#if this leads to another depressive episode like the last one i'm gonna be so sad

[thatsthewrongwallcraig]

I know you wrote for Kappa/Euro. Hear me out.. could you write for Euro/Dead from lords of chaos? No one writes for jack kilmer and it drives me insane‼️😭

Pure Fucking Armaggedon

Summary: In the midst of a heavy night of partying with the Black Circle, you crave your boyfriend's attention but just like so often lately, he's very much not interested, leading you to meet your needs somewhere else…

Pairing: Dead x fem!Reader x Euronymous

Word Count: ~3.7k

Content Warnings: Trve Kvlt Smvt 18+!, Talk About Depression/Mental Illness, Talk About Self-Harm, Very Angsty, Hurt/Comfort...ish, Alcohol, Smoking, Cheating…But With A Twist, Fingering, Unprotected P In V, Creampie, Pet Names

A/N: Hi, anonnie! Thank you very much for this ask <3 Before everybody jumps into my inbox about Jack Kilmer: Please don’t, okay? He’s not tickling my brain like Rory does and I’d hate to let y’all down by having requests sitting in my inbox collecting dust 🖤 However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having a lot of fun writing this chaos!

Massive thanks to @spookyorchid for endlessly entertaining my rambles and inspiring me!

Disclaimer: This is solely based on the characters depicted in Lords Of Chaos!

Tagging the horny horde:

@crypticsewerslut @quicksilversg1rl @cc-luvr @icarus-star @milaeth @roryculkinsgf @spookyorchid @arch1viste @whoareyoi @angelsanarchy @blueberrypancakesworld @rocketqueen-world @lifelessvessel @doddernix @svgarcaine @amayalul @basementgrl222 @kristennero-wallacewellsver @iiheartsai @fan-goddess @shady-the-simp

Could you stomach it anymore

Could you stand to be a breath away

Can you feel the way your face distorts

Did you think that it could be this way

- Stomach It By Crywolf

Your upper lip twitched a little as your gaze darted right into your boyfriend's chestnut-coloured eyes. In a rather stark contrast to yours, Pelle's expression was indifferent whilst he stared back at you, face smeared with a now gray amalgamation of once black and white corpse paint.

"Sorry…" He muttered, his voice lacking the depth and sympathy to really sell his point.

"No…it's, it's okay, really. It makes no sense to pressure yourself when you're not in the mood, no." You shrugged your shoulders at him, very much meaning what you said whilst you still felt that massive rock of repeated disappointment settling down in your stomach.

"I'm gonna go grab another beer then…can I get you something?" Pelle shook his head lightly.

"No, but thanks. I think I should just go to sleep now." The Swede with the long blonde hair allowed himself to slump deeper down into the old, worn out sofa, crossing his arms in front of his chest and with that not just verbally but also physically blocking you out.

"Nighty then…" You mumbled, turning away from your boyfriend to hide just how hard you fought to keep your composure.

Neither the heavy leather jacket, the edgy metal studs and spikes all over nor your trusty Darkthrone shirt hugging your torso were able to shield you from the emotional hurt raging inside of you. It's been months since Pelle last touched or so much as kissed you on the mouth. You knew just fine that something wasn't alright with him, that he was going through an episode again and the last thing you intended on doing was putting any blame for that on him but fuck was it challenging you this time. It didn't go past you how the I love you's had become more and more scarce, how he turned his back to you at night whilst you stared at the ceiling hoping for the oncoming episode to wash over him in a few, swift weeks but his current black hole of depression was unlike anything before. You hardly recognised your boyfriend anymore and felt like nothing but an accessory to the whole band persona he'd put up to cover up how much he was actually hurting on the inside.

To not come off as a soft, little crybaby to everybody else, you stifled your breath and wiped the emerging gush of tears from your lower lash line as fast as you could before making your way out to the densely crowded yard again. Empty bottles of beer lined the way whilst partially smoked-up cigarettes laid scattered all over, the heavy smell of a raging bonfire filled the crisp night breeze. Whilst almost violently looking to the ground to avoid anybody seeing you being about to burst into tears, you rushed to one of the cooling boxes to grab a beer or preferably something stronger. A sense of recklessness washed through you as you dug a deeply green, still halfway full glass bottle from the cooler. Jägermeister would serve you just fine right now.

Armed with the strong booze, you went right back into the house, hiding yourself away from all the action to simply get drunk in peace and solitude.

"Ugh…" Your whole body quivered as the herbal liquor shot down your throat, drenching your mouth in its bitter taste.

Right after the sensation eased up a little, you chased the first swig with a second, deeper one, the alcohol burning its way through your stomach before you'd even reached the corner of the house that could be described as a guest room to slump down on an array of dusty mattresses. With the intense warmth of heavy liquor washing through your body, you curled yourself up, shoving an old pillow underneath your head and before you really realized it, vagrant, quiet tears trickled from the corners of your eyes, pooling at the tear duct to eventually swap over the bridge of your nose. If you were honest with yourself, you felt sick of it, sick of being ignored and pushed away but at the same time you just couldn't bring yourself to point the finger at Per. He simply didn't choose this way of being and feeling yet it felt like he wasn't even trying anymore…which, again, would just be another symptom. You sighed in defeat before treating yourself to another numbing mouthful of booze.

Allowing the tears to just run down your face at their very own pace, you simply wanted to get drunk as fast as possible but even that wouldn't be granted to you, a gentle knock on the slightly ajar door pulling you from your thoughts.

"Huh?" You muttered, sitting up straight again and wiping the wetness from your cheeks.

"Hey…are you okay?" The familiar voice belonging to Øystein asked.

His head peaked through the open door, a messy bunch of black hair framing his face in wavy strands.

"Saw you rushing through the yard and thought checking up on you wouldn't hurt…" He slid his lean statue through the small opening, stepping towards you before crouching down to meet your gaze.

"See? That's part of the problem…you, you care and Pelle just…he just sits there." The words blubbered out of you in an uncontrolled rush accompanied by a new surge of hot tears.

"Hey now…", Euronymous quickly sat down, tucking the frizzy hair behind his ears, "What's going on, hm?"

"I'm so sick of this shit, Øystein… I can't help him, I can't fix him and he just pushes me away time and time again. I'm so done with this bullshit." It practically gushed out of your mouth in a poorly choked-back wail.

"There's a whole horde of people out there, Euro, yet I feel so terribly fucking lonely all the time. Everybody's cheering for Mayhem and for Dead, going on about how fucking cool and true he is for what he's doing to himself on stage but you know what?", You tried to stifle your shaky breaths, "It's not cool. None of it. It's actually fucking terrifying…and it's me who's got to stitch him back to gether every damn time."

With every one of your words, Øystein's eyes widened a little more, partly in understanding about just how much his friend was dragging you through but also in plain sympathy for you.

"Come'ere, yeah? C'mon…if it helps you can squeeze me as hard as you want to, okay?" Euronymous spread both his arms, inviting you in for a tight hug.

Not wasting a second thought on it, you leaned in, wrapping your shaking hands around his shoulders to squeeze and press as tightly as you could.

"There you go…that's it, right there." Euronymous encouraged you, the palms of his broad hands resting at the back of your head to soothe you with gentle pets and strokes.

"I wish I could help you but none of us really gets through to him anymore…I'm so sorry." Øystein sighed into the curve of your neck, the tip of his nose almost touching the cold, black leather of your jacket.

"I don't even know what's going on with him anymore. Everything is just so terribly wrong and I don't know how much longer I can do this shit, Euro, I really don't." You sniffled, inevitably having the vastly different scent of Euronymous right in front of you sneaking up into your nostrils.

Unlike Pelle, he smelled like stale cigarette smoke, cheap aftershave and beer…maybe not exactly a crowd pleaser but you found comfort in it.

"It's okay. I don't judge you." He whispered to you in a soft tone and it threatened to break you apart from the inside.

"Thank you…", You croaked into his hair, your voice getting weaker with every letter, "I feel so shitty for thinking about it like that but…but I'm so goddamn tired. I-...I just wanna feel loved again."

"To remind you…there's a whole horde of people out there who love you." He tried to cheer you up but ultimately missed the point.

"Not…not like that. Ugh, I sound stupid…" You felt the need to take the words straight back and to just go with Øystein's attempt of calming you.

"No, you don't, seriously.", Euronymous led his fingers to get lost in your hair, fingertips softly stroking across your scalp down to the nape of your neck, "I can't imagine how you came up with enough energy to stay this long in the first place. We both know it's not his fault, neither is it yours or mine but we've all been watching you breaking away because of him. You're not smiling anymore, not screaming your lungs out at the gigs, you're barely even here anymore…he's eating you up."

"I can't just leave, Øystein…" You gradually loosened your death grip around his torso to lean back, your face wet with slowly subsiding tears.

"I know…all I'm saying is that it might be time to think about yourself a little more. It won't help anybody if you get lost in his chaos, too." Before you could raise your own hand to wipe the sleeve of your jacket across your face, Euronymous was already on it, his thumb brushing over your cheek.

Whilst taking a deep breath to steady yourself a bit more, the two of you just stared at each other for a moment. You followed how he slightly grinded his teeth together, jaws clenching, withholding something you couldn't quite decipher.

"Øystein?" You furrowed your brows a little, the feeling of something being violently off ebbing through your chest.

"I'm sorry…" That's all he offered to you before cupping your face with the full length of his palm and leaning in to press an anything but timid kiss to your trembling lips.

A part of you, the voice of reason within, practically screamed at you to pull away, to scurry back and to let this go down as nothing but an awkward, boozy, little slip-up, but you didn't move by just an inch as the pungent taste of smoked cigarettes and cheap beer swept into your mouth alongside Euronymous' daring tongue. You simply let it happen, allowed him to slip his tongue into your mouth and intoxicate you with the dangerously addictive feeling of being wanted, desired by someone.

"Fuck…" You groaned into the nearly bruising kiss, hands reaching out to claw at his utterly worn out Venom shirt to pull him closer to you.

Catching the notion that he had dared to make the right move at the right time, Øystein's palm left your face, both hands roaming over your back down to your ass to simply scoop you into his lap, your legs wrapping themselves around the cold of his bullet-shell belt as the hem of your washed-out, gray denim skirt rode up generously over your fishnet-stocking covered thighs.

"I got you…just hold on to me." Euronymous muttered, trying to catch his breath a little whilst his fingers dug themselves into the curve of your behind, causing you to whine out as you arched your hips impossibly close towards his crotch.

The aching need to feel just something again practically pulsed through every nerve ending and every muscle, pulling you into his tight grasp and for your hands to slip under the soft fabric of his shirt, skin against skin leaving you to crave more. Whilst one of his hands left it's place cupping your ass to hurry down between your bodies, awkwardly fumbling with the buckle of his belt before almost violently pulling down the zipper, a short but heavy pang of guilt jolted through your ribcage, nearly causing you to flinch on the spot. Nothing about this situation at hand was right or somehow, in some crooked way, justifiable to you and yet you made not a single move to stop any of it from happening. You didn’t grasp for Øystein's hand as it hushed from his unzipped pants amidst your legs, the sound of your tights tearing and ripping thundering in your ears, right before curious fingertips brushed over thin lace panties, no. The only reaction it pulled from your body was a needy moan.

"Right there, yeah?" You heard the smirk in his tone without even needing to see it.

Nodding softly, you placed your mouth back onto his, teeth teasingly grazing over his bottom lip.

"Bet that feels even better, babe." At first you didn't know what struck you harder, the endearing pet name or Euronymous' fingers snaking past your slip, dipping right into your soaked folds to draw achingly slow circles around your entrance.

"Please…" You hummed into the kiss, your forehead leaning against his.

"Please, what?", He inquired, fingertips prodding and nudging against your cunt, "Want me to fill you up, no? Such a greedy little thing."

You choked back a whine as Øystein withdrew his hand from your slip to shove the fabric to the side, fingers freeing his rock-hard cock from the confines of his shorts right before thrusting into you with a precise rock of his hips against yours.

"Oh, fuck…" Your moan got lost in his mouth, the delicious feeling of being stretched out so harshly rippling through you.

"How long has it been, huh?" He pushed, drilling himself into you until it threatened to hurt.

"I dunno…four months, maybe five." You couldn't stop your eyes from fluttering shut, the burning heat of arousal and shame creeping into your face in equal parts.

"Yeesh, couldn't leave a girl like you untouched for that long." Euronymous huffed, his other hand steadying your posture with his palm flat against your back as he started rolling his hips, practically bouncing you on his cock.

With your entire body flush with the sensation of Øystein spearheading into you in a firm pace, the last bit of your coherent brain busy muffling and holding back desperate mewls and whimpers, you rendered completely oblivious to what was happening around you…unlike the black-haired guitarist. From the very corner of his eyes, Øystein's attention got pulled towards the semi-open door, the old, wooden floor in front of it creaking treacherously. Just by the way a well familiar pair of thoroughly worn out combat boots barely peaked across the lines of the door frame, he knew that the both of you had been caught right in the act but he didn't so much as even bother to stop from guiding you up and down his throbbing hard on.

"You at least got yourself off here and there, no?" You shook your head.

"Didn't feel right. I- I just hoped things would get back to normal…" You groaned, the sensation of Euronymous' cock stroking over that extra sensitive spot inside of you sending cold, little shivers down your spine.

"Oh, love, then I better make sure to give it to you better than Per ever could…lazy fucker." Øystein scoffed more to his friend and singer hiding next to the door frame than to you but you didn't take any notice of that, your senses way too busy with just keeping it together.

For a moment, Øystein felt actual and very real rage gushing through him. Anger towards his friend for being such an oblivious prick regarding the suffering and all-round neglect he was dragging you through. It was a terribly self-righteous emotion, that he knew for sure, however, he couldn't help himself but to let it fuel the way he rutted into you, burying himself as deep as possible inside of your wet pussy.

The rather morbid thing both of you failed to take notice of was what Dead was doing hidden away in the shadows of the hallway, the crushing humiliation not only going straight to his heart but to his awfully throbbing cock as well, the bitter-sweet masochistic rush leading him to palm himself through his trousers whilst biting down on his fist to not let just one singular sound escape from his twitching lips. The Swede was shamelessly jerking himself off to you getting railed by his closest friend.

"Gonna take good care of you, babe." Øystein groaned in a lust-riddled tone, both of his hands now closing down around your hips to hammer your form onto his cock with every jut and snap of his hips.

It had you bashfully nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck, the cigarette smoke soaked leather of his jacked cold against your cheek, whilst you still clawed at his sides underneath his shirt.

Your fingers dug into his skin as you felt your walls starting to flutter and contract around Øystein's hard on, the first crushing jolts of your pent-up orgasm rippling through your body, senses being sent into blissful overdrive.

"Good girl…fuck, pulling me in so hard now, huh?" Euronymous' voice cracked and eventually faltered just like the rolls of his lap against yours.

"Issok…", He talked you through your release, shoving himself balls deep into your spasming cunt before flooding your insides with white-hot ropes of his seed, a guttural groan ripping itself free from the depths of his lungs, "Just let yourself go. I gotchu."

The earth-shattering sensation of all the pent-up sexual desperation mixed in with shame and crushing guilt washing through your system had you biting down on his leather-clad shoulder, a fresh surge of tears threatening to swap over your lower lash line at any second.

"Aw, shit." A sore croak from outside the room led both of you to turn your heads so suddenly that it nearly gave you whiplash.

"The fuck?!" You shrieked out, practically jumping from Øystein's lap whilst he was equally busy with tucking himself back in and getting off the mattress.

"I got this!" Euronymous tried to calm you, awkwardly stumbling away from you before tearing the door open and vanishing into the dark hallway.

For a split second your overworked synapses tried to get a vague grasp on what was going down. Feet were hammering down stairs, noisy commotion erupted from inside the house before the sound of shattering glass and incomprehensible screaming and shouting filled the yard.

"Oh fuck no…" You huffed under your breath, wobbly legs nearly giving out as you tried to pull yourself from the mattress.

As soon as you stood upright again, you felt Øystein's load oozing out of you, soaking the flimsy fabric of your slip with every step you took. You dreaded the scenario that was unfolding outside because the yelling didn't seem to die down but much rather escalate further.

"You fucking traitor!" Pelle's raspy voice cut through the night air, hitting you as soon as you slid out the front door.

"Fucking traitor?!", Øystein spat right back whilst your eyes scanned the scenery anxiously, "You're the spineless loser, Per!"

"You fucked my girlfriend, Øystein!" Dead yelled and with his words you noticed Metallion and Jan Axel staring right at you, nothing but drunk confusion washing over their faces.

"And you pathetic fuck got off to it!" Euronymous had to duck down to dodge an empty beer bottle being sent his way.

"You what?!" You directed the question right at your boyfriend before you noticed a tell-tale damp and soaked-through spot right around his zipper.

"Yes, please tell her how you stood outside the room jerking off to your girl breaking down in front of me, Per!" Your bewildered stare rushed towards Øystein now.

"Huh? You…you saw him or what now?!?" The guitarist shrugged his shoulders and nodded.

"What the fuck is going on in here?" Jan Axel tried to intervene but both Per and Øystein shushed him almost simultaneously.

"You shut the fuck up!" Pelle sneered, looking like he was about ready to throw one of the plenty empty bottles of beer after his drummer too.

"No.", You huffed, wrapping your leather jacket around your torso to shield you from the creeping cold, "He actually got a point, because…what the hell?!"

"Pumpkin, I can explain, I promise." Per raised his hands in a soothing manner but you didn't feel like having any of it.

"Don't you dare sweet-talk me now, Pelle! You've been pushing me away for months but…you get off to, well, this?" You indirectly confirmed all that had been happening between Øystein and you.

"No. Just no. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck this shit. I'm not even remotely drunk enough to deal with this shitshow right now." To undoubtedly cement your point, you took a few swift steps toward Øystein who was looking at you with wide eyes as you fished for the pack of cigarettes in his pocket, drawing one for yourself before deliberately putting it to your lips.

"Yes, I fucked Øystein.", You threw your hands into the air after lighting the cigarette, "Maybe I should've done that much sooner, who knows?"

The last sentence was solely aimed to hurt Per as much as he had hurt you.

"Fucking hell, I'm so sick of all this dysfunctional shit…", You just shook your head before heading back inside, "Better none of you disrupt the date I have with a piss-warm bottle of Jägermeister now or you fucking bet I'll cut your dick off!"

[dragonfirerogue-writes]

Could you maybe do a jade x gn or ftm reader where they have been close friends for a while, even secretly hooking up whenever jade feels lonely (e.g. after the beck&tori anti-date, in the car at the end of the moose episode). R falls in love with jade but feels like a second choice, so they tell her they need some space to get over her, since she does not want a romantic relationship. Jade misses r and realizes she loves them, so she sings the song an the fullmoon thingy to them (instead of beck) and that's how they "come out" as a couple to the rest of the school? Sorry it's so long, it's just been stuck in my head for a while now. Thank you, and i love your work!

Jade x GN!reader

The sound of your text tone for Jade pulls you from your studying. Taking a look, you sigh at the words.

'Im coming over'

This seemed to be happening more and more often. You and Jade have been friends for years. When you were both starting to explore your sexualities, you were naturally drawn to each other. Then Jade started to date others, eventually leading to Beck. She stopped coming to you for a while after that. At least for the sex part. But every once in a while, whenever Beck and her were broken up, she would go back to you. And as much as it makes you feel used, you always welcomed her with open arms. Why?

You had fallen in love with her.

But you were never the first one in her life anymore. It became Beck, Cat and even Tori. You were benched until she needed something from you. It started to affect you mentally, leaving you depressed whenever she left your side to go back to whoever.

Bringing you out of your reverie, a knock signals the arrival of your guest. Of course she couldn't use the door like a normal person. As soon as you open your window, her lips are on yours. Even with eyes closed, she leads you to the bed and pushes you down, immediately climbing on top and stripping down.

"Jade..."

"No. No talking." She pulls at your shirt. "I need this now." She descends upon you and kisses you once more. With a sigh, you relent for now and let your hands roam her body. One last time wouldn't hurt.

-----+++++-----

Jade lays satisfied on your bed. You had already gotten up to help clean you and her off. Once done, you sat back on your chair, wearing your pajamas once more.

"Ready to talk now?" It was routine by this point.

"What, no cuddling this time?" Jade had that smirk you love so much. But seeing it now hurts.

"Jade."

She let out a groan and flops further into your bed. "Just another argument with Beck. We broke up again. He's been such a gank lately."

"Why do you even stay with him if you're always fighting?" You knew the answer to this, but you had to hear it from her. Maybe the answer will change this time.

"I told you, he's my safe place. He's always been there. He's my person."

Yeah, it didn't hurt any less than the first time. Jade gave you an odd look suddenly and you realize that you let out a scoff.

"Something funny, Y/N?" Now or never, you guess.

"Not funny, but really Jade? He's your person? What am I then, chopped liver?"

"Oh c'mon. You don't count."

"Why not? What am I to you, Jade?"

The goth pauses at that. She couldn't understand where this was coming from. You two had a good thing going. Why is it a problem now? Seeing her pause made you sigh. You run your hands over your face.

"Look... I don't think we should do this anymore."

"Wait, what?" She sits up, immediately grabbing her clothes to put on. "Why?"

You mulled over her question. You wonder if it's a good idea to relay your feelings. Would an excuse make her leave you alone? No, you were always honest with Jade. There's no reason to stop now.

"I... I really like you, Jade. And it just feels like I'm never gonna be your first choice." She stares at you, halfway into her pants. Her breath hitches slightly, but you don't catch it. "So if that's gonna be the case, I'd rather nip it in the bud now." Your eyes meet Jade's ocean ones. "Just give me time and I'll get over it... Eventually."

Jade feels surprisingly numb. She doesn't even say anything. She just leaves. The next thing she knew, she was home, in bed with a pillow in her arms. Why does it feel like she just got broken up with?

-----+++++-----

It was strange going to school and not seeing you. Jade was so used to you greeting her almost immediately. Even when she went to her locker, you weren't around. The first one to see her was Cat.

"Hey, Cat. Have you seen Y/N?" The red-head just shrugs.

"They're usually with you first, right? Haven't seen them yet."

It continues like this for the rest of the day. Jade started to wonder whether you even went to school. It wasn't until the end of the day did she see you with another group of friends.

Her heart clenches.

You were laughing with them. Your smile was one she realized that she hadn't seen in a while. You leaned into touches that weren't from her. Did you get over her that quickly? She didn't even get a chance to win you back.

That thought made her freeze. Win you back? You weren't together. You were friends with benefits. Good benefits if she would say so herself. Why was seeing you smile like that with other people making her feel this way? Jade turns away with a huff and walks away. She wasn't dealing with this right now.

You didn't even look at her.

-----+++++-----

It's been a couple weeks and Jade was going insane. She kept seeing you everywhere at school and you didn't even so much as glance at her. Her frustration made her friend terrified to talk to her. Only Tori was brave, or dumb, enough to speak up.

"Jade?" The goth's eyes shoot over to her, making the Latina jump. "M-maybe you should talk to them. Ya know, say you miss them or something." Jade's eyes trail back over to you. Bolstered by Tori, Beck speaks up.

"Look, Jade. You know that we aren't gonna work out." Her eyes bore into him this time, but he's unaffected. "Think about it. Y/N's been by your side and dealt with you screwing with them for years." He takes her shoulders and gives it a shake. "Why did you keep going back to them?"

She looks away from him, processing his question. Quite suddenly, it hits her. Jade's eyes widen and she whips her head over to you. A girl leans far too close to you while laughing and it makes her blood boil. Now she knows why.

Jade loves you. She loves you and now she's on the cusp of losing you before she even got to have you. Questions flood her brain. Do you still want her? If so, how was she going to tell you she cares about you? Would you even take the chance if presented?

An idea pops into her head. It was a risk, but for you, it was worth it.

-----+++++-----

You were doing well. You made sure to keep Jade out of sight. While it helped a bit to keep her out of mind, she still found a way to invade your brain. When someone was flirting with you, you wished it was Jade instead. When they touch you, your memory makes it Jade's. It was a hard process, but you are determined to see it through.

Even now, you're on a date with this girl at the Full Moon showcase. You're enjoying your time with her. Laughs and touches accent the fun time you're having. It was almost enough for you to forget about Jade. That is until you start hearing the rift of a guitar. You and your date turn to the stage and you see Jade walking up to the microphone. Her eyes find yours before glancing next to the girl next to you. She bites her lips when she turns back to you before taking a breath.

You think you know me

but you don't know me

You think you own me

But you can't control me

You listen to the lyrics. You're sure that this was directed at you. Taking a glance at your date, you see that she's rocking out to the song. When she notices you looking, she smiles but it drops when she sees your face.

"Sorry."

That's all you say before standing up and walking towards the stage. Towards Jade. Her eyes stare into yours as she sings. You stare back, face impassive as you try to gauge her sincerity.

I'm dangerous, I'm warning you

But you're not afraid of me

And I can't convince you

You don't know me

And the longer that you stay

The ice is melting

And the pain feels okay

It feels okay...

It's then that you smile at her. Her relief is palpable when she goes into the end of the song with gusto. When the song ends, she watches as you walk up the stage and stands by her. Cautiously, she brings her hands up to your face. When you lean into the caress, she lets out a laugh of relief and pulls you into a kiss. You vaguely register the audience's applause but it soon fades away the longer Jade's lips are on yours.

You part when you're both ushered off stage by Sykowitz and you find a corner to be alone in. Jade is the first to speak.

"Look, I know I've been a gank to you, but I want to try this. I want to make this work." She takes a deep breath. "I... I love you."

Your heart stutters. A fond smile graces your lips. It's no surprise that you lean in close and whisper those words back before kissing her again and again.

[tinamaetales]

You’re not sorry

“So you’re apologizing…..Ok, I don’t forgive you……No, I’m not gonna give you closure. You don’t get that. You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it’s never, ever going to be okay……I’m not gonna feel better and I’m not gonna be your prop so you can feel better” - Herb Kazaz, BoJack Horseman Ep. 8 Season 1 “The Telescope”

It has been five years since the last time I stepped foot inside my Psychiatrist's office and now looking back there's a part of me that screams I should have continued my therapy....but the thing is I really cannot afford it. And now, I have become messier than ever. My depression got worse and I'm just trying to survive each day. That's the keyword, trying. I used a lot of distractions though, good and bad. Good distractions are the music of my fave, iKON, and watching Miami Heat games. Bad distractions are spending an awful amount of time watching tiktoks of those who are as mentally ill as I am because instead of going to therapy we just rely on the internet to have some sense of belongingness especially when you feel like no one is really on your side. And I do feel that most of the time......I feel like no one truly understands and no one actually believes that I am struggling badly. I'm mentally unstable despite the fact that I do not have a proper diagnosis about my condition. I just know. Why? Because it's my mind and my body. I can feel it. For fuck's sake, I live with it.

What I noticed in our society is that it is easier to doubt someone who is vocal about their struggles instead of believing them and supporting them. It is easier for our society to gaslight someone into thinking that they are just allowing themselves to be weak instead of understanding them. And when someone decides to end their life, it's either people would finally get it and feel remorseful that they should have seen the signs or they would still say that the generation of today is just not mentally strong enough to handle life. And then there's another scenario, someone will be badly mentally fckd up that they end up being a horrible person then they will treat others horribly too. Hurt people will hurt people and so the cycle never ends.

As I mentioned earlier, I used a lot of distractions as I try to live each day. For someone like me who hates going outside and prefers to be alone, binge watching shows on streaming apps is a form of distraction. I’m not really picky when it comes to movies or series that I watch though, I just want the plot to make sense and not be over the top with so many plot twists and unnecessary “different” endings. One of the series I ended up loving is BoJack Horseman. 

BoJack Horseman is not an easy to watch show. Yes it started as a quirky show about a former lead star of a successful 90s sitcom but as it progressed, it showed the harsh reality of the entertainment industry and how not being held accountable for your fuckery can make you a monster. It's crazy because BoJack as the main character of this show is not likable at all (at least for me). Throughout the show you kinda cheer for him to get better and grow up but then he always ends up disappointing you. However, knowing his history, especially with the kind of family he has, you can't help but feel some empathy for him. I guess that's the thing about main characters, despite the flaws you still want them to become triumphant in the end because somehow you can see a version of yourself with them. But how long can a person tolerate one's behavior? I do not want to label myself as a good person because I know that I am far from that but there is a certain part of me that knows how to forgive especially if they are deserving. However, when someone refuses to be held accountable for their mistakes and refuses to see how toxic they are does it really make me the bad one here if I chose not to forgive?

The show has six seasons and 77 episodes but I did not feel that it was long because the execution of the episodes are great. There are a lot of episodes which make me feel uneasy about how close they hit home. But for this blog post I will be discussing two scenes from two different episodes because these two scenes are about the topics of accountability and forgiveness: The Telescopes from ep 8 of season 1 and It’s You from ep 10 of season 3. 

Have you ever met someone who is too full of himself? A person who obviously has issues in life but does not exert efforts in making himself become better and instead use their difficult past as an excuse for being a shitty person? A person who does not want to be held accountable for their mistakes and people around him tolerated him so he never learns? Well that’s my father. Also, that is who BoJack Horseman is. But if we are going to make this a competition about who is worse then my father is definitely winning this contest, unanimously. While watching the show, I cannot help but see parts of my father in BoJack Horseman especially in episodes “The Telescope” and “It’s You” Both of those episodes have confrontation scenes with a friend of BoJack (Herb in episode 8 season 1 and Todd in episode 10 season 3) who refused to accept his apology and want him to be held accountable for his actions. And I both agree with them.

For context, in the “The Telescopes” episode, Bojack apologized to his friend Herb for betraying him years ago. He chose to protect his career instead of standing with Herb. And he even further that betrayal when he did not contact him for so many years. Now that he learned that Herb has cancer, he decided to visit him and apologized and I like that Herb refused to accept such a self serving apology. The quote above was what Herb told BoJack after he apologized. I like the way he emphasized how BoJack is only apologizing now so he can have closure and to make himself feel better. Because horrible people do that. They will only apologize so that their guilt will not eat them up especially when their apology gets accepted. But the damage has been done, right? Just like what the famous saying states, the ax forgets but the tree remembers. What’s the point of accepting an apology if it does not make you feel better but will only make the jerk feel better coz “yey, finally!” their shitty actions were forgiven. Those kinds of apologies are self-serving. They ended up fighting and then Herb said this line (I really like this one, thank you writers!) “You know what your problem is? You wanna think of yourself as the good guy. Well I know you better than anyone and I can tell you that you’re not. In fact, you’d probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you’re a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants and doesn’t give a shit about who he hurts. That’s you. That’s BoJack Horseman” Now, that’s the kind of wake up call that someone like BoJack deserves to hear. He deserved those words because they are true, he’s a coward. He always blames others or the circumstances to make himself feel better instead of owning up to his mistakes. 

Another episode I mentioned here is the 10th episode from season 3 of the show and here is some context: Todd and BoJack had a confrontation. BoJack was mad that Todd did not want him to become a nominee for the Oscars and then Todd was mad that BoJack slept with Emily (the woman Todd dated). But honestly, I think it was really not the Emily thing that Todd was mad about but rather all the other things BoJack did, like when he sabotaged Todd’s opera, and they all piled up so Todd ended up bursting at that moment. BoJack said “I’m sorry, I screwed up” to which Todd replied with “You can’t keep doing this! You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!” BoJack tried to reason out so Todd followed it up with “You are all the things that are wrong with you. It’s not the alcohol or the drugs or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid. It’s you” This is another “calling out” that BoJack deserves because he just keeps on doing shitty things and then feels bad about it for himself but does not actually do things to make things right. At some point, as a friend you will just get tired of someone like him. And while there’s an argument about what led to this confrontation with Todd is not something that Todd himself should be mad about, I saw that scene as a way of having Todd as the “representative” of all the other people that BoJack treated badly. In that scene, he was being called out for a lot of things he did not just related specifically to Todd.

So now we start the discussion about my father. Actually every time I typed the words “my father” I felt disgusted. I hate being associated with him. I hate the fact that we share the same DNA. I just hate him. And before the moral police come here and yell “But he is still your father!” please hear me out first. A child will not resent or hate their own parent if the said parent was not horrible. And that’s my main issue. My father was a horrible person to us. Actually an entire year is not enough for me to tell the entire story of how horrible he was and why he’s the reason my mother, my sister and I are all fcked in the head now. He treated us horribly but always gave the reason that he’s older so he knows better. He always used the “parent” card and always used the “I provided you food, I sent you to school….” monologue as a justification to his behavior. He’s the kind of person that should have never become a parent and a husband in the first place. He’s a hurt person and he ended up hurting others too - he hurt us. His decisions in life always end up with the rest of the family suffering the most. He had this mantra that since he had it difficult growing up, his children should also not have it easy in life. The latest shitty thing he did is getting a housing loan that he cannot afford just so he can brag to his mother. And when he experienced a difficult time getting employment, I ended up using my bonuses and even acquired a loan just so we can pay for this house because he promised to pay me back once he gets another contract again (he’s a seaman). But then he never did. He was aware of this. He was aware that employment in his career would wither as he aged but he did not care. He still continued with that loan despite objections from us; hell, that jerk was even mad that we were telling him not to buy a house. And fast forward to today, I have no savings and I have a loan too. You might be wondering where he is? Back in his hometown, chilling. He can even sleep peacefully at night while snoring while me, on the other hand, is more mentally fcked up than ever. As I mentioned earlier, he did a lot of shitty things to us but that housing loan was just the most recent. So the “calling out” scenes from BoJack Horseman were some of my favorites from the show because those are also the things I wanted to tell him. I just wish I had the courage to do so.

My relatives are very much aware of this situation but they always tell me to just forgive him; easy to say when you’re not the one directly affected by his actions. They even have the nerve to give me lectures about how important it is to forgive and it makes me a bad person for treating my father this way. But am I really the wrong one here? He’s not even sorry. For years, he will do shitty things to us. Sometimes he apologizes but sometimes he does not. But in all those scenarios, he’s not sorry. I do not feel any sincerity on his part at all. But why is it that despite the fact that I’m the one who was wronged here, he’s the one who has people on his side while I’m the one being labeled as the bad one? I am conflicted because I cannot forgive. For a long time now, I tried so hard to find it in myself to learn to forgive not just him but also all the other people who wronged me but I really cannot do it. I cannot do it because I’m a tree that remembers every hit of the ax while the ax is living comfortably. Why am I the one who cannot have peace of mind when I’m the victim? I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness for a long time but those confrontations from BoJack Horseman episodes are somewhat validating because it shows how I’m not the only one who cannot accept apologies. He’s not even genuinely sorry, so why would I extend the olive branch here?

X,

TinaMae

PS, There are a lot of things from BoJack Horseman that I would like to discuss and hopefully I find the time to write about them. The show is good, I highly recommend it!

[lastweeksshirttonight]

What is this?? Lee actually following up on promises of posting longform writing??? I know, I'm scared too.

Last Lee Tonight (wherein Lee quotes noted political commentator Olivia Rodrigo) Season One, Episode Nine

(Original air date: 6/29/2014) Topics covered: Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, LGBT rights and discrimination in Uganda

Trigger warning: discussions of homophobia

"That is why I, personally, refuse to pay for Mennonite cabinets. Because Jason Bourne could, conceivably, beat someone to death with one of those things."

Because the last time I posted one of these reviews was (checks notes) August 2023, a brief recap of where we are in terms of the season developing is in order. Episode Eight was the first time the entire main story was put on LWT's YouTube page, after a very... scattershot approach to uploading segments onto social media. The show is also coming into its own - although the recap of the week segments are bouncing between being extremely surface-level, sometimes only one joke long, and closer to the current iteration of a small yet rigorous dive into a relevant topic for a few minutes before the main topic, the main stories are beginning to take longer form, even though they are still tied to the idea of the show being immediately relevant.

This episode is one of the few I think is, with a few exceptions, almost completely available on the LWT YouTube page worldwide. Both major segments are uploaded, as well as an extended interview segment. Looking forward, they do experiment with the idea of breaking up most of the episodes and loading them onto YouTube for the rest of season one. At least they're actually, um, loading the main parts of the episodes on YouTube from here on out. As I've said many times before, no one had any idea what kind of show LWT was supposed to be or what it would become.

Another fun fact - apparently you can no longer screenshot these episodes I bought on YouTube on my desktop with PrtSc. What the fuck. Is up. With that?! (aaaah~) Fuck you business daddy you complete sack of daddy-shaped shit. (Clearly I have my ways of getting around this, even if the screenshots seem a bit blurry to me, but... fucking hell, I'm just trying to take a screenshot OF SOMETHING I PAID FOR.)

ANYWAYS. There's an episode of LWT we're ostensibly discussing!

Our first topic is the 2014 World Cup. England has been knocked out, so the tournament is dead to John. Oh John. So innocent. So full of life. You have no clue about the shitstorm you're gonna drop on FIFA's doorstep next season.

At the World Cup, an Uruguayan player, Luis Suarez, bit an Italian player, something I totally forgot about. He also bit TWO OTHER PEOPLE. John calls the Italian player "a delicious piece of prime Italian steak" - I forgot that chaotic bisexuality has been baked into this show from day one but I love it.

(Based on the only hate comment I've ever received, I know someone will probably deign to tell me that John is not bisexual, which... I know. But the writing of this show has chaotic bisexual energy - in some seasons, like the one where John begs Adam Driver to chokeslam him into a table regularly, energy honestly isn't a strong enough word to describe whatever's going on - and I like acknowledging that element of the show.)

John mentions the week has been awash with depressing terrorism news but leads into a segment about Boko Haram being driven out of their hiding places by snakes and bees, an incredible victory for the scariest parts of nature. John is furious that scorpions have instead decided to hide in bananas in supermarkets instead of fighting terrorism. John's grin after delivering that joke is effervescent. He loves this kind of stupid, "now THAT'S a sentence"-style joke.

He's so happy y'all

We take a hard left turn into discussing Syria, and that the US is looking to send money to "appropriately vetted" rebel soldiers. The obvious question is asked - how do you vet rebel soldiers? John suggests a trade-school-style commercial to recruit potential rebel soldiers. (The offer is open to bees and snakes!) One thing I like about the early episodes that does still come through from time to time on the show are these sorts of Daily Show-style fake commercials and PSAs. They can get repetitive after seeing the segments they're covering, but there's usually some fun twists and chances for some real absurdities and escalations you can't do in the show proper.

Our first real segment follows after this, on Burwell v Hobby Lobby. You may remember this as the court case that allowed for Hobby Lobby, a crappy JoAnn's knockoff run by evangelical Christians who also stole artifacts for a bible museum, to not pay for an employee's birth control through the Affordable Care Act because it went against their religion. As a corporation. Because corporations are people now. God this country sucks.

At the time of airing, this decision hadn't been made yet by the Supreme Court, so John is going over the details of the case, including the questions at the center of it - do corporations have freedom of religion, and are corporations people? John confidently says "no" before realizing he has to actually discuss this, and I really want to live in 2014 John World. This whole segment has a lovely capper extending two ideas to their logical, absurd extremes - government cannot be an a la carte system, something John demonstrates by showing a wild variety of things people don't want to spend their taxes on which starts fairly even-keel but spirals into Fox News talking heads saying that their tax dollars are being spent on Mexican prostitutes. And on the flip-side, if corporations are people, well, people die. Amongst other things.

Something that's been a bit lost about this case in the ten years since is that a Mennonite sect that owned a kitchen cabinet making company also sued the government over providing birth control. I totally forgot about that.

Our "And Now This" segment is on politicians misusing the word 'literally'. Chris Traeger literally adored this segment. (It's short and is exactly what you'd expect. Not much to say here.)

The next segment is on LGBTQIA+ rights in Uganda. Interestingly, John introduces this segment by saying "finally tonight..." despite being only 12 minutes into a 30 minute show. Definitely had me checking the clock in confusion.

I appreciate that John opens this segment not sugarcoating anything happening to LGBTQIA+ individuals in Uganda, even before he gets into the details of the anti-gay laws there. While there's been segments prior that have been obviously extremely serious, this is the first one that feels like John is coming from a place of seriousness first, jokes second. There are plenty of jokes, yes, lots of very funny ones. But when you compare how this segment opens, with no frills or equivocating, to even the Hobby Lobby segment earlier this episode, there's a pretty obvious difference.

People really didn't know how to react to the line "the moral arc of the universe is long, and it bends away from Uganda." There's like one scattered laugh at that. I'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to be a joke.

A lot of the details of this segment are deeply upsetting, especially post-Trump in a world where it feels like freedoms are rolling back everywhere and extremist hatemongers like Scott Lively are being treated more and more seriously. The fact that he was laughed at here in the past is refreshing, but knowing that he'd likely be a top senate candidate now is so distressing. There's a lot of things that can be seen in this show in hindsight, most of them so far more benign than this. Unfortunately, the exportation of homophobia now looks less like the death throes of a dying political position, as John posits here from 2014, and more like a big factor in sowing the seeds for this last decade's right-wing global surge.

That being said, Pepe Julian Onziema is a true portrait of grace under fire. The interview with Onziema in the show is extremely illuminating, the kind of interview that makes me wish John did more interviews. Onziema is a delight - I love his seriousness in speaking to the realities of living as an LGBT+ person in Uganda, and his bravery in fighting this fight despite the looming threat of severe prison time. Relatedly, "Sorry doesn't cut it" is such a great comeback to John apologizing for being part of two groups of people that brought this wave of homophobia to Uganda.

There is an extended interview with Onziema on YouTube that dives further into some of the specifics of certain social elements, like context into how Ugandan discourse took on elements of American homophobic talking points (like "gay people are recruiting children") and a timeline of Scott Lively's touring of Uganda. John manages to completely break him by singing part of an early hateful song about "the rainbow belonging to God" as well, which made me so happy. Turn those hateful things into ludicrously stupid ones to destroy them.

I do highly recommend watching this interview - it's one of the best things that LWT has ever done, still. This has stayed with me for 10 years.

Other notes:

Hey. Hey Lee. You gonna talk about the fit?: Yes of course I am, the meds didn't change my brain THAT much. We have a light blue shirt with a dark blue tie with lighter piping, and a gray suitjacket. This is a subdued look but I like the neutral slate color combination going on here. 8/10

I haven't mentioned the unique title cards for each episode of LWT yet, mainly because this is the first one I found really funny - it's a picture of Renaldo with the caption "Kickus Ballium". (New name for football ahoy!)

Please enjoy this incredible "I'm so smooth" looking freeze frame that I took while pausing the episode to write. So smooth.

"I've got to be honest, being British is sometimes a little like being an alcoholic. When someone says you did something awful, you find yourself going, 'Honestly, I don't even remember doing that, but yeah, probably, probably. I'm a dick, I'm a dick.'" He slipped so easily into that Ian Duncan mode for this line, I so hope he comes back for the Community movie.

[kylekozmikdeluxo]

Madagasqueer, Or My Weird History With a DreamWorks Franchise (Part 2)

Previous part here, for all the context...

CW: Queerphobia, sexuality, mental illness

Okay, so!

MADAGASCAR and MADAGASCAR 2 came out 3 1/2 years apart from one another, and my life went through a lot of turbulent changes... For a recap... I was 12 when MADAGASCAR came out, 16 when MADAGASCAR 2 was released, and in that stretch of time, the young autistic animation enthusiast and artist went through a lot of life-changing things that affected me in many areas. Largely my mental health... and MADAGASCAR 2 came out smack-dab in the middle of some of those ongoing changes...

When I was going through that aforementioned rough period that I went over in the last part, late 2007-early 2008, I was starting to get wind of my sexuality in ways that I hadn't in the past. I think for some autistic people, myself included, we take a little while to bloom in certain areas. And some of us may not know what's up, sexually, in some areas until it dawns on us. By early 2008, I was 15... Sophomore year of high school. This is during the Bush administration. Gay marriage isn't legalized everywhere, Bush revolved a lot of his 2004 re-election campaign on squashing that out, right-wingers saying gay marriage will lead people marrying their dogs getting legalized, etc. It seemed... Throughout the '90s and '00s, the worst thing you could be was gay or some kind of queer. The f-word was commonly used, "gay" was constantly used as a slur. I made my fair share of jokes, too, trying to fit in with everyone and me just projecting. I was a doodoohead back then.

Really, I had my own things going on. I had unconventional feelings, and one of those feelings was something I wrote off as a fetish. The desire to dress like a woman, or be like a woman. Being a "transvestite" back then, "that's weird, don't do that." Then, add being surrounded by a landscape that includes shows/movies constantly making fun of LGBTQIA+ people, while also showing lots of queer imagery too. A weird thing. At the same time, I have this desire bubbling, and then there were nights... Like, OH NO. Am I gonna turn out to be gay? These feelings I'm having about clothes and appearance, and anxiety ratcheting things up, having responses to the thought of being gay, naked with other men, etc. There were days, this is spring 2008 we're talking here, I couldn't go to school. I was like nauseous, it was like an apocalyptic feeling... Being gay. Would my loved ones kick me out? Would everyone hate me?

Right around this time, there was a teen that was a little younger than I was. Name was Larry King. An openly gay boy who wore girls' clothes, he was shot by a classmate. I remember my high school had a "Day of Silence", where students were allowed to not say a single word all day... I was afraid to participate, for fear of being called gay or found out. Such an uncomfortable time. I'd be with guys all the time at lunch and whatnot, and they'd say things like "if you look at your nails- (sticking their hands out, with the fingers spaced out) like this, you're gay." I'd often do that, but that was because it was just instinct. My straight-as-a-steel beam dad looks at his nails that way, too. Again, more fuel to the fire...

Another incident... I was collecting records, like I said before... When I started putting stuff like Elton John and Barry Manilow in my collection, I remember people I was around being all like "You don't want that in your collection, that's gay." I remember Manilow particularly, because I always liked his 1978 hit song 'Copacabana (At The Copa)' (the epitome of that meme with the black house and the bright house, poppy song, depressing lyrics)... and that was supposedly the GAY one. Nope, can't like that! Oh no, people will think I'm gay because I have Barry Manilow in my collection.

A couple months later, FAMILY GUY had that whole episode that began with Peter and the guys going to see Barry Manilow in concert... It was a long scene of them all grousing that Manilow was in town, and talked about seeing the concert as a joke... Begrudgingly admitting he had a few good songs, until they start naming more, and then are literally squeeing over seeing him... And then Manilow has Quagmire - the worst of the patriarchy exemplified - on stage and sings a song with his last name, and... It was strangely affirming in a way... A bunch of guys on a show that often made fun of gay people, being all enthusiastic about seeing a guy in concert who no straight guy should be seeing... Even if spent most of my life afterwards hiding and still not being sure of who I am...

So, enter MADAGASCAR 2...

In MADAGASCAR 2, for starters... The penguins, during the rescue mission at the dam, play 'Copacabana' on an 8-track player! And they praise the tune! These badass guy penguins who stole the show in each movie, being all positive about 'Copacabana'... And to get autistic-er here, I got into that song when MADAGASCAR 1 came to DVD in late 2005... So, that Manilow song and the first MADAGASCAR are pretty much linked to me. I associate things I was into in any given period of time together, even if none of them match. It's a weird autistic thing that I do- moving on!

Then you have Mason the chimp nonchalantly kissing Skipper. King Julien at the beginning crossdressing, "which one of you is attracted to me?" Then there's the scene where Makunga, the villain of the movie, this big buff lion... As a trick, he is given the badass granny's handbag, not knowing that it belongs to someone who is going to kick his ass. He wears it like a woman would wear a handbag, on his shoulder... or, supposedly, like a gay person would. Funny thing about that is, I remember being afraid to do that, myself. If I had to bring my mother's pocketbook or purse out to the car, I'd hold it, not wear it... and here's this male villain lion, who of course is already queercoded to begin with - a concept I was unfamiliar with at the time, wearing the handbag and being all like "Yeah, this makes me look good!" All about that adjustable strap, and ah- Like the FAMILY GUY scene, it was weirdly kind of affirming to see that... Those scenes stuck with me... MADAGASCAR just telling me, hey, maybe it's not so bad to be that.

Of course, many years later, I figured out who I was and it all made sense... And I look back on MADAGASCAR 2, and it's pretty much queer.

As many others have pointed out, it can be read as an allegory. A gay theatre kid from New York goes home to his brute father, who wants him to be a tough guy, a MAN... But the kid just likes dancing and performance. Good stuff...

I used to criticize that movie at one point. That was me going through my, what I like to call "heterosexual sorta passing" phase. I thought that being a good animation fan and critic meant judging these movies on hierarchy, like "You're inferior, because you're not the first five Disney animated movies or these Pixar films over here." I remember I was harsh on MADAGASCAR 2 in my early 20s, a movie I enjoyed when I was 16. My insufferable phase... I remember thinking the 3rd film, EUROPE'S MOST WANTED... Co-written by Noah Baumbach of all people... Was a lot better. Much more focused!

But now that I'm 30, I'm kinda like... Uh, the 2nd one might be my favorite? Even though the third one is a lot wackier and has some really good setpieces and great character moments/dialogue, I think I like the 2nd one better. As a sort of episodic movie where the characters go off in their own directions, it's something $100m-costing big CG sequel to a hit movie... it's this big animated movie sequel that's just going off on weird tangents. Like my autistic ass does! 2 is queerer, heck they give Alex a woman love interest in 3.

It's also, like, low-key. Okay, maybe high-key horny. Moto Moto? Need I say more? Also, like, the scene of Teetsi? His abs popping out, looking like something off of a Christian server that doesn't allow swearing? I mean c'mon. Also, "Maternity leave? You're all males!"

So today, I'm in tune with myself. I'm enby, I'm queer, I kinda rotate around some of the letters of the alphabet mafia. A little B, a little Q, a little A, maybe even some I? Still processing, believe it or not...

Anyways, I'll always treasure that movie. I saw it at a time in my life where things were getting better, the tides ever-changing in a wild and inconsistent autistic life. Now some 15 years after its release, yeah, it means a lot to me. I came out, somewhat, last year... and it all just starts to make sense, little by little...

[meandmyechoes]

Sorry I dropped off last week there.

had to go through something, milestone i guess.

don't know when, i started hating getting personal, even here, my last retreat. i just don't want to write something too, incriminating i guess. not that i'm being spied on, that said.

anyway, i dropped off of kingoh last week because i had to do something familial.

my father fell ill on July 26, while I was in Japan, the morning I was all excited to meet rita moru and kaku-san and jeramie. he was hospitalized for nearly two months and passed away the morning of the body swap episode. it was his funeral last week.

i. i cried a lot that day. i think i finally let it out, or i wasn't not letting myself hold it in to be "strong" for somebody else anymore. i don't know what to do. i still don't.

long story short, i've felt like i was playing a husband's role in the family for the past few years. i don't blame either of my parents for that because, i just don't have the strength to fight anymore.

I haven't been this depressed since back in 16 when depression first happened. I'm long past any suicidal relapse but i really really hate how emotionally tired it made me.

weekly kingoh is literally all that supported me through it. To have a tangible goal and recharge every week. the first time i went to see kishi after my first real-time sentai in 2018, I wrote in the message that toku gave me "courage" to realize what I love. it is still true and i'm grateful to have sentai in my life. It gave me the courage to travel to a foreign land alone, to dress pretty, to talk to new people. Kingoh is probably the last... thing I am this into, body and soul, and I want to make friends through it, crossing borders, but i always have another excuse to post even a weekly review in another language 😅

you see me churning out subs with a double release this week, that is just me grabbing straws trying to make my existence feel useful. don't worry, i don't sound as self-deprecating as that sounds, just awfully self-aware because woah, it's been 10 years co-existing with depression! - i've went throguh this cycle of gifted kids burnout + eldest daughter syndrome too many times. there's at least three more videos in my draft that've left there for 2 months.

how ironic and fitting that I said goodbye to my father the same summer Himeno did to her parents. I think about it a lot since I got back. Even before I visited him for the first time, when he was recovering just fine, I knew I, don't know what to say to him, because I don't know how to say anything out loud anymore. And I hate that I'm going to a stupid job every day instead of figuring out the answer, it's absurd it's absurd. it's absurd how death is not like anything i read or saw.

it's so so quiet. it's so so quiet. so so long.

I think a lot about Himeno's words after I came back. "A farewell without goodbye is not beautiful. What I want is still ahead of me." Regrets? Wish-i-could've's? Of course there're a lot. But what's important is to take care of the living because we can't change the past. I think this year in particular, and like OP said, the kings all have tragic backstories, but they still do their job and take responsibility to lead their people. I've always see myself as a leader - want to be a leader (despite the imposter syndrome in recent years). I just want to be a good person and finally one day I will over come the conditioned fear to promise because now I can fulfill them.

What was I talking. I feel better now I let it out. I suppose I'm gonna spell out what I'm gonna do next to conclude this essay. em. i don't know, i'm gonna go home and go to sleep. damn Dad left me a house in the shabs. baka.

[messybouquetoflilies]

i'm in my feels this morning don't loooook

[lesbianakaashi]

The Forgotten Shounen: Katekyo Hitman Reborn

This is not a “Why you should watch/read khr” or anything like that. This is just me going into the deep dive and throwing my findings at you. I’m making this because khr used to be my favourite series when I was 15 (I had plushees, posters, tradingcards, the art book etc) and now as an adult I constantly find myself baffled at how unknow it seems to be.

1. Okay first what is khr?

Katekyo Hitman Reborn! or just Reborn! is a series by Akira Amano which was published in Weekly Shounen Jump from 2004 to 2012 (with 42 volumes) and got an anime adaption which run from 2006 to 2010 on Tv Tokyo (with 202 episodes and one OVA).

2. What’s it about?

Khr is a parody of the italian mafia and plays in a world where the mafia is heavily influencial. The protagonist is the japanese middle schooler Sawada Tsunayoshi who is known as “No good Tsuna” because of his failing grades, general weak and cowardly personality and weak physics.

He becomes aware of the mafia world when a 2 year old baby called Reborn arrives at his house claiming to be the greatest hitman and declaring himself his home tutor. Reborn was send by the 9th head of the Vongola famiglia who is ready to retire and looking for a new heir. Which of course, is supposed to be Tsuna and now it's Reborns job to shape him into a worthy sucessor.

Tsuna rejects the violence of the mafia world and refuses the position as the 10th. Thanks to Reborn and his general craziness Tsuna meets different people and starts to make real friendships. Reborn wants 6 of those friends to be Tsuna's future guardians, basically a group of people which will be closest to him in the vongola famiglia. Tsuna might have no interest in those positions but the friendships he builds with them become really precious to him.

Reborns arrivial also brings in the enemies of the Vongola family which leads to Tsuna being forced to engage in battles. Generally Tsuna openly avoids fights and prefers to run away but will put himself in danger for his friends' sake or because of something Reborn did.

Through out the series Tsuna matures and gains strenght but he never becomes a power fantasy. He's just a guy with many flaws who grows through the human connections he makes.

Personally I think the relationship between Reborn and Tsuna is one of the best student teacher reltaionships in all of manga only topped by Mob and Reigen from Mob Psycho 100. Especially the last arc really underlines their unique relationship to me.

Furthermore, khr offers a new and unique battle system: The flames. I'm not gonna go into to too much detail but the general idea is that one fights with their dying will flame which basically turns off your the savety switch so you can fight with everything you have. The flames are seperated into different categories such as: sky, storm, mist, rain, sun, lightning and cloud and have different attributes asigned to each one. Tsuna's use of the sky flame and his transformation when using it is still one of my favourite shounen transformations to this day.

3. What happened?

The series did really well and then not so well over the course of its serialisation. After the manga got an anime adaption it increased in populairty and video games, light novels, and other products such as CDs were created based on the series. Reborn is one of the best selling series of Weekly Shōnen Jump and has sold around 30 Million volumes overall. It was and still is very popular in Japan but rather unknown in the west.

According to the article "The Rise and Fall of Weekly Shonen Jump: A Look at the Circulation of Weekly Jump" khr was the 10th bestselling series in Weekly Shōnen Jump, with a total of 7 million copies sold in 2007.

This number increasing to 15 milion in 2008. Which placed khr into the 4th best selling series of 2008 in Japan.

Between 2008 and 2010 those sales declined but still kept strong with khr as the 6th top selling manga in 2009, 8th best selling in 2010 and then 24th best selling in 2012.

In November 2014, readers of the Da Vinci magazine voted khr number 17 on a list of Weekly Shōnen Jump's greatest manga series of all time.

After the anime came to an apprupt stop in 2010 for unknown reasons the manga sells took a visible hit. (Apparently the studio wanted to put the anime on halt because they were busy with other projects and give Akira Amano time to develop her story but I couldn't find any source for this claim) Furthermore, the rushed last chapters of the manga in 2012 declined the popularity of the series even more. There's no offical statement as to why the manga was ended in such a way but it's reasonable to assume that Jump either cut it considering the decreasing sales or Akira Amano choose to end it for personal reasons.

Nontheless, Tsuna not being included in Jump Force (a fighting game where you can play as different characters from Jump) in 2019 even tho he made it in earlier Jump Stars games also underlines the decreased interest in the series.

Rumors on a reboot or anime adaption of the last two arcs surface from time to time but are genereally unlikely. Artland the studio which made khr has gone bankrupt around 2015-2016. It might be taken on by another studio but rather uncommen especially with such an old series.

4. Art style

The khr anime ended over 10 years ago and the old art style might not be appealing to newer audiences.

Especailly because the anime adaption follows Akira Amanos old art style which heavily developed within the years. Here a picture comparing characters in the new art style:

A modern anime adaption in the new art style would be aesthetically pleasing. It would probably look similiar to Psycho Pass since Akira Amano did the concept art for this series.

(My personal art student hot take is that both art styles are unique and fun. Up to this day Akira Amano still has my favourite art style and even if the amount folds in the characters clothing is a little extreme I love it dearly.)

5. Criticism

The show is not without flaws and even if I greatly enjoy it it wouldn't be right not to adress them.

Daily Life Arc:

A lot of people view the first 20 to 25 episodes as fillers and quickly lose intererst in the series. This is due to the fact that Akira Amano inteded the series to be a gag manga and focuses the first chapters on world building, character introduction and comical narratives. It's rumored that the decision to develop the story into a battle shounen was made because the sales weren't doing well enough at first. So the first chapters/episodes may seem titidious but are necessary for the story and the development of the characters. The tonal shift from a more gintama like gag manga to a darker battle focused story can also be offputting to some viewers.

Either way a lot of people blame this arc when discussing why khr never got an english dub or didn't end up on Toonami. I've also read that the manga never finished serializing in the north america. However, it finished in other western languages like german and spanish.

Censoring:

The anime censors A LOT. From Gokudera's smoking habit, Yamamoto's whole character arc which deals with heavy themes such as depression and suicidal thoughts. The general bloodiness of the manga was censored and sometimes whole chapters and characters were left out even if those were important to the devolopment of others.

Filler episodes:

Out of the 202 episodes the anime has around 29 filler episodes which makes roughly 14 %.

Sexism:

Even if Reborn was written by a woman most female characters are rather flat and their storylines often tied to a male character in one way or another.

Genereal things:

Khr, like many other long running series, is sometimes criticised for a lack of world building or unpopular narrative choices.

6. Hope?

Khr isn't exactly dead. As stated before the series is still very popular in Japan and still gets new merch pretty regulary. There are also petitions floating around for a reboot or a new anime season but those never get a lot of traction. Furthermore #Reborn2期アニメ化 (#Reborn2ndAnimation) used to get some traction on twitter not too long ago. Last year the Anime News Network did a poll on which anime the readers would like to see a rebooot of and khr placed second.

Either way here's a collection of recent khr things I could find.

- In 2018 a new bluray set was released in north america

- The khr stage play reached yet another new season

- A mobile game was released last year

- Currently ongoing anime cafe event called "Concerto di Vongola"

- Last month there was an event with the former VAs and stage play actors where they discussed their favourite khr episodes.

- There has been an increase in blind reacts to the openings on youtube which might bring in a new fan base. The biggest one I could find had around 90k views and was made in 2019. On this note check out the soundtrack. The first openeing Drawing Days by SPLAY still makes me go insane (but I'm biased of course)

There also renewed hope for a new season/reboot because Shaman King, Inuyasha and Bleach got anounced for new seasons after a long hiatus. It's important to keep in mind that the circumstances for those series are differnt tho. For example bleachs new anime is often tied to the immense success of the gatcha game.

7. Conclusion

Khr is a series which used to be a flagship for Weekly Shounen Jump and is deeply beloved by it's fans, especially in Japan. It influenced other shounen series like bnha. It would be nice to see it gaining a bigger fanbase in the west :)

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

when do you think theyll make hawkdemetri canon; in s4 or later (assuming it goes to 6 seasons)? i think the romantic aspects of their relationship will be empathized more clearly in s4 (hawk's jealousy of yasmime, their deep understanding and love for each other, etc) but they won't officially get together until the fifth season, leaving the last one to explore them figuring out how to go public and all that. or or i was thinking they do get together in s4 but due to the cobras threatening demetri or smth like that, they break up shortly after and don't get back together until the s5 or 6 finale. i feel like i'm being bold bc nothings set in stone but w what jon and hayden liked/rted im just ahhh!! so excited!!

Oh man, are we actually doing this now??? Are we actually discussing when Hawkmetri would hypothetically go canon???

EH, FUCK IT

IF SHE-RA WENT THROUGH WITH IT MAYBE IT ISN’T A MERE GAY KARATE PIPE DREAM

I personally see them making Hawk/Demetri an endgame pairing, so they wouldn’t officially get together until close to the end of the series--maybe even IN the series finale (which, as I believe I mentioned in one of my other posts, I would strongly prefer to be the kids’ senior prom, where a giant karate fight breaks out and everyone has to battle in tuxes and dresses because it would be HILARIOUSLY AWESOME). I think they might do it like She-Ra did Catradora, where they don’t confess their love and get together until the last (or close to the last) episode (Ah, She-Ra spoilers, I guess...but anyone who doesn’t know by now that Catra and Adora end up together has been living under a rock XD) but there’s LOTS of ship tease prior and maybe even a stolen kiss/hand-hold or two leading up to that moment. Either way, if they decide to go the Hawkmetri route, it definitely has Endgame Ship vibes to me, which means...good news is, we’re gonna win this bitch, and bad news is, I don’t think we’ll be seeing Hawkmetri proper anytime soon, especially if the show goes on for 6+ seasons D: But hey, we sure as hell have something to look forward to, if our hope isn’t totally misplaced!

I think most likely Demetri and Yasmine will date throughout Season 4, and I can see the writers using this to give Hawk a “green-eyed epiphany” of sorts, where he realizes he’s jealous of Yasmine in slightly more than a you’re-hanging-out-with-my-best-friend-more-than-me kind of way, and he’s just like “...oh fuck, am I gay? Shit shit SHIT” and cue Big Boi Angst! Probably by Season 5 Dem and Yaz will be broken up (because ain’t no one telling me a relationship founded on wedgies lasts more than one goddamn season), and that’s when we’ll start getting a lot more ship tease with Demetri and Hawk--subtle touches, a bit of hand-holding (but, of course, they’d find a way to do it in contexts where they can get away with it lol), “friendship teasing” that’s basically flirting, longing gazes when the other isn’t looking, getting a little TOO contact-happy when they spar--that kinda deal. Maybe at the end of Season 5, they’ll share a kiss, but they won’t want to address it or it’ll come with some complication. Like they’re both drunk, or maybe one kisses the other and then doesn’t want to talk about it afterwards because they’re too embarrassed, etc etc. And they’re both trying to figure out if everyone’s even going to be cool with them being gay anyways.

Season 6 I see as being more or less the same thing, with lots of ship tease and mutual pining and such, but it’s a bit more intense now and kinda complicated by the fact that they’re more directly aware of their affection for each other being romantic and they’re both trying to come to terms with the fact that they’re definitely probably not straight. They’re also slowly realizing they’re full-on in love with each other too, and they’re both trying to work up the courage to just ask the other to be with them. And then at the end of the season they finally do it, and then go to Karate Prom together!!! The madlads!!!

GRANTED, I’m REALLY trying not to get my own hopes up about all this, BUT the fact that one of the show creators liked someone’s tweet asking if Hawk and Demetri were gonna be the LGBT rep and another creator straight-up RETWEETING Hawk x Demetri fanart is...admittedly very promising!!! I’m really really hoping beyond hope that this ship happens!!! But Korrasami happened, Catradora happened...so anything is possible!!! It’s certainly easier to make a gay ship with semi-major characters canon than it used to be. I just hope the homophobic side of the Cobra Kai fanbase doesn’t mess this up for us by bitching about “PC” LGBT representation to the showrunners or something :/ Man...it’s honestly kind of alarming to see the amount of people who seem against shipping Hawk and Demetri solely because...they’re both guys??? Like people really be like “UGH these two guys are PLATONIC FRIENDS why must you make it GAY???” As if anyone in the history of EVER has said “UGH this guy and this girl are PLATONIC FRIENDS why must you make it STRAIGHT???” because...they’re already “defaulted” to be straight :/ Sigh...this is the depressing world we live in, I guess.

Fingers still crossed for Hawk x Demetri, though!!! Let’s make it canon through the Power of Karate!!!

Man I am on a ROLL tonight, I can’t fuckin sleep so instead I’m in my askbox shitposting about the binary boyfriends nonstop XD 3 asks in one night, babeyyyyy!

[bourbon-ontherocks]

(Previously, on GG rewatch...)

*Sighs*. So now, after my favourite episode of the season, I guess that here comes the worst?

I’m going to go write fic after that to forget about this depressing nonsense...

Honestly this whole bar scene is peak Petty!Rio... The whole *chuckles* "oh hey, I've got to show you something!" *pulls out the bullets* is P E R F E C T.

Rio kissing the bullets and dramatically dropping them in front of Beth is literally a fanfiction. I have no other explanation

I feel bad for this unknown actor who plays the bartender and only has one line ("Sure thing") and nobody will ever pay attention to him because this scene is a fucking MOMENT.

"TO YOUR AIM"!!!!!!!!!!! Rio is a dramatic bitch and I'm here for it

"YOU'RE MY GIRL," he said, bottom lip hanging loose like a forbidden fruit. THE CHEEK TOUCHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRB, gonna take a quick shower...

Why are these close-ups getting closer and closer??? Is this a symbol of Beth's tunnel vision? Feels kinda weird actually

NO! The abrupt switch from Rio to gross sweaty Deansie is absolutely unbearable. HOW DARE THEY??????

Has anyone, like ever, asked for a power clip of Dean working out???

Beth, asking the same question ten times and expecting a different answer is the definition of insanity. Taking a second pregnancy test for double check is valid. But ten?

WHERE CAN I SUBSCRIBE TO THIS DRUNK DETROIT CHANNEL???

Is Gayle just discovering the basic concepts of marketing while she's supposed to be a successful business-runner?? This doesn't make any sense

I appreciate Annie questioning Beth's self-proclaimed leadership. It's too bad it doesn't lead to anything.

So I get that it's supposed to make Beth appear like a true boss, but why is Gil suddenly saying where the money is while his blackmailing argument was for once extremely persuasive?

What's in the van, what's in the vaaaaaaan???

And. Another. French. Pop. Song.

Well, I for once agree with Dean, having a fifth kid IS a discussion. Honestly the only interesting part of this scene is learning that Beth's into roleplay, acrobatics and sextoys...

Gosh, this episode is probably the worst of the season. Beth is using everyone in the ugliest ways. She's using Rhea to save herself while she's acted awfully to her. She's using Dean as a sperm bank. She's using Rio and tricks him into believing she's carrying his child. She's using Ruby to get Gil's van. Ugh.

DIANE!!!!!!!

So, did Gil go or not?? Also, "he just is," is not an answer, Elizabeth, the correct answer was "I never listened much during gun practice and fucked up my aim as a result"

"HEY NOW"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The super romantic music playing during the "nauseous" scene feels a bit... off?? Like, I don't understand the intent, this episode is really fucked up, I feel like they couldn't settle for a tone and mixed a lot of things together, which can sometimes result in a brilliant mix in the end, but here it's just odd.

Extremely pissed that we didn't get to see Beth's first ride in the G-Wagon, trying to eat the ice-cream before it melts and Rio being all stressed-out about stains on the leather.

Dean, literally: "I just think it's healthier for my marriage not to cheat on my wife" oh you think, dude??? What was your first clue?

Can someone explain to me why Dean is the character from this show who gets laid/propositioned the most?? Like, WHO are these women?

I love how we can clearly see Beth's pulse during the gyno waiting room scene. Like, idk if it's just normal that it's so visible at this filming distance or if Christina is THAT good, but it feels very organic.

Okay quick poll: are there women out there who DON'T keep track of the date of their last period??? How can you not KNOW?

Oooooh, I forgot the puddle of nonsense that was this pregnancy plot. If Rio's been gone for two months, then there's no way you can't see the embryo AND have a heartbeat. And there's no way Rio would buy the ob-gyn's bullshit, especially since he's apparently been around during Rhea's pregnancy.

One more thing: death threats aside isn't that weird in general to take your new partner to your ex's ob-gyn??

I find the cereal-eating scene really gross tbh. This food looks disgusting.

MIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!

And finally. This is it. After his long hiatus, Carlos Aviles is no longer Rio's Henchman #2 or Scary Guy #1. He's Mick, and honestly 80% responsible for my enjoyment of season 3.

Bonus: Look at this pwetty pwetty face...

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

It was a love story from the very beginning

Vol. LXXI

Don't You Love Me?

(11x19)

Hi everyone! How are you? This is another piece from this adventure, it has more than one year and we reached and passed volume 70th!! I'm so glad you are still reading my nonsenses, and keep sharing my ramblings. Thank you! So much hard work rewatching and taking notes is worth it if you are reading this on the other side! 💕💕

Are you ready for the angst? Let's do this!

Worried about Cas

After seeing with his own eyes that Castiel didn't want to be rescued, that he really wanted to be used by Lucifer so they could defeat Amara, Dean stays all night long awake, trying to find a way to rescue him now from Amara, who has Casifer prisoner.

With a heart broken again, and worried because Amara could kill Cas anytime, Dean can't sleep. First if all, the pain in his heart for being rejected again, is too big, and the idea of loosing Cas for ever, to see the man he loves die, terrifies him.

So the first dialogue between Dean and Sam shows us all of that.

Gif credit @subcas

Sam: Dude, you even move since last night?

Is the first words we heard from Sam, and is showing to the audience a very important point: why Dean didn't moved the whole time? It means that when Sam went to bed, he was in the same spot. Is saying Dean didn't slept that night. He didn't move from that chair, trying to find Cas. A very important point to show how much Dean cares about Cas.

Dean: [tiredly] Sleeping is the new smoking.

Sam: What? No, it’s not. It’s sitting. Sitting is the new smoking.

Dean: That’s can’t be right.

Okay, this could be an innocent quote, Dean mistaking the famous phrase, but is not. Dean is relating the quote to DEPRESSION, that's why he names SLEEPING to SMOKING, because he's talking about depression. But when Sam relates this with SITTING, which we know is talking about other kind of diseases, Diabetes, hypertension, etc, Dean says 'THAT'S CAN'T RIGHT' because those are not meanings he was looking for, he wasn't talking about those diseases, that's why he didn't talk about sitting/sedentariness, but sleeping/depression. Because he was feeling that way.

Sam: Dean, we’ll find Cas, okay? He’s stronger that he looks.

And because Sammy knows, he knows why Dean is in that shape: Cas.

Dean: You know, we gambled with Cas, and now Amara has him.

Sam: For a reason, which means he’s still alive.

Dean is spitting out his fears right there, but not all the fears he was ruminating the whole night, and Sam is trying to give to each depressing thought a light of hopes, to make his brother to feel better.

Dean: [shakes his head] I’ve been with Amara. Her beef is with the big guys … with God, with Lucifer. The small fries, even an angel like Cas, doesn’t even register. And if it meant hurting Lucifer, killing Cas would mean nothing to her.

Another thought flying in his mind, he is afraid Amara could kill Cas.

Sam: It’s been a week. We’ve still got no leads.

Dean: You think I don’t know that? [rises from the chair]

So we just had three thoughts that kept Dean awake the whole night: HE DIDN'T NOTICED CAS WOULD SAY YES TO LUCIFER, HE KNOWS AMARA COULD KILL HIM ANYTIME, AND IT'S BEEN A WEEK! It's been a week, which means, Dean had been an entire week in this shape, without sleeping and worried about him.

Knowing this, let's jump to the other point.

Worrisome+heart broken

Repressing all the feelings again

I just want you to recall a timeline about Dean's perceptions of Cas feelings for him. If you read my previous metas From season 5+6, 8, 9 and 10, you would be aware of the following facts:

- Finale S5: Cas flew away from the car without saying goodbye to Dean. Dean went to Lisa and never contacted Cas (feeling kind of offended) until Sam said Cas wasn't answering to his prayers.

-S8: After the crypt scene, Dean felt rejected.

-S9: Road Trip episode: Castiel comforted Dean as a lover, with devoted words and supportive looks.

-s10: After Dean came back from being a demon, Castiel names a female in his car waiting for him, and Dean reacts like a jilted lover, and the episode after that is using OOC a blind dates app.

And now... We have a rejected Dean, because Cas didn't want to be rescued by him. Again. Like in Purgatory. So... Time to repress the feeling even more... And we had 11x19 'The Chitters' talking about that.

This is gonna be a very huge mis if symbolism in just one monster. First of all, we have the description of the eyes...

Cori: [hesitates] The thing that took Libby was naked and pale. Except for the eyes. I swear to God, they flashed green for a second.

Okay, I'm the crazy old lady of colors, so you know what I'm gonna point here: GREEN is DEAN. Keep that in mind...

Cori: It was shaped like a man. Or was it a woman?

Dean: [curiously] Was it a man or a woman?

Cori: It didn’t have a … [points downward with her fingers]

Dean: A penis?

Cori: [wide-eyed] It didn’t have anything.

Dean: What you’re saying it was junkless?

Cori: Completely.

Second thing I want you to recall is... This monster has not genre, first thing Dean thought about angels, remember? But we learned, same angel can take different genres of vessels. Because they are utterly indifferent to sexuality. Just pointing here that this characteristic is related to angels, in Dean's mind junkless, and in canon with Raphael and even Castiel taking male and female vessel. Keep this facts in mind too...

This monster took a vessel too to copulate, into a very huge orgy. Lest's take a piece of the dialogue between the Winchester and one of the residents who lost his husband.

Etta: Oh, yeah [nods]. Gran said that if you got the chitters, you get so revved up with lust that your eyes would shine like emeralds 

So, time to convey all these facts...

This is representing two important things: Green eyes talks about Dean, so, this junkless monster that search's for a vessel to copulate represents angels. They are presenting this chitter as something filthy, and people doing insane, sinful things (the orgies) Is something BAD AND FILTHY, as we will see in the next scene, but pay attention to these two conclusions: Dean thinks he doesn't deserve Cas, he thinks Cas is not interested romantically on him. So he repressed his feelings (including lust and shame of daring to love a celestial and pure creature, and passion too because is part of being in love). Second, we have the angels and their Sacred Oath, they can't bond with humans physically, we talked about this in season 8 with the tests Castiel had to achieve to close Heaven and we will talk about this in s12 too. If angels have sex with humans, both deserve to die because IS DEFINITELY NOT ALLOWED. So the cause of those forbidden feelings in Castiel has GREEN EYES.

Last thing i want to point is one of Cochrane's quote, when he was talking about her daughter and the people that had died 30 years ago...

Cochran: Yeah, better to bury it. [voice cracks] All of it.

The angst from this scene is huge, but the phrase I marked here, plus all the things we were talking about SHAME/REPRESSED FEELINGS, is showing us how finally Dean, brokenhearted as he is right now, were thinking all of this things these nights he was awake, plus the depression of not seeing Cas in bad shape saying yes to Lucy, plus the fear of lose him for ever.

And finally, to show you this entire "Chitters'" thing was about and angel and a human in love... I will turn this scene into a Destiel one...

Gif credit @spacedudeee

Because who's the sinner? And who's the rebel?

Do I have to answer that? Okay, DEAN AND CAS. Sinner and Rebel. Can a sinner, with shame inside, feel that he deserves a love of an angel? And can a rebel angel allow himself to love a human with such passion?

Again, this episode was a huge Dean's POV...

I think I explained my point here... Let's jump to the easy part 🤣🤣

Jesse and Cesar: What we want for Destiel

This is a canon fact very well known for the fandom, Jesse as Dean mirror and Cesar as Castiel.

Both men were a reflection of what Dean really wants in his heart, his curiosity spoke by itself when he asked

Gif credit @mooseleys

Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter?

Is expressing perfectly his deep desires. And seeing them both together, supporting each other, and being a real couple, was very important to his self discovering. Two badass Manly men that fell in love with each other.

It wasn't casual writers decided to team up Cesar with Dean and Jesse with Sam, it was like a picture of Dean talking with Cas about himself, and Sam talking with Dean about their childhood traumas.

It was a very beautiful gesture of Dean to not disturb them asking them for help with Amara, because he knew about their plans of retirement. And this is talking about another wish in Dean's heart: retirement with his beloved.

Gif credit @thejabberwock

To Conclude:

Episode 11x19 was about everything Dean has playing in his mind: Fears of loosing Cas, shame for loving him and feeling he doesn't deserve him. His fantasies about what Cas thinks about him, or worst, about him being in love with him. And how he decided to repress all of it again, because he felt rejected again by the angel, and that's why he will start saying We and not I.

It also presents Sacred Oath for angels, a very important topic for the next season.

And we had Jesse and Cesar, Destiel beautiful mirror, talking about Dean's deep desire. And what we want for Destiel.

Hope you like this meta! See you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @tenshilover20 @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@imjustkipping @destielle @agusvedder @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you want to read the previous metas From s11, here you have the links:

Vol. LXII, LXIII, LXIV, LXV, LXVI, LXVII, LXVIII, LXIX. LXX.

Buenos Aires July 21th 2020 6:34 PM

[inactivespnblog]

Supernatural 15x14 (Last Holiday) Thoughts

Ugh they really wanted to hit me with that "please forgive me" scene in the recap huh

This was just really funny to me, especially the way Sam says "it was in the 50s." Like the sass.

Please tell me they aren't going to use jack being in his room as an excuse to not really have him in the episode! I need to see him

Don't have to kill Amara too if Jack becomes new god, I'm just saying.

"Then we do what we gotta do" aw you gonna kill your girlfriend dean? (I just had to say that because that was the dumbest storyline)

"Dude, we fought the devil, I've killed Hitler, I think we can handle a few pipes" and sam's face after he says that is highly doubtful

Dean just pressing the button while Sam tries to tell him not to really just describes the whole show doesn't it?

Of course Dean would have Scooby doo boxers, like is anyone surprised?

"Language!" "That's it, I'm getting my gun" of course that would be his reaction

"But they were my boys. My family" "well that's very progressive" what is that even supposed to mean dean?

The sad look on her face when Dean says she can leave. I feel bad for her!

A mood

Abaddon did not actually kill all of the men of letters though? Sam and dean killed a bunch of them, though they were the british men of letters and not the ones she considers family. i don't know, just interesting to me.

Oh she's crying i feel so bad for her.

"What about jack?" love sam caring about his son

When jack showed up on screen, I literally squeeled his name and I just want you all to know how excited it made me.

He looks so sad dont hurt me like this

"She's making cookies, snickerdoodles. so if you want some..." i love how that's the first time Jack really looks at the door. Food is the only thing that can get this boys attention, huh? But then he just goes back to looking sad and it hurts me so much! Let this boy be happy!!!

"Do you think it's a good idea having her around?" "I mean we do have the son of satan living down the hall." true true but also dean, you were pretty hesitant about that.

Wow, they're becoming self aware. Who knew they were capable? But also, that's a bit hypocritical of you there Sam. Still love you though.

"Feels like Jack is hiding something." Please make that not true. i just want them to have a good relationship and be happy.

I love her so much for caring about Jack and trying to make him happy and making him a sandwhich like give Jack support please he needs it.

Okay but like those vampires weren't shown doing anything evil before sam and dean walked in so how do we know they were actually evil??? I'm not sure that not investigating is a good thing since it could lead to killing monsters that aren't actually doing anything wrong??? like are we going back to the early season mentality of just killing first? because i'm not a fan

Oh, she's doing christmas i love her. The decorations are so pretty

"Merry christmas!" Okay I never want this lady to go away. I'm sure it'll go bad and she'll be gone but i really do not want that. Her little dancing is great

"We are so keeping her" apparently neither does dean

Dean looks so happy and he's being so tolerable in this episode. I am shocked and confused

Just Sam's face, my god.

"Enjoy the world you're fighting for" someone needed so say it

Jack walks in and I get all excited and happy again, but ms. wood nympth seems to disagree by the tone of "this is jack?" please no but also his adorable wave makes me so happy. he's such a baby

"What are you?" Depressed, now leave him alone

"He's a millennial. Don't let that throw you. He's a good kid" i mean i still dont like dean but i love the supporting jack in this episode!!! But also jack is not a millennial? he's three years old. He was born in like 2017???

I love jacks smile when she gives him a smoothie but also am I the only one worried that the smoothies are poisoned? Like the writers don't let this child catch a break and with the way she was acting before I wouldn't be surprised.

Their faces when she tells Dean he can't have a smoothie and gives him tomato juice!!! I love it! Especially Sam and Jack's reactions

Why are sam and deans rooms so far apart? I mean like good for sam but why?

"Should i come or?" I love him he's so cute

How happy he is when he drinks his smoothie makes me so happy

Man she's gonna hurt jack isn't she? Please no.

"The only family I've ever really had is Sam, Dean, Cas, and... Mary" "Mary?" aw he looks sad again. poor baby

"Mary was Sam and Dean's mom and my um... she was a good friend." Wouldn't it have been great if he said grandmother? Also why didnt she asks about Cas?

"She sounds lovely. "She was but um i killed her." "Oh" lmao i can't just out of context that's just hilarious

"We all do things we regret, but life gives us second chances, and it is our obligation to hold onto them." Please don't let her hurt Jack! This is such a cute relationship so far. Let them be friends please I am begging. Jack needs more people to care about him

"Would you like another smoothie?" jack's fucking smile. I love him so much.

Jack looks so happy in this montage with his family!! Please spn i am begging you not to ruin this

Jack's halloween shirt is so cute! And I love that they're carving pumpkins! I wish Jack could have a Halloween where he went out and got to trick or treat with his dad's though.

I love sam smiling over at jack being happy but also don't let your three year old drink alcohol Sam like use some common sense dude

Sam has thor's hammer! I'm in love with this episode

I love that they had a birthday party for Sam! And Jack's adorable clapping makes me so happy!!!

To be continued with reblogs because Tumblr won't let me have more gifs.

[wilwheaton]

Hey, Mr. Wheaton! I have seen you talk openly about your experience with depression and I was wondering if I could get some advice. I'm having a major depressive episode and I can't manage to do much of anything. I'm on medication and I'm going to therapy. This is the worst depressive episode I've had in a while. What do you do when getting the dishes put away seems like an insurmountable goal? I'm just so frustrated with myself.

I am so sorry. I have been there, and it sucks so much.

First of all, and most importantly: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This is your brain doing weird chemical stuff that you can not control. Please do not be frustrated with yourself or blame yourself for something you have absolutely no control over.

When I’m just getting crushed by the lead apron of Depression, I have to remind myself that, as bad as it feels, it will get better. It ALWAYS gets better. It’s going to get better in its own time, and all I can do is keep taking my meds, talk with my therapist, and lean on my support network of friends and loved ones who I know I can count on when Depression starts doing its thing.

But there are some things I do my best to do when I feel terrible, because one of them usually helps me feel a little better.

1. If you haven’t taken a shower today, do that.

2. If you haven’t eaten a nutritious meal in the last few hours, do that right away. It’s incredible how much low blood sugar can act as a force multiplier for Depression’s symptoms.

3. Get outside for a little bit. Honestly, even if it’s just to walk onto the porch and feel the sun on your face, do it. 

4. Make yourself take a little walk. You don’t have to go do a big exercise thing. Just walk to the end of the driveway and back, or to the corner and back, or however much you feel like walking. Something happens when we get our blood moving around our bodies, and it’s been clinically proven to help make the symptoms we feel when we’re experiencing a major depressive episode better. It’s not going to magically make all the yuck go away, but it _always_ makes me feel a little better.

5. If you can snuggle with a pet, get in there and snuggle them like you’ve never snuggled before. There’s clinical evidence that snuggling our pets increases oxytocin production, which can act as a natural antidepressant.

6. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR FEELING THE WAY YOU FEEL. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I think that’s the list. It’s not too long, by design, so we don’t feel overwhelmed and just crawl back into bed.

And, hey, listen: if you can’t do these things today because your brain is just not being a team player? That’s okay. Be gentle with yourself and talk to yourself the way you’d talk to the person you love the most in the world, because you deserve to love yourself the same way, and you deserve to be treated with all the love and kindness you can muster.

But you specifically asked me about the dishes, so: just wash one, and walk away if you want to. Then, if you feel like it, wash another one. Or just make the choice that you’re going to listen to a podcast or an album you like, and while you listen to it, you’re gonna wash a couple of dishes. You don’t have to wash them all. You don’t even have to put them all away, if you don’t want to. Just take one step to start, and give yourself credit for it. Then, when you’re ready, take another step. Pretty soon, you’ve taken all the steps and, to quote my pal Keith Coogan in the classic film Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead: “The dishes are done, dude!”

I hope some of this is helpful for you, and I hope that the lead weight of Depression lifts sooner than later. I know all too well how you’re feeling, and I know that it sucks.

Check in with me when you’re ready, and let me know how you’re doing, okay?

[majicmarker]

why did you dislike 'the hating game?' (haven't read it; i'm just curious)

AAAUURGGHH okay. OKAY. it’s been a hot minute since i read it, so i’m going off strictly memory here — i am thinking of doing a reread, for the record, but chances are high that’s just going to remind me of/reinforce my initial bad impressions — BUT — 

(oh god, this became an essay so fast, but to be fair to myself i’m coming off a depressive episode and almost everything in this world pisses me off, so this is just where we’re at. and, yeah, i’m really picking this shit apart, no doubt, but I've always owned up to being an enormously picky reader, so we’re off to the races here, i said what i said, etc., etc, ad nauseam) 

you know what, i’m gonna preface this with the One Thing I remember above all else about this book. i am 100% sure this wasn’t the intention but, oh my god, the one thing i will always remember is how lucy (the heroine) refers to one of her superiors as “Fat Little Dick.” dude’s actual name is richard, he’s short and annoying, blah blah. this is supposed to be funny, and i — much as i’m a fan of vulgar humor, lord, i’ll tell you about my favorite shows and movies sometime — find it so incredibly off-putting, that it’s the first thing I think of whenever i see this book mentioned. the immaturity of the nickname doesn’t bother me so much but it’s like, the fact that it’s meant to be clever that irks me. it’s just... gross, to me. this is really individualistic, but i can’t talk about this book without bringing this up because, for me, it set the whole tone for what i was about to read. this is the humor of the whole book, it falls cringingly flat to me, and that means a lot when it comes to a romantic comedy. 

in that vein... look, there is seldom an occasion in which i enjoy first person. this is completely a personal preference, so it’s not a point i hold against this book in particular, but i just... i really gave this book a shot, despite being immediately turned off by the style. first person runs rampant in romance and like, that’s fine, i do have a couple i enjoy and, anyway, it’s not a dealbreaker for me and overall it doesn’t actually speak to the quality of the work. like i said, total personal preference — but. but. it depends on how you write it, and i just didn’t see the merit of it here. I think we would have benefitted from dual pov, even if both sides were written in first person. 

a nitpick, perhaps! and tbh this particular detail might be suited to a larger discussion of narrative structure dependent on genre, but! in this case i just don’t like it and we can go from there. 

MOVING ON. 

lucy has no friends. what the fuck is that? she’s twenty-something and, as far as her character reads, quite sociable. even if she was some awkward mess (like, hey, me too, y’all should’ve seen me in my twenties), she’d probably still have, like, one person she could confide in, and yet... nada. (this is what i recall, anyway. as i said, it’s been at least a year since i tried this book out, so maybe i’m forgetting someone, but from what i remember, this fact stood out to me almost as plainly, painfully, as the “Fat Little Dick” gag.) i’m pretty sure all she has in this world is her job, her weird crush on josh, and her smurfs collection. also, she’s short. that’s cool, but it’s not a personality, and any which way i don’t need to be reminded of it every page. 

on a broader scale, i, personally, find lucy and josh both profoundly unlikeable. lucy is irritating and, if she were a friend of mine, i’d tell her to her face that she needs to get her shit together because this is ridiculous. and josh is just, an asshole? imo. he’s every other guy i’ve met at a bar who pretends he’s really into his personal development but at the same time he won’t go to a therapist. so, like, what’s the point? he’s dull at best, and i’m not surprised robbie amell’s been cast for the film adaptation (last i knew of, that is). and the thing is, like, in romance, the characters need to be likeable. you’re rooting for their personal lives; there is no “greater good” or whatever else at play here. all i care about are these people and, in this case… i can’t deal with them. if this was YA, absolutely, yes, i’m here for it. but, again, these characters are whole-ass adults. i don’t necessarily expect your life to be together at this point — mine certainly isn’t — but have some self-awareness, for the love of god. 

ON THAT NOTE, the book’s focus is on these twenty-something romantic leads, but it reads so juvenile. meg cabot’s high school romances have more self-awareness and depth than these career-oriented Adults. don’t get me wrong — i’m all for relatable, for insecure, for the identity struggles that really shape your twenties, because oh my god, do I Get That, but this was just all so… god, it reminds me of the stuff i’d write in junior high. it’s like what i imagined it was gonna be like to be a grown-up. this is probably personal preference all over again, but it doesn’t read authentic to me. it’s shallow, and sexual without being really, actually emotional. i’m seeing the lust, but i’m being force-fed the love. 

and, before i drop without precedent the whole “career-oriented” thing that the plot itself seems to have done — the professional, essential, conflict is never resolved. spoiler alert, i guess, but the conflict hinges on the love interests being up for the same promotion, but we end the book with the male lead quitting and taking a job elsewhere — so his career is stable, right, but the job that’s been waiting in the wings this whole time? your guess is as good as mine as to who gets it. much as i disliked this whole Thing, by the end i still hoped lucy would be offered some professional satisfaction, but we never actually find out.

and, listen, i don’t remember any of the sex scenes. i know they’re in there, but i have zero recollection because they’re boring. gratuitous, maybe, but that’s only if you believe some of the book’s naysayers. i guess i’m a naysayer, too, but it’s not because the sex stuff made me take up a confessional booth for ten minutes (no shame, i’m just saying, from experience, most priests don’t care if you read erotica, okay, they’ve heard it before and frankly they just wanna go home because it’s ten A.M. on a saturday and already they could use a shot of jack in their coffee), 

but if y’all know me, you know i love a good sex scene. what i’m getting at here is that, like, these ones just slid off my radar like melted butter. not good melted butter, either. (this is a bad metaphor, maybe. but the point is that i don’t remember them and i don’t even care.)

i guess, on the whole, the tone here doesn’t land for me. it’s just not real, it feels so forced, so wannabe funny and edgy and relatable, but none of those hit quite right. when i first read it, i recall thinking sometimes that “alright, this isn’t bad,” but then i had to deal with “Fat Little Dick” again, or i was constantly reminded of other things — lucy is short, josh is hot, they hate each other, no scenery is described in a way that i can actually picture it, yadda yadda — or else i was subject to quite a bit of body-shaming. that shit was casually sprinkled all over the place, which was both irrelevant to the story, to the characters, and it was just obnoxious. this sort of casual bigotry happens in romance all the time and, like, i’m over it, so i’m gonna point it out every time i try something new and it crops up. 

when this book was rec’d to me, when i saw all the accolades, i thought i was in for some new, fresh, revolutionary read — but then it wasn’t actually… anything. “sometimes it was sort of funny” is the best thing i can say about it, and that’s the best thing i can usually say about most other romances i’ve tried in the last couple years, so i’m not seeing the distinction here, i don't see anything special. i legitimately do not know why this book in particular is so popular. like, there are romances out there that i Hate, poetically, with the fire of a thousand suns, but at the same time i understand why they hit the bestseller list (yet another Discussion all on its own). but this one? i’ve got nothing. 

i’m tentatively considering doing a reread. as i mentioned earlier, but this is probably only going to reinforce everything i don’t like about it, which means eventually i could perhaps give you a more comprehensive answer as to why i so thoroughly Did Not enjoy this book. but, like, who even wants to read that shit? ireally don’t mean to be an asshole about this, but I Don’t Get It, and some of it legitimately pissed me off (the body-shaming, lucy having no friends, both of which are entire Essays onto themselves) — and it’s that second thing i’m not gonna apologize for. in case anyone wanted an apology, but… too bad. 

anyway, in the meantime, i hope this answers your question well enough. it’s actually probably Too Much. but i’m bored and lonely, so i’m gonna go off like a firework best i can, whoops. 

[queerofcups]

By the amount of fic I read and how bad my memory is I'm still not surprised that I remember exactly what happens in your fic a superstar, a year on and I'm still so intrigued as to what would've happened next it was so good and such an interesting take on kid fic ugh your mind blows me away with your creativity and conception of plot

oh wow, a superstar! barring something truly unexpected that’s gonna be a forever WIP, so here anon, is what happens next along with a shit ton of backstory

Backstory / Outline

Dan’s been an au pair since he was 20. He’s only had a few families (because he’s so good and they love him) who all swear by him. Families who can afford nannies are, by nature of the job, usually wealthy. Families that can afford an au pair, particularly one of his rate and reputation, are usually quite wealthy. He hasn’t broken into the big Old Money leagues quite yet, but he finds the nouveau riche to be a little more flexible as far as Dan’s style and general deportment. 

Of course, working primarily with new money means he’s often working with celebrities. They’re British, so the celebrity culture isn’t nearly as rabid as it is in America. 

But he does have a respectable stack of clippings from gossip mags that have identified him as someone’s mysterious new lover or piece on the side. 

He doesn’t blink at Bryony’s assignment of one last job: Phil Lester. 

Lester’s been making a comeback in the last couple of years, rebuilding his cultural cache after a few years outside of the spotlight. Bryony swears it's a short job, nothing like the last years-long job he just wrapped up. 

Dan’s loathe to admit it, but part of the reason he’s hesitant to take on another job, other than wanting a career change, is that leaving families wears on him. 

He’s not that breed of caretaker who can separate himself from his families. Some of these kids he’s watched grow from little lumps of cute into real humans with opinions and preferences and it can be hard to let go. 

Which is why, when he meets Sophia, he knows he’s screwed because she’s a firecracker of a kid and he falls a little in love with her as soon as they meet. 

Note: Sophie’s real first name is Manon

Dan’s bi and ends up helping Phil work through some of his own stuff about being pretty much gay, but having been in love with Margaux

He’s got depression and a touch of anxiety and explains those to Sophia at some point. 

He knows he’s in when he realizes he’s been looking up tutorials for styling curly hair online. 

Phil

Former youtuber that won a contest to be on a couple episodes of some failing TV show & became a dark horse who ends up getting picked up for a few other shows and eventually (shortly) makes the jump to film. 

The industry falls all over themselves to talk about how -nice- he is, how -polite-

It's untreated anxiety that leaves him bordering on panic attacks at every red carpet debut but he never says that. 

It gets worse after he’s caught coming out of a gay bar, mouth still attached to some boy

It's not exactly homophobia that drives him out. People are kind and don’t say anything to his face. 

But suddenly they want to know things. 

How long has he known?

What's his type?

They want him to be a role model and he just wants to live

It's an easy decision. It's so easy to walk away he almost feels guilty. He loves acting, so much it surprised him when he first started, but he knows he can’t stop doing it. 

So he stops taking roles. He doesn’t sign any new contracts. He nods and smiles when people tell him he’s making a mistake and he pickets his last checks. 

He doesn't go far,  just moves to a smaller apartment in London, in a less ritzy area and waitings until people stop trying to follow him home. 

It's not a meltdown, no matter what The Sun (?) says. The fame just starts to feel like a cold hand around his throat and he gets out before it starts to squeeze. 

There are people who understand and they’re proud of him. That feels awkward too, but nothing like the gaze of the public. 

He can eventually go back to school, for video editing, and he has a few things with guys that are short term. 

Which is fine. He’s young enough that he’s allowed to be restless and a little freewheeling. 

Margaux is...was...is a shock to his system. 

She’s a second generation French-American who moved to London so she can be boring in peace. 

(She’s French & Creole specifically. Sophia’s legal name is Manon Sophia Ange Siméon Lester. Obviously she only goes by Sophia Lester for the most part. Her maternal relatives aren’t pleased with that)

Margaux’s family was small when they met and only got smaller over the years they knew each other until it feels like it's just them and Sophia. 

The thing is, Phil never called himself gay. The press did. 

But he would now. Because he knows that there won’t be other women after Margaux. He knows it's unhealthy, but it's better than deciding there will never be anyone else at all. 

They were friends. They’d never called themselves anything more than that--not before Sophia and not after. 

Sophia is nearly seven with Margaux goes on the trip. They’d lived together on and off, so it's nothing strange for her to be with Phil rather than one of her two remaining maternal grandmothers. 

Phil is Sophia’s father, legally, biologically, all the way. But he sometimes feels like the most out of place person in her life. He doesn't know how to express to Sophia how much he loved Margaux while still being a mostly-gay man. 

Phil’s weirdness about bisexuality (his own and the very idea) is a sticking point between him and Dan

Sophia knows and doesn’t particularly get why the delineation matters. All she knows is her Dad sometimes acts unsure of his own Dadness. 

Margaux dies because of a head injury. She’d gone on an extended vacation with friends and gone bike riding without a helmet and fell. The friends took her to a clinic and she’d gotten a bandage for the scrapes to her forehead, a scolding and a clean bill of health. She’d skyped with them that night and made jokes about ruining her moneymaker. In the morning, she was gone. 

People in Phil’s life, his relatives and former friends, characterize Margaux as a funny little deviation that would have just faded into a fun story if not for Sophia. Phil doesn’t argue, because he doesn’t want to upset things)

Dan realizing that Phil loved her is a moment of breaking through Phil’s shiny veneer of untouchable politeness)

When Phil decided to start acting again, he’s not expecting things to progress as quickly as they do. He knows that people were impressed with him when he was younger. He’s shocked to hear words like “critically acclaimed” get thrown around. He was just a kid escaping into the lives of people who had bigger problems than him. 

But he reaches out, because he misses it and he’s tired of being a not-widower, hanting everywhere he goes, and the roles come. 

And the gaze comes with them. There are small things. A c-plot role, a secondary character. A lead role from a smaller studio. And then a big break comes across his desk. It's a middling role, but everyone that gets top billing comes with an Academy Award attached. And there are explosions in the script. The kind that mean a summer blockbuster. He takes it, and suddenly, he’s on the edges of spotlight again. 

Phil knows what he looks like. Internet star turned film star who goes gay, disappears for a few years, then returns, unpartnered with a brown, French speaking, half-American (half black America) pre-teen in tow. He looks like a ton of clicks, maybe a record number of copies sold.

Soph is 11. 

He takes the role and calls Bryony directly, because there’s no way he can do this alone. 

Part One: Meeting

Dan’s finishing up his first month back home after leaving a family. He’s got scripts on his desk--good, meaty roles that have him thinking he might not take another family on, yet. 

Bryony calls, which is interesting. She’s the head of the agency & they’re friendly but not on phone call terms. 

She offers him the job. He initially refuses. She admits it's a personal favor kind of job, and temporary and she wants her best on it. 

Dan agrees to a chemistry meeting. 

They meet up, Sophia charms dan and he still says no. 

She comes with a short term nanny because her dad’s running late. 

Phil shows up & Dan’s jaw clenches because PHil’s the kind of rung-jumping acting success story that Dan’ resents. 

So he’s sarcastic and a little cross because he hates that and the choir boy facade Phil puts on

Maybe he makes a euthanasia joke? Or something about an uncaring universe that goes over Sophia’s head. 

Except Phil laughs and doesn't glanced nervously at Sophia the way parents do sometimes when dan gets a little dark. 

Phil finally sends Sophia off to buy a cupcake so he can be alone and upfront with Dan. 

He explains that it won’t be a long term job, just the 9 months he needs to be in America to shoot and then Dan is free. 

“This is just the first time we’ve done this,” Phil says, watching Sophia through the window. “And I want to give Soph the best. She deserves the best. Better than that.”

And Dan’s a goner. He’s still a businessman, so he asks for time to consider and sends his terms of employment to the agency’s lawyer. But he knows he’s going to do it. He makes a mental note to look up a list of tutors if they don’t already have one hired. 

Part 2: Getting to Know Each Other

Dan makes the assumption that Sophia is adopted & Phil awkwardly corrects him--this is the beginning of their conflict over the word bisexual. 

Phil’s never had an au pair, so he’s uncomfortable with how *there* Dan suddenly is. He doesn’t move into their London flat because there’s not room for him but they start preparing for the move & he’s got experience in ordering houses for that, more than Phil does. 

They don’t have any other staff. Sophia will get a tutor in America, but she’s finishing her year in school & Phil lives well within his means, small flat, they cook for themselves and the cleaning lady visits once a week. Dan’s the only one there all the time & despite all his years of experience, he feels invasive. But he also gets to see how close Phil and Sophia are, including watching them do “homework” together, Sophia doing equations & Phil running lines. 

They go to America. Phil’s one movie has turned into parts in three movies. In one he’s playing a semi-serious playboy villain who was once the husband of the (superhero) lead. In another, he’s a professor/mentor in a teen dramedy. In the last one, the blockbuster/oscar bait, he’s playing a man whose life is ruined by the rise of the regime the main cast is fighting. Dan thinks the last one is the only one that sounds interesting. But he’s impressed with Phil’s handling of learning all the scripts. They’re surprisingly disparate characters. The playboy is, at his core, a sleaze that covers himself in a fine patina of British politeness. The professor is clearly meant to be someone whose awkwardness translates into the kind of cool kids would find appealing & Phil manages to strike the balance gamely. And the last one is...it's Oscar bait and even though Phil’s part isn’t big enough to get him supporting actor billing Dan can see him prepare to give a career-changing, maybe even life changing performance. 

The first two he practices in front of them. Dan gets sick of the lines, finds himself muttering them along with Phil as he makes Sophie’s snacks. 

The other one, only Dan sees. 

He doesn’t at first. For a while Phil locks himself away in his room and Dan can only hear the muffled yelling of a one sided argument. 

But one night he’s sitting, looking out over the city, thinking about going to bed when Phil comes out and asks him, sheepishly, if he’ll listen and tell Phil if he sounds wooden. 

Dan agrees and they sit at the kitchen table. Phil takes a long, steady breath and suddenly there are tears. He holds his head just slightly higher, proudly, and there’s suddenly a stoney archness Dan’s never seen on him before. 

“And so that’s it,” Phil says, his voice cold, closed off and defeated. “Eleven years and you hand me over to your precious leader.”“Josiah,” Dan says, looking at the script. “You have to understand. I had no choice--”“Coward,” Phil says. It's a simple word but still feels like it pierces Dan’s core.“My darling,” Dan says. “Please.”Phil stands. Dan watches him. “Remember that.” He stalks around the table, his eyes still shining with tears. “When I am on my knees, begging for life, when they’ve made you my executioner.”He steps closer, standing a hair too close to Dan, and says, anguished, “Remember that I was once your darling. Your beloved. Your love.”Dan is rapt, waiting for the next line, but Phil clears his throat and takes a step back. “And then they kiss and Josiah leaves,” Phil says, suddenly back in his own body and self. “What d’you think?”“Wow,” Dan says, hoping his face isn’t betraying his surprise that Phil can actually, really act. “Um. It’s good. Your movements could be a little smoother. They were together, right? So Josiah should be used to getting in--what’s her name?”“His,” Phil says, settling back into his kitchen chair. “Theodore. Theo.”“Woah,” Dan says before he thinks better of it. “You’re playing gay?”Phil quirks an eyebrow, “It's not really...playing?”Dan waves a hand, “Obviously. But that’s a big choice, role-wise. You aren’t afraid they’ll just see you as the gay one?”Phil stares at him, brows furrowed until Dan mouths, “What?”“You do know...about me, right? How my career got started? And why I stopped? I’m already the gay one.”“But you have a choice. I’m not saying you should change your mind. The film industries closet shit is bullshit. But you have a choice.”“Dan. I know. And the choice is what I get to be private about.  An actor--a celebrity who isn’t trying to walk back their youthful indiscretion is way more interesting than a mostly gay man with a kid and a dead...Margaux.”Dan feels...so many things. “You can’t hide Sophie. She’s your kid.”“I’m not hiding her,” Phil says, and Dan knows immediately that this isn’t the first time Phil’s heard this exact argument. “I’m protecting her.”

Dan keeps agreeing to run lines with Phil. He never asks for the script, so he learns Josiah through Phil, the early scenes where he’s playful, teasingly sensual, his deteriorating life and mental state and the way he dies. 

They don't run those lines when Sophie is home. It's understandable. It's unsettling for Dan, an adult who understands the depths you can get to while acting, to watch Phil muss himself up and drop unceremoniously to his knees, hands clasped behind himself. It's a short scene & Dan knows the public will be outraged with the scene. But every time he reads his own lines, a choked, delicate line of “I have to.”Phil nails it with workman’s precision everytime, He looks slightly past Dan, huffs a soft broken laugh and says, so quiet and tender, so full of betrayal. “You’ll never forget this day, Theo.” Dan doesn’t know what happens in the rest of the movie, but he’d pay the price of admission to watch Phil say that sentence.He’s been convinced, won over, sold & transported.

The fic doesn't end after they hook up for the first time, follows them through figuring out that this can’t be a one time thing and they both want this to last. Phil encouraging Dan to take on acting and not just because they can’t be together publicly while Dan is Sophie’s au pair. 

Ending of the fic is Sophie and Dan hanging out at the Oscars (or BAFTAs?) waiting for Phil to come out of the bathroom. It's a few years later (enough years that Dan should probably be freaked out about how many of the actresses he and Soph agree are super hot) and Phil’s up for an Oscar for best supporting actor. 

*At some point they get drunk together (after some terrible award show?) and talk about their first and best times with men and Dan accidentally dirty talks to Phil because he’s drunk and reminiscing about some truly outstanding cock he’s had in his day.

[ask-ericson-kids]

My status predictions for episode 4 & achievement theories (Clem won't die theory)

Also let me just say I doubt anyone actually died during the explosion besides the raiders and maybe Minerva??

Violet: (determinant) If Louis was saved, Violet is shown to despise Clementine for betraying her and will side with Minnie. Going as far as to attack you in the cell to prevent you from escaping. I believe if AJ was told to shoot Lilly, and depending on what you say to him after shooting her in EP 4, he might kill Violet if she tries to fight Clem again, finding that she's a threat and it is justified to shoot her. This would indeed be shocking. On the other hand if you saved Violet, I think she's relatively safe but I may be wrong. Maybe she can determinantly save either AJ or Clem by an act of heroism and sacrificing herself in the process.

Louis: (determinant) If Louis was saved, I also think he will relatively be okay. If Louis was kidnapped, shockingly, his tongue is cut out and he is absolutely traumatized, needing the help of Aasim to escape the boat. There has been theorizing of Louis killing himself but it seems ridiculous and unlikely to me. He will be depressed but I doubt he would ever do such a thing. Especially if you romanced him but did not save him. All I can think of is that he might sacrifice himself to save Clem or AJ's life maybe?? I'm not sure what to think of Louis' status. Also there's a small chance he could die from his serious injury to the tougne (maybe blood loss or chocking? But I doubt this will happen)

Clementine: (determinant/alive mostly) Okay so Clementine's fate has been foreshadowed and hinted at ALL season which is unsettling. From being hinted at to drown, to get bitten, to be killed, going missing etc. Even Skybound posted pictures of Clem's hat and a clementine covered in blood. However, I think it's all misleading and trying to trick us to think Clem will get bitten like Lee. I think this is very unlikely and kindaaa lazy. This is Clem and AJ's story, not Clementine and Lee's all over again. I do believe Clementine will be okay! However I do think there is one ending where she might die. I don't know what way exactly but I'm going to assume maybe a major injury? But I genuinely doubt this. I'm optimistic about her making it alive.

AJ: (determinant/mostly alive) Here's a twist, instead of Clementine getting bitten, it's AJ. AJ is always telling Clem his status (ex. "no bites!") Except this time, AJ is bitten, probably by a walker from the herd just outside the ship. And the player must decide what to do in the situation. I still have doubts about anyone getting bit this season though... There's been mentions of the kids being very careful and skilled at survival. To live all these years to them getting bit randomly by a walker is kind of a lame way to go. However, it can still be a possibility. NO ONE so far has died from a bite on screen (Abel being closest) so it will probably happen to at least someone. Another outcome, while extreme, Clementine might have to put down AJ of some sort or resort to leaving with him and departing from the school because it is too dangerous to have him around. In general though, I think AJ will be okay depending on how you raised him.

Tenn: (No fucking idea; but probably alive) Oof I don't know about this one. There has been foreshadowing of Tenn dying many times. He also seems to have some kind of interest in walkers. Will Tenn get bitten? Get shot? He was extremely close to getting shot in episode 3, showing the writers aren't scared of killing off a child. But in the end I really don't know. Will Minerva try and hurt him? Will he have to put Minerva down maybe? I just hope this sweet little boy is okay by the end of this. AJ wants him to learn how to be safe (ep 3) and he would certainly be devasted if something were to happen to him because he is his *second best real friend.

Lilly: (determinant/unknown) If Lilly is spared, I believe she will continue to try and hurt the kids again, potentially killing a major character perhaps? And I think there MIGHT be a chance at a redemption arc. But think about it, what will happen to Lilly when it's over? She's certainly not coming to the school to live with us and the boat is fucked so where the fuck is she gonna go? Thankfully it's been confirmed that once characters are saved from determinant death, they will not die like 20 minutes later (COUGH nick COUGH sarah COUGH) However, I think we will have the choice to kill Lilly ourselves this time IF the player choses to. If not, I guess she could esvape and find a way back to Delta? I don't know.

James: (Alive/Unknown) If Lilly is killed, James is visibly upset that Clementine told AJ to shoot her. I think depending on how you treated James during the barn scene, he will still think you're a good person and help you get the kids out and safe, and will stay at the school with the remaining kids. BUT, if you lied about thinking there's more to walkers, I have a feeling this could backfire somehow and AJ could potentially reveal this to James, deeply upsetting him and feeling used. If you didn't respect him beforehand, James dislikes you, is untrusting of you and he will decide to leave the group at the end and live on his own, back into the forest. Leaving him at an unknown status.

Minerva: (Dead) I think Minerva is unfortunately long gone. She's brainwashed and unable to side with the kids anymore. This leads to her trying to stop them yet again and someone decides to attack her fatally (Maybe AJ, Tenn, Violet (determinant) or Clementine herself), or maybe she drowns and dies during the explosion but I feel like that would leave her story unresolved. There's maybe a small chance she can have a change of heart however and go back to the school but I doubt it.

Other kids [Omar, Aasim, Ruby, Willy, Rosie]: (Alive) Someones gotta survive this season and i think these kids are going to be fine. They're minor/supporting characters and while I love all these kids, their deaths would probably not be that impactful as the mains. And besides, with the amount of characters hinted at to die, this seems like wayy too many dead characters if they were gonna die too. Someone's gotta head back to the school at the end.

------------------------- And now achievement theories!! (potential spoilers)

Let me just say many of the previous achievements are misleading and may sound worse then they actually are so don't freak out too much!

Red Water: I theorize this achievement is hinting at the aftermath of the explosion. Having the water be filled with the corpses of the raiders and walkers. Again, I highly doubt anyone else other than the minor raiders will die.

Final Lesson: Perhaps Clementine teaches AJ an important lesson which will become important for act 3? Maybe she will discuss with AJ the choice she made to either kill or spare Lilly and help him understand certain things.

Savior: "You're our savior Clem!" Clementine is the savior of the kids, getting them all (hopefully) back home and safe where they live in peace finally. Although this could hint at something darker.. Perhaps Clementine is their savior, but will she have to die for them or sacrifice someone else to save them? (Haha this achievement just makes me think of Jesus Christ for some reason)

Survivor/Home at Last: So these achievements are a reason that greatly reinforces the theory that Clementine will not die and in fact make it home at last after the horrors of the Delta. However, I could be wrong but I genuinely think Clem is going to be okay.

OKAY THESE ONES... I hope people keep in mind achievements usually do not contain any major spoilers! They're mostly interactions with the world around so I think people should be more optimistic.

Goodbye: So many think this signifies Clementines death but I saw hell no! I actually think this hints at Minerva's fate! Perhaps Clementine, AJ, Tenn, Violet/Louis will attempt to convert Minerva to return to the school and stop her from being involved with the Delta. Or maybe she gets bit on the neck and nothing can be done so Minerva is left behind but first they say their goodbyes. Specifically Tenn Violet and Louis. The goodbye could be directed at anyone or anything really. It's probably tricking us into thinking something terrible is going to happen when it's actually something minor.

Came full circle: I feel like this might be an important bonding moment between Clementine and AJ. It could also signify a good ending? But like I said, I say it's mostly just an interaction I think.

Promise: I believe this signifies promising your love interest or best friend (Louis or Violet) that you will never leave them and stay at the school with them by their side with AJ. Or, this could be directed at AJ as well but I think he already knows Clementine would never leave him.

Lost and Found: Okay so this one is a bit unsettling I'll admit. We see Clem's lost hat on the screen preview of episode 4 near some water and we see Clem's hat in this very achievement but I think we're reading too much into it. This may simply be an occasion where Clem loses her hat and finds it later on (it's just worded weirdly to scare us). Or maybe AJ finds it or you happen to play as AJ? (I doubt it though.) OR this may occur during a flashback! Such as an instance where we meet Lee again and he finds our hat like how he did in episode 2 of s1. Whatever this achievement means, I doubt its anything major.

So that's all. I've been pretty optimistic about these theories because I just prefer thinking on the positive of things concerning the season finale. Either way I think it will be great and I'm excited! If you'd like to add on with your own theories go ahead!