#if i see the word foils used one more time in context with these two characters

[galedekarios]

i hope in about a year-ish, we are ready to talk about how bl**dw**v* is literally the any two white guys trope

[furious-rogue-stuff]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Your trully really deserve it!! So can I request 🗡🥺🐣please?

Sending u love and hugs🫶🏻🫶🏻

My dear friend! I'm sorry for the ridiculous wait on this, but I finally got around to this wonderful prompt. This is my first time writing Pero Tovar, so I hope I've done him justice.

Thanks, as always, to @just-here-for-the-moment for putting up with my ass and beta reading to make sure this wasn't complete trash and smutty enough.

Disclaimer: Written in 2nd person narrative, you can safely assume our heroine and love/lust interest is a Spanish woman, written by a Latina. Here's my philosophy on my writing, for further context.

Rating: Mature/Explicit 🔞

Word Count: 6,500+

🚨Author chooses not to include detailed warnings, but the following: Mentions of marriage, impersonating a soldier, past violence, scars and war wounds, breeding kink, graphic depictions of unprotected sex, and period-accurate tropes.

Yearn

The air outside was crisp with chill, making it all the more pressing for him to traverse the muddy road towards the small cottage. The smoke from the stone chimney signaled you’d started a fire for supper, and the twinkle of candlelight from the condensation-covered window facing outward to the road and frosty meadow beyond told him you’d intended to keep your promise from that morning.

 The gnaw of hunger had settled in from the long day of labor, but the ache behind his sternum was one of longing, one he’d been nursing since the day before, and it took precedence over any need to fill his belly. He quickly trotted the steed into the rickety barn he’d yet to get around to patching the holes in the roof of, and once the animal was stabled, he trudged determinedly up to the door of the cottage.

He entered quickly and shut the chill out behind him, dark eyes adjusting to the dim lighting once he furrowed his brow and loped towards the weathered hearth. The steps that led to the loft above, where your marital bed was housed in a snug, insulated nook, were empty, and the table was already set with bread and wine while the savory stew kept warm in the caldero tucked near the fire. Yet, no sign of you.

“…Are you aloft already, condesa?” Pero speaks firmly, so his query can be heard clearly from above. 

There is no answer, so he paces towards the steps, senses on high alert now. His instincts bellow for him to retrieve his sword from whence it’s stored, hidden in a nearby trunk, or to at least unsheathe the hidden blade he keeps on his person. He palms the handle of his dagger, tucked in its scabbard at the back of his leather belt underneath his well-worn poncho. His expression becomes stony, scar over his left eye resembling an etching, one that reveals the capacity of brutality suffered and meted out in return. 

It's the soft flutter of clothing he hears first before he sees the movement from the shadowed corner that has him pivoting and effortlessly catching you as you leapt out at him from your stealthy ambush spot – the pantry cubby you’d climbed up into and waited for the right moment to pounce. 

“Gotcha!” he growls triumphantly as he swings you around with impish delight, making you encircle your arms to hold onto his broad shoulders while you squeal mirthfully whilst your tunic skirts flutter about. “Trying to get the jump on me? Really, tigresita?!”

Not to be foiled completely, you wrap your legs around his hips and toss yourself backwards, creating a momentum that forces him to swing around until he’s able to break both your falls onto the bench you’d improvised using two bales of hay and an old tapestry draping you’d found discarded upstairs.

Pero lands with an exhaled huff, and you victoriously use his distraction to grab his thick wrists and pin his arms above his head.

“Bueno, I’ve bested the great guerrero, the most fearsome man with a blade, who said I was too noisy for my own good to ever get the drop on him, was it?” you’re gloating as you stare sultrily into his sardonic, handsome expression. “Well? Do you yield?”

“You are much too playful for me to try besting, my love, so…” Pero draws in that graveled rumble of his, musing and melodic before he suddenly bucks you off of him and rolls to pin you under him instead. “No, I do not yield.”

You scoff haughtily, arching a smug brow as you chime, “Good, because this is where I wanted to end up anyway.”

“Oh, is that right?” he husks, unable to muster the faux scowl any longer, so he smirks and croons in that bass-filled melodic murmur, one that always sets your nerve endings on fire, as he intensely stares into your eyes. “You wanted to end up on your back and underneath the tired and dirty mercenary-turned-farmhand that’s made you his wife? Well, I should hope so, mi amada.”

You smile enchantingly at him and arch your hips up into his. “It is so, mi marido,” is your silky purr as you lean up and brush your soft lips over his. 

Pero grunts approvingly and deepens the kiss, hand cupping your jaw possessively as he plunders the cup of your mouth with his voracious tongue.

Equally as possessive are your hands as they grope and cling to his thick tunic under his poncho before eagerly shoving upwards in order to tug at his undershirt in an attempt to slip beneath to touch his skin. He smells of soil, grain and leather, musky scent heightened by his salty sweat. It makes your head spin with lust, and has arousal cloying from your center. His mouth is warm, and you ache to feel his powerful and overheated body against your bare skin as he presses into you with need.

You are desperate to undress him, and he realizes how much so when you dig your heels into the back of his trousers and groan into his mouth a pleading command.

Breaking the kiss, Pero pants against your gasping mouth before grumbling, “What was that?”

“I said I want you inside me now, Pero,” you airily repeat, the tone of your demand though is softened by your excitement now that he’s pointedly ground his arousal into your tingling center. “Mmm, please—”

“Such a needy little thing, begging so,” he chuckles ruggedly, timbre hitting that octave that has desire beseechingly pulsing in the seat of your core. His dark eyes crinkle as if he can sense how aroused you are, and just as you whine for him to comply, he slips a hand between your bodies and hikes it up the front of your skirts to cup you at the haven of your thighs. “And here I thought you were simply keeping your promise to wait up for me, no matter how late my return from the merchants. But instead, you try to best me into submission so you can have me fill this warm cunt, eh?”

His fingers trace along the crest of your sex before gliding along your warm, wet seam, parting your folds just as his thumb presses into the hood of your clit. “Ah, Pero!” you whimper, hands clutching at his sides and gripping sturdy fabric as you roll your hips, seeking the plunge of his fingers into your sheath. “Please—”

He revels in how desperate you are for him, so he presses his luck by testing how far his depraved desires can muster getting you to that fine line of wanting to give into your urge to be dominated versus having dominion to ensnare him into succumbing to his own needs. 

So, he licks your plump bottom lip before grazing his teeth over it licentiously. 

At your gasp and jolt against his edging fingers where you ache for them, Pero mutters coolly, “Is that all you can say, condesa? My fierce little noblewoman-turned-warrior can’t use her words when her sweet cunt is touched?”

The way your eyes sharpen is exactly what he wanted just before he plunges two thick fingers inside you. 

You moan that glorious sound of pleasure that makes him feel like he’s touched the sun and it’s filled him with grace, and the beatific expression of rapture that comes over your lovely face has him straining in his trousers to replace his fingers with his cock. 

But, he persists in this carnal play, and coos, “Look at you, bebita. It’s almost like you’ve yearned for my touch all day—”

“Pero,” you whine when he finger-fucks you slowly while taunting you so. He chuckles at the pleading way you arch up into him, so you dig your nails into the layers until you can feel his solid torso, and hiss, “No me tortures, por favor—”

His musing hum is rich and earthy, and to your aroused senses, it’s like a warm wine hitting your bloodstream. Feeling his broad, strong frame pressed over you, and the teasing prod of his ramrod cock only heightens your need, as does the musky smell of him, the sweat that clings to his skin and the heat of his mouth grazing along your cheek now. 

Scenting your hair by nosing into the locks at your temple, Pero laconically rumbles, “I’d never torture you, sweet girl. I just want you to be mi tigresita valiente and admit you’ve been in heat for me, that you’ve been thinking unchaste thoughts all day—”

He feels your molten sheath clench around his fingers at his words, but the defiance is starting to scintillate in your eyes before you snap thinly, “And what sort of filth have you been thinking, husband?”

Pugnaciously, he smirks like a cunning tentador before husking, “Oh, this very thing. Of having my fingers in your warm cunt – making you restless and insolent, desperate to have my cock inside you instead.” 

At the indolent pump of his fingers changing to a pleasurable curl that brushes the digits against the nested pleasure point inside you, a gasped mewl falls from your mouth as you writhe up into him. 

“I thought about all the ways I’ve given you pleasure, and all the ways I still intend to give you pleasure,” he tells you in that damnable aloof way that makes you burn and melt. “Tell me one naughty little ember that’s kept you hot like this all day, esposa, and I’ll put my mouth on you until you reach bliss on my tongue.”

With a proposition like that? You are turned to clay, features heating from your blush as you confess, “I thought about you, undressed before me, and letting me worship your body with my hands and mouth before getting bare for you so you could make me yours by the fire.”

His fingers pause inside of you and he looks at you with unfettered hunger in his dark eyes. 

You expect him to shift up so he could make that fantasy a reality, but instead, he grunts – as if placated, before receding his fingers from you, crawling down your body to bunch up your skirts so he can bury his face between your thighs. 

The lascivious swipe of his tongue through your drenched folds has you gasping and hiking your knees up to make room for his broad shoulders, writhing in ecstasy as Pero devours your cunt and rubs his fingers over the hood of your pleasure point. He groans when your thighs squeeze around him, and chuckles against your mound when you bury your fingers into his hair and tug. 

The look he shoots up at you from below his brow while he nuzzles shamelessly into the heady curls above your sex makes your pulse spike with exhilaration, and when he shifts your wool-stocking-covered legs further apart for him to angle your pelvis further up to better access your honeyed cunt, you groan imploringly, “Mi amor,” and bite your trembling bottom lip.

It’s exactly what he wanted.

He is unabashed and libidinous with his mouth after he bows his head between your thighs once more, and true to his word, you’re climaxing in minutes on his tongue while you ride his rapacious appendage and grip the thick tufts of dark hair at the crown of his head with one hand whilst moaning blissfully into the back of the other.

The deliriously exquisite feeling that washes over you is divine, and you sigh softly while he laps at your climax and grunts, as if satisfied with your state of euphoria.

So, when you feel cool air between your thighs, your eyes glossily open to stare dazed up at him, confused as he looms over you and grumbles a humored, gloating hum before popping his sullied fingers into his mouth and sucking your slick orgasm off. 

He then stands from the makeshift bench and declares, “I want to eat,” before pivoting to lope unhurriedly to the wooden stool nearest the table so he can plunk down on it and scoot it closer to the fireplace to dutifully stir the stew with the ladle.

You’re flabbergasted. 

Sitting up on your elbows to gape – comically appalled – at him, you watch as he serves himself a bowl of the savory stew while trying to keep the wry grin from pulling at his full lips. He fails miserably though when he looks over at you with that droll expression on his features before he smiles behind the bowl he raises to his lips. It does little to conceal his goading amusement, and you’re glaring at him now that your wits have returned to you.

Once he’s had a few hearty sips of the flavorful meal, he gruffly drawls, “Come stay warm by the fire, mi amada.”

You decide then that two can play this game.

Straightening your tunic skirts down and squeezing your knees together, you sit on the edge of the improvised bench and start unfastening the corseted vest that keeps your tunic and smock cinched to your form.

“I am already very warm, thank you,” is your blithe lilt as you stand and shed the vest. 

Pero turns to watch you with clenched jaw as you remove the dark top tunic, leaving you now in just the green smock and a thin pale linen chemise that teases the shape and ample swell of your breasts. You can feel his eyes on you as you shimmy out of the smock next, leaving you now in just the chemise that hits just above your ankles. The glow from the fireplace hits the light linen and creates a spritely silhouette of your curvy, supple form hidden beneath, and when you hike up the hem just enough to allow you to adjust a wool stocking back up to your knee, you finally look over at him and smile.

“How is the stew?”

“…Come here.”

“Is it not to your liking, my love?”

“…Come here, mujer.”

“Do you prefer mead over wine with it?”

“…I prefer for you to cease teasing me so and come sit with me,” Pero tells you in a guttural croon as he sets his bowl aside on the table and holds his hand out to you in an assertive petition.

You feign meekness as you susurrate, “You said you wanted to eat, though. I am loath to disturb your meal—”

“Come sit on my lap and eat with me already. You’ve made your point,” he yields in a snarky huff, but the smile in his eyes is evident before they crinkle from the appeased smirk that warms his chiseled features when you slyly grin and saunter over to him. 

He swoops you into his lap before you’ve completely maneuvered around, and you scoff sassily at him as you loop your arms around his shoulders. He nuzzles into your neck and fondles his big, warm hands along your curves, making you sigh dreamily and lean into him.

“Have you eaten?”

“I was waiting for you.”

“Hm. Next time, you fill your belly first. Don’t wait on my account, ternura.”

“I will, precioso,” you retort affectionately, earning the expected eye roll and dubious snicker from him. “No seas tan gallardo, y come,” is your fussy quip as you grab his bowl, maneuver nimbly in his lap to reach for the ladle and add more stew to it before handing the bowl to him so you can grab a piece of bread and tear a chunk off to add in as well. 

He smirks broadly, so much so that his boyish dimple is unearthed from his right cheek. “No seas tan porfiada y come, condesa,” is his dashing counter, putting the bowl into your hands before grabbing the other from the table to serve himself some stew. 

You eat together, and you enjoy the warmth of his body as you remain perched on his lap while he leans his back into the wall and gorges himself. He asks where you sourced the meat that’s in the stew, and is proud when you tell him about the rabbit traps you set. You’re resourceful and smart, cunning, yet tender-hearted. It makes something warm and vast expand in his chest, having you be his, and how content you are to belong to him. 

Once the ache in his belly is quieted, he licks his lips before wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, eyeing you intensely as you sip from the shared cup of wine.

He belongs to you, too. It stirs blazing desire in him, and fills him with serenity, knowing he’s yours, and how fiercely you made it so.

The longing of before tugs at his heart now as he’s reminded of how you’d sat opposite him the evening prior, balancing the small tyke on your knee as you’d both shared dinner at the farmer’s homestead. The former soldier had settled this land years prior, married, and started a family. Winter had been fast approaching, and after a chance encounter with the man on the road, you’d both accepted the offer to board at the vacant cottage on his land, exchanging labor and help prepping for the winter for room and board. 

Pero had watched you while the farmer and his wife chattered about the foodstuffs stored earlier and the barley he’d help transport to the merchant market the following morning, how long the journey there and back would be – ‘M’afraid it’ll take up most of the day’ – all while you’d entertained the little one that had become mesmerized by your smile and the silly faces you made to amuse him. 

A heavy desire had settled in his chest, one he couldn’t place, until you’d passed the small toddler over to his mother and offered to pick up the infant that had begun to cry in its woven bassinet. Seeing you hold the wailing baby to your chest and rock it softly as you sat back down and showed the mother how to use the feeding bottle that you’d made out of an old clay pot with a spout you’d improvised in order to supplement her milk with that of the cow’s? How gentle you were once the babe was sated and you could maneuver her in your arms to make sure to burp all the gasses out of the little baby before cradling the sweet infant to sleep? 

It had suddenly awakened something in him that made him feel clumsy – out of his depth. 

He shakes the reveries off when you hum and offer the cup of wine to him. 

“Do you want more?”

His features take on that stoic look, becoming marble as he nods and takes the cup to drain it of the remaining wine. 

Thinking he’s become weary from the day now, you take the bowls to be set aside for rinsing in the makeshift dish tub you’d fabricated from an old wine barrel.

Pero watches you hesitate before setting the bowls onto the shelf near you, and then turn back towards him to ask gently, “I have clean water. Would you like me to bathe you?”

His scarred brow cocks up at you, sarcastic as he deadpans, “Would you like me to bathe? Do I smell that bad? Is my stink too odious, condesa?”

Mischievous smile lighting up your features, you feign remorse before shaking your head and chiming, “No, not at all. I happen to like your stink, anyway,” at his amused snort, you continue silkily, “I was just thinking you’d like to feel the warm water over your skin. I heated it over the fire once the stew was ready. It’s tepid now, but still nice.”

He grunts as if charmed, then nods and stands to remove the poncho from his shoulders before tossing it over with the rest of your discarded garments. You pleasantly work to maneuver the tub with the clean water across the floor closer to the hearth and end up smiling when he chivalrously comes over and picks it up for you to be set right next to the stool. 

“This is poor substitute to the bathhouse, I know—” you begin to chuckle.

“You mean the one you went into while impersonating a soldier? Or the one you snuck into to seduce me?” he counters roguishly as he removes his belt, knife, and tunic next.

“No, travieso. I was meaning the one with the eucalyptus leaves and lovely oils that they put in the bath water – from the place we stopped at in the merchant’s quarter?” you deride playfully as you soak a rag in the tepid water before wringing it out. At his sardonic grunt, you stand and turn to bossily grab the waist of his trousers before yanking at the fastening. “Now, be good, husband, and let me undress you.”

His cock has been filled out since he collapsed onto the bench with you, but at your sultry tone, it throbs in response as it stands ready, arousal outlined prominently against the inseam of his trousers. 

You take your time removing the remaining layers of clothes from his torso, then kneel at his feet in order to remove his dirt-caked boots before you finally resume stripping him of his pants.

The glow of the firelight illuminates his tan skin and the myriad of scars that map his body across contours of muscle and vast expanses of flesh. Some are old and worn smooth by time, others are silvery pale and etched, others are a darker olive and raised. He’d once been self-conscious about your gentle, appraising touches – of the doting caresses over the jagged reminders of brutality and pain that had been carved into him by steel blade, arrowhead or iron-made punctures. But now, he yearns for your touch, relishes how you brush your lips over a scar along the curve of his ribcage, and burns with pride at the reverent way you glide the wet rag to scrub the dirt and sweat from his skin. 

He's not even bashful about standing in the nude before you while you remain in your chemise.

No, instead his timidness is palliated by the new fixation crossing his mind’s eye. One that’s conjured you in a kaleidoscope fantasy, where you’re standing before him in the same chemise, but instead it is clinging to a rounded little belly while your beautiful smile broadens as you look upon him. How you would look nude and with child, the way you’d react to his erotic touch – one hand between your thighs, with the other caressing your soft womb.

Before he could get carried away with the curiosities – would she taste sweeter between her thighs, would her scent be more ripened on her warmer skin, how sensitive would she be to being touched and kissed – Pero cleared his throat and his mind as best he could in order to guardedly watch you tend to him.

“So, this is what you’d fantasized about?” he murmurs warmly as you lean back on your haunches after crouching down to rinse the rag in the tub and wring it out once more. 

The chill is warded away mostly by the fire in the hearth, but truthfully he’s so aroused by you that he’s become even more of a furnace than he is normally. You’re glad for it, loving the extra excuse to touch him and revel in his masculine scent.

“The bathing is a windfall, but yes,” you quip as you stand now so you can scrub up into his underarm and whisper conspiratorially, “Another thing I thought of? Was how gorgeous you look when your face is flushed after I suck your cock until you spill in my mouth—”

“Misericordia, mujer,” Pero exhales in a floored scoff as he pauses your scrubbing and cups his hand at your jaw in order to tilt your brazen smile up to him. “You cannot say such depraved filth to me and remain clothed,” is his raspy taunt as he crowds you against the edge of the table. Your titillated stare has him smirking as he tugs at the neckline of your chemise and orders, “Take this off. Now.”

You plop the rag down into the tub and do as you’re told, undressing before him. 

He watches you with his dark, intense eyes, shadow cast by the fireplace shrouding half of his features as you discard the chemise, then your boots, leaving you in only the wool stockings. 

You’re about to ruck one down when Pero surprises you by kneeling and doing it for you. 

“So, how was your day, aside from the erotic daydreaming?” he’s asking in that melodic baritone as he chucks the stocking over his shoulder before moving to the next one, as if his face isn’t an inch from your womanhood and his gloating stare can’t see the debauched effect he’s having on you.

“It-It was fine. I spent most of it in their root cellar, helping stock the things from the barn,” you stutter as he hums to indicate he’s listening while he tosses the other stocking aside and starts fondling his hands up your supple thighs. “With the little ones clinging at her apron, she needed help milking the cow and feeding the chickens—”

“How were the little piglets today?” he jokes, wry glance up at you clear indication he’s referring to the children rather than the actual piglets from the sow in the barn.

You playfully pinch his shoulder. “Que malo,” is your sardonic giggle before answering, “The baby was needy for milk. But she’s practically tapped after the little one has his fill, so I tried to get him to eat some porridge—”

Pero grunts musingly and brushes a sloppy, open-mouth kiss over your womb. “The little glutton is old enough to eat. La pobrecita will be malnourished if she doesn’t get enough milk,” is his aloof grumble, kissing a path up your body as he slowly stands. 

Arousal swoops into your stomach and curls tantalized tingles into your thrumming core. 

“I-I know,” is all you can breathe out as he boxes you between him and the table at your back before looming at his full height to stare hungrily at you. “H-Hopefully they can wean him s-soon—”

“You wanted me to fuck you by the fire?”

Your clench hard at that, nipples studding and desire making you wet with anticipation while his broad frame stands so close, yet so far still. You know he’s being cheeky, trying to put you off-kilter to his whims, but you’re tickled more than anything that he’d try. 

“I said I wanted you to make me yours by the fire,” you retort with a spritely look in your eyes.

“That’s the same thing, isn’t it?” he says in a contrarian drawl, lips pouting at your snickered response. “Well? How is it not?”

“Because! You can fuck anyone, but you can’t make just anyone yours,” you declare with a logical air, hands gliding up his chest now to loop around his neck so you can slink up against him and his warm, bare body.

“Hmm…makes sense, I suppose,” he judiciously replies before confidently hoisting you up.

You giggle effervescently as he carries you over to the makeshift bench, makes short work of shoving it to be closer to the hearth before laying you onto it and hitching himself between your welcoming thighs. 

Pero’s kisses are greedy as he ruts his ramrod shaft between your dripping folds, eager to slicken it in order to spear it into you and make it feel divine for you both. Your hands cling to his muscular back, mouth seeking the warmth of his own for a luscious interlude before you feel him notch the head of his cock at your dimpled entrance. 

He’s content to let you pillage his mouth with your tongue before twirling his own against it, desire a stoked fire in his center that he intends to nurture for as long and as many times he can bring you to climax before he’s overcome with his own release. 

“Por favor, mi amor, dámelo,” you supplicate in a honey-sweet tone, eyes pleading as your body clings to his strong frame. 

He can’t deny you any longer. 

His thrust has you arching, pelvis angling up and knees clutching at his sides as he fucks into you to the hilt while you moan his name and he swears in awe at how sensational this feels every time. 

“Cristo amado,” he groans as he thrusts into you again, passion boiling over in him at the way you mewl against his jaw approvingly. “Wanted this. Needed it—”

“Oh, Pero,” you exhale as he sets a pounding pace and holds you to him like you are liquid, and in danger of coming apart in his arms. “Want you all the time—”

“Yeah?” he groans, nuzzling your neck to suckle a possessive kiss into your delicate skin before he grits, “Need you, amada—”

“Tell me, husband. Mmm, tell me what you need,” you stammer out as he keeps rocking into you in that toe-curling way that has his cock grinding into the ruinous parts inside your fluttering sheath.

Ardently, he growls, “Need you—need to fill you up, keep you full of me. Want you to be mine—” 

You moan in that glorious way again, and it almost drives him over the edge, so he adjusts to loom over you so he can concentrate on your pleasure. To make you reach bliss before he lets his baser, primal desires carry him off. 

He keeps pounding into your squelching cunt as he begins suckling on your nipple while he presses the pad of his thumb over the hood of your bundled pleasure point. 

It sets you alight, and you wail in overawed pleasure as he plucks you so with his cock, fingers and mouth. “Ah, D-Dios mío—” you cry out when he sucks hard on your pebbled flesh and grinds his wanton pleasure to ignite a scintillating climax to burst free. 

You moan as your sheath squeezes around his cock and floods him with your warm orgasm, carried off by the throes of ecstasy he’s unleashed in you.

Punch-drunk from the achievement, Pero moans before he licks a path to the other nipple to toy the tip of his tongue along it until you shiver and whimper from overstimulation when he purses his lips around it. 

“Pero,” you whine airily, eyes heavy-lidded as he frees your nipple and leans up to gaze rapaciously at you. He tenderly pets your sweaty hair from your face and traces his thumb along the apple of your cheek before you sigh, “You didn’t do it.”

He frowns, trailing his thumb to your mouth, intending to caress it over your plush lips before you kiss it dotingly. “Didn’t do what?”

You exhale girlishly before cupping your hand to his cheek. “You didn’t fill me,” is your silly reply, eyes warm with mirth and smile affectionate when he grunts and scowls. “And you held back. There was something you wanted to say—”

“There was, but it…” he pauses before shaking his head and scoffing, “I’m still inside you, amada. Let’s forget it—”

“Pero Tovar, are you timid, so suddenly?” you can’t help but razz, smiling slyly at him when he gives you his intimidating glower. “Oh no, that will not work with me, marido. Your nostrils flaring crossly are cute—”

“You are a maddening woman,” he huffs in that gravelly tone, but the amusement is clear in the creasing of his eyes. “I…I have been thinking things I haven’t before. At least that I haven’t ever considered, and, they are clumsy thoughts. I—I’m unused to being unsure, ternura…”

“Unsure about…what?” you ask and lean up to lovingly gaze into his tense stare. When he hesitates, you can’t help jump to conclusions for him, knowing how reticent he is about discussing his feelings. “If it’s about things here? We could always take William up on his offer – go north to visit him in the spring? Or if you’re not content with, well, this,” you gesture to the shabby interior of the cottage, “we could ask to stay in the hut next to the barn? It’s dryer and closer to the work—”

“It’s none of that. Although I haven’t done well enough of a job in that, I know. Not found us much of a life out here…” Pero grouses, but at your frown, he amends, “This is not the life of nobleza. It’s beneath your stature—”

“Fuck my stature,” you scoff and sit up to roll your positions so you can straddle his lap while he gapes up at you. “I’ve told you plenty of times now that my station in life is for me to decide, and I’ve chosen to be happy and free, with you. Now, mi guerrero obstinado, tell me what you’re unsure of, and I shall tell you if you have cause to be unsure.”

He’s still inside you, and the way his cock throbs in your still tingling sheath while he gives you a penetrating look with those dark brown eyes tells you this is something very primordial. 

“I want to fill you up, make you full of my seed until your belly is soft and round with my child.”

Your eyes widen in surprise, but your hands caress his chest in a soothing, encouraging way that has Pero shutting his eyes and letting out the breath he’d been holding. 

“Our life is not suited for such a…we travel, and such a life would mean settling down,” he tells you firmly before opening his eyes.

He’s disarmed by the fond, radiant look softening your countenance. 

“Well, sure, we would need to settle down, but only for a brief time. Until the little one can come along with us on our travels,” you tell him as you idly undulate your pelvis, grinding his pulsing cock along your silken walls before squeezing your sheath around it for good measure while your breasts bounce from how vigorously you begin fucking yourself onto him. 

The wind begins to howl outside and seep through certain cracks in the door and window, but neither of you seem to care enough to notice as you sensually grind down on him, hair swaying with the way you lean forward to passionately kiss Pero when he groans and clutches your waist tightly, powerful fingers dimpling your flesh as he starts guiding you to ride him harder.

His breath is ragged as everything starts to spin up between you, his lust and adoration tangling around the incredulous realization that you’re in tune with the clumsy thoughts he confessed. 

Still, it scorches something feral and covetous to singe through him as he husks, “You w-want that…? You truly want to be mine—to be with child?” 

You moan and plant your palms to his warm, flexing pectorals as you ride him with desperate vigor now, expression beaming with delight. 

“There’s nothing I want more,” you declare with genuine enamored satisfaction, albeit pantingly so as you ride him and mewl in pleasure.

Pero is torn asunder by your words as much as by how exquisitely you’re riding him, and he’s so propelled to the precipice of climax and primal need to triumph in it that he effortlessly sits up and manhandles you to flip positions so he can fuck you with passionate zeal and get you there with him just as his cock swells and twitches in imminent release. 

“Mi alma, I’ll fuck my seed deep—make it so nothing spills free from you—have you filled full with it, and rejoice once a child is in your womb,” he’s professing against your jaw as he hammers his cock into your fluttering sheath while your heels dig into his lower back and your fingers knead below his shoulder blades, rapturous pleasure engulfing you with every ferally growled word, until he flings you into a blistering orgasm by moaning, “Will keep making you mine even then. Give you everything—keep you pregnant, protect you and our sweet ones—keep you forever—”

You cry out and arch up under him, rapturous sob catching in your throat as you reach a zenith of bliss that has you clinging in enthralled desperation to him, which snaps the tether of control loose from him and spurs his own fierce orgasm.

Pero moans hoarsely against your neck as he spills his climax deep, cock buried to the hilt inside you as he holds you possessively to him and hums soothingly at your loving nuzzles and whispered words of, “Te amo, precioso.”

Huskily, he rumbles, “Te amo y te adoro con todo que tengo, mi alma.”

You sigh wistfully at his words and melt further under him, reveling in the decadent bloom of warmth that diffuses through you. 

The crackling of the fire is the only other sound of consequence over the ragged, shallow breaths you’re both trying to steady into calm once more while you come down from the soul-shattering lovemaking. 

“Pero...?”

“Hm?”

“Would you still love me if I became plump and had little ones constantly hanging on my skirts?” you whisper meekly, hands languidly caressing along his sweaty back. “And if I even became shit at fighting?”

“That’s impossible, tigresita,” he laconically rumbles against your neck. At your fretful hum, he props himself up in order to loom over you and give you his steely, no-nonsense stare. “I started to love you when I thought you were an awkward, short soldadito, my love. I think it’s safe to say I’ll love every version of you to come,” is his bass-filled retort, sincere affection not dulled by the humor of his tone. 

You press your forehead to his, appeased.

He pulls out of your now tender cunt, and avidly watches his seed begin to drip in his wake, so he scoops his fingers to prevent it from spilling further, and pushes the pearly essence back into you. 

You shiver and sigh, resting a hand over your womb while you caress his shoulder with the other as you shut your eyes in the moment of blissful tranquility, post-coitus.

“I just hope I make a worthy enough father.”

You don’t mean to snort, but you do. “You will, mi amor. The real concern is whether we’ll be able to muster the stamina to work on the farm chores and fuck like this until you put a baby in me,” is your vivacious chuckle as you hook your arm around his shoulders to guide him back down to lie on top of you while he scoffs irreverently at you. 

“I have plenty of stamina, always,” he purrs against your mouth before brushing his lips against it.

“Good. I yearn to be ravished by you daily, after all, so you’ll need it,” is your alluring coo before kissing him amorously. 

You only break the kiss to bat your lashes at him before susurrating, “I want you to make me yours again and again, until dawn comes, and then all over again, precioso.” 

He chuckles that deep, gravelly laugh before crooning melodically, “As you wish, mi amada.”

_____________________________

Spanish-English Glossary:

Caldero = Cauldron, for cooking over a hot flame

Condesa = Countess; a woman of nobility

Tigresita = Tiger Lilly; little tigress

Bueno = So; also ‘Good’ or ‘Well’

Guerrero = Warrior (male)

Mi amada = My beloved (female)

Mi marido = My husband

Bebita = Little baby (female)

No me tortures, por favor = Don’t torture me, please

Mi tigresita valiente = My valient little tigress

Tentador = Tempter (male)

Esposa = Wife

Mi amor = My love

Mujer = Woman

Ternura = Tenderness; akin to saying ‘sweetheart’

Precioso = Precious (male); gorgeous one

No seas tan gallardo, y come = Don’t be so gallant and eat

No seas tan porfiada y come, condesa = Don’t be so stubborn and eat, countess

Travieso = Naughty/Mischievous boy

Misericordia, mujer - Mercy, woman

Que malo = So bad (male)

La pobrecita = The poor little thing; poor little girl

Por favor, mi amor, dámelo = Please, my love, give it to me

Cristo amado = Christ beloved

Amada = Beloved

Ah, D-Dios mío = Oh, my God

Nobleza = Nobility

Mi guerrero obstinado = My obstinate warrior 

Mi alma = My soul; passionate term of endearment that eludes to the profound love someone feels, aka to the soul

Te amo, precioso = I love you, precious boy

Te amo y te adoro con todo que tengo, mi alma = I love and I adore you with all I have, my soul

Soldadito = Little soldier (male)

Thanks for reading! Please consider leaving a comment and sharing your feedback. I would be eternally grateful.

Taglist:

@redsilentwolf28 | @just-here-for-the-moment | @mandosmistress | @sarahjkl82-blog | @knittingqueen13 | @mamacitapascal | @hylasposts | @hnt-escape | @eri16 | @gracie7209 | @casssiopeia | @athalien | @qwertymx | @rosiefridayrogersunday | @pascalesque | @maknimuk1 | @kirsteng42 | @greeneyedblondie44 | @littlemisspascal | @southotheborder | @rosegxoxo | @in-for-a-pennyx | @dolly-on-the-dotted-line | @harriedandharassed | @deadhumourist | @trickstersp8 | @pedropascalsx​ | @flowersandpotplantsandsunshine | @angstylittlepascal | @mrsparknuts

[snek-panini]

It's been a few weeks since I had new books to share, but I finally got photos taken of the newest ones so today's the day. Here, have a book:

This is Across Tides and Currents, a Good Omens siren AU by Sodium_Azide and @doorwaytoparadise (hi. I hope I tagged you right). My favorite thing about this AU is that, at its heart, it's about learning to communicate with someone who is so different from you that you can't even physically speak each other's language, and yet you've still got so much common ground that you find a way. It's way lighter and more fun than that description makes it sound, though, so go read it if that's your thing.

The cover on this is Lineco book cloth, scrapbook paper printed to look like leather, and blue foil htv. The foil was actually a nightmare to do. The first time I applied it, it wouldn't stick no matter what I did, and the bits that did stick peeled off as soon as I touched them. I had to peel them up very carefully, cut a new image, and try again. Thankfully it worked the second time but I don't know that I'll be using the foil type again unless there's no other way to get the color I want. The non-foil metallic was so much easier to work with.

More book photos under the cut!

I went with a coptic bind for this one for a few reasons. The first was that I wanted to try one on a quarto-size book to see if I could. I also wanted to try the mitered corners thing I did when I bound Strange Moons, and see if I could have the same effect on the interior. (That bit didn't work out so well; the front is fine but I mismeasured the inside and the lines didn't match up, so I trimmed some pieces of cardstock to cover that up. I really like the layered look though, so that's fine. It's quirky.) The third reason is that not long before I decided to bind this one, the authors published a new chapter after two years of no updates. That's the best possible reason to have to change plans, and the glueless bind means that if they ever do that again I can just redo the stitching to add more pages. Win-win.

Getting whimsical with title pages here. This took way longer than I thought it would, probably because I don't like graphic design and I did it in Word where I do the rest of my typesetting. Usually what I do is grab an image and put text around it or on top of it and then just play with fonts and sizes, but this time I drew the lines and then made the text follow them. This is the first time I've used the word art feature since...probably 2009? I'd forgotten how. I have no doubt there are better ways to do this but if I'd had to learn a new program at that point I'd have quit. And I do think it was worth it--it's cute and fun and looks about how I imagined it.

Couple of photos of the inside. Sorry the first one's blurry, I had someone trying to get my attention when I took these. The section break image came from rawpixel, I just made it gray instead of black so it's more subtle. The fic has very nice illustrations that I specifically got the artist's permission to print and then I failed to get any photos of them when I did my little photo shoot. They look very nice, though. I swear.

The last image is something I've started including in my latest books. I'm calling them "A Note from the Bookbinder" and it's basically just me talking about why I chose that story, the experience of reading it for the first time, stuff that's going on in the fandom, stuff about the process like the new chapter coming out as I was preparing to print. It's kind of...like marginalia? Part of fanbinding is preservation and that's linked to archival work, and something I know archivists love is marginalia and diaries. I don't like writing in my books and I've never found any fun in journaling, but sometimes that kind of context is important so I'm trying to add it. Someday, decades from now, I may not remember all the details, so I'm trying to preserve them. IDK, this got philosophical on me. Go read about mermaids now. Promise it's a good time.

[thrawns-backrest]

Vader and the Ghost Prison: thoughts and random analyses

Okay this is an itch I’ve been meaning to scratch for a WHILE now so thank you @random-user753 for giving me the final push to do it. I know this will have the tiniest of audiences but I don’t care because I love this series too much.

Anyway, here’s some of the stuff I loved about Ghost Prison in no particular order (spoilers ahead, beware):

Parallels! Boy does this book know how to do parallels. And foils. Starting with the most obvious one which is Vader and Tohm, you’d think a Vader comic would have more Vader in it but Ghost Prison does a great job of exploring Vader through other characters, especially Tohm and Trachta.

It’s rare to see Vader take someone under his wing (at least in the media I’ve seen) and it’s safe to say that Vader sees a part of himself in Tohm, if not in the more obvious scarring then in the way both of them were ‘betrayed’ by their respective communities.

The hologram scene gave us a lot in terms of narrative: it was a great peek into Anakin’s character and his crumbling relationship with the order (as well as putting into perspective just how efficient Anakin was during the Clone Wars, damn), it gave us an interesting perspective on the jedi in the form of Tohm’s pov but most importantly it set a thematic throughline that connected Tohm and Vader and gave us a better understanding of why Vader keeps this kid around.

Which makes it all the more satisfying when you realize that Tohm’s end is a forewarning for where Vader’s blind loyalty to Palpatine is leading him.

Aside from the parallels between these two, it was nice to see lingering parts of Anakin in Vader, knowing how early on he is in his transition. Part of him is still the jedi who yearns for an apprentice (which makes Tohm an odd choice but the comic was pretty adamant that this is the direction it was going, according to the blurb of part 5) but it’s clear that Palpatine’s teachings have twisted his idea of what it means to be a mentor beyond recognition.

And speaking of mentorship and foils this is a great place to talk about Trachta.

This book did a great job of fleshing out Trachta’s character, compared to his pretty flat first appearance in Empire. He’s portrayed as the better leader, starting with his attempts to connect with Tohm and ending with his galvanizing speech and advocating for the freed prisoners, to the point of coming into direct conflict with Vader. All of it neatly wrapped up by the fact that he replaces Gentis as Headmaster of the Academies.

Despite his more brutal scenes, Trachta is portrayed as a more honorable and ideological type, he knows the importance of loyalty and making allies. And the series manages to add a poetic irony to his story in Empire by supplying it with that context, making the point that guys like Trachta simply can't survive in Palpatine’s Empire.

Add to that the little winks the dialogue peppers throughout the story and it makes Trachta an all the more interesting character to follow.

(Also what was my man really doing alone with the Emperor? Do you have something to tell us sir? About a failed assassination attempt mayhaps?)

To finish off the section about parallels, we also get some cool visual ones like the dual pages of Trachta and Tohm’s backstories and little subtler moments like where Tohm stares at Gentis’ ruined face after Palpatine electrocutes him.

And now it's time I talk more about Tohm because I adore him. Making him the pov character of the story, and in particular making his report to Palpatine the story’s narration, was a masterstroke imo. Thanks to that you get all kinds of cool narrative layering when you compare his report with what’s actually happening.

Sometimes he words things in a way that would make him look good in front of Palpatine and sometimes his narrative sounds suspiciously like a lie or an excuse but the cool thing about Tohm is that you never know for sure.

It’s like there’s always an extra layer of ‘taking advantage of his situation’ that’s genuinely the case for him. Often times he will reevaluate and recontextualize the situation he’s in and maybe in some cases it’s to make him look better or cover up how he really felt but often times it’s just an example of the way he melds personal motives with some kind of tactical thinking.

And there’s of course the occasional comedic effect lol.

Moving on, another interesting subplot is seeing Tohm’s ruthlessness develop in real time. Starting with him finishing off Shens and the riot survivors and bringing the story full circle with Caul’s killing and his callousness when ordering the cadets’ executions.

It’s an ongoing process with glimpses of the person he’s leaving behind (defining the riot as just ‘violence’, his visceral reaction to carrying out Vader’s orders) and I feel like Cal’s murder was the perfect way to round it off.

Poetic in the sense that Tohm, who probably saw Gentis as a replacement father figure, was the only ‘son’ who wasn’t involved in Gentis’ plans so he took his revenge by killing the only biological son Gentis had left.

But the best part by far has to be watching him process and suffer through the betrayal that pushes him over the edge. We get that sweet sweet narrative layering effect where he twists the real reason he was left out of Gentis’ plans in his report. And it all hits harder upon a second reading when you notice the hints of a separation and inherent alienation between him and his friends, made worse by the line that confirms his loyalty to Gentis would have remained true if they had just ‘asked him yesterday’. Because all Tohm wanted was to be part of Gentis’ moffs.

It all culminates in a character who feels like he’s been led on and left out all the time. Having been disrespected and underestimated, he turns to a side that promises ‘fear and respect’ that will eventually end up killing him. It’s a great little gut punch of an arc that you can’t help but sympathize with.

And finally I’m really a sucker for this series’ attention to detail. Little things like Tohm’s loose sleeve being neatly clipped up by the end of the story. His comment about bombs being a coward’s weapon which makes sense when you learn of his backstory. The way he ‘grips’ his missing arm when he’s insecure about it. Huge kudos to Alessio and Blackman for adding those finishing touches.

As for the art, there’s really no words to describe how much I love Alessio’s work. I still want to cry because this is the only SW comic he’s illustrated fully besides a few odd covers. And that’s just damn tragic. The colors and atmosphere in this series are fantastic, full of pretty gradients with tiny pops of color and sprawling cinematic panels. Alessio’s realism is the best part of it, with familiar characters looking great and very much like their live action selves.

As one reviewer put it, it’s ‘dark without being tryhard edgy’ and I absolutely agree. Some of the environments and characters look downright gothic (with an occasional pinch of punk) and it’s the perfect touch of Star Wars weirdness that I crave in my media.

All in all, I strongly recommend this series. It's got a bit of everything: great character work, superb art and dialogue, a bit of politics, a well paced engaging plot and an interesting glimpse into the Empire's early days.

There's also the fact that all three of the main cast are characters with disabilities and it's all addressed in an an unobtrusive and realistic way and I'm here for it.

[bethhiraeth]

A literary reading of byler

so in school (and outside of it) most of the subjects I am taking and my interests are some form of literature, so I thought I'd share my thoughts on byler from a literary analysis standpoint

when you are analysing literature, it can be divided into three major buckets: narrative, aesthetics and text. Let me quickly break down what they actually mean

Narrative: This one is pretty self explanatory. It is how the overall structure of the story fits together, including plot, character arcs, and all that big picture stuff that spans the whole text.

Aesthetic features: Also sometimes called stylistic devices, they are the artistic elements that contribute to the text, often adding new meaning/emotions/ideas to it. In the case of cinema, these are pretty much everything you see on camera, like lighting, costuming, props, camera angles, etc. Often these are used to establish literary techniques such as symbolism or narrative foils.

Text: This one is also pretty obvious- it is all the words and actions of the characters. Dialogue and movement are what primary make this up. Think of it as anything in the script (or what the actors say/do if it is improvised), and any directorial choices relating to that.

What I find so interesting about byler is how it has tons of supporting evidence in all of these. What you will see with most ships that are non-canon is that they have a few bits of 'evidence' in one, or two at most, of these categories. Within the fandom, steddie is probably a good example of this. In canon they are physically positioned close to each other a lot of the time, and a lot of their shared dialogue could be read as 'flirty'/having romantic connotations, so they have the textual box checked. However, there is really no grounds for thinking it will be canon (even putting aside eddie being dead) because there is arguably nothing that could really be considered 'evidence' in either the aesthetics or narrative.

Which brings us back to byler. I am going to list a few examples of evidence supporting their endgame for each of the categories just to provide some context, but this is definitely not all of it.

Narrative

In my opinion the most conclusive evidence for byler endgame narratively is the character arcs of mike, will and el. this has been gone over many times and there are many great posts that explain this in more depth, so I won't go into detail, but all three of them have been following their own character arcs since the beginning. in essence, will's is about accepting that he is not broken/a mistake and deserves a happy ending, el's is about finding her independence from the abusive men/other people that have controlled and learning to be herself, and mike's is about realising that conforming to societal expectations is not the path to happiness. they obviously each have other sub-arcs, but imo these are the main ones that are followed throughout the whole show.

Basically what this achieves is setting up a satisfying ending for each character. And really the only way to resolve all three of these in that way is for el to be on her own, and for mike to accept that he does not conform (is queer) and for him and will to be together. that is the only way. any other ending would be wildly unsatisfying

Other evidence within the narrative includes things like tropes, eg a love triangle with childhood best friend and seemingly perfect person, and how the best friend is always the one that ends up with the protagonist.

The overall themes of the show also tie into this. Arguably the whole show is about 'freaks and outcasts', and how "forced conformity is killing the kids". therefore it doesnt make sense thematically for the one (currently) canonically gay boy to end up alone and rejected after going through his whole arc, or for one of the main characters to have nothing really defining him as an outcast if he is not queer.

Lastly, to quote that one person, who the fuck writes a slowburn rejection? It makes absolutely no sense to drag out will's feelings for so long if they are not reciprocated.

Aesthetic

This is my favourite section for byler evidence. There is just so much of it. Which is extremely interesting because in every other non-canon ship I can think of, this is the area where they fall woefully short.

The first thing that springs to mind is the queer imagery constantly associated with mike. He is repeatedly placed in front of closets, his wardrobe is s4 is almost entirely the colours of the gay flag, he is associated with rainbows, fruit, triangles and words like 'men' and 'boy', etc. These were intentional choices made on the part of the production crew.

The blue and yellow motif also deserves a mention here as well, given how prominent the association with them is in their costuming, lighting, etc. There are many aesthetic devices that are used, eg symbolism like mike's flowers to el dying in her hands, byler always being blocked together alongside other couples, using the same music in a scene with mike as they did when robin told steve she was a lesbian, I could go on.

What is so interesting about these is how intentional everything has to be, especially when there is this much of it. You don't accidentally have a light focusing only on two character's faces during an emotional scene, or dress a character in a particular colour scheme or have them looking at another character's lips. With textual and narrative features, you can fuck up or have a coincidence fairly easily, but it is an obviously deliberate choice to have a character standing in front of an open closet the first time his girlfriend tells him she loves him.

Textual

These features are the most obvious to the general audience, so often they have to be a bit more subtle.

Every scene in the show uses dialogue and/or action, so there is plenty to draw from. The 'crazy together' scene is a really good example on multiple levels. Not only is it a very emotional scene that shows mike deeply cares about will via dialogue, the line itself (crazy together) calls back to the audience's mind other scenes that establish the word 'crazy' as a stand-in for 'love', such as the jancy scene in the police station in s1.

Additionally, a very clear shot is shown of mike reaching out to grab will's hand, something that is likely to be intended to be read romantically, due to the parallels with other canon couples.

The same could be said for almost any other 'byler scene'; "cool" "cool", "we're friends", the van scene, etc. Speaking of the van scene, all the lip glances are fair game to include in this section too!

-----

The Duffer's arent stupid. They know this stuff. looking at this from a literature student standpoint, saying it is a compelling argument is a wild understatement, and I am certain any reasonable lit teacher would agree.

We are not the delusional ones. At this point, if byler isn't canon the show was written wrong. Its as simple as that

[fluffalpenguin]

⬅[Prev] Day 3: Decks

@ygoc-week Day 4: Relationships

Like Day 2, some character introductions are included for context! (Image heavy post as usual)

relationship chart at the end of the post!

1. Fleur & Jackie (VS Hamelin)

The dazzling, dangerous duo of a heiress and a hitman-for-hire! Fleur was the one that gave Jackie her name, Jacqueline, from a romance novel she had been reading at the time.

Though they look like they share a standard master and servant relationship, the two are more like equals with a directional hierarchy. Partners-in-crime, if you will...

As a research student who's always struggling to get the Tops at her school to assist her in her thesis, Hamelin hates rich people for hoarding the very historical artefacts she needs for her research. With her Magikey deck and homemade gadgets, even state-of-the-art security systems don't stand a chance!

The next day after a failed heist at Fleur (after being foiled by Jackie), she bumps into him at the college. To her horror, Jackie learns her name, and from that day on seems to have decided that the two of them are now friends. 

Jackie has no clue that Hamelin and the phantom thief are the same person, but somehow he constantly makes cryptic remarks that allude to such knowledge. It always sets off the wheel in Hammy’s head.

“Inviting me out for an outing after nightfall? Is she trying to get proof that I am the phantom thief by proving that the two of us can never be at the same place at the same time? But if I say no, then she has even more reason to suspect me! If I say yes, I’m playing right into her hands… Curses! A moth? More like a spider!”  “(... She’s been thinking for a while now… Is she trying to think up a way to gently let me down? I feel a little bad… But I’m not giving up!)” <- innocently just wants to be friends

(The girl at the back is Jackie's childhood friend and unrequited-but-actually-requited crush, Eliza*)

2. Violentshipping Fuschia/Viol

In their clash during the war, Fuschia learnt the cruel reality of the dimensional war he was so happily participating in. He was to get a taste of his own medicine, but escaped his cardboard fate when Viol heard his desperate pleas about his siblings.

I'm slowly working on the specifics of their encounter but anyway here are bingo charts for the both of them filled by each other:

3. RGB trio (Fuschia & Abel* & Viol)

Fuschia thought he'd just have to avoid Viol for the rest of life as long as he worked at LDS, but little did he know meeting up with his old schoolmate, Abel, had a surprise in store for him... Their theme song is guy.exe by superfruit

4. Abel & Viol

After Abel defected to Xyz, the two ended up being in the same refugee camp. While they knew of each other's existence, they never spoke a word to each other for the entire war, only ever enjoying each other's silent company as they ate their meals in companiable silence. It was only after the war ended when they both returned to their 'spot' as a last hurrah of sorts that they finally exchanged names.

The two look stunning no matter the state they're in, and are often mistaken to be models. While they can be found hanging out at the most fashionable cafes in Maiami on the weekend, they'll also do the strangest things together, such as going fishing in the middle of a heavy storm.

arteeeeee omggggggggggg🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟👍👍 c079x BIG CATCH ‼️🎣🐟💯yall cray crayfish fr lmao!!! aluberenjoyer who took this photo

5. Fusion Mean Girls (Fuschia + Auvria* + Abel +α)

At any given day during a school day, Fuschia and Auvria can be seen sitting at the back of the classroom doing anything but paying attention, such as painting their nails. Despite that, if you were to call on them, they'd be able to answer the question with ease. This catches the eye of a certain Obelisk Force member...

On the battlefield, the pink-headed pair often play a game to see who can collect more resistance scarves in a given time limit.

6. Arte & Alcidis

In school, the two quickly became friends over a shared interest in the field of design. While Alcie would hesitate calling Arte a friend then, the loss of her comforting presence during the war made him realise how reliant he had been on her company. During the invasion, he writes many letters (diary entries) to her, knowing that she would want to know everything that happened. He doesn't actually give them to her when she's revived, because he's let himself be very vulnerable in them.

A handy dandy chart for an overview... (Not exhaustive because it only includes my own+1 ocs)

Things I wanted to draw but didn't have the time:

sillies trio meeting and their antennas reacting to each other

jackie vs hamelin rooftop duel

hamelin conducting a field study as jackie watches

post-canon alcie and arte hanging out

fuschia jackie vibing together

and a bunch of other combinations with my friends' ocs!! keels over

➞[Next] Day 5: Swap (Coming soon!)

(Note: * = OCs owned by @shinrei017)

[arigatonamuse]

continuing with my A3! re-read, this week it was time for

Act 3 - Bad Boy Portrait (pt1)

this re-read really solidified their arc as my fave, i apologise in advance for how long this is gonna be

warnings: i will vaguely discuss violence this time around, as well as call Banri names (i show my love for him that way)

Chapter 1

aight here we go two words in and i’m already overwhelmed with feelings

i am normal about Banri Settsu i swear

can’t bring myself to press play because i am having so many feelings already

deep breaths deep breaths

this is totally not stirring any emotion inside me wdym

i don’t think i’d paid that much attention to his voice back when i first read this but whew he sounds so… dead inside when he’s narrating all this? like there’s no emotion to it but there’s some sort of… heaviness in it? that we don’t normally hear in Banri now that i know the context behind the portraits, i am trying to pay attention to (and understand) the tone because Banri’s acting this monologue out, the voice and every word are intentional so he’s most likely portraying how he felt about all this with his voice and i’m feeling things (don’t take this at face value, i’m not good at understanding tone)

ah these lines [comment redacted bc i still have got some self respect tyvm]

oh this bitch is so depressed

the way that a mention of Juza Hyodo is what changed Banri’s life but also what immediately made me perk up and smile

the way Banri makes a point to say that he’s not “buddy-buddy” with… basically anyone pre-Mankai is really telling about his own loneliness but also about his not wanting to change that loneliness

he really sounds so dead inside, more so when he’s acting out his lines of dialogue, i can’t 

“a quick hunt” is such an interesting choice of words it reveals so much about his expectations of this fight (it was gonna be quick and ofc easy) and about how he was so sure he was gonna be the winner, but also about how he’s the one seeking this whole thing out in a completely one-sided way and how this “hunt” continued into Mankai and still seeped into Banri and Juza’s early relationship

ah yes, the exchange that started my own obsession with this fucker i’d say more about this but i’d just be quoting myself here so uhhhh yeah

okay i did NOT point this out in my essay but now i’m thinking about it and his explicit use of the word alone (i’m pretty sure i heard a hitori there) is making me feel like that’s important something something the fact that he’s alone with the incapacity of understanding himself and how that means it’s harder for him to process… himself? Maybe? i don’t wanna get ahead of myself but i’m kinda connecting this to my “‘til this moment i never knew myself” pseudo essay on the impact of Juza’s portrait in Banri, he NEEDS the company and coaxing of Izumi and to see Juza’s portrait, to see his foil as he is, until Banri can finally start to figure himself out or maybe i’m just reading too much into a single word but hey, who am i if not the person who reads too much into anything and everything Banri?

the smug ass smile i just gave with Banri’s loss 

not me getting all smiley and giggly at just hearing Juza

I SHOULD NOT BE ACTING THIS SMUG AT A COUPLE LINES BUT JUST READING ABOUT HIS DEFEAT AND THOUGHTS ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL SO EXCITED BECAUSE THIS BITCH HAS NO IDEA OF WHAT’S ABOUT TO COME

yeah well what’d you expect dude? for him to keep fighting you despite not being able to move? or what else were you hoping for? the fight’s done lmao

there’s a first time for everything also no one can’t tell me that the taste of defeat is not important to Banri, not just because it led him to Mankai and blablabla we all know the rest, but because it showed to him that there was more to life, more to experience and more to live in general

yeah his obsession with beating Juza kinda proves my point… the two weeks it took him to heal he finally had something to look forward to, fucked up as it was

the way Juza’s dismissal of Banri wanting a rematch is so important and so telling for them both

god, Juza could see right through him from the start, he saw the empty, no ambitions Banri and called it as it was right away i can only imagine how much that stung Banri back then

something something, the same thing that made Banri actually feel something for once getting absolutely no reaction from Juza

they’re so narrative foils i swear

eheheheh it’s coming

Banri your obsession may be getting out of hand

thank you, Matsukawa, for forcing him in, he needed that push 

Chapter 2

oh i’d forgotten Taichi was the first one to arrive to the audition considering that he’s the only one who we don’t know how he got there (yet) should’ve been suspicious the first time around huh?

OMIMI’S HERE 

yes and it’s one of my fave nicknames in all of Mankai (<- likes repetition)

i’d forgotten how lost he acted with Kazu at first but tbh? same, Omi, i feel you

something something the wanwan duo hitting it off through their personas while not knowing the other’s putting up a front

Taichi’s reaction to Yuki roasting him is SO funny i’d forgotten how he’d immediately gone into simp mode 

it can still happen, Taichi! don’t close yourself to the possibilities lol

I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN ABOUT OMI’S EXPLANATION he sounds so unsure with the “i guess” you can tell this man still has a lot of shit to process and i’m gonna cry just at thinking about it

Izumi, Omi’s not gonna traumadump about his dead best friend during his audition

JUZA MY BELOVED HE’S HERE NOW AND I CAN’T STOP SMILING

heheh Muku recognising his cousin :3

aaaaaaah the start of Juza pushing Muku away (for what he considers to be the best) and i’m emo already ough his words sting so hard ;-; i’m so sorry Mukkun

KAZU NOTICING AND GOING TO COMFORT MUKU RIGHT AWAY

THE WAY BANRI LITERALLY HAD TO BE PUSHED IN SDKBVHDFBV boy needs a push in more than one way for him to get into this tho

Banri really had a one track mind with fighting Juza lol, all his bitching to Matsukawa stopped the second he saw him and he went right to confront him instead lol

i’m so sorry Izumi… you’re not gonna go back to not being Fight Club for a while now

that’s a way to put it, Omimi

yes, Sumi, you’re right, Juza has the prettiest triangle eyes <3

i was gonna comment on Juza and Banri fighting but if i start doing that, we’re gonna be here for like a month so i’ll only mention it when i consider it Important

Chapter 3

Misumi’s too cute

okay i said i was gonna talk about it but the fact that Juza could’ve easily just pushed Banri away but he didn’t because that’s how hard he’s avoiding fights with him, he won’t “throw the first punch” even though this asshole’s been harassing him for a while now, he could beat him just as easily as he did in the past but he doesn’t want to be that person anymore so he won’t even try and aaaaaaaaaaah

kdjsbvhsdvbd that’s a way to put it

SAKYO IS HERE

Also i love how Izumi has come to care so much about Sakyo’s love for the theatre, so much that she wouldn’t start the audition without him ;w;

god i love akigumi so much they’re MY punks

hm do you think Taichi was maybe rethinking what he had to do just by seeing who his potential troupemates were? bc i think he has reasons to be scared for real here instead of just acting inoffensive

OMI MY BELOVED he sure knows what he’s talking about, isn’t he?

hell yeah Izumi, expose Sakyo for how caring he is

awwww is the tsun feeling a bit too seen?

Omi’s tone is so neutral in the audition, one must wonder how much time and effort he’s invested in keeping his tone (and all of him) under control after… y’know so it makes sense he doesn’t really know how to use his tone to act yet, his whole act for the past couple years has been suppression 

heheh i love how easily Izumi sees through Taichi, even if she can’t put her finger to it yet

something something while Omi’s struggle comes from not putting himself out there, Taichi is now starting to try to hide the actor part of himself and struggling with keeping it hidden

Chapter 4

oh Banri really just wants to be a nuisance here, huh? he had no reason for saying he’d go first for the audition other than not letting Juza go? i’m once again reminded of the anime, where we see Banri volunteering as the leader as soon as he sees Juza hesitate to volunteer himself

i hate him so much i hate him i hate him i hate him why is he like this (i would’ve acted out the dialogue with the same intonation, pauses and additions like laughter)

why, thank you, Izumi

huh this line right here… i’m now thinking about Fallen Blood and how Banri’s acting is explored and approached there

oh Juza… my beloved daikon Juza… i’m so emo hearing his acting here, he’s come so far and worked so hard and aaaaaaaaah ;w;

Banri fuck off

and there’s the passion and determination that make Juza the heart of akigumi

Juza’s so fucking lovely, he’s so earnest in his plea tbh that alone makes him one of the best candidates to be part of the troupe

THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING! THANK YOU IZUMI!

Sakyo saying exactly what was on my mind

i’m so sorry, Izumi

Sakyo sounds SO SOFT during his audition reading thingie ;w; i’m now thinking about how this is how he’d probs talk to his real mum and aaaaaah

Yuki, need i remind you that one of your troupemates literally broke into and squatted at your dorm AND has stolen government property?

i think one of the reasons that i am not as annoyed with Banri as i was with Tenma is that Juza can and does dish back and he can hold his own while, say, Muku just crumbles

thank you, da- i mean Sakyo

Chapter 5

i’m sorry, i know that he’s an annoying little shit at this point but i can’t help but laugh at how utterly obsessed Banri is with Juza at this point

huh i just realised we never really got a followup or a call to the parents for Banri, Juza or Taichi’s stay at the dorms it kinda makes sense with Banri given… y’know, how his family is, but now i feel robbed of hearing and reading a call with Mama Hyodo

yeah i’m not even gonna stop myself at this point, Sakyo’s such a dad, and he cares for the theatre so much and wants to help so bad he’s too cute

Omi eldest daughter syndrome?

good on you, Omi, you shouldn’t spend all your life looking after others (and yes this means at Mankai too)

Sakyo writing history right here

i’m sorry i keep smiling to myself at all the Juza-Banri bickering bc reading these makes me so nostalgic ;w;

Omimi so respectful (but also this makes me double down on him having eldest daughter syndrome)

heheh Sakyo is too cute

AAAAAAAAAAAAANIIIIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Sakoda my beloved

i love him so much he’s so puppy

ngl i know Omi and Taichi rooming together was a “by default thing” but with how much that arrangement’s done for the two of them it kinda feels like it was meant to be

Chapter 6

heheh the start of Omi being the cook at Mankai Omi my dear, just last chapter you were talking about how he didn’t want his family to need his looking after them all the time and now you’re adding to your responsibilities in this new place

huh i’d forgotten that Juza was the one to initiate their conversation at room 104

honestly Juza’s approach to this makes it noticeable how much he respects theatre as an art, even before he ever stepped foot on the stage as an actor himself he’s annoyed at Banri following him around, yeah, but that much he can manage and ignore but joining the troupe with no interest? that’s where he finally confronts Banri

Banri’s reasoning is so funny ngl like my dude if you don’t give a shit at theatre what satisfaction are you gonna get from winning at it? is your ego really that delicate that a random win at something you don’t care about will heal having been defeated in a fight? come on

also the way Banri deflected the questions and made them about insulting Juza? this boy is a mess who’s scared of being vulnerable in any way and, once again, it shows that not even he knows what he’s thinking

oh the localisation team sure knew what they were doing here

i love Juza so much everything he says and does makes me smile like a fool bestest boy

Omi’s smile-sweat expression hurts me when he sees Banri and Juza fighting and i don’t think i understand why, not entirely at least

the way Omi just walks in and restrains Juza like it’s no big deal I’m curious about this because yeah, he was with the Wolves and all but they disbanded years ago so can he do this while being rusty? or did he somehow keep himself fighting / training?

also i find it super interesting that he restrains Juza out of the two did he somehow know that Juza was the strongest out of the two / the one who could cause more damage? or maybe he’s seen their interactions enough to know that Banri just does shit to rile Juza up so if he restrains Juza then Banri won’t be that interested in fighting at the moment? idk but i think about it often

also the fact that… yeah Banri did not have any interest in fighting Juza while restrained He did try to fight Omi for restraining Juza but not Juza himself, which is honestly so interesting to me he wants to beat Juza, yeah, but he wants it to be a real victory because that’s what his bruised ego needs (and also, maybe subconsciously, the emotions/excitement he’s been craving) which brings me back to the point of him beating Juza at theatre not being that meaningful, not yet anyway, what he craves is something that he will not get if things remain as they are

Taichi trying to drag Banri away is so cute and funny

THE ATTITUDES AFTER THE FIGHT ARE SO DIFFERENT I WANNA SCREAM

Juza is so ashamed for doing what he did while Banri craves more fight

this is SUCH a gesture of trust and now i’m having so many Juza thoughts

the way Juza can trust Omi when they’ve known each other for so little shows how ready Juza is to commit to his troupe, and also how he tends to see the good in people despite having been ostracised and hurt… basically through all of his life also him ASKING for help shows how humble he is and how he knows where he isn’t doing that well and wants to work towards improving in those areas, he’s not afraid of showing said vulnerability to someone he met a couple hours ago and who literally just restrained his wrists and aaaaaaah something something Omi proving that he could’ve hurt Juza yet Juza trusting him with this but also trusting him not to hurt him and aaaaaaaah

and here we see Omi starting to see Nachi in Juza ;w;

oughhhh the fact that Izumi assumes that Sakyo knows more about her father than herself hurts so bad

Chapter 7

oh okay we’re here already… cool just let me get some tissues real quick

i’m too scared to press play i know this is gonna hurt like a bitch

deep breaths (is 8 words into the portrait)

his opening words are brilliant and i don’t think i appreciated it enough on the first read this is a self portrait, he’s showing who he is to the audience, but he starts what’s meant to be a self introduction by saying he wishes he wasn’t himself, and that already says so much about who he IS, about his self-loathing and about the work he’s put into the portrait itself and into himself as an actor yeah, he wishes he was someone else, but he’s now starting to accept himself as he is, enough to admit these things out loud

something something we are taught to hate ourselves for our differences

the world has been so unkind to Juza and THAT’S why he wishes he was someone else, not because he didn’t like who he was (at the start at least), but because others didn’t and that led him to the fighting that now make him resent himself

i need Juza to read Frankenstein so bad i know it’d resonate with him in his soul

also i’m gonna fight his teachers like wtf what problem did they have

Juza’s story is so heartbreaking he was literally just a kid trying to exist and people had a problem with it? and began picking fights with him? and while i’d like to say that that’s an odd thing to do… is that not what every single school bully does? picks up when someone is different and then makes their life hell for it and i think its closeness to reality is one of the things that makes it so heartbreaking Juza’s just a bullied kid who fought back and got a(n even worse) reputation from it

Juza seeing theatre as salvation from… being himself will always hurt, bc what he needed to do was accept himself (and THAT’S what he learns when putting himself out on stage but y’know, not yet)

honestly i hate Juza’s teachers

i’m so glad he didn’t give up on theatre after what happened in middle school tho

oh i had NOT taken in this line in completely the first time around, but it sure does support my point Muku didn’t become someone else, he just grew more confident in himself as a person and as an actor, he’s enjoying himself with friends who know and accept him as he is and that’s why he’s “completely at ease with himself” maybe Juza knows in some degree that that’s what he wants too, bc i don’t see why he’d use those words otherwise

okay yeah at this point he DOES know that he doesn’t want to be someone else, not really

and then, after this, we go back to the self loathing sobs

I love that we see the pieces for his character development there, but they haven’t yet clicked together, there’s still work to do and it’s something that takes him a lot of time, and i love how real that feels

he says he wants to come out of his shell but he also says he wants to be someone else, anyone else and i think that’s such a complex and interesting struggle

i’m so emo about Juza Hyodo

also i have more thoughts but i don’t wanna be redundant so i’m just gonna link y’all to a lil something i’d already written about Juza’s portrait (in the anime):

screaming Juza really works so hard

Muku trying to approach Juza again ;w; and Juza not knowing how to react to that ;w;

i’m not ready for what comes next

I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN

even when i know this scene by heart it hurts me so much and both of them having it as fuel for their own self loathing makes it so much worse

sobbing sobbing so much

JUZA LOVES HIS FAMILY SO MUCH AND HE JUST WANTS THE BEST FOR THEM BUT HE DOESN’T CONSIDER HIS PRESENCE IN THEIR LIVES TO BE PART OF “THE BEST” AND I’M SO EMO

Juza my beloved, you’re ALREADY someone people should be proud of, and i’m so sorry that you can’t see it yet

Chapter 8

Banri trying to pick a fight over him and Juza choosing where to sit is so funny to me

Omi and Taichi taking separating Banri and Juza as their personal task is also so funny

huh Taichi could’ve just… not helped… he could’ve pretended to be scared or something and not helped, which would make things worse overall for the troupe which… was his goal yet he helped and now that has a whole other meaning for me

heheheh i love this part so much

Sakoda is so proud of both Sakyo’s idea and his work, it’s too cute

hmm

evhbhbcksd Matsukawa why are you like this

eheheheheh Syu-san hi~

Sakyo cares so much about this troupe, really, he has thought so much about… well everything

huh so Yukio disappeared either when Izumi was in middle school or in her first year of high school?

Chapter 9

KAMEBUNS

ksdbvhbdf Sakyo’s reaction is hilarious

kdbevhfdbvfd Kamekichi you drama queen

JUZA BELOVED i’m smiling so wide he’s so cute

Banri you have absolutely no right to say this

ngl i’m kinda curious about how exactly those taste but also i know myself and i know i wouldn’t be able to stand the sweetness

Juza’s so unbothered by everything going on around him and just enjoying his kamebuns, it’s cute

Juza you don’t have to lie about you liking sweets ;-; 

oh Omi’s such a little shit for this i love it

huh Banri could see through Juza here interesting

SAKYO YOU’RE 30 YOU STILL HAVE SO MUCH OF YOUR LIFE AHEAD OF YOU 

OH FUCK JUZA’S HESITATION IN THE ANIME IS ALSO HERE? JUST NOT AS EXPLICIT?

Banri’s such a nuisance

AND IZUMI CONSIDERED JUZA TOO SHE SAID HE WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE EVEN AFTER BANRI STEPPED UP 

huh even when Izumi looks at him to give him the chance, he doesn’t take it i’d forgotten about this, this makes Banri becoming leader a bit less infuriating (i am not actually infuriated)

also ngl while he is the heart of akigumi, Juza’s self doubt would have been a problem for his leading, at this point of the story he’s not ready to lead a team, so despite everything… Banri WAS the better choice, huh?

see, i wanna bitch about Banri’s behaviour because it IS annoying and he’s a brat but anything i write ends up sounding / feeling insinceres so just know i’m annoyed at him

i love how Sakyo sensed Izumi’s hesitation and explained his reasoning to her heh

oh Izumi you have no idea just how much

Chapter 10

sobbing about Juza turning down the offers from Taichi and Tenma just because he doesn’t want those two to have their reputations affected by his own

i’d say something about Banri skipping but honestly i can’t fault him for it, being in classes where you already understand everything is boring and unnecessary as hell, might as well spend that time in better things (i had a rant here about the school system but that’s a rant for another day)

i’m sigh-laughing and shaking my head with a smile on my face at Banri’s explanations

OH THE TARUCHI NEO REVEAL WAS HERE?

it’s been done before and it’ll be done again, Izumi, it’s really not that big of a deal

sorry Izumi, but i’m with Banri in this one

still, i AM looking forward for the verbal beating Sakyo’s about to give him

hell yeah you tell him Sakyo

i have talked about this somewhere (maybe in my Banri Essay? But i’m not sure) but it’s so telling how Banri doesn’t say anything back to Sakyo because he KNOWS he’s right, he can’t say anything because there’s nothing he can say in his defence and it’s only after Sakyo leaves that he bitches about it but still doesn’t contradict him or anything 

honestly if i was Banri i’d just walk out the door and then go somewhere else to chill lmao (totally not talking from experience or anything wdym)

you hit the nail, Izumi

Chapter 11

sighing at Banri

heheh i love that Izumi gives Juza some special treatment, it’s what he deserves <3 she sees his passion and determination and she will recognise that as it should be

periodic reminder that Tsuzuru writes RPF

GAMER BOYS! i love that they include Citron in this scene, he deserves to be recognised as part of the gamer group ;w;

Omi taking care of the food for the first time holy shit

also something something Sakyo saying he will eat whatever because he doesn’t wanna be a burden, neither financially nor in terms of doing things for him

aww Sakyo so mean! you just said you’d eat whatever! why not curry!

Omi and Juza being the first ones to be on alert and worry about Tsuzuru older siblings behaviour

now that i’m saying it… isn’t all of (act 1) autumn troupe older brothers except for Banri?

“just passed out” guys come on, this is not normal 

as a Spanish golder century lit nerd, i will forever be upset about the localisation taking away the word “picaresque” from the title

huh i’d forgotten that Itaru offered to carry Tsuzuru to his room first he’s got to have some strength for that

why is Citron so cute ;w;

A3!EN Iconic line right here

TSUZURU’S POWERS DRIVE ME CRAZY SERIOUSLY

what was that again, Banri? something’s a “tall order” for you? huh

heheheh handcuffs incoming 

sdkbvhdfbv i love how cryptic they are about the handcuffs in the dialogue

Chapter 12

this is the second chapter in this ep names after a song (that i know) and now i’m curious

i love this CG so much i’ve been just staring at it for a couple minutes now

i’m obsessed with this chapter you guys don’t understand i know the dialogue by heart

Sumi and Kazu just commenting on the handcuff situation is so funny

Kazu so helpful <3 do you think he offered to help (at least in part) because he's scared of conflict and he saw one incoming and decided to try to avoid that?

Sumi baby… that’s not how that works he’s so cute and he’s just following Kazu’s example but it’s so funny

CHASE SCENE

i can’t stop smiling i love this chapter

Juza just jumping into action to help at any moment is so important to me

heheh they’re working together now~

i actually hadn’t paid attention to the details in this part but for once, Banri’s leading and communicating his plans, and Juza follows along because he knows they both have the same goal in mind and he is actually trusting Banri to take them there and idk that’s actually so cool to me? it’s not just that they bonded over beating that rando up, they were already working together since before they did

heheh i’m so excited for what’s coming

Banri’s so smug his smile is contagious

Banri’s so happy he finally gets to fight

honestly knowing how he is (was) with fights, this must be the most excitement he’s been feeling in a while and the fact that he has someone to share that moment with may make it better for him, given how lonely he usually is so what i’m saying is that now he has two instances in which Banri’s feeling something that’s possibly new and exciting, and both are tied to Juza fucking Hyodo

okay so they didn’t quite kill that guy, cool, i’d forgotten about that

also i think this is the first time that Juza gets praised and thanked for… this part of himself, and maybe the first time where he sees it being good for those around him right away and i’m emo now

“ONE OF MY OWN” i am feeling so very normal about this line, i’m not crying about Juza being an extremely group oriented and protective guy, i’m not crying about Juza finally having a place for himself and him protecting it however he can

and then he gets so shy and flustered at Izumi acknowledging his words i love him

i love how in sync Banri and Juza are when it comes to playfully lying about what they did to the dude it’s so funny

Sakyo so protective and caring too

[quietbluejay]

Talon of Horus/Black Legion

Once again these were initial thoughts, not detailed, I may currently disagree with some of the conclusions I came to, or disagree upon reread, was not reading with the same level of scrutiny I do when I live commentate.

‘I will call you Thoth,’ I tell him. He offers no response to this courtesy. I inform him it was the name of an ancient and renowned Prosperine scribe. He doesn’t reply. Imagine my disappointment.

I'm on page 2 and Khayon is not disappointing

In the long years before the Battle of Canticle City, I knew no fear because I had nothing to lose. Everything I’d treasured was dust at the mercy of history’s winds. Every truth I’d fought for was now nothing more than idle philosophy – spoken by exiles, whispered to ghosts. None of this angered me, nor was I victim to any special melancholy. I’d learned over the centuries that only a fool tried to fight fate.

man what a difference from Ahriman these are two completely different series by two different authors but i'm really wondering if they're being set up as foils okay, yeah, new blorbo detected

‘Come to us, Khayon.’ I wasn’t sure I could deal with such a meeting, just then. ‘I cannot. Ashur-Kai needs me.’ ‘We are recording tonal signifiers suggesting deception in your reply, Khayon.’ ‘That is because I am lying to you.’

some additional context is he just woke up from a nightmare about the time his home got razed and he got 3 hours sleep so like if there's ever a time to be nope im not doing this meeting with the computer that sort of used to be my sister and is using her body he does end up going to see her

at this point in my warhammer reading im really understanding why people write coffeeshop aus

I felt a headache threatening. The temptation burned to simply reach into the others’ minds and converse in wordless communion. I had been around my mindless Rubricae kindred for too long, exercising my psychic control on those who had no right to resist. Speaking to others in actual discussion required more patience than I was used to.

Khayon is a WFH mood

khayon also being the voice of reason, kinda also man i love how the trauma of the burning of Prospero is like that one post on tumblr it's literally a physical force in the warp but also it's haunting the psyche of the surviving Thousand Sons

gold. It was scared. Scared of us. Truly, it had come in a harmless guise only to be met with murder. This was no incarnation of the Emperor’s might. It was nothing more than the desperate last gasp of a dying man.

congrats ADB you managed to successfully make me feel bad for the Emperor (there was some other stuff in this scene as well)

oh yeah Lheor has consistently been best boy he is also blorbo

…walked right into Lheor’s fist. It cracked against my faceplate hard enough to stagger me and scramble the visual feed running across my eye lenses. I had to pull off my helmet, breathing in the stale, recycled air of the Tlaloc’s bridge, spiced by sweat. ‘That’s for lying to me,’ said the World Eater. ‘It was nothing like teleportation.’

and

‘The only difference between them and us is that their daemons are literal,’ Lheor said. ‘They don’t pine over burned home worlds or lose themselves to pain engines latching on to their brain meat.’ Here he paused, tapping his dirty, armoured fingertips on his metal teeth. ‘Falkus is still Falkus, no matter what else is in his body.’

and

Lheor endured my glances for a while, then growled again. ‘Speak what’s on your mind, Khayon, or look elsewhere.’ ‘It is nothing,’ I told him. ‘You are just… alive.’ At first I thought he would laugh, taking my words as meaningless sentimentality. Perhaps he wouldn’t understand, or not care. Instead, Lheor looked at me for several long seconds, and then nodded. Just a nod. No more, no less. Despite everything we would go through together in the years to come, I do not believe I ever appreciated his presence by my side as much as in that moment. The power of simple brotherly understanding.

and

The refreshment [Abaddon] offered turned out to be a clear spirit that left a faint burn on the back of the tongue. I am being generous when I say it had the raw chemical taste of engine coolant. This ‘beverage’ came from a barrel with warnings of acidic toxicity, poured into flasks of twisted white metal. I had the uncomfortable feeling that Abaddon was actually making an effort to be hospitable. Telemachon refused to touch the liquid. I took a flask out of courtesy. ‘This is good,’ Lheor said as he drank the clear liquid. ‘My thanks, captain.’ I let my senses brush over Lheor’s mind, curiosity forcing me to seek any sign of deception. Unbelievably, the World Eater was telling the truth. He liked it.

and

Lheor made the same leap of logic in the very same moment. He swore in Nagrakali, calling my parentage into question. ‘You were right,’ he said at the end of his maternally offensive tirade. ‘That thing’s the size of…’ he trailed off. ‘Something huge.’

ok i should stop here or i'll be quoting all the lheor bits

Abaddon and tapped a thumb beneath one of his own eyes. ‘Yes,’ said the former First Captain. ‘Show them.’ Sargon closed his bright eyes and held his arms to the sides in imitation of the Catherics’ crucified god.

Sargon T posing to assert dominance Sargon is also baby face lol I saw him described as "basically the Hellsing catboy" and that's not inaccurate

ohhhhhh I GET IT poetic cinema of course he controls the Ragged Knight created from the souls of those who were betrayed and burned by the people who were supposed to be their protectors/fellows

‘I am Iskandar Khayon, born of the world you are murdering. And I am no traitor.’ ‘Save your lies for the black spirits that heed them, sorcerer.’ He comes closer, smelling my weakness. This will be an execution, not a duel. Above us, the sky chokes on the blackness of the burning city. Bolters are a distant, unending staccato. Pyramids that have stood proudly for thousands of years are shattered and brought down by self-righteous barbarians. Now this warlord comes to me, spitting misguided madness at me under the guise of righteous judgement.

‘I. Am not. A traitor.’

vs the description of the Ragged Knight

Albajensia, the fortress of the Karthur heretics, falls at dawn. The sword-bearing knights lead their holy warriors into the city, and with all their sins forgiven even before they are committed, the crusaders show no mercy. The heretics numbered no more than a few hundred, yet the whole city burns. Men, women, children… all butchered on the knights’ blessed blades. But what of the blameless masses? What of the children who know nothing of their parents’ heresy? What of the thousands of loyal, devout souls who have broken no laws, and do not deserve death?

...

And thus, the city burns. An innocent population is wiped from the face of the world by the blades that should have defended them. Like every emotion and deed, this slaughter is reflected in the Sea of Souls. The hate, the fear, the rage and bitter sense of betrayal – all of it curdles behind the veil. Few things feed the warp as sweetly as war, and few wars hold the same rancid symbolism as those declared by the strong against the weak they are sworn to protect. Such slaughter gives birth to daemons within the empyrean. Countless mewling terrors born from individual moments of suffering and bloodlust. Above them, more powerful entities also swirl into existence: one born from a blaze, deliberately started, that claims a dozen lives at once; another arising from a mother’s abject horror at seeing her children spitted upon the lances of those she’d believed to be her noble and holy protectors. These acts, and thousands more like them, breed the Neverborn in the hell beyond reality’s veil.

and that was all I had on Talon of Horus

for Black Legion, well:

wheeze wheeze wheeze I'm reading the Black Legion book and Abaddon is currently strangling Khayon and telling him he lacks hatred how did this turn into Naruto

also lmaooo abaddon: you don't hate the emperor enough. do you think he was right to tell you not to learn the secrets of the warp khayon internally: uhhhhh yeah actually that was probably a good idea

i can't believe khayon put up with this for ten thousand years well okay he does say the line about time being screwy in the Eye of Terror I guess and that not as much time passed there but still it was years

abaddon's been kind of a bad boss but this is the first time it's escalated this far and also like it's expecting me to believe that abaddon is the guy with the iron will who managed to run herd on all these wacky stupid evil dudes enough to do 13 black crusades and also be inspiring enough to his inner circle i guess khayon is just desperate for anyone to follow and all his bridges have been burned for him he needs to go in whatever the happy pear wiggler is, same as ahriman it's like a pear wiggler but with healing

local war criminal needs a hug and also to get out of this situation which is making him worse i feel like khayon is actually capable of positive change as opposed to ahriman who is just going to keep running down that slippery slope with his hands over his ears yelling lalalala

literally like everyone calls him out and he's like "okay but i just need to do one more thing and then it'll work" "and i can die" which honestly has hit the point for me that's it depressingly repetitive and I'm not really enjoying the further adventures of Ahriman and didn't buy the last book i suspect i will have similar feelings re the black legion novels after i finish this one though the third one isn't out yet i have a villain protagonist threshold

i get that they have to be "yeah these are the bad guys who actually do bad things" but the vore scene + the whole thing about how exactly they kept that one guy alive were a bit much for me for Black Legion at least, that was pretty early on in this book like i get it, "what are you expecting reading wh40k books" but the first book in both the ahriman series and the black legion series were both a lot lower on the personal villainy scale well okay Khayon did straight up rewrite that guy's brain so he only had sensation when he was in proximity to Khayon, that was pretty dire, but it was much less casually treated? I think actually that might be part of the point of this series, that the Black Legion is ending up being like this and getting dragged down further by Chaos despite everything in Talon of Horus

i will say i am loving the paralleling of the black templars and black legion sigismund/abaddon being mirrors

while i was out I realized that huh, Astraeos and Khayon have some very similar beats in their character arcs as in they both become renegades/traitors for something that wasn't their fault, and have no choice but to leave and go on the fringes and then deal with gradually getting dragged further and further down morally because it's their best hope, and it's that or die and the people they care about and were fighting for also slowly getting consumed and being sacrificed

okay i finished Black Legion ow that hurt

like Khayon's personal relationships were one of the best parts of the first book and really helped humanize him and then in Black Legion it's just either watching him become distanced from them or him having to sacrifice/kill them especially given the whole thing in the first book was him missing having a brotherhood anyways i think i might be getting a little burned out on tragedy time for something lighter like Heaven's Feel

okay, more notes from this if i had a nickel for every time the viewpoint character in a Thousand Son novel was forced to kneel and act like a slave by a creepy dude with bad teeth and general hygiene i'd have two nickels which isn't a lot but why DID two different authors do this there was a sad lack of lheor which tied into the earlier stuff i mentioned we did get this though

‘So the matter of my fury is something he discusses with you all? Does Abaddon speak of your failings as freely as he speaks of mine?’ That stopped their duel. Both of my brothers looked to me, and Lheor laughed with typically toothy malice. ‘You realise that while you’re away on your endless hunts, we have better things to do than discuss you? Some of us have wars to fight, Khayon. You can earn Abaddon’s favour by cutting a few throats. The rest of us lead armies into battle.’ Lheor raised his blade again, beckoning to Amurael to continue the fight. ‘Besides,’ he added, ‘I have no failings.’

but yeah, then later Khayon used Lheor's hated nickname because it's a reference to the worst moment of his life and it's like the back and forth between them in the first book felt like genuine friendship? but in this book it's definitely morphed into something…not so much

Note from the future: I think ADB is really good at writing sympathetic/understandable bad people as they get worse, he writes some very realistic gradual slippage, it's not the culmination of a grand tragedy, it's just...there, as they fall further into Chaos. It's good writing but it's not necessarily fun to read haha.

[annabellelux]

Favorite Books of 2022📚

I had so much fun doing this for 2021–so I’m back at it with a list of my favorite books of 2022!

I’m not going to lie to you, I didn’t have a great reading year. I read significantly less than last year and a lot more mindless books since this year I was overwhelmed with graduating law school, taking (and passing!!!) the bar exam, and starting a full time job at a busy (but amazing) law firm. BUT I did find some diamonds in the rough:

Without further ado, the 5 books I read this year that I would ABSOLUTELY recommend under the cut:

5. The Kind Worth Killing by Peter Swanson

a bunch of sociopaths cross paths and the result is lots of murder

the characters were all amoral and all SO INTERESTING

i weirdly have a crush on the MC. i want whatever she wants, even if that’s blood on her hands. like i don’t care how many people she’s killed she’s hot 

lots of twists and turns you don’t see coming. the one halfway through the book absolutely FLOORED me 

lots of really good Plotting from literally every character

the improbability of some of the coincidences is made real by the authenticity of the characters. like (hopefully) no one actually relates to them but you get them and why they’re so amoral 

the last line took my breath away

read when you wanna believe you could get away with murder 

4. The Undertaking of Hart and Mercy by Megan Bannen

fantasy You’ve Got Mail with a sunshine undertaker and a grumpy demi-god 

enemies to lovers!!! you know that I’m always here for that 

Hart is so fucking morose that I physically cannot. King of angst. He’s so lonely and prickly but also a sweetheart 

Mercy has got true eldest daughter syndrome and I, for one, get it 

the relationship progression was perfection!!! the book keeps the tension really really well 

the cafe scene was so heart-breaking. you will get that lurching feeling in your gut when you read it

I actually loved all the side plots. there’s a LOT going on in this book but it all weaves together really well 

there’s this interesting juxtaposition between a kinda terrifying world and the mundane reality of small-town life. it’s weirdly heavy and light-hearted at the same time??? 

this book is doing a lot but i loved everything it did 

read when you want your small town romance to have a bit of blood & magic in it

3. Delilah Green Doesn’t Care by Ashley Herring Blake

two women pretend casual will work for them. however, they are absolutely useless sapphics. so you know where this is going

Delilah is honestly a whole fucking mood. queen of peaking AFTER high school 

Claire is a sweet angel. I would have fallen in love with her too tbh

honestly i would kill for Delilah’s experience of having her step-sister (who she hates)’s best friend unknowingly hitting on her in the bar and not recognizing her. it’s icon moves 

but seriously Claire and Delilah are adorable. and hot 

my parents were having a party while i was upstairs in my bedroom listening to this audiobook. I was washing my face in the bathroom hallway listening to a SEX SCENE, and a 50 year old woman came up to use my bathroom. i cannot describe in words what we felt in that moment.

despite that mortifying context, the sex scenes were passionate and hot and well-written

there’s really good girl group representation here that i’m super into. the friendship is just as strong as the romance here, which I LOVE

i haven’t gotten to book 2 yet but this is gunna be a sapphic trilogy!! gods bless

read when you wanna feel sapphic euphoria 

2. Book Lovers by Emily Henry 

two colleagues who previously disliked one another keep running into each other in the small town they’re in for the summer and find out they’re actually the same person  

the prologue is so hilarious and genius and well-written that i knew instantly this book would be a favorite of the year

Nora is the Hallmark Christmas Movie Villain Girlfriend. The foil to the doe-eyed, small town girl that always gets the guy. She’s the one who keeps getting DUMPED by that guy. And honestly? I’ve ALWAYS related more to that girl. Seeing her get her happy ending is what I needed for my own career driven, type A soul

Charlie is a brooding book lover. Need I say more? (I was in love within 50 pages)

childfree rep!!! not at all common in romance books, and i love to see it 

miscommunication actually well-done. it all feels reasonable given the circumstances  and doesn’t make you want to punch them. rare 

i really, really enjoy Emily Henry’s adult romances. they’ve just got a depth to them that romances can easily lack. and her Emily  metaphors REALLY get me. she’s an instant-tbr author for me now 

read when you want to feel the mortifying ordeal of being known 

1. Never Ever Getting Back Together by Sophie Gonzales

A bisexual disaster goes on a reality television show to re-date her ex in order to destroy him, but ends up falling in love with her ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend

John Tucker Must Die but make it sapphic 

A little bit of Charm Offensive vibes (which was a 2021 top favorite!) 

Maya’s revenge plot is so fucking poorly planned but hilarious

Skye’s mommy issues and refusal to open herself hit a little too close to home but in the best way 

Jordy is such a perfect awful ex. It was so much fun to pray on his downfall 

Isaac is my hero. I will not elaborate if you know you know 

After Perfect on Paper, I knew Sophie could write GOOD bisexual rep. This book confirms that she knows what she’s about — she gave me not ONE but TWO amazing bisexuals. 

Reading this will make you laugh and blush and blast Taylor Swift songs on repeat 

Read when you wanna light your ex’s house on fire and then make out at red lights with a hot girl in the getaway car

And that's the best five out of the 110 books I read. See you in 2023 (hopefully with a top ten!) Cheers to another year of reading too much!

[iamthenightcolormeblack]

My Experience with Jane Austen Part 2: Reading the Books

In part one I laid out which books I read, which ones were my favorites and least favorites, and the adaptations I've seen. Now I'd like to talk about my reading experience.

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert, just a casual reader sharing some observations, feel free to correct me if I get some details wrong. Out of the books I’ve read I’m most familiar with Pride and Prejudice.

Let's face it. Reading Austen can be challenging and I understand why some people dislike Austen.

It's easy to perceive her novels as "boring" because on a surface level, not much happens. The characters are well-off people (in the upper half of society) who spend their time at home or traveling between social calls and it's easy to dismiss their conflicts as "first world issues." Settings are often indoors, reflecting how "confined and unvarying" the lives of the rich (especially women) were. The plots often move forward through dialogue or conversations rather than big dramatic events. The focus on marriage can also make the stories feel like antiquated relics of the past and can be hard to relate to.

The writing style is also different. There isn't much dialogue at times because Austen slips in lots of very subtle commentary or prefers to describe a character's external appearance or characteristics. Often big events like proposals are described briefly after they happen rather than during, which can make the story feel rather "dry." The books are narrated in third person and sometimes there is unreliable narration (Pride and Prejudice) where we get characters' multiple points of view, but all narrated in the third person as to give each one credibility and prove that it's hard to trust others. Austen's writing style means that readers have to fill in the blanks with their imagination. For example, she doesn't give exact physical descriptions of her characters, often relying on general characteristics like "tall," "handsome," or "amiable." In my previous reviews of Pride and Prejudice adaptations, I explored that intentional ambiguity as a big reason why the character of Mr. Darcy is alluring--because the reader forms a personal connection with the character by sketching his portrait alongside Elizabeth. The characters (their physical appearance and some of their motivations) are purposely mysterious and while it gives the reader lots of opportunities for engaging with the text, without historical/literary context for "filling in the blanks" it's easy to see the characters as stiff mannequins in strange clothing rather than human beings.

Austen as a romance writer: Her romances don't always match up with our perception of what a romance should be. Some people start Austen expecting intense emotions and outbursts of passion but become disappointed when presented with formal courting and stately dances instead. Emotions are often veiled behind dialogue and for a first-time reader it can be challenging to see a romance developing. Most of the time readers have to rely on the clues given by Austen (descriptions of characters "blushing," looking "pale," or losing their composure) to detect the stirrings of love, but on a first reading it's difficult to do so when one's trying to figure out the plot and the characters. Finally, the dialogue can't always be taken literally; lots of people, including me, were disturbed when Mr. Knightley said he loved Emma since she was 13, but it was actually a joke made in response to something she said.

Her books are products of their time, and I sure am not an expert in Regency era economics or social norms. Sometimes the implications of certain actions can be lost on a reader if they don't know about the social norms of the time (I had no idea that Darcy following Elizabeth around, alone, on her favorite walk at Rosings was a sign of his love for her). Differences in social class are also very subtle and while one can generalize the characters as all "well-off" people, they are separated by many levels of hierarchy and their ideas about social position and status affect how they interact with others outside of their station. Darcy looks down upon those whom he perceives to be below him, and while Emma wants to make an advantageous match for Harriet, Harriet's lower social position means that Emma's schemes are not likely to work.

Because of the unique quirks within the novels, the reader is required to go beyond the surface level of plot and appearance and read between the lines to understand character motivations and actions. Without historical context (Regency era society having little social mobility, women having few legal rights and needing to make good marriages to secure material comfort) or literary context (the Enlightenment, 18th century Gothic novels referred to in Northanger Abbey, the birth of the novel, early Romantic writers just to name a bit) reading between the lines is nearly impossible.

So why do we read Austen? Below are my personal reasons.

The novels feature female heroines that have dignity and self-respect. It's significant that the stories focus on women who are trying to live according to their own values and speaking their own minds rather than acquiescing to societal dictates. Elizabeth Bennet is revolutionary in part because she wants a marriage based on mutual admiration and respect between two partners who know each other well, rather than an economic arrangement for a home. One could go on forever about how Austen is a feminist, but, the characters don't act like modern day feminists--they are still people of their time. However, it's easy to assume "feminist" heroines have to have "aggressive" characteristics (rebelling, fighting, defiance) in order to be labeled as "feminist." Importantly, Austen's women are allowed to be vulnerable (they cry or struggle with their emotions) without that being a shameful thing. We also see different types of personalities celebrated: Jane Bennet, who is kind to everyone, is seen in a positive light rather than shamed for seeing good in everyone. Anne Elliot, who is regarded as "old," becomes more beautiful as she gets older and has a second chance of love. Emma Woodhouse is spoiled yet confident and assertive and "not likely to be well-loved" (paraphrase of Austen's commentary on Emma). Fanny Price is a shy person but still achieves her happy ending. Her heroines are real people who have flaws and get opportunities to learn and grow so that they can make their aspirations reality.

A unique take on the universal conflict of humans versus society: Austen's characters are bound by social norms of etiquette as well as a value system that idolizes wealth and connections above all else. Persuasion is a great story in part because it focuses on how Anne Elliot learns to follow her heart and avoid being "persuaded" by others (and by society) to follow a path that will not make her happy. She's had to live with the regret of following the well-intentioned but harmful advice of others (Austen notes that Lady Russell values social connections too highly) over her own feelings and judgment, nearly losing her chance to be with Wentworth. The romances are significant in that they reinforce the dignity and self-respect of the female heroines. To a certain extent, Austen's stories are realistic in that marriage is necessary for material well-being in a patriarchal society that provides few ways for women to provide for themselves. But most importantly, she also sees marriage as a means of affirming self-respect and dignity of the women. It's one of the few parts of their lives over which they have any control because they get to choose whom they marry (for the most part, unless the marriage is arranged). Their wish to marry for love is revolutionary because they dare to aspire for something more than wealth. They want their future partners to be their equals, someone who they can love and respect (or be totally honest with them) and who will provide the same in return. This line from Emma (the 2020 movie adaptation) sums it up: "I have none of the usual inducements of women to marry. Fame I do not want. Fortune I do not want. Consequence I do not want."

The difference between outward appearances and inner character is a fascinating theme that appears in several Austen novels, most notably Pride and Prejudice, where Wickham and Darcy are foils of each other ("one has got all the goodness, the other all the appearance of it"). A lot of the villains in Austen's novels are those who deceive others about their motivations or lie for their own advantage. A common trait these villains all have is that they have a charming outward appearance that masks their true natures; they don't look ugly nor are they unpleasant (ex. Wickham having great social skills, Willoughby following the trope of the knight rescuing Marianne as the damsel in distress but leaving behind many broken hearts, Mr. Elliott being charming and knowing exactly what to say and how to act but actually a swindler). In contrast, the "good" characters are honest, even at the cost of social displeasure, use manners/etiquette to show respect rather than deceive people, and act selflessly to prove their worth (actions speak louder than words). It can be summed up this way: "don't judge a book by its cover."

Psychology: Austen very effectively described hindsight bias when sarcastically commenting on how the village of Meryton turned on Wickham after the elopement with Lydia, when previously they regarded him as an "angel of light." She also understands how easy it is to manipulate peoples' minds through confirmation bias (Wickham telling Elizabeth all the dirt about Darcy, which she eagerly takes because she hates Darcy so much). She also knows that emotions can override people's judgment: "angry people are not always wise." It's fun seeing how her people are social animals who make flawed judgments based on first impressions/emotions.

The secondary characters: Mr. Collins the clergyman is the most famous and he's so funny because of his arrogance in spite of his low social position (he keeps worshiping Lady Catherine instead of respecting God). Another great one is Sir Walter Elliott, a nobleman who is vain and constantly checks himself in the mirror (the most obvious social criticism). Also Austen understood how women insult each other: through passive aggression (ex. Caroline Bingley and Louisa Hurst talking negatively about Elizabeth behind her back). Austen's female bullies use their talent and "good breeding" to intimidate or shame others.

The romance (no explanation needed): "You pierce my soul. I am half-agony, half-hope. I have loved none but you." I love how the couples learn about each other through many spirited conversations and become slowly fascinated with each other until they realize they are in love and then have a conflict between formality and their growing passion...or they fall back in love with each other...or they are friends who slowly realize that they are more than friends...okay I'll stop talking nonsense I've been trying so hard to be semi-scholarly

Tags: @talkaustentome @austengivesmeserotonin @austengeek @princesssarisa @appleinducedsleep @colonelfitzwilliams

[devildompossum]

There are so many very interesting parallels between the celestial realm and the devildom. Like to the point I'd call them almost character/narrative foils.

(This gets long, sorry, I'm on mobile and cannot for the life of me get readmore to work, I'll add one in when I can access a computer)

If you allow me to go full English Major for a second- A foil is a device in writing to highlight specific characteristics in a character, usually the protagonist. If you want to show us that the heros are good because they fight for the poor, then the bad guys (their foil) would extort the poor with taxes, for example Robin hood and the sherif of Nottingham.

At face value, the celestial realm seems like the good guys. It's a metaphor for heaven, if not outright being heaven. The people living their are angels, they want to protect humanity, it's eternally day. The art we see of the celestial realm is bright and vibrate and radiant in the way one would expect of the land of angels.

On the other hand, the devildom is the exact opposite of that. It's eternally night, is Not hell but is where the demons live. The architecture is harsh and heavy and Gothic, often literally using (I assume) real skeletons. It's a land full of dangerous magical beasts where the poor human exchange student needed protection in case some demon decided TO EAT THEM

Now let's look at two very similar situations, and their handlings by both worlds.

The celestial war was started because Lillith saved a humans life. I imaging there were other tensions boiling under the surface, but the act of SAVING a human was the tipping point. Sure, she wasn't supposed to even go to the human world, let alone fall in love with one and then try and save his life, but does the punishment fit the crime? She was going to be executed for, in as many words, going against God's plan.

This started a literal war, called a GREAT war (for context the great war in our world is world War 1, so we can assume this wasn't a small couple of battles) because the brothers refused to accept their sister should be put to death for her crime of saving a life.

In a narrative foil, Belphie was locked in an attic by the acting kings right hand man, a direct act of treason. The consequences of this action included the death of an important political representative, MC. The exchange program being Diavolos main goal in life, he brought this human to his land in an attempt and bring real political alliances between the three realms. This crime, I would argue, is a much more serious one than the act of saving a life. One that seems much more fitting of execution, don't you think?

It's never really said what will happen to Belphie when it's found out Lucifer was harboring him in the attic. He was in some sort of jail, and we can assume his punishment wouldn't be kind to him.

But Diavolo offers and alternate suggestion. Go back in time, see what caused the door to open, and we will let by gones be by gones.

There is no mention of a crime after the actual death of MC, presumably because the time shenanigans meant MC is still alive.

Comparatively, Diavolo almost seems too forgiving, especially for a demon king.

But even if we look at broader society. Maybe it's because the devildom social ladder is based on pure strength, but there doesn't seem to be any sort of like- body guard position? Like being a king we can assume Dia would have like knights or something thay follow him and make sure no assassination attempts happen, and Barbatos kinda fills that role but he seems more there to prevent social scandals of the prince drinking too much than anything. Sure there's a navy so they have some sort of military branch, but given how little time Levi spends doing anything at all related to that we can assume it's not very active (that or admiral is more of a figurehead title than an actual job)

The celestial realm seems to have a culture of violence as punishment (or at least they did in the brothers time there). We can see this in Raphael, who is known to 'rain down spears' on people when they do things he doesn't like. (I remember something about Raphael being an assassin?? But I can't find anything to verify that so maybe I made it up).

It's very interesting to see the peaks behind the facade in both worlds, and it does make you question what exactly is going on in the celestial realm (I'm not caught up on recent lessons so idk whats going on with simeon).

[jackoshadows]

what i don’t understand is sansa stans who insist that she learnt from the best (cersei ans littlefinger) and so she’ll be an amazing ruler and player. first of all, when did she learn about the game from cersei? she was a hostage in kings landing, she wasn’t sitting in on small council meetings or anything and cersei definitely wasn’t telling her about all the moves she was making. the only time cersei really gives her ‘advice’ is during blackwater when she says that ‘tears/sex is a woman’s weapon’. regardless, cersei isn’t someone you want to be taught from, she makes terrible decision after terrible decision in affc. (since we’re on this topic, dany is the younger and more beautiful queen who foils cersei).

as for littlefinger, he’s definitely not a leader or ruler. he subtly manipulates things here and there and gets away with a lot of it because he stays under the radar. he’s not someone who inspires devotion for sure. nothing about the vale arc in affc puts sansa in an actual leadership position.

I agree it's best that no one learns how to be a ruler from Cersei Lannister, considering how much she messes up in AFfC.

And yes, it’s my opinion that Sansa's arc is leading towards outwitting Littlefinger and understanding how to play the game rather than ruling. And with two books left to go, she still has a lot of learning to do and being able to process the information available to her, analyze it and connect the dots and use the data to her advantage.

I just finished my ADwD and TWoW sample chapter re-reads so a rather long essay under the cut.

Sansa did acknowledge early on that unlike Cersei, if she were to become queen, she would prioritize getting the people's love over their fear - like the Tyrells did. But unlike the majority opinion of fandom, I think that this points to Sansa giving more importance to PR than to actual ruling. That it was better to be a loved monarch than a feared one.

It’s funny that Sansa stans often point the finger at Dany as being narcissistic, entitled and arrogant, when the few comments that Sansa makes about being queen revolve around her.

“Go ahead, call me all the names you want,” Sansa said airily. “You won’t dare when I’m married to Joffrey. You’ll have to bow to me and call me Your Grace. ” - Sansa, AGoT

“ If I am ever a queen, I'll make them love me.”  - Sansa, ACoK

Compare her quotes to those of current leaders/rulers in the books:

A good lord protects his people, he reminded himself. - Bran, ACoK

“Why do the gods make kings and queens, if not to protect the ones who can’t protect themselves?“ - Daenerys, ASoS

“And I know that a king protects his people, or he is no king at all.” Davos, ASoS

I was trying to win the throne to save the kingdom, when I should have been trying to save the kingdom to win the throne."  - Stannis, ASoS

“I am the shield that guards the realms of men. Those are the words. So tell me, my lord— what are these wildlings, if not men?”  - Jon Snow, ADwD

The other leaders in the quotes are putting the people first, prioritizing the people’s needs first no matter how much it affects the rulers themselves. Jon’s decision to let the Wildlings through the wall is necessary, but highly unpopular among his men. And ruling is more than just being beloved by the people -

"Allow me to give my lord one last piece of counsel,” the old man had said, “the same council that I one gave my brother when we parted for the last time. He was three-and-thirty when the Great Council chose him to mount the Iron Throne. A man grown with sons of his own, yet in some ways still a boy. Egg had an innocence to him, a sweetness we all loved. Kill the boy within you, I told him the day I took the ship for the Wall. It takes a man to rule. An Aegon, not an Egg. Kill boy and let the man be born.” The old man felt Jon’s face. “You are half the age that Egg was, and your own burden is a crueler one, I fear. You will have little joy of your command, but I think you have the strength in you to do the things that must be done. Kill the boy, Jon Snow. Winter is almost upon us. Kill the boy and let the man be born.” - Jon Snow, ADwD

This is the hard part of ruling be it in the middle ages or now. It’s not enough to be a good man to be an effective ruler. It’s complicated and it’s hard.  How do I resolve this thing? Do I do the moral thing? But what about  the political consequences of the moral thing? Do I do the pragmatic, cynical thing and kind of screw the people who are screwed by it? I mean, it is HARD. - GRRM

In this context, Sansa’s quote about being queen comes off as naive, ignorant, fairy taleish, like the queens in her stories - where everyone loves the queens and that’s all that’s necessary to be one.

It’s easy for Sansa stans to nitpick and criticize each and every one of Dany’s decisions and then praise future best queen Sansa - who has done absolutely nothing as a leader and has instead thus far served as an uncritical narrator to events around her. We don’t know what kind of leader Sansa would be because she has never been put in those situations or even shown an aptitude for strategic thinking.

Let me use an example I came across while recently re-reading ADwD and TWoW sample chapters. TWoW spoilers - if you don’t want to be spoiled on TWoW, please read no further.

-------------------------------------------------------

In ADwD, Jon is confronted with food shortage if they let the Wildlings through the wall:

“If we had sufficient coin, we could buy food from the south and bring it in by ship,” the Lord Steward said. We could, thought Jon, if we had the gold, and someone willing to sell us food. Both of those were lacking. Our best hope may be the Eyrie. The Vale of Arryn was famously fertile and had gone untouched during the fighting. - Jon Snow, ADwD

I have already written extensively on Jon’s political know-how of the North and using it in his strategizing and planning of Stannis’ campaign. But here we see that his knowledge extends to the south, where, knowing that the Vale stayed neutral during the WOT5K and it’s geography of being fertile, he sees it as a possible source to buy food for the Wall.

Now let’s go to the Vale in book 6, TWoW, Alayne’s sample chapter. After being called a bastard by Harry the Heir, a hurt Sansa goes looking for Littlefinger and chances upon a scheme of price gouging:

Near the bottom, she heard Lord  Grafton’s booming voice, and followed.

“The  merchants are clamoring to buy and the lords are clamoring to sell,”  the Gulltowner was saying when she found them. Though not a tall man, Grafton was wide, with thick arms and shoulders.  His hair was a dirty blond mop.  “How am I to stop that, my lord?”

“Post guardsmen on the docks. If need be, seize the ships. How does not matter, so long as no food leaves the Vale”

“These prices, though,” protested fat Lord Belmore,” 

“These prices are more than fair. Wait. If need be, buy the food yourself and keep it stored. Winter is coming. Prices must go higher.”

“Perhaps,”  said Belmore, doubtfully. “Bronze Yohn will not wait, ” Grafton complained. “He need not ship through Gulltown, he has his own ports. Whilst we are hoarding our harvest, Royce and the other Lords Declarant will turn theirs into silver, you may be sure of that.”

“Let  us hope so,”  said Petyr. “When their granaries are empty, they will  need every scrap of that silver to buy sustenance from us. And now if  you will excuse me, my lord, it would seem my daughter has need of me.”

“Lady Alayne,” Lord Grafton said. “You look bright-eyed this morning.” ” You  are kind to say so, my lord. Father, I am sorry to disturb you, but I  thought you would want to know that the Waynwoods have arrived.”

We are now in book 6 territory, this would be the point where a future queen/leader Sansa reflects on what she just saw - Littlefinger is hoarding grain and letting Royce and others sell theirs so that he can later increase the prices for demand from a starving populace and have the rest of the Vale Lords be dependent on him and with winter coming, there is currently much demand for the grain.

This would be where, if GRRM is writing for the future leader of the North, Sansa would wonder what is happening in the North with respect to the food situation since she just heard that merchants are clamoring for grain and winter is coming. Or she would think on LF’s scheme - is it a good plan or a bad plan? Does she think that Yohn Royce is right to sell his grain? What is her view on hoarding all the food for price gouging while people possibly starve elsewhere? What does she think of starving the populace for profit? Does she approve? Or does she think it’s ethically wrong?

We get no answers to these questions to give us a hint of what kind of ruler future best queen Sansa will be. It’s a blank slate because while Sansa acts as a narrator here and describes one of LF’s little schemes, she herself as no opinion on it. Instead Sansa’s immediate concern when speaking to Littlefinger is that Harry the Heir called her a bastard in front of everyone. Meanwhile Dany in ADwD:

Skahaz had been named Warden of the River, with charge of all the ferries, dredges, and irrigation ditches along the Skahazadhan for fifty leagues, but the Shavepate had refused that ancient and honorable office, as Hizdahr called it, preferring to retire to the modest pyramid of Kandaq.

Mounted men were of more use in open fields and hills than in the narrow streets and alleys of the city. Beyond Meereen's walls of many-colored brick, Dany's rule was tenuous at best. Thousands of slaves still toiled on vast estates in the hills, growing wheat and olives, herding sheep and goats, and mining salt and copper. Meereen's storehouses held ample supplies of grain, oil, olives, dried fruit, and salted meat, but the stores were dwindling. So Dany had dispatched her tiny khalasar to subdue the hinterlands, under the command of her three bloodriders, whilst Brown Ben Plumm took his Second Sons south to guard against Yunkish incursions.

The most crucial task of all she had entrusted to Daario Naharis, glib-tongued Daario with his gold tooth and trident beard, smiling his wicked smile through purple whiskers. Beyond the eastern hills was a range of rounded sandstone mountains, the Khyzai Pass, and Lhazar. If Daario could convince the Lhazarene to reopen the overland trade routes, grains could be brought down the river or over the hills at need …

The sea provides all the salt that Qarth requires, but I would gladly take as many olives as you cared to sell me. Olive oil as well."

"I have none to offer. The slavers burned the trees." Olives had been grown along the shores of Slaver's Bay for centuries; but the Meereenese had put their ancient groves to the torch as Dany's host advanced on them, leaving her to cross a blackened wasteland. "We are replanting, but it takes seven years before an olive tree begins to bear, and thirty years before it can truly be called productive. What of copper?"

Sansa does not come anywhere close to Dany and Jon in terms of leadership and that she’s so often pushed as this future queen in fandom, including by bnfs and so called asoiaf experts, is baffling, frustrating and hilarious.

What, if any, attributes does Sansa have to even be a peacetime ruler? After the war means rebuilding from scratch, making deals, hard bargaining, strategizing, using political tools, rebuilding the economy for war torn lands, get in the food, grow the food - precisely the kind of thing Dany is doing in Meereen. Or Jon thinking of building green houses in the Gift to grow food.

But Sansa building a snow model of Winterfell means that she’s the best qualified peace time ruler? Reddit dudebros and so called tumblr feminists united in wanting female characters who wield soft power and uphold the patriarchy as future rulers.

Even when it comes to personal growth, while Sansa has come a long way from her AGoT days, she still has some catching up to do with her peers. After getting hold of LF, Sansa complains that Harry is a horrible person for calling her a bastard.

Come,” Petyr said, “walk with me.” He took her by the arm and led her deeper into the vaults, past an empty dungeon. “And how was your first meeting with Harry the Heir?”

“He’s horrible.”

“The world is full of horrors, sweet. By now you ought to know that. You’ve seen enough of them.”

“Yes,” she said, “but why must he be so cruel? He called me your bastard. Right in the yard, in front of everyone.”

Now, personally, this is the point where I would like some introspection from Sansa. Remember when Sansa called out Jon as a jealous bastard in front of her friends in AGoT and Arya defended him?

Sansa sighed as she stitched.  “Poor Jon,” she said.  “He gets jealous because he's a bastard.”

“He’s our brother,” Arya said, much too loudly. Her voice cut through the afternoon quiet of the tower room.

“Our half brother,” Sansa corrected, soft and precise. - Arya, AGoT

Considering the way Sansa ignored Joffrey’s attack on Arya, it’s a good bet that if Harry the Heir had called out Jon Snow as a bastard in front of everyone in AGoT, Sansa would not have an issue with it. Now that she is being insulted as one, she gets to experience the hurt that Jon felt everyday growing up in Winterfell as a real bastard.

But even here, she refuses to scrutinize the situation more than simply getting angry at being called a bastard. Sansa is often held up as this compassionate, kindest person, ‘beacon of hope for the future’, a queen who cares for the masses etc. But where is her questioning why the classist prejudice against bastards is in itself wrong?

She is angry that she is being called a bastard, she is not angry that bastards are treated as less than. She doesn’t question the societal prejudice against bastards, only angry that she has to pretend to be one and be insulted as one. She doesn’t spare a second reflecting on her bastard brother Jon Snow or question her low opinion of bastards:

Sansa could never understand how two sisters, born only two years apart, could be so different. It would have been easier if Arya had been a bastard, like their half brother Jon. She even looked like Jon, with the long face and brown hair of the Starks, and nothing of their lady mother in her face or her coloring. And Jon’s mother had been common, or so people whispered. Once, when she was littler, Sansa had even asked Mother if perhaps there hadn’t been some mistake. - Sansa, AGoT

And that’s the difference I see between Sansa and characters like Dany, Arya, Jon, Brienne and even with Tyrion and Penny. While GRRM interrogates Westerosi society prejudices, feudalism, classism, sexism, slavery, ableism, bigotry, the effects of war on the small folk etc with these other characters, Sansa rarely reflects on these issues. That’s why it makes no sense when epithets like ‘embodiment of hope for the future’ is used to describe the character. Hope for whom? The small folk? The patriarchy? The feudal lords?

Sansa being nice to people like the stuttering Ser Wallace is held up as her being the kindest ever. But Jon is nice to Shireen, Arya is kind to Weasel, Jaime is kind to Tyrion. Why is kindness and compassion only highlighted for Sansa, like some unique feature of hers when many characters, even the villains, exhibit kindness?

This is Jon Snow in ADwD

“I see what you are, Snow. Half a wolf and half a wildling, baseborn get of a traitor and a whore. You would deliver a highborn maid to the bed of some stinking savage. Did you sample her yourself first?” He laughed. “If you mean to kill me, do it and be damned for a kinslayer. Stark and Karstark are one blood.”

“My name is Snow.”

“Bastard.”

“Guilty. Of that, at least.”  - Jon Snow, ADwD

This is Sansa Stark in TWoW:

Ser Harrold looked down at her coldly. “Why should it please me to be escorted anywhere by Littlefinger’s bastard?”  

“Yes,” she said, “but why must he be so cruel? He called me your bastard. Right in the yard, in front of everyone.”  - Alayne, TWoW

Sansa in TWoW is as hurt by the bastard moniker as Jon Snow was in AGoT when addressed as such by Tyrion. She’s emotionally where Jon Snow was in AGoT, while Jon has matured enough to not care for such insults anymore. And this is book 6! I guess it makes sense considering Jon is 16 -17 and Sansa would be 13 - 14 years old, making her younger than him in AGoT. But this is why the whole ‘Jon should take Sansa’s advice to rule because she’s the smartest ever!’ trash the show pushed to hype up Sansa is complete nonsense.

I don’t know how many chapters GRRM will be devoting to Sansa in the Vale in TWoW, but there’s still a lot of growth and character development pending for book Sansa. As I have always said, Sansa has a lot of information but she rarely if ever introspects on what she has heard and seen. She knows that LF last had Jeyne Poole but at one point wonders where Jeyne Poole is... Just ask LF dammit! She knows that Lysa had Jon Arryn poisoned on LF’s say so and knows that SweetRobin is being dosed with dangerous levels of Sweetsleep and that LF is banking on his death and yet thinks that SweetRobin will be okay. She needs to start putting two and two together to come up with four and I suspect that in itself will take up the whole of TWoW.

So will Sansa become any kind of queen or ruler? No. If she survives the books, I can see her being Lady of the Vale and be moving the chess pieces around. I can see her gaining agency and maybe even be the real power in the Vale aka Littefinger. Just like Jon, Arya, Bran and Dany I think Sansa will be a darker character in TWoW. The game of thrones cannot be played honorably and she will need to get her hands dirty to outwit LF and take him down at his own game.

The point where Sansa simply stops narrating what she sees and actually starts analyzing what she sees in her POV chapters is when the student will become the master and I am excited to see that happening.

[negasonicimagines]

Love Shouldn't Hurt

trigger warnings: abuse, self-hatred, depression, and any other content warnings that come with the Deadpool franchise

request: Love love love your fics!! Can you please do one where Reader is a human and Ellie saves her from an abusive relationship and they fall in love?

notes: this was… a hard one to write. as someone who’s experienced abuse on a few different levels from a partner, you aren’t alone. you may feel like no one else would’ve loved you before, and that no one else will love you after what you’ve been through, but they will. if you’re struggling with abuse, please reach out to someone, anyone. even me, if you really don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know. it can and will get better. things might not be okay now, but they will be. you are so loved.

i modified the request a bit, i hope that’s ok. i just adore a good best friends-to-lovers piece. sorry for the cheesy title, but i hope y'all are glad i'm semi-back. trying to write more since i'm in a better place and this is a good creative outlet for me.

synopsis: Ellie’s thrilled to return to her hometown after her senior year at Xavier’s is complete. She’s most excited to see you again. But, what happens when you aren’t the you she knows and (secretly) loves?

Ellie’s favorite part about coming home in the summer is seeing you.

Maybe that’s wrong; maybe she should be excited to see her family, or to be back in her own room, or to be away from the chaos at Xavier’s…

But it’s true.

This time, though, as you come out of your house (next door to hers, the only perk of living in suburbia is that you’re so close) you don’t skip along like you used to. Your smile is… Different.

“Hey, Ellie,” you say, and even your voice sounds different. Normally you’re grinning like an idiot, brimming with a puppy dog disposition that acts as a foil to her catlike aloofness. At the risk of sounding like a creepy teenage boy, where’s her hug?

“Are you okay?’ she blurts.

“Yeah, of course,” you laugh it off, your fake smile growing wider. You don’t wanna tell her? Odd. The two of you had drifted apart over this last school year, more than usual. It was normal for one or both of you to get carried away with your studies or other friends and forget to respond to a text every once in a while, so she hadn’t thought much of it. She knew once summer came, you two would fall right back into your routine of slumber parties nearly every night, catching up on all the crazy shit that’s happened in your lives during your time apart and making some more crazy shit happen together.

“...Okay,” Ellie decides to respond. Your phone vibrates, and you flinch, instantly pulling it out and quickly texting back. Your fingers are like lightning. You quickly lock your phone and slip it back into your pocket.

“How’ve you been?” you ask her. “How are things with Yukio?”

“Oh, we broke up almost as soon as we started fucking dating. Thought we’d work out as more, but decided pretty quickly that we were better off as just friends. Our future plans didn’t really line up, among other things. Other than that, I’ve been pretty good.”

“That makes sense,” you say, but you sound even more tense. “Uh, if we happen to run into Vivien, can you not tell her that? She’s the jealous type, and she knows we’re close, so…”

Ellie feels an odd twinge at that, more than just jealousy. Her mom always told her she had good intuition, so she presses further.

“How are things with you two?” she wonders.

“Oh, just great! She really is the best, words aren’t enough to describe it,” you answer enthusiastically, but it still feels so… Off. Maybe it is just jealousy making Ellie feel awkward. Envy was always her worst sin, coveting what she can’t; what she shouldn’t have. You’re her best friend, you always have been. It would probably end like it did with Yukio, burning fast and bright, but once the initial excitement is over… It’s over.

“That’s awesome,” Ellie says. “So, what were you thinking of doing today?”

“Oh, uh, whatever you want is fine,” you chirp.

“Breadstix?”

“They don’t have a lot of vegan options,” you remind her.

“You like it, though. I’ll cope.”

“But-”

“No ‘buts,’” she insists. “I don’t know why you like that place so much, the breadsticks they’re named for are pure shit, but I’ll just cope and get a salad.”

“Last time you ordered it, they put cheese on it, even though-”

“I remember. I’ll just send it back again, it’s not a big deal,” she insists once more. “Why are you arguing so much? It’s your favorite local place that isn’t fast food.”

You sigh.

“Fine, let’s go,” you cave, letting her pull you along to her car. You sit in the passenger seat, buckling your seatbelt as she starts it. She buckles her own, passing you her phone. You look at it as if it’s a foreign object.

“You always pick the music. What’s with you?”

“Have you ever considered that maybe I don’t like making all the decisions all of the time?” you bite back.

Ellie stammers, not sure how to respond.

“Hangry, huh?” She decides that must be the reason for your change in attitude. It’s already eleven, and you’re an earlier bird than she is. You likely skipped breakfast knowing the two of you would be eating when you hung out. She takes her phone back and just picks one of your playlists on Spotify.

You’re quiet on the short drive there, and it makes Ellie feel even more uneasy. Your chatter-- which she usually pretends is meaningless to her --is sorely missed.

You’re texting again, intently focused on the screen as if the task is difficult.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I said that I’m fine,” you quickly answer, locking your phone again and tucking it back in your pocket.

“I’ll drop it for now, but… If something was wrong, you’d tell me, right?” Ellie asks.

“Yeah, of course,” you agree, but she doesn’t feel better.

“Cool,” she replies, parking outside of the restaurant. The two of you get out, it’s early in the lunch rush so you’re still able to be seated pretty quickly. Your drinks arrive just as swiftly, and Ellie catches you texting with that determined expression on your face again. “Seriously. What’s going on?”

“Just Vivien. She wanted to hang out today, but I didn’t know that until I told her I was gonna be with you. She’s just a little disappointed.”

“Well, she can join us, I’m sure-”

“No, no, it’s really alright,” you quickly reassure her. “I- These days, I don’t really spend time with anybody but her. I’m surprised she even let me- That came out wrong, she-”

As you continue to stumble over your words, the pieces continue to fall into place for Ellie, brows knitting closer and closer together.

“Is she hurting you?” Ellie asks. Xavier’s sex education isn’t just about the mechanics, it’s a pretty progressive class. They had a whole unit on abuse. Ellie’s pretty sure she’s seeing signs of it right now.

“No, of course not! I mean, every relationship has its challenges, but-”

“She is, isn’t she? Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“‘Cause I knew you’d look at me like that,” you sigh, giving up on the lie.

“Like what?”

“Like… That. So disappointed in how pathetic I turned out to be. I mean, you’re Negasonic Teenage Warhead, for fuck’s sake, I… It must be so- I-”

“Hey, hey, no, that’s not it at all. I’m disappointed in myself, I should’ve fucking known something was wrong, I mean, I did, the second you came out of your house, but before that… I should’ve checked on you more. I’m- I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault I let it get this bad. She- She’s just- When it’s good, it’s good, y’know, but- I don’t know. I love her.”

“Those PSAs are right, though. Love shouldn’t hurt.”

“It always does,” you murmur, and you give her a meaningful look. If only she knew what the meaning of it was.

“Well, it shouldn’t,” Ellie insists. You’re picking at your pasta. You usually inhale it. Ellie almost asks what’s wrong, but she knows what it is. She’s sure Vivien’s taken every opportunity to break you down. “Eat, please. Or it’ll be a waste of my money.”

“Who said that you’re paying? You don’t even like this place.”

“I said I’m paying. Making a decision so that you don’t have to make them, isn’t that what you complained about earlier?”

You sigh in defeat, eating an actual bite instead of just twirling it around on your fork.

Ellie digs into her salad, she can’t help but fondly smile at you despite the situation. She’s missed you so much.

“When are you gonna do it?” she asks.

“Do what?” you wonder, as if you’ve forgotten the context of the question.

“Leave her.”

“I can’t,” you quickly say, but Ellie still catches a fearful tremor.

“Why not?”

“There’s nobody else. I mean, yeah, you and I are still friends, but… When you reject so many offers to hang out, people stop asking. They stop talking to you altogether, eventually. And… She’s the only person who’s ever wanted me, y’know? And now she’s the only one who ever will.”

“That’s not true,” Ellie says.

“It is.”

“It’s not, I swear,” Ellie insists. “I- You’re gonna need some time to heal, after everything, but… I do.”

“You’re just saying that. There’s no way, after all these years, that you finally-“ you stop yourself.

“Finally?” Ellie asks.

“That you finally love me the way I love you.”

“You mean…? I just thought… I’ve loved you just as long, but I thought you only saw me as a friend, and I didn’t wanna ruin that. The way things went with Yukio just reinforced that- That fear.”

You nod.

“Well, I guess that settles it. You’ll- I’ll call her. I can’t do it in person, she’ll… Y’know.”

“I know,” she gently responds.

You call Vivien.

“Hey, I… I can’t do this anymore. Us.”

You flinch. Ellie can hear the sounds. The yelling. And then the crying. And then the yelling again.

“I mean it. You’re right, you can do better, so… Go do better. We’re not good for each other,” you say with a shaky sigh. “Mhm. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I know. I know. It’s not like that. Yeah. Goodbye, Vivien.”

“I’m proud of you,” Ellie says softly, and you just scoff, rolling your eyes before you sink your teeth in your bottom lip. You cover your mouth. “Hey, hey, you’re gonna be okay.”

“Will I?”

“Yeah. I might be ‘Negasonic Teenage Warhead,’ but you’re Y/N. Twice as strong without the annoyingly long codename.”

“Yeah, right,” you scoff again, eyes watering. “I just- I just don’t know why I wasn’t good enough.”

“You’re perfect, she’s just… Some people just don’t… It’s hard to explain. I have a- He’s not my friend, I can’t believe I almost said that, thank the fuckin’ lord he didn’t hear me… I know a guy who deals with those kinds of people. He told me that most of them, they… They don’t ever change. Maybe they could, with help, but due to the ego that makes them abusive in the first place, they’re never gonna get that help. The world’s better off without them. There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

“That- That makes sense,” you admit. “I just wish we lived in a world where love was enough.”

“Me too,” Ellie sighs, and you take a sip of your drink. She mirrors your action, realizing that she’s actually quite thirsty. The two of you finish your brunch in a heavy silence. It feels like you both should be talking, but nothing feels right to say. That’s okay, though, Ellie’s just missed you so much. As depressing as the current mood is, there’s a bit of hope. You’ll be back to your regular self eventually; a stronger, more mature version, and Ellie will be there to shower you with the respect and affection you deserve when you’re ready.

[wistfulrat]

a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm

[ for my fellow fledgling drarry stans! the drama list is here and, well. like i didn’t initially intend to go off in the mini-reviews beneath every rec but it’s just that you can't nOT yell about drarry as classic literary foils!! also it’s my dumb sideblog so i decided there are no rules and i get to be annoying about good writing.

but rly, the whole premise of the drarry pairing is shaped by this genre and if the ~serious world of serious published writers~ weren’t absolute cowards, they would admit that drama fic authors have contributed more to the genre than the average shit you can find at your local chain bookstore. so that's that on thAT. & if you love a fic here, don't forget to follow the authors, leave kudos & comments on their work, send them nice msgs bc they do all this shit for free xoxo ]

part 2: dramas

mood: for when I need emotional catharsis and maybe 7 hours to sob/brood about loneliness, the cost of love, & the perpetual fear of being truly known

includes: angst, hurt/comfort, reconciliation fics. it’s cruelty o’clock folks and someone is about to say/do something Fucked Up that they can’t take back. but don’t worry!! there will be a Reckoning feat. hamlet-worthy monologues, ugly truths, unbridled rage, trauma, insecurity, and just a fuck ton of tears!! but maybe even tender apologies and mended things.

(Un)wanted by @aibidil​ - 36k - E | Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs. He doesn't expect that life to include dancing to the Backstreet Boys with Hermione and Draco Malfoy. A story of finding belonging in the unexpected. | --- can a fic be tender and unflinching at the same time? bc this story strikes that balance rly well and for a piece about unwantedness, it is incredibly humanizing. ginny holding her own, draco being gentle but not letting harry play victim, hermione calling harry “hazzah” and just the way this friendship insists on the validity of found families even when harry is spiraling?? and you’re forced to consider that no one has the monopoly on fucked-upness and that doesn’t absolve us of the ways we hurt each other but it means that everyone has the same potential to be better after being broken. goD JUST READ IT, OKAY.

Blood Magic, the series by @houseofhebrideanblacks and @thestralsofspinnersend 335k - E “Later that night. . .Draco wondered at the depths of magic, its breadth and scope. The ways in which life pervades and eludes death, the ways in which they endure all manners of small and large deaths within their lives.” -- if you don't read any other fic on this list, i hope you read this series bc holy shit it’s breathtaking. harry’s a recovering addict, draco’s recovering from abuse, and in a cottage within the forbidden forest begins an unlikely partnership as the boys take up the tedious work of healing. there are thestrals and everyone's in therapy. there are whole chapters of cottagecore drarry. it's a beautiful exploration of how we bare the immensity of loss against the miracles of birth and regrowth. 

Ship of Theseus by GallaPlacidia - 18k - T “A ship in a full sail, a ship in a state of decay, a ship that had been rebuilt, slightly different. A repeating cycle. “What makes the ship the same?” asked Harry. “I don’t know. There must be something in it that lasts across the changes.” -- DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS QUOTE LIVES RENT FREE IN MY SAD, SAD BRAIN. DO YOU KNOW HOW I LOSE SLEEP THINKING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHIP OF THESEUS. it’s a memory loss fic and everything is so unFAIR. you want to murder harry sometimes bc he’s such a shiT and you suffer through the ways he questions desire, penance, redemption, true love. and by the end, you want to believe in those golden slumber lyrics: “once, there was a way to get back home” 

Yours to Keep by @dracoismytrashson​ - 135k - E i love the university setting, i love getting to see harry and draco’s first forays into a real LGBTQ community, the class and race structures outside of the wizarding world. i love that this is the context in which they’re allowed to confront the shittiness of PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. as they come together and fall apart against each other’s traumas. it makes the ending feel earned af. “Baby, we’ve been easing into it for a decade.” -- my god this line

Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered​ - 153k - T  this fic is devastating. like, completely forget whatever reticence you might have towards a de-aging fic and read this. the de-aging premise allows the author to cut through the ways harry and draco hold each other at a distance and you end up with these stunning moments of clarity where they’re truly seeing each other for the first time. and suddenly everything makes sense. i won't spoil it here but there’s a scene towards the end where harry is talking to hermione and ron about realizing the first time he felt what its like to be loved and I fucking SOBBED. an all-time fave fic about learning how to belong.

Had To Be You by @lettersbyelise​​ - 59k - E a genuinely excellent slow burn about absolute fucking morons who refuse to express their mutual love over the course of literal years?? HOW MANY TENDER MEET-CUTES DO 2 GAY IDIOTS EVEN NEED. a car ride a bookshop a street corner -- when harry met sally is my enemy. but you know what? this fic is masterfully written, it’s an epic tale of unexpected friendships and the inability to say the things we feel. also its very much also a soft boi fic if not for the Major Fuck Up that pushes it into drama territory for me. so worth the turmoil tbh.

Hurricane by phrynne - 120k - E auror partners terrified of love. it’s a fic about walls - where the emotional landscape of this fic is occluded by dishonest words so you feel the tension play out in hollow voices, shuttered looks, emptied eyes. it’s like watching two ppl get flayed alive in slow motion and everything is SHIT for a little. it’s mean, it’s ugly, it doesn’t let you give the characters an out when they’re being cruel - to each other and to themselves. but harry and draco are two violent forces hurling toward each other’s walls and the inevitable reckoning comes and it’s so very worth the ending. the hospital bed scene to rule all hospital bed scenes.

Returning Tides by @zigster-ao3​ - E  “Is my timing that flawed? Our respect run so dry? Yet there's still this appeal That we've kept through our lives” --those fuCKing ian curtis lyrics in the summary!! p a i n. why do i put myself through getting-back-together fics knowing full well i’m gonna be Sad As Hell during the not-together portion of the story?? we are all unfortunately hoes for heartache. anyway this fic is beautiful. draco’s a dad and recently widowed, harry has a thestral reserve, the settings here are stunning. a story about grief and love that lingers.

A Piercing Comfort by @talithan - 44k - T “There is no objective scorecard. There isn’t anything that a person does that tips the balance from ‘deserving’ to ‘undeserving’, or vice versa. A ‘deserving’ person will not run out of worthiness after a set time of happiness and have to then go about working to deserve it again. And an ‘undeserving’ person does not have to suffer at length before having the opportunity to be ‘deserving’.” -- the heart of this fic. harry’s in therapy, facing depression, and learning how to accept love he doesn’t think he deserves. (also draco is harry’s therapist but yes, that power dynamic is handled ethically-well imo and addressed in the author notes I promise!!).

Borrowing Courage by @xx-thedarklord-xx​ - 70k - E |After years of being a Magical Artist and painting for other people, Draco decides it’s time to paint for himself for once. The secrets pile up as he tries to unravel the mystery of his relatives but the only thing he didn’t count on was having to go to Potter of all people for approval.| --god i love this fic. the thing about drarry here is that they never mean to hurt each other but they do. they do and draco’s trying to do the right thing and he wants so badly for good family but harry’s never rly stopped grieving sirius and it’s this whole unintended mess of festering wounds forced to heal. everyone needs a hug. also ron/blaise pairing and ron+draco’s friendship here is everything!!

Reparations and the sequel, Foundations by Saras_Girl - 320k - E | Harry is about to discover that the steepest learning curve comes after Healer training, and that second chances can be found in unexpected places.| -- incredible. harry and draco’s dynamic as healers, the cast of original characters, the boys learning what it means to trust each other, draco building a rehabilitation center, harry falling in love with him, and “meus fabula est mei ut dico: my story is mine to tell.”  i cry

The Ties that Bind by phoenix_writing (not on ao3) - 61k - T | Upon Andromeda’s death, Harry and Draco are given custody of Teddy. Their lives will never be the same.| -- harry’s got major abandonment issues and he’s just trying to be a good co-parent with draco but everyone is being the woRST and you want to murder them on behalf of harry. but then, the boys learn to listen to each other and god it all becomes so tender. also harry has a gay panic. things are awful but it all works out. -

[part 1: thrillers | part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]

[linkspooky]

Mahito and Todo

Gionshōja no kane no koe, Shogyōmujō no hibiki ari. Sarasōju no hana no iro, Jōshahissui no kotowari wo arawasu. Ogoreru mono mo hisashikarazu, tada haru no yo no yume no gotoshi. Takeki mono mo tsui ni wa horobin(u), hitoeni kaze no mae no chiri ni onaji.

The sound of the Gion Shōja bells echoes the impermanence of all things; the color of the sāla flowers reveals the truth that the prosperous must decline. The proud do not endure, they are like a dream on a spring night; the mighty fall at last, they are as dust before the wind.

Todo is quoting the Tale of the Heike, one of the most famous stories in japanese literature.  The central theme of the story is the Buddhist law of impermanence, specifically in the form of the fleeting nature of fortune. It’s remarking on the transitory nature of life. In other words, nothing is permanent. 

However, Todo only quotes the first part of the text. However, we are the exception! Is something Todo added. Not only is he altering a classical text which has implications of arrogance in a cultural context, Todo is also turning the quote around entirely to say that even if everything in the world is fading, his friendship with Yuji will never fade. 

All of this to say, that Todo and Mahito’s philosophies towards life are complete opposites. Mahito represents the inevitability of decay, which is why his touch destroys whereas Todo insists he is stronger than that decay, then that inevitability, and arrogant enough to fight against it. More on their character foiling under the cut. 

1. Life Circles

The 4-character expression (yojijukugo) "the prosperous must decline" (盛者必衰, jōshahissui) is a phrase from the Humane King Sutra, in full "The prosperous inevitably decline, the full inevitably empty" (盛者必衰、実者必虚, jōsha hissui, jissha hikkyo).

Mahito as a character is someone very observant of natural law, and the nature of the world around him. His closest friends are all literally made to be embodiments of nature as cursed spirits. 

The budhist law of impernanence is another natural law, remarking that with time everything fades. Eventually everything in this world will die. LIfe is fleeting, etc. etc. Mahito as a character has a special understanding of both the composition of the soul and the body. He can see through it in a way that others can’t. 

However, his ability to see the soul causes him to dismiss it as nothing special. It is just another part of life. Mahito as a character observes and compeltely obeys both natural law and his nature. He is a curse. He’s there to curse people. He does that to his fullest ability. To  Mahito life circles around. It cycles. Everything living must inevitably die, and because of that there’s really no point in attaching meaning to something imperanent. 

Mahito just sees it as something that goes in circles. He doesn’t see the soul as anything special. Humans and curses both have souls, so they’re completely equal in his eyes. Human awareness, reason, logic, emotions, values, connections, doesn’t add anything to it, because Mahito can’t see them therefore it’s all made up. Mahito’s argument towards life then becomes very nihilistic. 

Everything is the same in his eyes. Mahito can twist a human form to a fat, bulbous monster, but he still sees it as a human because there’s a human soul dwelling inside of it. Mahito rejects the idea that any of these things, human reason, human emotions, give any sort of value to life. 

Mahito is inherently nihilistic, at least in the sense of moral nihilism. There is no meaning to life, therefore it gives me liscense to do whatever I want. He doesn’t have any respect for life in the slightest. Everything is fleeted to Mahito, so he’s completely without respect, and without sentiment, because to Mahito there is no point in getting invested in something that is inevitably going to die anyway. 

Mahito is the embodiment of the fear of other human beings. Therefore it only makes sense, that he denies connection. Humans have no connection to one another, and no conenction to the world around them, they’re just there. It’s inherently nihilistic statement, because he’s arguing basically there’s no meaning to existence. 

Jogo even calls Mahito the embodiment of death because he reflects that idea so well, that everything dies. Even Mahito’s own curse ability is the embodiment of his inability to connect, if he reaches out and touches someone he only harms them with just a single touch of his hand. Hands are pretty basic symbols of human connections. 

However, even though Mahito’s nihilistic he’s not indifferent. He outright hates, and torments other humans. He encourages Junpei to hate life, exactly like he does. 

2. We Exist

If Mahito is a character that hates life, antagonizes life, then Todo is the complete opposite of that. Todo is someone who represents love and connection. Hence why even down to his curse energy takes the form of little hearts. 

Every detail we know about Aoi, centers around this idea of love, and particularly this love of life. The hearts are a repeating motif with him, they even appear on his volume cover. We know he has a crush on an idol named Takada. 

The first question he always asks people when he meets them is what kind of girl do they like, (but even if it’s a guy who is only into other guys he finds that answer acceptable as well). 

He dismisses Megumi from the moment he meets him, but immediately falls head over heels for Yuji. However, look at the difference between Yuji and Megumi. Megumi is someone who feigns indifference, and pretends not to be invested in the life around him. He’s always repressing his emotions and pretending he’s not interested. Yuji on the other hand, loves life, loves other people, and will react to save people’s lives without even thinking. Megumi is principled, but Yuji is unprincipled and acts on a simple love for the people around him, so therefore it makes sense why he’s more Todo’s type. 

The only other person Todo seems to respect on the level of Yuji is Okkotsu Yuta, who also said this. Whose cursed technique was converting the girl he loved into a cursed spirit to remain with him after her death. 

If Mahito’s character is built around the hatred humans have for each other, Todo is built around love. Even if it’s kind of in a weird way sometimes. He asks people what kind of girls they love. He respects people who are open about what they love. This isn’t even the first time that Love and curses have been connected thematically to each other in the series. 

Love and curses are presented as a complementary pair. That is rather than being binary opposites ,like life and death, fire and whater, they’re like yin and yang. Two ideas that seem like opposites but go together. Love can be like a curse. You can curse someone you love. Etc. etc. 

Love and hate, is much like love and cursing, seem like they’re opposite ideas. They’re traditionally held to be opposites. Mahito even comments on this. There’s Junpei who is apathetic. Mahito says the true opposite of love is hate, and saying apathy is the opposite is just japanese wordplay. He then encourages Junpei to hate people, to curse them. Mahito is a cursed spirit, hating people, cursing people is in his nature. 

Junpei even said, the hatred that the bullies constantly lobbed against him, the fact that his mother was killed, it all felt like he was being cursed by everyone around him. Cursing people, hating people, are presented as the same thing to Mahito. 

Mahito’s philosophy is basically that there’s no particular meaning to existence, therefore it’s okay to hate life. 

Both Mahito and Todo have a special insight to how cursed energy flows around him. Todo as weird as he is, seems like the wisest of all the students especially in regards to curse energy. 

Todo has a similiar perspective of the world as Todo. He too says that life, that cursed energy flows through the world. However, rather than using that argument for nihilism, he uses it for existentialism. Mahito says we don’t exist that there’s nothing special for existence. Todo says we do exist. Therefore it’s okay to love life. 

While Mahito encourages Junpei to hate and spite others, Todo does the opposite of that, telling Todo to repress his hatred for now, because he has to think of the feelings and well being of the people he loves and is trying to protect first. 

Todo is someone who fights against the natural order of things, for the sake of the love he feels for other people. He even literally fights Hanami, who is an embodiment of nature. 

Hanami, the practice of watching the blooming sakura flowers is also a symbol of transience. Todo fights against this transience, and declares himself the exception. Mahito is natural order, Todo opposes natural order. Therefore in both love and hate, and also in philosophy they are complete opposites. Todo fights for what he loves, and Mahito fights for the sake of hating others. 

Even in thie cursed techniques they are opposites. They both use their hands. However, Boogie Woogie is a cursed technique ideally suited for cooperation. When he claps his hands together he switches places with anything. Todo is like, the one sorcerer in the series whose cursed technique is far better for team fights than it is solo fights.

Mahito calls for them to curse each other. 

Todo, blows a little kiss when he’s fighting against Mahito, another symbol of love. 

(Mahito’s Let’s curse each other, is also a callback to Geto’s let’s curse each other. Geto is someone who after all, hates humans as well, at least the ones who aren’t jujutsu sorcerers). 

When Mahito shows Yuji he is all alone by killing two of his allies Nobara and Nanami (Nobara is fine though), Todo shows Yuji that they are still all together because he is carrying the feelings of his allies with him. Something Mahito would insist means nothing. Something Todo says means everything. 

Lastly, when Mahito moves to finish off Todo he’s distracted for a moment by Todo’s little locket. The symbol of his love for both Yuji and Takada. 

Which buys Todo enough time to clap Mahito’s hand and used his cursed technique even after one of his own hands is completely blown off. Hands are the symbol of connection, Todo connects to others and Mahito doesn’t. 

What’s ultimately ironic is the memories Todo has are completely fake. They are made up. Just like Mahito says, there is no meaning to life, any kind of meaning we try to make is just made up. However, even though Todo’s friendship with Yuji is completely imaginary, he obviously values it. His fake friendship with Yuji trumps Mahito who really only values his own individuality, and only thinks about himself. 

Mahito says I am the only thing that’s real, therefore it’s only natural I only care about myself.

Todo says, my friendship is Yuji is real, and our feelings will far outlast both of us. 

[awanderingdeal]

Hello there, Lucy! I really enjoyed the injury aspect of the O'darwin fic, I thought it felt very maturely handled to me. I was wondering if you'd perhaps write a continuation based on the last sentence where he stays busy healing in Gryffindor by spending time with Finn? I respect that you don't take hurt/comfort prompts so I'm very sorry if this is too much angst for you but I was hoping we could see Finn helping his brother through his recovery, please. Thank you!

Hi! Sorry this took so long to do 🙈 This isn't 100% what you asked for, but I hope it is satisfying!

You can read the prequel to this fic here which will provide context.

CW: healing from an injury

Rating: T

Let me know if you think I missed any content warnings or need to change the rating.

All characters and the sweater weather universe belong to @lumosinlove

Alex watched mournfully as the bright yellow ball soared past him again, the muscles in his thighs twitching with desire to chase it. Not even a year ago, he'd have met Natalie's serve easily. “Alright, that’s me out," he sighed, pride swelling in his chest. It was still difficult to temper his competitiveness like, but he’d learned his lesson the last time he’d over - done it. Besides, the berating he’d received off his physio hadn’t been worth the slight smoothing of the dent of his ego. 

"You good?" Finn spun the racket in his hands, hair plastered with sweat against his forehead. By this point Alex had gotten used to his brother's boring stare searching for any hidden ribbons of pain in his face. 

"You know the doc said I’m good to play again as long as I listen to my body. I’m listening. Do you want me to bring you a signed permission slip?” Alex bit back a comment about how Finn was only so concerned, because overstepping his limits was well within his own remit of personality flaws too. 

“Sorry for caring, dickface.” Finn stuck his tongue out and picked up a slow jog across the court to grab the ball. He tapped the edge of his racket appeasingly against Alex’s shoulder as he passed. “Blizz, Nat. You two play. Winner stays on?”

“Sir,” Kasey drawled, knocking the tips of his fingers on his temple in a lazy salute. 

Alex met Natalie's eyes across the net just briefly before their mouths split with a loud laughter. Next to her, Kasey blinked slowly at the two of them, his expression clearly indicating he thought they’d lost their minds. It only served to make them laugh harder until air forced itself out of Alex’s nose in a snort. He clutched his side, the muscles there beginning to complain about the lack of oxygen they were receiving. “Did Finn just possess you?” Alex finally managed to gasp out. 

“You become more of an amalgamation of your team each day, Sugar,” Natalie said, a smile still settled on her lips as she pressed them to Kasey’s cheek. “Now go -" she pushed him away playfully, "- onto the other side. I have a game to win.” 

“I’m influential," Finn grinned.

“You’re something, but influential isn’t the word I would choose." Kasey raised an eyebrow. The ball was thrown in his direction at speed, but he plucked it from the air with ease, Kasey's expression smug as he curled long fingers around it. "Do you want another attempt at that, Harzy."

"Just watch your back, Winter," Finn laughed lightly, showing Kasey his middle finger. 

Kasey snorted. "Well, alright. While Finn perfects his supervillain act, Nat, are you good to play first to ten points?" 

"Sure thing," Natalie nodded, her ponytail bobbing. She snaked her tongue over her lips to wet them and smirked. "Don't worry, I'll go easy on you, babe."

"No you won't," Kasey deadpanned. 

"You're right, I won't, Natalie laughed. Alex loved that laugh; it was almost childlike, loud and unapologetic but warm and inviting, just like the rest of her personality. It made Alex want to laugh when he heard it.

"I get ripped into when I look at my boys like that," Finn said, nudging Alex’s shoulder as they sat on the bench, metal warm against the back of their legs under the unseasonably warm early afternoon sun. 

“Like what?” 

“Like you’re falling in love all over again.” Finn had flung his towel over his shoulder, head tipped back slightly, gulping water from the bottle pressed to his lips. He looked far too nonchalant for the sentence that had just left them. 

“You really should have been a brooding artist," Alex teased. Brooklyn would welcome you with open arms." Finn wasn’t wrong though. Alex seemed to find a new way to fall for Natalie and Kasey every day. 

“And deny the world the joy that is Finn O’Hara on the ice? I think not.” 

“So modest.” Alex nudged Finn this time, taking the opportunity to swipe Finn’s water bottle from his hands. He had his own, but he’d dumped his backpack on the other side of the court. Finn made a weak protest, huffing as he hauled his bag onto his lap, grumbling something unintelligible whilst he dug through it. After a lifetime of living with Finn, Alex had learned not to try to decipher the conversations his brother had with himself, instead drumming a beat against the bench until eventually Finn pulled out a silver pouch, grinning triumphantly.  It looked like the sort of thing you would take on a long hike. Alex peered closer at it. “Is that tuna? Just plain tuna.”

“I’m gonna put hot sauce in it,” Finn said, setting the pouch carefully to the side. He shoved his hand into the front pocket of his bag, seeking out a fork and the aforementioned hot sauce. Alex watched in horrified silence as Finn tore the top of the pouch open to release a waft of fish and dumped an obscene amount of the sauce in there. 

“I -” Alex had so many questions he wanted to ask, except he knew asking them would probably only result in having more questions. “That is so gross.”

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” 

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

Finn shovelled a forkful into his mouth, smacking his lips together noisy. “More for me.”

Alex was too distracted to respond. Kasey had just won his first point; Natalie having taken the first, and he took the lull in play as an opportunity to remove the thin headband keeping his hair out of his face. He shook out the brunette strands, neck exposed as he stretched to comb his fingers through it. 

"Didn't he do a shampoo commercial like this once?" 

Alex hummed, glancing briefly at Finn before setting his eyes firmly back on the view in front of him. "A while back...think I'd just left for Florida. I watched that thing more times than I care to admit."

He didn't have to look to feel the eyeball directed at him. Alex expected some teasing quip, but Finn's voice came at him concerned. "How are you-”

“My knee is fine, Finn," Alex sighed, a little irritated. He just wanted to enjoy watching Natalie and Kasey play. "Stop fussing, will you? I'm still the big brother here.”

“You know you can be a real bitch sometimes. I was going to ask how you were feeling about everything." Finn leaned forward, hand outstretched and precariously close to Alex's eye. He laughed as Alex leaned back to avoid the digits. 

"Do not put your tuna fingers near my face.” 

"Stop changing the subject," Finn admonished. "Where's your head at? You said last week you were struggling to find stuff to fill your time?"

Alex scratched at the stubble sprouting along his jawline. "God, when did you get so mature? You were knee high last time I checked."

"Alright, old man. 30's really hitting you hard, huh?" Finn dug his fork back into the foil pouch, pouting when it came out empty. "I've got water balloons in my backpack if that makes you feel better. Not full of water, of course."

"Of course," Alex laughed. "Why do you have water balloons in your bag?"

"Harry is coming over tomorrow afternoon and since the weather is a little nicer now -" Finn paused, halfway through crumpling the pouch into a tight ball. "-Hey, I see what you did there. Stop trying to distract me." He finished compressing the ball, cocking his head slightly to look at Alex properly. "You really don't want to talk about it?"

Alex breathed out heavily, slouching back against the bench. "Not today, Finn. Today I just want to enjoy," he gestured vaguely at the court. "But, I promise we'll go for breakfast sometime next week and we can talk."

"I just don't want," Finn started, the opening and closing of his mouth resembling his nickname. "No, you're right. You're a big boy. If you say you're okay then I'm going to believe you. Just...I'm here if you need me, alright?"

Alex sat up pulling Finn into a hug, his brother's arms wrapping tight around him. "I know. I know. I really am doing better, sometimes I just don't want to have the conversation, y'know? Love you, kiddo."

"Don't call me that," Finn grumbled, squeezing Alex tighter one last time before he pulled away. "Love you too."