#idk what emotion I am experiencing that can only be expressed as I NEED to kill myself

[cowboykakashi]

[emmylksblog]

Can u write some Marc guiu where the reader is insecure about her stretch marks and during s*x Marc noticed she was trying to cover them and he moved her hands started kissing the stretch marks telling her she’s perfect/ beautiful and he loves her.. x not sure if u write for Marc ??

LOVE IN EVERY MARK // MARC GUIU

summary: your intimate moment with your boyfriend marc is interrupted by your insecurities gaining power over you and you covering your stretch marks

content: suggestive, insecurities, comfort, fluff

warnings: make out session

words: 712

a/n : sorry i could only provide a make out session, idk how to write smut yet :/

Marc and you are lounging on his couch in his apartment, enjoying the time together in each other's company. You haven't spent much time together lately due to your hectic schedules, so every moment alone is precious.

As you chat and laugh, the tension between you starts to build. You notice the way he looks at you, the way he playfully touches your hand as you're telling a story.

Sensing the energy shift, Marc leans in closer to you. His gaze is intense and filled with desire.

He cups your face in his hands, his eyes locking onto yours. "You know," he whispers, his voice low and husky, "I've been thinking about you all week."

Your heart skips a beat at his words, and you can feel the heat pooling between your thighs. You lean into his touch, not realizing how much you crave him until this very moment.

He closes the distance between you, pulling you into a deep, passionate kiss. His mouth moves against yours hungrily, his tongue exploring every inch. Hands roaming your body, touching every part of you as if trying to memorize your shape.

As the intensity between you and Marc increases, you begin to undress each other, exploring each other's bodies eagerly. The heat between your bodies is intoxicating, and you forget everything except the sensations you're experiencing together.

However, as you move into a position where your stretch marks are more visible, you suddenly become self-conscious. Automatically trying to cover them with your hands, hiding the imperfections you've always been insecure about.

Marc notices what you are trying to do, his eyes softening with understanding. He gently takes your hands away from your body, holding them in his own.

"Hey," he whispers, his voice filled with tenderness. "No tienes que esconderte de mí" ("You don't need to hide from me.")

He leans in and starts placing gentle kisses on your stretch marks, his lips softly touching each imperfection. "You're beautiful," he says, his words sincere. "I love every part of you, stretch marks included."

Tears well up in your eyes as you listen to Marc's heartfelt words. His acceptance and love for your body, imperfections and all, overwhelm you with emotion. You run your fingers through his hair, a silent gesture of gratitude.

Unable to find the words to express how much his words mean to you, you get up and straddle his lap, pulling him into a deep kiss. Your hands caress his face, your lips expressing your appreciation through the intensity of your kiss.

Marc responds eagerly to your kiss, his arms wrapping around you and holding you close. He deepens the kiss, his lips moving against yours with an increasing fervor. The heat between you is almost palpable, the intimacy of the moment heightening your senses.

He breaks the kiss for a moment, his eyes meeting yours. "I mean it," he whispers, his voice husky with emotion. "You're perfect, stretch marks included. Don't ever doubt that."

You manage to find your voice, your eyes searching his. "I love you," you say fiercely, your voice thick with emotion. "I am so, so lucky to have you."

You press your forehead against his, savoring the closeness and the feeling of his body against yours.

Marc grins, unable to resist the opportunity to tease you. He brushes his lips against your ear, his voice low and playful.

"You know," he whispers, his breath warm against your skin, "it's kind of adorable how flustered you get when I compliment you."

You playfully swat at him, a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. "You always do this," you tease. "You just can't help ruining romantic moments, can you?"

Marc laughs, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "What can I say? I can't resist a good chance to mess with you."

He pulls you closer, his hands resting on your hips. "But seriously," he adds, his voice softening, "I meant every word I said. You're beautiful, stretch marks and all."

The tension between you eased and replaced with a comfortable intimacy. The insecurities and doubts that had come up earlier are no longer a worry, as Marc's words and actions have reassured you of his love and acceptance. Making you feel like the luckiest girl on earth.

[punishing-eden]

So idk if you do smut or taking any request at the moment but if you do can you do Lee where he gets jealous? Like commandant is spending TOO much time with Wanshi being his pillow and all.

Author's Note:

Hi, you can still submit requests,I don't mind doing them from time to time. But rn I am a bit busy irl, so it will take a while for me to finish.

As of right now, I don't write Smut. At most, I could is implications of sexual acts. But not full pornographic details/paragraphs.

But also, a Lee and Wanshi sandwich????!!! 😍😍

I know I said this before, but I will say this again, I really need to get to Echo Aria.😢I have heard about their interaction and, Boi... it's *Chefs kiss*

Edit: aksjakjskaka, I made a huge mistake, it has now been fixed.😭😭

---------------------------------------------------

"Our" (Grey Raven's) Commandant...

Lee (Entropy) x Commandant/reader (ft. Wanshi)

Summary:

Lately, Lee has been experiencing a unique emotion whenever he sees you with another construct, Wanshi. Although, he was convinced it was just some malfunctioning of his M. I. N. D programming. His actions spoke other wise.

Needless to say, Wanshi seems know what was going on.

Tags: Tw: Jealousy, gatekeeping behaviour, request, mild fluff, one shot, a triangle

It started at thirty centimetres. By the time you came back to Babylonia from an earth mission, the proximity, between you and Wanshi shrank by ten.

A week later, it reduced to five, four, three, two, one, all the way to zero. Lee counted the units, whenever he saw you and Wanshi together.

He had been counting, the units on full display in his inner device. Recording the number of times that proximity unit reached to zero. According to his data, it happened more than a 'good' amount.

"I am sorry, but this is 'our' (Grey Raven's) Commandant," he once warned Wanshi, who only looked at Lee with a nonchalant expression. Eyes heavy with fatigue, Wanshi, whom, with a more mature way of thinking, only nodded and ignore Lee's statement. Keeping things civil, Hypnos hummed and walked away.

Without a doubt, it infuriated Lee. Holing up in his room, the construct ruminated in thought, while dismantling his gears. In his mind, you have been spending more time with Strike Hawk. At first, as Lee thought, it was all professional and work related. That was until, he noticed how close you and Wanshi were. A little too close for Lee's comfort.

Needless to say, he began to device preventative measures to bring an end to this madness. Doing everything he could to stop the proximity reaching to Zero. He went as far as to slot himself between you and Wanshi, accompany you everywhere, turning down opportunities of contact on your behalf.

Despite the efforts, he was disheartened. Upset, having spotted you sleeping with Wanshi in the training room.

You were fast asleep against Wanshi's chest cushions, all the while, the construct 'slept' in leisure. The fire arms were laying on the ground, unsupervised, and the scent of gunpowder lingered in the air.

There was a heavy feeling in Lee's chest, a set of emotions ruptured from his M. I. N. D., triggering his physical symptoms.

In denial, Entropy questioned himself. Back tracking through his schedule to see if it was something he did or damaged. Did the construct engineering team replaced the wrong gear? Replenished too much vital fluid?

'I must be overloading', Lee thought to himself.

He didn't say anything but went to carefully picked you up in his arms. It would be better to sleep in a bed.

Without a word, Lee carried you back to your quarters. Only to find you, once again, asleep with Wanshi the following night in the training room. Same again on the next following night again and again.

Gritting his teeth by how maddening this occurance was, Lee picked you up for the final time. You were still fast asleep, exhausted from the training.

The same set of emotions swirled in his M. I.N.D. Lingering his gaze as Hypnos, Lee clicked his tougne out of frustration.

"This is our Commandant," he mumbled, "go get your own..."

"... That's not how Strike Hawk works, you surely know that."

Taking a step back, Lee glared at Wanshi. Shifting in his sleeping position, with his eyes still closed, Hypnos gave a yawn before slowly, very slowly, opened his tired eyes.

Lee scoffed at his last sentence. Clearly hiding the embrassment, of his biased opinion being heard.

"Of course I know that," Lee replied, "But what are you doing, always approaching our Commandant?"

Wanshi only look back at Lee with an indifference gaze. Disinterested in engaging an argument, the construct began stretching before laying back down. Shifting, in a more comfortable position.

He closed his eyes and said, "We just so happen to fall asleep here. Commandant just wants to practise aiming."

There was a scene of you mentioning about your shooting skills played in Lee's memory data. During that time, he wasn't in for a small talk, and didn't put your concerns at heart. Thus, it was his own doing for pushing you to seek others for help. Maybe that's why you went to Wanshi instead.

"... Rest assure, I am not stealing your Commandant. I was just trying to help..." Wanshi quickly fell silent, entering into a slumber, he left Lee reflecting on his emotions.

After a long paused, Wanshi spoke up again, "... it's okay to be jealous"

For a split second there was an impulse urge for Lee to point a gun against Wanshi's head. But, Entropy quickly recovered. He gave Wanshi's sleeping form one last look before heading back to your quarters with his teeth gritted together.

******

To recieve a notice on the following morning, Wanshi realised he'd just recieved an offical complaint. Placing the tablet down on the coffee table, the construct just resumed his slumber on sofa.

"Wanshi," Chrome's voice snapped Wanshi awake, "Care to explain why we got an offical complaint?"

"It was just some misunderstanding..." Wanshi replied.

"Is that all you are going to say?" Chrome pressed further.

"It's not much of a big deal," Wanshi said, "just about jealousy."

Looking up at the ceiling, Wanshi gave a small smile before yawning and fall back asleep.

(C) Punishing-eden

[idealspawn]

i got the highest grade possible for one of my philosophical essays but i dont even care. my professor told me in the feedback that my writing style is too complex, again. im so tired of it. i felt like i already intentionally made this essay extremely simple in wording but apparently i didnt. if i made it even simpler the idea simply wouldnt be able to translate. i literally had a huge paragraph talking abt why schools shouldnt strictly push analytic philosophy onto everyone over continental philosophy. the sentences are complex for a purpose. the point of philosophy isnt only writing fucking dry concepts but the emotional poetic nature that comes alongside it which simply isnt achievable when following the idea that the shorter the words and the lesser the amount of words used gets the point across supposedly more authentically. long complex words are necessary for rhythm, for emphasis, for accuracy. using multiple adjectives is important to getting the point across same to everyone with all the correct etymological connotations exactly in the way the author intended it. every connotation isnt always implicit for the reader even if it is for the author. the point of complex writing is to take the reader by the hand and on an emotional journey through metaphysical rooms in the mind. the point is the process itself not the overly simplified outcome. the feeling is an integral and irreplaceable part to philosophy. you cant grasp complex ideas fully without using fucking complicated language. analytic philosophy claims to be more concrete but logic and structure alone without experiencing the emotions cant possibly be concrete. philosophy needs the poetic part too, desperately, for accuracy. im tired. i came to uni so i wouldnt have to baby everyone through my ideas because the audience i am writing to are LITERAL SPECIALISTS in the field. i am aware that SOMETIMES i can go too far with the complex sentence structures and its fair but a lot of the times its literally necessary. the professors or peers never even fucking tell me what exactly should be different or how i could change it. how am i supposed to work on it if idk what to work on. if i knew or agreed that my writing is clumsy and complex i wouldnt fucking write like this. it feels literally so bizarre, as if i am living a diff reality to others. how is it fucking possible that i SIMPLY cant see what everyone else around me sees in my writing. their generally suggested style of writing is what i usually perceive as clumsy not mine. i dont get it. i dont want my writing to be stripped of any fucking personality just to please people who fucking cant grasp complex ideas. im sorry i know i should write for the reader but i cant fucking change my expression that much either. i tried SO HARD to change it in this essay but apparently its still too complicated. if i went any further it wouldnt simply be my writing anymore bc its so deviated from my original style and ideas. the complicated structures also give access to the complicated ideas. fuck idk. im sorry i know its not that bad and im overreacting but this kind of feedback is driving me insane. i keep getting it and i try to change but i just cant. my f brain just works differently idk. i feel helpless.

[madtomedgar]

so there's a post going around about how if we were in the succession universe we would all be reblogging the video of roman's breakdown to make fun of him and like...

a) yeah, that would go viral like that and

b) i think that that's bad, actually, and part of the point of that scene, maybe.

So like... I love laughing at evil people experiencing consequences for being evil. Generally I also find random minor misfortunes befalling them funny. But there are a lot of things the internet seems to treat as like... funny or cause for celebration that I don't get. Like. I don't see how someone who is evil dying of old age in their bed surrounded by family is cause for celebration because I don't want that for them! I want them to get hit by a bus! I want them to die young so they can't spend decades destroying other people's lives! It is obscene to me that Antonin Scalia lived so long, while so many Gay people died so young. It is obscene to me that Ronald Reagan got to see 85 and Kieth Harring did not. The older they are the angrier I get because how dare they get so much life, and so many chances to destroy, at the expense of others. So like. Ok sure crab rave when the nasty octogenarian dies but like... we do understand that that's hollow, yeah? We understand that that isn't cosmic justice, right?

And also, I am pretty uncomfortable laughing at people who are evil for normal human things, like crying at their dad's funeral. Or being old. Or having caner. And I think like... yeah ok. Sympathy for the devil etc, Alinsky would roll his eyes so hard because the only important thing is winning and to win you have to take advantage of any weakness in your enemy, and when it's your communists they're glorious freedom fighters but if it's your enemy's communists then they're the end of civilization, BUT.

If one accepts that prefiguring is part of the work of creating the world we want to live in, and if the world we want to live in is one where we have rejected the conservative notion that it is not shameful to have a body that behaves like a body, or to experience and express emotions that have been deemed "weak" by reactionary and conservative philosophies, and if we actually believe all of that stuff about fascists etc being human as we all are, and not inhuman monsters, then...

Idk maybe part of it is that we aren't the kind of people who would mock you for crying because your dad died? Because sometimes the most life-changing thing you can say to a person is actually "I'm so sorry, that shouldn't have happened to you. That must hurt a lot." And like... do I think that "we should just be nice to them"? No, of course not. Is this maybe me just being annoyingly autistic about wanting people to be punished for the things they've actually done in a way that makes sense? Probably. Do I actually think it would have any impact on the Roman Roys of the world if the left responded with sudden sympathy to the video of him breaking down at the funeral, or would make him reconsider anything or change his actions? No.

But it's kind of like how you don't respond to the person who made the bigoted conspiracy theorist post debunking them because you think it will change their mind, but because it might make someone in their audience, or someone on the fence, stop and think and change their mind.

Like. And this is actually how whacko xtian "it's not a cult if it's christianity in america" cults get a lot of people, is they find them when they're vulnerable (like, grieving a loved one) and are just. So so so so so kind and sweet and comforting and supportive, while other people in that person's life are not. And so even though the person doesn't agree with them ideologically, they start going to them because they offer something on a human level that they need, and eventually the whacko beliefs become mandatory for maintaining relationships that person is now invested in and needs.

So like. I think what I'm saying is that while sure, mocking or not mocking Meghan McCain will have no effect on her politics either way, and mocking or not mocking the royals for being old will have no effect on them either, it will have an effect both on other people who agree with you and aren't evil, and an effect on conservatives who aren't famous but who also aren't entirely a lost cause as human beings.

Because it's hard to maintain the necessary cognitive dissonance of "it's funny when they cry because their dad died because they're evil and don't deserve sympathy, but when I cry because my dad died I do deserve sympathy and it's not funny because I'm not evil" when you're fucked up because your dad died. So like... are you actually going to feel good going to people you regularly see mocking people crying for good reason (not people crying because they experienced a consequence. your family dying isn't a consequence, it's an awful universal human experience) with your own pain? It's worth asking.

And also, if someone is a member of that white conservative macho culture that views any sign of humanity as weakness to be exploited, stamped out, or mocked, and something horrible happens to them, and the only people offering genuine sympathy and support are like... their gay cousin and their feminist coworker, that actually might make them reconsider which group of people really has their best interests in mind.

I have seen people get out of nasty christian evangelical cults this way. A family member committed suicide and their church was awful about it because they believe that that's a mortal sin and those people go to hell, and that choosing to do that was indicative of a lot of awful things about a person's character, and therefore they shouldn't be mourned and instead held up as a shameful object lesson for everyone else. And their coworkers who were either members of kinder gentler more liberal churches or who were not christians at all meanwhile were sweet and comforting and supportive, and treated this as a tragic loss and the dead person as someone worthy of love and of being celebrated and remembered. And they weren't high handed about it, like "well maybe that'll make them think about their horrible belief system," they were just there for this person in a non-judgemental way specifically when their church wasn't. And that, not anything about ideology or beliefs, had a major impact, enough so that they left that church (cult) not long later.

So yeah idk. I personally would not be reblogging that video if I lived in the succession universe and I think it's pretty obvious that he breaks down when and how he does specifically because that culture of conservative white machismo that he lives in views any kind of expression of grief as a weakness, and continuing to treat it that way, regardless of the other politics involved, only serves to perpetuate that white conservative machismo culture.

To br clear though I *would* reblog a video of Roman crying about his stupid rocket blowing up and mock him relentlessly for that, because that is just play stupid games win stupid prizes.

[alyjojo]

Family Ties 🤍 - July 2023 - Gemini

Overall energy: 8 Cups rev

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem.” Apparently that’s going to keep being the thing in my head when someone is the problem. In this case, it’s you dear. Judgement hopped out of the deck like five times during the preshuffle, and I’m getting that it’s your judgement of your family that’s caused a lot of pain. I gotta say, everything I’ve pulled in this reading so far reads like one long guilt trip. I personally am not a fan of that whole tactic as a means of coercion, it’s manipulative af, and you showing up as Queen of Swords probably agree. That could be something you deal with regularly. But for Spirit to communicate from this angle, it could be showing you as kinda cold and ruthless…unaware of the effect you’ve had on these people, thus the messages of hurt, shock, and heartbreak are what’s needed to be said more than anything. Idk & I don’t judge you 🙏

For 8 Cups to be rev shows it was once upright, and every row so far highlights you having left the family behind. I don’t get why, or who did what, just what it did to everyone. You probably cut them off altogether and stayed away for some time. Whatever you were hoping to find never materialized, you waited around for some time, for nothing, and now feel insecure and…like you’ve got your tail between your legs, about coming back around. Having to be held accountable for this Death. You don’t regret leaving, you regret that it didn’t work out, which probably isn’t what you should be feeling. Spirit, and your family, want genuine remorse. You’ve made these people feel like you don’t care about them. I don’t get that exactly, but I do get a “holier than thou”, know it all sort of attitude, and an “out of sight, out of mind” personality. You don’t feel remorse because they’re not directly in front of you, or haven’t been. Emotional detachment the a gift & a curse of all of the air signs.

Mother: 5 Cups & Queen of Swords

5 Cups is heavily focused on all that’s been lost, not paying attention to what’s still here, 2 Cups with your father. But she’s lost you, and it’s absolutely devastated her, 10 Swords. Dad has similar feelings, and the love between them is genuine. Mom is still trying to heal from your sudden absence, maybe also some words that were said before this occurred. She only wants you to come around again, at least to talk with her, being disconnected from you is one of the saddest and most painful things she’s ever experienced.

Father: 2 Cups, The Hermit, 4 Wands

Dad is probably more of a practical kind of person, he seems like a “stereotypical” man, when things are emotionally rough, he puts more effort into his work and keeping busy. He’s happy with Mom and the home they’ve created together, but he feels lonely, a lot. He’s probably the strong & silent type, but just because he doesn’t say things out loud doesn’t mean he isn’t hurting over them. He also may have dealt with a very serious work injury, accident, or event and has been home bound because of that. If you know that, and haven’t come around to check up on him, it makes him sad. He also has 5 Cups, with The Tower. It’s hard for him to express these emotions, but with your Mom it seems much easier for her, and he just mirrors everything she feels. He misses you.

Siblings: Knight of Cups & 7 Wands

I get one, and they’re a really sweet kind of person, the kind to give you the shirt off of their back if you needed it. They’re mad at you, probably because they’re sad too, but it comes out as mad. They’re also really smart, logical, balanced, and fair. They think what you did is bullshit, reckless, impulsive, and immature. It’s stupid you don’t talk to them at least - in their mind. They’ve got 7 Wands & Justice, they know they’re right 💯 They are someone willing to sacrifice for those they love, and are very kind normally. They don’t know why they can do it and you can’t. They could be Libra or have a dominant placement there. It will probably take some effort to heal this connection because their sadness & love are masked with anger & defensiveness. These are probably the hardest ones to overcome. Are they upset? Absolutely. Do they love you? Yes, that’s why they’re mad at you.

Grandparents: The Fool & The Hierophant

Either they got married very young, fast, and impulsively, and have just stood the test of time…or that’s why you ran off. Impulsively got married? Probably didn’t invite anyone, no one was involved, never spoke to anyone again? They’re also angry & disappointed. Specifically about the wedding if there was one, they would’ve liked to celebrate you, meet your person, etc. They’re old fashioned, you should’ve gotten gifts, had a party, family traditions and celebrations mean a lot to them. If you didn’t get married in a church, or have religious elements involved, that could be an issue with them too. I heard “Jewish”, that may or may not apply, moreso a specific custom or religious ceremony perhaps that’s dear to their heart. And maybe yours too, this does feel impulsive. Whether you did or you didn’t actually get married, then you probably ran off with some person, and you didn’t include them, call or come over. Their point of view is similar to everyone else’s. One day you’re here all of the time. The next, who and where is Gemini? They’re gone. Do they care?

Spiritual Ancestors: 4 Pentacles & 8 Swords

This message has a spicy 🥵 bite, idk if you have an ancestor that is sharp as a tack in their speech, cutting right to the point. I kind of get that they’re like you. Or whoever you were always told you were most like I suppose. You hold on tightly to your position on things, you’re stubborn, narrow-minded and full of bologna, is what I’m getting. You keep yourself trapped in a situation of non communication because of…nothing. You pretend to be blindfolded but really you tied it yourself, self sabotage. People really want you to open up and communicate. What Gemini doesn’t?? You could have some dominant Taurus or fixed placements with all of this stubbornness I’m getting on your side.

6 Pentacles is equal give and take, they want an exchange from you in the form of a conversation! I’m getting clear message of you pretending to act confused, avoidant, like you don’t know, yada yada excuses, and the message here is showing if you can be Queen of Swords, truth, communication, chatty and fair with most people, then you can also “cut the crap” and have conversations & connections your family. Whew 😅 damn. Even Spirit is defensive with you Gem. Even if your point of view is I married xyz in this way because of abc, sure but say that. I’m strongly getting no one here did anything wrong, it’s just differing perspectives, and they’re all looking at you like whaaat gives? I’m sorry Gem, this message is dragging your butt across sharp rocks fr, probably to prepare you for what to expect, because you’re being told to head back towards your family. They can’t know your side until you tell them, and you may want to avoid it, but you’ve got a whole group of people that just love you more than they judge you & they just want you around 💙 Overwhelm in the Oracle makes me laugh. No shit right? I’m overwhelmed just doing this reading 😆 Good luck!

Oracle:

Overwhelm

The hard work we love can leave us feeling burdened, drained, and burnt out, among others problems.

Reflection

Time to focus, balance, reflect, and guide yourself past stumbling blocks to take the right actions.

[qhazuban]

thoughts as i read "savage tongues" by azareen van der vliet oloomi, part 4

ok so here's an example. (also i'm reading the book in epub format and i really struggle with citations in this regard, especially with long chapters, which is something i need to figure out for my teaching!! but anyway...) in the first chapter, right, several pages in there's a section where the narrator says (I'm skipping over some parts with ellipses to highlight the areas that stand out most to me):

I was interested in how desire is shaped by the destructive logic of empire, how at times sex facilitates the transmission of historical violence from one body to another. Xavi [her husband], however, possessed a purity I'd never be able to access. He experienced sex as a bridge, as union, as an explosive, an exhilarating coming together; I didn't deny that was so, but that didn't constitute the entire inventory of my experiences. [...] [...] I resisted the line of thought that Xavi was sure would salvage me from my pain: demonizing Omar [someone who abused her] in order to purify myself. I had no interest in obliterating the contradictions of the past. To the contrary, I wanted to savor them. Xavi was, I felt, asking me to ignore the nuances of my relationship with Omar, the historical and political terrain that had informed it. He didn't see that in doing so I would be sacrificing my own sense of self and my ability to articulate that self in language. He didn't understand, at least initially, how his attitude, pure to the extreme, dispossessed me of my own narrative, my sexuality, my appetite for inquiry, my openness to examining the darkest aspects of human nature, the things most people prefer to look away from. I was left to raise the frightening questions alone. In the process of vilifying Omar, Xavi had unwittingly placed an invisible restriction on my speech; what I needed was an eruption of language. He couldn't tolerate the idea that I was complicit in my own destruction, that I had weaponized what little agency I had and wielded it against myself.

so i really like a lot of this! and it's totally something i would reblog or repost, or save to think about, ha.

but the thing is. even if this is just the beginning of the novel and all of this is explored better later, setting the novel up like this -- and having a stream of consciousness intellectual/emotional style of narrative -- only works if there are just as many questions and unanswered fragments and just -- emotions in the present, not only retrospective -- or maybe just if the language is explored more? i'm not sure. i just feel mixed about this. i think that we need more moments of perplexity and narrative confusion.

idk. i'm having trouble expressing this but, based on what i have been reading so far, as well as interviews with the author etc., it does not seem like there's really a lot of the... turning things on their head?... that i feel would actually make this kind of self-reflection more potent.

i think it probably comes across as *very* potent as-is to a lot of people -- and here i worry about sounding haughty again lol -- and it does feel potent to me too. but in an actual friendship or conversation or interaction or communication between diasporic writers and artists, if it were *actually* to be that and not the absolute shit that goes on in the sorry excuse of a literary world that currently exists -- in the moments that actually truly matter -- it's not just a restatement of what we know and we've read and realized and applied to our lives. there's restatement, yes, but there's also interpersonal hypocrisy and chaos and bizarreness and complexity that summing things up just won't work for.

and i worry that this novel -- in setting things up like this -- like how much can you explore scenes if you have already set things up with such clarity of self-actualization? i don't know if that makes sense. but i am just skeptical about what is actually happening here!!!

and also. so many times people say these kinds of things in the circles i've been part of. but what does it matter if, when it comes down to it, hardly anyone *actually* wants to do the extremely difficult work of exploring complicity, power, nuance, complexity, etc. in interpersonal situations???

[omiscurls]

Diluc, zhongli and childe reaction to their s/o breaking up with them after something they said, maybe after a week or so after they argument they think the s/o forgave them but they break up instead? I WANT THE ANGST

consequences

plot: reader decides to break up with the character after not speaking to them

contains: diluc, zhongli, tartaglia (idk how am i going to do this to my special boy but ill try my best)

warnings: angst, breakups, implied past toxic behavior

a/n: OH MY GOD THIS WAS SO HARD- I DONT HAVE THE HEART TO BREAKUP WITH PEOPLE

diluc

hopeless thoughts ran through your head as you fought with yourself about wether to enter angel’s share or not, hand halfway through to the doorknob. your mind hadn’t been made up just yet, you were still in between two very different scenarios - the urge to forgive him for his hurtful words growing stronger each day, as anger and other emotions subdued to loneliness and the feeling of a part of you missing, ever since the two of you stopped talking.

your mind flashed back to the exact moment when you looked into diluc’s eyes, always so soft and calm for you, forming a way of anger he never expressed towards you before. to the feeling you got right then and there that this man is not the same one you’ve met and fell in love with.

the process of coming to terms with that conclusion was as painful as the first strike of his angry glare, and even though he seemed to have realized the weight of his words right after saying them out loud, no matter how hard you tried, you could not erase them from your memory.

one strike of that pain, one memory of that night was enough to make you go through with your plan, door to the bar opening with a little screech.

it was like just another late afternoon, with charles tending the bar, knights and townsfolk filling the hot room, and the smell of alcohol traveling through the air.

“hi” you said to the bartender “is master diluc around?”

charles, busy with his work, quickly replied that he’s out back, opening a barrel. you nodded and went where his directions guided, pushing open yet another door to see the back of the man you loved, looking just as always from this angle, working over said chore. he didn’t even seem to mind the fact that someone walked in on him working.

“diluc” you said with a sigh, and he almost immediately turned around, tools falling from his hands and onto the ground.

“darling, hi” he replied quietly, walking over to you but stopping half way, eyes set to analyze your expression, figure out what was going on in your mind. “i’m glad you’re here safely, i haven’t heard from you in over a week” he added cautiously, as if weighing every word before deciding to say it out loud.

“well” you sighed again, once again going over wether you should actually break things off right then, mind taking pity on his troubled expression, tired eyes, on the obvious eyebags that were much more apparent than before, a sign that he didn’t catch too much sleep. “i had to come to terms with what i’m about to say”

he wanted to tell you he was sorry, he really did, but words didn’t seem to come out of his throat. obviously he was sorry, it was a bad day and he meant none of what he said, but you knew that, right? you knew he always cared for you and loved you… right?

he wasn’t the best with words, hence, the idea of apologizing with a gesture after you were done teaching him his lesson came to mind. a brilliant idea, one could never go wrong with a thoughtful deed for their significant other, just give him one more chance.

“and my conclusion is, we need to take a step back and… reevaluate things in our lives. i’m not saying this is the ultimate end, but what you’ve said, and how you’ve said it made me realize…”

you were making a good point. you were talking about your feelings. he should listen, but the only thing he heard was the blood pumping through his veins, and the two single words

the end

so there won’t be another chance? he won’t be able to prove himself? what do you mean, the end? the best thing that ever happened to him in his sad life was coming to an end because of him? but he was so careful, he treated you like his treasure, because that’s how he truly felt, like his lifeline, something he could never lose…

and all it took was one sentence too much, one glare too intense. for the first time in what, six, maybe seven years, his eyes began to water, as he blinked the tears back at a rapid pace.

“… and that was a shitty thing to do. i hope you know that. i don’t know if i had anything else i wanted to say, perhaps i did, but… that’s all. see you around, i guess” you mumbled, loosing confidence in what you were saying, taking one last glance at his lost eyes before turning around.

turning around from him, from the love of your life, was perhaps the hardest thing you ever had to do, and yet you did do it.

before you could reach the door again, though, a cold hand caught your forearm. your eyes met his, with just a glimmer of hope that he would magically say all the right words and somehow make you stay, you didn’t want to leave, yet knew you had to. if you wanted to preserve the respect you had for yourself, you had to leave.

why were you giving him time to say something?

his helpless gaze seemed to speak with a thousand words, begging, pleading you to not leave through that door, but as much as his lips did part, not a single word left.

he couldn’t say anything to hold you back, and you ripped away from his grip, turned, and walked away.

and just like that,

he was all alone, again.

he was gonna need a drink.

zhongli

tears flooded your vision, blurring every details of zhongli’s face, causing you to only see a pale color palette, instead of your favorite person, ever. maybe it was for the best, maybe it would make it easier, you thought, but that was a foolish thing to hope for.

even through the salty tears, you could make out his eyes, it’s glow never failing to guide you, and comfort you, now seeming to burn their way through you, through your body and soul.

“you’re stuck in another love, zhongli, we both know that!” you exhaled a bit louder than you intended to, the outcome sounding more like an accusation than a fact. “how can you ever say you love me, when it’s so obvious, and so apparent, that every time you look at me, you see someone else? you HOPE for someone else?”

you could only wish the words you spoke didn’t come out as a complete mess, because of those tears you were constantly choking on. desperation seeped through your voice, as the feeling of helplessness rose every time you looked at your lover and at the anguish, and confusion he presented.

how could he make this so hard? it’s not like you’ve presented some statement he didn’t know already, right?

you hoped your eyes would say all the things you didn’t trust your voice to. you hoped he’d somehow hear how all you ever wanted was to be enough, was to meet his standard, how it tore you open that every time he said <i love you> his eyes wandered everywhere but onto yours, how all his touches seemed absent, how all his compliments were truly about some other face, some other smile, some other kind soul.

the worst part was, how could you blame him? how can anyone, ever, blame someone for being in love, of all things? love was something beautiful, and once you’ve experienced it, you’re drowned in it forever, and don’t even want to see the surface again.

love is beautiful. when you’re the one who’s receiving it. love was beautiful, to you, too, when you loved how his wisdom flew through his words, how his kindness hugged your spirit, how his aura brought you comfort. you loved his eyes, you loved his cheeks, his lips, every single detail of his skin.

the love you felt made you complete, made you warm, until you finally realize the thing you should’ve seen much sooner.

that you were merely a mirror for him to look at someone else, someone long gone.

suddenly all the warmth you felt was directed back at you, burning you inside, making you wish you never felt it in the first place.

“aren’t you gonna say something?” you whispered.

his long fingers found their way to your hand, but you snatched it away.

if you fell onto his charms now, you wouldn’t be able to get out once more.

his breath hitched as he gathered himself to speak

“i want nothing more than to love you” he said, although quietly, it rang through your ears like the loudest of screams.

you scoffed.

“we both would’ve wanted that, then”

“and i’m sure i can, if you just—“

now, laughter was all that you were capable of letting out.

“zhongli, you can’t train yourself to love someone. and even if you could, then how do you think that would make me feel? like i’m so unlovable you had to force yourself through it to grow accustomed to a feeling similar to love?”

“that’s not what i—“

“that’s what it means! let it go, please, please just… let me go” you sighed, standing up from the bench over at liyue harbor that you were sitting on. the sun has begun to set on the other side of the sea, and you couldn’t help but notice, it would’ve been the perfect date.

“i do sincerely hope you’ll find someone who’ll love you just the same” he finally stated, as he gave up on trying to make you stay.

“why?” you chuckled “so i could make them suffer the same way you made me?”

tartaglia

(archons give me strength)

you found nothing but guilt, looking into the endless ocean trapped in his eyes. for the first time in forever, they glistened, but not with a spark of joy, like you always hoped they would, they shone a sickly shine, caused by a thin layer of tears, that didn’t dear to spill over his porcelain cheeks, almost as if afraid of making contact with the ruthless face of the number eleven of the fatui harbingers.

he could’ve easily been crying if only he let himself go. he would’ve been in tears, sniffing and coughing, but he just… wasn’t. he held those tears in the gates of his eyes, as if his life depended on it.

the guilt you found inside them, wasn’t his, but yours. you felt guilty, watching this composed, confident man fall into pieces right before you, crumbling before your sight. why were you doing this? you seemed to forget all those terrible things you’ve heard just from the way his irises begged for forgiveness and brows furrowed in inexplicable sadness.

but you couldn’t, no, this time you couldn’t.

“my word” you swore on dear life you’d burst into tears if your voice shook right now “my word is final. we’re over. and that’s… that’s it. you need to understand that there won’t be another chance.”

the moment his lips parted, you knew you were lost.

“i have told you so many times already, but i will say this as much as i need to, it will never happen again! i swear, on everything i love and everything that i am, i swear on life itself, i won’t ever let that happen again! you know i won’t! come on, i promise you, if there’s anything you can say about me is i do keep my promises, don’t i? darling, please…”

“promise yourself to heal and become better, first” you stated coldly, watching faith disappearing slowly from his fixed look.

“im sorry, you know i am, im sorry, im sorry, im so fucking sorry!” a scream left his throat as desperation took over both reason and self-respect.

“sorry isn’t gonna cut it”

“then what will? i’ll do anything, anything in the world, anything to prove myself to you. i get that you can’t love me, i understand that, but please, let me win your trust again.”

he said unnaturally calmly, compared to what he did before, and you got concerned immediately.

i understand that you can’t love me, his words rang through your head. oh god, what were you doing? guilt stroke again, right at where you felt your heart to be.

right when you wanted to turn around and leave, he must’ve sensed that, and pulled you into a tight embrace. not suffocating, as they often describe it, not toxic and desperate, but… as loving as every other hug you’ve ever received from him. as calming and grounding, even though you could feel his heart racing. he didn’t refuse for you to leave, he didn’t trap you.

you understood after a while,

he was saying goodbye. all the love trapped inside his heart seeped out onto you, all his feelings surrounding and engulfing you.

“let me promise you this” he whispered, voice shaking painfully “the next time i’ll see you, i’ll be a better man. someone you will be able to be proud of, someone worthy of both your trust, and love. i won’t stop until i’ll be enough for you to look at me without the disgust and fear you have now. i promise. i’ll be better.”

“until then, then.” was the only thing you were capable of saying before leaving.

as soon as the door shut behind you, you rested against a wall and covered your mouth with a hand, unable to hold your tears any longer.

you heard a cry through the door. so he does have some feelings left, after all

your daily reminder that requests are open [here]

[saitolover]

🐱 jumin’s route thoughts!

note that it’s been a few days since ive completed these endings / dlc so my memory might be a bit shaky of the entirety of them. i have some screenshots to go off of but that’s it lol. these are just some of my random thoughts and such that i have about jumin’s route when coming back after many years into the game again.

the reason i originally chose specifically to do jumin’s was because 1. i only have time for one route due to college, & 2. i remembered that he and zen were my favs back then. originally i was going to also write about the bad ending 2 & dlc but i lazy! lmao.

tldr; this is just my personal thoughts as i went through jumin’s route, feel free to add / comment anything. ^_^ i talk a lot about his character/past/actions, kinda like an analysis but not really since i am a dumbass & might be incorrect about some things. but in conclusion, jumin is very Complex character and can have some 🚩 tbh but he is very much still my little scrumgus i love jumin So Much. <3 he needs some tlc, a big hug, and also therapy. past me had great taste.

long thoughts under the cut! spoilers ahead for jumin’s route & slight spoilers for his bad ending/dlc.

📱COMMON ROUTE

just wanted to say, it was extremely nostalgic to open up the game again after many years! i first started playing in 2016 (!!) but probably played again during quarantine in 2020ish (cannot remember). i came back in honestly not knowing ANYTHING about what would happen in jumin’s route. my memories are extremely shaky abt the game other than the main plot points involving v, rika, seven, & saeran. but my knowledge still was kinda low lol.

v’s birthday art is super pretty btw!! loved the homescreen image of it. the max speed feature is very nice, i probably should buy it since it’s only $3 but oh well. maybe if im really into the game? anyways, chatting in the messenger again is so weird lol it’s such a throwback and i definitely missed these guys’ shenanigans. literally zen complimenting himself so much was hilarious for some reason?? 😭 yoosung being a relatable college student, me feeling so bad for jaehee <3 girl does not deserve to be overworked like this all the time ?!?! and jaehee also complimenting zen’s looks as well as being his biggest fan LMAO. seven doing seven things (do not need to explain further). and jumin being the more serious and cold guy who also loves his cat and doing whatever he wanted sometimes. and saying random shit HAHA. which is sometimes a personality i would like in otome games (See: Saito). so im here like hm, i think i see why past me liked jumin! he probably warmed up to the mc and got really cute and romantic or something? and not at the way everyone kept on saying jumin might be “androgynous” LIKE you guys. do you mean aromantic or ???

📱 JUMIN’S MAIN ROUTE

okay first of all: sorry in advance if theres some random gaps between what im writing/events im talking about. idk i only have some screenshots to work off of and what i remember with my bad memory? but moving on, here’s my thoughts as i went on with jumin’s route.

okay, so glam choi and sarah are a thing in the story now. jumin is just annoyed - seems like he’s only encountered women who try to take advantage of him / only try to speak with him as if theyre wanting to get something in return, like money, as i believe the story framed? and how he was genuinely sad about his father trying to make him get into a marriage, especially because he was one of the only ones who had treated him with “love” in a way where he wasnt having a relationship where an exchange or reward would always be expected. his past with his mother (which i will might talk about more eventually) also shows how jumin has been raised to be more methodical and just. like a robot honestly, raised with no love and any time to express his emotions after being so… emotionless? he was never really taught that feeling, and ig it could be difficult to “teach” if he’s never really experienced much love or time to find times where he could be happy, sad, etc. etc. when he’s at home all the time surrounded with expectations and studies to prepare to become a ceo. okay kinda went off and mentioned the dlc anyways, but whatever. there’s a lot more to jumin’s character, which makes him complex imo and although i dont think i’ll be able to cover everything, just wanted to say that there’s been a lot going on for him, but it still cant completely excuse his actions at times!

and please note this is just my opinion on a fictional character, i would be glad to hear any thoughts anyone reading this has <3 this is a little personal analysis/thought post and there could (and could be a high chance) that i am wrong about some things! :] so take what i say with a grain of salt bc tbh im writing this all in one try and probably wont reread what i have, mainly a big fat ramble / word dump here!

i remember lowkey being confused about how fast mc & jumin’s relationship escalated at first bc it went from yeah just casually chatting in the casual route to everyone saying that mc has been the one causing jumin to smile more, to speak out more openly about his actual emotions for once, etc. but im not complaining, i still loved how jumin would say he would call mc just to hear their voice, saying it would calm him down and feel better. and other stuff along those lines. also why is his deep voice so hot.

biggest and greatest shoutout to jaehee being the best employee ever??? like, she’s been working overtime ALL THE TIME, doing extra work for jumin like researching about the scandals, having to reschedule things after jumin acts unreasonable 💀 while trying to keep everything in order. she deserves a raise, a promotion, a break, a vacation. like, i am picking every option that is defending her or telling her to take a break or that she’s doing great!!! i love jaehee and i hate to see how she never gets rest or food :[ not healthy, i was SO GLAD that she was able to finally get a vacay at the end of jumin’s route, but now im like, girl deserves to quit honestly if she was constantly treated like that at work 😭 which im glad it what happened in her route, which also makes me want to play her route next but i have no time. and now i will shut up and continue writing.

okay, so i remember i was kinda loving jumin again at this point lol. i remember just liking how he became more romantic & the times where he would be jealous. a lot of the phone calls he had were also great, and it was cute that he made pancakes for breakfast, & how he read a bedtime story like. pretty cute stuff!

LMAO and then i was like hm the red flags are kinda showing! but i am a bull and i love chasing red flags! jumin wanting mc to only look at him - you got it sir. possessive jumin! the kiss scene was surprising - honestly very unexpected bc he just kissed mc so randomly ??? at least he said that he was originally thinking of asking mc for permission or something like that? but yeah soap opera scene that i was like hm. then he was like “you can suck in all my emotions. you can be mine.” and i was like. oh. elizabeth’s disappearance is REALLY gonna make a difference here, huh. for the first time, jumin realized that he never really had someone like mc before? jk, he had rika and v with him back then where he was also open to them, but i feel like the biggest thing was how vulnerable jumin was atm? like, he’s in this fight with his father, who he had always been close to. rika and v are both not around to consult with. elizabeth had gone missing. he was beginning to refuse to listen to rta members and instead begin to protect who he had left, similar to the way he had described how he felt better after seeing elizabeth in a cage as opposed to when she was walking freely. he definitely needs to speak to a therapist himself. but without support from others, it probably was what he saw as one of the only solutions he can turn to? this was the first time he’s started to really open up and speak about his feelings bc he’s always just. never had a chance to be able to express them or be able to explain them ?! never really was taught these things, though it seems like he was also aware that it wasn’t right. lots of things going on showing that yeah, he definitely was not doing okay emotionally in the first place, pretty much!

this is kinda getting long now?? and im a bit lazy to continue writing so much more, so ill stop rambling too much and cover more. the way jumin was getting extremely possessive too was worrying like 🫢🚩 he really said we have everything in this penthouse! stay here forever and ill protect you from the outside world and its dangers! let me own you! and i was like sure, take me away when i did the bad ending. sorry for indulging ? BUT DAMN it was very unsettling to see him say that he would OWN mc like ??? ayo what!

and then all the rfa members were like ah. hopefully jumin is having a Very Healthy And Normal relationship as they speak in the chat room. while jumin and mc enjoy a nice dinner with jumin speaking about how great it would be for mc to stay home and try on all the things he had for her while never returning to the apartment! day 2 with jumin on his home - any way out? who knows! zen rlly was like. GET MC OUT OF THERE.

everything that happened in jumin’s route was just ESCALATING 📈📈📈 okok but from my screenshots, it begins to show how jumin is like. Yeah. i am pretty Bad and Dark for doing this and having all these thoughts that he doesn’t really know how to address ? emotions that he’s never had before coming out like hello! and he’s like, wtf do i do with you guys? he’s having a hard time out here. very open to mc who is, atm, the only one who could help him sort out his emotions & depending on the choices you choose, could really determine what jumin ends up doing with his emotions and how much he can control them? and like, mc can either feed into a more healthy relationship where jumin begins to feel like he does deserve love and that these feelings might stem from how little he felt in the past. or mc could feed into a much harmful/toxic relationship as seen in the bad ending. !!! very interesting huh. also shows how much jumin has begun to depend on mc after everything that happened in these last like. two days.

now im like 💀 this is the most ive ever written for a review so far yet, i literally just dumped out some random thoughts i had on 4 hours of sleep, and i should def be sleeping rn!! but it’s okay!! sorry if i wrote anything that doesn’t make sense in these last paragraphs ??? i wont cover the seven and yoosung at mint eye hq to save time/space.

on a more light hearted note: yay!!! jaehee finally gets her vacation!!! jaehee gets justice!!! also watching zen and jumin bicker in the chat room is honestly one of the most hilarious things in this game. jumin in the chat room with mc plus another member usually ends up with the member becoming a third wheel and also very annoyed when jumin and mc are like i miss you <3 you’re so cute <3 ily <3 and every single rfa member is absolutely begging them to just privately message each other at this point lmao. AND NOT @ JUMIN HAVING THE WHOLE MARRIAGE THEME GOING ON HIS RFA ACCOUNT???! 😭😭😭 but i would happily marry jumin. so yeah at this point it was pretty much guaranteed i was getting the good ending, didnt get the bad ending during the route so we are here with jumin being very romantic in the chat room! 🫢

💙 JUMIN’S GOOD ENDING

homestretch! we made it to day 11 of the party!! the new home screen again is sooo cute. i didn't know they changed it up when it's party day! also looking at everyone, realized that jumin is So Cute. i love his looks. just a very handsome guy. love him for that. i am going to make this extremely short because i am now tired of doing all of this analysis and deep thinking. i want to make funnies of jumin and my headcannons of him now. scrumgus. i don't even know if that's the right word i'm thinking of but the energy scrumgus gives describes my love for jumin yay! it was nice seeing the rfa meet mc for the first time in person, and it was also great that the entire party was voiced! it felt weird hearing them talk tbh its like. i only know their voices from their little emojis. and the occasional phone calls. okay but that is getting off track. loved how dramatic jumin was for this party. he invited glam choi and sarah, and had this Great Big Speech that sarah was totally in love with, and instead it ended up being about mc. lmaooo. i cannot remember but was jumin the one who chose mc's dress? or am i just remembering wrong? idk. i also need to read the after ending (after forgetting that it existed for a second!)

🐱 FINAL CONCLUSION

wow. jumin's route was definitely a very big and twisty roller coaster. i wish i had completed the common routes before replaying jumin's route again just to be able to see and compare how emotionally open jumin was in his route compared to in other routes? like, we get a glimpse of just your everyday business jumin in the common route, but idk. i just wish i got screentime(?) of everyone in general too!

i love jumin a lot. after living his life filled with these expectations of being a ceo. being the perfect employee (which i also found interesting to hear about how everyone had admired/looked up to him at work. he's definitely skilled at what he does, and he barely mentions anything about that himself!) and then the way he began to actually open up? love that for him.

i love jumin a lot actually. and it was pretty nice for me to look over and think about everything after completing his route in general. even though my memory is garbage (tbh had to heavily rely on the screenshots i took), i liked being able to take the time to kinda add in my thoughts on everything while i typed this all out. literally did not do any thinking at all. i have no brain or patience for that and i rarely write this big ass essays or whatever this ended up becoming??? nice change. idk if i'll ever do this again, not my style and i had to force myself to finish this. also am Nervous of posting this T_T. but yeah! i love jumin. i am a jumin stan. and again, if anyone would like to correct me or add on to anything that i have written here, that would be very cool with me! review that got pretty rushed in the end is finally done hooray!

[red-doll-face]

Here is a request for slashers if they're open. My brain does a thing where I am affectionate w a person but if I get nudged away (even if it's just to readjust the position), it goes "oh no. They don't want u to touch them. Do not touch ever again or they will get mad at u. U disgust them." Even tho touch is my love language & it hurts, I just won't touch. If confronted, I will get confused & panicky cuz "u didn't want me to touch? Im respecting ur wishes? Did I miss something?" Its a mess.

Requests are indeed open, I’m sorry I take foreverrr to do these but i hope u enjoy! I don’t know what to call this tho. For simplicity’s sake I’m calling this nervous reader lmao, idk what else to call these.

Slashers x gn nervous Reader

Jason Voorhees:

Jason can very much relate to the feeling. When he first meets you, he’s sure that you’re frightened. He restrains from being too close to avoid coming off as overbearing, doesn't want to touch you because if you flinch he’ll be so hurt. He just assumes he disgusts you. Based on the reaction all of his other victims have when they see him, he’s sure you’ll probably be the same.

Once Jason is sure that you don't feel that way, he’s a cuddle monster. He wants to be close all of the time, holding hands, letting you sit in his lap, you name it. He’s so starved and quickly decides that touch is his love language too. He’s not even sure how he’s lived this long without it.

The only time I can see Jason maybe gently sort of setting you down elsewhere and walking off is when he senses strangers on the property of what once was Crystal Lake. He’s out the door before he can even see your hurt expression, Which is worse because this might lead you to jump to conclusions.

If you distance yourself from Jason, he immediately is thrown off. He can’t directly ask you if he’s done something wrong and when he tries to initiate affection with you and you don’t reciprocate whole heartedly, he’s at a loss.

He’ll get on one knee while you sulk on the couch and give you a silent plea to tell him what's wrong. You can panic and try and avoid it but he is certain there's something going on and he wants so badly to know what he’s done to put you off. You tell him and he immediately is shaking his head no, he could never be mad at you, never be disgusted with you. You’re the most breathtaking person he’s ever had the pleasure of holding, the first, most likely.

Jason nods because he understands how you feel. In the future, he’s persistent about how you feel when he untangles himself from you, making sure you’re ok.

Michael Myers:

In the later stages of your relationship, Michael is insatiable when it comes to being in contact with you. For a long time, towards the start of your relationship, he didn’t like it. It felt weird. All of the touch he's experienced prior was so clinical and sterile that he doesn’t quite know how good touch is supposed to feel. He’s so touch starved that he’s almost positive he doesn't even need it.

Slowly, he builds a tolerance for it, much like one does with alcohol, constantly checking his boundaries and letting him control the situation and he’s all for movie night, huddled up on the couch, or waking up with his head on your chest. His own personal pillow.

There are, however, moments when his need to make someone tremble with fear and then blodgeon them to death with a can opener from their own kitchen becomes too strong, so he tries to keep away from you. In the past, he might have used you to satisfy similar desires of a sexual nature and may have really hurt you but he knows that it’s not always enjoyable to you.

Then, you stop touching him. Much like Jason, he starts to think you’ve become sick of him. Sick of his coldness, his muteness, his withdrawn demeanor. Maybe you’ve moved on and he tries to tell himself he doesn’t care but he doesn't think he can see himself touching anyone but you now.

It gets to the point where he comes home one day and you look heavily troubled, expressions he’s seen on your face before, only in the event that something terrible has happened. You ask to speak to him and he obliges.

You explain that you don’t think this relationship is working, that you’re pretty sure he’s disgusted with you and how difficult this event is because you didn't even want to talk about it but it's been hurting you for too long.

His response is to stand up very slowly, pick you up and lay down with you over him, simply laying there. Hopefully, knowing you’re the one person he would ever allow to participate in this intimacy is enough to show you that you mean more than you think you do to him.

RZ Michael Myers:

This Michael is more perceptive to your touch than his counterpart, your touch sends little shivers down his spine and as soon as he gets pretty used to it, he’s eager for more. This also takes some time but significantly less. He’s enamored with the idea of returning to a somewhat normal life. Your affection grounds him in that fantasy as much as being a murderer might take him out of it.

As he establishes a relationship with you, he may even be the one to start touching you instead of the other way around. He’s read books and always wondered what it might feel like to have someone genuinely touch him without fear in their eyes. Without malice.

An unsuccessful ‘day at work’ might have Michael feeling a little het up though. He can be moody and more rageful. Neither you nor his hobbies can calm him. He seems colder than usual in these states and can come off as very standoffish.

So when you try and touch him and he shrugs your hand off his shoulder, he can’t or isn't in the state of mind to address your frown and worried look. Michael, instead stomps off somewhere to be alone for a while; maybe take his anger out on something else. Some unsuspecting soul or maybe even a poor animal in the wrong place at the wrong time.

After he’s calmed down some, he returns and almost forgot about that sad little gleam in your eye before he left. Michael remembers when he sees you blankly staring at the TV, pointedly avoiding his gaze even as you utter a weak welcome home. It’s not very welcoming. He sits stiffly beside you, watching you from the corner of his eye. You’re closed off from him and he doesn't like it at all.

Migrating towards you slowly, he eases you into a familiar hug, his big bear hugs that are a little tight but inviting all the same. His huge torso and long arms seem to swallow you in his warmth. You hardly reciprocate. You look a little surprised. Though he never addresses it verbally, (which is probably better for you) Michael offers a single glance that communicates everything he needs to say. Don't ever think that again.

Thomas B. Hewitt:

Thomas’ self esteem issues and self image are not good. He honestly doesn’t like to imagine what he looks like to other people unless it can be as a threatening man you don’t fuck with. Meeting you, he realizes that it’s good to protect his family but he’d rather you not see him as someone only capable of harm. Tries his best to get the point across that while Hoyt may be adamant that horrible things happen to you, he’s not going to let them.

Thomas has received affection but always a familial affection. A pat on the back from Monty, proud claps to his shoulders from uncle Charlie, and hugs and kisses from his dear Mother. Nothing so foreign as a strangers touch over his arm or a soft embrace.

Unfortunately, Thomas can get reactive when you attempt to touch him without his mask on. He’s absolutely settled on the false reality that you’ll see his face and immediately decide that you never want to touch him again. Interacting with you with his bare face? That's a no for Thomas.

He puts on his mask that covers the scarred skin over his face and you look dejected. He was preparing for you to pressure him but instead finds himself trying to find out why you won’t touch him now. It’s not his face, is it? You respond with your reasoning. Thomas is so confused. How could you think that you disgust him? That he doesn’t want you to touch him?

He’s quicker than the others and immediately sweeps you up into his arms and holds you as close as humanly possible. Feeling disgusting and like some sort of burden is a feeling he’s so familiar with and if he can take it away from you, he will.

Will aggressively initiate touch with you for the next week or so just to solidify the fact that he cares about you and won't reject you just as you didn’t reject him.

Bubba Sawyer:

Bubba is a great cuddle buddy and partner. Hugs are his favorite and he hugs his brother all the time, lifting both Nubbins and Chop Top into the air for some brotherly love. If you’re smaller than them he’s all about picking you up and perhaps a little rough housing with you. He’s careful though or at least there are attempts made to be careful

Bubba, though he could easily spend the whole day doing nothing and everything with you, has work. Chores, butchering. Cooking, and tending livestock. Plenty to do at the sawyer house and he does most of it. Suffice to say there are times when you want to lather attention all over him yet he has to go back to work.

So caught up in work that he doesn't get what's going on til way later, when you’ve had time to stew in your emotions, firmly telling yourself that Bubba is annoyed by you probably. He’s baffled and confused at your silence, your crossed arms. The little furrow in your brow. He can already tell there’s something upsetting you.

Honestly, Bubba is so affectionate I can’t see him being the kind of person even capable of alluding to the fact he might be disgusted by you. How, if all he wants to do is love you? You may bring it up as a joke that you thought he didn’t like you and he almost seems offended. Not like you?

Bubba can squash any feelings you may have about that and then some. He will not let you drown in insecurities, not on his watch. This man will do everything in his power to make you feel beautiful because you really are.

I’m sorry these are super long but thanks for requesting!

[arwenkenobi48]

The PDF That Saved My Life - Why I Love “All Tomorrows” With All My Heart

(Content Warning: Discussions of trauma, suicidal ideation and sexual abuse)

*clears throat* So, as some of you may be aware, the past few weeks haven’t been easy, not in the least. I was struggling with serious suicidal urges and feeling extreme anguish towards my own body and soul. I believed myself to be tainted, filthy and all manner of destructive and negative things.

The reason behind this breakdown was due to the realisation that I had experienced sexual harassment and assault multiple times throughout my life, including an occasion last year in which I was groped by an immediate relative. I had been aware of the incident since it happened, but was in denial. I was thinking “It couldn’t have been that bad, right?” But after trying unsuccessfully to repress it, I had to face the facts that she did what she did. I was heartbroken and I’m still deeply saddened by the realisation. Everything just seemed to fall apart and I psychologically imploded, plummeting into a dark pit of worthlessness and childlike sorrow. I felt as if I had been thrown into a mental oubliette; just tossed away and forgotten about on every level. Whenever I wasn’t bawling my eyes out and grieving my lost innocence, I was stress-eating and lying in bed, feeling nothing. Every now and then, I’d receive a short burst of energy, but nothing substantial, and the feelings remained.

Despite all of that, though, I didn’t want to die. A small part of my mind wanted to hold on and ride out these waves of suicidal thoughts. But I also knew I shouldn’t have to be going through this cycle of building up and breaking down, so I finally managed to seek professional help. There’s another thing that also pushed me towards seeking help and eventually guided me out of this dark place, and that’s the work of science fiction I mentioned in the title. All Tomorrows by C. M. Koseman (I hope I’ve spelled that right).

I don’t remember exactly how I came across it, but I think it was the video by Alt Shift X on YouTube that did it. As you can imagine, my dark thoughts weren’t only directed towards myself, but the world at large. I was wondering how life could be so cruel as to let something so horrific happen to me. I saw the thumbnail of that video and I didn’t know what it was. I had vaguely heard of All Tomorrows, but was more familiar with the much more nihilistic Dougal Dixon book Man After Man, and as such I got the two confused. I clicked on the All Tomorrows video, barely paying much attention and dismissively thinking: “oh great another sci-fi dystopia that predicted humanity’s inevitable downfall”.

What that video showed me absolutely blew my mind. As I discovered C. M. Koseman’s intricate worldbuilding science fiction project, I became fascinated and enthralled by the journeys and evolutions of the various post-human species, from the fun-loving Satyriacs and the mellowed out Snake People, to the bloodthirsty Killer Folk and the horrifying Bone Crushers. Yes, many of the stories were very, very sad. The Mantelopes lost everything and devolved because intelligence was so painful. The Striders, Titans and Temptors were all wiped out before they had the chance to truly reach their full potential. The Qu and Gravitals, one could say, ruined everything. But what truly amazed me was the fact that many, many of these stories also contained great happiness.

The Colonials, for example, suffered through the kind of torture that I wouldn’t wish on the Devil himself. Being wedged together into a wall of flesh bricks, all while retaining intelligence. And yet, they managed to turn into the beautiful Modular People and create a utopian society. Yes, the Killer Folk are traditionally violent, but the ones that made the biggest progress were the ones that chose peace over war. The Satyriacs started off as the mindless Hedonists, but were able to use their intelligence to appreciate every moment of their joyful lives. The lowly Worms became the comfort-loving Snake People, always able to appreciate the little things in life. The flattened Lopsiders rose up from the ground and became the proud, tall Asymmetric People. The list goes on, but you get my point.

The point is, even though this future humanity went through the sort of Hell that makes the past few years look tame by comparison, they always managed to rise up. Sure, nothing was ever quite the same again, but they managed to make something new and wonderful out of that. When you cut an orange, you may not have a whole fruit anymore, but you have lots of slices that can be shared with everyone. The best thing you can do is move forward. The future will always hold something better for you, even if that seems impossible. Don’t be afraid to reach for it. The final quote of this incredible piece of sci-fi wiped away the remnants of dark still clinging to me: “Love today and seize all tomorrows.” To me, that meant “Be a kind soul and you can achieve anything.”

This entire story ignited a strong feeling of empathy within me; an emotion I thought I was too traumatised to ever properly feel or express again. I think that was the point. Sure, the many strange post-humans may not look like us, but we cannot deny that they are human and that brings out the best in us. We shouldn’t be afraid to show empathy for our fellow humans. Thinking lowly of what collectively proves to be our best quality, claiming we’re “above” it and aiming to become “bigger than” everything else deprives us of our humanity. Empathy, compassion, love, that’s what makes us truly powerful. If we can learn to love today, the utopian future we all dream of will finally be ours.

Love is something that, from an early age and for over half my life, I was never truly given. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give it to others. Just as the post-humans were able to move forward and rise from the ashes, I fully intend to do the same. I’m safe now. The people who hurt me are gone from my life and will never hurt me again. I’m surrounded by loving friends, in a city I love, attending a university I love, receiving the therapy I need to heal and soon to be medically transitioning too. Even though I still struggle to accept it, I’m learning to love myself as well. I think that’s the greatest love someone can ever feel. If I continue to love each today that comes, all the tomorrows will be brighter and brighter.

And to think this all started because of a PDF about the hypothetical future of humanity. I’m determined to hold on no matter what. Idk if C. M. Koseman uses tumblr or any other social media for that matter, but if he comes across this somehow, I just want to say “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be here today without All Tomorrows.”

https://youtu.be/-WIk29qtrIo

(PS: I know I have stumbled and made mistakes on my platform as well. I’m still a little bit unsteady after being in such a dark mental state for so long. I’m sorry about that. I am doing better. Thank you all if you made it this far. I love and appreciate every single one of you.)

[forever-rogue]

Would you be up for writing a SMUT fiction with the one & only, Marcus Moreno? Where Y/N is like 5 years younger then Marcus, but they fall in love anyway. Y/N meets his daughter and they have dinner together, but then she has a sleepover at a friends house and then Marcus and Y/N fuck? 😂 Idk, something like that.

I love Marcus so much, okay? I am weak for this man! Enjoy - this does have spice, the sweetest of spice - 18+ only!

Marcus Moreno x fem!reader; warnings: smut

Pedro Characters Masterlist

»»————-　♡　————-««

Marcus was a man of many things - conviction, steadfast in his ways, kind, selfless, funny, handsome - the list went on and on. But among the many things, he was also incredulous at the fact that someone like you could be smitten with him.

But here you were - his lover, his friend, his partner. So many brilliant things all wrapped into one. He'd been hesitant to approach you, considering himself to be too dorky, too lame, and too old. He was only a few years older, nothing much, but it had never seemed to bother you. As soon as he'd met you and felt that familiar warmth wash over him, he'd felt like an old fool.

 More times than you could count had you caught him staring at you with that silly, goofy smile on his face. But he was never going to make a move, no, nope, definitely not. That would have been a sin, practically blasphemous and he would never entertain the notion and he was nervous just thinking about it and -

You had casually strolled him up after a mission, giving him a smile before sitting down next to him and cutting to the chase.

"Do you want to go out with me?" Marcus nearly spit out his coffee as you sat there and watched him a soft smile tugging on the corners of your mouth. Once he calmed down and quit coughing, he opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to get his bearings.

"Do I...what?" he pushed up his glasses - surely he couldn't have heard you correctly.

"Do you, Marcus Moreno," you pointed at him with a bemused expression, "want to go out with me? And I'll make this super clear, do you want to go out with me on a date, with romantic intentions? I'd like to take you to dinner sometime."

"Me?" he bumbled as a tinge of pink flushed into his cheeks.

"Of course you," you laughed lightly at him and he visibly relaxed at the warm sound, "unless there's another Marcus Moreno around I should know about?"

"I...no..no. Only me."

"I hope not," you insisted as you reached over and straightened his glasses, "because I'm quite fond of this one. You don't have to of course...please tell me if I'm overstepping boundaries since you are technically the boss. And perhaps I flatter myself with thinking you might feel the same."

"I'd love to," he nodded as he relaxed and grinned back around you, "I...ugh...yeah. I'll really like that."

"Great," you beamed at him, making him melt all over again, "its a date."

»»————-　♡　————-««

That had been a few months ago, and some days he still couldn't believe his luck. Then again, neither could you - how you had gotten on lucky as to call Marcus your own you would never know. 

Marcus had been nervous about stepping back into the dating field, well you, you were the first and only, but you'd made it so easy. There was never any awkwardness or worry or fear...it all just fell into sweet, blissful place. 

The thing he has been most nervous about though was Missy. Her approval meant everything, she was his world after all. But he also wanted you to like her because you were also becoming an increasingly big part of his world.

But his worries had been for naught because you fell in love with the young girl when you'd met her and vice versa. Now the two of you were thick as thieves, often ganging up on him. Not that he minded of course; his heart hadn't felt so full and happy in a long time and that was everything to him.

"Honey?" you put your hand on his shoulder before giving it a gentle squeeze. Marcus had been halfway through stirring a pot of pasta, homemade that afternoon by yourself and Missy, but had completely zoned out. As soon as he felt your gentle touch he seemed to snap back into reality, a small smile crossing his features. You gently tapped the side of his before he leaned in and kissed you, "What's going on up there, Moreno?"

"Nothing," he turned back to the pot and gave it a final stir before putting the lid back on. He reached for you,  his hands easily finding purchase on your hips as he tugged your towards him. You made a small sound of surprise before snaking your arms around his neck and carding a hand through his dark locks, "just thinking about how much I love you."

Love. That's what this was. He knew that now, hell, he'd known for some time, but he'd been nervous to admit to it. He never thought he'd be saying those words again, at least not to anyone besides Missy or his mother.

And it had terrified him. It had scared him to death - the idea of loving another again. At first he didn't know how to respond, how to react or what to do. It was overwhelming and all consuming, and yet...it made him happy. So happy. And it was apparent to everyone around him - how filled with life he was again, how the light never faded from his eyes, how his smile was bigger than ever. That's when he knew exactly what it was.

Of course, Marcus being Marcus, was so concerned with when and how to tell that he blurted it out during the middle of sex. It was right when you were both on the precipice of your climaxes, and he couldn't help himself as he nuzzled his face into your shoulder.

It had been slightly unexpected, sure, but you just kissed him and repeated the words back to him sweetly - reverently. You knew too that this wasn't like anything you'd experienced before...this was everything.

"I love you too, Marcus," you whispered as you trailed a few fingers along jaw, touching the patchy stubble that you loved so much, "I-"

"The kitchen is a communal place," Missy groaned at the two of you as he came down the stairs, her backpack and sleepover gear in tow, "I'd appreciate if we kept it that way."

"Very funny," Marcus pulled back from you with a wink as you went over and helped Missy with her stuff, "I'm the adult I make the rules!"

"Whatever Dad," she sassed him as you just laughed, "see you tomorrow. Love you!"

"Love you too kiddo," Marcus offered her a wave as you carried her bag to the door for her.

"Have fun with your friends," you leaned down and gave her a tight hug. She responded in kind before taking her things in hand, "don't get into too much trouble, yeah? And if you need anything, we'll be right here."

"We won't," she insisted with a sly little grin that you couldn't quite believe, "have fun too! See you tomorrow. I love you!"

And just as quick as a flash she was bolting out the door and down the street to her friend's house. It took you a moment to recover as you realized what she had said. You walked back to the kitchen with a grin on your face and your heart feeling like it was going to overflow at any moment.

"What?" Marcus asked as you walked in a daze.

"Missy," your voice was soft as you leaned against the counter, "she said she loved me...its the first time she's said it."

"And why wouldn't she?" he too felt an overwhelming rush of emotion as he realized just how much this meant to him, "you're pretty amazing after all."

"I love her too, so much...I just...I want her to know I love you and her and I want to be a part of your lives  but I would ever try to replace her mom," you explained as he nodded in understanding. Marcus moved to stand in front of you, his hands finding either side of your face as he pressed a kiss to your forehead, "how did I get so lucky to find the two of you? I love you both more than you will ever know."

"And so we do," he promised as he leaned in and properly kissed you, "I love you."

Without thinking, you hopped onto the counter and wrapped your legs around his waist before wrapping your arms around his neck. His large, warm hands slowly worked their way from your waist to up and under your shirt, as he skimmed your soft skin.

Your soft kisses quickly turned into hungry, needy ones as you pulled off his glasses and tossed them aside. Marcus went from your lips to your jaw before working his way down your neck, biting and sucking at the delicate skin.

"Marcus," you almost moaned his name as you pressed yourself against the hardness you could already feel in his jeans, "this is a communal space. Keep it clean."

"Don't want to," he huffed with laughter as his hand moved to the button of your jeans and he quickly undid the fly. He lifted you up briefly as he pulled down your jeans and underwear as you reached for his jeans to repeat the process. 

Your mouths almost never parted, except for the soft giggles that flowed as you felt more like naughty schoolchildren that could be caught at any second, rather than grown adults.

"Marcus - the food," you suddenly remembered. He shook his head as you paused for a moment.

"Its all off," he promised while cupping your breasts in his hands, earning a delighted moan from you, "it can all wait. Dessert first."

"Then take me," you tugged down just jeans and boxers, pushing them down as he wasted no time in lining himself up at your entrance and slowly pushing in. When he bottomed out, you both groaned in between kisses as he gave you a moment to adjust. 

Then there was no rush, and he started to move languidly, setting a gentle pace as he kept on kissing you. It was sweet, sex with Marcus was always something you thoroughly enjoyed, especially times like this. It was so intimate, so loving, it was everything and all consuming at once.

"'m not gonna last," he whispered as he left a trail of fiery kisses along your jaw. You nodded in agreement as you held him close, trying to memorize every touch, every feel.

"'s okay, honey," you promised as you guided him back to your lips, "come with me, please. I love you Marcus, I love you so much."

That was all it took to get him to reach his peak as your walls hugged him and you both came with small moans. Marcus held you tightly as you tried to catch your breath and he stayed buried inside you, peppering you in the most saccharine of kisses, "I love you too. More than you will ever know."

»»————-　♡　————-««

Permanent Taglist: @secretsweetscollectionblog  @sheridans-dynamos  @queenbbarnes  @persephonesnebula   @ah-callie  @blushingwueen  @thisis-theway @rosetophighlander  @rae-gar-targaryen    @hiscyarika  @readsalot73  @huliabitch  @ollyoxenfrees @coffeeandtodd  @beepbeepsephy   @scarlettwitcher  @nerdyknightwritersblog  @choicesarcade  @arrowswithwifi  @everythingaboutnothingstuff  @suckerfor-fanfics  @bestintheparsec @winters-buck @javihoney  @aeryntheofficial  @hail-doodles @engineeredfiction @aeryntheofficial  @asgardianvamp21  @keithseabrook27  @karmezii  @dearspacepirates  @thatsuitlooksgoodonyou  @paintballkid711 @mrpascals @kochamcie @lv7867 @artsymaddie @gooddaykate @rosiefridayrogersunday @heyitmelexie @criminalmind1927 @justanotherblonde23 @coni-martina​ @thewayofthemandalorian​

[9tzuyu]

dissolve (rewrite)

natasha x reader

note: this was just a huge vent fic idk. these type of fics seem to be the only thing im okay at writing. mistakes are mine as always. but i did proofread, yay!

if you want to read the original (as awful as it is) you can read it here!

wanrings: this heavily revolves around eating disorders.

i’m not tagging anyone because the content isn’t really the lightest to read.

words are used everyday, everywhere – whether to describe something or someone. there’s thousands upon thousands of them.

so you were having a hard time figuring out why you were struggling so much to justify your feelings through the basis of words. it was unnerving, draining and very annoying. your emotions should be simple, right? you were either sad or happy, angry or scared. but there was something more, something unexplainable. saying you felt alone only scratched the surface of the wave of emotion that took over. it was excruciatingly painful, far worse than any physical pain you ever had to endure. and for some reason it seemed to come crashing down at night while natasha slept peacefully. you weren't exactly sure how to express your emotions to the extent you felt them. how else was anyone supposed to understand your pain? they couldn't, not unless they could somehow shift into your body and feel your emotions themselves. but that was merely impossible as such powers do not exist. so you were inevitably stuck with words foreign to your lips. over the years you were deemed unsafe, a hazard, "an accident waiting to happen" you recall one doctor say. everyone’s eyes were on you at all times, monitoring every little movement you made. it was suffocating and at times doing more damage than good.

as an adult now you learned how freeing it could be without the fear of gaining weight or eating a bowl full of rainbow marshmallow cereal. your worth was not defined by your weight.

(at least that's what you believed prior to any relapses.) everything was going well in your life. you were a college graduate working as a psychiatric nurse and you had found love, something your teenage self could only dream of. natasha was by your side through everything. and really, the only downfall in the relationship was that she had to travel a lot for her job. but you were secure enough in your relationship not to worry or decide to call things off. in the end natasha always made up for it when she came back, so you couldn't complain too much. things were going well for you, really, they were. until they weren't. (and you didn't know why.) it happened out of nowhere. work was a little more stressful than usual, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. natasha had been away for three months, only stopping by a few times to check in on you. but again, your wife being away for so long wasn't anything new or worrisome. the two of you had followed the routine of her leaving and coming back more than a thousand times; yet somewhere along the way you lost yourself. food became less of a priority, your hunger decreased drastically, and within the first month you'd lost thirteen pounds. it truly was an accident, slipping into a full blown relapse was never part of the plan. but thirteen pounds lighter you wanted more, to feel small again. you didn't have an answer as to why you became so attached to your eating disorder, but it didn't seem like it would be letting go any time soon. the rate at which you were going natasha would most definitely be able to see a difference; not only on your weight, but in the person you once were. she'd ask what happened and why it happened, poking and prodding for an answer, but you didn't have one. so here you stood in the kitchen of your shared home, a cup of sliced fruit in one hand and your cell phone in the other. you poured the fruit into the bottom of a blender along with a spoonful of yogurt and half a cup of soy milk. another half cup of ice followed suit. while the fruit blended, you shamelessly scrolled through your instagram. there was nothing interesting going on in other people's lives, you didn't even know why you had social media in the first place. it was dumb, and quite frankly you didn't give a shit whether or not sharon went to the beach. the sound of your blender coming to a halt brought your attention back to the real world. you poured your smoothie into your water bottle. the green liquid would be your breakfast and lunch for the day - dinner was still up for debate. a soft sigh left your lips. work was beginning to feel more like a chore and less of something you enjoyed. you were quickly growing tired of it. nonetheless, you grabbed your keys and rushed out of the door.

you thought about the irony of working as a psychiatric nurse with an undealt eating disorder telling teenagers how to deal with their own issues. you felt hypocritical to say the least, especially given that all the nasty side effects were starting to make themselves known.

your hair was beginning to thin, small clumps of it already starting to fall out when you tugged a little too hard. bruises could be seen scattered left and right on your body, and you were cold. god you were cold. your fingernails were tinted blue, warmth seemingly too far out of reach. you looked ill, and it didn't go unnoticed by your coworkers.

a few hours into your shift you found yourself sitting behind the nurses station filling out paperwork. lunch had passed and when your coworker, steve, asked if you were going to eat something you lied straight through your teeth, telling him you'd grab something when the patients were eating dinner.

but steve rogers could read you like an open book. he knew you were lying because he already knew what was going on. the signs of an eating disorder were quite obvious when you were a licensed therapist. and despite your futile attempts at hiding it, everyone could tell something wasn't right.

steve played it by ear for weeks until he contacted natasha, but by then you'd already lost a considerable amount of weight. as soon as she heard the news, natasha booked the next flight home. unfortunately for her though, there was only one flight and she would have to wait two and a half weeks before being able to leave.

you didn't know it, but those were the longest two and a half weeks natasha ever had to wait.

– patients were having group therapy, so you could tune them out - not that you should, but it was hard to focus when the only two things you could think about were food and your weight.

the need to lose weight sounded so stereotypical for someone with an eating disorder, but honestly it wasn't about that. it was never about wanting to be thin. you genuinely didn't know why this was happening. the only thing you noticed was how rewarding it felt seeing the number go down, as if for you were good for becoming less. it was addictive. and it didn't help that you based your entire worth on how much you could lose.

the next time you stood up from behind the nurses station steve met you in the the cafeteria. while the patients ate you took occasional sips from your smoothie. the bottle was still full of its contents from the morning. you had completely forgotten to drink it during the day, but you didn't seem to mind it that much.

the surprise touch of steve's hand on your shoulder startled you.

i am gross, you thought. do not do that.

steve caught onto the slight flinch your body produced as a reflex, but he didn't say anything about it.

"you can leave early, boss said so."

he laughed as he saw confusion plaster your face.

"what? no!"

"go home, seriously. we have this handled. you know tony doesn't like being told no."

you bit your lip, puzzled by the sudden request. most people wouldn't mind being sent home early, but all it did for you was give you a level of anxiety reserved for food.

what you didn't know was that natasha was home waiting for your arrival. she came back just short of an hour after you left for work.

while you were gone natasha made a few thorough rounds in the house looking for key signs of your eating disorder. there was bound to be evidence given that you didn't know she was home.

unsurprisingly, natasha found a glass scale beside the counter of the bathroom floor along with empty bottles of laxatives in the trashcan. the food in the fridge had been expired a few days past their date, giving her the indication that you weren't eating as much as you should be. her concern grew even more when she found your food journal on your nightstand. flipping the pages, natasha could see that throughout the moths she'd been gone your calorie intake had decreased significantly.

guilt began to gnaw at the back of her throat.

during the few days natasha stopped by, she hadn't noticed anything wrong with you. but then again she knew most people with eating disorders were very good at hiding them up until the point they were discovered. three days wasn't near enough time for her to catch onto your tricks, not when her mind was still focused on her job.

natasha always listened intently whenever you would talk about your eating disorder, the first time being six months into the relationship on a date you felt like you had ruined.

but talking about it was much different than experiencing it with you, natasha had never done that before up until now. she read nearly every article there was about anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and ednos. sometimes when you were asleep she would watch documentaries on the disorder, always making sure to keep her volume at a low level.

the videos that hurt her the most were the ones teenagers struggling with the simple task of eating food.

(although natasha knew it wasn't that simple.)

it hurt because she knew that was you at some point in time.

upon your arrival, natasha cooked dinner. she wanted to hold onto the one sliver of hope that steve was wrong - that he was just overreacting - but she knew in her heart he was right about his assumption. however, dinner would only confirm what natasha so desperately wanted to deny.

when you walked through the door you were greeted with the overwhelming scent of food. you cringed at the thought of having to eat, but as soon as you looked up to see the redhead who'd been gone for so long your frown was washed away. a wide smile overtook your face and you rushed to jump into natasha's arms.

"i missed you so much," you whispered. "i thought you'd be gone for another few weeks?"

natasha's arms found their way around your waist as your legs wrapped around hers. "what? i can't come home early to surprise my wife?" you giggled in the crook of her neck. she smiled feeling the vibrations against her skin, happy to know that you'd missed her just as much as she missed you.

she sat you down, back facing you, she tended to the food. "you've lost weight," she commented, not missing the sharp inhale of your breath.

"how was work, nat?"

she nodded to herself. yeah, she didn't expect you to be so open on the first try.

"it was fine. dinner's ready, i made your favorite!" natasha threw a smile in your direction as she carried the plates over to the table. she had hoped to see your face light up the way it used to, but seeing the panicked look in your eyes further confirmed your relapse.

if nothing else, natasha wanted you to have a meal before she brought up the conversation.

"great... i love it, thank you nat!" your attempt at being enthusiastic failed miserably and you knew by the look she gave you, she already knew what was going on.

but throughout the meal, and despite the shakiness of your hand as it gripped the metal fork, natasha didn't say anything.

you weren't really sure which was worse; being confronted or knowing the both of you knew what the other was thinking and still not addressing it.

natasha's meal was good, you couldn't lie about that, but each bite you chewed caused the tightening in your chest to constrict further.

now you couldn't be good. or worthy. or deserving.

nat took away your plate when you were halfway through. she knew your limits, and she didn't want to push you too much out of your comfort zone.

"go change, i'll wash our dishes. meet you on the couch?"

you did as you were told, taking as long as you could to do so. except this time was different. you didn't glance in the mirror like you usually did, you chose to fully take in your figure.

what you saw was not what you expected to see. for the first time in months you saw a version of yourself that wasn't twisted and turned to be something you didn't know was real or not.

your skin was dry, hair thinned out beyond your belief, eyes sunken and dark underneath. the revelation gave you an odd feeling – was once again something unexplainable, unjustifiable by words.

good.

that was how you were supposed to feel, right? after all of this time, after the many pounds of protection and warmth lost, you were supposed to feel good.

but you didn't. and you never would.

there was something so surreal about the realization of your own destruction. you were aware now, which meant you had to either take responsibility or choose to lose everything you worked so hard for.

"y/n?"

your wife's voice snapped you out of your gaze and you scrambled to pile your dirty clothes and rush out of the bedroom.

as you made your way into the living room you could feel the intensity of natasha's gaze. any other time you would not mind her green eyes looking at you, but this time around you felt like you were in trouble.

she patted the empty spot next to her, to which you reluctantly joined. but even after everything you still tried to play it cool.

"what's up? is everything okay?"

she gave a low chuckle, "you tell me."

"what do you mean?"

"oh i think you know what i mean."

natasha’s reply was met with the loudest silence you ever had to sit through.

she bit her lip, "you know i got a call from steve a few weeks ago. he's concerned about you, and from what he's told me so am i."

you were quick to respond, automatically knowing what steve’s phone call was about. "i'm fine. so what if i've lost a couple of pounds? that doesn't automatically mean that im relapsing, natasha."

your quick snap reminded natasha that this kind of confrontation was like walking on eggshells.

she tilted her head, licking her lips. "i'm here with you, always." nat put a hand to the side of your face, gently rubbing her thumb at the top of your cheekbone. "i'm here."

it seemed pointless now to try and say anything because your secret was already out.

your mind began racing back and forth.

you wanted to keep what you knew best and natasha understood that. even by reading your body language she knew what you were debating.

"you know, to keep it you have to give it away." your eyes darted to meet hers. "mhm. you can still have that piece of you. mourn it, grieve it, do whatever you need to do to move onto a stage where it doesn't hurt you. and from there you can help other people, share your experience, let yourself heal by helping others."

she paused, “we all have choices. some of those choices are taken from you while others leave you with only one option.”

although what she said seemed to resonate with you, there was one thing still holding you back.

"i just want to be good."

natasha hummed. you had explained it to her in the past, though your words were jumbled together as you tried to describe it.

"you can be good in other ways. you're allowed to live a life outside of the barriers your eating disorder puts in the way."

you swallowed the lump in the back of your throat. "i don't even know how it got to this point. in january i enjoyed ihop and dennys. in february i could have oatmeal and bananas, sometimes half of a sandwhich if i was feeling brave. now it’s march and i only eat one or two things a day. the idea of having a full meal makes me want to cry. and i just- i don't know how to stop."

natasha wouldn't show it, but your words cut through her heart like a knife. her mind wandered briefly to all the teenagers in the documentaries she'd watched, hoping you weren't too far gone into your eating disorder to ever come back. those cases scared her the most.

"you've got my complete support. you've tackled this before, maybe this time you can beat it? i know its easier to abuse your body instead of growing comfortable in it, but i think you’ve got this. i know you do."

"what about your work?" your question caused natasha to frown. "you think i wouldn't set my job aside for you?" you shrugged, it's not like you felt like you were worth being taken care of anyway.

natasha grew hesitant to tell you her news, but did it anyway because she’d rather you hate her than see you dead. "i've already made some appointments for you. the first one is tomorrow morning."

"i figured you would natasha. it's okay."

you spaced yourself out the rest of the day. each time you made the executive decision to recover, whether that be a genuine recovery or not, the process never failed to remind you that even trying to recover from an eating disorder felt like mourning the loss of a friend who was never good for you in the first place.

[whentherewerebicycles]

wow okay i am skipping the lingerie party lol and am instead going to just briefly jot down some thoughts before i go to sleep and wake up at 5 for my flight tomorrow morning. jesus christ i have ONE MILLION thoughts and feelings about this weekend. i want to preface this by saying that on the whole, it was a fine social experience! it was nowhere near as awkward or painful as i was expecting. or like, parts of it were painful, but it was 100% to do with my own complicated feelings about literally every part of this tradition and the wedding industry in general lol, and not anything to do with the people themselves. the other women were friendly and very welcoming, i made an event best friend who was wonderful company, and it was really fun to get to spend time with both my sister-in-law and her older sister, who was so charming and wonderful. i’m glad i came even though thinking about the $$ i spent on this trip makes me physically gag.

but okay i want to just record some THOUGHTS that maybe i will continue unpacking with some distance. i feel likeeeee okay here are my thoughts.

the social norms around femininity are just a fucking minefield and i feel like i really just gotta keep walking back the impulse to judge other women for the choices they make as they navigate around the manifold traps and snares and half-buried landmines that constitute the landscape of being a woman. like jesus christ. it’s so fucked up, it’s so fucked up, the received and socially enforced norms of femininity are just so fucked up. I think ALL THE FUCKING TIME of this margaret atwood poem i love so much, which was REALLY on my mind this weekend:

How can I teach her some way of being human that won’t destroy her?

I would like to tell her, Love is enough, I would like to say, Find shelter in another skin.

I would like to say, Dance and be happy. Instead I will say in my crone’s voice, Be ruthless when you have to, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it.

I feel like the first bit was very much on my mind throughout the weekend, but those last three lines have come to the forefront over the course of this last day, as i have tried to do some Thinking about what i observed/experienced/felt this weekend. whether or not this is what it means in the context of the poem, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it, expresses something of my complex feelings: I don’t know that I can tell the truth about femininity because I don’t know that I can see it. i am both too close to it/still emotionally entangled in it and too far from it to know which parts of it are ‘real’ and which parts are just performance.

i feel like one thing that struck me this weekend, in ways that i don’t know if i’ve noticed as much before, was that so much of the things women say to each other or do in these social contexts is performative, and they know on some level it’s a performance, but we are all going through the motions of doing and saying the expected things anyway. that has not always been clear to me. i have spent so much of my own life as a woman thinking that other women perfectly, seamlessly, naturally embodied the norms of femininity, and i was the only one (or part of a group of only ones) who couldn’t remember my lines, or kept fumbling my cues, or felt so painfully, self-consciously aware that i was playing a role that i could never deliver a convincing performance. but this weekend, after the initial social panic had passed, i started trying to get out of my own head a little bit and look for things that disproved the very strong theory i had brought into the weekend. and of course then i started seeing more and more of the little moments where women say one thing and do another, or profess one belief/conviction but then the whole corpus of their lived experiences and choices contradicts that stated belief, or whatever. and also just like, moments of pathos, where someone i had judged harshly at the beginning of the weekend offhandedly revealed something about her past that really changed my perception of her, or at least made me think like, ah god, i have to have empathy for and with this person, because i think she might be a complex person just like me, with an intricate inner life that her performance partially reveals and partially occludes from view, and agh, it sucks to have to think of people as complicated instead of as safely two-dimensional & easy to dismiss, and the reason it sucks is because then it forces you to realize that you share more with this person than you’d like to admit, and that some of your wounds are the same, even if you dealt with those wounds (the wounds of girlhood, or rather the emotional wounds that our culture inflicts upon girls, which then become tangled up in complex and painful ways with the lived experience of girlhood itself) in really different ways.

but also ugh. we are all performing gender norms but there is just something that does not feel playful at all about embodying conventional femininity. i can’t think of a better way to phrase that right now but it’s like.. the performance isn’t fun. it doesn’t seem to be fun. i don’t know that anyone here was having fun doing it, even if they were having fun being with each other. but it was like doing the intensely gendered social rituals was like, the price of admission? like it was the toll we had to pay to be together spending time in the company of other women? i don’t know man but it fucking exhausts me. like i can push myself to stretch my genuine empathy and sense of solidarity with other women much further than my knee-jerk judgmental reaction, but i can’t ever get to a place where i find any of those social rituals anything other than fucking exhausting. they feel so fucking joyless. they feel like things that many women have internalized as ‘things we must do in order to have relationships with other women.’ (please do not even get me started on how exhausting heteronormativity is i think i could write an entire other essay on how women use these bachelorette party-type rituals to spend time with their closest female friends, but the whole event is still implicitly organized around men, and these women’s male partners are still positioned as the priority in their lives, and the whole event is framed as like, a last burst of intense closeness between women before the bride is delivered over to her husband. like i KNOW that this is not how women think of it but all the RHETORIC of the bachelorette party, the little events and rituals and games, the little comments everyone makes all fucking weekend, good fucking lord, my jaw is so TENSE.)

anyway god i just AGHHHH. idk sorry this is definitely not coherent at ALL because i’m tired and still need a bit more distance/time to process some of this. i guess here is one last thing i want to register before i sleep. i am in my 30s now and i am living a life that is so, so far removed from the social world i grew up in. marriage is not a norm among my friend group, almost all of my female friends are queer women, many women i know are not partnered and have no interest in being partnered, and the friends who are in heterosexual relationships tend to be in very gender-balanced relationships or slightly nontraditional relationships where it feels like both partners have engaged in conscious reflection about what they want their relationship to look/feel like. also i now date women, am out as a lesbian, and spend most of my time teaching/working with queer- and trans/nonbinary-identified kids.

so like, the world i live in now is just so different from the world i grew up in. and sometimes it is easy for me to kind of downplay the intensity of my own gender distress as a teen and young adult, or to sort of - act like it was a phase in my life that had much more to do with me than with the social environment i lived in. i don’t mean ‘phase’ in a dismissive ‘those feelings weren’t real’ kind way, but more like, ‘oh that was just part of the normal growing pains of figuring out who you are and what kind of person you want to be as an adult - everybody pretty much goes through some version of that.’ it’s true that everyone DOES go through some version of that, as just like, part of the process of individuation in that age range. but also like. idk man. being back in this environment - straight white women from the midwest and south, all engaging in the rituals of heterosexual white femininity - was just so intense and so MUCH, and it brought back a flood of feelings and visceral memories that i feel like i will need to spend some time sorting through over the next few weeks. like, what i experienced back then really WAS gender distress, and it was so, so distressing. i spent the years from age 11ish to 24ish existing with this constant lowgrade baseline feeling of wanting to claw my own fucking skin off because my own gendered body felt like such a prison, and i sometimes felt like i literally wanted to destroy my own body because i could not yet conceive of an alternative to inhabiting that body or playing the role that had been handed down to me. until i started reading queer memoirs and inhaling lesbian media and (especially) reading about queer femme identities, i literally did not have an image or any kind of felt sense of what another way of inhabiting my own body might look/feel like. i literally could not imagine it!!!

and that is why the distress feels so distressing, and becomes internalized in such violent ways, i think. because it’s the blind, mindless panic of a trapped and wounded animal. except that you lack any real understanding of the larger social forces at work, or any language with which to describe or conceptualize what social norms are or how they’re enforced. so in your mind, the only thing you can see wounding you is your own gendered body, or the way that gendered body is socially 'read’ by others. and that is why you want to claw your own fucking skin off, just literally dig your nails into your own flesh and claw it the fuck off. because you can’t see a norm, but you can see your gendered body, and you can see the ways that it causes other people to react to you, or treat you, or hold you to a certain set of expectations, and so in your mind you are like: this must be destroyed. in your mind you are like, the only way out is to get out of this fucking body, but that’s impossible, surely, you can’t get out of your own body, so you have to settle for starving it and self-harming it and ruthlessly punishing it in a thousand terrible ways, because you might not be able to leave your girl’s body behind, but you can make it suffer and pay for what it’s done to you. 

i am old enough now, and have spent enough time thinking and writing about those feelings, to identify them when they arise again, and to get the necessary distance from them so that i can say, what i want to destroy are the norms themselves, and the distress they cause, and not the body that has done nothing to me but be me. so i am not quite as sucked under as i used to be. but i think that there is something about the violence and intensity of those feelings that i forget sometimes, or misremember with age and distance. it’s easy to be a little bit patronizing to my younger self (or by extension to my younger students sometimes), because i now live in a social world that is largely arranged in ways that minimize rather than intensify or amplify gender distress. but when you have no choice in how to arrange your life, and no language with which to understand what is happening to you or what you are experiencing, and no frame of reference to help you understand that this is a period in your life and not forever, and no models you can look to in order to discover alternative ways of inhabiting your body or arranging your life... my god, that’s quite different from being an adult with a wide range of experiences and with much greater autonomy over your own body and life. anyway idk i need to keep thinking but now i must go to bed and try to sleep five hours before the plane.

[thedreadvampy]

Please stop describing aroace as not wanting or seeking out a romantic/sexual relationship. The terms describe attraction, not behavior, and this is something that has been discussed and explained to exhaustion by aroace communities. I have personally also pursued relationships because I thought I wanted that kind of relationship, and too many people try to say that means I’m not really aroace. I have aroace friends who are in sexual and/or romantic relationships.

I’m not angry at you, I know you don’t intend to cause harm, and I generally agree with your thoughts on how Martin is characterized, but I am so, so tired of people who aren’t aroace telling us who we are, how we feel, and how we behave. There are so many easily-accessible resources and explanations about asexuality and aromanticism with respect to relationships, and I urge you do some research if you feel the need to define us.

I don’t mind if you don’t reply to this. It’s the sort of conversation I would rather have privately, but I’ve seen and experienced too much harassment targeting asexual identities to feel safe going off anon.

No I'm not going to stop doing that because my feeling on this is based specifically on conversations raised by and led by my aroace friends and loved ones. as in this is a frustration that a lot of people in my life who are aroace have repeatedly expressed - that there's no space to express clearly and unambiguously that you're Not Wanting Sex And Relationships because the linguistic space is slipping for that. and they've talked a lot specifically about how that's led to them feeling more pressured to push themselves into sex or relationships, or having to constantly explain and defend their space even within aspec communities. and that's a problem. not that people who want or might want sex and romance but consider themselves broadly asexual or aromatic exist, but that with the semantic drift around aroace, there's not really a term which unambiguously expresses that that's not something they do want.

Action is not the same as desire - having had or wanted a relationship doesn't mean anything for whether you're "actually" aro or ace, any more than having dated men in the past means you're not "actually" a lesbian. comphet is a hell of a situation. I'm not splitting hairs about attraction vs behaviour - I'm talking about desire versus lack of desire.

Yes, fine, good, you can act for a lot of reasons, only some of which are genuinely held desire (trust me I know this). I'm not debating that. I'm saying that the space that's shrunk away in contemporary aspec language is a term which unambiguously means "a person who does not have a desire to have sex or relationships."

In this example, Martin spends much of the story expressing desire for a monogamous romantic relationship and nothing in his story arc, his actions, his dialogue or his fears seem to imply that that's motivated by anything other than a genuinely held desire to have a relationship with a man he is into. He's not aroace in the same way he's not a trans lesbian like. yes he could be being led by common drivers - compulsory sexuality, the desire for emotional closeness, the confusion of working out which feeling's what, only knowing how to navigate relationships through a certain lens, etc - and yes he absolutely could be either of those things, but ultimately there's nothing in the text to support that conclusion as is. He is not written as aroace, and in terms of material questions like 'what assumptions do people make about you and what's a justified assumption to make' the two things that matter when it comes to "X is/is not [identity]" are:

what do they outwardly identify as

how do they behave and what desires do they experience and express

like you are absolutely right that it's shitty for people to try and tell you you're not aroace if you are. people know their own identities best. I'm talking about group terminology that's sufficiently materialist to make sense.

like when someone says they're aroace what are appropriate assumptions to make? that this is someone who doesn't want sex or romantic relationships in and of itself, surely? that sex and romance are either low priority or actively not wanted? that they're not likely to be open to attempts to initiate sex or romance, and that their rejection of that isn't personal? that they may prefer long-term to not have a partner and that not having a partner isn't a source of great pain and loneliness and doesn't indicate an unmet need?

like that's what the term means. a term boundaries a set of basic assumptions. that doesn't mean nobody in that group can then turn around and say 'actually I am sad I don't have a partner' or 'actually I think I do want to try a relationship with you' or 'actually it's very validating when people flirt with me'.

similarly like an assumption it's reasonable to make about bisexual people, and an assumption that's embedded in the term, is 'is interested in sex or romance with people of multiple genders.' that doesn't mean I can't be bisexual and also have a complex relationship to what if any sexual or romantic desires I have and why. but it means that if I'm talking about bisexual people, I'm expecting you to join me in the assumption that yes we're talking about People Who Experience Multiple Gender Attraction. sexuality is messy and complicated let's not get it twisted. saying 'this is what the word means' doesn't remove the existence of complex experiences of self and of desire. but what the implied meaning of a word is matters and people were and are acting as if the implied meaning of 'aroace' has nothing to do with inherent desire for sex and romance which seems to me to leave a pretty substantial communication gap.

as I said in the tags - is there a more unambiguous word for 'people who are explicitly uninterested in romance and sex' than aroace? what is it? what is the word that's meant to go there? because THAT IS AN IMPORTANT THING TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS UNAMBIGUOUSLY. and it doesn't mean I'm looking for a word that means 'has never for any reason pursued or experienced romance or sex' which I feel is how you're characterising what I'm saying (and I get that this is a triggering topic with a lot of baggage for a lot of people so I absolutely get why you're reacting as if that's what I'm saying). nor does it mean I'm looking for a word that means '100% gold star virgin who's never dated or had a sexy thought.' it means I'm looking for a word that means 'is uninterested in sex and romance' to describe a reason why somebody might choose to not have relationships, or to not have sex, or might have no sexual or romantic history through choice. key word might. but the fact is every time somebody uses aroace as a descriptor of 'reasons why people may choose not to have relationships' people end up 'correcting' them to say 'some aroace people have relationships' which is. kind of irrelevant to the point. some lesbians are married to men (comphet, changing sense of self, marriages of convenience, lavender marriages etc) but when I say 'she doesn't want to date him because she's a lesbian' we understand what the common understanding of lesbian is.

ultimately idk how to end this post. my point in the original post wasn't 'nobody who's aroace has experience of sex or relationships' but 'aroaceness is a reasonable reason why someone might not have had sex or relationships' and my point in the tags you're objecting to isn't 'aroace as a term should only include people who would never consent to sex or relationships,' it's 'a lack of inherent wish for sex and relationships used to be what we understood aroaceness to imply; now that no longer seems to be the implication and that leaves a gap where a lot of people, aroace and otherwise, struggle to express that experience'

[missmonsters2]

hello van! I hope you're doing great today!

ok so it's one of these days where I feel super insecure. like... idk. I was on holidays with two of my friends and I kept looking at how beautiful they were and then there was me who looks ugly af. they look like 10/10 and I look 2/10 at best. I just... I've never had a relationship, I never had a bf and I know that I'm not attractive enough to have one. when I was with my friends, the guys would hit on them (it was subtle but I got it anyway) and of course never me. for obvious reasons. I just feel like I'm always going to be alone because nobody would want my ugly ass. like... I can't think of anyone who would actually choose me over them for instance. I mean in the unlikely event that I find a bf when I introduce him to my friends he'll probably realize that he chose the ugly friend. everyone would choose anyone over me.

I feel stupid right now just telling you all this but you're one of those people that I find solace through your posts and stories and I really like you. I can't say anything like that to anyone because I feel so embarrassed. and I don't want their pity either. I hate myself enough as it is.

I just keep thinking how ill end up all alone because I'm just... terrible. don't take it wrong. I like my friends. no, I LOVE my friends and I really want the best for them and it's not their fault they're pretty and I'm not. I'm just... sad when realization hits me when I'm around them. they had bfs and flings and people hitting on them. and I have nothing. I'm just... me. and it's not great.

I've cried tons in the past about it. hell, I've cried last week about it. but tonight I feel like my tears have dried up from so much crying. whatever I do I can't change how I terrible I look and that people will never be attracted to me.

oh God... it sounds stupid, doesn't it? van, feel free to ignore my message. I'm just rambling.

whatever the case, I hope you're doing much better than I am right now. 💕

Hey! I'm doing good today, thanks for asking 💘

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. It's definitely not stupid at all as I'm sure many people experience this, including myself!

I'm so proud of you for going through the emotions as I know it can be so overwhelming. I would try to speak to a professional about these feelings are you having as it seems like you're experiencing it often. I definitely talk to a professional about these issues amongst other things and I find it really helps.

I know you don't want your friends' pity (as no one does) but I hope you can one day open up to them and if they're truly your friends, they will not pity you and do what they can to help you through this time.

It makes me so happy that my posts and stories are a safe place for you and I hope it continues to be that way!

I hope you remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we are all beautiful to someone. You may think there's no one but we never know what others are thinking of us and if they're just too shy to say.

Your friends are who they are with their own insecurities, I'm sure. You are you, and I am only me. The point is that I think there's something lovely to the fact that there's no one like us and there's no need for us to be like others. It's wonderful to admire others but I express caution about comparing too much. You are lovely as you are to me :)

I hope you have a wonderful rest of your morning/day/night and drink lots of water and be kind to yourself and feel better 💘💘