#i feel like im just. sorta losing myself a bit. like. it feels like im just watching everything happen to me.

[lovecrazedpup]

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[mightymizora]

Hello mighty mizora! Big fan here of your work the way you write is so mesmerizing honestly im always in awe!! I have a small question i hope its not annoying i've asked this question to another writer who i liked once but they were so mean to me back so i understand that maybe its not the best question to be asked but i have ADHD and i need alittle direction so i hope maybe you can give me some (its totally okay if you dont want to ! ) Do you have any pointers to someone who has never wrote anything past school essays and to do lists if they want to start writing fanfiction and have it be nice and expressive? I have so many ideas i write them down write 5 sentences thats like a summray maybe a few sentences of some scenes of romance sorta like a small outline it feels so dry... And i dont know what to do past that... Essays had structures and preferred starting intros and all that but i feel lost when i try and start a story, i know myself and i know once i start i will not shut up but starting feels like a wall and i dont know how to climb yk ?

Hey pal!

Firstly thank you so much and also I'm sorry you had a bad experience with another writer. You've asked this so nicely. And apologies for this being delayed I thought I had clicked post but I'd saved the draft again!

So I'm not going to claim to be an expert in this but the way I approach this is:

I start with what I want to say with a piece. What do I want to explore? What do I hope the reader will take away from it? I then jot those down for myself at the top of the document, just like you describe with your summary! If this changes as I discover things that's okay, but it's kind of my road map.

I usually also start in the middle of some action, or with a line of dialogue. Honestly you don't have to do this at all but the joy of fanfiction is you don't have to do loads of exposition! People know who the characters are and you can dive into things! It means you get stuck right in which I personally like.

I also don't write chronologically! I think we can get so stuck on things. I think of writing a story like pruning a garden, so I might write some "holding sentences" per scene and then work on scenes as they come to me. It's a good way to build up the bits as you are inspired. You can see this really clearly in a piece like Blood and Bone which is very sparse, some of the holding sentences in that fic are still in there.

When it comes to dialogue, I use the actioning method used in acting and I work out what people want to do by saying something. I like when characters don't say things outright, but say a hundred words by what they don't say. A character can say I love you, and it's good, but what if they say I don't want you to leave? What is left in the gaps?

When it comes to description I think I have a long way to go honestly but again. What are people seeing, smelling, tasting, seeing touching? What is their primary sense? Does it evoke anything else for them, or are they entirely in the moment? This can vary from character to character.

Another thing to think of is variant rhythm. Once you have a first draft down, go over it again and look at sentence structure. Can you add variation by changing the length of sentences? Can you tell a story in the rhythms you use? I'm a big fan of long run on sentences in romance showing a character losing control, for example.

And the big secret honestly is... you might well find your writing a bit dry! I find mine dry! I look at it squinting, asking whether the sex is sexy or if it's just way too out there or just completely misses the mark. We only really know when other eyes get to see it.

I hope that's helpful!

[ezlo-x]

hi...cmere if you want to hear my current thoughts of totk... (spoilers ahead ofc)

Hi :] so since everyone is taking a different path on playing this game this is what I have so far

Currently I have completed the tutorial section, have only Dragon Tears #1 and #2, and completed the Wind Temple

I wanted to write down my thoughts after I finished w the tutorial section but I was just so excited to play I just kept going until I finally decided to take a small break from playing the game for almost the entire day lol. ALSO I will include pics...in some parts

ANYWAYZ THE BEGINNING SECTION I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST CAUSE I WAS LOSING MY MIND ABT IT. So when Zelda explains how the "gloom" works I WAS JSUT "...that sounds like the Malice im my au HMMM NO WAY I PREDICTED THIS MY BRAIN HUGE" JNSDKJFNSD I liked that we get to see a little bit more of Zelda before she disappears but also! I liked how she is still prevalent in the story and aids Link at some point in the tutorial section. Also I just find it funny how she appears to people like ghosts knfgskng I know for sure that would be explained why later on.

Now to the tutorial, I had a lot of fun with the shrines better yet all the shrines in general have been super fun. None of them have been a drag to me I have a lot of fun especially that you have to use your arm abilities and that stuff never gets old to me. TBH THO there were a few moments when traveling around the island where my muscle memory is to press "x" to paraglide when I suddenly remembered I don't have the paraglider JFNGKDNF I was yearning for that paraglider.

Sorta of a side note I am really loving how npcs have more personality, like Purah and Robbie just radiate so much more as characters than in BotW. I am loving so far the new npcs it makes the world feel less empty.

Now...to the moment i've been waiting to talk abt. The Dragon tear memories

I love them. I love them SO SO MUCH ESPECIALLY SONIA BUT I FEEL LIKE I LOVE RAURU JUST AS MUCH IDK THEY ARE VERY FUCKING CUTE I CANTTTTT I WANT TO CHANGE MY BANNER TO THEM BUT I KNOW ITS LIKE SUPER SPOILERY OUGHHHHHH

My friends insisted to get the memories in order cause that would make me into an emotional wreck so I can't wait! <3

Now to Rito Village/Wind Temple. First of all, the Rito Theme when its in the blizzard got me a little emotional ngl. It might be cause Wind Waker was one for the first tloz games that i introduced myself to back when I was 14 and hearing it so desolate it almost got me. AND THEN SEEING THE KIDS ALL ON THEIR OWN OUGH (I want to know where's Kass tho...).

TULIN!!! Tulin is adorable idk I enjoyed his character how his stubbornness on doing things on his own was changed to teamwork makes the dream work arc idk it was cute. Teba not being present makes sense to me as he's the new Rito Elder and all. Glad the dude is not dead KJFNGKDJNF

Now the journey to the Wind Temple was so fun it was so fun like idk how to describe it. The ost was amazing especially when finally reaching the temple when you ascend high above the blizzard storm and then you glide down and UGH it was so amazing. The Wind Temple was just as fun it felt like your good old Zelda temple and I love that so much. THE BOSS AS WELL YOUR TYPICAL EVIL CRUSTACEAN WITH WINGS AND UGH!! I Love it I love it sm

NOW AT THE BEGINNING ENTERING THE WIND TEMPLE when the voice appeared, at first I thought it was Rauru. But then I took a second take and he sounded differently than Rauru and I said "oh is this the ancient champion?" AND I WAS RIGHT ITS THE WIND SAGE AND OH OH OH OK

I WAS SO....💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN//? HE LOOKS RAD THE OTHER SAGES LOOK JIST AS AMAZING. AND THEN-

THIS BITCH GOT HORNS!!!! WHAT 💥💥💥💥

HONESTLY ok time to put my critical hat here. Im honestly not expecting anything crazy with Ganondorf like idk I am excited but at the same time I do have that worry in the back of my mind that he would be your typical evil villain. ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY HAVE SUCH A SOLID STORY WITH GOOD WORLD BUILD like I hope they don't blow it up. and ngl I kinda forgot abt Ganondor for a moment cause I've been so fixated over Sonia and Rauru KJNGDJKFNGKDFJ I CANT WAIT TO MEET THE FIRE SAGE THOUGH RAAHGHHGGHH AND THE ZONAI NEXT TO RAURU OUGH I FORGOT HER NAME BUT RAURU MENTIONS HER IN THE SECOND DRAGON TEAR MEMORY THATS HIS BIG SIS!!!!

One more thing I forgot to mention (theres so much stuff don't get me started to how much I love the depth) the soundtrack is phenomenal. When diving down from either the sky or to the depth it so pretty. And like I said the ost where thats building up when reaching the Wind Temple *chef's kiss* AND how the Wind Temple's theme mixes both Vah Medoh's theme (attacking and inside) and Rito Village. Reminding you what you're fighting for especially in Tulin's case

I am having a lot of fun with this game I am currently just wandering around in the Hebra region. ALSO NOW THAT I REMEMBER I WAS REALLY THROWN OFF BY THE SUBTLE CHANGES THE MAP HAS I STILL AM AND I GET IT for like ppl who played BotW make it feel completely different/new. Honestly its fun it feels like im exploring Hyrule for the first time again its nice <3

and that is all I have tbh I might disappear and come back w more ramblings. I want to say more but I don't want this post to be super long. The fact that I only got one Temple complete and two memories and I still have a lot more to do is so crazy to me

anywayz have some pitcures of Sonia and Rauru cause I love em very mucho <3

[whilomm]

5 months post top surgery i have a lotta random Feelings about it. Overall, defo feel positive about it, but also random bits of hmm. Like, not negative feelings per se, just ya kno, the usual complicated mix that comes from big changes.

Sometimes i get random pangs of "aw i miss boobs a lil" like just when im sitting around the apartment and kinda missing the ability to grab a boob whenever. Which isnt unexpected at all, before the surgery i was straight up saying "gonna miss having built in stress balls". which, like. i could just buy some? maybe try and find someone else to let me have some tit time? still, in an ideal world i would have been a shapeshifter and i could have been boobless 95% of the time and then 5% of the time rock some knockers. unfortunately, im NOT a shapeshifter, so i decided to forgoe the 5% of the time i appreciated tits in order to not be fucking miserable the other 95% of the time. overall win, but still. wish i was a shapeshifter and i didnt have to make decisions and shit.

and i guess I haven't had that much gender euphoria from it, looking in the mirror its less "omg!!! yay!!! 🥰🥰🥰" and more just. "yep, that looks about right." like, i guess its just to where i kinda forget it, ya kno? i mean, i cant FORGET forget, everytime i take off my shirt im looking at how my scars are healing and pokin em and all that, but when im wearing a shirt im just not thinking about it.

which. major fucking improvement from before (constantly thinking about my chest and how uncomfortable i am and how much i hate wearing bras and how i just wanted them GONE) but maybe its sorta a "its harder to recognize the absence of dysphoria than the presence of euphoria" kinda thing. ive always had issues with emotional impermanence (if im sad ive always been sad if im happy ive always been happy), so since its not a huge euphoria thing i feel like its easy for me to forget just how much i hated it before. i look in the mirror, i try on shirts, i walk around and i forget that anythings different since it just feels correct, so when i have moments of thinking to myself "yeah this is pretty cool, idk if it was fully necessary tho" i have to actively remind myself how much i fucking hated it before.

one thing that is absolutely a 100% positive tho? fucking PHYSICAL COMFORT. god just not having to deal with goddamn H cups is a blessing in and of itself. no more bras, no more tits sliding outta place randomly at work while im doing boxes, no more boob sweat, no more underboob yeast infections, no more painful jiggling whenever i run, i can exercise without worrying about a sports bra (....theoretically. ILL START EXERCISING AGAIN EVENTUALLY I PROMMY), less back pain (less. not no. my backs still fucky lmao). its FUCKING FANTASTIC not having to worry about any of that. and shirts just fit better!!! who would have thought that massive fucking protrusions on my chest were making it harder to find clothes :0 (me i thought that)

TOP SURGERY RATING:

ability to touch boobs whenever i want: ⭐ u win some u lose some 😔

Gender Feelings: ⭐⭐⭐ yea p chill. no biggie but also might be Emotional Impermanence. just feels natural u kno?

comfort: ⭐🌟💫⭐🌠x10 million holy SHIT i was fucking DYING before.

OVERALL: yes 👍

[little-pissbaby]

this is gonna get TMI and it will get sad and whiny so please don't feel obligated to keep reading.

it takes so many steps to be alive. all of the things you do subconsciously suddenly become arduous tasks when you have to do them manually. things like eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing, using the bathroom, it's exhausting having to think about and consciously or manually do even just one of those things.

I was officially diagnosed with dysautonomia a few months ago, although I have been struggling with my symptoms for over a decade and I've been in treatment for several years. I was also diagnosed with a neurogenic bladder that same month. this means I have to catheterize myself 3-4 times a day every day for the rest of my life, or until I can get a suprapubic catheter placed.

Y'ALL. self-cathing is beyond exhausting. it's a little bit of a genuine workout, especially when you're morbidly obese like me. I hate that I've gotten really good at it and that it doesn't take me long at all now. I didn't want to get good at it, I didn't want to have to have this skillset. I already have to know how to draw up and give an IM injection, how to flush an IV, how to reduce dislocated joints in myself and others... I am TIRED.

I'm sure a colostomy is also in my near future. I have the same problems in my colon that I have in my bladder, only it's also complicated by endometriosis in the walls of my colon and rectum. they haven't been completely infiltrated yet, but if this IUD doesn't do its job, then I'm definitely gonna start losing organs and my mind.

at this point I'm out of words to explain why I'm so cosmically fatigued but if I tag every diagnosis/condition I have maybe y'all can sorta get an idea.

sorry for ranting. I have to go cath myself now.

at least I do it under the supervision of the best medical advisor ever <3 all she asks for in return are kisses, cuddles, and crunchies <3<3

[invece-sto-sdraiato]

So… today was kinda fucked up. Huge vent below

As usual, I had swimming classes and I was so so happy (like you could feel the happiness radiating from me) that I made some progress today in terms of freestyle. After the class, I’m getting changed and then I come out.

I find out that those bastards forgot that I was here and locked me in and left. Yes they fucking left me in. I told myself not to panic and just tried calling out cause there are a bunch of houses near (further behind the pool walls) but no one was around.

I started hyperventilating a bit and then my wonderful brain decided to blame me for taking so long to change. (I hate that I’m so self-depreciative even when this situation was basically out of my control)

See, there’s this house in front of the gate, and I peeked through and saw that someone was sitting on the porch. I called him again and again, but he didn’t even answer or look my way. That was when I started to spiral and think that I probably would be stuck here the whole day. I’m not generally claustrophobic, but that surely was what I felt in that moment.

Then at the extreme back side, I noticed that there was a house and I saw two children. I sorta climbed up the wall till I could properly see and called them. After around five minutes, the girl noticed. I asked her if I could have a phone to call my dad. Thankfully I got to call him and I explained what had happened.

Then I peek through the gate and see he fucking rushed here on the scooter. He called a lady from the same house I was trying to get help from at first and asked her how could they forget a girl inside and just leave. She didn’t know anything, and then it seems the key was left in the lock. My dad then opened the damn gate and I just shimmied outside from the shock of it all.

My dad can get mad at times, but now he was feral. He took the lock and key with him and asked the lady to inform the coaches that he did. We came home, it hit me that I wasn’t helpless anymore and I just sobbed. I felt bad for doing so, but I’ve never experienced something like this before.

Then my dad spoke to the coach, I mean more like ‘screamed’ at her and threatened to go to the police (don’t ask me why he did that, I was so angry too) I did feel bad for her considering she would lose her job over this.

She then talked to me, apologised but I just couldn’t hear it. I felt endangered and there was no changing that. (Maybe I’m exaggerating but I know what I went through) Told my dad and the coach that I didn’t want to continue classes there, he said he didn’t want me to do anything uncomfortable. Obviously she tried to convince me to continue.

I told them to give me two days to think about it, but I don’t think my answer will change. And I’m pretty sure she got fired. Believe me, I’ll be blaming myself for it for ages to come.

I’m just glad I managed to get through it somehow, however pathetic it was. I’m getting more and more indications every day that im still not ready for adulthood, and this is one of them. One can only hope 🥲

[yuukei-yikes]

would you talk about shintaro's romantic relationships post str? im really curious about how what happens between shinaya breakups and after. how'd he hit on takane? how did they get together with kano? what does ayano think abt all of this?

ive had this ask in my inbox for like 3 weeks idk why cuz i love it but. ok u gotta hear me out for a second. im gonna repeat myself A LOT A LOT ALOT but i have a lot of fun doing that💗 this ended up super long because im sick in the head.

after shintaro and ayano break up shintaro is like. OK HE'S SPIRALING DOWN. but it's a lil more nuanced than that it's not that he reverts back and it is exactly the same as it was and he's just whining over ayano shut in his room. deep down and truthfully he's totally relieved. he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, just like ayano, and while this isn't the only reason for their relationship's demise it is basically the core problem, and out of it a million other problems are created.

during the time he's like. recovering. or whatever u wanna call it. he dooooes sort of revert back a lil bit to being a shut in but not really bc now there's everyone around and no one will let him actually do it LOL also he's definitely not as despaired as he was back then. and takane is there for him a lot. also haruka and momo and just generally the dan even if the mekatrio wanna kill him with hammers. sidenote on that i think ayano after cooling off she would explain it wasn't entirely shintaro's fault and she was also kind of a dickhead in the situation (ayano was projecting all her pain on one person and taking out her sadness and frustration solely on the relationship when she was really hurting abt literally everything else. this also wasn't fair to shintaro and she knows it) and mekatrio are like oh my god our sister doing wrong?!?!?! completely possible she is a person. continue <- except kano. we'll get back to him.

i think shintaro rather takes it as an excuse to finally break down as if he didn't have the right to before, a bit similarly to ayano he was in denial of all this baggage. like it was really a match made in hell LMAO but basically shintaro is STILL in denial even after breaking up while ayano is picking herself up which is why she even ends things in the first place

while he's in this state obviously takane's worrymeter chart goes off and breaks and explodes and shintaro sorta reverting triggers takane into sorta reverting so then theyre back to being alone in his room. LIKE i keep saying shintaro is terrified of the unknown, like he's seen the same thing over a hundred times and he can remember it all but this is new and it's very scary.

so it's comforting to be back in his room with takane. because thru it all he's also resenting takane because all this time they were supposed to be like this duo or whatever, like in ALL routes they're ALWAYS together she is always there with him and she just. cannot remember that. they were together for a year but for shintaro it was one year a hundred times and for takane it's JUST one year. their codependency comes from this, for shintaro it was so much more time and for takane even if for her it was really just a year she made shintaro her LIFE so it's just as heavy for both. sorry their friendship makes me so crazy

and when shintaro is off horribly dating ayano, haruka and takane are being normal and picking up where they left off and being cute and working on their problems together and etcetc like I've talked abt it in a post lol but basically harutaka drives shintaro crazy because he's like ohhhh my god why does SHE get this. why is takane managing so well. subconsciously ofc my man has NOT the emotional capacity to identify that feeling so he expresses it through live shintaro reaction. like as he and ayano go more and more downhill, takane is more and more self aware of their codependent dynamic and yknow WORKING ON IT. like its simultaneous how shintaro is losing both these relationships so fast at the same time.

so when the breakup happens and shintaro is NOT OK, of course takane puts a pause to everything and is by his side. for shintaro this is super comforting not because takane is there for him and she's helping but rather cuz. yes. THIS is what i know. THIS is comfortable. and as a plus to shintaro, takane reverting her progress probably means she reverts progress with haruka and that makes shintaro a little relieved he's just like thank god im not the only one fucking up💖 takane and i are 2 different sides of the same coin so she can't run she's just like me for real💖 that's just his sick narrative btw. in reality takane is totally aware of what's happening and overdue giving shintaro a smack in the head

like it WONT BE LIKE IT USED TO because THINGS ARE DIFFERENT!! takane cannot dedicate her life to shintaro and the fact he sort of expected her to do it again is insulting to her. like from shintaro its very unconscious he doesn't do it on purpose he just refuses to think outside this box of personal narrative he's built. its not like shintaro is being a dickhead like hey Live For Me Again he rather shows it in moments like, he's surprised when takane says she has to go bc she has work or bc she made plans with haruka, or how he will call her at any time unannounced and be like. hey on ur way here can u get more coke ok byeeee and she's like. it tells her he EXPECTS her to put him before everything like she used to and it pisses her off.

to rant a bit abt the "personal narrative" of shintaro. i think it's interesting that shintaro is essentially a very self centered character and kagepro is very meta in the way it treats him as a main character. because inside of kagepro, he really gets as much focus as any other character, they're all "main" character to us. its rather inside the story he plays a very important role therefore he is the protagonist and as the protagonist he puts an end to the story itself too. i think this is all interesting together and fun to dissect shintaro's character as inherently self centered because that's what the story is. it shows not only in the way he acts even without retaining activated, but he is really in the center of it, and the way he handles it in everyday life once this story is over and theyre free from a narrative in the first place, is self destructive (and fun. to me) because its not compatible to being a normal fucking person.

so yeah it IS taking him a bit to really LOOK at his friends and stop looking only for himself. technically he's lived a hundred doomed lives and now he's here trying out this one and again it is scary and new and well. he is trying to navigate thru it, even if not in the best ways. he takes takane totally for granted because of this. in the narrative she has always been his sidekick. she has been the second main character to him. she has always lived and served him in all timelines, in all the time theyve known each other that she can't remember and he can, takane has been ene and ene has always been his annoying lap dog he hates as much as he needs in order for the story to move forward. so takane also being her own person outside of him, moving on, finding love somewhere else and OUT LOUD tackling issues like hey we have a codependent dynamic going on we should work on, IS ALSO STRANGE AND HE DOESNT LIKE IT. he shuns it completely whenever takane brings it up, which she does a lot as time goes on. because time keeps going on. it keeps passing by. and everyone around him seems to be growing up and that's so infuriating and so terrifying and ayano dumping him is as much of a reality check as ayano asking him out in the first place, and he doesn't know what to do with it other than cry and thrive off the attention takane is giving him again

i think takane would try to do what she does and be silly as fuck to distract shintaro but this time also sorta mixed in with actual talking unlike how their dynamic used to be. not to repeat everything i just said but YEAH shintaro is taking her for granted, he already was but when he and ayano break up it sort of gets worse. the way takane isn't reacting how he expects her because she's... not playing a role, she is just a person. she is growing up and moving on and this serves as extremely horrifying as well so he. teehee. enter kano

kano enters the picture in between shinaya breakup and takane having enough. shintaro and takane still share this dynamic but shintaro keeps being forced to look at the reality of his situation and the way he's been self sabotaging all of these relationships and he haaaates it and i think while kano is dealing with all his own baggage he is SO mad at shintaro for his whole thing with ayano and kano is Very emotionally smart he just uses it for evil&malicious purposes and also he is so petty all his eq becomes constipated and destructive. but like he knows it. he knows he's hurting himself by approaching shintaro who he KNOWS he likes and he isn't even sure himself if he's approaching him because he likes him or because he hates him. kano has so many mixed feelings over shintaro especially in this scenario where a messy shinaya breakup takes place.

kano gets close to shintaro because he knows he's at his lowest. he tells himself it's to irritate him and to throw things on his face and just to be evil or just to watch him suffer from up close but shintaro's out here looking like a kicked puppy and kano is whipped So Bad he can't help IT!! but not even he knows with WHAT intention he approaches him with. and he hates himself for it bc auugghhhh ITS AYANOS EX FIRST AND FOREMOST AND HE HURT HER AND AYANO CAN DO NO WRONG NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS AND I HATE HIM but kano and ayano sharing their shit taste in guys is his demise. he likes shintaro dammit. so no matter WHY, he gets close and well they kiss a little.

from shintaro's side IVE SAID i dont think shintaro hates kano as popularly believed idk i think he's rather confused with him and even understands why he's so icky around him bc he's overprotective over ayano so like HE GETS IT. i think shintaro and kano get in this AUGGH SHUT UP IDIOT dynamic that goes both ways exactly here because shintaro isnt in a great headspace like always but now especially and kano is just a fucking asshole. so they hang out and its awful and also a relief to shintaro because it feels good to be finally held accountable. this is also how he feels when ayano breaks up with him, tho for her it's also mixed with so many other things like a reality check. that angry ayano is unfamiliar and strange and freaks him out. but when it was over it was a relief because it meant he was free of that relationship he didn't want to be in (entirely. of course ayano and shintaro love each other and get together because they wanted to, but sadly love is not enough sometimes) and he was also free of having to see sides of ayano he isn't comfortable with seeing yet

with kano that isn't a problem because he's always been a little shit so it's a win. also makes him feel responsible, also a win. but seeing shintaro be accepting of being at fault it makes kano so damn angry too like UGH WELL IT WASNT ENTIRELY UR FAULT!! AYANO ALSO DID THIS AND THAT like EXACTLY as ayano has been telling kano when kano kept antagonizing shintaro in their breakup, ayano keeps explaining her side of things and how she wasn't entirely innocent either. and kano doesn't wanna listen but still parrots all of it to shintaro when shintaro keeps having a pity party and shintaro's like wow. i never saw it like that... and kano's like WELL THATS WHAT ID SAY IF I DIDNT THINK ITS ALL UR FAULT. WHICH IT IS. U HURT MY SISTER WHO CAN DO NO WRONG I HATE YOU. I LITERALLY CANNOT STAND YOU and then they kiss. because theyre crazy.

anyways. also terrifying. 1. unfamiliar. 2. gay. so shintaro is losing his damn mind like the whole thing is his extended freak out about the narrative being over and living in the good ending basically lol. so at his wits end he IS INDEED going to takane. everything is falling apart and nothing makes sense and he can't feel grounded and he feels so sick all the time and THAT'S why he turns to takane. the one constant!!!

takane is the one constant. takane is who has always been there. and because he needs at least 1 more punch to be able to see clearly that's how he turns to her and "hits on her" as I've put it in the past LMAO i think that's very simplified but u asked specifically how he does this and man i wanna write it so bad in a fanfic like i keep saying but OK BASICALLY its not that he Hits On Her its rather that he's like talking to takane as if she hadn't made any progress like him . he's like what if we make ourselves a favor and u move back in my comp 💖and we live driving each other crazy forever 💖wouldnt that be crazy. and takanes like YES that WOULD be crazy. amd shintaro's like "RIGHT it would TOTALLY be crazy LOL!!! but erm. HEAR ME OUT" because he thinks she's still barely holding it together and assumes she's still obsessed with him which she isn't, i picture this happening one or two years after str so takane's like. living her best domestic harutaka life. she's FINE. and shintaro's talking to her like she isn't fine which has been pissing her off already from before but now its in one culminating moment. because it's ok to hold ur hand on the journey to heal but if u refuse to keep fucking walking listen eventually the person is just gonna let go of ur hand my man

he asks takane to live with him forever because of how terrifying the good ending is and in his stupid personal narrative she is also still struggling so win win!!! THE ROMANTIC ASPECT OF IT comes with ayano&kano being part of shintaro's love life and the 2 people who he's been driving himself crazy about and is using takane to distract himself. so he puts two and two together and is like well wouldn't it make sense?? as icky as it is??? to be with takane??? because he is stupid and i find this extremely comical. i dont know if he would actually fall in love with her i think it's rather that he convinces himself he is because it makes sense on paper to him. he probably writes down all these conjectures and nodding like well of course it makes sense. like all the people he knows are parts of a math problem or some shit LMAO

in this math haruka's (old) insecurities of takane choosing shintaro over him are included too. shintaro's mistake comes in the fact haruka&takane's relationship does not pass by him and he has a very simplistic and self centered view of it. in reality haruka isn't as insecure if at all by then, and takane has been trying to deattach from the dynamic with shintaro for a while now and instead is attempting to be regular friends. like haruka and takane are married mode by then, having grown as people and as a couple but shintaro is so stuck in time and in need to give everyone a role that works for him that he fails to acknowledge that detail which is WHY he can approach her so easily. he's like I've done the people math this Makes Sense and its Fine it will all work out in my favor. he's nervous and pathetic of course but he's delusional first and foremost. i think the "hits on her" is rather shintaro&takane having a very fucked up talk that escalates and takane gets angry very badly lol. I Will Write This.

erm. that's how it happens. i think as he talks to takane and it becomes clearer and clearer that she is NOT in the same page he begins to despair abt it because his carefully calculated social plan is finally falling apart. and with it being a 2x1 because it makes his friendship with haruka fall apart too who through it ALLL from ayano to takane to kano has been telling him SHINTARO YOU ARE SELF DESTRUCTIVE PLEASE BE CAREFUL. ive also gone over that in an ask but lol yeah💖😀

for what ayano thinks of it, ayano and shintaro are completely taking a break from each other during all this but i dont think she'd be angry. she's completely focusing on herself (in a good way unlike shintaro) and working on her own baggage so she's like aw. poor shintaro. haruka&takane are probably a bit annoyed at the reaction bc he's a dickhead but ayano probably puts it more in perspective. takanes like yeah but it doesnt mean i cant be angry. ayanos like yeah ur absolutely right im still furious with him😊 <- while looking like that. but ayano's an empath💗 so while she is angry and sees everyone is angry she's still like, despite it all they all love shintaro and hope he will take these things to finally better himself. it's very frustrating that shintaro only understands when he drives u to a point of screaming and crying and then u feel bad for him even though HES the one who drove u to that point. he will be ok he needs the company of someone who won't keep giving things to him and give nothing in return. he needs the company of someone who will do to him the same he does to everybody. that said kano has been hanging out with him A LOT.

kano is there for shintaro they both crash and explode together but somehow pick themselves and each other backup. like it's a whole thing💗 i think ayano is on top of everything she's like it will be UGLY. but it needs to be done💗

shintaro also gets a therapist😀 sorry if i have a delusional design and hcs for shintaro's therapist like she's an unnamed oc. whatever.

ayano is busy with herself to worry about shintaro's mess. she still does but not before she gives herself the time and space she needs. a talk between them after certain time has passed would be so interesting and do so much good to both. but heh. sorry did all that answer ur question

[waterhorseyblues-ao3]

okay anyway hi everyone im Offically Back To Writing (i hope i hope i fucking hope) and dipping my toes back into Being In The Fandom

long story short after my brief health crisis i then had a mental health crisis (unshockingly being sick does also affect your head) and then i just... got hit by that Creative Anxiety

which sorta turned into impostor syndrome which turned into general anxiety which yada yada i got stressed out about everything, convinced myself no one liked me and dropped out of the group chat to become a miserable anxious little hermit.

classic writer moments

and the thing about that is it's not at all uncommon or even wrong to feel like you put a *lot* of effort into your art only for the small amount of feedback (if any) to feel like an indication of your personal failures

i ended up really losing love for writing to a public audience and even within internal creaive groups really doubted my work. as someone who does write professionally outside of fandom, i tie my writing quite tightly to my.....sense of worth i suppose, which yeah that's unhealthy but i can't really help it at this stage

anyway after having to do a big bit of self reflection i've been able to come back to writing, but with just a lot less...personal investment. so i guess there's a chance of a quality drop in my work because, honestly, it was tearing me apart to give 500% every time for very little in response

thats just sort of how fandom is if you're not one of the top creatives. theres no way for me to fix or change that, so i just won't keep pouring my soul and heart and blood and tears into my work anymore

i love good impressions, its my best work, i love what im doing. but its not worth me making it my pride and joy, my magnum opus, the peak of my creative output, if its just gonna wear me out and make me feel kinda miserable in the end

it really is just a case of artistic struggle

anyway im glad to be back to writing.

[sneakyscarab]

another day, another touhou off the list, although this time its far from being an easy experience.

nina's thoughts on Touhou 15 - Legacy of Lunatic Kingdom

Legacy of Duelist Kingdom features Yugi and the boys back at it again to defeat Pegasus! wait, thats not right… Legacy of Lunatic Kingdom features Reimu and the girls back at it again to defeat... somebody! LoLK is a very unique entry, having one of the biggest new 'gimmicks' of any of the touhous ive played so far.

LoLK's big new feature is a completely new way to play the game, the exciting PointDevice mode! (really just rolls off the tongue). as opposed to the standard touhou gameplay loop (which this game does have as well, under the name Legacy mode) PointDevice mode makes the game play sorta like doing a tool-assisted speedrun, apparently being inspired by I Wanna Be The Guy. in PointDevice mode, lives are removed, so if you get hit you're out, but as a tradeoff the game is filled with numerous checkpoints that you can infinitely continue from, for example pretty much every individual spellcard/phase of a boss is a unique checkpoint. this basically means you have infinite tries for every single spellcard but you HAVE to do each one no-hit (you get bombs to ocassionally cheat, but not very many and they never refresh since you never actually die).

this sounds like it would make the game super easy since you can just infinitely practice every section until you get it right, and you would be correct! unfortunately, ZUN was aware this made things easier, so the general difficulty of patterns and enemy spawns was jacked WAY up. i… really do not like this compromise. spellcards move way faster now and often require far greater perfection than usual once you get to the lategame, with multiple regular spellcards being pure survival sections where the boss is invincible, things usually reserved for climactic final phases. theres also a much higher amount of 'jumpscare' spellcards that suddenly kill you if you don't already know theyre coming, which in a normal run would be complete bs, only being justified here since you can just go again. ZUN definitely succeeded in making it feel like I Wanna Be The Guy, but thats not the kind of game i want to play. getting wiped by BS spellcards and having to do them over and over again got me genuinely mad at times, which has happened a few times in previous entries but it was typically me being mad at myself for screwing up, not being mad at the game itself like this one made me.

besides that, the gameplay is mostly similar to DDC, although once again they have changed how life/bomb pieces are dealt out. after each 'chapter' (basically wherever a checkpoint is in PointDevice mode) the game ranks you based on how many bullets you grazed multiplied by the % of enemies you killed, and if you got enough points you get a bomb piece in PointDevice mode, or a life piece in Legacy mode. this is probably my least favourite method of the ones that have been thrown around, since its really hard to organically tell when youve grazed enough, and during stages its hard to tell when a chapter will end. it incentivizes you to not kill enemies since you want more bullets to be onscreen so you can graze more, but at the same time if you miss killing an enemy and it goes off-screen then your chapter score goes down making the extra grazing still not add up, its a lose/lose either way.

for playable characters, we got Reimu and Marisa of course, Sanae is back (yay!), and Reisen appears as a playable character for the first time outside PoFV. Reimu and Marisa play exactly the same as their B movesets in DDC, so nothing new there. Sanae uses her two movesets from UFO but stapled together, so she shoots frogs unfocused and snakes while focused, which is maybe a bit lazy but i liked both of those weapons so im totally fine with it. Reisen has a strange weapon that has random angle spread shots unfocused, and heavy piercing vertical shots when focused. her most interesting feature though is her bomb, which gives you brief invincibility on activation, and then applies 3 shields to Reisen that block a death, although offer next to no i-frames. her bomb is probably really good in PointDevice mode, but i only had the patience to try that mode once and i went with Sanae. clearing PointDevice mode counts as a 1cc, even if its pretty much impossible to lose unless you just give up, but i dont think i care to try for a win in legacy mode. if you're curious. my retry total on my PointDevice run stacked up to 547 lol.

for the new characters, my favourite addition is probably Clownpiece. more faeries are always good, and Clownpiece is a pretty interesting one since she's a Hell Fairy, whatever that means. for some reason shes themed after the USA, wearing a star-spangled jumpsuit and featuring the stars and stripes in her spell cards, and holding an eternally burning torch similar to the statue of liberty. the concept of the fairy of hell being an American clown who drives people insane is somehow kinda fitting lmao, even if its completely absurd.

besides Clownpiece, i can't say i really cared for the other characters. the rabbits and lunarians weren't very interesting to me in Imperishable Night and they still really aren't now. Doremy is intriguing, being a ruler of the Dream World, but her stage and fight really didn't sell me on the concept of it being a dream. if you took the dialogue out i dont think anyone would assume the level was supposed to be a dream reality instead of just, flying through real outer space to reach the moon.

so that was LoLK. definitely my least favourite one so far, and by a pretty wide margin. i like what ZUN was trying to do here, and maybe with better tuning PointDevice mode couldve been a really fun new way to play the game, but it just made the game a slog of trying nigh-impossible spellcards over and over again until you get it right. i might come back and try a 1cc on Legacy Mode, but having experienced how insane the lategame gets im not exactly chomping at the bit to go back for another round. this game almost feels like karmic punishment after i got a little too comfortable with the last 3 games. if theres one good thing about PointDevice mode, at least its that your victory is inevitable, so i can stop playing.

i hate for the tone of this review to be so negative, but i just did not have a good time with this one. i wanna do something to lighten the mood though, so heres a silly doodle of clownpiece i made in ms paint :P

[jvydub]

hi. if you’re one of the few people who follow me and continue to be active on tumblr then congrats, you get to see me journal on here lol. but if you’re reading this, you know who you are. then this one’s for you. where do i begin?

there was a moment in time where my whole world revolved around you. some can say that’s not the brightest idea cause you lose independence, but i was completely okay with that because i was happy. we were happy. seeing you smile felt like the whole world froze and i wish time just paused right then and there forever. sadly in my life, nothing last forever. as pitiful as that sounds, it’s true. every relationship i’ve experienced seems to fall in the same order. we fall in love, i love too hard, then that love seems to be an everyday occurrence that the love i’m projecting becomes nothing. then i’m in this constant battle with myself. asking, what can i do to top what i just did? but with you, it was different. i told myself that i was going to commit to you regardless of what you do to me but as time went on, the things i did for you started to depreciate. in the beginning, i would do the most simplistic thing for you and you’d appreciate it like i gave you the world. now that wasn’t every time, but whenever you did; it made me warm inside. i am not perfect and nether are you. but that’s the point of a relationship, right? you continue to uplift each other and fight through these battles that come your way and overcome them together regardless of what people think of you. that’s what makes the relationship even stronger.

there comes a point in every relationship that things tie down and the days get boring. everyday won’t be sunshine and rainbows. i learned that if you’re able to overcome that, it only gets brighter. in our case, things slowly got worse. like i said earlier, i am not perfect. im sorry for neglecting you at times and i know that can cause a lot of emotions that slowly built up for you. i just really wish you communicate that better because things would’ve turned out differently. i am not blaming you, it takes two people to build a relationship. this was just the beginning of our downfall.

the lack of communication between us was killing you on the inside and i had no clue. leaded to you texting me one night, telling me you wanted to end things. at first i was confused, i broke down completely. i thought everything was going so well. what happened? i never left my bed for a few days. it was depressing, but on the bright side it gave me a lot of time to think. i then realized i missed all the signs you were giving me. the signs were screaming in my face, trying to tell me how the neglection you were feeling was hurting you deeply. i begged for you back. i had my knees on the floor for you, my forehead was on the ground for you. come to find out you’ve moved on. in that very moment, this heart i built for you shattered into pieces. i asked myself, why so soon? how? were you two already talking towards the end of our relationship? you said it sorta just happened. nothing happened while we were together. coincidence? maybe, but i still trusted you completely. i tried so hard to explain to you that the void you were feeling won’t be fulfilled by him. yet, it took a certain extent for you to realize. eventually, you came back around. this heart that shattered into pieces was now bandaged over. was it still cracked into pieces? yes. but at least it was back together. was i stupid for taking you back? absolutely. i didn’t want to lose what we built together, nor did i want to lose that connection i had with your family and friends because i love them dearly.

some time passed, but things were still rough. i needed some time to heal. it was rough, but i still saw some light at the end of that tunnel. it was a tad bit better and my trust for you was starting to regain. i relaxed for a second, and as i continued to heal, you stab me in the back. you lied. something in my gut just felt something off with you and i trusted it. i knew you weren’t with your friends that night like you claimed. it took some time, but eventually you told me the truth. maybe you should’ve continued to lie to me? maybe i would’ve been able to heal a little more. maybe things would’ve turned out differently. it would’ve killed you inside but at least i would’ve been happier, right? no, that’s selfish of me to think and i am truly grateful you told me the truth. cause that’s what relationships are built on. trust. you not only went out with some other guy, but it was a guy i didn’t like from the very beginning. you claim you were drunk but what does that justify? you can’t tell me i didn’t cross your mind at least once that night. you can’t tell me you didn’t think to yourself at least once that night that maybe this isn’t right. maybe you should stop. and that was the problem, you didn’t. you told me you felt nothing wrong and that killed me. this heart that was bandaged up once again, completely shattered. that’s when this feeling i feel inside of me started. this feeling of emptiness. i turned grey, hollow inside. i started to become emotionless. that light at the end of the tunnel began to fade. it was fading but it was still there. so i began to continue working it out with you. absolutely ridiculous? yes.

you began to open up to me, which was beautiful. you understood the space i needed, you didn’t fully understand it but thats how we always were. crazy for each other. as you started to regain your love for me, i still felt grey. i told you i’d heal from all of this, but what happens to you after a deep cut? it become a scar. the best thing you can do is bandage it up and move on. but like you said, things will never be the same.

this now brings us to my realization. in the past, i would’ve been hesitant to even like a picture on social media of any girl. regardless of who they are to me because i knew it bothered you. that’s just how we were, and that’s okay. i respected that. but now things are different. you sent me screenshots of pictures i liked. they were all different women. they were not you. it bothered you like crazy. you blocked me on every social media platform. ghosted me. why don’t i hesitate now? why didn’t you come to mind before i liked it? why didn’t it bother me that you blocked me? why didn’t i care to explain myself to you? why? these past few days i asked those questions over and over again. as i read books and take a few steps back in life i now understand why i feel like this. it’s again, this numb feeling i feel inside of me. my emotions are cloudy, practically gone. i stopped caring. it’s not fair for me to keep you around while i feel like this. growing up it was really hard for me to express my emotions, to my friends and family, it was hard for me to tell anyone how i really felt. but with you i was able to. i allowed myself to open up and become vulnerable to you. it’s not your fault, please don’t blame yourself. like i said earlier, it takes two people to build a relationship.

lately i’ve been feeling so lost and lonely. my life finally feels like it’s starting to come together. but why do i feel so detached from reality? grey. life feels like it’s starting to slow down, almost euphoric. it feels as if it’s going to end soon. maybe i’m about to enter a new chapter in my life and this one is about to end. i have no clue. all i know is i’m headed in the right direction. at least it feels like it. i’m enjoying my peace. i’m enjoying this lonesome feelings.

i will forever be grateful for everything we’ve been through and i can’t wait to see you thrive. like i said from the very start of our relationship, it feels like we’ve met before. in another life. till we meet again, to my twin flame. this is me healing. this is me opening up. this is me finally letting you go.

with love,

Jamie W

[v3il]

hi! so i've known about plurality for a while but not known much until more recently after some reading. through my therapy journey i've come to understand there are several "me"s of varying ages (mostly ages certain events happened at) within me, and a huge part of my healing has been acknowledging and caring for them properly, such as building a safe headspace for them. We're all definitely the same person, just different ages, and there have been times it really seems one "fronts" enough for me to have a hard time keeping myself in check (or sometimes impossible) but never so much that I lose memory or am unaware of what's going on, etc. Before therapy I needed external help calming down, but now it happens less often and I can usually calm myself down, though depending on which age it is how I do that will vary. I've explored age regression as a possible explanation but it honestly always feels like I'm someone else, who just happens to also be me, but also not me??? Rather than simply being me but younger. I'm also autistic (formally dx'd) so Feelings have always been Weird and Difficult to Discern/Describe. I'm just wondering if this is plurality? Logically I think it would be but sometimes you just need to ask someone, you know? Thank you so much for your time whether or not you answer, I know this is A Lot out of nowhere.

ACK sorry for the late response ive had this in my askbox for a While now qwq

just a disclaimer, i dont know everything about DID/OSDD and im still figuring things out myself as well- im just a teenager on the internet and this is just an attempt to help find a good direction at the moment !!

but anyway, this sorta sounds like something in the OSDD spectrum- i was gonna suggest OSDD-1a because that involves the presence of alters that are fragments/without a distinct personality- and sometimes having parts that are like a 'time capsule' (parts that are like you but different ages/phases)- but 1a also involves full amnesia barriers between these parts. ive definitely heard of OSDD experiences that dont fit into 1a or 1b (i'm pretty sure i relate a bit), so you're not alone!

another thing- i havent personally gone to a doctor myself, but i've heard when diagnosing OSDD, if they know you experience little to no amnesia, they dont really diagnose you with 1a or 1b, but just the OSDD label itself (correct me if im wrong ofc!)

(from https://osdd.one/overview/)

another thing i think might be helpful (from the same website):

i hope this made sense n helped a lil bit, im obv not a professional so if you're able to, open up to ur therapist about it or ask them for recommendations for dissociative disorder specialists if u can ! good luck, anon :] /g

[svankmajerbaby]

✨️🎀🎈💞💝🕯🎙🤲💌

!! thank u so much for the ask. i love talking about writing......

✨ What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

-hmm theres a point in which i have to tell myself not to worry about likes or comments bc what really matters is me getting the practise and exercising my writing muscles and having fun with it... But. i do wish i could get more ppl into my toy story fic. its got a whole bunch of wonderful comments and kudos and stuff, i just feel so proud of it and writing it came so easy and i poured so much of my love into it, i really really wish anyone who loves these characters would read it too.

🎀 give yourself a compliment about your own writing

-english is not my first language so grammar isnt often The Best, but i take a lot of care with using words and expressions as correctly as possible, and I try to always spell words right (i dont think ive ever confused loose and lose, for example, which ive seen confused a few times). some descriptions of spaces are particularly well done, at least to my own criteria, and the song choices are fun (or at least fun to write and picture in my head).

🎈 describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

- honestly, ive no idea. i think i get verbose, and i write long dialogue scenes. i overuse the — to lead into another thought, because thats kind of like how my mind works. i try to be "cinematic" in my writing and always start a scene with a description of a place, its lighting and its sounds, like im used to when writing scripts. and i got the sense that usually the characters often ramble and go on long discussions about stuff that maybe normal people wouldnt just start out discussing so strongly. but honestly id much rather someone else outside my own perspective told me what my writing is like, i would trust them more than my own opinion.

💞 what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

-the characters!! everything is important, and stuff like grammar often jumps out first for me... but i need to enjoy how the characters are written, and feel like theyre real people with genuine motivations and interactions. i dont mind too much if theyre not super alike to canon, as long as they feel true to the core of their personality and values.

💝 what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

-i was surprised to even get comments on my barbie frankenstein one. i loved writing it and it came through so easily and comfortably, but even though i had used that moderately popular meme of reimagining barbie as a gothic protagonist as inspiration i didnt really think it would be anything but something i liked to picture existing. i was so happy to see people enjoyed it too.

🕯️(there are two questions with this candle emoji symbol? i chose the first one, idk why theres two) was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

-the tiff fic :'^) ive always liked writing sorta dark stuff, ever since i was little, but this was on another level. sometimes i felt (and still do) feel a bit awkward bc i really do push myself to write stuff i feel a bit embarrassed or shocked by, but i do think that if i want to be a better writer it does me good to make an effort to depict stuff that makes me uncomfortable and seek to write it in a sense of finding a way to both make if effective and relatively tasteful (or at the very least in-character).

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

- i have never heard about pod-fic before, but i guess i can imagine what it is (wonder if its like an audiobook, or if it has sound effects and the like??). i would love to listen to an audiobook of the barbie frankenstein fic mostly bc i would love so so much to hear the dramatic literary dialogue ive written in kelly sheridans barbie voice. also now that i think about it i have no idea what the creature would even sound like... that would be an interesting challenge.

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

-practise writing in english, a sense of accomplishment (when i get to finish something!!) and every once in a while some strong validation in the form of ppl liking what i write... all of it is super valuable to me, especially practise and the push and drive to finish stuff to upload, but the validation in particular just really hits that dopamine in my brain i guess

💌 share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

-its from the glen and glenda fic im halfway planning! i got a few dialogues written and some scenes sketched out, but its still a long way to go. im very excited about it tho! ive grown to really love the versions of the twins ive made in my head. hopefully theyre faithful to their screen depictions while also adding a bit more depth and character building ive wanted to take them through.

[dog-v3ntz]

update: still struggling to get back down but im sorta getting back into it

im so close to my sw i want to go back to looking forward to reaching my second gw i hate how my body feels i can squish my stomach i cant see my ribs unless i stretch

i know i see my body as bigger than it actually is but it’s what it feels like to me

i laid in bed last night just squeezing the fat on my stomach in the dark and visualizing it in my mind.

i cant live like this. i don’t want to i cant stand it. school was out for a bit bc of all the ice so i was just stuck at home. i would tell myself i would keep it under control and i wouldn’t binge but then i did binge. and i purged and it happened everyday. it was just for a week but it still ‘weighed’ on me

haha get it? weighed?- yeah ik im sorry i like to cope with humor and if i see a chance i take it regardless of the situation and that’s actually gotten me in trouble a few times

whatever doesn’t matter. im a failure at this stuff and i don’t do much to help but i mean hey it’s a disorder i don’t think there’s a way to fail at it but ig technically there is bc there’s a specific criteria for it as shown in the DSM-5

im rambling again. doesn’t matter this is my account ill ramble if i want

i want to lose weight. i shouldn’t have gotten out of bed that entire week. i should have done better.

i haven’t eaten breakfast today and i don’t plan on eating lunch, and if i can get out of it then i’ll skip dinner.

vitamins, and gum (<5cal) don’t count.

[n0-not-again]

ive been working out more often to try and feel better after i force myself to have my "normal meal" every 1-3 days for harm reduction reasons (its not a binge cus its planned and very regular portions, but it is planned out to be high calorie but idk how many calories it is exactly. I get high before it most times to be honest; and it is never logged. Its hard but its keeping me from getting too sick right now, and I always do it with a friend. Its been preventing me from binging as well)

but that wasnt even supposed to be what this post was about. anyway, before im starting to look visibly strong or skinny at all i'm just looking more feminine and im finding that very demotivating. but i want to be skinny and lean SO badly, and its like a tug of war between my brain and the current state of my body. I can sorta pass as relatively masculine when I'm a touch chubbier than I am right now or if I wear very baggy clothes. But its in a Matt Berry and Jack Black kinda way which I think is really cool on other people, but it doesn't feel great to me especially with the amount of work it takes me to achieve that masculine of a look in the first place.

My body dysmorphia doesn't want me to look heavier, so i need to show my body as smaller and show more of it especially as i lose weight. Plus dysmorphia makes me feel devalued, and showing skin gets me easy attention and validation in ways so it can feel a bit better sometimes. But its a seesaw cus that comes with so much misgendering, I don't feel like people see me for who I am but since I rarely get seen that way anyways it can even feel like a worthy tradeoff. Its almost, "Do i want to feel ugly, fat, be ignored, anxious and get misgendered? Or do i want to feel pretty, paid attention to, disassociated and get misgendered?" Sometimes it can feel like an obvious choice and it sucks asssssss.

TL:DR working out and losing weight is making me look more femme to start off+my dysmorphia is forcefemming me. Dysphoric masc having a bad time with big tits and an atypical anorexia relapse

[sincelastsession]

Therapy went well I feel. I am looking in my inbox for the dissociative information you were gonna send me. I really need to find a printer that doesn't have cartridges that are a zillion dollars. I'd like to be able to print out things and put it in a bright colored big binder, I think that would help me not lose therapy papers. Adhd is a bitch to find loopholes for.

One thing my Dominant partner does is loophole my brain to stop when I'm in a worry spiral. I really want to know why on earth my brain stops the bullshit for him and not other ppl or myself. It just feels like my brain clicks into place. Sometimes if he has time we have a little play and he puts me in sub space. It feels like complete relief like I'm floppy relaxed and floating and I crave and chase that feeling. There's nothing that compares. The idea of letting anyone else dominate me is sickening. It gives me a break, it's like letting someone else drive when you're so exhausted from life. He isn't a perfect Dom because honestly as a woman that has been a Domme it's not easy to always accommodate your subs and we've had hiccups but I don't think I'd trade him out for anyone else in the D/s dynamic. We've been on a break from playing for a bit because of his lack of time which bums me out but I know he can't fix that currently and is having a hard time so I've been holding space and giving him praise and recognition for being there for me at the capacity he can be currently. I think he deserves it and I'm not fawning. Sometimes I worry he will be mad. This is a very irrational fear of mine. But I worry about even the calmest of men exploding at me. I think it stems from my dad issues and general bad experiences with men. Matt knows about my fears and keeps his anger generally private unless he's asking to vent about something and needing support which he rarely does these days. At a long distance I feel as safe with him as I would in person. There are people i've known longer than him but not all of them are safe. Very few are safe, even the most well meaning in my mind.

My ex is also protective of me.

I find it odd that the men that are sorta grouchy assholes to others see me and are like "I WANT THAT WEIRD GOBLIN CREATURE AND IM GONNA PROTECT IT" This trope is HILARIOUS to me. I literally don't understand why though. I can't complain.

Travis is going to take pto for the therapy appointment.

He got me an iPad from his work with a digital art program I've been wanting. He said it was because I'm doing a good job and handling things well. I told him he didn't have to but he said he wanted to and emphasized he didn't expect anything in return and just wanted to make me happy. I'm really grateful for a friend with no ulterior motives. He works at CACRC downtown and it's just a refurbished one, they sorta get their pick of things they aren't going to sell so he assured me it wasn't something I needed to even consider paying him back for lol because I'd been talking abt buying a used one.

I do wish sometimes I had feelings for Travis other than just a really good big brother type. I wish we could cuddle as friends however I don't feel comfy and he gets it. Sometimes he gets big hugs tho. He really deserves a good woman to be the maw maw to his paw paw. I have sorta made it a side mission to wing woman and introduce him to people so they can see his kind heart. He has been through addiction and homelessness and is part of the recovery circuit in the sense I could call and ask if we could "find a bed" for someone ready to get help.

I've told him he'd make a fine therapist and counselor for people with autism and drug addiction especially. I think you will see that.

I feel lucky to have such a supportive friend.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i used to be able to just like. yap for eternity like, it was my favorite thing ever!!

just go somewhere and TALK talk alone, talk for no one, talk til i had nothing to say anymore but recently ive noticed it makes me feel.. worse? like. i was supposed to just JERK OFF AND GO TO BED like . at 9 pm last night 💀 and i stayed up til like 3 am, ive just been talkin and i watched a movie, that was nice.. i miss it? something inside of me is really really sad right now and i cant quite figure out why. its like a weird puzzle, trying to navigate my brain cuz like i KNOW something wrong, but what? whats bothering me? idont understand. maybe im scared of annoying people again, but.. was i scared of that before too? i dont remember if i was or not. what do i even miss? i dont know, i miss? i dont know what i miss. i miss something, probably

maybe thats whats bothering me, i feel like ive lost something, do i feel like ive lost the ability to be comfortable just.. talking ? maybe a little.. some people followed me after i posted my spamton art and anytime that sort of thing happens, i always feel . i feel so horribly guilty!!! youve followed me for that, not to hear me chatter endlessly about whatever comes to my mind. i know i shouldnt care, but im just scared of annoying people, cuz i really do love to talk!!! i love talking about things i like, but.. something is holding me back? it feels like it, i dont know why. i think its just mental barriers. i was so up front and proud of how much i love spamton g spamton, how much i love A LOT of characters. then i made friends and i felt ashamed and embarrassed. is that all it takes? once you have a set of eyes on you that matters, you fold? i feel like that about a lot of things, maybe thats one of the reasons ive been quieter than im used to being

i think im scared, i think it scares me to imagine ever saying anything and having them be like. "eugh." like?? death id prefer death. without them even asking for it ive just kinda cut bits and pieces off to save myself from POTENTIAL rejection, the. i just want to be someone that is adored, as selfish as it is, of course ill change to get that

i think it sorta.. i . its hard to explain, but loving people when you have bpd feels like you will never ever be loved equally, because i have endless devotion and admiration, theres hardly a single thing i dont love about the people i care about, to the point where its a fault. ive let people get away with terrible things, just cuz i loved them so much i didnt care what happened to me. and sometimes it hurts real bad when i remember that the way i love isnt normal, no one could ever love me like that. its why im on edge, the fear of saying something wrong, the fear of cracking this image. they like me, dont they? what if i say something wrong and for even a small second they like me just a little bit less? it makes me chest hurt just thinking about it, its terrifying. if they like me less for a second, maybe.. the rose tinted glasses will shatter, maybe theyll realize im not all that great, maybe itll be over, gone, DONE. finished, ended . dead. i dont want that, its logical to do everything i can to avoid that right?

terrible fate, thats how i see it. the end of all things. worst possible thing to ever happen to me. id rather relive all my trauma over again than lose anyone, id rather anything else. the way i feel is extreme, but. im known for that i guess 💀 its fear, im scared. scared, what if im annoying? i get afraid of annoying STRANGERS, of course im terrified to annoy my best friends. annoying, maybe when im talking to myself about shit they dont care about, its just filler words. garbage, static , words from my mouth and it means nothing to them. isnt that thought so scary? it is to me, i hang on to every word, every stupid joke, every laugh and .

what do i feel now? im working myself up over something that hasnt even happened. ive upset myself over the IDEA of a problem, the thought that maybe something might be wrong. whatever. i think i have this intense loathing for myself, thats the thing?

with bpd, you split. yr thinking isnt clear, its black and white. painful, so painful, but.. im not some mindless monster that just lashes out. thats terrifying, id have no one if i did that right? so i split on myself instead, all that anger and pain is directed at me from inside, it rips me apart. suddenly i can see every flaw, every annoying thing ive ever done every awkward sentence, every joke that didnt land. every opportunity, every single thing that could take it all away from me. as innocent as they are it seems like genuinely theres these big ugly lacerations on my body every time i feel like im possibly maybe not being as charming as id hope to be, ugly scars that ward people off, my blood gets everywhere and it grosses them out, they scoot away an inch for every cut. i know its not true.. i make friends with good people!! the best people, it just.. its what im scared of, which in my eyes means that its true because if im scared of it, there msut be a reason why im scared ofit? it must be actively happening! every rejection of my being is a step closer to abandonment, i g

ive been doing really good, i think. im not so scared of being abandoned because ive been reassured over and over again and i dont have the heart to think past all that work thats been done for me. ive hardly thought about it, anytime i get scared i just remember the things that have been said to me, how secure my place is here. its true, surely.. but this fear is natural for me. its 2nd nature, this fear puts actions in motion to prevent abandonment. fear keeps me safe, keeps me in that little box i think people want me in. the little box that says im okay! im a good person, every aspect of me they can see in the box is enjoyable, who cares if i feel like i need to cut some pieces off to fit there?

i know in my heart its not what they want. im moving too fast, im bracing again. i just get scared, maybe im just needy. what, i need eyes on me? need to feel seen and appreciated with everything i do? if nothing else, at least THAT is 100% selfish, ive been doing better recently... but sometimes its hard not to fall back on those instincts