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#ill be fucking damned if you catch me not binging drugs this whole fucking week
pizzapizzadickz · 2 years
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#diary#drugs tw#personal#high#ill be fucking damned if you catch me not binging drugs this whole fucking week#lmao. im not joking. i plan to be high 24 fucking seven#im sorry if anyone wants to talk to me but like. im not up to it lmao#haaah. i ate some edibles (theyrw just a had candy tho) to like. quiet my mind down a little. and im glad i did.#i wouldve prefered to take a smaller dose (i only have 10 mg rn ;-;) but whatever. i just feel its a waste as im going to bed so lol#haah. im so tired. too much has happened lately and im just done.#disordered eating#eating disorder#i like. weighed myself again today and i gained a couple pounds :/ like. thats not the worst i guess but id rather not? yknow#suicidal ideation#self harm#idk i just wanna die latley. and if i dont i just dont wanna bother. its too much effort. what am i supposed to do with my time?#idk i just dont know what to do with myself bc im busy which in turn makes me give up on life lol.#...ive also been planning on self harming for a while now. i think i may still.#i do try to never self harm while intoxicated. but i was planning on doing that anyways today lol#yknow... i wish i had something stronger. like. i just wanna dissapear into oblivion. i just want nothing more than to give up#and i kinda think i am? slowly but surely. im just sorta letting go of things.#i feel like im just. sorta losing myself a bit. like. it feels like im just watching everything happen to me.#i forgot how it feels being around others. like. theres everyone else. and then theres me.#i hate it. ive always hated this window i have to watch others. but they all just. look at me strangely.#at least thats what it feels like. people gawking at a cadged animal...#im exhausted. i sorta wanna chat with a friend. but im also super tired and high and a mess and whatnot.#...oh well. theres not much to be done. i may as well just text bc im lonely.
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purplesurveys · 3 years
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1279
Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends?  I don’t keep contact.
Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual?  Hmmmm, I don’t think so. I feel like that would be the type of comment that would get to me so I definitely would’ve remembered it.
Would you get a lip piercing?  I don’t plan on getting any piercings.
Nose piercing?  Nopes.
What are you currently waiting for?  For this fucking day to end so I can be closer to Thursday and to the weekend.
Do you have feelings for anyone?  Nah.
Have you ever run over an animal?  Nope. I’ve had extremely close calls with animals who suddenly dart into the road, but fortunately these have all been situations wherein I got to hit the brakes with nobody behind me.
Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?  That’s disgusting, no.
When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’?  Sure, out of habit and just to be polite.
When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle?  I don’t think I’ve ever been on a bouncy castle, but I’ve been on a lot of bouncy other things haha, like inflatable slides, soccer balls, Anpanmans, etc. The last time would probably be a nearly a decade ago; I definitely haven’t been near one in a while.
Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk?  Well no, because the ones I’ve been on were situated in school fairs, which is the last place I would want to be drunk in.
Have you ever entered an art competition?  No, I have no justification to join one haha.
What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. < Same. 
What is one food that you detest?  Pineapples.
Did you have a rebellious phase growing up?  Yeah I was a bit of a handful to raise, but I’m in firm in my stance that it had a lot to do with the way I was raised. I grew up mostly without a father figure because my dad worked abroad and I felt neglected by my mom who had her own shit to deal with. There was no stable support system to lean on, so I ended up lashing out a lot in my puberty years. Unfortunately everyone else just saw a rebellious child and not a plea for help.
These days when I show off my achievements on social media, I’ll see congratulatory comments from my mom’s friends and she’ll usually go on about some “late bloomers grow with time” narrative and it pisses me off because nobody knows how much I’ve had to grow and mature and learn how to be happier all by myself, all from scratch. If I had just received the proper care and attention early on, I wouldn’t have had to do any catching up to begin with.
What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic.
Are you still that religion?  Jesus no. I darted out of there as soon as I gained the consciousness to think about these sorts of things.
Do you often find yourself questioning your future?  Sometimes, but I do my best to not let it get to me.
How many friends do you have on Facebook?  Over 670.
What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school?  I started with punk rock in the first half of high school, so I had my Rancids, H2Os, Against Me!s, Cro-Mags, etc on my iPod. It evolved a little bit towards more indie, folksy sounds towards the latter half - Banks, alt-J, Hozier, Twenty One Pilots - which I largely attribute to the crowd I was part of at the time.
What pet names do you use with your significant other?  I’m pretty straightforward so baby works out for me. Other, more specific pet names just grow naturally with the relationship, I think.
What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries?  S&R.
Have you ever seen a theatre show?  Yeah. Most of them have been required.
What’s your favourite vegetable?  Broccoli or bell peppers.
Have you ever missed a flight?  Never. I’ve experienced several delayed flights, though, which is always such a hassle especially if the delays happen in provincial airports since they never have any recreational offers to keep passengers from getting bored other than TVs that run the same damn five ads.
Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them?  Yeah, a lot of have dogs. I’ve met some.
What color is your bedroom door?  Brown.
If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans?  Only towards obsessive ones who wouldn’t give me time to breathe or would go so far so as to stalk me or my loved ones. But I am a fan too, so I imagine I would actually be understanding of those who would ask for pictures or whatever as long as they were polite and not at all intrusive.
Have you ever met your favourite band/singer?  Nah. I am terrified of meeting celebrities HAHA so I’ve always shut down the chance. I’m pretty sure I would actually turn down the chance to meet BTS if I hypothetically suddenly got the magic keys to that door.
Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like?  No. I feel like that sort of thing just happens in like high school, when your friends are still a bit judgmental. Nowadays I don’t see why I should be embarrassed of anything I like, especially if it’s not hurting anyone.
Have you ever written a story?  I’ve made attempts but was always terrible.
Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it?  My homework that required me to write said poem hahaha.
Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? 
What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child?  Watching commercials at night. It’s still a slight fear of mine but it’s mostly dissipated now.
Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you?  About me? No. I don’t have a lot of those since I was a really shy kid who barely moved a finger anyway.
In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show?  I have a *really* soft spot for Perfect Strangers, which I actually revisited yesterday :) The show was never super popular so it’s near impossible to find clips online, but when I checked YouTube I did see a slight increase in short snippets from the show so I had a really fun time binge-watching yesterday.
What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have?  Three, but that’s pushing it. Ideally, I’d have two so my first would have company.
Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness?  Mental ones, yes.
Are you comfortable with who you are?  For the most part, yes.
Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it?  No. Why would it be any of their business?
Does popularity matter to you at all?  I mean, yeah in the sense that I honestly aspire to be well-liked by as many people as possible. But I don’t necessarily want to rub shoulders with popular kids.
Would you ever consider homeschooling your children?  Continued from sometime this week ider. No. I don’t think I’m capable of teaching, and generally I’d want them to be able to learn in a more open environment where they can have regular contact with different kinds of people.
Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to?  Well Angela got into them first and since we’re best friends, there was a certain point where she just decided to loop me into conversations that involved them. I was impossible to sway for a long time, but then one day a video compilation of them showed up on my feed, and for some reason I actually watched it, and I watched all the way through, and I was immediately intrigued – particularly by J-Hope haha. I then asked Angela to tell me more about them and the rest was...financially irresponsible history HAHAHAHA
Do you ever read fanfiction?  OMG yes. Funny you should mention that because my favorite author uploaded a brand new fic this morning, which I obviously couldn’t get to all day because I had to go to work. I’ll be reading it in all its 44,000-word glory tonight :D
Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire?  Plane crash. Instant and mostly painless.
What are your top five favourite TV shows?  Breaking Bad, BoJack Horseman, Friends, The Crown even though I was never able to continue it since...andddd that’s all I got.
What is your favorite superhero movie?  Not a fan of superhero movies.
If you died next week, what would be the cause of death?  Stress from overworking. I’ve FINALLY started to consider taking a leave for the first time this year because I’ve just realized just how fucking exhausted, burned out, and overwhelmed I actually already am from having no rest at all in the last 13 months.
Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why?  Yes, I do mass deactivations when I’m severely depressed. These days I can’t really afford to that anymore, though, since my work is closely tied to social media.
Who is the most talented person you know?  Probably Andi.
Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with?  No.
Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? 
Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened?  Nah. I’ve had two people like me at the same time, but there was never any tension to watch out for since they mostly didn’t know each other.
Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened?  I think they know I dated Gabie and that we broke up because they’ve stopped asking about her. Everyone knew we were best friends, so the fact that they’ve avoided her as a topic for a whole year is able to tell me something.
Are your parents more liberal or conservative?  Dad’s on the liberal side, mom dances around on the spectrum a little bit. I know she’s fine with things like tattoos and having LGBTQ+ co-workers, but she’s also conservative especially towards matters like religion.
What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year?  No longer in school.
How far away does your closest family member live?  A few footsteps away.
If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland?  It’s not my type of movie/genre to begin with.
Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not?  Yes. I don’t see the big deal; I’ve already done it anyway.
Are you more liberal or conservative?  Liberal.
Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?  Ooh not sure. I haven’t gone back to the books in a while, so I don’t remember if there was anyone I had an attachment to.
What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry?  Nothing.
What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done?  Had sex...I guess? And a bunch of stuff that comes with it.
Name something that you are against.  Racial discrimination.
Why are you against it?  Because it is infuriating to see, and it shows me the very same treatment can happen to me or my family as well and that scares me, especially since some people turn particularly violent towards people of color.
Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games?  No.
Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy?  I imagine I wouldn’t enjoy it if I’m not as into whoever my next partner would be.
Beatles or Rolling Stones?  I don’t listen to either.
When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody?  Not so sure about a whole change in opinion because that hasn’t happened in a while, but I grew more grateful for my manager today because I finally mustered the strength to tell her that I’m begin to struggle mentally with work and she not only encouraged (read: begged) me to file a damn leave for once, but she also got sushi delivered to my place.
What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why?  Andi was telling me about their day today and how they handled being misgendered by a prof, who then proceeded to throw a fit when he got corrected, and how they, again, maturely handled said fit. I was proud of them because there are a million ways that incident could’ve turned out, but they dealt with it in an extremely mature and calm manner considering they were the one who was wronged.
Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you?  If it was about an extremely personal problem I would probably be taken aback at first, but I still would definitely make some time for them and help in however way I can, since they apparently trust me enough to confide.
What was the last thing to fascinate you?  The music video for My Universe! Super cool to watch and I love that they made a short film out of it too.
Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you?  Doors being slammed shut, because that’s what my mom does when she’s furious. She did that when I was a kid and she does it to this day, so I get extremely nervous when I hear the sound, even if it happens by accident.
Do you have a favourite microorganism? Nope.
Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next?  My cousin Bree.
If you have pet fish do you bother to name them?  I did when I had them as a kid.
Do you keep your eggs in the fridge?  Yes?
Have you ever owned chickens?  Nope.
When did you last listen to music?  Like five minutes ago. I tried to have a jazz playlist on but I realized I wasn’t in the mood for music so I changed my background noise to have a random VLive on instead. 
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