#if i cant look good in my shirts than goddamn somebody else has to

[zontiky]

Ahem McDonald’s five au pls?

goddamn it’s been forever but i can’t stop won’t stop so you’RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT MY MICKEY D’S FIVE AU LET’S GO

so. the legal age you have to be to work at mcdonalds is? 14 years old according to google, but it may vary depending on the place. aidan is 16, five passes for 16 even though he’s 13 ok

there is absolutely no way he would actually let them say he’s 13 he’d be like “ugh at least make it 14 damn” even though,,, his birthday is in like,,, less than a year,, ok i realize that isn’t how ageing works but cut me some slack

POINT IS he passes for 14 ok. DOUBLE POINT is that he would wait until he’s legally 14 anyway so idk it works alright

but!! so !! plot time! this is the part i’m bad at but bear with me i’m onto something i swear

five is pissy bc he doesn’t really have anything to do. he takes school online bc he’s way above middleschool obviously, and like?? he moves fast with those classes too bc hes a genius like he knows big brain things yk

so anyway somebody (klaus) jokingly suggests “oh well maybe if youre bored you should get a job or smth it’s not like extra money can hurt anybody ever”

five’s thought process is like

if i get a job i earn money

if i earn money i can spend money how i want and not need to drag my idiot siblings along with me constantly

i GUESS it would be good to have job experience or something whatever

lets be real folks

nobody except for fucking mcdonalds would accept this garbage racoon child celebrity looking 14 year old asshole. i know im exaggerating and there are 100% other places that would employ this walking shitshow but my point stands

klaus and ben chanting: mc donalds! mc don alds! mc donaaaaaalds

five: ffffffffffffiNE

mc donalds it is

also yeah i know its not 2 words but this is my au and besides how can you prove it isnt 2 words in the tua universe?? you cant, check and mate

anyway

five marches his 14yo ass up to mcdonalds like “hire me” and they all just,, they look at this kid,, coming in in schoolboy shorts looking like a prep straight off the school website,, and they hire him instantly.

idk ive never worked at mcdonalds but lets say that there are mainly older teenagers there so like college/highschool students and five comes in on his first day in his too big uniform with a frown and messy hair, his older brother is waving at him from outside and they just “omg little sibling”

five is a prickly asshole! you know this! but they dont!! so they try to approach him and make him feel welcome and he just straight up hisses at them

woah there five thats not how you do social interaction

better luck next time?

anyway this isn’t actually the point of the au the point is five works at mcdonalds and the others take advantage of this always

klaus walks into mcdonalds and hes barely wearing a shirt, ben is trailing after him and the two walk up to where five is manning the cash register, klaus leans over and ruffles his hair, five rolls his eyes but doesn’t maim him immediately?

all of the other workers are like o.o

klaus, in the snarkiest fucking voice, asks five what he would recommend

“this is a mcdonalds”

‘yeah i know that what should i get’

“get a fucking smoothie i know you’re not gonna drink anyway and get out”

ben from behind: actually i wanted chicken nuggets–

“shut up ben you can’t even eat”

ben voice: smh rude

anyway. diego always. always. he fucking comes in decked out in his bondage gear and he walks up to the register completely deadpan but only when it’s five’s shift, and he stares deep into five’s eyes and orders

“one kid’s meal”

five stares back completely emotionless as he rings him up and says “anything else”

“no just the kids meal”

“do you want apple slices with that”

“yeah”

and then he gets the meal and just. gives it back to five. and he gives him the biggest shit-eating grin and tells him to enjoy his lunch and powerwalks out of there before five can get charged for murder

that only works once though bc next time five is READY but so is diego so he continuously orders frappes or whatever the fuck mcdonalds sells

i havent actually been inside a mcdonalds for months i can’t remember what the sell

oh wait lmao frappes are starbucks mcdonalds has uhh mcflurries???

is that what they’re called? mc flurries? what kind of fucking name is that akjdhfksd

ANYWAY THEY ALL BULLY FIVE AT MCDONALDS

allison walking in like “one fish fillet please :)” and everybody whispering bc ohmygod samantha look its ALLISON HARGREEVES what is she doing in our mcdonalds OHMYGOD–!!! and she just keeps smiling as five hands her the sandwich and she walks out, but walks back in seconds later

‘oh by the way luther’s picking you up today’

“i can walk”

‘no you can’t you have baby legs, i’ll see you when your shift is over bye!’

*five’s teeth creaking as he grins his jaw noises* “bye”

anywho

this au pleases me immensely ok

like

you don’t even know how much joy i have from picturing dead-eyed five in a mcdonalds uniform selling a doughnut

somebody keep this gremlin away from their coffee machines though. he learns to use them immediately and gets coffee constantly. they cant even call him out on it bc he pays everytime

well almost everytime but you know its whatever they’re all soft for their adolescent coworker anyway

ok this is where my brain goes bloop but i’ve began a shitty art for this au so like if i ever finish that i’ll put a link here ripppp

YEAH THAT’S IT aren’t you glad i exist because without me you wouldn’t have a mcdonalds five au, YOU’RE WELCOME

[readbythestarlight]

c2e28

“This flask is Taliesin’s new character” shut up Sam don’t mock us

They’re FINALLY going to go check out the Taskers and i swear if Taliesin’s character isn’t with them I’m gonna die

(unless this is all a trick and Taliesin is just hanging out until Molly can reasonably be brought back…)

Caleb stepping in and doing some strategizing both makes me proud and makes me sad because I guarantee he was great at that before Everything happened

Beau and Caleb disagreeing over a spider

“Shady Debaters Debate Team” I would wear that shirt

Nila wants to use her lighting let her fuck people up with her lightning draw people outside for her to fry please

Yes please get yourself some goddamn healing potions

YAAAAS NILA HAS HEALING WORDS

and good berries xD

GUYS I STILL LOVE HER SO MUCH I WOULD STILL DIE FOR HER

The Bone Orchard…ooooooo

Necromancers maybe?

Please go to the Taskers first I feel like Taliesin has to be with them

If people have been torturning Jester I’m gonna cry she’s too sweet for this

Nila’s smell bag is so cute y’all stop teasing her

“You are relying on me, I’m very happy” sHE’S SO PURE

Oh shiiiiit she just saved them from freaky forest ground monsters that’s my girl!

GRAVE SITE I’M TELLING YA ITS NECROMANCERS

Caleb getting tired of the debate and just heading over the gate

Not just carelessly flinging herself after him smh

Spooooooky place I don’t know how I feel about this

YAAAAAAAAS THEY FOUND HIM HOLY SHIT AHHHHHHHHHHHH OF COURSE HE LIVES IN A GODDAMN GRAVEYARD I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE IS THE ULTIMATE GOTH

HE’S A FIRBOLG???

“Caduceus Clay” AND HES A CLERIC GOD BLESS Jester will be delighted that she doesn’t have to do all the healing anymore

Caduceus seems delightful I’m delighted I MISSED YOU TALIESIN

fuck i love him already

he’s like the goddamn grave keeper TALIESIN COULD YOU HAVE GONE ANY MORE GOTH

B: “You’re drinking dead-people tea?”

Cad: “Aren’t we all?”

THE. ULTIMATE. GOTH.

…can’t bring Molly back. I’m not surprised at all given that it would be weird to bring his own character back, but still. That’s okay. It’s fine.

He just figured he’d sit there with his tea until someone came to help him leave lol

C: “Welcome to the Mighty Nein”

Cad: “There’s only, uh—“

B: “DON’T overthink it”

Nott shooting Beau to test Cad’s healing xD

FRUMPKIN NO DONT KILL HIM

fuuuuuuuck he dead

they needed him god dammit

HE’S ALIVE

ALIVE BY 1

I can’t decide if this is going to be a disaster, them going after them again right now, or???

LETS NOT SPLIT UP AT ALL EVEN JUST TO KILL TWO GUARDS

Taking off her armor is a horrible idea guys

Guest!Ashley has the cutest face and the purest laugh??? I love her

While we’re on break I’m trying to decide, is it weird that Taliesin chose to play a cleric when they already have a cleric? Part of me is like “what if he did that because he knew they were gonna need the temporary heals and he’s just gonna stick around as Cad until Jester is back and then he’s gonna rez Molly” and part of me is just like bfs girl Molly is gone let him go??

I don’t think I’ll be able to move on from Molly for sure though until the M9 move on from Shady Creek, with Cad tagging along.

Frumpkin the 3-HP spider

Not asking Cad questions nervously is adorable

Beau just sticking her face in the bag for the luck orb xD

Caleb: talks about breaking a guy’s skull

Nila: “excellent”

Poor Taliesin having to figure out a whole new character. He’d barely really figured out Molly yet.

20 for a perception check nice job Keg!

Sumalee accidentally meta gaming is honestly just cute enough that i don’t even care she could metagame all day and i’d be fine with it

HERE THEY GOOOOO

Matt looks so lost xD

FUCK ‘EM UUUUUUP TEAM BEAU/CALEB/NILA

FUCK ‘EM UUUUUUP TEAM KEG/NOTT/CAD

good rolls, good rolls…

YAAAAS GO KEG!

YAAAAAS NILA BASH HIM DO IT GIRL she’s been waiting to kill someone for so long

goddamn they handled that SO WELL LOOK AT THEM IM SO PROUD

“one was just enjoying the wind, and then darkness forever” Matt xD

Goddamn I can’t believe they pulled that off so well. Lorenzo better watch the fuck out.

Are we calling him Clay then because I liked Cad

Frumkpin the flying spider?? Methinks they all forgot Caleb made him a spider

Nila’s so excited to have like 32 gold she’s so cute you guys

Keg get another nat20 for stealth

okay… are they really unnoticed I’m nervous

B: “Look at the—look at the windows, too.”

Cad: “They’re nice.”

I love hiiiiiim

We can’t go get friends tho because they’re not HERE YET

Boy I can’t wait to see this map

Liam missing his rogue days hardcore right now lol

YAAAAS Taliesin with the nat20 deception I was so scared

“I’m gonna have an ulcer after this game” fucking SAME

Ashley and Sam holding hands like SAME god the stress

Also heck yeah we’re uncovering the maaaaap!

Liam is just very thoroughly uncovering the map

fuck don’t squish Frumpkin

“Hey Phil come help me kill this spider!”

Oh thank god good job poofing him out Caleb

I’m serous guys I love Caleb coming up with plans and leading the group in Fjord’s absence I love it

WAIT

YOU CANT SEND NOTT IN BY HERSELF

DONT DO THAT

FUCK

WE CANT AFFORD TO LOSE ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE GANG GUYS

NOT NOTT

Hey Caleb can you teach Nott the door unlocking spell?

Keg: “Nott. Be careful.”

Nott: “…Do you care about me?”

K: “…Yeah.”

N: *happy wiggle*

Fuck I don’t like this they were doing so well but this is going to be a disaster

A NAT1

FUUUUUUUUUCK

KILL THEM

fuck it was going so well god DAMMIT Caleb this was a BAD PLAN

God they’re not even all together I am literally so afraid right now

Yessss hasted Keg

fuckfuckfuck im literally so fucking scared right now

okay good they missed Not

FUCK ‘EM UP NILA

NO SAVE THE TOTEM FOR LORENZO

SAVE IT NILA

SAVE IT

poison spray yesss that sounds nice and 12pts damage good girl

poor Sam has such a hard time with his rogue skills

NOTT STOP RUNNING AHEAD

GOD Y’ALL DID MOLLY TEACH YOU NOTHING

fuck them up Keg

Yessssss kill him Keg my hero

Hasted Keg is the best man 4 attacks? She’s helping make up for a lack of Yasha

Keg getting between Nott and danger is so sweet I’m crying is she trying to make sure Molly does’t happen all over again

I would also die for Keg you guys

Sorry Phil you dead

BITCH HAS YASHA’S SWORD

FUCK HER UP

Wait until you get in the room above the trap door at least Nila

I adore her

PHIL DON’T YOU TOUCH NILA

yesssss he misses

NOTT

DONT FUCKING GO NEAR THE BARBARIAN

“IM THINKING OF REMOVING MY SPINE… CAUSE IT’S ONLY HOLDING ME BACK! :D”

holy shit Nott put her prone I’m crying I’m sorry I doubted you Nott

Fuck up the barbarian Keg yessss

Action surge means what what is that it’s cool

NAT20 YAAAAAS Keg is the BEST you guys

What I’m taking from this is that women name Ashley make the best lady characters and get the job done

why are you spending key points in non-combat when Lorenzo is still out there somewhere

Oh jeez are Cad or Nila close enough to heal Keg if she needs it??

DON’T TAKE AWAY HASTE

fuck

Liam and Matt gonna fight lol

Let Nila beat the door in

MOMMA POWERS ACTIVATE and she beats in the door HELL YEAH

Maybe she should have saved the totem for IN the trap door?

Sumalee is so concerned that she’s gonna make a mistake it’s cute

UH I KNOW IT’S A JOKE BUT YOU CAN TAKE TALIESIN’S NEW CHARACTER FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS SOMEONE ELSE CAN DIE

Cad coming in with the heals heck yes

“A cleric who likes to heal! It’s amazing” LOL Sam. My thoughts exactly though

This isn’t going terrible but it isn’t going great and I’m worried about what they will have left when it comes time to face Lorenzo

YEAAAAAH HDYWTDT CALEB HECK YES somebody grab Yasha’s sword

also damn Caleb you get vicious with that fire

oh baby

please don’t freak again Molly isn’t here to forehead kiss you out of it

Aw first time he managed not to have issues

Maybe Lorenzo isn’t home… that would be great…

Or he’s downstairs…

Damn, Taliesin, that’s so amazingly morbid and fantastic. Just melting them away into fertilizer.

Nott apologizing for not being able to unlock the door and Caleb reassuring her that it’s not her fault. My heart.

Trapped door.

They are all getting silly xD

Oh god okay here we go

“I like pink better than purple” Liam how dare you

Manacles again ffs Matt

God a whole underground place

“He’s looking for green or blue or goth”

Fuuuuck they gotta get through at least 3 more??

And still no Lorenzo

fuck i don’t like thiiiiiiis

Lorenzo is absolutely in there. If he was upstairs he would have come down.

You’re assuming that there isn’t another way out that they could escape through and flank you

Matt’s like “I just got the downstairs map out guys”

Cad/Clay/Whatever like “let’s just?? ask??”

Oh no

stop him

“fucking Phil, ammiright?”

fuck this son of a bitch up

16 damage fuck him uppppp Nila!

fuck him uuuuup Keg!

fuck him up Clay!

fuck him up Nott!

Clay just… turning him into mulch I’m crying

Damn I’m so impressed they took care of that so well

fuck traps

PLEASE LET NILA’S BABY BE OKAY

Nila being such a mom is my favorite like I’m so here for the peaceful person who has never hurt anyone, but will fuck you UP for touching their loved ones

SOMEONE HEAL ASSAR

IM CRYING

MATT STOP IT

it’s fine I’m only crying a little

“be well. be well my son.”

I’m very much crying

Let her rip it open Matt let her do it

Okay Nila it’s okay let Nott try or Caleb then if Nott can’t

SAM stop with the 1s!!

SHES GOT HER FAMILY BACK AGAIN I CRYYYYYYY

the power of love is stronger than metal bars hell yes

“I love it when it works for the narrative!” lol Matt at his most DM-i-est

FAMILY HUG ITS FINE IM NOT CRYING

oh god I’m gonna miss Nila so much

WE LOVE YOU NILA I HOPE WE SEE YOU AGAIN SOME DAY

FIRBOLG HUG

I’ve cried way too much these past like idk 7 episodes

Nila is forever a member of the M9 y’all save that feather

it’s fine

it’s totally fine

How many members of the M9 are there now

Fjord Jester Caleb Nott Beau Molly Yasha, then Shakaste, Cali, Kiri, Keg, Nila, and now Clay.

God this was such a good episode.

Caduceus is great guys. He’s different enough from Molly not to make me heartsore, and I think he’ll bring a nice new dynamic? I’m not at all disappointed by him (not that I expected to be, I knew Taliesin wouldn’t let us down).

I’m gonna miss Nila so much. Like Marisha said, she was the softness the group needed.

I can’t believe Sumalee has never properly played before! That’s amazing! She was amazing! I hope I can be half that great at my first proper game!

And I’m so excited to see how it goes next week, live from GenCon! Excited to see how this section wraps up. It’s gonna be amazing.

[park-loins]

I'm gonna go reread all your fanfics starting with Jammed. I'll report back later ✌ - the anon with too much time on their hands

I CAN’T BELIEVE U REALLY DID THAT wow drink some water stay hydrated buddy~

Asks 2-23 from ur adventure below the cut, and i think tumblr ate some but that does not shock me. 

2) Goddamn it Loins, I didn't even get the E.L James reference until I reread the first quarter of Jammed, goddamn it I didn't even know who E.L James was until now and I'm completely shook this is why I reread things ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (2/?)

o yeah Kim Taehyung’s novel absolutely KILLED the ‘bored with my marriage wine moms’ demographic

3) 😏😏😏✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (3/?)

4) "author, sex god, part-time bee keeper" is my new Tinder description✌-The Anon with too much time on their hands

SHIT THAT’S SO GOOD THOUGH, i’d swipe right, hard right.

5) Yoooo, I can't believe that Jammed was your first BTS fanfiction, Loins. It was so good, and it was better the second time around! Okay, on to Reprise. I can't wait to weep at fuck'o'clock in the AM like the first time ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (5/?)

Ahhh thank u man! U know what I get really insecure about Jammed sometimes and I want to go back and change it, but it is what it is. And it got me publishing again! Which was the important thing. It felt so good to publish. 

6) Yoooo the notes on the first chapter of Reprise thooo. Damn, first time noticing that ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (6/?)

Oh me being a creepy child? Yeah I walked around the house calling “mommy, MOMMY” and mom was like ‘what’ and i was like ‘no, my REAL mommy,’ the proceeded to describe the death of my former family! i, for one, am surprised and grateful she did not ditch me on a deserted mountaintop. 

7) And people say smut can't be soft...but also...😏😏😏 ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (8/?)

aww u know what... i’m gonna have to write some soft stuff in the future... i haven’t gone super soft n sweet since then and i think i should. 

8) Yep, I'm getting emotions now. Thanks Loins, I needed those back. ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (10/?)

9) Okay but, my shuffle starting playing 'How to Save A Life' by The Fray the MINUTE I got to reading the last Scene in Reprise™, and I'm feeling quite attacked, tbh ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (11/?)

oommgmgmgmgmgmgmmggmg

10) Is it too soon to bring up the "Oh look, I've been impaled" meme? ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (12/?)

YES IT CERTAINLY actually no u know what go for it, impaling is such a specific means of death u gotta take the shot when u have it. 

11) Okay, that's Reprise done. I've successfully got through it without crying this time, cause my family's asleep. Time to get into Inc. Don't worry since Inc. is really long, I won't bother you as much. I think you kinda hate me right now, spamming your already full inbox ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (13/?)

I WAS REALLY ENJOYING GETTING THESE THO as i was like getting ready for work then throughout the day, it was so nice ilu 

12) I will, and forever always believe, that Inc. is, and forever will be, one of THE most quotable fanfictions of our generation. Thank you and good day ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (14/?)

OKAY that means a lot, my family is SO big on quoting movies like that’s our sense of humor. In fact my sister has quoted inc. to me and then been like... hey what’s that from - cuz sometime we have so may references that we literally cant remember the origin- and i was like..... inc.

13) Me: *Reads the story of Murderers birth* Me "Wow, you could make a religion out of this" ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (15/?)

vmin at least made a HOLIDAY of it, that you can believe. 

14) Yoongi: "The only plant that's ever had the misfortune of being mine died long before it ever had a chance to tell it's tale of woe" Me: Wow, that sounds like somebody else I know...*looks into the camera like on the Office* ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (16/?)

....ok SURE fine whatever inc. yoongi is 87% me

15) Maybe Hazelnut will be our always? ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (17/?)

akdjlkjglkjhl

16) "I was very drunk, the photos where on Jimin's phone-..." Wait, wHaT!? See y'all, this👏is👏why👏re👏reading👏is👏 important 👏, I didn't even notice that the first time I read Inc., fucking hell. ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (18/?)

o yeah o yeah i was planting those vmin seeds for YEARs

17) "Jin steps gingerly over Namjoon, who is face down on the floor, moaning miserably into an abandoned microphone" This scene is the main reason I wish that could draw good fanart ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (19/?)

i almost think that bad fanart of this scene would be better

18) You know how there's a shirt floating around that has the entire script to the Bee Movie on the back? I want that, but instead of the Bee Movie, I just want the entire Inc. fanfiction. ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (20/?)

 as long as “assplay” the 17 times i use it is in a slightly bigger font than EVERything else

19) Wow. A lot of shit went down in 2012. And we getting to the angsty, metaphorical shit, cause what else are you gonna get from a Minverse™ fanfiction? ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (22/?) 

i think i used 2012 as a reference year for crazy shit in paint too and i’m thinking about my 2012 and i’m like o yep. that’s why

20) Ah yes, the time when Loins decided to write a Christmas chapter in the dead of summertime. I ain't judging, anything for the story's sake ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands 

CHRISTMAS is not a time of YEAR but a feeling in your HEArT, and also a great plot device

21) The first appearance Leash!Tae in Loins' ao3 fanfics. Honestly, what an amazing experience to read this again. I'm honored. ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (23/?)      

leash!tae was a lifechanging event in my real life and i’m just i’m so glad to insert it into my writing at any and every chance.

22) How dare you write some emotional-ass smut. Also I'm gonna stop sending these in after 30 so that I don't get your inbox so full 😗😙 I'm sure it's probably more than that cause I'm bad at tracking numbers, and I hope I got Anon on all of em.✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (26/30) 

‘nasty but emotional.’ MY new tinder bio

23) Can I just tell you something Loins? I'm a bit tipsy now, so don't judge, but you are so genuinely talented, it's sickening. Like, you talk about how your not that good at writing, but you could probably out write half of the people that's been on the NY Times Best Seller List. And you have such a good personality to top it off. I gotta stop sending asks now, sorry to end so suddenly, just know that I really appreciate what you're doing. 💓💓✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands

aw my dude... ur gonna make me emo but the good kind the just too many good and grateful emotions kind of emo.... that really means a lot man, idk if i’ll ever pursue writing outside of a fic context, but it make me feel SO nice to think even for a second that i could. anyway!! thank u for making my day, this was such a nice little distraction on an otherwise dull and shit day, and thank u for being so sweet n supportive n i really appreciate you!!!!

[thataspdfeel]

I'm curious, what are you most attracted to in your partners? Is it similar traits in all of them or different ones like their sense of humour etc.? Sorry if this is a weird question but you've said before you like when people ask about them so I thought I would.

i was so excited to get this and then forgot to answer it :/ im an idiot

also gonna put this under a cut cause this is gonna be hella long cause im a fucking romantic dork

god though i could wax poetic. they’re all so lovely. like they have traits in common but also are unique. they all have brown eyes but theyre unique. like my husband has these eyes that remind me of warm chocolate. like a chocolate fountain kind of warm chocolate. dark and smooth but reflect the light. my wife’s have tinges of gold in the irises like flecks of gold leaf. and theres a dark ring around the pupil and one around the edge of the iris. theyre fucking magical

my boyfriend’s eyes are almost black and very deep. darker than the night sky and full of warmth and mischief. but its like theyre never ending, like he can see the innermost parts of whoever he’s looking at, like your soul is written on your forehead

lmao i love eyes can you tell

they all have these goddamned sinful eyelashes and my boyfriend’s are the longest. theyre as dark as his eyes and when he’s embarrassed, he gets all shy and they brush against his cheekbones like how dare you sir. how dare you be beautiful even when youre embarrassed. i look like a fucking tomato. rude

my husband’s look gold at the tips with the way the light catches them. like yknow how fake eyelashes have purple or red at the tips? like that except gold. like what??? the fuck??? rude

they all have very soft hair though my boyfriend’s is the longest. i cant wait to get with him irl again cause i wanna braid it. he’s got a bony face and it frames it so well. it’s so dark brown its almost black and it’s fun to see him try to sweep it out of his face cause he refuses to tie it up

my husband has these wild curls. we were looking up how to take care of them and that’s how we found out hes ethnically jewish. (which makes sense considering he’s german) they get so thick and heavy and they’re so soft and lovely to nap in. which i do on a semi regular basis. its so soft and lovely and i love when he grows it out. he just doesn’t look right with shorter hair. and he has this beard that grows funny, makes him look like jedidiah if yknow what i mean. he has such a baby face without it and he loves beard scritches it’s so cute how happy he gets

bluh im bouncing all over the place i just??? love them?????? so??????????? much???????????????? there’s so much to talk about!!!

so i guess i’ll just try and make a list of the things i love about them

husband:

cheerful, bubbly, very sunny personality. the human incarnation of a very excited dog (which can be A Lot sometimes)

extremely kind. would give you the shirt off his back. often laments that he stopped carrying cash years ago every time he sees somebody who could use some despite the fact that we’re always broke

a proper southern gentleman??? like im fat so im used to people not holding doors open for me fucking ever and being really goddamned rude in general. he ALWAYS holds doors open for me, opens the car door for me both to get in and out of the car, and gets pouty if i try and carry my own bag. it’s so sweet??? ive literally never had that before and even after three and a half years, it’s still so charming

he will do literally anything the fuck i ask. he’ll say no and im like oh ok and he’ll tease like “finally! i said no! and got away with it!” just to make me giggle and then does it anyway

on this note, he also always cooks as much as absolutely possible. even though his spine gives him problems, he does his best to keep me off my leg

he’s always so concerned about my well being. like if there’s not a disability cart at the front of a store, he makes me sit down while he goes and chases one down. if im stiffer than usual due to a cold front, he’ll remind me to take pain meds every four hours

he’s trying to learn japanese because he knows i dont have anybody to practice with here in the states. just for me and not any other reason

adores animals. even if he finds a dog annoying, he’ll still fawn over it and give it as many pets as it wants and won't ever snap at it even if anybody else would. he’s got these large hands and he’s kind of clumsy but this goes away around animals. he’s just so careful and gentle like i never ever worry

drags me out of my introverted cave because he knows social interaction is also good

has introduced me to some of my favorite books and video games because he’s verious conscious about what somebody likes and works to be like “hey, i think youd like this” and is almost always correct??? amazing

has 0 sense of style but doesnt mind somebody who knows better keeping him from absolute disaster

dude is a damned good cook. ive gained like at least a solid 25 pounds since he moved in and started cooking regularly

SPEAKING OF COOKING, we met on the tail end of my anorexia when i was doing my best to recover and still slipping up. he never made me feel bad about it but always encouraged me to eat. he eats SO much (think shaggy rogers) that i always felt comfortable eating in front of him. he always reminds me to eat and asks if ive eaten that day. honestly, i wouldnt be at this level of recovery if it hadnt been for him

is amazing at caling me down holy fuck

wife:

met her first, of the three of them, ironically so ive known her the longest but been with her the shortest. we dated a few months in hs but there was a chick she wanted to date like right there (and i was in japan) so i was like oh go for it. well, they broke up and we got back together and it’s been lovely ever since

she has this snorting laugh that’s adorable to listen to and it makes me feel more comfortable laughing (because i think i sound like a damn goose)

SHE HAS SO MANY GODDAMNED FRECKLES ON HER CUTE LITTLE FACE THEY’RE ADORABLE AND AMAZING AND VERY FUN TO KISS BECAUSE SHE SQUIRMS

she has a goddamned button nose for chrissakes

and these really wide hips too like i felt bad about my hips years ago cause theyre p wide but shes adorable and has wide hips too. she kinda made me love them (even though hers are better)

she’s genderfluid so i get to be gay all across the gender spectrum (im agender) and she’s so beautiful and handsome and v amazing

we were both homestuck fans at the height of it (like we still are) but her cosplays are just really well done??? shes so talented

OH MY GOD SHE MAKES THIE CHICKEN SOUP WITH HOMEMADE NOODLES I WOULD SLAP AN OLD LADY FOR

i dont know about the rest of her cooking (sadly) due to limited time around each other but i cant fucking wait tbh. her cookies kill me tho i love them

an amazing fashion sense. im a dumpster compared to her

an amazing writer and artist and i die every time she sends me something like my soul fucking ascends

she loved me BEFORE meds which i think is amazing. like what a lovely human being yknow? im a dick without meds and she loved me anyway and i love that about her

she speaks german and she makes it sound beautiful and i cry

her singing voice is so angelic and it kills me when she sings because everybody should hear this lovely person sing

she is hyper empathetic and it makes her so lovely and kind and wonderful. she completely understands how i feel about things and why even when no one else does and is very good at de-escalating me when im upset

we’ve just known each other for something like 7 years now? like i dated her post my abusive ex and she lit up my whole world with happiness at being treated well. then her ex was abusive and just... we get each other? in a way where her husband and my other two partners dont. its a pain the others dont understand so we go to each other during these times of pain in a way we cant with other people. it’s a very special connection

she’s a goddamned goof and i love it

my boyfriend:

motherfucker is so skinny which is the opposite of me and for some reason it works?? idk like it worries me but it’s also unique. love it

we dated almost my whole senior year of hs but he broke up with me because he thought he didnt have the same depth of emotion as i did for him and didnt want to “hold me back” from somebody better. like??? can you imagine?????? how fucking kind

recently started dating again like it took him fourish years for him to realize SHIT I MADE A MISTAKE so he’s a little slow but he’s so very thoughtful

he’s a goof in a different way than the other two. dad jokes. never ending fucking dad jokes. and goddamned puns. he never stops. dont tell him i love them because then he’ll never let me tease him again (i pretend like its The Worst)

so. fucking. dramatic. always flips his hair in the sassiest way possible. its super gay (he’s bi)

he doesnt do a whole lot of romance or saying WHY he feels certain ways. he feels like it cheapens the emotion. but, on the rare occassion he doesnt let this bother him, his poetry he sends me about how he feels makes me fucking cry. it’s so beautiful. i love it

he works watering at a plant nursery and complains about how the bees always use him as a landing strip. it’s adorable

he’s so resourceful?? this is best seen when playing minecraft cause he makes some damn cool structures in some really nice places. i love playing it with him just to see what he builds and how (especially since im a boring, lets make this house a square kinda ho)

he’s so camera shy??? no selfies no skype at all. he’s so bashful and it’s super cute i love it

got me into DnD like yes thank you for this enjoyable nerdery

the sole reason i passed math in hs. like not only is he smart but hes also really good at explaining things to people? definitely a talent for teaching people things

he was my best friend for the longest time like all three of them are my best friend but he was the only one who was my best friend FIRST and then romance blossomed

like im demiromantic so i need a strong connection to fall in love like it was a solid few months of dating my husband before i began to love him. i knew my wife for awhile and got close so same general story. but my boyfriend and i were more friends to lovers and i love that about him

his dad is half italian so he talks with his hands and it’s so overdramatic that he hits people with them on a semi regular basis just gesturing. he once accidentally knocked my glasses all the way across a room cause i had walked behind him and he made a sweeping gesture. hilarious

one time, i had food poisoning and the pain was so bad, i had to crawl under his kitchen table until my mother came to take me to the base clinic. he sat with my head in his lap and brushed my hair out of my face and cooed gently at me to try and soothe me. it was so sweet and ive never forgotten about it

motherfucker, with the help of my sister, dragged me into homestuck

he’s so damn shy about affection that holdling his hand in public makes him blush. it’s even worse if i steal a kiss. fucking adorable

things all three have in common that i love:

good in bed. it sounds silly but this is important to me because while i dont necessarily need sex to form a close relationship to fall in love, it definitely helps

idk how this happened, i really dont, but somehow everything i like lines up nicely with everything they like??? and if im not into something, they can find it with each other and vise versa. lmao wtf how did this happen to line up idk

kind, generous, sweet, and helpful although all three show these qualities in different ways despite having them in common

love me??? like honestly it sounds so silly that id love that they love me but im such a flawed, terrible human being that it leaves me in deep awe that not only does one person love me but three??? how??? amazing people to find something in me to love and to keep on loving despite all my problems. beautiful

creative, smart, and inventive each in their own right. they fucking astound me and take my breath away

beautiful cuddlers (not being sarcastic, promise)

husband is a goddamned heater but boyfriend is a living block of ice. then wife is one of those who’s in between but she steals your heat and then hours later gives it back which is the worse option of the three. like it starts out all nice but then you end up surprised hours later because youre fucking dying of heatstroke

so we have two heatstroke, drowning in sweat options and then losing your limbs. it makes trying to set the thermostat a fucking nightmare

they all love to read and honestly? i couldnt be with anyone who doesnt like a good book

can hold lively, in depth discussions about things

hubby tends to lean more towards “would it be immoral to fuck a succubus” type morality questions and superhero dissection type things

wife is all over the place and can carry on a conversation about goddamned teapots if she so chose. no idea how she does it

boyfriend likes to entertain more morbid thoughts and psychology but also likes to analyze things. like homestuck. we still fucking dissect homestuck

very intelligent. blows my dumb ass out of the water. beautiful

like gaming various amounts and various kinds of games. hubs likes any and all. boyfriend likes dnd, monster hunter, minecraft etc kinds of things, not really one for cards or board games. wife prefers to craft but will occasionally engage in board games or cards, less so in video games but tends to stick to pokemon. it’s nice

they’re all very physically beautiful though in different ways. hubby is barrel chested and german with very strong arms and big hands, a bright and sunny smile. wife is small and round with tiny, artist hands and a sweet, pixie face. boyfriend is thin, long, and gaunt with pale skin and dark hair (kind of like damien from dream daddy tbh)

i could go on but ive been making this post for like well over two hours now and i figured maybe i should stop. it’s long as hell and idk if anybody else would have read this whole thing but basically i fucking adore my partners??? so much??? and there are so many things about them to love???

i just love them so much and could go on and on for hours about why i love each of them and how lovely they are and how they make me feel

ksdjrfgh im so sorry this is so long theres just so much to talk about //sweats

[bigothteddies]

the real tragedy of getting an office job is the fact that my extensive graphic t collection now goes unworn apart from sleep shirts and weekends. the solution of this of course is a stay at home free use fuckpet that wears nothing but lingerie and/or my shirts around the house 24/7