sputnikodin · 8 months ago
Text
as someone who can be quite unempathetic and involuntarily emotionally shielded from matters of tragedy and injustice sometimes (but still, obviously, recognizes his own responsibility as a moral actor regardless of how he feels that day and does his best to act in accordance with carefully considered values at all times) it really bugs me when people r like "having less empathy can make you more logical about things" no it fuckin doesn't ............... Believe me no it fuckin doesn't
8 notes · View notes
nancywheeeler · 2 years ago
Note
📔📖📕?
three fandoms for the price of one!
(more) Ted Lasso:
okay, so one of my all-time favorite 90s movies is The Fully Monty and i think it would be such a fun AU for TL. the movie's themes overlap with a lot of what Ted Lasso's got going on (mental health, insecurity, father/son relationship, and how everything is wrapped up in men's relationship to their masculinity) and some of things Ted Lasso hasn't really addressed (yet) like class and sexuality. Plus stripper Ted! and the rest of our Diamond Dogs fit really well with the other characters (Beard as the best friend, Nate as the younger, insecure guy they help with his self-esteem, Higgins as the one who teaches them how to dance, Roy as the grump who is surprisingly good at dancing (definitely thanks to the yoga moms), throw Jamie in there as the hot guy lol). i could also see it as either Rebecca/Ted (she owns the club where the guys want to put on their strip show) or Trent/Ted (trent discovering what the guys are up to and sticking around to write an article about how the state of immigration affairs is so bad this poor man is putting on a strip show to get money to stay with his son; in this AU, i imagine michelle has a job in the UK). who knows if i'll ever write it but i'm thinking thoughts!
Stranger Things:
i'm going to keep the plot i've tentatively started drafting under wraps for now, but i have sent so many ST fic ideas to the graveyard over the years (rip the Will-centric ready player one AU, my beloved). a recent one that will haunt me for a while is a Station Eleven-inspired post-canon where our gang technically won the war against Vecna / the Upside Down, but it has inadvertently caused the apocalypse. while the rest of our gang has scattered across the country, trying to pick up the pieces of the world, Steve is one of the last holdouts in Hawkins. Meanwhile, Eddie has been traveling around as a wayfaring musician. idk it would be a little western-inspired because i've always loved western aesthetics in the apocalypse (stranger stumbling into town! nature running wild again! outlaws abound!). who knows what the plot would be other than finding a sense of home again. but i love that Station Eleven idea of art surviving the apocalypse and how it fosters community and i don't know!! maybe one day i'll figure out what this rambling would be about.
Dead Poets Society:
to anyone who ever subscribed to me / followed me for DPS, i am so so sorry. i wanna get back on the horse! i'm not sure if this is the plot i'll go for when i do (i once promised a Charlie POV of my good grief series and i do have some scenes of that drafted), but i have been toying with a While You Were Sleeping AU.......just thinking about Neil Perry being "in love" with Jeffrey Anderson who he has never actually spoken to. Accident happens, Jeff's in a coma, his friends and family think Neil is his fiancee, chaos ensues as Neil starts falling for Jeff's brother, Todd instead. This or my 80s The Sure Thing road trip from hell AU.......they compel me!
(Put "📓" or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I'll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven't written but daydream about.)
2 notes · View notes
forestlingincorporated · 4 years ago
Text
I wanna talk about Janet Drake
I’m not against exaggeratedly evil versions of Tim’s parents, tbh. It’s fanfiction, if we can depict an Exaggeratedly Good version of Bruce (which we can, and I do, and I love) then we can depict the Drakes as Exaggeratedly Bad. As someone who personally identifies with Tim, and his brand of complicated parental abuse in particular, I find it cathartic to uncomplicate that abuse and rescue him from the Obviously Evil Bad People. 
That said, since much of comics lore is passed down word of mouth, the oral tradition surrounding Tim has developed this idea of Janet as The Worse Parent between her and Jack that was never really present in the comics. We see much LESS of Janet, and we have 20 years worth of comics depicting Jack as a neglectful hotheaded idiot who ultimate does love his son. More importantly, Jack isn’t very much LIKE Tim, so there is a habit to attribute Tim’s traits to his mother... and, as someone who really really identifies with Tim, Tim has... some negative traits. Tim can be a bitch sometimes. He’s fiercely intelligent and sweet and kind, with a strong sense of justice, but he can be cold and judgmental and unthinking - he fights those traits, but he does have them. 
And it is perfectly fine to depict Janet that way. I’ve enjoyed depictions of Cold Calculating Janet Drake, but it’s not the ONLY option, and I want to challenge fans to consider different avenues. Tim could pick up these traits from anywhere: a nanny, Mrs. Mc Ilvaine (”Mrs. Mac”), a teacher, tv, Sherlock Holmes novels, Bruce Wayne himself. Tim is capable of not being like EITHER parent. 
So, what do we KNOW about Janet? (I’ll also touch on Jack, but only in scenes he appears with Janet.) 
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
When Janet was first introduced she was depicted as a gentle but “modern” woman. This was written in 1989, told by a 13 year old Tim, so this theoretically was meant to take place in 1979. I’m not here to give a lecture on the history of sex discrimination in the united states, but much of the legislation protecting women in the workforce or surrounding women’s bodily autonomy would have been very very new in this initial depiction. 
Here, Janet is shown to be encouraging, emotional, maternal, and projects her own feelings onto Tim. Jack is shown to be slightly sexist, possibly discouraging, but not overbearing. And the artist is shown not to know how to draw children. 
To insert some speculation, I think it’s important to note all the Drakes witnessed a terrible murder/accident that day. I point this out, because this is the last time Jack and Janet are depicted this way. It’s possible they changed as a result of this event specifically. 
However, this is also a story being told by Tim. It’s also possible these events aren’t really “real” at all, and Tim is misremembering what his parents were like as a three-year-old, possibly projecting a more palatable version of his parents into the narrative. This is entirely up to personal interpretation. 
Tumblr media
In fact, the Drakes are shown in Legend of the Dark Knight attending Haly’s Circus, and the artist knows what a toddler looks like and they’re depicted as already having a slightly strained relationship. Jack is clearly on the defensive, and Janet seems to be passive-aggressive, though she could just be attempting to explain the situation to her toddler honestly. The intended tone isn’t especially clear. 
I do want to point out, in this depiction, Tim isn’t being carried like he was in the previous one. He’s walking ahead of his parents, which isn’t a terrible horrible crime, but could be dangerous in a crowded place like the circus. Might be a subtle hint to his parents overall neglect. 
Tumblr media
Back to A Lonely Place of Dying, in Tim’s memories of the night he discovered Robin and Dick Grayson were the same person at nine-years-old, his parents are home, and watching TV together while Tim played... trucks, idk, in the living room with them. (This is semi-interesting, because you could say “oh, Tim liked vehicle toys as a kid” or you could extrapolate that this is another subtle indication of Jack’s sexism, providing Tim with appropriately “boy toys.” Either interpretation is valid. If Tim was assigned female at birth, would they have been given “girl toys,” or allowed to play with whatever they wanted?) 
This is, to my knowledge, the only panel of the Drakes when Tim is between ages 3 and 13. They’re all together, which might indicate that the Drakes were home more often when Tim was 9, only later going on business trips when Tim was “old enough” but... 
Tumblr media
This is Tim’s boarding school when he’s 13. While most boarding schools in the US are for grades 9-12, Tim is clearly not a freshman at age 13; look how much younger the other kids in this panel are. In the US, the youngest you can attend most boarding schools is 7. 
That means Tim could have begun going to boarding school anytime between 7 and 13. He most likely spent all of middle school in boarding school, at least. There are an almost infinite number of possible ways the Drakes handled having a business that required lots of international travel, an archeology hobby, AND a very young child. Janet staying home until Tim was 7, 11, 13, is equally possible as the Drakes having a nanny until 7, 11, 13. Tim just doesn’t talk about that period of his life very much.
(”What about Mrs. Mac?” - it is unclear when Mrs. Mac begins working for the Drakes. We only see her when Jack comes out of his coma. She could either be a long standing staff member, or a recent hire.) 
Note: I’ve seen it said that it’s canon that “According to Tim, when his parents were home, they made a point to try and include him in their activities, bringing him along to events that were normally adults only.” I have never seen this panel, or I don’t remember it, so I cannot confirm, but I also cannot debunk this because... comics. 
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
By the time Tim is 13, Jack and Janet are away on business trips a lot, with limited communication, and no firm return date. If I’m feeling generous, I’d say it was harder to communicate internationally in 1990 than it is today. If I’m not feeling generous, I’d say the Drakes are extremely wealthy, and international communication was easier than ever before in the 80s and 90s. They’re not even going home to see Tim in a week or two, they’re going home and calling Tim at boarding school in a week or two. 
Even Bruce thinks its weird, though he doesn’t say so to Tim’s face. It’s written almost as if Tim’s parents’ neglect was meant to be a plot point that just got forgotten about. 
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Tim’s parents are fighting at this point (their poor assistant), but Janet still goes with Jack on these business trips. And she’s clearly involved in the business, somehow, but the comics never SAY what Janet’s JOB is. We’re told Jack is the exec, but Janet is ONLY ever referred to as Jack’s wife, though they’re later described as the “heads” of the company, plural. 
Just to be clear, this is Jack’s business. There’s a perception that Jack is a bad business man because he and Janet fight over company decisions, and Jack looses the business after Janet dies, but Jack looses the company YEARS after Janet dies, and maintains it for about a year after No Man’s Land at that. We’re not told how Jack looses the business, but he’s got to be doing something right. Janet isn’t necessarily the “real brains” of Drake Industries. 
And I’m not... gonna... touch the... exploitation and racism because... I’m not qualified to do that. But, here’s the panel. The Drakes sure seem exploitative and racist in their business decisions. Someone else can... analyze that with more nuance. 
Tumblr media
Regardless how how long they’ve been fighting, when their lives are in danger, the Drakes fall back into a loving husband and wife. Their marriage may be falling apart, but they do care about each other. 
Tumblr media Tumblr media
I want to show these panels because it shows that Tim and Jack do have things in common. They’re both level headed in a crisis and can be somewhat cold in their practicality. Janet meanwhile and silent. Jack is later willing rant and rave at their captors, but Janet remains silent. 
Tumblr media
That is, until they’re alone, and she finally lets herself fall apart. 
Tumblr media Tumblr media
God, Jack can be obnoxious. Janet just looks miserable and resigned. I actually think Tim takes after his parents in this respect in equal measure. Tim can have a temper, but he can also be fairly melancholy and defeatist. 
Jack keeps reminding Janet to be strong and in control, which could be period typical sexism? But Jack seems so practiced and ready with the words of encouragement, and with Tim’s history with depression, I wonder if Janet has an inclination towards it as well. 
Tumblr media
As the end approaches, when Jack brings up Tim, Janet seems to have a lot of regret. She talks about “wasting” the good things, and I don’t think it’s too big of a stretch to assume she’s talking about time spent with her only child. 
Tumblr media
From this point on, Janet is at times spoken of, but not seen. Like here, when Jack says Janet wouldn’t approve of him and Tim being so “far apart.” He says this after he tells him he takes back his threat to send him back to boarding school, which might imply Janet was against the idea of boarding school? Though she obviously lost that argument when she was alive. 
Jack will of course renege on this later, but that’s Jack Drake for you. 
Tumblr media
Or here in Tim’s illness induced dream, where he gets everything he wants. Though, since this is a fantasy of Tim’s, where his father and girlfriend are both more accepting and understanding than they are in real life, I would take this depiction of Janet with a grain of salt. 
Tumblr media
After loosing Drake Industries, Jack thinks about Janet (though, they call her Catherine/Cathy for some fucking reason) during his depressive episode. And... uh... 
Tumblr media
Hallucinates a Valkyrie???? Is this symbolic of suicidal thoughts, or is she... real? Or is he seriously hallucinating? 
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Anyway, we’re not here to discuss Jack’s mental state, the fact that he forgot Tim’s birthday, or that concerning “I was going to knock some sense into you but you’re still bigger than me” statement from Tim, we’re here to talk about Janet. And even though this entire arc is about Jack mourning his first wife, they don’t SAY anything about Janet herself at all. I mean, they don’t even get her name right, so I guess what was I expecting. 
Tumblr media
Then there’s Origins and Omens, which also doesn’t say anything about Janet, except that Tim’s memory of her is faulty - Janet was poisoned, her assistant Jeremy’s throat was slit on television, but Tim seems to have conflated the death he did see with the death he didn’t. 
Tumblr media
The only piece of canon to suggest that Janet might be cold, is Tim compares her to Thalia. And even then, he’s really just saying Janet was protective of him. It’s kind of a scary look to make at your kid, but Bruce does the same thing, so. 
I do want to say... it’s not 100% clear if Tim is even talking about Janet. He could be talking about Dana. Dana was observably protective of Tim, though I don’t think he’s ever called her mom. He PROBABLY means Janet. 
Tumblr media
And finally we have Tim visiting his mother’s grave (in a duel Christian/Jewish cemetery, make of that what you will), where Tim says she was “a little religious.”
And that’s it! That is all we know about Janet Drake in New Earth. Hardly the Mom From Hell, but she isn’t perfect. I’d be interested in seeing some alternate depictions of her within the fandom. 
I’m still gonna eat up Terrible Parents From Hell like a starving puppy dog, though. Just some food for creative thought. 
1K notes · View notes
Text
Bad Manners (S2, E5)
Tumblr media
My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.
SPOILERS AHEAD:
0:35 - Martin totally thought John Watkins abducted and killed Ainsley. Mark my words. 
0:44 - Holy. Shit. Ainsley is FIVE years old (or younger) here right? A five year old with that much determination?!?! She literally stayed silent in that clock for probably hours......and no one was concerned about this kid when Martin was arrested because...?
1:09 - Anyone else impressed with Malcolm’s aim here? Just me?
1:20 - Gil and Malcolm talking about sleep and murder is so freaking sweet. <3 Honestly, they’re acting like friends instead of co-workers and it warms my cold dead heart. 
1:29 - Does Gil become a grumpy old man when he doesn’t get 8 hours sleep? I really want to know now. 
1:39 - OMG. Gil pointing at Ainsley here is hilarious. He’s totally acting like some weird mix of a stern pissed off high-school teacher, and a step-dad trying to discipline an unruly teen. hahaha AND MALCOLM’S FACE. Look how done Malcolm is. He looks so so tired, sad, and exasperated. 
1:44 - Wow. Girl power. Ainsley has those camera guys bending to her will. I honestly would’ve thought they would just read the situation and turn the camera off themselves. 
1:47 - “It’s not a game.” Yikes. I have thoughts about this:
Malcolm is right - it’s not a game. 
Malcolm is a bit of a hypocrite for saying that to Ainsley. Although, to his credit even when Malcolm is excited/inappropriately happy about murder it’s always pretty clear that he thinks murder is wrong, and that he has sympathy for the victims and their families. 
Ainsley does not have that same sympathy for the victims. That much is clear later in this episode. 
Pretty sure the writers are trying to turn Ainsley into a serial killer this season. 
2:13 - “You know I like to share these things with my friends.” .....does this mean Malcolm thinks Dani and JT are his friends now? Last I checked (Ep 1x05) Malcolm didn’t have friends. This absolutely melts my heart. <3 I’m honestly so happy that Malcolm considers someone other than Gil to be his friend.
2:18 - “We lost Dani to vice.” .....What is vice? AND WHAT IS THE REAL LIFE REASON THAT DANI WASN’T IN THIS EPISODE?!? 
2:19 - Edrisa has a medical degree right? She has to know how dangerous consuming that much caffeine is right? Plus aren’t energy drinks super dangerous if you drink a lot of them (or maybe that’s just what adults in my neighbourhood told kids)?
2:30 - Edrisa SHINES in this episode. She’s so funny and awkward and I just love her. 
2:36 - hahaha Gil has adopted the whole team. Look at him throwing the “Dad warning stare” at Edrisa. 
3:31 - Why does Edrisa start bouncing around looking upset when Malcolm says, “rejection is a powerful motivator”?!?! Has she recently been broken up with or something? Is this a reference to how she has a crush on Malcolm (who doesn’t reciprocate)? I WANT MORE INFORMATION.
3:47 - TWIZZLERS!!! <3 Damn I love how this tiny detail about Malcolm’s character keeps coming up. 
3:55 - Ainsley is on a rampage this episode. She’s so determined ...actually she’s acting a lot like Jessica (think girl in the box bracelet). However, unlike Jessica, Ainsley’s motives aren’t about justice or the safety of her loved ones.  Ainsley is chasing personal gain (career) with a side of (a subconscious?) need to be exposed to murder and her father’s twisted world. 
4:05 - This whole interaction between Ainsley and Malcolm is really interesting. Ainsley is knowingly manipulating Malcolm to get the answers she wants. We’ve seen her do it in 2x4 and 1x19. She knows her big brother would do anything for her. It makes sense, they’re five years apart and after the trauma they experienced as children Malcolm felt responsible to protect Ainsley. He never wants to disappoint Ainsley. Not a burden he should’ve had to deal with but I digress. PLUS Malcolm looks weary of Ainsley here. He knows what she’s doing. He’s scared that she’s turning to the dark side. But he still gives her the answers because if he doesn’t - that means something has changed. He thinks that would make Ainsley suspicious and then she might remember what happened to Endicott. He’s scared of and for Ainsley. 
4:32 - OKAY. I’ll say it. The thing that annoys me the most about this episode is that it suggests that Ainsley was a debutant when in 1x6 AINSLEY TELLS MARTIN SHE WAS NEVER A DEBUTANT. She went to etiquette school - I guess that doesn’t strictly mean she also did debutant balls but it sort of suggests it in the context of this episode? Did she actually graduate from the etiquette school (there was bullying, maybe she was expelled/dropped out similar to Malcolm and Remington?)?
4:59 - “No stabbies” OMG. How is this show not classified as a comedy?!? Istg I laugh harder watching this ‘drama’ then I do watching most of the shows that call themselves ‘comedies’.
5:35 - It’s honestly kind of amazing that Ainsley and Malcolm are as ‘sane’ as they are. They were raised by a stubborn predatory psychopath and a stubborn rich meddling socialite. They had no chance of normalcy. Look at the amount of pleasure Martin is currently getting by throwing his son under the bus with regards to Jessica. 
 5:45 - “No actually, I cleaned it up.”.....does this have a dual meaning? Did Martin do something to make Malcolm dispose of the body? We already know that Martin has tried some sort of conditioning on Malcolm (remember ‘C’mon boy!’ from 1x14? The stabbing?). What if Martin said some sort of trigger word to control Malcolm and coerced Malcolm into getting rid of the body? What if this isn’t the first time?
6:05 - Ainsley is a sociopath. I’m calling it again. I called it when I first watched Q&A (1x7) because the way she treated Malcolm was more than just selfish/careless. It was cruel and she didn’t feel any remorse for literally broadcasting her brother’s private health details on television. That is messed up. I honestly won’t be shocked if the writers make Ainsley a full blown serial killers (although I’m not sure I want that because I don’t know how Malcolm would remain the main character if the story goes in that direction?). 
6:12 - Poor Jessica. I honestly feel really bad for her. Sure, she’s a headstrong alcohol dependant crazy rich woman. She also has a good heart. She’s been dealt a pretty shitty hand when it comes to relationships (minus Gil but she ruined that because she’s a MORON) and now she’s terrified that her own children have become monsters and she blames herself. She definitely hasn’t been a perfect mother but I don’t think she’s to blame for Ainsley and Malcolm’s obsession with murder. If these kids had a different bio dad, they would probably just have a low-key drug problem or some other common rich kid baggage. 
6:15 - “You know that’s not how cancer works right?” LOL. hahahaha
6:33 - Martin kind of has a point. There’s no rehab for murder. That’s why he’s been in jail for 20 years and he still wants to kill people. In my opinion, given what we’ve seen of Ainsley’s personality: as soon as she fully remembers that night - she’s gone. She’ll go full serial killer and Jessica and Malcolm will lose her forever. 
6:40 - Jessica’s little jazz hand finger twinkle as she spins on her heel and leaves Martin kills me. It’s so extra. It’s so funny. And it’s sooo Jessica. 
6:47 - Damn. Martin is pissed. I’m worried. That’s murder-level rage. If he escapes ISTG Martin is going to try and kill Gil. For so many reasons 1) because he hates Gil, 2) it’ll hurt Jessica, and 3) killing Gil will eliminate his ‘Dad’ competition. 
6:54 - Edrisa on caffeine is AMAZING.
7:43 - I love Edrisa but her blatant, unreciprocated crush on Malcolm is honestly getting a little creepy. 
7:52 - Gil spent all last season drinking out of a Yankee’s mug. Doesn’t that mean he’s a baseball fan? Why doesn’t he know this pitcher guy?
7:56 - hahahaa “Where is JT?” Because obviously JT is the team sports fan. 
8:22 - Does Gil get nightmares about cases? He always seems really uncomfortable around the dead bodies. 
8:45 - “And suddenly I’m wide awake” SERIOUSLY - is anyone else laughing every 60 seconds when they watch this show? Is my sense of humour just super dark and messed up?
8:54 - YES. The liquorice is BACK.
9:00 - I love Malcolm talking to JT about his obsession with candy. I love how Malcolm doesn’t even hesitate before giving JT an honest answer. Malcolm is acting like JT’s annoying little brother and I am here for it. One thing I did notice though - Malcolm specifically mentions candy+dopamine but doesn’t mention his depression/anxiety. Processed sugar can be a short-term (unhealthy) way to boost your mood. It’s why some people eat their feelings. I really want more backstory about Malcolm with the lollipops and licorice though. 
9:19 - “But you didn’t do anything wrong.” Awwww Malcolm is so soft here. I love how much he genuinely cares about JT. <3 I love how JT is comfortable enough with Malcolm to give him an honest answer. <3 THEIR RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE THROUGH SUCH A GLOW UP. <3 
9:32 - “Like toy dolls?” hahaha the way Malcolm perked up here. All I could think was “SQUIRREL!” hahaha. 
9:41 - Malcolm is doing better than he has been the past few episodes? I mean he’s still suffering and he’s still in a terrible mental state. BUT he also seems happier? IDK maybe he’s just entered the more manic nervous energy stage of his emotions as opposed to the depressed and scared stage. 
9:49 - “Deep childhood trauma”. So we’re looking for a debutant killer with childhood trauma who is chasing perfection? Debutant = rich lady culture. Like Ainsley. AND Ainsley went to the same etiquette school as the first two victims. The writer’s wanted us to assume the killer was Ainsley for the first 15 mins of this episode right? I’m not the only one seeing it?
10:04 - “My sister went there too.” ....why is there something super attractive about the way that line was delivered?
10:08 - I’m so done with this absolute tom foolery. Why does the team keep splitting up into two teams - where one team is JUST MALCOLM. The one who is unarmed and technically a civilian?!? This makes no logical sense to me (except for plot).
10:25 - Was Martin just about to say, “Just like the old days”?!? Is Martin referring to Endicott? OR is Martin referring to something that Malcolm’s repressed from his childhood?
10:30 - “I always root for the bad guys.” .....finally some truth from Martin.
10:40 - Soooooo I guess Mr. David doesn’t know? I promise you Mr. David has suspicions though. How could he not?!?!
11:24 - “It was brutal for Ains.” Look at how sad Malcolm is! Ugh. This hurts so much. He clearly loves his sister so so much and what she’s done is slowly killing him. I honestly think that part of the reason Malcolm helped Ainsley dispose of the body is that Malcolm doesn’t want to loose his sister. His sister is one of the only good things he’s always been able to count on. If word gets around that she’s a killer - Malcolm’s fragile world gets shattered a little more and I don’t know if Malcolm can recover mentally from that. 
11:36 - “Teasing made her capable of...stuff.” C’MON. There’s no way Mr. David doesn’t know. 
11:45 - Sooo is Martin saying that he recognized that Ainsley was a sociopath when she was a small child? Or did she just respond to his (or John Watkins’) grooming much ‘better’ than Malcolm?
11:56 - “Because she’s her mother’s” Okay. So I see the point. I can see that Ainsley is driven and stubborn like Jessica. BUT it feels like Martin is suggesting that Jessica is capable of murder? Which - I honestly don’t think she is. If anything - Malcolm is more like Jessica than Ainsley is.
11:59 - There was a look in Martin’s eyes when he was comparing Ainsley to Jessica that really freaked me out. I can’t figure out why. It makes me wonder if Martin still somehow views Jessica as ‘his possession’ (he refers to her as his wife all the time but I always assumed that was just to get a rise out of people?). Martin’s dream from 2x4 certainly suggests that he still wants Jessica romantically. I honestly think he’s going to try to escape and rekindle the romance with Jess; and it’s going to go very poorly when Jessica rejects him. 
12:06 - Preach JT. Preach. This is creepy af. 
13:00 - Ugh. Of course this creep has a history of indecent exposure. Now I understand why Gil and JT were hostile with the dude right from the start. 
13:12 - Man. People will use the Bible to justify anything. No wonder people hate Christians ( I say this as a practicing Christian).
13:18 - JT is such a good dude. I’m so glad he’s a dad now. <3 He’s going to be such a good one. <3
13:26 - “One phone call and this place will be shut down.” OH SHIT. GIL THAT IS VICIOUS AND I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
13:35 - I soooo thought that dude was going to sprint out of that room. 
14:30 - THIS. YES. This is why I have a problem with Ainsley’s enthusiasm for murder vs. Malcolm’s. Ainsley’s enthusiasm is centred on her nee to ‘get the story’. She’s obsessed with forwarding her career and as a result she’s treating crime like a competitive sport. Malcolm’s obsession (while it can border on creepy and reckless) is always centred on his need to find the killer and stop the murders. Malcolm is seeking justice and his heart is in the right place. I can’t say the same for Ainsley.
14:31 - “We’re brother and sister, everything is a competitive sport”.....whoever wrote this doesn’t have a sibling they experienced trauma with as a kid (and as a result was raised by a single parent). Seriously, my dad was abusive he lived with us until I was 10 and my brother was 7. Then my parents got divorced and my mom was a single parent (he didn’t pay child support or see his kids after the divorce). Are my brother and I competitive? Sure sometimes. But the way we grew up forced us to become partners. Annoyed with Mom? Let’s rant about it together. Is he struggling in math? I’ll tutor him in exchange for a Reese cup. Am I struggling at daycare because I have massive social anxiety? He’ll include me in whatever he’s doing so I’m not sitting alone in a corner. My point: siblings who experience trauma together don’t have the typical sibling relationships that are widely televised in North America. There’s a lot less fighting and competition and a lot more teaming up and commiserating. 
14:39 - “It. It’s terrible.” - Notice how Ainsley didn’t actually say how it made her feel? She gave the standard “TV response” to a murder “a terrible/horrific/tragedy has occurred”. She doesn’t feel bad that these women are dead. She’s too consumed with getting a story to even stop and let herself feel anything. I’ve been saying it since last season - the way Ainsley shows no regard for other people and their feelings when she’s obsessed with her job is concerning. 
14:50 - “Remind me of the people who cut us off after Dad’s arrest.” ...Are you kidding me?!? The whole fandom has been speculating about this since early season one and they’re not going to elaborate on that line?!? I’m going to need some more information about this and it better be in the upcoming episode where Jessica’s younger sister appears. 
15:40 - She thinks of her students as family? Sooo what does she think of Ainsley? Wasn’t Ainsley bullied at this school? Did she do anything about it? 
16:00 - this is like a ‘weekend/evening school’ right? Kids aren’t living in this house like a boarding school/summer camp?
16:01 - “Mr. Whitly” UGH. This bitch preaches etiquette and she doesn’t even have the common courtesy to call Malcolm by the name with which he introduced himself? Nah. I don’t like her. 
16:13 - Ugh. Ainsley, seriously? Why don’t you help your brother solve the case. AND PREVENT MORE MURDERS. Why are you indirectly but purposely obstructing justice?
16:37 - “Of course.” Huh. Do you think Martin might try and manipulate Ainsley into killing Malcolm? Ainsley definitely capable of it. She doesn’t actually seem to care about Malcolm nearly as much as he cares about her. 
17:17 - WTF?!? That’s creepy af. How did no one in this show think this assistant was a suspect? She has a super creepy doll that she ‘forgot’ on the floor the middle of a hallway. AND THE DOLL WAS STANDING UP. Not sitting, not dropped carelessly, STANDING UP.
17:30 - Look at Malcolm’s face. He’s definitely going to be having nightmares about that doll. 
18:25 - OMG. This was amazing. JT just totally bulldozed his way into catching that dude. Very badass. Also kind of funny (maybe that’s just my messed up sense of humour again?).
18:44 - Ugh. This dude has a thing for dolls. I don’t want to kink shame but - no. no. There’s something really gross about that.  
18:48 - I’ve seen some people say that this doll looks like Ainsley and how that’s supposed to be some sort of foreshadowing/symbolism. I kind of see it? I mean the hair colour is similar and if you pause the screen at 18:48 the angle kind of looks like Ainsley? It would be an interesting metaphor though - Ainsley played with dolls as a little girl. John Watkins gave her angel statues. She is Watkins’ and Martin’s doll’ in the sense that she was the object that murders manipulated/groomed. 
18:53 - Then again, pause the screen here and there’s something about the facial structure that looks like Dani to me. 
19:00 - Jessica lets Ainsley work in the murder office?!? No. No she doesn’t. This is garbage. Jessica would’ve forbade it. Jessica would’ve bordered up this room immediately after Watkins.
19:57 - Poor Jessica. She’s clearly terrified that she’s losing Ainsley and terrified of Ainsley. BUT Jess, sweetie, running to Europe won’t fix this. 
20:16 - “She wanted the dolls to look like her students.” AND PEOPLE SEND THEIR CHILDREN TO HER?!? WTF?!? NO. NO. NO. NOT OKAY. 
20:31 - HAHA look at Gil’s face when Trevor tells him he can make the ‘perfect woman’. Gil’s like WTF - can I arrest you for thinking you can fabricate a ‘perfect woman’?!!?
21:06 - Malcolm is having so much fun playing with Trevor’s doll head. Look at how excited he is. It’s kind of adorable but his manic energy is showing which is concerning. 
21:10 - Why is Trevor giving his doll fancy 1940s(ish) names? 
21:31 - Props to LDP. I honestly believed Gil was annoyed with Malcolm for barging in on the interrogation the first time I watched this. 
21:42 - “They got a word for everything.” hahaha OMG. This is so reminiscent of a teenager explaining some new tech to their tech-illiterate parents. 
22:00 - I can’t tell if Gil feels sorry for this creep or if he just thinks the dude is really gross. Probably a mixture. 
23:00 - Oh we’re bringing up the chloroform again. At least Malcolm knows not listen to Martin about this nonsense. 
23:25 - “It doesn’t feel fun.” - THIS. This is why I honestly don’t think Malcolm will ever become a serial killer. His guilt complex is just too big.
23:56 - Are. You. Kidding. Me? This is next level. Ainsley is so out of line here. AND SHE SHOWS NO REMORSE. SHE DOESN’T THINK SHE’S DONE ANYTHING WRONG. THIS GIRL HAS GONE DARK SIDE (she was already halfway there).
24:17 - I’m getting papa!Gil vibes when Gil is talking to Ainsley and I want more scenes of them interacting. Seriously, did Gil have a relationship with Ainsley when she was a kid? I MUST KNOW.
24:45 - Ainsley has no conscience. I honestly don’t think Ainsley has a conscience. 
25:00 - “Who is that!?” Malcolm is totally acting like he’s Ainsley’s father-figure right now. I’m here for it. 
25:22 - SORE LOSERS?!? I’m sorry. What? If you weren’t concerned about Ainsley you damn well should be now. That is seriously messed up. People are dead. This is not a game. Do you know who else thought murder was a game? Martin Whitly.
25:31 - Okay. Ainsley has a point. Malcolm lecturing anyone about being reckless is pretty hypocritical. But at least Malcolm cares about her. 
25:54 - Heart. Shattered. Look at how terrified Jessica is. Look at how gentle and reassuring Gil is. UGh. WHY DID SHE BREAK UP WITH HIM??! I mean, I know why I just think she’s a moron for doing it. 
26:00 - Poor Gil. He’s so confused and so concerned. The whole Whitly family is acting crazier then usual and he doesn’t know why. 
26:11 - “Both you and Malcolm are at an 11 and I’ve never seen Ainsley like that.” FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO CARES LIKE GIL AND NEVER LET HIM GO. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Seriously. The love and concern he shows for this family warms my cold dead heart. 
26:16 - “Her father?!” Oh shit. Now Gil knows there’s something BIG happening. Jessica would never run to Martin unless she absolutely had to. 
26:19 - annnnd Gil’s also being a prideful man who’s feeling are hurt. “You went to him?” He’s right to be though - the woman he loves went to a serial killer for advice before going to the guy who practically co-parented with her. 
26:33 - “I’m here. Whatever you need. I’m here.” <3 <3 Gil is the definition of a good man. <3 I’m in love with it. 
26:48 - “You were right on time for me.” ....*snort* subtle Gil (and in front of JT!!)
27:08 - Edrisa is hysterical on caffeine. hahaha. This whole scene is perfect. 
27:20 - You know someone is acting manic when Malcolm Bright is concerned about their eccentric behaviour. 
27:34 - Annnnnd Tom Payne was a split second from breaking character here. I don’t blame him. hahaha
28:05 - EDRISA flipping and dropping that pencil. HAHAHAHAHAHA
29:10 - “Absolutely not.” hahaha this is funny but also really sweet. Malcolm knows that Edrisa hopped up on caffeine isn’t safe to have near an active killer. Who knows what’ll happen. I wish he’d care that much about his own well being. Looks like calling for backup last episode was a one time thing. 
30:37 - I’ll give the writers one thing - Miss Windsor makes a convincing murder suspect.
31:22 - GIL. STANDING. UP. FOR. JT. IS. EVERYTHING. Where is O’Malley’s back up? Oh yeah, they’re not brave enough to defend him.
32:00 - Huh. Bright texted for backup. This is growth. I’m proud of him. 
32:15 - YES. This JT arc was handled right. Sure JT could’ve complained. It would’ve been episodes upon episodes of bureaucratic nightmares and injustice. This show isn’t about racism. They showed enough to portray that the system is broken and they had JT act like a responsible adult. It’s not fair that JT had to go through this or that he’ll likely experience something similar to it again. But the fact that JT is acting like a bigger person is perfect. JT will protect his family. Always. That includes Malcolm. So JT avoids putting through a formal complaint because he knows that will take time away from doing his job, from protecting others, from hanging out with his wife and kid. JT’s taking the higher road, it might not be gratifying or fair but I respect the hell out of him for taking it. 
32:28 - Gil is so so proud of JT. Look at him. <3 <3 
33:40 - Look, Miss Windsor is a bit of a stuck up bitch but she has a good heart. Look at the way she immediately tells Malcolm where Ainsley is when she realizes what’s happening. 
34:14 - This confused me during the first watch - Ainsley obviously didn’t drink any tea - so why is she drugged? (obviously I know now). 
34:17 - Big brother Malcolm frantically looking for Ainsley is so so sweet. <3 
35:42 - The music, the dolls, and Miss Windsor’s speech here. There’s something about this part of the episode that is strangely reminiscent of 5x16 of Criminal Minds.
36:20 - ......does Miss Windsor have some sort of mental illness? She’s talking to herself and ranting erratically. Is this just emotional stress or something deeper?
37:00 - This is why Malcolm’s not a serial killer. Even now- looking at a killer - he’s trying to sympathize with her. He’s trying to understand why. He’s trying to calm her down, diffuse the threat, and get her mental help. 
39:00 - Oh yeah. Ainsley was definitely going to kill without remorse. Again. I’ve seen some theories that Ainsley only ever tries to kill to protect Malcolm. I disagree. I think Ainsley’s trying to protect herself. Ainsley is pissed off that this girl tried to drug her and kill her because she thinks Ainsley is wicked. Ainsley was pissed at Endicott for whatever he did to Ainsley before Malcolm got there. I think Ainsley felt threatened and scared so she reacted. I don’t think this has anything to do with protecting Malcolm.
39:41 - Malcolm isn’t a killer. Look. He smells gas but he takes the time to carry an unconscious murderer (who literally just tried to kill his sister) out of the building. 
40:00 - The drama. Holy hell. What a weird ending to this case.
40:48 - Who gave Ainsley a police jacket and let her keep it?
41:14 - She almost died and she’s still obsessing over ‘winning’. This is seriously unstable behaviour. Way more concerning than anything Malcolm’s done since 2x1. 
41:45 - “My father was a serial killer also.” Anyone else super irritated by that phrasing?!?  Just me?!? Something about the ‘also’ feels super wrong to me.
41:53 - Oh sweetie. I’d argue that you are more messed up than Malcolm. 
42:06 - Jessica went to see Martin twice in one episode. THIS IS BAD.
42:15 - “Maybe even more so than Malcolm if that’s possible.” Jessica knows her kids. I’m on her side here. 
42:20 - Martin is way too happy about Ainsley showing signs of serial killing. 
42:30 - Jessica? You married an act. That man never existed. He’s always been a serial killer. You just didn’t know it. He’s manipulative and you were a victim to it. 
42:50 - “A partner.” OH THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL. ESPECIALLY FOR THE GIL/JESSICA ARC.
Okay....so definitely the weakest episode of the season so far. AND the fact that we got no mention of Tally and/or the baby this episode is a crime. 
BUT I’M SO SO SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE. It’s going to be a televised fanfic and I can’t wait. 
26 notes · View notes
literaphobe · 4 years ago
Note
Im so sorry...is your sister a minor
yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so 
lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao) 
anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it
today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture
so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years) 
i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me
my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk
anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in
he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol
19 notes · View notes
surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago
Text
Survey #445
“you’ve got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine”
Have you ever created a fake internet persona for yourself? No. Do you enjoy going to weddings or showers? What is it that you like or dislike about them? Not... really. They're triggering for me. And I don't use "trigger" lightly. They legitimately, deeply affect me. It's part of the reason I've lost a lot of interest in being a wedding photographer. Is there a person in your life whom you support by showing up for the sports games, concerts, or other performances? This question, uh... sucks. Because I'm that awful aunt that doesn't go to her nephew's t-ball games while everyone else does. It's the heat that does it, but still... it shouldn't. How many video games do you have? A lot. We have a big case of them. Why did you take the last pill you took? My heartburn is especially awful today. Has a girl ever stayed up with you all night? A guy? A girl, uhhh... maybe? Idk. A guy, yeah. Do you think guys look good with makeup? Hell yeah. How long would you wait to become sexually active with someone you’re dating? That would just depend on how quickly we deeply bond in a relationship. I wouldn't go that far before I knew I was in love with them, though, so it definitely wouldn't be quick. Do you enjoy a good debate or prefer keeping the peace? klasd;jkla;jfklwdj I HATE confrontation, so I strongly prefer to keep that peace. Debates rarely ever stay civil, anyway. Can you ever see yourself and your ex back together? One, easily. The other... I wish. But it won't ever happen because I fucked that relationship up way too much. Are you thinking about anything that’s upsetting right now? Yeah. My PTSD is being really bothersome. Would you ever want to ride in a canoe? Yeah, sounds fun and peaceful. So long as I'm not rowing, ha ha. When did you last see an attractive member of your preferred sex? Did you speak to them? Do you think you’ll see them again? Two days ago. Yeah, 'cuz he was my personal trainer. I don't plan on quitting the gym, so I'll probably see him around there now and again. Have you ever tasted baby food? How about pet food? Save for when I was a baby, obviously, no. I once tried a guinea pig yogurt treat, ha ha. How many times have you had your heart broken? Once romantically, twice overall. Actually, no, four. Quite a jump, I know, but Teddy and Jason's mom both dying was nothing short of heartbreaking. Think of the person you fell hardest for. How many people has he/she been in love with, besides you? One, before me. I don't know about since. Find 5 people on your Facebook friends list, whose names begin with K. Who are these people, and how did you meet them? Katherine: an online friend. We met on YouTube. Kim: she's my stepmom. I met her through my dad, obviously. Kelly: a high school friend. We met in art class. Katelynn: was Jason's old friend's former girlfriend. We met through said friend when we all hung out together. Kieley: she's the wife of who I call my "big bro," a close gaming friend. We met through Sam, the aforementioned friend. Sometimes do you wish you lived in a fantasy world? Yeah, who doesn't? What would you say if the ex who hurt you the most told you they hated you? "I don't blame you" or something to that effect. Have any of your friends dated an ex/previous crush of yours? I don't think it's accurate to call her my "friend," but Jason's first girlfriend and I are friends on Facebook. I'd love to get to know her better and actually be *real* friends. One word to describe the last person you kissed? Strong. Has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? You could say that. Does your hair have layers? No, not anymore. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom. Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? I don't know. Which Disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? Why? Probably Jasmine. I just think she's really pretty. If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? I'm terrified to this day to start new romantic relationships. I had so many panic attacks about losing Sara when we first started dating. If you were going to buy a present for the person you love/like, what would you generally choose? Absolutely something Frieza-related. If you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? Probably just "oh my god, thank you" and start crying lmao. Is there something you generally always ask for help with? I'm sure there's something, yeah. When was the last time you cried? Today. Do you like sausage? Yep. Ever held a newborn animal? Kittens, yes. Do you know anyone with a dual citizenship? Uhhhh maybe? Have you been called a bad influence? Yeah. Like she had ANY room to talk. Do you get stage fright? Yes. Would you be excited or annoyed if your favorite book was being made into a movie? Both of my favorite books are also movies, and they're wonderful. Do you need structure in your life or do you prefer to just go with the flow? I require structure, for sure. Without it, my anxiety goes rampant. Change is something I do not cope with well. Post a picture of you from one year ago. No. Have you ever written a fan letter? If so, who was it to and did you receive a response? No. What trait(s) would you not want your children to inherit from you? My mental illnesses, primarily depression. I have A LOT of reasons for not wanting kids, and my poor genetic makeup is even one of them. I don't want to pass on all the shit I deal with. What is the worst place you’ve woken up? Waking up in a shitty bed at the ER while waiting to be transferred was never one of my favorite things... Are you the type of person who has to study to make good grades or does it just come naturally to you? Aha... I was lucky in that once I heard something in school, it had a tendency to stick. I didn't need to study very much at all - usually. When on YouTube, what types of videos do you mainly watch? Mostly let's plays. What was the last conversation you had with someone about? Sara and I were kinda fangirling over how cute Maieykio and Rumours are, ha ha. Do you have any currency that’s not your native country’s? No. Can you describe your father in one word? Complex. Do you still watch movies intended for children? Yeah. Hell, I probably tend to prefer them. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? That's living, probably Gabriel Iglesias. What is your strangest phobia? Probably whale sharks. Which part of your state/province do you live in [upper,lower,middle]? I live on the eastern side. Who in your life can you count on the most? My mama. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? It depends on what I'm up for. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No, I'm not a fan. Last thing you drank? Pink lemonade. Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone? Sure did. The belief was clearly mutual. But I ruined that. Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down? Sara or my mom. Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn’t? See: Girt. Describe the last dream you had that you can remember. It was actually... really fucked up, so the squeamish beware. I don't remember the details, just the shocking part: a little bird flew into me, and I thought it was a bug, so I crushed it in my hand. Heard and felt the bones break and it was just... ugh. It's nauseating to recall. I'm sick and tired of dreaming of only awful things. Any current family issues? Not any big ones that include everyone. The only "issue" that really exists in my family is how my mom feels like Ashley (my older sister) avoids her, and therefore Mom doesn't see the kids nearly as much as she wants. She feels very overlooked. Whose room of the opposite sex were you in last? When? Uhhh, probably my nephew's? Sometime when I visited my sister's house, idk. The last movie you watched with a friend? Elf, I think. Have you ever played with fire? Uh no, because I'm not keen on being burned. What industry do you want to be a part of when you’re older? Art, in some form. Who do you usually text the most? Since Sara and I started chatting mainly on Discord, definitely my mom. Have you ever been surprised with breakfast in bed? No. Llamas or sheep? Sheep. Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? No. When do you plan on moving out? Whenever I'm in a long-term, stable, happy, and healthy relationship. I really don't at all think it would be healthy for me to live on my own. What’re you going to be for Halloween? I'd actually love to dress up this year seeing as I've really been feeling the holidays, but the money to like... make a recognizable costume isn't really with us. So I'll ust answer as if I had it, in which case it would be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale, but with fake blood splattered over my stomach region. Will you buy a cake for your next birthday? We always do for b-days. Do you like brownies? BITCH I love brownies. Have you ever dressed up as a witch on Halloween? Yeah, as a kiddo. Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Do any girls like the last guy you kissed? Maybe, I don't know. Do you have a second mom? I have a stepmom, if that's what you mean. When a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away? Ngl, I gtfo. Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex? I haven't hung out with Girt in around a year. Really need to change that. When you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? Fries. What is your winter coat like? ... I actually don't know if I have one? Did you do well at fitness testing in grade school? I did fine. Are art museums interesting or boring to you? Interesting. Inspiring, even. Do you know how to use an ATM? ... No. :x How about write a check? uhhhhhhhhhhh... Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge, no. We don't know my dad's heritage. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? I commented on one of my sister's Facebook posts earlier. Are you interested in photography at all? Very much so. Do you own an acoustic guitar? I don't believe so? Ashley had one when she was waaaay younger, but I haven't seen it in forever. I think Dad might have it. Can you talk to your parents about anything without them judging or bickering at you? Because you said "bickering," no. Mom knows how to pick fights on a lot of things... Who was the last person you took pictures with? My sister when she came to visit a few months ago. What is the wallpaper on your best friend's cell phone? I'd be willing to bet it's either her and Jem or Frieza. Do you melt butter to put on your popcorn? No. We get the movie theater butter kind. Do you consider flirting cheating? Sure do. Have you ever been on probation? No. What is normally on your Christmas list (if you celebrate it)? A tattoo and meerkat stuff. Do you like KoRn? They're one of my favorites! When you were little, did you pick up worms? Do you pick worms up now? Ha, I did. I would sometimes dig just to look for them, especially if I knew Dad was going to take me fishing later that day. I don't like touching worms nowadays. Would you ever go see a stand-up comedian? Yeah, I think it would be fun. Do you have any best friends that you only know online? BEST friends, not current ones, anyway. I've met my current best friend. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight? Nope. Do you have a problem with swearing? No. What do you do when you see a spider? My reactions vary. If it's a tiny little thing, I tend to ignore it. In most cases, admittedly, I get my mom to come kill it. :x I really, really want to get on a level where I can just cup the spider and take it outside. I want a few types of spiders one day (tarantulas, jumping, and velvet), after all, so I really should get used to interacting with them. I know in my gut they're nowhere near as dangerous and scary as your head makes them seem, but it's so instilled in you (most "you"s, anyway) from a young age to stay away from spiders, so it's fighting almost like instinct. Do you have big dreams? Meh... When is your father’s birthday? Sometime in April. The 16th, I think? Maybe. Are you interested in anime? Yeah. They can have some great stories. Do you eat three meals a day? Most days. Are you part German? German and Irish make up most of my heritage, yes. Do you dream of being a porn star? Uh, I can confidently say no. Have you ever been on a farm? I have. What is your favorite type of muffin? Blueberry, I think. I like the moisture it adds to the muffin. What is the last type of salad that you ate? Just your normal one with iceberg lettuce and ranch. What do you usually put on your waffles? A layer of peanut butter and then some syrup. You NEED to try it. Would you rather have a cottage on the beach or in a forest? A forest! Name all the people that you talked to today. Online, through texts and in person. Mom and Misty are all, I think. Do you know a schizophrenic person? My half-sister. Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? If so, who is your favorite? I did. I don't think I had a favorite character. Name the last 3 people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Sara: she's very loyal. Girt: he's funny as hell. Tyler: he, uh, cares a lot, I guess? When was the last time you felt EXTREMELY depressed? Why is that? Yesterday, actually. I was passively suicidal just over... a lot of things. Would you ever dye your hair pink? I want pastel pink hair anyway.
1 note · View note
janiedean · 5 years ago
Note
Do you think hollywood will ever get out of its “woke” phase or will it only get worse from here?
... I sat on this for a while and I honestly don’t know how to take it, because woke means absolutely nothing put on like that and it’s not like if movies address social justice issues or start caring about accurate representation or whatnot or what we mean for woke it’s automatically a bad thing, but like the problem with any hollywood production is that hollywood makes movies thinking about money first and artistic value later unless we count a handful of directors/people who can go a good movie that will make money (spielberg/zemeckis etc) or who are at a point in their career where their CV is so out of this world good that they can afford to do whatever they want and/or are huge names who made history who have their own money/circle/clout or their own production company (scorsese, clint eastwood etc). also the second contingent problem is that most people only watch mainstream movies that were released recently which means that everything that comes out these days is supposedly groundbreaking when in truth it’s not 99% of the time.
ps: this rant has very vague spoilers for the 2019 joker so like... thread carefully but it’s really really vague xD
now, since I apparently decided to go at this pseudo-seriously even if I think the question means all and everything, I’ll try to, but basically:
if by woke we mean performative representation/performative social justice themes/*insert-token-character-here*, it’s a 100% question of what the studios think the audience wants vs what makes money vs milking the thing until it’s dry. I mean, I’m talking in general about a genre no one on tumblr cares about, but as someone who loves bad/trashy testosterone-driven action movies every single time I see one with the Badass Female Character Inserted By Force Because The Studio Said They Needed At Least One Quota Because Otherwise People Say It’s Not Feminist I roll my eyes a lot because if I’m watching a genre which is the male equivalent of the female empowerment romcom (ie: if romcoms are the-empowerment-fantasy-for-girls the trashy action movie is the same for guys) I don’t need the Fake Strong Female Character in it because I’m not watching it for the feminism, but until people will worry about the bechdel test as the ultimate proof a movie is good then we’ll get the token character that makes no sense, but since these days the hype is there, you’ll get it because the studio wants the money;
on the other side, if we mean people want actual representation and should push the studios to have it/not whitewash characters etc it’s an entirely legitimate complaint and I don’t think hollywood should *get out of the woke phase* or whatever, but my issue is that most of the time it ends up turning performative as well. as in: you know the dark tower movie? (yeah, yeah, I hate it, I earned the right to trash talk it) when they racebent the lead everyone was screaming at how woke and progressive it was... except that they didn’t wanna hear/didn’t want to discuss the fact that the only reason they did that (imvho) was that they adapted seven books in one movie, cut the female disabled character who’s also mentally ill who’s actually black in the original canon and since they didn’t want to get called out on having done that, they racebent the lead so they looked progressive, but do we really think that doing that rather than adapting the actual black character they had which would have required at least some effort is more progressive? idk but I think it’s not. anyway: i’m all for people pushing for this, but they need to be coherent. in the sense that for all I don’t agree with clint eastwood’s political views, if you watch gran torino where the protagonist becomes friends with his vietnamese hmong neighbor, all the hmong characters were actually cast from hmong actors and if you look at interviews online with hmong people about that movie the opinion is that even if the script could have been better for some of them, they were delighted that he cast from their community and didn’t cast from another asian ethnicity that for any producer would have meant the exact same thing because figures if producers gaf about accurate casting when it comes to that. but like, hollywood won’t gaf about that until people are vocal about needing good and specific rep and not just generic ‘as long as it’s X it’s fine’;
that also goes for wanting more movies with minorities having a role - hollywood will go for giving minorities roles as long as it gives them good money/clout, but it won’t care for good movies about minorities or minority actors having good roles until people are vocal about it and/or it means money loss if they do it wrong;
(caveat: this obviously excludes actors from minorities whose work transcended that - meaning, for example will smith gets cast 85% of the time based on part and not on his skin color because he’s uber famous and he made his name in a specific genre and so on, but like we’re talking about the people who made the Upper Level of Superstar Hollywood)
anyway tldr: hollywood american movies were always 95% made for the money and reflect what they think the audience wants to pay for, which means that if hollywood producers think that people want fake woke movies then they’ll give them the fake woke movies.
this also goes hand in hand with the other problem I mentioned ie that people don’t watch movies that aren’t recent so hollywood can get away with pretending to be original when it’s actually not. now since we don’t wanna diss anything, i’ll mention a movie I actually did like *drumroll*... joker.
or, to specify what I mean:
tldr, I thought that joker was a very well-executed and planned and shot movie which had a good idea and went down well on it and was basically the batman movie nolan dreamed he was doing with the black knight and whose point was telling you that a sick system that abandons the weakest people in it (poor, mentally ill etc) and mocks them as if it’s their own fault that they aren’t better than that eventually breeds chaos and hurt and crime and it’s the fault of the system/the people in charge who don’t see it. now: that’s the least original idea in existence and I’ll go on it in depth later. except that..
when I go look at recs especially from american media, there’s a polarization between ‘OMG THIS INCITES VIOLENCE IT’S HORRIBLE IT’S DANGEROUS’ and ‘OMG THIS IS A NEW MASTERPIECE I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE GROUNDBREAKING AMAZING NO ONE EVER DID IT BEFORE’, which to me is imvho showing very clearly where we have the issue;
as in, issue one: OMG IT INCITES VIOLENCE BLAH BLAH it’s the oldest excuse in existence that has been disproved over and over and it’s just another proof of how puritan/calvinist is the viewership because the point is not inciting violence, it’s showing that as stated not giving a fuck about people who need help means growing discontent that then explodes... which again, you don’t need to read freud’s theory about the masses to know that if the majority of the population lives in shitty conditions you get revolutions;
issue two: the only original/innovative think joker has going for itself is that it’s a movie that has a way wider audience than usual *and* an actual comic book/genre film to discuss the aforementioned issue going in depth into it and not sugarcoating it. but other than that... the deconstruction of the hero/villain in a corrupt world was already in watchmen if you want a genre movie and there have been endless others pointing that out except not that mainstream (because again everyone knows what batman is and who’s the joker, watchmen is a lot more niche), the spectacularization of THAT THING on television was already in network that came out in the year of the lord 1976 and the entire movie was basically an homage to taxi driver when it came to how it was filmed/structured and I guessed 95% of what was gonna happen in the first fifteen minutes. it’s nothing groundbreaking whatsoever, but apparently everyone thinks it is because they haven’t seen either of the above movies or any other that predated this one;
now, joker is a movie I actually liked so I don’t see the lack of originality as a bad thing because that wasn’t the point, but like just to say one, hearing people say that mad max fury road was revolutionary feminist action movie and nothing else ever happened before it when there have been four alien movies before, the valid terminator movies (one and two obviously), kill bill and so on, as in stuff that existed in the eighties was honestly meh because I did like MMFR but again it was hardly groundbreaking (maybe it is for this decade and for other reasons but not for the plot). now, both of these are good movies, but like....... 95% of nolan’s movies are hailed as top originality masterpieces and imvho he’s good but not that good and if people think dunkirk is the best war movie ever it’s because they haven’t ever seen an actual effective war movie (like I can’t even believe some people said it was like two hours of saving private ryan’s first twenty minutes, five minutes of SPR were endlessly better than all of dunkirk and SPR is hardly the best war movie out there), same for about anything he does. now, that’s way beyond the wokeness discourse, but the point is that if people don’t watch other movies and then think that hollywood’s performative woke stuff is peak progressive movie when it really really really is not then hollywood isn’t going to bother producing better stuff that’s both progressive and quality (which can happen I mean have we all seen philadelphia, even if that is like... not exactly mainstream hollywood and it was a risky movie to make but anyway not the problem). tldr: people need to stop acting like the last ten years of movies have been the only era in cinema where you got progressive movies because it’s not true and for one I can 100% assure you that for all its faults tied to the era, the defiant ones is a lot more seriously woke and effective when it comes to discussing racism in the US than 85% of the contemporary stuff I see.
so, idk what you meant with the original question, but imvho: hollywood will produce fake-performative woke movies until the audience contents itself with fake-wokeness instead of actual good material or until people decide to finally stop watching only blockbusters and also give money to indie filmmakers or like nonamerican filmmakers and anyway hollywood goes where the money goes.
which mean that if the activism irl doesn’t stop being performative and becomes serious and therefore automatically turns into people asking for serious rep and not the token character/plot, you’ll keep on getting fake woke movies. (also the day people stop saying GO WATCH THAT MOVIE BECAUSE IT’S WOKE without having even seen it and having read the summary on tumblr will be amazing, but that’s not the day.)
that said, since the idea behind a lot of the fake wokeness is actually right (ie: we need more women/minorities of every kind in movies or television/we need more rep that aren’t blonde blue eyed tall white guys/we need to cast ethnical minorities properly etc) we can hope that people actually grasp the message and we get more and more movies that cast people correctly or who have good rep for the good reasons and I’m all for it because that is a good thing. fake wokeness is not. 
but anyway: hollywood stops being each single trend it is when that trend stops selling. that’s your answer. and until we all think that the oscars are top cinematography choices in existence, it’s not gonna happen.
to end it all: no one is obliged to watch hollywood movies. actually, it’s highly advised to spend your money on either foreign movies or indie movies or independent movies or riskier projects rather than hollywood blockbusters if you don’t want fake progressive stuff also because those movies usually gaf about the issues they touch and if they get money maybe it means more of them get made.
and this was my rant, idk if that’s what you wanted to hear but I guess that’s what I had to say on the topic.
6 notes · View notes
intimatevoid · 7 years ago
Text
stolen from @littledonkeyburrito
1. Do you have callouses on your fingers? I did, back when I still played guitar often. Not anymore. 2. Ever seen the movie Sky High? Fucking iconic. 3. Do you think that horses are a bit terrifying? They are truly the most evil of creatures.
4. Do you do the grocery shopping? Who else is going to do it?
5. Do you like laying out?   I don’t understand what this means..?
6. How many times have you been to the beach? Never since reaching adulthood.
7. What time do you like to wake up?   I like to wake up early, like 6am. I ACTUALLY wake up at any time between 7 and midday, depending on when I fell asleep the night before, and how badly my mental illness is playing up.
8. Do you have your own car?   I do. But it was old and crappy when I got it, and I suspect it will die before the end of next year.
9. How often do you listen to music? Usually when I'm driving, cooking, cleaning and showering.
10. Have you ever ridden a train? Are there people in western countries that haven’t been on a train?
11. Have you done anything productive today, anyway? I called my JSA about postponing my appointment til tomorrow, and made Ash a cup of tea.
12. Eaten anything delicious today? Mark bought Ash and me Chinese food last night - a rare treat for us - and I had leftovers for breakfast.
13. Have you ever dated someone simply for their looks? While I'm attracted to people's looks, I'm pretty sure my motives for dating have always been mental and emotional.
14. How many boyfriends have you had in 2017? One.
15. Do you know your Social Security number by heart? I think I've memorised most of my ID numbers.
16. How often do you say ‘lol’ in a computer or text conversation? Not very often. Usually I say haha, or when I'm being more sarcastic, lmao.
17. Can you curse around your parents? When we talk on the phone I use curse words, yeah.
18. Are you happy with where you live? It's a good house but too cramped. Town-wise, Toowoomba is trash but it's the coolest (as in temperature) region you'll find north of Victoria.
19. Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? No, I’m pretty damn pasty.
20. If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you? I don't know. All the people I care about are here. Losing their proximity would wreck me.
21. Do you have a flag? Like, a physical flag made of fabric? No.
22. Do you know where the gun in your house is?   Good god, what a terrifying assumption.
23. Have you ever kissed anyone with a tongue piercing? I have kissed several people with them.
24. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring? Bug spray, sleeping bag, water.
25. Do you still see your ex? Seb and I still occasionally see each other, yeah. 26. Name the last thing to make you angry? I don’t get angry very often, so it's hard to say. 27. What has been the best year of your life so far? I don't know tbh. Every year has been either bad or weird. I guess 2016 was the least bad. 28. If someone liked you now, would you want them to tell you? Yup~ 29. The last person you held hands with, what’s their best feature? They have beautiful eyes and gentle hands and an excellent tum.
30. Is there a high chance you’ll see someone good looking tomorrow? I probably will look in a mirror, yeah
31. When was the last time you flew in a plane? Back in 2012.
32. Think of the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them in a car? Yes. 33. Do you mind sleeping on the floor? I'd rather not, but I can if I must. 34. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Not at all. Though at least it's better than my relationship with my dad... 35. What is your least favourite season? 3 36. Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours? I have hugged someone in the last 72 minutes. 37. What do you hear right now? The wind outside my window, the dull rumble of trucks on the highway, a distant train horn, the town clock ringing for 10am, and the quiet hum of my computer. 38. If you say you’ll call someone back, will you? Yes, unless I forget.
39. Do you toss and turn for hours at night or do you just fall straight to sleep? Depends on how tired I am and how mentally well I am. 40. What color shirt were you wearing when you had your last kiss? Same shirt I'm wearing right now, since it was at the same time as that last hug too. :P White. 41. Where do you want to live when you’re older? I want to move to Montreal with @aelwen, sometime in the next ten to twenty years. 42. When you sleep on your bed, is stuff usually on it? Sometimes. I usually kick it off though. 43. Is it easy to make you smile? Very easy. 44. Do you like to play on playgrounds? When is the last time you did? God, it's been ages. I think the last time, I was in high school, and was sitting on a playground in Gatton with a friend while we waited for our dads to pick us up.
45. What do you think of when you hear the word “meow"? Kitties and how much I love them :3
46. Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?
I don't think so. Sounds cramped.
47. What’s the background on your cell? A gorgeous selfie that @aelwen sent me.
48. Name the last four beds you sat on? My bed at home, Ash's bed, Ruin's bed, and Dakota's bed.
49. Would you rather have a poodle or Rottweiler? Hard to say. Whichever would be easier to care for. I wouldn't want to be a bad caretaker.
50. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Zoo, probably. I haven't been to one of those in years, but I've been to an art gallery more recently.
51. Do you wear hats if you’re having a bad hair day? My hair refuses to let me wear hats. There's too much of it.
52. Would you ever go bald if it was the style? Been there, done that, never again.
53. Does your bedroom have a door? Yeah, but it's a repurposed front door, and literally has a big glass window in the middle of it.
54. Do you think two people can last forever? The people of pompeii have lasted pretty well so far, but forever is still a bit of a stretch.
55. How many windows are open on your computer? No idea. I'm answering this on my phone.
56. What is your ringtone? The Overwatch POTG music. Actually it's about time I changed it...
57. Does your mum try to be cool? Idk. I haven't seen her in years.
58. What are you listening to? Now that I've moved to Ash's room, it's different. I'm listening to the wind blowing through the plants outside the window, faint voices from the park across the road, the whirring of my fan, cars passing by, and Ash using their mouse and keyboard.
59. What were you doing before you took this survey? Napping. My sleep cycle is fucked.
60. What things did you eat today? Leftover Chinese food.
61. Do you think you gained or lost weight this past month? Gained, and it went to my hips and boobs, hell yes
62. What kind of milk do you drink? Long life. Ash and I are poor and have to buy in bulk.
63. Do you swear at your parents?
Generally not AT them. I’ll use swear words in conversation with them though. Though more recently I swore at my cunt of a dad.
64. Have you ever been ice skating? No, just a tonne of roller skating.
65. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yeah, it's the law here and also I've been in enough crashes to know it's necessary.
66. Do you like sushi? I love sushi.
67. What food do you find disgusting? Very, very few. I tend to be more indifferent about foods than hateful. But let me think... Weetbix, couscous, things with nasty textures like that.
68. Do older members of the opposite sex ever hit on you? Hahaha, nobody ever hits on me.
59. Do you drink the 6-8 cups of water a day? I have a 2L water bottle that I finish off once or twice a day.
60. What does your last outgoing message say? “orrrrr i could fall asleep again"
61. Could you date someone taller than you? Oh yes. :3
62. What is your current mood? Vague.
63. Does it bother you to have dirt on the bottom of your bare feet? Not really, as long as the ground isn't too hot.
64. Who was your first crush? lmao it was Lt. Helga Sinclair from Atlantis
Tumblr media
65. What are you wearing on your feet? Nothing because it would be insanity in this weather
66. Last person who drove you somewhere? Ash, I think
67. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? No, I don't think I ever have.
68. Do you prefer fruit or vegetables? I consume more vegetables but I don’t think I actually prefer one over the other.
69. What are your favourite textures? Smooth skin. Fluffy fabric. Reeeeeeally soft pillows.
70. If you won a LOT of money the lottery and decided to move, where would you move to? I would go visit a bunch of my friends before settling down in Canada, I think.
71. Alcoholic beverage of choice? Vodka tbh ^^;
72. What’s the youngest you would consider dating? Hard to say. I'd be hesitant to date anyone under the age of 21, though, bc emotional maturity.
73. If you were around in the sixties would you be a mod or a rocker? I don’t know what those words mean
74. Are thongs sexy? You ain’t actually talkin bout flipflops are ya?
75. What do you think of when I say “the twenties”? My age..?
76. Is penetration important to you? What context could this possibly be other than sexual?
77. What sport were you best at in high school? Me? Sport? High school? Ahahahahahaha
78. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Vodka~
79. Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Nnnnnnope.
80. What would you do if it snowed right now? Open up the BOM website to see if it was actually happening or I was just nuts.
81. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status? It's not really difficult to grasp?
82. Have your past mistakes made you wiser? Of course.
83. What’s your opinion on good grammar: important or not? Not inherently important, as long as communication is clear. Good grammar aids in communication but doesn't guarantee it.
84. The last time you said ‘I love you’ to someone, who said it first, them or you? I’m pretty sure one of my parents said it first because I couldn’t speak when I was a newborn. 85. Do you like potato salad? Nah, not a fan. 86. Have you ever driven and ended up running out of gas? Yeah, being povo is like that. 87. What was the reason behind the last time you stayed up all night? I had an irritated eye and couldn't sleep for all the itching.
88. How old were you when you were first pulled over by the police? 20 or so, I think, for an rbt.
89. When was the last time you drank out of a champagne glass?
Never.
90. Does it flood easily where you live?
Not in this specific part of town, but Toowoomba as a whole certainly does. *remembers 2011 with a shudder*
6 notes · View notes
shelbymadden14 · 5 years ago
Note
1-200
200: My crush’s name is: chanel 💚
199: I was born in: joplin mo
198: I am really: gay
197: My cellphone company is: verizon
196: My eye color is: hazel
195: My shoe size is: 9....in men’s
194: My ring size is: depends on the finger but 8 on my ring finger
193: My height is: 5.7
192: I am allergic to: cats & mildew
191: My 1st car was: 94 camaro
190: My 1st job was: at the hit zone
189: Last book you read: love her wild
188: My bed is: big af
187: My pet: my boom baby
186: My best friend: boom baby duh
185: My favorite shampoo is: pantene
184: Xbox or ps3: ps4
183: Piggy banks are: not in my vocabulary because i’m broke
182: In my pockets: boxers on sooo no pockets
181: On my calendar: lots of appointments & hopefully a date 😏
180: Marriage is: beautiful!
179: Spongebob can: get dis
178: My mom: is a beautiful soul
177: The last three songs I bought were? upset-lauren sanderson, billies album, jocelyn flores-XXX
176: Last YouTube video watched: jeffree star 😅
175: How many cousins do you have? too many to count
174: Do you have any siblings? yes 2
173: Are your parents divorced? nope
172: Are you taller than your mom? yes
171: Do you play an instrument? drums
170: What did you do yesterday? laundry & watched true blood
[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: yes
168: Luck: yes
167: Fate: yes
166: Yourself: depends on the day
165: Aliens: yes
164: Heaven: yes
163: Hell: yes
162: God: yes
161: Horoscopes: yes
160: Soul mates: duh
159: Ghosts: oh yeah
158: Gay Marriage: nope
157: War: ehh no
156: Orbs: yesh
155: Magic: living & breathing & the way the body works is magic so yes
[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses
153: Drunk or High: high
152: Phone or Online: phone
151: Red heads or Black haired: red heads i mean cmon
150: Blondes or Brunettes: recently changed to blondes & for good reason
149: Hot or cold: hot
148: Summer or winter: summer
147: Autumn or Spring: autumn
146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
145: Night or Day: day
144: Oranges or Apples: apples
143: Curly or Straight hair: curly
142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdanks
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate baby
140: Mac or PC: mac
139: Flip flops or high heals: neither
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet & poor
137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi
136: Hillary or Obama: obama
135: Burried or cremated: both?
134: Singing or Dancing: dancing
133: Coach or Chanel: chanel 😅😂😏💚
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: no
131: Small town or Big city: big city
130: Wal-Mart or Target: walmart
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: adam
128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure
127: East Coast or West Coast: east
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday
125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers
124: Disney or Six Flags: six flags
123: Yankees or Red Sox: cardinals
[ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War: no
121: George Bush: who is he? jk.
120: Gay Marriage: i think it’s gay
119: The presidential election: also gay
118: Abortion: pro choice
117: MySpace: middle school
116: Reality TV: dumb
115: Parents: they are good folk
114: Back stabbers: they stab backs. hoes.
113: Ebay: i sold a bat on here once & it was so much work
112: Facebook: slowly becoming obsolete in my life
111: Work: necessary
110: My Neighbors: the one who called the cops on me? she bad
109: Gas Prices: low thank the lord. knock on wood.
108: Designer Clothes: who cares
107: College: also necessary
106: Sports: i only really care about softball
105: My family: the madden’s are wild man
104: The future: looks pretty good 😏
[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: uhmmm like the end of october ;(
102: Last time you ate: at 7
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: uhm on ft with a bud the other day
100: Cried in front of someone: in my kitchen with my momma
99: Went to a movie theater: when chanel & i went to see hustlers
98: Took a vacation: junior year of hs
97: Swam in a pool: TOO long ago ;(
96: Changed a diaper: over a year ago
95: Got my nails done: never
94: Went to a wedding: probably like 2 years ago
93: Broke a bone: 6th grade
92: Got a peircing: 3 years ago
91: Broke the law: uh i was speeding ;(
90: Texted: just a minute ago
[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: that’s a toss up. i surround myself with laughter
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my boom boy
87: The last movie I saw: do i have to watch it to count it? coraline
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: seeing my lil baby
85: The thing im not looking forward to: chelsey moving out ;(
84: People call me: shelby, shelb, shlub, bub, sheldon
83: The most difficult thing to do is: not overthink
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: like 2 times 😅
81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius
80: The first person i talked to today was: my favorite girl, chanel.
79: First time you had a crush: uhmmm 6th grade? who knows.
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: i would say chanel. she’s like a human lie detector.
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: chanel & i do this shit all the time it’s freaky.
76: Right now I am talking to: like having a conversation with someone? everyone is asleep i believe
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: wait i’m not grown? crap.
74: I have/will get a job: i am a sub but i’d like to venture out a little
73: Tomorrow: i’m going to work out
72: Today: i’m about to crash
71: Next Summer: i’d like to be in a pool or in the sun a lot
70: Next Weekend: i couldn’t tell ya.
69: I have these pets: boomer & xeno
68: The worst sound in the world: my alarm
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my dad
66: People that make you happy: my family, my baby & my friends
65: Last time I cried: uhhh couple days ago
64: My friends are: savannah, meg, aleigh, shelby, alex & lots more
63: My computer is: non existent
62: My School: nada at the moment
61: My Car: little dented 😂
60: I lose all respect for people who: beat on people mentally or physically
59: The movie I cried at was: oh shoot. i don’t do sad movies so i couldn’t tell you. but anytime an old person is sad i cry
58: Your hair color is: strawberry blonde
57: TV shows you watch: way too many to name but i’m on true blood right now
56: Favorite web site: pornhub
55: Your dream vacation: i want to go to italy
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: uhmmm i guess shoulder surgery? it wasn’t too awful
53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare
52: My room is: clean & gray
51: My favorite celebrity is: emma stone or jennifer lawrence 😏
50: Where would you like to be: anywhere with you 😏💚
49: Do you want children: yes!
48: Ever been in love: i am sooo yes
47: Who’s your best friend: i have three. savannah, meg & aleigh.
46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when boom cuddles me
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: hmmm my nanny wheeler 💕
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: yes! don’t die.
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: ope. no but i should
41: Have you pre-named your children: yes
40: Last person I got mad at: uhmmm i hardly get mad but probably a sibling
39: I would like to move to: springfield
38: I wish I was a professional: softball player
[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: orbit gun
36: Vehicle: nissan xterra
35: President: i could give a shit less
34: State visited: florida
33: Cellphone provider: verizon at the moment
32: Athlete: does lauren chamberlain count even though she’s retired?
31: Actor:ryan reynolds
30: Actress: his wife 😏
29: Singer: billie duh
28: Band: oh boy. uhm. coldplay
27: Clothing store: nike outlet or ross 😂
26: Grocery store: one with groceries
25: TV show: all time favorite? probably PLL
24: Movie: matilda
23: Website: again, pornhub. jk i couldn’t tell you.
22: Animal: elephant
21: Theme park: haven’t been to many soooo idk
20: Holiday: christmas or halloween
19: Sport to watch: softball
18: Sport to play: softball
17: Magazine: i don’t read them
16: Book: favorite book would be love her wild
15: Day of the week: friday
14: Beach: cancun mexico
13: Concert attended: ive been to shitty ones so negative
12: Thing to cook: pasta
11: Food: pasta
10: Restaurant: jap steak
9: Radio station: spotify 😂
8: Yankee candle scent: linen 😂
7: Perfume: cologne/chrome azarro
6: Flower: lillies
5: Color: purple
4: Talk show host: jimmy fallon
3: Comedian: ellen
2: Dog breed: yorkie but boom is my favorite
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yes
1 note · View note
bucketofchum · 7 years ago
Text
hey guys
in light of recent stressors (the sudden financial stress that came on Thursday night), I have done a very poor job of taking care of my body. That said, I am not doing very physically well. Thursday night, I didn’t sleep because I was having panic attacks. So I kind of.. dissociated and took a walk outside at midnight. I walked for about an hour or two before heading back and my knee has been bad lately and idk I think walking might exacerbate it but also there is a heat wave happening here rn and it has made the inside of my room stifling and unbreathable.
I passed out for a bit a couple hours after I got back and woke up in some physical pain but once I was able to, I got right back up and walked another two hours outside under direct heat without water.. it was.. not a good move and I didn’t actually realise that the heat wave was.. record breaking? like it had not been this hot since the 1800s... but my dumb ass went out there with no sleep or water with the sun high in the sky and by the time I made it home, I had a pounding headache.
took a really really long shower but came out of the shower sweating and just... I made some food and just did nothing all day. Ate, drank lots of water, and just straight up did nothing. I wanted to work but I couldn’t breathe in the room - just sitting was.. pouring sweat. I kept thinking it was just because of my mental state - and maybe also physical state - but I think the record breaking heat wave also had something to do with it, hah.
and then last night I also didn’t sleep.. at all. I guess I was planning to at some point but I wanted to be up at 5am -- it’s dumb -- just to say hi and good morning to a friend and I didn’t want to miss that for the world, and I was afraid if I even so much as closed my eyes, I’d miss it and idk. So I didn’t sleep at all. And hah, come 5am, I said my hello, but felt so disgustingly nauseated and delirious I questioned by choices.
but having said hi, since the sky was still dark, I went out for another walk for 2 hours, and I felt more awake I guess? sun came up as I made my way home and then I got some groceries in the place half a mile away (since I was up and out walking anyway) and it’s been about 60 hours since I’ve slept but I can’t sleep now
I’m drinking water though - staying hydrated
I’m just
not doing all that great and I guess I had to write it down...
I’m going to try to get some work done though while I’m up and before it gets too hot to physically do anything
5 notes · View notes
punkscowardschampions · 6 years ago
Text
Carly & Ali
Carly: last nite was good of you Carly: saying thanks cuz i read my text from last nite & it was Carly: I cudnt read it k thats facts Ali: nah, don't mention it, no bitch left behind Ali: plus, I know the cunt doing the ditching, been there, like Ali: was trying to translate but yeah, you were pretty fucked 😂 Ali: how you feeling this am? 💚 Carly: yea? hes not that bad Carly: im a slag like he said tbh Carly: feeling like i had a decent nite all things considered Carly: you? Ali: Gurl, yes he is and no you ain't! Ali: Probably Ali: Who cares if you are, he is, and the rest Ali: I dated him for a bit, so there's no shady, tryna steal your man on the sly going on, don't worry Ali: much the same, my head feels like someone took my eyes out and shoved 'em up my arse, you know? Ali: standard sunday vibes Carly: aw you're sweet but it's no diss on me Carly: like ive cheated on him a few times Carly: but he does it too you're right w that Carly: hes a good fuck when he's not too wasted tho which you kno if you got it too Carly: you're single now tho? Carly: can have him back if you want Ali: Fair play Ali: why not call it open and call it a day? Ali: Probs 'cos he likes fighting as much as he likes fucking Ali: Meh, yeah, was passable, gotta have some reason to keep him around, like Ali: Nah, going out with the girl that drove us back Ali: Remember? Dark hair, angry Carly: yea Carly: you know Carly: shit my bad Carly: she was scary is what i've got in my head Carly: idk my head is sketch cant trust it Ali: That's a fair assessment, I reckon Ali: She wouldn't hate it either so you good 😉 Carly: pretty tho Carly: call it a trade up Ali: Yeah, she's cute Ali: you need any more of the night filling in lemme know, I'll do my best Ali: it was pretty standard though, nothing too wild Carly: no faking it w her cuz shes too drunk Carly: designated driver be like Carly: last i see i was getting with his friend lowkey and he went off about it im blank from then Ali: its a fucking gay crime to ever fake it, no matter what Ali: I can get behind that one tho, not got the time or energy tbh Ali: yeah i think him and his friend then got in a scrap and then they left Ali: bros before hoes mentality hardcore, like idk, have fun jerking each other off then, if that's ur vibe boys Carly: k that sounds legit from what i caught on his socials Carly: didnt upload the circle jerk bless Carly: gay crimes must of been committed Ali: sad face Ali: coulda spat on his back Ali: protip Carly: ill let him know when he texts me later Carly: how did you kno where i live? state of me Carly: sorry to drag you this way Ali: plottwist, i'm a massive stalker with bad intentions Ali: I truly don't know, but I'll tell Lene she should be a cabbie 'cos she managed and I don't think we got any puke in her car Carly: k big lesbian crush on me yea Carly: ioher lots Carly: stealing her girl and wrecking her car in one Ali: Naturally, you cute Ali: I'll give you her number if you like, or just pass along the thanks and soz Carly: awh you're cuter Carly: probs still drunk tho Carly: giving me those kind words Carly: you handle the now ex if you love me Ali: Hahaha, he'd LOVE that Ali: ghosts of gf past Ali: Let me and I'll love you forever Carly: go for it Ali: let's see if I've still got his number Ali: this contact list is a minefield of mistakes but the real embarrassment would be getting them muddled up, fo'shame! Carly: i can give it Carly: used it more recently than you Carly: up there at my top Ali: won't be tellin' him that Ali: don't need the ego boost Ali: but tah Carly: makes it more fun to fuck him over if you praise him first Carly: but maybe thats me Ali: like a shit sandwich Ali: I get it Carly: hungry for anything but that rn Carly: [Sends the number tho] Ali: wanna come for brunch Ali: now you are newly gay Ali: that's what they do, fucking sex in the city up in dis bitch Carly: yea? weird Carly: not what i thought Carly: awh first date tho Ali: forreal, even the butch ones, don't let 'em fool you, its all fancy fucking eggs and screwdrivers by 11am Ali: you call 'em mimosas tho, gotta pretend you're being classy Carly: wtf is a screwdriver Ali: Babe! Ali: Vodka and orange juice Carly: i call it that Carly: gays and their labels Ali: save it for the rant sesh honey Ali: love you talking about how men ain't shit as well Carly: thats the ones i fuck Carly: cant be bringing no poshos to a caravan Ali: Posh boys are only good for the money anyway, I'm sure Ali: not finding any in 24 like regardless Carly: not gonna find out if they do drive by now im a lesbian wife Carly: sorry lads Ali: they had their chance Ali: unlucky boys Carly: should prob tell me your name again if im taking it Ali: Ruins the mystery a bit but alright Ali: Its Ali Ali: Ali McKenna if we're being formal Carly: k you've got the hot brothers Carly: makes sense Ali: 🤔 Ali: I think you're thinking of someone else, babe Carly: not trying to have our first fight but you coulda told me before we got hitched, bitch Carly: you're still hot tho don't be sad Ali: so you could run off with one of my brothers? i think not Ali: unless you meant Tommy 'cos he's very single but that's unlikely because he's never here Ali: stuck with me for now, hoe 😘 Carly: a slag like me could do worse Carly: has Ali: bitch, same Ali: we can compare notes, see how many regrets we got in common Carly: yea Carly: doing it Ali: Good, save it for brunch 'cos I'm coming forreal Ali: we don't have to deal with a gaggle of gossiping gays tho, bring you a maccies breakfast? Carly: k Carly: be fun Carly: you are from what i remember Ali: I like that Ali: No bullshit Ali: Imma start all interactions like be fun please or I'm out Ali: ✌ bringing the fun and the bacon babe Carly: you're not bringing your gf are you Ali: Nah, how awkward, meet the missus, honey Carly: like there's usually a lad in my trio sorry Carly: still learning this lesbian life Ali: oh, are you bi legit? Ali: she's way too jealous for threesomes, you're good Carly: nah i just know what lads want Ali: Oh gurl Ali: that's why Lene ain't coming Ali: the lecture you're avoiding Carly: idc Carly: youre my wife now bitch Ali: 💍💍 Ali: Productive morning, if I do say so myself Ali: and we're hanging, fuck with us Carly: good influence of you cuz i havent done fuck all this week Ali: Hard work being a bi icon, babe Ali: wait 'til I get you on the yoga hype Carly: wtf Carly: is that a joke Ali: nah, I've already done half an hour this morning Carly: bitch i had my fingers crossed you mistyped yogurt Carly: i love you but its a no Ali: 😂 lets be really into yogurt, not fancy stuff, like fucking froobs Carly: phallic Carly: slurping on my dick shaped yogurt Ali: exactly Ali: what do men love more than a representation of their genitals shoved in your mouth? nothing, is the answer, bar the real thing Ali: so seductive Carly: they don't like food in bed tho, but maybe thats my technique Carly: thinking you could use whatever Carly: k just gonna dump this curry out yea bear with Ali: spicy Ali: imagine the yeast infection you'd get from a fromage frais Carly: like sorry but if i can handle cum in my eye you can deal with some saag aloo boy Carly: googling those symptoms would be a laff tho Ali: ugh, now i want indian Carly: date 2, babe Ali: 😍 Ali: this is all moving so fast Ali: 'bout it Carly: thats all i kno about lesbians k Ali: Its so true Ali: Can confirm Carly: is your gf gonna be mad that im flirting with you Carly: cuz im scrappy but she's scary Ali: 😂 Ali: Probably but when I tell her you're straight she'll have to chill Ali: yeah, we're married BUT SHE'S STRAIGHT, BABE Carly: can't tell her how many girls ive fucked cuz i dont remember Carly: convenient Ali: Best keep that on the DL, yeah Ali: like your blatant gay feelings for me Carly: k Carly: been a secret before no big Ali: Awh babe, ain't nothing dirty about this Ali: I shall tell the world Carly: you're sweet Ali: Probably not if you still wanna be getting that D but you know, noblest intentions, like Carly: im over it Carly: go off Ali: when your pussy's the cure Ali: how can I be humble now? 😏 Carly: dont be Carly: proud slags who fucking love froobs Carly: its a mood Ali: that is a whole ass mood Ali: put it on a t-shirt, babe Carly: earn some bread for my table Ali: solid business plan Ali: we can't be the only ones Carly: independent women who don't need no dick Carly: anymore Ali: hell yeah! Ali: unless that dick wanna pay the bills, in which case we'll let 'em Ali: so we can get more froobs Carly: point Ali: oh no, someone put a pic of Molly Briggs vomming on Insta Ali: 1. gross 2. who hasn't been there, poor bitch Carly: sad Carly: hope she's alright Ali: I'd ask but don't really know her and her phone must already be blowing up Ali: plus she threw a netball right in my face once and I don't forget, bitch Ali: jk, I'll just report the pic 😂 Carly: they all call me a whore cba to keep track of which mollys or other bitches Ali: She is a bit of a bitch, ain't gonna sugarcoat it so probably Ali: not saying Karmas real but posted on that friggin' TallaghtSlags page so 🤷 Ali: grab a froob, darling Carly: her name makes me wanna party with her dad but thats as far as im fucking with that family Carly: or mum i dont know who picked it like Ali: Init, proper old skool ravers, obvs Ali: think I'm out of eccies, sadly Ali: last night depleted me Carly: Watch me call my son Bennie cos I got anxiety, baby Ali: Cute tho, whole medicine cabinet of babies Carly: why not im married now Ali: We'll get on that, date 3, like Carly: where you taking me? Ali: up the wheyyyyyyyyyy Ali: well, we had brunch, indian, obvs we're fat bitches Ali: get on that chinese buffet life Carly: you can get on your yoga mat tho Carly: im fucked Carly: letting myself go so soon my bad Ali: Please, you're perfect Ali: I'll have all the kids if you want Carly: blushing is what i am Carly: how many you want? Ali: how many people names are there for drugs? molly bennie mandy charlie umm Ali: and our preachy child, frank Carly: ha Carly: tina that's one Ali: Ooh, yes, a gay icon Carly: billy, bud our weak child, cosmic kelly who's gonna have to style that out Ali: oh kelly, I hope you have the personality to match or we've really fucked you over there, soz babe Carly: can't forget dimitri, lucy or mandy Carly: sweet sweet mary joy Ali: My fanny hurts just thinking about it Carly: christine and tina are obvs twins thats a relief Carly: how manys that? Ali: 13 Ali: Unlucky for some but my actual lucky number! Ali: Fated Carly: ha Carly: it's love and keeps being proven Ali: can't fight what's clearly so right Carly: true Ali: you want a milkshake Ali: i'm having one Carly: yea Carly: strawberry Ali: 'cos u so sweet 💚 Carly: awww Ali: I shall be right there, with brunch fit for a pair of proud slags Carly: k Carly: my parents arent here no need to break the news of wedded bliss Ali: Would be a weird first impression but I could rock it Ali: new fave in-law? I think so Carly: yea Carly: cant fight fate like Carly: been said Ali: forreal, catch me outside if you got something to say, lads Ali: alone time with the bae is always good tho Carly: you kno Carly: love you bitch Ali: love ya 😘
0 notes
blahsome · 8 years ago
Photo
Tumblr media
Here’s an entry from my mother’s journal that I found recently.
And here's something more to read, possibly out of order and random as usual:
Dear mom, Becca,
I'm 28 now. It's been 22 years that you've been gone. I'm still fucking mad. I graduated high school 10 years ago and I've still got all this pent up angst.
If I were you, I would've written a manifesto for my kids.  It's understandable that that wasn't the first thing on your mind.
Sometimes I feel whole and like you being gone makes me the person that I am, other times I feel like I'll never be the person I could've been if you were still here.
Like, what is a bra that fits well?! (I'll get to dropping off my return package to Amazon on Monday...)
You made great friends in your time, a lot of them have taken me in and told me stories about your times together. Nothing will be like being able to hear your side of the story though.
I fear I'll never be sure about "the one" as I've heard you were about Herman. It was a different time then, sure. But you had a mother’s intuition, that I am, pretty sure (no guarantees), doesn't exist today.
Apparently this means breaking hearts, my own included. Fuck. I didn't ask to be this way.
I'm 28 and I've got the world telling me that my clock is ticking. You were 39 when you had me. And older when you were pushed down and miscarried my sibling.
In 11 years I'll be the age you were when you had me. That's so long from now, but also I only just graduated high school 10 years ago. Tonight I talked to the cashier at Fresh Plus and she told me that I went to highschool with her ex-stepbrother and I remembered making out with him in his front lawn like it was yesterday. I felt free and like a confident woman in control, laying in the grass at the time.
Now, while I still feel confident, I'm so unsure, I think and am pretty sure I know, I am a beautiful woman. This makes me uncomfortable. I see pictures of other beautiful women (models and girls I know irl) and question myself. I don't want to compare myself to them, and I don't want others to compare themselves to me. I am proud of myself and my body. I judge others. I try not to. I feel shame that I do. Other times I hate myself and my body. I judge others. I try not to. I feel shame that I do.
Do I have an identity or am I just this junk that surrounds me?
I've heard that someone in my family once said it's as bad to be offended as it is to offend. Maybe it was vice versa. Either way, I think it's made me hold my tongue, and probably to the detriment of some relationships, and to my mental health. If I know someone who is passive aggressive, it's me. I just don't understand why people can't be more observant, thoughtful, and have common fucking sense.
I was talking to my neighbor recently, one of my idols, a woman who has known me for the last 22 years, or longer, whom I look up to greatly and gratefully. She was helping me build my garage apartment and we were discussing what I should do with my life, as I am always seeking advice from women I respect, among other things she told me that when her daughters and I were in elementary school together she got one of them a tutor because the school wasn't acknowledging their learning disability and she told my dad that she thought I might benefit from one as well; maybe it's because we were poor and my mother worked at the school, my father brushed it off and the school never said anything about me needing extra assistance. I never did well in school, and my mother partied out of South West Texas (now Texas State in San Marcos). For a short time, I had a dream of attending the same college and flunking out as well. I wanted to do something my mother had done.
Each time I start writing these things I get more lost than when I started... On Monday I'm going to see a psychotherapist who also does body work.
Maybe I'm writing these annual updates to reassure others (myself) that it's ok to be fucked up and need help and seek help and that those around you (me) who give it are great, but they aren't the end all be all, and this might not be their line of work.
I got porch drunk by myself the other night and woke Herman (my dad) up to make him listen to me cry about how I don't have that certain something that makes people sure and happy, regardless, like him and, seemingly my brothers, do.
(Note to self?) Hey girl, you aren't doing that bad. You do cool stuff and are badass. You are thoughtful and considerate (to a fault (self praise)) and are good for the planet, you recycle and try to reduce and reuse (look at your sex life). You are funny. You are confident. You are beautiful. You deserve to be happy. You are doing great. I'm sorry I didn't write you the manifesto, but you have it in you. You can. Anything anyone can do, you can do bleeding.
I've lived/made it through so many dark times. My mind is a whirlwind. Sometimes I give all the fucks and other times I dgaf. Sometimes I look up symptoms for bipolar and other mental issues and the next week I'm like "cool this smoothie will cure all that ails me!!!"
I form attachments to objects. I remember how long I've had certain things for. Maybe because I always think about how long I had time with you and how long I've been without you. There's a small number of people I keep close to me and let my walls down with. Others I get close to and then withdrawal from. (What value is this adding to the letter?) Both of my parents were/are hoarders of sorts, and it runs in the family a lil bit.
So~ this turned from a letter to my mom, to a letter to the people, to a letter from my mom to me?? Idk. It's not finished. Who knows how many years of the letter are left?
1 note · View note
canaryatlaw · 7 years ago
Text
So today was interesting. Overall better than the rest of this week, though I probably couldn't point you to any specific factors there. I guess I just mentally felt better so things followed that. Morning was a bit of a lol, my alarm goes off at 7, I turn it off and pick up my phone, then close my eyes for a few seconds. When I open my eyes, my phone now reads 7:40. What the fuck??? Like okay, it wouldn't be the first time I've over slept an alarm, but doing it just like that was weird. Thankfully it left me just enough time to get to work mostly on time if I ubered instead of took public transit, so I did a mostly normal morning routine and then ubered to work, getting there at 9:05 so that's enough for me to call it a win, if an accidental one. So for the morning I did some of my paperwork setting up the timeline from the other day, and about mid-morning I think I popped over to see if our tech guy was in and he was, so I let him know that I still couldn't get the prison calls to play on my computer which I felt bad about because they'd already like, switched out a computer and everything to make this work haha. But he was like nah it's cool, imma call my supervisor and we'll take care of this. And a little while later they came and did something (while I sat on the chair on the other side of my desk and scrolled through Facebook on my phone) and pretty soon they had it up and working. Okay, I forget if I provided any context for this when I first mentioned them, but I don't think I did so I'll give some here. To my understanding, we have recordings of prison phone calls from a man and the mother of his daughter, who is in DCFS custody. I'm not totally sure here, but I think he might've been in prison for some sort of child abuse (I don't think it was sexual, probably aggravated battery to a child). But basically they want to argue in court that mom is gonna get back together with dad when he gets out which would put their daughter in danger and they shouldn't regain custody, so the attorney wanted me to go through the phone calls between the two of them to see if there was any talk about getting back together or anything about their daughter specifically, them trying to get her back. So I set off with 530 audio recordings, most of them listed under "time limit exceeded" for reason of termination, which means they were 30 minutes long. WOAHBOY. So the first few I listened to were in the early days of his prison sentence and they had lots of good stuff for me to write down, but they started getting more monotonous so I like, checked my email and did some other random shit while still listening (I didn't read any fic, because I knew if I did that I probably wouldn't N able to focus on the calls). Soon enough I switch over to the more recent calls (so switch from August 2016 to March 2017) and suddenly there's a much different tone. The first one had them arguing over the fact that he said he'd call her right at 8:45 and he called her at 8:46, which I was laughing at pretty hard. Fun little prison break reference here, but the prison is called "Big Muddy River Correctional Center" located in Illinois, which of course isn't too far off from "Fox River Correctional Center (or facility?)" also fictionally in Illinois. So that made me smirk a little. So I kept listening, and then they decided to have phone sex, and I was very thankful for the fast forward button because having to listen to that I'm pretty sure is a violation of my 8th amendment constitutional right against cruel and unusual punishment. Lol. But for the most of the afternoon I just let the conversations play (I had headphones in so they weren't being broadcasted to the whole office) and noted when they said something relevant. For the record, they didn't need to talk about getting back together because OH, THEY'RE TOGETHER, and there was plenty of mentions of "getting their daughter back" (smh). So then I was just left to marvel at the strange range of tasks my job has me carrying out, lol. But anyway. My physical therapy options were pretty limited this week since I could only come after work and my normal guy is in Europe, and despite being there yesterday the only other appointment I could get this week was for tonight at 6, and of course I get off of work at 5. I figured if I ubered though I could probably make it with enough time to run to my apartment and get changed from my suit into physical therapy appropriate clothing, lol, however, my uber driver didn't take the best route and we got caught in traffic and I didn't end up getting to PT until 6:20 and I was such not a happy camper because if you pay attention on here at all, you know being late is my biggest pet peeve possible. It was okay though, it was just a little shorter of a session. Not a big deal. Now we just know 6 pm appointments are a no-go, lol. The girl I worked with was fine, I like my regular guy so I was kind of meh about working with other people but she was nice enough and she did a pretty good job, so that's good. When I finished there I walked back home and ate some dinner- I forget if I ever discussed my weird eating issue I've developed lately on here so I'm just gonna talk about it now. For weeks now, no matter what my big weekend meal I use for leftovers throughout the week is, when it comes to eating those leftovers it feels like I have to shove the food into my mouth. And then I get stuck in the whole quandary of "oh well I should eat it anyway because it's healthy" ("healthy") and no, don't force yourself to eat something you don't want to, but obviously a ton of meals I make have been going to waste because of this and I have no idea what to do about it. This week I was gonna try to really test it because I did my creamy Parmesan chicken pasta (I definitely mentioned that on here recently, but I don't remember the rest of the context) which is like phenomenal and I'd see if I had an issue with that, and yupp, when it came down to eating the chicken it felt like shoving concrete in my mouth. This is a totally new and out of nowhere development?? Like this has never been an issue before. And it's not just chicken, because I've tried other meats and it's the same thing (I can have like, two slices of turkey on a mini sandwich, but that's really nothing). And I just don't know what to do about this because I feel like I started the whole weekend meal thing because I wanted to make sure I was getting enough protein in my diet, because I wasn't really eating meat unless I was intentional about it. But I mean, I have been making eggs very often since getting my rapid egg cooker off amazon (seriously, I'm in love with this thing, it does them perfectly every time) and I also eat yogurt very frequently which are both good sources of protein so maybe not? Idk why but I have this idea in my head that protein = healthy which is true in some instances but not when my mind wants to apply it to like, a McDonald's hamburger because that's what it tries to do. I did just remember though when I was reading the info about acid reflux on my new doctors website he had one of the trigger food listed as "high protein foods" which I thought was weird that that would cause a reaction, and I hadn't noticed one.....but maybe now I have? It's obviously a different reaction but hey, if the latest theories are true my acid reflux has been fucking up pretty much all my systems with random ass symptoms like furious coughing, not being able to breathe while running, and of course not being able to eat anything that hits the mild salsa level of spice (that's not an exaggeration, that's legit how I describe it sometimes or people just don't understand when I say I can't have just "spicy" foods, like it's much worse than that) so who fucking knows if this is a result of it too. It just makes me anxious about my other eating issues that I purposely have never talked about openly on this blog for a lot of personal reasons that I just don't want to be out there for the whole world to see quite yet. It's just....concerning. Sigh. I need to move on. I ate dinner and listened to the flash podcast for a little bit because I was very into the episode, before turning on Riverdale about 20 minutes into it (thanks TiVo). I vaguely remembered it was the season finale so it should get some good drama. And there was some good drama, for sure. But damn, I gotta say, I feel so damn sorry for Cheryl Blossom. I mean the girl just lost literally half of her family and found out her entire family's business was a criminal sham. Like I feel like having her go out into the frozen lake was maybe one of the only times I've seen in tv where a character resorting to attempting suicide in reaction to an event actually felt genuine and not contrived. But goddammit Archie, just let someone else help you punch through the ice ffs because there was a LOT of blood in that last shot before the ice broke and boy you probably hurt yourself real bad there. As far as the other plot stuff, I was irritated of course by the inaccurate portrayal of the child welfare system getting involved in Jughead's life. First of all, he's in a safe fictive kin placement right now, even if it's unofficial fictive kin don't have to be licensed. Fred Andrews having a single DUI on his record would not disqualify him from fostering children. He also cited money, but now that the state is involved he would get a stipend for Jughead that would take care of the money issue. Second of all, they don't take kids into care when they have another perfectly capable parent who's just in another state and "overextended." What is that word even supposed to mean? To me it feels like it could only really boil down to finances, and there are legit laws in every state saying you can't take a kid into care just because his family his poor. They even have these cool things called Norman funds to assist families in those positions. So in conclusion, if this were real life, Jughead would either stay with Archie or go to live with his mom and jellybean (which is the cutest nickname ever). I don't know why I still care though, because it's not like there is ever an accurate depiction of the child welfare system on tv or other sorts of media. And that's an issue because it perpetuates ideas like "don't call CPS, they'll just make it worse" which is how kids end up staying in abusive homes and KIDS END UP DEAD. So this is an actual problem, believe me. Sigh. The one other note of feedback I will give is I do like Archie and Veronica together. When I finished that I turned on Blindspot, which I knew was the penultimate episode so there was gonna be some big firefight with a hidden twist at the end, and of course that was exactly what happened, lol. It was a pretty good one though, and I'm looking forward to seeing what they do to wrap it up next week. And I'm glad they got another season to work with. And that was more or less it for my day, and it is late and I don't want to be dead exhausted tomorrow- oh that's right, today was the first day in like, 5 work days that I didn't fall asleep at work!!! So that's progress!!! But uh yeah, I need to sleep now. Goodnight loves. Happy Friday.
0 notes
moidse · 5 years ago
Text
Okay so, I feel bad like I’m withholding information... I have a lot of insecurities about non-monogamy/poly and I’ve never explained this to you.  I just keep noticing a reoccurring anxiety is what if I just can’t do non-monogamy and the negative thoughts and anxieties never fade away? How long am I willing to feel uncomfortable about this? What is my own limit for trying to see if this will work? 
[[I have a history of not stating my own boundaries, wants, and needs, in a relationship out of fear of the other person realizing we aren’t compatible and leaving me. I would rather endure a relationship I only kinda am into then be single. I hate the idea of being single. Which is also why i never break up with the other person. 
I feel like I date people to prove something to myself... although with the person im with now I think it’s the least like that, I genuinely believe they are a mostly healthy influence, aside from the heavy drinking, in my life. (wait, i kind of am with them to prove i’m not just a fukboi, and also in the beginning i was really trying because i don’t o*** for them and i felt bitter at the idea of this not working out and i dropped my fuk buddy 4 this... but i have ended up catching feelings for them..) Like, it’s been so long I can admit I only was with o**** because I was insecure that with the fact that I hadn’t been in a relationship since I was 18. I felt very ashamed that I had only 1 relationship and it was toxic and that was the only person I had had sex with and been in a romantic relationship with. I felt like that in itself was evidence that I am not worthy of love and am hard to love and will be alone forever. That’s definitely a big part as to why I rushed into dating O***. I desperately wanted to be able to say I’ve had a recent relationship. I felt so ashamed to say yeah my last relationship was 5 years ago. I felt like that was evidence that I am not easy to date, i have always carried that knowledge as though it were proof that I’m broken and you probably shouldn’t even try dating me... when it doesn’t necessarily mean that. I live in a smaller city for 1. And I do believe I needed to work on myself to a degree but I’m not broken and unlovable and at a point of no return. Also that person really messed up my self-esteem so I wasn’t ready to date again for a while and that is okay and normal after your first break up. I just have always felt like I should be experiencing more in my love life at the age that I am--- and tbh says who? the colonizer heteronormative agenda? Cuz we all know queer ppl come out at different times and our timelines aren’t the same for what is considered normal... ]]
tbh I have had a history of jealousy and just issues with non-monogamy/poly since I started dating. So, my first relationship that was really bad and emotionally abusive,,, they later admitted to me that they were trying to be extra mean to me near the end to get me to break up with them and part of that extra mean routine was them asking if we could be poly and have the relationship be open... they later admitted to me and said they honestly only suggested that because they thought it would push me to end it... but i didn’t.... there was nothing they could do or say to get me to break up with them... i was already enduring emotional abuse.. I just was naive and set on the idea that we were gonna be together forever no matter what.... anyways, that first relationship started my first issues with being poly.. i was desperately convinced for so many years that I would end up back with this abusive person... we used to talk about trying it again... we were lowkey on and off for years... whenever they’d come back to dayton I would sleep with them and desperately wish and hope they’d take me back/even wanted me back... while they were poly and the main issue and excuse as to why we couldn’t be together was that I had issues with them being poly and so if i could just change and be more open minded then we could be together forever which is what my naive brain wanted more than anything.... during those years we were off and on i would creep on their social media and see all the different ppl they dated over the like 4-5 years i was still chasing them hoping we’d be back together... i would compare myself to the other people they were dating and just feel like they were my enemy... they were the reason why this person wasn’t in love with me and back with me... (which obviously now i can see none of this was true, but i was mentally and emotionally stuck on this person from ages like 18 until like now....I still very much so carry a lot of these mentalities) but I just had a very unhealthy POV of the other ppl they were with.. I directed my frustrations towards them when really that person just didn’t love me and i don’t believe they ever did love me... anyways... Ugh I also remember when I would hang with them whenever they’d talk about who ever their partner was at the time it would make me feel so insecure and ruin my fantasy that they were interested in me still or wanted me back... omg typing all of this out.. i can’t believe i did this for years... this is so sad.... I also remember further hating myself when comparing myself to the fact that they had dated countless ppl after me, they basically left me cuz they were into some trans dude, and seeing them on social media go through partner after partner i would constantly compare myself to them and think, how come they’ve had so many partners since we broke up and i’ve literally had none... this was something that ate away at me for years, this was evidence that i suck, im the problem, im not lovable... and it’s def why i was eager to jump into a relationship last year because it was the first time there had been mutual interest in dating since i was 18 and i was 23 and felt so ashamed that i hadn’t even come close to dating anyone since my first relationship....
Then that person I dated was poly too and I wasn’t very honest with them and acted like I was cool with it and then once they said they were going on a date with someone it was clear i was having anxiety panics about it and wasn’t okay with it... I did not do a good job at communicating why I wasn’t okay with it though. That whole relationship had poor communication... 
It’s like I understand on paper how non-monogamy makes sense. I understand that people can be in love with multiple people at the same time. But it’s like my emotions, anxieties, and insecurities don’t understand... 
I also just am worried like what if I’m just not good at non-monogamy? it’s not like I just naturally one day was like.. ya know what monogamy is stupid and I prefer non-monogamy! ... It was more like, I feel broken and hard to love and like I’m not good enough for anyone... and every single person i have a crush on is non-monogamous ... so .. i guess i’m non-monogam-ish ...cuz i don’t want to be alone... i guess it’s just like I feel so hard to love i wanna prove to myself I can be in a healthy relationship... which I believe I can and I deserve one... I just do not know if non-monogamy is what a healthy relationship for me looks like. I don’t want to be non-monogamist because I don’t want to be alone... that’s just sad.... 
[[I just have no interest in dating anyone else rn and I think it’s hard for me to understand that you do. I think that’s a big thing.  But like, if i was in your shoes and someone i was friends with, like if my one hot friend said they have a crush on me i would be like hell yea let’s see if this can work... it’s like i know if i were in your shoes I would do the same... ]]
it just sucks, my brain will not stop suggesting that you dating someone else means i’m not good enough. 
Anytime I even think about the fact you are dating someone else it gives me a lot of anxiety and i quickly try to think about something else and it’s just like... ugh that’s not a good feeling. I get so triggered and feel like i’m lesser than. 
I know these thoughts and feelings are just based off my past experiences... but I just have this fear of like what if I’m just not non-monogamous... l’ve never dated someone that was monogamous and I hate the idea that I’m just choosing this to please the other person because that is what i am doing right now at least... 
[[I feel like when I move to a bigger city being non-monogamous would make more since to me maybe... idk .. i haven’t had many relationships... i’ve never been dating someone and wanted to be with someone else... i feel like i can be very comfortable with just 1 person and i don’t need more... but i understand the idea of something falling into your lap and wanting to explore it... ]]
I think I could be non-monogamous, we just need to talk about so much more and I always feel anxious thinking about you dating someone else because I have not shared with you my past consistent issues with non-monogamy and i’m not sure how you’ll react...
From my last email you acknowledged you assumed I was fine with non-monogamy and you should’ve opened up a conversation-- and i agree i wish that would’ve happened-- and i guess this is me trying to open up this conversation because this stresses me out most days and I need this conversation to be open.. I just feel so insecure and my anxiety is awful and i feel like everyone knows im insecure about this and it’s fucking with me
0 notes
surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago
Text
Survey #433
“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”
Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.
1 note · View note
eyedoteye-blog · 7 years ago
Text
On Guides,
I've been thinking about.. my childhood lately; about what I would say to him, if I could reach back in time. I've been thinking about what he would say to me. How would he see me? Would he be proud? Confused? ..Upset? What would he think about the things I had to say? What do I have to say? And what of my role in the future, as a parent to my child? And what of my role in the present, as a parent to myself? The parent is not only a gaurdian, but a guide to the child, to greater fields, to greater heights. ..but who guides me..? And so I thought about that for a while.
What are guides, and how do they differ from role-models and inspirations?
Guides are those you trust to offer good direction. And they often can be role-models, and they often can be inspirations, or at least, sources of. But unlike, role-models, and inspirations, guides are not so essential to the core of your identity. Guides exist within a segment of time; guides are temporary. They are those who help you build your path in the present moment, and they last only until it is natural for your paths to diverge. They are the architects whom advise you on segments of your journey, but not the journey itself. And yet, through walking the guide-built path you may find yourself in a similar direction as the guides, but that is not the focus of the guide, that is just a possible effect.
Why are guides important?
Guides bring forth an awareness to our journey that is temporaly more significant to us in the present. Often, it is difficult for us assess the situations that are thrust upon us, and how we must navigate them in order to truly further our goals. And we are naturally inclined to compare, but often to weak frames of reference. The painter has little use in the rigurous analysis of their path in relation to the path of their friend, the accountant, or to the path of their idol, a historical and/or private figure (both of which have very little insight to give); yet we do these things anyways. And it causes a great split: between our identity, what we think we should be doing, and what we are doing. It is paramount to keep those things aligned. And we can begin through the recognition of our guides in this present moment. Who do we look to? Not just the figures we think about now and again, and are inspired by their tenacity or vision, but who are we looking at right now for insight?
And so, who are my guides?
This was actually a pretty fun mental model to explore. As I was exploring this idea. I came to realize, I was actually very unclear as to who my current guides are. And it took me a bit of time to really get that list together, but now that I have, I certainly feel a greater sense of awareness; and that feels good!
Note: before we continue, there are some kinda spoilery notes about The Witness coming up, so please consider tuning out if you haven't yet gotten the chance to play this amazing game.
Jonathan Blow
It was March 26, 2016 at roughly 12:48pm PDT that Mr.Blow first planted a magic seed into my noggin. Now this all occured, during a particularly difficult period in my life. And I thought, from the little bits of The Witness hype I overheard, that maybe, maybe, the puzzles in this game can help me regrow some clarity, in my otherwise decayed status. I did not realize at the time, that The Witness was a game that secretly brought the player forth into states of mindfulness. Almost exactly what I needed in a game at that moment. And most peculiarly, this was also a time when in a completely different effort I had picked up a book on The Buddha's first teachings; completely coincidental, yet, so incredibly serendipitous. It really kind of added an extra layer to the whole experience. And I remember reading something from Jonathan at one point, when he said something to the affect of, "Don't let pundits define for you, what a game should be". And as I played The Witness, and as I discovered the..kind of amazing moments that are in the game, that idea of letting go of popular preconceptions, pulled itself out of the ether of my memories, directly into the center of my being, and resonated.
FrankeSmileShow
I have been following Francis Coloumbe's work since I was twelve. Seeing him transform and grow, has been an amazing and incredibly encouraging experience. When I first experienced Frankie, it was through Sluggy's Adventure, a game so rudimentary in design and art-direction, that looking back now, I'm sure even he kind of chuckles at how rough his start was; and not in a way the he's ashamed, but in a way that he is proud. Because now? Frankie is this.. part machine, part sanctuary of game and art, energy. The pace and consistency at which he produces these incredible pieces of art, animation, and prototypes is aboslutley astounding. And it's not just that he unstoppably churns at his passions, it's that he does it with the most humble and casual of demeanors. yeah, idk arts just happen
William Chyr
William first entered my cognizance during my batch at the Recurse Center, where after taking up a peer's offer for a massage in exchange for cool-facts, she informed me of her baloonman-turned-game-developer-friend. Now of course, the whole situation was strange enough that I was sufficently intriguied. And that's when I discovered, this game that has been on my radar for a while, Manifold Garden, was being developed by this very same man. And I was astounded that I had any connection at all to the developer of such an interesting and wonderous title. More importantly, I discovered his stream. William is a man whom, through doubts both self and familial, and stress both creative and temporal, continually manages to find the drive and raw willpower to continue ever onward, climbing up that mountain of passion. And all the while, he carries with him a most sinscere cordiality. William is phenomenal. It is sooo~ refreshing to see someone actively not only encouraging, but embodying positive health within the creative stratosphere -- a place often plagued by the romanticization of poor health and balance. It was William Chyr that got me thinking more actively about my diet, and I'm pretty sure it was he whom really helped seed my fervor for health in creativity.
Lavhorre
Probably the most recent and temporarly fluid of influences, Brittany Salzone brings with her this most playful yet focused attitude to her process. Through her stream I grew the courage to try my hand at illustration. But not just illustration, but the attitude and attenion I bring to it. It was here that I began taking higher education in a creative field more seriously, and it was here that I began to first question the shame I had been carrying for so long about my creative passion. And with my questions came a liberation; a freedom. The strangest circumstances bring forth the most incredible of reflections. I am very thankful to Lavhorre for enabling me in that way.
And I'm very thankful to all of the guides in this list, for enabling, and continuing to enable, my path.
Log#003
Good gosh, so much has occured since my last log two weeks ago. Both in my personal and academic lives. There was some period of some great turmoil, that I think really brought forth the preceding explorations. I suppose there is always a flower to bloom in the darkness. And so due to those complications, I think I'm going to unguiltily give myself an extra week to complete my #thatgamefeel challenge. I think that wil be a more useful measure, to me, of where I currently am.
However, not all news is bleak! I feel it's rather important to remain disciplined in growth, despite the adversities and challenges in life. So I've planted a couple new roots within my being.
I've been deligently goiny through a demystifying mindfulness course from coursera. I've even gotten accepted for a teensy-tiny scholarshiparuno! The course has been really amazing so far. There is a lot of writing involved, and that's pretty tiring, so I've really been getting a chance to excercise that discipline.
I've also begun illustrating, and have even started venturing into digital painting. It's really fun and the act, in itself, is really encouraging.
Good gosh, cold showers! After getting over the initial inhibitions, they are actually super amazing! Lately I've been starting the shower warm, and then slowly transitioning into cold. That way I get to experience the best of both worlds, it starts as relieving and then it leaves me with a great feeeling of refreshment.
Oh, also! I've completely reorganized my room. It is now a low bed and standing desk room. I've always believed that the room is a reflection of the mind and vice-versa; so I'm really happy with this new setup.
On the SphereKoan front, there has been some developments. Notably, I am currently transitioning and updating my workflow to better utilize YouCompleteMe. It's a little tricky because I'm compiling windows programs, but I'm developing the linux subsystem. I've also been making good progress on piecing together the architecture. I've been pulling pieces of my old projects together and reworking it to an infrastructure better suited for 3D-interactive projects. Aside from the technical boring stuff, I've also attached one of my behind-the-scenes, rougher design notes below:
Click To Enhance
I'm i.i, and okay bye
0 notes