#if anything they'd have separation anxiety from each other. Not just. Up and leave

[mylonelydreaming]

I'm all for platonic relationships, but I just think romantic suits botw zelink the best. Let other zelinks be platonic, this one is about one hundred years of yearning and shared trauma and tension and forbidden love, and an actual positive version of the knight and princess trope.

[scmoobly]

Wanna Be Yours | Bucky Barnes

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: Even months after Bucky had rescued you from HYDRA, you still had a separation anxiety that made you paranoid when he wasn't around. And so did Bucky.

Content: [bucky being unable to stay away from you] [Comforting] [minor pining for each other] [alluding to s³x]

Warning: Mild mature themes

A/N: first buck fic😍✋️That I'm posting anyways. Not saying my draft isn't full of horndog shit BUT PLEASE PAY ATTENTION THIS PART IS IMPORTANT. Please watch this bucky edit before reading. It'll give you a visual of this fic. I'll leave the link in the comments as well so it's easier to copy. Okay, enjoy ♡ https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSNMdKCFQ/

Not proofread, Sorr :)

"Bucky."

"Hmm." A low grumble echoed from the other end of the call, the familiar rattle of his metal arm easing the anxiety in your chest.

"I miss you."

"I'm working." He responded with the same monotonous effect. He'd been dispatched on a mission nearby, along with Natasha Romanoff only about 20 minutes ago.

She was a glorified babysitter that Steve had assigned to accompany Bucky just in case he got himself in trouble.

As grateful as you were that they'd helped Bucky save you from HYDRA, you weren't that well acquainted with the avengers to know their relationship with each other so the fact that you were left at the tower alone while Bucky was out with someone else just didn't sit well in your stomach.

"I miss you." You repeated mechanically into the phone. It was a habit hard to kill even though it had been months since you'd been freed from the shackles Pierce constricted you in. You were no longer a soldier, but it wasn't like you could just turn off or forget years of torture.

When there was no response, you opted to repeat yourself another time before he interrupted you. "I miss y-" "I know."

You heard a soft sigh from the other line, a few minutes of silence passing before it disconnected with a distorted click.

•

10 minutes later

The door to Buckys bedroom swung open, revealing you sitting in front of it with your legs curled up to your chest, the same inexpressive look in your eyes as they looked up at him.

"How long have you been sitting here?" His brows knotted, and his forehead creased revealing a hint of worry. "Since you left." You answered to which he could only respond with a deep exhale.

Bucky walked closer to you, crouching down to your level before gently sliding a few strands of hair behind your ear, his thumb caressing the skin of your cheek with caution.

Leaning into his touch came much easier to you than most things. Having Bucky close was your only source of comfort after he'd rescued you. His presence grounded you in a whole new world that felt like it was caving in around you.

A world where no one knew who you were but him, and you depended on him to not forget yourself.

"Let's get you to bed." Before you could say anything, Bucky had already hooked his arms around your body, lifting you up with almost zero effort. Your own found their way around his shoulder, eyes glued to his stone cold expression as he moved you nimbly over to the bed and set you down.

"Are you hungry?" He questioned further while reaching for the covers to which you'd responded with a light shake of your head.

"Just missed you." A low hum erupted from the depth of his chest.

Pulling the covers over your legs Bucky sat himself down beside you on the edge of the bed, leaning his back against the headrest before stretching his hand out in your direction, lacing his fingers through your hair.

Forget the Avengers. Your own relationship with Bucky was a mystery, if not anything else. One thing was clear, though. You were definitely not friends. At least you didn't want to be.

The years you'd spent being tortured and trained at HYDRA's base was something only he had the capability to understand. Naturally, your heart ran to him to seek any kind of empathy or comfort, but you'd both been wrung so tight that any sense of emotional sensitivity had been drained from you almost completely.

It took him a long a while, but he'd warmed up to the Avengers, finding his old best friend in Steve, a good companion in Sam, and a supportive team in everyone else.

However, it wasn't so easy for you. Bucky was all you had, and you'd worried your dependence on him in trying to fit back into society would someday become too much of a burden. The vehemence of your affection for him seemed to be concealed by the expressionless look on your face and the thought that he would someday choose to want someone who showered him with love unlike you.

Little to your knowledge, Bucky had his own apprehensions when it came to you. He'd thought being around the Avengers who'd protect you at any cost would make you feel more comfortable and safe. That it would help you open up.

That was the reason he had insisted for you to stay at the tower after the rescue mission. Well. Half of it anyway.

He couldn't stand the thought of you being alone the way he was, holeing up within the dark confines of his room. As hypocritical as it was, he cared too much to see you turn into the version of himself that he'd barely managed to escape.

You deserve to feel the warm flutter of happiness in your body. You, more than him. More than anyone.

That's why he'd rushed back to the tower halfway through his mission after you'd called, leaving Natasha to deal with the aftermath.

He could almost still feel the wind on his face from how harshly he'd revved the engine of the Harley Davidson Street 750.

"Bucky?"

You whisper softly while looking up at him, your doe eyes making him take in a deep breath. "Y-yeah?" He didn't realise how long he'd been staring or how close you'd gotten, your breaths mingling with each other, caressing the others' skin and sending shivers up and down his spine.

Close. Too close.

Too close not to do anything about it.

His metal arm that had been stroking your hair slid down to hook around the back of your neck, the cold vibranium thumb tracing circles on your jaw, and you couldn't help leaning into the touch, sucking in a breath, you closed your eyes in contentment.

"Bucky.." You purred, your cheeks filled with unfamiliar heat. Blushing? Bucky was making you blush.

Meanwhile, Bucky seemed to be awestruck as he blinked in disbelief. "You.. smiled." It was brief, a very small one, but he definitely caught it, and suddenly he couldn't think of anything more beautiful than the sight of it.

He wondered what it would take to see your lips tug upwards just a little more. To hear you laugh if he was lucky enough.

Buckys mind was clouded. Filled with the image of heaven that you'd graced him with, and suddenly he was closer, his lips hovering dangerously close to your own.

"Smile for me, doll."

Your eyes widen when his lips finally pressed against yours, knocking the wind out of you. However, it only took a few seconds for you to melt into the sensation. You had been craving it after all.

Your body began to curl up in an effort to be as close to him as possible, fingers grazing the outline of his stubble. A muffled whine slipped from your lips, causing Bucky to chuckle into the kiss before parting only slightly, an adoring look in his eyes. One you couldn't fathom was meant for you.

"Somehow, that was even better." He cooed, sliding his hand down your arm, the side of your body before resting on your hips, giving it a little squeeze.

"Come here, babydoll." He murmured with a feverish look in his eyes, using both hands to hold onto your hips and move you to straddle his lap. The pet names only served to make your ears burn hotter.

As soon as he'd settled you on top of him, you could feel how tight his pants had grown around him. Your chest heaved up and down as the alien feeling of arousal bubbled in your stomach and in between your thighs, making you squirm and let out little mewls.

"Shh, shh.. calm down, sweets. I have you." It felt like his lips had been taped into a smile. He wanted to ingraine the faces you were making in the deepest part of his thoughts. "I'm right here." He continued, leaning close to leave a trail of wet kisses down your neck, pausing at your shoulder to breathe in your scent before continuing down your collarbone, your arm all the way down to the back of your hand.

"You smell intoxicating. And you taste even better." Your breathe hitches for the millionth time. There was nothing you could think to say in response to his sweet words. Your silence was fine with him, though, because you displayed your innermost feelings on your face, and it was all he needed.

With both hands, he pressed your hips down onto him, eliciting a gasp from you. "Mm. And those delicious sounds you make. You must be an angel given human form because you make me feel like I'm in seventh heaven-" Bucky huffed out the last bit, his own chest heaving in anticipation.

You'd already showed him more emotions in that very second than you had the last few months you'd spent with him, and he was more than eager to explore what more he could pull out of you..

[chompsky]

Obituaries can't be for their subject (they're gone, and despite his name, Chompsky couldn't even read) so I guess that means they're for us. I'm trying to capture some sense of what this wonderful beast was like, trying to share both the best and worst parts of him so they can live on a little longer in all of us, and it's impossible. Can't be done! That's why we cry when people die instead of bustin' out their obits and saying "Look, it's just as good!"

That said, he was great, and I want to try.

So how about this:

***

He didn't have a name, and we were at least his third home.

On their website of adoptable dogs, Toronto Animal Services called him something like "Dog A315391". When we went in to meet him, they told us all they knew about him was that someone had come in wanting to surrender him earlier that month. Toronto Animal Services isn't the Humane Society and they don't do surrenders - they're more the "government agency you call to handle wild animals or dogs at large" people - but another member of the public was there looking for a dog, and the two of them made a deal for him right there in the parking lot.

It must not have worked out, because a week later Toronto Animal Services picked him up as a stray. 

We took him home, and we named him Chompsky.

***

"Separation anxiety" is when a dog is afraid of being alone, and for a dog on his third family, in retrospect it wasn't surprising that Chompsky suffered greatly from it. He followed us from room to room, and he'd only stop crying that first night if I was touching him, so I slept on the floor, my hand on his paw until morning.

He didn't leave our sides for the next six weeks. 

Jenn had to go to work during the day, but one of the perks of being a cartoonist was I could be with him 24/7 to help him work on his problem. Initially it was so bad that I'd have to give him a marrow bone - the highest-value treat I had - just to have a shower: he'd be done with it in three minutes, but if I was fast, I could be finished showering by then too. 

After tons of exercises and practice, we got to the point where Chompsky was ready for his greatest test: being left alone for three hours. (Our trainer told us that anything three hours and up is just "a long time" for a dog, so if you can hit three, you're golden.) That first time we gave him a bone, but shortly afterwards we began giving him a meat stick instead: a special treat that he only got when we were going to be apart for a little while, our way of telling him it was fine to go snooze for a bit, because we were promising to return.  In any case, we left, and when we came back three hours later, Chompsky got up from his mat sleepy-eyed, yawned and stretched, and came over to say hello. He'd never fully conquer his fear of being abandoned, but he'd learned to manage it. 

In the end that touch of separation anxiety was a benefit: it meant he was never a dog who'd run away at the dog park - a whistle or calling his name was usually enough to get him to come bounding back.  And on the occasions where he didn't want to leave, where he'd hold back, keeping us in eyesight but wanting to stay and play for as long as possible - I took it as a compliment, as proof of how far he'd come. Our little guy.

***

He was the belle of the ball at the dog park, because he was a dog who'd play with anyone, scaling his play down for little dogs a quarter of his size and up for larger dogs.  He was just endlessly happy to be there every day, to run around and chase and herd and wrestle.  His best friend at the park was Miles, and whenever they were both there at the same time, they would wrestle for so long that they'd both end up exhausted, lying beside each other, trying to invent new ways to wrestle while lying on their backs.

He loved people, and if you loved him back, it was just an endless loop of the two of you being excited to see each other.  And he was obviously super subtle about his affection:

***

Here's the only trick Chompsky came with: sit.

Here's some of the tricks we taught Chompsky: stay, lie down, chill, stand up, dance, come, backup, leave it, release, drop it, pick it up, sit pretty, left, right, shake, high five, high ten, go pee, spin, play dead, roll over, fetch, touch, on your mat, bow, up top, crawl, find it, catch, in the car, go see Jenn, and go see Ryan. 

Here's some of the tricks Chompsky taught himself:

the apparently-distinctive way I'd say "okay, let's go" before getting up to leave the house which was thus a secret harbinger of walks

how to go for walks in such a way that his photo ends up in The Guardian

how to be an alarm clock for overnight guests

how to befriend local ice fishers in order to steal their fish when they weren't looking

then he did it a second time, oh my god 

after that we stopped letting him go off-leash around Ontario's overly-trusting fisherfolk

***

Like most dogs who spend time outdoors in Ontario, he had a few run-ins with skunks and porcupines.  The skunk encounter only happened once (thankfully, since it meant we both had to sleep in the garage), but he got slapped by his spikey friends several times. The first few times it happened I thought "oh wow he really got lucky!" because it was only ever just his nose. Then I realized it was his shagginess that was keeping him safe! Quills couldn't get through all his that fur, so it was just his nose (and sometimes between his toes) where he could get hit.  Anyway he never learned his lesson and enjoyed getting treats while we pulled them out, and also the porcupines never learned anything either. Nobody learned anything and everyone had a great time except for me and Jenn, the end

***

When we got him he loved to countersurf, getting up on those hind legs and see if there was anything he could grab from the counter.  We did what we could to train it out of him with positive reinforcement, and that - along with keeping our counters clean - helped!  He wouldn't do it when we were in the room, but if we were in someone else's house - and especially if we were out of the room in someone else's house - he could spot an opportunity and go for it.  One time he pulled a whole Thanksgiving turkey off my parent's kitchen counter (he only got one chomp mark in the leg before we stopped him and then ate it anyway, it was still good), another time he ate so many peanuts from a tin he stole off the counter that his poops the next day were, and it brings me no joy to say this, exactly like what you see in your mind's eye when I say the phrase "Snickers: Oops, All Peanuts", and once he ate an entire pound of butter which actually gave his coat a delightful sheen but we still didn't let him do it again.

***

Two weeks before he passed, I brought him to a dog park, hoping he'd poop.  It was a few days before the vet would tell us he had a very aggressive melanoma in his bowels, which was blocking him up and causing him pain - at first we just thought he was constipated and were changing his diet to softer, wetter foods. On this visit to the park, he tried several times to poop without success, but even in all that, and as uncomfortable as he was, he still picked out a complete stranger and sat down beside her. She gave him some pets, he leaned into it, and within a minute she'd crouched down and the two of them were like this:

That was just who Chompsky was, making friends wherever he went. (After his diagnosis, he would finally poop on my birthday, and that bowel movement - and the laxatives he was on to make his stool soft so he wouldn't get backed up again - gave us our last perfect week together, where he didn't have to suffer. In other words, yes, a week's worth of hot-off-the-presses dog poop was my favourite birthday present this year.)

***

This last one is sad.

Last week, we brought him to a cottage, and spent all our time together.  We went on big hikes, he ran and played and got special food and his own steak dinner and breakfast and everything else he wanted.  The vet was coming Wednesday at 2pm.

Wednesday morning was perfect.  October can get cold, but it was an unseasonably warm day - perfect weather for Chompskys.  We got up early, and walked out to the lake, where the sun was taking its time burning off the fog, and things were just were effortlessly spectacular.  He fetched sticks in the lake and played tug with us on the shore, and then we all walked home.

We hung out and did what we could to keep it together ourselves so that Chompsky wouldn't worry about us.  Time moved slowly and quickly and not at all. 

He passed away outdoors, in the afternoon sun.  While he was falling asleep, we petted him and told him he was a good dog, a good boy, and we gave him treats - including meat sticks.  It was the treat he only ever got when we left him home alone, our way of telling him "we're going to be apart for a little while, Chompsky, but we promise it won't be forever."

A few minutes later, he was gone.

Noam Chompsky, 2010-2022.

[synonymroll648]

I mean. if you're willing to share....then yes I am all ears on that sokeefitz angst fic...just saying *eyes*. I put this in a separate ask to give you a space to talk about it, but only if you want! Also no clue what I would want if I was sick, it's genuinely been so long I don't. I don't know what my sick safe foods are? life is so so so hard for people with strong immune systems i'm suffering so much /s

also hi hope you're feeling better! or that if you're still sick that it packs its bags and kicks its own ass to the curb soon <3

i'll answer the other stuff in the og chain; this one's juuuuust gonna be the sokeefitz angst fic lol.

basically: au (that's technically canon compliant, esp since the series isn't over? idk man don't ask) where like the shadowflux echoes in (fanon) fitz's knee, the echoes in his heart end up developing into a chronic condition. but the heart echoes are a significantly bigger threat to his health, like in canon (we don't ever see him get wiped out from the pain in his knee, but we do see him get wiped out from his heart echoes going haywire. there's examples throughout flashback of what i'm talking about). a year or two after canon ends (i'm approximating fitz'll be 18 or 19), livvy and elwin sit him down and tell him that from what they can see, they doubt he'll be able to live past 100.

they tell him that they'll do everything they can to make that statement false, but it falls on ringing ears.

from there, the premise would mainly be exploring how fitz would learn to manage his emotions to keep his heart echoes in check as best as he can - particularly anxiety and anger - plus him learning to accept that he's gone from having a shot at being a famous ancient to bring pride to the vacker family, to an elf that's become the closest to mortality that one can get. and ableism in the lost cities too, because i think realizing that a lot of the people he looked up to when he was younger valued him less as a disabled person would be a good motivator to break away from the golden boy mold and become who he actually wants to be, whoever that is.

and then there's also learning to accept almost-mortality through sophie's unique perspective on it, and helping her accept almost-immortality. slowburn exes to lovers on that front, through the power of - as keefe dubbed it in the books - cognate rawr. i'm also thinking this would be set in level 7 for fitz, so he could be roommates w/ keefe and have an '(unofficial) ex (childhood) best friends to lovers' arc.

sokeefe would be established already in this, but have a conversation fairly early on the fic where they're like 'ummm so i actually haven't moved on from fitz and it's freaking me out-' 'omg SAME' and then help each other figure out they're bi and polyam (that would be a side plot of its own, because, like. you can't do that in one scene lmao). and then once they'd reached that conclusion they'd be like 'hey so you wanna see if we can flirt our way into getting fitz to join our relationship?' 'worth a shot, sounds better than endless pining'.

ofc fitz is super dense though so he doesn't see keefe's advances as flirting until the obliviousness starts getting ridiculous, and he makes up ten million platonic excuses for sophie's actions because we broke up, there's no way she still sees me like that anymore - not when she has keefe the way she does. because as an aro i would do that in his situation and i have decided he's aro-spec <3 but they all get it together eventually. and get a cottage somewhere and fitz gets to be a baker and they just. have their happily ever after.

uuuuuuuuntil fitz is on the cusp of turning 100 and dies. because i'm evil. and i want to explore how much worse keefe's oh my god please don't leave me please please please i'd do anything to make you stay complex would get if he lost a lover and the situation was out of his control. and how much it would differ from sophie's acceptance. and how sophie's acceptance could turn into world-crushing anger and stuff after she stops feeling the need to stay strong for keefe.

and then maybe how much worse the whole please don't leave me alone please i'll do ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING JUST STAY STAY STAY would get if sophie died centuries after fitz from some mission and keefe was truly on his own. just after he started feeling solid about having her in his life for a long time after the present. if i'm feeling particularly cruel by the end.

(there's a lot of scenes that made go OWOWOWOW that my brain conjured up, but. those stay in my brain until i write them. no spoilers :) also ik i'd need to do a lot of research on heart conditions to make fitz's arc more accurate to real life because even if shannon doesn't care about medical accuracy, i do lol.)

[juggernaut-sika]

There You Are

Prompt: Y/n and Turtle were separated for several years for reasons they couldn't help. They finally find each other and have a heartfelt reunion.

Warning(s): Reader being injured, mutated, and held against her will.

So I've had this idea brewing in my head for a little while and wanted to write it out so thank you @redfoxgaming41 for requesting this one! And holy crap this is the longest I've written in a while.

The story

During the battle with Kraang, you had been injured badly and had to be airlifted to Mayo Clinic - Rochester, Minnesota to receive proper care. It was a long and grueling trip but you were transported safely and immediately taken into a prepped room. Many doctors were on your case, making sure you received the best care available. However, throughout the weeks of taking care of you, they noticed how quick a recovery you were making which astounded them.

The astonishment had been short-lived after a while as the doctors noticed, not only were you healing quickly but your appearance was changing as well. It first started with the texture of your skin becoming rougher and...scaley? Then the pigment of your skin began to turn a/an s/c color. Your back became hardened and formed what the doctors described to be a shell-like appearance. Growing fearful, they contacted someone to examine you.

Your eyes fluttered open as you stirred from your induced coma, your vision slowly clearing from the blurriness that glazed your eyes. Your brows furrowed in confusion. Where were you? The last thing you remember was being moved into a helicopter before you passed out. "She's awake, Ma'am." A feminine voice broke through the silence of the room. Then, through your blurred vision, you could see someone walk up to the bed you were in. You shook your head to shake the blurriness away and see who was standing next to you. "Where am I?" You asked, eyes trailing up as your blurred vision finally cleared.

Standing beside you was a black-haired woman. Her ebony skin glowed in the white lights of the room as she gave you a soft smile. "You're in the recovery room. You had a long trip, Y/n." Her voice was just a soft as her smile and brought a sense of calmness to you until something caught your attention out of the corner of your eye. You glance down at your hand, your eyes widen with shock as you lifted them and sat up. "W-w-what-what is-what happened to me?" Your voice was almost frantic as you looked over your body. The heart monitor beeped quickly as you began panting. "Now, calm down Y/n! Just calm down." The woman and her assistant pushed you down into the bed so you wouldn't do anything drastic.

"We're not exactly sure what has happened to you but we're running some blood tests to find out why." She said in hopes of calming you down. Then she cleared her throat and straightened herself. "I apologize, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Dr.Blood," She gestured to herself as she said this, "And this is my assistant, nurse Robin." Dr.Blood then gestured to a woman who looked down at you with a friendly smile. You looked from Robin and back at the doctor. "Doctor.....Blood?" You questioned. Blood chuckled at your quizzical look. "I know, it's an odd last name, but yes." She gave you a sweet smile before taking a deep breath. "You seem lively and healthy enough to move about. Robin could please go get her something to eat and drink?" Dr.Blood requested. "Yes, Ma'am." Giving you one last smile, Robing turned on her heels and left the room, leaving you and Dr.Blood alone.

"I'm aware that I'm in recovery but where am I exactly?" You asked looking away from the doors to Dr.Blood. Blood seemed to swallow hard before taking another deep breath. "Unfortunately, I can't disclose that information to you. When you were examined at the hospital you were immediately transported here in secrecy." She explained. "You mean no one knows where I am?" You gave her a stern look as you sat up. "As far as anyone knows, you are still in Rochester, Minnesota." Her voice was calm as she gave you this information. "You have no right keeping me here! You will let me go!" Jabbing a finger in her direction, you glared at her. "That isn't my call to make, Y/n. I'm sorry, my job is only to make sure you're healthy." Her eyes were apologetic as she gave you a sad look.

Six Years Later

You sat in your bed with your sketchbook, drawing yourself in your mirror before sighing as boredom crawled its way up your body. Leaning into your half-circle of a bed, your finger now tapping the scribbled page. Your eyes glance over at your digital clock with a hint of nervousness in them. It was almost time for another painful examination. Throughout the years you've been living here, you and Dr.Blood had grown close. She did all in her power to make sure you were comfortable not only during your examinations but in your life here. She was one of the nicer people you've met here, other than Robin, someone who didn't treat you like an abomination. And when someone stepped out of line or over a boundary towards you, she was a force to be reckoned with. She wasn't only like this with you, though, she cared for all of the patients in this facility even if they weren't her's to care for.

On days you were going through a depression, Dr.Blood would try to make time to come see you or even send Robin to give you company. Both Robin and Blood felt bad, knowing you most likely would never get out of here and back home to the ones you cared about. The thought affected Robin so much she had to take time off to breathe and recollect. What no one, not even you for that matter, knew that the two of them had a plan. A plan to get you out of the facility and back into society. They knew you couldn't just join the world again. You still had to be kept in secret, but anywhere would be better than rotting away in this facility.

"Knock, knock!" Robin's chirpy voice sang as she walked into your room. "Hey, Robin." A soft smile made its way onto your face while you stood from your bed to follow her. "Things are going to be a little different today so I just need you to not freak out and just follow me." Her voice was professional as it usually always was when she wasn't on break or spending time with you. "Alright." You reply with a raised brow, your smile never dimming. You then left your room, right behind Robin; however, something seemed a little off about her today. Her pace was a lot quicker and she walked a bit more straight. You were still able to keep up with her as you glanced at the room you were always lead to for your examinations.

A sense of anxiety began to fill your chest when Robin led you into an unfamiliar part of the facility. There was no one else to be seen, no patients, no doctors or nurses. Even the smell was different from the chemical smells that lingered in the wing you stayed in. "Hey, Robin...where are we going?" You asked with uncertainty. "Sh." She hushed you quickly. As you two walked in silence a familiar smell entered your nose. It was an all too familiar smell and it was stronger with your heightened senses. The outside world was close. Just then Dr.Blood rounded a corner. She looked to be in a hurry as she took long strides towards the two of you. "The boat is ready and so is the cargo plane. We need to hurry, though, c'mon!" Her voice was frantic but determined. Her hand found its way onto your shell and Robin's back, ushering you two along at a faster pace. "W-what's going on?" Confusion coated your voice while you looked down at her. "I'll explain later. Right now we need to get you onto that boat. I've already bribed the officers and the sailors." She said as you guys walked through heavy plated doors to be met with a loaded dock and the roaring of an ocean as waves crashed against the shoreline.

"C'mon, in here Y/n!" Robin called to you, and the two women moved you into a large cargo crate. "At least tell me where I'm going!" You call out to them. "Here! It's a list of places we are going to make sure you aren't found! Hopefully, it will give you some peace until I can explain later!" Blood hollered over the sudden rain and thunder. She tucked her hair behind her ear as the heavy wind blew. Robin and Blood then closed the doors to the crate and locked it but not after Robin gave you a flashlight so you could see. Silence filled the metal box, the sounds of heavy winds, pouring rain, and roaring thunder all muffed by the cold metal walls.

A sigh escapes your lips when you turn the light on. You back up into a corner and sit down as you looked over the list of states Dr.Blood wrote out in her neat handwriting. Ten states were listed but only one stood out to you, New York. Excitement fluttered in your chest but you knew it was going to be a while before you got there, seeing as it was the last state listed. You knew it was going to be stressful but you couldn't help the small smile that tugged at your lips.

Eleven Months Later

"Well, today's the day Y/n! You're finally going home!" Dr.Blood said as she patted the steering wheel with her hands. A big smile was plastered on her face as she talked to you over the phone. "I can't believe we did it!" Robin bounced in her seat excitedly and looked at Dr.Blood. A laugh escaped your lip as you sat in the horse trailer. "I'm excited too but I'm not celebrating until we get there." You chuckle, looking down at the phone in your hand. A sigh then escapes your mouth as the thought of how the turtles and April would react when they see you. How would you even go about showing yourself to them anyway? It's been almost seven years, would they even remember you? A pang of sorrow hit you at the thought of them forgetting about you, especially t/n. Over the time you two knew each other you grew feelings for him.

"What's up, Y/n?" Dr.Blood's voice asked through the speaker. "Oh, uh...it's nothing. I'm just worried about how they'd react is all...or if they even remember me." You replied. When you were traveling everywhere, you became comfortable enough to tell Dr.Blood and Robin about the others and that most of the police force knew as well and were on their side. You knew what you were from the moment you woke up at the facility but it still puzzled you. "Six years is a long time but that was such a big event that happened, I don't think they could ever forget you," Robin said, "If anything, I'd imagine them more likely to take you in." She added. Her words gave you a little hope, bringing a soft smile to your lips.

The rest of the car ride was quiet. When you made it to the airport, you were transferred to a cargo box. It was a bit snugger but not uncomfortable. You sat in the dark with your eyes closed, feelings of excitement and nervousness taking turns occupying your mind. Dr.Blood had informed the chief of police, Rebecca Vincent about you and that you were being transferred to New York. Vincent along with other officers were going to meet you all at the airport to make sure everything went smoothly.

It was a little bumpy getting off but you made it safely. "This is her?" Vincent asked as she looked the metal box up and down. "Yes, is everyone ready?" You heard Dr.Blood reply. "Alright, let's get a move on people!" Vincent called out as the door to the crate opened making you gulp as light began to fill the box. "Okay, Y/n, c'mon," Robin said grabbing your hand and leading you to a large police van. You hurriedly jumped inside and took a seat as the doors behind you closed. The medics inside the van checked you out to make sure you were in good health. "Okay, sweetie just look at me." A female said as she checked your eyes.

Thirty Minutes in

"Alright, well you seem to be in good health." The male gave you a small smile and took a seat adjacent to you. "Thanks. How long until we get to our destination?" You ask. Suddenly, a loud thud came from the top of the van causing your head to dart up. "What was that?" You asked. "The heroes of New York." The female medic stated with a side smile. "They got here quick." The guy mumbled glancing up at the ceiling then back at you. "Well, I'm sure Chef Vincent would have informed them about her arrival." The female replied, taking a seat beside you.

One Hour Later

"How much longer?" You huffed, now pacing to get your blood flowing. "Not much longer, about another five minutes. Chef wanted to make sure absolutely no one would see you." Addy, the female medic, replied, drawing another sigh from you. You sat down again, resting your cheek in your palm.

With Dr.Blood

"For the last time, she's being escorted to a secluded spot chef Vincent set out. Y/n is safe, no one knows about her besides the escort team." Dr.Blood repeated for the fifth time tonight after Raph questioned her about your situation again. "And Leo. He just hopped on the van now." Donnie pipped up after reviewing his tracker. "Where they at?" Raph asked walking over to Donnie to look at the tracker. "Dr.Blood, Vincent called. She said we should head out now." Robin informed after she strode into the room. "Alright boys, let's go!" Raph said with a growing smiling.

They all headed out, Robin and Blood took a car, and the guys followed Donnie as they hopped along the buildings in Leo's direction.

With You

You lifted your head, excitement slowly building as the van came to a slow stop. Standing up, you were ready to jump out and finally reunite with your friends. "Hold on there. We gotta wait for the other units to secure the perimeter before we let you out." The male medic, Rick said as he placed a hand on your shoulder. "Why? I'm ready." You argued glancing at him and the metal doors. "We know you are. When we get the orders we'll let you out." Addy said as Rick opened one of the doors and hopped out.

A low rumble came from you as you grew impatient. Your reptilian growl took you by surprise for a moment since you were still getting used to the new sounds you can make. Another hour had passed and the order still hasn't been given. Just as you were about to say something, a voice came over Addy's walkie. It was difficult for you to make out but Addy's smile gave you hope. "You ready?" She asked, her smile growing. "I've been ready!" You reply almost desperately. She walked over to one of the doors and opened it, hopping down before Rick opened the other door.

The cool soft feeling of dirt met your feet as you hopped out of the van. You took a few steps forward spinning a bit as you look around for your friends. "W-where are they?" You asked. You seen officers everywhere but no sign of your friends. "They're around, probably trying to find you. Just stay here and someone will lead them over here." Rick said, crossing his arms and leaning against the van. "Y/n?" You turn quickly hearing April's familiar voice. "April!" Relief and happiness fill you when your gaze lands on your friend. You both embrace each other. "Wow, when they said you changed a lot...they really meant it." She said before pulling away and looking you up and down.

"Y-yeah, I still don't know how it happened." You say, rubbing the back of your neck. "Where are the guys?" You look around again. "I believe they're talking with Vincent at the moment. She's probably filling them in on the situation. Dr.Blood was pretty vague when she explained it." April said, following your gaze. "Casey and Vern?" You look at her. "With the guys." She replied. You sigh again while shifting your weight. "How have you been. I hope nothing...besides this has happened." April asked, gesturing toward your mutant turtle body. "It's a long story." You say in a tired voice.

Just then you caught a glimpse of the brothers. They were still talking with chief Vincent, unaware that you were only a few meters away. "There they are!" You say. Anxiety seemed to creep up your spine as your hands began to tremble. April wrapped her arm around yours in an attempt to calm you down. You shared a smile with her before looking back up.

Leo

I kept myself composed as I listened to chef Vincent speak but on the inside, I just wanted to see her. For the past six years, I wondered if I'd ever see her again, and then yesterday, out of the blue, some doctor calls claiming to have Y/n in her care. I was skeptical at first but now, with all these officers around, it feels more real than ever. "To put it simply, Y/n has been turned into a mutant." Vincent's words snap me out of my thoughts immediately. "Come again?" Donnie asked. I could hear the puzzlement in his voice. My brothers and I all glance at each other before looking back at Vincent. "And the doctor couldn't have told us that when we were at the station?" Raph growled, his voice having a hint of anger.

"Relax Raph, at least she's alive and well bro." Mikey pipped in trying to calm our brother down. "Um, if you don't mind me asking chief, what kind of mutant?" Donnie asked as he adjusted his glasses. "A turtle....like you guys." We all look over to see the short brunette, Robin, from the station. "Where's Dr.Blood." Raph huffed as he shifted his weight. "Unfortunately, Dr.Blood had to go incognito much more early than we hoped. I'll have to do the same when this is all over and done with. The facility Y/n was kept in found our trail just a few minutes ago. It'll take them a while to find out that she's in New York so we have a team creating a fake trail from New York to many other locations."

"A facility? What else did that doctor forget to leave out." Robin gulped at Raph's rising temper. "Raph, that's enough. We'll worry about that later." I said, getting a grunt from him. "Where's Y/n now?" I look to Vincent as I ask. "Follow me. She's over here." Vincent said walking off to her left. We followed behind but it didn't take long before we slowed to a stop upon seeing Y/n. She was talking with April. "Y/n?" I asked. Her attention was pulled towards us as soon as she heard me. "Guys." Her voice was soft and a bit shaky. Even in the dim light, I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. "Y/n!" Mikey cried out excitedly as he ran towards her. He caught her in a bear hug, picking her up and spinning her around.

"I thought I'd never see you guys again!" My heart broke slightly hearing her cry into Mikey's shoulder. Donnie wasted no more time in joining the hug. Raph seemed hesitant at first but followed Donnie's lead as he hugged Y/n and our two little brothers. After a few seconds, I walked over, a smile on my face as I joined the group hug. We stayed like that for a moment before separating. I watched as Y/n wiped the tears from her face before looking over my brothers. Mikey had his signature grin, Donnie was also wiping tears from his eyes and Raph was doing all he could not to cry.

"Sooo, what now?" Mikey asked looking over at me. Before I could answer, we heard Vincent speak up. "Well, the sun will be coming up soon. I suggest you all head back to the sewers." I nod in agreement. "C'mon guys, let's go," I tell them, taking the lead.

Back at the Lair

When we entered I called out to Sensei to let him know we were back. It didn't take him long to emerge. I looked behind me to see Raph helping Y/n down then looked down as Sensai walked past me and towards Y/n. He looked at her for a moment before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a firm embrace. "It is nice to finally have you back my dear!" A hint of strain could be heard in his shaky voice after she hugged him. "It's good to be back, Spinter." She replied. Sensai then pulled away with a soft look in his eyes. "You must be exhausted. It would be best if we all got some rest."

After Y/n got settled into her new room I knocked on her open door. She turned her head towards me before giving me a soft smile. "Can I come in?" I ask, returning the smiling. "Yeah." She nodded. As I walked in, I was sure to close the door behind me. I walked over to her. As I did, the feelings deep inside of me were quickly rising like a roaring flame. I couldn't control them any longer. "What is i-" I cut her off, my hands cupping her cheeks as I push my lips to hers. My hands slipped behind her head as she returned the kiss.

"You have no idea how hard it's been. When you didn't come back and we went to Minnesota to look for you but when Donnie could no longer trace you...I thought you were gone. I thought I'd never get to see you again. The thought of me never have gotten to say goodbye almost killed me." I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, making me close them while my brows furrowed. "I felt the same way. So many doctors and nurses told me I would never get to leave. That I was going to be stuck there for the rest of my life." I opened my eyes, her thumbs brushing my tears away. "I will never let that happen to you again...I promise." My voice was firm now.

"I believe you." Her arms wrapped around my neck as she closed her eyes and gently nuzzled her nose to mine before I bumped my forehead to hers.

Raph

I paced back and forth as I grew tired of waiting to see her. Why did they have to put them through all this just to reunite with their friend? It made no sense to him and frankly pissed him off. "To put it simply, she's a mutant." I stopped in my tracks at Vincent's words. I glanced at my brothers sharing the same puzzled look. "Come again?" Donnie asked while messing with his glasses. "And the doctor couldn't have told us that when we were at the station?" I almost bark as a deep rumble emitted from my chest.

"Relax Raph, at least she's alive and well bro." I gave Mikey a glance as he bumped his elbow to mine. "Um, if you don't mind me asking chief, what kind of mutant?" Donnie asked as he adjusted his glasses. "A turtle....like you guys." We all look over to see the short brunette, Robin, from the station. "Where's Dr.Blood." I huffed, shifting my weight. "Unfortunately, Dr.Blood had to go incognito much more early than we hoped. I'll have to do the same when this is all over and done with. The facility Y/n was kept in found our trail just a few minutes ago. It'll take them a while to find out that she's in New York so we have a team creating a fake trail from New York to many other locations."

"A facility? What else did that doctor forget to leave out." I could see Robin tense at my harsh tone but I didn't care, my blood was beginning to boil at the thought of Y/n possibly being experimented on. "Raph, that's enough. We'll worry about that later." Leo said. I let out a grunt and roll my eyes. "Where's Y/n now?" We look to Vincent as Leo asked. "Follow me. She's over here." Vincent said walking off to her left. We followed behind but it didn't take long before we slowed to a stop upon seeing Y/n. She was talking with April. "Y/n?" Leo said. I watch as her attention was pulled towards us as soon as she heard him. "Guys." Her voice was soft and a bit shaky. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes and her lip quiver. "Y/n!" Mikey cried out excitedly as he ran towards her. He caught her in a bear hug, picking her up and spinning her around.

My heart was breaking, seeing her and hearing her voice. "I thought I'd never see you guys again!" She cried into Mikey's shoulder. Donnie followed Mikey joining the hug. I hesitated but the feeling of wanting to comfort her was too much. I allowed my emotions to control my movements and joined my little brothers. Leo eventually joined in too. We stayed like that for a moment before separating. I watched as Y/n wiped the tears from her face.

"Sooo, what now?" Mikey asked looking over at Leo. "Well, the sun will be coming up soon. I suggest you all head back to the sewers." Vincent suggested. "C'mon guys, let's go," Leo said before we all headed for the nearest manhole.

Back at the Lair

I helped Y/n down as Leo called for Sensai. When I looked up toward Leo, Sensai was already walking past him until he stopped in front of Y/n. He looked at her for a moment before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a hug. "It is nice to finally have you back my dear!" I could hear the relief and sadness in his voice as he held her. "It's good to be back, Spinter." She replied. Sensai then pulled away with a soft look in his eyes. "You must be exhausted. It would be best if we all got some rest."

I took Y/n to the guest room we prepared and helped her get settled in. As I was about to take my leave something stopped me. A part of me pulling me back to her. I look over my shoulder, seeing her stroke the soft fabric of her blanket while one of her arms hugged herself. I swallowed the lump in my throat and turn towards her. "Y/n?" I question as I walked up to her. She turned around to look at me, her e/c eyes locking with my emerald ones. I took a deep breath before letting out a heavy sigh.

"We....I really missed ya." My hand finds her's as I look down at the floor. "I had no clue on what happened to ya. I knew you was hurt but not having-to-be-airlifted-to-a-different-state hurt. Ya know, I thought after a month you'd come back but when you didn't we went lookin for ya. I thought something bad happened to ya when you weren't there and Donnie couldn't find a single trace of ya." I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears that stung my eyes. Feeling Y/n's hand on my cheek, I look back up. "I never thought I would get out of that facility and see you guys again. I just wanted to shrink away into nothing so when I realized Robin and Dr.Blood were getting me out I was ecstatic. I was afraid you all would have forgotten about me after almost seven years."

"Well, no one is ever goin to hurt ya again. Not while I'm breathin!" I state, pulling her closer to me. Our foreheads met, "Plus..." I say, inching closer, "I love ya." My voice was just above a whisper. I didn't care if she felt the same way or not. I needed to let her know how I felt. My hands slid up to cup her cheeks, my thumbs gently wiping her tears away. A breathless laugh came from her as she looked up at me. "I love you too, Raph." She choked out, more tears streaming down her face. I then pulled her into me, closing the gap between us until our lips met. I couldn't help the tears that soaked my mask and stained my cheeks. She's all I care about.

Donnie

"Come again?" I asked when chief Vincent said Y/n was a mutant. So many thoughts ran through my mind, everyone else's voice being drowned out. "Um, if you don't mind me asking chief, what kind of mutant?" I asked, adjusting my glasses a bit. "A turtle....like you guys." We all look over to see Robin walking up. "Where's Dr.Blood." I look over at Raph who was becoming huffy. "Unfortunately, Dr.Blood had to go incognito much more early than we hoped. I'll have to do the same when this is all over and done with. The facility Y/n was kept in found our trail just a few minutes ago. It'll take them a while to find out that she's in New York so we have a team creating a fake trail from New York to many other locations."

Again, my mind raced. 'She was kept at a facility? I'll have to ask about that later. If anyone was going to make sure Y/n stays safe, it's me.' I thought to myself. "Raph, that's enough. We'll worry about that later." Leo said, pulling me from my thoughts. "Where's Y/n now?" Leo asked. "Follow me. She's over here." Vincent said walking off to her left. We followed behind but it didn't take long before we slowed to a stop upon seeing Y/n. She and April seemed to be having a conversation until Leo spoke up. "Y/n?" He asked. I watch as her attention was pulled towards us as soon as she heard him. "Guys." Her voice was soft and a bit shaky. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes as she took a breath. "Y/n!" Mikey cried out excitedly as he ran towards her. He caught her in a bear hug, picking her up and spinning her around.

I couldn't contain my excitement either as I wasn't far behind Mikey. We both hugged her tightly as Raph and then Leo joined the hug. Everything seemed to drown out when we separated. All the sounds becoming muffled as my attention focused on her. "C'mon guys, let's go," Leo said. I shook my head as I followed my brothers and Y/n to a nearby manhole where we disappeared into the shadows.

Back at the Lair

Time seemed to fly by, everyone but me was asleep. I got in contact with Robin who was happy to fill me in on everything. I went straight to work, creating a system that would make an endless trail of places Y/n could possibly be. I also took it upon myself to erase whatever digital records the facility had on her which seemed to be most of the information about her. I sighed, feeling relieved that Y/n would be safe. My fingers lightly tapped on the arms of my chair. I turned in my seat to look in the direction of Y/n's room and perked up a bit when I noticed her light still on. I stood and walked over.

"Still awake I see." I lightly smile at her as I walk towards her. "Oh, yeah. I guess I'm just not as tired as I thought I was." She said, her e/c eyes look at me. "Well, rest a sure, darling, you no longer have to worry about the facility finding you. I took the liberty of making sure of that." I inform while I took a seat on the floor next to her. 'Wait.....did I just call her darling?' I mentally slap myself for it but keep cool but the look she gave me says she caught it. "Ehm, s-so uh....It's been a long and interesting night." I say rubbing the back of my neck while my cheeks heat up. "Yeah." She giggled at me. "It has." She added before leaning into me. Instinctively, my arm wraps around her. Her head rested on my shoulder as she sighs.

"Listen, Y/n. I think this is a better time than never to tell you," I sigh and lean forward, my forearms resting on my thighs as I slouch, "I....really like you." I turn my head to the side to look at her. "You do?" She tilted her head before a small smile found its way onto her face. "If it's too much right now the-" "No, it's not because I like you too, Donnie." She cut me off, placing a gentle hand on my bicep. A smile spread across my face before I leaned closer to her. "Then...I hope you don't mind me doing this." I whisper before planting a tender kiss on her lips. I feel her hands wrap around my neck as she returned the gesture of affection.

I found myself pulling her into my lap, the kiss turning more passionate. We separated, looking into each other's eyes. "I won't let anyone harm you ever again. I promise, Y/n."

Mikey

"Relax Raph, at least she's alive and well bro." I nudge trying to keep the mood light. Sure she was kidnapped but at least she's back now. "Um, if you don't mind me asking chief, what kind of mutant?" Donnie asked as he adjusted his glasses. "A turtle....like you guys." We all look over to see that cute nurse, Robin, from the station. "Where's Dr.Blood," Raph said while he shifted from one foot to the other. "Unfortunately, Dr.Blood had to go incognito much more early than we hoped. I'll have to do the same when this is all over and done with. The facility Y/n was kept in found our trail just a few minutes ago. It'll take them a while to find out that she's in New York so we have a team creating a fake trail from New York to many other locations."

"A facility? What else did that doctor forget to leave out." I looked back at Raph who seemed about ready to lose his temper. "Raph, that's enough. We'll worry about that later." Leo said. Raph let out a grunt and rolled his eyes at our older brother. "Where's Y/n now?" We look to Vincent as Leo asked. "Follow me. She's over here." Vincent said walking off to her left. We followed behind but it didn't take long before we slowed to a stop upon seeing Y/n. The excitement when I saw her practically boiled over. "Y/n?" Leo said. I watch as her attention was pulled towards us as soon as she heard him. "Guys." Her voice was soft and a bit shaky. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes and her lip quiver. "Y/n!" I cried out excitedly and ran towards her. I couldn't bear seeing her so emotional. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, picked her up, and spun her around.

"I thought I'd never see you guys again!" She cried as she returned the tight hug. My brothers soon joined the hug. We stayed like that for a moment before separating. I watched as Y/n wiped the tears from her face. "Sooo, what now?" I asked looking over my shoulder at Leo while I held Y/n gently. "Well, the sun will be coming up soon. I suggest you all head back to the sewers." Vincent suggested. I looked at chef Vincent before looking back at Leo. "C'mon guys, let's go," Leo said before we all headed back home.

Back at the Lair

After Raph went to bed after helping Y/n get settled in, I happily strode into in to wish her goodnight. "Hey, Y/n!" I chirp and catch her gaze. When our eyes locked, I suddenly felt sheepish. "U-um, I just want to uh...wish you goodnight. We got a lot of catching up to do tomorrow!" I say, trying to keep up my happy-go-lucky tune, bumping her arm with mine. "Thanks, Mikey but are you okay?" She asked tilting her head at me. "Y-yeah, of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?" I reply. 'Crap she's good.' I think to myself. "Because you aren't usually this nervous." The sound of her giggles filled the room and made my heart flutter. "Is there something both-" I couldn't help it anymore. My arm slipped around her waist as I pulled her into a deep kiss. "I really like you, okay? That's what's bothering me." I admit when we separate.

A smile replaced the shock on her now soft face. "I really like you too, Mikey. I always have." Her silky voice flooded my ears, my nervousness dissipating at her words. I was probably grinning like an idiot but I didn't care. She's all that matters to me at this moment. "Goodnight, Mikey." She said, planting a gentle kiss on my cheek. "Goodnight, Y/n," I reply before leaving her room. I closed her door on my way out and walked over to Raph's and my shared room. "Yes, yes, yes!" I fist pumped and whisper shouted as to not wake Raph up. I then flop onto my bed a dumb smile on my face. "I can't wait for tomorrow."

[sadachmesarthim]

coercive notions - stucky

content: semi-graphic violence, blood, minor character deaths, emotional manipulation and abuse, false imprisonment, kidnapping, torture in the form of nonconsensual body modifications, stockholm syndrome.

dead dove: do not eat. steve sucks big time in this one. i’m not really sorry about it. 

note: happy 6k followers to @sweeterthanthis​ !!! i love the idea of these prompts, they definitely did their job !! i was thrilled when i saw i got my quote of choice. this one’s based on ”i wish i knew how to quit you” from brokeback mountain (my favorite angsty husbands) 

if the timeline is nonsensical in this - think 2 years post engame but no one's actually died! there is also some background starker but it's only mentioned twice. this is my first time writing for steve and bucky, and my first ~dark~ piece. it was definitely the challenge it presented itself as, and i’m super thankful for the opportunity to participate alongside so many talented witers!! 

word count: 4.2k ; read time 15 minutes

Steve'd survived because of Bucky. 

Bucky was the one that kept the fevers at bay, bought him medicine, nursed him back to health even when neither of them thought he'd survive through the night. Bucky was the one that dragged him out of the river, and left him alive on the bank.

Left him to wake up. 

Bucky was the one that welcomed him with open arms when Steve was abandoned by the Avengers. Steve'd lost his home, his family - everyone and everything he had - when the world rejected him (the millionth time). Bucky was the one that came back. He'd lost his arm, his identity, everyone and everything he remembered - but he still ran to Steve without hesitation. No matter how far away they got, no matter what separated them, they always came back to one another. 

They got together right after the fight with Tony in Siberia. 

They'd found each other, and suddenly gained a future. 

Steve had never... really pictured himself having a future. When he was younger, he accepted that he'd die young. A fever that wouldn't break, a cough that wouldn't leave, pneumonia he couldn't beat... Then he joined the army. He suddenly... had possibilities.

But there was still war, he was still fighting, and he was still in the line of danger every single day. It didn't matter if he was fighting Hitler, homophobia, Hydra, - someone was always gunning for him. Someone was always trying to get him killed. And it worked! He died! Crashed straight into the ocean and froze, for seventy fucking years!

Until someone had the audacity to defrost him, and yet again force him into the line of fire. Without really consulting him first. It was something Steve was slowly coming to terms with - he’d always be fighting, always be serving, always be protecting. 

He’d been failing his job as a protector, lately. 

+//////+

They all thought it was a bit weird, but then again, so is living with two men that look seventy years younger than they actually are. So is living with your coworkers. So is being a superhero. So of course none of the other Avengers said anything. 

Not when Bucky started asking Steve permission for things - to get up from, and leave, the table after meetings. If he could get seconds during breakfast or dinner. If he was allowed to come on patrols or missions. Everyone just assumed it was a forties thing, or that it was just Bucky getting more comfortable around them. The dirtier minds of the group (Tony, Peter, Natasha) chalked it up to a kinky sex thing. 

Steve saw it as devotion. 

Bucky saw it as a way to keep him appeased. 

See, Steve'd gotten more... irritable, lately. Every time Bucky got hurt on patrol, was in a bad position during a mission, needlessly volunteered to do something dangerous  - it pissed Steve off to high heavens, for no reason. It'd gotten significantly worse over the course of a few months, to the point where Bucky could barely breathe without Steve getting upset. 

It came to a head one day when Bucky got pinned during a fight with New York's latest nuisance. He wasn't even supposed to be there, it was his day off, for fucks sake. But he'd heard the call go out, and suited up before following a few minutes behind the rest of the crew. 

This particular species of big nasty™ (a xorrian dog? Thor had called it?) had an... upsetting taste for live, warm flesh. He popped up outta nowhere over Manhattan during the Friday morning rush, apparently scouting Earth for the next course in their Milky Way Dinner Service. 

Bucky, self sacrificing moron that he is, was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just as Steve laid down the final blow, narrowly avoiding the alien's jaw, Bucky slid underneath it, shoving his hand between the soft plating of the monster's stomach. He reached in, single-handedly gutting the thing while Steve put a shield-sized dent in its skull.

Their foe dropped almost instantly, crushing Bucky beneath several tons of dead weight. None of them would have known he was there, either, if Tony hadn’t programmed life-sensing protocols in a new combat arm he’d gifted the soldier for his second anniversary home and Hydra-free. A signal went to Tony’s suit the instant FRIDAY sensed structural integrity issues, sending him a precise location.

“What do you mean he’s here, babygirl? We didn’t call him in.” The worry in Tony’s voice was apparent, calling the attention of the rest of his team. They were all intrigued, prematurely pulled from their celebrations of a fight well won. 

“It seems that Sergeant Barnes is approximately twenty paces northwest of your location, and his elevation is slowly decreasing. Would you like a map of the area?”  

“Uhh, no Fri. I think I know exactly where he is. Cap, get your ass over here!” His heart rate was increasing by the second. If he thought correctly (as Tony almost always did), Bucky was... underneath the alien. “We need to pick this fucker up, or flip it, or something. I think Bucky’s stuck under it.” 

Steve’s blood ran cold. “Tony, what the fuck are you talking about? Bucky wasn’t part of the group today.” 

Steve didn’t hide his anxiety well when it came to Bucky. Their team knew that he was Steve’s whole world. One more life threatening situation, and Steve might actually die from old age with all the years Bucky’d stressed out of him. FRIDAY sending a detailed ping with Bucky’s combat arm location didn’t do anything to ease his anxiety, either. He knew it was just like Bucky to do something like this - jump in without word, all act and no think. Try to help his team out and wind up crushed by an alien pet the size of a 787.

Peter was next to them, soon, ready to help get this thing off their friend. Together, they managed to drag Mister Beast-of-the-Week far enough down the street, revealing a very unconscious, very bloody Winter Soldier nestled in the asphalt. 

Steve was on him in a second, picking Bucky up with both hands. Tony already had FRIDAY doing preliminary scans and sending them back to Cho and Strange. Initial reads weren’t terrible, all things considered, but he still looked like shit. He might be five hundred times stronger than the average man, but no one’s prepared to be stuck under 200 tons of pure xeno-reptilian mass. Not even Bucky Barnes. 

His head rolled back freely as Steve picked him up, exposing an already bruised and swelling jaw. Steve’s breath caught in his throat, choking him on his own shock. Saved by the bell, Cho called Tony back immediately, sending for one of them to bring him to the tower surgical site immediately. 

“We have to go, Steve. Let us take him, we’ll get him fixed. We’ve done it before. We can do it again. But you have to let him go.” Steve’s upward glance brought him Tony’s exasperated face. He was dizzy, everything felt like slow motion. 

He didn’t register the movement until he saw it, watching Peter’s hands as they held him back. Tony took Bucky’s lifeless form, carrying him toward Stark Tower and away from the wreckage. 

The wreckage he shouldn’t have been anywhere near in the first place. 

The wreckage he wouldn’t even have known about if he didn’t beg Tony to be included in all mission alerts. 

The wreckage he would have avoided if it weren’t for the martyr complex he’d had since birth. It might not be nearly as strong as Steve’s, but it was still there. Bucky’d always gone to obscene lengths protecting the people he loved. 

Steve had a track record of doing a piss poor job of repaying the favor. He couldn’t save him from the war. He couldn’t save him from the train, or from Hydra. He couldn’t save him from Thanos. He couldn’t even save him from a stupid little skirmish downtown. No, from where he was standing, Steve’d fucked up. Big time. 

He promised that day, he wasn’t going to let anything like this happen again. 

+//////+

It was weeks before he was back to normal, and even then - Bucky wasn't entirely sure he wanted to leave. Not because he was still sore, or not feeling up to par. In fact, he'd been antsier and more ready to get back into the field than ever. He missed his friends, he missed the people he fought evil with every day. He missed sparring with Sam and going on runs with Peter, listening as Thor regaled stories about Old Asgard no one.. could quite follow. Missed the twice weekly calls from Shuri. But most of all, he missed his freedom. 

Steve wasn't ready to give it to him. 

When he woke up after surgery, Steve was right next to his recovery bed. He almost looked like he did back in the day - sleep deprived, worry lines forcing their way to the surface of his face. Vague frustration enveloped him, even when he met Bucky's conscious form for the first time. 

Their first few conversations were tender, loving, but it didn't take long for them to sour. 

Steve'd insisted on bringing Bucky back to their shared floor immediately after he woke. He allowed Cho to look him over, FRIDAY to scan him, everyone to come say hi - but he never let Bucky out of his sight. Not while Bucky was awake, anyway. 

He slept a lot in those first few days. He was still healing, and while it might have been much faster than anyone expected, he was also recovering from what should have been several deaths over. He spent most of his time in bed, asleep, or talking to Steve. 

Most of it was lecture, some was praise. How stupid he was to get involved on his day off. How much Steve loved him. How he wasn't allowed to go being a martyr like that again. How much Steve loved him. How Steve was going to do a better job of watching over him from now on. How much Steve loved him. 

There was a lot of that, after Bucky woke up. How much Steve loved him. How important Bucky was to him, how much it meant to him that Bucky was alive and breathing and conscious and okay. Every time he got a lecture, or a reminder, Steve's hand was on him somewhere. His shoulder, his wrist, his face. His throat. Every time he spoke, he squeezed, just the tiniest bit. Not threatening, not even to force acknowledgement. Just.. Because he could. To the untrained eye, it was just physical contact. 

Bucky knew better. 

Bucky knew conditioning when he saw it. When he felt it. 

Bucky also knew he was significantly more susceptible to conditioning than most people. 

Bucky was fucked. 

+//////+

Tony didn't think anything of it when Steve asked for handcuffs that could hold a supersoldier back. He, too, was a pervert with a genetically enhanced super-boyfriend, who was he to deny the Captain a little fun? He'd designed restraints Peter could use without breaking (or hurting himself!), why not share the love?

No one thought anything of it when Bucky stopped joining them on missions. Trauma has a different effect on everyone, maybe Bucky just needed time to process almost dying (again). No one would blame him for it. Hell, most of them encouraged his staying home. 

None of them... really thought anything of it when he quit leaving altogether. They trusted Steve's judgement, and if he didn't think Bucky was ready to leave, then he wasn't. Bucky knew better than to defy him, too - just kept his mouth shut around "yes, Steve"s and "okay, Steve"s.

The conditioning didn't stop as he got stronger. He'd been back to 100% weeks ago, but Steve was still babying him. Carrying him to the shower, not letting Bucky bathe himself, or brush his own teeth. He couldn't dress or eat without help, go anywhere without asking. "I just want to keep you safe. I need to know that you're not going to get hurt." Steve's words remained calm, level, but his face betrayed the threat behind them. If you don't listen, you won't be able to leave at all. 

Bucky'd learned the hard way that if he didn't listen to Steve, he wouldn't have a choice. He'd attempted to leave their floor by himself while Steve was out on a mission with Tony, Nat, and Thor - he got up early, showered, got dressed. His first taste of freedom in a long time, he was so excited to go see everyone again. 

He was downstairs and halfway through breakfast with Bruce and Peter when Steve got back. 

+//////+

Bucky couldn't remember the last time he'd seen the sun. It's a familiar feeling to him, one he thought he'd never deal with again. The isolation. The lack of control. The fear. 

Steve initially hadn't looked mad. He let Bucky finish his meal, kept a distant but watchful eye over the group until the two others finished and moved on to their lab work downstairs. 

Bucky knew he was fucked. He'd broken rules. He'd left their room without permission. Steve might not have looked it, but Bucky could feel the anger and disappointment radiating off him. 

After that... He wasn't allowed to do anything. 

No workouts, no missions, no patrols. No leaving their room. Steve'd used the restraints Tony made - had him thoroughly tied down to the floor below their bed. No internet, no phone. Not a single book or movie or boardgame in sight. Good boys don't require entertainment to behave. No eating - Steve'd placed a gastric tube down his sinus to provide nutrition. His muzzle, the one hydra'd used... Steve'd locked it over his jaw, and left it there. Good boys don't need to use their mouths - not to drink, not to eat. Not to talk back or call for help.  No using the bathroom on his own - he had a catheter replaced once a day, and Steve changed his bag as needed. Good boys don't get to leave the bed, not even if it's an emergency. 

He learned to wait for Steve. Learned his schedule - early morning meetings with Wakanda, check ins with Fury and Maria, patrol a bit after lunch. Then, he'd come back, make sure Bucky's bag was empty and his feeding tube was flushed and clean before feeding him. 

Steve allowed him to use the bathroom and shower at night, under incredibly watchful eyes. The restraints Tony'd made were long enough to stretch the entire perimeter of their room, but Steve kept him on a short leash. Bucky had five minutes total - shit, shower, shave. If he didn't finish in time... There's always tomorrow. 

If he did, he'd get rewarded. 

Steve'd wrap him up in a large fluffy towel, carry him to bed. He'd bring back the sweet little reminders, with his hand around Bucky's throat. How much Steve loved him. How this was all for his protection. How Steve wasn't going to let anything happen to him, ever again. How proud Steve was of him, for letting him return that favor, even decades later. How well behaved Bucky was, how good he'd been for Steve.

Steve was so different from Hydra, too. That's what made it so fucking difficult to resist the love bomb-type conditioning. He wasn't the torture type - didn't like the idea of doing anything he didn't have to. Steve didn't want to hurt him, and Bucky knew that. He found it harder to reject Steve's advances the longer he was locked in that fucking room, found it harder to discern whether or not he... wanted... to reject it.  

He was Bucky's dialysis, and his drinking problem. 

He was Bucky's oxygen machine, and the cigarettes he'd smoked to earn him one. 

Steve could ask Bucky to do anything, ask him for anything... and he was powerless to say no. He'd tried. 

+//////+

It'd gotten him a flick to the mouth, for his hesitation. 

"When I ask you a question, love, you need to answer me. Do you understand?" The tears in his eyes nearly spilled over, sharp pain from his lips radiating into his nose and the corners of his eyes. He didn't want to answer. He wanted to leave. He wanted to run, to get the fuck away from Steve and the compound and everything. 

"Yes."

"Yes what, angel?" Steve might've been good about keeping his emotions checked in public, but Bucky could tell he was smug. Gloating. He enjoyed this. What'd happened to the sweet kid from Brooklyn that could barely hold himself upright? Bucky missed him. 

"Yes, Stevie. I’m sorry Stevie." Saying his name was painful. This wasn't his Steve. This wasn't the Steve he'd fallen in love with. Wasn't even the man that'd dragged him out from underneath that alien... How long ago? Months? Years? 

Bucky didn't know anymore. 

Didn't know why his friends hadn't saved him yet. Didn't know how his absence went unnoticed for... however long it'd been. Didn't know why he was struggling to be upset about it all. 

Steve, observant as he was, could practically see the gears turning in the other's head. He cradled Bucky's face in his hands, drawing him into calculated eye contact. Bucky felt sick. There was something... wrong, there. Something Bucky'd never seen before. 

"They don't love you like I do, Buck. They don't want you. They don't love you." 

Bucky flinched at the words, physically recoiling from Steve's grasp. He knew it wasn't true, he knew... He thought it wasn't, right? 

Steve's laugh pulled Bucky out of his own thoughts, bringing him back to the room in front of him. He had a display up, with various recordings of the rest of the Avengers. He flipped through them, muting and unmuting seemingly at random. 

"... I mean, he's probably ditched us for Zemo again. Would that really shock you?"

"he almost died again. I don't blame him, i wouldn't want to be found eith-"

"-e can take care of himself, let's just give him time."

Steve waved the holo display away when he saw the first few tears fall. "Don't you see, Baby? They don't care like I do - they don't love you like I love you. No one will ever love you like I love you." Steve's words stung, but Bucky couldn't deny that they made sense. Of course no one was looking for him. He was unpredictable, still kind of an outsider. Why would they try to come find him? Why would they care?

Bucky's mouth moved before his brain could stop him.

"'m sorry, Stevie, please, I'm so sorry! I-I- I thought they cared, please, please don't leave me Stevie! I was so wrong, Steve please! Wish I knew how to stop, Stevie, but you know I can't. You gotta help me stop Stevie, I've been so confused, been tryin' to quit you Stevie but I can't. Wish I could quit you but I can't, I can’t be left alone anymore. Please, you can take my arm if you want it, Stevie. Take anything, take whatever you want from just please, please don’t leave me alone anymore!"

He was in hysterics at this point, unable to believe what was coming out of him. Was he really okay with Steve taking his arm away? Did he really love this Steve back? Was he just scared?

The worst part was that he couldn't tell. 

+//////+

The smell of fresh coffee woke him before he was ready. His eyes burned, still dry after Steve refused to close the window before they went to bed. 

Bucky would have closed it himself, but he couldn't actually reach that far. 

They'd moved out to the cabin a few months after Bucky finally broke realized how wrong he was. It was a cute little place, big enough for the two of them but small enough to not draw attention if someone came upon it by accident. Not that they really could. Steve'd installed motion sensors five miles out, and had fully automated... solutions, in place, should any threats or issues arise. 

They went entirely unused. 

It really was a beautiful plot of land - they had a few animals, a cute pair of kittens to dote on and play with. He had enough room to move around, to sit in the sun or curl up in bed. He had plenty of books, games, anything and everything he could want to occupy his time, really. He had Steve. 

And breakfast now, apparently. 

Steve set the plate on the bedside table, gently sitting next to his lover and planting small kisses on his still shut eyelids. Bucky looked up and smiled, blushing at the hand that'd wrapped around his neck. He reached out, gently thumbing at the inside of Steve's wrist. Oh, how he'd missed this. Missed contact with his Steve. 

He opened his mouth, accepting the bite Steve offered him. Steve always made the best pancakes, he thought, appreciating the hot meal hitting his tongue. He hadn't eaten this good in weeks. It was hard for him to cook without his arm, but Steve always provided. Steve cooked for them, cleaned up after them, made sure Bucky was sated. Safe. 

He'd taken off for a mission nearly a month ago. A dangerous one, he'd said. One he might not return from for a while, he'd said. Bucky worried. He always did when Steve left, especially since he couldn't know where or why he was going. But Steve always came back to him. Sometimes, he was back in one piece. Once, he'd come home with an arrow in his stomach and several gunshot wounds. That'd been a... scary night. Another time, he came home with half of his hair singed off and his clothes in tatters. 

Last night... Last night he finally came home, and he looked like shit. 

He was covered in bruises, nearly 40 pounds lighter than he was when he'd left. There were holes in the shield, too large to be bullets but too small to be anything else easily recognizable. Some were through his suit, too - puncture wounds littering his chest and stomach. They were already partially closed, but he was still bloody. 

There were still webs in his hair, too - Bucky brushed them away after Steve closed (and locked. always locked.) the door. He knew better than to comment. Steve was just protecting him. Steve loved him, he was doing what he needed to keep Bucky safe. 

But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. That each time Steve left for a mission, Bucky cried himself to sleep. He thought, eventually, that the pain would go away. That the death of each of his friends would get easier, somehow. That the fear, the hope, of losing Steve would stop consuming him. 

He'd just smiled, kissed his husband's cheek, and helped him strip down. He'd mouthed at the graze left on the side of Steve's neck, reverent in the presence that was his protector. Bucky'd developed quite the complex, in their time of isolation. Every time Steve came in - from cutting firewood, picking food from the garden, feeding the animals, or from nights like last... Bucky just couldn't stop talking. 

About how he wouldn't be alive without Steve. How he'd still be a mindless slave for Hydra, killing innocent people under everyone's noses. How he owed Steve his life, a thousand times over. How he'd've been taken by Ross or Stark or Clint or someone, and locked away miles under the sea. He'd pressed them into Steve's jaw like kiss-coated secrets, like no one in the entire world knew these things but Bucky & Steve. Like they were bits of information to cherish, to chew on and savour before swallowing. 

Steve just laughed, picking Bucky up and bringing him to bed. He followed shortly after, cleaning and patching himself up before snuggling right up to Bucky. 

Sleeping was interesting, initially, but they'd adapted. It was easier to cuddle Bucky without his arm, but sometimes Steve woke up with his legs tangled in loose chains by the footboard. It was an easy enough trade, in Bucky's opinion. Give up his arm, give up a bit of freedom, and get a loving, devoted husband in return? One that would make him breakfast in bed, one that would hold him and kiss him and praise him whenever he needed? One that would kill for him? Die for him?

Bucky saw it as a fair enough trade, and if that meant their friends needed to die... He tried not to think about it.

[brokenmemoriesblog]

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Jordan Valentine (F! MC)

Book: Open heart

Summary: Torn between the woman he loves and her keeping her job. Ethan was given a tough choice make but is it the right choice? let's find out.

A/N: This is definitely something that was supposed to be small and short I wasn't planning on making it long or anything but let me know how y'all like it. Most people on Instagram are asking for chapter 2. So here y'all go enjoy it my loves ❤

Ethan sit’s in his office looking at a case file when he hears the door open, he looks up in hopes it’ll be Jordan, but when he sees who it is his expression changes.

“Bloom, how can I help you?”

Leland Bloom looks at him with a steely smile, as he goes to sit across from Ethan. They stare each other down for a brief moment as bloom clears his throat.

“ Good afternoon Ethan, how’s it going?”

Ethan looks shocked and cautiously chooses his words. He hates Bloom and he knows he’ll never just visit just for the hell of it. So he takes a deep breath and he continued to stare at him until he finally spoke up.

“Bloom”

Leland looks at him and smiles as he adjusts his coat and he leans forward.

“How’s Dr. Valentine doing?”

Ethan looks at him and he raises a brow curious as to where Leland is going with this. He must be up to something if he brought up Jordan like that. Bloom continues to smile while Ethan glares at him. He waits patiently for him to speak.

“ What do you need bloom”

Leland smiles and nods at him

“I’ve recently become aware of your relationship with Dr. Valentine.”

Bloom gets up as he starts to slowly walk back and forth. Ethan waits to see where the conversation is going, He’d rather think than react first.

“ That’s none-”

Bloom raises a hand cutting him off he makes his way back over to him and leans over his desk shooting daggers at him.

“ I think you forget Dr. Ramsey, This is my hospital, I know all the ins and outs of this place, I know the gossip, and I know you and Dr. Valentine are involved. Now listen closely because I’ll say this once and once only. Since you haven’t found a way to cure my Caroline I have no choice but to remove Dr. Valentine from the team. Hell, I can even have her fired from the hospital. I’ve already made your life a living hell. What I say goes. So until you find a way to cure my Caroline, your relationship with Dr. Valentine comes to an end. Or fail to do so and goodbye valentine. Think It over Dr. Ramsey.”

Ethan continues to sit at his desk as he watches Bloom walk out of his office. He sinks in his chair and his heart races faster than before.

“Fuck”

He stands up and he swipes everything off his desk. He’s angry and now frustrated by the ultimatum Bloom just gave him. He loves Jordan and he doesn’t ever plan on hurting her. But this is her job that’s at risk, and now the bloom is the ringmaster. Ethan paces back and forth as he tries to figure out what to do. He looks over at the mess and he can see the photo he had on his desk of him and Jordan is shattered and on the ground. Anxiety kicks in and he knows what he has to do. But how can he break her heart, she’s the love of his life and he’s hers. Bloom pulling that stunt is like pulling the trigger to a loaded gun.

After Bloom's unexpected visit, Ethan sits at his desk contemplating what his next move is. He buries his head in his hands and he lets out a frustrated sigh. He sighs and leans back in his chair and he sits there staring off in the distance. He's unsure how long he's sat there and didn’t realize that someone had walked in.

“Ethan?”

Jordan looks at him and she raises a brow she makes her way over to his side of the desk and she looks at him.

“Ethan”

She said his name again and he still notices didn’t her so she gently touched his arm and he snaps back into reality. He looks at her and his eyes soften and he smiles at her. But then he realized the ultimatum Bloom gave him and suddenly his smile fades.

“I’m sorry did you say something?”

He looks at her as she looks back at him. He can see she’s worried for him. But she doesn’t ask, she probably thinks he’s stressed over a case or something so she doesn’t press the matter.

“Ethan, is everything okay? You seem kind of out of it.”

Jordan looks back at him; he shifts and avoids eye contact with her. He also avoids the question when he looks back down at the folder.

“I’m fine Dr. Valentine, is there anything I can help you with?”

Jordan blinks and she raises her brows, shocked at the tone he used and the fact he called her ‘Dr. Valentine versus Jordan. She clears her throat as she adjusts herself.

“Dr. Valentine? Okay, what’s going on Ethan, you never call me that unless you're in a bad mood.”

He looks up at her, he bites his tongue, he doesn't want to be cold and stern to her. He hates it. She doesn't deserve this, all he wants is to be happy, and they were until a while ago when bloom came in. He looks at her, he takes off his glasses and he sighs.

“I'm fine, don't worry, just a stressful case is all. Is your shift over? If so, are you ready to go home?”

Jordan looks at him, and she nods as she slowly gathers her belongings as Ethan sits there staring at her. His heart sank and he couldn't let her know about what was to come. All he knew was that they'd both be hurt in the end. So he braces himself for the inevitable. She walks out of the office and doesn't wait for him. He slowly gathers his things he takes off his coat, hangs it up, and he takes a deep breath as he makes his way towards the parking garage.

Once at the parking garage, Jordan leans against the car as Ethan approaches the driver’s side and quickly turns on the car. Jordan sits in the passenger seat, she buckles up and he puts the car into drive. They make their way home in silence.

Once they arrived at the apartment complex they sat there in silence, Jordan looked over at him and she gently placed a hand on his leg. He looks over at her and he sighs, he leans forward and he plants a soft kiss on her forehead.

“Forgive me”

He whispered to her softly, she pulled back and smiled at him.

“It's okay, I forgive you. We all have bad days”

She gives him a soft kiss to the lips and he melts Into her instantly he tangles his hand in her hair.

“Ready to head up?”

She looks at him and she nods, she gets out of the car and gathers her belongings. He watches her as he leans back into his seat.

“ Aren’t you coming?”

He looks over at her and he nods.

“Yeah babe, I’ll be right up.”

Jordan smiles as she makes her way to the elevator. She turns back to look at him and she smiles as she waits for it. He smiles back. He starts to overthink again about what’s about to happen and tears start to form in his eyes.

“Fuck, she’ll hate me..”

he whispered to himself as he wiped his eyes and he quickly adjusted himself. Before he got out of his car and made his way up to his apartment.

Once he walks in Jordan sits at the kitchen island waiting for him. He slowly enters and she looks up and smiles.

“So I was thinking for dinner, we can make pasta, or I can make enchiladas”

She looks at him and he stands there looking at the floor, Jordan’s smile fades and he clears his throat.

“ I think it’s best if we broke up”

Jordan looks confused at Ethan as she tries to understand what he just said.

“Wha- Why?”

She struggled to speak as Ethan looked away from her, she blinked back her tears and he can hear her sniffle, he bites the inside of his cheek as he tries to avoid his tears taking over.

“ I don’t see this working out… I think it’s best if we just went our separate ways..”

Jordan wipes her tears away and she makes her way to the closest to grab a suitcase. After doing that, she walks past Ethan, looking down as he crosses his arms over his chest. He sniffles a bit and looks back up as he can hear Jordan throwing hangers across the room.

He comes up behind her and he puts his arms around her, she flinches and shoves him back.

“Don’t… you… fucking.. Dare!…..”

His back hits the wall as she begins to hit him he tries to embrace her to keep her from hitting him but he fails.

“ Stop it… Jordan… Stop… I SAID STOP!!.”

Jordan looks at Ethan and she can see tears taking over as his eyes start to glisten as he tries to embrace her; she takes a step back as he takes another step and she slaps him.

“ Go hell Ethan Ramsey…”

Jordan gathers her suitcase and makes her way for the door she stops and she grabs the key ring she takes off his key to the apartment and tosses them to the side

After Jordan leaves the apartment she makes her way towards the elevator to exit the building. As she leaves Ethan’s apartment building she sits on the steps on the brink of tears she sits there for a brief moment. She lifts her head back up, wipes her tears, and calls for a car to take her back to her apartment.

Once she arrives at the apartment her friends notice her walking in. and Sienna is quick to notice that she’d been crying.

“Jordan what happened!? Why do you have a suitcase with you?”

Everyone looks at her confused wondering the same thing, but they don’t push or pester her with what happened. Bryce walks up and he wraps her into a big hug and she cries against him.

“ What did he do? and am I going to be pissed off about it”

All he hears is her sniffling and he slowly sways with her and a second later Elijah, Jackie, Raf, Sienna, and Aurora come up and join in with them.

Jordan pulls away and she wipes away her tears as she looks down as everyone surrounds her. They all looked concerned for her and Sienna rubs her back gently as she tries to calm down.

“ I… I don’t want to talk… about it… please”

She goes to walk away when Sienna stops her, and she hugs her.

“Please tell us what happened, Jordan were here for you no matter what”

She bites her lip and she sniffles again, she grabs her duffel bag and quietly makes her way back to her old room, and shuts the door behind her.

As Jordan enters her room she shuts the door behind her and locks it. She drops her duffle on the floor and makes her way towards her bed. Jordan lays in the center of her bed curled into a ball and she begins to cry. Wondering where she went wrong, wondering how it happened, and wondering why she wasn't good enough. She continues to cry until sleep starts to take over.

The next morning Jordan was woken up by a loud knock on the door. She gets startled and grabs her pillow and places it over her head. The knocking continues and Jordan groans. “Go Away!” She tries her hardest to go back to sleep but the persistent knocking continues. Finally, she sits up, hair a mess, eyes puffy, she gets up and makes her way to the door. The knocking continues and finally, she swings the door open. “ I said-“ she looks up and standing in front of her is a familiar tall slender figure. Her eyes go wide when she sees Ethan standing in front of her. He stands there looking down to the floor, his hands in his pockets. He looks like he didn’t sleep all night either, he looks a mess just as she does. Jordan looks at him and she goes to shut the door on him when he puts his foot out and the door stops halfway.

“What do you want….”

She looks down and bites the inside of her cheek. He looks at her and he sniffles a bit. She looks away and he finally moves his foot from the door frame. Jordan raises a brow and quickly shuts the door in his face. Ethan sighs and he composes himself. He knocks again on her bedroom door and yet she still doesn’t answer.

“Jordan open the door please..”

Ethan goes from knocking to banging on her door. Finally, her door goes flowing open and Jordan stands on the other side glaring at him.

“Stop with the banging….. what the hell do you want… and how did you get in…”

Ethan looks at her and his eyes start to floss over, he looks at her and he can see the damage he caused. He didn’t mean to hurt her. He had no other choice, Bloom had the upper hand. Now it’s up to Ethan to explain it all to her. In hopes, she can realize he did it because he loves her, not because he wanted to hurt her. As Ethan continues to stand there looking at her she starts to sniffle again. She goes to shut the door once more and he steps forward.

“Sienna, she let me in… also I was wondering if we can grab some coffee…You deserve an explanation for last night….”

In a flash, Jordan slaps Ethan and he clenches his jaw. He rubs his cheek and he looks back at her. He slowly nods as she glares at him.

“I don’t want to hear your sorry ass excuses!…. You can go home, or go run off to a third world country for all I care… go to hell and leave me alone….”

Ethan stands there silent and he looks down, he goes to take a step forward towards her, and she inches back.

“Sweetheart, please…. Just hear me out… I never meant to hurt you…”

Jordan shakes her head and takes another step back into her room as Ethan takes a step forward. She tries to shove him out but he won’t move.

“Get out!…. Go away!…. Go to hell!…. I hate you!…. I hate you!!. I FUCKING HATE YOU!….”

Jordan swats are him as he stands there and she slowly falls to the ground and she begins to cry. Ethan’s eyes water as he sees her sit on the ground crying he goes to take a step forward when he hears a voice behind him.

“What the hell are you doing here!”

Ethan turns around and he sees Bryce looking at him. They stare each other down and Bryce gets closer to Ethan, almost trying to intimidate him. Bryce hears Jordan sniffling and he sees she’s on the ground; he goes to rush over to her and Ethan gets in the way.

“You stay the hell away from her! You’ve caused her enough pain time and time again. She doesn’t want you here so do her a favor and leave before I decide to kick your ass, Ramsey”

They continue to have a stare-off, Bryce looks back at Ethan, neither of them backing down. Bryce takes a step forward and is about to grab him by his collar when they both see Kordan standing between them. She has her arms out to both of them trying to keep them fighting. She looks at Bryce and then back at Ethan.

“Jordan, please…. I just want to talk…”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you man, what part of that don’t you get”

Jordan looks at Ethan and her bottom lip begins to quiver. She wipes her tears away from her eyes and she sees Bryce take a step closer. She gently shoved him back and she glared at him.

“You want to talk…. Fine… we do it here… but whatever you have to say…. You can say it in front of my friends….”

Ethan looks at her and he nods. Jordan turns back to look at Bryce but he doesn't look in her direction. Glaring Bryce slowly walks away and heads to the living room, Sienna slowly walks up and she looks down as Jordan gives her a look.

“I’m sorry for letting him in, you can stay mad at me if you want, but his reasoning is a good one. You need to hear him out”

Jordan looks back over at Ethan, his head hangs low and he nods as their eyes meet. Jordan bites the inside of her cheek hoping she made the right decision. She sighs and she wipes her tears away. She turns to go towards her bedroom, but she feels a hand gently tugging on her wrist before she can enter. She looks back and sees Ethan holding onto her. She gives him a weak smile and she pulls her hand back towards him. She makes her way back into her slowly shutting the door behind her.

Once she's in her room, Jordan shuts the door behind her and she slums against it. She buries her face in her knees and she softly cries hoping if Ethan is on the other side he won't hear her. After a few minutes of sitting on the floor, Jordan stands up and walks towards the mirror in her room. She looks at herself and she can see her face puffed up, her eyes are red and puffy, along with her nose. She sniffles as she fixes her hair putting it into a high messy bun, then proceeds to change into sweats and a hoody. A few moments later she opens her door from her room and Ethan looks up at her as he leans against the wall facing her door, She looks at him and she goes to make her way towards the living room when she stops to look at him.

“This reason of yours better be good…. Otherwise, I'm gone Ethan, do you hear me….. I'm gone… “

Ethan looks at her and his heart starts to race, he's not sure if it's the anxiety that scares him or the fact she said she'd be gone if his reasoning wasn't good enough. Hell, maybe it was both that scares him. He's unsure but what he does know is that he plans on making sure she stays in Boston and he plans on making sure he can get her back. Ethan slowly follows Jordan to the living room where all the roomies, Bryce and Raf await. Ethan looks a bit nervous due to all the glares he's getting but he wants to make it right. Better yet he has to make it right.

Ethan takes a deep breath as he sits down on the sofa, he turns to look at Jordan and she raises a brow as she sits across from him. His mind starts to wonder, as he tries to figure out the right way to say it. In hopes, she'll believe him about Bloom's ultimatum so he decides to go for it in hopes she’ll believe him.

“ I never meant to hurt you in any way, I want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you…”

Jordan looks at Ethan and she can see his eyes start to gloss over, she sits there as she patiently waits for him to continue but he takes a moment to choose his next words cautiously. He’s about to proceed when he’s interrupted

“You’re seriously not going to listen to this Bullshit, are you? You never meant to hurt her! But yet here we are you keep doing it,”

Ethan looks up at Bryce as he stands behind Jordan, she quickly turns around to look at him. She raises a brow and gives him a look he notices and he walks away and leaves the apartment. Jordan turns her attention back to Ethan.

“I thought we were fine?... What happened?... I don’t understand what I did wrong”

Ethan looks at her and he gives her a half-smile and he nods he gently strokes her cheek with the back of his hand.

“You did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong we were doing good, Excellent in fact”

“Then what was it?...”

Jordan looks down and she sniffles a little bit, she goes to get up when Aurora hands her a box of kleenex. She looks over and softly smiles at her as she takes the box Aurora nods and gives her shoulder a small squeeze.

“Bloom, that’s what happened”

Everyone looks at each other puzzled by what they heard. Jordan included that she looks at Ethan and he’s looking down. She feels a hand on her shoulder as she looks up and Sienna gives her a small nod in agreement as to what Ethan is saying.

“Bloom? Why would Leland Bloom be behind this?”

Elijah looks at Ethan then back at the group they all shrug as they patiently wait for him to continue. Jordan looks down as Ethan waits for Jordan to respond when she doesn’t take the initiative to proceed.

“Bloom, came into my office last night and gave me an ultimatum, he knows about us and he was willing to use you against me. Your job was on the line… I wanted to protect you. I thought I was doing the right thing…. I didn’t plan on hurting you hurting us… for that matter... But when he said he’d go after your job, all because we can’t cure his wife he put me in that predicament… I know I should have told you… I know I could’ve handled it better…. But trust me when I say this I never meant to hurt you… and I mean it from the bottom of my heart..”

Jordan gets up and she starts to pace back and forth. Everyone sits quietly just looking at her waiting for her to either say or do something but instead she stops and looks out the window.

“Who knew Bloom would stoop so low, just because he can’t be happy with his wife doesn’t mean it’s okay for him to keep others from being happy.”

Elijah and the group all share the same look they look at Ethan as he looks at Jordan. He slowly gets up and walks over to her; he gently wraps his arms around her and kisses her temple. A tear rolls down her cheek and he notices he turns to look at her and she looks down. He places a finger under her chin bringing her face up so she can look at him.

“ I promise you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart this was never my intention. I never wanted this for us… I hope now that I told you… hopefully, you understand why I did it.”

She looks at him and she goes to speak but instead, she doesn’t she walks away from him as she looks back out the window.

“You still should have told me what was going on… I would’ve understood had you told me... Now we need to figure where to go from here… what do we do? Better yet, what do you want to do…?”

Ethan stands there looking at her as he shrugs not knowing what to do, Along with Jordan who has no idea what to do also. Everyone sits in silence as they continue to stare at both Ethan and Jordan.

“ I say screw Bloom, you guys come up with a game plan to keep it professional at work and keep the communication to a minimum unless it’s work-related.”

“Basically what Sienna means is pretend to hate Ethan and make his life hell”

Jackie looks at Jordan and shrugs as she smiles at her Jordan shakes her head disagreeing but she knows it’s probably best to put up a front for bloom.

“Okay then, at work we keep it strictly professional, and outside of work we…”

“We?’

“We keep it as we should together just you and I, in our little happy bubble. I’m not happy about this... But it’s only for the time being… I promise you I plan on making this right.”

Jordan looks at Ethan and she can see that he's sincere and his words are genuine. Instead of hesitating like she did before she looks at him as he looks at her and gives her a look that makes her heart beat faster than anything in the world.

“I'm holding you to it, I don't like this one bit…. But it'll give us a chance to lay low and find out what bloom is up to… In the meantime, you're forgiven... But do that again without telling me and we are done so fast that I'll transfer elsewhere. Understood”

Ethan chuckles and he slowly brings Jordan in for a kiss she pulls away but he tightens his grip around her waist bringing her closer. She smiles as she rests her forehead against his.

“I love you sweetheart”

Jordan giggles as she wraps her arms around his neck and she buries her face in his chest. He kisses the top of her head and he tucks a few strands of hair behind her ear.

“ Impossible, but I love you too”

[roselen-mylady]

In Another Life

Bucky Barnes x reader ° part nine

Summary: Waiting 88 years to find your soulmate? It was cruel. But it was a cruel fate Bucky would have to face whether he accepted it or not. Bucky was a tortured man all his life and he wasn't even granted the solace of having his soulmate at his side. All he had was the promise of one in another life. They were separated by two different times.

But the pain in their lives were connected.

Y/n had been alone ever since she could remember. All she could depend on was the soulmate that was destined to be at her side. Yet when the snap occured she lost him.

And Bucky never got to meet her.

After a successful run of the machine, Clint was a firm believer in time travel. Though he had only briefly visited the past, hearing his daughter's voice for a moment had locked in his devotion. Tony, Rocket and Y/n all shared a mutual relief and joy from such a break in science yet their celebration couldn't last long. 

With the time travel machine completed, the team they had managed to pull together gathered to come up with a plan. Finding the infinity stones, something Y/n had taken upon herself to study the past few weeks, was difficult especially when they had to find an exact moment in which that stone was accessible.

They spent hours talking to one another about what they knew about the stones. It was frustrating not having all the information and they even found themselves strung out across the floor or furniture in thought. 

"Guys, what about New York?" Y/n questioned, laying with her head on Nat's stomach while Tony was at her side. 

"Wait, yeah. Pick the right year and there are three stones in New York." Nat agreed. Tony shifted beside Y/n making her groan as she involuntarily moved to accommodate him. 

"Shut the front door." Bruce gasped, peeking up at them from the ground. Y/n looked up at Nat sharing a proud smirk with her as the two men discussed the discovery. 

Eventually they figured out a plan, one that got them all the stones. Steve, Tony, Bruce and Scott would go back to the Battle of New York in 2012 to get the Time stone, Tesseract and Scepter. Nebula, Rhodey, Nat and Clint would travel to 2014 to get the Orb in Morag as well as the Soul Stone in Vormir. Y/n wasn't sure where that was but she was grateful she didn't have to go to such a menacing sounding place. Thor and Rocket opted to go to Asgard in 2013 to extract the Aether from a woman named Jane Foster. All the while, Y/n would stay in case something went wrong so she could bring them back. 

The GPS tech Tony had made was given to each member and when activated it gave them suits able to withstand time and space. After a little tinkering with Tony she managed to help give each suit its own quality which matched the wearer but all sported the famous Avengers symbol. That she made sure of. 

"Five years ago, we lost. All of us. We lost friends...we lost family…we lost soulmates...we lost a part of ourselves. Today, we have a chance to take it all back." Steve began, sharing a short glance with Tony then Y/n. She was nervous. So painfully nervous. If this went wrong, they had nothing to lose anyways. This wasn't what worried her, however. What if they did succeed? What if her soulmate came back? Was she ready for that? 

"You know your teams, you know your missions. Get the stones, get them back. One round trip each. No mistakes. No do-overs. Most of us are going somewhere we know. But it doesn't mean we should know what to expect. Be careful. Look out for each other. This is the fight of our lives. And we're gonna win." Y/n watched from the control panel as they all formed a circle on the machine. 

She had heard speeches from him before but never one quite like that. Saving people brought out another side of him, one she admired greatly. 

"Whatever it takes. Good luck." Steve said, sharing a look with Tony. They were friends in that moment and they allowed themselves to put their past behind them. 

"He's pretty good at that." Rocket nodded in approval, earning a thrilled nod from Scott. 

"Right?" Scott exclaimed, unable to contain his excitement. Steve sighed giving the two a stern look but Y/n knew he was only embarrassed. She shot him a playful wink, smiling at the grin that appeared on his face from it. 

"All right. You heard the man. Stroke those keys, shrink." Tony called over to Y/n. She shook her head, giving him a short glare to which he only chuckled. 

"Trackers engaged." Y/n announced. Tony gave her a nod and she couldn't help but feel a little pride. She had never thought she'd meet her idol let alone become so close with him. And though he'd never admit it, she could tell he'd grown used to her presence during their weeks together. 

"You promise to bring that back in one piece, right?" Rocket said suddenly, eyeing Clint threateningly. Clint's face was pale and he obviously seemed nervous with what they were doing as he stared down at the shrunken Benatar in his hand. 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll do my best." Clint said, giving Rocket a forced reassuring smile. Rocket seemed unconvinced as he crossed his arms. 

"As promises go, that was pretty lame." He mumbled, looking over at Y/n to back him up. She offered him a shrug, double checking projections of the controls. 

"See you in a minute." Nat joked to Steve, an excited smile falling on her lips. She was the happiest Y/n had ever seen her now that there was a chance of bringing everyone back. The whole plan had brought everyone together and made them hopeful and Y/n refused to think about what would happen if it didn't work. It had to.

The team allowed their helmets to come forward, each with a matching expression of anxiety yet determination. They had all felt responsible for the death of the world but they were certain they'd fix it no matter what. And from her point of view, it terrified her. If there was one thing Y/n knew, it was that desperation made people do dire things. 

"Good luck." They all activated their trackers and Y/n pressed the green button to send them off. Each shrunk and disappeared into the platform of the machine, leaving Y/n alone. She shifted her gaze to the timer beside the button as it counted down from 60 seconds. 

The minute was agonizing as she watched the small dots of where her friends were through their trackers. It was horrible just being able to watch and hope that nothing happened to them. 

As it reached the final few seconds she realized that was the case as Steve and Tony jumped to 1970 making her heart stop for a moment. What was she supposed to do? Could she bring them back from the control panel? Had they run out of fuel?

Thankfully, all her panicked thoughts washed away as the group returned, noticing Steve and Tony among them with a sigh of relief. But by looking up she missed the blinking red light where Nat's tracker once was. 

The machine powered down and they retracted their suits, looking around at one another for the stones. Y/n let out an airy laugh, glancing down at the control panel to shut it off but the single light made her heart stop. It blinked slowly sending an overwhelming amount of despair through her as the room was filled with excited and even disbelieving comments. 

"Did we get them all?" Bruce questioned, looking around at their hands. Most were quiet after going back in time but as Y/n looked up at Clint she realized he'd been quiet for a different reason. 

"You telling me this'll actually work?" Rhodey asked, scoffing at how the insane plan was actually coming together. Yet no one answered him as Y/n walked over onto the platform, pacing toward Clint. 

"Clint, where's Nat?" Y/n demanded, her voice trembling. The fear in her tone sent the same dread the two felt through everyone else and they all stared at where Nat once stood in dismay. Clint fell to his knees, his expression numb and his eyes red. 

She couldn't be gone. There was still so much Y/n hadn't said. So much she hadn't thanked her friend for. There were too many good things that Nat still deserved. But she was gone. 

"Where is she?" Y/n asked, once more, tears stinging at the corners of her eyes.

Everyone knew what had happened even if Clint refused to speak. Tears fell down Y/n's cheeks and she turned away, finding Steve at her side to pull her into his arms. She cried softly into his chest, hearing Bruce behind her fall to his own knees and pound a fist into the machine. 

•••

It took a very long time before Y/n or Clint spoke again. Though Y/n hadn't known Nat as long as Clint had, Nat had been one of the only people Y/n had left. If this worked, Clint could have his family back but Y/n would still only have the people in that room. And even they had lives they'd return to. 

As Y/n sat there on the dock listening to the soft sound of water as it peacefully splashed, she realized why she should've never helped. Everytime she tried to help, something went wrong. Everytime she tried to be something she wasn't, someone lost their life. She couldn't do this anymore. 

She'd sat through the discussion they'd had about Nat and how she'd given her life for the stone. It wasn't fair but Y/n knew Nat made the choice. She did exactly what Y/n had feared and she felt like an idiot for letting Nat go. She could've said something. 

Once they'd left, Y/n stayed behind knowing she wouldn't be able to face anyone for a while. She'd dealt with loss before and from a psychiatrist standpoint she usually handled it exceedingly well. But this time was different.

"Hey." Steve spoke softly, sitting beside her. She didn't reply but Steve anticipated this, allowing her to sit quietly. 

"You know it's not your fault. Nat made a choice." Steve said, trying to give her a little solace. Y/n shook her head, groaning at how much guilt weighed down on her. 

"No, it is my fault. Nat's life ended when the snap happened, I should've known she would've done anything to fix it." Y/n said, wiping her eyes hastily. Steve cautiously put his hand on her shoulder, having never seen her like this. It was awful seeing someone he had watched help hundreds of people, himself included, break before him. It felt awful being unable to do anything to help her in return. 

"There's no way you could've known." He murmured his voice barely above a hurt whisper. She shook her head again, standing up suddenly and pointing to her chest. 

"I did, though. Deep down I knew but I was so caught up in being a hero for you and everyone else, I forgot to do the only thing I'm good for! I can't do this, Steve!" She cried. As much as she fought it, her tears returned out of frustration, these burning down her raw cheeks.  

Steve believed in her and that's why he wanted her to stay but she had crumbled under the pressure and now Nat was dead. She couldn't be the hero he and Nat wanted her to be and she refused to jeopardize the plan with her presence. 

"I'm leaving. I'm sorry but I just can't do this anymore." She said void of emotion as she pushed past him to walk off the dock. Steve stood, his heart racing and his eyes watering as he watched her storm off. He wanted to apologize, say anything to make her stay. He had dragged her into this afterall. 

But something she said had stopped him. 

"I never asked you to be a hero." He blurted making her freeze dead in her tracks. Her blood ran cold and she slowly turned to him, confusion creased in her brow. 

"What?" She questioned, not daring to look back. Steve took a cautious step forward, his own brow furrowing as he tried to piece together what she had said moments before. 

"I never asked you to be a hero, I just asked you to be there for me." Y/n flinched, realizing what she had said. Then her promise to Nat resurfaced. The last thing Nat had asked of her was to tell Steve of her past. And she couldn't even do that. 

"Forget it." 

"No. Please, Y/n. What have you been hiding? There's so much about you I don't know and I never asked because I trust you but I need to know now." Steve demanded, staring at her back as she refused to turn to him. "You're one of the last people I have left, I have to know I can trust you!" Steve pleaded. 

It was too late now, Y/n knew that. Steve was set on getting an answer and he was never one to give up. But she desperately needed him to. Her past was terrible, sure, but there was so much that came with it. 

Did she only become his friend because she was SHIELD once? Was he a mission? Did she even care about him? These were questions she knew he would ask and she couldn't bare to lose him because he believed that yet again someone close to him was only close because he was a job. 

"You can trust me!" She insisted but it went through one ear and out the other. 

"Prove it. Tell me the truth." Steve begged. "What was so horrible that you have to bury it all inside? What are you so afraid of?!" 

That was the last straw. The thread she'd been clinging to snapped and she now fell into the despair and guilt that had consumed her all those years ago.

"You wanna know about my past?!" She snapped, turning to face him. "I was naive and righteous! I was smart, so smart that I thought I could be a hero too!" Y/n shouted, frustrated tears welling in her eyes. "I joined SHIELD and worked with Fury to become the next generation of avengers. I trained and worked and fought to be like you! To be a hero! But you know what it got me?!" The question was harsh and Steve flinched at it. He'd never seen her erupt like this before. Never saw her break or scream until her lungs were sore. 

She was done. Done hiding, done running. She was tired of hating who she was. Tired of being unable to forgive the mistakes of a child. 

Steve was silent. It was a lot to process, she knew that but his silence unsettled her. There was no set response she was expecting from him but no response at all was definitely not something she foresaw or wanted. She wanted him to yell back. To hate her for keeping it all from him. Or even to demand she leave. Anything but silence. 

"I put a target on my back and those I loved. My brain was used for HYDRA without my knowledge and when I was finished, they killed my family and tried to take me." She finished, tears rolling down her cheeks in a pitiful way. It was weak and pathetic but she couldn't help it. Not once had she ever confessed the full truth before. Never had she unleashed everything that ate her up inside. 

"They sent their favorite assassin that day, the day I lost everything. I nearly died." She confessed, her voice on the verge of breaking as sobs racked her shoulders.

Not a word was spoken but he moved. He stepped forward, grabbing hold of her and pulling her to him. There was more silence. But she was okay with it this time. Steve had said a lot in his lifetime. But with Y/n actions spoke louder than words. So that was what he did. 

And in that simple hug he was able to tell her it was alright. The guilt and shame she'd felt towards herself was enough and honestly Steve didn't feel the same. He felt sad. Sad for her. 

"Who did HYDRA send?" 

He hadn't meant to ask. It was the least appropriate time to do so but it had been drilling into his skull since she'd first mentioned the organization he'd been fighting all his life. 

He needed to know. To confirm what she'd told him, even if he feared the truth she'd offer. 

"The Winter Soldier."

Part ten

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Hey guys! I'm not dead and sorry for not updating this for so long! I've been so busy working on my other book and I finally found motivation to work on this one so I hope you enjoy🤟 Comment if you wanna be added to the taglist

[svft2jae]

[6:30PM]

"these verses are for you, my angel

whose been the reason love has turned so heavenly to me

to you, a unique one many would tell as complicated

but who deserves to be loved, treasured in the same intensity

yes, you've came to be

the purest feeling i own, my only certainty

that shines in my eyes every time im honored to hear

your magnificent voice,

the only door

to the world i see."

for the third time through this rainy evening you recite the last line of the sketch in your hands, right then pressing it against your chest. at this point, fight the bitter knot of anxiety in top of your throat was almost like a torment, when after so long you had finally come to reify, or more specifically in romantic rhymes, everything you kept inside yourself for the only person who made all the love songs finally have sense, especially when you'd hear them resonating like honey drops in tunes sung out of your beloved's lips. almost immediately as you looked back at the writing between your fingers there you could already bring to mind all of his details such as the way his bright, almond eyes closed filled with emotions every time he gave in to singing, even if only by quiet notes like hummings while preparing something in the kitchen — yes, everything that meant doyoung, from his broad shoulders to his strong personality that you ended up learning to love albeit being so different from yours, every memory tinted by his colors once again flashed back behind your eyelids as if they were already another part of yours, making you forget any sadness or weight, except for a simple one which always kept bringing your feet back to the floor of reality.

with that you take a deep breath and pushed the white material away buried deep in your jacket's pocket, resting your head which suddenly seemed to become as heavy as a rice package against the front door of the apartment him and your long-time best friend mark shared, being it the last thing to separate you from the no return decision of confessing all those feelings taking over you for so long. little by little together to all the memories gradually a flood of questions came back as well to your mind, among them the clear words once told by mark, the same ones that ever since made your throat burn and nights go by without you being able to sleep, every day at the same time your insides grew filled with love.

"you and doyoung are pretty much in the same age difference as both my friends taeil and hyuck. that's a bit complicated, since you can't just predict someone's feelings. he can might not see things like you do, y/n."

you remember it this way what the older one said at the last afternoon when you had asked him for advices, his kind expression a little worried as he lowered his guitar to meet your blank staring face right then. not that you hadn't ever thought of such a possibility, but over time, over how much you saw him when he often visited your theater group rehearsals with mark and his other classmates, amid the jokes and laughs you exchanged at breaks, over the times he learned to call you by your name by the frequent study afternoons mark brought you in, and even the so precious conversations between you two as you'd offer to help him in the kitchen or when tidying up the rooms, such times like these you'd remember so fondly, as well sometimes when he'd sing out a snippet of his favorite songs after you and your best friend asked so much — with all these little things you ended up considering such idea to seem like fading along to the anguish it brought, not that it'd somehow come back heavier than never, the way a sharp material would feel right against them.

however in the end of all of this, it did. while you now insisted on swallowing the fresh, single tears already beginning to roll down your humid cheeks, molds of insecurity and fear hurting the pit of your stomach like never before, you still try anyway to make your feet to rush away, yet no answer came from your own body besides to remain there, waiting for any impulse of courage which could might raise up from your heart. but when you'd finally swallow it all and decide for leaving, the door moves behind your back catching you by surprise, electricity running to your ears as the person behind it tries to open it once more.

"y/n...?" just so you hear doyoung's velvety voice hitting your hair through the small gap he had managed to open without your body's block, a tone of confusion and clear concern in it. "what happened? mark said you two weren't going to study today."

he speaks again, but all earned is another silence. on weak knees and with no other choice you just turn to the taller one behind you, planning to apologize for the inconvenience and then retreat as soon as possible if it wasn't for the way your puffy, teary eyes met his through the small space, making his own surprised enough to see you like this.

"what happened?" almost like an inaudible whisper doyoung repeats, his tone now much sweeter and closer as his thin fingers reaches through the gap to take yours. still not able to make up any action you let out a small sob in response to his touch, just as, unbeknownst to you or to your own control one, two, three other drops once again roll down, making the dark haired in front of you raise his other hand to pull open the door completely, but soon being interrupted by yours, holding it to stay in the same place. gradually you took the folded paper out of your pocket, and instead of anything else you might think of doing, handed it to doyoung, your chest still stinging though as resigned as you were and closed the door for a moment, leaving it to him so he'd read all he had to read up that little white material containing so many dreams and emotions as impossible as any chance you'd ever have in such an uncertain place as by his side.

"what am i doing.."

a few minutes later as your feet were once again struggling to move to no more coming back you feel the door slowly open, one more beat slipping off your pulsations as you see doyoung for the first time sniffle without it being because of an onion, his eyes sparkling beneath his glowing brown bangs like small teary bits of the starry sky with the light frown his eyebrows expressed, all while he stared at you as if he wanted to say something but didn't have enough breath to, holding the paper steady on his fingers.

"that was, the most beautiful thing i've ever received in my life." he said softly out the way he felt his heart utterly touched, as one more little drop scapes your lids, making you wipe it off with the sleeve of your jacket almost reflexively.

"the most beautiful thing i ever received was once meeting you."

another silence breaks out on either sides of the small opening. no matter how hard you'd push yourself against it and your feelings still struggled to wait for what would come, what since the beginning always was the biggest risk of it all each passing second kept to hurt even more, the same fate which would put a point to all the amazing things that you secretly felt for so long, and right it was seeming to consume you there in front of doyoung, without any more turns. but still you just held it all, out of sudden hearing the pull of the door and turn your gaze to the who was a bit little closer, his niveous face resting against the bar of wood.

"i need some time. i need to understand all of this i'm feeling. i've already been hurted a lot, and this, this is the first time anyone has shown me such affection. i still don't know how to correspond you."

you remember it this way each of his words, that quickly got stuck one by one over the material inside your chest. how to ever forget them, if so right after as the days went by yet heartbreak insisted on getting itself a place they kept still vivid in countless wonders amongst your thoughts everytime you'd see yourself locking eyes with doyoung again, when mark would be there like how he showed up in the moment you first heard them, and no longer neither of you would act as always. with the memories of doyoung's so sincere words, of what could be actually hidden behind the reason they'd have, if maybe he was instead as hurt as you but more by what he's been living, if his own angelical tears meant so, all these new ideas being the only ones surrounding your nights nonetheless spent thinking of him, of the constant wish for his healing, before the pain of still no room to your feelings.

how would you hand everything to the gap, or give the love you had for it. he was the one you loved.

[thesagedahlia]

When I finished this reading, I cleansed & hopped right on YT, & guess what was recommended? Queennaija & Clarencenyc. But about what, you ask? About nearly everything I channeled in regards to their relationship. Well...if you guessed it already, there has been speculation around this couple & the legitimacy of their connection. OG fans of Queennaija have been cited as saying she isn't the same person she is now, verses the person she was with her ex, Chris Sails. Now, by no means were they defending (some were) that she was better with Chris, because they acknowledge the hurt he caused her, yet they couldn't shake the fact that there is a dynamic shift in her that Clarence caused; which, by the way, isn't favorable to the people who have noticed. To any Day 1 Queennaija fans that have noticed the change in her, & have felt iffy about her relationship with Clarence lately, I think this may be some tea worth sipping 👀☕

**DISCLAIMER**

I am not declaring, nor am I insinuating, that anything I say in my predictions are true accounts of any of the parties involved. This reading is for entertainment purposes only, & should only taken as such. All in good fun, folks 🤷🏾‍♀️🧿

💘 Energy surrounding their union?

From what I'm seeing, there are some oppositions taking place with them. In their synastry, they had a few more favorable aspects than karmic, the conflict & emotional pain was present. In the cards, these differences are coming up to the surface that seems to threaten the connection. I'm picking up that (& their synastry points to this too) Clarence is not as emotional as Queen, & he may even be a little spiteful in their relationship. I'm seeing a decision(s) that would compromise their commitment to one another. Clarence seems to be putting his emotions in an unknown place (he may be indulging in vices), & he could be in a materialistic mindset, only focused on what he can get out of the relationship. I'm getting he may travel a lot, thus spending much time away from Queen. I'm also getting the she is in her head alot about the relationship. She is also thinking about financial possibilities available to her, individually. She figures it is best to focus on her own talent & her own bag. Their commitment is going through some trials & tribulations, & it could have much to do with some secrets or information being uncovered. There is betrayal that I keep picking up on, & it can have something to do with his money hunger. There is an adjacent possibility where Queen decides to leave the relationship, & doing it privately. This relationship had karmic lessons in it for the both of them, & the only way Queen will find balance & peace is by moving away from Clarence.

💘 Clarence's feelings toward Queen?

I sense a need to master what is in his heart space. He's not coming off as much of an emotional person here, but needing to be able to see clarity in letting things flow the way they're supposed to. I'm also picking up that there is a possible 'other woman' that Queen may want some clarity about (someone he may interact with socially). Whether he is guilty of this or not, it doesn't help that he is always on the move. He's refusing to see that the relationship is running its course, & a decision isn't being made, & that is turning the relationship on its head. He spends a lot of time away, & is keeping things from her (namely a fire sign female, who doesn't have to be a fire sign though displays those qualities, or an a attractive female). He is the type to get his freedom when things aren't going right in the relationship, & detach. He may be reconsidering things about the way he feels or expresses himself emotionally, & he is needing to go within & master his heart space; but he is refusing to see this as the problem standing between them. He may be reconsidering his relationship with the fire sign woman (we'll call her the Queen Of Wands; QOW, cause we ain't done with shordie) to some extent, as well, for whatever reason, but as far as Queen, he's an opportunist.

💘 Queen's feelings toward Clarence?

I'm seeing that, as a couple, there are certain things that are unclear, &/or hidden from her. She loves Clarence, but she feels hopeless in trying to put in effort for commitment between them. I feel like she is well aware of QOW, or that there may be someone else he is occupying his time with; I feel like she has an idea. She may be feeling like her efforts aren't enough to keep the relationship in tact. She wants to confront him about the obvious changes in their relationship & she is very much in her head about it. Right now, their relationship seems like it is stagnant, as it is showing them not around each other as much. I think her focus is beginning to be more geared towards her career, though she is delaying the decision to move away from Clarence & the relationship. As a mother, she feels as though she needs to move away from what is is keeping her imbalanced. She feels as though he is egotistical & too focused on materialistic things, which has changed her entire perspective of their relationship. She feels like she should move on, since they continue to be at odds.

💘 What lies in the future for their union?

At this point, the only thing keep their relationship together (using that term loosely) is the actual confrontation about their conflicts & addressing his possible transgressions, & Queen is in a lot of thinking toward it. I feel the reason she is holding back is because she is in love with him, & walking away won't be that easy for her. From what I see, things will be back & forth for a while before the cycle ends & they each go their separate ways. Queen is stalling this decision, yet is cognizant of where it's going & is thinking about it heavily; though her heart is a lot in the way. QOW is still in the chat here, & this may sound farfetched, but I'm picking up a possible pregnancy. Either that, or this woman will become a more prominent figure/block to this situation that has ended up having the upper hand. There is anxiety & worrisome thoughts surrounding this speculation/person, but karmic balance will take place within this third party situation, & I see them continuing to be at odds within the home. Queen knows that leaving the relationship is the best option for her & her baby, but she is aware of the opposition that comes with it. As of right now, no official decision has been made on her part, but she is citing to be strong against strife & antagonism.

💘 BONUS: Who could this QOW be?

Just as expected, this QOW energy has caused disruption in this connection. But she feels like she someone who knows Clarence from a social setting or mutual friend. Not only that, they seem to be in contact regularly. She may be having a pregnancy scare, which may be why things seem like they will come to light. She is aware of the deception she & Clarence caused for Queen, & she thinks things with him went too far. It is possible that she is also worried about her finances. She is seeing this as an ample opportunity to gain financially, & it is possible he has financially supported her before, or currently is. Though she regrets things, a passion is ignited here. She may feel a real destined connection, or she believes this was supposed to happen for her, though the challenges & obstacles are apparent. She wants compensation for her troubles, so she may resort to blackmail in some way. If he doesn't accommodate her, she plans on exposing everything; she is analyzing this situation to use it to her advantage. This may be why things have been quiet this whole time, because she's been compensated so far. She knows, however, the longer she entertains this, or the deeper into this they become, it will be more conflicting challenges, but she is going along with it, so long as this continues to be an opportunity for her.

Alternative/Post Theories:

Clarence is controlling & manipulative to Queen

QOW may be an accomplice to Clarence (maybe his sister) who is profiting off of their relationship & the pregnancy I picked up was the child Queen & Clarence have together & that being her meal ticket.

Queen is staying in this relationship because she is afraid of how it will look in the public; she doesn't want to be embarrassed by a man again.

Queen is aware that Clarence may have ulterior motives & may have fallen out of love, but there is still a controlling aspect that is keeping her in this situation.

🗣CLARENCE IS WITH QUEEN FOR THE CLOUT (they'd do anything, remember that)

[decandantfics]

When You Need Me - Part 2

                                      You are Not Alone

The following day, after getting a grand total of 4 hours of restless sleep, Dec was taciturn and grumpy, silently picking at his breakfast while his mam tried again and again to bring him out of his shell. Finally giving up on his food, Dec decided to at least drink the strong tea his mam had handed him – he needed something to wake him up, after all – and mumbled that he was going out on the back deck for a bit. Settling down in a deck chair, Dec's mind wandered as he took in the tranquility of the morning. He loved his mam to bits, but she could get a bit smothering at times. And he appreciated her attempts at helping him, counseling him, but in his current exhausted, totally stressed out state, she wasn't really doing him any favors by constantly bringing up everything he'd come here to try to forget.

Hearing a ping on his phone notifying him of a work email arriving in his inbox, Dec pulled his phone out of his trouser pocket, eyeing it suspiciously. It was an email from Georgia, their talent manager. Dec frowned. The management team knew he was on vacation, and they wouldn't normally bother him unless something important was happening. Placing his tea on the wooden slats of the deck, he hesitantly opened the email, a nervous dread pooling in his belly. Only to immediately let out a stressed sigh as he saw a short message from Georgia followed by an attached story from The Sun.

"Hate to bother you while on vacay, but thought you ought to know the tabloids are starting to get hold of rumours. We might not be able to hide this much longer. G x"

Underneath was a link to an article....Although the urge to just smash his phone to the ground was strong, Dec forced himself to open the hyperlink – already knowing what he would find – and was immediately faced with multiple photos of Ant, Anne-Marie, and her two daughters, paired with a headline about Ant looking "happy and relaxed" while out shopping with a "female pal." Laying his phone on his thigh with a trembling hand, Dec rubbed at his eyes for a moment, his anxiety level rising, before lifting his phone again and starting to meticulously study the photos of Ant.

It felt like ages since he'd last seen Ant, while in fact it had only been a week. He just couldn't get used to this whole "not living down the road from each other" concept. He hated being so far away from Ant, and again his heart stung painfully when he remembered how Ant had explained he wanted to be closer to Anne-Marie. They'd always lived close by, he and Ant, and even though it had already been about a month since Ant moved, it was hard to wrap his mind around the fact that there was a half hour's drive separating them. He fully understood Ant's need to get away from the area where he'd built a life with Lisa – it was still quite awkward walking past what used to be Ant and Lisa's home – but still his smarting mind took it the wrong way, telling itself that Ant had moved away because Dec wasn't a good enough friend. That he hadn't been there for Ant, that Ant hated him for not realizing how much he was suffering, for being selfish and continuing on with their TV shows despite Ant's need for extended time away from the spotlight.

Deep down, Dec knew his mind was spewing lies at him, born of a deep-seated insecurity in his own worth. Ant could never hate him, he knew that, but still his mind could torture him with the possibility that Ant might hate him, and just was very good at pretending not to. Still studying the photos of Ant, Dec felt a spark of pride in his heart at how well he was doing. He was far from well, that much was obvious – he was still far too frail-looking for a start – but he already was loads better than he had been a few short months ago. Ant had been working so hard to make himself a better man, to get well, and Dec was extremely proud of him. At the end of the day, he honestly didn't care if they ever made a comeback on telly. That was the least of his worries.

Sighing despairingly, Dec finally closed the article – not having read a word of it – and typed out a brief reply to Georgia.

"Thanks. Just try to keep them off his back as long as possible. We can't have any setbacks. Dx"

Realistically, Dec knew it would be sooner rather than later that the news of Ant's new relationship would hit the headlines. But they had to try at least. He was terrified of the public's response to Ant's new romance, knowing it would not be pretty when everyone – Lisa included – found out about Ant and Anne-Marie. And more than anything, Dec was beyond scared of Ant suffering a major setback in his recovery if a new flood of hate and paparazzi/press attention came raining down on him. After the past year – from when news of Ant's addiction problems first broke in 2017, all the way through to now – Dec harbored a deep hatred of the press for the way they'd treated his best friend. He was also finding it extremely difficult to cope with their constant intrusion on him and Ali, but he hated them for what they'd done to Ant. And he honestly didn't know what he'd do if they caused him to suffer another relapse.

Any peace Dec had gained from the quiet of the morning had now gone, replaced by a feeling of intense dread and anxiety, paired with the ever-present ache in his heart at the absence of his friend from his life. They'd last spoken on Wednesday, five days ago now, and that had been a 5-minute phone conversation because Ant "had to go" but would be "in touch." Well, five days later, and not a word from him. Yet he clearly was out and about, having a fabulous time with Anne-Marie and her daughters. Jealousy and pain stung at Dec's heart, even though he tried hard not to let the green-eyed monster of envy rise within him. He was happy for Ant and Anne-Marie, he really was, but was it so much to ask for to just be able to spend some time with his best friend?

Deciding his current train of thought was getting him nowhere, Dec drained his mug of the rest of his cold tea, and trudged back inside, throwing himself onto the sitting room settee with an enormous sigh. The faint sounds of his mam singing in the shower upstairs brought a small smile to his face. She was such a strong woman, had such an indomitable spirit and giving heart. Was it any wonder everyone in town loved her? Pulling out his phone again, Dec sent a quick text to his brother Dermott, asking if it would be all right if he came over today. Receiving an affirmative reply within minutes, Dec settled back amongst the soft cushions to await his mother. He couldn't leave the house without telling her he was going out – he didn't want her to worry, after all – and figured he also ought to apologize for being so tetchy and uncommunicative at the breakfast table earlier that morning.

Eventually getting her blessing on his plans for the day – spend a quiet day at the church with Dermott, and visit the cemetery where his father was buried – Dec set off, hoping some prayer and quiet reflection might help to ease his tortured mind.

Dermott greeted him with a warm, lingering hug – the kind of hug you never wanted to end, as it spoke of deep love and acceptance – not saying much, just taking in his brother's haggard features, so different from the face of the consummate professional who had just finished a successful solo run on Britain's Got Talent only 8 days ago. Ushering his brother into the sanctuary, Dermott prepared to leave Dec to his own devices, imagining he had come here mainly for some solitude in which to reflect. To his great surprise, Dec grabbed at his arm when he turned to leave, urgently whispering, "Please pray with me?" his voice trembling, unsure.

So it was that Father Dermott and his brother Declan kneeled at the front of the church together, and spent a good half hour there while they prayed. Dermott was startled at one point during his impassioned plea to the Almighty on his brother's behalf to hear stifled sobs coming from his right side, but continued on as if he heard nothing, knowing Dec needed quiet acceptance of his emotions right now rather than worried questioning.

Dermott felt a paternal sort of care for both Dec and his best friend, being senior to them by several years, and it was hard to see them hurting so much right now. He prayed for them daily, asking God to give them strength to get through these troubled times. He knew through the Donnelly grapevine, not having really spoken to Ant or Dec recently, that Ant was getting better every day. But it was more than obvious now, looking at his little brother kneeling next to him – with head bowed and weary eyes closed – that the happenings of the past few months were tearing Dec apart. And Dermott was very concerned, far more than he would ever let on to Dec. This was his little brother, the same one he had given succor to over the years when he had struggled with problems in his personal life, and it was terrifying to see him so broken and lost.

Having ended his prayer a few minutes ago, Dermott finally rose, holding out a hand to Dec, who accepted the proffered help in silence. Dec seemed reluctant to meet his brother's eyes, instead finding the cuff of his own shirt most interesting, picking at it and twisting it in his nervous hand. He obviously wanted to say something, but couldn't quite pluck up the courage to speak up about what was troubling him. Figuring a walk through the cathedral's Hume Gardens wouldn't hurt, Dermott placed an arm around Dec's shoulders and guided him out into the light. A tiny, childlike voice finally broke the stillness between them: "Will it ever get better?"

Feeling his heart break in his chest, Dermott turned to Dec, pinning him with a firm, but gentle, gaze. "It will, Declan. The Lord will never give you more than you can handle. Everything will work out for the best, you'll see." His kindly voiced words of comfort set something off inside of Dec, and he turned suddenly, facing the other direction as he began to weep bitterly.

"But this is more than I can handle, Derm! I don't know what I'm going to do if just one more thing goes wrong in our life" – Dermott couldn't help but notice how Dec still referred to his and Ant's lives as one life, pairing the pronoun "our" with a singular "life" – "I can't lose him, Dermott, I can't lose him." Collapsing onto a nearby bench, Dec covered his face with his hands as tears continued to stream down his face in a never-ending cascade. Feeling the need to tell someone, Dec muttered, "The press are going to expose Ant's girlfriend soon. It's only a matter of time 'til they figure it out. There are already rumours."

Realizing this news could cause public uproar that could potentially be very damaging to Ant's recovery, Dermott felt the need to reassure Dec that he and Ant were not alone in this.

"Deuteronomy 31:6, Declan – 'Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.' I know life is not the way you wish it to be right now, Declan, but you are not alone, and never forget that."

Nodding at his brother's soothing words, Dec cried harder at the words "you are not alone" – the loneliness of his existence swallowed him whole most days. The odd thing was, he wasn't alone, he wasn't truly lonely in the full sense of the word. Ali was there for him constantly, as was his family, but the hole left in his life by the absence of his friend was unlike any loneliness he'd ever experienced before. And he had been no stranger to isolation during those endless years of being single, unable to find a steady girlfriend who loved him for being him rather than loving him for his money. But this was different, and far, far more painful. It was like a piece of him was missing, a very vital piece of him that he couldn't live without, and it was something he couldn't quite reconcile himself to, couldn't figure out how he was meant to live like this.

Tears finally slowing to a trickle, Dec scrubbed at his eyes like a small child, letting out a deep sigh. Dermott saw this as his cue to leave his brother for some private reflection, and with a gentle squeeze of his shoulder, made his way back into the cathedral, leaving his brother in solitude.

Hours later, a puffy-eyed Dec wandered back into the cathedral's sanctuary, but finding no one, headed next door to the Cloister Café, the cathedral's very own cafeteria and restaurant. His suspicions that his brother was visiting with parishioners in the café were proven right when he saw Dermott speaking with an elderly couple at a table near the back of the building. Stepping up to order himself a cuppa, Dec let out an annoyed sigh as he felt a buzz in his trouser pocket. He'd put his phone on vibrate earlier in the day, not wanting to be disturbed but also not daring to put it on silent in case anything happened with Ali or Ant. Digging his phone out wearily, Dec felt a sense of foreboding come over him as he saw a text from Ali.

"Feeling a bit off-colour. Could you come home early? Xx"

Dec had planned on staying in Newcastle until Wednesday at least, needing a couple more days to try to clear his mind....But if Ali needed him – and she wasn't normally one to whinge about not feeling well, so it must be rather serious – he had to go back to London, and as soon as possible. Cancelling his order of tea with an apologetic smile, Dec made his way over to Dermott, explaining the situation tensely, worry evident in his voice.

Dermott's heart sank when he heard the news. He had hoped that Dec could maybe find some peace, would be able to relax a bit if he had another couple of days here at home being spoiled by his mam, but obviously his wife and unborn child came first. And of course this was the last thing Dec needed right now – another thing to worry about. But with a final blessing and firm hug, Dermott sent his little brother on his way back to their mam's house to break the news to her and book the next available flight back to London. That night, Dermott's fervent prayer was that Dec would be given the strength to get through the days, weeks, and months to come. None of them knew how long it would be before Ant could even attempt to come back to work, but for Dec's sake, Dermott's earnest supplication was that his brother's relationship with his best friend would be healed and their bond remain unbroken. It was the only way either of them could survive.