#if it had come out on monday id be dead

[marcsnuffy]

Very happy this chapter came out while I'm on my break from college so I can function normally

[theatrediva1975]

Redemption

Shock to the System

Los Angeles, California

Monday, September 20th, 2010

The day had been long.  Inordinately long.  A hostage situation went sideways, SWAT was called in and LAPD’s finest had to do whatever was necessary to save the day.

And they did.  Just like always.

Now, as the sun began to set over the Los Angeles skyline, SWAT Lieutenant Samantha Devereaux was happy to be on her way home where she planned on curling up with her beloved pit bull, Red, and indulging in her guilty pleasure – reality TV.

Sam eased her Kawasaki Ninja into the driveway.  Waving across the street to Mrs. Miller, Sam removed her helmet, releasing her long, dark auburn ponytail.  She grabbed her mail and made her way up the front walk to her porch, where a package from Aunt Mae was waiting.  Sam smiled, wondering what Hawaiian goodies Mae had stuffed into the box this time.

Sam disengaged the security alarm as she was toppled sideways by her big baby, Red.  “How’s my big boy?  Did you behave today, huh?  Didn’t eat any more of my shoes, did you?”  

Dropping her backpack by the front door, Sam began stripping the day off her 5’ 8” frame as she walked towards the kitchen to get Red his cookie.  Jacket thrown haphazardly on the coat rack, boots kicked off one by one by the couch, gun and badge deposited on the kitchen island.  As she reached up on top of the refrigerator to grab Red’s cookie jar, the house phone rang.

Sam furrowed her brow.  The only time the house phone rang was if her commander couldn’t wake her up at 2am with a SWAT call out.  Sam checked the caller ID and saw it was Mae.

“Hey, Mae!  I literally just walked in the door with your package.  I haven’t even had time to pop open my knife to open it,” Sam said jovially.

Silence.

“Mae?  You there?”  Butt dial, maybe, Sam thought.

Sobbing.  Sam could hear her aunt sobbing on the other end of the line and her blood ran cold.

“Mae!  What is it?  Are you alright?”  

“Oh, Sam.  I can’t…I don’t know…I can’t under….” Mae choked.

“Aunt Mae, are you okay?  What’s going on?” Sam prodded.  “Talk to me.”

“Sweetie, it’s…. it’s John,” Mae blurted out.  “Sweetie, he’s, oh God, honey, he’s gone.  John’s dead.”

Sam’s knees buckled and as if in slow motion, she hit the floor, hard.  Time stopped.  No.  It couldn’t be John.  There had to be a mistake.  

Struggling to find her voice, she asked, “How Mae?  When?”  She tried to will it to be a mistake but in her heart, she just…knew.  Too many years in the field taught her better.

“I don’t know the details, but from what the police officers who questioned me said, it sounds as though he may have surprised someone who broke into the house this afternoon.  They asked if I had heard or seen anything out of the ordinary over the past few days.  He was…he was shot.”  The last words came out in a whisper.  

Sam fought to suppress the bile that rose in her throat when she heard the last word.  

Shot.  

John McGarrett was shot.  

No.  That wasn’t possible.  How in the hell did John McGarrett, a decorated Vietnam veteran and cop, wind up shot and killed in his own home in broad day light?  This couldn’t be real.  

And just like that, Sam went on autopilot and her training kicked in.  Not the SWAT training.  Her other training.  The training that told her that there was something far bigger going on than just a random break in.  The training that had her already running strategy and scenarios for Mae’s safety, intel to be gathered, calls to be made, favors to cash in. 

“Mae?  I need you to listen to me, okay?”  Sam said, trying to keep the fear out of her voice.

“What?  That I need to pack a bag and go stay with Jim & Paula?  I know how your mind works, sweetie.”  Sam marveled at how in tune she and Mae remained, despite the miles between them.  “I already worked out what you would be thinking.  Sam, please, come home.  Be careful, but come home.”  The pleading in her aunt’s voice broke what was left of Sam’s heart.

“Don’t worry about me, Mae.  I’ll be fine, too.  I’ll send you my flight info as soon as I have it.  And Mae?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“I love you.  You know that, right?” Sam asked.

“And I love you right back, my sweet girl,” Mae responded.  

Sam hung up the phone and placed it on the floor.  Leaning against the refrigerator where she landed, dozens of thoughts and memories flooded Sam’s brain as she tried to process the fact that John McGarrett, her beloved mentor and surrogate father, was dead.

Despite sensing his person needed him, Red walked up to Sam and started to whimper to go outside.  She absently patted his head as she tried to work her way through what needed to be done.    Compartmentalization.  That was all Sam could focus on.  

Shaking her head out of the fog, Sam got up, grabbed her gun and badge from the island and her phone and keys out of her backpack and hooked Red up to his leash.  She set the alarm and locked the door behind her as she took Red out for a quick walk.  As she did, she remained cognizant of her surroundings.  She kept an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.  For a day that seemed normal – as if a crazy day at LAPD SWAT was considered normal – Sam felt a shift of some sort.  She felt like, all of a sudden, she was back to her hypervigilant days as a CIA operative, constantly looking over her shoulder, assessing any impending threat, looking for strange cars or people between her house and the park down the street where Red liked to people watch.  

As they completed their walk and made their way back to the house, Sam checked her phone for the first time since leaving headquarters.  There were several missed calls from Mae, two texts from Javi asking if she wanted company tonight, and one from Jazz, checking in before her date tonight.  Jazz.  That’s the priority call.  She typed out a quick response to Javi that she was tied up.  She didn’t feel like she owed him a full blown explanation.  Wickes would fill the team in tomorrow anyways.  She just couldn’t deal with him tonight.

After locking up and resetting her alarm, Sam made a beeline for the back of the house.  While her family room looked like any other family room, no one noticed that the room was shorter on the inside than it was on the outside.  A sliding bookshelf blocked off a small, secure space where Sam kept what could only be described as a small arsenal of weaponry, as well as multiple cell phones, laptops, tablets and boxes of paperwork – her own personal case notes that she kept on every CIA op, mission and case she ever worked on.  There was even a secure drawer full of passports, driver’s licenses and social security cards for a set of aliases she had set up for herself over the years, should the need to disappear ever arise.  She set herself up in her own personal SCIF – Secure Compartmented Information Facility.  And once Sam was comfortable, she pulled up a secure link and set up a video conference with her darling Jazz.

Within seconds the beautiful Amazonian was on her screen.

“Hey girl!”  Jazz’s larger than life personality filled the screen.  Barely paying attention to what was happening, Jazz started going on and on about her upcoming date for the evening.  Regaling Sam with information on her latest Mr. Possible Right, it took her a full minute to come up for air and really looked at Sam for the first time.  Jazz stopped dead in her tracks.

“Samantha?”

“Jasmine,” Sam said quietly, once again fighting the urge to break down.

“Honey girl, what happened?  What do you need?”  Jazz asked.

“I’m sorry to put you in this position, given that I’m no longer with the Company, but you and Matty are the only two people I can trust with this.” Sam said.

“Sam, you know I am here for you, no matter what.  Just hit me with it.”

Sam took a halting breath.  “John McGarrett was murdered in his home today.” 

“Oh my God!” Jazz said quietly.  She knew how much John McGarrett meant to her dear friend.  The man had been a second father to her her entire life, especially after her parents died.  Jazz had always thought John saved Sam after her world crashed down on her in Munich.  This was going to tear Sam apart.  “I will get you everything, you know I will.”  Jazz began furiously working her technical magic.

“I know.  HPD would more than likely have had the scene.  Mae called me.  Jazz, you should have heard her.”  Sam rambled on for several minutes until…

“Fuck me sideways.”  Jazz mumbled.

“What?” Sam said cautiously as Jazz stared back at her through the screen.  “Jazz, what?” 

“According to a Naval intelligence report, John McGarrett was on the phone with his son when he was shot and killed.”  Jazz’s eyes were watering as she was reading whatever file she had tapped into.

“You’re telling me that Steve heard his father…?”  The bile once again began to rise in Sam’s throat.  Oh God.  Wait, if Steve and John were on the phone…Sam’s mind was spinning.  “Does that mean they know who shot and killed John?” Sam asked.

“Yes,” Jazz said, pausing a moment too long, as she once again gazed at her friend through the screen.  Sam prompted her.

“Jazz, who killed John?”  Sam demanded.

Visibly choking on the words as a tear rolled down her cheek, Jazz said the one name Sam never expected to hear fall from her lips.

“Victor Hesse.”

[poledancingdinos]

You’ve Got Me Hooked - Chapter 9

Pairing: Captain Syverson x OFC (Riley McKenzie)

Word count: 2.7k

Warnings: Sex work, Stripper, OnlyFans, Angst

Catch up: Series Masterlist

Taglist: @amberangel112 @utterlyhopeful-fics @marantha @kebabgirl67 @littleone65 @omgkatinka @luclittlepond @marytudorbrandon @enchantedbytomandhenry @foxyjwls007 @peaches1958 @identity2212 @summersong69 @liecastillo @islacharlotte @evansabove1981 @eskiix

A/N: If you want to be added or removed from my taglist, let me know!

Masterlist

Sy

I hate being back on Jared's couch. I accidentally flashed his wife this morning because I kicked the blankets off in my sleep while having a very graphic dream about Riley that had my boxers struggling to conceal my raging morning wood.

Despite feeling like a nuisance again, the worst part about the situation is not being near Riley. I miss her even though she was never mine to miss. It's Tuesday and I imagine she must be home watching a movie on the couch with a giant mug of something hot and sweet.

She never did answer any of my messages but I know she’s alive because she dropped off her file for Don after I left the garage last Monday. The rejection stung but I got the message loud and clear.

Her work was so thorough that he took the file with him to the bank for the loan meeting. He was able to get all the money he needed and the repairs start next week. She also set up the social media accounts for the garage and so far it does seem to have helped. She’s absolutely amazing at this and whoever let her go from her old job is a damn fool.

The TV is on in front of me but it's muted because I'm not really following along so much as staring off into space in the general direction of the screen. My phone rings beside me and I pick it up without checking the caller ID.

"Yeah?" I grunt, annoyed that someone is interrupting my little moping session.

“Sy?”

I sit up from the couch, passing the phone from one ear to the other. 

“Riley? Hey, I didn’t expect to hear from—”

“Sy,” she interrupts, “I— I’m sorry, I don’t have a lot of time. My phone is almost dead and I didn’t know who else to call.”

Her voice is thick with emotions and she falters over the words. It immediately sends my entire body on high alert. 

“What’s wrong? Riley, are you okay?”

I begin to pace from one end of the living room to the next. Aika follows in a close heel position, her big brown eyes looking up with an intensity that no doubt mirrors that of my own face.

“I— I don’t know. I’m sorry, I know you’re probably still mad at me for what happened but I’m stuck out on Clavering Boulevard in Atlanta and my stupid car won’t start and—”

“Riley," she's talking so fast there's no room for a breath, "breathe for me, sweetheart." I take my own advice and let out a slow breath through my mouth. "Are ya safe where ya are?”

“I think so?”

I pocket my wallet and take my keys from the hook by the doors as I slip my feet in my boots without bothering to lace them up. 

“Okay, stay put. Ya said your phone’s almost dead?”

“Yeah," she sighs.

“Then text me your exact location.”

I'm already in my truck, putting my phone up in the holder while the call transfers over to the Bluetooth system.

“Hang tight, sweetheart.” That’s the second time the endearment comes out of its own accord but it just feels right. “I’ll be right there.”

“Thank you, Sy. I’m so sorry to do this to you.” Fuck, that was definitely a sob.

“Don’t apologize, I’m glad ya called. I’m on my way.”

My phone pings again just as I pull onto the freeway. I haphazardly punch the cross-street into the GPS while I swerve around the few other cars on the road, speeding 20 miles an hour over the limit.

I play the conversation with Riley over again in my head. She sounded panicked but besides saying that she was stuck somewhere in a sketchy part of Atlanta, I don’t know what’s going on. Some stupid part of my brain is pleased that she called me and not someone else but the logical part of me knows that when your car doesn’t start, you call a mechanic.

The other thing I don't understand is why she thinks I'm mad at her. We haven’t spoken since that fateful night. The night I fucked everything up by letting my friends drag me to that damn strip club and effectively ruined my relationship with my roommate. When she didn’t answer my calls or respond to my voicemail about where she was I moved back into Jared’s place, cursing Luke the entire time.

I thought that maybe having me around would be intimidating for her. I figured giving her a bit of space would help her work through whatever she was feeling and that she would call when she was ready but she never did. I haven’t answered any of Luke’s calls or texts either so I guess I know how Riley feels. We were both betrayed by people we trusted.

I hope she hasn't gone into my room since I’ve been gone. The fact that she hasn’t called to complain about the fist sized hole I left in the drywall suggests that I might be able to sneak in and repair it while she’s out. I’d hate for her to lose her security deposit because of me.

I was so worked up after leaving that last voicemail. Luke had just texted me and he’d had the fucking audacity to say that us seeing each other at the club was a good thing. His exact words were you can finally stop lying to her .

After that, I wasn’t only mad at him. I was mad at myself. He’s right. I did lie to her. Every conversation we had, I pretended I didn’t know about her double life. Sure, she wasn’t fully honest with me but she’s entitled to keep certain parts of her life private.

I, on the other hand, intentionally deceived her for what? Over two months? And why? I could have come right out and told her. I could have told her what I found out and she would have either let me stay with her or she wouldn’t have but my selfish ass didn’t want to risk missing out on getting to know her.

When I reach the end of the GPS navigation and Riley’s car is nowhere in sight, I start to panic. I pull up to the side of the road and look at the pin on the map that shows the location Riley shared with me. When I think I’ve figured out where I need to go, I put the truck in drive and turn onto an unmarked road that leads between rows of warehouses.

I spot Riley’s car off one of the side streets and make a last minute hairpin turn as I accelerate towards her. There isn’t a single street lamp so I stop the truck in the middle of the lane at an angle that illuminates the front half of her car with my headlights.

I jump out and walk to her driver’s side door. My body cast a shadow across the window, blocking my view of the inside of the car. I’m sure the light has alerted her to my presence but since she’s made no move to come out, I knock gently on the glass.

The lock on the door clicks and I backup to allow Riley to open the door.

“What the fuck happened?” I growl as soon as her body comes into view. I stand rooted in place, taking in her appearance. The only thing she has on is see through lingerie. She’s not even wearing any fucking shoes. Her makeup is smudged and running down her cheeks but on the right side, below the black mascara, is a patch of dark purple skin that can only be a bruise.

I’m fucking seething. Now I know why she sounded so terrified on the phone and someone is about to lose their fucking head.

I’m pulled out of the rabbit hole of dark thoughts when Riley whimpers and scoots backwards, obviously spooked by my outburst.

“Fuck, Ri, it’s okay don’t be scared, please.” I relax my hands at my side, unclenching my fists.

Her bottom lip is quivering when she looks up at me with tear filled eyes. “Please, Sy, I just want to go home.” She pulls her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and it breaks my fucking heart.

“Of course, don’t move.” I race back to my truck and shift through the items in my backseat until I reach my gym bag. I find a clean sweatshirt but the rest of my gear is in the dirty laundry back at my and Riley’s apartment. The hoodie will have to do until I get her home.

“Okay, sweetheart, I have something that ya can put on.” I hope that my words are enough of a warning that I’m going to approach her.

I squat in front of her and hold the bottom of the hoodie for her to slip her arms through. She sniffs a few times before reaching forward. The hoodie is not such a bad fit after all. Once it’s pulled down her slight frame, it’s so long that it comes down nearly to her knees.

“Take everything ya need and let's get ya in the truck. I’ll put the heat on while I look under the hood.” Her body is covered in goosebumps and she’s shivering badly although, at this point, I’m not sure if it’s because of the cool night breeze or if she’s in a state of shock. Probably both.

She nods almost imperceptibly and I extend my hand for her to take. She moves to put her feet on the ground but I stop her when I remember she’s barefoot.

“I’m gonna carry ya, I don’t want ya to get cut on anything.”

She lets me guide her arms around my neck and holds on as she’s lifted out of the car. Once I have her safely tucked away, I make quick work of inspecting her car’s motor. I find the problem quickly. The problem is that the car should be sold for parts and never be driven on public roads again. I don’t even know how it lasted this long.

I call the tow company we use at work and leave a message. They won’t open until morning but the car getting stolen between now and then would not be a big loss. I shut the hood, wipe my hands on my jeans and get back in the cab next to Riley.

“Ri?” She doesn’t look at me. Her small hum is the only sign that she has even heard me call her name.

“I think I should take ya to a hospital or something.”

That catches her attention. “No! No you can’t do that!” All of the sudden her fingers are wrapped around the door handle and I have to reach out and grab her to keep her from falling out when her weight pushes it open.

“Hey, it’s alright, sweetheart. No hospital.”

Her body is deadly still. She stares down at the hand I laid on her thigh, just above her knee, and I expect her to bat it away but it seems to have a calming effect on her. She takes a few deep breaths, slowing her frantic breathing then pulls the door fully shut and releases the handle.

“No hospital,” she repeats, still fixated on my hand. “And no police.”

Fuck. Whatever happened must have been bad. I agree, straightening in my seat and starting the truck. I keep my hand on her thigh the whole drive back to our apartment. Once we get there, I contemplate the best way to get her up the stairs.

“Ri? Can I carry ya in?”

“Please.” The one word plea splits my heart right down the middle.

I get her to wrap her legs around my waist so that one of my hands is free to unlock the door and she hugs me tightly, pressing her face into my neck. I stop in the kitchen long enough to grab a towel and a bag of frozen peas then carry her the rest of the distance to her bedroom.

I lay her gently on the bed, immediately covering her up with a blanket. When the bedside lamp gets switched on, I press the makeshift ice pack to Riley’s swollen cheek.

“Can ya hold this for me? That’s good, hold it just like that.”

Her eyes follow me as I move around the room. I open a few drawers before I find a pair of shorts and a shirt I’ve seen her wear to bed before. If she’s bothered by my invasion of her privacy, she doesn’t say it. After finding a pack of makeup remover wipes in the bathroom, I hand her the clothes and turn around while she changes. There’s a faint swishing sound from the left side of the room followed by the rustling of her bed sheets. Looking over, I realize that Riley has thrown the underwear she was wearing into the trash.

“You can look now.”

When I turn back, she’s wearing the clothes I gave her but she’s also put my hoodie back on over top. I kneel by the bed and proceed to gently clean the ruined makeup from her face. 

“What can I do?” I ask when I finish my task, guiding the ice back to her face. The red and purple bruise over her cheekbone is fully visible, part of it extending almost to her eyebrow.

I’m prepared to do absolutely anything she needs but I’m still taken aback by her answer.

“Stay with me. I don’t want to sleep alone.”

I honestly don't think that's such a good idea but I'm not about to tell her that. If she thinks this is what she needs then that's what I will do.

“Lemme change and I’ll be right back.”

I go across the hall to find a pair of shorts. While I’m there, I fire off a text to Jared asking him to take care of Aika followed by another to Don saying I’m taking the day off tomorrow.

When I return to Riley’s room, she’s moved to the far side of the bed, leaving a space for me to join her. I hate that the first time I saw Riley’s body was on a stage, surrounded by two dozen men. I hate that the first time I got to hold Riley was to lift her out of her car on the side of a sketchy road. I hate that the first time I’m going to share a bed with her is because she’s afraid of whatever it is that happened tonight.

“Ya still want me to join?”

“Please.”

I slip between the sheets laying flat on my back as close to the edge as I can. To my surprise, Riley moves closer to me and lifts my arm, placing it around her shoulder. I follow her lead and pull her into my chest, wrapping both arms protectively around Riley’s frame. Her small hands wrap themselves around the fabric of my shirt like she’s trying to keep me from leaving. I don’t even think I could pull myself away from her if I tried.

“Ri, I know I look like some big ol’ redneck, but ya can tell me anything. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here to listen.”

She peeks up at me, small tear drops clinging to her eyelashes. “I don’t know if I can.”

I brush a strand of hair away from her face and the action causes her eyes to flutter closed as she rests her forehead against my chest. I repeat the motion, smoothing out her messy blond hair and gently coaxing out the knots.

“That’s okay,” I whisper. “I’ll be right here if ya change your mind.”

I can tell the exact moment Riley drifts off to sleep. Her entire body goes slack, the grip she has on my shirt loosening and the tension in her shoulders disappearing. I wait another few minutes, making sure she’s really out, then I press a kiss to the top of her head before switching off the lamp and plunging the room into darkness.

Chapter 10

[teddy-feathers]

so. i realized on the way home today that

a) i dont want to die. or i do but like thats definitely not me talking anymore thats the brain goblins. like id be sad to leave behind my friends. so as much as i say 'i wanna die' when im upset, and as much as that emotion is present i dont actually wanna die anymore. like. id be sad if i died just as much as id be relieved.

b) i never feel like enough because the only time im doing anything "right" is when im following a step by step guide laid out for me and i hate that its like playing a video game where the possibilities are pretty full but only playing a build someone else designed and then playing the rest of the game exactly how youre told to like do i need to be here for this?

c) i didnt take my pills this weekend or monday and Tuesday while i was sick or wednesday because i hadnt been taking them the previous days and despite having taken them the last two days i am emotional as fuck.

tuesday i went to a doctor and found out ive gained.... 10lbs in a month and im pretty close to breaking the 200 mark. which is because of my meds. so i need to contact my shrink and say "exercising and eating right aint uh working out for me the way i hoped can we try new meds"

because as much as i want to be chill about it it bothers me so much. like if it was all in my gut like itd be if i were on t id probably give less shits but where its at now its bothering me. and if i break the 200 make i know its going to be so much harder to come down from.

and new meds are scary because i know these ones work because i always know when i havent been taking them. i get the sads. new ones may not work and we'll have to adjust the dosage.

and if i tell my aunt shell throw a fit because how dare my shrink lower my dosage just because i called her and told her i was having a problem with how it was affecting me. and now she wants to put me on different meds? without doing a brain scan?

like frankly my dear i dont give a damn. this woman had done more for making me not dead in the last idk how long ive been seeing her to be honest then my aunt has since before 2012.

idk. im tired. and emotional.

[soupdeewoop]

favorite lines from "THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT"

your wife waters flowers, i want to kill her

All my mornings are monday stuck in an endless february

but you're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down the road

we're modern idiots

You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate

i scratch your head, you fall asleep, like a tattooed golden retriever

sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me, but you told lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave

'cause it fit too right, puzzle pieces in the dead of night, I shouldve known it was a matter of time

'cause i knew too much, there was danger in the heat of my touch, he saw forever so he smashed it up

did you really beam me up?, in a cloud of sparkling dust, just to do experiments on, tell me I was the chosen one, showed me that this world is bigger than us, then sent me back where I came from

now im down bad crying at the gym, everything comes out teenage petulance, "fuck it if I cant have him", "I might just die, it would make no difference"

how dare you think its romantic, leaving me safe and stranded

my spine split from carrying us up to the hill, wet through my clothes, weary bones caught the chill

thinking how much sad did you think I had, did you think I had in me? oh the tragedy

i stopped cpr, after all its no use

two graves, one gun, ill find someone

you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? i died on the alter waiting for the proof

i just learned these people try and save you 'cause they hate you

id rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitchin' and moanin', ill tell you something 'bout my good name, its mine along with all the disgrace, I don't cater to all these vipers dressed in empire's clothing

there's a lot of people in town that I bestow upon my fakest smiles

my friends tried, but i wouldn't hear it, watched me daily disappearing, for just one glimse of his smile

another summer, taking cover, rolling thunder, he doesnt understand me, splintered back in winter, silent dinners, bitter, he was with her in dreams

little did you know you home's really only a town youre just a guest in

florida, is one hell of a drug, florida, can I use you up?

little did you know your home's really only the town youll get arrested, so pack your life away just to wait out the shitstorm back in texas

i need to forget, so take me to florida, ive got some regrets, ill bury them in florida, tell me I'm despicable, say its unforgivable, at least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up, florida

go on, fuck me up

this cage was once just fine, am i allowed to cry?

what if hes written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

these fatal fantasie given way to laboured breath taking all of me, weve already done in my head

what if the way you hold me is actually whats holy?

they dont know how youve haunted me so stunningly, i choose you and me, religiously

if you wanted me dead you shouldve just said

crash the party like a record crash as i scream, "whos afraid of little old me?", you should be

i wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me, you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

you caged me and then you called me crazy, i am what i am 'cause you trained me, so whos afraid of me?

they shake their heads saying, "god, help her" when i tell 'em hes my man

ill show you heaven if youll be an angel, all mine

whoa, maybe i cant

i thought i was better safe than starry-eyed

if you know it in one glimpse, its legendary, you and i go from one kiss to getting married

you shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles, i wish i could unrecall, how we almost had it all

youre the loss of my life

the lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night, i can show you lies

'cause im a real tough kid, i can handle my shit, they said "babe, you gotta fake it till you make it" and i did

lights, camera, bitch, smile, even when you wanna die

im so depressed, i act like its my birthday everday

'cause im miserable (haha), and nobody even knows, try and come for my job

and i dont even want you back, i just want to know, if rusting my sparking summer was the goal

you didnt measure up in any measure of a man

in fifty years will all this be declassifed?, and ill say, "good riddance"

i wouldve died for youre sins, instead i just died inside

so when i touch down, call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team

'cause the sign on your heart said its still reserved for me, honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?

he jokes that "its heroin, but this time with an E"

you look like clara bow

this town is fake but youre the real thing, breath of fresh ait through smoke rings

the crowd goes wild at her fingertip, half moon shine, a full eclipse

youre the new god were worshipping, promise to be dazzling

beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours demanding more

you look like taylor swift, in this light, were loving it, youve got edge, she never did, the futures bright, dazzling

[beardedmrbean]

BRUSSELS (AP) — Abdesalem Lassoued had been denied residency in four European countries by the time he chased two Swedish men into a building in Brussels this week and gunned them down at close range with a semiautomatic rifle.

The 45-year-old Tunisian arrived on the Italian island of Lampedusa in a smuggler’s boat in 2011. He spent jail time in Sweden and was refused entry to Norway. At one point Italy flagged him as a security threat. Two years ago, Belgium rejected his asylum claim and he disappeared off the map.

Until Monday night, that is, when he killed the two Swedes, wounded a third and forced the lockdown of more than 35,000 people in a soccer stadium where they had gathered to watch Belgium play Sweden. In a video posted online, he claimed to be inspired by the Islamic State group.

Within days he has become the new face of the European Union’s campaign to toughen border controls, rapidly deport people and allow the police and security agencies to exchange information more efficiently.

“It’s important that those individuals that could be a security threat to our citizens, to our Union, have to be returned forcefully, immediately,” EU Home Affairs Commissioner Ylva Johansson told reporters on Thursday, as EU interior ministers met in Luxembourg.

Only around one in four people whose asylum applications are denied ever leave or are deported from the 27-nation bloc. Often the countries they come from, including Tunisia, are reluctant to take them back.

With EU countries constantly bickering over how to manage migration – their differences lie at the heart of one of the bloc’s biggest political crises – the European Commission has sought to outsource the challenge.

The EU’s executive branch has helped to seal deals with Turkey and Tunisia to persuade these countries to stop people from the Middle East or Africa – not to mention their own nationals – from trying to enter Europe, as they did in large numbers in 2015.

About 25 countries that people leave or transit to get to Europe are of concern. Egypt is the next country on the list. The commission is already helping to locate and pay for new boats for the Egyptian coastguard.

Belgium’s top migration official, Nicole de Moor, said that countries refusing to take back their nationals must be made to cooperate.

“The terrorist that committed an attack in Brussels on Monday had asked for asylum in four different European countries, and every time he was rejected because he did not qualify for protection,” de Moor said.

The EU does have coercive tools at its disposal. The commission has used visas as a lever, making it harder, more time-consuming and costly for the citizens of migration source countries to gain entry to Europe’s ID check-free zone – the 27-country space known as the Schengen area.

Thanks to this, Johansson said, the EU now has “much better cooperation” on deportation with Iraq, Bangladesh, Pakistan and Senegal.

The shooter Lassoued’s case was also marked by other failures. He applied for asylum in Belgium in 2019. His application was rejected a year later, and a deportation order was issued in 2021. Officials said this week that he couldn’t be found, as they had no address for him.

Within a few hours, admittedly with public help, prosecutors conceded, the authorities had discovered where he lived. He was shot dead by police at a café nearby the following morning when they tried to arrest him.

“It turns out that the individual had been convicted and had served time in a Swedish prison, which was unknown to our police and judiciary,” Belgian Interior Minister Annelies Verlinden told reporters.

“We need to improve the information exchange on these kinds of things. The man apparently arrived in Italy in 2011 (and) wandered around Europe for 12 years,” she said. Migration services and the police must share information, she said, “to ensure that this cannot happen.”

The clamor for tougher laws and better intelligence sharing are fresh, but the problem is not new. Lassoued’s case resembles that of another Tunisian man, Anis Amri, who drove a truck into a Christmas market in Berlin in 2016, killing 12 people and injuring 56 others.

German authorities tried to deport Amri after his asylum application was rejected but were unable to because he lacked valid identity papers. Tunisia had denied that he was a citizen.

On Tuesday, after leading security talks throughout the night while the hunt for Lassoued went on, Belgian Prime Minister Alexander De Croo loosened his tie from around his collar as he answered a reporter’s thorny question about the failings of Belgium’s police, justice and migration services.

“An order to leave the territory must become more binding that it is now,” De Croo conceded. “We have to respect the decisions that we take.”

[pacifymebby]

if you're feeling sinister / chapter six

Titch

I awoke on Monday morning wrapped up in Van's arms on the sofa, a blanket had been pulled up over my shoulders and a pillow tucked awkwardly behind Van's head. Probably his mam's doing.

Larry hadn't been found, hadn't come home. The police were looking for him, the woods were being searched. I hadn't had a proper night's sleep in days. I felt like I was the only one who knew the truth, the truth that he wasn't coming home, that something terrible had happened, that our town was too small for people to just disappear.

But still everyone said the same, they told me not to worry, they told me to try and get some rest. They told me that Larry would be back soon, that's he'd probably just gotten lost in the woods. I couldn't stand to listen to it but I couldn't look kind people in the eyes and tell them to shut the fuck up, so I looked them in the eyes and said nothing at all. I barely spoke.

Instead I stuck close to Van's side, smoking the cigarettes he rolled for me. Wearing the sweaters he chucked at me when I sat shivering. It wasn't that I was too cold.

Instead I wandered around in a daze, my mind replaying those haunted seconds when in the dead of night Id been sure I'd seen Larry standing there opposite me in the living room. His image flickering in and out of focus like the static at the end of a video. I was certain of what I'd seen and yet I didn't dare breathe a word of it to anyone.

That night I'd jumped, flinched at the sight of my friend quivering in front of me, his shadow strange and out of reach. The gasp which had escaped me had stirred Van and he'd found my hand with his and tried to squeeze my fingers to reassure me. Hadn't succeeded in offering me anything but his presence there beside me. And I hadn't told him what I'd seen. I couldn't bring myself to describe the uncanny shadow which had seemed so much like Larry and yet not at all. Like a ghost or a fragment of memory. Humans couldn't flicker in and out of focus like that. They couldnt dissolve into static right before your eyes.

That morning when I woke up I could hear the rest of the house already come to life, Vans mam in the kitchen cooking breakfast. Guests in the kitchen chatting away to her about her trouble making son and his friends. She was trying not to mention Larry and I could sense the tension bristling all around her when I slipped from Van's lap and into the kitchen to offer my help.

Her eyes went wide at the sight of me, shocked and sympathetic all at once.

"Pepper love, what're you doing up so early go on get yourself back to bed..."

"Thought you might like some help?" I said hoping she'd hear the raise in my pitch at the tail of my sentence, hoping she'd realise that bed was the last place I wanted to go, but if she did she ignored it and said again.

"Go on go back to sleep pet you look shattered."

When she shooed me out the kitchen with her tea towel she was smiling, making her guests laugh, but they didn't know how literally she'd meant that word. Shattered. I did look shattered. I looked like I'd fallen apart and been put back together by the most half hearted architect and when Van saw me as I fell back down beside him on the sofa he let out a sigh.

"What're we gonna do with you eh lass?" He asked as he put his arm lazily around my shoulder, "you wanna ditch today?" He asked but I shook my head.

"No point," I said softly thinking that if Larry were to turn up it wouldn't be at school. Thinking that if I had to spend another day troubled and haunted by the memory of his flickering ghost I didn't want to spend it in the very room I'd found myself haunted in.

"Could be good for you I guess," said Van, pretending like he was only talking about me, pretending like he'd been feeling just fine all weekend, "take your mind off everything..."

"Maybe I can have a nice wee gossip with my new therapist," I sneered making him laugh. Grinning when he made a joke about taking a packet of sweets to share with her whilst we talked about boys. But I'd already decided I wasn't going to be talking to my therapist, and I'd already decided that the only reason I was going in at all was to get myself out of the house and away from the woods and away from the memory of Larry watching us sleep.

"How're you gettin in kids I'll drive yous?" Called Van's dad just as we were kicking out trainers on by the door. I was crouched fiddling with the laces of my converse when I looked up at Van and shook my head, eyes begging him to come up with an excuse for us to walk.

I didn't want to go in straight away, I wanted to skip assembly and the fuss that would follow the announcement of Larry as a missing person. I didn't want to feel all the eyes that would turn to stare at us, his left behind friends.

"Nah you're alrate dad," called Van grabbing his keys and shoving them in his pocket, grabbing a box of cigs from the pocket of a jacket he wasn't going to wear. "Meetin the gang on the walk anyway!"

"Well be careful, make sure you..."

"Aye we will dunner worry!" He shouted back as the door swung shut behind us.

The second we were down the bottom of the drive he took out two cigs, lighting one before he handed it to me, lighting his and inhaling dramatically, exhaling with a sigh of relief.

"Don't sound so relieved," I said quietly as we wandered down the road at a more than leisurely pace, "that's gonna be everyone else for the rest of the day."

But it wasn't.

We met Bob first, he was just leaving his house as we passed along the garden fence and we didn't have to stop for him to catch us. He fell into step beside us and nodded good morning but didn't actually say a word. He wasn't a morning person at the best of times but he didn't look like he'd had much sleep. Safe to say we all looked the same in that sense.

Benji and Mia were already waiting for us under the tree at the end of their garden, hiding from the view of their kitchen window whilst they smoked. Mia was dressed almost identically to me, a pleated skirt, a pair of knee socks, converse with cream leg warmers scrunched lazily around her ankles. Her cardigan was too big, my sweater which was actually Vans sweater was also too big. She wore her hair the way she always did, half scraped back from either side in a little pony tail, the rest down, a beige scrunchie with a little tuft of hair sticking out. She only really looked like her brother because they had the same eyes and brows. The same frown.

It was the frown they were wearing when he stopped at the bottom of their garden.

"Bond phoned just before we left the house," said Benji, his eyes dark, "said him and Suki would meet us later," he said, Mia's eyes darting to mine and tearing away almost immediately as if she were worried to be caught showing concern for me.

It was a fair enough worry though she was right to be concerned. Benji's words had sent a bitter stab to my chest and when Van started grumbling about how we were all supposed to be sticking together I felt my irritation sharpen. When I snatched his hand and dragged him ahead he seemed shocked but he shouldn't have been.

"Ah c'mon love it ain't that bad I'm sure they're just..."

"Wankers." I replied quickly, stubborn and sullen, my sulk making Van laugh as I practically dragged him up the hill towards school.

"Slow down Titch you're gonna make us early!" Shouted Benji as we rounded the corner onto Larry's street.

I stopped when I saw the police car outside his house, when I saw the curtains drawn across the living room window. His mam didn't want anyone looking in on her, didn't want anyone to see her tears, her fear. She probably felt like everyone was watching her, probably felt sick with all the eyes turned to her front door. I knew how that felt and when I felt Van tug on my sleeve to shift me along up the road I pulled away from him and wrapped my arms around myself, holding myself, trying to keep myself steady and straight.

I watched the quiet street from behind my fringe, kept my eyes hidden from anyone who might have been watching me. People who were nosy, who lived for the drama, the excitement of watching someone else live through hell. In this town I was the girl at the center of the horror stories, I was the one they whispered about even when the story had moved on without me. Larry was missing not me, Larry's mum was grieving, not me. And yet it was me the mothers watched, me who made them shake their heads, me the other kids spoke of in hushed judgemental tones.

By the time we got to the edge of the playing fields the rest of the school had been shut inside the sports hall for assembly. That left us to throw out bags down right on the edge of the field behind the football goal, hidden in plain sight.

Bondy and Suki hadn't shown up and as Van lit a joint and passed it around the circle I hardly even noticed him waiting for me to take my turn.

"Titch," he half sang to me waving the smouldering roll up in front of my face until the smoke stung my eyes and drew me back to reality.

"Oh," I breathed, eyes scanning the field again for any sign of my best mates.

Van tried to distract me by playing me a strokes tune on his shit little brick phone, offering to Bluetooth it to me if I liked it, but I was hardly listening. My mind was on other things, other people. Not just Suki and Johnny but on Larry too. The strange flickering ghost of Larry who'd been watching me in Van's living room.

The shadow I'd seen fleeing the window in the dead of night.

"Do you have to go see her again?" Asked Mia with a sympathetic frown, head cocked to one side. She was following on from something Van had said in my defense. Something about how I was probably just worrying about Larry, about therapy about how people would treat me now that my friend was missing...

"Yeah," I sighed, "I honestly think it's a legal requirement I can't remember... all I knows I got into a lot of shit last time I started bunkin em..."

"A legal requirement? Seriously thats insane!"

"No love," I said, "that's me..." I smirked taking a drag on the joint and passing it to her, "that's the point."

As we smoked I began to feel at least some of my worries dissipate. I wasn't so worried about Suki and Johnny anymore. Those kinds of worries began to feel trivial. I wasn't so nervous to go to class, though if I'd known what the day had in for me I'd probably have turned around and headed home again.

The weed didn't however ease my worried mind when it came to thoughts of Larry. When it came to thoughts of the ghost in the living room. The shadow in the window.

Those thoughts I couldn't shake to save my life and when it finally came time to wander into school, into our first class of the day, it was those thoughts which left me scowling. Too preoccupied to notice that the usually vacant seat beside me at the back of English had been taken.

"Ahh Pepper lass," sighed Mr Oakes, he'd grown up in this small seaside town, only ten years older than my parents, both of whom he'd taught English to when they'd been in school. He was looking at me now with the expression of someone who was trying to hide their sympathy. "Wasn't sure you'd be in today lass but eh, glad to see you cause we've a new lad joined us an I reckon you're the only one I trust to look after him..."

"Uh... oh," I said looking up at Me Oakes and then down at my desk where I saw that he was in fact right. There were two hands resting on the desk beside me, one hand holding a pen, the other tapping it's fingers on the blue surface.

I followed the hands up the arms to the shoulders and neck to see a scruffy mop of brownish blonde hair, and then when I looked back between my teacher and the lad sitting in the seat beside mine I saw an awkward smile.

"Sorry," he winced, "am Sam..."

"Hi Sam..." I said quietly, trailing off, so taken by surprise that for a moment I forgot I needed to sit down. I hovered for a moment looking back at Mr Oakes in confusion, a small frown knitted on my brow. Why was he giving me someone to look after today of all days? He would have been told about Larry... he would know what I was going through...

And yet there we were. Him offering me a small smile, nodding to my seat to remind me to sit down. This lad next to me... Sam, offering me another tight awkward little smile as I sat down beside him. Me, trying not to glare at him, trying not to be too hostile in my state of confusion.

I had that stoner anxiety as I sat down and took my pen out only to realise that I didn't really need it. Reaching for my book instead, I was rereading Carrie but when I placed it down on the desk in front of me and saw Leah Smith smirking, not bothering to hide her mouth as she whispered the word "psycho" to her friend, I thought twice. Hesitated before opening it, pretending to read because I was too shy to speak to this "Sam."

"What're you reading?" He asked after a moment reading over my shoulder with a small smirk.

"I'm not really reading it..." I started feeling awkward when he smirked and leant forward on his elbows, tilting his head in towards mine conspiratorially.

"So you're just pretending to read are ya?"

"Not because I don't wanna talk to you..." I started with a guilty blush, knowing that one look at me would tell him that that was exactly why I was pretending to read.

"No?" He asked with raised brows, at first he looked amused but when he leant back in his chair and shrugged his shoulders, the way he tried to laugh me off made me feel terrible and awkward. "S'alreet lass I wouldn't wanna be lumped with the weird new kid either.." he said with a smirk, "a was gonna tell ya yas don't need to pretend to be me friend like..." he chuckled, "just let me know who all the cunts are and then I'll piss off..."

I bit back a guilty smile, looking at my hands on the desk.

"well I'm bein a bit of a cunt right now for a start..." I said quieter, a stricken mumble which made him crack a laugh, turned a couple of heads back in our direction. Stirred another barely concealed whisper from Leah Smith. I looked up, glaring at her sullenly, only half hearing when Sam spoke again so that he had to nudge me with his elbow and repeat himself.

"She one an all?"

"Would you believe me if I told you she used to be my best mate?"

"Nah," he said shaking his head subtly, following my gaze where I remained holding her icy glare.

"When we were little, like preschool, apparently we were bezzie mates," I said chewing on the tip of my pen, opening my book again, barely skimming the pages this time as me and Sam carried on talking awkward and quiet through to the end of class.

By the time the lesson was through my anxiety had begun to settle and as I scraped my chair along the floor pushing it back to stand and sling my backpack over my shoulder, I caught Sam's relieved smile with one of my own.

"Who have you got for maths?" I asked him as he shoved his things in his bag and stood up, only milling around for him. Usually id have been considering skipping maths to hang out at the back of the bike sheds with Johnny and Van but I didn't mind staying for maths if I had class with Sam because so far he'd proven to be alright.

"Mr Dunwoody or somet I think.." he said only wincing when he saw me wince.

"Ouch," I said chewing my cheek, "I can't walk with you cause my class is only across the corridor and I'll end up getting dragged in won't I..."

For a second I thought I saw disappointment in his eyes, his smirk faltering only for a second before he was shrugging me off.

"Nah," he said shaking his head, "you're alright lass, don't need mindin everywhere like," he grinned, "just glad a know there's someone sound in English like," he grinned, the two of us stopping in the classroom doorway. I was looking for Suki and Mia who were usually just coming out of the class next door. Sam was looking at me.

When I looked back at him I felt stunned for a moment, I hadn't expected him to still be there, hadn't expected to find his eyes studying me.

"Reet well, wish us luck.." he smirked holding his hand up in a still wave before turning to walk away. Leaving me behind to wait for my friends.

I stood alone for a minute or two, slipping my earphones out of my pocket, putting one in, listening to mazzy star as I watched other kids bundled past me in a flow of relentless traffic. When Mia materialised beside me she was smirking, her eyes following someone down the corridor.

"Who was that?" She asked nodding in the general direction of students dawdling to class.

"What?"

"Who was that lad you were talkin to just now?" She asked her smile impish and naive.

"Oh," I breathed nodding my head, "new kid," I shrugged, "Oakes sat him next to me..."

"And does this new kid have a name?" She asked verging on a giggle as she knocked her elbow into me.

"Sam," I said, "can we go?"

"You can... I actually intend to get my GCSEs..." she smirked pushing away from the walls we'd been leaning against, "you're really not coming?" She asked but I shook my head, I didn't exactly feel good letting her down but I had my reasons.

"Got to meet my new bestie in half an hour anyway," I said with a dry smirk and dark malicious eyes.

"Oh," she said swallowing a little lump in her throat, "right... yeah... listen Titch... you gonna talk to her bout Larry?" She asked, I could see her trying not to wince. Could tell she was getting nervous not just because she'd mentioned his name, but because she was now late for maths.

"Not gonna talk to her about anything Mia,"

"I dunno Titch, it could be a good idea..."

"Won't bring him back," I shrugged feeling like I was stating the obvious, not realising until I saw her awkward smile falter that I'd said the wrong thing. "Shit sorry Mia," I sighed, "look I'll see you later yeah, don't worry about any of it yeah, sure it'll all be sound," I said, hating myself when I heard my voice, the lack of conviction.

Hating myself when ten minutes later I found myself behind the bike sheds with Van and Benji, playing with matches as if we were victorian street urchins, suddenly taken faint and silent at the sight of our friend grinning at us from the edge of the path.

Our friend who I should have been happy to see. Our friend who I couldn't bring myself to be relieved was walking towards us now, bright eyed, one hand raised to call out to Van.

"Canna believe yous are back here without me!" Called Larry, his voice startling Van and Benji who hadn't noticed him until he'd spoken.

"Shit... Lau!" Grinned Van, his voice shaking despite the smile on his face. That was just relief though. If I'd felt relieved perhaps I'd have done the same.

But I didn't, and I didn't feel like smiling. I felt hollow. Couldn't stop thinking about how he'd looked that morning standing in the dark of Van's living room. Dead.

[homeofhousechickens]

Hi, I’m back about the golden comet hen- I hope it’s not too bothersome.

We took her to the vet- I can’t thank you enough for your response- and they said she was egg bound (they did an ultrasound) and gave her two shots; one for calcium and one for the inflammation.

I’m a bit skeptical about the diagnosis, however, because her abdomen has been inflamed for much longer than 24-48 hours which is way past the time limit for an egg bound chicken (as far as research has told me). The only different thing I notice is that her muscles are working to push the egg(?) out and that she feels a bit more swollen in the abdomen.

We took her to the vet Monday and her condition hasn’t changed; no egg, and no worsened symptoms. She seems to be trying to push lay something, but it’s not working. I know it hasn’t been very long since the vet trip, but they hadn’t exactly told us when to expect a change in condition.

Do you have any more recommendations?

Id get a second opinion with what you know now. I dont think the vet is wrong as eggs can sit higher in the oviduct but i think waiting with an egg bound bird with severe fluid build up to pass two eggs on her own is asking for a dead bird. I definitely would have had her start the implant as it can reduce swelling in the area (especially if there is a tumor present) allowing those eggs to finally pass, they may not be normal sized eggs to begin with, they could be lash eggs. The calicum shot is encouraging her to push but its supposed to help pretty quickly if that isnt helping she could prolaspe by continuing to try.

To be honest im not hopeful to me she sounds she is end stage EYP or cancer which caused those eggs to get stuck. If those eggs dont pass on their own your looking at surgery to remove her oviduct but that fluid build up she has doesnt look promising and her quality of life needs to be taken into account. An avian surgeon would know what the best course of action would be in this situation because if those eggs dont come out they will need to be surgically removed. If she ends up passing for any reason get a necropsy done so you can fine out what went wrong.

[swldx]

BBC 0408 11 Jun 2024

12095Khz 0358 11 JUN 2024 - BBC (UNITED KINGDOM) in ENGLISH from TALATA VOLONONDRY. SINPO = 55445. English, dead carrier s/on @0358z (with substantial 50hz hum heard throughout the broadcast) then ID@0359z pips and newsday preview. @0401z World News anchored by Neil Nunes. The United Nations Security Council has voted to support a US-proposed Israel-Gaza ceasefire plan. The proposal sets out conditions for a "full and complete ceasefire", the release of hostages held by Hamas, the return of dead hostages' remains and the exchange of Palestinian prisoners. Fourteen of the 15 Security Council members voted in favour of the US-drafted resolution. Russia abstained. The resolution states that Israel has accepted the ceasefire proposal, and urges Hamas to agree to it too. Israeli forces killed four Palestinians in the occupied West Bank on Monday, Palestinian officials said, and Israel's border police said they had opened fire at a vehicle that tried to run them over during an arrest raid. Victims of paramilitary violence in Colombia on Monday secured a landmark victory against banana giant Chiquita Brands International in a US federal court in Florida. A jury found the company liable for financing the United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia (AUC), a US-designated terrorist organization known for its human rights abuses. The jury awarded the surviving family members $38.3 million in damages for the deaths of eight victims. An aircraft carrying Malawi's Vice-President Saulos Chilima and nine others has gone missing, a statement from the president's office has said. Mr Chilima was on his way to represent the government at the burial of former cabinet minister Ralph Kasambara, who died three days ago. Thirty-eight migrants coming from the Horn of Africa were killed after their boat capsized off Yemen's Aden, a local official and witnesses said on Monday. Hadi Al-Khurma, the director of Rudum district, told Reuters the boat sank before it reached the shores of the Shabwa governorate, east of Aden. "Fishermen and residents managed to rescue 78 of the migrants, who reported that about 100 others who were with them on the same boat are missing. The search is still ongoing, and the United Nations has been informed of the incident," he said. Four US university tutors are in hospital after they were stabbed by an unknown assailant at a public park in China. Chinese authorities are yet to respond on the incident, however images of the aftermath were quickly shared on social media. South Korean soldiers fired warning shots after North Korean troops briefly violated the tense border earlier this week, South Korea’s military said Tuesday, as the rivals are embroiled in Cold War-style campaigns like balloon launches and propaganda broadcasts. France's political leaders are scrambling to prepare for snap elections after President Emmanuel Macron dissolved parliament in response to a stinging European vote defeat by the far-right National Rally. Finance Minister Bruno Le Maire has warned the two-round vote, starting on 30 June could have "the most serious consequences" in modern French history. @0406z "Newsday" begins. Backyard fence antenna, JRC NRD-535D. 250kW, beamAz 315°, bearing 63°. Received at Plymouth, MN, United States, 15359KM from transmitter at Talata Volonondry. Local time: 2258.

[kusundei]

goddd oh my god chat im just so. UGH. goodness. seeing his messages as soon as i woke up just made me so. IN LOVE. i fall in love with you more each day im being so genuine every once in a while i just. tweak about you randomly. like FALLING TO MY KNEES KIND OF TWEAK. i do feel a little empty rn because im remembering the play is over and i wontbe able to see you like this and im always doomed at home but god… GODDD. its okay. i just. love you. so. MUCH. yesterday was sooo nice. i feelsorta bad especially at the frozen yogurt place just cuz i went a bit nonverbal but more of thag just comes down to me beint more introverted around people idk very well and also cuz i didnt know what to say. aside drom that i was also jhst like ., dead tired. and i couldnt really get myself to really PRETEND to be full of energy . ijst wanted to lay my head on your shoulder. hold your hand. just exist. with you. i feel so like bittersweet right now but im trying to focus on positives so i dont freak out too much. its sunday.. and surprisingly i want it to be monday so i can see you .

i justtt. GODDD. yoy are so cute and goddd i loved thag lipstick sorry. like. that gave me a real excuse to just kiss you everywhere and i knew it was the right time (obviously. but im still cautious often.) its just sooo. . i LOVEEE YOUUUU. your face. you r so gorgeous to me. every inch of you i loveeee i donttCAREEANTNOREEEE. i kept tweaking a little during every show mostly cuz i kept passing byspmeone who. smells exactly like jd. and im realizing w that snell and how i felt smelling it again jdut how in love i am with you. like i said smell is like some weird cognitive thing i have where i can tell how i feel ab someone depending on how i react. smelling jds smell again felt so. disgusting. it invoked that fear in me again. that anxiety i always felt around her knowing she was lying and how i was always jjst worried all the time and she was just. not there. the fear i felt knowing i had to provide everything or else she’d be evil. or something. just that anxiety i felt ALWAYS. i realize it too smelling ayden. his smell makes me sick. sav stole his fucking perfume thjnf and she sprays it on herself sometimes and it makes me so. disgusted. his smell is disgusting to me. jds smell is disgusting to me. but then im sitting here with this hoodje again smelling it and i jusr . idk. i feel better. its like laced with memories everytime i smell it i just remember you. how lovely you r and it just makes me feel so. happy.

alonf wirh that just the things i do with you. the things you do with me its just . you make me feel better. truth be told i dont like when people touch my back pr my waist gery much because of just . feneral association and i never told jd that her doing it too made me ill. it didnt for a WHILE but after everything that happened with the note i felt so. disgustinf all the time with her. you. you however. you r replacing those horrible memories i have with her. that thing you do wirh your thumb when you hold my hand. thats something id do. something jd would do to indicate to each other when we werent feeling good because she struggled to communicate it wirh me and i felt like a burden doing so. id always get to anxious when she’d do it and feeling you do it i got nervous again but . no its so. comforting. like how its supposed to be. when you ask me if im okay. its so. ? so bare minimum and so sinple but i cant explain how much better it makes me feel even if im not eebn tweakint. and ive never TRULY been tweaking when u ask it just makes me feel like. i can be honest with you. you wont lash me for hurting. for feeling things like jd did. you wouldnt condemn me and make me feel like i was burdening you for just. existing. with you. and i jsut want to exist with you. i want to be with you even if you are hurting because thats still you and i want to believe wholeheartedly you’d do the same with me because thats how i feel. i feel like j can and god. i hope thats true.

i just feel so much better around you. genuinely. i feel like i dont have to pretend to be someone else . pretend to be happy pretend to be okay. have to force myself to talk pr force myself to do anything around you. i know i tweak ab holding ur hand and kissing you but thats more of me just being cautious and also that it makes me so nervous., but. a good kind of nervous. i always feel nervous around you. its that weird anticipation feeling but its never anything negative. havinf been by myself this past year and being with you (not actually but goddd. i wish.) now makes me realize jist how genuinely unhappy i was with jd. how much i hurt with her. but also just how much we were truly hurting each other even if she didnt mean it and i didnt mean to either . just. i spent so much time thinking about it and let alone just the fact i didnt have panic attacks antmore aftee we broke up make it so so. clear to me. and now with you im realizinf maybe im not. broken. maybe ive just lived with so much fear for so so long .? every relationship ive ever had has left me. hurting more than i was before. broke me a little more everytime. but ive always given it my all. and this time? i want to give you more than just my all. jts so weird. you just make me realize that how i feel with you is how i shouldve felt all along. to feel whole with you and nothing else. to just be and not feel burdening. you emphasize it so heavily to me and i just wish wish WISH. i could do it for you. hell even now when it comes to my hashtag best (toxic) empath ways you make me realize i dont have to be that way. hell, every single one of my relationships enabled that in me. you tell me i dont have to worry about you. make it cleae to me its not my problem and it comforta me a bit and of course, its nlt gonna completely go away but it makes me feel less. overwhelmed. with everyone else i had to take care of them. it was my obligation. they needed me to. with you i just. truly want to but im leveling myself out to a plane where i know i can handle it and also take care of myself. you make me want to take care of myself .

god forbid i start rambling ab something else but. back to that froyo place.? i truly was still not hungry and was feeling a little ill but i kind of knew cognitively that it was me not eating and making me feel a little more ill. its just with jd she sort of. enabled me. not really enabling but i felt so. judged with her.? especially in terms of eating because she’d bring up her ed all the time and of course, console in me, but it made me feel. so gross. ab eating. felt like i cpuldnt cuz she couldnt and it was that weird competitive feelinf id get again. with you im noticing im doing it slightly but thats also mainly out of my control and i worry ab you not eating but ik you cant exactly control it either. in a wonderful silly less cringy universe id ask you to eat with me. so i wouldnt feel fhat way and i coulf feel a little more comforted but of course thats evil on both of us. when it comes down to me its just like ., of course im not rly trying to restrict i just. find myself doing it. and as horrible as it sounds i might just always be that way but those times i do eat with you i dont feel? ashamed? i feel like i can eat without feeling disgustinf and judged and evil and god i want to eaat. seriously. im just still working on it. and you make me feel better ab it. even if we havent done alot in regards to eating like that i just notice how i feel ab it and irs nothing negative and that. means sososo much to me.

[4kids2dogsandabreakdown]

Dashi Birth Story

Okay so, its been 6 years and much of this is from memory. I know I wrote a diary while I was in the hospital with Dashi but I cant find the damn thing!

Monday 8th January 2018, Was having contractions in the morning, we got the kids ready for school and nursery. My best friend and David were there, once the kids went off I dont think it was long before we were heading to the hospital. My friend was laughing hysterically at me because I was 'mooing' with each contraction :D

We'd had a number of meetings with the hospital before going in for this delivery and it had been agreed that I would be able to labour in the midwife led unit without constant monitoring. I know the doctors had reservations about it, but it genuinely made the labour so much easier for me.

I was in the birth pool the whole time, I coped well with the pain and only had a bit of gas and air all the way through.

We were given space and privacy for most of the time between them checking the baby/me so we were alone when the waters burst. The pool became murky which seemed like something we should be worried about so we asked the midwife to come back in.

At that point I was starting to want to push. I think they checked how dialated I was, then I was pushing. Two midwives were assisting, catching her. She was very briefly put on my chest and then taken out of the room. I was informed that she had breathed in meconium and was struggling to breathe properly.

She was born at 2.15pm, before the kids had even finished school.

I was....scared, but kind of numb too, like I daren`t think too hard in case I went off the deep end completely and lost my shit.

So me and David were just sitting alone in this labour room eating toast and having a cup of coffee wondering if our baby was dead.

I felt like shit, but Id just given birth so it was kind of expected. I tried to go to the toilet, I managed to stand up but as I did a LOT of blood fell out of me and I hit the deck. I dont remember being lifted or put on the bed, there were suddenly loads of people running around (David had pushed the emergency button).

I really thought I might die, Ive been through a fair amount of scary situations but I think this one was the closest Ive come to not surviving. David held it and me together. I was rushed to a delivery room and they started manually removing clots from my womb (without an epidural) but they couldnt get me to stop bleeding. So it was decided Id have to go to theatre and hopefully stop the bleeding in there.

Luckily I only had to have an epidural instead of a general but it being in theatre again was horrific and not something I ever ever want to go through again.

I was taken to a ward afterwards, Im not sure where david was, I think Id sent him to watch over Dashi. They said I couldnt go and see her until I was more recovered. I was absolutely not having that. I managed to get a nurse to take me to the toilet, sadly because of the epidural and pessary they'd given me I shit all over her (I felt SO bad for her!) but she just cleaned me up and was really professional about it.

So, 10 hours after she was born I finally got to meet Dashi properly. I really cant remember if I held her that night, I think I did, I remember her being placed on me attached to all the wires and things.

The kids came to NICU to meet Dashi while she was still in the incubator, it was all very overwhelming for them. My bestie also snuck herself in by telling the nurses she was my wife and the other mum!

The next couple of days Dashi was kept in NICU because the meconium had caused an infection in her lungs and then the machines they'd had to use to get her to breath caused a hole in her lung to develop.

I walked 19000 steps the first day taking breastmilk to the NICU ward. The only thing I could do was provide milk so I was going to do it SO DAMN WELL. I asked a nurse for something to collect colostrum and she handed us a 5ml syringe....I was like, either give me 10 of these or something bigger XD

Eventually after a few days she was well enough to come out of the incubator and into the mum/baby special care ward with me. Being able to dress her and feed her was amazing. I was really missing home though.

We went home on Sunday, so 6 days in hospital all together. Hizashi Jasmine.

[madam-wakefield]

Open When Chapter 23

A03 Link 

Summary:

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13  Chapter 14  Chapter 15  Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 When a few years into their relationship Bernie is asked to go back to the army and deploy Serena isn’t sure how she’s going to get through the nine months without her girlfriend. What she doesn’t expect is for it to be her girlfriend who has the perfect set of surprises to get her through both the best and the worst days. Canon divergent - Elinor lives (well actually the accident never happens), Raf lives, and Cameron isn’t a total ass! The staff of AAU also probably didn’t all work on there at the same time in canon but do in this! The fic is already fully written with the first few chapters having already been Beta’d. 27 chapters including the epilogue. Hoping to post every Monday and Friday!

Open if…

Serena is confused when Ric Griffin steps into her theatre scrubbed in and tells her to let him take over. There is absolutely no reason for him to be here let alone taking over her surgery.

“Why would I do that?” She questions, genuinely perplexed. “I mean I know I’ve only just started but everything is going fine, and this is definitely much more my expertise than yours.” 

“Serena,” she looks up at his tone and it’s as her eyes connect with Ric’s that she knows something isn’t right. 

“Okay,” Serena concedes unable to control the quiver in her own voice despite knowing nothing. “She’s got…”

“Don’t worry I’ve already checked her file, just go.” There is an air of urgency in Ric’s voice that she isn’t used to hearing expect when it comes to time critical emergency surgery and it does nothing to put her mind at east.  As she washes down, she closes her eyes and breathes, because this cannot be what she thinks it is. 

She instinctively knows to go to her office and as she gets closer, she can see through the blinds and there is her confirmation, stood in her office is a gentleman in uniform. Her mind starts to swirl but she needs to stay focused. She quickens her pace, needs to get into her office and find out what the news is. 

She on autopilot as she walks into the office, shutting the door behind her as the man in uniform instantly holds out his hand. “Ms Campbell I am Captain Brown; do you want to sit down before I continue?” 

She shakes her head, the “no” coming from her lips as if by its own accord, she probably should but she feels rooted to the spot, unsure if her legs would move any further even if she wanted them to.

“I’m here as you are the next of kin of Major Berenice Wolfe.” Serena winces at the name on Bernie’s behalf. “I regret to inform you that as of 7pm yesterday evening she is missing in action.” 

“I, what, I’m …” she can’t formulate words. She isn’t being told Bernie is dead, which she must admit had been her first thought when she’d seen the man, Captain Brown, in her office. But she is being told that Bernie, her partner, the love of her life, is missing in action, but she doesn’t understand. 

“There was an explosion,” Captain Brown begins as if he can read her thoughts. “At the field hospital that Major Berenice Wolfe was working within. Her body armour and ID tags were found within the location of the explosion. There was no body so currently all avenues are being explored.” Serena sways unsteadily on her feet, while miniature scenes of what might have happened to Bernie play in her mind like on a TV screen that she can’t shut off.

The silence stretches on, but in the end, she forces her voice to break through the haze, apologising to Captain Brown to the silence.  

“No need, I understand it’s natural that what I’ve told you is a shock. I’m sorry I don’t come with better news. We will of course keep you informed of any updates at the soonest possible point. I’m afraid I must leave now, I have two more of Bernie’s next of kin to inform, if you happen to know them, can I please ask you give adequate time for me to deliver the news before contacting them.”

She watches as Captain Brown leaves, and it’s as the door clicks and if finalising the conversation that the emotions come. She lets out a truly guttural sob as she instinctively sinks into Bernie’s chair, pulling her legs up to her chest, hugging her arms around herself tightly as if she’s trying to stop herself falling apart. Her Bernie is missing. She had let Bernie go on this tour because Bernie had needed closure, but while the thought had always been there at the back of her mind, she never really imagined losing Bernie. She shakes her head then because Bernie isn’t dead, or she hasn’t been told she’s dead. She’s been told she’s missing. 

It’s while these thoughts are running round her head, tears streaming down her cheeks and body racked with sobs that she feels the hand come to rest on her back. She looks up to see Morven’s eyes full of concern. 

She fights with her own brain, her own mouth trying to force the words to form. “B…b.” She shakes her head, trying to let Morven’s hand which is now rubbing small circles into her back centre her.  

She takes a deep breath before saying “Bernie’s missing in action. Explosion, they’ve found her body armour.” It’s all she can say before she is sobbing again, she doesn’t know how she’s still got tears to give. Her whole-body shakes and she feels like her world has literally turned upside down. 

Morven puts her arms round her then, pulling her to her feet before guiding them both gently into the visitors’ chairs, and she allows herself to be held by her. If anyone has any idea what this feels like it’s Morven, Serena still can’t full comprehend what it must have been like for Morven losing Arthur so soon after they’d found each other. Doesn’t ever want to be in Morven’s position.

She’s not sure how long they sit there before she goes from crying to furious. “She was due home in a little over three weeks. Three bloody weeks. Why now! I know she couldn’t ever promise to come home, but she always promised this was it, that she’d stop after this that she just needed it for closure. Why does she have to be so fucking noble? Why did I tell her she could go? If I’d have said no, she wouldn’t have gone, and she’d be okay.” Serena isn’t sure if she’s raging with herself of Bernie but the outburst helps for a split second before making her feel even worse.

“Serena stop!” Morven’s hands grab hold of her biceps, with a lot more force than Serena is used to from Morven. “You can’t blame yourself for this, Bernie wouldn’t want that!” Wants to yell that she doesn’t know what Bernie would want as she isn’t here to ask her, but knows Morven is speaking the truth. “You let her go because of how much you love her. Plus, you said it yourself she’s missing it doesn’t mean she’s dead.”

Serena battles with her own thoughts for a while. A stream of different concepts battling to be the dominant idea in her brain before all of it is overtaken by the thought of Jason. Knows that she must be the one to tell him about this before it manages to spread through the hospital. Knows only too well that the rumour mill is one of the most efficient parts of the hospital. Before once again being enraged at the idea of something so important spreading through a rumour mill at all. Serena asks Morven to send Jasmine to find him.  When he arrives five minutes later, Jason doesn’t wait for Serena to invite him inside the office or to ask him to sit down, he just does it, because he’s Jason and that’s what he does.

“Bernie’s dead, isn’t she?” She hears him ask like it’s the simplest question in the world. Like that if the answer to that question had been yes, their lives wouldn’t have shattered. But it’s Jason and Serena gets that.

“No Jason, she isn’t dead.” She’s not sure how much her own brain believes that statement right now, but Jason needs to facts. “She’s what they call missing in action.” Serena continues, “Do you get what that means?” She needs to make sure Jason understands this, understands what it all means. What the outcomes might be.

“The army can’t find her?” Jason says looking a little puzzled. “How can you just not find a person.”

Serena presses her fingers to the bridge of her nose; her own emotions are too raw for this, but she has to be the strong one for Jason. Forces herself to find the right words to explain. “It means that there was an accident of sorts, they’ve found some of Bernie’s belongings but not Bernie herself. That’s where it gets a little complicated because they aren’t sure where she went and if they’ll ever find her.

“So, we just have to wait? Bernie might be alive and might be dead and we all we can do is wait?.”

“That’s right Jason” Serena says taking his hand and squeezing it gently.

“But then who is going to watch all the episodes of world’s strongest man with me?”

“Oh Jason,” she says gently, because of course it’s something like that that upsets Jason out of all this, because that’s just who he is. That is the person that Bernie has always accepted where so many never have.

“I will!” Serena says not an ounce of doubt in her voice. It’s quiet again for a while before Jason unexpectedly breaks the silence.

“I miss her Auntie Serena” and Serena’s heart shatters all over again because for Jason to be verbalising such a thing he must be finding it extremely hard.

“I know you do Jason, I do too but we’ll get through this together.” After that Jason is determined to go back to work and finish his shift, Serena lets him do what he needs. She instead stays in the office; not sure she’s ever going to be able to face anything outside of the four walls of their office again.

Later, when she’s been left with her own thoughts for far too long and just before Raf and Fletch are about to take her and Jason home Morven slips into the office again. Serena looks up briefly before continuing to stare at the hands she’s ringing within her lap.

“Serena?” The tone is a question, so she looks up to see Morven sat in her chair.

Something ivory laid upon the desk in-front of her.

She sees Morven take a deep breath and knows she isn’t going to like what she says. “Serena, before Bernie went away, she gave me a variety of things for you and while I have loved giving you most of them this,” she says tapping the envelope “is one I hoped I’d never have to give you.”

Serena watch as the envelope is slid towards her, fingers reaching out to pick it up as soon as it’s close enough. She turns it over in her fingers and as her eyes take note of the words written on it her fists clench tighter, just loose enough not to cause damage to the envelope.

“Serena – Open if I go missing in action.” Her eyes stream with tears without her permission. These envelopes from Bernie have brought her so much joy over the months and now this.

She is quiet for a while then, Serena just letting the tears fall, what’s the point in hiding them. She’s not hiding her grief, not for anyone. “Bernie asked me to give you this if something like this ever happened,” Morven say softy. “But she also told me to tell you, to only open it when you feel ready.” Serena wants to remark it’s a stupid thing to say. Wants to argue that of course she’s ready because this is a letter written by her lover, but it’s exactly the reason she isn’t ready.

Raf and Fletch take her and Jason home after that, Raf driving Serena’s car and Fletch following along behind in his own so that Raf can get home once they’ve dropped them off. Once they’re back Raf and Fletch check they’re going to be okay, to which Serena assures them they are, even if the words sound false to her own ears. How can she ever be okay again?

She keeps her promise to Jason and watches the world’s strongest man with him, but she can’t help but notice he doesn’t delete it off the sky box like he normally would but instead leaves it there. His own little sign of hope that Bernie will one day return home despite the circumstances.

It’s only once Jason is fast asleep that Serena allows herself what she needs. She sits herself in bed, wine bottles on her nightstand, very full wine glass in hand, she pulls her legs up so that as she brings Bernie’s pillow to rest on top of her knees, she can feel the woman surround her with every breath. It’s only then that she removes the picture of Bernie from her nightstand, placing it on top of the pillow. Bringing her thumb to the glass to stroke at Bernie’s face. It’s then that the tears come for the first time since she stepped foot in the house. She doesn’t really make a sound per say, but the tears come and come and don’t seem to stop.

“Where are you Bernie,” she says, long swigs of wine between each word, tears dripping on to the glass of the frame. She doesn’t say anything for a while, drains 3 glasses of wine far too quickly before uncorking a new bottle and filling her wine glass to the rim again.

“If you could see me now,” she says looking at Bernie’s picture. “God knows what could be happening to you.” Her tears quicken again at the thought, and she feels like someone is literally squeezing her chest tight. “Yet here I am drinking myself into an oblivion for the night, so I don’t have to think. Don’t have to miss you.” She knocks back half of the glass then because she maybe several things, but she isn’t a lightweight and one bottle isn’t going to make her forget.

“I know you we never able to promise me you’d come home, that always went unsaid between us because we knew it wasn’t a promise you could be sure to keep. But I always wanted you to stay safe. My brave fearless soldier. I’m not sure if I can do this without you Bernie. I’d never been so sure about anything until I met you. You turned my life upside down, ran and then came back and since that moment I’ve never been so sure that I wanted to spend my entire life with you.” She does it again then, finishes the half a glass of wine, quickly pouring herself another full glass.

“Look at me, like this when you could be anywhere. You could be alive right?” She has to say that to keep the tiniest spark of hope alive. “You could be injured or captured, or god only knows what.” The thought is enough to make her down the entire wine glass and pick up the bottle, she needs to forget. I know you can’t hear me, you’re 3000 miles away after all, but if you have any say, any say at all please stay brave soldier. She moves herself to lie down, head now buzzing from the speed in which she just finished two bottles of wine. She hugs Bernie’s pillow close, laying the photo back on her nightstand to keep it safe, rubbing her fingers along Bernie’s face once more. “Please find a way to come home.”

When she wakes the next morning, the sunlight is streaming through the window and her head hurts. It takes her a second to remember why because she’s meant to be at work today, but then it hits her, and it feels like she’s been doused in icy water. Her Bernie, her brave, amazing courageous Bernie is missing in action, and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever get to see her again. She thinks for a second that maybe it’s a dream, but she looks over to her nightstand, and there it is the letter she isn’t yet ready to open. “Serena – Open if I go missing in action”.

When she’s managed to force herself out of bed and drank two strong cups of coffee she rings Alan, asks if he will have Jason stay so she can have a couple of days to herself. Explains briefly what’s happened, admits that she isn’t coping, and that Jason needs someone who he can lean on right now and that she can’t even be that person for herself let alone Jason. If anyone was to ask her what she does over the next few days she wouldn’t be able to answer she isn’t even sure. She walks around as if she’s a zombie. Emotions going from anger to sadness to fear as if she’s on some sort of out of control merry go round that she just can’t get off. The third morning after she received the news about Bernie, she runs to the bathroom to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She should probably regret drinking herself into oblivion every night but without it she just she can’t sleep.

She opens the medicine cabinet looking for some painkillers and her fingers fall upon the little survival kit Bernie had brought her after her suspension. She bursts into tears again then because how far they’ve come since that moment, her hating on Bernie for babysitting her, yet all Bernie had really been doing was looking out for her. Isn’t that always what Bernie does for her, both during the times she was here with Serena and for the past nine months while she been away. It’s now she thinks that maybe Bernie would still want that for her, even if she isn’t there to do it herself. She takes the painkillers, brushing her teeth before climbing into the shower for the first time in four days.

She gets dressed and actually eats breakfast. She cleans the kitchen and the living room, it’s slowly starting to smell like a brewery. Only once the house is back to her exacting standard does she return to her bedroom, taking Bernie’s letter gently in hand.

She decides to walk to the park, she isn’t exactly in a fit state to drive. Once she arrives, she sits on the bench, the one her and Bernie usually occupy when they come here, the trees are in full bloom, the pink blossom reminding her of Bernie’s stupid pink coat. She removes Bernie’s letter from her bag, and takes her time to trace over her name, the name that Bernie had written there nine months ago or more.

She turns the envelope over and allows herself to gently prise it open. She slips the letter out taking a deep breath before unfolding it.

My Dearest Serena,

I am so sorry you are having to read this letter. It is one of those letters I knew I had to write but never wanted you to read. I’m missing in action, something we always knew was a risk but didn’t ever voice. I don’t know how much you know, how much anyone knows about my situation and for that I’m sorry.

What I need you to know more than anything though is that I love you, undeniably and without waiver. You are the love of my life and the joy you’ve brought me the past three years is more than I ever thought I deserved.

I can’t sit here and write that I promise to come back to you I never have been able to. But what I can promise you is that if I have any say in it whatsoever, I will be doing everything in my power to get back to you. You always tell me how brave I am for having done what I have, but now it’s your turn. It’s your turn to be brave, for me, for Jason, for yourself!

I need you to keep going, I’m not saying that will be easy. But I need you to do it for me because I love you Serena so much, and all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, healthy, and loved. I know you’ll be sad, that’s only natural but I need you to work towards a place where you are okay. Where you don’t blame yourself for any of this, like I know you will at least to start with. I also know Jason will need you now more than ever, and you can’t help him if you aren’t looking after yourself.

Keep my trauma unit going for me, working on AAU with you and having the trauma unit is the only thing outside being an army medic that ever felt right. I’ll never forgot how proud of me you were the day that trauma unit opened. Let it be a legacy, save those people who shouldn’t be able to be saved, be brave in ways other surgeons are too scared to be. Keep that little piece of me there with you always.

Most all Serena please never stop hoping, it’s one of the things I love about you, how hopeful you are. Don’t let anything stop that hope. I know I’ve written it already but please, please remember that I love you with every ounce of my being.

All My Love Bernie,

Your Big Macho Army Medic x

It takes her longer to read than it normally would a letter of that length. She’s not sure how many times she stops. Tears never drying on her cheeks. But she did need it. Needed to know what Bernie wrote for her and wants for her. And she is going to be brave for Jason, for herself and most importantly for Bernie.

She’s doesn’t rush, sits on the bench for a few hours, lingers, just allows her mind to settle. It’s doesn’t stop her worry, but it gives her time to organise her thoughts. Work out what she needs to do now. What she needs to do to help Jason and herself get through this limbo, and that’s what she’s decided it is an unknown limbo. She doesn’t know how long it’s going to last or when it’s going to end but she knows she got to keep battling through. Be brave just like her Bernie is.

She takes her phone out of her pocket, smiling at the picture of her and Bernie on her phone screen that hasn’t filled her with joy in this way for the past four days. Hanssen pushes back at first when she tells him she wants to come back into work in two days time. But she asks him to trust her, explains that right now this is what she needs. Bernie left the trauma unit in her and Raf’s capable hands and she’ll be damned if she isn’t going to keep it running like a well-oiled machine for her. 

Jason comes home the day in between her opening the letter and going back to work. He asks if she’s okay, and while she can’t say she is she does tell him that she needs to be strong for all of them. They spend the evening together eating fish and chips and watching Dr Who reruns. Not a single drop of Shiraz passes her lips, she’s sure she’s drank enough in the past few days to kill her liver off for a month or two. Sleep doesn’t come easily, and she has nightmares of Bernie suffering, nothing specific she can exactly recall in the morning just enough that she isn’t as well rested as she should be for having tried to get a full ten hours sleep. 

She walks onto AAU at 7am precisely, a strong hot coffee in hand. She can instantly see and feel the pitying looks. They remind her of the ones she got when her mum was ill. But she doesn’t want them. What they have here is something her and Bernie built together and she’s going to cherish that whatever the outcome of this limbo. She calls Morven into the office a little later after the ward round, when she feels every single pair of staff eyes on her at least one. 

“You, okay?” Morven questions, and Serena gets it, she was in a very different way sat in this office not even a week ago.  

“Yes, however can you please get the word out that Ms Campbell does not need all the pitying eyes and whispers. She’s here to do her job, run the department and keep Bernie’s trauma unit running like clockwork”. 

The message must get around quickly because next time she leaves the office her staff actually talk to her, ask for her opinion on their patients annoy her just a little by letting their own personal conversations at the nurses’ station go on just a little bit too long.

When the red phone rings Raf just looks at her, she nods confirming that she’ll take the lead, gets him to accompany her though. The surgery is easy enough thankfully, an emergency spleen removal that she could almost perform in her sleep. She knows she’s going to see Cameron at hand over but doesn’t expect him to turn up on the ward fifteen minutes early. She’d not sure which of them initiates the hug but it happens easily.

“Mum’s tough. She’ll be okay you know.” Cameron reassures her while they are still hugging.

“Yes, she will.” Doesn’t know if she gives her response to try and convince herself or Cameron but they both smile as they pull back from the hug.

She goes home that evening knowing she’d made a difference at work and that night she finds it just a little bit easier to fall asleep. It doesn’t stop her wondering where Bernie is and if she’s okay, but it does make it just that little bit easier. After all its thanks to Bernie that they have a trauma unit and she’s going to look after it for as long as it takes.

She keeps herself busy with the same routine, refusing to take a day off. She works long day shifts, it keeps her mind busy, means she doesn’t have the same amount of time to worry. Ric comes to see her a few days after her return. Questions whether she’s doing the right thing working, tells her maybe it would be healthier to take some time off. But she explains to him that right now this is right; she isn’t grieving because she doesn’t need to because Bernie isn’t as far as anyone knows dead. She isn’t going to act like she is. She explains to him that she’s doing exactly what Bernie would want her to do. Carry on with her days, saving patients, performing operations, all the things that come with ease. That the not having time to think isn’t a bad thing, it means she can keep her fears under control. It’s not that she doesn’t think about Bernie, doesn’t worry about her, but she tries to limit it to a healthy amount in the comfort of her own home when she wakes in the morning and when she goes to bed at night. 

The first patient she loses, during this limbo is hard. She’s been back at work three days, a week and a half since Bernie went missing. She knows right now she can’t be the one to inform the family. That really is a little too close to home. She asks Raf to do it, knows in time she’ll come to be able to do it herself, but at this point, and this point in her limbo she needs to lean on those around her too and she’ll do that for as long as her limbo lasts.

[whumpy-bi]

Mechanic

Words: 734

Fandom: Five Nights at Freddy’s

Warnings: mild gore, description of severe injuries, stabbing, blood, major character death

Notes: first thing I’ve ever written with a ‘bad’ ending, lmao. Heavily inspired by Tunnel Vision by St4tic on YouTube, and Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023).

Jay huffed as he finally descended the final flight of stairs on his way into work. He’d done the climb up and down the two dozen flights countless times as he came and left for repairs, but…he still hadn’t quite built up the endurance to not need twenty minutes in his car afterwards.

He grumbled to himself while scanning his ID badge, lamenting the performers and managers who were allowed to use the guest elevator. Evidently, without anyone saying it out loud, lowly mechanics like Jay were beneath being seen alongside the guests. So, it was the twenty four flights of stairs for him and the other unfortunate employees.

Today, though, it was only Jay. Clocking in for routine cleaning on…which one was it? The fox? The chicken thing?

The automated voice above the door was as jarring as ever, cheery and upbeat in a sugar coated way.

“Good morning, Employee 7472! Today, you are scheduled for routine maintenance for Foxy!”

He only grunted in acknowledgment, pacing to the corresponding showroom. This thing was always extra filthy, of course Jay would be tasked with cleaning it on a Monday. The Fox character was almost his height, awkwardly propped up in a chair for him to work on. Its eyes were as dead and lifeless as always, staring ahead past Jay. Its teeth always seemed…sharper, in the dark. He shook off the creeps, frowning. It’s unplugged, dumbass, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Jay muttered to himself as he dug through the cabinet, pulling out the industrial (probably unsafe to inhale) cleaning spray and rag he’d been keeping beside it. “Stupid thing, just collects mold and shit…no wonder the kids are terrified of it, almost wish they’d keep it down here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin. The animatronic had started singing, that stupid copyright free sea shanty it always sang on stage.

Jay found himself freezing, his neck snapping to look back at the Fox—still motionless—as the music continued coming from the speaker hidden in its jaw. A logical part of his brain tried to calm him down—it’s an audio glitch, surely, leftover power from the last time it was switched on. It’s fine.

But the feeling in his gut wouldn’t budge. Something wasn’t right, he could feel it in the cold sweat and intense twists in his chest. Something wasn’t right.

Jay ran before he could think much about it. He’d forgotten about the rag, about the cleaning spray, about the door—something was wrong, and he needed to get out.

He fought his panic and exhaustion to keep his breathing steady as he rushed up the stairs, suddenly very grateful for the harsh overhead lights and flimsy railing as they helped him keep his footing.

To Jay’s credit, he’d made it about halfway up. He refused to stop or slow down, despite the burning in his calves and his throat. Was he imagining a second set of footsteps? Why was he so afraid of looking behind him?

He turned on his foot to ascend to the next flight, and—

Something sharp and strong dug into the flesh of his arm. He began to let out a strangled scream of pain, twisting to try pulling it off.

He only got a glimpse of the Fox’s face before he registered that he was falling.

Jay wasn’t sure how, but he’d managed to move his arms in front of him before he’d hit the concrete floor. Not that it helped much, he thought to himself—he could feel a new, horrifying pain spreading through all his limbs. A freezing sort of agony wove into his arm—the open wound exposed to the frigid air of the basement.

He heaved, struggling to maintain his breathing. Ribs had to be broken, surely. But he had to get up.

His brain fought and strained, trying every method it could to force his muscles to move. To push up, to get him off the floor, to get away from the metallic footsteps that kept getting louder—

He somehow managed to move his neck, despite the extra pressure it caused. The Fox was staring back down at him, still singing that goddamn song.

“Please…” He was really desperate enough to beg. “Please, I—I need hel—“

Another voice stopped Jay’s in its tracks. A deep, imposing command. “End it.”

Jay didn’t have much time to process before the animatronic lunged for his chest.

[softnasty]

and i remember the day after i got to my grandparents' house, monday morning, sitting at the breakfast table, i was supposed to work remotely that day. two days since the news and me hopping on a bus, a train, another train, the métro, another train and getting to the house of my childhood summers. mom picking me up at the train station and i ask her if she's okay and it's the first time, the only time, i hear her reply "no".

monday morning at the breakfast table and my grandfather is emptying my grandmother's wallet to keep himself busy and i want to scream. i want to tell him to not do this at the breakfast table, when i'm trying to have breakfast and keep it together. i watch him open her wallet, take things out. grocery lists. bank cards. and then a small id picture of me a child, seven or eight years old, maybe. and he says "tu vois, tu étais toujours avec elle" or perhaps it was something else. i crumbled but i didn't want to cry in front of you. not yet. it was only monday. we hadn't even planned the funeral yet. it would only be thursday, friday for the cemetery. it was still the in between. the waiting game. you were dead but still here, sort of. like a ghost in this house. it's been only 5 months but i don't remember what my grandfather said exactly that monday morning. i'm sorry i forgot. i'm sorry i hadn't visited or called in almost 3 years. i know why i did it and back in june, at the beginning of my grief, when it had only just started blooming although the word blooming feels wrong, i do not want this thing to take roots or grow, but back then: i thought i was okay with it. i stood that ground with my mom, said i had no regrets. i stood it so fucking hard.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i hope you're okay. i hope you forgive me. i hope you didn't suffer, but you passed in the bedroom where you had lived for 60 years now, not in a hospital bed and i think that's okay. it's okay if you stopped chemo, we will never know but i think you did. i think you did and you didn't want to tell anyone, you just stopped going and accepted that you were going soon, too. you must have known. you must have known it was coming. i hope you were at peace. i'm sorry life was so hard, i'm sorry i was a wonderful granddaughter and then the granddaughter who moved abroad and never called. i'm sorry the generations moved too fast and you never caught up. i'm so sorry.

[the-firebird69]

After Testifying, Trump Is Fined $10,000 for Breaking Gag Order - The New York Times (nytimes.com)

Trump 2024 ballot eligibility moves closer to trial in Colorado (msnbc.com)

and he is an ass nd goes to court in colordo shorty and il lose as if you sy it it happsn, not relaly the way he wants theere are adults doing this not kids. can recall, it. ok whcih came first. idiocy ok. n hawaaii csi turns gross. threats by him and he is there. tons say it we seek him out now. and they get it. lol compete but this is crazy and it is trump is a nutcas. did damage and cant let it go. and crimes. and all see it now he is neurotic about the presidency. so they look and see some of it. ordders and more. now are at it to find it.

finally.

the trial in colorado this coming monday and yes right before halloween. and they wear masks on hawaii. they finally get it. they are taking itall very seriously, far too sereiously. are nuts and assholes. ok severe jerks. so there i a mystery about his presidency and his law breaking and orers and more. so they look to see what he id and laws and omre. found things. regarding our son and ohter stuff. mostly, he is a killer and hurts peope but tons no. about a quarter of the dead no. he is a slime. hits only a few ok orddreed it and did not tell the cia. sentou out usa military. on all. the bodie re assembled and were at the mall. hate him.. need him dead. and shot him and a lot. then tommy f shot them all and trump. it is a weak time here. then trump shot tommy f. and it was a big hit...and the tv had it no. ncis miami. and tommy f said it yoru dead trump. tried and missed shortly trump will be dead. fully.

Thor Freya

Olympus

he is an atrocious killer but only afew and yeah higher ups. we hit the poor shit. he hits higher ups but not really powerfull ones no that is what he says he always does. well no recently now is a dead man. he plays the asian guy, with the b odies they took him out and revived them. he then was hit a lot. tons of times.

[lolosrollercoaster]

so - back on an I need to write this out to process it and I guess im sharing it mood.

So ... been looking for a job since April, took a bit of a break in May but was supposed to be back in it by now but I'm just. exhausted. the depression has come back full force and I'm now lk desperate and financially stressed af.

So anyways, all of these months I kept just mass applying when I could get myself to with the full resume I had - no changes. no tailoring it to an application etc. and then I decided to apply again to this one place in sept - even though last year when I applied I hadn't had much luck, but this time around there was a position very similar to my last one - and I was lk fuck it I gotta do it.

in the mean time I've kinda been going to a psychiatrist since lk august to be evaluated bc I think I might also have ADHD. But anyways she thinks that I need to leave my house, see ppl and rejoin life in order to see if my problems are from lack of doing anything and so my mental health is fucked bc im lk stuck at home feeling useless or if its because of something else - lk idk something is inherently wrong with me lol. I think she'd shit on me if I said that out loud to her. she's kinda cool - lk intimidating cool but not in a bad way. she's just such a no nonsense person and she'll read you lk you're an open book you cant get much past her.

my mom had to go in to share what she'd seen happening with me (aka lk the outsiders perspective of what changes can be seen in me since Ive been mentally fucked) and she was so nervous ahahaha and then in the end she was lk wait do I want an appointment with her for myself? my mom is a whole character. if only y'all knew.

anyways back to the job thing, so she told me to apply to anything, I just needed to get a routine going again. so I applied to a bunch of things. and then I got a message about a grocery store job on indeed and tried to reply but I couldn't help but feel a bit sad bc I thought man I finally got a grown up job and now I'm back to my OG job roots, back to the grocery store life. And honestly I think a lot of my extended family has fucked me up on that bc they're so snobbish about these jobs. ANYWAYS so I didnt hear anything back after I answered them 🤷🏻‍♀️ so I thought ok . and around that time I had stopped applying.

fast forward to the past 2 weeks - my dog got sick, I got sick - we had the worst flu, I've had the worst period of the last few years, ive been out of it, my mom has been out of it, my dog has been out of it - also right - my grandmas death etc. (truly Oct is kinda dead to me now. so yay on that 😭 one less thing to look forward to which is sad when you didn't have much left) but yeah so then I see this email late Friday evening - which shit I usually check my email daily but this time I had forgotten bc id been sick - it was an email from Wednesday from that job I'd applied in sept that was a lot lk the one I'd left earlier in the year. and they wanted to interview me this week - Wednesday or Thursday. I managed to reply as soon as I saw it. and then I got a confirmation that Monday for it - it was an in person interview today.

I tried to prep for it as best as I could while physically dying a bit - bc lk I said been experiencing the period from hell. And yknow what that means? I'm so fucking emotionally wrecked atm- so anyways my dad drove me I somehow managed to be there, I was early, dressed professionally and everything - had even practiced some answers ... and then idk man - I think I fucked it up. They asked follow ups or clarifications of my answers but by the end I wasn't sure how to feel except man definitely didn't get that. they told me they'd make a decision by next week and let me know either way.

and the worse or weirdest part is I've spent the past few days since I found out about it trying to downplay it - lk its fine, you don't need this, if it's for you then it will be for you and if it isn't then it isn't. but I felt so sad walking out - lk idk I just got that feeling that they didn't like me. so now I'm all sad - even if all I've felt recently is that idgaf anymore and I'm ok with just dying - bc yup I got that passive suic*dal ideation down to a routine now. anyways - if anyone has any words of encouragement I'll take them but yeah I am sad .... and I have little to nothing left to give. it's been draining to say the least. and the worst part is I know my parents are just going to be encouraging and even my psychiatrist -she told me that I would get a job and it wouldn't matter who and if for some reason I didn't get something I should just think of it "well they weren't capable of seeing how great you are and what an asset you'd be to their team and that's fine because that just means it is not the job for you" but it still makes me sad know? I have trouble letting go of things and I'm way too hard on myself so it's just - A LOT.

anyways thats my life update.