#idk. guess i'm glad i have other fiction to care about right now

[astriiformes]

.

[seeyouspacecoyote]

Long ass stream of consciousness post about my opinions on every fight in Record of Ragnarok so far:

Spoilers for Record of Ragnarok up to Round 9:

Round 1: Thor vs Lu Bu

Pretty decent fight overall, I genuinely couldn't guess who was going to win at first and though Lu Bu's death felt a bit anticlimatic at the end, with him getting his head smashed in by a hammer after all the build-up he had about being the strongest and most badass human and all that. But overall a good fight, I liked Thor and Lu Bu about equally so I was sad but not too sad after it was all said and done.

Round 2: Adam vs. Zeus

I was really hoping for Adam to win, naturally, but I had a feeling Zeus was going to take it because there's no way they would kill off the main villain that quick (and honestly, I don't think anyone else is gonna replace Zeus as the main villain, so to speak, even if there are other gods doing random evil scheming and shit in the background.) The fighting itself was good, though, it was the most straightforward slugfest of them all, no fluff, no frills, just two dudes beating the hell out of each other until one of them ran out of gas in the tank.

Round 3: Kojiro vs. Poseidon

Hoo boy, this was my favorite fight so far, and not only because it was one of the only two fights where the guy I wanted to win most won. I like how much of an asshole Poseidon was right off the bat and how Kojiro didn't let Poseidon get to him at all, despite Poseidon being portrayed as one of the more frightening gods, Kojiro didn't back down and give up, he kept on pushing through and in the end he took it. The moment Kojiro sliced and diced Poseidon like sushi, I literally leapt off my couch and accidentally threw my phone on the ground I was so hype (I watched the anime before reading the manga.)

Round 4: Heracles vs. Jack

I had mixed feelings about this one, because obviously I lean more towards wanting humanity to win but also, I never really liked Jack, and I still don't care for him. He's just there to me, and he does nothing for me. I disliked him a lot in the beginning but now he's just, idk, whatever. I liked Heracles and wanted to see more of him but I had a feeling he was probably going to die because he was portrayed as being much nicer than his opponent while Jack was portrayed as a cunning, crafty trickster, and in most fighting anime/manga series, the fighter who relies more on cunning or sneaky tricks almost always beats the guy who relies more on strength or raw power.

Round 5: Raiden vs. Shiva

I wanted Raiden to take it so bad, Raiden cracked me up from the moment I first saw him lying naked on a bed with a bunch of random women of all sorts of random species, snoring his ass off like it was just a regular fucking Tuesday (no pun intended,) and his introduction scene made me start howling with laughter at his absolute unfiltered horny crackhead energy, plus I love how he was genuinely fond of Thrud from the moment he laid eyes on her and it tugged at my heart strings when he wanted to break their bond at the end so she could live but she chose to die with him anyways because she didn't want to leave him. But of course, given who and what Shiva is, obviously the outcome was as predictable as could be, as there's no fucking way they'd ever kill off Shiva in a fictional series, otherwise you'd have like 2 billion people out for blood and it's pretty damn obvious why.

Round 6: Buddha vs. Zero

Plot wise and thematically, I enjoyed this fight a lot, but it was pretty predictable, because as I mentioned for Round 5, there's a very obvious reason why they would never let Buddha lose, plus Buddha's the one who invented the volund strategy that even allows humans to be able to fight against gods in the first place. That said, I like Buddha as a character even if he's not much like the actual real Buddha, and I'm glad he won. However, Zero having to die really broke my heart, Zero was such a kind, sweet, innocent little guy and I cried a little harder than I'd like to admit when he died. Of course, it also doesn't help that Zero may not have even been a willing participant in the fight in the first place, given his various issues that he'd been dealing with plus the fact that given how he seems much younger than the other gods, it's possible that he might not have even been an adult by their standards and the idea of a child (possibly a young teenager,) fighting in a fight-to-the-death tournament is one that just doesn't sit right with me. That said, I have many opinions about Buddha and Zero, way more than I could fit into a single post, and I'm glad we got to see both of them for the time that we did, and even though I'll always be bummed that we'll never get to see Zero again, I'm glad he was there and I'm glad that in the end even though he died, he was able to return back to his un-corrupted self after his fight with Buddha.

Round 7: Hades vs. Qin

I honestly didn't have much opinions about this fight. For whatever reason, I could never make myself care much about either Hades and Qin as characters and while I appreciate that Hades cared about his brothers, I also don't care for the Greek gods much as a whole, and the rest of them besides Hades annoy me to some degree (especially Poseidon and to a lesser degree Apollo,) and Qin just has way too much going on to the point where he feels more like a collection of as many tropes as someone could fit into a single character packed together in a trenchcoat like a bunch of little kids standing on each other's backs and wearing a big coat to try to disguise themselves as an adult. I had a feeling Qin was probably going to win, but I couldn't really be bothered to care either way, although I did find it odd that Hades would lose to a human-if you had me guess which gods would beat a human no questions asked before I actually started the series, I would have definitely included Hades on that list because I mean, he's the god of death and the underworld, those titles carry a lot of weight.

Round 8: Tesla vs. Beelzebub. I had/have some problems with some of the previous rounds but hoo boy, Round 8 was a disaster. Tesla was given absolutely no prep time to even figure out what to do (and though you could argue the same for other fighters, it's only really relevant for Tesla because he's the only human fighter who was a non-combatant besides Jack, and Jack was already established as a sneaky son of a bitch who will find a way to trick anyone, so he didn't need any prep time.) Including Tesla on the roster was a very odd choice to begin with, and though I like Tesla as a character, I have very mixed feelings about how they handled him fighting. Also, Beelzebub-don't get me started on him. I haven't hated a character this much since Sasuke from Naruto, and to be honest, of the two of them, I think I hate Beelzebub more. Even just having Beelzebub be in the story at all pisses me off, and seeing him kill Tesla after what he did to Zero was one of the few moments in this series that just genuinely pissed me off.

Round 9: Somehow worse than Round 8, which I didn't think was possible. Leonidas hardly got any focus, his backstory was basically just an abbreviated re-telling of the movie 300 and he only got 3 hits on Apollo (granted, those 3 hits were apparently enough to bring Apollo to death's door, but still,) Leonidas had so much wasted potential it pissed me off. Apollo annoys me for various personal reasons and his sudden reveal that "Oh, he's actually not an arrogant preening prick with his head shoved up his ass," halfway through the fight felt so forced it was like a random ass-pull that just came out of nowhere. Leonidas basically didn't get to do much of anything besides be a disposable punching bag for Apollo for 5 fucking chapters and then Apollo's like "Oh, you (and Geirolul) were the peak of beauty." and somehow we're supposed to believe they just suddenly started liking each other out of nowhere. The whole fight felt sloppy and incomplete, like the authors just ran out of fucks to give and wanted to rush it and get through it as fast as possible to move onto Round 10, which I won't get into now for many, many, reasons that would take way, way too long to explain on this post.

[yisanged]

wait i wanna hear your judgements on all the milgram characters now because im curious and i feel like it actually says a lot about a person. if you wanna

yes hi sam hi. okay.

well first i want to say that i'm not super knowledgeable on all the theories and analyses out there so there might be stuff i'm missing that would change my opinions. i am still kinda lost on where exactly you get access to all the milgram content so there's a lot i'm not in the know on. second is that i don't think it's really fair to judge whether or not the characters are forgivable especially since we don't know all the details yet. i obviously learned about milgram a bit late but i would've voted innocent for all of them honestly because like. they all caused the death of another person for sure which is obviously Bad. but i feel like we don't really have a right to form opinions on whether they're forgivable or not. there's still a lot we don't know about their individual circumstances and even if we did know everything we're not even involved other than as outside observers so idk it just doesn't fully sit right. even if they are fictional characters created specifically to be judged by us. so yeah i would've voted them all innocent and i probably will for trial 2 too unless shit starts hitting the fan. of course i do have opinions about each of the characters beyond that and i will be glad to share them 💯

my favorites first. haruka is. scrunkly. fr. his presumed crimes are beating that dog to death and drowning/choking his brother which i think on a personal level is one of the worse crimes out of the characters? but i like him so it's okay. i'm interested in learning more about his situation and character his first trial video left me wondering about that stuff the most out of all of them. amane. ouugh. religious trauma always gets to me in characters. people who said she needed to get voted guilty so she learns the consequences of her actions or whatever are so annoying... like yeah sure that stuff is important i guess but. you think the best way to teach morals to a 12 yo raised in a cult is by slapping her with the guilty and unforgivable label after she gets kidnapped to a strange prison??? while not even knowing what might happen to her after she is voted guilty????? seriously what did they do to her i might kill. anyways. futa. he's a twitter user and he has a black and white sense of justice and thinks he has the authority to judge someone as good or bad. none of those are points in his favor but idk i still really like his character for some reason. i think if he made some friends and stopped going on social media he would be mostly fixed honestly. mu i also really like not for any particular reason... i mean she seems kind of spoiled and whiny but idk. i just like her. being the odd girl out is a relatable experience for me. she's pretty and her song was one of my favorites. these four are the ones i care the most about and want to learn more about

the rest..... i never had any strong feelings towards mahiru in the beginning but i feel kind of bad that she was one of the few that got voted guilty like the way she said things along the lines of if you leave me i'll die and i can't live without you was kind of. uh. but i didn't think her crime seemed that unforgivable especially compared to some of the others that didn't get voted guilty? idk. i mentioned not liking mikoto and i stand by that. i don't really buy into the mental illness/multiple personalities theories and i'll honestly be kind of disappointed if they turn out to be true that's such an overdone and harmful and annoying murderer trope. i think he's just a guy that likes violence and killing and is really good at lying about it after. which is pretty slay for him i guess. it just annoys me how many people latch on to the mental illness thing and it annoys me even more how many people are horny for this guy. they're probably the reason i don't like him actually other than that i don't really have anything against him. i'm not a hardcore yuno fan like she doesn't make me normal but i do love and support her. i like kotoko too the vigilante type thing i'm pretty sure she has going on is interesting but. i know i said i would vote them all innocent but i don't love that her getting voted innocent is leading her into thinking she's working with es behind the scenes i don't think she's that trustworthy. shidou. organ harvester possibly? medical malpracticer most definitely. i don't know i guess i'd want more details before saying anything else i don't have many thoughts about him with what we have right now. i don't really like kazui on a personal level but his story does interest me i want to know more details. es is there. i'm curious about what the story there is and all but they honestly don't interest me that much beyond the standard amount.

anyways this has been my opinions on the milgram characters. it's not super in depth i just kinda briefly touched on my main thoughts because this answer is already too long i am so sorry. but. yeah. i hope you still think im cool

[anaryllis]

thank you ange!! okay so I'm recently coming to terms with being an nb trans guy despite id-ing as an nb lesbian previously. i've known for a while, but i'm just now telling people who are important to me for the first time and pursuing transition. my gf has been super supportive. i love her deeply. i KNOW i'm into women and many nb people, but lately i've been questioning if i like men or not. i know that since becoming more comfortable with my transmasc identity i've been fantasizing (1/4)

about situations with men, specifically other transmascs, and sometimes fictional / celeb men somewhat incessantly. like it's my go to fantasy right now. but i'm not sure i've ever been like attracted to a real guy irl. in fact i'm actively repulsed by many men. i guess all the transmascs in my life (my bro, my best friend) have only ever been in same gender relationships since coming out and i don't know if i'm genuinely into men or if like being mlm is just how i understand trans (2/4)

identity bc of the people in my life. like on one hand i really want for a guy to be attracted to me as a guy and care for me, that sounds so pleasant and gender affirming. the thought makes me happy. but it's also v possible that bc i identified as a lesbian before this i'm just sort of biased against heterosexuals and i'm not mentally prepared for the transhet label. like maybe being a straight guy in a ""queer"" relationship is too confusing to me. idk. me and my gf are openly polyam (3/4)

so i don't know if this desire to pursue men is like genuine potentially bisexual attraction or just some last ditch effort for gender affirmation or to escape straightness. i know on one hand it's not really that important but it's just so hard to categorize these thoughts and feelings and i was curious if you (or maybe any followers) had any thoughts about that. thank you so much. really (4/4)

hi yeah!!! first of all congrats on the new Gender, i hope its giving you all the joy & peace u deserve! & im especially glad u have ur gf to support u thru all of this. from my experience at least the switch from lesbian to well, not that, felt particularly difficult & having the positive ppl in my life rly made a big difference

this ended up rly long so under a cut it goes

like u said before u can rly only answer these questions for urself BUT i can tell u what happened for me & what i rly asked myself! my attraction to women has like, pretty much never been in question. i realized i liked girls age 12 and since then the fluctuations have been based on whether men were involved also lol. during my strongest time identifying as a lesbian, i definitely still had some attraction to men - but it was typically in the context of unattainable men & fictional characters, which sounded like comphet to me so i just didnt worry about it. most men disgusted me & i didnt rly have any close male friends. the closest man in my life was a recent ex that i had difficult feelings surrounding so i preferred to just, ignore it lol. i felt especially disgusted by the idea of being with a man while i identified rly strongly as a woman - both b/c of a revulsion to str8ness lol and also just like. discomfort w the way men see women u know? not to mention i was nonbinary even as a woman, and i had faith that women i dated would see that - i didnt have that faith in potential men i’d date

the real Crisis thing for me was actually developing a crush on my then guy best friend / now boyfriend lol! i didnt understand how i could be feeling so strongly about him when i was supposedly a “lesbian”. i’d already been questioning my gender for a time and that just added more confusion for me & i did a lot of rly long & hard thinking about it, reflected on my own interests (previous partners/crushes, unattainable crushes, etc.), how my own gender played into it, etc. the conclusion i came to was: 1. my attraction to men (irl, attainable ones) is rly dependent on trust. the fact of the matter is ive just never been in that many close, trusting relationships with men so crushes rarely developed. but when they did it rly v obvious it was genuine so i believed it was true, and 2. i do think my gender has a lot to do with it! i feel a lot of the same gender euphoria ur talking about when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend. idk if id call myself transmasc truly but that element of my identity is rly tied to my attraction to men. aand 2b. i think a lot of my stress surrounding relationships with men in the past (like i talked about with dating them as a woman) has been about dysphoria. i didnt feel like it was possible to be with a man before that wouldnt be dysphoria-inducing - but instead it gives me gender euphoria!! which rules!! 3. oh and also like. when it comes to unattainable men im into cis & trans men, but of ppl ive known/been into personally its p much always been trans guys. i felt a lot of guilt around that before, but i do think that just has to do with t4t feelings & that feeling of trust! so unpacking that as being ok also made a difference for me

i do get ur concern about avoiding straightness - i havent had that specific concern, but i do think i was rly moralistic about my attraction to men. like, i felt like being bi didnt fit with my feminist politics, you know? and im definitely bi, so that was bad for me. so i do wanna say: if youre not into men, thats okay!! being a trans guy who loves women is wonderful in its own way, and i dont want u to have to feel shame about that. that said, in my experience i think having Gayness at the core of your attraction makes perfect sense. if exploring your gender as a guy feels linked to being attracted to guys, ive felt the same and you wouldnt be alone in that!

do whatever feels good to you & explore however. but imo my advice is basically: if/when you pursue men romantically, i feel like you’ll Know if its genuine or not. if you’re wanting to be particularly cautious, i’d say like leave the dating field open for guys even if ur not Actively pursuing them, and if the right one comes along that you feel that attraction for him, then i think thatd be wonderful!

sry for the. incredibly long answer but TL;DR: only you’ll know for sure, but it sounds to me like a potential attraction to men is worth exploring for you! so be gentle & patient w urself but whatevr conclusion u come to will be good. and ALSO u can always change ur mind!!!! theres not a max amount of identities u can have, u can change and rethink whenever. best of luck to u!!!!

[tothemeadow]

I've been a proshipper for awhile now but I don't think I want to be anymore? I'm not an anti either though. Maybe I just need a fresh online start? I know it all comes down to not bullying others, which I would never do but there's so much casual racism in the community and whenever I bring it up I get told it's just fiction. As a poc seeing people with blm in their bio creating media that exists solely on race, whitewashing, or stereotypes feels bad. My friends also screenshot teenagers that say they don't like problematic content (not being violent, just complaining in their circle) and then make a whole thread mocking them and it makes me feel sick. Idc that "that's what antis do", two wrongs don't make a right. Idk, I just feel too old for discourse posting (I'm only 22) and I realized that I want to enjoy my problematic content on my own I guess. Barely any of these issues exist off the internet. I like all the characters I want without judgement AND I can also freely say "fictional 18+ content of a 5 year old is weird" and not get an essay about how I'm trying to commit mass censorship. I don't want to be harassed by people for what I like, but I don't want to be called a cop for saying "maybe writing the N word in this fic as a white person is bad." I ESPECIALLY don't want to be gaslit and told that the people doing it aren't "real" proshippers. Sorry for ranting, I just feel alone on this I guess.

I’m glad you feel comfortable getting this off your chest, and I appreciate your honesty. Perhaps I can provide some comfort ot advice?

First and foremost, ship whoever the fuck you want. As long as it’s legal, go for it. Frankly, I ship characters because there’s nice pieces of art/writings? Also, it’s a fictional character and there’s worse things in the world to worry about?

Anyway, the internet is a shit place. While there’s incredible things out here, people strive for negativity to the point where it isn’t even funny. Since things are “anonymous” or not face-to-face, people act like cowards and target others since they “can’t get in trouble.” In my opinion, people tend to lack maturity when it comes to the internet and it’s disgusting. This is a big reason why I don’t have many social media accounts, and by god it’s one of the best decisions of my life. I’d rather spend my time worrying about my frail grandmother who has Alzheimers rather than argue with some stranger over an issue that neither of us can control.

As for the race issue, I try to keep things neutral as possible in my works. Unless somebody specifically asks for something, that’s how I try to do it. I myself am white, and I know a lot of works cater to lighter skin people. It’s unfair, yes, but there’s nothing I can do personally about the issue. (This is where my POC writers come and serve justice, to kudos to you 👏👏👏)

What I’m trying to say is that the internet is not a good place. While there IS some safe spaces, overall it’s shit. People do get sensitive for the wrong reasons, and it completely blows my mind for their arguments. Maybe I sound like an asshole about this, but I truly do think people are wasting their time and energy on trying to bring others down. If someone randomly left a message in my inbox saying something along the lines of “you suck, fuck off,” like... Who cares? They’re probably gonna be on anon anyway? Whatever I write and post is not affecting your life whatsoever, besides the point of you “not liking it.”

And that’s what it boils down to. If people don’t agree with each other, they tear the other down. And it’s like hey, if you wanna act like a damn monkey, go to a zoo. I understand that people don’t share the same ideology as me, but come on. It’s not hard to not treat others like shit. Then again, common decency is too hard to understand nowadays, at least at a majority level.

I probably sound like I’m preaching or I’m saying I’m better than others. And you know what? That’s okay. Why? Because I respect others, especially online. If I don’t like what I see, I click away rather than target them and try to make them feel like shit. Like what RuPaul said, it is NOT your business what other people think of you. If they don’t like you, who cares? If they don’t like what you’re into, who cares? As far as I’m concerned, it’s your own life and you can do as you please.

I realized I’m rambling, wow. I may have gotten off topic >.> Either way, I’m trying to say is “do what you want.” Granted, I’m not saying you should do illegal shit, but just... enjoy what you want? I don’t think I can convey this through text, and I apologize. Being online means you have to walk on eggshells constantly, and that’s what sucks about it. I mean, aren’t most things out there for our enjoyment? Who decided it would be a good idea to knock that idea and turn communities into such toxic places?

If I could rewrite the world, I would. I personally apologize if my words seem “typical” in any sort of way. I know people tend to write with their familiar with, and maybe of caution? Like, they don’t want to screw something up? I dunno. This is a big rant, yada yada, and I don’t know if it makes sense or even helps. I’ve said numerous times that I want this blog to be an open place, so I thank you for being honest.

[sophygurl]

Hi! I was just browsing through my activity and noticed that after I responded to your ask about ships a while back, you reblogged and shared your thoughts about Spuffy. I'm so glad you were able to read my opinions and understand them, even if you didn't agree with them. I just wanted to stop by and ask what your thoughts and feelings are on Spuffy? I'd love to hear your perspective :)

Oh wooooow, you have no idea how happy you just made me! I feel like I talk about spuffy quite a lot but without ever really saying much of anything because inside of me it’s just a lot of (!!!!!>?>>?!!?!>fjhghhf?!?!?!?!!?) YKWM? Like feels central exploding all over the place and it’s really difficult for me to put into coherent words. 

But I’ve also been wanting and meaning to write some serious spuffy meta and kinda dissect what it all means to me personally, as a survivor, for some time now. And like. Especially with all of this purity culture stuff coming to a head, it feels like a good time to take the time to try and do it because, yea, shit not only doesn’t have to be pure to be helpful - but sometimes the darker stuff IS the Most helpful. 

And I really did appreciate your perspective about the relationship because you talked about the ways in which it did and didn’t work for you without ever shaming anyone for the way it does work for them? And I wish we could all do that more. 

So thank you so much for sending me this ask, and asking for my perspective because sometimes all it takes for me to finally settle down and write something I wanna write anyways is to be asked by someone else to do it! 

This is absolutely gonna get long so have a read more cut.

For context, let me start by saying that I didn’t watch Buffy when it first aired - it was, mmm, I wanna say about 10-11 years ago when I decided to try it out. And while I was watching it, I was also in the midst of doing some heavy duty therapy work on my PTSD stemming from childhood sexual abuse and then some further traumas in my young adulthood that happened because of poor processing of said abuse. I’m not gonna get into details about my personal traumas except for some specific ways in which they relate to the lens in which I watched and processed the relationship between Buffy and Spike. BUT, due to that lens, there very well may be triggery content in this post. 

My experience watching Buffy, in general, started out with me being really unsure what the draw was in season 1 and then slowly getting more involved in the characters and relationships and mythos as the series developed into a more mature and nuanced show. I was really hooked by season five, and season six is my favorite, with seven a close second. 

I liked Buffy, the character, okay in the beginning but it wasn’t until she started really going through and processing her traumas that I started to personally connect to her. So season six was like, my jam. She was raw and stripped down to the nerve, and cycling between like outright rage to pure numbness and just lashing out trying desperately to feel and to make sense of her experiences and I was like - yea, Buffy, same, Same. And then in season seven she starts really contextualizing her trauma and using the pain of it to give herself more power and then sharing that power with others and it was just … fuck, I can’t even begin to tell you what that meant to me. In that last episode, I felt her handing me back my OWN power - like I FELT it - it really … anyway. We’ll get there.

And then there was Spike, who I loved right away. I love me some snarky villains. I love me the bad boy who has hidden depths inside of him. I love the villain who doesn’t … really fit the mold of the other villains in-verse. I love the villain who doesn’t mind working with the heroes if it fits his agenda. Basically, Spike was fictional catnip for me right out of the gate.

I adored Spike and Drusilla together for a lot of reasons, but for Spike to develop beyond just Big Bad, he had to fall out of her orbit, so I was okay with that ending.

On the other hand, I was never into Buffy and Angel. Watching the series as an adult, it just felt creepy to me how this old vampire basically stalked a very innocent-seeming to me teen Buffy. Their romance reminded me of girls I knew who fell for older guys when I was in high school where the older guy seemed sort of dangerous and mysterious and I get the draw from Her perspective - but not necessarily his? I don’t know, I just personally never really bought them being truly in love - they were sort of practice relationships for one another? Her as a young teenager, and him as someone just starting to re-learn humanity. I never Disliked them together… I just never shipped it. The idea of them being one another’s One True Love’s was just sorta meh to me. 

So when Spike started having his crush on Buffy? I was so ready for that. Because it was so silly at first, right? It was not serious. It was creepy and weird and wrong. But in a way that appealed to me. 

How do I explain? I guess, it had to do with all of the reasons that Spike was Not Like All The Other Villains/Vampires. Angel was always different but ONLY because he was cursed with a soul. It was a thing done TO him and when he reverted back to Angelus he was literally a whole different person and did not have any desire to turn back into Angel. When he was Angel, he was all brooding and guilt-ridden and terrified of his other self. 

But Spike was always different just because he was different. This didn’t mean he had a soul or a capacity for love or the ability to be a Good Guy. It just meant he worked a little differently than the other vampires. I truly think he loved and was devoted to Dru. I don’t think she was capable of returning that love in the same way. 

So, anyway, Spike is back and he’s split with Dru because Dru could just … tell … something was off and Spike was wanting to deny that but then suddenly - crush! Not love, not attraction, not lust, not desire - a freaking schoolboy crush.

But of course it was creepy because hello - soulless vampire who has never had a healthy relationship of any kind in his LIFE. But he starts doing these odd things, like wanting to comfort Buffy when he sees that she’s upset and being willing to take care of Dawn when no one else was available and HE doesn’t get it either, but somehow he’s becoming a slightly more decent person because of this weirdass crush? 

IDK, that’s appealing.

And let me clarify. It’s not appealing to me because I see myself in the Good Girl who can make a Bad Boy into a better person. That is never what’s appealed to be about these types of relationships. 

In large part because of my abuse, I see different layers of myself in each character. 

I went through a large portion of my life pretending very hard to be a Good Girl and then when I finally came out of denial about the abuse realized that was because inside I felt like a very Bad Girl and then as I pursued more recovery realized it’s all a lot more complex than that but really I’ve been more of a Decent Person who felt like a Bad Person trying really hard to be a Good Person. I hope that makes sense.

But the point is. I see myself in both the Good and the Bad characters in these sorts of push-pull love-hate dynamic relationships.

And what I love about spuffy, specifically, is that they’re both … both. Eventually. I’m getting ahead of myself. But yes, Spike suddenly wanting to be decent here and there because of his weird developing feelings for Buffy appealed to me - and especially to part of me that feels Bad. I’m Spike in this scenario, not Buffy. 

But I’m also Buffy, being really grossed by this Bad Person’s interest in me. When Buffy throws her money at Spike and says he’s not good enough for her - that’s me hating myself and saying I’m not good enough. But it’s also, strangely, me taking a stand and saying I’m worth better than the ways in which I was treated.

Gods, this whole abuse recovery dichotomy can be so confusing to explain because like. I never abused anyone. But the ugliness I feel inside of myself has to do with what happened to me, and also with what I know people in my family have done to others. So there’s this idea of Badness there. And the idea of there being forgiveness and redemption for that Badness is very very appealing.

And at the same time? There’s this beauty inside of myself that I always thought I was faking but that it turns out - is fucking real and precious and important. And standing up for that broken beautiful part of myself and saying no to being used and abused again is so powerful.

So in that scene? I’m the ugliness in Spike being hated by Buffy but I’m ALSO the powerful beauty in Buffy standing up for herself.

You can maybe see how this all gets even more tangled up the further we go, yea?

So Spike gets chipped and becomes a part of the team - all the while simultaneously reminding them that he’s still a Bad Guy AND slowly becoming a slightly better person because of his interactions with them and his feelings for Buffy. He’s not even close to redeemed, okay, he’s still a villain. He’s just a more and more intriguing villain, an anti-villain, even, eventually.

And then season six. And Buffy comes back. And she’s broken and raw and needing something that her friends cannot give her. She is needing to connect to the darkness inside of herself, and who is waiting there for her? 

And so yea, okay, hatesex is very appealing to me just inandofitself. It’s like double the passion and it’s animalistic and there’s something so sexy and gratifying about two people just using one another with equal force, yk? 

And Spike and Buffy are physically matched perfectly. She can take all her anger and pain and rage out on him without permanently damaging him. And she’s NEVER been able to let loose like that before. Her first time with Angel was a more tender and sweet moment and then - welp - turns out they can’t do the do. And otherwise she’s been with humans who she’s had to hold back with. There was zero holding back with Spike. 

So from Buffy’s perspective, there’s this amazing relief and release and yea, even, empowerment in being able to just freely let herself go in this way. 

From Spike’s point of view, it was about more. And here is where I feel for him because, at this point he’s still not really capable of love in the way we talk about it as being something from a soul. He’s chipped but not soul’d. He has strong feelings for Buffy that no vampire (besides cursed-soul Angel) should be able to have. But it’s not … quite … love. It’s passion and it’s care and it’s wanting and it’s even becoming something like friendship. But it’s not love, much as he thinks it is.

But he does Think it is. And he’s thinking it’s the same for her, but she just can’t admit it, yet. The hatesex to him … is just  … sex. And he fully believes he’s winning her over. And so her constant rejection of him as a fully human person with a soul and feelings guts him - even as he’s still trying to convince himself that he does love her and she does somehow secretly love him back. 

The fact that she keeps using him physically, and also keeps coming to him for emotional support, supports this belief and keeps him from understanding the reality of the situation.

Now, I think I mentioned than when I was watching this for the first time I was in heavy duty therapy mode yea? Well, there was another even heavier duty therapy mode a good tenish years prior when I had first admitted to the abuse I experienced and got really good and fucked up and made some bad personal decisions and here is where some of that comes to play because I saw myself in this scenario - again from both sides.

I am Buffy learning to enjoy the pleasures of my body and sexuality for the first time but also making really bad decisions about who to share that with because I am still so new to processing my trauma.

I am also Spike - longing for something more and better and being told (by myself) that I was not good enough, that I was bad, that I was not a full human person who deserved good things or good relationships.

(There, there, pastme - it does get better)

Back to first-time-Buffy-watching me. And I am enjoying the HECK out of the spuffy sex and I am feeling for poor pining Spike and feeling for Buffy who is hating herself for what she’s doing and also shipping them like WHOA because there is so much about their dynamic that is just sexy and fun and FEELS everywhere. 

But I knew Seeing Red was coming, because I did have a few things spoiled for me just by existing in the world for years without having watched the show yet myself. I really didn’t wanna watch it, or the rest of season six. So I got into a spiral of just watching the earlier parts of the season over and over - specifically the musical and through the 3 episodes of heavy spuffy sex. I did a LOT of processing during this time and then eventually girded myself to watch what I knew was coming. 

And Seeing Red is awful. Traumatic. Triggering. Terrible. But also, like, gods, did it make sense for where these two characters were at this point in time? I didn’t feel like it was contrived or somehow put in just for the heck of it. It made sense in the narrative. Spike legitimately just did not get it. He did not realize he was attempting rape until … finally … he did. 

And the horror of that, the horror of realizing that he almost did that to the ONE person in the world that he has ever cared that much about? Broke him. Sent him off on a magical quest to get his fucking soul back.

No one did that. Even Angel was Cursed with his soul, right? No vampire ever wanted to get their soul back - even had enough non-ensouled feelings to have the ability to want such a thing. Not to mention going through the trials of actually getting it back.

Season seven Spike is such a different beast. He’s messed up from the soul-thing, but I honestly believe Most of his messed-up-ness came from what The First was doing to/through him. Because … gods, okay.

When Spike goes through the flashbacks and recognizes what his trigger is? (Like the show legit uses PTSD terminology here - it was a Trigger) He processes his Own old traumas and he is able to tell Robin basically - fuck it, I know who I am. I know I did terrible things without my soul, but I can’t and won’t beat myself up for that (for example the way Angel does) because it wasn’t entirely my fault and all I can control now is who I am now and what I do now.

Now THAT spoke to me as a trauma survivor. Stop hanging on to all of this so-called badness inside, forgive yourself, and move on. WOW. Fucking powerful. 

And what he DOES choose to do is to be there for Buffy in any way she will allow him to.

Ensouled Spike is no longer creeping around her or making weird assumptions about her or trying to Get something From her. Ensouled Spike defends her when others attack. Ensouled Spike holds her all night when she needs it and gives her pep talks and asks what he can do to help and accepts when he can’t help and just stands there quietly willing to do battle With her. 

I just … phew… that makes me emotional. 

Because, again, I look back at some of those dysfunctional relationships I got into in my early 20′s and like. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that. 

And my attraction to the Fictional Bad Boy with a Hidden Heart of Gold was never about expecting any of them to. I was with them, unconsciously or even some cases consciously, on purpose to punish myself or to work out past traumas with or just to Feel Something. I never expected or even necessarily wanted deep love from them.

So, here’s the thing. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that for me. Nor I them. 

So Spike slowly gaining his redemption through his willingness to become a better person because of his love of Buffy? Fucking spoke to me.

And Buffy slowly accepting the darker parts of herself through her willingness to let Spike into her orbit because of her feelings for him? Fucking yes. 

And when she hands him the - shit it’s been a long time - that medallion meant for a champion? And he doesn’t think he’s worthy, but she says she knows he is. Fuck!!! That is ME accepting ME, okay? All of myself, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the messed up and the slowly healing. All of it. 

And when he sacrifices himself in the end??? When that’s how she’s finally able to defeat The First? All that power sharing with all of the other women was *chefkiss* but it also took Spike. Spike who stormed on the scene in season two with snark and a twisted sense of love and no desire to ever be a hero? That Spike!? Sacrificing himself and STILL NOT BELIEVING BUFFY LOVES HIM. 

Because by then, let’s be clear, she did. Maybe not the same way he loved her, but she did love him. And he doesn’t believe it, can’t believe himself worthy of that love. But he sacrifices himself ANYway?

THAT Spike? Is no longer asking anything in return. He gives all of himself and won’t even accept her statement of love in return. “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it anyway.” Just AUGJH?!? You know??? 

That was me … redeeming me … for me…. 

So anyway. 

I just want to add that AS I WAS WRITING THIS OUT, I got another ask in my inbox stating “People who like problematic or villainous characters are apologist for shitty people and should rethink their life because they’re shitty people.”

And this is the exact WRONG time to come for me like this because I just poured out my entire traumatized abuse surviving soul into the internet to explain why watching a problematic villain evolve and learn to do better helped ME to contextualize and process my fucking trauma. So fuck you. People who write anonymous hate without knowing the full story are being shitty and should rethink their actions because they’re shitting on actual REAL LIFE COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE. 

The end. 

[peregrintook]

10, 18, 21, 22, 28, 41, 44, 65, 98, 99, 107, 114, 118, 119, 131, 148, 150, 157, 194, 201, 212, 215, 216 ( I'm sorry if they're a lot but I like them very much)

OHMYGOD greddie this is your revenge isn’t it

Okay here we go

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

My bf and me use the word “beste”. It’s german and means “best”, but we use it without any articles or anything. We just look at something or indicate what we mean and then say “Beste.” Which is a bit weird, I guess, but it happened once and now we can’t stop. We use it for things, but also food, or actions. XD

In english I think I tend to overuse the word “awesome” sometimes.

18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down? 

When I feel REALLY down, I usually watch LotR. I pretty much know it by heart by now so it’s really calming for me to watch, plus I just adore this world and its characters.

Very often I also turn toward the HP movies (to everybody’s great surprise, I’m sure), or Pacific Rim, or Pride and Prejudice... I have a ton of comfort movies.

21: What am I most afraid of?

Deep, philosophical answer: meaninglessness. I want to matter. I want to make an impact, I want to be remembered, I want to be needed, I want to BE. The idea of a meaningless life followed by an equally meaningless death scares the hell out of me.

Less deep and philosophical answer: dentists and spiders?

Putting this under a cut because it’s getting super long!

22: A good quality of mine?

I’m a good listener and I’m honest. So if you ever need honest opinions/advice on/for a situation your in.. i’m ur girl.

28: Something I miss?

Something or someone? SomeTHING I miss is my old home. I miss the house, the garden, I miss sitting on the roof, I miss walking out the door and being right in the middle of nowhere. I miss that so, so, SO much.

41: Do I have any strange phobias?

Dentists? That’s not strange, is it? My strange one is balloons. I can’t stand them. I go out of my way to avoid them. Helium filled balloons are fine, mostly, and hotairballoons are fine too. But the normal, like, kid-party balloons? I hate them, stay away from me.

44: Last book I read?

I’m currently reading “Norse Mythology” by Neil Gaiman and I’m enjoying it a LOT! Before that I read Shakespeare’s “Richard II” and absolutely loved it.

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

Hmm. I want to say Middle-earth, but I think, given the choice, I’d rather be a witch in the HP universe? But then again, ROHAN. Or maybe a captain in the aerial corpse of the Temeraire universe? I DON’T KNOW. ALL OF THEM. ;--;

98: 3 things I love?

- the feeling when i’m becoming obsessed with something new 

- when summer is over and it’s finally cold enough to wear a sweater

- meeting someone new and realizing you’re extremely similar and share so many thoughts and interests

99: 3 things I hate?

- Passive aggression, especially when it’s hidden behind fake concern. That’s extremely specific I know, but it’s something that drove me up the wall a few days ago. 

- Lies. Cliche, but, honestly? Don’t fucking lie. What’s the point. Oh, that also includes, cheating, betrayal, etc, any kind of dishonesty.

- People who treat their animals badly. Ignorance isn’t an excuse. Read up on proper animal care before you get a pet. Seriously, it’s not that hard, you have the entire internet at your disposal!

107: Guilty pleasure?

I don’t think I have guilty pleasures anymore. I used to be ashamed of liking a bunch of things, but I’ve realized that it’s my business and my business only what I like and dislike. I guess a while ago I would have said Bollywood? But it’s not a guilty pleasure, it’s just a pleasure! Bollywood movies are awesome!

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit?

Norway. I want to go hiking or camping there, or both. It looks so beautiful on images I’ve seen, and I’m so interested in its history and mythology.

118: Do I like space?

I LOVE SPACE. Kid-me was obsessed with space. I had and still have a bunch of books on various space related topics.

119: Do I like the deep ocean? 

HELL YES. Not as many books on that front, not in my possession anyway, but I’d love to read more about it. It’s so amazing to me that we’re still exploring and finding out new things about all the stuff that’s going on down there. It’s mysterious, and I live for mystery. (Same with space, obviously)

131: Am I a good liar?

Hahah. I’m the WORST liar. I hate lying, so I always avoid it. I blush and laugh. I can hold eyecontact but it’s still obvious. I’m just. The worst liar. And frankly I’m happy with that!

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real?

Temeraire. My beloved imperial social justice warrior dragon Temeraire. I love him so so so much. SO much.

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

Let’s face it, I have not made any good decisions so far. Jk, idk, maybe breaking up with my ex boyfriend, and moving in with my current one? Because that old relationship was SO not a happy one, but this one is so awesome. I have all the freedom I could ask for, but at the same time all the emotional support and love I could ask for as well.

Another good decision I’m really glad I made was reaching out to my brother a few years ago because I hated that we almost never talked to each other outside of family meetings/family issues. That has changed since then!

157: What makes me nostalgic?

Looking at pictures of the place where I used to live. I miss the castle, and I miss the park, and I miss the old christmas market.

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be?

I’m not sure I want to think about that. I don’t think I could choose my last words right now, since I don’t know what I’ll be and what I’ll know when I die. If I was dying right now, my last words would probably be “No, this can’t be it, there’s still so much I want to do!”

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me?

I had a terrifying nightmare when I was a kid.

I was running down the hall in our old house, knocking open the door to my dad’s office and running inside at full speed, not noticing that there was a trap on the floor. I ran right into it. It was a magical trap, and it didn’t hurt me, but it pulled me down to the floor so I was lying down with my arms outstretched like I’d been crucified, and I couldn’t move. My parents and brother and I think my grandma were all there, just looking down at me with really sad eyes. Then they picked up my teacup and drew a black X on it, which, in that dream, meant that the person who the cup belonged to, had died. But I wasn’t dead, I was just lying on the floor, right there! I remember pleading with them to just help me up, help me get out of that trap, but they didn’t move.

It was scary as all hell.

212: Was I named after anyone?

I was! My mum named me after her favorite aunt, Christine, who, sadly, died before I ever had a chance to meet her.

215: What is the weirdest talent I have? 

I don’t think I have weird talents. I’m not sure I have talents at all. I just put a lot of work and energy into the things I’m good at now?

216: Favourite fictional character?

Greddie. Why. Why would you do this to me. You KNOW I can not decide.

I’ll name my favorite faves, is that alright?

Eowyn, Boromir, Harry Potter, the Weasley Twins, The Fool/Beloved, Temeraire, Loki, Sam Winchester.

That’s FAR from everyone, but I tried. It’s a bunch of the ones who are extremely important to me!