#idk if this makes sense i haven’t slept yet

[lestatslestits]

I keep thinking about how “Jim” is probably the closest we’ll ever get to seeing an angel or demon who is not (consciously, at least) operating under Heaven or Hell, and all of the context and baggage that those two institutions come with. Jim is so fundamentally different from what we know of Gabriel. He’s friendly, polite, helpful (or at least he tries to be), concerned and apologetic about past slights, even though he doesn’t remember committing them. He’s joyful and silly! The more we see of the passive aggressive power struggle of Heaven, as well as its hunger for war, the more everything about who Gabriel is makes sense. But when “Jim” was afraid and confused he asked for help and for grace and he received it. He received it from someone who gave him clothes and food and a place to stay. Someone who refused to abandon him, in spite of any misgivings about a shared past he was not privy to. Something something, whatever you do for the least of these…

Something about seeing Gabriel existing, for however brief a time, removed from any ineffable confines makes my heart ache for Aziraphale and Crowley. Even before the Beginning, Aziraphale is already navigating by some kind of survival instinct, the understanding that good angels should be seen and not heard, while Crowley is on his way to understanding that cages are still cages, even the gilded ones.

The novel and the first season both ask “am I allowed to be something other than the thing I was designed to be?” and I think season two raises the question of “who could I have been if that one thing had never happened to me?”

And in either case, I don’t think Aziraphale and Crowley ever really receive satisfactory answers.

[dandy-andyyy]

Wait a minute…the way they both have those wounds made by Ned on their chests over their hearts…something something old wounds that have yet to heal. And both in the scene before they sleep together and the scene after, Stede is shirtless, his wound exposed, while Ed is covered up. I feel like maybe it mirrors how they are both trying to heal? Where Stede attempts to be more brash and pirate-y, Ed is trying to embrace a more quiet, low-key life.

But they have yet to address the roots of their trauma. Stede thinks he can puff up his chest and outwardly play the act of a ruthless pirate captain to hide the uncertainty that he still feels. Ed is still internally grappling with the effects of the pirate life he lived and eventually runs away, hiding his feelings.

The night they spent together was just two hurt, wounded people reaching out and trying to find healing in one another.

[7s3ven]

okay I feel like you would be the perfect person to write this request! Obviously you don’t have to write it if you don’t want to :)it and idea for a Luke castellan x reader (and spoilers for the books/series if you haven’t read the books or know the plot!)

Is there anyway you’d be interesting in writing a Luke x reader where they’re a daughter of Poseidon fic where he betray the reader and like poisons them instead of percy but reader and Luke where in a relationship??? Idk mad woman by Taylor’s swift like opening lyrics give off that sort of vibe sorry if this makes no sense 😭

THE WAY I GASPED AND SHOUTED "THAT'S EVIL". Nahhh, poor Y/N. I feel so bad for the suffering I'm going to put her through...

( master list )

POISON AND TOXIN. luke (pjo)

IN WHICH... Luke commits the unthinkable and Y/N no longer wants any part in his life. Unfortunately for her, Luke isn’t ready to let her go.

"I'm takin' my time, takin' my time. 'Cause you took everything from me. Watchin' you climb, watchin' you climb over people like me."

Warnings : spoilers, details will differ (I haven’t read the books in ages), obsessive love, yandere! luke, kidnapping, angst, betrayal, toxic relationship, mentions of sex, manipulation, y/n + luke know they’re toxic but they can’t stay away from each other

—

The last few days without Percy had been uneventful to say the most. Y/N groaned as she slowly sat up, clutching her aching head. The pain was pounding against her skull, causing her to quietly scoff. She groggily reached for a bottle of pills beside her bed, taking one to relieve the pressure.

The harsh light from the sun seared into the room and she groaned, squinting her eyes to protect them.

“Another late night, Y/N?” Harmon, a boy from the Apollo cabin, called out as she exited her cabin to breathe in the morning air. He jogged over to a swaying Y/N.

“Yeah. It doesn’t feel right without Percy.” Y/N groaned, running a hand through her untidy hair. She probably looked like a mess right now but with all the thoughts rushing through her mind, she didn’t care.

It felt wrong without Percy. All those years alone had done some damage on her and it had been exciting to have someone new in her cabin, for a little while at least. While Percy occupied the bed in the corner of the dusty room, Y/N’s nightmares came to a temporary halt. She was happy for the time being, her dreams filled with pretty flowers and romantic settings instead of chilling monsters and bony hands threatening to drag her to the bottom of the ocean.

“How’s Luke?” Harmon questioned, causing Y/N to heave an annoyed sigh. She rolled her E/C sighed, scowling.

“As distant as ever.” She sneered. She lifted her head, making eye contact with the one person they were talking about. Y/N held strong eye contact with Luke before glancing back to Harmon, smiling at him. “Have you had breakfast yet?” She questioned, tilting her head to the side. “Do you know if there’s any food left?”

“There might be. You woke up pretty late.” Harmon grinned.

“I will see you later, then. I have to make myself look presentable and not like a raccoon that just crawled out of a garbage can.” Y/N laughed at her own joke as she waltzed back into her cabin, kicking the door closed. She hummed under her breath as she pulled the crop top she slept in off, replacing it with her bra and the bright orange shirt she hated so much.

She quietly yelped when her door creaked open, thinking it was someone else. She felt a little relieved when it was only Luke. He stood there in all his glory, arms folded over his chest and a look on his face that suggested he wasn't happy at all. "What was that?" He questioned, sitting down on Y/N's bed as she looked at him in confusion.

"Uh... what?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowing. Luke scoffed at her perplexed face, not believing it for a second.

"You were flirting with that Apollo boy. You're my girlfriend, not his." Luke snapped, anger glazing over his usual kind eyes. Y/N was taken aback, staring at him with her red-tinted lips parted in surprise.

"I wasn't... what? Luke, I wasn't flirting with Harmon. He's my friend." Y/N resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she slid on a pair of pants. She could feel Luke's gaze watching her every move and wandering over her waist.

What had become of Luke? She was at camp before he even arrived and she was the one to show him around, introducing the boy to the perilous life of a demigod. Ever since that damned quest, he had been acting different. More closed-off, more secretive with someone he once shared everything with, and he let his temper get the best of him; always shouting at people and letting his anger flare up like he was Clarisse.

Annabeth could sense the change too.

"What's with you, Luke? You used to be fine with me talking to Harmon." Y/N took a careful step towards her boyfriend, not wanting to upset him even more.

"That was before he started staring at you like you were the only girl he could ever date." Luke jeered as he deeply frowned. Y/N smoothened out her messy bedsheets before taking a seat next to him.

She stared at him, not really knowing what to reply with. Her breath shuddered as she shrugged. "I guess I could... talk to him less?" She muttered, causing Luke's face to light up. He instantly smiled, pulling Y/N into a tight embrace.

"I love you." He whispered, pressing a light kiss to the side of her neck. Y/N blinked a few times, thickly gulping.

"I... I love you too, Luke." His hands felt like blistering metal on her bare arms but she couldn't find the courage to pull away, in fear he'd hurt her or leave her. Luke had never hit her, thankfully, but his words sometimes pierced her soul and he left her crying under her sheets, wondering what she had done wrong.

"I'll see you after archery, alright?" Luke ended the hug.

Y/N stared at him in confusion. "But... I thought you were teaching the newbies archery and I'd be showing someone else around?" She spluttered.

"Nah. I changed your job. Newcomer's a boy and I don't want him to get any ideas." Luke grinned and Y/N couldn't say no to his charming face. He passionately kissed her, cupping her face in his large hands to pull her closer.

"I should get going, Luke." Y/N breathed but he tugged her back.

"You can afford to leave them for a few minutes." He whispered, dragging Y/N onto his lap. She couldn't stop her cheeks from flushing bright red despite his hands harshly digging into her skin and his grip being so tight that she couldn't squirm away, even if she wanted to. Luke had no interest in whatever the new kid was saying. He kept babbling on and eventually, Luke managed to tune out his voice. The pair ended up in the arena and the boy, whose name was Gil, nudged Luke.

"Who's that?" Gil questioned, pointing at Y/N. Luke clenched his jaw and harshly cleared his throat. He placed his hands on Gil's shoulders, squeezing him tighter than needed.

"Y/N L/N." He muttered. "Pretty little thing, ain't she? She's great with archery. May as well be Apollo's daughter with that skill." Gil didn't notice the dark look in Luke's eyes, too preoccupied with craning his neck to catch another longing glimpse of Y/N. Luke cleared his throat, "The tour's over. I trust you'll be able to find the Hermes cabin by yourself?"

Gil mindlessly nodded.

Luke walked over to Y/N, tapping her on the shoulder. He kissed her cheek, making sure Gil saw his not-so-subtle advances. "What was that for?" She asked as she turned to Luke. The young demigods groaned at the sight of a couple and Y/N quietly laughed, effortlessly shushing them.

"I think you've had enough practice for today. Come back tomorrow, same time." Y/N said to the children, ushering them away. Luke slung an arm around her shoulder as they walked side by side.

"You have to stop attracting attention from other guys." Luke uttered to break the peaceful silence.

"What?" Y/N lightly gasped, offended. She glowered at Luke, quietly scoffing. "Oh, so it's my fault now?"

Luke shrugged, pressing his lips into an annoyed thin line. "I'm just saying. You wear low-waisted pants and a shirt that's too small." Y/N should have punched him for that comment but she was sure that Luke could do a lot worse to her pretty face.

"My clothes are not an invitation." Y/N quickly snapped.

"When did you start disrespectfully talking back?"

"It's hardly disrespectful, Luke. I'm simply standing up for myself. I do not condone your jealous behavior and troublesome remarks." Y/N harshly poked his chest, almost angrily baring her teeth at him. "Talk to me when you regain your senses. It's not my damn fault that you feel so threatened by other boys that you start blaming me."

Luke ran his tongue over his teeth as he watched Y/N storm off. He bit the inside of his cheek before huffing in frustration. Y/N would forgive him for his harsh and cold words in no time, she always did. Especially when he'd sneak into her cabin at night with her permission and press her hips deep into her squeaky mattress.

Y/N went to lunch furious and still fuming. A part of her wanted to wear an over-sized shirt to please Luke while the other refused to back down. What gave him the right to dictate her life while he could do whatever he wanted simply because of his gender?

Y/N was even angrier to see Luke standing at the Aphrodite table, entertaining the giggling girls who he knew had a thing for him. She gripped her fork tightly and jumped when someone slid into the seat next to her.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Y/N recognised him as the Gil boy, or whatever his name was. She raised her eyebrows as her lips curled into a slight sneer.

“Do I… know you?” She asked, “Only Poseidon kids are allowed to sit here and until my brother is back, nobody but me should be here.”

Gil quickly stood up, his knees hitting the table. “Sorry. I didn’t realise. I’ll, uh, go back to the Hermes table. Sorry, again.” He ran off while Y/N sighed. She picked at her half-eaten food before deciding she was no longer hungry. It was a rash decision but as soon as she reached the wildly dancing fire, she threw her food and plate in. Her father wouldn’t be too pleased but he could live with it.

Luke’s sharp gaze followed Y/N as she left the cheerful atmosphere. He quietly chuckled and smirked. If there was one thing that he knew about Y/N, it was that she didn’t handle jealousy too well either.

He left the Aphrodite table without an excuse, not caring about the girls drunk with love. “Hey, Y/N, honey, did that Gil kid upset you? I understand that he’s a little annoying but I can talk to him if you want.” Luke clasped his hands around her wrist, forcing her to stop walking so quickly.

“It’s not his fault!” Y/N exclaimed, spinning around. Her eyes were red and the tears welling up in her eyes shone in the dim sun. “It’s yours, Luke! You treat me like I’m some… some girl who worships the ground you walk on! Well, I don’t! I have some self-respect left. And if you want to flirt with other girls then that’s fine by me. But make sure you break up with me first because I’m not putting up with any of your bullshit.”

Luke chuckled, “Harsh words, don’t you think?” He almost jumped when Y/N let out a scream.

“You never take me seriously! All you do is play around and then you get mad at me for factors I can’t control! Yet you always brush me off when I’m trying to resolve things. You isolate me from my friends so I’m easier to mess with! Well, are you done now? Have you had enough fun?!”

“I’m not manipulating you. You’re crazy to think that. I love you, Y/N.”

“No! That’s not true! That’s a lie!” Y/N pulled at the end of her hair, “You fell in love with the idea of me! You’re in love with your version of me that lives inside your head! And then you get mad at me because I make a mistake and your Y/N isn’t supposed to make mistakes!But I’m not like her, Luke! You have pushed me too far and when I finally break, suddenly I’m the crazy one?! You always call me crazy. So guess what, maybe I am insane!” Y/N heavily panted as tears spilled over her hot cheeks, cascading down and temporarily staining her shirt. She had always been a kind soul but there was one particular flaw Y/N hated; her habit of crying whenever she was mad.

“If you won’t end our relationship then I will. We’re over, Luke. I’ve had enough of your jealousy and if you can’t accept that I have guy friends then maybe you need to think twice before attacking me.” Y/N reached up, grasping the necklace she had made Luke that hung around his neck, and yanking it off.

Luke watched in despair as the colourful beads dropped one by one to the floor, rolling under the green blades of grass. “Are you crazy?” He muttered, looking up. “You can’t leave me… I’m all you have.” He clutched his shirt, balling up the fabric, and he took long strides towards Y/N. “I made you into who you are. I created you from nothing. Before me, you were only a girl half-decent at archery. Now, you’re a prodigy. You would’ve been lost without my guidance and you have the guts to break up with me?!”

Y/N didn’t flinch, even when Luke’s voice pierced her sensitive ears. “It’s like you said, Luke. I am crazy. Breakups happen so deal with it.” She threw the remaining beads and the leather string at him before walking away, most likely to stay in the cool comforts of her cabin until Annabeth and Percy returned.

Luke could barely contain his rage and he hurriedly kneeled down to collect the beads, or at least the ones he could find.

Each bead and charm seemed to bring back a different memory of them arguing or fighting over a pointless topic. Luke sighed as he leaned his head back, knowing he had made a mistake.

But if there was one thing Luke Castellan refused to do, it was give up. So he stared at Y/N all throughout dinner. And even when Y/N made it clear that the sight of him made her sick, he still knocked on her door at night.

“Y/N.” He called out, impatiently tapping his foot against the old wood. “I’m sorry. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? I’m ready to talk everything out. I’m calm now.”

Those were the exact words he had uttered to Y/N last week, promising he would change but he never did. Y/N had learned her lesson from that, refusing to open the door and going as far as locking it.

“Y/N. You’re being unreasonable.” Luke grumbled as he desperately tried to open the door, barging into it with his shoulder. He heard Y/N laugh.

“That’s ironic considering you’re trying to break my door down.” She spoke over the hooting owls and buzzing cicadas. “You always promise you’ll change but you never do. Don’t you think it’s time to stop making empty promises?”

Luke could hear her voice waver and he felt a small pang of guilt, knowing he was the reason behind her agonising sorrow.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, not only to Y/N but to everybody he was about to hurt, even to his father who was the most wretched man in this world. He repeated his sentence, leaning his head against the door. It suddenly swung open and Luke almost crashed into Y/N whom was still gripping the door knob.

She quietly sighed, her gaze immediately spotting his mournful eyes and his lips pulled into a guiltily frown. Y/N hesitated before stepping aside.

“This is your last chance, Luke.” She mumbled but he knew she was lying. She loved him far too much to devoid herself of his charming face.

Luke smiled as he brushed past Y/N. She could never resist him, after all. In a way, Luke pitied her for being so forgiving and sick with love because she and Percy were in the most danger out of everybody, even if they couldn’t see it yet.

The day Percy returned was the day Luke decided to be a hopeless romantic. He took an unsuspecting Y/N into the woods, twirling her around a few times because she always liked dancing.

While Y/N was distracted by the babbling brook and dipping her hand in the cool water, Luke clasped his hands behind his back. He was thinking of what to do next, let Y/N to fend for herself or he could struggle to protect her.

But sacrificing so much for a mere girl seemed pointless, even if Luke was developing strong feelings for Y/N. He quickly clicked his fingers, catching Y/N’s attention. She glanced over her shoulder, her joyful smiling fading as she laid eyes on the huge pit scorpion.

She scrambled back while Luke watched her pathetic attempt at escaping.

“I wouldn’t.” He uttered, “Pit scorpions can jump fifteen feet and slice right through your clothes. You’ll be dead in sixty seconds. But, of course, you already knew that because you love reading about these creatures. That’s why you look so frightened.”

Y/N looked at Luke, searching for any kindness in his eyes to offer her mercy. There was none. His eyes were like a void, empty and dark and lacking any human emotions.

He looked nothing like her Luke who she had met on his first day of camp, scared, annoyed, and baffled at what had become of his dead friend Thalia.

“It’s a shame I have to end our relationship here. I was starting to enjoy your presence, but giving up all my hard work for you is hardly beneficial.”

“What?” Y/N spluttered, trying to kick the scorpion away. She only made it angrier and it clapped his claws at her, ignoring Luke altogether. The scorpion’s tail was raised in hostility and Y/N held back a loud shudder of fear, knowing Luke was thriving off her terror. “Luke… what are you talking about?”

He laughed as if she were an idiot. She felt like one for trusting him despite how much he hurt her. “You don’t get it, do you? I want revenge. On my father and on the gods who have forsaken their children! They don’t give a shit about us. They never did. To them, we’re just some nitwits who are stupid enough to suck up to them. I was the one who stole the bolt, Y/N. Not Hades. And I was the one who sent that hellhound after Percy.”

“Luke, I trusted you.” Y/N thickly gulped.

“A fatal mistake.”

“No. That’s our parents you’re talking about, Luke. And you wouldn’t try and kill Percy… would you? Not my brother. You know how much he means to me.” Y/N’s eyesight turned glassy as she furrowed her eyebrows.

It all made sense now. His sour mood and his bitter attitude. All those nights she spent crying over his glass sharp words. Y/N felt foolish for not noticing what he was doing, but she was far too preoccupied with saving her relationship with Luke at the time.

“What did you think I’d say to that? Join you?” Y/N huffed.

Luke’s eyes flickered to the large bug that was only getting more furious as the seconds ticked by. “Does a scorpion sting when fighting back?” He simply questioned.

Y/N’s hardened gaze bored into his soul as she answered. “They strike to kill… and you know I will too.”

Yes, Luke knew that. Y/N was an exceptional fighter with strategic moves rivalling Annabeth’s. Every carefully planned attack she dealt was like instant death. Luke knew if she had a weapon then she wouldn’t hesitate to land a blow. But he also knew she cared for him far too much to stab his chest. If he had a better weapon, would he do the same? Or spare her?

“It’s a shame you won’t join me… I know you won’t. You and your brother are too alike.” Luke let out a low hum, “I guess we’ve both changed. You used to be hungry for power. I remember you would train until the sunset with your bow and arrow, always wanting to be the best. You’d skip meals, even if you were starving, and I’d have to beg and cry for you to eat. Maybe if my father didn’t give me that quest then we would’ve been fine.”

Luke stared at Y/N for a moment before a grin broke across his face. He stepped over the furious scorpion, pressing a strong kiss to Y/N’s lips. It felt on acid on her skin, itchy and burning and painful.

“A part of me hopes you’ll survive this.” He whispered, “So you can live to see another day. I’ll create the perfect world for you… you’ll see. You’ll love me again even if I have to force the words down your throat.”

Something slipped into her pocket but Y/N’s mind was on the pit scorpion. She flinched as the it climbed up her shoe, snapping its pinchers again.

“Luke.” She breathed as he began to walk away. “Luke. Don’t leave me here! Luke!” She screeched. She would have continued screaming, even if her voice gave up and her vocal cords tore, if it meant she could spend one more day with the warm and loving Luke that she once knew.

The scorpion drove its tail into her leg and she shrieked in pain. She kicked the creature off and desperately searched around for a weapon. She found a small dagger in her pocket, realising that’s what Luke must’ve given to her.

Y/N sliced the scorpion, panting as the world become a confused hazed. She stabbed the creature over and over again until it was nothing but a gruesome corpse of a once terrifying bug.

Y/N limped towards the water but she stumbled, falling to her knees. The toxin was spreading through her blood quickly. She desperately reached out a hand for the creek water, knowing it could possibly heal her. Making it in time to camp would be impossible with her blurring eyesight and inability to walk properly. She’d have to drag her stung leg behind her.

Y/N clawed her way towards the water before her body gave in to the poison. Her limbs grew numb and they refused to move.

Y/N heard the loud noise of bushes rustling and Percy burst into the clearing, Annabeth and a few Apollo kids following close behind.

“Y/N!” He shouted, his voice deafened by the ringing in her ears. She felt dizzy and the world spun in slow-motion as the Apollo healers turned Y/N on her back. Percy kneeled beside her, holding her hand tightly.

“She’s been stung. We don’t have much time. Feed her the nectar.”

Black dots swarmed around in her vision. She could see Annabeth yelling at her but she heard no voices as she let her head loll to the side and she finally succumbed to sleep, not knowing if she would wake up again.

Y/N stirred as the harsh light peeked through the thin curtains of the infirmary. She lightly groaned, shifting around to get more comfortable. Her senses were slowly coming back and she could finally hear again.

“Y/N?” Percy was at her side in an instant. She smiled up at him.

“He really stole the bolt… didn’t he?” She whispered. Percy slowly nodded.

“Yeah…”

Luke’s betrayal would be hard to endure for both the Poseidon siblings and Annabeth. He was beloved by most of the camp and he threw it all away for one pitiful shot at glory.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I know you loved him.” Percy’s grip on her hand tightened.

A small laugh slipped past Y/N’s lips. “I guess I did… but he didn’t love me back. Or maybe he did and I simply wasn’t enough…”

Luke’s love had ever been pure or innocent. There was always a catch to it. He was obsessive with her, constantly ensuring that no other guys talked to Y/N. At least, not the ones that posed a threat.

A part of Y/N would always miss Luke but she could feel relief wash over her body because she no longer had to endure his lashing-out anger and sadness anymore.

She had escaped his cruel clutches and until they met again, most likely on a battlefield with their swords pressed up against each other’s throats, she could live in peace.

However, happiness never lasted long for demigods. “Get some rest.” Percy uttered as he stepped out of the infirmity. It was late at night and the last Apollo kid had just finished her daily rounds at checking the patients.

Y/N quietly sighed as she leaned her head back, her eyelids fluttering closed. The floorboards creaked but she paid it no mind. All the cabins squeaked, even the Aphrodite one.

Y/N felt drowsy under the influence of the medicine she had been given and she fell asleep in no time. Her long awaited rest didn’t last for long, though, when she awoke with a loud gasp.

She was outside. In a shallow river. Her clothes stuck to her body and she spat out a mouthful of water. Y/N shivered, rubbing her arms as a sorry attempt to generate warmth.

From the shore, she heard a familiar laugh. It pierced her soul and Y/N stiffened, her breath trembling. Luke sat not even a meter away, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. He saw her petrified face and it fuelled a sadistic need inside of him.

“I changed my mind, sweetheart.” Those words from him felt like poison to Y/N. “I got permission to keep you around as long as you don’t get into trouble.”

Luke inched forward and Y/N tilted away, trying to scramble rearward. Her back hit a large rock and she quivered, realising she was trapped between a boulder and Luke. Her former lover was approaching her quickly and she didn’t have time to react before he was kneeled in front of her, not caring how his clothes got soaked.

He gently grasped Y/N’s chin, an action that contrasted his aggressive approach back at camp. He tilted her head up so that she was forced to stare at him and sent her another sickeningly sweet smile.

“Did you miss me, sweetheart?” He whispered in her ear. His hands felt gross on her skin but her body refused to move. She knew she wouldn’t get far with her injured leg and weakened body. “Because I missed you terribly.”

His lips captured Y/N’s in a long kiss and for millisecond, she forgot all his wrongdoings. She almost melted before she came back to her senses.

As Luke pulled away, Y/N sank further into the river like it would save her from whatever callous and vicious act Luke was going to perform.

Her whole body shook, and not just from the cold, as she found herself cornered in Luke’s suffocating embrace once again after fighting so long to get out.

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[son-of-a-ghost]

Care (Jeff the Killer x reader smut)

A/N Yeah, I haven’t written shit to post since early high school and I just graduated college.  This doesn’t make sense, but I had a good time writing it, so I’m sharing it with the void that is Tumblr.  Maybe someone will like it, idk.  

I am also aware that this is bad.  Shush.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Jeff, please!”

You called out, begging for him to slow down, but the killer didn’t slow down.  He kept up his brutal pace, pounding into your pussy with a vigor he usually reserved for murder.  Groans and growls escaped his lips, emanating from his chest.  

“Huh-huh too much!” you whined out again, and this time he snapped up his head to look into your eyes.  Piercing blue eyes clouded with lust stared deep into your soul, wild and out-of-touch with reality.  

Suddenly, it was like a switch flipped and he remembered where he was and who he was with.  He slowed his pace.

“Sorry, love, you just feel so good.  Do you need a break?”  He questioned, panting to regain his breath and composure.

You nodded a response, taking a deep breath of relief when he pulled out of you.  Every muscle ached and you had no idea how long you and him had been at it, you just know that it was becoming too overstimulating.  Jeff straddled your thighs, leaning down to kiss your lips, hands running through your hair to comb out any knots.  

Exhausted, you kiss him back, relaxing into his kisses and touch.  Despite how rough he can be during sex, these moments of kindness and compassion when he realizes he took it too far are part of what keeps bringing you back to his room night after night, begging for him to ravage you.  

Soon, your exhaustion took over your body and you fell asleep, Jeff still kissing your lips until he realized you were asleep.  He moved off your body to hold you while you slept, pulling a blanket up over both of you.  Subconsciously, you snuggled closer to him and he smiled; a real smile.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next night, Jeff wasn’t surprised to once again hear a quiet tapping at his door.  He already knew you were behind it, but what he wasn’t ready to see was instead of you being extremely turned on and needing him, your face was instead streaked with tears and you sniffled.

“What’s up?” he tried to casually say, but the concern colored his voice more than he would have liked to let on as he opened the door further to let you in.  

“LJ is a goddamn jerk, that’s what’s up,” you sniffled again.  

“He fucking stole my rabbit stuffed animal, and yeah, I know it’s so stupid to have it but forgive me that I have something from my childhood before this fucking place.  And he won’t give it back!”  Anger filled your voice as you relayed this short story to Jeff, plopping yourself onto his bed.  

He was a little stunned.  You had never come to him with a problem before.  Usually he saw you as a confident person who wasn’t afraid of any of the weirdos and demons that called the forest home.  Yet, here you sat in his bedroom, crying over a stuffed animal.  He was unsure of what to do, but what he did know was that this was something serious.  And he wasn't very good with seriousness.  

“Uh… uhm, do you want me to get you a new one?”  Jeff offered awkwardly.  In response, you wrapped your arms around yourself and hugged yourself.  A sniffle escaped your nose, followed by a quiet, “No.”  

Jeff walked to his bed and cautiously sat down next to you.  “Why can’t you get it back?  You’ve never been afraid of any of us before.”  

“I’m not fucking scared, I just can’t find it in LJ’s stupid carnival.  It could be anywhere.”  

Jeff felt the anger building in his chest that LJ had done something that had upset y/n so much.  He stood wordlessly and began walking towards the door.  “Wait, where are you going?” you called after him.  “Out,” was his one word response.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sat in your room alone, watching the tree line outside the house for any animals.  You couldn’t sleep, you were still riled up from the events of the day and couldn’t stand the thought of trying to sleep without your stuffed rabbit.  Another sniffle held back another round of tears.  

Tap, tap, tap…

A light knocking sounded from your door.  You debated not answering it; you didn’t really want to see anyone right now.  But when the knocking came again, a little louder, you moved to open the door.  

Standing outside was Jeff, a little bloody, but gently carrying something behind his back.  Wordlessly, he revealed what he had been hiding.  

Your rabbit!

A huge smile overtook your face as you grabbed it and held it to your face.  It didn’t smell quite right anymore, but it was definitely your stuffed rabbit.  After hugging the rabbit, you hugged Jeff with an intensity he had never experienced from you.  

“Thank you,” you whispered into his ear.  

“No problem,” was his muffled response as he buried his face into your neck.  

This hug didn’t end quickly, and soon Jeff began kissing your throat, leaving nips where he knew your sensitive spots were.  You whined softly each time.  

Releasing him, you made eye contact with him and dragged him backwards into your room.  He shut the door behind him, especially as his dick started to swell and he could feel your heart rate pick up.  

Inside your room, you paused his advances to put your stuffed rabbit on a chair, off the bed.  You didn’t want your precious stuffed animal to be anywhere near the two of you while you were being ~intimate.~

Jeff grabbed your hips and pulled you closer to him when you turned around, kissing you roughly.  You giggled.

“You didn’t rescue my rabbit to get in my pants, did you?”  You questioned him.  

“Of course not,” Jeff laughed back.  “I did it because I care for you and this is something you were upset about.  I knew it meant a lot to you.”  

“...you care for me?”  You repeated.  “You’ve never said that before.”  

“Oh.  You think I let you into my room every night and let you sleep in my bed with my blankets and I don’t care about you?”  He questioned, cocking an eyebrow.

“I guess… yeah, that is what I kind of thought.”  

He shook his head.  “If I didn’t care about you, I would at the least kick you out of my room after I was done fucking your brains out.  Or leave you high and dry.”  

You whined, pouting.  “Ah, shush, I wouldn’t do that to you,” he responded to your pouting.  “Now, lay down.  I need you,” he commanded, pushing you towards the bed.  You laid down, giggling the whole time.  

[ceebit]

birthday aches ✦ j. hong

note : happy birthday ?? to my bestie ?? crying crying crying ok. hope he stuffed himself full with cake and rests well :’) idk what else to say that isn’t me just crying so here’s a birthday post for my beloved. <3

wc : 1.7k. fluff. emotional ? tears definitely. ok. [cries]

“do i have something on my face?”

he blinks slowly, dazed look sharpening to something much more focused, and allows himself to be subject to the laughter that crackles through the speakers of his phone. you’re squinting at him teasingly like you always do, brows drawn downwards in disbelief.

“am i no longer allowed to admire artwork anymore?” his voice drawls out lazily, stretching out before snuggling further into his blanket. you roll your eyes like he knew you would, but he knows there’s a smile hidden underneath the bundle of your scarf.

it’s hard, sometimes—being away from you for so long, especially during the holidays. with concerts and fan signs and so many little things to complete before the year is over, he hardly has time to catch up with you and the life that you live. (that doesn’t include him, he oftens thinks bitterly, and resigns himself to feeling low until one of the guys eventually drag him out and about.)

he loves his dream. loves being on stage, loves being surrounded by people who love him and his members for the career he chose but he wishes you were here with him every step of the way. he supposes it’s karma, you falling in love with the people’s person. a humbling experience to remind him what he’s chosen to do.

support is never wavering with you, though. no matter what city you’re in or the difference in time zones, you’ve never missed a single good luck message before a performance or a call to soothe his fear and anxieties of underperforming. you’ve become his forever constant, from that fateful mix up in his schedule to years up the ladder of success, and he’s grateful for you in ways he can’t even begin to describe.

he just, you know. wishes you could have been by his side for all of it. 

he zones back in to gentle calls of his name, offering a tired smile to the questioning look you send him. “the concert was a bit exhausting,” he explains. “i don’t think my body has quite yet… come down from the high, if that makes sense?”

you hum in both understanding and sympathy, and he knows that if you were here, he’d be squeezed into your arms and rocked side to side for a bit. 

“i’m just glad you have some time to relax for your birthday,” you grin, your sincerity seeping through the screen. “you deserve the rest, shua. i hate seeing you so tired all the time.”

i haven’t slept well since the last time i touched you, he wants to say. i sleep better knowing i’ll turn you’ll still be there. i haven’t felt the texture of your skin in months and it’s driving me up the wall but he smiles and nods and promises to try for you.

“is it cold where you are? i hope you’re staying warm.” 

you read between the lines as always, glancing back at the screen to offer a smile. “is this the part where i say ‘i only feel warm with you’?”

“whatever makes you happiest, dear.” and you laugh and it soothes the ache just a little bit.

he wants to talk about your travels. the sights you’ve seen, the people you’ve met, and the things you’ve done. but all thoughts of uttering a single word considering your worldwide trek comes to a halt when you look up yet again, and he can’t help but blurt, “are you busy? you know it doesn’t matter if you call today. i know it’s a lot of—”

“don’t be silly, you know i’ll always make time for you.” your frown is almost offended, and he burrows himself deeper into the covers under your stare. “busy or not, you’re important to me!”

he nods. understood. his heart kicks its feet giddily.

“i’m just. hoping i don’t be late to this thing i’m rushing to. it’s kind of time sensitive?” you huff in annoyance, cold air fogging around your face. “it’s really important to me.”

“and you want me to stay on the phone with you?” you nod and his chest warms significantly. “just say you’re in love with me or something.”

“i’m in love with you,” you reply simply, shaking your head soon after when he calls you a sap.

you chat aimlessly for a bit longer, filling the distance with your mindless thoughts on topics he threw at you and in turn, asking him about his hopes for the new year. it’s the same each and every year—to spend more time with you—and he knows you just like to hear him say it, but it rings a bit of a sad truth.

he wants to settle down with you. wants to do mundane things like bicker over losing socks in the laundry and grocery shop with you in the afternoon and spoon feed you soup when you don’t feel your best. he wants it with enough passion to self combust, after years of getting by with glimpses of you. he can’t stand the distance, but beggars can’t be choosers.

it sours his mood, and like always, you notice.

“shua.” his hum is faint, lingering in the air. “can you go to your front door? i think my present should have arrived by now?”

“you got me a gift?” his gaze darts to the door, squinting as if he could see through it if he tried hard enough. you stifle a laugh. “what is it?”

“open your door and find out, genius.”

slowly, he patters out of the living room and towards the main hallway, phone in hand at your request to see his reaction. he sees you bite your lip in anticipation and his heart thunders.

“will i like it?” he’s nervous but he doesn’t know why. “what am i talking about? of course i’ll like it, it’s from you.”

“sweet talker,” you tease, “but you’re stalling. i don’t want porch pirates to steal it!”

“i live in an apartment?”

“don’t be a smartass.” you’ve lost the bite to your words, though. you’re grinning openingly, excitement highlighting your features, and he wonders just what you might have waiting for him behind the door.

it could have been anything, really. he was expecting an actual present from the way you urged him on. not… one of his friends dressed head to toe in red.

“took you long enough,” jeonghan gripes, and rolls his eyes in faux annoyance when you laugh. “hello to you, too.”

“hi, hannie,” you greet sweetly, offering a smile when joshua looks down at his screen in confusion. “your present isn’t our dear friend’s presence, though.”

“how unfortunate for you,” the latter sniffs. “i’m a fucking delight to have around. your loss.”

“hannie’s gonna blindfold and lead you somewhere, okay? it’s all safe, promise.”

“can’t guarantee he won’t be a bit bruised,” jeonghan pipes up as he produces a white blindfold, grinning cheekily as joshua glances at him wearily. “i’m joking. yn, tell him i’m joking.”

“if i come back and i see a hair on his head misplaced, you won’t like it.” 

“yeah, whatever.”

jeonghan leads him down what seems to be a hallway, the lights on the ceiling faintly visible through the fabric, and then he hears the telltale sound of the elevator reaching his floor. he’s quickly ushered inside, gripping his hand for dear life when it begins to descend.

“you still there?” you ask gently, phone still gripped in his other. he nods, frowning slightly when jeonghan stifles a snort. “words, sweetheart. you okay?”

“a little tense, but i’m okay.”

“he’s breaking my hand.”

“ignore him,” you try to soothe him, and he cracks a smile when the other lets out a faint hmph. “it’ll be over quickly. in fact, if i’m timing this correctly—”

the elevator stalls, another faint ding signaling their arrival.

“—you should be here soon, too.”

here? weren’t you out of the country? he wants to ask what you could possibly mean by that when you’re definitely thousands of miles away from him—but he hears the doors slide open and the sound of you hanging up the phone abruptly. he startles when he’s tugged out the elevator and stumbles over his feet, steadied only when he’s stopped suddenly.

hands clap against his shoulders. “wait right here,” he hears his friend say. and without waiting for some semblance of a response, his footsteps fade away.

well. if he died, he knew very well who he’d be haunting.

phone tucked into the pockets of his pajamas, his hands wring nervously, itching to grant himself the gift of sight once more. and why did you suddenly hang up? he hopes you’re okay. anything could happen these days, and he’d be damned if anything happened to you—

a pair of arms circle around his waist. he tenses, skin chilled from the slight press of cold fabric against his white shirt, and holds his breath. silence tears him apart for what seems like hours. then,

“you can take off the blindfold.”

his heart drops sixty feet into the ground, and then soars right back up into the sky.

laughter swarms his ears as he hastily undoes the knot tied sloppily at the back of his head, light swarming back unforgivingly, but he doesn’t care. not when he’s sure he’s just just heard your voice. 

he blinks rapidly, silently begging for his vision to clear. 

“don’t cry,” you laugh, hands moving to cup his face, and now he’s definitely crying, crushing you to his body and burying his face into your neck. how couldn’t he? when it’s been months since he’s last seen you, since he’s last gotten to hold you?

he needs to take the time to memorize the shape of you again. needs to run his hands over the curves and dips, overwhelmed by your sudden presence with the need to touch like a man starved.

“i thought you…” he tries to say, but all the words he’s ever practiced to say to your face fall apart the second the tips of your thumbs brush away stray tears.

“early flight. someone pulled enough strings.”

jeonghan halfheartedly salutes somewhere behind your head, and any and all thoughts of haunting him quickly dissipates. he’ll get him a cheese platter or something. just as soon as he gets used to having you this close once again.

“happy birthday,” you whisper into his embrace. his response is something akin to a sob, embarrassingly so, but you only squeeze him tighter in response.

“missed you.” please don’t leave again. “missed you so much.”

“i’m not going anywhere.” i’m here.

back home ⟡ the archive ⟡ join my taglist ⟡ last post

[chemo-n-vicodin]

heyooo, i saw that you are looking for requests 👀 im think something like the reader is exhausted after a long day and alex comes home after spending the whole day at studio so she tries to make him comfortable (like cooking for him and stuff like that) but nothing is working out and shes just on the verge of a mental breakdown because os exhaustion and frustration so Al takes care of her (idk im sleep deprived) (also its ok if you dont feel like writing it) Anywayssss, have a nice day :)

hii !!! im sorry this took literally forever HELP also i made it fluff i hope you dont mind, hope u have a nice day too <33

alex turner x gn!reader

(i imagine this as early sias/coconut hair alex, but the era isnt really described in the fic so u can imagine whoever)

warnings: reader breaks down; kinda angsty in that sense ? but reader gets comforted; ending is fluffy though

when alex comes home, he usually finds you in the living room, watching tv or summat, or playing with your cat milo. you’re usually there, welcoming him home with hugs and kisses and the warmth you always bring him, but today, the house was quiet when he came home.

he calls your name once, twice, before going into his and your room to check if you’re there, maybe just resting or reading.

when he goes inside, he doesn’t expect to see you laying on the bed, hugging a pillow tight, on his side of the bed, with milo also laying near you as you slept. when he takes a closer look at your resting state, he doesn’t expect to see tears drying on your cheeks. he tries leaving the room to let you rest for a while, but you wake up before he can, milo also getting up and leaving.

“al? hi, baby,” you yawn, checking your phone, “fuck, is that the time? i’ll go get dinner cooking,” you mumbled, getting up and walking to the kitchen. alex looped his arm around your waist, pressing a quick peck to your lips before asking if everything was okay. “okay? yeah, why wouldn’t it be, baby,” you mumbled again before continuing to walk to the kitchen.

fifteen minutes pass by and you haven’t made anything for your and alex’s dinner yet, your mind seemingly so preoccupied with other things that you can’t even focus on making two simple dishes. you don’t know what you’re doing wrong, but you just can’t get the soup to taste right, and you don’t know why the chicken isn’t cooking properly.

alex comes up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder, your head leaning into his chest as you tried turning up the heat for the chicken.

“babe, i don’t think you left the chicken out to thaw for long enough,” he tells you. and it bothers you. it bothers you that he’s right and you didn’t even notice. now you’ve got a frozen half a chicken sitting on the hottest frying pan in the world, and when you check the bottom of the chicken it’s already a little burnt, with flecks of black scattered across it, and you don’t know what’s wrong, why you’ve burnt dinner, why you can’t just focus, why you just can’t seem to do anything right —

and suddenly alex is holding you in his arms on the kitchen floor, tears flowing out of your eyes as you cry. cry about what exactly, you wonder. the half frozen half burnt half a chicken? the soup that tastes so peppery because you’ve accidentally added so much black pepper? the fact that it felt like everyone and everything kept pushing your buttons today, even the poor old lady at the crosswalk who moved a little too slow that you got left at a red light?

sometimes, everything became too much.

alex let you lay in his arms for as long as you needed, even after the tears subsided and were reduced to sniffles. he hugged you even tighter then.

“you okay now, love?” you nodded against his chest. “you wanna go back in bed?” you nodded again. you turned to switch the stoves off, but he’d already turned them off without you noticing. he lifted you up in his arms, bridal style, “then let’s get you back to bed.”

--

you don’t know how long you’ve been laying in bed with alex, but you’ve definitely calmed down since he brought you to bed. your head is still buried in his chest as you’re playing with his hair and he rubs your cheek with his thumb, his touch more soothing than anything else in that moment. milo comes up to the bed and lays on your side, playing with your tummy, also somehow soothing you.

”better?” you just nodded. “sorry i was at the studio all day, love... if you want me to stay with you, you can tell me and we can do whatever you want, okay?” he kissed your forehead.

“thank you, baby,” you whispered, slowly falling asleep in his arms, “i love you,” you mumbled before you fell asleep.

once he was sure you were asleep, he kissed your forehead again, milo purring as he pet him.

“i love you too.” he followed you to sleep.

[oneweirdbookaddict]

HI, Do you have any fic recs that are Four-centric and mainly angst?

Hello! I have some, actually!

Forgotten Fourth, Socialc1imb

- Much more of a four swords comic than a Four Centric fic, but it’s angsty and I love it! Always have to recommend, tho I know loz and Lu are totally different fandoms

Oh yeah summary- Vio d*es and becomes a redead. Not even LU ngl. Totally Four Swords Manga. But if you’re interested in that at all def check it out, it’s great!

Palace au, Telemna Hyelle

- One of my all time favorite fics EVER. Currently ongoing. Palace of Four Sword angst

Colors, HylianHarmony AO3

- Four vs portals

Status, Zarvasace AO3

-Also Four vs portals

This year it taught me (lost and ambitious), qar AO3 (chap six)

-Sky and the chain bonding moments, chapter six is Four’s chapter

Mom of Four, Triforce of Mischief AO3

-Hurt/comfort, Malon being wonderful

Over and Over again, universe traveler AO3

-Time loop angst!

Fractured, scrapwitch AO3

-HEART WRENCHING ANGST MY HEART OUCH SOBBING ON THE FLOOR WAILING (Four gets a glimpse of his future. Palace of 4sword angst) mind the tags!

Alone together, blueskullcandy AO3

-Four’s relationship with himself (the colors) and the chain, one of my all time faves as well!

Take a number, any Number,

-Four gets kidnapped and drugged. Def mind the tags on this one

Sorry if this makes no sense it’s five in the morning I haven’t slept at all and I’m exhausted lol

Most of these links are just to where I found the fic so some are right to AO3, some are right to a tumblr page, and some are to a tumblr page that’ll lead you to AO3 or whatever

I have some of my own fics too but honestly I’m too lazy to add them rn maybe if I ever get some sleep I can add. For now I’m assuming (since you asked me idk) that you follow me and have read my stuff lol

Also for rn I only post on tumblr (haven’t gotten to posting on AO3 yet tho I have an account now!) so it’s harder to link. It’s easy to find with my tags tho lol

Thanks for the ask!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

okay whatever!! I'm doing NaNoWriMo I guess!!!

I'm fully expecting to fall off the wagon at some point, probably this coming weekend because I'll be at a conference, but idk I like having structured writing motivations. and it's a YA thing with a VERY informal conversational voice so hopefully I can just chill and have fun.

first 1800ish words here. meet Cara, she's 18 and a werewolf and not doing so hot.

Where do I even start?

That’s not a rhetorical question, I have no idea. I’ve never really done this before, you know? I’ve never actually had to explain myself to anybody. Growing up, everyone always knew exactly who I was and what was going on.

Well, not everything. I mean, a lot of people actually had no idea what was going on with me for a really long time. That was actually part of the problem.

So suppose I start with the day that everything started falling apart? It makes as much sense as anything else.

That was the day we were supposed to be getting back to school from winter break. I remember really clearly that I slept in so late that Dad had to come and tell me it was time to get out of bed, which I he hadn’t had to do since I was a little kid and still adjusting to the routine. Every morning since I was thirteen, we get up early together to make breakfast and go patrol around the town. 

Sorry, do you know about… I mean, you obviously know what I am. That’s not what I’m talking about. But how much do you actually know about the werewolf thing? Most people don’t really know much unless they grow up in a town with a local wolf around. It’s a lot simpler than most people think it is but it’s also a lot more complicated, in other ways.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense. You remember what I said, about not being used to having to explain myself very much? 

Okay. Um. Just let me know if you have a question, I guess. Basically, what happened that morning is that Dad came and told me I had to crawl out of bed and I scrambled up and got dressed in the warmest, baggiest clothes I could find, and then we had some oatmeal together, and then we both went out back on the porch and turned into giant wolves so that we could run around the town borders and make sure nothing spooky was afoot. Got that?

Cool.

Like I said, we’d been doing that a long time. Every morning since seventh grade started, when I finally started getting a handle on my wolf stuff. And I was a real pro about it, even though I love being in bed, so I guess Dad probably thought it was weird that he had to tell me to get up. It wasn’t like I had been sleeping in over Christmas vacation; we never get a break just because of holidays. I mean, monsters don’t care that it’s Chrisitmas. Heck, the year before that we had to deal with a bunch of snowmen that came to life and started attacking people up at the ski lodge.

Did you hear about that? We did kind of blow up the lodge, but it was an accident. And it worked, so… You know.

Sorry. Am I avoiding the subject? I don’t know, I don’t think so. We haven’t even gotten to the hard stuff yet.

Me and Dad. He made oatmeal with strawberries and cream for breakfast, it was great. And then we went out to circle around Silver Falls and make sure everything was normal, which it wasn’t, but we didn’t know it yet that morning. Normally we can smell it coming miles away, right? I sort of mean that literally, because the sense of smell when you’re a wolf is like… I can’t describe it. I’ve never known how, when I’m human. It’s like having an extra eye open up seeing stuff you can only kind of squint at normally, and everything that’s usually fuzzy or invisible is suddenly so obvious. And then you change back and it’s just gone, like trying to hang onto a dream after you wake up. And our hearing is great too, which also helps. It’s hard to surprise us.

But there’s also just, like, a sense. Like a feeling, like when the town is in trouble we can feel it as clearly as if there’s something creeping up right behind us and breathing down our necks. My friend Ruby says that normal people learn not to pay attention to it when they have a feeling that something’s following them or they can’t stop glancing over their shoulders, because in normal people that’s just anxiety or paranoia. You take pills for it and go to therapy because it’s bad for you to feel like something is out to get you all the time, so you make it stop. But Dad always taught me and my brothers to listen to those instincts, because when werewolves feel like they’re in danger they’re usually right.

That morning everything was normal, though. All of the tracks in the snow were normal animals, ones that we knew. And no strange scents in the air. It was just a nice run with my dad, a good way to start the day off.

Most days actually are quiet, you know. For every day we’re tearing around town trying to catch a monster before it can kill someone, there are dozens of mornings that we just get to go for a run and stretch our legs. We can’t talk when we’re wolves but it’s still nice, hanging out. Sometimes Dad will stop to point out something cool he doesn’t want me to miss, like some baby animals or a pretty sunrise or flowers growing when it’s warm. I always get what he means. And I appreciate that he does it. We go fast when we’re wolves, like, faster than anything else can run. So it’s easy to miss things. And he always says it’s important to actually pay attention to the land and everything living on it, so that we remember why we do this and what we’re protecting. Because if you lose sight of why you do it, then you get… I don’t know. Weird?

I definitely ended up getting weird.

But we made it back to the house with no incidents, which was great. We were definitely thinking it was about time for something to happen soon, though. We never go more than a few months at a time without something cropping up in Silver Falls. The last big thing had been some gremlins at the trade school, gathering up scraps to build a mech suit. That one was… it was fun, honestly. I had never fought anything like that. And Hector thought it was really cool, because he likes robots and stuff like that. It was actually kind of downhill after that? I mean, not really, but we had kind of been getting worse since then. Like the gremlins were the last time we had something in common.

Hector was sort of my boyfriend, by the way. Or my fiancé, sort of. I don’t know, I hate that word. We weren’t even technically engaged, I guess. He had never actually proposed, but everyone knew what would happen after we graduated.

Do we have to talk about this part right now? I’m going to get to it, I swear, but there was other stuff. I swear I’m not avoiding it.

I was avoiding Hector, though. Not on purpose, it had just kind of happened over break. I don’t know, we’d been hanging out less and less, and then over break it was just so easy not to see him at all. He’d gone back to Florida with his mom for Christmas, to visit their family there, and I didn’t want to bother him. Or think about him at all, really. He’s a nice guy, really, but it was…

No, hang on. I’m doing this so out of order. We’ll get back to Hector, I swear.

Okay. Okay. So I got back home from this patrol where nothing happened, and we were running a little behind because I’d taken so long getting up, so Mom and the boys were practically already out the door. Um, I’ve got three brothers. Colin, Caleb, and Cooper. My parents liked the double C name so much for me that they just kept on rolling with it. 

The boys are all normal. Only the firstborn in each generation gets the wolf gene, and it only bounces if something happens. Like, my dad actually wasn’t supposed to be a wolf, but his brother died when he was a teenager fighting some tree monsters with my grandma. It only shifted to Dad after that, on the next full moon after his brother was gone. So Colin would only be a wolf if I died too young to have a successor, which is… I don’t know. I won’t let it happen. Colin doesn’t need to worry about that. 

It’s weird, actually. Colin was fourteen when all of this happened, and Caleb was twelve, which was how old I was when I started wolfing. And when I was twelve I felt so mature and ready to start taking all of those responsibilities on with my dad. I was so impatient for it, and I hated that it felt like I took so long. Like, I was kind of a late bloomer. But I think back to Caleb being that age, and even Colin being fourteen, and I don’t know. They’re babies. They’ve always seemed like babies to me. But I would look at my brothers and their friends and how young they were, and how totally clueless, and it just seemed crazy to me that I was already running off to life or death fights at all hours when I was their age. 

Sorry, I got sidetracked. Anyways.

So Mom was already dressed for work at school, and had the boys wrangling all of their books and lunches together and stuff, and she told me if I wanted a ride with her then I needed to move fast, so I told her not to worry about it. And she said:

“If you see Ruby before I do, give her a hug and tell her congratulations for me.”

And I didn’t know what she meant, which was weird, because Ruby was always doing something that deserved a hug and congratulations, but I also always knew what it was because Ruby was my best friend and I thought I knew about everything going on with her. But I was confused and Mom could tell, so she went:

“She got another three acceptance letters over break.”

And I said, oh, right, yeah, like I had known all about that, so Mom dropped it and gave me and Dad little kisses goodbye and left. Which was kind of silly in my case, I guess, since she worked at my school and my school wasn’t huge, so we would definitely see each other again before too long. But it was sweet, though. I don’t want to sound like I was complaining about my mom loving me or anything.

[hearthotchner]

for @my-mummy-dust

Another blurb request: the reader tiredly cuddling (basically falling asleep on Aaron) on the plane back home from a case and then maybe quite possibly when she wakes up Aaron is tucking her into her bed and she wakes up and asks him to stay with her bc she’s scared? Idk smith like that

tw; implications of sexual assault (non-consensual touching)

no matter what you did, you couldn’t get it out of your head. how his fingers dug so far into you, that they left deep crescent marks. how his hands roamed your body, gripping onto whatever part of you he could. the way he pulled you into his disgusting, sweaty chest, and calling you a “pretty little thing.”

which is why you had barely slept the night at the hotel, after the case. finding one way or another to busy yourself: watching a movie, catching up on paperwork, taking a shower — you scrubbed so hard, your skin turned red, yet you still felt filthy, still felt his vice-like hands all over you.

when it was time to get to the airstrip, you felt a sense of relief wash over you; maybe, the trained agents around you would bring some comfort.

they didn’t.

your eyelids felt so heavy, they’d constantly be closing; you only got a few seconds in, though. when his gravelly voice would begin to echo in your head, the feeling of fingers ghosted over the bruises he left, they’d snap open.

eventually, you gave up, leaving your seat to make a coffee — not noticing the second set of footsteps, following closely behind you.

a heavy hand took its place on your shoulder, “hey.”

you jumped at his sudden appearance, “hotch!”

“are you okay?” he asked, brows creased with worry.

“yeah.. i’m fine. i just, haven’t been sleeping properly.” it was half the truth, but you couldn’t say anything else. you didn’t want aaron to think you were weak, he’s been dealing with stuff worse than this for years. what would he think if you got emotional over one case? he’d probably demote you.

“alright, well, you wouldn’t mind me sitting with you, then? i’m working and i don’t wanna wake anyone else.” he was always so gentle with you, soft-spoken, you didn’t think someone like him could have a voice like that.

“not at all,” you smiled, but it didn’t quite reach your eyes.

“you know, if you’re having trouble sleeping, that’s not gonna help.” he informed, motioning toward your coffee cup. “i think there’s some chamomile tea, around here. go sit down, i’ll make you some.”

“hotch, you don’t have to.”

“but i want to. go sit down, sweetheart.” the pet name that fell from his lips, filled your stomach with little butterflies, and caused a blush to rise up your cheeks. you turned and left without an argument, after that, so he wouldn’t see the affect his words had on you.

resting your head against the window, you thought about your boss. the rest of the team always made comments about how he had a soft-spot for you, and how he’d do things for you, that he wouldn’t do for anyone else.

obviously that wasn’t true in the slightest, aaron was just a caring person in general, always looking out for everyone, especially his team.

he sighed sitting down, but gave you a quick smile,“here.”

the scent of sandalwood, with some citrus, filled the air around you — it smelled good, comforting.

“thanks,” you looked over, noticing he hadn’t brought any of his files with him, “aren’t you gonna get your stuff?”

“no, i figured i’d leave it. there’s more important things.” he turned to face you, eyes filled with worry bore into yours “are you sure you’re alright?” you nodded, wishing you could kiss away the frown etched onto his face. “i’m here if you need anything, okay?”

“okay, thanks hotch.” your voice nothing but a whisper.

you didn’t know if was the smell of his cologne, or hotch himself, that was lulling you to sleep, but you finally got to rest your eyes; neither did you know, when the wall you were laying on became so soft, firm, but soft. though, you didn’t dwell on it too much, when you slipped into the dream world, free from the events of the last few days.

—

it was a sight to see, for the bau team: their unit chief, and colleague, who swears to not have a crush on him, cuddled up together on the jet, asleep. all the frown lines, that were thought to be engraved on aaron hotchner’s face, seemed to disappear.

they made sure to send pictures to their favourite tech analyst, for safe keeping, of course.

—

“(y/n).. (y/n), wake up.” you woke up to him, gently shaking your shoulder.

“hm?”

“i’m sorry,” he whispered, “this is my third time waking you, but we have to go upstairs, to my apartment.” you murmured something in agreement, got out the car and followed him.

his apartment?

“hotch?” he hummed, in acknowledgment, his focus shifting from the ascending numbers on the lift to you, “why are we going to your apartment?” you tiredly asked, eyes still heavy with sleep.

“i figured it’d be easier to let you sleep here. i didn’t want you driving yourself home when you’re this tired, and i could give you a lift in the morning too.” he offered, “i hope that’s okay. i can take you home, if you really want. i thought the extra hour of sleep would help.”

what a gentleman, you thought to yourself. “no, it’s fine. thanks again, hotch, it means a lot.”

he was so sweet. you didn’t think it was possible to fall harder for him than you already did, before today; he always seemed to prove you wrong.

how couldn’t you fall for someone like aaron? it was inevitable.

—

pulling the covers over you, he said, “there’s an extra blanket at the foot of the bed, if it gets too cold. and, if you need anything else, let me know, okay? i’ll be in the living room.”

you insisted that you took the couch, he’d done enough for you already, but he wouldn’t accept: telling you he’d gotten enough sleep on the plane, and that he wouldn’t need anymore.

when the door clicked shut, you were left alone again, with nothing other than your thoughts, and the dark.

you tossed, and turned, not being able to calm yourself to sleep. whenever you closed your eyes, you wound up being there, with his hands all over you again.

your eyes were trained on the door, fearing that he’d burst through any minute — even though you knew he never would.

you slipped out from under the covers, and hesitantly made your way to the living room.

aaron was laying there, staring up at the ceiling, lost in his own thoughts, until a small voice filled the silence,“hotch?”

he sat up, and was met with glossy eyes, “yeah?”

“can- could you stay with me for a bit?” wiping your cheek, you continued, voice beginning to shake, “i don’t want to be alone right now.. please?” and when your voice cracked, his heart broke.

almost immediately, he got up, “yeah, okay. let’s go.” he spoke quietly, leading you back to his bedroom.

—

again, he pulled the covers over both of you, and let you cuddle into his chest, “when you’re ready to talk about it, i’ll be here to listen.” he spoke softly, covering your hand with his larger one.

“goodnight hotch.” you mumbled, eyes already closing.

“you can call me aaron,” he began to rub the back of your hand with his thumb.

“goodnight aaron.”

“sweet dreams, (y/n).” he whispered.

[tobeornottotc]

It's me lol so I have a question this maybe dumb and maybe I didnt recognize it cause my brain is rotted with this show but do u know the moment or have a guess when kinn and Porsche actually started to be in a relationship cause this whole time in ep 7 I was like wait THEY ARE TOGETHER TOGETHER NOW!!?!!?!? SINCE WHEN lol so idk if I missed it but if they did when was it i feel like i probably missed it😭

Hi my love!

Lol you’re not the only one that was at first shocked by their new relationship but I think rewatching it, it is laid out for us to see. Basically in the hospital scene Kinn asks Porsche why he came back, I think because Porsche kissed him in such a passionate and vulnerable way with both of them open to letting the one know they view them romantically, when he returned to save Kinn (but he also admits it’s because he wanted to) that essentially moved their relationship to both of them understanding how they felt.

So in the hospital side story when Porsche tries to kind of return back to their dynamic due to his uncertainty about what they were Kinn asking him to sleep by his side and then telling him that he also had done things without a reason and then asking him to call his brother sealed Porsche’s next move and confirmed their relationship. When Porsche turns to Kinn and slowly moves closer and holds his hand and then lays on him, that’s the moment they both accepted their relationship being more than what it was. They didn’t need to vocally confirm it yet or even say I love you like Porsche has done in episode 7. They both just knew that they had finally moved their relationship to a new level and that they both cared seriously about each other.

So they were meant to be in a honeymoon state but then Vegas I think disrupted that and so the focus became more on Porsche returning and Kinn asking him to be careful, but they still haven’t fully labelled what they are and they still have some moments where they don’t wanna be exposed like Kinn not wanting to be seen as jealous (because of his fathers words in his head but also pride) and Porsche trying to get that out of him. This is the reason why Porsche was very happy and turned on by Kinn showing up to save him from Vegas, that’s his man so he enjoyed Kinn showing ownership and then he switched he realised it wasn’t positive and then later exploded vulnerably that he did love him. So they both know they’re romantic and they’re meant to be in a honeymoon state where they’re just obsessed and happy with each other and also we know they’re very hungry and passionate when it comes to each other. The new change to their relationship making them more loveydovey was shown in the hospital side story (which is why they showed it to us) because it was them fully letting each other know that they were now each other’s and now together. Also it’s hinted but not fully shown (but novel readers got it) since the forest scene they haven’t been able to sleep without each other hence why it was a big deal when Kinn said you can’t sleep can you and escaped and showed up when Porsche was lovingly wanting him to give him supportive words.

I dont think their relationship is rushed it still has cracks because of unhealed truama and dangerous surroundings of the mafia setting but it makes sense how the forest scene was just them telling each other that they want to be together. Because again episode 5 after they slept together, was just Porsche trying to find out what Kinn wanted after he dealt with trauma and Kinn going to see him and then fighting in the forest at first was just them being childish but once they kissed in the waterfall they opened the gates there, then the next time they kissed was Porsche confirming for both of them what they felt and then Porsche returning and the hospital scenes convo sealed it for them.

So yep hope that helped hun ❤️

[hyunjinspark]

I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START this chapter wow wow My baby yn doesn’t deserve this 😭 but i totally get how she feels heartbreaks are shitty and moving on is shittier especially if it’s from a relationship that never happened cuz the “why not me ? what if? “ hurts so much also when yn was telling minnie and jamie about the situation with hyunjin …it really made him look like an asshole i had to stop and think about it for a second. hyunjin is a real asshole here. KAIRI AND YN being friends made me sooo happy and it helped yn be a bit more happy i loved that for her!! i love jeongin appearance in this chapter he’s so sweet

About nate tho … i love him and his character he’s been a great friend but idk kinda have this feeling that he’ll end up liking liking yn . i dont blame him tho my girl is the best . Ugh but hyunjin in this chapter made me so madddddd like broo wtf?? he’s acting like nothing happened and somewhat detached it made me a bit angry . He deserved seeing yn kissing another guy cuz honestly he fucked up royally with that conv in the storage room also him asking “is that your new boyfriend” jealousy 🤭i loved when yn was angry and they were fighting like yesss go girl be mad at him he deserves it. When chan told yn “if you ever been in love “ and she moved in front of hyunjin my heart hurt a bit yn is going through too much and he’s just so nonchalant.I’m happy for chan and kairi but at the same time sad for my girl because here chan is fighting for kairi even after their breakup but hyunjin didn’t even entertain the idea of a relationship with her she really deserves more . tbh i need a hyun pov on all of this 😭 . i need to see his thought process cuz all his decisions ever since he went back to seoul had me like “what?” “wtf” . i understand now when you said that the chapter mirrors the one at the cabin when hyun was checking yn for injury in chap 8 i was all butterflies but this chapter i was mad but with butterflies ofc 😭 Also hyun with glasses and driving 😵😵😵 putting hyun and yn in a confined space is dangerous but idk about this time since kairi and chan are with them .But honestly i don’t get hyunjin like dude you obviously like her and she does too it wouldn’t hurt to be more positive about the situation . i want yn to ignore and make him feel bad or even cry ( my heart will not handle it ) but at the same time i want then to have a heart to heart conversation and for hyunjin to open up . i miss hyunyn being in love without all this angst . yn looking at the city lights and wondering if he thinks about her…(i wonder that too) when he reminded her of the night at the château…..hah good times

i’m actually writing this at 4 am so idk if what i wrote made any sense i have to be out in 2 hours and i haven’t slept yet i don’t think i will slwy got me too excited.

AH im sorry for getting back to this after so long, but you’re so right because when yn recounts the situation to her friends with no context, hyunjin does seem like an absolute asshole 😭

i knowww. a hyun pov will definitely clear up all of questions, he certainly can be frustrating in that chapter. you want yn to make him cry? 😭💔

a heart to heart conversation is needed :( and dont worry you made complete sense haha i loved reading that !

[angelguk]

I’ve just seen your post on dating men and I just had to give my two sense because it’s also been on my mind!

I was in a long term relationship from 14 to 19, and we broke up due to us going to university in different cities. It was the best option for the two of us, but since then I haven’t been with anyone. I’ve dated, I’ve slept with people but I’ve not been in a relationship with someone.

I was always worried that it was seen as “weird” that I’ve not been in a relationship for ages (I’m 27 now, so it’s been 8 years since I was in one) and if I’m being frank, I don’t want to be in one. I’ve tried dating people, and none of them are up to my standard. I know what it’s like to be treated like shit, especially when casually dating, and I’d much rather find someone who is 100% about me than someone who’s just with me because I’m there. I’ve not found someone who has qualities that are for me. I find the dating scene at the moment a massive pile of 💩 and it’s so hard to meet people without it being on a dating app or social media.

I still feel slightly weird that I’ve been single for so long, but also I’m actually happy in my love life? It’s one of those internal things where you feel like you should be married with kids by now but that’s the furthest thing from what I want.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense but hopefully it does 😂

hi anon! thank u so much for sharing your thoughts with me :) i actually share quite a few of your experiences (first and last relationship was at 17 and i turn 22 next week 😆) and i very much get you on the dating pool rn being utter shit. im also not a fan of dating apps (feels like a human auction to me) and whenever i try and meet people organically it usually turns into a situationship instead fo something with ANY form of commitment. most situationships for me have also been very disappointing, i know what i want just like you but people often fall too short (idk if thats partially due to romance novels/media or whether men are just bad at being good partners)

honestly it's not weird that you're single rn at all! i've truly come to terms with the fact that romantic love is just one facet of possible love in my life and not the main source (i recommend reading everything i know about love by dolly alderton if you haven't read it yet!). everyone has different ideal life goals and the whole raising a family is just one option!

again thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me! <3

[nightmaree-eyess]

Do you think the DHMIS house is like the house in AHS murder house?

For people who aren’t familiar with the first season of AHS called murder house the house in the show keeps you trapped inside the house when you die and the only day you can leave the house is Halloween.

So what if the characters are dead and the characters they interact with are also ghosts of the house and they can’t truly leave because they’re dead.

Cause in the DHMIS show they were able to leave but they were always pulled back the next episode. You can get totally lost but the house will always bring you back. But in AHS the farthest you can go is just on the property.

Idk. This might make no sense to anyone cause it’s 6am and I haven’t slept yet lmao.

[kpophubb]

Morning baby 💗 💌

I hope you slept well? :) I have my training in 20 min , but I really want to write to you 💗❤️‍🩹❤️

First of all you haven’t offered me in any ways, I’m sorry that you felt that way or maybe the way I wrote was quite triggering 🥹 but you are fine , MORE THAN FINE ACTUALLY. I just read your response and literally im so happy if I actually received a real hug from u🌞🙈💖

Thank you for your understanding and efforts and just the love you put in your messages, it is really really precious to me 🥹❤️

I actually wish I could train myself to control these feelings and the need of affirmation from others. Life really doesn’t make sense for me anymore. I want to give up , but these 2 months I feel like I grew stronger and there is still something holding me back , maybe I’m afraid of dying idk . ., but im tired of living you know ? It’s so exhausting and pointless

thank you for being my safe place now , being the person I can trust and open up , I don’t want to change for the worse … and tbh I just exist doing tasks on a daily basis , thank you for being open and accepting… literally 😭🥹🥹 AHHH OMG I FEEL MY EYES GEETING WATERY NOOO🙈🙈🤧

You are very good person , amazing and I hope you will have SOOOO MANY GOOD EXPERIENCES:) also I hope my emotions and things I share aren’t influencing your day / mood 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’ll add bebe songs to our playlists :)) I love first 2 , I’m not sure if I have heard 3rd one

About book yes def :) ahowww me when u get them :))

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 🥺❤️

What are your plans for today ? Have the most wonderful day 🏞🏞🏞

~ 🐁 :)

My 🐁 anonie ~☺️💗 noooo omg I’m not even offended in the slightest so dw!!! Your emotions and rants really DO NOT affect my mood at all. Yk the reason I chose my occupation and major of medicine? It’s bc I always wanted to grow up to be kind and help people around me. I feel valid about myself when I can make others feel comforted and smile so I LOVE getting your messages and lifting u up!💖 and about being exhausted and feeling like giving up on life, I mean don’t even think it’s coming from someone really positive minded and full of happiness, but it’s coming from someone who comes from a place of being suicidal and hopeless in life too. There was once a point in my life where I just existed, cried myself to sleep everyday, and would indulge in self harm cause I hated myself and hated life. I didn’t want to live cause I felt like nothing good could come out of it. Back then, if someone told me that things are gonna get better one day and I’ll be really happy in the future, I would’ve never believed them. Heck, I’d feel like they’re all lying cz my life was so messed up I didn’t even believe I could wake up to a tomorrow where I could be at peace or smile even if it’s for a second. But after constant fighting and hanging on for 2-3 years, I came where I did today. Where I’m happy, smiling, ambitious again and thankful for all the bad things that I went through bc they made me stronger and brought me to where I am today. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That’s the truth. I’m sure you will see your rainbow soon just hang in there. By saying hanging in there I mean cry, feel sad, fall down, get tired, doubt yourself but crawl back up again with the remaining of your strength. And never feel like there’s no hope cause there will ALWAYS be hope no matter how ugly situation you’re faced with. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but someday you will DEFINITELY be happy and look back and be grateful for enduring it all. 💓

And aww 🥺 idk if I’m a good person yet but I try to be and improve myself everyday. Baby steps towards my dream person slowly!💖 and I’m glad I can make you feel safe. There’s nth more reassuring than having someone who listens to everything you gotta say without judging you and understanding you, ik. As for what I’m gonna do today, aaah idk yet. 😩 probs gonna just lie down and eat a lot. Bc my books haven’t arrived yet and and I bought a new makeup palette a few days ago?🤣 I just wanna try it out even tho I’m not that much into makeup. I barely wear it! And IM EXCITED BC MY SKZ ALBUM IS OTW and I wanna order manifesto:day 1 enhypen albums!! I saved money for that 🥹 but the kpop store isn’t replying to my msgs yet and I’m so impatient.🥲 I love youuuu saurr much too (says it in jakey’s aussie accent) and have a great day❤️🥰 DID YOU KNOW BEBE REXHA DID A REMIX W ITZY??????!! THAT TOO OF ONE OF MY FAV SONGS OF HERS ITS GONNA BE RELEASED TMRW IM SHAKING IM SO EXCITEDD!!!😭😭😭😭I’m in a really good mood today bc my jakey is all recovered from covid! Man, I prayed for my love so so much and I couldn’t be more grateful to god that he’s healthy and active again!💗💗🤲🏻

[rolling-restart]

Nico/Jenson anon from ao3, I’ll try to write your prompt!!

And at some point, I can even pick up ick challange again, idk! I still haven’t slept yet! So let me know if I don’t make sense!

[archetypal-archivist]

Rant incoming- me being upset with myself and my poor self-care. May delete this later, idk. Seriously, long and ramble-y. 

Can I just say how pissed off and annoyed I am that I once again fucked up my body? Seriously, again. It’s so dumb, especially since it’s not really in the “this is immediately concerning, get to a doctor” way, and it’s not a self-harm way, and it’s definitely not a “this was intentional” way.

I just didn’t eat enough. Or sleep enough. Or the right amounts. Or at the right time. And not because I set out to do that, but simply because I got so caught up in other things and I just didn’t care enough to pay attention beyond a “Huh. I’m fucked up,” several days too late.

Again, it’s so dumb. See, somehow I’ve gotten to the point where I’m headachy all too often, I get cold and sleepy after eating anything at all, I don’t feel hungry most of the time, and I’m sleeping but it’s from 8 or 9 am to 5 pm. I stay up too late so I go to sleep at a weird hour and my schedule is forgiving enough to just let me. I eat at a weird hour because it’s been nearly 18 since I ate last and that was a piece of brioche bread and some water and now I’m starving. Or it’s dinnertime, but I’m not feeling hungry and I want to finish this piece of homework so I just choose not to eat and then I look up and it’s 3 am.

And now all the effects of that are slamming me all at once at a time when I need to be on normal human-person time, and it’s incredibly frustrating because there’s no way to speed run recovering from this without a very unhealthy hard reset. I know this, because this has happened before. A lot.

This exact damn pattern happens over and over again and it’s never intentional- it’s just that I don’t care enough about myself and what my body and common sense tell me. I know exactly what I need to do to live a normal, healthy life with good habits and yet I consistently don’t because changing myself takes effort. Or even when it doesn’t take effort, even when I have done a hard reset- haven’t slept in so long that I crash at 10 pm and sleep until 9 am, skipped dinner because I was sleepy and now I want breakfast... Even then it’s all too easy to fall back into poor habits because I like being nocturnal. I like playing games for hours on end, because the enjoyment I get from that outweighs how nice it feels to eat.

That’s not to say I’m not careful of course. I’ve never fainted, or fallen asleep somewhere dangerous. The meals I do eat are carefully proportioned and balanced to include all the food groups and nutrients I need. I’m not malnourished, I’m simply not eating enough. I am fully functional as a person, but I’m often operating at half-capacity for so long that I mistake it for full capacity. In all honesty, I have no idea what I can do when well-rested, well-fed, and with a healthy schedule that lasts longer than two weeks because I haven’t been that way in ages. 

Do you know? I’ve accidentally skipped meals to the point where I’ve made myself nauseous. I know how to coax food into a starving body and what’s safe to eat when you don’t feel up to eating because I have been there. I have felt cold and shivery all too often because I’m low on calories, and right now, as soon as I eat after a solid 20 hours with nothing but water, instant noodles, and fruit in the middle, I feel a burst of aching cold and exhaustion. 

It’s so dumb. I know why it’s happening. I know exactly what got me to this point. And yet it feels so stupid because I ought to be better than this, my body should know better than to throw a fit, because it’s been here before and every time I’ve bounced back. I dunno, just. I feel bad. I feel bad right now and it sucks and I hate it and I’m frustrated.

Because guess what? I know this is going to happen it the future. I know I’m going to be right back here because “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is something very real in an awful way. And every time this happens, I get a little more used to feeling this way and thus the alarm signals start blaring a little later than they did before- or I don’t “feel bad enough” to stop and actually start self-caring it up. Because if I felt so awful last time and made it through unscathed, then surely I don’t need to stop and hard reset just yet, right?

Just. Uggghhhhh. And once again, I know how bad all of this is. I am well aware that this will have long term, invisible consequences in the future. I’m not stupid, I know what I’m getting into. I just can’t convince myself to care. As BBC Sherlock often called it, “it’s just transport.” The body is a thing that gets you from one place to another and suitable determination and an ability to ignore what it tells you allows you to push it a lot farther than one might think.

Again- none of this is intentional self harm. I’m not happy that I live like this. I’m not happy that I can’t bring myself to care- to put the effort in. I’ve done therapy for this stuff and the general response was “Either fix the problem or live with it. So long as the system you have works for you, and you don’t feel inclined to put in the effort to change it, the best thing you can do for your mental health is to stop beating yourself up over it.”

And yes, that’s wise. That’s more or less where I’ve settled right now. But I’m also acutely aware that there will be a point in time where I push myself too hard, too far, and things just collapse in on themselves. It’s simply not sustainable and there’s a ton of problems that come with how I live. And yet at the same time, I’m generally functional as a person and I’ve yet to damage myself on the short term enough to need immediate intervention.

In short... situation’s fucked, y’all.