#if this was remembered riz would be so furious with himself

[colinprovolone]

mannnnn. remember riz investigating porter on fig’s request first ep of sophomore year. i wonder what would’ve happened if he had gotten like a 25 instead of a 16 on that investigation roll. “he takes a lot of trips to fantasy vitamin shop, a lot of protein powders, a lot of supplements” <- insane thing to be foreshadowing

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ KEEPING UP WITH THE ARIZAS ❜

A serie with Michael ‘Riz’ Ariza.

Summary of chapter nine, “The fight”: this one is based on seven years ago, a continuation of chapter seven, ‘The first date: the first attempt’.

Warnings: none.

Word count: about 1.4k

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: @fromthesixteenthfloor

Masterlist.

One month hiding in the ranch, that was consuming you down. Declining Riz's calls, and every incoming call from any Mayan. Your father told them that you were busy with final exams, but your excuses ran out when the summer came and you finished college. Coco wrote you a hundred texts asking you to come to the clubhouse, because he was being full patched and that he wanted to celebrate it with you. And you wish you could find a pretext to avoid it, but you had to face reality. You were broken after your father's words about that Riz would never notice you as more than his best friend's kid, and you have to start to live with that. You didn't care much about your outfit, simply wearing a pair of high-waist shorts, a crop top and a pair of sneakers. You were just to have some quick beers, that was all, before coming back to your misery.

The crew received you between teases and jokes, hugs and kisses. Coco was pretty excited showing you the new patches on the back of his leather kutte, touring them with your fingertips. Until you watched Riz fighting against the other prospect inside the ring. For a moment, you greeted Angel for kicking his ass, just because he didn't feel the way you were feeling. But you actually weren't enjoying seeing your best friend wrestling with the man you loved. Coming closer to the ring, you placed yourself by your father's side, who were telling you that he was sorry the whole time since that night.

Even if you wanted to see the fight, some bitches behind you were making improper comments about the older, that they were making boil your blood. You had to count till thirteen, knowing that they weren't about to stop and that you had so much shit contained on your chest. Everything happened faster than you can remember today. Turning around, your right fist went straight to the nose of the one who was laughing, feeling some creaks under your knuckles before the blood began to stain your skin. You were grabbing her by her dress with the other fingers. Hitting her once and again, until your father held you away and the combat inside the ring was overshadowed for your own one. Hearing Riz's voice claiming for your attention and cupping your chin on a bloody big hand, you came back to reality barely breathing. Watching the girl crying and complaining lying down on the floor and everyone around you looking at you in holy silence, you reacted. Pushing away both men and with a strong pain shaking your right knuckles, you ran away from there. Not because of the retaliations, but because you were ashamed like never before. Probably you pushed Riz into that girl. That's what they do. They talk shit about a man, then play the victim card and get a ride. After that, they can say proudly they fucked a Mayan, which gives them some kind of respect that you don't understand.

It cost you too much to drive your bike back to the ranch, knowing that you were fucked if you tried to press the brake. But even so, you speeded up when you found Riz following you through the road. He was the last one you wanted to see at that point of your life. For a moment you felt like a fugitive, throwing your bike to the ground in front of the porch, and running into it trying to find the keys to open the door. And when you finally got them, your shaky and afflicted fingers let them fall over the wooden floor. It was too late to continue avoiding him, turning you around by a hand on your forearm, unlocking you between the red walls and his body. He seemed furious, breathing angrily and frowning. And you were shivering under him.

“What the fuck are you doin'?”

“Lemme' go, Ariza. Or I will punch you too”.

“Not till you tell me what the hell is wrong with you?” Gulping, you put your gaze away about to cry. “One month without seeing you, without nothing shit 'bout you. And from nowhere, you came back and started a fight, because of what? Ah?”

You don't reply, making him nod in silence for a second.

“You're a fuckin' child”. He just said before pulling away himself.

And that was the lit that made you burn again.

“I'm not a fucking child!” You yelled at the man, pushing his back once and again with both hands, without caring about the pain in the right. “This is your fucking fault!”

“My fault?! Oh, good God, give me patience…” He laughs bitterly turning at you. “I didn't do a shit, what the fuck are you talking 'bout now, (Y/N)”.

“That's the problem! You don't do a shit! You don't feel a shit! Nothing!”

“Seriously, the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I'm in love with you, puto pendejo!”

You couldn't believe that you finally said it. Shocking him, who couldn't believe it either. Twisting his neck like a confused dog, he took a step away. You were already crying, grabbing your keys from the floor about to open the door, but he stopped you again.

“Was that… why you weren' coming to the club, or because you weren' answering my calls? Because you're in love with me?”. He asked taking you off the keys and keeping them in a pocket of his kutte. “That shit will pass in… I don' know, some months, but that's no—”.

“That shit, how you called it, it's been inside me for the last five years”. You sobbed, feeling more fucked than never, pointing your chest. “I was trying to show you… that I'm not a fucking child… I started to work while finishing college. I… I… wanted to tell you but… Fuck, it doesn't matter”.

Cleaning your tears, you let your back run down the wall until sitting, curling your legs and surrounding them with both arms. Your cry got louder, pressing your palms against your eyes, hoping he just left you there. Alone. But he didn't, squatting next to you and trying to hold your wrists.

“Fuckin' leave me, Riz…” You begged shaking your arms, even if you knew that a simple touch from him could make you fall again.

“Let me take care of your hand, okay…? Then, I will leave, if it is what you want”.

“I want you to leave now. I can… take care of my own wounds”.

The man nodded with pursed lips, giving you back your keys before getting up, and walking towards his motorbike. But he confused you when you saw him taking off his gun behind the kutte. And when he shot both tires, jumping away before the bike fell down losing its balance. Standing up on the porch, you raised both eyebrows freaking out.

“Do you want me to break my phone, to use yours to call the crane?”

Swallowing, you shook your head in silence.

“Good, 'cause it's gonna cost me about three hundred bucks. The fucking things I do for love…” He muttered that last sentence, but you could hear it.

“You what?” You asked, cleaning your tears with your shirt, seeing him coming back.

“Open the door”.

“What you said, Riz?”

“I fuckin' love you too. You're smart, kind, caring, lovely… fucking… breathtaking. I don' even know if… that's a fucking word. But the point is that your father is my best friend, my br—”.

“He already knows it”.

“Sorry, what…?”

“But he just said that… if I talked to you about my feelings, you were gonna laugh”.

“Nah, I'm gonna get his daughter and make him regret any shit he told you, making you feel like a shit”.

That made you chuckle, before letting him hug you with both arms, kissing your forehead.

“Okay, miss independence, will you lemme take care of your hand?” You nod before offering him the keys back. “I will need you to practice your studies too”.

“Yeah, you just wan' me because I'll be a doctor…”

“I forgot to say that part”. He laughed, finally opening the main door.

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[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 16

Into the Woods

We rejoin our Bad Kids (minus Riz, who we’ll get to in a bit) who are still on the Goldenrod while chaos happens around them. Fig adds to the chaos by successfully (with a 30!) pretending to be one of Goldenhoard’s minions to no real plot significant effect. I just feel the need to mention every time Fig rolls a 30+. The kids get Gilear out of his hiding place--a sarcophagus--right before it’s launched out as ammo. His safety proves short-lived however because, when Ayda pings that Riz is no longer on the same plane as them, Fabian recklessly sails the Goldenrod directly into Riz’s last known location, instantly killing both himself and Gilear. So he’s for sure back to his old self. 

Kristen brings them back up and passes some heals out generally while she’s at it. Meanwhile, with a Nat 20, Adaine fully Oracles out and knows exactly where Riz was being held. There, they find a smear of blood (which they taste???? even though they know the disease is communicable by blood???) and Riz’s briefcase, but no body. Plus Tracker smells Celestial energy and Ayda senses conjuration magic. But all that subtle sleuthing is made pointless by Kristen getting a Nat 20 (of course) to just stumble into the next room and find a room full of footage of exactly what happened. Wild. 

Bill can’t get them to where Riz is. The best he can do is get them to the Astral Plane. Fig remembers to check on the stuff she stole from Vraz. Baby just got a to-do list but Fig conveniently grabbed a scroll which will create a portal back to Arborly. Then, they cast Zone of Truth on Goldenhoard who gives them this information before they get to the Astral Plane:

Arianwyn was never working with him.

He repeats what we already knew about the NK giving him a coin as part of them working together in the past. He adds that his money being spent would mean it would come back to him 5 fold and also increase the spread of the NK’s power. 

He thinks the NK is a creep and says he never talks and only appears in weird dreams. At Fig’s prompting, he says he does look a lot like the skeletal figure in Adaine’s Scry on the Shadowcat. He also says he never dealt directly with the Shadowcat and can’t see her in the photo. However, the Shadowcat did put him in touch with Aelwen. 

The NK had more followers in Elmville but Goldenhoard doesn’t know who else was because he refused to join the Shadowcat network, which was a requirement. (I wonder if they include whoever the couple in Sandra-Lnn’s past was)

He let the NK have Sylvere when he was taking over the world because he didn’t care about it. 

Meanwhile, our little Angel Riz is en route to heaven with his dad who is happy-shocked to see him. Pok calls in that he’s coming in with a “good aligned, possible CI,” and it’s immediately clear based on the reaction of the person on the other side of the call that Pok talks about Riz all the time in glowing terms. They arrive in heaven and Riz sees that he has a little chair set up at a copy of his grave so he can sit and listen when Riz and Sklonda come and talk to him. Ally is almost crying. Lou is almost crying. I’m almost crying. 

Heaven--or at least this version of heaven--is set up like an office but outside. I’m picturing the classic Window’s XP background. We learn that Pok is a part of a special force called the Lower Planar Recon Task Force. Basically, it’s full of traditionally evil aligned races (like goblins and gnolls) who are perfect for infiltrating places like Hell. We also see that Pok has a plaque for getting his death avenged by his son.

Anyway, we see where Riz gets his attitude from when Pok kicks puts his gameface on (“Clues first, friends later.”) and has an extended puzzle solving scene with Riz (sprinkled with some father/son stuff). Highlights:

Heaven actually didn’t know about the Kalina=Disease thing. Riz and the gang cracked that for them. Kalina doesn’t ping a Detect Good/Evil but Pok thinks she would ping a Detect Poison/Disease.

He started seeing Kalina about 22 years ago after a mission with the Third Ring (see below). No, he didn’t cheat on Sklonda. If it happened via sexual contact, it would have been pre-meeting her.  

Kalina can’t pick things up but she can create the sensation of weight and substance by hijacking your nervous system. So, to his knowledge at the time, Pok had touched her.

He was introduced to Kalina by someone he already knew and trusted from the Third Ring (Falinel government agency). 

Kalina doesn’t have godly intelligence or omniscience. The way she blew her cover was accidentally mentioning seeing something firsthand she would have had no way of seeing (a river being in a certain place). He didn’t call her out then but he clocked it and started looking into her extra-governmentally.

Kalina got Sklonda her job in Elmville--which directly put Pok in the path of Goldenhoard, who ate him. He also strongly suspects that he got Pok’s citizenship revoked--an action that allowed Goldenhoard to harm him.

Pok thinks that, despite the Bad Kids’ focus on the sex aspect of the Shadowcat plague, it’s a lot more general than that (see eg: the life transference spell moving it from Sandra-Lynn to Tracker). 

Father/Son Interlude #1: Riz mentions that all of his friends are super horny all the time and he’s not about that. Pok says that he was a super late bloomer so it’s fine if he’s not into that now or if he’s not into it period--though he selfishly does want grandkids. 

Father/Son Interlude #2: Pok also shares a story about his own relationship with his superficially distant but actually loving 1st gen immigrant dad the twin theses of which are “People show love in different ways,” and “Work is an act of love,” a sentiment that workaholic Riz appreciates. 

Most demons can see Kalina. 

Pok was in hell undercover to try and figure out how devils had been successful in keeping Kalina at bay. He showed up in the Bottomless Pit but he was trapped there for a while--presumably because Gorthalax was in a gem at that time (also Riz mentions for the first time that Sklonda is dating him which he takes OK). 

Pok has a new body so Kalina can’t tap into it. Kalina must have learned where Pok was because Sklonda infected Gorthalax once they started dating and she got the info from him. And since Kalina spurred him to come rescue Pok than she probably wanted him to blow his cover. 

Kalina avoided having her picture taken. Once it was taken, she wasn’t able to do certain things she was able to before.

Pok says that Riz probably won’t be able to visit him again without pretty powerful magic, but Riz isn’t too concerned because he has some pretty powerful friends. And, with that, Pok offers to hire Riz as a consultant for heaven which, you can imagine, he is very here for. He takes his son to get suited up. 

Back with the other Bad Kids, they look at the assorted things Bill has looted and find some Holy Water, which they pocket, and a birthday present for Fig, which she is pretty easily convinced to open early. It’s a sick new bass which doubles as a literal axe (OK, not an axe, it has serrated edges, I just like the idea of an axe-axe) and can shatter rubies. They then say bye to Bill and get back to Arborly (with the Hangman who is still knocked out, but not destroyed like before).

The group collectively decides to leave Gilear in Arborly for both his safety and the safety of Kristen’s high level spell slots. Adaine takes some of his blood so she can Scry on him if necessary. Sandra-Lynn and Gilear exercise their parental rights to make their daughter feel awkward about her love interest. Speaking of said love interest, we learn what Ayda was working on in secret: a spell for Adaine! It’s called Adaine’s Furious Fists and it essentially lets her magic punch people. Adaine can punch people now! I mean, she’s been doing it since S1 but now she can do it effectually! Love that for her!      

Back to Riz. He’s in with an angel called Isosceles (think quasi-eldritch horror Biblical angel, not Halloween costume angel) who is like the Q of the squad. Riz gets hooked up with some new gear:

Trick bullets (like how Green Arrow has trick arrows)

A grappling gun attachment for his gun

Arcadian Watch: Equipped w/ a saw, laser (1d4 radiant dmg) and lockpick 

Seraphim Vest: Basically a wingsuit (temp fly speed of 40 but only laterally and down, not up)

Gregorian Tie: Equipped with a spy camera 

Once he’s suited up, Pok calls up a door that will get Riz back to the moment in time it was called. But, since they’re in no rush now, he asks Riz to take a walk with him and fill him in on some of the boring, mundane, unimportant stuff he missed from RIz’s childhood. It’s very sweet.

Afterwards, Riz pops back up in Arborly and everyone is super happy to see him. Riz almost blurts out what he learned about his dad but wisely moves the conversation to the Van where he tells them everything except the personal family stuff. Based on the info from Riz, Adaine thinks that Kalina was probably introduced into eleven society a couple hundred years ago by Landrynn Lear (fake cleric spreading the Kalina virus they learned about a few eps ago) so it’s not super weird Aelwen and Arianwyn would have been working with her. It’s less weird than Pok working than them. 

Kristen latches onto the part about the picture being taken of her taking away some of her power and they all do checks to puzzle that out. Adaine (with Arcana) realizes that Kalina has to maintain herself in all these people all the time and, if a picture is taken of her--has to make it so that she can be seen by all of those people at all times which is a permanent spell effect which is-as we learned earlier this season--very hard to pull off. Her not being able to do certain things once the pic was taken was probably just her losing power from the strain of this extra magical effect (my takeaway: don’t let her destroy that photo--or, use it as a bargaining chip). Kristen (with Religion) thinks the 4 transubstantiations (familiar to plague and spellbook to curse and so on) are curses which overlap and create synergy (my takeaway: take them out one by one and watch them exponentially drop off in effectiveness). Gorgug (with a Tinkerer’s check) surmises that the way to take the most pics of Kalina and weaken her would be to take a video of her and broadcast it to as many people as possible.    

Gorgug also has another thought: He wants to know if them having and spending their cursed money is actively endangering him. At the prospect, he decides to give all of his money away to the Tinkerer’s Hall (without telling them it’s dragon money, which means the curse won’t get passed on). Kristen, Fig, and Riz follow suit, much to Fabian’s shock and horror. Adaine opts to keep her money since she has no caring family to fall back on. 

They also--I’m just gonna bluntly say this insane thing that Ally conceived of--have another shrimp party which they livestream in hopes that it will go viral, gain a following, and then when they have video of Kalina, they can get lots of people to watch it. And you know what the craziest part is? It’s not a bad plan. It’s c r a z y, but not illogical. To quote Mr. Lee Mulligan, “The charity shrimp party goes super viral.” Amazing. 

The next day, Adaine brings back Boggy (who poofed in the last fight) as an owl so he’ll be a little safer while in Sylvere. Don’t worry, he’s still spherical as ever. The Hangman (now healed) stays behind, as does the Van--but they do take it actual gem out and take it with them. Baby is there and does come with them. Ayda and GaF also come at Fig’s request.

Fig is able to open a passage into Sylvere and they can instantly feel the ambient badness. They decide to start looking for the three things they need to make the Kalina Vaccine: Starmoth chrysalis, Herrowgray nectar, and Lundgreen pollen. The jocks and Boggy go for the chrysalis, Sandra-Lynn, Fig, Adaine, and Ayda go for the nectar, while Kristen, Riz, and Tracker look for the pollen.

The boys don’t find anything but, suddenly, there’s an image of a super creepy witch’s cottage in the gem, and Zathriel (the Celestial inside) bugs out before the gem goes dark. And Ragh is suddenly gone.   

In her group, Sandra-Lynn flies off on Baxter in search of the nectar but the flapping noises that should be happening suddenly stop. Ayda offers to fly after her but then also becomes distressed, asking why they’re in a house (the others can’t see it) before also vanishing.  

Kristen, Riz, and Tracker are looking around stagnant water for the pollen and they see Kalina’s reflection in the water. Kristen starts to film her on her crystal. Kalina (who they can all see at the same time for once) says that in Sylvere, nightmares are real, something demonstrated when Tracker fully wolfs out without the presence of an actual full moon. Kristen tries to Dimension Door out but they're too far in. They try to subdue her but Trcker vanishes into moths (?). Kalina says that Tracker is chasing down what she thinks is Kristen to kill her (which would make sense as being her nightmare). She says that she said she’d kill them if they got into the forest and here they are. She does a little damage to Riz to underline the statement and Riz starts recording her secretly. Kalina is doing small bits of damage (like 1-4 I think) but it’s enough that it will kill them before they have the chance to make tinctures. 

The jocks find the chrysalis and then look for the others. Fig tries to use Ada’s feather to find her but, like the sapphire, it’s dead. Through Boggy, Adaine can see the jocks are flipping out and find the nectar and go find them.

Kristen casts Greater Restoration of Riz and tells him to find Tracker. The attacks stop on Riz and double on Kristen. She’ll be dead before she can employ any kind of healing mojo than can help significantly and the other healer is MIA. Everyone is running to find each other and then they suddenly hear, emanating from every corner of the forest creepy laughter and they all see a crowned skull. Concerning! 

Detention

Fabian for Crashing the Goldenrod

This was almost like the ribbon dancing sequence except Kristen had something to potentially gain from that and this was an absolutely insane course of action for no particular reason. 

Honor Roll

Kristen for Using Her One Greater Restoration on Riz

What a quintessential healer move. Having one heal and giving it away to your party member. Listen, she may have rejected Helio, but he picked her for a reason. Girl is a BAMF.  

 Random Thoughts

“You can't make these things up. You can. We did.”

Actual Crazy Person Bill Seacaseter: I had to kill Gilear as a matter of course but I love Gilear!

Bill tells Gilear to kill any man who looks askance at Hilariel. Fig (mirroring a comment to Bill from last season) questions what he should do if any woman looks at her. An enthusiastic, “Dealer’s choice!” is the answer.  

"If you die in hell do you die in real life?"

Is the message of this season just “Vaccinate your kids”?

Fabian offers to threaten someone who’s bullying Gilear. You know what that is? Growth.

Bill brought the Bad Kids to the Astral Plane but they wanted to get back to Arborly ASAP. I wonder if there was something Brennan expected them to do there and they didn’t.

Fig ripping the scroll was wild but, honestly, I might have thought that was how it worked too. It’s for sure a thing sometimes. But, in a similar vein, very concerned Fig is going to accidentally shatter Gorthalax’s gem prematurely with that bass. Feel like she’s not 100% clear on how that works.   

“I don’t have a crush one anyone. I just want to be rich.”

Riz took over from Adaine this episode in unpacking my high school experiences, lemme tell you.

Wondering where Baron fits into all this. It seems like the kind of effect that Sylvere would be able to produce but he wasn’t in Sylvere when that happened and I feel like that wouldn’t be Riz’s nightmare (unless it represented anxiety about his not dating or s/t like that). What was that about? Who exactly caused it and with what ability? Is that just a standard demon power?

Not important but last week when Brennan said a halo formed around Pok he distinctly motioned around his head and not over his head so I felt happy to have interpreted that correctly when he said this ep that the halo was one of those you see in old pics of like the Madonna and Child and not a modern-traditional angel halo.

The idea of a lower plane task force is extremely dope from a world building perspective. Like, that makes total sense. 

“Don’t even talk to me until my death’s avenged.” I knew that was going to be a real mug as soon as it was said. 

The stuff with Pok and Riz was so unbelievably sweet. Him having a chair set up to listen to his family talk at his grave? Him clearly being the proudest dad and talking about Riz all the time? Him wanting to just talk about unimportant stuff with Riz because it’s his important stuff. Ugh, my entire heart. And Riz immediately reverting to full, “My dad could beat up your dad,” mode. I love them so much.  

I feel like Siobhan took coming up with a spell for Ayda as an actual out of game homework assignment which she should because Brennan *will* let her do it and then Ayda will save the party with it. That’s how D&D works baby I don’t make the rules. Hit me up with your best ideas.

Adaine actually asked Gilear for some of his hair in order to Scry on him and he’s the one who offered blood instead because he couldn’t spare any more hair. Feel like there’s gotta be a spell for that

Siobhan just casually says the phrase, “Mycelium web,” once again just being Adaine.  

Couldn’t Kalina just say, “Screw it,” and stop showing up in pictures if the strain gets too much? Like, if your cover is blown, it’s blown. Or is it set up in such a way that it’s gonna screw her before she has the chance to turn it off?

It’s funny that Zac is playing such a low Int character because he’s actually figured out a lot of stuff this season and he’s the one who remembered that dragon madness won’t get passed on if the person who gets the money has no knowledge that it’s dragon money. I wonder if we’ll get to see him play a non-Himbo next season.

Adaine, predictably, has no social media presence. Speaking of social media, I love the naming convention of just sticking the word “fantasy” in front of things like Twitter and Google--as in, “You guys are all over Fantasy Twitter.” Like, why even complicate things? You know what this is. 

Goodbye card for Gilear: Outside--Gilear I need you/Inside--to get me a cortado.

I had a stray thought that Riz could possibly use the door to come back after having done angel training for like a month but (1) that’s a little meta-gamey and (2) they were making an exception for him to be there that short time as it was. Anything else probably would have been pushing it. 

Is Pok’s heaven affiliated with any deity or is it just where all the good workaholic secret agents go? To me, it seems like it liaises with all the other heavens more than being it’s own main heaven, you know?

Oh man. Ayda disappearing and Fig clutching her powerful feather, begging her to come back after indirectly putting her the situation she’s currently in? Heartbreaking dude. 

I wonder why the people who disappeared disappeared beyond just getting rid of the NPCs.

Edit: Forgot to mention the part where Kristen rolled a -1 with her trash Dex so Ayda had to give her a portent roll to not instantly blow everything. 

The Bad Kids are in a very precarious position right now. If I trusted Kalina to be someone of her word, I might try to bargain with her--destroy the picture in return for letting us leave. From a DM standpoint, I think it’s probably a good time for an Abernant Ex-Machina. They’re in the forest too as far as we know and they gotta come back into the story somehow. This could be the time. 

Everyone going off about how Riz is a little angel and he could have told them if he was a Celestial and how much he loves Gilear while he’s not in the scene and can’t say anything is peak D&D. 

Bill Seacaster saying a bunch of insane nonsense and then Adaine being like, “Nice seeing you Mr. Seacaster,” is also peak D&D. 

This episode, Adaine, Fig*, Kristen and Brennan (as Sandra-Lynn) each rolled a Nat 20. Adaine and FIg each rolled one Nat 1 that was canceled by disadvantage and Riz rolled one Nat 1 that stuck. 

*I actually am not 100% Fig rolled at Nat 20. Kristen did for sure but I don’t have a Tally for her so I might have flipped those by accident.  If you happen to know for some weird reason, lemme know. 

[philly-osopher]

let’s fix Do No Harm

a.k.a. Do No Harm if it were actually a show I would watch, requested by @thisstableground​ in the meme thingy I was doing

This was something swan and I came up with because I, as a biology-person in Philadelphia, where DNH is “set,” was outraged and perplexed by whatever the fuck the working environment/ general structure of the hospital/ the fact that the writers gave zero shits about medical or scientific accuracy/ have never seen a lab/ have in fact probably never talked to a scientist/ have zero idea about actual psychiatric conditions.

So this turned into my crack conspiracy theory that the whole Jason/Ian multiple personality angle of the show is in fact a plot by Big Pharma steal Dr. Ruben Marcado’s research. Excerpt, somewhat de-chatficced (written by both swan and me) and condensed for sanity reasons:

this whole thing is a conspiracy to steal Ruben's     research

he's a chemist who doesn't know medicine for shit, so     he falls for the whole ridiculous Jason/ Ian thing easily

the man INVENTED TWO NOVEL NEUROACTIVE DRUGS IN FIVE     YEARS     he is a one-man billion dollar pharmaceutical company

for context most drug companies have stopped doing     neuro research at ALL because it is so shitty

okay so. ruben is a goddamn motherfucking einstein-level     field-revolutionizing SAVANT

who for some reason doesn't seem to recognize this.

but he's a lonely guy. clearly, because he lets jason     get away with treating him like shit all the time. and for some reason     Pharma can't go their normal route of hiring him to be on their staff.

unclear why, because he's trying to sell one of his     drugs to a pharmaceutical company in the show and they're only offering     him a million dollars, which is insultingly low. but anyway. ruben's not     selling his drugs.

maybe he tried marketing one early on and people had     adverse reactions and it was Very Bad

so now he sticks to the basic science side. he just     uses his drugs as tools in the lab. yeah they have medical applications     but he's so scared of hurting someone, hence "do no harm" eh?

so along comes this drug company. they're read his     papers. they desperately want their hands on his formulas but he's not     selling. they try hacking his computer but all his most important notes     are pen and paper, physically locked in the lab, and security in this     building is mega-tight because it's a children's hospital

so they have to come up with another way. they've got     to give ruben a reason to go forward with these potent antipsychotics he's     testing. they have to motivate him to try them in human patients. they've     got to make this PERSONAL

so they find a burned out med student. a guy who's     failed his boards, who is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, who's     desperate for money, and who, incidentally, has a background in theater.     remember, ruben's not a trained doctor. he knows organic synthesis and     neuropharmacology

[at this point swan asked to recast Jason/Ian as someone whose face she could stand to think about, and we decided Riz Ahmed. But then after the conversation we decided to gender flip the whole thing, and long story short we decided that Jason/ Ian is now played by Amal Clooney even though she doesn’t act and Ruben is played by Gina Rodriguez. But for right now it’s Riz and Lin.]

the guy comes to him with this sob story about how he     NEEDS this drug. he would be such a good surgeon, he would save SO MANY     LIVES, if he could just have it!

okay so this guy's job is to get samples of the drug at     all costs

and if he doesn't the debt collectors are gonna come     break his legs

so it's not really *his* fault so much

but first he befriends ruben

they bond over people always mixing them up

and ruben is so lonely. like, he works all the time and     he stays away from all the docs because they Know His Failure and he still     lives with his mom

so having somebody come in with a lot of common     interests and no prior knowledge of how bad he fucked up (in his mind) is     huge for him

the common interests are a nice coincidence, of course,     but not so much of a coincidence when you remember they hacked his     computer

and gradually the friend opens up about the problems     he's been having

heck, maybe he just fakes a “transformation” into his     “evil alter ego” right in front of Ruben, really freaks him out

either way, it becomes clear that his situation is     desperate, and only ruben can help

and from then on the guy is just trying to extract more     and more sample of the drug from ruben without raising his suspicions that     he's from Big Pharma

and i think that it actually would make sense plot-wise     if Jason seduces Ruben in this

he's got to keep raising the stakes

because that makes it so much harder for Ruben to say     no if it's his BOYFRIEND who needs help!

he's gotta keep Ruben Invested!

basically in the show it's already an abusive     relationship so this is just taking it to an abusive partnership

but what Jason DIDN'T count on......was developing     feelings of his own

it's bad

:(

he's making increasingly desperate excuses to his     bosses

because he can't bear to keep tormenting Ruben like     this

playing on his feelings

physically threatening him while pretending to be a     split version of his personality!

Ruben always tearful and apologizing because he's not     working fast enough and he's so sorry

maybe the debt collectors come by to threaten him and     Ruben is there or finds out

and he has to make up some story about his split     personality spending all his money

Ruben offers him help

hmm... at what point does Jason snap and tell Ruben     everything so they can take on the pharma company together?

hopefully soon, for the sake of poor Ruben's peace of     mind, and my own

again, i know NOTHING about the show except the basic     premise and Ruben

i mean, naturally, after the truth comes out, they'd     have to have an episode or two devoted to the break between 'em

get that angst, you know

but Ruben comes back to Jason, because he has to get     back at these people who were USING him, and Jason is his only in

Ruben working even longer ridiculous marathon days     because when he's hallucinating about being in lab from lack of sleep     (while he's still in lab), at least he's not thinking of Jason and how he     played him like a fiddle

maybe Big Pharma tries to break in again?

maybe they try another way to push him, and Jason has     to save him?

their relationship is strictly business going forward,     says Ruben. i can't trust you like that. we're clearing this up and then     we're done for good

Right, yeah, obviously, i hurt you, says Jason

like, after Jason delivers his report that he can't do     it, and is about to go on the run from the debt collectors, he realizes     they're going to come after Ruben the hard way next

This is a working vengeance-based relationship (false)

so when he goes in to save him it's pure emotion, but     he *says* all the vengeance stuff to get Ruben on board

he's still a really good liar, after all this

but he swears to himself that's the last time he's     going to lie to him

after this he'll leave him alone, but he just has to     know he's safe

it's his fault the pharma company is so hungry for     Ruben's formulas

they didn't even KNOW about the second drug til Jason     told them

presumably somewhere in here, there's a reference to     "lying's the only thing i've ever REALLY been good at." [rueful     smile]

and Jason has to be the ONLY one who can find him he     just needs [x giant pile of resources]

basically, a new passport, a pile of cash, plane     tickets to Jamaica

a way to a new life

and after it's done he gives them to Ruben

people always did mix them up!

although lbr Ruben might not be down for an extended     tropical vacation

but maybe he NEEDS one, yanno?

and if his lab got trashed in some incident i'm sure     he's absolutely furious about, he's got no reasons to stay in Philly while     it’s being prepared

i love this. like there's your running gag throughout     the first and into the second act of people mixing Ruben and Jason up

but then it becomes PLOT-RELEVANT!!! ...and that’s all I got the end!

[libraryscarf]

My first commission, for @themusicalbookworm​ who wanted Royai in a Steins;Gate AU! Thank you, Gio! <3333

title: first, we burn ( ao3 / ff.net ) length: 1.8k words Riza Hawkeye, regular scientist, knew what happened to people when they died. But she would not become dust without burning first.

Roy Mustang, mad scientist, did not believe in hell.

He did not believe in hell—not even when his best friend was shot to death in front of him. He did not believe hell existed, least of all for a person like Maes Hughes.

And, although Roy was a scientist (mad or otherwise), he hadn’t really thought much about death—at least not in its prosaic, everyday reality. He had studied dead things before, but they had always arrived that way. He had never seen a living, speaking thing go from not-dead to dead.

And Maes Hughes was so very, very dead.

No, Roy Mustang did not believe in hell. Not until he tried to drag someone out.

: : :

“For the last time, I’m not going with you,” Riza insisted to the supremely unconcerned Rebecca, who dangled from her wrists an array of frothy outfits that displayed a shocking lack of coverage.

“Have you even seen the men there?” Riza continued, swatting the garments aside. “They’ve got all the charisma of the inside of one of Havoc’s shoes, and probably smell just as good.”

Roy had found himself in the middle of this precise conversation eighty-eight times already. He knew Rebecca would then say:

“You’re just stereotyping. Come on, Riz! You’d look like pure sex in this one!”

She scooted forward, holding the hangers under her chin. One of them slipped from her grasp, and Roy automatically shot a hand out to catch it. He was rewarded with a smirk from Rebecca that positively dripped allure, before she dropped a miniskirted, vaguely military-inspired confection into Riza’s lap.

Eighty-seven leaps ago, that would have earned a reaction from Roy. Now, he knew Riza would just elbow him in the ribs.

Hard.

“Is this a convention or an orgy?” she asked instead, nose wrinkling.

“Yep!” Rebecca said blithely.

Roy got up.

“What’s your rush, soldier?” Rebecca purred. He didn’t answer, but wordlessly left the apartment. The door swung shut behind him. He didn’t need to turn around to know Riza was already following.

Once outside, he headed straight for the railing to lean his elbows on top of it. He rested his sweating forehead against both sets of knuckles, and tried to remember how to breathe.

He felt Riza standing behind him, and when he stopped being dizzy, he turned around to look at her.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

And he said the word he always said, ever since he learned it was the fastest way to make her understand.

“Riza.”

Her eyebrow quirked.

“What, no ‘Assistant’ this time? No ‘Elizabeth?’”

Roy coughed up a laugh, but it sounded more like a sob by the time it came out. He’d known it already, even before sending himself back. He’d known that his best friend would die again in this timeline, and he would either be there to watch, or he wouldn’t.

This time, he was weak. This time, Hughes died alone.

Roy’s body crumpled over the railing, his forehead meeting clenched fists. He was aware in whatever small, griefless part of himself still left that this was a posture of prayer. He did not believe in god.

Silently, Riza manifested at his side. She was close enough for him to smell her: a breath of mint-and-chamomile that was almost impossible to notice, until it was gone again.

“Help me,” he said, because he knew she would.

Roy Mustang, mad scientist, did not believe in many things, but the girl at his side had already done more to earn his trust than any hell or any god ever could.

: : :

Riza Hawkeye, regular scientist, knew what happened to people when they died. She had studied the enzymes and acids of the human body; she had watched them dry up into dust and get swept into tidily labeled textbooks and between the pages of anatomy portfolios. The thought of it had given her a dark, glorious sensation of melancholy.

She imagined it happening to her own body, and she felt nothing at all.

“You won’t be able to live with yourself if you don’t save him,” she said aloud.

“I can’t,” whispered Roy. She wasn’t sure whether he said it in direct response to her statement, or in helpless ownership of his own ineffectiveness. It was raining outside, and Roy was always more unmanageable than usual when it rained. Either way, Riza decided it was nonsense.

She was about to tell him this when he spoke again, even more quietly:

“I don’t want to lose the person I care about most.”

A match sprang to life at the top of her spine, flickering with heat and hope.

“Wh-what?” she said.

“I’m in love with you,” he said.

Flames dripped down every one of her vertebrae, searing their way across her ribs. From an analytical perspective, she shouldn’t be able to breathe if her lungs were on fire.

“So…what is your response?” Roy asked.

The fire climbed up her throat, and into her mouth. It moved her lips, and she said:

“Will…you shut your eyes?”

—Then, as an afterthought—“Please.”

Roy turned fully toward her, his half-lidded gaze jumping between her eyes and her mouth. Her chest burned fiercely, and she swallowed. At last, after three endless seconds, he shut his eyes.

Riza sucked her lower lip between her teeth, reaching up to pull him closer by the lapels of his dingy lab coat. He took one step forward. He exhaled softly through his nose, unsettling the hair on her forehead.

She kissed him.

The fire took her from the soles of her feet to her scalp. It wasn’t until he was kissing her back…and then again…and then again…that she realized how badly she wanted to live.

Riza Hawkeye, regular scientist, knew what happened to people when they died. But she would not become dust without burning first.

: : :

The darkness of the supply closet was so absolute that it nearly bore physical weight. Roy crouched beneath it, waiting. Waiting.

“I thought we could publish the research together,” came Riza’s voice from much closer than he expected.

A cold, furious male voice retorted: “You foolish little girl.”

The footsteps slowed. Riza came into view, followed by an older man. Roy ground his teeth together as he instantly recognized Riza’s companion. He had her same deep-set, thoughtful eyes. His, however, glowed with the sick fury of humiliation. As Roy watched, the man’s fingers twitched hungrily toward the thick folder Riza cradled in her arms.

“It’s not enough that you’ve destroyed my career,” he hissed, “but now you want to rub it in my face?”

“No,” she said at once. “No, I—”

The strike was viciously fast, a whipping backhand that caught Riza on her cheekbone and sent her crashing into the boxes.

Roy saw nothing but red.

Outside the roaring in his ears, he heard the thin snick of a pocket knife being flicked open, and he lunged.

: : :

Riza would have almost preferred to be stabbed by her father. At least Berthold Hawkeye had been aiming for her. This stranger had no business holding the knife that was now lodged deep between her ribs.

Dimly, she was aware she had just been murdered, but that information seemed foggy, faraway, unimportant.

This was what she thought: I’m sorry.

“Riza.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Riza, no—”

“—You don’t even know me. I’m sorry you had to…”

She flapped a hand vaguely in indication of the argument that had just passed.

“I did it,” said the man who had killed her, between shallow, broken gasps. “I did it. It was me.”

Riza felt sorry for herself, because it hurt to breathe, and because she still wanted to be here a bit longer, and because she didn’t want her father’s last words to her to be words of hatred. She didn’t want to have to die in this stranger’s arms, leaving him with the empty weight of her body for company.

Amidst her internal apologies, Riza found she was on the floor, slumped against her distraught killer.

“Riza, Riza, no,” he moaned. “It was me. It was me.”

Strange. He shouldn’t know her name. Maybe they had met before. He leaned away from her to try and put pressure on the pulsing wound, and the light from the hallway spilled over his face. Riza’s punctured heart sputtered quietly before retreating into its final few gasps.

She had seen him before. Had that been today, or a month ago, or ten years ago…?

She had known him before.

“Roy,” she said, and died.

: : :

Roy Mustang, mad scientist, did not believe in hell. He had seen things more strange and more awful than anything hell could devise for him.

Havoc, Rebecca, and Hughes stood waiting in a semicircle when he stumbled out of the time machine. All three of them looked more than slightly unnerved by the viscous ribbons of blood dripping from his fingers. He stared around at them like a man woken from a nightmare.

“So—?” Havoc began to ask, but stopped before completing the question. Something about Roy’s gory hands and destroyed expression halted any attempts at interrogation.

“It was me,” he finally said. “I did it. I killed her. It was me.”

“What?!”

Rebecca took half a step forward, then seemed to forget what she was doing. Her eyebrows plunged together in concentration.

“No…what?!”

Roy discovered that he was walking away from them.

“Where are you going?” Hughes called after him.

“I need to wash my hands. I’m going back to save her.”

“Hang on—Roy—”

He was walking quickly, but Hughes caught up with him. Havoc and Rebecca weren’t far behind. Roy stopped, whirling on the three of them so fiercely that Havoc actually stumbled back.

“Whoa, dude, we’re not here to block your way.”

“We’re here to help,” Rebecca supplied instantly.

Although every one of his nerve endings had deadened after Riza’s death, Roy felt a flicker of something in his chest. It stirred to life, the same as when he had met her, the same as every time they matched wits, the same as when she had ordered him to close his eyes—

: : :

Roy Mustang, mad scientist, had witnessed firsthand the impossibilities of time travel in the form of a green, radioactive banana. He had sucker punched several significant laws of temporal physics into oblivion. He had resurrected his best friend a hundred times, and watched it fail a hundred more. He had met Riza Hawkeye, and he had loved her, and he had killed her. He didn’t need to believe in hell—not when this was his reality.

But Roy Mustang, mad scientist, had cracked his sanity open on the edge of a microwave, and it had made him fearless.

So there was really nothing for him to do but to claw his way back out, and bring her with him.