#if i have to repeat everything ill have to wait a whole year to apply for teaching

[queeninthnorth]

I'm terrified I've fucked up college cause I really don't know how I'm gonna pull myself out of not submitting any work for anything all semester

[taestefully-in-luv]

Always You | JJK (Five)

Summary: you and Jungkook have been best friends since freshmen year of college, there’s a lot of unsaid feelings and tension but neither make a move. what happens when his friend Taehyung (also your crush) needs a fake girlfriend?

Pairing: Jungkook x Female reader, slight Taehyung x Reader

Genre: friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, slight slow burn, roommate au, college au, SMUT (starting ch2), fluff, angst (in later chapters) slight crack, lots of drama

Word Count: 12.1k

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol consumption, sexual tension (?) sad oc, mentions of sex, kind of over the clothes action, drama, heated dance session lol, slight memory of sex, hair pulling, back scratching, mention of boner, second chances (?)

Notes: Okay, first of all THAT 1st TEASER PIC!!! DID WE SEE THAT? *chefs kiss*. Anyway thanks for comments you guys leave I really love reading them!!! Remember to send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat about the story:) have a great week everyone!

Taglist: @mooniyooni @thisartemisnevermisses @giadalin @kookiebunny097 @cosmosjk @moonchild1 @just-jeon @anpanman-sonyeondan @starlight-night0 @yessii-i @apollukee @mikasaredscarf1 @kaye-rosales @bunnyjeonjk @dyriddle @seagulljk @hass-mich-los @peachy-skz0325 @wonusbitch

© taestefully-in-luv

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May

Gloomy: The dictionary may describe it as hopeless and despairing but really it should just be a picture of your sad, sad face.

1 month…yes, one whole month has passed since you last spoke to Jungkook. No text, no calls, no random show ups, nothing. Gloom. Gloom. Gloom. Graduation came and gone so quickly…you walked the stage with your friends minus two but honestly you can hardly remember the event. You tried your hardest to be as excited as everyone else but the feeling of gloom stayed with you.

By the end of the month you finally started accepting he isn’t coming back and right around that time you actually heard from him—Jungkook that is. He sent you a pathetic text that he’s moving out and will be by to retrieve his things. More gloom.

The next couple weeks after that are a blur, you recall the sound of movers throughout your apartment. You didn’t have the courage to speak to him…you didn’t have the courage to even leave your room if you didn’t have to. You were so wrapped up in everything you didn’t even consider that fact that you will have to find a new roommate to cover the other half of the rent.

Every day just dragged on, every day a repeat of the last. Wake up, drown in black coffee, scroll mindlessly through your phone and work your full time job. You called in sick too many days already so you have to go or you’re at risk at getting fired. The same day, every day. The same gloomy fucking day.

Jimin tried to call or text every day to make sure you were like, alive. He apologized over and over for not telling you as soon as he found out about the Taehyung situation but he felt that if Taehyung was going to tell you then it is best it comes from him and not Jimin. You can understand that. He also frequently would show up at your apartment to surprise you but you rarely let him in. You did feel bad though, he’s just trying to be there for you.

Jimin 6:04pm

Please let me in?

Jimin 6:05pm

Well…I have some take out for you babe, ill leave it on the doorstep.

Jimin 6:05pm

Call me sometime ok? Love you

Guilt would consume your body but you just couldn’t deal with human contact right now.

June

Around month 2 you finally felt okay to see people again—your close people that is—aka Jimin was finally allowed in, he made you take a hot bath while he cleaned up for you and made you a proper meal. The amount of instant ramen containers lying around the place was by far one of the grossest things he’s seen. The shit that was growing…he shudders just thinking about it.

He would come over every day after work in the evenings. He left day time babysitting to Trina.

“Girl…all this over a boy?” she would constantly say.

You also tried applying for job after job, but the postgraduation life is harder than you thought…at least for you. Jimin landed a job as a kids choreographer, Trina starts up at one of the local elementary schools as a kindergartner teacher and you? You’re still working at the bakery down the street. You applied for many entry level positions in the marketing field but failed miserably in interviews…which only further discouraged you and worsened your mood.

It was also around this time you decided to finally delete Jungkook off all social media and block his number. You refuse to hear from him at this point…not that he was reaching out or anything. You wonder what he’s up to postgraduation? No, you don’t want to know or care. You considered hanging up a picture of his face on your wall so you could throw darts at it but you decided that was maybe on the crazy side. Taehyung sends you weekly texts, asking about how your day/week is going. He updates you on his life as well, apparently he got the curator assistant position at the museum that he wanted. You still feel hurt over everything but you are happy for him. It’s funny, you feel so betrayed over that but Jungkook is the cause of your gloom.

Every day just drags on, you feel heavy everywhere you go. Even when you’re just at home in bed.

By the end of the month your friends somehow convinced you to go on a date—a horrible date at that.

He was awkward as hell, a bad kisser and would lightly…tap your ass in attempt to be sexy. It was a disaster, you don’t even remember what the two of you even talked about at dinner. You just remember his tongue being horribly shoved down your throat and his weird ass tapping habit.

July

Then month 3 finally came around. A month where the weeks went by breathing became just a bit easier. Yes, any and everything still reminded you of Jungkook but it didn’t hurt as terribly as the previous months. By the end of the month you even agreed to your first real social outing. You are hesitant, but you agreed…

“I don’t know guys…a birthday party? We like, don’t even know the girl?” you frown, nibbling on the flesh of your bottom lip.

You are sitting in the middle of your bedroom floor, clothes piling all around you as you try to decide on what to wear.

“You need to get out babe…plus it’s a friend of a friend, so it’s cool.” Jimin says holding up a rose colored crop top, motioning for you to nod yes or no to his suggestion. You cock your head to the side, deciding what pants to go with it.

“I have to say I agree with Jimin, y/n.” your new roommate Holly chips in, “Since I’ve moved in I don’t think I’ve seen you go out even once.”

“Also a party is the best place to find some easy dick.” Of course that’s what Trina has to offer.

“Yes to the crop top Jimin.” You point your head towards the shirt, “Okay don’t have to call me out like that Holly.” You glare at your roomie, “And Trina, we both know I ain’t ready for no type of dick.”

“So we’re looking for some pussy tonight?” Trina smirks, “Nice.”

You rolls your eyes, a chuckle escaping your lips, “Shut up.” you throw a pair of shorts at her face.

“But seriously y/n…Maybe Trina is on to something…” Jimin sits down next to you, crossing his legs in front of him, “Maybe this is a good chance to like—”

“If you say move on I will literally kill you.” You cut in, “There’s nothing to move on from!” you throw your hands up dramatically. “Taehyung used me, Jungkook wants nothing to do with me. And—”

“Then why aren’t you ready for any type of dick?” Holly puts in her 2 fucking cents.

“Because I don’t want to be associated with any boys! Jimin is the exception.”

“Somehow I don’t feel flattered by that…” Jimin puts a hand on your shoulder.

“When’s the last time you got off?” Trina abruptly asks. You turn your head in shock at her shamelessness.

“Trina!”

“Answer her, I’m curious too.” Jimin squints at you trying not to laugh.

“It’s…” your eyes slide to the side, “It’s been a while.”

Trina shakes her in disapproval, “Damn girl, really? My fingers constantly playing DJ, you know what I’m sayin?” Trina goes in for a fist bump but you just push her hand away.

“You’re gross.” You laugh out loud, and it sounds like music to everyone’s ears.

“I’m just real babey.” She flicks her hair back with a proud smile on her face.

Having these 3 around has no doubt helped you deal with the loss you feel. You feel like you are still mourning the dead. How’s Jungkook even doing? You’re too afraid to ask Jimin. Too afraid that he’s doing amazing without you. He must of realized how much better off he is without you around and that makes you feel small.

“Fine…” you mutter under your breath…Jimin snaps his head to look at you, his sly smile growing as he watches you fiddle with a short mini skirt.

“Fine what?” Trina asks with a smirk.

“Let’s find me some dick tonight.”

“Hell fucking yeah.” Jimin claps his hands together, “Tonight is about you!”

“y/n makes her debut tonight! She’s hot, she’s single and she is ready to mingle!”

You can’t help but giggle, your hands bunching up the material of the mini skirt as you look down at it, making your decision.

“Let me get ready and we can get this night started!” you rush to your feet, all the sudden feeling excited for tonight. You are going to actually do your hair and your makeup—you even shaved. You are definitely breathing easier tonight and you have to take advantage of that!

“Let’s do shots as we wait girlies,” Holly shows a bottle of rum she had hiding behind her back, shaking it in excitement.

“Naughty girl.” Jimin winks, standing to his feet, heading towards the kitchen to grab some shot glasses.

You get ready quickly, but taking your time where it counts. You give yourself a once over in the mirror and you have to say you are impressed. Your black jean mini skirt sits right below your ass, while your tits pop in this rose crop top. You wear short heels, and simple jewelry with just the right amount of makeup that makes your features stand out, and you have to say you would kiss yourself if you could—you look fucking good.

“woooooo” Jimin and Trina whistle out at the same time as they walk back in your bedroom.

“I’d fuck.” Jimin says plainly.

“Same as fuck.” Trina says bluntly as she swallows down a shot.

“Yeah you look pretty y/n!” Holly smiles, not really on the same level of honestly as your other two friends.

You burst into giggles, throwing your head back in approval. “Thanks guys…..Lets fucking do this.” You walk towards Trina and grab her shot glass, and you take the bottle from Holly, pouring yourself a shot.

“Ready to fucking mingle.” You gulp down the rum, the burn only encouraging you, the warmth stinging your entire chest and you couldn’t feel more content.

This house was one of the bigger ones, it was full of people and more people and like, more people. You managed to swallow down 3 or 4 shots back at your apartment and the alcohol is definitely working its magic on you, the world just a little nicer.

The amount of people doesn’t even bother you like it usually would, instead you find yourself barging through the front door and making your way to the dance floor with your 3 friends trialing behind you.

The heat of the living room is already intoxicating you, the amount of bodies rolling and grinding makes you feel loose and free. Before you know it Jimin is pushing a drink into your hands and you hug him gratefully as you begin chugging it back.

“Woah slow down, we have all night—actually fuck it, I like your spirit tonight!” he chuckles lightly, his hands going to your waist, rocking you to the beat of the blaring music. Trina and Holly disappear into the kitchen to grab more drinks while you and Jimin dance to whatever b…t…ah, forget it, you forgot the band’s name.

“Are you having fun?” Jimin slurs out, his eyes barely visible as he laughs at nothing.

“So much fun!” you yell out over the music then you lean down into his ear and whisper, “Thanks so much Jiminie…I know I was a little difficult…”

“A little?” he teases.

Jimin’s eyes travel behind you before they are widening. You notice, of course. You are about to turn your head to take a look at whatever he is seeing when his snaps back to you in panic, his troubled smile growing.

“Let’s go find Trina and Holly, yeah?” he tries to usher you toward the kitchen and you oblige. Too drunk and feeling too good that his odd behavior goes ignored by you.

“Kay!” you smile, hooking your arm with his. “Letsa go!” you say like you’re fucking Mario.

The two of you walk to the kitchen, finding Trina and Holly playing a game of beer pong with two random guys.

“Hello my bitches!” Trina hollers over the thumping bass, as she scores a cup of pong, her other hand on Hollys lower back.

“Wait, gotta use the bathroom, be right back!” you slur into Jimin’s ear, he just nods distractedly as he watches the game, laughter erupting his body for probably no drunken reason.

You walk back into the living room and start heading towards the other side where the bathroom is. The journey to the bathroom is fun, you accidently bump into a lot of people but they don’t seem to mind as they will just drunkenly smile at you and you would smile back in your own drunken daze. You skim the room with a dopey smile on your face, just admiring the crowd. You are shocked with yourself…you missed people and you cannot believe it. You continue to observe when your eyes land on tattooed hands. The hands are grabbing a handful of ass on the dance floor. You know these hands. Your eyes travel from his hands to his strong arms to his face…it is hiding in the nook of some girls neck and you feel like someone knocked the wind out of you. Jungkook.

He is kissing on some girl, no doubt leaving bruises behind from his attack on her neck. His hands cupping this girls ass so tightly, he guides her hips into his. You watch as she throws her head back in pleasure and you see him smirk. All his signature moves. You are left speechless. What could you even say? Why does this hurt? Why does this make you feel fucking sick? Why does it feel like you aren’t supposed to be witnessing this? Well, you know why but god, why?!

“y/n!!” It’s Jimin, jogging up behind you, “Fuck, I was trying to avoid you seeing this…” he admit softly, “I swear I didn’t think he was going to be here tonight…he didn’t seem that interested when I asked him about it…”

“It’s fine Jimin…” you mumble.

“Does it feel weird? Seeing him with this girl…?” Jimin is obviously trying to get you to admit something right now but you are not in the right head space to even give it a second thought.

“Why should it? Plus I’m used to this…she’s just some random girl for one night.” You twirl the ends of your hair between your fingers.

“Oh babe…” Jimin glances down at the ground, “This girl…she…he’s brought her to every party for the last month…” Jimin sounds as sorry as you feel.

The same girl? That’s impossible, you scoff. There’s no way Jungkook is actually seeing someone. But that doesn’t stop your stomach from twisting and turning and making you feel fucking sick.

“What do you mean?” you finally slur out, leaning your frame on Jimin.

“He brings her and they leave together too…” Jimin holds on to you, “I haven’t really asked him about her though.”

“Whatever. Fuck him, right? I won’t let this ruin my night.” You smile coyly, draping your arms around your friend. “Bathroom please.” You pout theatrically, pointing your head towards the bathroom.

“Okay let’s get you peeing in peace.” Jimin laughs, guiding you towards the door.

Once at the door, you knock a couple times to find that it is empty, “I’ll wait for you out here.” Jimin assures you.

Once inside the small room, you bunch up your skirt and pull down your panties, squatting on the toilet. You sigh in relief as you pee, but the relief you feel in your body stops when you recall the way Jungkook held and kissed this random but not so random girl.

Why should it bother you? It’s about time Jungkook got serious! But why did he have to dump you to achieve that? And why did It have to be with someone el…

You reach for the toilet paper, ripping it after a few sheets and wipe yourself as you drunkenly sing a tune. So what? You can easily replace Jungkook too!

You stand up, pulling your panties up and your skirt down and take a long good look in the mirror. Your hair is still intact, your makeup is only a little smeared—quick fix, and your tits are still poppin’. This night is just beginning, you decide. A whole new wave of confidence begins washing over you.

“Ready!” You pounce on Jimin’s back, he stumbles forward while laughing wholeheartedly.

“Should we look for Trina and Holly again? They’re probably still playing beer pong!”

“Sure.” You smile, walking hand in hand with Jimin as you make your way back to the kitchen.

Hours pass and you are now outside on the back porch piss drunk with your 3 friends and a couple new friends. Nick and his pal that you can’t remember the name of—but you remember Nick. He’s really tall and has nice muscles covering his body, his light hair is messy and looks like you would have fun pulling it.

“And that’s why I think aliens are already here bro, like they are probably here at this fucking party bro.” No name friend finishes his point. Nick holds in his chuckle as his drunk friend rambles.

“Totally bro.” Then his eyes land on you. Fuck, were you staring? Oh well, it’s best to get to the point. You two have been making eyes at each other all night and it’s time to make the next move.

“Hey Nick, wanna grab a drink with me in the kitchen?” you inquire with a sly smile.

Jimin’s eyes widen before he’s smirking “Don’t be silly, wrap that willy.”

Trina and Holly laugh at Jimin’s words while you turn fucking red with embarrassment.

“Sorry about him…” You excuse Jimin, but you continue to smile slyly.

Nick grins with all his teeth as he takes your hand and leads you back inside the house. His hand is much larger than yours and you are already imagining what his beefy fingers will do to your vagina. God, what’s his dick like???

You enter the kitchen and you and him walk towards the cooler full of beers, he lets you stand to the side as he goes to grab them.

“Nick!!!!” you hear a familiar voice and you wince. Jungkook stands next to the cooler, his hand wrapped around the girls hand, but he briefly lets go of it to dap up your fuck for the night.

“What’s up bro!” Nick returns the handshake, a wide smile on his face.

They know each other?

“I thought you said you weren’t coming tonight?” Jungkook’s hand goes back to holding on to the girl.

“I wasn’t going to but,” he nods towards you, “Glad I did.” He winks. Jungkook’s eyes follow Nicks nod and when he sees you stand there awkwardly he goes completely pale. Your eyes meet uncomfortably, Jungkook let’s go of the girls hand without a second thought.

“y/n?” he questions with a pained expression.

“You know her?” Nick asks, totally out of the loop.

You shift from one foot to the other, not really sure what to do or say. So you settle for his name. “Jungkook.” It feels foreign on your tongue. Like if you said it 3 times in a mirror a sinister ghost would come to murder you.

Jungkook opens his mouth then closes it then opens it then closes it again.

“Baaaaabe,” the girl next to him whines, “let’s get out of here already.” She says, not even acknowledging your existence.

Jungkook shamelessly eyes you up and down, his shock is very evident as he looks at you.

You can’t help but smile a little, knowing you look damn good.

“Let’s go too, Nick.” You saunter to his side, grabbing a hold of his bicep.

That’s when Jungkook knocks out of daze, his brows crease as he looks between the two of you.

“Wait—you and Nick?” he asks, completely amused.

“Is that a problem?”

“Nope.” Jungkook looks fucking smug as he smiles, his hand going to grab the girls hand again. “See you later?” he asks you. You of all people! “Uh? Probably not?”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” Jungkook winks, turning around to leave as he leads his girl out.

Nick just continues to smile, completely oblivious, “So cool that we all know each other!” he grips on to your waist.

“Wait, how do you know Jungkook?”

“We—”

“Wait, it honestly doesn’t matter. Let’s just get out of here.”

“My place?” Nick breathes into your ear, he pushes your hips into his crotch so you can feel his half hard cock.

“Why are you already getting hard?” you tease, leaning up to kiss his neck.

“Honestly, I can’t stop staring at your tits. And I am imagining all the things I want to do to them.” He confesses hotly.

The uber ride to his place is short, only 10 minutes and it goes by quickly as you two have one another’s tongues down each others throats. His hands traveling all around your body, he even manages to slip his fingers past your panties to feel how wet you are.

“Fuck I can’t wait to get you inside…” his rapid breaths fan across your face as you nibble on his neck.

“Gonna fuck me?” you whisper quietly, not trying to get heard by the Uber driver, but you could also hardly care if he hears you or not, he gets 5 stars.

“Want you to ride me.” He palms his cock through his pants as he imagines you bouncing on his cock for him.

“If you deserve it like a good boy.” You replace his hand with your own, rubbing him ferociously over his jeans. You haven’t felt dick in months and the feeling is driving you absolutely wild, you haven’t felt this needy in a long time.

The Uber comes to a stop, parking in front of an apartment building. He lets the two of you know you reached your destination. You and Nick giggle as you thank him and stumble out of the car as you follow him to his apartment. He would stop every few seconds to plant kisses on your lips and grab your ass with a tight squeeze. He groans and rolls his eyes back as he explores your body.

“Wait til we’re inside,” you breathe out, your voice silky as hell.

Finally, after a short, kiss filled elevator ride later you arrive at his front door. His lips never leaving yours as he pulls out his keys, fumbling with them until he finds the right one.

He pulls away for a second to unlock the door and desperately pushes it open to let the two of you inside. Your lips are already back on his as you two trip into the entry way of the apartment, you walk him backwards, until his back is against a wall.

The apartment is dark besides the living room TV, you take a second to pull back and admire Nick’s fucked out expression, the blue glow of the TV making everything feel surreal.

You dive back in to kiss him, he prods his tongue into your mouth, swirling it around with yours making you moan into his mouth.

“Hi guys!”

Your eyes shoot open, mouth still attached to Nicks. You push your head back, disconnecting from Nick and yank your head to the left where you see a wild Jungkook sitting on the living room sofa, his mouth full of the cereal he is eating. He is wearing the most shit eating grin you have ever seen on him.

“Jungkook?! What the fuck?” You spit out, totally fucking shocked. Like, obviously.

“Hey man…” Nick breathes out heavily, trying to speak properly, “I thought you would be at Vanessa’s tonight?”

“Nah,” Jungkook smiles, “Dropped her off and came home.”

HOME?

“H-Home?” You look between the two guys, what the fuck does he mean by that. This is Nicks place, right?

“Oh you didn’t know?” Jungkook nods his head toward Nick, “Nick here is my beloved roommate.”

“What the fuck…” you mutter under your breath, trying to understand the mother fucking situation. Were you about to fuck Jungkook’s roommate? Are you still going to is the real question?

“Wait, how do you two even know each other?” Nick starts to look antsy, “Don’t tell me she’s one of the girls you’ve fucked…come on bro, leave some for the rest of us.” He chuckles somewhat bitterly.

“No!” you’re quick to say. You begin smoothing out your skirt, then your hair. “We just…”

“y/n is my bestie!” Jungkook grins, putting the cereal down and standing up. He walks forward until he is making a triangle with you and Nick.

“Was.” You spit out harshly, crossing your arms across your chest. Nick just stands there confused as hell, looking between the two of you.

“Anyway, I should get going.” You turn your body to Nick, a look of apology on your face.

“What? We can just go to my room?” he slurs, tugging on his pants uncomfortably, his boner still apparent.

“Sorry, no longer in the mood.”

You pull out your phone to order an Uber when Jungkook takes your phone from you.

“I’m not drunk, I can drive you.” He offers. You push your head back in disbelief, how does Jungkook have the AUDACITY to offer that to you?

“Why the fuck would I want that?”

“So we can…” His eyes slide over to the ever growing confused Nick, “Talk.”

You haven’t spoken to Jungkook in 3 months and today is finally the day you are able to breathe a little easier and he just has to barge back in.

“Like I said,” You snatch your phone back from him, “Why the fuck would I want that?”

Nick shifts around uncomfortably, his eyes darting from you to Jungkook.

“Well, I am gonna head to my room…uh, bye y/n…it was nice meeting you…I guess…”

You and Jungkook both turn your heads toward Nick at the same time, eyes shooting daggers at him.

“Yeah, bye.” Jungkook dismisses his roommate, his jaw clenching.

“Nice to meet you too…”

Nick walks backward until his back meets his bedroom room, he looks at the two of you one last time before turning around to disappear into his room.

“I said, let me drive you home.”

“And I said, why the fuck would I want that?”

“y/n don’t choose now to be difficult.” Jungkook takes a step closer to you, his hands running through his dark, messy hair. His eyes shut in frustration, “I just want to talk to you.”

“And I don’t want to talk to you.” You take a step back, “Plus, how would your girlfriend feel if you took me home?”

Jungkook’s eyes narrow, his mouth setting in a firm line.

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Could of fooled me and like, everyone else.” You scoff.

Jungkook bites down on his bottom lip, not knowing what to say. While she’s not his girlfriend she’s also not not his girlfriend. It’s complicated.

“Can I please, just please, can I take you home?”

“No, Jungkook. The fucking audacity,” you scoff again, “You haven’t spoken to me in 3 months,” your voice fucking cracks and you feel like dying. “Don’t start now.”

“y/n…” he runs another frustrated hand down his tired face, “I didn’t mean for it to go this long…” “I don’t fucking care, Jungkook.”

You feel your chest begin to burn, and your eyes begin to gloss over but you won’t cry. You won’t give him the satisfaction.

“I want nothing to do with you.”

You stare at the phone in your hands as you begin ordering your Uber when he yanks it from your hands once again, he hides the phone in his back pocket and you snarl.

“What the hell Jeon?”

“I said I am driving you home so we can talk so that’s what we are gonna fucking do, okay?” he grabs your hand and begins walking you towards the front door. There’s something about Jungkook...you decide to listen. You watch silently as he puts on his shoes and grabs his wallet and keys.

“Okay…” you finally answer, your voice timid.

He said you guys are going to talk but the car ride has been mostly silent save the low radio playing in the background. Maybe it’s better this way, you think. You aren’t sober, that’s for sure but you also don’t think you are drunk enough to handle this properly. You decide maybe that’s also for the best.

“You sir, are a fucking asshole.” You speak up, your fingers playing with the zipper of your purse. The car smells like it always does, his fresh laundry car freshener and you get sucked into a million memories linked with this scent.

“I know.” Jungkook eyes you from the driver seat, you shiver from the running AC and so he turns it down, “There’s a blanket in the back if you want to grab it.”

“No thanks, don’t know where that’s been.”

“It’s clean, I promise.”

Your eyes go wide as you recall his last promise to you…”Just a few days. I promise.”

“Yeah, I don’t actually believe in your promises anymore.” You continue to pick at the zipper of your purse, your eyes never leaving the zig and zag of the material.

“I needed space y/n, fucking sue me.” He groans out, his fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Oh I wish I could.” You snap back.

You feel your chest burn and tighten again, your eyes slightly watering. You have to force them shut to keep from any tears growing.

“I called and texted you every day.” You whisper, his grip getting tighter on the steering wheel.

“I gave you a few days Jungkook. But I never heard from you until 11 at night one night telling me you are fucking moving out.”

“I know, that was…fucked up, I admit. But I had to do what I had to do and I just wish you would let me explain that—”

“No.” you cut him off, “You don’t deserve to explain anything.”

“You mean so much to me y/n…”

“Don’t.”

Jungkook pulls over on the side of the road, turning off the ignition.

“What are you doing?” you sputter out.

He clicks his seatbelt off his body and turns to face you, “Getting comfortable.”

“Why?”

“Will you look at me?” Jungkook tilts his head towards you, “Will you please look at me?”

“No.” you stay facing forward, your hands folded in your lap.

“y/n…please.” His voice sounds strained and you almost feel bad. Almost, but not quite.

You don’t need this…you don’t need him. Ouch, you feel pain in your chest as you think that…oh, the lies you tell yourself.

“Say what you need to say Jungkook, so you can take me home.” Your face stays neutral.

Jungkook sighs out, feeling almost defeated, but not quite.

“I…I am so sorry.” He finally says.

“About what?”

“Everything y/n.” his voice cracks and somehow you feel satisfied.

“You’ll have to be more specific if you ever want my acceptance”

“I know…the first thing I am sorry for is not telling you about Taehyung. That was…that was wrong of me—”

“No shit, but go on.” Your voice stays steady as you speak.

“I was worried about other shit, I was selfish and it’s taking me a long time to forgive myself…but I’ve thought a lot about it these last few months and—and…”

“Oh? You’re worried about you forgiving yourself? Shouldn’t you be a little more concerned about I don’t know, me?”

Jungkook frowns at your words, because well, you’re right. And he’s getting to that part but you keep interrupting him. But he lets you.

“Yes. I am most worried about you, of course.” He breathes out. “You have no idea what these 3 months without you have felt like…”

“Really Jungkook? If anyone knows its fucking me. I went 3 months without you too. You left me!” you start to lose your composure as you speak, your hands gripping on to your poor purse. “When I was going through a really hard time you straight up left me.” You whisper.

“Please believe me…I had my reasons. It was truly for the best y/n.”

“For the best?” you scoff. “You’re such an asshole.”

Jungkook winces at your words, he knows you mean them and that hurts him even more.

“Can you just trust me?” Jungkook blurts out.

Huh? You shake your head, disappointed he would say something so …well, ridiculous.

“Just stop, Jungkook.” You hesitantly roll your eyes, still shaking your head.

Jungkook licks his lips over and over, trying to figure out his next words.

“I really really,” he begins to lose it, his eyes darting all around the car. “just need you to trust me.” He blinks repeatedly, his eyes not focusing on anything in particular.

You, of course, do not believe your ears. Trust him? How could you possibly trust him?

“I just really…I really had my reasons y/n. And I’m sorry, but I just need you to just trust me, that I had my reasons and that I do care about you.” His voice is shaky and you’re uncertain how to take this information.

“I’m confused…” you begin, you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. “You want me to trust you? Even after you left me? Even after I ‘threw myself’ at you?!”

“You weren’t in the right head space y/n…you were vulnerable and…and you didn’t actually want me. You just were feeling used and rejected and needed something to make you feel wanted. To feel better. You wanted to use me for that and I couldn’t let you. But how much could I handle? You liked one of my friends, dated him…sort of, even slept with him and I had to be your shoulder to cry on when,” his breathing picks up heavily as he tries to speak, “it doesn’t matter.” He grits out.

You sit there…speechless. He wasn’t wrong, was he? You were feeling lost and rejected and used and you just wanted something or someone to feel better and who better than your best friend? But it’s also his fault you needed things to work out with Taehyung in the first place!

“Jungkook—”

“I’m not done.” He breathes out, his hot breath reaching your skin.

“I needed some space to think. But I realized I couldn’t properly think things through if I saw you every day, so yeah, I moved out. I’m sorry…” He runs a hand through his hair, a light chuckle makes it way past his lips “Then I met Vanessa.”

“I don’t want to talk about your little girlfriend.” You turn to face forward in your seat, your eyes glancing at the stop sign ahead.

“I told you, she’s not my girlfriend. But it is complicated.”

You continue to look straight ahead, your heart racing in your chest. The subject of “Vanessa” making you feel anxious.

“Complicated how?” you gulp.

“Don’t worry about it.” He laughs to himself, you turn your head to look at him.

“Are you serious, Jungkook?”

“We fuck y/n.”

“But it’s more than that right?”

“Yeah…” Jungkook bites down on his lip.

You look at him bewildered.

“Do you like her? Love her?”

You grip your purse in your lap, waiting for his answer. How would you feel if he answers yes? Are you brave enough to endure that answer? And if he says no? should you be happy? Should you feel relieved?

“No.” he closes his eyes, he folds his hands in front of him. “It’s complicated.”

You sign in relief—oh. Relief is the emotion you are feeling. Why? Why should it matter?

“Why are you telling me all of this?” you whisper.

“I want to be friends again, y/n.” he says softly, his eyes searching yours.

This is madness, how the hell could you save this friendship? Your face scrunches up and the first couple of tears slide down your cheeks, you shake your head as they continue to fall.

“You don’t know how this makes me feel…” you cry out. “I don’t even know how it makes me feel.”

You miss him, so fucking much and he’s right here offering himself to you. But you ‘re so hurt.

“y/n…I know I hurt you. But you gotta believe me when I say it is the hardest thing I have had to do…you understand that right? I had to do it…you understand right?” he begs.

“You were so quick to abandon me, Jungkook.” You drop your head into your hands, the tears uncontrollable now.

“I…” Jungkook begins to panic, his own eyes glossing over. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. Please y/n…I can make it up to you.”

“Things would never be the same, you get that right?” you bawl into your lap, your words coming out broken.

“Please baby, I just need you in my life again…” Jungkook admits, his own words choppy. He reaches his hand to touch you, to his surprise you don’t flinch. His hand cups the back of your head and he begins to massage it softly.

“I have missed you so much and nothing I mean nothing can replace you.” He hesitates to continue, “trust me…I have tried.”

You sob into your hands harder, the weight of his words crushing you.

“I’m sorry Jungkook but I…I don’t believe you.”

Jungkook’s eyes widen as he absorbs your words, his mouth falls open in shock. Don’t believe him?

“What—what do you mean? What are you saying?” his panic filled voice makes your stomach churn.

“I reject your offer. Now please take me home.” You lift your head and stare straight ahead. “I’m serious.”

Jungkook face twists into a bewildered expression, he doesn’t believe his ears. You…reject him?

“Wait—”

“I said take me home now.” This time you snap your face in his direction, the cold look in your eyes piercing his very soul.

“Okay.”

Hopeless: the dictionary describes it as without hope ; despairing. But in reality, it’s just a picture of Jungkook’s poor, poor face.

Jungkook parks in his designated spot in the lot of his apartment complex, he reverses in because why the hell not. So extra. His drive home was silent… not even the radio on a low volume keeping him company, just complete silence. He turns the car off but doesn’t make a move to get out, he just continues to sit here in his car and sigh out dramatically every 5 seconds.

He’s so confused and lost on what to do. He bangs his head against the steering wheel a few times just for the hell of it, he just…he didn’t think you would reject him. But honestly? Can he blame you? All he’s done lately is be selfish and mess up over and over again. But he wishes you could just trust him but he also wishes he could just tell you the truth. Maybe then you could understand his position and you wouldn’t be mad at him anymore. But he has to wait.

Jungkook’s head is still banging against the steering wheel when more thoughts of you bombard his mind. His breathing picks up and he starts to sniffle, he doesn’t want to cry but you just…you don’t want anything to do with him. He balls his hands into fists and hit the steering wheel over and over causing the horn to go off a few times but he doesn’t care he’s so upset, he just….

When Jungkook saw you tonight for the first time in 3 months he swears his heart actually stopped. He swears it raced so quickly that it just stopped. He let go of Vanessa’s hand so quickly because he wanted to rush to you and hug you close, he wanted to just feel you. Not having touched your skin for the last 3 months…he doesn’t want to imagine even another day.

A few tears slip past his closed lids, he chuckles darkly as he recalls you and Nick. He thought, wow, the universe is cruel and also hilarious. His fucking roommate? He shakes his head, laughing again but his lips remain downward. He feels so fucking helpless right now. But he deserves this, he deserves to feel this pain. He did this to himself and he’s fully aware of that.

Jungkook thinks of your face, he thinks of your smile, he thinks of your eyes and he cries harder, his tears landing on the steering wheel and sliding down landing on to his lap. Yes, he feels like all hope is lost but he knows he cannot give up. He will win you over again one day. He lifts his head and wipes his tear streaked cheeks with the back of his hand and breathes out steadily.

“y/n…” he whispers to himself. Your name leaves his mouth in frustration. He won’t give up. He can’t.

~~~~

“And they were roommates?!” Jimin shouts, a banana half sticking out of his mouth, Trina gasps and whispers “Oh my god they were roommates.”

“Yeah, it was a total shit show.” You bang your head against your breakfast table. Holly rubs your back as she sits next to you.

“Then what happened?” she pries further.

“Yeah what the hell happened y/n!” Jimin yells out.

“He asked to be friends again…and I totally rejected him. Maybe I was too harsh? He was so sad guys…it makes me think…I might agree to kind of being…friends?”

Jimin shuts his eyes as a frown decorates his face, he places a hand on his hip and he inhales a sharp breath, “Listen…you’re both my friends and of course I want you to be good again…but he hurt you …bad.”

“I know Jiminie, but his reasons…” you bite your lip, “Never mind.”

“Well, I don’t like it.” Trina butts in. “He fucking left you, remember?”

“Yes Trina, I fucking remember—”

“Then fucking act like it!”

“Trina relax,” Holly intervenes. “They have a long history, right? It’s hard to just forget about everything…”

Jimin stands from his chair, hands on both hips. “Fine, if we are doing this…then you better actually try. Don’t half ass shit, if you’re going to be friends then don’t be an asshole to him, don’t make snarky remarks…I know your ass.”

Jimin has a good point, you haven’t actually thought about how you will act.

“I’ll be a good girl.” You raise your right arm to salute him.

“Fucking smart ass.” He rolls his eyes.

“Are we serious right now?” Trina shakes her head, “You moped around for 3 fucking months y/n. You cried every time you even thought of Jungkook…which was a fucking lot.” She points out, “Listen, you stayed strong when you talked to him in the car. Don’t break just because you feel bad for the dude because he’s fucking pitiful. He doesn’t deserve your pity girl. He’s an asshole!”

“Trina, be nice.” Holly says sternly, reaching forward to grab on to Trina’s hand. Trina visibly relaxes and nods her head towards Holly and smiles softly.

You and Jimin share a look. Are they….?

“You…” You slam your eyes shut, Trina’s words ringing loudly in your ears. You know she’s right. “I’ll think about it some more. For now, I gotta get ready for work.”

~~~~

“Doesn’t Hazel look so pretty here?” Adam shoves his phone in your face as he gushes about his girlfriend.

“Yes dude, she’s so pretty.” You deadpan. “Now can you please put the brownies in the oven? We’re low.”

“Wait wait…here’s one of us together at the park.” He nudges his phone in your hands, you roll your eyes but you take it.

The two of them are sitting on a park bench, she’s leaning into his frame and they both have wide smiles on their faces. They seem so in love. And you know they are because fucking Adam reminds you every 20 seconds.

“Their love makes me sick.” Jade walks over, her hands patting down on her work apron, her tone is bland but she still tries to smile. “Like, we get it.”

“Who loves who more?” you begin with a toothy grin, “Adam to Hazel or Lenny to the sugar cookies?” you laugh while pointing at said Lenny stuffing his face with the reject cookies. Jade and Adam chuckle while they stare at him.

“Hey guys, really?” Lenny says with his mouth full. “You know I feel bad when we throw them away.” He pouts, crumbs decorating his lips.

“Lenny I catch you eating fresh ones all the time!” Adam points out.

“Sometimes they’re a little ugly…” Lenny reasons, “So I…”

“You don’t have to explain my guy, you just really love your cookies.” You hand Adam back his phone as you head towards the walk in freezer to take out the brownies yourself. You load up a tray and stick those suckers in the oven.

“You’re useless Adam.” Jade sticks a piece of gum in her mouth and chews obnoxiously “U-s-e-l-e-s-s. Useless.”

“You’re always so mean to me Jade what did I ever do to you?”

All 4 of you shoot your heads up when you hear the bell go off on the door of the bakery, its loud chime signaling the arrival of a customer.

“Oh.” Jade says while popping a bubble. “It’s your usual customer y/n.”

You tilt your head towards the front of the store to get a look at who she is talking about, and yup its him. Your most consistent customer who orders the same damn thing every single day. 2 oatmeal raisin cookies and that’s it.

“Can someone else just take care of him today?” you whine, “I’m not in the mood to argue.”

“You know he’s just going to ask for you…” Lenny says stuffing his face with another cookie.

“God damn it.” You huff out, you grab two gloves from the box on the counter and begin walking towards the front of the store.

You reach the front counter and take in your enemy—you mean, your customer.

“And what do I owe the pleasure Mister Oatmeal Raisin?” you raise a brow towards the man. He’s only a few inches taller than you, his hair is a sandy color today and you hate to admit it looks good on him.

“You know you could just call me by name.” the man sways side to side with a smirk on his face.

“I like Mister Oatmeal Raisin.”

He has been coming to this store for the last couple of months and you two…don’t necessarily get along swimmingly. He complains a lot and is a total smart ass. And you? Well, you’re not much better.

“Well, I’ll have my usual.” He smiles, “And you know the drill, please make sure there is a normal amount of raisins and not a million, I don’t want 8 raisins a bite. But one every now and then.”

You roll your eyes extremely dramatically, pressing the buttons on the screen for his order.

“Sir yes sir.” You salute towards him, “How could I not know the drill?”

“That’s the spirit.”

You spin on your heels and head towards the back to heat up his two cookies. You carefully select one cookie with barely any raisins and one cookie with a million, just like he didn’t want. You cackle to yourself as you place them in the baggy, feeling beyond satisfied.

“How haven’t you gotten fired?” Adam crosses his arms over his chest as he watches you, “And how hasn’t he complained about you? You do this every time I don’t get it.”

“He likes her.” Jade says plainly while scrolling through her phone.

“As fucking if!” you scoff, “He wants nothing but to annoy me!” But you can’t help but smile.

“He literally only asks for you every time you’re in.” Lenny reasons, “but you shouldn’t like him back…he likes the worst cookie on the menu. Sugar is where it’s at.”

You laugh at your coworker while walking back up towards the front of the store, reaching the counter.

“Your cookies!” you hand him the baggy with an evil smirk, “I hope you enjoy them.” You wink.

The man opens the baggy and inspects each cookie and with his own evil smirk he winks back at you, “Are we serious right now?” his sly smile doesn’t leave his face as he begins to complain, “You are such a brat.”

“$4 Mister Oatmeal Raisin.”

He hands you the cash, you put it away quickly and with a wide smile you gesture towards the door for him to leave.

“Min Yoongi.” He shakes the bag of cookies in front of him, “Not Mister Oatmeal Raisin.” He turns around and starts walking towards the door but before he exits he tilts his head to look at you one last time, “See you tomorrow…y/n.”

You feel a harsh blush creep up on your cheeks, or your whole face actually. Maybe your whole body. You feel taken aback he knows your name but then you remember you have a god damn name tag.

“Uh…yeah.”

“See you tomorrow…y/n.” all 3 of your coworkers mock in a deep voice.

“Shut up guys!” you whine into your hands, “Can we please just get back to work!”

~~~~~

A few weeks later

The drive to Jimin’s is a quick 7 minutes but you did take a little detour. You decided to stop at the pizzeria that’s on the way and grab a hot pizza for the two of you.

“Hehe.” You look over to the steamy food sitting in the passenger seat.

Jimin has been such a great friend to you all this time and you feel like you’ve never really thanked him…so, tonight you two are going to have a fun night in—he just doesn’t know it yet.

Who doesn’t love being surprised with food?

You pull up to Jimin’s apartment complex and after driving in circles you finally find a parking spot. You grab your purse, your backpack, and the pizza and make your way up to his apartment.

You knock on his front door a few times but get no answer. Maybe he’s not home? No, you definitely hear music coming from the other side…so, you decide to call him.

“Hello?”

“Jimin~ let me in!” you sing into the phone.

“You’re—you’re here?”

“Let me in already!” and with that you hang up and wait patiently outside the door.

A few moments pass before the door is opening up, when Jimin really registers that it’s you he’s kind of closing the door until only his face is shown through the crack.

“Ummm…yes?”

You quirk a brow at the boy, “What do you mean ‘yes?’ let me in!” you begin walking forward when a panicked Jimin opens the door wider to let himself outside and shut the door behind him.

“y/n…why are you here? Did we have plans tonight?” he looks down at the pizza in your hands.

“Not exactly…” you admit, “But I figured we could have a night in.”

Jimin frowns. Fucking frowns!

“Or not?” you say awkwardly.

You hear some sort of banging on the other side of the door and then it clicks.

“Oh? You have someone over?” you smirk.

“Uhhh…no. Nothing like that.” Jimin’s eyes slide to the side as he tries to think of what to say next.

“Babe—”

“Jimin!”

The door is being swung wide open and your eyes travel from some horrendous toes socks to some tight jeans to a striped t shirt to yes, Jungkook’s surprised face.

“Oh.” You both say at the same time.

You and Jungkook stare at one another for a few moments, neither of your eyes leaving the other when Jimin clears his throat.

“Sorry y/n. Jungkook is already over…” he gives you an apologetic smile.

“Is it just you two?” you ask quietly.

“Huh? Uh, yeah.”

You glance down at the pizza and think to yourself. You and Jungkook may not be friends but you can be civil? Yeah, totally! You can definitely be civil! You already bought this fucking pizza so you and Jimin are going to eat it! And you guess, Jungkook too.

“Okay, let me in.” you start shoving your way past Jimin, you watch as his and Jungkook’s eyes go wide.

“Maybe you didn’t hear him, but I am already hanging out with him?” Jungkook sputters out. He awkwardly moves to the side anyway to let you through.

“I can be civil with you Jungkook. Plus, I don’t want this pizza to go to waste. So let’s eat.” You walk through, nudging the pizza box into Jungkook’s hands, he takes it while looking at Jimin with shocked eyes.

Jimin just shrugs and follows you inside.

“Yeah, let’s eat.” He says nonchalantly.

Jungkook is left at the door with the pizza in his hands as he is left completely dumbfounded. He is malfunctioning.

“Jungkook?” you call out over your shoulder, “Hurry up, I’m hungry!”

“Yeah, Jungkook hurry up!” Jimin smirks, he isn’t totally sure what’s going on but he kind of likes it.

“So what were you guys doing before I got here?” you shove an entire slice of pizza down your throat, the sauce getting left behind on your lips.

“I was teaching Jungkook some of my dance moves…we made a bet that he couldn’t learn the entire routine in 3 times…and—”

“Let me guess, he fucking learned it.” You laugh.

Jimin groans, his head thrown back as he begins nodding his head ‘yes.’

“So annoying! What can’t he do!” Jimin throws the pizza crust in the box and Jungkook immediately picks it up and eats it.

“Pshh, I could name a few things.” You point out bitterly. “But we won’t get into that.”

“Yeah, please don’t.” Jimin pleads.

“I’m curious…what is it you think I cant do?” Jungkook quirks a brow at you and your eyes darken in his direction.

“You really want me to?” you take a napkin and wipe your lips, “It’s nothing nice.” You admit.

“Oh then yes, please don’t.” Jungkook is quick to say.

“Yes, please don’t.” Jimin begs again.

The 3 of you are sitting on the living room floor, maybe only 30 minutes or so has passed by and it’s not too awkward. But it’s not necessarily comfortable either. Jimin looks between you and Jungkook constantly, waiting for someone to crack but neither of you really speak to each other. Both of you really only communicating with Jimin.

“So Jimin, are you going to show me another routine?”

“Why? So you can prove you’re the master of everything again? No thanks.”

“Jimin, maybe you can show me a few steps?”

Jimin smiles awkwardly while Jungkook is quick to burst out laughing. You snap your head towards Jungkook and raise your brows at him.

“Why is Jungkook laughing, Jimin?”

“Umm…” Jimin smiles softly, “You aren’t the most…”

Jungkook laughs harder as he watches Jimin trying to explain.

“Aren’t the most…?” You tilt your head towards the boy.

“C’mon y/n don’t make me say it…” Jimin drags out his words in a whine, he plays with his fingers, looking around the room awkwardly.

“Just say it Jimin.” Jungkook chuckles out.

“If you’re trying to say I’m a bad dancer, we all know that’s not true!” you defend once you catch on, you pout at the boys.

“Well…”

“You have both told me I am a good dancer!”

“Well, you know how to move. But steps…following a routine…that’s different. You aren’t very coordinated.” Jimin finally admits, a sheepish grin on his face.

“He means you can roll your hips but your feet are clumsy as fuck.” Jungkook says, still laughing at the situation.

“Shut up.” You glare at Jungkook.

“No, he’s right.” Jimin begins laughing as well, he looks at you and smiles. Well, if Jimin is saying it…maybe it might be true. It’s not like you didn’t kind of know. But still!

“Fine, whatever. Don’t teach me then.”

Suddenly, Jimin’s phone is going off and he rushes to the kitchen to answer it. You and Jungkook eat your pizza in silence, awkwardly catching one another’s gaze.

“So—”

“Don’t talk to me.” You cut in. Jimin isn’t here so it’s not like you have to be totally social with Jungkook.

“Oh.” Jungkook dramatically slumps his shoulders and pouts. You watch him as he throws a silent fit like the baby he is. “Okay.”

Jimin walks back into the living room looking annoyed, he stands between you two and throws a hand on his hip.

“I have to go down to the front office, there was a mix up in packages…I shouldn’t take too long…” he bites down on his plump bottom lip, “Please be civil while I’m gone. Jungkook…” he looks at the boy then at you, “y/n…” he warns.

“Sir yes sir!” you salute towards your friend with a straight face.

Jimin only narrows his eyes as he looks between you two.

“I’m serious…” he says.

Then he is putting on some shoes and heading out the front door, the soft click making you shudder. You’re alone with Jungkook.

A few minutes pass and you both awkwardly just sit there, sometimes catching the other looking. You finally huff out and accidentally giggle.

“What’s funny?” Jungkook’s curiosity getting the best of him.

“It’s just…I feel like we’re Jimin’s divorced parents and we’re trying to be civil for our child.”

Jungkook stares at you with scrunched brows, then looks away while a chuckle escapes his lips.

“Yeah. You’re right.”

You only nod your head in response. You two go back to the awkward silence.

You aren’t used to this…this awkward and odd silence that lingers between you two. It feels so fucking suffocating you almost wish you were on total talking terms so you didn’t have to endure this shit show.

“You know I could…no, forget it.” Jungkook bites his nails as he speaks, “I…”

“What?” you don’t mean to snap at him, but somehow even talking with an attitude feels better than not talking at all.

“I was going to say…I could teach you some steps…then you could surprise Jimin. He’s been working on a salsa piece…I can teach you some? Then maybe he will stop talking shit on your dancing.” Jungkook laughs awkwardly.

“Wait—he talks shit?!” somehow this doesn’t surprise you in the least.

“Only a little.” Jungkook shows you how little with his pointer finger and thumb. “But uh, want me to show you?”

“I don’t even want to talk to you, you think I want to dance with you?” you raise a brow in amusement. You forget this boy has all the audacity.

“Dancing doesn’t have to have any talking.” Jungkook states with a sly smile.

“So you’re just going to show me the steps?”

“Precisely.”

You don’t know why, but this sounds better than actually speaking and/or just sitting in miserable silence. And maybe, just maybe you have a desire to be close to him.

“You think I could learn in time before Jimin gets back?”

“With me as your teacher? Definitely.” He fucking smirks at you and you can’t help but feel that feeling in your stomach. Not necessarily a bad feeling but a fucking feeling.

Jungkook stands to his feet and extends his hand out to you for you to take.

“Here, stand up.”

Your eyes travel from his hands to his eyes and you blink lazily at him…wait, you’re really doing this? He stares down at you and he smiles softly and it creates a warmth in your chest that you’re trying so hard to ignore. You can’t.

Even so, you hesitantly begin to reach up to grab on to his hand, once your skin touches his you feel it. The burning. You should be used to it but right now, the fire is raging and the heat is almost too much. But you let him close his hand over yours as he helps you up.

You’re now standing in front of one another, in complete silence again. But this time it’s not awkward—no, it’s a different type of tension. Your hand lingers in his, neither of you brave enough to let go of the other. Jungkook looks down at you and you up at him, and you feel a million things. But the number one thing you feel is pain. You slowly pull your hand back and break eye contact with him, your head dropping low.

“Show me already.” You whisper.

“Shh, no talking.” Jungkook quietly demands. “Only speak with your body.” He puts some music on the speakers and smirks at you.

Jungkook steps closer to you and you stay grounded in your spot, you can feel the heat of his body begin to radiate and warm you. One of his hands find yours, he weaves his fingers through your own and puts one hand on your hip, he looks down at you to warn you this is how he will guide you.

“Just follow me.”

“You said no talking Mr.Jeon.” you say almost under your breath as you stare into his eyes. Jungkook rolls his head back with a smirk on his face, he looks at you and nods.

He puts his left foot forward and steps with his right foot in the same place at center, then puts his left foot back again. You try to copy his moves but even with such simple steps you step on his feet. He looks up at you disapprovingly. You only smile at him.

You two continue to try these steps until you finally manage to understand them even just a little bit. Jungkook brings your body closer to his as you two move your hips to the music while following the simple steps. His chest flush against your own, his heart beating so loudly you can feel it. Your heart isn’t any better. You start to finally get the hang of it, the music slowly taking you to another place. Jungkook moves his hips to the beat so flawlessly and honestly? You’re doing pretty fucking good if you do say so yourself.

Jungkook’s grip on your hip tightens as he grinds himself closer to you, you feel lightheaded as you two dance to the song. Your breathing getting just a little heavier and you feel lost and pathetic but you’re too immersed in the dance to care. Jungkook finds his head falling into the crook of your neck, his hot breaths fanning against your sensitive skin and you find your hand skimming up his back until you have a handful of his hair. You lightly tug on his locks and Jungkook quietly groans. You don’t know if you’re even doing the right steps anymore, your feet moving all around the place, but somehow it’s working. You’re still following his lead and you’re sure the dance looks somewhat okay. All you care about is how both of your hips move to the beat of the music and into each other. You two are so in sync its driving you nuts.

Jungkook lifts his head and watches as you close your eyes and he closes his own eyes, his head falling forward, your foreheads close to touching. You feel so dizzy, so light and airy, so fucking great like you’re floating. You can’t help but feel the heat creep up your entire body, you feel sweat start to build as you two move. You tighten your hands around Jungkook’s neck and pull him down impossibly close, until his forehead is touching yours. Your harsh breaths mingling with his. You get dragged into the memory of when he had you pinned to his dorms mattress, you recall how his lips left kisses all along your throat, his hot breath reminding you of the past. You think of how he rolled his hips into you effortlessly then as well, you think of how you scraped your nails down his back as he thrusted into you. God, you need to think of something else but Jungkook is filling your mind.

Jungkook’s breathing picks up again, as does yours. Your memories making this dance that much more sensual. You remember the way Jungkook nibbled on your ear as he let filthy words spill from his mouth when he fucked you. God, you should not be thinking this but his body feels so good. God, you should think of anything…literally anything else. You remember how he held you close much like how he is right now. You two continue dancing to the song that is soon coming to an end. You know exactly how it feels to have Jungkook inside you, moving and stilling. You know exactly what it feels like to come all around his cock. God, you need to stop. You need to slow your breathing. God, you…you…you...he continues to guide you along to the music when you feel something hard poke against you. Oh. Oh. OH. Hard. He’s hard.

Immediately, you pull back and take several clumsy steps backward. You blink at him with wide eyes when you realize that maybe he was recalling the same memories as you. Your wide eyes concerning Jungkook.

“Okay, that’s enough lessons for today.” Your harsh breaths don’t go unnoticed by Jungkook, his own breathing quite unsteady.

“Right.” Jungkook mumbles.

You two stand around for a few moments, just taking in the experience you just shared.

You still feel…how do you feel? You just shared a hot dance with your best friend? Wait—ex best friend? You don’t know. The memory of his body moving with yours, his skin touching your skin, his breaths on your neck, his hair balled up in your hands. God, it felt so good.

But so wrong.

“Umm…thanks.” You finally say.

Jungkook perks up at the gratitude, even if it’s somewhat forced. His frown turns into a small smile and you can’t help but smile back.

“I miss you y/n.” Jungkook instantly regrets it by the look on your face. Your expression turning hard. “Sorry I—”

“No, I miss you too.” You answer honestly. “But this doesn’t change anything.”

“But why not? Do you really not want me in your life for like, ever?”

Jungkook’s questions settle deep within you. The depth they hold…it’s too much. You wonder? Is this anti-Jungkook thing permanent? Or are you just trying to teach him a lesson?

Jungkook rubs his temples as he thinks, he sighs out instead of talking more.

“Not forever.” You finally say. Jungkook looks at you, a sliver of hope flashes across his face.

“But when?” he asks softly.

Yeah y/n. When? You know you both can’t go back to how things use to be but maybe starting over? God, you don’t know what to do! You know someone like Trina will be disappointed you became friends with Jungkook again so quickly, but you know someone like Jimin would be happy his two friends are back to being on okay terms. Why are you trying to please everybody? What do you want?

“Will you ever give up?” you say a little more lightly.

“No…” he says under his breath, his eyes focusing on the TV. “Not until you agree to be my friend again.”

You look at Jungkook with disbelief written all over your face, this boy has the fucking audacity once again. You’re amused though.

“Excuse me?” you say, cleaning your ear out with your point finger. “I didn’t catch that.”

Jungkook looks into your eyes, his eyes are large and doe like and it brings you back to every moment ever that he has given you this look.

“You’re stuck with me until you love me again.” He says more firmly.

“Who said,” you look at him with soft eyes, “That I ever stopped loving you?”

Jungkook smiles, he fucking smiles. His adorable bunny smile that makes your heart race.

“You still love me?”

“Only a little.” You jut your lip out, “I mostly hate you.”

Jungkook only frowns for a second before he is smiling again, “That’s fair.”

The two of you stand in comfortable silence for a few minutes, you sway back and forth wondering what you want to say to him—you miss him, of course but…

“Let’s take it slow.” You finally break the silence. You miss him more than anything and it might be worth it to have him in your life again, “You aren’t going to be a priority in my life anymore.” You crack you knuckles, the sound filling up the room.

“I know,” Jungkook feels his heart twist at your words but at least it’s something. “We can go however slow you want y/n.”

“You are on—”

“Thin fucking ice, buddy. I know.”

You exhale a shaky breath, thinking about how to go about this, “We can text every now and then, I’m not sure I want to hang out with you quite yet.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe a group hang out first…”

“I’d like that.”

Jungkook reaches over to grab your hand but you pull back, “That’s a no from me for the affection.”

Hurt flashes across Jungkook’s features but he softens up as he nods his head. “Noted.”

You wonder if you’re making the right decision. This wasn’t easy, you know? This actually felt quite hard. But somehow you feel like some weight has been lifted off your shoulders, like things maybe just maybe will be okay.

“I won’t push myself on you, I promise.” Jungkook sits back down on the floor, crossing his legs.

“Just be yourself, Jungkook.”

“If I wanted to be myself I would be hugging you right now but that’s apparently off limits.” He jokes.

“One hug.” You open your arms timidly. You feel one hug can’t be too bad?

Jungkook widens his eyes in pleasant surprise. He stands to his feet again and opens his own arms.

“C’mere.”

You watch in disbelief as he grins with his arms wide open, expecting you to go to him! And you do. You fucking do.

His arms wrap around you, he pushes you into his chest and you feel so fucking good. So warm, so cozy. His scent making you feel dizzy again, his warmth causing you to heat up. You lean back and look at his content face, he honestly looks so fucking content. Like, this hug is everything to him. And maybe it is, but you don’t know that.

“Uh, am I interrupting something?” you both snap your heads toward the front door to see Jimin standing there with a package in his hands.

“I can come back later?” he smirks at you two.

“No no no no!” you drop your arms from hugging Jungkook and take a few steps back, “We were just—”

“We made up, Jimin.” Jungkook says calmly with the softest smile you’ve ever seen on him.

“We’re taking it slow!” you rush to say.

“Oh?” Jimin winks, he walks forward until he’s in the living room joining you two. “Does this mean you will be joining us this Thursday at Jungkook and Nick’s place?”

“Huh?”

Jungkook shifts on his feet, “Yeah, uh, me and Nick are having a small get together on Thursday…you can bring whoever you want…but you’re definitely invited.”

“Before I answer that…Jimin how did you not know about Nick and him being Jungkook’s roommate?”

“Listen! Jungkook is always HERE! I never go over there! The few times I was there Nick was never home okay?!” Jimin whines obnoxiously.

“Okay, whatever. And Jungkook, I said—”

“You said group hang outs.” Jungkook pouts.

Oh. You did say that. But this soon? And is she going to be there?

You chew on your lips before answering, “Okay. But I’m bringing Trina and Holly.”

“Oh bro, Trina is not your biggest fan.” Jimin cuts in.

“Yeah, I know how she is I already anticipated that.” Jungkook shrugs, he looks at you with a small smile.

Okay, starting over? Taking it slow? Can you and Jungkook do this? You look between the boys and smile,

“Okay. See you boys on Thursday.”

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[angeltiddies]

eternal skyline of a spotless mind- or the one where the first 5 or so minutes of 15x20 are the only minutes i accept. 

in which i ramble a whole ficlet on accident and y’all i need the full fic. yes there’s a tinnnny bit of smut. also spn 15x20 spoilers slightly 

now i want the fic where dean applies to be a mechanic, gets the job, does real good. he and miracle live in the bunker, sam and eileen moved out a year ago now to follow a job opportunity for eileen. it’s a big place to be alone in. he keeps watching over and over all of the movies he has in a file entitled ‘cas’ favourites’ he sips whiskey, a responsible amount, and pets miracles head while his head is on his lap. sometimes he dives into the lore, he’s glad sam isnt here to give him shit about finally doing his research, but he’s trying to find a way to cas. to save him. and one day he tries to mix up a spell thatll open a portal into the dark nothing and his ingredients sputter and spark and he thinks it’s gonna work this is it, and it just doesnt. the smoke clears, the sparks stop popping, and there’s nothing. and so that night he goes into the dungeon draped in one of cas’ old trenchcoats and he sits in that spot he had to sit years ago and he cries, and miracle sits beside him and he cries because he’s trying he’s trying to live for love he’s trying to do right by cas and he just....he cant...cas died thinking dean didnt...didnt love him. and god, does dean love him. so he cries and he whispers iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou and he falls asleep on the concrete, uses miracle as a pillow but dean doesnt think he minds. and he wakes up in the morning, eyes puffy, and he drags himself to work, and he’s back to square one. and this continues for a while, dean doesnt really remember when he tried the spell, but it’s been a while. a month, maybe more. and he goes into work, and there’s a new car for him to work on. it’s old, a classic, but dean kinda thinks she’s more junk than classic, sue him, and he starts working on it, and he opens the trunk to pop a particularly stubborn dent out of it, the client’s not paying for that but he just can’t let the car be driven around all beat up, and there, right in the trunk, is a trenchcoat. bundled up, and tan and big and dean grabs it, he shouldnt but he does and his heart is beating so fast as he brings it to his nose and smells it and it’s cas it has to be and so he rushes to the front office, demands to know who the client is, when are they coming by and as he’s going completely wild wanting to know everything it suddenly goes calm. because there, in a worn flannel and blue jeans, is cas. castiel. and dean just looks for a moment, to convince himself its real, and then hes rushing to a wide eyed cas and saying ‘you stupid son of a bitch’ and crashing his lips into those ones which he has wanted for and then cas isnt really kissing back so dean stops because he...he cant take anything more from cas, he needs to give and he...he stops himself because what if...what if this wasn’t what cas wanted, so he pulls back, lets his hands linger on the soft of the flannel, and then cas is speaking, head quirked, ‘do i...do i know you?’ and fuck. his heart drops right out of his ass. his knees buckles and hes on his way down when castiel catches him, pulls him up, hand on his shoulder, and he holds on to him. and dean lets out a ‘you don’t remember?’ and castiel says, ‘no. i...i dont i’m so sorry.’ and dean thinks all hope is lost until cas asks, ‘i know this is too much to ask but it...appears i know you, and i kind of just, woke up one day in a field and i...i dont really have anywhere to go..and um’ and hes rambling but he’s determined to get his little angel back, all the way back, so he says, ‘you wanna come home with me, angel?’ and cas grins and dean wants to see that grin everyday of his life. so he finishes cas’ car, lets him trail behind as they drive to the bunker. he doesn’t explain it really, just opens the door and says ‘well, heres the place’ and cas walks in and looks at everything with such wonder. and he brushes his fingers across the gold embossing of an angel on one of the books there and dean just watches, listens to cas breathing, aches to touch.

he sets cas up in his old room, cas quirks a head when he sees all the suits and ties in the closet, says something like ‘now i understand why i woke up looking like a tax accountant’ and hes being good old cas, sticking so close to dean and he’s sitting beside him to watch a movie and miracle is sprawled across their legs and cas says, ‘i could get used to this’ and dean says, ‘yeah cas, me too.’ so they sit and they watch and they repeat that day in day out and the bunker isnt so lonely anymore, and he and cas do everything together, and dean researches spells to get cas’ memory back. he thinks it has to do with the fact that his grace got ripped out in the process, theres a small nick on his adams apple that he recognizes as the place it must have left, but he coughs himself out of thinking about that neck and those lips and that hair and those thighs and- he hasnt kissed cas since the first day, he longs to. he sees the way this cas looks at him and he wonders. he wonders if maybe...maybe this castiel can learn to love him again. and it’s going on a year now. cas works down at the local flower shop and has an apiary on the hill above the bunker, deans still in his same routine of life, and they’re not...they’re in the same place they were before cas confessed. just, in this middle ground, this unspoken something, so as he lies beneath a car he decides, the happiness isnt in the having its in just being in just saying it, so he goes home that night, picks up flowers from a competing shop bc he doesnt wanna spoil the surprise, and sets up the table. cas’ name is still carved there, cas had laughed when he first saw it because “what kind of long name is that,” and dean was bursting with fond. and anyways he lays down a table cloth and lights a candle and waits. shaking in his skin just waiting for cas to get home, and then cas is walking in saying ‘hello, dean’ and running down the stairs, groceries in paper bags overflowing in his arms, and his hair is disheveled and dean helps grab a bag and puts it in the kitchen and waits for cas to follow and see...the set up. and cas asks, what’s this about? and dean looks at cas and takes a deep breath and says, ‘someone once told me there’s happiness in just....fuck...in just saying it so here goes. and its okay if you..if you dont but...’ and cas is getting closer, his head quirked and deans heart is beating out of his chest and he says ‘i love you.’ and then cas is rumbling, ‘dean, look at me’ and so he does, looks up into wide blue eyes and cas is smiling. smiling so big and beautiful and dean wants to hear it he needs to hear it he needs- ‘i love you too, dean winchester’ and then theyre kissing again, kissing and holding and deans a little embarrassed but hes crying and then theyre skipping dinner entirely and cas has his hand on deans bare shoulder and hes shivering into the touch its so overwhelming and he fucks himself down onto cas’ cock and cas digs his fingernails into deans thighs and looks up at him blue and beautiful and overwhelming and deans pretty sure he blacks out when he comes except, he doesnt, because his eyes are open and the lights in the room are all busted and cas is lying there under him looking up, dean thinks so at least, he can’t really see him and so he laughs and he laughs and he’s not really registering what happened, a beautifully timed power outage like something divine saying this is how you met and he’s here still and you finally have him and so he climbs off of cas and grabs something to wash them up and a candle or two from the table and when he comes back, and wipes the damp cloth gingerly across cas’ body he notices cas tense and he sees in the candlelight cas is looking very serious and he stops being sweet just asks ‘cas? whats wrong’ and cas says, ‘dean? dean. dean winchester... dean...righteous soul the one i fell for and will always fall for the one i love the one i have always...’ and dean dives back on top of cas and kisses him senseless because now cas remembers everything before and he remembers everything after and everything now and its perfect

and honestly they still arent really sure what happened except that maybe the spell needed angel mojo so it snagged it from cas or maybe the empty curled itself around cas mind and all it needed was the Loud of too many emotions to overflood it but all that matters is that they are here together.

and then one day, at the dinner table, cas looks at dean and he says ‘dean, will you....’ and he shuffles inside his pocket and presses a box into deans hand and its- ‘will you marry me?’ and dean is practically leaping over the table to kiss cas and saying “yes yes yes of course of course i wanna grow old with you i wanna be with you always in life and death in everything always together”

and cas is crying because he could have what he wanted, he has the one thing he wants most and dean wants him most too.

and then dean is pulling back and cas is looking pensive and he says, ‘there is one thing, dean.’ and dean looks worried so he places his hand on his knee and he says, ‘i want to be human, all the way human.’ and dean looks like he wants to protest or cry and hes not sure which it is but then dean is crying and saying ‘ill help’ and then the next day theyre out with the bees, because cas thinks his grace will do them good, and dean holds cas’ hand in his tightly and follows that little nick on his throat and opens it ever so slightly with the angel blade and tries not to think about how hes hurting the person he loves and he loves and he loves and then the grace is flowing away and dean captures it in a bottle, hands it to cas, who later pats it down in the ground so they can grow a new tree, and dean gives cas two little stitches on his throat and kisses all around them and washes cas hair for him in the shower and then

when the day comes, they go together, they get to live with one another and watch the sunsets on their front porch with miracle and jack and sam and eileen all looking out over an eternal skyline.

[haikyuu-sickfics]

I accidentally deleted all the original asks but I got them copied

Also; going on hiatus

-

hello, may i request a sick kita and the whole team goes to take care of him because no one's home with him? can i request a sick kita fic and the whole team visites him? Hi, can I request a sick Kita fix and the team goes to visit him at his house?

Shinsuke's absence wasn't immediately noticed during morning practice.  Though, what was noticed, was the slight off-ness of the teams dynamic. No one could properly place their finger on the odd change in atmosphere, how everyone was just ever-so-slightly more restrained than usual.  No one felt the usual omnipresent pressure urging them to do play to their limit, nor did they even notice that they weren't playing their usual. Aran puzzled over this mysterious feeling for well over half of practice, flubbing easy recieves and stumbling on flat ground as his mind struggled to apply an explanation to the ball in his chest. He took one more count of the team, thinking of their number and looking for their face. 2... 3... 4... 5... Wait. "Are we missing someone?" Aran wondered outloud, already knowing the answer. "Kita-kun is out today, he sent a text saying he's come down with something," one of the coaches confirmed, not looking up from his notepad. Once the absence was announced, everyone felt it's full force.  Various members of the team began to slack off, distracted by concern for their captain.  The coaches, who noticed the sudden drop in performance, decided it best to call practice off a bit early. Most of the team walked off to change into their school clothes, however a small handful remained to discuss the elephant in the room- or rather, the elephant missing from the room. "It feels weird without Kita-san here," Osamu commented, his thought drifting off into the dense atmosphere. "D'ya think he's alright?" Aran added, eyebrows furrowed with concern. "I dunno... isn't Ba-chan gone this week?  Who's there with him?"  Michinari deduced out loud, nibbling on his inner cheek. "Shouldn't we get him something?  Like a get-well-soon card at the very least?  Remember when Atsumu got sick and he gave him that bag," Rintarou brought up, shoulders raised to warm his neck. "Yea!  We should make him a basket!  We can put like food and drinks and toys and then all deliver it in person!" Atsumu chimed, enthusiasm pouring out of him. "Wouldn't that put us in danger of contagion?" Ren- the only one not completely blinded by Shinsuke's aura- countered. Michinari shrugged his shoulders before countering, "we can wear masks.  Plus I'm sure he's more concerned of contagion than we are- he'll have something figured out." "So we'll meet up at the usual place after the bell?" Rintarou asked. Various guestures of approval responded to him before the group dispersed. -- It had been 5 minutes since Ren had walked up to their meeting place, greeting Aran, Rintarou and the Miya's with a small wave.  Michinari had yet to show up, leaving the small gathering with arms crossed to ward off the cold. "Can't we just go without him?" Atsumu whined, impatience tearing at his every muscle. "If you want to be on his bad side, be my guest," Aran countered, arms raised in surrender, "but don't come crawling to me when yer ankles get bit." Atsumu scowled- though much exageration was put into his words, Aran did have a small point.  No one in their right mind sought to be on Michinari's bad side.  They wouldn't get physically hurt, but the cold shoulder from someone as cheerful as the libero was enough to debilitate anyone. "I'm here!  I went to the konbini to get stuff!" Aforementioned libero shouted, jogging up to the group with plastic bags hanging off his left arm while his right was raised with greeting. "S'bout time, c'mon let's go," Ren responded, leading the group towards the Kita household. -- "Knock knock, open up!" Michinari shouted through the door, "we brought soup and stuff!" "It's unlocked," A voice, certainly not Shinsuke's, croaked from inside. "Who's with him?" Rintarou wondered outloud, voicing the thoughts of everyone in the group. "Let's find out," Michinari pushed open the door. "Kita-san!  We're here!" Atsumu shouted, his hands cupped around his mouth. "Shhh!  He prob'ly has a headache," Osamu reprimanded, chopping his brother lightly on the shoulder. "He's over here, guys," Aran observed, calling

the rest of the team over. Curled up on the couch in a cacoon of blankets sat none other than their captain.  A cold compress sat on the floor, long since abandoned.  Ghastly pallor accentuated the black and red rimmed eyes resting above flushed cheeks.  Dried tears and sweat decorated his discontent face. Michinari was the only one who had the courage to approach the blanket blob, wrapping his arms around the lump before sitting next to it. "Yew're so hot!  How can you be comfortable with all these blankets on?" "Everythings cold and I don't know why." Removing his left arm from the hug, Michinari brought his hand up to check for fever.  Brushing aside the damp fringe, the skin on Shinsuke's forehead was radiating heat.  Frowning, Michinari checked his cheeks, brushing away the tear tracks gently with his thumbs. "We need to take some of these blankets off, you have a really bad fever," Michinari asserted, his voice shockingly serious. "But... what if I become cold again?" Shinsuke pouted. Standing in the corner, the group was aghast by how out of character the third years were acting.  No one had expected Shinsuke to be so... well, sick.  Their captains state was discouraging, the sight left their hearts aching with the want to help. "Kita-san," Rintarou began, taking a tentative step forward, "we'll be here to make sure you don't get cold.  You'll feel better sooner if you take off some of the blankets." Unease swirled in his stomach.  His tongue felt heavy, almost as though it was choking him.  It did not feel right for Rintarou to be talking to his composed captain in such a way.  Shinsuke was supposed to be the one with a clear mind and unclouded judgement, he should know the logistics of fevers. Instead he just frowned, not moving as Michinari peeled the blankets away. "It's cold again," he practically cried as fresh air came into contact with his skin. "Is this better?" asked Michinari as he pulled Shinsuke into his chest.  The two were roughly the same size, but the latter's huddled figure allowed the two to fit together like a puzzle piece. "Are they... y'know?" Rintarou flopped his wrist. "Nope, Akagi's like this with everyone," Aran responded, picking up the discared konbini bag, "I'll heat up the soup in the kitchen, you guys find something to do." Mumbling something about rice, Osamu followed Aran out the door.  Ren walked over to the couch and scooped the wet cold compress off the floor, setting it on the table before addressing his underclassmen. "Can one of ya's replace this?" Rintarou jumped onto the oppurtunity to be of use, picking up the dripping material between his thumb and forefinger.  A momentary grimace flashed on his face as the unpleastant texture shocked him, but he was able to quickly steel himself and take the object away.  While he was occupied, Ren busied himself with folding up the blankets, placing them neatly in a stack on the floor adjacent to the couch. At this time, Rintarou returned with a freshly dampened rag, carefully folding before gingerly swiping back Shinsuke's hair and lining the fabric up where scalp met forehead.  Initially, the ill captain winced from the cool touch before relaxing into it as Rintarou continued smoothing his hair back.  The repeated motion coupled with the middle blockers careful application of pressure provided for an incredibly soothing feeling. It wasn't until he caught a glimpse of Michinari's smirk did he revoke his hand, a light flush spreading across his features. "Oh c'mon, why'd you stop?" Michinari whisper-spoke upon seeing Shinsuke's face fall. "You, he.  The, and, cold warm hand," Rintarou responded. "Yea okay, well, if ye're just gonna stand there like Hachishaku-sama why don't you have a seat behind me and fill the gap between me n' the armrest," Michinari smiled at his own light hearted taunt while Atsumu cackled - the latter earning a cocked eyebrow for his hypocrasy, "'M backs killin' me and I'd love something to lean against right about now." "Oh, sure yea.  Yea okay," Rintarou sat on the couch normally, his

right shoulder towards his upperclassmen. "Yea, this isn't gonna work, I'll just slide back," Michinari nudged Rintarou away before repositioning himself. At this moment Aran and Osamu reappeared with soup and rice cupped respectively in their dominant hands.  Michinari looked down onto Shinsuke to prepare him for food only to discover the captain had already fallen asleep. "We'll just set these here until he wakes up.  They needed to cool down anyway," Aran informed, gently grabbing the bowl from Osamu and placing it next the the soup on the coffee table. "What now?" Atsumu wondered. "Well we got a couch, blankets, T.V and a remote.  All in favor of a movie- say 'I'" Michinari suggested, raising his left hand up. "I" everyone responded in near unison.

[joonies-babyy]

Hi! This is my first ever post and my first attempt at smut( its not in this part but its in the next one) I hope that if anyone reads this they enjoy it!!!! Also please leave comments and feedback. Might it be positiveor negative I will truly appreciate.<3

𝗪𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: 𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝗺! 𝘀𝘂𝗯! 𝗮𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝘀, 𝗱𝗼𝗺!𝗸𝗻𝗷, 𝘀𝘂𝗯!𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿, 𝗷𝗼𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁, 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗽 𝗰𝗹𝘂𝗯𝘀, 𝗮 𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲 𝗯𝗶𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗱𝗮𝗱𝗱𝘆 𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗸, 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘃𝗼𝘆𝗲𝘂𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺𝗲𝘀 (𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁), 𝗜 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝗶𝘁 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝗳 𝗜 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝗺𝗲 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄!!

Also big thanks to @kimnjss for helping me on this. I appreciate you so much. Thank you 💖💖

Word count:1.5k

--------------------------------------------------------- You and Namjoon were sitting on the couch with your limbs intertwined with each other.

''Jonnieeee, I'm bored. Let's do something yeah?''. ''What do you have in mind my love''.

''Let's go out. An impromptu date.'' You anticipated his answer knowing that if he said no your plan would go to shit. ''Sure babe, whatever you want to do im fine with. Go get dressed and we'll get going''. You begin leaving small little kisses on Joon's face and then got up to go start getting ready for your date night.

You slowly walked back down the stairs while Joon's gaze was locked on your curves being hugged by your dress. You were wearing a red,skin tight dress that sat alittle above your knees. You knew this was Joon's favorite dress on you. Hell, this was your favorite dress on you...You looked absolutely decadent. When you caught her lovers eyes focused on you, you smirked, knowing that it was always hard for him to resist you when you looked this amazing."Do you think I look pretty baby?''. ''Yn, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever meet, and this dress, lord you know I love this dress. Where are we going tonight where you need this dress, because I could gladly stay here and rip this off you.'' You smiled wrapping your hands around Joon's neck ''We're going out. When we come home we can do whatever you want, k?''. Joon grabbed your waist pulling you unbelievably closer. ''You'll be lucky if i even last that long. Just wait till I get my hands on you''. With that you pushed Joon's chest to detach yourself and started pulling him out of the front door. Namjoon didn't even care to change. The quicker you he left the quicker he could come home and have his way with you.

You never liked to drive. In the 5 years you've been with Joon you have had to drive a total of maybe 4 times. So just on instinct Joon got into the drives seat and you into the passengers, dress riding up as you sat down. Joon noticed. He always notices, but he decided to ignore it for now. He started the car up but soon realized he didn't know where he was driving to. "So... how exactly am I supposed to get to the location when I have no clue what the plan is". You smiled to yourself. For someone with a 148 iq he sure doesn't think. " Well I, of course already have this planned out. I put the location into the GPS. Tap it, follow the instructions and we'll be there in no time" You leaned over and left a quick peck to his cheek as he pulled out of the driveway knowing not a clue of what was in store for him tonight.

The GPS soon notified you that you we're only 5 minutes away from your destination. Your body shook with anxiety and excitement. Joon took one hand off the wheel and placed it on your thigh. You could feel the wet spot forming in you lace blue panties(his favorites). You're face began to warm up with embarrassment. It was a simple move he always did that always seemed to calm your nerves, but tonight it was different. You knew that after this date you and you pussy were done for. Just thinking about all the ways he could wreck you made you roll your eyes back in your head. Without even realizing you let a small moan slip past your lips. Joon started rubbing your thigh, asking if you were ok. The question suddenly snapped you out of your thoughts. "Yea i-im ok, just um... excited. I really want you to like what I have planned" you said while taking shakey breaths. "I'm sure I'll love it Yn. You know I always love our date nights" You smiled to yourself hoping he would love this one as much as he had loved all the previous ones. The GPS said the destination was on the right and Joon began to pull into the buildings parking lot. You were in for a long night.

"The castle? What is this Yn." "Don't worry you'll like it." You reached into the backseat of the to grab a duffel bag that Joon failed to notice was in the car. "You seem to have put alot of thought in to this love." And of course you did. 2 weeks of finding the location. 2 weeks of waiting for you application to go through. 2 weeks of making sure everything was set up just the way you needed it to be. "I just want tonight to be fun. I want you to relax and enjoy yourself. Just enjoy yourself and go with the flow ok?" Joon just looked at you and muttered a small "ok". With the reassurance that you needed you got out the car and urged Joon to get out too. You got to the doors of the building and felt more giddy than ever. The bouncer guarding the doors looked you up and down, asking for your name. "Yn" you quickly responded. With a small nod he opened the doors and you quickly walked in pulling Joon behind you. Joon wondered how long you had this plan under you sleeve. You quickly sat him down on one of the plush couchs close to the stage. Joon could no longer take it. The urge to ask questions overcome him. "Love, what is all of this? How long have you been planning this? More importantly what the hell is this so called castle?" You giggled to yourself as you looked up at Joon, confusion written on his face. "The castle is a strip club. Thats all you need to know for right now. Just enjoy it Joonie" You slid yourself into his lap and kissed his perfectly sculpted jaw. "OK baby, ill enjoy myself".

A man's voice came over the speaker starling you right off of Joons lap. "30 minute call for all performers. I repeat 30 minute call." You grabbed you bag and set off to the back of the room. Before you could get away Joon grabbed your wrist. "And where exactly do you think you're going" he whispered in your ear not knowing he was causing you to leak more into your panties. "They called for performers. Im performing." You replied in a nonchalant tone. "Performing! Yn what the fuck are you talking about". You snatched your wrist away from him but his hold was too strong. "Joon... can you please not draw attention to us. I have to go but ill be back before you know it. So for the love of God, can you sit the fuck down and try to atleast enjoy yourself. I did put alot of effort into this ya know". "You owe me an explanation when you get home, do you understand me?" You stood on the tip of your toes leaning up to press a kiss to his nose. "I'll give you whatever you want when we get home, but you gotta let me go." He dropped your wrist and pressed a kiss to your forehead. "If people know i have a boyfriend they won't buy me for the night!" As soon as you say Joons expression you knew it was time to scurry off before you could be stopped again.

You were sat in the back apply makeup when your phone started going off with the ring tone you set for Joon.

🥰ᴍʏ ᴊᴏᴏɴɪᴇ ʙᴀʙʏ🥰

-------------------------------------

Y/N... WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ₁₀:₅₂

ANSWER ME!! ₁₀:₅₂

Y/N Y/L/N ₁₀:₅₄

You have 20 seconds to respond to me ₁₀:₅₄

I CAN SEE YOU READING MY FUCKING MESSAGES. ₁₀:₅₆

Oh, you're in for it tonight. You know not to make daddy mad. Don't you baby? Or are you just living up to your title of being my bratty little slut? ₁₀:₅₆

Your face lit up. That was your whole goal of tonight. Make him mad so he can fuck you senseless like the good slut you are. God you loved making him mad. You were daydreaming of him pounding into you when the intercom shot on again. "All performers to the stage. Auctions will begin in 5 minutes". Oh this was gonna be good.

You step on the stage with your dress still on while most of the other performers where all ready close to naked. You could care less about the rest of the eyes on you. You only needed Joons eyes on you. And oh were they on you. He eyed your body the second you stepped on stage, noting how good the lights made you look. Even from the stage you could see that his jaw was clenched. God you loved when he did that. A microphone boomed over the speakers and shook you from your thoughts. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present... The ladies of the castle".

[universe-n-3276]

Carrying the Moon.

Summary: Something happens at the beginning of their last year at the university. Sander takes a life-changing decision.

Note: This fic follows what happened in my last social media au, it features the same characters but you can easily read it without knowing the whole story. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Chapter 1

Sander never liked summer at all. It is always too hot, sweaty, and sticky. It also ruined his aesthetics, because his favorite clothes were more suited for the colder season. Shorts and flip flops did not exactly match his slightly edgy-artist style. And then, as if all of that wasn’t torture already, he had to store his precious Dr. Martens in the closet, together with his beloved leather jacket. Whenever it was time to leave it on the hanger and abandon it in the dark, for at least two months, his heart wept as if he were punishing his dearest friend.

However, June and July were usually bearable. He kept repeating to himself that, if the summer lasted only two months, it wouldn't be so bad. Instead, August always came by eventually, as if it was the Sunday of the year. August was just too much to deal with. Too hot, boring, and extremely long.

Not even the prospect of spending days with Robbe cheered him up anymore, because at some point they both agreed that the temperature was too hot to even try to cuddle, and all that sweat was worth only for some very specific occasions. Furthermore, their poor fan was close to his final act, becoming slower and slower every day.

That whole year had been extremely stressful for everyone.

It was their second last year of university, and all the members of the gang worked hard to catch up on the exams they had neglected, in order to graduate together, the following summer.

That had been the plan from the start, if it wasn’t for the fact that, nine months before, Charlotte got pregnant. Her boyfriend, Max, had pushed her to carry on with the pregnancy, but when she reached the seventh month, he simply disappeared. Everyone had feared for the physical and mental health of Charlotte and the baby. She cried for two weeks in a row, but then she was back on schedule, studying, and seeing her therapist.

On the 12th of August, Charlotte had given birth to a baby boy, and from that moment, everything went down quickly, because not even 24 hours later, she announced to everyone that she wanted to give her son up for adoption, but at last, her parents convinced her to take home the, still unnamed, newborn.

A month passed since that day, and nothing had changed. Her family and friends helped Charlotte to look after the child, but she refused to see and touch him in any way.

On a Wednesday morning, Sander walked into the apartment, where his mother had been living alone with Charlotte since their parents had divorced. It had been a fairly peaceful decision. They simply parted ways but decided to stay friends.

However, that day took a strange turn, when his mother greeted him with a sad look, rather than her cheerful smile, which both of the twins had inherited. She cradled Charlotte's baby in her arms, feeding him with a bottle of formula.

"I'm going to see how Charlotte is doing."

Sander said after greeting his mother with a kiss and gently stroking the baby's head. He felt a strange feeling growing in his stomach, as he headed to his sister's room.

"Charlotte’s not home. She left something on your bed though. You should read it. "

After his mother had uttered those words, all the happiness, with which he had left his home that morning, definitely disappeared. He walked briskly to his room, and on the bed, he found a letter with his name handwritten on the envelope. He quickly opened it.

His hands were shaking already.

Sander,

Your heart is probably pounding in your chest right now, so, listen to me for once in your life and sit down, close your eyes and breathe the way you should, when a panic attack is about to hit you. 

Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.

You didn’t listen, right? You’re reading this fourth line, but your mind is so clouded with worry, that you haven't understood half of what I wrote. So go back, re-read everything, breathe and keep in mind that I'm fine.

Done?

Good.

You may be wondering where I am, and why I wrote you a letter, but I couldn't do what I'm about to do, looking you in the eyes. I don't often show it with my gestures and even less with words, but my bond with you is the most important of my life. You're the person I care the most about, and just one negative word from you would hurt me more than a thousand insults from someone else. This is why I am writing this because I know you wouldn't agree with my decision.

I have to go away, Sander. I worked too hard to build the life I wanted to live, and you know it. I struggled to keep up with my colleagues, and I tortured myself to do better than them, and eventually, I succeeded. 

I haven’t mentioned it to you, because, until last week, I hadn’t the gut to take this step, and in the last few months, my life has changed its direction so many times, that I didn't really know what to do with my dreams anymore.

I got the scholarship I applied for. The University of Sydney. Yes, Sydney in Australia. At this very moment, I am already at the airport. Don't try to stop me, please.

I assure you, it was a deliberate decision. This isn’t coming from a hormonal shift or my illness. You can ask my therapist, she knows everything, and I gave her permission to talk to you about me if you need to be reassured by her.

Over the past few years, I've seen you create a beautiful life for yourself. When we moved to Lucas' school, you had nothing, you started from scratch, and look how far you've come! You became a fantastic, loving, talented man. Whenever you walk into a room, everyone stops to look at you, because you are bright and dazzling, just like the sun. We are just mere planets, waiting for you to shine on us, even for the briefest moment. I know you will never believe it because, in that beautiful head of yours, you see yourself not as a star, not even as the moon. You see yourself as Pluto, a bigger asteroid that has been mistaken for a planet by some heedless scientist.

I have the strength to leave, only because I know that Robbe will always be next to you. You couldn't choose a better man to share your existence with. I know that, even if you’d break into a thousand pieces, he would be able to put you back together. 

I can't wait to see your whole life together, your engagement, marriage, and your five children, which I will love madly. I'll be there for all of these things, it's a promise, so don't be sad.

Regarding the other matter, which I know you are thinking about, I also took care of him. Ever since Max left, I knew, I couldn't do it alone, and that he would probably be better with someone else. Unfortunately, mom and dad are no longer together and don't want to take care of him alone. 

I just asked them to deal with the papers. I hope, he will be adopted soon by someone who can love him even if he carries the moon inside of him like me. 

I'm not fit to be a mother. I would be a burden to him, and I know this is the right choice.

I already miss you, Sander. 

Hug Robbe for me.

I love you.

Charlotte

Sander didn’t know when he had started to cry. He reread his sister's letter at least twenty times, to be able to understand it in its entirety.

Charlotte was gone.

She had taken the decision to give her baby up for adoption.

His head was spinning, he could still feel his heart running in his chest, but while he was reading that letter again for the fourteenth time, a thought had bravely made its way into his head. 

Sander couldn't fall apart, he had to be strong.

His new life was about to begin.

[next]

[silenthillmutual]

2020 Creator Wrap

I was tagged by @stvlti to do the 2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works tag! Thank you, sm!! c:

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Tagging: @lawliyeeeet​ @soupcans @kunoiichi @milk-teeths @darkpaladin and anyone else who wants to!! Though there’s no pressure to do this if you don’t want<3

So... according to my AO3, I seem to have published or updated 63 works in 2020, which is just a whole hell of a lot more than I usually do! So I’ll pick the going from oldest to newest that I’m most happy with :)

CONTENT WARNING though, under 18 please do not read below the cut as two of the fics are M and one is E. Additional content warning: two deal with self harm and one with intrusive thoughts, and one with pregnancy.

01 || Communication (T)

I think this was when I really hit my stride with understanding how I wanted to characterize Daniil, specifically, and more generally when I worked out how I wanted to write his relationship with Artemy. I tend to focus on the ways in which they communicate differently, and I think I pulled off their voices relatively well.

Favorite moment, when I managed to slip some autism into my characterization:

This is a flaw of his - a messy, embarrassing secret, this inability to distinguish jokes and sarcasm from serious discussion. He masks his insufficiency with a flat-toned seriousness. People find it harder to separate the sarcasm and the jokes from his regular speech when he makes no vocal distinction, and he enjoys the discomfort it brings in others. He considers it, to a degree, payback. A taste of their own medicine. And when he wants to make it clear where his feelings lie, he’ll be picky with the words themselves. He is, if absolutely nothing else, exceptional in the area of verbal self-expression. 

02 || sine sole sileo (M)

This is one of my older works and it is far from being my best, it’s terribly out of character and woobifying, but I’m fond of it as my first really long and more emotional work for the fandom. I had fun writing the first chapter out as a Twitter thread, and then expanding on it. It’s multi-chaptered and actually finished, which is something I have a hard time with!

Favorite moment, which I still actually kind of like, despite everything:

He knows the silence behind the doors, too. It’s a stillness that makes the tips of his fingers buzz. How many days has it been now? Three, four? Artemy though he’d changed the sheets, added new notations. Welcomed in the vocals, the strings, the what-ever-else accompanied performances like this in the Capital. His verses hadn’t been well-sung, but the band had started to play with him. He’d come to anticipate the thrumming percussion. A heart with its own rhythm. Footsteps that rose and fell. Words that lilted, that lead, that brought the symphony to a heightened frenzy.

But silence is a kind of noise too. Where the heart doesn’t beat. Where the voices don’t speak. Even when there is nothing, there is noise.

Artemy has to take a breath before he opens the door. He knows he won’t like what he sees, but he’s seeing so much more in his mind than will be there to greet him. His eyes shake and jostle him to great many things: a gun, a hook, a rope, stained bedsheets and curtains ripped from windows. He sees death even before his eyes adjust because he can smell it, and because he can hear it.

Twelve, he thinks.

03 || o tempora, o mores (M)

This fic was my baby! I wanted so badly to write a character struggling with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder the way I do, and while it’s not my best-performing fic for the fandom (I haven’t kept track of which one is, actually) it’s probably my favorite. I worked so hard on this one, trying to replicate what it’s like to struggle with OCD, and it felt so gratifying to do. I’m currently working on a follow-up to this one, and I’m very excited for it as well!

Favorite moment is really the whole thing, but I do like this in particular, because I feel it really resonated with how intrusive thoughts and compulsions work for me:

The self-talk gives him enough of a boost to get him through the doors of the hospital. It feels safer here, where there’s only the ill and the dead instead of the thousand living eyes trying to touch him. No one comes to bother him here, just him and Artemy and sometimes Clara and Rubin until a few days ago –

YOUR FAULT. HE IS SICK BECAUSE OF YOU. HE IS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF YOU. IF RUBIN DIES, IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU. “Stop it, stop it, stop it,” Daniil mutters. THE EYES KNOW THE VACCINE DIDN’T WORK. THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO ADMIT IT, ADMIT THAT THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TO PROTECT THEM SO THEY CAN HAND YOU TO THE DOGS. THEY WANT TO RIP YOUR BODY OPEN AND DEVOUR YOU. CANNIBALS, ALL OF THEM. AND YOU CAN’T RUN FOREVER. “Stop it,” he repeats, and tries to dig a jagged nail into his wrist.

It won’t go. Too slippery from the ointment Victor applied. He has something in his bag to help, another jagged edge, a rusted pair of scissors lost to their original purpose. The Morae were busy here, he’d thought the first time he saw them, and had laughed at his own clever joke. But now he feels the red string is his skin.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.                                  (it is starting to hurt these could be infected they are dirty they are rusted,) Eight.                                     (but it has to be ten he has to get to ten it has to be even) Nine.                                     (has to be a multiple of five but even always even, no odd numbers in sight)

04 || vita in motu (E)

Heheh I’m in danger (chuckles).

I’ve only managed to get one piece of hate for this fic which I figured would draw way more ire and make me orphan it, and I’m glad I haven’t had to because I’m stupidly attached to the concept. I was trying not to go for E rated fics for this, but this fic meant so much to me to write and for something marked explicit I put a lot of thought into how I wanted to characterize Daniil for it.

So. Yeah. Publishing it was scary as hell but I’m glad I did. I also got some really nice feedback on it, and more than I expected to. I’m very happy with how it turned out.

Favorite moment was actually much longer at the start of it, though kind of like with o tempora, o mores I actually really like how the whole fic turned out. But I really liked this part because I view Artemy as someone who would be very grounding for Daniil to be with:

“Stay in the moment,” Artemy tells him, and kisses him again, kisses him slowly. “Stay here with me. I love you.”  

 It should be utter nonsense, to give in so quickly to this, but Artemy makes it easy. Daniil would never have seen this in his future, would not have even made this as a joke. Something had to beat down his resistance to the emotional, a pro to outweigh the cons he associated with vulnerability. Keeping tightly bound was the safest bet, the easy one. He could say he lacked emotion, and anyone would buy it. Nothing short of a miracle could drag him back to the land of the living – but then again, nothing short of a miracle could have saved this town. Artemy Burakh is a man who manufactures miracles.  

05 || it’s sacrilege, you say (T)

This is the last fic that I wrote out that I took a lot of time planning instead of going “hey, I think this idea would be neat” and slapping it onto paper. And I think it turned out really well!! I almost wanted to do something darker with it, more akin to Silent Hill, but I have other ideas in mind for that kind of AU that I’ll play with later, one of which will be a sort of crossover with TMA.

Favorite moment is when I actually implied the twist, though I’m not sure you can call it a twist at all when I used proper tags:

Her eyes drift from Daniil to the wall, pivoting to look through the window. “No,” she says. “I don’t know why he made you.”

 The center of Daniil’s chest feels like a flower, budded but unopened. Smooth, perhaps, but heavy to move, and his petals are made of something sharp. Crystal, maybe. And he can feel the petals start to part with her words, though they make so little sense to him. He steps forward, closer, half expecting Aspity to recoil from him, but she stays unnaturally still as he approaches. He reaches out to wet his lips, dry as sand, before he speaks. “Made me?” There’s no tone in his voice. “What do you mean, made me? And who are you talking about?”

 She doesn’t turn to face him. She blinks, and lashes fall on sunken cheeks. “Do you remember how you got here, doctor?” He opens his mouth, but she’s faster. “Not to my home. To Town. Think: Can you remember how it is you came to be here?” Daniil grinds his teeth on the side of his tongue, sharp edges digging into the flesh. The flesh.      The flesh    . “Take your time,” she says, but it sounds like a joke. “The last train that arrived brought the menkhu, and no one else aboard it. There are no other ways into our Town.”

[sprnklersplashes]

heart of stone (9/?)

AO3

The whistle blows just as Regina tosses the ball to the goal, and it sails past the keeper as her teammates are already packing up and the coach isn’t even looking. Last year, or hell, even a few months ago, she’d have been furious that no-one noticed or counted such a good shot; she’d have thrown her stick on the ground and probably screamed her head off until she got her way. But a lot happens in a year, and now she’s pulling her red vest off and shaking hands with the opposite team, other girls clapping her shoulder as they congratulate each other. What’s more, the smile on her face is real, despite her burning limbs and tangled hair. It’s the realest it’s been in a long while.

“Okay, good game girls,” their coach calls from the side of the field. “Go hit the showers before we go over the play. And George!” Regina turns around, greeted by the sight of her coach giving her the closest she can get to a smile. “Good game out there. Keep that up!”

Like her smile, the pride that flutters in her chest is real and it isn’t going to fade later on.

The changing room is already steaming up when she enters; towels thrown over the sides and mud-splattered uniforms crumpled on the benches. She’d laugh, but she doesn’t look much better. The weather’s been going downhill lately, making for some risky playing conditions, and the trail of mud across her shirt and caking her legs and nails are proof of that.

“Did I cause that?” Hannah asks, gesturing to Regina’s leg.

“Probably,” she replies with a grin. “You’re a little violent sometimes.”

“You’re one to talk, George,” she says. “You’re a beast out there.” Regina chuckles and turns on the tap, letting the hot water warm up her icy hands and get as much dirt as she can off her hands. Hannah isn’t wrong; her anger tends to manifest itself most when she’s on the field. But as she learned in physio, and from experience, it’s better to take it out on the sport than on the people around her. At least now, after a hard first few weeks, she’s learned how to channel it, rather than just playing while being angry. Which is why coming finishing off a game often makes her feel calmer and more in tune with herself than anything she’d tried before.

“Lucky she’s held onto that edge,” Kimberly comments, appearing at the sink beside her. “We need someone like that with championships coming up. Maybe that’s why we lost the last few years.”

“Or we just lost because you suck,” Hannah teases. Kimberly’s mouth falls into an ‘o’ and she flicks water in Hannah’s direction, right over Regina’s head. It’s practically nothing, especially when they’re so used to training in the rain, but Hannah takes it as though it was a speeding bullet and reaches for the other girl. “Little bitch.”

Regina slips into a free shower before the two of them can start a full-scale scrap. They’d surely ask her to take sides if she stuck around.

The hot water and steam is heaven for her rattled body, bringing life back into her limbs. The time is limited with the whole team needing to get in and notes to be given soon, but she makes the most of it. Even as the water scorches her scalp, it’s bliss to her, and she takes a minute to just stand there and let it hit her before grabbing her towel and heading back.

Sitting on the bench, she pulls her still-damp hair into a tight braid over her shoulder as they wait for the last of the team to come back out. The rain is letting up outside now and will probably be completely gone once they’re finished. Thank God, otherwise she’d definitely catch something walking home. Sure her mom could pick her up, she’s reminded her of that often enough, but she prefers walking. At least when she gets home she and her mom can have stuff to talk about rather than wasting it all in the car.

“Okay girls, listen up!” Coach Keller calls out as the last stragglers squeeze onto the bench or drop on the floor beside them. “Okay, we’re seeing a lot of improvements from the last time. There’s still a lot of work to be done vis-à-vis on-field communication. And some of you need to remember exactly what position you have on this team. Because too many times I have seen people changing mid-game.” There’s no prizes for who that’s directed at. Kimberly is already turning her head away.

“But we’ll be ready for when championships come around, and I’m expecting us to take home the trophy this year!” A cheer erupts from the bench and Regina’s right there with them. The idea of winning a trophy does do something for that competitive part of her brain, that can’t change, but the feeling she gets when her teammates scream out in united excitement does even more for her as a whole.

“Okay, okay settle down!” Coach calls above the noise, half laughing herself. Smiles are rare on that woman, which makes them even better. “And there’s one more item on the agenda to discuss before I let you girls go. I was talking to a buddy of mine recently and he gave me some information about a charity tournament coming up in the next few months. Now I know we don’t normally do friendlies, but I thought this year we could make an exception. The cause is cancer research.”

Regina can’t speak for the rest of them, but the word ‘cancer’ snaps her to attention and makes goosebumps prickle on her skin. Sure enough, the noise quietens down as the girls grow serious, which is something in itself. These girls often act like the word ‘serious’ doesn’t apply to them. Regina pulls her jacket tighter around herself as Coach’s next words confirm everything.

“I know you’re all missing a classmate this year,” she goes on. Regina wonders if she’s imagining how her voice wavers. “And it might mean a lot if we went and did this.” She bends her head enough so they won’t see the smirk on her face. This wouldn’t mean a lot to Janis. Not that she wouldn’t care; she simply wouldn’t get that sentimental. Not publicly anyway. She bets Janis will respond to this with nothing more than finger guns and the phrase ‘cool beans’. “So if we all rally to this, we could raise a lot of money for a good cause. And it would be good to put in the extra training.”

The team chuckles at that and then Coach lets them go with the reminder that they’ll be here again same time next week and to drive safe.

“What do you guys think of that?” Hannah asks as they all get up. They seem to instinctively form a little huddle as they walk, something else she hadn’t seen in her old friendships. Until recently, there was always a structured hierarchy with Karen and Gretchen, as opposed to the natural way she falls in step with the team.

“I think it sounds great,” another teammate, Zoey, adds. “I mean, it would be great anyway, but especially, you know… with Janis.” A murmur of agreement passes around them.

The first time they heard about Janis, it took a second for Regina to process it. The whole idea seemed so bizarre that it didn’t really hit her until she got home. How heartless she must have looked. Karen was close to tears in homeroom and Gretchen had looked pale, like she was the one ill, so she had stepped up. Done what she had always done. Taken charge of them.

The collective student body has gathered around her. For a few days, any and all mentions of cancer were met with hushes and raised eyebrows, as though it were something taboo. Now they can at least mention it and it’s become synonymous with wide eyes and sighs of sympathy. It’s still hard to talk about, and not just for her.

“What do you think about it, Regina?” Hannah asks, nudging her with her elbow.

“Hm?” She pulls on the strap of her bag. “Oh, yeah. I’m totally for it. That would be awesome.”

“Have you spoken to Janis? Like, at all?”

“Spoken to her?” she repeats.

“Yeah, I mean aren’t you and her-” Kim stops, but Regina can work it out for herself. The answer is no, of course. She and Janis aren’t friends, everyone knows that. Karen and Gretchen are friends with Janis. Regina is friends-miraculously-with Cady, and Cady is dating Janis. That’s their connection. It was different once upon a time, but then it fell apart.

Fell, she thinks. As if she didn’t pull it apart herself.

She pulls her sleeves over her hands and wraps her arms around her body, fully aware of the number of eyes on her. Contrary to popular opinion, she’s never really liked this much attention. Not even when it was her perfection being looked at, but especially not when it’s her flaws.

It takes a while, but she manages to say, “no I haven’t really spoken to her”. Her voice catches in her throat and she can only hope she manages to sound normal to everyone else. She clears her throat and tries again, trying to find that confident part of herself. Or at least, tries to fake it well enough.

“That kid Damian has though,” she continues. “He’s really close with her. He said she’s doing great.”

The faces before her break out into relieved smiles and she can calm down.

She walks the last stretch of road to her house alone, the few people who live in her direction having disappeared down their streets a while ago. While the topic of conversation had quickly changed, Regina’s mind hadn’t managed to wander away from Janis.

She’s thought about her a lot since Spring Fling. She guesses she thought about her before that, but she always pushed it down, along with all that gross guilt she was feeling. It was far easier to be cruel back then. Until it wasn’t.

At the dance, she could tell Janis was having a lot more fun than she was. Spinning in careless circles with her hair flying all around her, busting out the worst dance moves she had ever seen, twirling Karen around the floor, slinking off to a corner with Cady and coming back holding her hand. She had been glowing, well and truly glowing, something she hadn’t seen since middle school. Not looking over her shoulder for something, or someone to take it all away from her.

And somehow, Regina ended up smiling at it. Janis deserved that, after all.

That was the beginning of the end for her. The end of her reign over North Shore and the end of her being… that way. It was a long time coming. She meant what she said to Cady in the bathroom that night. She’d had enough of being the Queen Bee. She’d hoped they’d all go into senior year with clean slates for the future.

She should have known it wasn’t going to be that easy. Even if things were normal for Janis, that wouldn’t be the case. She hurt her, plain and simple. Hurt her in the deepest, worst possible way and the worst part is she didn’t even realise she was doing it, not completely.

Her mom is sitting at the kitchen table when she gets in, a glowing mirror propped up on a stand and dozens of lipsticks strewn across the table. She puckers her lips as Regina approaches her and sets her back on the table, the pink glistening underneath the overhead light.

“Oh hi baby,” she greets. “How was school? How was practice? You need me to wash your gear for you?”

“School was fine, practice was fine.” Her mom abandons the lipsticks in a second and is by her side and picking up her bag before she can protest. She has to lunge forwards in order to grab it back off her.

Breathe she tells herself. A lot of this change stuff is a constant effort.

“Um, it’s okay, Mom,” she says. “I can do it myself.”

“Oh, only if you’re sure sweetie, I don’t want you straining yourself after practice. Besides, with this new job I have plenty of time to do your laundry for you, also I can rearrange your closet for you because it’s looking a little-”

“Mom!” she snaps. She shakes her head, her mom freezing where she is. “It’s okay, really. I’d prefer to wash it myself.” She cracks a smile and after a moment, reaches out and puts her hand on her mom’s shoulder. It’s the most natural-feeling thing she could do. “Besides, remember what happened last time you washed my lacrosse stuff? It’s best they go in on their own.”

“Well, if you’re sure honey.” Her mom’s eyes follow her around the room, no doubt thinking she’s being subtle. “Do you need a snack? I can whip up those little baby quiches you like so much after practice.”

“That’d be great, Mom, thanks.”

Her mom breaks into a smile that’s as relieved as the girls on the team were when she told them about Janis. Regina sits herself on the counter, shakes out her hair and runs her brush through it. She watches her mom buzz around the place, looking to her for approval when she places three mini quiches on the tray.

“Are you sore hon?”

“Not really. I will be tomorrow, probably.” She rubs her shoulder, feeling the onset already. It’s a good kind of pain though, if there ever was one. It means she actually went and did something.

Silence stretches between them, echoing off the white walls and the chrome of the kitchen. It demands to be filled with something real, not the nonsensical babble her mom likes to fill the empty spaces with. It’s not that she’s short of things to say, but it’s like everything else she’s started lately; a learning curve. She wants to take the steps, but the steps feel more like strides.

“So Coach thinks we have a shot at championships this year.”

“Oh, that’s exciting,” her mom says. “So you’d be playing then?”

“That’s the plan.”

“So when do they start?” she asks. “I want to be able to take the time off work to see you.”

“You don’t… You don’t have to. Not if it’s too hard.”

“Oh don’t be silly, I wouldn’t miss your games. That’s something lame moms would do.” She throws up a peace sign and an exaggerated wink. “And I’m a cool mom, right hon?”

“Yep,” she says through gritted teeth. They may be trying to rebuild their relationship, but that doesn’t mean that the idea of her mom at her lacrosse games doesn’t make her cringe. The image of her mom sitting in the stands with her fur coat and her sunglasses and her loud voice pops into Regina’s head and she’s glad her mom is turned away so she can’t see her shudder.

“There’s this other tournament she asked us about,” she goes on. “It’s a friendly one. For charity.”

“Oh, well that’s nice. What’s the charity?”

She takes a swing out of her water before answering.

“Cancer research.”

“Oh.” Her mom nods, the movement just as big as everything else she does and her mouth opens without a word coming out. Regina avoids her eyes. “Is that because of poor Janis?”

“Yeah. Well, she knows the person organising it and she thought it would be good.” She drums her nail on her thigh. “But I think it might be a little because of Janis.”

“Oh, it’s just awful what happened to her, isn’t it?” her mom asks. Regina can only nod. She doesn’t even notice her mom moving until she’s standing right in front of her, eyes full of sadness and a heavy pout on her lips. “How are you holding up with this?”

“Fine.”

“Oh honey, you don’t have to pretend to me. I mean, she’s your friend, isn’t she?”

“Sort of,” is her answer. It’s easier than the truth is in any case. Her mom never knew about what went down in middle school. She probably never will. “I heard from her other friends that she’s doing pretty well.”

“Oh, that’s good.” She picks up a kitchen towel and moves towards the oven. “You know, I was actually reading this article about teenage cancer on my tablet, and it was saying it’s about all these greenhouse gases in the air. You should go on Twitter and talk about that. Start a whole conversation over it. You have a lot of followers over there. They’d listen to you. Get the President on your side.”

“He blocked me,” she replies. She crosses her arms over her chest and smirks at that. As for her mom, she lets out a long sigh and shakes her head.

“And she’s such a nice girl too. She doesn’t deserve that. Not that anyone does, obvs.” She turns and looks at Regina with more severity than she’s ever seen in her life. “You be careful, okay?”

“Um, yeah. Sure.” Her mom squeezes her hand and Regina realises why she’s making such an effort in the first place.

“Okay, can you keep an eye on the mini quiches? I have to go finish up over there if I want to get everything in on time. They come out when it says 20 on the little clock.”

“Cool. Thanks mom.”

Her mom squeezes her face, and for her sake, she fights the instinct to roll her eyes and bat her hands away. It actually feels pretty nice.

When she pulls out her phone, the team chat is already popping off. Someone shared a-admittedly funny- meme. Amidst all the chaos, someone posted the details of the charity tournament. It starts in January, with quite a few other schools already signed up. She’s glad they’re doing it, and that everyone else is so onboard with it. Sure, they all have at least one personal stake in it, but it would feel good to do it either way.

She moves out and checks her other messages. The chat she’s in with Cady, Damian, Gretchen, Karen and Janis was alive just minutes ago, Karen asking their opinion on a skirt. Janis had sent in a message saying she liked it and joked around with everyone else, calling Damian a king and shamelessly flirting with Cady. Regina pushes away the feeling that she missed out and tells herself Janis must be feeling good today if she’s active.

A message Regina sent to her still sits in their private chat, unopened and unanswered. Their chat is almost barren and she’ll admit the reasons for it are good. But she had felt optimistic that day when she texted her. Naïve even, for the first and last time in her life. There’s still a lot of work to be done, but she actually wants to do it.

                                                                                               *****

Her legs do hurt the next day. She feels it the minute she wakes up and it follows her around throughout the day. She gets understanding smiles and eye rolls from the girls on the team, though, and Karen and Gretchen wince along with her in sympathy. And she’s almost gotten used to it, so she can only take it in stride for the rest of the day and curse the new warm-ups Coach gave them.

She’s walking down the stairs to free period when she spots a bundle of caramel-coloured curls a little ahead of her, falling over a denim jacket, and suddenly her palms get sweaty. People might not believe it, but she’s capable of being scared, or at least nervous. Even of sweet and soft little Cady Heron. She doesn’t slow down, she never does, but she does consider it. Instead she keeps going and watches as Cady perks up as she passes her.

“Hey,” she greets, slipping her phone into her pocket.

“Hi.”

Regina’s pretty fascinated by her relationship with Cady. Next to Janis, Cady is probably the person she’s done the most harm to. After all, she got suspended for the Burn Book. It should have been her. That fact was one of the hardest to take responsibility for, but it should have been her suspended. Now who knows what could happen to Cady. Cady has every right to hate her, and yet she has gone out of her way to integrate their two worlds. She lets Regina sit with her at lunch and added her into the groupchat and lets her see her private story (it’s just pictures of her with animals from Kenya). Even outside of lunchtime and groupchats, she treats Regina like she would any old friend. There’s no hostility or distrust on her end.

It’s weird.

“Hey, did you get that American Lit essay back yet?” she asks. “Because Mr Greer takes forever to hand them back.”

“Yeah, he hasn’t given me mine back either,” she sighs. “I don’t know. I think I did okay in it. It wasn’t that hard.”

“Seriously? I thought it was so hard,” Cady responds, pulling her bag up on shoulder. “I’ll never get all this literature stuff. There’s just so many meanings and stuff. It’s why I prefer math.”

“Yeah, because you’re good at calc,” Regina says. Her chest eases the longer they speak. “I’m sure you did fine, though.”

“Thanks.” She drums her fingers on her file as silence falls between them. Not even Cady can keep up conversation forever, especially if there’s not a third party here to bounce off of. There normally is, and the space next to her feels distinctly empty.

The lack of talking suddenly gets to Regina as she looks down the long stretch of hallway they have to go to study hall, and panic stirs up in her brain, forcing her to blurt out the first thing that comes to her head.

“So, um, we might be doing this charity tournament,” she says. “The lacrosse team, I mean.”

“Oh,” Cady says, her mouth falling into a small ‘o’ before she smiles. “Hey that’s really cool. What’s the charity? Or are you allowed to say anything about that yet? I know how exclusive the jocks can be.”

“I’m not a jock,” she says indignantly, only for Cady to laugh and bump her shoulder against hers.

“Well, you know what I mean,” she says. “Sports person. You guys are like your own little society.”

“The one clique you couldn’t break,” she says.

“Yeah.”

Regina presses her palms together, nervous and unable to understand why. Surely Cady would love this, right? It’s her girlfriend who has…

Oh. She gets why now. Even now, when ‘cancer’ isn’t treated as a dirty word, it’s still so charged with meaning, especially around Cady and Damian. On more than one occasion, conversation has died down when they enter the room and they know what they had been talking about. It’s not out of disrespect, but out of concern for their feelings. That’s why she’s biting the inside of her cheek now. Tiptoeing around such a delicate subject and hoping she doesn’t break Cady by doing so.

“It’s cancer research,” she says after a while. Her voice is as cheerful as she can make it, hiding all the tremors and cracks that might appear and show what’s underneath. She subtly watches Cady’s movements, anticipating the slightest twitches or changes one way or the other.

The first is her lips pressing together. The second is a tight nod. The third is her hand flexing at her side.

“Oh, that’s cool,” she says. “That’s really cool.”

“Yeah, it is,” she replies. “I mean, we don’t usually go charity tournaments or friendlies, but Coach thought it might be good for us. You know, extra training and all that. Plus it’s you know, a good cause.”

“Yeah.” Her voice sounds so lost and faraway for a girl standing right beside her that it almost makes Regina grind to a halt. She clears her throat and turns to face her, her smile open and breathless and real. That’s something she likes about Cady, always has. She’s real. Even when it would be easier to hide it, she’s real. “That’s great. I mean… I take it it’s because of Janis.”

“Yeah.” Janis’ name hits Regina in the chest like a little bee sting, not unbearable, but noticeable and she knows it will be there for the rest of the day.

“That’s awesome.” Cady’s eyes shine with gratitude. “She’ll be really happy to hear that.”

“Sure just don’t tell her I’m doing it,” she says flatly. “Then she’ll think it’s a scheme.”

“Oh come on,” she laughs. “You two aren’t nearly as bad as you used to be. And maybe when she hears about you doing this, she’ll warm up to you even more.”

“You have a lot of faith in me,” she tells her. Which is both another thing she admires her for and something she’s fascinated by.

Cady simply shrugs.

“Well, you know how it is,” she says. She doesn’t, but she nods along. “You’re not such a bad little egg.”

“Thanks?”

Cady opens her mouth, probably to say something else, but her hand flies to her back pocket and all at once her attention is diverted to her phone. She does a quick check of the hallway, knowing they’re not meant to have their phones out during school hours. Regina had her phone confiscated countless times before she knew how to hide it properly. Cady has yet to master that and so she pulls her to the side and blocks her phone with her shoulder, pulling her arm down so it’s less visible. Cady doesn’t seem to notice at all, her eyes glued to the phone screen and her whole face softening at whatever it was. Regina doesn’t look at it. Whatever it is, it’s obviously not for her. Cady taps out a quick response, fingers flying over the keyboard and stops to proofread it before sending it off.

They stand in the silence together, Cady’s phone casting the smallest bit of light on her face and wait until the screen fades to black.

“Cady?” Regina asks.

“Hm? Oh, I’m fine,” she says, putting her phone back in her pocket and looking back up at her. “It was Janis.”

“I guessed,” she says, pulling Cady along. Feeling brave, she asks “How’s she doing?”

“Oh, she’s good. She just sent me a selfie of her in the hospital,” she says. There’s a small, wistful sigh after it, and her hand reaches up to twirl her necklace. “She looked cute.”

“That’s good,” she says. “That she’s doing okay. Would you uh… tell her I was asking about her?”

“Oh, sure! Yeah absolutely!” There’s the slightest hint of surprise in her tone, but Regina can’t complain about it, instead nodding gratefully and the two of them setting off down to study hall, picking up the pace a bit so that they’re not even later than they already are.

                                                                                               *****

That evening, she comes downstairs clad in her leggings and a sweater, the rain picking up on the window and her phone buzzing in her sweater pocket. Her mom is laying on the couch and running a sparkly pink brush through the dog’s hair humming some old, dreamy song under her breath.

“Hey sweetie!” she says, her voice melodic. “How’s the homework going?”

“Fine. Just getting some coffee.”

“Oh would you make me one too?” she asks. “Just a little cappuccino. If I get up Boba might pee.”

“Sure.” She keeps one eye on her phone and one on the coffee maker, watching the groupchat as she foams up the milk. It’s the one of her, Cady and the rest of her friends, and most importantly, Janis is active in it. She was always the life of the chat before, keeping them up at two am with some wild theory or weird joke, but they’ve all noticed how she’s sort of wavered since this year started. Not tonight though. Tonight she’s so alive that Regina almost forgets how silent she can be some days.

Janis: I wonder which one of us will break first and get TikTok.

Janis: To be perfectly candid, my money is on Damian.

Janis: Damian’s gonna be on theatre kid TikTok.

Damian: I am disgusted by the very idea. It could well be Regina. She seems dramatic enough for it. No offence, babe.

Followed by a kissing emoji off all things. With a grin and a laugh, Regina grinds the coffee beans and gets out two mugs before sending in an ‘In all of your dreams’. She means it. Instagram and Twitter are more than enough for her and frankly, TikTok kind of scares her.

The phone buzzes again, this time a picture from Janis; a picture of fries and what are probably vegetarian nuggets.

Dinner for tonight 😊 she says They finally got veggie nuggets :D

That’s an overabundance of emojis Cady says.

No it’s not. It’s perfect Karen argues. She adds that the dinner looks puppy emoji plus sparkle emoji, which must mean good. Anyone can tell that.

It is Janis tells them. They took on my suggestion to expand their vegetarian menu.

You’d think as a hospital they’d already know how to do that Regina says. There’s a ten second pause before anyone responds and she tries not to let it bother her, pouring the milk into the two cups instead.

You would think Janis responds. I got like three people in the ward on my side.

Vive la revolution, Cady adds in, with an emoji of a French flag. Damian responds with a GIF from Hamilton and Regina can feel them rolling her eyes along with her.

Miss Caddy don’t you have homework to do? Janis asks. Actually don’t answer that because I know you do since you were complaining about it to me two minutes ago.

I’m all finished Cady says. Janis’ response is a screenshot of a text Cady sent her two minutes before according to the timestamp.

“Oh, you’re in trouble, Cady Cady,” Regina mutters as she sprinkles cinnamon and chocolate over both mugs and takes them over to her mom. They’re pretty good, especially with her lack of barista skills. Definitely going on her story.

“Oh thanks hon,” her mom says. When her phone buzzes in her hand, both her mom’s and her dog’s head perk up. “Anything interesting?”

“Just my friends,” she says. Her mom nods, taking a long sip.

“Oh, this is real good, Regina.” Regina nods again and snaps a few pictures of her own mug, testing out about four or five angles and two filters before settling on one that works. She probably would have gone through more if Janis hadn’t sent in another message into the chat, so she saves it to work on later.

Lies. I know those are lies, she says. The veggie nuggets aren’t as good as the ones at home ☹

I’m sure that’s the saddest part about your current situation, Regina says. Once she says it, she wonders if a line was crossed. If not, no-one tells her.

If someone were to drop a bag of Grandma Eden’s vegan nuggets to the front desk and say it was for me, I would not be opposed, Janis says instead. To be honest, kind of offended about the lack of PTA moms dropping casseroles on the doorstep.

The chat keeps going, the phone shaking and lighting up in her hand, but it melts away from her, Janis’ message sticking out to her. Out of nowhere, she remembers her mom making lasagnes for her aunt when she was sick a few years ago and dropping it off on her doorstep. Regina never went with her, the idea of seeing her sick aunt making her stomach uneasy, but she remembers her mom doing twice the cooking she normally did. And how happy it made her aunt’s family, according to her mom. She didn’t appreciate the value of it back then, it’s crystal clear now.

“Hey, mom,” she says after a while. “Could I… could I maybe use the kitchen at some point?”

“Oh sure. What do you need it for?”

She looks back at the group chat, the topic having changed to Cady’s love of math and the other’s lack thereof, but she scrolls back up a few messages.

“Do we have any vegetarian recipes?” she asks.

                                                                                               *****

Her arms are aching by the time she gets to the Sarkisian’s house on Saturday. This is what she gets for using the nicest-and heaviest- dish her family owns, she supposes. Standing on their doorstep, she awkwardly shifts it onto her arm, her breath catching as it tilts before steadying, and reaches out to ring the doorbell. She presses it quickly, not leaving herself enough time to change her mind.

She won’t deny that her heart clenches as the handle turns, even if she masks it behind her charming smile. The same one she’s used with almost every adult since she was fourteen.

“Hey, Mr Sarkisian,” she greets. A kind of polite confusion clouds Mr Sarkisian’s face, which swiftly turns to recognition, and then even more confusion.

“Regina?” he asks. “Regina George.”

“Mm-hm.” Thank God she’s practiced this over and over before she came. “I made you guys a lasagne. Could I come in?”

He eyes the dish in her hands like she’d just told him she was dropping off a baby wildebeest for Janis. But he nods and steps back, letting her into the hallway.

It hasn’t changed much since she was here last. The hallway is still the same at least, although there are now photos of the Janis she wasn’t friends with. Her at the middle school graduation, her on the beach what must be the summer after freshman year, her with her parents and Damian at last year’s art show. Regina’s watching her old friend grow up before her eyes, looking through a window at everything she missed.

“Oh, you redecorated!” she exclaims as they step into the kitchen. She remembers the walls here being white as opposed to the blue they are now, plus there’s a new oven and fridge and kitchen table. She must remember more than she thought she did. “It’s really nice.”

“Yeah. We did.”

His flat tone pulls Regina down a bit. More than a bit, although she refuses to let it show. If there’s one thing she has learned, it’s that. She knows how to put on an act, and so she turns to face Mr Sarkisian with the same smile plastered onto her face. He just continues to look at her with an unreadable expression and stands as far away from her as he can, all the while the ticking clock punctuates the silence between them.

“So um, I made you this lasagne,” she tells him.

“You did?” he asks.

“Yeah. I mean I got a little help with it; you know how it is. My mom refused to let me fool around in the kitchen alone. But it’s my grandma’s recipe. It’s vegetarian, because… I mean I know; Janis is one.”

Is this babbling? Is she babbling right now?

“Janis isn’t here.” He folds his arms across his chest, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Oh.. I know,” she says. “I know, but just in case you want to give her some when she gets back. It’ll keep for a good while if you freeze it.”

He pushes himself away from the counter and moves over to her. It’s getting harder to maintain this demeanour, what with the suspicion she can see in his eyes from here. He does at least take the dish out of her hands and she doesn’t bother hiding her sigh of relief as she shakes out her arms.

He slides it carefully into the fridge and turns to look at her, his arms over his chest. He isn’t playing by the script Regina had prepared. She assumed he’d either see her out or get her a drink and invite her to sit down. Instead he regards her like she’s an interrogation suspect. And her gut tells her he’s being bad cop.

“Why did you do this?” he asks her.

“Oh, I… I just thought it would be nice.” Honesty isn’t her strong suit. Neither is vulnerability and those are the two things he’s likely expecting from her. Unfortunately, she still has the fatal flaw of pride. “And if there’s anything else your family needs, you can ask me.”

He coughs, but it sounds suspiciously like a laugh. She presses her palms together and continues.

“I mean the whole school is getting behind Janis,” she goes on. “The lacrosse team is doing this charity tournament and the Mathletes-”

“Janis isn’t a charity,” he tells her sharply. His hand curls around the counter and holds it tight enough to turn his knuckles white. A nerve apparently got touched here.

“Okay...” She clears her throat and pushes her hair off her shoulder. “I just wanted to help.”

“Yeah you helped Janis a lot back in middle school,” he says. He locks eyes with her and a chill runs down her spine. “Didn’t you?”

She opens her mouth, but then closes it again, knowing there’s nothing to say here. Her first instinct is to call him rude, tell him she went and made him and his family a lasagne and offered him help. But thankfully it fades before she can act on it, and the truth stares her in the face. She deserved that. She deserves the anger in his gaze towards her and the feeling of invisible ants crawling over her skin.

She pulls her sleeve over her hands and clenches her fists tightly.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice is pathetically small and it comes out as more of a question than an admission. Mr Sarkisian nods slowly, his fingers tapping against the counter. She could tell him that she’s trying, that she does regret what she did, but she’s pretty sure it won’t make a difference to him.

“Thank you for the lasagne,” he tells her. There’s more honesty in that than in anything she’s said so far. “I’ll tell Janis you came by.”

“She might not eat it if you do,” she says quietly.

He laughs at that, even if it’s half-hearted.

She gets the bus back home, finding a route on her phone that goes to the top of her street. Luckily, she has change in her purse, because she’s certain that she wouldn’t have the guts to ask Mr Sarkisian for some after what just happened.

His words follow her around like a persistent little bee that buzzes in her ear. She wants to dismiss him as a dick, but unfortunately, despite the work still needed, she can’t find it in her to do it. A lot of the time, she wishes she could just wake up an effortlessly good person. Other times she wishes she was still a bitch.

She sits down heavily on the bench and takes out her phone, tapping open Facebook (thank God for infinite data). It’s not really for the app, she just wants to focus on something. Her feed is mostly full of shit she saw on Instagram last week; mirror selfies, heads of clubs promoting their events, those idiotic memes her mom likes to post. It flies past her eyes in a blur and lets her brain turn foggy for a few moments.

But then out of all the black and white and blue, something catches her eye and she scrolls back up. It was shared by Caitlyn Caussin, advertising some hair salon. She wondered why the hell that would catch her eye, until she realised that’s not what it was. It was a charity, one where you donate your hair for cancer victims.

Regina keeps looking at the ad, so captivated by it that she would have missed the bus if the driver hadn’t honked at her. She looks at it closer as she rides home, her gut pulling her towards it. According to the text on the poster, you need at least 8 inches of undyed hair, and she’s glad when she sees she ticks both boxes. And then it’s shipped off to wigmakers and given to cancer patients. And if the grinning kid in the picture is anything to go by, it does its job well.

Regina touches her own hair. Up until now you’d have to kill her if you wanted her to cut any of her hair off. After all, something like this doesn’t just happen and she would not look good with a bob. But this feels different and she won’t pretend she doesn’t know why. She won’t get up and do it tomorrow, but she won’t completely dismiss the idea either.

She takes a screenshot of it and feels a small flush of excitement as she thinks about it. Well, not excitement, but something close to it. Something warm and light and fuzzy that she can’t quite pin down.

[goodguydotmp3]

wait so are you an anarchist? no judgement just are you. or like I mean a communist or sum just like do you think ultimately the government should be overthrown and what do you think should replace it/what lack of thing

Okay so I have totally been going back and forth on how to properly answer this all day, this is my best attempt at properly explaining.

So I do consider myself an anarco-communist. I live in the U.S So I can really only comment on the situation here, but the entire government here absolutely needs to be thrown out, and we need to have the workers own the means of production. 

Why does this government need to go? Besides the fact that Ted Cruz would finally shut the fuck up, it’s simply impossible to have Justice and democracy on land that was stolen, and then built and maintained from genocide and slavery. First and foremost, I really think wee need to give jurisdiction of the land back to he natives. but beyond that the thing that’s gonna have to ultimately replace the government is community. Looking out for your fellow man. THE ABOLISHMENT OF CAPITAL!!! WHY DO WE HAVE THAT??? IT LITERALLY POISONS YOUR MIND!!

And people have asked me before like “oh so you think everything is free?” No! I just don’t think that your labor, time, energy, or body should be exploited, and I think you should have your most basic necessities. Like that should just be a basic right. All the things you need to survive should be a right! And on top of that, many of the problems with our current society stem from capitalism, or the pursuit of Capital. 

I’m really trying not to make this into an entire essay but the reality is, anything I say is going to sound really simple on paper but be something that is going to take a village to put in practice, which I guess is my entire point! To borrow capitalist’s terms, other people are our biggest asset. We as a collective should figure out how to get everyone’s most basic needs met first and foremost. Best example I have is food and shelter. Why is food and shelter behind a paywall???? If you do not have those you will die! And it’s not like the food and shelter isn’t there, it’s just behind paywalls and government regulations. And those regulations just feed right back into the cycle of genocide and slavery. Why are we locking people up for making shelter where no one is living?? Why are we rounding up people like chickens the day before the family reunion and putting them into concrete cells with no plants!! and then forcing them to provide labour for next to nothing! Not to mention that prisoners are often forced to do potentially life threatening work, so that the government doesn’t actually have to allocate those funds for trained people? For example, prisoners in California usually fight the yearly wild fires (this year because of Covid they are too sick to do so, which, while I’m glad they don’t have to, it brings up the issue of hwy they’re there right now in the first place???? Like,,,, do you not think people being cooped in an overcrowded prison with no ppe during a deadly pandemic while their Overseer gets to go in and out freely is going to end well????), and The same state spends millions on “homeless sweeps”, gathering people out of homeless camps and on the street to, you guessed it! Prisons! Add to that the fact that in this country, black and latineh queer youth are the most likely into end up homeless, the fact that black and indigenous people tend to have inherited poverty because of the whole colonialism thing + the repeated efforts to exclude and disenfranchise BIPOC, making them more likely to not own homes, or be in a position to acquire a home, plus you also have to consider the stagnation of wages with the mounting cost of living, oh and don’t forget the fact that having an illness of any kind can send you into crippling debt, impoverishment and eventual homelessness. OH! Plus, if you have any mental illness, nuerodivergency, or addiction issues, they can make it harder for you to work a job, even worse they can put you in a position where the only kind of jobs you can work are a heavy strain on your mind and body, putting you right back into the category of having an expensive illness. Also those thing can get your agency taken away, making it harder for you to own a home, hold a job, hell even vote, but most of all home, and it your designated caretaker can’t afford to take care of you well then both of you are on the street. I almost forgot about the vets!!! They go get terrible ptsd and possibly a horrible injury that leaves them disabled so this country can acquire more! Oil!!! Only for this country to spit on their backs and leave them on the street. I feel like there’s more I’m missing, but I can’t think of em right now? This reply is too long already

Anyway!! You take all of that you you apply what I’ve already said, that homeless people in this country often wind up either dead or imprisoned for the crime of Checks notes not having a home, and it almost sounds like State sanctioned genocide. With a dash of Slavery just to spice things up. 

Now the obvious solution here is give them a fucking home tf. Obviously I’ve mentioned some other things in there that of course needs addressing. For example people should have access to the mental health services they need, no one should be without a home because they can’t perform labor, queer kids shouldn’t be fucking thrown out but that last one is another entirely new rant, that, surprise! is made worse by American extremism! 

But again! All of the solutions that I have offered are currently behind a paywall or a government regulation. there are some states where housing homeless people is illegal without a permit, and others where it’s illegal to feed them. State sanctioned genocide! Which really drives home my point I feel, about how the state (AND CAPITAL) should not be used to allocate resources, and we as a collective should figure out ways to meet the needs out our community.

For example, even if there were no empty homes, there are people who know how to build houses! There are scientists who work on eco friendly building methods! There are carpeters who build tables and chairs! There are Rug makers out there If you’re so inclined like!!! why is it behind a paywall???? why can scientists not just help us build eco friendly homes without the government being like “nah”? To the end of medical professionals and mental health services, not only are they behind steep paywalls, but they’re also locked behind bureaucratic nonsense. What’s more, you may have to go into debt if you want to acquire that sort of degree/specialization! Why is that so hard to acquire???? It’s ridiculous!!

Again!!! I’m literally only using a few basic needs as an example because as you can see, all this stuff is connected, and really I’m just trying to make sure I get my reasoning across, not actual step by step instructions, because there are tons of solutions to the issues I've presented, I’m one person with one opinion and by no means am I an authority! Not only that, But I’m not an expert in any field, and there are tons of problem the government and capital have created that could better be solved by shifting the responsibility from a small governmental body with tons of capital, the people with actual resources. The problem is, the best way you’re going to get solutions is by having people come together to find what works best, and in many cases, the solution won’t be something that works universally. 

I hope this properly answered your question!

[alittletournesol]

Kingdom Of Jinju {MinKey} 33/33

Epilogue

The royal palace was high-spirited and filled with warmth despite the coldness of the approaching winter. The ceremony had yet to start, but every single employee was running here and there to make sure not a single preparation had been ruined by who knew what. The wedding table had been set in the royal gardens, like the first time, but the space was surrounded with beautiful torches to bring as many light and warmth as possible, in this late autumn evening.

Unlike their initial marriage that had taken place when the sun had reached its zenith, both King and Prince had decided to remarry under the light of the moon. It was a rather bold move, in conflict with traditions, but they considered they had yielded to these traditions many times already. They wanted to do as they wished, this time, and not even Jihwan, who had now lost her title by marrying the former General, had stood against it.

While all their guests were taking place around the wedding table, with the King and his helpers — Jinki and his father, just like the first time — already there, she was standing in her son-in-law’s quarters, carefully pinning her nuptial hat to his hair. It was meaningful to both of them, for Kibum had already worn it at his first marriage, though he had seen it as a material show of his shame. 

“It looks even better with your hair down.” The woman gently said as she took a step backwards to observe her work. “It should hold well.”

“Thank you, Mother.” The Prince replied, standing up to turn towards her. “It feels strange to wear this again… but I like the little change.”

“Yes, I like it a lot as well.”

They both looked at his outfit, the same white and gold one he wore the first time, but enhanced with even more ornamentations and the most important detail : the symbol of Mongje on his chest had been replaced by the pearl of Jinju. It wasn’t about binding two kingdoms anymore, but about binding two souls from one same place. Kibum’s long black hair was falling graciously on his back and shoulders, beautifully contrasting with his immaculate attire.

He turned round to check if everything was good, and was interrupted by the sound of a gong, coming from the gardens. The ceremony was about to begin. 

“Shall we ?” Jihwan smiled and offered him her arm, which he gladly took. “This time, it will be better.”

“Yes… Yes, it will.”

Their arms interlaced, they both left the royal quarters and walked through the corridors and staircases, until this very same door that led to the space in the garden where the young man would remarry his husband. This very same door he had come from one year ago, anxiety tightening the knot in his stomach. But that night, he felt as light as a feather, only pure excitement and haste making his whole being tremble. He waited there, accepting a kiss on the forehead from his mother-in-law before the latter half-opened the door and left.

As soon as he was alone, he felt two presences behind him but didn’t have to look to know who it was. By his left, Jonghyun ; by his right, Taemin. Both of them smiling with pride, their ceremonial attire different than the first time, brighter and with more colours. They had had the difficult task to force his gestures, but now they were conscious that they would really accompany him and not pressure him anymore. 

Outside, Jihwan stood before the door, looking at all guests who turned their head towards her. The table was even more beautiful than the first time, covered with a white clothes and decorated with golden flowers. It seemed even the carafe of alcohol and the cup weren’t the same, changed for something more suitable, perhaps created for this sole event. And standing there, at the east end of this table and surrounded by his helpers, included her newly husband… her son was glowing in his ceremonial outfit.

Minho had had enough of the red and golden attire he would always wear, so he had traded it for one that was complementary of his husband’s. Where the Prince’s outfit was white with golden ornaments, the King’s was golden with white ornaments. They completed each other and wanted the world to see it. The younger man had still tied his hair under his hat to yield to the tradition at the very, very least, but he was a whole new man.

Silence.

And the gong resounded a second time.

Jihwan heard the door behind her open again and she started walking forwards, leading her son-in-law to the wedding table and placing herself on the spot left empty for her. Following her steps, Kibum walked with grace and confidence, and his once soulless eyes were now filled with so many emotions at once that they sparkled more than the night sky at this same moment.

While moving forwards, his eyes looked at every couple standing around the table, here to celebrate his wedding.

Queen Hyoyeon and Lord Eunhyuk, from Maguk, smiled at him and bowed their head, their eldest daughter standing by their side and shyly imitating her parents. Her father placed his hand on her shoulder as a show of pride, her bright blond hair betraying the scar of the illness she had healed from, unlike her young brother earlier that year. Seeing Jonghyun and his same hair walking behind the Prince reminded her of this distant, nice cousin was like her, and she giggled when he winked at her.

Princess Yoona stood behind, her hands joined and a truly moved expression lighting up her features, enough to make the tears in her eyes shine like pearls. She bowed her head and her smile turned into a quiet laughter, as she was unable to hide her happiness, after she had been the first ruler to witness Jinju’s rulers blooming relationship. Present by her side despite his expressionless face, Prince Siwon still bowed his head and pretended to be unbothered.

On the other side of the table stood Lady Taeyeon and Lord Changmin, the same emotion as Yoona shining in their eyes. They bowed together and presented their hands, which carried a small, decorated case filled with bright, lively black kisses. Kibum couldn’t help but feel emotional when he saw the flowers, so beautiful in apparence but also the memories of what could have been a tragedy. However, they were there as a present, a meaningful message to congratulate both husbands for having survived their poison.

Finally, standing behind them but not shadowed, Queen Boa and King Yunho had both already shed one or two tears when the Prince had appeared. There were gleaming trails on their cheeks, but their smiles were the brightest. They were the last ones to bow, the Queen holding her stomach with her hands and catching Kibum’s attention right away ; it was swollen, and Pugye’s heir hiding inside wouldn’t be long to come to the world.

A third gong resounded, and the groom walked to the west end of the wedding table, his friends standing behind him. Facing him, Minho looked at him and smiled with his eyes. It was like they could hear their respective heartbeat, like there was no one else around them, like they were alone. 

A fourth gong resounded.

And the ceremony began.

The exact same gestures than the first time were repeated, but this time with more heart to them. The four helpers spread the carpet at their sovereigns’ feels and carefully, gently cleaned their hands with pure water gathered from the river just an hour before. The tradition required for both husbands-to-be not to show any emotion, but they couldn’t yield to it that night. They looked at each other, their eyes conveying absolutely all the feelings they had for each other, and their smiles never left their lips.

Jonghyun and Taemin took their place back behind their friend and placed their hands on his back and arms. But they didn’t have to apply any pressure, Kibum bowed by himself before his King. Once, then twice, his eyes shining whenever he straightened up. Bowing twice for the bride, once for the groom, as was the tradition. But this wedding wasn’t like others, and the guests all pleasantly whispered when Minho bowed a second time, showing that they were equals.

The Prince had to hold back his tears when the second bowing came, but a salted pearl rolled down his cheek despite himself when his lover, once again, bowed twice to him in return. It might look like nothing, but it meant the world to both of them. They weren’t a traditional couple, and they would shout it from the rooftops, show it to the world, whatever the consequences.

Finally, they kneeled as one man on the carpet, with only the table separating them, and stared at each other while Taemin poured alcohol in the cup and handed it to his childhood friend. Instead of making him drink, he let him take it and swallow a mouthful of the burning liquid by himself. The soldier then took the recipient back and handed to Jinki, who gave it to the King. The latter smiled, and made the cup turn until he saw the print of his husband’s lips on the edge. He drank from there.

This same ritual got repeated once more, both men making sure to always drink from this same spot where they lips met with the metal. None of the guests missed this detail, and none of them complained, for the symbolic of all these changed gestures was too strong to go against them. Even Siwon stood calmly as he watched them, and didn’t seem to be boiling with anger because of such affront to the Gods.

Minho and Kibum eventually stood up with the help of their respective friends, and walked towards each other in front of the table. They stood side by side and turned towards the assembly, joining their hands together and fulfilling all their bows : to the King’s mother, to the representative of the Prince’s father — Lord Taehyun hadn’t been able to leave Mongje to attend the wedding — then to the ritual statuettes representing the ancestors, and finally, to the guests.

All bows were returned, and the gong resounded one last time in the night. King Minho and Prince Kibum of Jinju were now remarried, and they were celebrated with a round of applause that made them blush. 

The door behind them opened and they all stopped their congratulations to look at the old woman who was coming their way, a little girl walking by her side while holding her hand. She was wearing her own small ceremonial attire, all yellow like her grandmother ; the latter covered her mouth, for she hadn’t been warned about it and it felt like a surprise intended for her. 

Both husbands turned towards the newcomers and smiled warmly, as Kibum held his long coat and crouched, stretching his arms. Sooyun, who had been startled by the amount of big persons around, eventually noticed her favourite person and giggled, letting go of her nanny’s hand. Her little steps were clumsy but she never fell, and she even gave her speed a small impulse when she was close enough to the Prince, almost throwing herself into his arms.

The man laughed and immediately carried her, sitting her on his arms as he stood up and faced the crowd. He placed a kiss on her cheek and looked at his husband, who smiled tenderly before addressing the guests.

“You had heard of her through our envoy, a few months ago.” Minho said with a confident voice. “But you are meeting her for the first time tonight : the Royal Princess and Heiress of the Choi Dynasty… our daughter, Sooyun.”

The little girl got startled when all big persons started applauding, but she eventually applauded herself to imitate them, what made everyone laugh and awe. Queen Boa held her stomach, the sight of this pretty little princess making her even hastier to meet her own baby. At the same time, Taeyeon let a sneeze out and it was decided that everyone should gather in the Pearl Room, where Jihwan had prepared a tremendous feast. All guests followed her lead, while her husband brought up the rear. 

Only remained in the gardens the King, the Prince and the Princess. Sooyun was mesmerized by the almost full moon above her head, big and shining so bright she covered her eyes. Kibum laughed and adjusted her little hat.

“Do you remember our waltz, during my mother’s birthday reception ?” Minho asked his husband.

“Of course I do, I think that’s when I fell in love with you.” The other man shyly smiled. “Why ?”

“Because I asked the musicians to play one after dinner. This time, I will be the one requesting a dance from you.”

“And I will accept with a great pleasure, my King. But if I may surprise you before…”

“Surprise me ?”

With an enigmatic smile, Kibum cleared his throat and caught his daughter’s attention. Her big eyes stared at him, questioning, and he kissed her forehead before pointing at Minho.

“Sooyun-ah.” He called, making sure she looked at who his finger showed. “Who is this ?”

“Appa.”

The little girl giggled once she said the word, and immediately waved her arms towards the King, who stood there, gaping, unable to say a word in return. If it wasn’t for his husband approaching their daughter, he would certainly have remained frozen on spot. With a heartwarming smile, Minho grabbed Sooyun and hugged her tight, his silence turning into an irrepressible laughter that betrayed his happiness.

“We trained a lot.” The Prince said, caressing the other man’s back. “Days of showing you whenever you enter her field of vision and saying the word. She eventually understood it was who you were.”

“But… you ?” The King looked at his husband, his eyes wet with tears. “You spend more time with her than I do, why did you ensure that her first word would be for me ?”

“Because you deserve it. You saved my life, more than once. I might have saved yours, once or twice… but you saved me from my life, this horrible life I was suffering. You deserve the world, Minho, and… and that’s all I came up with to thank you.”

“Nothing could have been more beautiful.”

Minho smiled and leaned on his husband to kiss his lips, making sure to caress his daughter’s back at the same time to prevent her from interrupting them too soon. Both men kissed under the moonlight with their child in their arms, like the perfect scenery of a book of poetry…

“Minho !” Jihwan’s voice resounded in the gardens, coming from the open door. “The feast ! You’ll catch your death, all of you come inside immediately !”

The King and Prince laughed together, blushing from the unexpected interruption. Holding each other’s hand, while the princess rested on her father’s arm, they all obeyed the matriarch and headed inside. And by stepping in the palace this time, linked by their wedding, by their interlaced fingers and by the single existence of Sooyun, they felt complete.

_________________

This is the end of this story...

Thank you very much for waiting for every update, despite the last ones coming extremely slowly. Thank you for following this adventure and making me feel validated with all your reactions. This was one of the best experiences I've ever had, if I can say it. It was more than just writing a fanfic, it's a whole universe we created together and I'll keep it forever in my heart.

This story is over, but I might think of some extra chapters sometimes, shorter and telling about the daily life of our "newly-rewed" couple, their daughter growing up, some stuff for the General and the Teacher, even... who knows? Does it really have an end?

Thank you again. 

BONUS HERE

[bunny-banana]

For the director's cut thing, the story where Fabri asks Ermal out on a date but Ermal doesn't realize that? 👀

YO SO WE GONNA DO THAT OR WHAT

Its this fic btw if anyones curious.  

Chap 1

Even with closed eyes, he sensed the man lying next to him turn towards him but Fabrizio did not spoke immediately. No, he just stayed silent for a bit, Ermal wasn’t quite sure what he was observing but before Ermal could ask, Fabrizio broke the silence.

its u. he’s gazing at u, u idiot.

*

*

’You didn’t exactly give off the vibe that you’d say yes’

“What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t give off the vibe?!”

mr no-homo meta has NO right to be surprised at that. boy went into a panic attack every time someone as much as breathed the suggestion ofc fab was Anxious

*

*

A certain Roman showing up at his doorstep looking like he’d belong to the Milan Fashion Week.A tight grey shirt whose top three buttons almost begged to be opened (yet remained miraculously, in Fabris case, closed!) clung nicely to the body underneath it. A very fine silver chain hung around his neck that perfectly fit with the rings and the watch on his hand.Instead of ripped denim, now tight & shiny dark jeans were worn and to round this look up, an impeccably tailored black, suit jacket was thrown over him.

so not to be Hoe on main but we all just love Sexy Fab.  but more so, i really thought Fabrizio would have put a lot of effort into dressing nicely this time around. Probably called a few friends, crying to help him. He just wanted Ermal to like his look. Which he did.   A lot.  again, outstanding heterosexual of the year, ermal meta is completely mesmerised by that look.

*

*

“Well, well, Fab. Gotta say, this place is on a whole different level“ The curly haired man commented as he flipped through the menu.“You like it?”“How could I not?”

again, Fabrizio intentionally looking up a fancy place for their Date, something he actually felt a little bit uncomfortable about himself and wouldnt normally chose for himself. But then again, he was greatly relieved when Ermal actually did say he liked it.

*

*It felt.. nice. The whole evening was quite nice, Ermal had to admit, even with the unusual ambient.

Ermal is just honestly iconic in this fic. man enjoys fabrizios appearance, enjoys talking with him,  eating out with him, just spending time with him in general sooo much……and yet.

*

*

Fabrizio tilted his head and was it the candle light or something else, but a intriguing shine filled his eyes.“I’d know something sweeter than this.” In the next moment, everything turned upside down when Fabrizio suddenly took his hand and intertwined their fingers, his thumb gently brushing over the back of the younger man’s hand.

THE COURAGE THIS TOOK. THE NERVES WHICH WERE WRECKED.  Fab really just went “ok here we go balls to the wall now or never”

*

*

Chap2

“So, Fabrizio….Fabrizio likes me. Apparently.” It felt interesting to say it out loud. Ermal got a tingly feeling at the thought. So ..it was him who made Fabrizio blush earlier? Who made him nervous? And smiley?  Christ, he actually really wanted Ermal to like his outfit, didn’t he? A small smirk found its way on Ermal’s face. Who would have thought that he’d have Fabrizio Moro of all people wrapped around his finger.

erm: so im het

also erm: wow i really really like the fact that fabrizio is into me. its actually super exciting. kinda makes me happy in a way.

*

*

“Wait, what?! I should ask him out?!”“Yeah? Isn’t that something you want?”Is that something he- But that would imply that he’d want to pursue Fabrizio, his very male, masculine, manly friend Fabrizio who was definitely not by any chance a woman. To have a relationship with guy that was …..romantic… and oh sweet Mother of God, sexual?!“I- I- I don’t know.”

so yeah, to get to the bottom of this, when you’re in the process of realising your own …..non-heterosexuality, its just A Lot to take in.  I thought, realistically, that would just be a bit too much for Ermal to take in at that moment. He had to process the mere thought of “yes, you could have a romantic relationship with this guy, since he’s into you. Its absolutely a possibility”. When you’re conditioned to think “i can only ever date people of the opposite sex” all your life, it takes a bit of time to get accustomed to new possibilities.

And then theres the sexual aspect which is like, on Jupiter, for Ermal’s current state of mind.

*

*

Chap3

The video he currently was immersed in showed a slow-mo fight between a mongoose and a cobra that in all its intensity outdid any action movie in a heartbeat.

i remember watching that vid before writing that chapter and being mesmerised by it. u fucking go lil mongoose!

*

*

[Bizio]: sorry i cant this weekend

First, i just love the thought of him being saved as Bizio on Ermals phone. Second, the reason why he replied so late was because he was wrecking his mind about it. Should he go? should he not? god, the thought of seeing ermal excited him and yet scared him. nonononno. he’s trying to get Over Ermal. He needs space. he is not ready yet.

*

*

[Ermal]:Fabri!! Heard you’re coming up North! 😁 I have this excellent bottle of wine that a fan gave me the other day (don’t ask) so how about we open it at my place? I know you love a good wine 😉🍷

He couldn’t even slide the phone back into his pocket before it started buzzing. Surprisingly, the reply came almost instantly this time.[Bizio]:sorry no the schedule is pretty tight for me at the moment i dont think ill have much time in milan

i just image him getting the weirdest fucking fan gifts. also lmao the lightning speed with which fab replied. homeboy saw that wine would be involved and imemdiately thought “nononononono. worst case, my drunk ass might kiss him, god forbid. we are absolutely not gonna do that”

*

*

[Ermal]:So I’m flipping through the channels at home and there comes a baking show and I wouldn’t normally stop to watch but you know what they’re baking? Those creamy pastry things we had in Lisbon!

Now the idea about the Pasteis de Nata stemms from a real life event! During ESC 2018 i slept at a friends house and since the contest was held in Portugal we decided to cook something portuguese. Thats what we did. They fucking slap. Also, one of the best weekends ive ever had

*

*

However, this is how things continued as to all of Ermal’s messages, he’d receive rather uncharacteristically short replies. When he sent him photos he’d often not reply at all and even when he called Fabri didn’t pick.

Okay we have to image in WHAT kinda mental state Fabrizio is in that time. Boy is EMBARASSED to death. Then obviously, he is trying his hardest to get rid of this crush.  So he just isnt talking to Ermal at all. Which in turn makes him lonely and sad.  So then Ermal shoots him a message, sends him a picture and Fabrizio is immediately head over heels again. Which he shouldnt be. Bad Fabri. And the circle repeats itself.

*

*

Fabrizio who smiled sweetly at the host, who hugged her tightly, who joked with her and oh, whose eyes didn’t stick to her face but wandered more and more south.

Dude honestly, Fab was not flirting with anyone. He was just being nice as he usually is. And we all know he a lil bit sleazy so yeah, he might have looked down once or twice. but he really was not flirting. It was just Ermals affection-deprived mind going berserk.

Also that was the first time Ermal witnessed Fabrizio being affectionate with someone else. And the contrast to that cold shoulder he received was just the last straw for him.

*

*

“Why is he all smiley and lovey-dovey with her while he treats me as if I’m a war criminal?!” Ermal shouted the second the other line got picked up.“Uhm, hello? Maybe a ‘Good morning’ first of all? A simple ‘how are you doing, Sabina?’ would have been appreciated too.”

Damn bitch can ya greet ur sister first before going off smh

*

*

And would it have been really that bad if Ermal had just held on to his hand? Let Fabrizio gently stroke him with his thumb, maybe even squeeze back while Ermal’s finger draws circles over letters that covered the older man’s knuckles.It would have been nice and Ermal would have liked it.

I think he just needed to see what he was missing out to realise what he really has always wanted. If things were to go back to normal, he would have never made any realisations.

*

*

“Am I- Do I like Fabrizio?”

No, we dont ask what he is. Because thats for another time, a calmer time. Or maybe not at all. He doesnt know the answer to that question and its not important right now. All he knows is that despite it all, he likes Fabrizio.

*

*

The fact he was a guy was new, but those feelings involved weren’t.

I feel like this is just a very bisexual experience. At least to me it was. Its very confusing when u are genuinely attracted to the opposite sex, so you make the conclusion: you are obviously straight. Its not possibly that you are not-straight.  

Then u start feeling attraction to someone of ur own gender and its like “hmmm. Obviously this must be fake since we have established that Im genuinely attracted to the opposite sex ”

But the thing is..it aint going away. And then u think how you’d perhaps be down for sex, and perhaps be down for something more, and perhaps do all those nice things you would be doing with someone of the opposite sex.  

So yeah, its ..its really confusing and complicated to figure it out. And if you actually do have a feelings for someone it only makes matters more complicated ig

*

*

“Jesus, I really do like him. Me. Liking a guy.”

Again, once u made That Realisation, its just the WILDEST thing in the beginning. a complete NEW concept being applied to yourself.

*

*

“LISTEN CUT THE BULLSHIT I KNOW EXACTLY THAT YOU’RE HOME! OPEN UP OR I WILL STAND HERE ALL NIGHT I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND!” In addition to the knocking he now also started ringing the doorbell. He sure as hell wouldn’t move here until that door wasn’t opened.“I DONT GIVE A FUCK, I WON’T EVEN SLEEP AND NEITHER WILL YOU. I CAN GO ON FOREVER YOU HEAR ME, FABRIZIO MOBRICI?!”

Ermal is just unhinged in all my fics.

*

*

Epilogue

[Ermal💛]: You ready?

Fabrizio added that heart right immediately after Ermal left his house a week prior.

*

*

Ermal looked….cuddly.

So yeah we all know Fab isnt the keenest on fashion and shit. And i just though Ermal would want him to be as comfortable as possible on their date, so he was like “ay come casual” . and also, its sort of cute that Ermal lets Fabri see him so casual too, its sort of more private in that sense.

*

*

And those were still the mild surprises, let’s not start with the downright shock he felt when his brain started providing words like kissable, attractive, sexy and hot during lonelier nights.

i have a fic for those kinda nights too

*

*

“It’s not that far and God knows men your age need the exercise anyway.”

ermal just cant show affection like a normal person, he has to roast u even when he’s madly in love with u

*

*

What followed behind the colourful door was a small chaos. Literally. People constantly coming and going, with buzzing voices chatting in every corner. They made their way half through the rather crowded establishment, got greeted by a waiter who rushed past them, before they finally spotted a couple leaving, liberating two chairs for them.

SO YEAH. the restaurant. it is loosely based on a place here in Vienna. Its pakistani food too, its a buffet, its kinda chaotic like described in the fic. also u can pay as much as u want.

i just thought, yknow, its home made cooking and its kinda relaxed and chill and casual and has a certain liberal flair to it. and i thought yeah that has fabri energy we gonna use that. also their mango rice puddings fucking slap

*

*

Languages were not his forte, those belonged to Ermal, but Fabrizio ran through his options. It surely wasn’t French or Spanish, that he would at least recognise. German looked different too; they had those dots over their U’s and those curly B’s which allegedly weren’t B’s at all. Swedish? Danish? No. He’s been to Ikea often enough to know that his wardrobe wouldn’t be called Qershor. And Russian had different letters but maybe it was something similar to Russian?

Okay, so I’m a known Slut for Languages.  Fabrizio is not. I can pretty much recognise most European languages in written form at some point in a text. Fabrizio can not. Therefore writing this from the perspective of someone who really isnt into languages was kind of interesting and a bit challenging. I was just thinking ‘how would he recognise them when he isnt into them?’  And i think, in the end, i did it realistically.

*

*

“Is it like..Serbian? Croatian? Or something?” He mumbled while putting a piece of eggplant in his mouth but quickly realised the answer when Ermal almost spit out his water from laughing.“No, definitely not. I can guarantee you, it’s very much not Serbian or Croatian ‘or something’.” Ermal chuckled with a bright smile, obviously enjoying their little guessing game. “But you’re close. In a way.”

This is SO embarrassing but this whole language guessing game was just a setup to an inside joke I have with myself.  So, for those who don’t know, I speak Serbo-Croatian. And I study Slavic studies. The first things they tell you in the first lesson of the Slavic Linguistics course is “Please, for the love of God, PLEASE, dont say Albanian/Hungarian/Romanian is a slavic language”. Apparently many europeans assume these languages are because theyre surrounded by slavic countries. BUT TO AN ACTUAL SLAVIC NATIVE SPEAKER, the difference is immediately obvious and so its quite comical when people assume theyre related languages.   So i thought the reverse would be kinda funny to Ermal too.

*

*

“I can be anything the teacher wants me to be. A good student, a naughty student, whatever floats his boat…” He asked sultrily before winking at the man across of him whose higher brain functions seemed to have ceased at once and just gaped at him like a fish.

boys whole brain got fried when the sexiest man in italy started flirting with him. issokay, he was just shocked. fabrizio has never been flirty with him before, he’ll get used to it.

*

*

“I was just trying to give you the best date that I could.“At those words, the Roman frowned however."Wait, this was a date?!”

im just an asshole honestly

*

*

They giggled as they finally closed the gap between them going for a slow and deep kiss.

i just love them being all SOFT and in LOVE

*

*

“Erm, I- I have an instore tomorrow, I better be well rested.”His counterpart just huffed and raised an eyebrow.“So were you planning on staying up all night, huh?”

Fabs horn dog brain definitively went HmmmmMmm this is nice:) ..could get even nicer:)  but no fuck, i have work to do tomorrow

*

*

“Love how you immediately forget about a good night’s sleep once you have a tongue in your mouth.”“Fuck off.”

He just got carried away as if u were complaining ermal smh

*

*

"I bet on everything I have that your password is 'liberoanita1’ so yes, I actually can.”

Parents culture is just using ur children’s names as all your passwords and we all know Fabri is that kinda parent.

*

*

All in All, i also wanna talk about how the epilogue mirrors the first chapter, but in a more successful light.

Fabrizio dresses for Ermal - Ermal dresses for Fabrizio

fancy place - more casual place

They take the car - they walk

Fabrizio takes Ermals hand on the open for everyone to see - Ermal takes Fabrizios hand under the table, in private

They eat their dessert seperately - they eat theri dessert together

they fall out - they become closer, kiss

they dont talk - they plan the next date

anyway thanks for reading and thank uuuuuu for this ask julchen

[elsaclack]

Omg!!! I'm so glad you're doing the kiss promts!! Can you please do 10!! Or 3!! Or aaah y'know could be both combined!!! Once again I loooove your writing and you're the owner of such a wonderful mind!🌻

3. kissing so desperately that their whole body curves into the other person’s

10. staring at the other’s lips, trying not to kiss them, before giving in

ummmm heyyyyy let’s pretend like this isn’t like 4 months late shall we?

anyways i’ve been struggling to build a premise around these prompts for…oh…4 months now and today i finally landed on one that kind of works. it’s a little weird and AU BUT it’s also, like, gratuitous making out and it’s also borderline plotless so it has that going for it i guess?

basically it’s a superhero au very, VERY loosely based on tua, in that i took superpowers from that universe and applied them to jake and amy (and rosa but only vaguely in passing conversation). so understanding tua is not in any way necessary to understanding this au, i’ve just been obsessed with a superhero au lately and i decided to give it a try with this prompt and it worked out a little better than i was expecting.

SO without further ado…

She’s three paces away from his front door before the panic finally overtakes the calm and she freezes mid-step.

The hallway is quiet, only the faintest sounds of muffled televisions and clinking dishes meeting her through the series of closed doors lining either side, and she’s certain that if she strains hard enough she could probably pick out the sounds of his voice over all others.

(That’s a new ability she’s noticed about herself as of late - she can bend the fabric of space and time, and she can hone in on Jake’s voice even over the cacophony of an explosion. Nevermind the fact that neither seem related on paper, it’s fact.)

(It’s also so much easier to feed the beast of denial prowling like a lion in the back of her mind.)

She lets out a small groan and grips the straps of the tote hanging off of her right shoulder a little harder. The stiff fabric cuts into the places where her fingers curl and she closes her eyes, trying to focus on it over the rising panic in her gut. This is fine. This is normal. She’s been here close to a dozen times before, especially as of late. It’s normal.

Except, of course, for the fact that her mask is buried somewhere in the bowels of her tote and not firmly affixed to her face to cover her eyes, the way it has been every other time she’s been here before. That’s different. That’s new.

But she can still see the way his mouth had flattened in that grim, determined grimace earlier. She can still see the way he’d pointed upwards, his brows raised in an unvoiced question. She can still feel the weight of his gun - the only one not lost in the chaos of the fight - in her hands. She can still see the way he’d motioned for her to do it - to rip the fabric of space apart, to slip through, to teleport herself up high so that she could take the final kill shot on the giant bloated alien monster that had been terrorizing Brooklyn just a matter of hours ago.

And she can still see the way the earth spun in a dizzying, wobbling way, far too blurry and fast for her to get her bearings enough to teleport safely back to the ground. And she can still feel the pure fear of that realization that she was plummeting to her death alongside the alien she’d just successfully killed.

And she can still feel his body slamming into hers mid-air, his arms cinching tight around her, his recently-discovered levitating abilities working overtime to first get him up to her and then to slow their momentum enough that they hit the ground relatively unscathed.

And after the fact - after he saved her life - there was this moment. This breathtaking, heart-stopping, paralyzing moment, when he’d looked at her and she’d looked at him and his hands subconsciously gripping her waist maybe…weren’t so subconscious in the way his thumbs stroked along her ribs and his fingers rippled and tensed. And he’d leaned toward her - that much was undeniable - and she thinks she maybe, probably leaned toward him too.

But the world was still trying to settle after teetering on the brink of collapse and Rosa was howling in victory and Charles’ footsteps were pounding into the ground, growing ever closer, and his grip went from protective and just a little bit possessive to helpful and supportive in the blink of an eye.

She would have been ready to completely forget it ever happened - the way she always did when they went and had one of those moments - if not for him pulling her aside and gently adjusting her mask right as the reporters began to swarm. “I accidentally knocked it out of place earlier,” he’d explained softly as he smoothed down the corners against her temples. “No one saw anything - I didn’t see anything - it was just crooked, and - and I know how much you hate that during interviews.”

His fingertips trailed down her face, then, most assuredly not against her mask any longer, but he didn’t linger for long. Just a feather-light touch of her cheeks, a gentle brush of a thumb against her chin, and then he was stepping back and gesturing for her to lead the way toward the mob.

And that - that has been plaguing her for hours.

Because she didn’t even think to try and stop him when he reached for her mask. Because she let him adjust it - because she probably would have let him take it off of her completely.

Because no one has ever seen her take her mask off. No one knows her secret identity. Jake doesn’t even know her real name - none of them do.

And yet here she stands, maskless, heart in her throat.

Three paces down from where Jake lives.

She’s been here before - crashed on his couch and, once, in his bed after missions, worked out long and winding mysteries in his living room, tried and failed to learn how to cook in his kitchen under Charles’ watchful gaze. She’s been here before, and yet -

With a quiet, somewhat defeated sigh, she pulls her tote open and reaches for her mask. She lifts it to her face slowly, only pressing down lightly - enough that it will stay in place, but without the usual intensity as during a physical fight.

It’s much easier to take the next step forward after that.

She knocks on his door before she can convince herself not to, and from inside she hears the glass clink of a bottle hitting a hard surface, and the muffled beats of socked feet trotting against carpet. She swallows hard as the light behind his peephole flickers - and shifts her weight nervously when she hears his deadbolt slide and click.

He’s not wearing his mask. The door is only partially open and his face is mostly hidden in the shadows of his ill-lit apartment, but she can see the reflection of light glinting against deep brown set against white. It’s the first thing she notices - followed shortly by the evidence of their fight only just developing on his face, like the bruises on his jaw and the scabbed over cut on the bridge of his nose.

(She hasn’t exactly examined herself in the mirror yet, but she’s fairly certain her own face is in similar shape.)

“Hey,” he says - cautious, almost reserved, but not guarded.

Never guarded.

This is the fourth time she’s seen him without his mask on.

“Hi,” she whispers.

He takes a small, tentative step forward - and the light from the hallway illuminates his entire face for the first time. His eyes flicker as he searches her face, curious in a way that somehow quiets the panic she’d felt before. “Everything okay?”

“Um…no.”

Concern fills his gaze at once, and his body visibly tenses - weight shifting to center on his feet, the muscles of his chest and arms tightening.

“Wait, not - I mean, everything, everything is okay,” she gestures into his apartment, toward where she knows the windows are situated on the far wall, and he relaxes again - aside from the little pucker in his brow. “I just meant - I’m not okay.”

His Adam’s apple bobs and he rocks forward a degree. “Did I - did I hurt you? Earlier, when we fell -”

“What? No! No, of course not, you - you saved me, Jake. You absolutely did not hurt me.”

A tiny, minuscule wave of relief seems to wash through him, but it isn’t enough to ease the creases between his brows. “Good,” he says, nodding as he reaches up to rub his fingertips against the back of his neck. “So, then…what’s up?”

“I just…I’m not…I’m not good at this.”

He pushes his door open a little wider and leans against the doorframe, his arms crossed loosely over his chest. “That’s okay,” he says. “I’m patient. Take your time.”

She nods and drops her gaze to her feet. “I owe you,” she murmurs.

“You do not.” he says so sharply she looks up on instinct. “You don’t owe me crap. We both know I would’ve done the same thing for any of the others without hesitation. I didn’t even have to think about it, Dora,” he says the false name he gave her years earlier gently and her stomach bottoms out. “Please don’t think that I’m gonna hold this over you or something, okay? I would never do that.”

“No, I know you wouldn’t, that’s not - what I meant.” The intensity is still burning in his gaze, but curiosity is beginning to blossom there, too - she inhales deeply and sets her shoulders. “You have been nothing but open and vulnerable with me, especially over the last few weeks. And I’m - I want to do that, too. I want to be more open and more vul-…I want to be more vulnerable. Because - because I trust you. I trust you.” As she repeats the phrase, the corner of his mouth quirks up - but still, the concern persists.

“I believe you,” he says with a shrug.

“That’s - I mean, thank you, but - I still want to do this.”

He searches her face a half-moment longer before his gaze drops down to her shaking hands - now slowly moving up toward her face. “Hey,” he pushes off the doorframe, arms coming uncrossed, socked feet moving over the threshold to inch toward her. The door swings shut behind him - he doesn’t seem to hear it. “It’s okay - you don’t have to do that, Dora, really -”

“I know I don’t,” she says through grit teeth as her fingernails gently pry the stiff leather away from her skin. He pauses, hands raised between them, a half-hearted attempt at moving her own hands away from her face. “But I want to. Really, I do. Unless you don’t want me to.”

He stares a moment longer, face twisted in indecision, before his shoulders drop and his hands fall back to his sides. “I want you to,” he whispers, looking stricken by his own confession.

She shoots him a small smile before working the mask away from her face. The adhesive sticks stubbornly to her skin and she quietly hisses when it pulls at the edge of a barely-developed bruise along her cheekbone. He watches, motionless, aside from his hands rhythmically clenching and unclenching at his sides.

Finally, the mask completely separates from her face, but she holds it over her eyes for another moment. “Dora isn’t my real name,” she murmurs.

His eyes widen. “You don’t have to tell me your real name,” he says quickly. “I mean I - I want to know, but more than anything I want you to feel safe and if me not knowing your real name makes you feel safe, then -”

“Jake,” she interrupts, and he falls silent at once. “I do feel safe with you. That’s why I’m doing this.” He opens and closes his mouth, before slowly shaking his head in clear wonder. “I want you to know my real name before you - see me. The real me. Is that okay?”

He nods.

She inhales again - a short puff of air - and lifts her chin a degree. He’s chewing the inside of his cheek in anticipation, and she can’t help but to smile at the endearing sight. “Okay,” she breathes. Jake shifts his weight from one foot to the other as she slowly lowers the mask, and her eyes fall closed as the leather interrupts her view of his breathless, affectionate face. They remain closed even as her hands drop down to her sides; the silence that follows is practically deafening.

She’s looking down at their feet when her eyes flutter open again and despite the nervousness simmering in her belly, she’s genuinely surprised to see he’s moved toward her since she closed her eyes - their toes are mere inches apart. And she knows when she finally lifts her gaze up to his face, he’ll be close enough that she’ll be able to count each individual freckle where they faintly smatter against his nose and cheekbones.

“My name - my real name - is…Amy.”

He’s looking at her like he’s just discovered the secret to life when she meets his eyes; his grin is blinding, his eyes shining. “Amy,” he repeats, so carefully, so reverently, and it sounds even better in his voice than she daydreamed it would. “God, I’ve been - I’ve been imagining this moment for so long - you have the best name, I love your name. And your eyes. God, your eyes are so pretty, I don’t - I don’t even know what to do with myself -”

She laughs, and he laughs, too, but his is filtered through a shaky gasp. “Oh, my god, when you smile it’s like - like your eyes smile, too? How do they - I mean, I’ve never -” he cuts himself off with another choked laugh and she’s still smiling, even as his eyes openly rove over her face. “God, you’re so pretty,” he whispers - to himself, it seems.

She knows her smile has gone shy, that the heat from the tips of her ears is probably pouring through her whole face, but she can’t bring herself to care - his flickering eyes have landed on her lips, his own smile slowly fading, replaced by unmistakable desire.

Nerves pulse through her heart, but she shifts toward him anyways - just like before. He blinks rapidly as she makes her slow approach, lips parting in apparent surprise. The tip of his tongue darts out to wet the corner of his mouth and she feels herself swallow thickly, eyes glued to the spot even after his tongue vanishes.

He ducks his head, the tip of his nose brushing against hers seconds before his lips press tentatively against hers.

Aside from the rapid beating of her heart in her chest and his own noisy breathing, neither one of them move. It’s a little strange, almost…maybe…bad…but then -

Then he moves into her all at once, his arms rising up to haul her closer to him, bringing her up to the balls of her feet. She quickly steadies herself with her arms around his shoulders, and not a moment later her back his arching, bending, curving backwards, as Jake’s tongue sweeps into her mouth. He groans against her when she angles her head, fingertips digging a little harder into the meat of his shoulders before one travels up to lightly cup his cheek. Her tote falls from her shoulder and lands in a clatter at their feet but he doesn’t seem to notice - he groans again, louder than before, when both hands frame his face and her tongue brushes against his as she pushes into his mouth.

His hand sweeps up her spine, the arm still around her waist tightening to better stabilize her, and then his fingers are pushing up through her hair to brace the back of her neck. The crown of her head lightly bumps against something hard and solid, followed quickly by her shoulders; it’s as she feels his body stooping, arms burrowing down around her beneath her armpits, knees bending and thighs tensing, that she realizes she’s just hit the back wall of his apartment building hallway and he has every apparent intention of lifting her up and pinning her there, in plain view of his neighbors.

“Mm,” she hums against him as her feet just barely leave the ground, dropping both hands to land against his shoulders. “Mm, Ja- Jake,” she turns her head away, ripping her lips from his, and he rears back, eyes bright with alarm. “No, no, no, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s - it was good, it was really good -” She has just enough time to register his relief before he’s moving toward her again, quickly working his way down to her jaw, kissing and lightly nibbling, drawing quiet gasps from her every few seconds. “Jake we - we’re in, we’re in the hall.”

“And?” he grunts, lips now moving over her the side of her neck, experimenting with the sensitive skin around her left ear.

“We need to - to go inside,” her voice is thin and airy, borderline pathetic, and when his teeth scrape against a particularly sensitive spot she has to bite down hard on her knuckles to keep from audibly moaning.

“Been wanting to do this for years,” he mumbles between kisses. “If you think I’m gonna stop for one second -”

“Someone might see,” she gasps.

He grins against her, lips curling against her skin, and through their chests pressed together she can feel his heart hammering just as hard as her own. “I didn’t know you were into people watching you do this kinda thing, Amy,” he murmurs, voice low and teasing where it rumbles in her ear.

She swats his shoulder hard enough that the sound reverberates down the hall. “I meant someone might see,” she says, suddenly able to think clearer in the midst of a more familiar dynamic in the midst of this newly intimate setting. She nods her head down; her mask lies to the left of his foot, slipped from her grasp after being swept up in him. The sight of it seems to sober him a little, though not enough for him to move away; he extends his leg and sweeps it back toward them with his foot, his grin bright and eager as he moves it to lie in the narrow space between the heels of her feet and the wall behind her.

“There,” he says, unmistakably triumphant. “Now, where was I?”

She lets out a laugh as he lunges back toward her, hands pressed against his shoulders and head angled up so his lips only make the barest contact with her cheek. “We should go inside,” she insists as he leans away, pouting. “It’ll be more fun…”

His expression seems to light up with interest for a moment, but the pouting returns all too soon, visible even as he drops his forehead down against hers. “But I don’t wanna move.”

“I can’t show you what’s in my tote if we don’t go inside.”

He pulls back, brow furrowed. “Is that like a euphemism or something?”

“Oh, my god, no! I just - I brought, like, food and movies and stuff, in case you wanted to hang out or something -”

“I definitely want to hang out,” he says, “but the food and the movies can wait for later.”

He winks suggestively and she rolls her eyes, but before she can think of a rebuttal he shifts and his thigh presses up between hers and oh, yeah, they need to get inside his apartment now. “Fine,” she rasps - and he grins with unmistakable pride at the audible effect he has on her. “We’ll do it the hard way.”

She hooks her foot through the straps of her tote and shifts back so that the heel of her other foot presses against her mask, and then she’s tipping forward, hands ripping through the spacial fabric around them to teleport them both directly to his bedroom.

“Whoa!” he shouts as he topples backwards, the backs of his knees hitting the mattress and knocking him completely off-balance, sending them both down in a tumbling heap. His arms stay around her this time; she blinks and shakes her head to find his face just inches away, staring up at her in wonder. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that,” he murmurs.

“Actually, it’s sort of like getting over car sickness - after a while, you don’t even really feel it anymore -”

“Not teleporting,” he interrupts. He reaches up slowly and brushes her long hair back behind her ear, before gently ghosting his fingertips along her cheekbone, just under her left eye. “This. You. You’re just - you’re so smart and beautiful and badass -” She scoffs a little at that, and he shifts his head to the side, brows furrowing. “What?”

“I am not a badass, I mean - I’m into crossword puzzles and knitting, you make fun of me for it all the time. If anyone’s a badass, it’s Rosa, with all the knives -”

“You can be into crossword puzzles and knitting and still be a badass.” he interrupts indignantly. “Just ‘cause you don’t dress in all black and threaten everyone around you within an inch of their lives for every little thing doesn’t mean you’re not badass. I mean, who stopped that alien earlier? Who killed it? You, or Rosa?”

“Me,” she admits quietly.

“And who was brave enough to come here and be vulnerable on purpose? You, or Rosa?”

“Me.”

He nods. “Badass.”

“I just -”

He surges upward, interrupting her with a kiss, and her heart feels like it might explode or something for how many beats it seems to be skipping. “You’re a badass, Amy,” he repeats in a whisper when he lets his head slowly drop back to the mattress. “And you’re so, so beautiful.”

It’s one of the last truly coherent things either one of them says that night - aside from each other’s names.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 217: The Same as Him

Previously on BnHA: Deku’s team beat Team MonoShin and secured the overall victory for class 1-A. Aizawa was all “hey Deku wtf was that shitshow out there” and Deku answered truthfully but vaguely and said he wasn’t sure. He credited Ochako and Shinsou with saving him, but then Shinsou got all down on himself and said that he only did it because Ochako asked him and because he knew his team would lose if he didn’t act. Aizawa was all “you bonehead, you’re being too hard on yourself” and said that no hero is born truly selfless and that that’s one of the qualities they train to learn. He and Vlad both agreed that Shinsou had more than earned a passing grade, and would most likely be joining the hero course in year 2. The chapter wrapped up with Monoma declaring that he would have won if he’d known ahead of time that Deku’s quirk would turn out to be a “dud.” This led Deku to ponder what exactly occurred when Monoma failed to use his quirk, and it also prompted Aizawa to ask Monoma to come see Eri, most likely to see if he can help her figure out how to control her quirk.

Today on BnHA: All Might, Deku, and Bakugou discuss Deku’s new OFA shenanigans in private. Bakugou points out that there must be some reason why this is happening now, and speculates on the possible connection to All for One. Later that evening, after unsuccessfully trying to draw the quirk out again, Deku heads back to the dorms ominously pondering the relationship between his power and AFO’s. Todoroki walks up to Deku and is all “dude does this make us two-quirks buddies now” and Deku awkwardly makes up some bullshit about it being an offshoot of his original quirk, which Todo buys into hook, line and sinker. The next day the faculty agrees to move Shinsou to the hero course, and Present Mic says the kid reminds him a lot of a young Aizawa. He also namedrops someone called “Shirakumo”, which immediately makes Aizawa go all stiff and hastily exit the conversation. Over at the teacher’s dorms, Monoma copies Eri’s quirk but proclaims it another “dud.” He explains that his power only copies the bare-bones of a quirk, and not any accumulated power stored within said quirk. Eri apologizes for having a “bad quirk” that’s so hard to deal with. Deku reassures her that powers aren’t good or bad and it all depends on how you use them. He realizes this applies to his own power as well, and resolves to master it no matter what.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 225, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

oh my fucking lord

holy shit. it’s Todoroki not using his flames during the sports festival all over again. DAMN IT DEKU YOU’D BETTER FUCKING TAKE ME SERIOUSLY I’LL KILL YOU

that, or they’re both actually trying to see if they can draw the quirk out again. DEKU IS THIS A CONSENSUAL SPAR. OR DO YOU NEED ME TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE THIS BOY A STERN TALKING-TO

they do seem to be in one of the gyms, so at the very least they were presumably smart enough to get permission this time and probably All Might is there watching them

lol

on the other hand, All Might’s supervision doesn’t always mean much for keeping them in line. he has to learn to assert his authority more

oh good, my concerns were unwarranted

it is indeed consensual! Katsuki’s actually out here trying to help Izuku learn to control his new ability! let’s just stop for a second to repeat that. Katsuki is helping Izuku to get a better handle on his quirk. yes, that Katsuki. and that Izuku

though it seems like he misinterpreted the goal of the exercise a little bit possibly lol. to be fair, in his mind he probably doesn’t understand the need to try and put training wheels on this thing and probably feels like Deku should fucking own that shit

(ETA: and having given it more thought, I’m gonna go ahead and say he’s fucking right, actually. I won’t get super in-depth about this since I’ve already posted about it before, but this shows how much faith Katsuki actually has in Izuku, though. in his mind he doesn’t view the new quirk as a danger, and he seems to be of the opinion that all Izuku needs is more practice using it. what’s more, once Deku starts muttering about how he tried to lock the power away, Katsuki immediately gets frustrated and leaves, declaring the whole thing pointless for the time being. pretty sure this is because he’s already come to the conclusion that Deku will also reach by the end of this chapter -- that it doesn’t matter what the nature of the quirk is; what matters is how you use it. in other words, Deku needs to stop being afraid of it and start embracing it.)

anyways, but the point is that yet again we’re only making forward progress with these two. no regression; no jealousy over Deku powering up yet again. and god but it’s just so, so gratifying to me to not have to go through the whole one-step-forward-two-steps-back thing with these characters. once they learn their lesson, it’s learned. this might be my single favorite thing about BnHA tbh

anyways so let’s continue with this chapter which I’m only one and a half pages into and am already in love with!

so Deku’s looking at his right arm appraisingly and confirming that the quirk isn’t activating

he says its “presence” has complete vanished

and now we’re getting a flashback to what I assume is earlier that afternoon, after the training exercise but before this little get together

and OH MY GOD BUT YOU GUYS

KEEP KACCHAN IN THE LOOP 2K19

DEKU LOOKS SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIM THERE THOUGH. AND LOL DID HE JUST INVITE HIMSELF IN OR WHAT. YOU JUST TRY AND HAVE A MEETING WITHOUT HIM AFTER THAT SHIT YOU JUST PULLED DEKU

All Might says that Katsuki is sharing this secret with them now, after all

AND WHERE WAS THAT ATTITUDE DURING LUNCH EARLIER TODAY, THOUGH. WELL WHATEVER, I FORGIVE YOU NOW ON ACCOUNT OF BEING SO HAPPY I COULD CRY

so Kacchan is asking if All Might knew about the whole black quirk thing

fffffff so would that be the Shouto-looking one in the trenchcoat, then? godfuckingdammit, they really did only give us one female wielder of OFA and then fucking went and killed her ass

Bakugou please share some more bonding moments with All Might and Deku so I can take my mind off of this please

also sure would hope Shimura was unaware of it, otherwise lord only knows what she was thinking not telling you. though you were likely only a year older than these two when she passed away, so maybe she just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. that is, if she takes after you and waits ten million years before telling her successor anything

again, not even a hint of ill will toward Deku for being so amazing. and after all, why would there be? he already sorted out his feelings on that on the night of the provisional exam. he knows what he has to do and he knows what Deku has been tasked with doing. so if anything, Deku getting stronger is only a good thing, because he’s All Might’s chosen successor and so he should fucking get stronger already

and I love that All Might also caught that as soon as the question was answered he didn’t waste time pondering it and immediately went to the next logical step in the deduction process. he is an official member of the Scooby Squad now

and also lmao at “don’t call people trash,” but I wonder if he’ll actually listen though. listen, at this point there is no Bakugou character development that would surprise me. he is crushing it; I wouldn’t put anything past him

Deku says that all Hellboy said was that “the time has come,” but I’m inclined to agree with Katsuki though that there was some sort of external trigger. what was it that triggered his dream last night? and I’m still not convinced it’s a coincidence that Shinsou has had some involvement with Deku both times that this Vestiges shit happened

oh SHIT

FUCKING YESSSSS OH MY GOD

this. this is the kind of shit I’ve been waiting for THIS WHOLE TIME

how many meetings like this have All Might and Deku had together, though? they’ve discussed all kinds of things about One for All, and yet this is the one topic that they’ve never once addressed, aside from all the way back in chapter 59 when All Might first told Deku about OFA’s origins. they’ve just kind of skirted around this shit. and I mean, I understand why; obviously AFO is a huge trigger for All Might in general, and it’s just easier for both of them to pretend like he’s no longer a threat now that he’s safely tucked away in prison

except that both of them know that is some bullshit, though. because unlike Katsuki, these two clods know about Nighteye’s prophecy, for one. and there is a reason why there’s been a fire burning underneath Deku’s feet ever since the end of summer, and it’s not just because of the conversation the three of them had at Ground Beta. he knows. deep down some part of him knows he can’t afford to sit on his hands. there’s been an urgency in the back of his mind for quite some time now

and as for All Might, he’s been to visit AFO in Tartarus and he’s seen for himself what that situation is like. AFO’s total lack of concern over his current predicament, and his gleeful talk about the “machinations” he’d put into place and about how everything was going just like he’d planned. and we saw for ourselves not too long ago that even the guards over at Tartarus are fearful of AFO and he puts them on edge and they don’t appear to be at all confident in their ability to hold him if shit hits the fan

basically what I’m saying is that both All Might and Izuku have been walking on eggshells when it comes to this topic even though the situation is unavoidable. so I’m really fucking glad to see Kacchan bring it up almost immediately because yes!! thank you!

OH MY GOD

KATSUKI IS A DAD FOR ONE THEORIST CONFIRMED. oh you really are my son aren’t you

smdh fucking look at this shit

and there we have it. he was thinking it as well but wasn’t going to say anything about it

two conversations in and I’m already fucking over the moon at Kacchan’s dynamic with the two of them and the refreshing change he brings to their plot pow-wows with his blunt and straightforward approach. I swear to god Katsuki if I could make you my favorite character all over again I would

so now we’re back in the gym, and Katsuki’s arguing with Izuku. “I’m tellin’ ya, you need to feel more like you’re in danger!”

I like how confident he is that he’d still be able to kick Deku’s ass even with the new quirk activated sob

(ETA: and in fairness to Bakugou, @addermoray made a really good point a few days ago about his ability to keep up:

this is an excellent take and I completely agree, actually. doesn’t really matter how many quirks Deku gets if Bakugou’s one single quirk gives him near-unparalleled firepower, speed, and agility. he can already pretty much do it all, and the one thing he is still lacking (experience) he’s gaining more and more of with each passing day. so good on him; the rivalry remains alive and well.)

and truthfully, his theory isn’t wrong. we all know that the next time Deku’s back is really against the wall OFA is gonna do some crazy shit again

meanwhile Deku is looking thoughtful and says that if the quirk really does respond to his feelings, “then, at the time...”

DFLKHSLDKJ YOU DON’T HAVE TO REMIND ME WHAT YOUR FEELINGS WERE AT THE TIME DEKU HOLY SHIT IS THIS CHAPTER REALLY GONNA GO THERE TOO!?

aww damn we’re going in a different direction lol

you need to make up your damn mind son. do you want it or not. how about you imagine yourself unlocking it and having total control of it?

meanwhile Katsuki is fed up and walking away since they’re done with the plot talk and the fighting part and now it’s just Deku standing there pondering

(ETA: and as I said in the earlier edit, it’s clear that right now Deku isn’t on the same page as him as far as mastering this. I’m hoping to see more rival training sessions in the near future now that Deku seems to have come around as of the end of the chapter, though.)

so All Might’s saying they’ll call it a night then, and he’s asking Deku if he’s all right, and then dropping him off at the 1-A dorms

and there is yet another shot of Deku staring at his hand. he’s been doing that a lot lately

but! this time the panel is actually extremely intriguing though!

okay two quick Dad for One things here

Deku staring at his own hand and thinking “All for One’s power” is the most blatant fucking foreshadowing I’ve ever seen though

look at the way his face is lit, half in shadow and half in light. that shit is intentional, make no mistake. Horikoshi knows exactly what he’s doing here. good and evil. light and darkness. the son of AFO and the heir to OFA. I am officially bumping up the likelihood of this theory from 30% all the way to 40%. closing in on fifty-fifty odds now guys

anyway, so believe it or not we’re only five pages into this chapter and already it’s a fave. god I love BnHA’s in-between chapters so fucking much

oh damn

Tetsutetsu what are you doing here in the 1-A dorms

and they’re having a conversation that is just impossible to translate to English free from any innuendos

I feel for poor Turk over there at Mangastream, I really do. he’s just trying his best

out of curiosity I went to go check the Viz translation to see how Caleb handled it, and I gotta give him props

that must have taken some doing

lol so anyway then we get this panel

KiriTetsu is the purest ship in this entire canon and I will fight anyone on that

also, “everyone”, huh

oh wow

lmao Ochako’s seemingly-disembodied head in the bottom right corner weirded me out for a sec, especially with her being right next to Hagakure

and jesus christ Toadette, mere hours ago you nearly killed this dude and now you’re hounding him for photos of Hawks that would more than likely get him in trouble to share even if he did have them. please be more considerate

I ship MomoKendou, and seeing Momo with her hair down is so nice. she so rarely does it. she usually has like an Ariana Grande thing going on

I don’t know what the hell Mina is doing to Mineta there but I support it

(ETA: apparently this is a reference to A Clockwork Orange. as previously stated, I support it.)

is Kacchan eating by himself. by my reckoning there are still 17 other people unaccounted for so probably not. but I don’t see Monoma and I’m wondering if he’s gonna go bother him. I actually wouldn’t mind. it wouldn’t feel right if Monoma didn’t go bother someone

oh shit

A WILD TODODEKU MOMENT APPEARS

(ETA: I was so excited about him coming to interrogate Deku that I completely glossed over the fact that this line confirms that Shouto also officially has two quirks. Viz’s translation confirms this (“I didn’t realize you had two quirks, too.”) so Deku and AFO aren’t the only multi-quirk users running about.)

oh shit, again

gotta say, he’s been getting a lot better at passive-aggressively throwing shade lately. got some good practice in with the recent chats he’s had with his pop

ffffffff Deku is Struggling

quirk deprivation! that’s right! look it up! it’s totally a thing and he definitely didn’t just make it up right here on the spot!

asdflskj

oh like you’re one to talk, Mister “It Took Me Ninety-Four Chapters to Put Two and Two Together Even Though Deku All But Told Me Outright Back in Chapter Eleven”

but yes he is super trusting though sob

Deku says that Shouto was amazing too and he’s gotten a lot better at using his flames

but Shouto says he still has a long way to go

ooooooh

hahaha I’m sure people are going to love this

“please excuse me for a moment, this is a very important text from my estranged son”

and what the fuck is with that laughter though. does. does he just not know how to laugh. because it honestly wouldn’t surprise me. “oh look, the corners of my mouth are turning upward and there are these strange rapid breaths of air bursting erratically from my chest.” should probably go get that checked out, Endeav

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ngl I kinda wish this projector screen was more high tech. you sent fucking hologram acceptance letters to every kid in the school for fuck’s sake

also this better mean he’s gonna be in class A! let Aizawa teach him!

oh shit. well we had BakuDeku, KiriTetsu, and TodoDeku so WHY NOT SOME ERASERMIC AS WELL

-- OKAY HOLD THE FUCK UP

what was that?? we have never seen Aizawa react to a topic like that before. Mic barely gets the name out and Aizawa is suddenly all “please shut up fast now”

also, so Mic calls him by his surname, at least in public. what’s up with that?? BUT MY FANFICS lol

well this Shirakumo had better be revealed in the upcoming arc then, and not dragged out for a hundred chapters as these mysteries so often are. well actually, they’re either dragged out for ages or explained not three chapters later lol. rarely a middle ground with this series

MY BABY GIRLLLLLL

lol that’s right, she had a previous encounter with him and Mirio was not too pleased

cotton-headed ninny muggins

so does Mirio fucking live at the teacher’s dorms for the time being or does he just commute here every day in order to have Mary Poppins adventures with his baby sis

now Aizawa’s walking up and apologizing for calling Deku and Mirio over

(ETA: which in hindsight confirms that Mirio’s not just there 24/7. aww.)

he says he has a request for Monoma, but he didn’t want to traumatize Eri by having the two of them interact unmediated

oh shit

he’s got the horn though lol

so is this a fairly common thing with his quirk, then? strange that some of these quirks he’s able to control with ease mere seconds after acquiring them for the first time, but then with others he can’t do anything at all

ah, he’s explaining it now

so pretty much what I thought. except I wasn’t aware that Eri’s quirk accumulated power too

although wait, that’s probably what the horn is. oh shit, so that means that even though she’s super powerful when she’s all charged up, it takes her months to recharge afterwards. so if she’s not able to decrease the recharge time as she gets older, that’s going to be a really effective limiter for her power then

LMAO

I legit burst out fucking laughing. you almost exploded. sure dodged a bullet there

if he seriously thought that was a possibility, maybe he could have, idk, fucking warned the guy before their match started that his quirk was off-limits for Monoma’s own safety though

(ETA: I guess it just didn’t occur to him that Monoma might try it, what with them thinking he had a 3-quirk limit and him most likely copying his teammates’ quirks instead.)

and now Mirio’s asking why Aizawa wanted Monoma to try and copy it

Aizawa says that he thought if Monoma copied it, they could get a better idea of how it works so it might be easier to control it if it gets out of hand again. “but I guess it won’t be that easy”

Eriiiii

(ETA: holy shit is Monoma elbowing Aizawa for making her tear up?)

IT’S NOT A BAD POWER IT IS A VERY GOOD POWER THAT SOME VERY BAD PEOPLE TRIED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

and speaking of, the fact that we’re bringing this up again now makes me hope we’re going to segue to the League sometime soon! because as we all recall, Shigaraki Tomura was last seen some 57 chapters ago taking the Quirk-Be-Gone serum from Overhaul’s very overrated and now nonexistent hands. it’s been quite a while since we’ve seen our antagonist, Horikoshi, and the people are getting restless

(ETA: well, then. lol.)

anyway, so Deku is crouching down and telling Eri her power doesn’t just hurt people, and that she saved him

and he’s comparing it to a knife -- it’s dangerous, but you can also use it to make delicious food lol

and he says he thinks her power is wonderful

awwwwwww

DO YOUR BEST ERIIIII

and you too, Deku. I believe in you. the journey’s not gonna be easy, but you can do it kiddo

so that’s it for this chapter. but damn, that was a hell of a lot of content packed within just 13 pages, though. this is definitely an insta-fave for me

(ETA: it’s in my top ten for sure. so much good stuff, oh man.)

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

(via The Welfare Gnome! It's Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again))

The Welfare Gnome!  It’s Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You.  Ft. Joker (Again)

Cannabis Refugee, Esq.

Advertising / Media / Cultural Conversation

Capitalistic Patriarchal Medicine

Crohn's Disease Stories

Euthanasia / Suicide

Law / Legal / Benefits

December 20, 2019

According to the internet, a “sock gnome” is a mythical creature that pilfers socks.  Presumably it lives in or around the dryer where you put an even number of socks in and get an odd number out.  Sometimes it gets tricksy and spits out an even number but the pairs don’t match (meaning it’s pilfered one from more than one pair) but the usual evidence that you’ve had a sock pilfered by a gnome is that there is one left over that doesn’t have a mate and the missing sock never reappears ever.  This is a real thing (if not a real gnome) and everyone knows what this means.

Well, there appears to be a similar creature that lives at Social Services and pilfers sick and poor people’s applications for welfare benefits.  Or something, idk.  I assume these creatures are related but maybe not since this gnome doesn’t play games: it’s goal seems to be to drive you insane before it literally kills you.  I wrote here before about an application for benefits that went missing, along with a half a dozen other boondoggles that have wasted my spoons and left me scrambling to repeat some administrative process I was barely able to complete survive the first time.

Because while a sick person’s literal inability to jump through bureaucratic hoops is actually the best evidence that someone is extremely ill, someone has decided that only those who are well enough to sing for their supper (or pursue benefits) deserve to eat, as it were.  The first application that went missing was for food stamps, while today I found out that my application to get on a 4 month waitlist to see a doctor went missing 2 months ago and has not been since heard from: although my disability advocate hand-delivered it, the application was never received.

I didn’t know it had never been received since I was instructed to wait for 2-3 months for a phonecall from them whereupon they would then tell me that I had to wait another 4 months to see a provider.  Now I get to start the whole process over again.  Of course, the clock starts, again, from zero: 2-3 months for the application to be processed and another 4 months before I will be seen. And as both Crohn’s disease and high functioning Autism are untreatable and incurable, the only reason I’m even trying to get in to see a doctor is that I need up to date records of medical compliance (not actual therapeutic medical care since none exists) to support my claims for disability.  As if sick people have the time and energy for that.

Just “apply for benefits” then keep applying indefinitely or forever!   Just get showered, dressed, don’t eat or drink anything though because Crohn’s, get somehow transported across town, pretend to act human for a several hours while you are being humiliated, interrogated, starved and otherwise tortured in public, then somehow get a ride back home.  And do all of that without “acting” sick.  Easy peasy.

And truly, bureaucratic incompetence (or a welfare or Social Services gnome) isn’t even worth writing about and I wouldn’t bother writing about it except that it had an unsettling effect on me: I literally wondered, if only for a second, if I had hallucinated the whole thing and therefore wondered if my new disability advocate who had hand-delivered the applications himself, Dave, was even real.  Jesus Christ that was disturbing.  Around Halloween of this year, Dave had helped me complete numerous applications, some online, while he mailed some hardcopies out of town and hand-delivered the rest; the 2 applications that were both hand-delivered were supposedly never received.  One would be understandable, if not acceptable, but both of them?  I was shook.

Very shortly thereafter I realized that the only proof I even have that Dave came to pick me up several times, completed applications for/with me and took me home again is that one application we did online was actually received and has his name and information on it.  Much to my chagrin, they initially returned that “online” application to me in hardcopy to review, sign and return (WTF) but as it turns out, that bit of bureaucratic fuckery actually saved me from something awful — a literal break from reality — and was the only proof I had that Dave and our interactions were even real.  Also, my old disability advocate told me about Dave in front of another person and they both remember it.  (!)  So yeah, I’m legit losing my mind by now but at least I’m not delusional (that I know of). Everything about this is fucking terrifying.

Wait.  Is Dave even real?  Let’s review.

  At some point, I know my readers are going to get sick to death of hearing about this shit and I wouldn’t blame them.  Hearing about how the system truly victimizes people is unpleasant and predictably leaves those who don’t have to deal with it (yet) with the strong impression that disenfranchised people are “victims” experiencing “victimization” which is always, always read as a character flaw, or it is eventually, especially if it goes on for a long time and it often almost always does.  And this material is about as appealing to read as…idk, a book of vintage recipes where the first and second ingredients in every dish are Jello and fake mayonnaise?  Maybe.  There’s a trainwreck quality that’s hard to look away from, it’s interesting (at first) to see how all the various parts fit together (or ultimately don’t) and I suppose it’s possible to have compassion for the vintage cooks who were trying so, so hard to be resourceful and whatnot.

But eventually that person’s judgement will probably come into question and the blame will fall squarely on them if they consistently choose to participate in such insanity, in that case, preparing and serving Spaghetti-Os and sliced hot dogs suspended in savory Jello, or a canned ambrosia Yule log.  (I just watched a video of someone making a canned ambrosia Yule log from a vintage recipe, you can watch that here). Or in the case of a vulnerable person seeking benefits, choosing to consistently be relieved of their dignity and even being (seemingly) willingly neglected and abused.  The comparison is kind of a reach but what I’m getting at here is that it’s not pretty.  The things I discuss on this blog aren’t pretty.

So do I have an actual point?  Actually I have 2.  The first point I will make via another anecdote and is something I learned as a young attorney who was becoming seriously ill: I had been seeing a chiropractor/nutritionist for months to attempt to treat what was becoming unbearable chronic pain and GI issues when my health insurance company started denying his claims.  The “doctor” wasn’t being paid but I was still in disabling pain and his treatments were working.  Kind of. Until they stopped. We had to have “the discussion” which drew out our competing interests: my interest in continuing treatment without a lapse versus his interest in being consistently paid.  (Really, this is where the myth of the compassionate Western healer is always undone: the issue of money.  But that’s a post for another day.)  This discussion is never pleasant and as I learned, is absolutely meant to be ugly.

As a seasoned provider with decades of experience in the insurance game, the “doctor” calmly explained to me that part of the game is to pit the doctor and patient against each other so that they can’t provide a united front against the real enemy: the insurance company.  The goal is to have the doctor and patient part ways angry so that there is no reason to pursue an appeal and the treatment — whether it’s medically necessary or not — simply ends.  From the insurance company’s perspective, the problem (of exposure to liability) just goes away: if the doctor and patient part ways it doesn’t have to expend resources reviewing appeals and no further claims will be made, their exposure drops to zero, and they win.

Get it?  Bad guys 1, good guys 0.  And this, I think, is the dynamic playing out when people get fed up (and fired up) with hearing about what sick and disabled people go through — regular, relatively powerless people blaming and judging other regular, relatively powerless people for being “victims” instead of providing a unified front against our common enemy.  In this case, against our corporate and governmental overlords who spend billions if not trillions annually on “corporate welfare” and destructive black budget programs while reducing, eliminating or otherwise making inaccessible benefits that real people need to live in this shithole they created, not us.  And Big Medicine torturing sick people and deliberately (or leastwise predictably) making us worse.

We all have a choice, don’t we, to pick the correct side and to not fall into this deliberate trap set by the elite, to not go against our own interests, to decline the invitation to support our oppressors while undermining ourselves and our ilk, our own people.  Choose correctly.  It matters.

My second point is this.  I can only speak for myself when I say that I absolutely never wanted to be a “victim” and I spent my entire life and literally everything I had to try to ensure that didn’t happen.  I have written about that before if anyone wants to revisit that part of my journey, but what I haven’t directly said is this: once I had exhausted every resource I had accumulated over a lifetime (which wasn’t much), after I had asked everyone I knew for help and they all declined, after I had failed to cure myself of an incurable disease, I knew what was coming for me because I had spent my entire life trying to avoid it.

My experience as a benefits attorney only underscored what I already knew, which is that there is nothing there to catch most people when they fall, and there is no bottom to the abuse and neglect one will suffer, and literally endless opportunities to be victimized, once anyone, especially an unresourced, unsupported female, is no longer able to control her outcomes and sick women can no longer reliably control their outcomes.  I knew the benefits system would be inaccessible or inadequate, I knew I would be abused and neglected by doctors if I let them, I knew I could end up sick and homeless at the same time, I knew I could end up sick and homeless and raped and pregnant at the same time if there was nothing I could do to stop it, and I knew that once I got sick there was, in fact, little or nothing I could do to stop it.  I knew there would be no end to my suffering as a sick woman under capitalism and patriarchy.

I saw this coming a mile out, and to avoid that outcome I knew I didn’t want and knew I couldn’t handle (and shouldn’t be expected to) and to fulfill a lifelong promise I had made to myself to never “allow” myself to be victimized in this way, I attempted suicide.  4 times.   Four fucking times I took action against myself that was so incompatible with life that by all rights I should have died at least once if not every time but I didn’t die.  Each time I woke to this nightmare that won’t end and I had to go on, dealing with the same shit and with the same hideous constraints only even more sick and even more traumatized than I was before if that was even possible.  And it is possible, isn’t it — it is bottomless.  There is no end, there is absolutely no end to how bad this can and will get for me and for everyone in my position.

And to be clear, I started this blog after what ended up being my final (well, most recent) suicide attempt which was 2 years ago by now.  Get it?  Every single post on this blog was written after that and therefore was very nearly not written at all.  What I am documenting here, I think, is a fairly common experience that is almost always lost to time and tragedy: what it’s actually like to be this seriously, hopelessly ill, how “the system” works against sick people and sick women at every turn, and what it really looks like to have no options.  And while this surely happens all the time, every force in the universe, it seems, is working against most people actually knowing about it.  In fact, the most relateable thing I’ve ever read, the only thing that I have ever seen address these points and describe an experience nearly identical to my own was left behind by an activist/writer/seriously chronically ill woman in a suicide note.  I wrote about that woman, Anne Örtegren, and her suicide note here.  

In my own case, and this is the only reason you are hearing about it, I happened to be a seasoned researcher and writer with a specialized interest in dissecting the insane system of patriarchy, I had a preexisting platform on which to advertise this project and an audience that was open to hearing about it, and despite my best intentions and efforts, and those of everyone and everything else for that matter, where those intentions and efforts were not compatible with life, my life, I didn’t fucking die.  Not yet anyway.  I suspect that many women who experience what I and Anne Örtegren and others have experienced go down for the third and final time before anyone even hears them scream.  And if any of this sounds a little crazy to you, that’s only because it is.  It is completely, completely insane.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: oi walsh Ali: wanna go to a party where the guestlist is undesirable Ali: not in the cool way Ali: but the drinks will be aplenty Carly: u had me @ party but keep talking Ali: obviously you love when I chat you up Ali: family function but they ain't gonna force smalltalk on you w the booze, like so no fear Carly: love wen ur offering 2 take me away Carly: compliments are a beautiful bonus Carly: ur hot bro gonna b there?? Ali: easy Ali: take you somewhere better than wherever he is after if you play your cards right Ali: and someone isn't too OD'd on beer and BBQ by tonight to organise a decent shindig Carly: yea lads r sooo easy Carly: its boring Carly: showing my cards we should get some 💊 & fly through it Ali: 👌 Ali: sadly my mother refuses to address her issues so no stocked medicine cabinet here to raid Ali: I'll ask about Carly: ha Carly: mine don't Carly: I've got this Carly: show your love later Ali: 🙌 Ali: gimme her number Ali: put in the groundwork now like the overachiever I am Carly: [does give her number out] Carly: k but you love me more Ali: obviously Ali: love of my life Ali: gotta rep my manners with your ma though Carly: said as ur slipping ur 💍 off & giving some other bitch the 👀 Carly: how my da works Ali: hmm Ali: better leave her alone then Ali: don't need to repeat her mistakes Carly: if 1 person did the cabinet wouldn't be full for us Carly: let's keep one 'rent 💔 at a time Ali: smart Ali: that's why you're my bae Carly: its cos I kno how to juggle 💘 Carly: & other body parts ofc Ali: 😂 Ali: and a decent trip, hopefully 🤞 Ali: your mum's got a mixture, yeah or do I need to bring tissues Ali: or 🥊 Ali: what's the #mood Carly: whatever you want it to be baby Carly: shes got docs wrapped around her finger Carly: hers anyway Carly: mine's a woman & she refuses to flirt w her own gender Ali: k am a bit in love with her now Ali: soz Ali: clearly send her in, she'll change her tune and your prescription Carly: other than my da who isnt Carly: taught me everything I kno Carly: leave her a message she'll hit you back if you pretend to be hot lad Ali: 💔 that Carly: same I could have two mas Carly: more clothes & drugs to steal Ali: idk, my missus might reckon your da's a style icon Carly: ha Carly: she coming? Ali: nah Ali: you wanna see actual flirting w a middle-aged woman, like, she's your woman Ali: I can't Carly: on her bday she'll propose a 3way w ur ma Carly: been there Ali: 🤢 Ali: that's vile Ali: her diehard need to be more chivalrous than any man should work in my favour for once, like Carly: k Carly: tell me I'm wrong wen she's 1 year older & you ain't had to nah that Ali: bold of you to assume we won't be happily married by then, babe Ali: it ain't til feb Ali: hint hint buy me something Carly: ur married to me Carly: so you gotta say no Carly: & i kno ur a typical aquarius Carly: but I said hers you weren't listening such a hubby mood Ali: wish I could be the man you want and say I don't remember when it is Ali: but I think I do so Ali: 💔 fucking estrogen and empathy strikes again Ali: ultimate cockblock Carly: im not wrapping myself in a ribbon for her so idc when it is Ali: gutted for her Ali: when's yours then Carly: I'm a gemini girl Carly: guess Ali: ah fuck Ali: gonna have to kick it belated Ali: just means I have to go harder so enjoy Ali: hmm Ali: gonna go for 21st Carly: 😢 Carly: nope Ali: damn Ali: just wishful thinking I'd only just missed it, tbh Ali: it's June though, not May Ali: I'm positive Carly: yea Ali: I'll ask our mans Ali: shake him down for all that knowledge I'm sure he's hiding Carly: try it Carly: be funny Carly: how wrong he is Ali: counting on it Ali: how else am I stealing his girl Carly: im not his Carly: already yours Ali: 'course Ali: you seen him much since partygate Carly: just waved him out before you hit me w your invite Carly: y i said yea so fast Ali: I get it Ali: making him leave was always harder than it had any right being Ali: least he didn't invite himself Carly: he makes himself comfortable if I am or not Carly: revolving door on this caravan too so Ali: having 'nam flashbacks Ali: yikes Ali: let's not waste any more time talking 'bout exes tonight Ali: or currents Carly: did your ma let him in on her way out too or does she only like the girls ur w? Carly: aw you don't wanna talk Carly: let me apply gloss hold on Ali: safe to assume he's not coming 'cos of multiple people Ali: not just Lene Ali: 🍓 if you got it, babe Carly: & she's not coming cos of multiple ppl not just ur ma Carly: you not a 🍒 girl hm Carly: interesting Ali: she's not coming 'cos I ain't asked her Ali: awkward if my mother has taken the initiative but help the party go with a swing, I guess Ali: nah, you're a 🍓 girl Ali: too sweet for 🍒 Carly: cos you asked me i kno 😍 so cute Carly: aw you want me to taste how i naturally do Carly: even cuter Ali: be more fun Ali: invite her to my next protest or something more fitting Ali: nothing personal Carly: hey i can be loud Carly: do it all the time Ali: aw you want all her invites now? 😏 Carly: yea Carly: you want me you got me 💍 Ali: alright Ali: you're on Carly: k Ali: get ready for so many adventures Carly: 😊 Carly: wot am i wearing to this 1? Carly: gotta dress for hot bros & disapproving mas Ali: 🙄 Ali: if that's the mood you wanna go for Ali: though idk why you'd choose that over turning my head but go off, honey Carly: i can do that in what Im wearing rn Carly: gimme a challenge Ali: love the confidence Ali: my ma ain't but you will need it with my brother Carly: they all play hard to get until i get there Carly: being easy keeps it easy for them Carly: not my first bbq Ali: nah babe Ali: remember, we're ditching before it gets to that part of the evening Ali: soz to 💔 but I'll be nicer about it than he would so also welcome Carly: throw the keys in the salad bowl as soon as i get there idc Carly: no foreplay needed Ali: gotta get you outta the caravan park more, babe7 Carly: yea Carly: im walking now before he can follow me Ali: meet you halfway? Ali: will bring a crowbar if he's being that clingy Carly: ha Carly: im in the stash don't be sad Carly: ill leave you lots Ali: 👍 leave me chance to catch up too and no worries Carly: ofc Carly: 💙 Ali: you're a doll Carly: yea thats y everyone wants to fuck me Ali: nah Ali: plenty of other reasons for that though Carly: its k you dont need to list off ur compliments 1 per 💊 Carly: i feel the love Ali: you ain't saving me that many, I know 💚 Carly: aw Carly: ur so sweet Ali: nicer to my wives than my girlfriends, obvs Ali: pecking order Carly: 😊 Carly: she's still lucky to have you cos ur an angel to me Ali: you Ali: trust, no angel Ali: and that ain't some juvenile attempt at a brag there Carly: it's a flirt 😈😉 ha Carly: you wanna misbehave w me in front of your whole fam im there Ali: assuming my brother ain't up for it, obvs Carly: cant i have both Carly: what kind of bi r u Ali: one that don't like her brother's handmedowns Ali: lived that life long enough Ali: he ain't a style icon either Carly: ur first Carly: hes maybe Ali: was hoping if we skipped ronan and lene off the guestlist we could avoid the punch-up, tbh babe Carly: aw you dont wanna fight for me Carly: 💔😢 Ali: I mean my brother's girlfriend will have you Ali: only tryna protect, not kill your vibe Carly: scarier than your gf? Ali: deffo Ali: she wishes, the real threesome request that'll spell the end of it all 🙄 Carly: hes forgotten then Carly: be more fun just me & you Ali: obviously Ali: been tryna tell you but easier to prove it Carly: k Carly: ready when you are Ali: soz, forgot shoes Ali: gimme 5 Carly: ha Carly: im not wearing any & im fine Carly: you just wanna do a last mirror check for me 💙 so cute Ali: 😂 Ali: such a pisstake, you walsh Carly: part time flower child you Carly: but its k i still love you Ali: just defending why I'm being so slow Ali: obvs my 😍 weighing me down but lemme have some pride, woman Carly: ha Carly: you're my cute 🐌 Ali: now you're gonna be adorable, fucking hell Ali: you're dangerous Carly: if you cant handle me now wait til I come up Carly: 💊s are the real danger baby Ali: I'll be caught up by then Ali: might have to double-down but I can handle that, no worries Carly: they r being so slow 😢😢😢 Ali: ride it out, baby Carly: you sounded like him then Carly: except hes never called me baby ever Ali: oh dear Ali: I've gone full dickhead Ali: 😬 Ali: I'll take it down a notch Carly: no youre being sweet Carly: theres just lots of ways to trigger a fuck flashback when youre me Carly: dont change Ali: dunno if I could but glad you still wanna keep me around Carly: ofc Carly: i love you Ali: you're so pure Carly: not for years soz boo Carly: & this stash aint either Carly: such a let down 💔😢 Ali: shh Ali: we can make it work Ali: there's enough here to get crossfaded Carly: just dont hate me k Ali: why and how could I ever Ali: silly wabbit Carly: easily Carly: my phones full of Ali: you gonna fuck my girlfriend? Ali: or me and leg it Ali: neither's likely so we're all good, baby girl Carly: she scares me still even if she would have an amazing collection of giant strap ons Ali: 😂 Ali: well I can neither confirm nor deny Carly: no need its every lesbian of her kind Carly: labelled herself Ali: just don't bring up penis envy Ali: she'll lose it Ali: #freudstarteditbabe Carly: can i ask her what she'd do first if she woke up w one? Carly: fave ice breaker Ali: it is gold Ali: but save it 'cos it's just me and you remember Carly: do you wanna know my answer Ali: of course Carly: guess Carly: you owe me a right answer for my wrong bday Ali: Hmm okay Ali: would you Ali: bang as many people as humanly possible Carly: i do that anyway Ali: well you get banged, if we wanna be misogynistic about it Ali: I know what I'd do Carly: more fun with more holes tho so I'm not mad Carly: first thing I'd do is measure to see if I need to brag or exaggerate Ali: pragmatic of you Ali: hadn't even considered that Carly: wanna know if mine's bigger than the lads I've been w ofc Carly: size matters idc what small dicked lads are trying to say Ali: yeah but they're always thinking length when really Ali: girth is where it's at Carly: yea Carly: shouldve taught that in school Ali: how to measure circumference Ali: they defs did Carly: yea?? Carly: idk Ali: I'll show you Ali: on a beer can Ali: unrealistic expectation but you get the idea Carly: all my expectations r unrealistic Carly: make me cum is a stretch for most lads on site Ali: babe Ali: gonna make me 😥 Carly: youre the pure 1 aint you Carly: aw Ali: hardly Ali: saying at least I get that, like Ali: minimum Carly: your gf has some uses that arent being your ma's BFF Ali: precisely Ali: I would've been a bit kinder with it but in a nutshell Ali: what about ronan at least Carly: have you forgotten him now youve upgraded Carly: shouldnt need my review Ali: shh, he'll cry Carly: he was when i wouldnt let him stay for dinner idc Ali: poor boy 😏 Carly: one of his other girls can cook for him Carly: my ma aint there & i aint doing it Ali: he needs to just give in and marry one of his own Ali: it's what he wants, no matter what he reckons Carly: he told me he is Carly: but hes said worse for a fuck so idk Ali: rude Ali: where's my invite to mourn my loss, boy Carly: ill tell him to text you Carly: wont have lost your number Ali: got the drunk texts to prove it Ali: bless Carly: ha Carly: only answer mine tho Carly: 💍 perks Ali: only if I ain't also there with ya Carly: yea Carly: youre gonna b w me forever so Ali: I'll just tell you in person then Ali: if you tell me Ali: deal? Carly: k Carly: i feel happy Carly: 😊😊😊😊😊 Ali: you're on your way Ali: where are you, btw Carly: the longest road ever Ali: hm, tell me about it Ali: I'll run Ali: in dramatic, sexy slo-mo Carly: me too Carly: only way i run Carly: see you when we collide Ali: wifey goals Ali: won't even try and make it our lips that collide Ali: scout's honour Carly: anticipations more fun Carly: plenty of other places I can touch you first Ali: we'll pretend you meant my 💘 Carly: i did that first night @ first 👀 Ali: no lie, we'll have to think of somewhere else innocent-sounding then Ali: do some experimenting, straight girl Carly: i have Carly: i told you ready when you are Ali: I told you, dangerous Carly: only if you get caught Carly: i won't tell if you don't Carly: so good at keeping secrets Ali: I'll sort it Ali: I made vows Ali: she'll understand Carly: were just taking them seriously Carly: nobody can be mad about that Ali: deadly, like Ali: also forgot a bra, naturally and this run is killing me Carly: somewhere innocent I can touch you then Carly: god works in obvious ways Carly: like you Ali: please Ali: if I was doing it for your benefit sure I'd put one on Ali: show 'em off Carly: you kno you dont need to Carly: not your first bbq either Ali: 😏 Ali: maybe Carly: no maybe u kno Carly: & you can feel my 😍 Carly: travelling faster than my slo mo run Ali: love being your wcw, babe 😉 Carly: idk what that is Carly: but if the first letters arent wild child I'm sad Ali: that's far less straight girl so we'll go with it Ali: hope for you yet, like Carly: youre not gonna tell me what it means Ali: woman crush wednesday Ali: used exclusively by girls like Leesha and that Carly: omg i think my ma said that @ the telly the other night Carly: it wasnt wednesday Ali: feeling like hyping up Chezza whatever the night Ali: I 👀 you Carly: but youre wrong Carly: i dont have a crush on you i love you Ali: so if I need a kidney you're down Ali: but no gay shit Ali: 👌 Carly: yea cos whats mine is yours Carly: all of me Carly: so you can have anything you want Ali: good to know Ali: make a killing on the black market Carly: just tell me if youre draining me in the tub so i can have a good last nite before Carly: & stop making me beg for gay shit that's not a mood Carly: i dont do the begging its the other way round Carly: ask anyone Ali: of course Ali: I ain't an animal Ali: you don't have to beg Carly: what do you want me to say then Ali: what you want Ali: obviously Carly: find me Carly: you can do that yea Ali: easy Ali: [does 'cos how long can one road be] Carly: [most excited hug that turns into the longest hug & moment because well we know] Ali: [turns it into linking arms and walking 'fore shit gets too real here] Carly: [is just happy & loling & chatting shit which is endless compliments basically like her eyes being tiny skies & sunshine hair etc you get the idea because high af] Ali: [is listening and not dismissing it 'cos not that bitch but also knows she's high so not being like ooh lol, 'you're so pure'] Carly: [dramatically stops cos remembers suddenly that she needs to give Ali her share so does, sad & mad at herself like she's so upset she nearly forgot bless] Ali: [cups her chin like hey and tells her it's okay whilst looking in her eyes as she takes her share] Carly: [back to being smiley just like that because reassurance bitch & takes her hand & leads her along cos handholding ftw] Ali: [is happy she's happy again] Carly: [her phone is going off cos Ronan but she's ignoring cos only got eyes for Alison rn] Ali: ['you put love eggs in or?'] Carly: [talks in depth about how she's drawing the line at borrowing that kinda shit from her ma cos oversharer even when she ain't high & also throws her phone to Ali playfully like no look so we can imagine how lovely those messages are even just from the first line preview thing] Ali: [takes Carly's thumb so she can open it and reply 'cos that bitch] Carly: [is just loling even though this is such a bad idea] Ali: [schools him in a way that probably sounds familiar lbr] Carly: [then a selfie sesh cos those bitches they love themselves] Ali: [takes her sunnies off her head and puts 'em on Carly 'cos her eyes are massive/pinholed depending which way we're rocking this lol] Ali: [does a 'shh' like no one's gonna know] Carly: [you know she's keeping them sunnies forever now soz] Ali: [just swinging their arms having a gay old time] Carly: [just singing something as they going cos no stage fright when high af & her voice is nice so its a moment] Ali: [😍] Carly: [more compliments when she notices Ali is looking at her cos she's pretty af lbr] Ali: ['how many other hidden talents you got, like?'] Carly: [thinks about it way harder than the question warrants like its a hard question cos lowkey is when you don't reckon you got any skills. Says 11 cos bday clue & lucky number with a mysterious expression like but then laughs cos if she has to ever back that up awks] Ali: [lols back but squeezes her hand like don't doubt it] Carly: [looks down at her feet because actually is shoeless here 'how far?'] Ali: [gestures like 'piggyback?' but ain't that far in my mind] Carly: [accepts because always, good thing Ali is strong & Carly is skinny cos they literally the same height] Ali: [galloping about and into your function like idiots 'cos she's coming up now too] Carly: [miracle that Carly don't fall cos not holding on properly cos wants to stretch her arms out so its like a bike with no handlebars situation lol] Ali: [imagine everyone's faces lmao] Carly: [Tess scowl be like seen from space] Ali: [gets situated on the grass and is just helping herself to drinks Carly: [is just having a little dance by herself cos feeling great not soz everyone especially not soz Ro cos you wish you could babe] Ali: [at least little rock can join in] Carly: [aw the two of them dancing together like cute nerds & she's spinning him round & everything] Ali: [just ignoring all her fam's questions and being chatty af like nothing's weird 'cos high, then joining in 'cos duh more fun[ Carly: [all you can hear is Carly's laugh which is the best so deal with it fam thank you, let my sweet baby angel be happy] Ali: [when you being blatant af] Carly: [when you don't need to be touching a girl who has a girlfriend this much when you dancing in a non sexy way but you is] Ali: [defs need a sprinkler they can all be running through] Carly: [wet t-shirts ftw I see you] Ali: [is motioning like come to my room but not like that lads, just get some weed like you need it] Carly: [takes some drinks with her but the only mental image I have is when Lily in Skins with armfuls when she says keep your vagina on & I'm loling] Ali: [hey ro hey] Carly: [okay but Carly trying to talk to her & being so nice cos she's so pure & Ro being so rude] Ali: [even in her state given her all the disappointed looks like ??] Carly: [this sweet child laughing it off cos how she do but how dare you Ro, I'm mad] Ali: [going to the kitchen for food, accidental ultimate ro shade] Carly: [just following Ali cos she's never been here & don't know where she's going but quieter cos you can tell she's thinking what did I do wrong cos how her brain works] Ali: [being reassuring af] Carly: [sitting on the kitchen counter swinging her legs looking so cute with her dirty feet & drinks from the tap cos she do what she want] Ali: ['you look beautiful'] Carly: [smiles & laughs like its chill but is seriously 😳 cos who says nice things to her like this ever] Ali: [gets them and rocky ice lollies bye everyone else] Carly: [when you eating it seductively without being aware or trying to be that cos its your life] Ali: [is giggling 'cos high] Carly: [more compliments because how cute] Ali: [lays her head in her lap to 'cloudgaze' aka sneak peeks] Carly: [playing with her hair & freckles sporadically because she's soft & intimate like that, be more blatant girl, love it] Ali: [doing daisychain around her wrist 'cos bringing it back] Carly: [finally remembers there are drinks so is on that but v distracted looking at & touching Ali, oh girl same we all would] Ali: [tryna be chill but obvs into it regardless of how 'straight she is] Carly: [lies in the grass & does snow angel moves like she can flatten the grass & make one, god bless you babe, brings Ali with her so they just snuggling cos we can be this blatant] Ali: [just stroking her hair nbd] Carly: [loves it & is making it known by talking about how good it feels & throwing out compliments like its her job sorry for how gay this is everyone but she thinks Ali is the best so] Ali: [backatcha telling her how pure and sweet she is and they're just blabbing at each other] Carly: [soz k stew but this is cute] Ali: [when you wanna kiss her so bad 'cos you're high and happy and this is a mood] Carly: [I'll either save or condemn us cos she's gonna go take some more pills so they don't wear off so they could be alone if Ali goes with & she'd be dragging her along so v dangerous] Ali: [looking at themselves in the mirror and making funny faces] Carly: [& Carly just peeing cos no shame, same tbh] Ali: [but doing like war/festival style paint on each other's face with like, whatever lipstick has been left in that bathroom] Carly: [but think how close Ali would have to be to her face to do that like how has she not kissed her, applause needed honestly] Ali: [draws a lil heart on Carly's nose] Carly: [can't stop looking at herself cos loves it] Ali: [takes loads of pictures, improtu bathroom photoshoot sesh] Carly: [likewise taking loads of pics of Ali but like weird close ups cos she gaaaaaaaay & focused on the details] Ali: [posing 'cos we know she's about it lmao] Carly: [more touching of freckles like she's gonna draw something connect the dots style but just using her fingers cos they are perfect as they are & she'd say so] Ali: [not much would phase her but she would be blushing rn] Carly: [just gushing about how adorable she is endlessly like it'd be too much from anyone else] Ali: [keeps saying ILY 'cos being off your face ftw] Carly: [saying it back of course & all the terms of endearment like baby, angel etc cos that's just how she is anyway] Ali: [someone, probably Tess, banging on the door like they're desperate, we see you ma] Carly: [jumps out of her skin, again same] Ali: [hugs her protectively] Carly: [smelling her hair like a peak gay during the hug because lbr it'd smell nice, no shade or shame here, more compliments for that obvs] Ali: [going back downstairs before there's a brawl but when you ain't even phased 'cos something happening here deal fam Carly: [when you lowkey dancing your way back out cos you happy af & you find the dog on the way so you're carrying him with you & kissing & loving him & its adorable sorry bye] Ali: [and spuds such a funny looking boy lmao] Carly: [lying on the grass again spooning the dog & singing to him probably a song from when she was little & her mum cared like he a baby] Ali: [just watching and melting 'cos actually so cute, don't cry bitch lmao] Carly: [sees her & crawls over like hey, curling up with her again because the lap is a mood forever & we need to claim it from your future child for the gays] Ali: [doing teeny tiny plaits in her hair and humming the song she was just singing to the dog] Carly: [just chatting shit the whole time soz everyone else but they loving life let them be] Ali: [just getting to know each other hardcore 'cos neither of them has much time for small talk or bullshit anyway so on drugs it'd be like 1000 percent more intense, also shamelessly ignore a call and multiple texts from your actual girlfriend] Carly: [but then after all that because I'm evil & she's 'straight' let's say she makes eye contact with Fraze somehow so off she goes to flirt with him as if that's even a possibility when you know it'd just be annoying like her taking his 🚬 to try & be so cool & seductive, babe no. He's just like Ali control your girls] Ali: [is annoyed but not gonna do anything unless it got more dramatic like you deal, casually going through her phone to find a party or something] Carly: [Fraze just being such a dickhead soz Carly also knowing that's Bea's lipstick because of course he does so loling about her & Ali's impending doom] Carly: [also Ro coming out cos someone made her to 'eat' so just being super judgey such joy] Ali: [fully like fuck this like don't kill my vibe fam so walking like she just gonna go in the house but really she peacing] Ali: if ur done come back out Carly: where d u go? Ali: found us a party Carly: k Carly: [catches up to her like oh hey] Ali: [tells her it ain't far to go and starts walking] Carly: [looks down at her feet like she only just remembered she's not wearing shoes but doesn't miss a beat in keeping in step with her because being gay is more important] Carly: dont b mad @ me Ali: [looks down too and is like, we can go get shoes first if you want lol] Ali: I ain't Carly: the colours around you have changed Carly: i kno u r Ali: nah it's like Ali: hmm Ali: I'm not sure what it's like Carly: like me again Carly: [is saying sorry because always quick to that one] Ali: ['I do, you don't need to say that'] Carly: [trying to give Ali her drink as a peace offering like hmm I've done something wrong must make amends somehow] Carly: [& then more pills when she remembers she has them still] Ali: [shrugs like why not and accepts, cue Leesha and probably her 'best' friend tottering out of her house looking the most overdressed] Carly: [Carly loling because she has the whole day but these bitches taking it as a slight against their everything] Ali: [Leesha started shouting the odds 'cos mother's daughter and obvs already white girl wasted, Ali like let's just go 'cos over it] Carly: [Carly offering her pills cos change your mood babe & being looked at like she's offering poison, you've been there before Leesha I get it] Ali: [tryna lowkey drag her away before this becomes the Thing tm they want it to be for the #drama] Carly: [Carly just chatting about Ali's heroics & how sweet she is cos knight in shining armor for her forever lbr just like 😍] Ali: [loling] Carly: [Carly just out the blue like 'you should kiss her, then she'd be happier' like no babe Leesha ain't you but I love the softness of your world view] Ali: ['fully converted, are you?'] Carly: [lols but is also like 'you haven't kissed me yet' with a cute little pouty face as she walks on slightly ahead looking at the sky] Ali: ['Night still young, baby'] Carly: [clearly is buzzing about this & not hiding that 'I love you more than her' how unspecific she could mean Leesha or K stew or both, god bless] Ali: [is all 'I know' but not 'cos she's a cocky bitch lmao 'cos you're pure'] Carly: [puts her arms up like a child who wants to be picked up cos she wants Ali to carry her into the party] Ali: [does 'cos duh even if she's joking about how high maintenance she is] Carly: [snuggling into her the whole time cos she's soft] Ali: [let's hope it's not too far, probably some 20-something hippie waster's chill thing] Carly: [when you humming but using Ali's heartbeat as your basis for a tune cos gaaaaaaaaaaay] Ali: [when you're harmonizing] Carly: [#goals for real] Carly: [but then she gotta stop so she can compliment Ali again cos we know her voice is fire but Carly didn't necessarily know this] Ali: ['we should jam for real some time'] Carly: [cue her rambling stage fright reveal because like we said no time for bullshit so its just being put out there & she's like 'you'll have to sing to me'] Ali: [is like okay but silently thinking of all the ways she could help her confidence 'cos that bitch but not gonna be pushy and patronizing about it 'cos not THAT bitch] Carly: [just staring at her adorably all like 'what are you thinking about?'] Ali: ['you'] Carly: [such a big smile but also blushing 'good things?'] Ali: [just gives her a look that's like what do you think and obviously, yes] Carly: [a big hug moment and kisses her on her forehead cos where the thoughts come from] Ali: [the mess of lipstick their faces are] Carly: [they must look crazy, living for it] Ali: [good thing no one at this party will care, turn up and chatting to people and the usual] Carly: [there should be someone there for Carly to hook up with to hurt Ali's heart & reaffirm the 'straightness'] Ali: [when you can't 'cos you got a gf, gutted] Carly: [who is probably still trying to contact you cos highkey] Ali: [text her back girl, come on] Carly: [do it while your real gf is getting you a drink lol] Ali: [let's text]