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welllpthisishappening · 3 years

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Welllp These Are Books: the June 2021 Edition

I have read a lot of books this month. That should be stated upfront. Just an absolute metric ton of books. Some real good, some not-so good, some inadvertently hysterical. Also, I made that BINGO board. Because, like, you ever have a total crisis of writing-confidence and ignore that potential freakout and the tendency of your coworkers to miss deadlines by reading every free Amazon sports romance you can find? And several full YA series? In one month? No? My experiences are not universal, I understand. Anyway, there’s thoughts and opinions and spoilers under the cut. Everyone read the Once Upon a Con series, I’m begging you.

READ THIS SERIES! PLEASE! EVERY BOOK WAS SO CUTE! EVERYONE IN EVERY BOOK WAS SO CUTE! THE FANDOM STUFF DID NOT GIVE ME SECOND-HAND EMBARRASSMENT!

Geekerella by Ashley Poston Part romance, part love letter to nerd culture, and all totally adorbs, Geekerella is a fairy tale for anyone who believes in the magic of fandom. Geek girl Elle Wittimer lives and breathes Starfield, the classic sci-fi series she grew up watching with her late father. So when she sees a cosplay contest for a new Starfield movie, she has to enter. The prize? An invitation to the ExcelsiCon Cosplay Ball, and a meet-and-greet with the actor slated to play Federation Prince Carmindor in the reboot. With savings from her gig at the Magic Pumpkin food truck (and her dad’s old costume), Elle’s determined to win…unless her stepsisters get there first. Teen actor Darien Freeman used to live for cons—before he was famous. Now they’re nothing but autographs and awkward meet-and-greets. Playing Carmindor is all he’s ever wanted, but the Starfield fandom has written him off as just another dumb heartthrob. As ExcelsiCon draws near, Darien feels more and more like a fake—until he meets a girl who shows him otherwise.

The Princess and the Fangirl by Ashley Poston Imogen Lovelace is an ordinary fangirl on an impossible mission: to save her favorite Starfield character, Princess Amara, from being killed off. On the other hand, the actress who plays Amara wouldn’t mind being axed. Jessica Stone doesn’t even like being part of the Starfield franchise—and she’s desperate to leave the intense scrutiny of fandom behind. Though Imogen and Jess have nothing in common, they do look strangely similar to one another—and a case of mistaken identity at ExcelsiCon sets off a chain of events that will change both of their lives. When the script for the Starfield sequel leaks, with all signs pointing to Jess, she and Imogen must trade places to find the person responsible. The deal: Imogen will play Jess at her signings and panels, and Jess will help Imogen’s best friend run their booth. But as these “princesses” race to find the script leaker—in each other’s shoes—they’re up against more than they bargained for. From the darker side of fandom to unexpected crushes, Imogen and Jess must find a way to rescue themselves from their own expectations...and redefine what it means to live happily ever after.

Bookish and the Beast by Ashley Poston In this third book of the Once Upon a Con series, Rosie Thorne is feeling stuck—on her college application essays, in her small town, and on that mysterious General Sond cosplayer she met at ExcelsiCon. Most of all, she’s stuck in her grief over her mother’s death. Her only solace was her late mother’s library of rare Starfield novels, but even that disappeared when they sold it to pay off hospital bills. On the other hand, Vance Reigns has been Hollywood royalty for as long as he can remember—with all the privilege and scrutiny that entails. When a tabloid scandal catches up to him, he’s forced to hide out somewhere the paparazzi would never expect to find him: Small Town USA. At least there’s a library in the house. Too bad he doesn’t read. When Vance’s and Rosie’s paths collide, sparks do not fly. But as they begrudgingly get to know each other, their careful masks come off—and they may just find that there’s more risk in shutting each other out than in opening their hearts.

— I cannot possibly overstate what an absolute delight this series was. Cute and sweet and adorable. Like rot your teeth sweet with romances that my high-school self would have swooned over. (I would have been so in love with Darien Freeman as a 16 year old, it’s not even funny. Also, I would have been obsessed with Starfield.) Let’s be honest, my current self swooned quite a lot. Reading these books genuinely felt like a love letter to fandom. To the good and bad and trashy parts of it, and it made my heart swell thinking about these fictional kids and the community they found and how much they learned and then they FELL IN LOVE and, like, not to sound like an after-school special, but: THE REP IN THESE BOOKS?!?? HOLY S H I T. So good. So goddamn good. And not, like, shoved to the side. Like, Jess falls in love with a girl. And it gets its swoon-worthy moment as much as anyone else. Plus, bi-librarian dad who wears suspenders??? Sign. Me. Up. Twisting the fairy tales into the stories also worked really well in my opinion. Honestly my only gripe was that Darien found a cell phone number in the white pages, but, like, everything else was a joy. Please read these books. I promise they will make you smile.

IN WHICH I CAN NEVER TURN DOWN A BEAUTY AND THE BEAST ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Cruel Beauty by Rosamund Hodge Betrothed to the evil ruler of her kingdom, Nyx has always known that her fate was to marry him, kill him, and free her people from his tyranny. But on her seventeenth birthday when she moves into his castle high on the kingdom's mountaintop, nothing is what she expected—particularly her charming and beguiling new husband. Nyx knows she must save her homeland at all costs, yet she can't resist the pull of her sworn enemy—who's gotten in her way by stealing her heart.

— Yo. YO. Everyone in this book was horrible! And it was wonderful! I figured out the twist approximately point two seconds after the potential for a twist was possibly introduced and it did not diminish my enjoyment of this book for one second. I am such a sucker for any Beauty and the Beast AU, but this was way different than anything I’d read before and Nyx was a blood-thirsty terror and I loved her. The magic and the world building was fascinating in that I really did not expect Greek gods and goddess, but it was also a welcome turn in a weird, huh, that’s interesting sort of way. And the banter was a-plus, top tier. Even when they were snarking at each other. Especially when they were snarking at each other. (Still a pretty quick turn from enemies to lovers, but I’m willing to overlook that based almost solely on the snark.) Plus, the castle was fascinating. And there were more twists aside from the main twist, none of which I figured out. All of which I gasped over. The end was like—chef’s kiss, fantastic. I would like a novel-length sequel to tell me how everything worked out.

...BUT THE LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD ONE WASN’T AS GOOD

Crimson Bound by Rosamund Hodge When Rachelle was fifteen she was good—apprenticed to her aunt and in training to protect her village from dark magic. But she was also reckless—straying from the forest path in search of a way to free her world from the threat of eternal darkness. After an illicit meeting goes dreadfully wrong, Rachelle is forced to make a terrible choice that binds her to the very evil she had hoped to defeat.Three years later, Rachelle has given her life to serving the realm, fighting deadly creatures in a vain effort to atone. When the king orders her to guard his son Armand—the man she hates most—Rachelle forces Armand to help her hunt for the legendary sword that might save their world. Together, they navigate the opulent world of the courtly elite, where beauty and power reign and no one can be trusted. And as the two become unexpected allies, they discover far-reaching conspiracies, hidden magic . . . and a love that may be their undoing. Within a palace built on unbelievable wealth and dangerous secrets, can Rachelle discover the truth and stop the fall of endless night?

— As much as I loved Cruel Beauty, I was like ehhhh on this one. Which is part Little Red Riding Hood (although that seems like a stretch, honestly) and part The Girl With No Hands, which is a fairy tale I have literally never heard of before. Rachelle was just—sorta whiny? Which, y’know, she was cursed and had fucked up her entire life, so fair, but also...annoying. I kept reading mostly to try and understand what the FUCK was going on with the magic. I like to consider myself a relatively intelligent person who can understand most YA novels, but this one was tough to keep track of. Like, sure, the imagery of the Dark Forest was cool, but also what is a Gladspring? I’m still not sure I know. Also, this kind of dragged in some places. Lots of patrolling the palace (whining about life) and not enough magic-fighting or establishing any sort of relationship between Rachelle and Armand. Which just sort of happened? Amidst, approximately, twenty-four different twists that were admittedly cool, but also felt like they came out of nowhere. Everything that happened in Cruel Beauty made sense. Most of what happened here felt like it was shoehorned in for shock value.

YOU WANT MORAL AMBIGUITY? BOY HAVE I GOT MORAL AMBIGUITY FOR YOU. IN GODDAMN SPADES.

The Firebird Series by Claudia Gray Marguerite Caine's physicist parents are known for their groundbreaking achievements. Their most astonishing invention, called the Firebird, allows users to jump into multiple universes—and promises to revolutionize science forever. But then Marguerite's father is murdered, and the killer—her parent's handsome, enigmatic assistant Paul— escapes into another dimension before the law can touch him.Marguerite refuses to let the man who destroyed her family go free. So she races after Paul through different universes, always leaping into another version of herself. But she also meets alternate versions of the people she knows—including Paul, whose life entangles with hers in increasingly familiar ways. Before long she begins to question Paul's guilt—as well as her own heart. And soon she discovers the truth behind her father's death is far more sinister than she expected.

— Guys. GUYS. These books, oh my G O D. Little known fact about me, but I am trash for cross-dimensional soulmates. The concept of “we’ll find each other anywhere” is one of my favorites, so I was so psyched about these books. And for awhile that’s what I thought I was going to get out of them. But. BUT! What I actually got was something, not totally different, but not entirely great, either. The problem here was that when anyone used one of the Firebird devices to jump dimensions they TOOK OVER THE BODY THEY JUMPED INTO. So, like, that consciousness got shoved to the side while whatever prime!person just took over. Living that body’s life. In a different dimension. And that’s kinda fucked up, right??? Brings in all sorts of questions about consent and morality and let me tell you, guys, this YA series DID NOT ADDRESS A SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Which is also super fucked up!! So, like, Marguerite is just bouncing around dimensions taking over people’s bodies and lives and leaving this, frankly, trail of destruction in her wake. And as if that wasn’t enough!!! In the second book Paul’s soul gets, like, split and she’s got to round up the pieces through dimensions, meeting all sorts of Pauls who are occasionally kind of shit people and he eventually just, like, CANNOT COPE. Seriously, I could not stop reading these. Partially for the moral ambiguity. Partially because I could not figure out why Paul loved Marguerite. Also, capitalism was the ultimate villain. AS IT SHOULD BE, REALLY.

CREEPY FAE WERE KIND OF CREEPY AND THAT’S NOT BAD, BUT LIKE MAYBE THIS WASN’T A GOOD BOOK?

An Enchantment of Ravens by Margaret Rogerson Isobel is an artistic prodigy with a dangerous set of clients: the sinister fair folk, immortal creatures who cannot bake bread or put a pen to paper without crumbling to dust. They crave human Craft with a terrible thirst, and Isobel’s paintings are highly prized. But when she receives her first royal patron—Rook, the autumn prince—she makes a terrible mistake. She paints mortal sorrow in his eyes—a weakness that could cost him his life. Furious, Rook spirits her away to his kingdom to stand trial for her crime. But something is seriously wrong in his world, and they are attacked from every side. With Isobel and Rook depending on each other for survival, their alliance blossoms into trust, then love—and that love violates the fair folks’ ruthless laws. Now both of their lives are forfeit, unless Isobel can use her skill as an artist to fight the fairy courts. Because secretly, her Craft represents a threat the fair folk have never faced in all the millennia of their unchanging lives: for the first time, her portraits have the power to make them feel.

— I’ve seen this book mentioned a lot. As good. And it wasn’t not good, but Isobel was pretty goddamn annoying and kind of dumb and a little self-important and I was mostly here for the creepy fae. That was fun. More fae should have antlers and stuff. Everything in this story happened ridiculously fast. I couldn’t believe it was over when it was over.

THE PROSE WAS VERY PRETTY. I’M NOT SURE WHY THE DRAGON HAD TO BE SUCH A MONUMENTAL DICK.

Uprooted by Naomi Novik Agnieszka loves her valley home, her quiet village, the forests and the bright shining river. But the corrupted Wood stands on the border, full of malevolent power, and its shadow lies over her life. Her people rely on the cold, driven wizard known only as the Dragon to keep its powers at bay. But he demands a terrible price for his help: one young woman handed over to serve him for ten years, a fate almost as terrible as falling to the Wood. The next choosing is fast approaching, and Agnieszka is afraid. She knows—everyone knows—that the Dragon will take Kasia: beautiful, graceful, brave Kasia, all the things Agnieszka isn’t, and her dearest friend in the world. And there is no way to save her. But Agnieszka fears the wrong things. For when the Dragon comes, it is not Kasia he will choose.

— Let me just say first off, that this should have been two books. Everything happened so quickly, I swear I got whiplash. That being said, as a heroine, I liked Agnieszka a lot. She was understandably freaked by everything that happened, but once she kind of settled, she didn’t take The Dragon’s shit and that was good because The Dragon was kind of shitty. This is why it should have been two books. Because everything The Dragon did felt like it needed some kind of explanation. Or at least some sort of reasoning for why he was such a monumental bastard. Which is why I was a little confused that Agnieszka was in love with him? He was such a dick, honestly. The last third or so of this book was the best because Novik really does know how to write action and the magic itself was pretty fascinating. (I wish it went into more depth, but I think I’m spoiled by fic and that’s not actually how the publishing world works.) Kasia might have been the most interesting person in this story. Girl went through it and just became a total badass. I loved her.

MARAUDER FEELINGS! MARAUDER FEELINGS! SO! MANY! MARAUDER! FEELINGS!

The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater All her life, Blue has been warned that she will cause her true love's death. She doesn't believe in true love and never thought this would be a problem, but as her life becomes caught up in the strange and sinister world of the Raven Boys, she's not so sure anymore.

— RICHARD GANSEY, MY BELOVED. What a dweeb. A self-sacrificing, sorta sad dweeb. When he wrapped his jacket around Blue, my heart exploded. I think I spent the last fifteen or so chapters with disconcertingly wide eyes and possibly my hand over my mouth. Still not entirely sure why a Welsh king was in Virginia, but I loved it. Was real glad he was there. As promised by that one book rec list I read months ago, the Marauders vibes of these books were off the charts. It was a weird story with lots of weird things and I hope Mr. Grey gets to be happy one day and that Ronan and Adam make out some more eventually. I think they’ll both feel a lot better if they do. Like, about the world as a whole. Has anyone read the Ronan spinoff series? Should I read the Ronan spinoff series?

OK, THIS WASN’T THAT BAD, ACTUALLY

To Love Jason Thorn by Ella Maise Jason Thorn... My brother's childhood friend. Oh, how stupidly in love with that boy I was. He was the first boy that made me blush, my first official crush. Sounds beautiful so far, right? That excitement that bubbles up inside you, those famous butterflies you feel for the very first time--he was the reason for them all. But, you only get to live in that fairytale world until they crush your hopes and dreams and then stomp on your heart for good measure. And boy did he crush my little heart into pieces. After the stomping part he became the boy I did my best to stay away from--and let me tell you, it was pretty hard to do when he slept in the room right across from mine. When tragedy struck his family and they moved away, I was ready to forget he ever existed. Now he is a movie star, the one who makes women of all ages go into a screaming frenzy, the one who makes everyone swoon with that dimpled smile of his. Do you think that's dreamy? I certainly don't think so. How about me coming face to face with him? Nope still not dreamy. Not when I can't even manage to look him in the eye. Me? I'm Olive, a new writer. Actually, I'm THE writer of the book that inspired the movie he is about to star in on the big screen. As of late, I am also referred to as the oh-so-very-lucky girl who is about to become the wife of Jason Thorn. Maybe you're thinking yet again that this is all so dreamy? Nope, nothing dreamy going on here. Not even close.

— Ignoring the fact that this was almost blatant self-insert, this was a mostly good, occasionally trashy book with brother’s best friend and the one who got away tropes. Which, as we know, are my life’s blood. (Plus, surprise, fake marriage that isn’t really fake?!? Ok. OK!) My only eeek moment was when Olive got super drunk and wanted Jason to like—consummate the marriage and he was like, No Olive, you’re drunk. And then they ended up doing everything except having full-on sex, which felt a little creep and a lot sketch and then it was never mentioned again. Also, Olive needs to find some better friends, God.

EMERSON COD VOICE: HE’S STAAAAAALKING YOU

Marriage For One by Ella Maise Jack and I, we did everything backward. The day he lured me into his office-which was also the first day we met-he proposed. You'd think a guy who looked like him-a bit cold maybe, but still striking and very unattainable-would only ask the love of his life to marry him, right? You'd think he must be madly in love. Nope. It was me he asked. A complete stranger who had never even heard of him. A stranger who had been dumped by her fiancé only weeks before. You'd think I'd laugh in his face, call him insane-and a few other names-then walk away as quickly as possible. Well…I did all those things except the walking away part. It took him only minutes to talk me into a business deal…erm, I mean marriage, and only days for us to officially tie the knot. Happiest day of my life. Magical. Pop the champagne… Not. It was the worst day. Jack Hawthorne was nothing like what I'd imagined for myself. I blamed him for my lapse in judgment. I blamed his eyes, the ocean blue eyes that looked straight into mine unapologetically, and that frown on his face I had no idea I would become so fascinated with in time. It wasn't long after he said I was the biggest mistake of his life that things started to change. No, he still didn't talk much, but anyone can string a few words together. His actions spoke the loudest to me. And day after day my heart started to get a mind of its own.

— Ok, ok, ok, so I enjoyed the Jason Thorn book, right? Was, like, how bad could this other book be? And it wasn’t bad, but it was patently ridiculous. Let me explain what happened. Not entirely sorry for the spoilers. Jack the lawyer sees that Rose is only going to get the space for her coffee shop from her uncle’s will if she marries someone. She WAS engaged, but the guy split. For reasons no one can understand, especially Rose. She’s sad. She’s spent so much money on espresso machines! Enter Jack the lawyer who one random afternoon is like: HEY ROSE, YOU’RE MOSTLY A STRANGER, BUT I ALSO NEED TO GET MARRIED FOR REASONS I’LL ONLY SORTA EXPLAIN, LETS DO THAT. So they do???? And Jack the lawyer continues to be kinda weird and a little shady, but Rose has got the coffee shop and things are going well. Until! She’s got a leaky brain!!! That’s not a joke. Not a typo. Out of goddamn LEFT FIELD, Rose has got some horrible medical condition, so thank God she got married because Jack the lawyer’s got great health insurance. (this is ROMANTIC) and she’s got to have an operation and he stays with her and sleeps in the hospital chair and her coffee shop is somehow still going strong??? On Madison Avenue??? What sit-down coffee shop on Madison Avenue do you guys know that would succeed? None because it’s not downtown. I digress. Anyway, Rose makes a miraculous recovery, she and Jack the lawyer are now almost in love? At least having a shit ton of sex. They’re mostly happily married. Until, part two! The ex-fiance shows up and is like JACK THE LAWYER PAID ME TO BREAK UP WITH YOU. To which Rose is understandably flabbergasted. She confronts Jack the lawyer who fesses that he’s been seriously crushing on her since they met at her uncle’s Christmas party. She doesn’t remember this. He does. BECAUSE HE’S A STALKER. So, he knew about the will stipulation with marriage BACK THEN, which is why he used FIRM RESOURCES to investigate the ex-fiance and found out he was a con man, using Rose with plans to basically steal all her money. This infuriated Jack the lawyer because he thought Rose deserved better and then proceeded to basically con her himself, just in a different way. With marriage! He told her he needed to get married to show he was a family man to make partner. THAT WAS A LIE. He didn’t need it at all. He just—wanted to marry her??? To help her??? What a psycho. She leaves. He continues to lurk outside the coffee shop. They make up. No one mentions the stalking. The end.

I KEEP GIVING HELENA SECOND CHANCES AND SHE KEEPS...NOT DESERVING THEM

All In Series by Helena Hunting Sometimes I need an escape from the demands, the puck bunnies, and the notoriety that come with being an NHL team captain. I just want to be a normal guy for a few weeks. So when I leave Chicago for some peace and quiet, the last thing I expect is for a gorgeous woman to literally fall into my lap on a flight to Alaska. Even better, she has absolutely no idea who I am.Lainey is the perfect escape from my life. My plan for seclusion becomes a monthlong sex fest punctuated with domestic bliss. But it ends just as abruptly as it began. When I’m called away on a family emergency, I realize too late that I have no way to contact Lainey.A year later, a chance encounter throws Lainey and me together again. But I still have a lie hanging over my head, and Lainey’s keeping secrets of her own. With more than lust at stake, the truth may be our game changer.

— Last year I read a hockey romance by Helena Hunting that was very cute and traditionally published and she’s got a bunch more free Amazon books that, for some reason, I keep downloading and reading and they continue to be absolutely ridiculous. That first one was a not-so-secret accidental pregnancy (as previously discussed ONE TIME without a condom mention and bam pregnant) but the second one with Rook’s sister was actually pretty cute. I’m not sure why they all called him Rook. Almost all these series have at least one book with someone recovering from an injury and they inevitably fall in love with their physical therapist. So, that one was pretty ok. None of these, however, were quite as entertaining as (wait for it) QUEENIE AND KINGSTON. WHOSE FRIENDS AND TEAMMATES ALL CALL HIM KING. QUEENIE. AND. KING. Gag. I read it anyway. At least 99% of that decision was based solely on the fact that the story started just after King found out his sister was actually his mom. How am I supposed to stop reading THAT?!? I ask you. Highlights of Queenie and King’s romance included: him calling his mom/sister MOMSTER, Queenie being secretly married this whole time, WITHOUT KNOWING IT, his strawberry allergy that flared up because she’d had a strawberry milkshake and then GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB, her dad finding out they were dating because he was the GM of the team and saw that his starting goalie was having a MASSIVE allergic reaction, Queenie’s eventual ex-husband getting engaged to someone who previously tried to self-inseminate to trap Rook into a relationship (I am not making this up, I swear) and then when he found out that his fiancee’s kid wasn’t actually his, he got into a massive fight and earned a 20-game suspension. THAT’S A QUARTER OF AN NHL SEASON. Tom Wilson got fined five thousand dollars for practically killing Artemi Panarin on the ice! I did not read the last book in this series because it was MORE ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY and because it was Queenie’s dad and King’s mom and that meant they’d share a sibling. Which is where I draw the line, guys.

THERE WERE SEVEN BOOKS IN THIS SERIES! EVERY SINGLE ONE HAD TO HAVE A SCENE WHERE THE DUDE UNDERSTOOD THAT PERIODS WERE A THING???? LIKE THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE SOMEHOW?!?!

Hot Jocks Series by Kendall Ryan I've never been so stupid in my entire life. My teammate's incredibly sweet and gorgeous younger sister should have been off-limits, but my hockey stick didn't get that memo. After our team won the championship, and plenty of alcohol, our flirting turned physical and I took her to bed. Shame sent her running the next morning from our catastrophic mistake. She thinks I don't remember that night—but every detail is burned into my brain so deeply, I’ll never forget. The feel of her in my arms, the soft whimpers of pleasure I coaxed from her perfect lips…And now I’ve spent three months trying to get her out of my head. Which has been futile, because I’m starting to understand she’s the only girl I’ll ever want. I have one shot to show her I can be exactly what she needs, but Elise won’t be easily convinced. That’s okay, because I’m good under pressure, and this time, I’m playing for keeps.

—I read all of these. All. Of. Them. They were exceptionally quick reads. Every single one had a copious amount of sex in it and a very weird, apparently required scene, where the dude had to be like I’M NOT SQUICKED OUT BY PERIODS AM I NOT THE ULTIMATE EXAMPLE OF MASCULINITY?? My favorite one was Grant and Ana’s, though, because it was so goddamn absurd I cannot believe someone wrote it. Basic gist was that Ana was dating someone on Grant’s team (he’s the captain, natch) but the guy was a dick and abusive and so one night Ana decides to leave, but she needs someone to help her and WHO DOES SHE TURN TO??? That’s right, reclusive captain Grant. Who’s spent the last few years watching his teammates marry-up and start families and he’s so jealous, but he can’t say anything because he’s a stoic MAN™. So he takes Ana and her dog (of course she’s got a dog) back to his super swanky bachelor pad and she just sort of...stays there? Video of the boyfriend accosting her at her job gets leaked and the boyfriend gets sent to the AHL which is not really how it would work, but fine. Naturally, Grant and Ana hook up. It’s emotional. Vaguely romantic. There’s no GODDAMN CONDOM. So, she gets pregnant. But, of course. Except! She doesn’t know if it’s dick boyfriend’s or Grant’s. Because he’s the male lead in a free sports romance on Amazon, Grant is the MOST understanding. He wants to help Ana. He would like to continue having sex with Ana. This is ready-made happily ever after. Only Ana’s like...eh?? She doesn’t want it to look like she bounced from one hockey player to the next, but also she sorta did and she kept telling Grant she just wanted to be friends, only to have sex, like, three chapters later. Then she just moved out! Just moved out. Seven months pregnant. Moving out. With her dog. Of course, this is a free sports romance on Amazon, so eventually she moved back in with Grant. Once she realized independence wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. And because he left practice to be there when she had the baby. Oh! And she got a DNA test after. To see whose kid it was. Grant ripped that ‘ish up. Just ripped it up. Which is cool, I guess. But, like, you didn’t want to double check? What if that kid has to go to the hospital? Did she put Grant’s name on the birth certificate? What are his parental rights?? Anyway, they’re all set to live HEA when....THE DICK BOYFRIEND DIES. Straight up. No explanation. Nothing. Just Grant tells Ana he’s dead, she’s like, oh wow that’s sad, they send some flowers to the funeral and that’s THAT. I assume this was to close any potential plot holes on the father of this baby, but it was hysterical and I cannot stop thinking about it. Strangely enough, the one where the couple made a secret sex tape in college and then got back together because it got released may have been the healthiest relationship in this series.

#book recs #book rec #book reccs #laura reads books #welllp these are books #i will not apologize for that bingo board #i think this is a highlight of accomplishments #like for me personally

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thotyssey · 6 years

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On Point With: DJ Ten Yards

Sam Branman, the DJ third of Brooklyn nightlife monster trio Str8 to DVD, is also churning out some of the skimpiest and most fashionable Speedos on the planet (among other things). Thotyssey tries to keep up with Ten Yards!

Thotyssey: DJ, hello! Thanks for chatting with us today! First of all, OMG YOU GOT HIT BY A CAR!? How exactly did this happen, and how are you?

DJ Ten Yards: It was super fucking annoying. I was actually on my way to Annie Mae, which is Laè D Boi’s party (currently first Sundays at The Rosemont) I’m the resident DJ / video curator for, and I was literally crossing the street one block from my house and a fucking pickup truck hit me from behind! I’m mostly okay--my left arm got banged up and I’m doing PT to get that back to full fighting strength. They also destroyed my laptop! The truck actually sped off after hitting me, but I found it thanks to some nosy neighbors, and I’m starting legal proceedings. I obviously didn’t make it to the party, and went to the ER instead.

Does this bring home how terrible the world and it's people can be?

I mean, everyone who saw me get hit were super nice and helpful! I’m not letting one asshole who can’t drive ruin my worldview. even if it did jack my arm up.

That's the spirit! Will you still be making it to DragCon, if that's something you were planning to do?

Absolutely! I’m lucky in that I am able to work on jewelry and I’ve been preparing for it for months, so I have a lot of apparel no one’s seen yet ready to go! I’m at table C31, and I’m there all weekend (except Saturday morning because there’s no way I’m going directly from Str8 to DVD to DragCon, which starts at 9. My husband Erik can work that alone.)

Between your designs and your DJ’ing, there's lots to talk about, so we better start right at the beginning. Where's your hometown, and what came first: fashion or music?

I grew up mostly in Olive Bridge, NY, but I just say I’m from Woodstock because it’s the closest landmark that people who aren’t from there know. Fashion came first! I loved dressing up as a child, and I started sewing what mostly resembled actual clothing when I was 18. I had decided to go to college for photography, not fashion. But I’m a big nerd, so I’d do a few cosplay projects to wear at the anime conventions I went to every summer.

Who were you cosplaying as?

My first actual cosplay was Hirai Ken from the “Pop Star” video. There’s three of him in different colored jumpsuits, and I could sort of do the hair he has in the red one! I also did a very loose Tommy February6 (we share a birthday!), invented a fake Japanese band with friends, and Ray Watts from KMFDM / PIG / Schwein. I still wear the shirt I made for that, but the jumpsuit was sacrificed last year to become Beltane ribbons, and the others just languish in my clothing labyrinth.

And when did DJing come into the picture?

I’ve always wanted to be musical, but I’m not. I tried to learn instruments, to learn how to write music. I was briefly sort of in a band or two (I even have album credits). I am, however, a collector and very opinionated... so I can DJ! My friend DJ A-Ron’s DJing partner moved away, and he offered to show me the ropes. We did a few gigs together at Nowhere back in 2013, and I struck out on my own DJing for a few now-defunct parties around Manhattan and Brooklyn. I didn’t start the drag-DJ gig until Qhrist With a Q and Sherry Poppins asked me to do what was then 1-900-HOT-GLUE two years ago!

You met Qhrist in a nerdy chat room, right?

Yep! Eightish years ago? I helped convince Qhrist to go to Purchase, too.

Good for you! What was the rationale at the time behind creating HOT GLUE, which is now STR8 to DVD?

At the beginning, I was just helping out! They wanted to make a space for themselves and the other performers coming out of Purchase, like Maxxx Pleasure, Lindsay Blowhan, and Jenn D'Role, and I was along for the ride. I didn’t initially do any production work besides promo, letting Qhrist and Sherry stay at my place, and making sure I had everyone’s music at first. But now we all do booking / coming up with names. I’ve been the one finding our newbie performers all year long, and I convinced them to change the name to STR8 to DVD.

This has become a hugely popular night, enough so to warrant a recent move from monthly Mondays to Fridays! What have been some memorable moments for you from STR8?

Every single one of Qhrist and Sherry’s stupid, perfect, beautiful, unrehearsed duets. They’re so good together that people don’t realize how unrehearsed they are. When Sherry was still getting ready at my house with Qhris, they might listen to the song once or twice to get the words down, but that’s it!

I’m also very fond of our massively overbooked Halloween show last year, when we all kept booking people and forgetting until it was too late. We wound up with 9 performers and 13 actual numbers. It was perfect. Half of them involved food, because we’re gross and live in Brooklyn.

That reminds me, I hear that pasta and fake blood were factors in a perilous Bushwig this summer!

I fully missed all of the mess, because of where my booth was at Bushswag! I couldn’t see shit. I made sure to see the performers I’d made clothes for, and my personal legends like Charlene, Untitled, Ragamuffin, Tyler Ashley, and Chutney Spears with that fucking snake.

Gurl, that snake! So STR8 is turning 2 this Friday at Gold Sounds ... what's in store for the anniversary?

STUPIDITY! I’m glad we’re leaning into being irredeemable and canceled. Qhrist already has to redo the flyer because one performer canceled, we forgot we booked one performer, and Lindsay Blowhan is coming all the way up from Virginia for it, and we should probably have her perform? I guess? It’s not like she’s Sherry’s daughter and performed at our first, like, six shows or anything.

We’ve got Sandy Devastation who made her debut at STR8 to DVD, Papusa Smear who made their debut with us, and Kaey Kiel, a nice cabaret singer and journalist from Berlin who doesn’t deserve to deal with any of this! She’s staying with my husband and her dream is to perform in New York, so we’re making all her dreams come true.

Another monthly (third Saturdays, in this case) you've been DJing, Emi Grate's “A+: The Asian Revue,” has also recently had it's own (1st) anniversary, and has moved to The Monster in the West Village. What has it been like, being a part of that?

It’s super fun! Emi is so fucking on top of every detail. She sends out a multi-page email with every piece of information you could ever want, she has the lineup a month in advance sometimes, and the show is at a reasonable hour! Never underestimate how great it is to leave the gig at 10pm and still be able to go out afterwards... or even just go home, have dinner, and go to bed. Because of the way Gold Sounds is set up, I don’t actually do much DJ work if there aren’t drag queens on stage. But with A+ (and Annie Mae), I spend a significant amount of time actually DJing. That’s always fun. For both those shows, I play exclusively Jpop and Kpop (and would happily take suggestions for fun pop and dance music from throughout Asia! A cute boy suggested some Hindi pop songs at the most recent A+)

And the next “Annie Mae” is October 7 at the Rosemont! That's a super geeky celebration of genre fan culture that Laé D. Boi produces. That must be right up your ally!

It is! I always choose anime movies or TV shows to screen during the party on top of DJing! This month the theme is Studio Ghibli, so I think I’m gonna be playing Princess Mononoke, Kiki’s Delivery Service, and either Pompoko or Lupin III: Castle of Cagliostro. I’m pretty sure Sherry Poppins will bring one of her swords, too.

So, your Ten Yards clothing line is all the rage! The sexy and colorful speedos are especially in demand! How did this come about?

I wanted to make bathing suits--made a few for myself. And then it felt like suddenly people started asking me to make them suits, and now here I am! A local bathing suit mogul. It’s been over four years, and all it took was saying “Sure, I can do that.” and then figuring it out.

How long does it take you to make a speedo now?

My first few took time, but I’m a fucking wizard now. Obviously with my arm it’s hard right now, but I can make a speedo from start to finish in about 35 minutes. Jockstraps are 27 minutes if I go at full speed!

And now you’re bringing us jewelry as well!

You can thank my mom for the jewelry! She made it all in the 80’s and early 90’s. I’m just the refurbishing squad. I’m actually photographing it right now, so I have a record of it, because most of it’s totally unique and once it is gone, it’s gone.

And much-belated congratulations on having your Fashions nominated for a Brooklyn Nightlife Award a few months back.

It was amazing to be nominated, and I knew I would lose to Florence or Diego because they’re both powerhouses! Luckily, Florence moved to Manhattan, so I have an entire year to snatch that brick from Diego’s beautiful and talented hands.

Another thing to congratulate you on: being happily married! That may sound trite, but finding true love in the nightlife biz is damn hard. What’s your secret?

So, part of it is that we don’t live together, so I’m usually not disturbing him when I come home at 4am. And when we have problems, we talk it out! Erik’s also a lovely angel who supports me no matter what. He helps out whenever I have to sell shit, and buys fabric and zippers even if it makes him nervous. But he has a day job, so he’s only been able to come to three of my gigs in the five and a half years we’ve been together.

I also wasn’t working in nightlife when we met! That probably helps, too. He’s been there every step of the way as I’ve made the switch into nightlife and fashion design.

Okay, do you have anything else you wanna plug or discuss before I ask the closer?

Nah, just a schedule recap for people who get lost in my rambling! STR8 To DVD: CANCELED is at Gold Sounds (44 Wilson Ave) on 9/28, we have shows at Midnight, and it costs $5-10. I’ll be at table C31 during DragCon (that’s the 28-30th at the Javits, ugh), Annie Mae: Ghibli is at The Rosemont on 10/07, and is free, I’ll be there at 10:30 to start the movies! See you there!

Finally: who would you really love to see in one of your speedos?

Anyone who wants a pair! But I wouldn’t say no to some Instagram thots with 30k+ followers, so long as they tag me.

Thanks, Ten!

Check Thotyssey’s calendar for DJ Ten Yards’ upcoming gigs, and follow him on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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things2mustdo · 4 years

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The video game industry and culture changed substantially when women started to get involved. Whenever a successful male industry is created, a biological urge to change it comes from those with two X chromosomes. Here are e three ways that women have ruined gaming culture:

1. Inclusiveness

The videogame culture of the 70’s – 00’s was about making fun games to sell to consumers. This could mean controlling Bill and Lance from “Contra” to Duke in “Duke Nukem.” You bought video games that appealed to you and didn’t support the ones you didn’t like. Women don’t understand this basic formula. They would rather screech about a game not including a strong female role model than actually make a video game with a strong female role model.

A female Youtuber named Anita Sarkeesian used this premise to rally for more feminist narratives. A normal alpha would use Kickstarter to make a high budget game that appeals to them. Anita instead spent time begging on Kickstarter and used it to raise over $150,000 dollars to make snarky videos on an iMac. Females always want to be inclusive without putting in the work themselves. One example is this fat lady named Heidi.

This is an example of a woman who wants to write a poly-amorous love triangle in video games instead of working on a new physics engine. It’s also not surprising that she’s a fat single mother with a useless degree. If we had this chick developing games instead of Shigeru Miyamato, Mario would be a transgender Eskimo amputee and he would beat up racist men instead of saving the princess. It would also mean that video game companies would go out of business. Since the type of feminists the “social justice” games would be marketed to rarely support businesses that aren’t clothing, decadent food and media publications. In the big scheme of things, video-game companies need talented men to produce content that would be used to subsidize feminist outreach programs made by the same companies. Every time you see a conference or panel at a convention hosted by a video-game company about getting more women into the industry, you know that these wouldn’t even be possible without Joe Nerd spending 16 hours a day, 7 days a week unknowingly subsidizing it. Women want to be involved in things but don’t want to do the actual work to do so.

2. Video Game Journalism

Women and beta males have made video game journalism an entry point for dilettantes with humanity majors. Most major publications like Kotaku, Gawker, IGN, and Gamespot rather complain about how “sexist” GTA is than write actual meaningful game content. Video game publications have turned into tabloids with female writers at the helm. Most people can’t name a female game journalist because they coast on their male colleagues who do the actual work.

You’ll never have a Louis Theroux in the video game industry because women who work in the industry would bitch about inquisitive questions. They would rather write about some dumb ass model dressed up as a video-game character than something substantive.

3. Gamer Girls

The last part of this trifecta of regression is the culture of gaming brought in by women. The beta males of video gaming culture are the thirstiest betas in existence. When a former porn star can make more money by streaming video games for donations instead taking a fat dick, you know there has to be betas behind that.

You go to any Youtube channel about gaming and it will have a useless pretty chick talking about her experiences with Pokemon as a child. These women are not actual gamers but women riding a fad. They’re called “Gamer Gurls” for the reason to mock the gurl phrase that feminists like to use. These semi-attractive chicks have learned that they can get the princess treatment by pretending to be a video game enthusiast. Also another type of chick started to pop up. These women though don’t have the facade of being attractive. Instead they use videogames to up their social status. The land whales realized that if they could fake their enthusiasm for games, some video game beta would find them attractive as well. The betas fight over these chicks and since they’re all manginas of the highest degree. This is one of the reasons that betaness and even omeganess are the norms in video game culture.

Because of these reasons, video games have declined since their great rise in the 70’s-00’s. Girl gamers and their beta male hangers-on rather buy Call of Duty than support quality products. Don’t let women in to your sub-culture unless you want it permanently disfigured. Too bad they already did it to my favorite sub-culture.

https://www.returnofkings.com/12615/5-things-i-learned-from-call-of-duty

5 THINGS I LEARNED FROM CALL OF DUTY

WESTERN CANCER

I played a lot of video games growing up; not as much as those weird neck-bearded kids who play WoW, but enough to learn just how much time one can waste playing them. After I got home from school I’d grab a snack and sit my ass on the couch and start playing until dinner. I’d go to friends houses on weekends and play games and when a new game came out I’d play it tirelessly until I beat it. Fifteen hours a week isn’t all that much when you’re a teenager; school is easy and you have no reason to be doing anything else, but the older I get the more I realize how much of a time-sink it was. However, there are a few important lessons I learned from playing all those hours.

1. There are complainers…

Most guys who play CoD either talk shit about how they fucked your mother or they just keep silent. The rest are those who bitch and moan about every little detail. They’re the guys who complain you’re ‘hacking,’ playing unfairly, or using a loadout that gives you an advantage. They’re the sore losers and you encounter them in the real world all the time. In the real world those same guys whine about following the rules because they are scared of stepping out of line, they are the people who believe everyone needs to be brought to the same level lest one be left out. The best way I’ve found to deal with them is just ignore them. Ignore those who complain about perceived problems the same way you would ignore some 13 year old kid whining how using RPGs aren’t fair.

2. …and then there are those who find patterns.

On the more extreme end of things there are those who learn patterns and exploit them. They’re the guys who learn spawning patterns, optimized loadouts, good sniping positions and so on. They put in serious time to get good at the game, they also know they have to do more than learn the game to get good at the game. In the time it takes them to master the theoretical or detail oriented parts of the game their motor skills have increased as well. These guys are like us. We improve our social skills, appearance, and confidence as well as exploiting the current system in order to get better at the game of life.

3. The importance of competition

Competition is at the core of our masculinity, without it we are just participating in existence. Call of Duty is the most immediate form of competition I have come across and I never realized its importance until the first powerlifting meet I competed in. At the meet adrenaline coursed through my veins between attempts and although I cheered others on I felt a burning desire to lift as much as I damn could to prove myself better than the rest. While you may only be competing against half-literate, drugged out teenagers playing Call of Duty, you still get that same rush when trying to annihilate the other team. Even while relaxing with friends, having a few beers and playing CoD you want to beat their score. You want to be the best.

4. The average man sucks

The last CoD game I played regularly was the first Black Ops game. There was an option to look at another player’s scorecard. This scorecard showed their kill/death ratio, win/loss ratio, and every other imaginable metric of success. In this data was hours played. Between matches I’d always look at the opposition’s scorecard and 9 times out of 10 the dude had fucking terrible stats. I would regularly see players who played hundreds of hours yet still died more than they killed. Even though most guys play CoD to relax they’re still fucking terrible and aren’t any better than when they started. Same goes in the real world. Most men you meet will be extremely average, and as we all know average never got anyone anywhere. You reconnect with a friend 5 years down the line and his accomplishments include: having a mortgage, being in debt, becoming overweight, and maybe driving a new car.

5. People will do anything if given the right rewards

Video game developers are crafty sons of bitches, like social media mavens they sell instant gratification. When you think about it a game like Call of Duty is extremely boring and repetitive. Each game is 10-15 minutes long and you do the exact same thing each time, something has to keep you coming back. While much of the draw can be attributed to the thrill of competition and success there is another factor: the instant gratification of rewards. The first few hours you play Call of Duty you’re assaulted with various medals, ribbons, unlocks and upgrades. You get a medal for 5 kills, then 50, then 500. You get sucked in from the start and desire the hardest to get rewards. As in the real world people will perform the same mindless action day in, day out given enough monetary or emotional compensation.

I still play from time to time. Its nice to do nothing but move your thumbs for an hour, but no man should spend the majority of his precious free time doing something so unproductive as playing video games. One of my biggest regrets from being a teenager was spending much of my time alone playing games when I could have been out doing something interesting, or in the very least reading books. However I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned. I know now to ignore those who complain and instead of complaining myself I seek out ways to overcome obstacles and get better. I know now how easily average people can be manipulated into doing mindless things if they are sufficiently compensated. Most importantly I know the importance of competition in masculine development.

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commentaryonhowwelive · 4 years

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December, 2011. Age 19. (Fear of the Unknown)

Phase 1

I hadn’t spent any time with her all this semester. Not because I wasn’t available. In fact, I was home from college every weekend because I passionately hated living in Orlando. I hated being in my college apartment. I hated the lack of privacy, the compression on my mind. I think I just hate apartments in general. Maybe I’m just spoiled having grown up in a house by the beach.

Anyways, she was away at college up north and even though we had crushes on each other in high school (at least I thought we did) we didn’t talk much while she was gone.

I shot her a text.

“Hello Sallie, would you like to grace me with your presence?” I waited. She responded.

“Paul! How are you?! Yes. Want to longboard?”

I was at her house 10 minutes later. 10 minutes after that, we were cruising down Riverside Drive on our longboards talking about the past semester.

“I’ve hated it. I have to confess, I come back a lot to surf.”

“How can you hate Orlando so much? There’s so much to do there.”

I did a little move on my board to show off then replied, “Everything there costs money. I just want to surf and play drums and hang out beachside. I feel so trapped in Orlando. Everything’s fake. I can’t even skate without being scared of being hit by a car, there’s so much traffic,” I spoke as I took up the entirety of the empty beach side road.

“I’m just happy to get away from this town. I loved growing up here, don’t get me wrong, but it’s time to like..you know..I guess…move on?”

I opened my mouth to respond but felt guilty for confessing that I wasn’t ready to leave yet since it seemed like her ship has already sailed. I closed my mouth and pushed against the ground. She continued, “I like being here now though. It’s like a breath of fresh air.”

I rode her compliment on our hometown, “Exactly! That’s how I feel every time I come home from Orlando. The second I cross the causeway it’s just like ‘ahhhh’”.

Truth is, I didn’t come back just a lot. I came home every weekend, and sometimes during the week too for a day or so. If I didn’t, I felt like I’d go insane. I was terrified of living alone. I felt incompetent all the time, unable to justify any of my day to day actions. My family lived an hour away, but it might as well had been across the world. When I’m in Orlando, all I could think about is going home. The crowds, the flagrant uncaring attitude of so many students here, the facade in front of every interaction or sight. If you want to go to the pet store, you can’t go to the little mom & pop pet shop down the street, you have to go to TONY’S ANIMATORIUM EMPORIUM. Where’s the realness? Where’s the people just making it work without having to put on a name tag and a face every day? I’d see an old man riding his bike in Orlando and think DUI. I’d see an old man riding his bike beachside and I think happy and retired.

“Well, I have to bring things to goodwill and I want to get a Christmas tree. Want to join me for beachside adventures?” She asked turning back down her street.

“You bet your sweet booty I do.”

I was smooth with the ladies. Or at least I like to think I would be. I’ve never even kissed a girl. Maybe it’s the anxiety, but I imagine it’s more because I’m just looking for a relationship that means something before I make that connection with someone. Hook up culture drives me up a wall. Just like Orlando does. I hate it, it’s dirty. I want a girl that I care about, who cares about me.

We kept joking that we were like a newly wed couple and I secretly loved it. I loved the idea of getting a Christmas tree with a girl for our cute little Florida home. Stuffing it into our old beat up car, making it work. I hadn’t ever had a girlfriend so it was such a great feeling being out and about doing something like this. I felt like she was just so great, until our conversation on the way home with the Christmas tree top sticking out of the back window.

“Oh my gosh and we were at this party getting drunk and John brought some weed, so we went around the back and smoked it.”

I got a tingling sensation down my spine and wasn’t sure what to say. “Oh, you smoke now?”, was all I could think to say.

“I mean, not really. It’s not like I’m always like ‘hey all, let’s all go get high!’, but if someone has weed, I’ll smoke it. I mean, why not? Anyways, I just remember being in his neighbor’s yard afterwards and for some reason the lamp post with the wreath on it was so funny, we just could not stop laughing…” she trailed off into her story about being high at a party but I had lost any and all interest in the remainder of the story. She smoked pot and that was that. There was no going back. It was such a let down, I thought maybe we’d spark something when she texted me back a few hours ago, but at this point, I didn’t even care any more.

When she finished her story the car was silent for a minute until I got a text from Tyler.

“Whattup dude I just got off work, let’s rage”

“Hey Tyler just texted me, want him to come over too?” I asked hoping she’d say no, even though I wasn’t interested in her anymore now that I know she smokes weed.

“That sounds great! I haven’t seen him in forever. I think since Founders day in May? Wow it’s been too long. Yeah invite him over!”

“If by rage you mean coming over to Sallie’s house and maybe walking to the park or something, yes, let’s rage.” I responded.

---------

I was trying to brush off the fact that she started smoking and drinking, but it was so hard. I just couldn’t understand what any of that even leads to, how it can be any more ‘fun’ than anything else? I had so much fun surfing, and what do I get when it’s over? An excellent natural connection to the world, a great work out, and a clear head. What do you get when you’re done drinking and smoking weed? A hangover, less money, and the very real possibility of having made poor choices while you were under the influence. They call it dope for a reason. I want connections to be real, not hidden behind an inhibited prefrontal cortex thanks to alcohol. I wanted life to be real, genuine, authentic.

We set up the Christmas tree and jokingly took a picture of us holding hands in front of it. I got another tingling feeling when we held hands, similar to when she told me that she had smoked weed, but this one was a good tingling feeling. She didn’t have a lot of ornaments, so we put up what we had, then wrapped it with red streamer that we found in her mom’s room. As we were looking at the pictures on her phone, Tyler let himself in through the front door.

We sat on the couch for a few minutes while Tyler and Sallie caught up. We had all gone to a small high school together so she knew him well. He talked about how he hates community college, how he hates his job, and how he hates his parents who are cops. She talked about how she loves north Florida, loves her program, and loves weed now. I guess that was how she figured she could create a good middle ground between the two of them, talking about her love for weed right in front of me after I insinuated my disdain for it in the car without actually saying it out loud. Such is life.

After about a half hour and a few moments of silence that were slightly longer than comfortable, Tyler started complaining, “Dude I’m bored. Let’s go do something.”

“Oh my gosh, one time my friends and I were super high…” Sallie started, and I began to think that she smoked quite a bit more than she previously said, “…my friends and I went to the graveyard across the street from campus with an EVP reader we got from the lab and went ghost hunting. You guys want to go to the graveyard?”

Tyler jumped at the opportunity to wreak havoc in a public space at night. “Let’s do it!”, he bolted out the door without his keys.

“I guess I’m driving”, I said and walked out last.

“Tyler is talking right out of his ass right now”, I thought as he went on and on about how I never do anything fun and I just run and read like a “nerd”. I was trying to remember why I considered him my best friend as he started talking about all the crazy parties he goes to.

“Fireball is definitely my favorite. But that’s as far as I go into whiskeys. I much prefer just slamming an 18 pack of Miller with some bros,” Tyler bragged.

“Ugh, I had fireball one time at a party and I nearly gagged. I usually just mix rum with a LOT of coke so I don’t taste it,” She responded.

“If you don’t want to taste it, why do you even drink it?” I asked her.

Before she could answer, Tyler cut in “See, this is why I can’t talk about this kind of stuff openly with Paul, he just shoots me down all the time.”

“I don’t shoot you down all the time…wait, actually yeah I guess I do”, I fessed up.

“I already have one dad,” he started going off, “and then I’ve got Paul over here trying to be a second asshole father figure when I can make my own damn choices. If I want to split an 18 pack with my buddy then go drive around some back roads and pull some donuts, that’s my own damn business. I ain’t hurtin’ anyone am I?”

“Well if you’re driving drunk, then yes, you absolutely can hurt someone”, I shot back in a pompous manner.

“There he goes again. Jesus dude, you need to lighten up and have a beer or five.”

Sallie laughed and I felt embarrassed. Here I was trying to have a nice night with Sallie, then I offer to invite Tyler and he just comes in and shits all over me in front of her. I was getting really upset with him.

“Look man, I’m a camp counselor and I’m just trying to be a positive role model. I don’t see a reason not to be. Can we just drop it then?”

“Yes dad,” Tyler replied. I wasn’t amused.

We pulled into the graveyard but upon realizing how cold it was outside, especially for us Floridians, we decided to just drive around instead. I wanted to lighten up the situation a bit since it had gotten a bit tense driving over.

Speaking to Tyler, I said “hey, I dare you to run across the graveyard alone,” once we reached the far end of the two acre lot.

“What’s in it for me?”

“I don’t know. It’ll be funny and you’ll be cool,” I said laughing, though he seemed to take the statement at face value.

“Sure means a lot coming from you,” he shot back, “stop the car.”

I kicked the gear into neutral and applied the brake. He jumped out before the car even stopped rolling and started running towards the gates, slamming the door behind him, probably shaking the coffins six feet below us. We watched his dark figure flying between the graves, launching himself off of the small ones. I shook my head and started driving back towards the front.

“Sorry if I sound like a smug ass hole. It’s kind of hard to not sound like one with Tyler in this kind of mood.”

“Yeah, I don’t know…” Was all she had time to say before Tyler got back in.

I brought it up again in the car how I’m just trying to do the right thing, but I don’t mean to sound like a smug dick.

“Yeah, you are dude”, he said immediately, pouncing at the opportunity to cut me down. I didn’t know whether he was trying to impress Sallie that night, but I no longer wanted to be around anyone. I wanted to drop them off at Sallie’s house and go home. Just as I started to feel this way, he seemed to have a small tinge of guilt in his words.

“You know I just can’t help it, I’m a dick all the time too,”

I’ll take it.

He continued, “It’s like a perpetuating cycle. I’m a dick to people then they’re mean to me, then I have a reason to keep being a dick to them.” His little bit of self revelation didn’t really change my attitude about how I felt. I still wanted to go home.

Then his tone changed. “But really, I’m 19 years old. In the eyes of the law, I am a fucking adult. If I want to finish an 18-pack by myself, punch a dude in the face, and nail a random girl from the bar, who the fuck cares?”

I was cringing as he spoke, what he was saying didn’t even make chronological sense. How does one finish an 18-pack then go to a bar and pick up a girl when you’re only 19? He continued… “My parents think that just because they’re cops they can keep me on a leash goddamnit. They’re so annoying. I can’t wait to move out.

The rest of the car ride was filled with talk of the weather and classes we were all taking next semester. When we got back to the house, Tyler got out and went inside without saying a word, he walked by us as we approached the front door with his car keys and got into his car. He gave us a little salute and drove away.

“You outta here bro?” I asked, trying to deescalate the tension in their air before he left.

“Yeah. See ya.”

His music shook all the houses as he drove down the road and out of sight.

“What’s wrong with him?” Sallie asked uncomfortably as we walked inside and shut the door behind us. I could tell she wanted to be alone as much as I did after that little fiasco that I felt Tyler created out of thin air, so I just shrugged and said “No idea, I think I’m gonna head home though.”

I gave her a hug and went to walk out, but she stopped me at the door.

“Hey,”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t be a stranger. I’m here tomorrow morning before I leave to go back to school in the afternoon if you want to get together for coffee?”

“I have church,” I responded and walked out.

How was I supposed to respond? Do I just sit there and listen to him? I recognize him as my single best friend, but is a best friend supposed to just sit back and watch their best friend do all sorts of stupid shit and not say anything about it? Especially when he’s really only hurting himself. His grades could definitely be better, and I’d be hard pressed to believe that all his drinking is doing anything but hurting his school work. His parents are tight on him not because they’re cops, but because he can’t control himself. I said to him that night “be the change you want to see in the world” and he bombarded me with cynical remarks like “one person can’t change the fucking world”. I’ll say religious things to him and he just responds with things like “Jesus hasn’t helped me at all recently”. As fun as that kid is, I need better people in my life. I’m not learning ANYTHING from him besides how to not act. Jason, the pastor at the church I’ve been going to with my family, said that you need to surround yourself with people who are wiser than you or else you’ll never grow wiser yourself. I like to think that I’m the one that is wiser than Tyler and that I’m making a positive effect on his life even if he doesn’t acknowledge it. I try to show him the light of taking things easy, not getting so upset about things, and making better decisions, but he doesn’t seem to give a single care about wanting to learn any of that. Until he can figure that out though, I don’t think I want to hang out with him as much anymore.

I just feel like a smug prick when I surround myself with people who drink, smoke, have sex, and make poor decisions. Maybe I should find new friends, because I don’t want to sound like a smug prick, but it’s inevitable when I’m around these kinds of people. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that I can be 100% myself and enjoy life with. I guess that’s what you’re supposed to look for in a wife.

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acrownofblueroses · 8 years

Text

Klance Fic Recs, AU Settings I

Okay so I might end up making multiple parts for AU settings. This one contains mostly occupational/hobby/setting AU stuff. So unless an AU fic prominently featured a certain element, it’ll go on another list. So there are some College AUs, 2 Soulmate AUs, and maybe a few others.

SPORTS

Olympians house on fire by ilgaksu When Lance McClain is eighteen, he qualifies for the Olympics.

When he's nineteen, he meets Keith.

Correlation does not mean cause, until it totally does.

your love is bright as ever by aknightley (gymnast!Keith, swimmer!Lance) A brief interlude in the future of the Olympic AU, Christmas with Keith and Lance and their cats.

"This always looks easier in those made for television movies," Keith tells Blue, who rolls over and out of his lap, chasing her own bits of tinsel.

In It To Win It by Lucy_Claire One of two things was happening right now, either Lance was having a heart attack on of the biggest day of his life, or he had just laid eyes on his Soulmate. _______

Competitive swimmer Lance McClain feels his Timer counting down right when he's about to jump in the water and finish up his race. He's faced with two choices in this moment: Continue the race and miss meeting his Soulmate at their fateful time or abandon his life's work for someone he never met.Lance makes his choice and has to suffer the consequence of never getting back what he missed out on. Or does he?

Swimmers Ocean Eyes by spacezuko Lance himself doesn't even believe in his own abilities. He is drowning in his own pool of desire to be everything that he claims he is. Everything that he wants to be. Keith wonders if he’s broken Lance because he doesn't say a word, his eyes filled with something opaque that Keith can't quite pinpoint the meaning of. Lance’s eyes are a deep blue. Not the typical morning sky blue, but the kind of ocean blue one wants to drown in.

With legs like these by Queerswimming In which Lance finds out that there's a pool in the castle and challenges Keith to a race.

Lance did NOT think this through. Because not a single thing in this universe could’ve prepare him for the sight of Keith in nothing but a red pair of swimming trunks.

Keith has one arm bend behind his head and stretches it with the other. His back arches beautifully, presenting Lance a perfect view of his well-defined torso. At least the last thing Lance sees right before he dies are those ripped abs.

Football Mistakes were made by Lynn1998 Lance can't stand the captain of the football team…so why is he having sex with him? Part 1 of skinny band nerd takes it up the ass from the beefcake football captain series

Ice Skating/Hockey On Thin Ice (WIP) by Minadora Once upon a time, two Canadian nerds decided to start a figure skating au about their two space sons and their wonderful misfit friends. Ten pages of headcanons later we finally put electronic pen to electronic paper and created this monstrosity.

This multi-chapter fic chronicles the lives of a hockey player named Keith who gets forcibly enlisted into figure skating lessons by his brother, Shiro, to "work on his footwork". There he meets a pompous - yet talented - figure skater named Lance and gets swept away by both the sport and the skater.Enjoy the ride because it's only just started.

Kiss My Ice (WIP) by delictor Lance hasn't skated in a year since the accident that cost him the Olympics. Keith can't skate for shit but that doesn't stop him from catching Lance's attention, even when he can't so much as stand up after falling on the ice.

'When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.'

“Soon as we're off this ice you're dead.” Keith's threat is an empty one and he knows Lance can tell by the way he laughs at it. “Serious question though, do you not know who I am?” Lance questions. “Should I?” “No, I guess not.” Lance shrugs. “I'm gonna twirl you, okay?” “No, no don't—wait!” Keith cries out as he's suddenly viewing the entire arena and his legs go rigid before colliding into Lance's chest, his chest rising and falling with laughter, hands gripping Keith's upper arms gently. “Put me back on land.” “Technically, we are on land.” “We're on frozen water, get me off it.”

Quidditch (Non Hogwarts AU) The Marks We Make (WIP) by wittyy_name Lance McClain constantly dreams of the day he'll finally meet his mysterious soulmate. They don't say much, if anything at all, but they leave him with gorgeous paintings temporarily tattooing his skin. It's not exactly the situation he hoped for, but when he feels the connection between them, he can't bring himself to resent them. As much as he wishes his soulmate would just talk to him, he's resigned himself to being patient. In the meantime, he has a loving family and good friends to help him get by.

Keith Kogane dreads the day he'll finally meet his obnoxious soulmate. He's just an art student who's struggling to find his place in the world. There's so much he hasn't been able to control in his life, and the thought of having a soulmate, just another thing in his life which he also has no control over yet can't do anything about, is a little terrifying. So he ignores the words that occasionally appear on his skin. He has other things to focus on: like being a new student at a big university where his childhood friend and step-brother go.

Surfers (mostly surfer!Lance) Should I Stand Up on Fear (And Tell You How I Feel?) by Lulatic “So, it’s really a good thing that Lance got distracted before he dragged you out there with him,” Hunk chuckled. “I guess flirting became more important than your guys’ rivalry.’

Keith blushed again, looking away with a huff. “Yeah, whatever. He’ll probably be distracted long enough that I can go back to the Castle before he decides I need some surfing lessons.”

Pidge laughed, that kind of cheeky giggle that made Keith and Hunk look over at them with wide eyes. Pidge raised a single eyebrow at Keith, grinning mischievously. “Oh, but you won’t be going back to the Castle any time soon, now will you? Not when Lance is out there, soaking wet, wearing nothing but a pair of swimming trunks.”

Pride Tide by lemoninagin He’d stared up, watched the differing patches of sunlight play the most stunning array of colored patterns across Keith’s pale face as he grinned mischievously over him. Time slowed, his own breathing became laboured and caught in his throat.

“You can teach me, right?” Keith had asked in a shyer voice than usual, brushing the tangled mess of his windswept hair away from his eyes and cocking his head towards the boards.

Save his smile by Queerswimming Keith wants to protect Lance's smile and finds his answer at the beach. Starring an awkward Keith, Surfer Lance and Hunk playing a giant ice berg.

Lance caresses the wood gently. His eyes turn soft as he speaks. “My big brother taught me how to build a board.” He laughs softly. “I always messed it up though. I wasn't patient enough to do it right." He taps on the wood and looks at Keith with a sad smile that knocks the breath out of Keith lungs.

“Who would have thought that I would build a surf board in space though.”

He laughs at that but Keith can tell that Lance is faking it. He always can.

Roller Derby Like Devo by surveycorpsjean As rival jammers, they're rough, skating around the rink, giving bruises, bloody noses, broken ribs and snapped fingers-

But when the cops show up, Keith grabs his hand and yanks Lance into the storm drain.

And thats how they start dating.

Streetracing Purple Lamborghini by warschach “I need you to focus on this race. No more hate flirting with Keith as much as I enjoy it. I like winning more.”

He scoffed, “I don’t flirt.”

“Then stop saying you’re going to teach him how to ride.”

“I was talking about driving. Duh,” Lance countered with an attitude mastered purely by Valley girls and entitled customers.

“Yea, Lance it doesn’t come off like that at all. It sounds like you’re gonna fuck him.”

“I’m not.”

ARTISTS (also including Musicians and Modeling)

Photographer Pretty Boy by MilkTeaMiku (photographer!Keith) A pretty Spanish boy shoves a bouquet of flowers under his nose and tells him to stop and smell the roses, so Keith does.

Roommates by manamune (photographer!Lance, artist!Keith) (13:24) Lance: Thank you!! Love you, Keith!!!

(13:55) Keith: I’m screenshotting that for the next time you deny it.

Sight for Sore Eyes by writewild Photographer!Lance's deadline for the magazine he works on the side for is coming up really soon, and has to search last-minute photo opportunities soon. One boy catches his eye.

Riptide by songsofthespring (photographer!keith, surfer!Lance) Keith fumbles with the camera around his neck and lines up a shot. The boy coasting down a wave, one hand kissing the water. Keith zooms in as far as his lens will allow him. Droplets frame the boy’s brown skin and cling to his hair and chest. His eyes, little pinpricks of light from this distance, are nevertheless still recognizably as bright as the ocean itself. It looks like he could be dancing when he rides a wave; every part of his lanky frame seems to merge with the board and the ocean beneath him.

He’s beautiful.

Foreign Scenes by bwyn Lance has been dreaming of travelling since the first time he heard stories from his family as a child. Now, having finally the time and money to do it, he goes on a trip to Europe to see some of the most culturally rich cities on the continent. Except he keeps bumping into the same guy over and over again, in random cities, doing stupid shit, and ultimately dragging Lance into his trouble, too.

Basically an AU in which Lance and Keith become impromptu travel buddies and get into trouble.

Artist 7 Days to Fall For You by saiikavon (artist!Keith, ballerina!Lance)

Keith is an art student who mostly keeps to himself, taking note of the beauty in life but keeping his distance from it. This includes the beautiful dancer he sees across the street from his apartment...until a week-long art project pushes him to change that.

(For Klance Secret Santa 2016)

And Now You’re Mine (WIP) by Samyx914 (some artist!Keith) “No, really. I’ve been thinking about that movie since I got up and that’s the only copy they have and I want it.”

“But, I was faster.”

“But, I want to watch it.” The stranger laughs.

“Well, you could always come home with me to watch it.” He says with a wink.

“Okay.” The stranger’s eyes widen. What the fuck, Keith? No. You don’t go home with strangers… Anymore.

In which Keith wants to watch a movie, so he goes to find it at Walmart. When there's only one copy left and someone else picks it up first, his only option is to go home with a stranger. Keith didn't count on this stranger being so easy to fall for.

Visions by becca2793 "It’s funny, because as a tattoo artist he makes art that lasts pretty much forever – as far as the person who has it is concerned – but a street artist…their art lasts maybe a couple of days."

Keith comes in for a tattoo; Lance immediately falls in love. With his art. His love for Keith comes later.

Take the Easel Way Out by svensationalist Oh no, he’s hot, Lance thinks while he’s dying.

(Pidge elbows Lance sharply a little while later. “You’re not dying, dumbass,” they whisper. “Pay attention, the pose started.”)

***

Written for klanceweek day 1, “Red/Blue”. Art class AU where Lance can’t focus because one of the new life drawing models is too attractive.

Cute as Fcuk by anonymouschupacabra Even though he had never seen the hot guy before in the year that he'd been going to college, it was like the dam had broken, because Lance saw him everywhere. From the sculpture rooms, to the library, to the cafeteria, the guy was everywhere Lance was, and it only made it that much harder to ignore the hot buzzing he felt inside every time he saw him.

Dancers 7 Days to Fall For You by saiikavon (ballerina!Lance) see above ^

i bet you look good on the dance floor by xShieru "So like in 'Step Up'?" Allura shrugs. "Now that you put it like that - yes. I guess it's just like in 'Step Up'." The smile that she sends Shiro's way - followed by a shy wave, eugh - is sickening to say the least, and Lance still doesn't believe in dance camps

Lance McClain's dancing career begins and ends with Keith.

Keith just wants to find out what Lance's deal is.

you raise me up by rhapsodyinpink “What, you don’t think I look like Patrick Swayze?”

Keith snickers. “Absolutely not. You are Jennifer Grey in this situation.”

“That’s a fair point. Nobody puts me in a corner,” replies Lance, nodding seriously, before his expression turns mischievous.

“So then...are you saying you want to call me Baby?”

Keith flushes red, but stands his ground as he leans in closer. “Are you saying you want me to?”

Shut Up and Dance With Me (WIP) by wittyy_name Lance and his friends have been regulars at the Altea Dance Studio for years. Not just for classes, but to hang out, practice, and spend time with good people who love dancing. Every year, they audition to be one of the few representing Altea at the regional dance competition. Lance always auditions solo, but this year he misses out on auditions and blows his chance to participate. And so does his self-proclaimed rival, Keith.

Luckily, Shiro comes up with a brilliant plan: convince Lance and Keith to audition as a duo.

With a little convincing, and a lot of effort, these two might just be able to pull it off and go to regionals... or they might crash and burn.

Musicians That Would Be Alright by icedsonder And call it spur of the moment, his exacerbated pining over past few months, or even his own alcohol impaired judgment, but Keith let his inhibitions take a backseat as he took a step forward and pressed his forehead against Lance’s to sing his next lines.

"I know I'll fall in love with you, baby"

Musically Insane by myparadisepalace It had only taken Lance three days after becoming the blue paladin to realize there were no instruments in the castle. And even if there were, Lance figured they’d be too obscure and strange for him to be able to play.

PROFESSIONS (i.e. cops, doctors, EMTs, waiters)

Soldiers/Assassins/Spies Counting in Code by DLanaDHZ There was no one better in the field. The Voltron Force was efficient and deadly, and they took no new recruits. They were hand-picked, and though they didn't always get along, they were family. Under the stress of a mission, the team counted each other as a way to calm down and focus. But Keith couldn't count, because counting meant he knew where everyone was, and right now all he had was a pair of bloody dog tags in place of his partner.

blink if you want me by xShieru He wakes up to Pidge’s face hovering above him. “You gotta stop running into him like this.” “Dude, he fucking shot me.” “I know. We saw.”

A hitmen AU wherein two thirsty assholes fall for each other and then jeopardize their respective missions because of it.

Retail/Food (waiters/cashiers/clerks) Melt With You by dumpsterdiva If you ask Keith what summer means to him, he’ll say shitty weather, a bag of quarters, sticky blue raspberry kisses, and not-quite-midnight sandwiches.

Summer job AU at the pier feat. Keith as a shaved ice slave and Lance as an aquarium camp counselor.

You Dropped a Bomb by quartetship Lance loved his job.

OR: The Klance LUSH au

Tollbooth Operator Drive Me Crazy by battleshidge Keith stared blankly at the tollbooth operator for a moment before trying to stifle a groan. Somehow, he always managed to get the booth with the flirtatious attendant, a lanky brown-haired man with clear blue eyes and a confident grin. It didn’t matter that he changed what lane he went through—at least three times a week on his way home from work, Keith was forced to suffer through the horrendous flirts that this man tossed his way.

Taxi Driver Finish What You Started by battleshidge “You were right,” Keith breathed, looking up at Lance with a fire in his eyes. “I did start this,” he lifted his chin, pressing a soft kiss to Lance’s jaw. And another. And another. Lance thought it was torture—sweet, sweet torture. And then that challenge sparked in Keith’s eyes again as he asked, tone low and resonant, “Are you going to finish it?”

Pizza Delivery You Stole a Pizza My Heart by KaSaPe Keith just wanted a pizza. The cute delivery boy with the weird grin and stupid flirting (?) had other plans.

Or: Keith just doesn't get Lance's flirting. At all.

Lifeguards six foot dive (WIP) by shizuoh "I'm bisexual," Lance says.

Keith furrows his eyebrows. "Good... for you?"

"I'd like to buy you a drink," he starts, and grins, "and then get sexual."

Keith shoves him into the water.

(or: lance and his family go to california for a two-month vacation. cue hot lifeguard keith gyeong-kogane.)

Lessons by amycoolz and SylviaW1991 Keith has been nothing but a thorn in Lance's side since the mullet-haired ass first walked into the classroom. But when he decides to get himself shoved into the deep end and, wow, can't even swim, Lance has to save his pretty self and then Pidge volunteers him to teach Keith how to swim. Great. Just great.

Nurse Racing Heartbeats and Hospital Bedsheets by screwtodayimsleeping (nurse!Keith) Me: Hunk Me: Buddy Me: emergency!!!! HunkyBae: what’s up, lance? Are they not letting you out of the hospital yet? Me: HUNK Me: the male nurse that took my blood was probably the sexiest person i’ve ever seen Me: and im literally wearing two sheets as an outfit

BUSINESSES (e.g. Coffeeshop, flower shop, animal shelter)

Office eyes wide to you with wonder by aknightley Keith doesn't dislike his job, but he definitely dislikes Lance. Probably. Maybe.

"Coran thinks you'll bang at the Christmas party but I think that's giving you guys way too much credit," Pidge says thoughtfully. "Hunk is a romantic. He thinks Lance is gonna ask you out any day now. I think he's got a week or so before he owes me like a hundred bucks."

"Pidge, what the fuck?" Keith says, flustered. He nudges them again with his foot, this time slightly harder. They scowl at him, swatting him away. "Why would you bet on me and Lance?" Part 1 of Office AU

Flower Shop i’ll gift you the stars by Kyoshu_Koi Flowers and stars. At least they were giving him things he liked.

Cactus by PinkHitman When Keith moves from the desert in the middle of ass backwards nowhere, to plop in the middle of the big city, he doesn't expect to instantly grow fond of the tall, endearing, jerk across the street. But it's hard not to see roses when said person works in a flower shop.

Arcade got game by warschach Lance hates his job until the one day he doesn't.

Bakery you’re so sweet; will you be mine? by jojotext A new bakery pops up right across the street from Lance's bakery. . . . In which Lance is an idiot, Keith is an asshole, and Pidge is the next Dr. Phil.

Coffeeshop nothing’s quite as sweet by dimpleforyourthoughts and thebrotherswinchester Keith is a barista who hates his job. Lance works at the cat shelter across the street.

SOCIAL MEDIA (Tumblr AU, bloggers, Youtubers, gamers)

Youtubers you had me at merlot by DJAlien “Oh my God,” Lance says as he covers his face. Keith’s tinny voice blares from his laptop speakers: “What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.” See, this joke might have been funny if someone charismatic and charming had said it, but Keith’s flat voice and even flatter expression effectively kidnaps, tortures, and then decapitates any chance of it being remotely humorous.

Keith accidentally starts a YouTube channel. Lance, of course, refuses to be left out. It goes about as well as you'd expect. (Ft. copious amounts of wine and a truly shameless number of references to MyDrunkKitchen, DailyGrace, and general pop culture)

The Boyfriend Tag by theoddpacolypse Keith and Lance are famous YouTubers, along with the rest of their friends, and though they consider each other "rivals" in some ways, they are actually incredibly close. So close that they are actually dating in secret and constantly dropping hints to their fans, whom desperately want them together. Part 1 of What Happens on Youtube series

Gamers Next Level (WIP) by battleshidge “Dammit, Blue, don’t die on us yet! We only just started!”

Red’s voice snapped in his ears, and Lance cursed under his breath. He tried to backpedal quickly, but being flat on his back with the enemy looming above made for certain movement limitations. On top of that, he was already injured, and he could see the red patch spreading across his thigh. He could really use some of Hunk’s portable healing pods, that was for sure. And that, Lance observed, was a very nasty looking knife that was about to plunge straight through his chest.

Well, shit.

Effect: +100% Love, -100% Logic (WIP) by manamune In the real world, Lance is barely making it by in his senior year. He's failing most of his classes and is only one more fuck up away from being kicked off the swim team.

In the virtual reality game Voltron, Lance lives an entirely different life as the internationally-known Blue, an archer with impeccable aim. He's filthy rich, has a trillion friends, and is a part of the most feared guild in the game.There's just one problem: he's madly in love one of his guildmates, Red.

Things begin to go downhill when a kid who acts suspiciously similar to Red transfers to Lance's school.

Bloggers a recipe for two by battleshidge He wondered, briefly, what the look on Lance’s face would be if he actually did say yes.

It’s Mutual (Follow Back Already) by JessicaMDawn At twenty-four, Keith decides to figure out what this 'tumblr' thing is. It's confusing at first, but Keith learns to have fun with it with help from a few new friends. AKA Keith's adventures on tumblr.

#klance #holy shit #Voltron: Legendary Defender #fic rec #klance fic #klance fic rec #voltron keith #keith x lance #keith kogane #voltron lance #lance mcclain #fanfiction #voltron fic #voltron fanfiction

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wellmeaningshutin · 8 years

Text

Short Story #53: Art.

Written: 2/27/2017

Life isn’t as luxurious as it may seem to be an art thief, or at least in my experience it isn’t. When I got into this line of work, I figured that I’d spend a majority of my time schmoozing with the rich and cultured, drinking wine and talking about Picasso, and those other painters that aren’t Picasso, and maybe that’s what its like, maybe I’m just not meant for the high life. I mean, I am spending my day cramped and bent inside of this gaudy bronze sculpture, which has turned out to feel very much like a sauna. If I had any regrets about this, it would be that I wore way too many clothes. A turtleneck seemed like the perfect attire for a scoundrel such as myself, but it is not the best thing to wear when you’re sweating by the pint.

Two things make this whole experience bearable. Just knowing how much the painting I’m targeting is worth is enough for me to spend days in here, even weeks, because its probably my shot at the big leagues, the cultured parties where the rooms have old globes in them, and people have their faces painted in various ways. Also, I have a great perspective of everyone inside this museum, walking around, gawking at the canvases, pausing to say things like “Its so honest, so raw” or “It has a total lack of honesty”, sometimes within the same sentence, about the same painting. At least that’s what I’m assuming they’re saying. Unless they are right up on this big, bronze frog, well, I can’t really hear a word they say, but its fun to pretend.

“Yes dear, the lines are very well done. See, look at how this one curves over here, but the one below it is actually very straight, a nice justification to the preambles of modern associations. Very Picasso.”

“If you turn your head, and squint at it, you can actually see Napoleon. I think this one says a lot about how it can look like Napoleon, but it also doesn’t, so in the end its a very good painting.”

“This circle over here, see that? Its pissing me off, fuck this circle. Whoever painted this is a genius, a genius that I’m going to punch in the fucking face.”

You may be wondering how I’m supposed to get out of this frog if I can’t even move around enough to take off my shirt. Well, I have an answer for that: a little elbow grease, and a crate full of prayers.

You might wonder how I even stuffed myself in this sculpture in the first place. I was able to get in through a hole in the bottom of it, like the ones in piggy banks, and then a friend of mine put the cover back onto the sculpture. The museum placed me inside, and now their security is completely unaware. There’s even a very large security detail here, I can see plenty of uniformed and, what I assume to be, undercover officers, but none of them know that the thief is inside of the art! One of my associates probably tipped them off about the heist, but they’ll never catch me, its tamper proof.

“Hey, look at that guy, maybe that guy is the dumb thief. We should arrest that guy, take him downtown, and then clear out this place because everything will be safe then, because its not like somebody could be hiding inside of a statue.”

“Hey, look at this art, can we arrest it? This circle is really pissing me off, we should put a lot of fake charges on it, so it will never see the light of day.”

“Freeze! Oh, wait, that was a painting. It looked like it had a gun. I might shoot it just in case, I mean, who will be more believable in court? An officer of the law, or a painting?”

I’m just kidding, they’re all being really boring, just standing around mostly. Standing and watching. Some of these guys could be very intelligent, I don’t know. Its not very fun being cramped inside of this oven.

In order to make the situation more bearable, let me tell you about the painting I’m going to steal. On the surface, its just a bunch of colors put together, some blues and purples, maybe some others, I don’t know. However, under all of that paint is a canvas. Okay, I’m sorry for that one. I really can’t tell you much about the painting, because I don’t really know why people even care about it. All I know, is its worth about $560,000. How do they even come up with prices for this shit? “Oh, that makes me feel very good, $400,000. Oh, this one makes me feel very aroused, $1,000,000, I will put this in my library.” Psh, I may know nothing about the subject, but I can tell you I don’t need to know anything to know that its a load of bullshit. Take it from a master thief in a bronze frog: art is nothing but a racket, taking advantage of idiots.

Apparently, or so I’ve been informed by some of my more successful associates, a lot of the money is in painting counterfeits. If you can paint well, and can become a human copy machine, then apparently you’re going to be rolling in the big bucks. I always found that kind of silly, because doesn’t that mean that those people also fall prey to the illusion of art? Like, they gotta learn how to paint and know what they’re supposed to appreciate, so, in the end, they’re just trapped in the same system that they claim to be taking advantage of. Believing in art is the biggest mistake anyone can make, which is why all I do is steal. Point me to a painting with a hefty price tag, and I’ll walk out with it, no problem.

“Wow, this painting is very Kafkaesque, it might actually be an original Kafka. Look at the way they painted a field, its so rural, its like you’re as bored as you would be if you were standing in a real field.”

“Darling, don’t you know? This isn’t a painting by Kafka, this is a genuine Picasso.”

“How could I be so stupid?”

“Well, you know the saying: if you don’t sniff your wine, you don’t know art.”

Oh, hey, somethings happening. Looks like the police are scrambling around like the idiots they are, probably because they’re going after some shady looking guy who they think is supposed to be me, the real art thief. See, I was right actually, cops are pretty dumb. Art, law, dog shows, high society is the dumbest fucking thing on the planet, and its just a way for people on the top, the billionaires, the globalists, to make other people feel insecure. I bet they have secret meetings where they decide the new rules for art, which is good, which is bad. Actually, that would make a lot of sense. And then they probably hand out all of the new made up rules, and then go around in museums, gallery's, high society parties that I’m not invited to, and say repeat all of their memorized phrases, just to seem like they actually know what they’re talking about, when really they just do it to make other people feel ignorant, out of the loop, uncultured. Fuck em all.

Either I had a serious breakthrough, or I’m having a heat stroke. Either way, its fucking hot in here. Let me take a little nap real quick, I need to reserve my energy or I wont even be able to lift the painting when it comes to. ———————————————————————————————————

So, the plan was easy, even if it did seem a little extreme, or unnecessary, but we’re doing this more for notoriety than anything else. If you want to get a big name for yourself in the underworld, you gotta make a big name for yourself. Shit, that sounded better last night when I came up with the plan, but I must have been a little coked up when I said it. Anyways, the plan is easy, all we have to do is drive the truck into the wall of the museum, hop out of the back and lay down a suppressive fire, while the police aren’t aware of the two guys we have planted, looking like regular appreciators of art, are going to be walking out with the most expensive looking thing in there. When they have it, we just drive out, and then drive off of the bridge into the river. There, we’ll leave the truck and swim, aided with oxygen tanks, about a mile to the other bridge, which has a maintenance tunnel inside that can be used for escape.

If you’re wondering how we came up with this plan, it was after we realized we had an eight wheeler, and excessive fire power. You can get anything you want in the world if you’re strong enough, survival of the fittest. I have that tattooed on my right side, going downward, covered in barbed wire. On my hand I have a tattoo of a falcon, and when I move my hand around it looks like its flapping its wings, ready to swoop down on its prey. A panther is on the prowl on my back, and is making a swiping motion with its paw, which actually lines up with the scars I have on my back, from when I was attacked by an actual panther.

I used to be a poacher, since that was the easiest profession for people as fit as I am. You ride out into some beautiful country, get some big ass guns, and shoot down some of the most dangerous creatures on Earth. Its the ultimate take-what-you-want job, but some problems came up. Injuries were starting to become too abundant for us to be comfortable with the job, and lead us to take a break and do some research on the animals we were hunting, to fight them better. Then we started to understand why it was illegal to hunt, and I started to feel bad that if we kept it up, there would be less and less predators out there. There’s nothing bad ass about genocide, so we quit the poaching game, came over to Europe to get into a different market.

The thing that drew us into stealing art was mainly the fact that we had this truck, and all of the guns left over from our Darwinist massacre. Art is full of a bunch of scrawny nerds, a lot of high society jerk offs who are nothing than big heads on soft bodies, so what challenges would there be? We could just go in and take it from them, and then use a little thinking to make sure that the cops wouldn’t be able to get us. Police are nothing, because at the end of the day they’re just humans, who are really weak. If you’ve been in a boat with a pack of hippopotamuses coming after you, their monstrosities of jaws sinking into your ship, tearing it apart, and you’re still able to not only kill all of them, but also keep the boat in working condition, then you can handle some pudgy cop. If you’ve wrestled with a panther, and stabbed its throat out with a bowie knife, you can steal a painting.

Plus, after the initial heat wears off, who will come after us? Its just art, its not like that should be a high priority. Its not like the police are going to care about a handful of effeminate nerds, whining about how some bad dudes took their color squares. Art is a load of shit, the police know it, I know it, everyone knows it, so there wont be an investigation. All that we’ll spend for the job is several cases of bullets, and a truck, which is basically-

“Get your mask on, brace yourself, we’re plowing through in five, four, three, two-” ———————————————————————————————————

There’s nothing better than a trip to the museum on a rainy day. You can escape all of that gloom and ugliness with the beauty of a world of art. All sorts of vivid colors fill the room, they contort themselves into beautiful shapes, and it all has the aroma of masterwork. Artists always try to be like the old masters, they always think that’s the pinnacle of art, yet I think that today, in our modern society, there are all sorts of new masters around us, just waiting for time to grab us and become a new generation of “old masters” for the next group of artists to try to imitate.

Yes, when I talked about masters I did use the word “us”, because I see myself as one of them. You’ll never be able to look me up, see my name, or hear about any of my works, so in a way I’m an unsung hero, but my works are still marveled at, and even fill this museum. Out of all of the pieces in this room, which there are about 57, 22 of them are not mine, yet none are credited to me, and they never will be. If you haven’t been able to guess, I’m a master counterfeiter, and within an hour I could make you a painting worth millions, indistinguishable from the real thing. Okay, well, maybe an hour was an exaggeration, but most people eat that up when I tell them.

I’ve learned that being a master of forging paintings has lead me to become skilled at other means of forgery. For instance, knowing how to copy signatures of great artists has given me skill in copying checks, which I sometimes do if I am ever in need of quick cash. I have also become skilled at forging different personalities, which allow me to spin plenty of different lies about myself, and I must have no real personality. All I am is a social chameleon, always changing shape, saying and acting however I need to, just to make my next sale. If my customers could walk out happy because of their new painting, and I’m please to keep my pockets weighed down tot he point where I can hardly walk, then where’s the crime in that? What am I doing wrong? If they see it as a genuine work, then what makes it a fake?

Yes, I am very full of myself, but why wouldn’t I be? If nobody knows of me, and my great skill will never give me any fame, then why can’t I love myself? All I need is one fan, and I am pleased, so in a way I’m less self centered that other people in my group. Narcissists are people who need others to love them as much as they love themselves, but I need other people to love themselves, as much as I love myself. In a way I am like a saint of art, giving up fame and glory, a vow of social poverty, to make others happier and better off. And if I ever need to bask in my talents, all I have to do is come to a gallery containing my works, and listen to all of the people who speak about them, saying how beautiful, inspiring, fearful, breath taking, etc, it all is.

Yet, today there seems to be a large, law enforcement presence, and even though there is no chance that I could be caught, I’m still a little worried that this is all just a honey pot, and they know that I can’t resist to come back and marvel at my own work. Would they have a picture of me already, or would they go off of a vague description of my appearance? I can’t be the only elderly woman in here, but its not like that’s the only thing they would go off of, and the more I think about it, the more I really do stand out. Maybe they’ll go after somebody else, maybe they’ll..

“Ma’am, I’d like to have a word with you.”

Is this happening? Was I right? They must have a picture of me, this man looks dead set on bringing me in, and I can tell he’s looking at somebody behind me, probably other officers who will make sure I can’t escape.

“I’d like to see a form of identification please.”

Just think of a plan while you dig through your purse, there has to be some way to-

And like that, a miracle came crashing through the walls to save me. Smoke and rubble surrounded the back of a semi-truck, and the door slid up to reveal several, large men wearing animal skulls on their heads, toting large guns, and they opened fire at the crowd. I dropped to the ground, and the man questioning me had a bullet tear right through his hand, which splattered maroon against the vivid green in the fields of my forgery of “A Frolic”. No time to be offended, I had to take the opportunity to crawl out of there, both so that I could escape arrest and not be shot down. All of the officers seemed to be focused on this immediate threat, and none stopped me as I moved past them.

Before I was out for good, I looked back to see the state of some of my fakes, to see if anymore were ruined. It was clear that it would be painful to see, but it would have been worse to never know. Many were riddled with holes, but I could see a man walking out with two of them, while the police were distracted with the gunmen. Not only that, it seemed like three men were slowly walking off with a gaudy, bronze frog.

#Well Meaning Shut In #Free Write #Short Story #Writers on Tumblr #Art #February

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