#idk where the thought came from but i had it and thst would be so cute

[arundolyn]

they should make one of those. the goodsmile bridget plushies. idk what the style is called. they should make one of those that's mu

[nonas-dad-saying-love-hurts]

Just woke from a dream. I was a woman, I think. I was getting married for the first time. I don't know who I was marrying but I was shopping. My mother was there.

Actually before that I wasn't shopping and I wasn't a woman. I was me, and I was organizing supplies in a giant warehouse that used to be a school. It was renovated. I was the only teacher who wasn't a woman. In the year before me there had been one also. For Halloween we used chalk paint and paper to "dress up" the school as its ugly, unrenovated former self. The old staff and atudents visited.

In the warehouse, at first it was the emergency medical depot that I normally organize, just two rooms. But the shelves kept growing, the work was endless, until it became a literal ocean, with water and waves. The water was warm. Prepackaged feverfew and chamomile were washed away. That's when I turned into a woman.

When I was in the ocean I noticed my body and how it let me feel the sand and move in the water. I was delighted by the water. I lay down in the waves. I knew how to jump and float when the waves went over my head. I didn't go under or get buffeted around like the other people. I wasn't scared like them.

When I left the waves and found myself in a shopping center is when it became that I was getting married. I wanted to buy just a few feminine things. A golden eye pencil. A nice matte lipstick. My face wasn't like the face I had pre transition. I don't know whose face it was. My mother didn't want me to buy cosmetics, she thought it was silly. I stood up for myself. I got the few things I really wanted. I got the golden eye pencil. The colors were so vivid.

[ In my dream I spoke German but not French. Like real life. I saw an ex (not a real existing one) who was friendly and would help me pay. The shopkeepers wanted francs. I guess we were in france. He was smiling and cheerful. I think he was the MCAT tutor I had a crush on when I was 23. He disappeared with my stuff into the crowded and chaotic shop. I went searching for him. The shop was part of a huge mall complex where indoor and outdoor were as indistinct as shops were from each other. The outdoor part was the quad or bowl or whatever they call it at the university in Charlottesville. ]

While I searched for this guy who had my stuff, I stumbled backstage for some kind of "reality show" stage thing idk what it was. One girl came out of her dressing room amd followed me outside. She was trying to help me. She was asking what I wanted, but I was embarassed to tell her what I was looking for.

She told me she's trans and started asking me for reassurance about the future. I was running away from her. She was very beautiful and very naive. She trusted cops; she thought I was looking for cops and started calling them over. This forced me to answer her questions. I wanted to read her my poem about making the failures softer for each other but I was embarrassed.

I told her I'm trans too (I guess I was me again) and I can't lie to her and say it will be ok or we will be safe. I was crying as I was talking. I told her we have to love that which is uncertain. I told her we have to love thst which might die, that which will die, that which is dying, because nothing is not dying. This is our struggle. We were both crying.

I woke up thinking of the last line of my poem. I couldn't remember what I'd written before -- "our struggle is to love the dying / world -- ourselves -- each other"? Or was "ourselves" the last thing in the list? And in my sleepy brain the thought was so clear, that in poetry a list like that goes from least to greatest, from most mundane to most epic. So the dilemma about what to put last isn't a decison about writing; it's a judgement about life. Which is harder? To love each other? Or to love our (dying) selves? And in the end writing a poem is to have the responsibility of putting things like this in the correct order and telling everybody.

[lunatens]

ult group(s) tag

tagged by @allegxdly ty storm!! any excuse to talk about my faves is v nice + also reading yours was so interesting and fun!! ehehe apologies in advance if this is super long (i’ll put it under a cut maybe)

gonna tag @ggulovebot @elcie-chxn @cha-lan @uriboogyu @kthpurplesyou @changnuggie of course only if you guys want to, no pressure !! 💖💖 also i’m so sorry if you’ve already done this 🥴

ult group: svt (but i’m also gonna do skz bc why not)

who was your first bias?

svt: minghao!!

skz: felix!!

who is your bias now?

svt: joshuaaaa (but they’re all bias wreckers tbh)

skz: hyunjin hehe

what was the first mv you watched by them?

svt: clap!! i actually first saw it on i think college kids react to kpop? lol i had just started getting into bts/kpop in general + i listened to svt but hadn’t really looked into them more, then i saw the mv and thought it was super cool (but i still wasn’t really a carat til like early 2019)

skz: i remember listening to i am not when it came out but i don’t think i watched the district 9 mv....i wanna say the first mv i watched was i am you!

what’s your favourite mv?

svt: i’m in love with the home;run mv omg i love all the aesthetics and the storytelling ugh it’s so good. but i’m also a really big fan of the pinwheel mv, because it’s just so pretty and soft and makes me feel all warm n fuzzy inside yk? oh wait but also oh my!!!!!!!! and fallin flower skjdbflsdfbsk okay i cannot choose sorry

skz: can i choose maknae on top lmao it’s so cute eheh ok but for real hm i love the side effects mv bc i just really remember when it came out and i watched it a lot! or maybe backdoor bc it’s just fun :>

if you could only listen to one of their songs for the rest of your life, which would it be?

svt: ummm rocket !!!!! because it’s my favourite svt song and i don’t think i could ever get sick of it, plus it always puts me in a good mood like u just can’t be sad while listening to rocket it’s just impossible

skz: probably blueprint!! it’s just such a pretty song i don’t wanna live without it 🥺

who would you want to see them collab with?

svt: bruno mars just bc woozi wants it so bad and i would just rlly love thst for him ok

skz: hm this is a tricky one.. idk why but doja cat is in my head right now?? i only really know a couple songs lmao but i feel like that could be fun!!

what (mv) concept do you want to see them do?

svt: hm i think a like ~elegant~ concept would be really fun!! like i’m kinda thinking blood sweat & tears vibes yk?? like all fancy and artsy and over the top idk i just wanna see something pretty lol i guess similar to fallin flower hehe

skz: fANTASYYY AAAH pls i would love if they did some sort of fantasy concept i feel like it would suit them really well (i mean they’ve already done stuff with like swords and stuff i guess that’s close enough) but like just full on fantasy plsss aaah

have you ever had a dream with any of the members in it?

svt: actually quite a few ??? thank u @ my brain for blessing me with these dreams hehe but yeah too many to talk about, a lot of them involve joshua though and usually it’s just super random stuff (twice i’ve dreamt about joshua + a zombie apocalypse what does it mean)

skz: i think i’ve only dreamt about skz once!! but we were spies on some sort of secret mission in a super fancy hi tech futuristic school and we had to sneak in through the vents and stuff it was really fun !!

if you could spend the day with one member, who would it be and what would you do?

svt: mmmm a surprise to absolutely no one at all lmao i would 100% spend the day with shua!! first of all he speaks english lol but that aside i mean i love him and idk i think we’d get along well 😌😌 hm id probably wanna like go to a beach or something with him!!! and mostly just hang out i think?? probably eat some yummy food, maybe play like mario kart or something together idk!!

skz: aaa this is a hard one !!! i think probably felix though! i just think it’d be super fun to hang out with him and we’re kinda similar hehe so it would be fun!! i’d definitely wanna play board games/video games with him, maybe idk go to a park or something idk i’m bad at thinking of this stuff lol

which member do you think you’d get on with the best?

svt: i mean i do think i’d get along with shua really well lol, and maybe chan too hehe but also hoshi!!! idk we’d get up to some chaos together tho 😼😼 plus oddly enough like the majority of the most important people in my life are geminis and i apparently get along really well with them so 👀

skz: i’m gonna say felix again like idk man i could just see me and lix being besties ya feel ???

which member do you think you’d argue with?

svt: this is really hard because i don’t really argue with anyone lol i’m pretty chill...maybe chan lmao but like in a fun way if that makes sense ?? because i don’t think i’d argue with any of them for real

skz: again i really don’t argue much, but out of all of them probably the most likely would be jisung? even though i actually think we’d get along super well (i considered mentioning him in the previous question lol) but i think i only really argue with people in comfortable with and ik it would just be fun hehe. also to my knowledge jisung is pretty messy?? i think?? don’t ask where i’m getting that from i could be wrong lol but i’m really eat and organized so i’d fight him on that if we for some reason lived together

if you had to let one member scroll through your tumblr, who would it be?

svt: AAAA can i choose death instead LOL okay but for real maybe hoshi ?? i feel like we could laugh about things together and he wouldn’t be super weirded out or anything

skz: i think chan...yeah definitely chan i mean he has a tumble account anyways right?? yeah i just don’t think he’d be judgemental or anything lol 😌

anyways that was super fun!! if anyone actually read this wow that’s some dedication hehe it’s just me talking forever about my fave boys lol so ty if u made it though <3

[thisisformetoyellintothevoid]

I went basically through my entire life having anxiety/social anxiety and never really talked about it with anyone, not even my family or friends. And yet, for some weird reason I still just assumed that everyone knew that I had something going on... skipping school bcs I felt too anxious to go sround people, getting physically ill for doing presentations etc. And yet, when I had a mental break down in front of my parents and cried for hours after getting it triggered by a driving lesson and the sheer stress of both driving and other stuff that had been building inside of me, my parents were otterly dumbfounded to find out I was struggling pretty bad mentally.

At first they tried to tell me it was okay that I didnt know how to drive probely yet and I was practising and I tried to tell that there was more to it that I didnt cry for hours bcs of a failed driving lesson and suddenly it was just "??? Really? Why?" And after I sat down to talk with my mom (my dad just steered himself out of the conversation, not out of malice or anything, he genuienly just doesnt know how to deal with stuff like this) it suddenly dawned on me that my parents just... handt noticed or realized that im not simply shy, but I have genuine struggles with social anxiety and anxiety in general.

I remember my mom asking me how long has rhis veen going on and me just being???? My whole life?? Wtff. But I didnt dare to say that so pluntly to my mom cause I got eorried she would blame herself for not noticing. BECAUSE! I realized in that moment that all my anxiety as loud as it is in my head, doesnt actually show outward at all???? Which is why everyone keeps telling me how chill and calm I seem as a person, but I always just assumed that I looked as tense and scsred as I did feel on the inside. But it doesnt.

Nor did i ecer really talk about my anxiety with anyone, well, bcs of anxiety :))))) and also because of the way i was raised and was not taught to deal with my emotions when growing up. I dont think my parents really ever talked me through my emotions or outbursts as a kid but just rather left me be by myself until i calmed down and then just went "alright, your calm now. Lets continue and not talk abt this". Which let me have a lot of problems with expressing myself and understanding and handling my feelings... just basically shutting them down as bad and repressing them rather than talk abt them...

I also realized how disappointed I was to my parents handling their daughter having a mental breakdown. Like, my mom is a nurse in a mental hodpital. She works with people who have anxiety and depression and she helps hhem overcome those and offers therapy etc. and she did the same for me which i am grateful abt, but when it came to just simple comforting and soothing, there was none of that. I cried in front of them and neither of them thought to give me a hug or physical comfort and i am bursting in tears as i am writing this, bcs it just feels really bad thinking that parents just couldnt offer their child that... if i was a child they would have scooped right into their arms, but as an adult i just... dont need thst i guess...

I know that it is the way they were raised too and they both have gheir own childhood trauma and ways they were raised around negative emotions and physical affection, but it still pains me so much...

And i am more disappointed in my mum, bcs she knows about anxiety and depression. She knows how it affects people, where it comes from, she studies it every day and she talks with people who experience with it every day and yet she still is unable to offer me the things she knows that i need.

After a few weeks or months after the incident she did sometimes ask me vaguely how i wss feeling and something but now she doesnt anymore. And it feels bad bcs i dont know if she has forgotten or if she just assumes that im better now bcs i havent cried in front of her. And at the same time i want to talk to her, but i dont know how or where to start. I ooened up to my sister about my difficulties and she actually offered me a hug and she opened abt her own struggles and i felt so happy and loved.

Idk, i just feel like my parents are not ready enough to go outside of their comfortzone to check on their kid and it just... makes me so sad.

[blakelywintersfield]

Help! Part one: Backstory- when I was a kid I saw love triangles & thought well why can't they just all date bc i was a kid & didn't understand polyamoury so my parents told me that polyamoury is no longer acceptable in today's society. So I grew up in a monogamous society & believed that polyamoury was non existent. Then I thought it was wrong, or at least unhealthy. Then I believed that triangle romances were ok but not Vs or open relationships but I still disliked polyam as an idea

I disliked polyamoury as an idea & didnt support that lifestyle but if any1 hated on my polyams I would defend em. Now Im ~accepting/supportive of polyam bc if they communicate (like any relationship) then itll turn out fine (if all parties are poly, that is.) example- i had a friend whos strictly mono but he dated a poly guy who was abusive& treated my friend like a sidechick. When they broke up my friend put his mono ass into another poly romance &bc of his trauma & bpd he was toxic & trying to make his bf mono & felt like he was the sidechick again despite his bf treating both of His bfs equally. & he also had a bad experience with polyamoury so he knew how my friend felt. (Communication is important) Present day- so here comes my issue. I think I might be poly. But I suck at communication & I seem to have internalized issues & polyphobia & I'm not sure whether I "believe" in it or not. Idk what to do & I don't think my parents would approve esp since I don't even approve. What if it's just romanticized or fetishized & I'm not actually poly? I don't want to be poly. I wish society didn't frown upon it bc thst might help. So here I am, a 17yo on Tumblr, asking an older queer for help.

Hi hun! Hopefully, I’m not getting back to you too late on this; sorry it took me a minute to respond!

Firstly, I want you to know that no matter what you turn out to be -- monogamous or polyamorous -- that the way you love isn't unhealthy. Neither type of relationship structure is better than the other; it purely depends on how you feel during it. I know it may be hard to accept something that you were raised to see as immoral or wrong; believe it or not, I was raised extremely homophobic and transphobic, and accepting I was queer and trans was a big shift for me. Hell, I just came to terms with being grey-aromatic -- and that one was hard as hell, because well. I do like romantic relationships. I love that closeness, that bond. Accepting that it was rare as hell for me to feel that towards anyone else was really tough, but it was also liberating. I realized, wow, I wasn't broken because I couldn't romantically connect with others that had mutual interest in me; it's just my romantic orientation. The same may go for you -- if you end up being polyamorous, accepting it can really free you of guilt you may have felt in the past for having a crush on two people and wanting to date them both, because there's nothing wrong with wanting that.

I'm personally monogamous. I know I am because of a few reasons -- I'm worn out very easily by social situations, and even friendships are hard for me to manage just because my social battery is really low. I don't think I have the social stamina to keep up with multiple partners, and I would hate to neglect one or more of my partners, or make them feel unwanted / unloved. I'm a solitary person by nature. And that's okay! I also do have issues feeling insecure, and while I am working on that, I don't think it would personally be healthy for me if I had a partner who was polyamorous, because I'd worry they would get bored of me / leave me for the other. Which is unrealistic -- in a healthy polyamorous relationship, this wouldn't be an issue, but I know my anxiety and relationship insecurity is bad enough that it would put a polyamorous partner through too much stress. Being on the aromantic spectrum too, I just don't know how likely it'd be for me to find a partner, let alone multiple, so that's a personal factor for me, but besides that, my reason for being monogamous are based on how I know myself to be in romantic partnerships.

One of my best friends is polyamorous. One of her biggest reasons is because she feels the need for a support system that goes past friendship -- partners that could live with her, help her raise a family, make sure she stays safe (she has some physical and emotional/mental issues). It makes her feel more secure to know she has multiple people looking out for her, and makes her feel like she's not putting too much stress on one person. The distribution of responsibility makes her feel much more comfortable than having one person take it all on. In a sense, the reason I'm monogamous is the same reason she's polyamorous -- a feeling of security.

Regardless of what kind of relationship you have, it should make you feel secure. Obviously we all have our moments -- as someone with BPD, I have times where I'm insecure just about my friendships, and even my relationship with my parents. Sometimes we all feel insecure, but if it's a constant feeling and it can't be taken care of with reassurance, then you may want to reconsider the relationship -- be it monogamous or polyamorous. Think about your expectations from a relationship; what would you want the outcome to be? If you had multiple partners, what would that look like long-term for you? This should be based purely off what you want / need -- not based off what others may think of you or what negative ideas others might get, because at the end of the day, those who don't support a healthy path to happiness don't have opinions you should judge off of.

There's also different types of polyamorous relationships, and from what I know, most polyamorous people tend to have a relationship set they prefer -- for example, you mentioned open relationships. That's a type of polyamory where, usually, a couple may have another partner / multiple partners, and their position could be anything from a partner to a friend with benefits; the couple usually sets the boundaries on what they expect (i.e. "you can sleep with other people, but I want us to stay the main couple") and then they explain those boundaries to anyone they may wish to engage with. It may seem strange that a couple committed to each other would sleep with other people, but there's a variety of reasons, ranging from kinks to sexual needs to libido (i.e. a couple with a sex-replused asexual who is comfortable with their partner having responsible / safe sex with other people to satisfy their sexual needs). Some people who have needs like my best friend may benefit from Vs; where one person has two partners, but those partners don't date each other. That doesn't mean they're not aware of each other -- that's NOT polyamory, that's cheating. As you said, polyamory takes communication, and without that, it's not healthy polyamory. There's also Triads (three people all dating each other), Fluid Chains (these tend to end up being two people already in polyamorous couples that start dating each other), and much more! I'd say the judgement of you needs and expectations in a relationship should help you decide what type of relationship you'd want.

As you brought up, there's always a risk of getting into a polyamorous relationship that ends up toxic, but that risk is just as likely as ending up in a toxic monogamous relationship -- neither relationship type is "more prone" to toxicity. I'm very sorry your friend dealt with it firsthand, especially because the first experience being a toxic one can make it very hard to get past that trauma. Getting out of any kind of toxic relatinship can leave you with some trust issues and things to work out; it's just as toxic to force a polyamorous person to be monogamous as it is for a monogamous person to be polyamorous. If you're not comfortable with a certain relationship style, you shouldn't force yourself to comform to someone else's, and vice versa.

I know in the recent years, with polyamory starting to become more talked about, understood, and accepted, that it may seem like it really is the perfect way to date. And for some, it is! For others, not so much. I really recommend making a list of your expectations out of a relationship (as I said before), because that may help you clear up whether or not it's just been romanticized to you, or if you may actually be polyamorous yourself. If possible, maybe try finding some local polyamory support groups / meetups, and seeing if you can find other people who are also questioning whether they're mono or poly -- sometimes what helps is talking to others who have questions, because they may also have answers. It may also end up benefitting you because if you end up dating someone else who isn't sure but is open to trying, you can both safely explore that type of relationship without risking the other not being open to polyamory. Since you are 17, I would highly suggest finding groups geared towards those under 21, because regardless of relationship orientation, an older person persuing you is not okay. Anyone involved in your relationship should be around your age, even if you're not directly dating them.

Sorry if this was a little mixed around, if you need to ask for clarifications on anything, or have any other questions, please feel free to ask! Good luck hun! <3

[thequintessentialqueer]

wtf wtf wtfffff my orthodontist is literally refusing to release my records to my fucking dentist back home. he wants me to go to the oral surgeon here, which is literally not possible for me because a) I am graduating and won't have a home in this city after May 1st, b) I don't have anyone here to perform my at home care for the three weeks after surgery during which I won't be able to eat solid food or care for myself, c) I can't afford to rent here because I won't be working and I will no longer have a scholarship to cover my costs AND I'll be paying back student debt starting in may, d) my parents can't fucking take a minimum of three weeks off work and come live here just so my surgery can occur in the same city as my orthodontist literally wtf???? all that, PLUS when I tried to schedule my surgery with the surgeon here LAST SUMMER at the insistence of the fucking orthodontist, the surgeon charged me $1200 for an explanation of what he would do plus scans of my jaw that I was not informed would cost money (I was told my consult would be $800 and they said when I got there that I "needed the new scans" but didn't inform me it would cost anything til after when it was time to pay). I had to pay on three separate cards and go into credit card debt because I had only saved enough for what they initially told me. so then after all that, they ghosted me for a solid four fucking months. didn't pick up my calls. didn't reply to my voicemails didn't respond to my emails. when they finally got back to me in the last week of fucking august they tried to make me take an appointment in mid october during school. so no. fuck that. I did my best to go through them as my orthodontist demanded but no fucking way. so literally I talked to those shitty fucking surgeons and they said if I find somewhere back home to do the surgery they'll send all their records. which is the least they can do tbh but....Yeah. and I TOLD my orthodontist I was looking for someone back home and he was all "it would be better to do it here" but he agreed to it. because at home care is crucial to recovery and I CANNOT HAVE AT HOME CARE HERE. OR A HOME PERIOD. so I found a surgeon back home with the help of my dentist office and my dentist even offered to contact my orthodontist to get the records for the surgeons. and then that two faced dishonest scamming son of a fuck goes and tells them no?? and not only that. he fucking said to them "I've already told evelyna that her surgery must occur here. if she is insistent upon doing it elsewhere she will have to find another orthodontist." WTF. literally what???? like I don't give a fuck if he wants to be my orthodontist. he's creepy and racist and ableist and I cringe every time I see him like I despise him lmao. but he is withholding my records from the past three years. I need those like jfc wtf??? what a fucking freak???? but like. seriously..... I'm actually gonna cry I'm so mad and stressed. I have been paying $200 a month for this bullshit. I don't have insurance to cover this. I have wasted my osap money that I have to repay so I can fix my teeth and my screwed up jaw. visits with the oral surgeon have already cost me $2800 collectively. and I do not have this money. this is not money I own. this is borrowed money that came directly out of my school loans that I'll be paying back with interest for the next ten years at least. (or it's money from working and from my scholarship). god I should just have accepted my fucked up teeth and my messed up gums and my screwed up skewed ass jaw. this has cost me so much and for what?? to be a year and a half behind, still wearing braces that aren't even doing anything anymore, because of all the mess around surgery? to be treated with such disregard and disrespect? at the very least I should never ever ever have seen an orthodontist here. thst was the biggest mistake of my life tbh. my dentist thought it made more sense because I'm here 8 months of the year, but lord I don't mind going home once in a while. better than coming here in the summer and better than being expected to have my jaw broken, chipped at, pinned together, wired shut in a city where I have no home and no help. I mean god sorry for being melodramatic lmao but literally how is that even supposed to go down??? anyway I am fleeing this fucking man and his creepy ass aryan office lmao yikeesss. like fuck this shit I'm out. gotta figure out how to get away but then I'm gone lmao aahhh anyway that ends that rant. but seriously, has anyone in the # jaw surgery community experienced something like this??? like it seems super sketchy to me tbh but idk