperate in the way he's searching, and you can't bring yourself to move. It's obvious he can't see you, and you aren't even sure if he's being serious, but the way he huffs and clenches his jaw before moving into the kitchen tells you that he probably is.

You follow him, curious, and watch as he pulls a small package out of his bag and starts ripping it open. You float the remains of what looks like gift wrap over to the trashcan, because you know Namjoon will forget, before going back to watching him. He's only a little careful as he cracks something in his hands and then slaps it onto the fridge, and you peek around him to see that it's some kind of words or something. There’s a wide variety, with no clear theme to them, as well as at least one of each letter of the alphabet. It's then you remember the throwaway comment Yoongi made during that night - "You need, like, poetry stuff, like those magnets that go on the fridge that people write that deep shit with, y'know? I'm gonna buy you one," - and realize that he'd followed through on his vow. 

"Alright," Namjoon says, leaning against his kitchen counter and staring at the magnets. "First and foremost, am I really being haunted or is this some kind of hallucination?" His gaze never falters, doesn’t ever drift from the magnetic words now spread across his fridge doors. It takes several minutes to build up the energy and the courage to move closer to the fridge.

You don't look at him as you move the words around, but you can hear the sharp intake of breath. That's likely all the confirmation that he needs, but still you clear a spot and let the words ' I am here ' sit where he can see them clearly. You wrinkle your nose, disliking how formal it sounds, but you have to make do, you suppose.

"Okay," Namjoon breathes. "Okay, prove it. My brain could work this into a hallucination. How do I know you're really a ghost?"

"Seriously?" You huff. "What the fuck am I supposed to do that wouldn't work into a hallucination, dude?"

He gets fidgety in the few minutes that you spend wondering how the fuck you're going to prove that you're a real actual ghost to someone who clearly doesn't believe in them. His foot taps at the floor and he scratches at his hand, which only makes you want to wrap your own hands around his until he stops, much like your best friend used to lay her legs across your lap to get you to stop shaking your knee.

The realization comes in a flash, and you're moving letters around before you can stop yourself.

Face book, Park Jihyo, best friend.

Namjoon stares at it for a long while before he brings his phone out of his pocket and begins to tap at the screen. You don't get too close; you've got a history with shorting out electronics, and you aren't sure you want to know what your best friend is up to without you there with her.

"Okay," Namjoon says. "Okay, I've never seen her before, so I don't think my brain could work her into a hallucination. Okay. Alright. I'm being haunted. This is fine."

"Calm down, I'm haunting the apartment, not you." He doesn't react to your words, as usual, but it still makes you feel the slightest bit better. He stares at his phone for a little longer, and the curiosity burns under your skin, but you resist. You know from experience that if you try to get too close, his phone will stop working. Just like TV, the stereo, the laptops, everything. You've had enough experience with that kind of thing to know what will happen.

"Okay, Casper," Namjoon huffs out after several minutes of waiting. He looks up and his eyes dart around the apartment, and you wonder if he's just nervous or if he's trying to spot you. "Where are you right now? Can you make yourself visible? I mean, I know you're a ghost, but it feels rude not talking to you to your face."

You huff a laugh but reach for a coffee cup. You know you can't just make yourself visible at will; you've only done it a couple of times, to your knowledge, and none of them have been on purpose. It's even more difficult to make yourself corporeal and physical, harder than just manipulating objects, but you did it once. Back when the single mom still lived here, when her toddler was falling and you had no way to cushion the fall except with your own body; you still aren't sure how it happened, but you remember being able to feel the floor against your back and the warmth of the baby on top of you for a split second before you were gone again. You won't forget that any time soon.

You float the mug towards where you stand, holding it in front of your face long enough that when you pull it away, Namjoon's eyes don't follow it. It's a strange feeling; you know he can't see you, can tell by the way his brow furrows and his eyes slide around the space, but it feels like he's looking straight at you. It feels like you're being seen for the first time since you died.

"So, where are you from, Casper?" His tone is forcibly conversational, as if he's trying his best to keep himself calm. You roll your eyes and move the magnets to show ' here ' and he nods. "You're not gonna try to possess me, or kill me, or run me off, are you? No offense or anything. I figure you would've already at this point, but...cover my bases."

No. Am nice. I think.

"You think? You don't know if you're a nice ghost?"

Does anyone truly know if they are nice? You frown, trying to figure out how to say what you want to say with the limited words available. I can only try. It's still not perfect; there's more that you want to say, more that you want to be heard, but this has to do for now.

"I can accept that. Alright. Just talking to a ghost in my kitchen. Okay. This is totally normal." He rubs a hand over his face, and you're a little impressed. Everyone else that's lived here has freaked when presented with the knowledge that you're a ghost. Namjoon looks very much like his world is exploding, but he doesn't have the same fear and apprehension in his eyes. He's certainly coping better than the single mom.

"Are you the only ghost? Here, I mean, are you the only ghost here?" He breathes a sigh of relief at your 'yes.’ "Can you see other ghosts? Do you know any other ghosts?" The 'don't know, no' that you move around on your fridge seems to unsettle him a little, but there's a curiosity burning behind it that makes your skin tingle.

Can't leave, is what you say next, cutting off whatever question he was about to ask.

"You can't leave at all? The building, or the apartment?"

The second.

"Wow. You're really stuck here?" He looks around the apartment as if seeing it for the first time and sucks in a breath. "What do you do all day?"

Watch. He cocks a brow. You are... You hesitate. The word you need isn't there, everything that comes to you is too poetic or corny for you to actually say, but the weight of his eyes is heavy on your hands. Fun is what you settle on, but it's not right either. 'Interesting' isn't there, nor is 'fascinating' or 'lovely,' and you don't want to scare him off by telling him that part of the reason you watch him so much is that he's so full of life that you feel less dead when he's around.

He laughs at your words though and shakes his head ever so slightly. "Alright, well, I'm gonna shower, so just, don't...watch that?" You squawk at the insinuation that you would, quickly rearranging the letters to spell ' privacy' and making a large angry face out of the rest of the words. He's already turned away, though, and it makes you angrier.

You don't want him thinking that you would peep at him. You already make sure that you're facing the windows when he finishes showering, you've been determined to not be creepy since the day he moved in, and to have him think otherwise is like a slap in the face. You slam the mug against the counter and he startles, turning to gape at it. You carry it to where your words and make-do emoji sit waiting for him to notice them.

"Okay," He says quickly. "Okay, privacy, yeah, got it. You respect my privacy. Appreciated."

"How fucking rude," You mutter as you set the mug back down. You don't adjust the magnets as he disappears into the bathroom. You want him to see them, want him to be reminded of the fact that being dead doesn't mean you don't have basic decency.

You can't get him to shut up now that he knows you're there. He still forgets sometimes, mostly when he's talking to his plants or narrating the way he carefully constructs some origami creation, but more often than not, he's talking to thin air. He spends a lot of time perched on his counter, watching you move magnets around his fridge through the thick lenses of his glasses before he spouts off some other question for you to answer. 

He covers the basics first: how old you were when you died, when your birthday is, your favorite color, what you were studying in school, and of course your name, though he insists on calling you Casper. You aren't sure why but you also don't get a chance to question it, because he hits you with more and more questions every day. Sometimes you don't answer because you can't, too limited by the poetry magnets to be able to really converse; sometimes you just don't have the energy to move the magnets around, but those are days are rare. The only times you use the tired magnet are when you find your limbs too heavy to move, weighed down with the memories of what it meant to be alive. 

Those are the bad days, but his questions make them just a little easier.

"How do you move around? Do you just float everywhere?" Walking, but different. No weight. Soft.

"How are you able to manipulate things in my world? Are they different from things in your world?" Focus. Takes time. Same.

"Do you sleep at all? Do ghosts dream?" No sleep. Just existing.

"You don't eat, do you? Should I be stocking up on snacks for you?" No. Save your sustenance. "What was the last thing you ate?" Don't remember. "Huh. I hope it was something good." Same.

"Were you ever in a relationship?" Once. A long time before. "Do you miss them?" Not anymore.

"What did you do while you were alive?" School. "Oh, really? Do you remember what you studied?" Boring. Important then, but it made me forget to live. Not important now. Namjoon goes quiet for a long moment after this one, staring out the window at something you can't see. He nods but doesn't ask any more questions, and he reads for the rest of the night.

It only takes a couple of weeks for both you and Namjoon to get tired of standing in his kitchen fucking around on the fridge. His legs get tired and he gets distracted by his thoughts, and you can barely keep up with the rapid-fire questions you get.

So Namjoon buys one of those cheap cookie sheets with the slightest lip at the edge and dumps the magnets on that. He leaves it on the coffee table, usually, there for you to pick up if he asks something but out of the way for when he stretches out to nap lazily in the afternoon sun.

You like the cookie sheet more than the fridge. He watches you as you work out your responses, can see the way you start to move one word before moving another instead; it makes it feel more like a conversation.

It becomes a favorite pass-time of Namjoon's, curling on the couch and putting some sort of music on in the background and just talking to you. A lot of nights his questions stop with a lingering silence from one or both of you; yours because you don't have the ability to share the words running rampant through your mind, and his for reasons still unknown to you. Still, you've missed it. You've missed talking to someone, being heard when you speak, having someone ask how you are at the end of the day.

It's the little things.

"You said you can't leave, right, Casper?" Namjoon's curled up on his couch, tucked into the arm with a blanket thrown over his lap, a mug of something warm in his hands to combat the chill of the season, and some R&B track playing lightly from his phone. You knock your fist against the cookie once - a sign for yes that you'd both agreed on. "So, are you just always here then? You don't go anywhere else?"

"Fuck, how do I explain this?" You mutter. You stare at the magnets in front of you for a long time before rearranging them. Not always. Tired sometimes, disappear.

"Disappear?" He reads. "What do you mean? You just, what, stop existing?"

Don't know, you respond. Only happens when tired. When used too much of me. He hums an acknowledgment, eyes focused on where the cookie sheet sits on the couch between you. You? What entertains you?

"Everything," he answers without hesitation. "I'm trying to work through my stack of books I want to read and finish all the shows I'm interested in, but the guys would have my head if I didn't get out and do things like a normal person."

That's where you leave to?

"Yeah." He sets his mug - now empty - on the coffee table and settles into the blankets. He looks cozy and soft and you would wrap yourself up with him if you could. "I take a lot of walks, and bike rides. I like to see the river, the trees, all the animals that live there. The beach is always fun, I get to see all the crabs and whatnot that wander in and out of the ocean."

"I wish I could go with you," you whisper.

Fun is what you spell on your sheet.

"I guess," he mutters. "It's enjoyable, at least. I'll bring you some souvenirs, or pictures next time."

You let the sheet settle on the couch as he turns the TV on, setting up a drama that he's on recently. He doesn't say anything else for a few hours, waits until the sound of rain hits the windows and stifles the apartment in an otherworldly haze.

"How long have you been dead?" His voice lingers in the air. You've been expecting these questions, and you're honestly impressed he's held them back for as long as he has. That angsty teen hadn't hesitated a single second to start asking you questions.

A while. Years. I think .

"Do you ever get tired of being a ghost?" There's something in his voice that you can't place, something that tells you this is more than just his usual morbid curiosity. Every part of your soul - whatever's left of it, anyway - is screaming at you to lie to him, to tell him that no, being a ghost is great. You've never wished he could hear you more than this moment, when all you want to is wrap your arms around him and ask him why he looks so much older than he is.

Sometimes, you tell him. It is lonely here, and boring. Fun to be unseen, but unable to do much more.

He nods like that makes all the sense in the world to him, and he brings the blanket up around his shoulders. "Do you ever miss your friends, or your family?"

Would you not? He huffs out an unamused chuckle, nodding again.

"Yeah," He says softly. "Yeah, I would. Do you want me to help you check on them? See what they're up to?" The single knock that echoes in the room is deafening to you, filled with a hope that you haven't felt in years. You've never let yourself think about them for long; if you did, you don't think you'd be able to come back from whatever that place is that you disappear to when things become Too Much.

Namjoon pulls his phone closer and starts fiddling with it. He doesn't hesitate when he types in your name, and you feel an emotional blush fill you when you see that he doesn't even have to finish typing for your profile to pop up. You glance at him, the way his brows are furrowed behind his glasses and his tongue pokes into his cheek just a little while he concentrates, and you wonder how many times he's looked at the pictures of you when you were alive. How many times has he scrolled through, reading the words people shared after you were gone, scrolling through the grief and loss to get to the words you posted yourself, the little snippets of your daily life that you would give anything to be able to relive?

"Do I still look like that?" You wonder aloud. As expected, he doesn't react, just continues tapping at his phone.

You two spend the rest of the night like that, each curled at opposite ends of the couch while Namjoon slowly looks up your friends and family and updates you on each of them. Jihyo got married, to someone she'd gone on a date with a few weeks before you passed, and she's apparently trying to start having kids; Your mother and father aren't very active, but they never were. They both share pictures of you when you were a baby each year on your birthday, and more recent photos of you on the anniversary. They have a dog now. It's cute. You wonder if it helps them cope with the loss.

Your other friends are doing well, too; most of them are still figuring out their lives, but it seems like all of them are settling in their skin and finding comfort in who they are. They're out there, navigating the world and doing things they enjoy, meeting new friends and making new memories.

You stand by the window for a long time, cookie sheet of magnetized words pressed against your chest as if you can feel the cool of the metal against your skin, and watch rain drip down the panes as you imagine what your life could have been.

You can always hear Namjoon before you see him. He whistles as he walks down the sidewalk, his small way of letting you know he's on his way back from wherever he's gone that day, and today isn't an exception. Relief sags through you and you move away from the windows, let your fingers trail against the ceramic of the newest succulent he'd bought, and head towards the kitchen. The kettle is turned on and heating a few moments later while you pull a mug down from your cabinet and set it carefully on the counter where Namjoon will see it.

It's a regular routine, for the two of you. He heads out, usually in the early morning after turning on some music or a show for you, and when he comes back, you make sure there's hot water for his tea or cocoa or whatever he feels like drinking that day. The sound of his whistling gets louder the closer he gets, a simple way to let you know he's safe and he's home. You glance through the cabinets and quickly make a note on the fridge that he needs to buy more of his special tea blend soon.

The lock turns and you smile, waiting patiently as Namjoon saunters into the apartment. He sets something down on the kitchen counter just as the kettle starts to scream, and you wait while he pours the water and gets it ready.

"The cherry blossoms bloomed," He says. You grin. "They look great. I got some really nice pictures while I was there, I'll show you tonight. I was thinking we could try to finish Voltron tonight if you want. We'll have to go back an episode though, I think I fell asleep during the last one." You knock once against the counter beside you, and he turns with a wide grin to glance at the spot where you stand.

It's ridiculous for your heart to speed up in your chest, for the hair on the back of your neck to rise, for breath to catch in your throat; you don't have a heartbeat, you don't have breath, you're a shadow of the person you used to be, and yet...

And yet, seeing his dimpled smile focused so naturally on where you are, as if it's just second-nature, is like a breath of fresh air after years underwater. It smells like flowers, like dirt and earth and a new beginning. It feels like you're alive again, and you don't want it to end, but too soon he's turning away to finish steeping the tea. Something lingers in the air for a moment after but it's gone too soon for you to place it.

You both settle on the couch, Namjoon tucking whatever he brought home with him under his arm, between his body and the arm of his ratty old couch. Your cookie sheet is in its place on the coffee table, unneeded at the moment. You can't help the glare that you give it; the things you would give to be able to just speak and be heard are endless.

It rattles a little and you look away.

Namjoon is quiet as the show plays. He doesn't react when you move to turn the oven on, but he does laugh quietly and thank you for it when he goes to put his dinner in. He eats and you don't bother him, though the way he keeps his little package hidden away makes curiosity burn through you. Eventually, once he's eaten and washed his dishes and laughed at the way you rubbed them dry before setting them carefully in their places, he settles back into his blankets and turns on the music he loves so much.

He's got a book balanced in his hands and your cookie sheet rests on the coffee table, and you both just sit like that for a long while, enjoying existing.

"You remember your life, right Casper?" You thump lazily against the wall in response, eyes drawn from where you watch the gloomy sky slowly get lighter with the dawn. He isn't looking at his book anymore; he probably hasn't been for a while, based on the way the pages have migrated around his thumb, too busy staring at the wall across from him. "Do you remember your death?"

You hesitate. You've tiptoed around the subject before. He's always been too afraid to ask directly, and it's too painful for you to offer it freely. You thump against the wall once more, and he nods like he already knew the answer.

"Are they very different?" His glasses are falling down his nose and your fingers itch to push them up. Instead, you reach for your cookie sheet. He makes a sound in the back of his throat when he sees it moving, reaching under him for his package. "I forgot, I got you this. Thought it might be easier."

He sets it down and you slide the contents out of the wrapping easily. Inside is a small dry-erase board, complete with markers and eraser, small things that should be easy for you to manipulate. You beam at him; he can't see it, but you think he might be able to feel it because he perks up and smiles a little.

"You don't have to answer," He adds. "I was just curious to know if being dead is really as different as everyone makes it out to be." You nod and thump once against the board before you uncap a marker and start writing.

It's a bizarre feeling, after so long. The muscles in your hand don't ache, no matter how much you write, and you can't feel the smooth surface of the board under your fingers or the weight of the marker in your palm, but it glides against it cleanly and leaves a thick black streak behind.

It takes you a minute to write everything out, get it worded how you want. Namjoon doesn't interrupt you, just watches the marker move against the board and smiles every time you go to erase something that isn't right. Eventually you show it to him.

There are similarities. I'm still me, I still enjoy TV and music and books. Things are duller now, like there's a filter over them, and it's harder to do things. Like when you're in water, or mud, like that. Resistance.

"Oh," Namjoon replies, "That's not what I expected. It makes sense though I guess." His hand moves against his chest, rubbing lightly as he looks over your words again. "Is there anything you actually like about being a ghost?"

"Well, being invisible is pretty cool," You say, writing the words as you do. "And it's actually really fun being able to walk through walls and stuff, even if I can't go anywhere outside of the apartment."

"I'm sorry you're stuck here," Namjoon says. You startle a little, looking up at him. You think he actually heard you for a split second, but his eyes are locked on where you're writing your words out on the dry erase board.

"Yeah, me too," You tell him. He stares at the board for a long moment, chewing nervously on his bottom lip as he does. "Ask what you want to ask, Joon," You write as you say it.

"How did you die?" He blurts. You sigh and he jumps a little, looking fully at where you sit. You're shocked; you know that sometimes little noises cross over, like when Jin heard you laughing, but it's still rare. You can't figure out how it works, but you want to.

You write for a long time, letters small so they fit on the board. The whole thing is crowded together, looks like one long string of letters instead of the story it is.

There's a lot of violence in this neighborhood. You probably know that by now. People are always getting robbed or mugged or something around here. Someone tried to break into my apartment by banging the door down. It didn't work, luckily, but I got really paranoid afterwards. One night I was cooking, and someone's door slammed really hard. I spilled the water I was boiling, slipped. Blacked out after a while, and when I came to, there were police everywhere. I guess I hit my head harder than I thought, because they carted me away, and I couldn’t follow.

"I'm sorry," Namjoon says softly. "You deserved more time."

Yeah. The universe had a different plan, I guess. He smiles at that, and it settles the anxiety thrumming under your skin. Wouldn't have met you, so I guess that's a bonus. He rolls his eyes at you but he laughs softly, so you consider it a win. You doodle on the board then, simple little designs that don't mean anything beyond being able to see your effect on the world.

Namjoon sucks in a breath beside you and you look up at him. He's always been good about looking towards where you are, doing his best to make eye contact with someone he can't see, but he still always tends to look through you.

Not this time.

This time, electricity sings through the air as your eyes meet his. You don't know how, but you know he can see you. His eyes roam over you, taking in the crumpled sweater you were wearing with the stain you like to think is pasta sauce on the arm, the hair you can't ever really tame, the way you sit cross-legged on his old thread-bare couch with a dry erase board in your hands.

Neither of you moves. He looks torn between fear and amazement, every emotion in between flitting quickly over his features, and you're terrified that if you move, whatever spell that's been cast will fade. It had been so long since you talked to anyone when Namjoon slammed those magnets on the fridge, and the conversation has been a reprieve, but to be seen for the first time in years...

It's invigorating.

Watching Namjoon just look at you is something you won't ever forget, not for as long as you exist in the world. He looks at you like he's memorizing every detail, every hair and wrinkle and pore, and just knowing that he can see you fills you with something new.

"Namjoon...?" You call hesitantly. His eyes fall on your lips.

"Again," He says. Your brows must furrow, maybe you frown, you don't know because it's been so long since you've needed to pay attention to your facial expressions, but he notices your confusion. "Will you say something again?"

Breath you don't have catches in your throat, wraps itself around a heart that doesn't beat, but you smile a little. "I'm glad I met you."

Namjoon smiles. It's big and blinding and knocks everything out of you except for that emotion that's been sitting in your chest since the first time you watched him talk to his plants. You lean forward, and you can tell the exact moment you disappear, because his smile falls and his eyes unfocus. A whimper leaves your throat, but he doesn't react, and that may be the most painful thing that's ever happened to you.

"Can I feel you?" His voice is hushed but the words reverberate in your head. His eyes dart around, looking for any glimpse of you, and your hand trembles as you reach out.

Goosebumps raise on his cheek where your hand touches him and his breath stops for a moment, but he smiles again and leans into the chill. You bring your other hand up to cup his other cheek, your dry erase board lying forgotten on the ground, and Namjoon's eyes flutter closed.

"I think I might love you," You say quietly just before you press your lips to his. He doesn't react to your words, but he lets out a soft sigh at your kiss. Thunder cracks through the apartment, a torrent of rain unleashed on the windows, but you don't move.

The two of you sit like that for hours, until he starts shivering and his nose turns red, like it does when he forgets his scarf on the cold days, and his breath puffs in the air. When you finally pull away from him, he smiles, and the blush on his cheeks has nothing to do with the cold air that makes up your form.

"Yeah," He says softly, voice nearly drowned out by the storm raging outside. "Yeah, I can feel you."

If you expected things to change much after that, you were wrong. At least a little. Namjoon still disappears to go on his walks, you still start the kettle the second his whistles drift up to the apartment. He still asks you a million questions, but they're more normal now. Your favorite music, color, what you wished you'd done with your life, if you've been able to corporealize again recently, what you wanted to watch that night.

"Come on, Casper," Namjoon groans. "I promise you can do it." You huff and he smiles, clearly having heard it. You're tempted to just disappear somewhere, rattle some pipes in the bathroom or the kitchen so he thinks you're in there and leaves you alone, but he smiles at you again and you're weak for that dimple.

You grip the watering can again, doing your best to lift it and manipulate it the way you need to. It's heavy, and something about the metal makes your skin itch, but the more you struggle the more you're able to pour the slightest bit of water where RJ - a giant plant that you don't even know the name of - sits in the corner of the room across from Namjoon's bed. It's the twentieth-something time you've tried this today, and you're ten seconds from just giving up completely, but you can tell this is important to Namjoon.

He's been talking all week, between the late nights where you lay over his blanket-wrapped form and the mornings where he ducks out with a soft goodbye. He's told you everything about his plants that you think he possibly could, teaching you about them and showing you how to care for them. It's interesting, you won't lie, and it's always fun to see him light up when you recall something he's told you, but you're exhausted and every part of you is shaky, and you're more than a little worried of what might happen if you push too far again.

Still, Joon hasn't looked great lately, like he might be getting the flu, and you want to be able to help him with all the things he does in the house. You've already started doing the dishes and folding laundry, since those were the two things he was the absolute worst at, but you feel like you should be doing more.

"Good job, baby, I'm proud of you!" You grunt and let the watering can fall back to the ground with a loud thump that almost definitely has the downstairs neighbors cursing Namjoon's name. "See, and now we're done for the day! C'mon, we can put on Sens8 and cuddle."

He's on the couch before you can stop him, wrapping himself in blankets except for one lone hand that sticks out, expectant. You roll your eyes and sit beside him, close enough that if you had a body you would be cuddling instead of just sitting awkwardly beside him.

You know that this is just going to make your hand all pink and gross, right?

He just smiles when the board flips around to reveal itself and wiggles his fingers. "It's worth it," He says. "I'd rather be pink and gross than never get to hold your hand at all."

You can't even feel my hand, Joon, there's literally no point to this. He huffs and wraps his hand around the marker in your hand, shivering at the chill that runs through him when he does. He grins and gestures down to where the tips of his fingers are already turning red.

"Clearly I can feel it, Casper."

You're glad he can't see you, that you don't have a heart that beats or blood that runs, because if you did, your face would no doubt be red. You have no doubts that Namjoon would tease you about it.

He's quiet as you both watch the show; he makes the odd comment here or there, but his mood seems to have calmed some. When he first got back from whatever place he visited that day, he'd been anxious and jumpy and entirely too on edge.

"Hey, Casper?" He asks quietly. You slide a hand against his cheek to let him know you're there, and he leans into the chill again. "What do you think about me?"

You don't move for several seconds, hand still poised around his cheek.

"Like, your feelings. What are they? Will you tell me?" You knock once on the wall behind the couch. Your hand stays poised over your board for long enough that Namjoon starts to get a little restless. Words refuse to come to you. Every time you start to think you have a way to describe to him what he means to you, they disappear as quick as fog on a summer's afternoon. Frustrated, you let the board fall to the couch and scrawl a quick 'hold on' so he knows you aren't just ignoring him.

It's been weeks since you've seen what you're looking for, your cookie sheet with the word magnets having been basically forgotten in lieu of the more personal and convenient dry-erase board, but right now you know that if words won't come to you, you'll have to go to them.

You finally find it, shoved under several encyclopedias and magazines, and the noise you make is so triumphant that even Namjoon hears it. You curl back up beside him, careful to make sure the blanket is wrapped tight around him, and make sure he can see the words as you move them. It still takes a long time, constantly changing and rearranging and stacking to make sure it conveys the things you need it to convey.

You are like music. A symphony of summer days and peach skies with soft rain. You are a storm in the moonlight. I'm not lonely when I have you pouring around me. You make me feel alive again.

Namjoon is silent for a long time, and you wonder if you've gone too far. It's more poetic than you'd like, too frilly and fancy and emotional than you usually are, but they're the only words you have.

After too long, he exhales. It's heavy and deep and it feels like he's trying to expel more than just air from his body.

"You make me feel alive, too," is all he says, whispered into the softness of his blanket in a voice too small for his long limbs. He shivers, and you hear him choke down a cough, and then he disappears into the bathroom for a long time. When he comes back out, he doesn't say anything, just slides into the mass of blankets on his bed and lays his arm out across the mattress. You spread out across from him, watching the rise and fall of his chest as he looks through you and out the window where the rain is letting up.

"Looks like the rainy season is gonna last longer than everyone thought." You slide your hands around one of his large ones and just hold them like that. His eyes sink closed and something like relief stands on his face for a moment before it's gone, swept away by the peace of sleep.

You wonder what it is that he sees when he looks out the window. If it's the plain brick wall and windows of the building next door, or something more.

You aren't sure you want to know.

Namjoon's flu only seems to get worse. He leaves early in the mornings, as if he thinks you might not notice the way he coughs into his scarf just because the sun hasn't risen fully yet. He stays gone most of the days, and even when he apologizes quietly during the twilight when he slinks back in to the sound of the kettle screeching on the stove and his tea already waiting to be steeped, he still doesn't stop.

You've taken to playing blues while he's gone, mostly the old school stuff, digging out the vintage record player he has buried in the closet and setting it up on the coffee table. It’s the only technology you can use without shorting it out. You don’t know why, but it makes you grateful the record collection Namjoon keeps tucked away inside the coffee table that you’ve learned is in fact an actual steamer trunk that he salvaged and restored himself.

The music fills the apartment, distracts you from the oppressive weight of his absence. He knows you wait at the window for him, you told him that back when the two of you were first getting to know each other.

You're so fragile, you had told him. He had laughed at you, quiet and fond, and waited for you to explain further. You're so full of life and breath and possibility, and the world is so big and so dangerous. I'm scared you won't come back.

"Of course I'm going to come back," he told you. You didn't even need to tell him that you're afraid of what being alone might do to you, now that you're so used to his presence. You're being heard again, sometimes even seen, and you don't know if you can go back to the stagnant depression of solitude. "I'll always come back to you."

That was the first time you thought you might love Namjoon. The feeling has only gotten stronger, and now that you wait at the window with your eyes focused on that tiny section of sidewalk you can see at the end of the alley, it threatens to consume you whole.

You wait at the window for hours. You know because you glance at the clock every minute and a half, mocking you with every tick as it hangs limply on the bathroom door. The sun sinks below the horizon, the moon rises to take its place, and they switch again while you wait. The dawn paints the sky in beautiful shades of pink and red and orange and the faintest purple, but you can't appreciate any of it, because you're too anxious.

He could be hurt. He could be gone, and you wouldn't ever know until his friends came to pack his things. He could have left, too; maybe he finally decided that living with a ghost was just too much for him and just ran. Maybe he figured out that you love him, that you would move heaven and earth if it meant he was safe forever if only you could leave this apartment, and it was too much for him.

What if he knows about how you lay beside him every night? How you tuck the blankets tighter around him, cover him in warmth and comfort before settling on top of them and closing your eyes and pretending that you can feel his arm draped over your waist and his breath on the back of your neck. What if he felt you, that night you wandered into the bathroom while he was showering to write on the steam-covered mirror that he needs to buy more eggs soon and got distracted by the way he looked stepping out of the shower? What if he knows your stomach flipped at the long limbs and the hidden muscles and the sheer size of him? What if he knows the real reason you were quiet that night, the way you kept replaying the moment in your mind and wishing you had a body so you could have just touched him, at least.

It's closer to noon than midnight when his whistle echoes up through the window.

"Hey, I'm home," He calls as he enters the empty apartment. You're upset, but you're more filled with relief than anything because at least he's safe and he's here now. He makes a beeline for where the kettle is just starting to whistle, already reaching for the honey and the tea you set out on the counter for him, and you do your best to calm the storm of emotions inside you.

Did you have fun, wherever you were? You ask him, floating the whiteboard in front of his face so he has to acknowledge it.

"Yeah, I did," he responds as he stirs his tea. "Jin invited everyone over for some end of summer thing. I didn't feel too great at the end of it, so I just spent the night there."

Don't party too hard, you might remember how to have fun, you joke. It falls a little flat based on the grim smile Namjoon gives you. Are they gonna come over here again anytime soon? I've missed scaring Hoseok.

He lets out a real laugh at that. "I don't know, maybe. My birthday's coming up, after Jeongguk's, so they could definitely be planning something. I'm heading over to Yoongi's later to help plan for Guk's party. I might stay there tonight, so try not to worry, Casper."

I'll try, you tell him. You both know you'll stand at the window every second he's gone, but you don't want to tell him why. You don't want to tell him that you love him through a dry erase board, or some fancy poetry magnets. It doesn't matter that you may as well have already said so by telling him that he makes you feel alive again; you haven't said the words to him, he hasn't seen 'I love you' in the messy scrawl that is your handwriting on some stupid board, and therefore he doesn't know.

You don't know if you want him to.

He stays gone that night, as he said he might, and reappears the next day to shower and change before he vanishes again. The next time he shows up, he takes a bag with him when he leaves, which only worsens your fears. He stays gone for three days this time, doesn't apologize when he turns up again and just mumbles a soft hello into the air before he makes tea and sags into his couch. He's asleep in seconds, and as much as you want to scream at him, you can't bring yourself to disrupt how peaceful he looks.

When he wakes, he takes a shower and ignores the ' can we talk ' you scrawled in the steam. He packs a bag of fresh clothes and doesn't say goodbye when he leaves, just disappears and leaves you standing at the window with the pail in your hand, caring for the plants he isn't. The slam of the door sounds like nails in a coffin and breaks what little was left of your soul.

He shows back up nearly a week later, and the relief at seeing him again is overridden by the sheer anger at being left in the first place. You don't start the kettle when you hear his whistle, the quiet and hoarse tune of a familiar song barely reaching the window, but there's plenty of noise when he enters.

The cabinet doors are quaking with your fury, the lights flicker and threaten to burst, and Namjoon just leans back against the door. He’s soaked from the storm thundering outside, even his jacket plastered to his skin, and he’s shivering slightly, but you can’t see anything past the rage.

"Where the fuck were you?" You demand; there's no point, it's not like he can hear you, but the way he sighs makes you feel like he can, so you continue anyway. "It's been almost a week, you didn't even think to stop by for ten seconds so I know you're okay? I thought you were dead somewhere, you could've been, like, shot, or something, I don't know, just bleeding out in some ditch, and I wouldn't know! And what about all the plants? I know how to take care of them, sure, but do you know how hard it is for me to do it?"

Namjoon sighs again, the breath catching in his throat and coming out in a cough, but you don't pay much attention to it.

"Why would you act like this, Namjoon? What did I do, is it because of the things I said? Do you not want me to feel like this about you? Because this a damn good way of making sure I don't, I assure you, so by all means, just keep disappearing and leave me alone with the plants you decided to rescue and save!"

His cough gets worse and he just shakes his head, covering his mouth and making his way towards the bathroom.

"If you want me to hate you, it's too fucking late, Joon!" The slam of the bathroom door punctuates your sentence, and you quiet at the sound of continued coughing. You knew his flu was getting worse, but it's never sounded like that. Even when you were alive, you knew that the wet sound that's muffled by the bathroom door isn't what a cough should sound like. The lock of the door clicks, and it shocks you into movement because he's never - never - locked you out of anywhere. He knows it wouldn't stop you, knows it as well as you know that you'd respect that boundary if he set it, and yet here he is, locking you out even as he coughs up what sounds like a lung in the other room.

You hesitate at the door, torn between respecting his boundaries and knowing what’s happening. You want him to trust you, always, and yet you find your hand disappearing through the door before you can stop it. You stand like that for a long moment, just listening to the sounds of his wracking coughs; the sound of a crash echoes through the apartment, though, and you’re through the door completely in the span of a heartbeat. 

Nearly everything that had been on the counter is scattered on the ground, Namjoon himself gripping the sides of the toilet as if he would fall apart otherwise. A single glance tells you that the crash happened as he turned from the sink to the toilet, and if his jolting shoulders didn’t tell you why, the sounds of his retching would. That isn’t what fills you with dread though; the disorientation, the vomiting, all of it comes with being sick sometimes, but the red staining the bathroom sink? 

That’s not normal, and you know with every part of you that it’s the reason he’s been gone so much. 

The temperature in the apartment drops with the sun, but your arms surround Namjoon as best they can. Goosebumps break out on his arms, shivers run down his back, but you don’t move away from him; he doesn’t say anything, just sits there with his forehead pressed against the cool of the porcelain. He stands eventually, ignores the way he passes completely through your body to rinse the sink and brush his teeth. 

You let him stay quiet until you’re both on his bed; you’re pressed up against his side and running your hands along his forearms, idly wondering if you would be able to feel his heartbeat if you were alive. 

“It’s not...it’s not gonna get better,” He says eventually. “There’s not a cure, just some things to draw it out and give me a little bit longer even if they come with more pain. I go once a week to see if it’s gotten worse, check how much longer I have. It’s why Hobi let me move in here rent-free. He pays the bills, says it’s the least he can do. I wanted to be closer to him anyway, so that’s a bonus, I guess.”

“I’m so sorry, Joon,” you whisper. Your board lies forgotten, somewhere on the couch maybe, you aren’t sure and can’t be bothered to pull yourself away from him long enough to find it. You don’t need it right now, though; he knows what you mean by the way the cold presses against his bicep with your palm. 

“I didn’t want you to know.” You’re not exactly surprised at that; you’d figured as much. You just don’t understand his reasoning. “I didn’t want you worrying about me, or anything like that, like the guys do. They always look at me and it’s all they can see. Like they’re already mourning me, even though I’m still here. I didn’t want to feel like that with you.” 

“I know,” you say. You don’t, not really. Your own death was sudden, a shock to everyone you knew; you didn’t get the luxury of saying goodbye, didn’t have the burden of knowing you would be gone soon. 

The two of you sit in silence for a while, until you can feel Namjoon’s chest quivering under your palm. When you look up, he looks at you, really and truly at you , and he has tears in his eyes. 

“I don’t want to die, Casper,” He whispers. You suck in a breath because he can see you, and you don’t even know why, but you don’t want to lose this moment. “I don’t want to leave all of this behind. I don’t want to leave you.” 

“It’ll be okay,” you say softly. His brow furrows and a tear slides down his cheek. “I promise you it will be okay, Namjoon. It gets easier, and people remember but they aren’t stuck forever. And I…” You falter, and it takes his eyes meeting yours to make you realize he can hear you. And there’s only one thing you’ve ever needed him to hear. 

“I love you,” You tell him. “I love you, and I will never forget you.” 

He surges forward, lips meeting yours in a rush of air. You moan at the feeling of him against you, realizing that for the first time since you died, you can feel something under your fingers. His skin is warm against your fingers, his lips soft against your own, and when he reaches up to cup your jaw with his hand, he doesn’t pass through your form. Instead his hand settles heavy against you, and he moves your head to lick into your mouth. 

Tears that won’t fall prickle at the back of your eyes and you climb into his lap before he can stop you. He’s still crying so you wipe away the tears before they can fall, pressing soft kisses to his cheeks, his dimples, his nose, every bit you can reach. A question sits at the back of your mind, and you can see it lingering in his eyes, but neither of you asks it.

“You’re so cold.” His whisper is nearly lost amidst the thunder that shakes the apartment, but it makes you smile a little. 

“Warm me up?” 

His chest is still quivering with unspoken sobs, but he nods. “Always,” he tells you. “I’m always going to be here.” It doesn’t take long to pry him out of his clothes, takes even less time for him to sink into you. It feels just like it did when you were alive, only magnified; you can feel him hot and warm inside you, can feel the beat of his heart in the firm muscle under your hands. His moans are quiet and hoarse but you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

He keeps one hand on your waist and the other on your neck, holding you close enough that he can kiss whenever he wants. “You’re beautiful,” He whispers. “The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” You just press another kiss to his chapped lips and let him dig his fingers in hard enough that it would bruise if it could. When he’s close to his peak, he stops thrusting, just sits inside you as he grinds your hips down to his, and presses his forehead against yours. 

“I love you,” He tells you, lightning casting his shadow across the wall for a brief moment. “I love you, I do, I wish-”

“I know,” you tell him before he can continue. “I know, Namjoon, I know, and I do, too. I love you, too.” He comes a few seconds later, the warm seed soaking into his sheets because it has nowhere to go. His warmth disappears from under your hands and his arms fall to his lap when the only thing holding them up is gone. All you can hear is your quiet sobs mixed with his and the rain against the window, and for the first time since you came back, you really, truly, wish you had died. There’s no point in being a ghost when you can still feel your heart breaking in your chest. 

“Casper, are you ever scared?” 

It’s the middle of the afternoon. Namjoon is sprawled across the couch wrapped in blankets while Lucifer plays in the background and you doodle aimlessly on your board. You don’t need it as often now; you’ve gotten better at focusing your energy into being heard, though being corporeal still eludes you. You don’t know how you did it that night, but you’re grateful for it. 

“Of what?” You ask, looking towards him. He’s not looking at you or watching the show, just staring at the ceiling. He focuses at your words, lifts himself up into a sitting position. A shiver runs through him when his legs move through you, and you settle a weightless hand against his knee out of habit. 

“I don’t know,” He replies. “Just...whatever comes next. If there’s something that comes next. Being forgotten. Being stuck here forever.” 

You aren’t stupid; you know why he’s asking. The question lingers in the air, colors all of your conversations now, but the truth is that neither of you has the strength to ask it and neither of you knows the answer. 

“Sometimes,” You tell him. “Sometimes I wonder what Jihyo is doing, if she ever had a baby like she wanted to. I wonder if my parents are still alive, and what they say if they visit my grave, what they tell me now that I can’t respond to them.” 

Namjoon nods like he’s already thought of that, and he probably has. 

“Most of the time I try not to focus on it, though. It’s not helpful, it only upsets me, and I don’t…” You trail off, unsure of how to word your thoughts. “I don’t know what might happen if I only focus on the negative. I don’t know anything about what’s true about ghosts and what isn’t beyond that I exist now, and I can’t risk becoming something bad. So I try not to focus on it. It’s easier when you’re here.”

He grins and blows a kiss in your general direction, and you pretend not to notice the blood on his cracked lips. He’s quiet for the rest of the episode of half of another. 

“Have you ever seen a light?” 

“What?” He doesn’t seem to hear you, and you repeat your question on your board for him. 

“A light,” He echoes. “Like, the light.Y’know, the light at the end of the tunnel, ‘don’t go into the light,’ that thing.” 

You hesitate at that. You knew what he meant, what he actually wants to know here. He’s easier to read now than he was in the beginning. 

You watch him as he watches the space where you sit, curled up beside him on his couch. He can’t see you, of course, but he can see where the board rests in your hands. His gaze is heavier than it was when he first moved in; his cheeks are hollower, skin more gaunt with a grey tint that’s only made worse by the constant rain. The sun is just starting to break through the clouds, a brief reprieve after weeks of the dreary stone-colored clouds. It casts shadows along the walls, reflects off something in the window across the alley, and backlights Namjoon beautifully, casts a halo of light around the brittle brown hair you love. 

Once, you tell him. Just once.

“Why didn’t you go to it?” 

There are so many things you could tell him, so many different ways to answer such a simple question, but you find yourself lingering on the one thing you know is the ultimate truth. 

Because I love you.

September comes with even more rain and a bittersweet atmosphere. Jeongguk spends his birthday at Namjoon’s apartment and then comes back a little over a week later, surrounded by the other guys and carrying enough food to last a few months. You stay curled on the bed, one of the only safe places for you to not mess with anyone or anything. Your board is tucked into the blankets, ready to be used but hidden from view just in case. You watch as Namjoon sits on the couch, tucked between Taehyung and Yoongi with both of them leaning into him as much as possible, Yoongi’s hands wrapped in one of his and Tae’s head on his shoulder. 

The other’s aren’t far, leaning against the back of the couch and on beanbags they’d brought with them, all laughing as Hoseok does his best to act out whatever he’d been given in charades. He’s not bad at it - you’ve guessed the last few he’s done - but he is utterly ridiculous in his mannerisms. You know why; it’s the same reason everyone kept smiling when Namjoon refused all of the food he was offered, why Seokjin would crack a terrible joke whenever it got too quiet for too long, why everyone is resolutely ignoring the growing pile of tissues on the table. 

It keeps a smile on Namjoon’s face, though, and a laugh in his eyes, and you can’t ever be anything but grateful for that. 

Hoseok stumbles, nearly falling and whirling his arms to catch himself before eventually falling anyway. You laugh along with the others, grinning at the way Hobi pouts and rubs at his hip. You’re focused on the way Joon laughs, the way it lights up his face and brightens the entire room, which is why you see it first. 

The tickle at the back of his throat quickly becomes a cough, wet and wheezing and enough to make him throw the blankets from his lap and stumble to the bathroom. 

You’re there before he is, helping him slide the door closed and locking it behind him as he bends over the toilet again. The six of them are quiet in the main room, speaking in hushed whispers that neither you nor Namjoon wants to hear. You turn the knob on the sink, wetting a towel while you drown out the sound of voices, and letting a hand run over Namjoon’s back. 

“I’m okay,” he mutters. You ignore the way his voice shakes, the way his lips are redder than before, the way this happens more often than before. Instead, you just press the damp rag to his neck and watch his eyes close in relief. When he stands and flushes the evidence away, you already have his toothbrush ready and waiting, and you stay as close to him as you can until he takes a deep breath. 

“I’m okay,” He repeats. “I’m okay. It’s my birthday, and I’m okay.” 

He goes back out with a smile on his face and a laugh in his voice, teasing Hoseok about the way he fell and reenacting it, even. When he settles on the couch, he urges the others to continue the game. There’s a brief moment of hesitation before Jimin declares that he’s next and pulls something from the bowl on the table. 

You know you aren’t the only one that notices the way Namjoon’s eyes linger on the six men around him, but you are the only one that notices the way they also linger on his steamer trunk, the shelf with his books, the TV, the record player, the scrapbook of his life that they all worked on and Taehyung pieced together over the months, the plants on the wall that he had cared for. He looks around his apartment as if he’s looking at it for the last time. 

As if he’s already planning who’s going to get what. 

He finally asks the question you both have been thinking about, nearly two months later. His breathing comes in ragged pants, his lips stay chapped, and he keeps several blankets around him at all times to try to hide the shaking of his body. Your soft sobs echo through the apartment constantly; while you reheat the tea he doesn’t drink for the millionth time, while you quietly water and prune the plants he’s saved from death the way you wish you could save him, while you sit curled around him as he sleeps, soothing his coughs with quiet whispers. 

Night has just begun to fall, the rain of the day turning into a soft drizzle, and you stare at him blankly, unsure how to process what you’ve just heard. 

“Do you think I’ll come back?” He asks again, slightly louder. As if you hadn’t heard his shaky voice the first time. It’s not the question that floors you. You’ve been expecting this for weeks, months even. You’ve wondered it yourself as you prepare tea and ignore the sounds of him vomiting blood in the bathroom, as he disappears to the hospital and returns with a worse prognosis than before, as you’ve adjusted to the idea that you are dead and he is dying and you cannot do anything to help him. 

You never would have expected the hope that his words carry though. 

“Why does it sound like you want to?” You ask. Your voice is clear in the air and you’re glad for it, because this isn’t something you want to talk about through your board. 

“Because I do?” His response is delayed and sounds more like a question than a real answer. 

“Why?!” You demand. 

“Are you serious, Casper?” His brow is furrowed as he sits up and lets the blankets fall away to sit haphazardly off the couch. 

“Are you? Joon, why would you want to come back?”

“You’re seriously asking me that question? Why would I not? I’ve got so much I still want to do, I never thought I’d get the chance to after I got the diagnosis and now I might be able to. Why wouldn’t I want that?”

“Because it doesn’t work like that! You don’t get to just wander the world and fuck around, Joon, you’re dead.”

“Yeah, but you can still read and write and everything. I’d have all the time in the world to read the books I want to read, watch the shows I want to watch, write the music and stories and lyrics that I want to write.”

“Yeah, so long as it all stays in this apartment!” The light in the room flickers slightly with the force of your irritation. “You can’t do anything that isn’t in this room, Namjoon, you can’t use any of the electronics, you can’t read a book unless it’s here, you can’t write music unless it’s on actual paper, you can’t do anything.” 

“Yeah, and I could make that work. Why are you so upset about this? I thought you’d be happy.”

“Happy? You think I’d be happy that you’d be stuck in these four walls forever, too? Why would that make me happy?” Namjoon stands, running a hand through his hair and shaking his head. 

“Because I’d be with you! We’d be together, forever! Do you not want to be with me?”

“Of course I want to be with you, Joon, but not at the cost of you being stuck here. I don’t want that for anyone, certainly not the man I love.”

“And what if that’s what I want? What if I want to spend the rest of time with you? I’m already spending the rest of my life with you, I’m in love with you, I don’t want to leave you.”

“And I don’t want you to go, but Joon, why would I want you stuck here, too? This isn’t something fun. This isn’t anything that I enjoy.”

“Oh, so you regret it all then?”

“I didn’t say that, I just don’t want you to be stuck in a shitty studio apartment for who knows how long when you can’t fucking do half of the things you love! You wouldn’t go on walks, Namjoon, you wouldn’t go with Guk and Jimin to the movies, you wouldn’t get visits from Hobi, you wouldn’t get to shop with Taehyung or Jin, you wouldn’t get to drag Yoongi away from his thesis or celebrate with them when he finishes it! It’s not like being alive, Namjoon, you’d be dead and alone and in hell!”

“Whatever,” He mutters, shoving his arms into his coat. “Why can’t you understand for one fucking second that it wouldn’t be like that with you? I’d rather be stuck here forever than have to die in some shitty apartment and not even be able to touch the person I love.”

“Why can’t you understand that it’s still death? You’d be dead, Joon, your friends would go to your funeral and disappear from your life, and you’d be stuck staring out that window at that shitty alley for the rest of time. You don’t get it, you don’t how terrible it is to be stuck here and watch life pass you by.”

“Then why the fuck are you still here?” He asks. The door slams behind him before you can answer him, and your scream shakes everything in the room. You just barely catch one of the plants in the kitchen, a brown-potted one with ‘Shooky’ scrawled in Yoongi’s familiar handwriting, before it crashes to the ground. You return it to its place gently and huff another frustrated groan. 

You wish you could explain it better, but you know he wouldn’t get it even if you could. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be trapped between four walls and unable to do anything without massive amounts of effort. And he won’t, not unless he experiences it himself. 

You’ve already watched him wither away. You’ve watched him become thin and sallow and a shadow of the Namjoon who first moved in, and you don’t know what you would do if he came back. You wouldn’t be alone anymore, of course, and you’d have him here with you, but at what cost? Namjoon was built for cherry blossoms and sunshine and the riverside. He would hate being trapped here even more than you do.

Still, you could have been more understanding of his view. You can admit that even being stuck in a shitty apartment wasn’t so terrible when you had Namjoon there to make you laugh or watch TV or read to you. It may even get better if he turned into a ghost; maybe you could hold his hands in yours, could feel him wrap his arms around you, could press kisses to his skin again. 

You move to the window and stand there waiting. It’s not good for him to be out, even if the rain had stopped a few days ago and the forecasters promised it was the end of the downpours. He was still weak, you’d be surprised he even went anywhere to begin with but you know he likes to walk to calm himself down. 

You worry for what feels like hours. You can’t focus on anything, not the way the sun starts to set, not the sound of cars passing or the neighbor leaving. You’ve worked yourself into knots by the time you hear his whistle echo up through the streets, nearly lost in the sound of some argument in the alley below you. You catch a brief view of his coat and smile when you see that he’s got some half-dead plant tucked under an arm. There’s the briefest glimpse of what looks like a Ca scrawled onto it, and your heart jumps in your throat.

You make your way to the stove, turning the heat up slightly too high so that it’ll be ready when he comes in. The arguing outside gets louder but you pay it no mind, pulling the honey out and setting it next to his favorite mug. You’re reaching for the tea when you hear something else. It definitely sounds like Namjoon’s voice, but it’s not in the hall or at the door like usual. It’s raised, like he’s yelling at someone, like it was just a while ago when he was fighting with you. A crash startles you and before you can even reach the window to see what’s going on, there’s a deafening bang. 

You slam your fist against the window, watch the red mix with dirt, and the kettle isn't that only thing that screams. 

“I think that’s the last of it,” Jeongguk says. His voice is scratchy and quiet, but it’s deafening in the silence of the apartment. 

“Yeah,” Hoseok replies. His eyes are rimmed with red and his hands shake as he slides the last mug into a box. “Thanks for the help, Guk. I don’t, um.” He sniffles. “I don’t think I could’ve done it myself, y’know?” 

“I know,” Jeongguk agrees. They’re quiet again, adjusting the things they’ve boxed and avoiding finishing what they’re doing. 

“Oh, can you get that?” You don’t have to look to know what Hoseok is talking about. Jeongguk grunts an affirmation and makes his way over. It’s a strange feeling, having someone pass through you again for the first time since. His hands fly into the air as he tries to lift, clearly not having expected it to weigh anything. 

His reflection in the window frowns, and he tries again, tugging on the pot. 

“I can’t get it,” He says. “Do you think he glued these things down or something?” 

“No,” Hoseok replies as he wanders over as well. “He used to pick them up to re-pot them, remember? And the others came up with no problem.” 

“Well it’s stuck or something, you try.”

Hobi takes Jeongguk’s place and pulls hard at the plot, but your grip doesn’t waver. He huffs and disappears. When he returns, he’s got a butter knife in one hand that he does his best to slip under the pot. He tries hard to pry it up, so hard that you almost want to give in. You don’t though. 

The knife clatters to the floor with as much force as Hoseok can put behind it, a curse following quickly behind it. 

“Fuck it,” Hoseok says. His voice is shaky and you know he’s near tears again. “Just fuck it.” 

“But that was-”

“You can try if you want, Guk, but I just-” He chokes back a sob, shaking his head and moving to pick up the boxes he’d set down. “I just can’t, okay?” He disappears out the door in a hurry, and you wish you could follow after him. 

Jeongguk looks down at the small plant, with its painted periwinkle pot and soft leaves. He runs a quivering finger over the leaf and sniffles. He doesn’t try to lift it again, just stands and lets his tear soak into the soil.

“I wish you could come back to us,” He whispers. “We thought...we expected more time. It’s not...it’s not really fair, y’know? So if you can hear me, if you can come back to us, please do. Please.” 

He turns and leaves, the apartment door slamming behind him like the lid of a casket. Your grip on Mang loosens now that you know no one’s going to try to take it. You’d watched them pack everything else up; you’d let them take the steamer trunk full of records, the shelf full of books and movies, the collection of mugs, the soft blankets, the ratty couch, the rest of the plants he’d cared for so tenderly. 

Piece by piece they had packed Namjoon up and walked him out of the apartment, but this was the one piece they couldn’t have. This was his favorite and none of them knew how to care for it like you did, and you had to. You owed it to him. He deserved to come back to at least one familiar thing, never mind that you woke up not even a day later and it’s now been weeks. If there was one thing you wanted him to see when he got back, it was his favorite of his plants. 

The sun glares into your eyes from where it shines down on the city. It reflects off something in the window from across the alley, would be blinding if you actually had eyes. You pay it no mind, focused instead on the remains of the broken brown pot down in the alley, the way you’ve pieced them together in your head a thousand times just to trace the word Casper with your eyes. You can almost hear his voice saying it, even now.

You whip around, eyes darting through the empty space of the apartment as your hands tighten around Mang.

All that rests there is empty space, mocking in its loneliness. You remember when he moved in, remember how it felt to test the boundaries of the apartment and wish you were free. The want is still there, to leave and never think of it again, never think of him. You know better, though. You could never escape the memory of him, the way he laughed and smiled and spoke. You could never abandon Mang. Not when he said he’d always come back to you. 

You turn back to the window, cursing the sunlight with every other breath. It fades, slowly, into the black of night, before returning again, and again, and again. Days pass, each one feeling like years. Hoseok doesn’t appear to show the apartment, no one comes to collect the small periwinkle pot between your palms, and the ghost of his laugh echoes around you. 

The sun blinds you again. You don’t even know how long it’s been, just that you’ve yet to move. Light glints off whatever hangs in the window across the alley. That's when you see it, a vague reflection in the weathered glass of a dimple and a grin, and warmth surrounds you.

“I told you I’d always come back, Casper.”

[karajaynetoday]

hello pals! i was tagged in this by @redrattlers @pxrxmoore @calumrose @rebelwith0utacause! sorry it took me a little while to respond!

feel free to answer all of them or just some of them or just ignore this all together, whatever you’re comfortable with, and then tag however many people you want!

1. what was your first encounter with fanfiction?

i want to say it was probably harry potter fanfiction on mugglenet back the day... love me some draco malfoy redemption arcs in fic 

2. your favourite creation of your own of all time if you create stuff (feel free to link it)?

probably the first part of it’s not the pain they’re getting over, it’s the love - which ironically is the first ever piece of 5sos writing i posted but maybe I peaked early lmao

i also wrote a prose called all he had was a letter when I was 16, and always intended to write a novel based on these two characters i have in my head called tom and ellie... maybe one day I’ll get around to it! 

3. what vibe are you going for with your home decor (or what vibe do you wanna go for one day, if you don’t have your own place atm)?

ooooh i love this question! so i moved back in with my parents this year after 8 years out of home, so at the moment i’m very much just chilling with whatever decor was already in the spare room. when i move back out again, i’m so excited to have lots of colourful art on the walls, natural tones, cosy and warm vibes. i’m not good at looking after plants, but i like my home to be bright and cheerful and welcoming for anyone that comes to visit :)

4. first fandom you ever joined? what was it like? on what platform did it happen? 

harry potter again! on mugglenet, and listening to the mugglecast podcast every week! beyond that, i was first active in the 1D tumblr fandom which was mostly fun, i did lowkey get friendship catfished by someone though which was hella weird but oh well lmao

5. what are your sun, moon and rising signs, and do you think they make sense in relation to how you know yourself?

okay so i know ZERO about the meaning of my signs so if anyone has any thoughts pls tell me bc i am VERY curious haha

i am an aquarius sun (hello calum our birthdays are two days apart), and then my moon and my rising (is ascendent in costar the same as rising? lol) is also leo so idk what that means. i like swimming? lol

6. if you write and/or read fiction (original or fanfiction), do the tropes/plots/character types you typically seek out to read and/or write about reflect something about you as a being or how you see the world?

 i am a SUCKER for friends to lovers and there’s only one bed. or family fics. i think it reflects that i yearn for and value relationships based on love and support and comfort and trust and knowing someone so well you can tell what they’re thinking. 

7. what is the hardest obstacle you’ve had to overcome so far in life?

one time i worked in a call centre with awful bosses and aggressive customers and my anxiety became so bad that i basically had a mental breakdown and had to quit. i came home for a month or so to recover, and then i was unemployed for about 6 months-ish and spent that entire time job hunting and trying to understand and manage my anxiety. that was the biggest thing i’ve probably overcome.

my other one would be when my grandfather passed away - i love all my grandparents obvs, but he was my absolute favourite human, and he passed away almost six years ago - i miss him often and deeply. in this house we have the loungeroom chair he used to sit in and read the paper, and sometimes i do the same. 

8. what is your all time favourite song(s)?

this is FAR TOO HARD to decide sorry but if you want to listen to the pod i do lots of song recs on there haha 

9. what do you look for in a person you wanna keep in your life, be it a friend or a romantic partner or anything in between?

i look for trust, respect, and a willingness to care for someone at the same level that they care for me, if that makes sense? especially this year with moving away and then covid, i’ve learnt some valuable lessons about the people that i do want to put love and energy into having friendships with and the ones that i honestly thought would do better that haven’t. i don’t have the time anymore for negativity or fixating on friendships i’ve lost, i want to focus on the ones i have, because i love them. 

10. this is a bit of a difficult one, but have you ever had a moment of clarity, a conversation with someone that made you go “oh!”, or anything along those lines?

this is gonna sound cheesy as fuck but in july of this year i stepped into a classroom and taught a lesson for the first time, and afterwards i had this moment of clarity of like yes this absolutely is a career i want to pursure - and that feeling increases with every lesson i get to teach. so that’s really exciting and rewarding, because i basically quit a full time career at the charity of my dreams in melbourne in jan of this year and packed up my life and moved back to the country to study teaching, so it’s a nice feeling to be confident in the decision i’ve made i guess!

this was a good lil brain workout haha

i shall tag @spicycal @irwinkitten @cakesunflower @clumsyclifford @tekweela and @sexgodashton only if you fancy it, no pressure! 

hope everyone is having a lovely day! 

[muteoilydiscolour]

Year in Review

Yes I’m posting this way into January. HOWEVER, time isn’t real. I started making this post in Dec and then left it in my drafts, which is something I do pretty much every year! So let’s pretend ‘this year’ means 2020

a picture of you taken this year

This was at an fun exhibition in a huge decrepid warehouse, when things were briefly open in October

talk about movies this year

I work in a cinema so usually watch a lot of movies, but that hasn’t happened as much this year! I managed to miss out on two films because of lockdown 1 + 2 - And Then We Danced and Saint Maud, which I still really want to see!

My fav films I watched this year are The Lighthouse, Parasite, David Copperfield, My Own Private Idaho, Ema (I guess, the plot was wild but the production is great), Shirley, Sunset Boulevard and Nausicaa

talk about television this year

GUYS. It’s taken 6 years but I have nearly finished The X-Files! Or, I’ve made it to season 9. I’ve been a bit put off because I hate Doggett but Reyes is cool and there’s still a lot of fun eps! Other faves from this year: Drag Race UK, What We Do in the Shadows, Succession, I May Destroy You, Feel Good, BoJack Horseman, Schitt’s Creek, Ratched, and Pose (not from this year but I finally watch s2 and loved it!)

talk about books this year

I have literally read 3 books this year: Convenience Store Woman, Song of Solomon and The Body Keeps the Score. All good, esp the latter 2. I bought a bunch of books just before lockdown but then my brain dissolved into a fine mush. I’ve just started The Brothers Karamazov, which I’m enjoying! I didn’t realise Dostoyevsky could be funny.

talk about food this year

food is lyf

My birthday is at the end of March so I spent it essentially alone (my housemates were around but they don’t count), and I spent several hours making and icing my birthday cake.

At the beginning of lockdown I got into making myself nice breakfasts of waffles or pancakes with lots of fruit/yoghurt/honey.

Some recipe recs:

Leek, Pesto and Squash Pie (I made this with added peas/kale/veggie sausage, and mashed potato on top)

Jambalaya (I make this without chicken and use veg stock)

Spaghetti alla Puttanesca (I have only recently started to appreciate the greatness of spaghetti)

Salted Caramel Pear Cake

Carrot Cake

talk about music this year

Spotify playlist of songs I’ve enjoyed this year!

Fav albums:

Fiona Apple - Fetch the Bolt Cutters

Sufjan Stevens - The Ascension

Porridge Radio - Every Bad

Rina Sawayama - SAWAYAMA

Moses Sumney - Grae

Yves Tumor - Heaven to a Tortured Mind (this is currently on repeat!)

Perfume Genius - Set My Heart on Fire Immediately

Jessie Ware - What’s Your Pleasure

Dorian Electra - My Agenda

Having some of my favs release albums means I’ve been able to read lots of interviews with them, such as this Fiona Apple interview.

talk about art this year

I was lucky enough to do a London trip at the end of Feb (and met @angelsofashes IRL!) so I got to look at a bunch of art then, although I think just went to the White Cube Bermondsey and the Tate Modern extension which I hadn’t got round to visiting before.

OH and in the National Portrait Gallery I discovered young Charles Dickens is my doppelganger which I still find hilarious.

something that made you proud this year

I finished my Graphic Arts MA in January and got a distinction! I worked so hard on my final project so it was nice to have that recognised even though it’s essentially meaningless. I also was lucky enough to have a final show.

Other than that, proud of everyone for making it through I guess!

something that made you laugh this year

A lot of bad memes, such as:

something that made you sad this year

*Gestures at everything*

something that made you happy this year

Friends, sunshine, watching people walk their dogs

your favorite photo this year

idk, I take so many photos - but here’s a nice cat refusing to face the camera

what you learned this year

I’ve kind of learned how to use After Effects! Slowly getting better at animation

travel you did this year

I managed to do a few trips around Devon/London/Kent in Feb/Mar, which was pretty lucky. Aside from that... uhhhhhhhh

I also bought a railcard in Feb lmao, and they’re not refunding or extending them, of course

Something which caught your interest this year

I’ve been listening to podcasts all the time (as a substitute for actual company I guess!) Literally one of the few things keeping me sane. Some recs:

You’re Wrong About

Museum of the Vanishing Dog (shoutout to tumblr user @boyhood!​)

Caraboo Projects loops

talk about politics or current events this year

uhhhhhhhhh

tbh the US election was a welcome distraction, esp as it happened when I had to Covid isolate - nice for an election result to not be disastrous for once

3 goals for next year

Find somewhere to live (I’m being chucked out of my current place this summer because, mysteriously, they want to make it a student flat)

Survive/stay healthy if possible

Maybe search for that elusive 5-figure salary

talk about things you are excited for next year.

uhhhhhhhhhh

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[strawberryybird]

a handy basic compliment builder

IDK about y’all but i’ve been reading 20x the fic I was a month ago, mostly at 2am when i can’t sleep and i’m holding my phone on a 45° angle to keep the screen from turning. and because i’m reading ungodly amounts of fic after the sun sets, I forget to comment, and I like being able to comment coherent compliments. So! I made a comment builder. 

I struggle for 85 reasons in a trench coat to comment on fics - it’s something i find really hard! genuinely really hard! One of the pertinent reasons being I’m dyslexic, and I can read a fic, love it, and then read other comments and realise I’ve accidentally read a very different version of the fic than they all did. So I keep my comments short, vague in my love and specific in what i love, and overtly positive! This isn’t a rigid structure to be followed at all times! This is my own personal style, that I thought I would share! by all means, adapt it to your own style! :)

Welcome to my ‘Victoria Sponge Compliment’ method! It, like a victoria sponge cake, has 4 main parts: ‘Adjective of Positivity’, ‘Favourite Thing’, ‘Why I Liked That Thing’, and ‘Thank you’. 

(I write this to be fic-commenting specific, but replace the some of the language like ‘dialogue’ to ‘colour choice’ and you’ve got yourself a handy-dandy art compliment method too!)

1. The Cake: Adjective of Positivity: what adjective will I use to encapsulate the likely emotional roller-coaster the fic sent me on? With longfic, angst and assorted serious topics, I tend to stick to more formal adjectives, but with comedy, I end up leaning more towards informal words. but that’s a me problem. here’s a handy list:

great, amazing, brilliant, fantastic, ‘so so good’, awesome, ‘my heart can’t take it!’ excellent, ‘every second was enjoyable’, delightful, enchanting, ‘OH the Emotions! I loved it!’

The point of this isn’t to reduce the amount of love you feel, it’s really just to start off the comment in a really positive way. I’ve read some old exchanged between reader and author where the reader doesn’t actually say they Liked the fic until halfway down a comment chain! so i like to be upfront with my love! 

2. The Jam: A Favourite Thing: character/quote/scene/emotion provoked

You liked all of it? absolutely say so in as many iterations as you please! You liked a couple of things really strongly? Pick them out and say so! the author probably loved writing them!

Maybe it’s a poignant quote that made you stand up and walk around the house before opening back up the fic? the way Ferdinand’s speech was phrased just so perfectly? the way the mutual pining unraveled like string? the part where you laughed harder than you have all day? The hilarious 2 lines of dialogue you’ve been repeating to yourself for the last week?

i like to just pick the one thing at first, quantify it, and compliment it. that leads the way to add More Awesome Things i liked in the fic!!

3. The Cream: say WHY you liked it!!

now this is the part I struggle with most! because there’s so much to say! So I go as specific as I can:  Rather than comment on Everything in the fic, I say why I liked The Jam^ above. Pick the one thing, and go from there.

Maybe it fell completely in line with how you see Ferdinand’s character, and you loved seeing your interpretation corroborated in the author’s work? Maybe the mutual pining made it really entertaining? Maybe it shone new light on characters for you, and now you love them dearly? Maybe the humour was top notch and you laughed the most you have in a week, or maybe the angst was exactly what you needed to read that day?

Maybe the descriptions of the settings were so visceral? Maybe you loved the detail, it made it feel so real? Maybe you discovered a new format, or structure, and you loved how unique it was? Maybe you liked the references to classical works? Maybe you loved the humourous narrative voice? 

Was the yearning tangible? Did your heart skip a metaphorical beat? Did you shed a tear? Was it cathartic? Did it bring you joy? Did it brighten your day? Did you accidentally spend your evening reading the whole thing, and now suddenly it’s 3am and you didn’t mean to cry about fictional people, but here you are?? (a mood), those emotions it made you feel – that’s worth saying!

My approach to this part tends to end up being about ‘This made me Feel Emotions and i Loved that.’ and that’s fine! 

4. Cake Again: say thank you!! :)

‘Thank you for sharing your work’, ‘i’m so glad i got to read this today’, ‘this was so much fun to read, thank you!’, ‘thank you so so much op!!’, ‘brilliant way to spend my afternoon!’ ‘your work brightened my day!’ ‘this made me so happy to read! thank you!’

you can indeed add a note about future work! I tend to favour things like: ‘thank you for all the work so far, looking forward to seeing what happens next!’, “i’m so invested in this fic lmao, see you in the next chapter!’ or something else if the author doesn’t explicitly say ‘don’t ask me for updates’. I want to be extra-polite about it, and emphasis how much I liked the work that exists already!

But this doesn’t include con-crit, or have any space to give negative or constructive feedback! why? Now that’s a whole separate post. In brief, I don’t like to give con-crit when it isn’t explicitly asked for. there’s many posts out there debating this exact thing, and this isn’t a post about that. this is for building simple, basic compliments. You’ll also notice that it’s all positive feedback. That’s because I don’t comment on fic I don’t like.. that’s not exactly the energy I want to have in the world. use this victoria sponge metaphor for good, ya know?

You’ll notice this is incredibly basic, and something more akin to the essay paragraph structure my teachers spent 3 years battling to get me to write with. That’s both correct and intentional. This is the best balance I’ve been able to strike between coming off heartfelt and genuine, and short enough that I can write and send it in less than 120 seconds before my fear and lack of energy get the better of me. There’s nothing wrong with ‘I loved this, thank you!’, but sometimes I want to brave the fear of commenting and, overall, say thank you. That’s what it all comes down to because, as a writer, someone telling me how many emotions my work gave them is an indescribably wonderful feeling. and I want to share that joy! and also I really wanted to use a cake metaphor.

Finally, if you’re unfamiliar, the Long Live Feedback project on tumblr is an Excellent resource, and I encourage everyone to poke around and have a look at the wonderful work they do! also the blog ao3commentoftheday is an excellent blog who discusses comments, commenting convention, and all round fic writing!

Happy Commenting, enjoy the cake, and thanks for reading!