#idk if I'll be financially stable enough to do so in a year and a half

[damnprecious]

one day I will throw a fancy party for which I reserve a fancy venue and a fancy catering company and create a cool playlist that's timed perfectly for the event and invite my friends and have a mcfrigging good time and don't think about how amatonormativity makes me sad

[starsstuddedsky]

Tangled in Love

vernon x reader

summary: there's nothing in the world that vernon loves more than cats. at least, that's what you think

genre: fluff, tiny bit of angst, non-idol!au, uni au, f2L, idiots to lovers, fake dating if you squint, technically university au

warnings: none!

wc: 3.8k

a/n: started this a WHILE ago and finished it like a month ago but i wanted to let it sit lol,,, may or may not have been the other option for the poll i put out and then i may or may not have forgotten to post.... anyways i am working for literally the whole summer until school starts again so i can't promise i'll be writing a whole bunch </3 so basically: enjoy bc idk when anything else will come lol (not going on official hiatus though!! just like... limbo) pls pls feel free to drop in anytime and chat!! also requests are open but again,, i'll write when i write lol

tldr: adulting sucks, i love you all, none of this has to do with the actual story lol

Vernon’s car sits in your driveway. The sight of his little red sedan evokes a strong sense of familiarity, almost as if it’s yours. It’s survived high school and his first three years of college, up till now, though the engine sometimes shakes the car a little too much and the air conditioning chooses to work less often than you would prefer. Still, the one time Vernon mentioned getting a new car, you nearly cried, so you don’t let yourself complain too much. 

He waits for you, keys in hand, as you tug on your shoes and sprint out the door with a shout of goodbye to your parents. Your shoes nearly slip off because you didn’t put them on all the way and they’re still untied when you make it to the front seat, slamming the door shut behind you and pulling on your seatbelt. 

“You didn’t have to rush,” Vernon says, barely sparing a glance at you. You do a supreme job pretending it doesn’t bother you. 

“Yeah, but my dad is watching hockey,” you say. Though it’s been years since Vernon has been to your house for a “play date,” you know the memory of your father yelling at the television as if the players can hear him isn’t one that Vernon (or anyone for that matter) can forget easily. 

“You know if you move out, you don’t have to hear them,” he says, finally glancing at you before turning his head to watch the road as he backs down the driveway. 

“If I move out, I also have to pay my bills on my own,” you say. 

“You have three job offers and you haven’t even graduated yet,” Vernon says. “Of all our friends, you are the most financially stable, so don’t you dare try that argument on me.” This debate has been going on ever since Vernon announced he was moving out; two years in the dorms on campus proved more than enough for him. 

You don’t understand why he’s so insistent about you moving out. Sure you complain about your parents occasionally but not enough to really matter, and he knows how grateful you are that they’ve let you stay in your childhood room and rarely let you pay for anything. 

So why? You set your eyes on him, with his annoyingly perfect features that you’ve known most of your life. He studies the road, indifferent to your glare and undistracted. 

That’s the Vernon you know: focused on the moment, and never noticing you. You know how pitiful you sound, pining for someone for so long who has never once spared you a second look. Still, before everything else, he’s your friend, your best friend. You won’t ruin that just because you caught feelings. 

“Why are we going an hour away again?” You ask, resting your back against the cushioned seats and turning your head to the window to watch the scenery pass by. It’s easier to avoid thinking about those feelings when you aren’t staring at him. 

“Because the people running the rescue needed a volunteer to pick up the kittens.” 

“And why am I here?” 

“So I don’t get kidnapped or murdered,” Vernon says nonchalantly. 

“How am I going to prevent you from getting kidnapped or murdered?” 

“Strength in numbers?” He takes his eyes off the road for half a second to flash a smile at you. 

You rolled your eyes, plugging your phone into the aux. “You should have asked Jihoon. Between his gym obsession and unbridled rage, the nonexistent potential kidnappers-murderers would never stand a chance.” 

“And he has good taste in music. Bump,” he says, bracing his arm in front of you as he hit a particularly large pothole. He drops his arm as soon as the car stops shaking and you ignore the urge to catch his hand in yours. 

“He does not, and you better not be implying I have bad taste!” You dig through your playlists, trying to find the Vernon-approved one. 

“I was implying but now I’ll outright say it.” 

“His playlist is just Bruno Mars and Harry Styles and one random Ariana Grande song.” You hold up the shared playlist for good measure. Vernon ignores you, refusing to take his eyes off the road. 

“Okay, not good taste, but better than yours.” 

“What is wrong with my taste in music?” 

“No comment.” 

“How have we been friends this long?” You ask. You can’t quite say it with a straight face; the idea of not having Vernon in your life is an absurdity you can’t imagine. 

“By the way, you need to give directions,” Vernon says. “I sent you the address last week.” 

You shake your head but dig through the messages to find the address, putting Jihoon’s playlist on to prove your point. Vernon pretends not to care, singing along to “Leave the Door Open,” as if he didn’t make fun of Jihoon a week ago because he played the song on repeat during his four hour shift at the cafe. 

When you’re being honest with yourself, you know you want more than riding in Vernon’s front seat and making pointless jokes. More than once, you’ve imagined what it’s like to go home with him and stay there, to wake up in his bed because you share it with him, instead of the times you drank too much and he slept on the couch (because of course Vernon is the type of person to give up his bed for his friend). Moments like that make it harder to remember that he doesn’t feel the same way. 

You were doing a great job of paying attention until the second half hour, when you got stuck in standstill traffic. In your mind, only a few minutes pass, but suddenly Vernon shakes your shoulder and your heart shoots bolts of adrenaline into your veins to wake you up. 

“We’re here,” he says softly. He holds your phone with the directions still open. The engine shakes the car; he must have literally just stopped. It takes a couple moments to remember that he drove you into the middle of nowhere to pick up some kittens to foster them (another bullet point in the ever growing list of why you love Vernon: he does absolutely insane things for what he loves. What would it be like to be the person he loves?). He stares at you for a moment and for some godforsaken reason, you think he’s going to kiss you. 

He points to the corner of your lips. “You drooled.” He laughs at your groan, turning in his seat and cutting the engine, tossing your phone into your lap. 

The door creaks when you pull on the handle but it swings open. You are extra careful when you swing it shut, being as gentle as possible. Vernon raises his eyebrows but doesn’t comment on it. You stretch until your back finally pops, jogging to catch up with Vernon who didn’t wait for you, striding up the smooth driveway. 

Warm pastel yellow greets you, a cute door that matches the array of flowers on the front porch perfectly. Vernon sneezes and presses the doorbell, stepping back to wait, shoulder pressing against yours. Even though his jean jacket and your cotton t-shirt separate you from really touching him, you feel a different sort of warm, a tingly feeling that spreads from your insides and makes you feel giddy. 

After a couple minutes, the door opens, revealing a smiling woman and a child that can’t be more than five clinging to her leg. “You must be the fosters! Sorry, it’s a little hectic today, but come on in!” She ushers you in, picking up the child. 

Some psychopath. You glance at Vernon but he turns his back on you, following the woman down the hall to a closed door. Whatever, it’s not like he needs to see you to know the jokes you make. 

“We’ve been keeping them away from the rest of the house since it gets so chaotic,” she says. “I’d love to keep them but we’ve got two toddlers and a hyperactive dog.” She sounds genuinely regretful, which you understand as soon as you step over the baby gate and into the room. It looks like it was a spare bedroom (you can’t help but think it’s for the children when they get too big to share a room), but the bed has been stripped and there isn’t any other furniture. In the middle of the room, in a nest of blankets, a grown cat sits and licks tiny balls of fur that mewl softly in protest. The black cat pauses in her grooming, studying you and Vernon while the woman and her child watch from the door. 

“Do you want to tell the lovely couple what we named them?” She asks the child. 

You freeze. Did she just call you a couple? “We’re not–” Vernon stops you with a hand on your arm, sitting cross legged on the ground and facing the woman and her child. 

“The momma is Pinky,” the child mumbles, barely audible. “‘Cause she has really pink feet.” 

You smile at her, though you’re still reeling from Vernon’s hand, which slips from your arm to interlace his fingers with yours. “Did you name her?” 

The child grins. “Yeah! But my brother named the babies.” She pouts. 

“I think Pinky is a great name,” you say. Vernon grunts in agreement. Pinky stands and wanders slowly toward Vernon’s hand (the one not holding yours), which he holds outstretched while looking away. Looking at you. You get to see the exact moment Pinky brushes her head against his fingers, watch the corners of his mouth creep up in satisfaction, watch his eyes slip away from yours as he strokes her head. She lets off a low rumble as she purrs, brushing her whole body against his foot before leaving him to study you. 

You’ve never thought of yourself as a cat-person or a dog-person (you love them all the same), but a life-time as Vernon’s best friend (and an abundance of cat cafes) have trained you in how to get cat’s to befriend you. You let Pinky move however she wants, hyper aware of Vernon’s hand squeezing yours once before letting go. 

He shifts to look at the kittens, earning a wary glance from Pinky. She watches him for a moment before turning back to you, brushing against your hand and eventually turning her back on you, purring like the engine of Vernon’s car the entire time. 

“What’s this one called?” Vernon asks, pointing to the orange colored kitten. 

“That’s Muffin, Momma named her,” the child explains. She stands at the baby gate alone, her mother off somewhere getting all of their supplies so that you and Vernon can leave with them. Her little fingers curl around the metal. “The black one is Fried and the white one is Egg. That’s what my brother named them.” 

Vernon nods, smiling over the tiny kittens. Pinky finally decides she doesn’t want him quite so close, leaving your side to place herself between him and the kittens. He laughs, sliding back to sit next to you. 

“There’s no way you don’t end up adopting at least one of them,” you whisper. 

“I have self-control.” 

“Wanna bet?” 

Vernon turns to look at you except he’s much too close, nose just barely brushing against yours. It takes all of your willpower not to glance at his lips, infinitely harder when you realize you can feel his breath on your lips. Would he kiss you back? You push that fantasy away immediately: it’s Vernon. He’d push you away and call you weird, or do that judgy-eyebrow-wiggle-thing that he reserves only for special occasions (most recently used when Soonyoung was talking about a hookup gone wrong). You’ve always been the one he looks at when someone does something weird; what would he do if it was you being weird? Your stomach turns, the butterflies eating each other alive. You can’t do that to him, no matter how perfect his lips are. 

You jump at the sound of someone clearing their throat. You turn back to the door to see the woman holding a cat carrier doing her best not to smile. 

“Not trying to rush you two, but the sooner they settle into a nice loving home, the better,” she says, winking at ‘loving.’ You really should correct her. Actually, Vernon should correct her. He always does, the very few times that you have been mistaken as a couple. He never hesitates, so why isn’t he doing it now? Does he really not realize what she’s implying? 

He stands up, turning to face you and extending his hands to pull you up. You roll your eyes but take them anyway, ignoring the way your heart sinks when he lets go this time. He takes the carrier and gently picks up the kittens, blankets and all, and tucks them inside. Pinky follows immediately after, as if she couldn’t bear to be away from her children for more than a second. 

“I have a box ready by the door with their food, and toys, and other supplies, and I know you said you have a litter box and you’re ready, but I just wanted to make sure that they settle in nice, and I added a blanket in case they’re homesick, and–” She pauses, peering at the dark holes of the carrier as if she can see the little kittens inside. She takes a deep breath, picking up her child again, stepping to the side so that you and Vernon can leave the room. “I know you two will take good care of them, I do, I just– I’m going to miss them.” 

“Me too,” her child says, clinging to her mother’s neck. 

The woman smiles. “But we said our goodbyes already, and they’re going to be so happy with these two, right?” 

“Of course,” you say when Vernon doesn’t answer. “He’s been obsessed with cats since he was smaller than you!” You wink at the child, who giggles. 

You pick up the box at the door, grunting at the heaviness. 

“We can switch,” Vernon says softly but you shake your head. 

“It’s just to the car, it’s fine.” Vernon looks like he’s going to argue more, but finally he steps onto the front porch, moving as gently as possible, trying to disturb the precious cargo as little as possible. 

“Thank you so much again,” the woman says, setting her child down. “We really do wish we could keep them, but it makes me happy knowing that someone capable will be taking care of them, especially an adorable couple like the two of you. Do keep me updated on their adoptions.” 

You force a smile and choke out a “thank you,” following Vernon mindlessly down the driveway after she closes the door.

Adorable couple, were her exact words and Vernon said nothing. Why? The word hangs on your tongue, threatening to spill out if you so much as open your mouth. You watch as Vernon sets the carrier in the backseat, then takes the box out of your arms and places it on the floor. You force yourself to move to the passenger side when he raises his eyebrows at you, but once you’re sitting down and the seatbelt is across your chest, you’re frozen again. 

Vernon takes your phone when you don’t move, putting in your passcode (the sum of his birthday and yours). He pulls up his own playlist, a collection of hyperpop and indie artists that you normally enjoy listening to. Today it takes all your concentration not to burst. 

You almost make it the whole drive, all the way to his block, the apartment building he’s spent the last year and a half in that’s become far too familiar to you. How much time have you wasted away on the floor of his living room, drinking, doing classwork, listening to him talk about the future, rambling to him about the midnight thoughts that threaten your heart? He knows everything about you, except what you need him to know the most. 

When the question begins to burn in your heart, you can’t hold it anymore. Vernon pulls into his parking spot and it falls from your lips before you realize it. “Why?” 

He has the audacity to feign ignorance, blinking at you before finally asking, “Why what?” 

“Why did you let her think we are a couple?” 

One of the kittens mewls in the silence, a soft cry for help, sounding pitifully like your own heart. 

Vernon stares ahead of him at the concrete wall, the fading red number 19 that designates this spot as his. Just say something, your heart begs him. Stop giving me hope where there is none. His shoulders rise in the tiniest shrug. “I guess I was just curious.” 

“Of what?” 

He swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. He glances at you, just once. “What it would be like.” He sighs. “This really isn’t the time for this conversation.” 

Your grip on the door handle is so tight your knuckles are white. So desperately, you want to believe he’s trying to say what you think he’s saying but you refuse to give yourself hope unless it’s real. “What conversation?” 

“Okay, for the record, I did think this through,” he says, “a lot. Like, for months. This isn’t coming out of nowhere, I really did try to figure out if it’s just a passing thing because the last thing I want is for things between us to be weird because you’re my best friend and I tried to imagine my life without you and that was worse than anything, so I decided I wouldn’t ruin anything except I can’t stop thinking about–”

“Vernon.” 

He pauses, turning to face you again and this time he doesn’t look away. You’ve never felt self-conscious under his gaze, not when he’s seen every awkward stage of your life and stuck with you anyways. His eyes have always been familiar to you, an oasis of comfort that you always find yourself drifting toward. But the longer he stares at you, the more you want to run away, hide from the heartbreak you see in his eyes. 

“I think I like you,” he says. “No. I do. Like, as in more than a friend. God, none of these words are working.” 

You stare at him. He’s saying everything you want him to say. He’s saying he likes you. Why can’t you move? 

Vernon runs a hand through his hair, and sighs. “Like I said, I don’t want to ruin things between us, you're still my best friend first. But I’m also sure about how I feel and I don’t want to keep it from you any longer. I can’t stay in this limbo of holding onto something that doesn’t exist, so, I’m really sorry.” 

“Sorry?” You repeat, frowning. “Why are you sorry?” 

“Because… I like you. And that ruins… this.” He gestures between you and him and that’s when you finally realize that he doesn’t know. 

“You dumbass,” you say, “I like you, too.” 

Vernon frowns, mouth hanging open a little, and you have to wonder if you looked this goofy when he was talking. Your heart swells when you realize you’re the reason for it. “You do?” 

“Yes,” you say, grabbing his hand. Your cheeks ache a little, and you realize that you’re smiling wider than you ever have before. You’ve never been this happy, not when you graduated high school, not when you and Vernon found out you got into the same college, not when you got a perfect score on that notoriously impossible chemistry final. “Vernon, I am an idiot that always thought you didn’t feel the way I did so I did everything I could to hide it. But I like you, I really, really do, and I’m sorry I never let it show.” There’s another word for how you feel, but you aren’t quite brave enough to use it yet, even if it’s what you really mean to say. 

Vernon leans closer, pressing his forehead against yours. “We really are dumb, huh?” 

“I can already hear Jihoon’s gloating.”

“He’s been nagging you too?” Vernon groans softly but the smile never leaves his lips. “He’s going to be insufferable.” 

You’ve grown used to silences with Vernon. Sometimes they are painful, like when he tells a joke and only you laugh. Usually they’re peaceful, comfortable silences that can only exist between two people that have nothing left to say but stay together anyways. But this silence is heavy, a weight on your shoulders pushing you to do something, move closer. You’ve known him your whole life but this is foreign territory. 

His breath kisses your lips again and this time you have the bravery to lean forward, just a little. His lips are soft, bottom lip chapped a little more than the top but it is warm and it feels like a first and thousandth at the same time, like unlocking the door to a house you know you’ll spend the rest of your life in. Your mind floats farther and farther away, in some place of impossible happiness that can’t quite believe that this is real. 

A soft cry from somewhere to your left brings you back to earth. You pull away at the same time he does, glancing at the backseat. Right. The kittens. You glance at Vernon, whose mouth is still a little open, eyes wide and flustered. It makes you want to kiss him all over again but you settle for laughing. 

“I guess we should go inside,” he says, leaning away from you though he doesn’t turn his back yet. 

“We should get them settled,” you say, glancing at the carrier again. 

Vernon nods, opening his door and grabbing the heavy box, pausing by the entrance to the building to wait for you to grab the carrier. Silence falls again as you ride the elevator up but you’re more than familiar with it. 

It doesn’t take long to settle Pinky and the kittens, not when Vernon already had a room set up for them. He figures there’s been enough stress for the day and they should get some peace and space to relax, so you stretch out on the couch, taking your usual corner. Vernon sits next to you, the inch of space separating you feeling like a mile. 

Vernon glances at you, chewing on his lip before asking, “You’ll stay?” 

“Always.” 

The grin that splits his face has you swooning all over again, so when he throws an arm over your shoulder, leaning into your side, your brain fully stops functioning. You have to will thoughts into existence, which is silly because it’s Vernon and he’s done this a million times. But when you tuck your head onto his shoulder and he kisses the top of this head, you know everything is different. And exactly how you want it. 

“You’re definitely going to adopt Fried,” you say. 

His laughter bounces you. “No way.” 

“It’s Fried or Muffin. You can’t handle their cuteness, I saw you baby talking at them.” 

“I'll stay strong.” 

“What if I want a kitten?” 

Vernon doesn’t hesitate. “Egg is pretty cute.” 

“Sucker.” 

“Only for you.” 

thank you for reading <3

[rinadragomir]

My thoughts on the couples included in Better in Black for those who care

I expect you to write down yours so work work

📍Wessa

You know, as a dedicated Jessa stan I wanna say that it's okay~ Because these two were together for 50 years or sth, there's still some things to add. We might watch them in their 30s, 50s, 60s. I guess at this point both camps have around the same amount of content. Plus I'll have Jessa in twp so I'm in peace 🌱

📍Clace

All my first thoughts are over here. I'm a Clace defender, I'm their oldest stan, I'm a veteran👩‍🦳 So I feel like I have a right to say that...it was kinda unnecessary. We've witnessed every step in their relationship so far, beginning of it in TMI, gentle transition to adulthood in TDA and Tales of Shadowhunter Academy, adulthood in SOBH and proposal. So if the story isn't about their wedding then WHAT THE HELL IS IT ABOUT REALLY? And we know that they won't get married until twp.

📍Anna & Ari (Arianna!)

Hey🥺that is nice, we've seen so little of them in chain of thorns and I've loved them since their debut in 2018 in that short story. I'm very biased when it comes to TLH, cause I'm their mother. So YAY🌱they have a long way to go, Anna still needs to change a tiny little bit for them to be healthy, so I'd love to witness it

📍Jordelia

We all have known about it, because Cassie kinda promised us their story a while ago. Wedding runes scene, honeymoon, kids, mortgage etc. Go kids, slay, serve, eat and so on, I'm excited for u!

📍Sebastian & Seelie Queen

🤨🧐🤔👁👁

Yeah... That famous Sebastian &Fanbase. Like... I'm conflicted, because it's useless and doesn't make any sense even tho it might slay. Listen up, I'll show you.

Lots of people defend it by saying that it might be important for Ash's background in TWP. But... No it's not. Because this is exclusive book made for few people who were lucky and financially stable enough to get it. It won't be posted online. So most people won't read it unless someone leaks it. So there's no point for that story to be important for the plot, therefore it has nothing to do with it.

And it's definitely not "one of the most beloved" couples. BUT LIKE... WHAT IF IT SLAYS? Toxic, unhinged romance, what if I'll love it? 🤡

📍Jemma

So you see the problem? Because it's the same as Clace. What else might she add, because there's nothing. SoBH ended like yesterday. We know exactly where they live rn, their daily routine, their plans. So there's nothing to add between SOBH and twp. What will it be about? Hard to say, but I hope Cassie will come up with sth interesting for them.

📍Thomastair (why did Cassie say Alistair instead of Alastair, I'm lost help me)

Yay🥺slay, serve, eat and leave no crumbs, go, kill it idk you're doing great boys, there's so much to add and explore because they've just started dating. I'm so excited ^-^

📍Kierartkina

That is fine. No matter what I think about their relationship, because in my point of view Cristina and Kieran fell in love because Cassie said so apparently, I still don't mind them being there. Because there's also lots of things to discuss and explore. I hope the story will be soft and warm☀they've just started their advantage so it definitely makes sense

📍Sizzy

Even though we've had lots of them in TMI and Shadowhunters Academy I still think they deserve to be here. They are famous (I guess? 👁👁) and I'd like to know more about their plans for future. Simon was still a teenager in the stories collection and now I'd love to see him as a grown man being in relationship with the woman he loves.

📍Luke & Jocelyn

👁👁🤨🧐🤔👀

Well... That was... Unexpected. I guess... I've just never met their fandom but I hope it's huge af, because I don't know why else would they be here. Sophideon, Gabrily and Charlotte with Henry were supposed to be here, let's be honest. But since they're here, I do think Cassie is able to make a decent story. I expect it to be bittersweet, angsty and somehow heartwarming. I think there's nothing to say except let's wait and find out.

OVERALL I think it's pretty fine. Maximum 7/10 from me. I was ready to face the worst, but it turned out to be... Fine. So it's fine☺🌱

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

tues jul 26th

god has today been a whirlwind. i forgot to take my medicine two days in a row again. it's 5pm and i'm at floral fetes. getting pretty hungry and i'm glad i actually can eat. i woke up at like 9am, made myself food, did yoga, made the bed. then i got to work and started to spiral. i feel so extremely in debt today. i'm going back to purchases and returning things. the pomegranate, the marc jacobs zine. rayne stop buying things. only food, only gas.

i tried to watch a film at work but my mind is just working overtime on it's looping.

i feel much saner at home. being at work reminds me how i'm idle in a way that i can't actually GO anywhere. i want to run away. i want a new life. i want opportunity. that's really what it is. i know that my stability will come when i work at a job, any job, that gets me like $60k a year. i want to get new glasses. i want to get a new front tooth. i need benefits so badly. this will completely change the quality of my life. my mom won't help me. i have no one else to depend on but me. i wish i was a nepotism baby. but, i am not not not at all.

i tried not to look at my signal chat with ado. but i did. nothing new. i want to be less on the phone but i feel so alone without it.

i don't even mind the idea of being alone. what mostly bothers me is my lack of financial stability. not only that, but i feel like i have no idea how to even begin to have stable relationships. i don't know that i've ever had one.

i struggle with having compassion for ado, in that he truly wants a friendship with me, but also such pain, that he is unwilling to be my partner all of a sudden. i don't feel like we were constantly fighting, but that he was seeing everything i said as something i didn't say. that he was resenting me for not being the way he wanted me to be.

i do feel like i learned from this. i'm just so upset that connections like this aren't common. but maybe the connection was less about connection and more about an idea.

i don't really care about guns, or anarchy. i don't think using force or violence is wrong, i just don't think i'm one to do it. socialism is the right thing. but i don't feel the need to perform politics when really everything has been so convoluted that helping barely means a thing anymore. sure, you can help people, but it has so many constraints. i don't see that i'll be any type of future vigilante.

what i want from my future is simple. i want a house that i can decorate. i want to be able to travel. i want to see the doctor when i need to. i want to have a garden. i want a bit of natural sustainability. i want a partner who hears me. i want friends who visit me and we laugh hard together. i want to worry less. i want to keep avoiding social media. i want to read. i want to make some things, without any force or to uphold someone's idea of me.

i'm struggling so much to see how a person who seemed oh so dedicated would want to completely put the brakes on. it makes me think he would rather be with his ex. that maybe she is good for him. and in a way, i don't disagree. she's also performative and likes that kind of "my body my choice" shit that doesn't really mean anything. sure, get a piercing. it doesn't do anything that special, lol. sure, get a gun, practice shooting, wait for the apocalypse. i don't even want to survive a total decline. i love life because of so many small joys, and i want everyone to be safe and happy. idk if this exists. i don't know if humanity is good. i don't feel the need to preach because i know what's in my heart. that i want to do no harm.

i think ado wants to keep me in his back pocket. that he keeps all exes in "a place" where he doesn't have to choose anyone. but maybe if he gets lonely enough, he will. i don't want to be someone's "well maybe". i think i'm too good for that. and i can be weak, but i am strong in that i don't think it's healthy for me to be in that role.

a lot of it seems to be about control. because when i broke up with him he lost it and wanted it so badly. but when he broke up, it was so matter of fact. it's just not safe territory.

i love thuraya, sufi is fine. i don't like his house, it sucks. i liked his energy, probably drawn to his erratic nature. i like a chaos friend. i don't want to be with someone who would leave their dog with their most recent ex. the complete lack of boundaries there is atrocious to me. they became friends because she came onto him. unless he lied. he probably did.

we barely like the same music. we have completely different taste in art. he has lame tattoos for the most part. most done by past lovers which is tiring.

he talked about an ex and instantly sent me a photo of her like she was part of a collection. he said he wouldn't have condom sex with me and would rather just jerk off. when i wasn't kissing him "enough" he was offended and said it seemed like i didn't like him because i wouldn't make out yet. he rushed me. i wasn't ready for a good bit of it, but he made it feel very fun. he said he only "fucks his friends", yet he had casual sex with that girl vivi? i think what he meant is that he only stays sleeping with his exes because he's found a way to seem like a good enough guy to stay around but never actually get deep into love with. he wanted to call his ex for his birthday, and text another ex who hates his guts seemingly.

[nim-lock]

when the work hits and the new not-at-all-related-to-the-work ideas hit too 

[gilmesc1]

Ok, ok, hi, here's part one of the questions, I'll put 10-15 on each one. thank you for doing thiss. 1) how do you feel about being in a system, 2) favorite thing about being in a system? 3) what do you think of the fanbase, 4) do you interact with the fanbase often? 5) what do you think of kinning? 6) any thoughts on the kind that c*t O*f a f****r? 7) ru still super lucky/unlucky? 8) have you ever met any other yous? 9) r u involved on that rp blog? 10) what's your reasoning for the hope thing

Ok, I’m really not sure how I should open this post. Well here goes nothing. Hello! Yes I’m a fictive of Nagito Komaeda, and I still go by that name, wow this is going absolutely no where, sorry, this is going to be a huge disappointment anon XD

Ok, and questions. Part one??? I mean it’ll probably take me a while to get any of these done but I’ll try.

1. Well honestly it’s one of the best things to happen to me. It’s practically impossible for me to be alone now, there’s always someone to talk to. I don’t suppose anyone particularly likes me, but that’s to be expected, I’m pretty annoying XD. Anyways, I’m lucky to be in this situation. I can think of much worse.

2. Like I said, I almost can’t find a way to be alone. Even if I don’t exactly have any friends, at least there are people.

3. Um, well...it’s nice. Yeah. I can’t lie. I don’t know how to feel about it really. I don’t really understand what I have to do with a skeleton but I guess it’s kind of funny. I’m sure that there are lots of wonderful people, and naturally some scum bags like in any community. Honestly I’m overwhelmed though. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I’m a fictive and seeing the adoration for my character...yeah it’s overwhelming. I don’t understand. I’m nothing compared to others. It’s nice, but I think anyone who praises me that much needs to get their head checked. No offense to them, they just shouldn’t waste their time on someone like me XD

4. This would be the first thing I’ve done in a while. I recently came out of a 2-3 year long dormant period and since we were in a bad place the last time I was around I didn’t really have time or the want to do much. Again, it’s a little overwhelming, and it makes me feel, well not really sick, more like I’m having a really weird dream, and I know I’m dreaming but I can’t wake up? Sorry, I do this a lot too. I still can’t ever say things like I want to even in a new body XD

5. I had to google that. And um, I’m not completely sure still? Again it’s overwhelming that there are people who identify with me. Especially since I’m really not a person who’s a good choice to like. I don’t think I have the right to judge though. I’m no more the real Komaeda than they are. Again it’s just a weird thing to see. The more I look at it, the weirder I feel, to the point where I started laughing a few times. I wouldn’t say that it was genuine laughter, I just felt so weird, and fuzzy. Guess it was too hard to contain whatever I was feeling XD

6. This took me fifteen minutes to figure out what it said. At first I thought you said cut off a fucker, and I don’t really know what that means. Did they cut them off financially? Cut them out of their life? Kill them? So vague. And then I googled it again and well. Again someone like me has no place telling anyone what to do but, um, let’s not cut off body parts?? Especially not for me?? Can we agree that I’m not exactly the most stable and that therefore people shouldn’t do that?? Reading that was one of the most surreal things. Dammit now I’m laughing again. I swear I’m not insane, maybe I’m allergic to the fanbase and it makes me break out in laughter??

7. Well, hard to say. The first time I ate after coming out of dormancy we got food poisoning. I was sitting on a chair last night and I heard a weird clink, and when I looked down I saw a screw on the ground, and thought huh, wonder what that’s for. I shifted my weight and that’s when the chair collapsed. The screw was from the chair if you couldn’t tell XD

A waitress also dumped hot coffee on me this morning. That reeeeally hurt but I got free food, so I think it was lucky.

8. No. Wow, just thinking about that makes my head hurt XD I don’t know if I want to. One of me is disappointing enough. Imagine if two of me were together.

9. No. I am a fan of it though, which is weird. Whoever writes for me does it creepily well. Anyways I do like it. It seems so hopeful, and it brings hope and gives me hope so yes it’s a very good thing. I don’t know what I’d do though. I mean, I think the mod is better at being me than I am XD Plus idk how i’d even approach these people. There is a discord that our host is in, but all I’ve done is sit there silently reading convos. The blog name is dangan-happy, which is super cute. It’s just a cute concept.

Which isn’t creepy at all, I know XD

10. What’s confusing? It seems pretty straightforward to me. Have you ever heard the saying the shortest distance is a straight line? It’s like that. The shortest distance to good things is bad things. If the bad has already happened then the good remains. If I cause the bad that means that I can control what happens to a degree. Hope, despair, luck,..whatever the opposite of luck is. Unluck? It’s all like that. You just have to cut the straight line.

Ok, I guess there will be a part two? I mean. This is pretty disappointing so I get it if I should burn this post in internet hell or something.

But thank you for the asks though. It did feel nice to talk about some things.

[enaasteria]

Hi! We've talked a bit here and there, and your stories have filled in the gaping vacuum of numerous evenings and nights every once in a while. We bonded over Red, and I feel like why the story caught me by the heart is because it hits quite close to home. Apartment was another angsty roller coaster which I think changed me in incredible ways over a matter of days, and I'll never have enough words to express my gratitude. So I thought I'll go on anon because I really needed to talk to somebody…

(#2) …While I really don't want to pile your inbox with the woes of a stranger, I feel like I can trust you with how I feel at the moment because… idk, I just do. I'd moved away from my family when I was 14, and I have suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. As warm and loving as my family is, I have quite the responsibilities and expectations on me as the only child of the family. I've been had three significant relationships, out of which I was cheated on twice…

(#3) I lost a friend last month, and my grandmother earlier this month, and given that I work and study, I haven't been home since about a year now. I want to take time off, learn Japanese and travel, but my parents aren't really happy with it. And my mental space isn't exactly a good place for anything at the moment. Kpop and writing seem to be the only two things that keep me going, but I've been dealing with quite a bit of hate for letting my sanity depend on people who don't know I exist…

(#4) my own friends, who are just as much into kpop, tell me that "it's a phase" and I need to "grow out of it" when I say that sometimes I cry over Kyungsoo because I love him too much, or because they're the only good thing in my life. My family thinks I'm being impulsive by wanting to learn a language and travel by throwing away my routine life. How bad do you think it is if this one man makes me happy and keeps me alive when I honestly don't wanna live? Is it that stupid? I just don't know…

Oh, Anon. I feel like I know who you are but I shall call you Anon for now to safeguard your identity. It’s really such an honor you and so many readers come to me to speak your minds and unload your worries. Thank you for the kindness you have shown me and I hope these words will be of some comfort through your troubling times.

I’m so sorry for all of the loss you have endured this year and have gone through---you dealt with significant loss of friendship, family, but also the loss of bits and pieces of your heart and the suffering on your mind. It’s difficult to come back and rise from those hardships because it’s always easier to let yourself succumb to the darkness than lift yourself up into the light. It all takes such a huge mental toll on you and I commend you for your perseverance in trying your best through all this. 

At the end of the day, you have to realize and think about what is right for you. The life you lead eventually is yours to live and yours to walk through. The opinions of your friends and family should be taken into account but again---this is your life. It’s easy to get lost in the views of others and if you want to take a break, learn Japanese, and travel, you should---as long as you have the proper means to and know the risks your taking. 

Your parents don’t want you to do this because it’s a risk---it’s uncharted territory and if your parents are like my parents, then they might have that traditional mindset of doing things safely and never stepping outside the lines. Your personality, from what I can tell, isn’t meant to be lived in a constrained box. The more you’re restrained, the more you will want to break free later. The tighter the tension, the bigger the explosion to come and it might not come in the best way if you keep holding yourself back. If this is something you truly want to do---prepare for it. Do your research, be financially stable to make this journey, write up why you want to do this, and how it will benefit you. 

With writing and KPOP, I can empathize with your every feeling. My writing is kept secret from the real world. I don’t tell others for fear of what you said---them thinking it’s just a phase (but this phase has lasted 18 years so is it really a phase? haha). But like you, writing and KPOP are my points of escape from reality. These little things that I love doing help keep me alive and of sorts---happy. If these aspects make your life worth living, why give it up? Why throw it away when it makes you smile and has your heart swell in joy? 

And it’s not bad to hold love for an idol. In some way shape or form, we all love our favored idol in some way. It’s a love that is different with each person but it’s best to know the boundaries and limits of those affections. If Kyungsoo makes you happy, then continue to support him and his endeavors as he would support you and your wishes. 

And as do I---for whatever you want and wish to do in the world, I’ll do my very best to support you and root you on, Anon. Again, I’m not sure if these words will help you but I shall send you warm thoughts and hope for all of the happiness for you.