#ill be on and off social media for the rest of the week bc im so busy but please know im screaming and yelling!!!!

[eunnieboo]

after all this time... IT'S FINALLY HERE!!! thank you everyone for your incredible love and support! If You'll Have Me is out today ♥

[moveslikejaggeria]

i hope the porn bots that follow me enjoy my little self indulgent tirades

i deactivated my instagram accounts the same night i made my last post. i deleted the discord app. why, you might ask yourself, and the answer is just…selfishness i guess. i got tired of the opportunity of people reaching out to me and just, not, so i closed the door entirely. makes it easier that way.

originally i thought i was going to die so returning didnt matter but here i am now, two weeks(-ish) later, still alive. then i thought i’ll watch avatar, and then i’ll reopen the account. except life really isnt that kind.

one of my coworkers—my ultimate favorite—asked me if i had gotten a mole on my face tested. i was confused, because i monitor my moles pretty closely; theyre scary and skin cancer runs in my family. i went home and spent the rest of the day taking pictures and looking in the mirror and poking and prodding and ultimately i was scared. its in my hairline, so i couldnt see it too well. i knew it was there but since i was relying solely on the sense of touch, it didnt seem that bad. its huge. and dark. and also white in some places. not good signs.

i dont like moles. in fact, i hate them. i hate what they represent, how they scare me, and how i cant just pick em off. i had one removed for cosmetic reasons way way back (it returned prepre cancerous, so nothing to worry about, but…not Great) but of course theyve returned with a vengeance and completely covered my body. luckily i got in with a dermatologist so theyll take a look at it and maybe take some of it for testing and hopefully they’ll look at the rest of my body and then look me in the eyes and say “you have nothing to worry about. you are healthy” but like that’ll help calm any nerves.

speaking of cancer, my mom has been updating me on my grandfather since she casually announced he has prostate cancer. i know different people deal with these things in different ways but it just feels so jarring to go from “how are you” to “oh just by the way, theyre testing to see if the cancer spread to his bones” or “we’re getting the whole family together next week bc we dont know if we’ll ever get to truly be together ever again so you should request off work on those days”. im worried about him. im (selfishly worried ~i~ have cancer)

so i delayed my return to social media even though i finished avatar bc i just dont know if i can go out on internet public and pretend that everything is okay. nothing has been okay for three years. im dealing with financial independence from my parents, my rapidly declining health, the loneliness of being away from my friends at school, and crushing mental illness. my mom keeps saying she did it—everyone had to go through this at some point: multiple minimum wage jobs and the stress of school, but she (and a lot of others) didnt have to deal with eating disorders. with a body that doesn’t cooperate. stress excema, stress vomiting, AND stress headaches/migraines.

have i talked about how much monkey pox scares me? im constantly itchy (dry skin) and my brain goes: you have monkey pox. you have it. every pimple is dissected and pinched until im like “okay. fine”. ive stopped wearing my mask at work and honestly its made me give up on covid. props to me for holding out for two plus years, but i cant do it anymore. not when absolutely no one cares. theres a new disease in town, covid, move out the way.

[buttslapsmcgee]

h’okay, so, i don’t think i’ve explained something fully, since in the past i would angwy post abt my dad, i ended up deleting nearly all of it bc he was really good at finding things online - he knew/knows my handles on most websites, but here’s an update.

so my dad is. not a good person. i’m away from him, now. on august 22, 2019, my mom and grandmother helped me get everything we could carry and leave. a few days prior, my mom and i formulated a plan that would lure him out around 2-4 hrs away from the apartment we lived in so we could do that. 

information abt how we’re going to get the rest of my mom and i’s stuff out of the apt will be kept out of this since as i said, he knows my handles and shit.

so, it’s been a little over a year now since i finally got away from him, and since im not around him, my brain doesnt need to like... keep memories and other shit held back. he’s no longer gaslighting me so i feel like i’m wrong.

he. really, REALLY abused my mom and i. he hit her. he hit me. abused us mentally and emotionally, calling us names and bullying us. he did that to his ex wife and my half sister. he slapped my ass and called me pretty and was generally creepy towards me. i hate saying that so much i really really do because i had just. tried to forget it. thought it was no big deal.

it was. it is. and now im having to try and process all of these things. im seeing a therapist, now. my mom is helping me. i have friends who help me.

but i dont think ill ever be. fully ok... ever again.

i remember that i tried to raise money so i could get out. it never went anywhere because i was terrified he would find it. and i dont want to know what would happen if he found it. whatever money i got from that, i saved it and eventually used it to buy new things like some headphones or pen nibs for my tablet since he began to refuse to replace old and broken things.

the final straw that made me leave was this-

1. he kept me up a couple or so nights during one week - up until around 2 or 3am -just bullying me. just. verbally and emotionally abusing me. gaslighting me. wouldn’t let me go to bed.

2. that same week, a couple or so days before i finally left... he threatened to slap me every time i wouldnt look at him while he was lecturing me like a fucking child.

i didnt want to get hurt any more. i was tired of it.

so now, im with my mom, my half sister is living down the street with her baby (im an aunt now! nice.) and no, he’s never seen the baby. and he won’t. ever.

my half sister actually said she went to visit him to get some kind of closure, without the baby ofc, and the apt was a fucking mess. HE was a mess. of course.

he regularly stalks all of my mom and i’s social media - whatever isn’t private -basically shit like twitter and instagram.

just thought any of my mutuals should know this - i know this is some pretty heavy shit for a funney humour bloge and i try to keep this kinda shit off my blog but as i said - i posted abt it in the past.

writing all this was definitely harrowing on me, but i felt like it was necessary. people need to know that even those closest to you or even people you follow on social media and appreciate could be dealing with some serious, heavy shit.

life’s a bitch. but things get better. eventually.

God won’t let me die, I still have unfinished business on this bitch of an Earth.

[grasslandgirl]

For the ask game F G H R T please!

tysm anna 🥺🥺💖💖

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

ahhhhhh this is SO hard, you’re getting top three sorry not sorry

in no particular order:

1) from I’ve waited and watered my heart ‘til it grew (the magnus archives, jon and martin):

“Georgie told me once- before the Unknowing, before… before we really understood the gravity of everything- that I needed people around me, to anchor me, as it were. To talk to- to all of you, but I think she also meant you, Martin, specifically. You were always there to anchor me, to listen to me, even when you were neck-deep in Lukas’s business. Even- even when I didn’t think I deserved it.”

Martin looked down at Jon, met his inscrutable and unwavering gaze. “You always deserved it, Jon,” he said, with all the conviction he had.

[i just ahhhh i think i really nailed jon’s voice through all of this fic but martin’s line here specifically. that’s it. that’s the crux of all of it i think.]

2) from my unfinished juno steel amnesia fic (the penumbra podcast, juno and rita):

“Amnesia?” Juno mumbled, looking at Rita for confirmation. “I lost… two years?”

“I mean, yeah, Mister Steel, if the last thing you remember was the Robertson case that was two years ago. And that means you don’t remember anything about Mister Ex-Mayor Takano-Flaherty or the THEIA’s or Mister Ransom or- OH!! This reminds me of that one stream we watched, Boss, with the guy who had his brain sucked out by aliens only they weren’t aliens they were actually a super secret government agency taking away people’s memories; but oh, no, I guess you can’t remember that either, because we watched that one after the case where that lady’s cat exploded after you lost your eye and you were still all sad about Mister Glass again- we should watch that stream, Boss! Especially now that you don’t remember anything either, even though-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, Rita,” Juno said, waving his hand vaguely, “what was- any of that, if I’m being honest. Ransom and the mayor? We blew up somebody’s cat?”

“I mean technically, the cat blew itself up, Boss.”

[did i mention that i LOVE rita penumbrapodcast? cause i LOVE her and i love to write her she’s so fun and her dynamic with juno is So fun to write, she just talks and i get to run away on my keyboard and let her say whatever her salmon-crunchie flavored heart desires <3]

3) from my bad kids fantasy au unposted wip (dimension twenty, fabian and adaine and gorgug):

Fabian frowned at Gorgug, considering. “Gorgug, we need to duel more often. If I’m going to be Captain, I need to know all my competition- even if they’re my best friend.”

“Aww,” Gorgug smiled down at Fabian, “I’m your best friend?”

“What?” Fabian blinked in confusion, before noticing Gorgug’s widening smile. “You dick-” he punched Gorgug in the shoulder- “you nearly got me! Of course we’re best friends, Thistlespring-”

“What about me?” Adaine asked, watching her boys’ friendly scuffle.

“You’re my best friend, too,” Gorgug said eagerly, “I can have more than one best friend.”

“Well I have dozens of best friends,” Fabian said, never one to be out done. “But, uh, I suppose you two are the- the top of the list. Of my many friends.”

[i simply think.... they!! their dynamic is SO choice if i do say so myself, i just think that old childhood best friends is one of the Best dynamics out there and is sorely underutilized and i am taking it upon myself to solve that problem. you’re welcome, world]

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

i HAVE to write my fics in chronological order, from start to finish bc there are always scenes that i really Want to write and if i write those first then i have No drive or focus to write the Rest of the fic or the context that goes with it, so i make myself write chronologically and use the scenes that im really excited to write as a goal and a driving force to get myself through the other, equally important scenes, that i’m less excited about, otherwise the fic sits half-finished and abandoned in my wip folder, never to see the light of day......

H: How would you describe your style?

truly i Could Not Tell You. ive been told i write how i talk which. yeah. but idk how true that is for my fic/fiction writing? i truly don’t know tell me about my writing style im begging you i don’t know what my style is i just write its just there

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

there aren’t any specific writers that i draw regular, constant inspo from, really? i’m lucky to know and be friends with multiple incredibly talented authors (you, anna grace, chief among them of course) and sometimes when i read a really good fic or story ill get inspired by the author’s style or tone and work off of that; but those beats of inspiration aren’t super common and tend to just lead to short little spurts of writing, most of my longer ideas and wips are products of plot and character inspiration, drawing from my life or the original media itself and less from fic or other writing (shoutout to @nojoyinmudville and @cauldronoflove both for writing SO good that it made me write fanfiction for THEIR fanfiction sfjvnksjfbd)

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

uhhhhhh not off the top of my head? im a sucker for coffeeshop and bakery aus but they always sort of infuriate me bc you can always tell when theyre written by people who have Never Worked In Food Service nor have they KNOWN anyone who’s worked in food service bc they’re always “im the owner of a very popular, well-trafficked bakery and i’m the owner and also the ONLY EMPLOYEE. I BAKE ALL THE BREAD AND PASTRY MYSELF. AND I RUN THE REGISTER AND THE COUNTER. AND I CLEAN THE WHOLE KITCHEN. AND I DO ALL THE FINANCES AND ORDER FORMS AND LEGAL TAPE. I ALSO HAVE TIME FOR A FUFILLING SOCIAL AND ROMANTIC LIFE. SOMEHOW, I SLEEP SOMETIMES.” plese. im begging u people. use your critical thinking skills. or, if all else fails. GOOGLE HOW WORKING IN A COFFEESHOP WORKS. YOU DON’T WORK 6AM- 8PM SHIFTS SIX DAYS A WEEK WITH ONE COWORKER. YOU HAVE SHIFTS. MORE PEOPLE IN THE RUSH HOURS. YOU HAVE DAYS OFF. ahem. anyway. yeah.

this got. so long sorryyyyyy ksjbskjf but thank you a million anna grace ilyyy 💖💖🤧🤧

send me a fanfic ask!! (my ao3 acc is @/grasslandgirl and is linked in my bio!)

[stcrr]

elle fanning. cis female. she/her.  ／  lorelei “lorrie” gunther just pulled up blasting which witch by florence + the machine  — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty-three year old musician, i’ve heard they’re really -reclusive, but that they make up for it by being so +observant. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say chipped glitter nail polish, a silver gilt mirror, losing yourself in the beat of the music. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( ally, 22, est, she/her )

me: i don’t have a type when it comes to muses! also me: unveils this new muse that is also introverted and anxious but this time with more glitter. anyways, meet lorelei, starr to her fans, and lorrie to her friends, an observant girl, gifted mimic, misfit, mirror, and musician. kind of a jem and the holograms/hannah montana/perfect blue hybrid. details under the cut, like for me to hyu to plot !! 

(also her pinterest im really proud of it you guys)

statistics.

full name. lorelei amelia gunther. nicknames. lorrie. aliases. starr. occupation. singer-songwriter. age. twenty-three. date of birth. february 1st, 1997.  nationality. american. ethnicity. white (austrian and irish).  gender | orientation. cis female | queer. hometown. boston, ma. zodiac sign. aquarius sun, scorpio moon, pisces rising career/voice claim. lorde.

height. 5′9 weight. 120lbs build. willowy.  distinguishing features. wide eyes, full lips, constant bags, probably has glitter in her hair.  health. 7/10; has no major illnesses but eats like shit, has a whack sleep schedule, is a dysfunctional adult basically. she’s also big depressed but you know how it be. 

positive traits. ambitious, intuitive, observant, imaginative, independent,  neutral traits. talkative, intense, impressionable,  negative traits. anxious, avoidant, moody, secretive, resentful, aloof, 

likes. the nighttime, storms, baggy clothes, mountains, weed, lsd, books, blanket forts, lying on the floor, singing, cryptids, cemeteries,  dislikes. being herself, deadlines, dolls/puppets, the paparazzi, social media, planning ahead, the outdoors, conflict, the beach, 

history. 

(tw suicide mention, anxiety attack) (tldr at the bottom)

her mother called her lorelei after the sirens of the rhine; she insisted her first cries were the sweetest song. and lorelei continued to have a beautiful voice; she sang more than she spoke. but only at home. 

she never responded to lorelei, though, not really; it felt too grand for her. she was a chicken-legged girl who liked overalls and goosebumps books. she was just lorrie.

she grew up in a lower-middle class region of boston, ma. her father was a salesman, and her mother was a travel agent. 

for a while, at school, she didn’t speak at all. she was diagnosed with selective mutism at age five, and it took until she was thirteen to overcome it completely. 

this was not at all helped by the fact that her parents had a nasty divorce when she was seven years old. her father used her mother’s ten-year-old suicide attempt against her in court to prove she wasn’t stable, and gained full custody of lorelei and her two older brothers. her oldest brother, matthias, sided with their father, but the middle brother, jeremias, sided with their mom, and tried to run away to his mother’s house basically every month. he ran away for good when he was fifteen, living with his girlfriend’s family. 

what helped her overcome this selective mutism, at least at first, was her middle school drama class. at home, lorelei had always been an excellent mimic. she did her favorite impressions for her drama teacher, and she encouraged her to try some monologues and scenes. as she got better at acting, she realized that she didn’t have to be herself; she could be somebody else. and that made talking all the easier. 

by high school, she was no longer selectively mute, but was still anxious and shy. she was, however, a total drama kid, and still loved to act. she could be outrageous, incredible on stage; she wasn’t being herself, after all, so if people were judging her, it was the character they were judging, not her. 

still she was def the kind of girl who had a mental breakdown every four months and dyed/cut her hair/gave herself bangs. she could never quite shake the feeling that she was an outsider looking in, separated, different. 

she still loved music, and as she grew older, she started to write songs. it was her secret dream to be a musician. one of her theater friends talked her into singing one of them when she was sixteen, and then encouraged her to try out for the talent show. she was able to get through the audition, though she was a little nervous, but she knew it would be fine. she was on stage all the time, this would be fine. 

but this time, she had to be herself in front of the entire school, and she froze up, not a sound leaving her lips. she doesn’t remember leaving the stage; only remembers that suddenly, she was in the girls bathroom, sobbing her eyes out. 

her friends comforted her that night, partying in their basement like they always did, but thats when lorrie had an idea. what if she didn’t perform as herself? 

that’s when a starr was born. 

as lorelei dressed herself up in all the holo and glitter she had, she created starr in her head; she was born beloved, charismatic, fearless, this glitz and glamor girl who had it all, but what now? even at the top, she found emptiness. she was a beautiful supernova, so breathtaking you forgot she was really a collapsing star. 

starr was lorrie’s ultimate muse; she wrote song after song for her in the next few months, until, finally, she asked some of her friends to help her record a music video. she didn’t expect this music video to get 60 million views in a matter of weeks. 

royals, of course, blew the fuck up, and she had people calling her house to get her to sign with this record company or that record company, and her eventual producer flew her out to la with her dad. and, of course, the rest is history. (her dad also blew a lot of the money she earned as a minor but she got rid of him and that’s neither here nor there.) 

however, as she got more and more into the la lifestyle, she began to rely more and more on starr as an alter ego. people liked starr, after all, and lorrie didn’t even like herself. she played the part of the dignified, wise, and eccentric former queen during interviews, when recording, at after parties and award shows. 

even her first major relationship she got while acting like starr, someone fearless and fun, basically a manic pixie dream girl. if you’ve ever listened to the album melodrama, then you know how badly that ended. 

that’s around when she realized that starr had taken over her entire life. coming home from a house party absolutely zonked, she looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize herself, didn’t see that nerdy, overall-clad chicken-legged girl from her family pictures. 

she stripped her clothes off, scraped the makeup off her face until her skin was red and dry, dragged a brush through her hair to get rid of all the product, and pulled on a hoodie and leggings she had brought with her to la a year ago. she wrote the first draft of all the songs in melodrama in the coming hours. 

however, she still wrote from starr’s perspective, knew she’d perform it as starr. it may be far more personal, but lorrie wasn’t ready to come out just yet. in fact, she’s kind of been hiding the last year or so, a full-on depression mess. 

tl;dr lower middle class nerdy girl from boston overcomes crippling social anxiety through acting, finesses this into an alter ego to be a musician, hits it big, loses herself in the alter ego, has a disastrous relationship, and tries to become herself again. 

present.

first of all, her real name is Known to the public, but not her “brand” outside of starr. it’s proven to be a boon as of late; she’s known for basically being a walking sailor moon cosplayer, not a skinny woman in baggy jeans and a big black hoodie.

since she’s trying to work on herself, she’s kind of in a creative slump. like, she still has more than enough royalties off her music to keep her going, but her agent and producer are both pushing her to clean up some of her songs and record them for a new album. she can still write as starr, but it feels... different, now. melodrama was far more personal than pure heroine, and she wants to continue to grow; writing as starr feels like reverting back to her sixteen year old self. but she’s too scared to write as herself So....

at events though she’s still in the gauze and stars people expect from starr. 

trying to reach out to her mom and brother jer again. not her dad, fuck her dad. 

loves true crime, the supernatural, and conspiracy thought. is probably watching a true crime doc rn. 

she’s just starting to leave her house for the first time in like... a year? like she’s only started to get out again in the last few months.

as for drugs, she def drinks, but she’s more likely to smoke weed. also, she’s a big fan of lsd, but holds herself off to only tripping every few months.

is considering moving to the woods and being the lonely crone everyone whispers about. or maybe switching to voice acting. 

she fuckin hates dolls. literally her worst nightmare is being trapped in some collectors’ doll rooms.  

wanted connections. 

melodrama ex (0/1) - the ex she wrote her breakup album about. can be any gender. i literally want this connection so bad kfdskjkadsfds

best friend (0/1) - someone who was with her throughout her... Transformation

squad (0/3) - bc who doesn't love a squad. this is the vibe i’m going for (sound warning)

icon (1/1) - someone lorrie looks up to and like... majorly doesn't wanna disappoint. - filled by kami!!!

musician buddies (0/?) - they bounce lyrics off of each other, you know how it is.

rival pop star (0/1) - idk i just think it would be Neat. maybe even with a plot that they had a major falling out and now they have to pretend to get along.

hookups (0/?) - or other messy shit

texting crush (0/1) - really weird concept but like... i imagine lorrie would have the number or snap or insta or whatever of this muse and they get talking after melodrama and she just... lays it all out. they don't really talk in person, but she feels really close to them and definitely develops a crush

weed buddy (0/1) - they come to her house and smoke and complain its great

friend turned enemy (0/1) - maybe someone who adored starr but doesn't like who she is now?????? idk idk

enemy turned friend (0/1) - maybe someone who thought starr was fake af but then meets lorrie being Herself and is just like "oh you're a Human" idk idk

bonus.

as a thank you for making it to the end of this fucking enormous intro, please take a moment to enjoy these tik toks reflective of lorrie’s personality (they’re also???? great on their own) 

lorrie talking/singing to herself alone in her house 

honestly she has tinkerbell vibes

drunk mouths speak sober thoughts

and thats on mental illness

[cantbehandled-ever]

i was tagged by the lovely @flowrxchild and @satans-helper to answer these questions, thanks sm!

What was the last thing you read?

- my chem textbook, i have a final on thursday

Favourite movie?

- the sixth sense

Favourite book?

- a case of need by michael crichton

Dream date?

- kayaking!!! i love kayaking and me and my date could go kayak where all the manatees are!!

Do you have a crush?

- on every girl i meet

What are your hobbies?

- collecting vinyls, playing my bass, being an absolute dumbass, kayaking, going to concerts, and camping

What’s your favourite time of day?

- mid morning! i’m a morning person and it’s typically after i’ve had time to wake up, but haven’t dealt with enough to ruin my day yet lol

If you could look like anything, what would you look like?

- skinny. that’s all i want

Are you romantic?

- cripplingly so! so whoever ends up being my partner needs to prepare themselves

What’s your favourite type of weather?

- sunny, but cool. i like it cool enough to wear layers, but not freezing

What do you like talking about?

- my niche interests, music, and i like when people share anecdotes that they think i will find funny

What are your turn ons?

- being gentle, nice smiles/ nice laughs, being super passionate about what they’re doing, playing with my hair, and a bunch of other stuff because i’m horny and touch-starved

Turn offs?

- being condescending, being overly controlling, conservative political views, and not having stuff they care about

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

- i want a bee tattoo so bad and once i get the money, i’m probably going to get it! i want it on the outer left arm, above the elbow

Do you have any pets?

- nope, i miss it though. pet fees at apartments are so expensive though

Dream job?

- an oral surgeon i suppose, but idk. i just want something that makes me happy and can support me.

Dream place to live?

- not in florida lol. i want to live closer to the mountains and forests, but idk exactly where

Dream vacation?

- backpacking through ireland! my uncle did it when he was around my age and it sounds like an amazing experience

Do you have any piercings?

- two, but they’re nothing interesting unfortunately. i really want to get my nose pierced, i just don’t want it affecting my chances of getting into dental school bc i’m not “professional-looking”

If you had kids, what would you name them?

- considering i don’t want kids, i have no fucking idea lol

What are your best traits?

- my laugh, i have a good sense of humor most of the time, and i tend to be pretty understanding

Worst traits?

- i am very anxious, so i get paranoid that i upset people way too easily. i also am way too sensitive. plus, i’m annoying

What’s your worst fear?

- me getting stuck doing something i hate for the rest of my life

What do you want to eat right now?

- nothing, i just ate cheddar broccoli soup though, so that can be my answer

What’s your best vacation you’ve ever been on?

- when i went to colorado and i stayed in the mountains! we went white water rafting and hiking, it was a really nice time

Favourite city?

- greenville, south carolina

Favourite social media platform?

- tumblr

Favourite article of clothing?

- either my doc martens or my flares!

Do you play any sports?

- not anymore, but i used to swim competitively and play volleyball

Favourite meal of the day?

- dinner, i suppose. i don’t really eat breakfast and lunch is usually at school, so it’s p boring

What are you excited for?

- being done with this semester lol, also weirdly enough, i’m really excited to get my wisdom teeth out bc i’ve had a lot of problems with them

Not excited for?

- finals

When was the last time you cried?

- yesterday. i cry all the time

Dream house?

- lots of windows, super cozy, room for a big garden!

What’s something you hate about the world?

- lack of basic human empathy, also a complete disregard for our environment. bonus item: capitalism

What’s something you love about the world?

- has a lot of creative outlets and lots of unique cultures

What scents do you like?

- peonies is my fave, but i also like really clean scents

What kind of sleeper are you?

- stomach sleeper! also a really light sleeper, so i never really feel well-rested

Are you a cat or dog person?

- technically a dog person, because i’ve never owned a cat, but i do want a cat eventually

How long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse?

- probably two weeks, maybe a month if i find a good group

Are you trusting?

- unfortunately way too much lol. i guess i’m kinda naive because i want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but once you break my trust, you’ll never get it back

What fictional character do you identify with?

- ben wyatt from parks and recreation

What labels do you commonly get?

- annoying, loud, straight (lol v unfortunate), and funny

What song would be your life anthem?

- i still miss someone by johnny cash

What issues are you dealing with rn?

- stress and the normal mental illness bullshit

How can someone win you over?

- tell me i’m funny lol, also just be nice to me

What’s something about you people don’t know?

- i’m allergic to shellfish

i tag: @mountainofthesunn @aint-no-denying @shes-outta-sight @gvfyeet @longhaireddeacy @bigthighsandstupidguys @n1-party-anthem @im-gettin-hazy @v-i-d-e-n-o-i-r

[oudkee]

i’m feeling nostalgic about the last decade of my life so here’s a post reminiscing on that and a bit about why i am the way i am i guess... it got kinda philosophical as i wrote it... feel free 2 ignore bc it is relevant to literally nothing at all and is very disorganized but if you wanna read it that’s cool too! it doesn’t encompass every little thing that happened to me or even most of the things i was into over time but i think i covered all the major events and influential media

please like the post if you read it!

sad animal stuff tw

the 2010-2019 decade encompassed all of my teens so obviously i did a lot of growth as a person. and got 4 inches taller. but im proud of what i have improved on in spite of my shortcomings and some traumatizing things that have really set me back a bit.

at the start of the decade, my family living together was me, my parents, and our four cats: star, sara jane, ditto, and jefferson.

2010: i turned 13 years old in february. i was a volunteer at the public library in the town i lived in, so i got to see all my friends every wednesday. i was starting to get really into anime and getting out of star trek which i’d been obsessed with since like 2008. deviantart was my social media of choice and i met one of my best friends, daniel, this year and we’re still friends to this day. irl however, because of the recession, and the fact my dad had lost his job in 2008, we lost the house we were living in (foreclosure) and had to pull up stakes and move 5 hours away to far south texas (the rio grande valley), close to the mexico border, to live with my grandma in 2011.

2011: i turned 14 years old in february. 4 days later is when my parents and i, with the help of my uncle, moved everything including three of our four cats. one of our cats, star, we had to give to a shelter bc she had severe depression after we lost another of our cats, oliver, in 2007. she couldn’t take care of herself properly and we couldn’t afford to groom her etc any more. living in the valley was a bit neat at first but quickly became severely depressing. i obviously had no friends there since i was homeschooled and the libraries were... a bit lacking, so there was no hope in me volunteering. we were living with my grandma and things got a bit rough, she accused the cats of bringing in fleas (they didn’t have fleas before we moved there) so they had to stay in the garage, and relations between ourselves and her got a bit turbulent. my mom called her mother and we arranged for she and i to go live with her (a 9 hour drive away, the dfw metroplex) in june. my dad stayed in the valley to finish the college course he was taking. i remember i was very into sailor moon and megaman at the beginning of the year and... hetalia at the end... i was 14, okay? i also started my original tumblr account this year.

2012: i turned 15 years old. i was very happy this year, discovering my interests etc and just genuinely having a good time. i volunteered at a locally owned health food store a short bike ride from where i was living, and helped them clean up shelves and process orders once a week in exchange for a meal from the store. the two owners of the store were super nice to me and helped me out quite a bit as i was going through my late teens. i was WAY into homestuck and ace attorney and when my dad moved up with us that summer, we got really into fullmetal alchemist together. i had seen most of the 2003 anime when i was 13 but never finished it, so he and i finished that and brotherhood together. i was super obsessed with kimblee and gained a reputation on tumblr for being obsessed with him. i also gained a reputation on tumblr for laughing at this gif for 37 years. i also started dating my first girlfriend this year and things were good for a while. i was a bit emotionally unstable online but i kept myself in check irl. in december i got into an anime called inazuma eleven...

2013: i turned 16 years old. “dropped out” of tenth grade (still homeschooled so basically just stopped doing my work bc it was boring and not engaging.) inazuma eleven took over my life. i was completely obsessed. i remember little else about 2013 other than going to my first anime convention (a-kon in dallas) and meeting one of my tumblr friends, the person who got me into inazuma eleven. i also got very into vintage anime this year but i sincerely don’t remember a lot else. things again got turbulent where my parents and i were living (mental illness runs in my mom’s side of the family) and things were pretty horrible so i locked myself in my room almost all of the time unless the weather was cool enough for me to ride my bike around town. my love for desarm from inazuma eleven kept me going through the latter half of this year and became iconic in my tumblr circles much as my love for kimblee was. speaking of kimblee and desarm, for this year and 2014, several of my friends made their icon kimblee in 2013 and desarm in 2014 for my birthday. it’s a very small gesture and this was a long time ago but it’s something i’ll definitely never forget. i also got really into the x-files this year, my parents were obsessed with it in the 90s and gave me the middle name anderson because of gillian anderson. so it only makes sense that eventually i would vibe with it.

2014: i turned 17 years old. my parents finally had started saving enough money for us to get out and that spring we moved to an apartment. my previously mentioned friend that got me into inazuma cut me and several other friends off without a word and this has continued to give me trust issues especially concerning making new friends. my parents had to give up one of our cats to a shelter since the apartments had a two pet limit, and unfortunately the one that had to go was the oldest, my best friend, ditto. i did very poorly the rest of the year and into the next. however, this was also the year i discovered my favourite anime (galaxy express 999) and my favourite band (the b-52s) so it wasn’t too terrible. i also met one of my best friends, ash, irl (we had been friends on tumblr since 2012) and through them i also met another one of my best friends, elijah. i also met ANOTHER one of my best friends, conner, this year through the health food store. i inherited my parents’ x files media collection which included literally 7+ year’s worth of newspaper clippings, books, magazines, tapes, etc, including one fundamentally prophetic item. i got super into yu-gi-oh at the very end of the year.

2015: i turned 18 years old. i was so mentally and emotionally gunched that i had to break up with my girlfriend, we remained friends for a while but admittedly i wasn’t very good to her which i regret because she was one of the better people in my life at this time. my little yu-gi-oh obsession kept me going for a while, and i’d pepper in some of the retsupurae videos on youtube for a chuckle. through them i got obsessed with two dos games from the 1990s, darkseed and darkseed 2, and though /those/ i became obsessed with my favourite artist, h.r. giger. in the summer, we got this new channel on tv that showed vintage game shows 24/7 and i watched it super religiously. like, it was really crazy. one of the game show hosts in particular, bert convy, completely captivated me. something about his mannerisms and voice always soothed me and i always found myself looking forward to his shows being on. 

2016: i turned 19 years old. i got my first real job which i am still at currently, and quit working at the health food store. i started volunteering at a-kon and made great new friends. i was obsessed with 1990s sonic the hedgehog games and media for whatever reason the first half of the year. i also spent a lot of time researching things about bert convy’s life and projects he worked on, and he really inspired me to keep going. it was just wild to me, a famous person that didn’t spend their whole life doing only one thing... it soothed my uncertainty about my own life. with my fresh hot new paychecks coming in i started buying myself merch and cosplays i had always wanted... including things related to a series i was just getting super into again: inazuma eleven. i also remember getting into mystery science theatre 3000 this year (see the link in the 2014 paragraph) as it held nostalgic value for being present in the majority of my early childhood memories - my dad would constantly have it on whenever he was home from work circa 1999-2001 and i always remember loving the theme song and ending theme but getting frustrated bc in my head it was just sesame street for adults. try again in 16 years i guess.

2017: i turned 20 years old. i don’t remember a lot about this year other than our other two cats getting old and sick and passing away a few months apart. it was very stressful for me as i had never in my life lived without cats around. it took over a year for me to even be able to look at cat photos without feeling upset. i also had the worst food poisoning of my life this year and was actually convinced i was going to die because it was so violent and lasted so many days. another thing (this time it’s good) that happened this year is my parents and i finally all got decent phones and we all became addicted to pokemon go and still are. i also started dating my third girlfriend late in the year (idr when i dated my second bc it didn’t last long lol. but we are still very close friends) and she got me into monster factory.

2018: i turned 21 years old. got my GED without studying for it bc im that bitch. living at the apartment sucked absolute ass bc our neighbours were shite. so we moved to a duplex from the 1980s and it rocked. this year i was really REALLY into inazuma eleven again and made a bunch of friends in the fandom. i also became obsessed with vintage bollywood this year, particularly anything madhubala was in. one of my new managers at work and i became really good friends because we were both really into pokemon go. my third girlfriend and i broke up and it was a massive blow to my trust and self esteem and after this i had an even harder time really making new friends or talking to anyone. but that’s okay, because i’m about to get really into orange is the new black and it’s gonna change a lot. see the link in the 2014 paragraph again.

2019: i turned 22 years old. i spent january and february doing little else but binging orange is the new black. i was obsessed. this is when i started to have the really weird and kind of bad prison dreams. my favourite character was red, the russian lady running the kitchen. i was so so so in love with her that i had to find out what else the actress was in. uh oh! star trek voyager! i had never seen any star trek besides tos and tng so i made the plunge and loved it immediately. the characters of voyager became like a family to me. my friends from the inazuma fandom and i ended up having some pretty severe creative differences but voyager helped me take the blow of losing all that friendship because it helped me realize there’s so much more out there. i was (and still am) deeply in love with captain janeway, in spite of not always agreeing with everything her character did. her morally grey demeanor made her so much more real to me. my love for voyager was also boosted by the fact that my manager friend that played pokemon go with me also loved voyager and it was his favourite trek. in june i found a star trek cosplay group that wrote their own stories and made little fake “episodes” with the cosplay photos and i thought it sounded fun so i joined and am now the ship’s counselor. i was convinced by the captain to watch deep space nine in spite of me not wanting to, so as to further my st universe knowledge. i absolutely hated it at first but a character named odo grew on me quickly. i had to quit my job due to an abusive manager and was severely depressed over the summer but once that manager finally got fired, my manager friend rehired me with a good raise. ds9 as a series grew on me a lot more and i ended up making another one of my best friends, boss, because of it. i’ve made lots of other good friends because of trek too but because of what happened with the inazuma friend group i’m still a bit wary of others unfortunately. but overall i’m very happy that things led me to getting back into star trek again, odo and janeway both fill me with so much love that they keep me going. things aren’t perfect in my life but i’m very happy i have them, my parents, and my friends. also i’m really obsessed with vintage bollywood again. to be continued next decade

[chittaphonsicecream]

blackmail: a wonwoo hacker!au

synopsis: you’ve dumped your ex boyfriend and blocked him on everything, but you’re pretty sure he’s been logging into your social media accounts and stalking you. your best friend suggests that you go to the IT nerds at school and ask for some help in figuring out who’s watching you. you enlist jeon wonwoo’s help in stopping him and wreaking a little bit of havoc of your own. female reader x wonwoo ft kaistal bc I miss them

word count: 6.4k (the ending is kinda rushed bc i was lowkey sick of writing)

a/n: this takes place in an american college:) so basically… this is based on something that happened to me (the stalking part). wonwoo doesn’t get introduced for a while but when he does it’s worth it. it’s really angsty and slow but I hope you enjoy.

“Look, I think we’re better apart,” you said, staring your boyfriend directly in the eyes.

“I don’t agree,” he said. He grabbed your hand a little too forcefully. “You are the only one for me.”

“Jason…” you said. You took a deep sigh and looked at him. “I’ve been telling you for the past hour, we are over.”

“No, you can’t do this,” he said. “Yes, yes, I can,” you said. “You need to leave.”

“So the past nine months have been a lie?”

“No, the past nine months have been you manipulating me into thinking that I loved you and that you’re as good as it gets,” you deadpanned. “Jason, you need to leave. Now.”

“No!” he yelled. “There’s nobody like you, _____.”

“Yes, there is. I’m not special. Now get out before I call the police,” you threatened. “You’ve wasted nine months of my life, don’t waste another minute.”

“You need professional help, you know that, right?” questioned Jason. “You’re the most heartless, uncaring bitch I’ve ever met.”

“Hm, sucks for you,” you said. “Now get the fuck out of my apartment before Krystal comes home.”

“Fine, but we’re not done talking,” he said. “We’ll make it through this.”

“I really don’t think so,” you replied as you pushed him out of your apartment and slammed the door in his face.

Knowing what Jason could be like, you quickly locked your doors and waited in the farthest room in your apartment. He had been manipulating you for as long as you could remember, convincing you that you were happiest with him when really he was isolating you from the rest of your friends and family. You hadn’t even liked him; he just continually told you that he liked you until you caved in and consented to being his girlfriend. In reality, he was one of the worst people you knew.

Following the breakup, he relentlessly tried to contact you and become your friend. He even went as far as to send his older brother’s ex girlfriend, a good friend of yours, to tell you how much he missed you and how unhappy he was without you. She warned you heavily to stay away from him and his entire family.  

After you blocked Jason and cut him off completely, you began to adjust back to your normal life. You were becoming happier, more outgoing, and more of who you used to be. Everyone in your life noticed the positivity.

Chatting over bowls of cereal, you and Krystal were sitting at your small kitchen table. You opened up your Snapchat to find yourself logged out, which could mean one of two things: either Snapchat was being its typical glitchy self or someone else had logged into your account. The only person who knew your password was Krystal.

“Hey, Krystal, did you log into my Snap?” you asked.

“No, why?” she replied.

“Nothing,” you mumbled. “It must be glitching or something.”

“Okay,” she said. “Hey, are you still friends with Jason’s cousin?”

“Which one?”

“The one that introduced the two of you.”

“Oh, Hailey. Yeah, but we’re not as close as we were when Jason and I were just friends. And then we kind of drifted when I dumped him and now we hardly see or talk to each other.”

“I didn’t care that much,” laughed Krystal. “I was just wondering why your Instagram profile pic has her in it now.”

“I didn’t change it,” you said.

“Yeah, you did.” Krystal held up her phone to your face to show a picture of you and Hailey, clearly happy. It was a photo taken during the camping trip where you and Jason became close.

“I don’t remember changing it.” You grabbed her phone and took a closer look. You had more followers than you remembered, too, and you were private. “Maybe I did it when I was falling asleep last night.”

“I think it’s pretty new,” she said, “and you do weird stuff when you’re tired, so I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Yeah,” you mumbled in reply.

Over the next few months, small but strange things continued happening on your social media. Snapchats had been opened that you couldn’t recall seeing, follow requests that you never saw were accepted, direct messages were opened by someone other than you, posts you never saw were liked, stories you never viewed were watched, and random people were added to your Snapchat. Again, you didn’t think much of it.

After a few months of avoiding Hailey and discussing the breakup, you finally met up with her for lunch. She was desperate to catch up with you, especially after you had distanced yourself so severely from her. At one point she had been your best friend, but now the two of you were more like strangers.

The small restaurant was a nice little meeting place, and you arrived a few minutes early to make sure that your reservation was claimed. It was commonplace for Hailey to arrive rather late, from five minutes to forty-five minutes. After you ordered drinks for the both of you, she arrived.

“Sorry for being so late,” she apologized profusely.

“Hailey, you’re always late,” you laughed. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to see how you’ve been holding up,” she offered. “You know, our whole family really believed that you and Jason would get married. We’d never seen him like the way he was with you.”

“The way he was with me was constantly manipulating me and making my life toxic,” you spat. “Hailey, I didn’t come here so you could talk me into getting back together with Jason.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “but I thought it was worth a shot.”

“A shot that’ll ruin our friendship permanently. He’s an awful person. I don’t hate people, but I hate him,” you deadpanned. “Can we talk about literally anything else?”

“Alexa had her second kid,” Hailey offered, “and Nick is finally engaged to Alondra.”

Hailey went on a tangent about her older siblings and their success before circling back around to what she really wanted to talk about.

“And I’m dating someone, too,” she said quietly. “I didn’t want to mention anything since your past relationship was so bad.”

You laughed. “I’m not that terrible of a person. I can be happy for someone else, you know?”

“Okay,” smiled Hailey. “He’s going to Cozumel with my family and me next week. The whole crew is going, Alexa and her family, Nick and his fiance, and Jason’s family. Jason’s sister Madison is already pregnant and they wanted to get in a trip before the baby’s born.”

“They’ve been married for six months!” you exclaimed. “I was Jason’s date to the wedding. That’s…”

“An accident?” offered Hailey. “I think so, but she and Chad deny it.”

“Whatever makes them feel better,” you said.

“Yeah.” She took a sip of her drink. “Do you think I’m being too forward by bringing my boyfriend on a family trip? It’s only been a few months.”

“At least you’ll know soon whether this relationship is going to work.” It was meant to be a joke, but Hailey took it seriously. The conversation was becoming uncomfortable, forced with the continuous mention of Jason, so finally you excused yourself, left a twenty dollar bill on the table, and headed home.

The next week, strange things continued to happen on your social media. Knowing you, you continued to ignore it and think nothing of it. Finally, as you opened up your Instagram, you got a strange notification.

We detected an unusual login attempt. iOS | Jun 27, 6:10 AM | Cozumel, Mexico

Your heartbeat soared as you realized what this could mean. Tears welled up in your eyes as you quickly texted Hailey.

hey, are you in cozumel?

yeah, we landed a little before 6 this morning. why?

nothing. jason flew with you?

yes what’s wrong

nothing don’t worry

You ran to the bathroom where Krystal was getting ready for the day and started banging on the door. “Krystal!” you shouted. “Krystal, open the door!” You were crying and sat on the floor of the hallway until Krystal opened the door.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Jason has been logging into my accounts all this time. You know that weird stuff that was constantly happening on my accounts? It was him.”

“How?”

“I don’t know… All of my passwords are pretty difficult.”

“Okay, well, let’s start with changing your passwords.” Krystal paused for a second, and then spoke again. “How do you know it’s him?”

“Who else would be stalking my accounts? I’m not interesting. I blocked him on everything, and then this morning I get a notification that someone in Cozumel has been logging into my account. And you know who flew into Cozumel this morning? Jason.”

“Text him,” Krystal said. “See if he’ll say he’s been logging into your accounts.”

jason

wow didn’t expect to hear from you anytime soon

yeah ik

u feeling lonely i guess? ;)

no

aw babe

don’t aw babe me why have you been logging into my social media

I havent??

yes you fucking have leave me the fuck alone

no i havent

I got a notification saying someone in cozumel has been logging into my accounts and ik weird shit has been going down in my account this is illegal

theres lots of people in cozumel what if it wasnt me

im going to the police

you have no proof that its me

ill find a way to get proof leave me tf alone stay out of my accounts

Krystal snatched your phone from your hands. “I don’t really think we can do anything if he denies it,” she sighed. Her eyes lit up. “I know some kids in the IT department of school. I bet they’d help.” She pulled you up from off the floor. “Get ready, let’s go talk to them.”

You dressed quickly because the sooner you met with the IT kids, the sooner you could figure out who had truly been stalking you. As soon as you were ready, you grabbed Krystal’s arm and started jogging towards the campus. She had dressed well, like always, but you were comfortable and ready to run.

After a few minutes of running, you finally arrived at the university’s tech department. Krystal was friends with most everybody, so she showed you where the IT kids could be found. She knocked quietly on the door after you had ran up the stairs to the entrance.

“Come in,” someone called from the other side.

“Hey, guys,” Krystal said as she opened up the door. “I need a favor.”

“What is it?” one of the boys asked. There was only one girl, and she was quietly working away at her computer, headphones in ears.

“_____, tell them what’s been happening,” she said as she pushed you towards them.

You began your long tale of your toxic relationship, the messy breakup, the strange social media occurrences, and finally, that morning’s notification.

“I’d recommend talking to Wonwoo, the boy over there,” said the boy that Krystal knew. “He’s good with that stuff. Doesn’t get caught, either.”

“Okay, thank you,” you said. You walked over to the tall, dark haired boy with glasses. “Hi,” you said softly. “I need you to do me a favor. I’ll literally do anything for it.” You paused. “Well, not anything.”

“What is it?” 

“I need you to find out who has been logging into my Instagram accounts. You’re a hacker, right?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said, “but I’m more of a vigilante hacker. I don’t just hack to hack.”

“Well, I think you’ll be intrigued by what I’m going to tell you,” you replied hopefully. You began your spiel once more, and by the end, Wonwoo had his chin in his hands and was staring at you intently.

“It’ll take me maybe ten minutes to figure out if he’s been logging into your account, but from the looks of it, he definitely has,” Wonwoo said. “But this isn’t my style. My style is more messing with people who did bad things on the internet.”

“Okay, but will you see if it’s even him? I think it is but can you make sure anyway?” you asked.

“Yeah, give me a few.” Wonwoo turned to his computer and left you alone

“Hey, _____,” Krystal called from across the room. “I’m heading home. I don’t want to be here too long. Are you okay on your own?”

“I’m fine,” you replied as you took a seat next to Wonwoo and watched him type rapidly. “You don’t mind if I stay with you, do you?”

“No, I really don’t.” Wonwoo didn’t even look up from his computer as he kept typing. After a few minutes, he came up empty handed. He looked at you confusedly. “His phone is heavily protected. I don’t know what kind of software this person has installed, but I can’t access it. All I can access is the Apple ID of the person that owns the phone, and it’s a bunch of random numbers and letters. I can try hacking into that, but I don’t think it’s going to lead anywhere.”

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“I mean your ex-boyfriend is either incredibly clever or he has someone else doing the dirty work for him,” Wonwoo said.

“He’s really smart. Tech savvy.”

“Then he knows what he���s doing.” Wonwoo looked back at the screen and then to you. “I think I can figure out if it’s him, but it’ll take a solid half hour. I have to hack into the account and then see all of the phones and devices the accounts have been linked to and see if any of them belong to him. You should go get food or something while I do this; it might be a while.”

“Okay,” you said. “I’ll bring something back for you. What do you want?”

“How about burgers?” he asked.

“I’ll be back soon. You have my number now, so text me what you want,” you said with a smile. Wonwoo nodded before pulling out his phone and sending you his order.

After about fifteen minutes, you were back with burgers. Wonwoo was spinning around in his chair and smiled at you. “It’s him. That Jason guy, it’s him.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“I know you want to go to the police, but I want to have a little fun,” Wonwoo said. “This is my speciality of sorts.”

“But what if you get caught?” you asked.

“I won’t.” He took his burger from you. “Consider this payment for my deeds,” he said with a wink.

“I don’t know if I want you to mess with him. He’s a little psycho.”

“He’s not just a little psycho, he’s a lot psycho.” Wonwoo smiled at you softly. “Look, ____, if you don’t want me to, I won’t. But I think you want this guy to get a taste of his own medicine.”

“Of course I do,” you said. “But what could we possibly do to him?”

“I have some ideas, but you’ll have to consent. And they can be pretty shady, but I promise you, we won’t get caught,” Wonwoo said.

“What are your ideas?” you asked.

“If you give me your phone, I can retrieve every conversation the two of you have ever had. The embarrassing, the sweet, the manipulative, everything. Blackmail him with his own nudes? Done. Blackmail him with the embarrassing, loving, manipulative things he told you? Done. He won’t mess with you ever again, not as long as you’ve got this on your side.”

You stared at him. His proposal was intriguing to say the least. You knew Krystal would approve, but you also knew that he would access a lot of vulnerable things about you. You had some rather revealing photos in there, and while that did bother you, it didn’t bother you as much as the awkward and embarrassing photos you sent or the things you had confided in Jason. But you knew that he may never stop unless you made him stop, and you’d rather it be in your hands than in the authority’s hands. You looked at him, bit your lip, and then agreed.

“You promise you won’t judge me?” you asked.

“I promise,” replied Wonwoo softly. He gave your hand a gentle squeeze to reassure you. “You’re a good person. I can tell by just how you are. Texts between some manipulator and you aren’t going to make me change my mind.”

“Okay.” You handed him the phone. “But can you walk me home and then take my phone? I don’t want to be without my phone in the city.”

“Sure,” he said. He began packing up his things and then wrapped an arm around you. “It’s going to be fine. I’m good at what I do, and I don’t care about what you said. I only care about what he said.” He squeezed your shoulder gently. “It’s going to be okay. I’m not him.”

“You don’t need to tell me that,” you laughed as you detached yourself from him. “I know you’re not him.”

“Okay, good.” The two of you began the short walk from the university, through a bit of town, to your apartment. Once you neared your apartment, you reluctantly placed your phone in his palm.

“When will you be back?” you asked. “I kinda need my phone back.”

“I’ll come by tomorrow, how about that?”

“Okay.”

“We can go through what you think would affect him most tomorrow. I’ll just download it all to my laptop. Since you won’t have your phone, just expect me to come over sometime between noon and one, okay? I have some actually IT work to do tomorrow morning but I’ll just have it download while I sleep tonight.”

“Alright,” you said softly. “Thanks for doing this for me.”

“I’m an internet vigilante. It’s what I do,” responded Wonwoo with a wink. “See you around, ______.”

He watched as you entered your apartment building and stayed until he saw that you were safely inside. Once you were back inside your apartment, Krystal jumped to ask questions.

“What’d they find out?” she asked.

“He’s been stalking me,” you said shakily.

“Well, are you going to report it to the police or what?” she asked, playing with her fingers.

“Actually… about that,” you began, “I’m not going to the police.”

“Are you stupid?”

“Well, Wonwoo-”

“Wonwoo, huh?”

“It’s not like that. I literally just met him.”

“Oh, really? Then why’d he walk you home? And stay until he knew you were in the building?”

“Shut up,” you replied quickly. “We’re going to give Jason a taste of his own medicine. Wonwoo’s keeping my phone for the night to download everything I had regarding Jason and to retrieve all of the old messages and stuff and then he’s gonna… well… blackmail him, I guess.”

“No way,” laughed Krystal. “You’re blackmailing the psycho? I didn’t realize you were that ballsy.”

“It wasn’t my idea,” you clarified. “Wonwoo says he’s like some internet vigilante or something and it’s similar to stuff he always does.”

“Wait, so he walked you home because?”

“He needed to take my phone but I didn’t want to go home without it. And I think he’s honestly a little afraid for me.”

“He’s nice. Kinda quiet but nice.”

“Quiet?”

“Yeah. He’s said maybe ten words total to me.”

“We spoke a lot.”

“Maybe he likes you better than me.”

“Maybe.”

“Well,” Krystal said while lightly punching your arm, “aren’t you afraid of what Wonwoo is going to find on your phone?”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” you responded. “All that matters is that Jason leaves me alone. And I don’t think he’ll care much anyway. He knows what he’s seen when he’s being a vigilante or whatever.”

“Yeah, sure,” Krystal said sarcastically. “Whatever. You know what I think you should do? Get drunk.”

“I’m not going to get drunk,” you laughed. “I think I’m just going to sleep until tomorrow morning. I don’t want to think about this.”

“It’s only noon.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with this.”

“You don’t want to deal with this stalker drama or you don’t want to deal with knowing Wonwoo will go through everything on your phone?” suggested Krystal.

“Shut up,” you said. “For real, I’m going to sleep.”

You headed to your room and decided to sleep for the rest of the day. You finally woke up around two am after hours upon hours of sleep. Krystal was still awake, and she had her boyfriend Kai over. They were talking on the couch when you came out.

“Hey, guys,” you said with a small smile. “I didn’t know you were going to be over, Kai.”

“Krystal was just telling me the rundown on your stalker,” explained Kai.

“Oh,” you mumbled. “Yeah.”

“Jason will get what’s coming to him. If not now, when he’s thirty-five and his future wife leaves him,” he laughed.

“Kai, that’s rude,” Krystal said.

“Okay and?”

Krystal moved a little closer to Kai and smiled. It made you miss the days of having a boyfriend, but you knew that missing Jason was detrimental to yourself.

“So are you really having some hacker kid go through all the stuff on your phone just to blackmail Jason? Someone you don’t know?”

“At this point, nothing is really worse than knowing Jason wasn’t leaving me alone, so yeah, I am,” you replied. “He’s gonna be over around noon, by the way.”

“I’m gonna be out,” Krystal said.

“Where?”

“I don’t know. Kai, can I come over to yours?”

“Sure, babe.”

“You just did that so Wonwoo and I would be alone!”

“Also so I won’t have to see Jason’s nudes. I know that Wonwoo will be able to dig some up.”

“Fine.”

“Well, it’s two in the morning and I’ve got to be up at six, so I’ll see you tomorrow,” Krystal said. “C’mon, Kai, we’re going to bed.”

You watched Kai and Krystal leave the room and decided to clean the small apartment. By the time you were finished, the sun was starting to rise and Krystal would be waking up soon to head to the gym for her early morning workouts. Once Krystal was awake, she made some food for the both of you.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” she reassured you. “Jason will get whatever’s coming. Don’t worry about it. And you should probably catch a few hours of sleep before Wonwoo comes over, too.”

“Okay,” you agreed. “I’ll go to sleep in a few.”

A few hours later, you were awoken with the sound of Kai attempting to make Krystal a proper breakfast. It was nine in the morning, and you rolled back over only to be bombarded by the pair running into your room with sad looking pancakes.

“Cheer up!” Krystal said. “Just because you have a psycho manipulative stalker ex-boyfriend doesn’t mean you get to act like the world is ending!”

“I think it does mean I get to act like the world is ending,” you replied.

“I tried really hard to make these,” Kai said, shoving the plate in your face. “Come out to the kitchen and eat them, please.”

“Fine,” you grumbled. You got up and followed Kai to the kitchen table. His pancakes weren’t too bad, but they definitely not good. Once you took a bite and gave them a thumbs up, Kai backed off.

“I’ve got to get to work,” he said. “See ya later, guys. I left my keys to my apartment on your nightstand if you still want to go over there when Wonwoo’s here.”

Krystal nodded and smiled at him before leaning over to give him a peck on the cheek. “Okay, be safe.”

The next few hours passed rather quickly, with Krystal running around doing random things and you eating more food than you probably should. Before you knew it, Krystal had left to Kai’s and you were alone, waiting for Wonwoo’s arrival.

Just before noon, there was a knock at the door. You opened it quickly, and there was your expected guest. He had takeout in one hand and your phone in the other.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he said shyly. “I thought it would be good to have lunch since…”

“Oh, thank you!” you replied, taking it from him. You grabbed chopsticks and you both settled down on the couch. There was a gap between the two of you and an awkward silence filled the room. Finally, Wonwoo cleared his throat.

“You know, I don’t think much different of you,” he said quietly. “Except that you’re maybe kinda dumb.”

“I’m dumb?” you questioned.

“Yeah, you’re dumb.” He chuckled softly to himself.

“Why?”

“Because you had barely started texting this guy and you told him everything about yourself. And I mean everything. I think I know you better than I know my brother, now.”

“I don’t know why I did it. I guess he made me feel important.” You sighed and bit your lip before looking up at Wonwoo. “We can see how well that turned out.”

“It’ll be fine. We’ll get him back,” Wonwoo reassured you.

“I honestly thought it was love at first sight. Or something of the sort. I just saw him and knew ‘you’re going to be important in my life.’”

“I don’t believe in love at first sight.”

“Really?” you asked.

“I think you’ve got to know them really well before you can love them,” he said. “Anyway, let’s choose what we want to get started with.”

He pulled out his laptop and opened it up to reveal a file containing every interaction you had with Jason on your phone. “Do you want to start small or start big?”

“Start big,” you said.

“Let’s start with the nudes, then,” he said. “Here’s my idea, but if you don’t like it, we won’t do it.” You nodded in response. “Okay. I have a program on here that creates a protected fake phone number. Almost like a prepaid that you can’t pinpoint. But there actually is no number that exists. It’ll just show up as unknown. I’ll begin sending him pictures he sent you or tell him his own secrets. Just to mess with his mind a little bit, and after that, we’ll tell him to stay away from girls or we’ll leak it all on the internet.”

“Will you really?”

“No, of course not. I’m not that terrible of a person.”

“Okay,” you acquiesced. “But if it gets shady at any moment, we’re stopping the whole thing.”

“Not to be rude, but it’s already shady.”

“Fine. If it get shadier.”

He nodded and began typing rapidly on his computer until he was at the program that allowed for him to send the messages. He went into the file where he had stored everything from your phone and began clicking until he got to the bad stuff: the pictures.

“Hey, Wonwoo, I have a question,” you said softly. He nodded in reply. “Did you by any chance… see any of me?”

Wonwoo began coughing and refused to make eye contact with you. His cheeks were becoming rosy, and he looked at you. “Yeah. But don’t worry about it. I’m not like that, I swear. I’ve never even had a girlfriend.”

It was your turn to be uncomfortable. “You’ve never had a girlfriend? How old are you?”

“I’m almost twenty-two…”

“Why not? You seem completely normal. If a psycho like Jason could get a girlfriend, you easily could.”

“But a psycho like your ex also goes out and talks to people. This… this is my life. I don’t talk to people unless it’s over the computer. How am I supposed to meet someone?”

“Haven’t you ever heard of online dating?”

“God, I’m not that pathetic.”

The computer pinged, and you both turned to look at it. Jason had replied.

who is this

IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’LL NEVER FIND ME ANYWAY

who tf is this i swear to god i will find you and beat your ass

YOU MIGHT BE SMART BUT I AM SMARTER.

how did you get that picture of my dick

I HAVE MORE

who is giving this to you

NO ONE OF ANY IMPORTANCE. STAY AWAY FROM ________ OR I’LL LEAK THEM

nice try

Wonwoo looked at you expectantly. “What do you want to do?”

“Keep it up. Send in more.”

image: sent

wtf

I HAVE MORE

leave me alone

NOT UNTIL YOU LEAVE _______ ALONE

who are you you’re not her she’s above this

IT ISN’T RELEVANT

ok fine but ur fucking weird

LEAVE ________ ALONE

nah bro. I gotta have fun in mexico with my fam but this conversation isnt over be back in two hours

“Now all we can do is wait,” he said.

“I don’t know why he’s so dumb. If someone was blackmailing me, I’d just stop whatever I was doing.”

“Not to be rude, but apparently you don’t have good taste in intelligent men. Or in men in general.”

“You’re kinda rude, you know that?”

“I’m more socially awkward than rude. It’s usually pretty hard for me to talk to someone like we are now.”

“Aren’t I special?”

“Yeah, actually, you kinda are.”

“Aw, you say I have shit taste in men and then tell me I’m special. My heart is melting,” you deadpanned.

“It’s true. This guy doesn’t have common sense, sends shitty dick pics, treats you like shit, and did I mention that he’s also not that much of a looker?”

“You think I don’t know that he’s a terrible, ugly, dumb person?”

“I think you’re way out of his league.”

“Oh,” you said quietly. You felt your face flush but refused to look at him. “Can we talk about anything else? You know basically everything about me; it’s my turn to know everything about you.”

In most cases, Wonwoo would’ve objected completely. This wasn’t comfortable for him, it wasn’t fun, either. But when it came to you, he was okay with it. You were open about yourself with him, so he didn’t see any reason not to be open with you. Besides, he’d practically seen you naked at this point, so he knew you couldn’t judge him.

The conversation flowed easily, the both of you talking about your family, your lives before college, the college experience, your friends, your interests, the things that made you happy, the things that made you cry. With every sentence exchanged, you felt a stronger connection to Wonwoo. This time when you felt that he was going to be important in your life, you knew that it wasn’t your brain being dumb and desperate. It was honest, and it was real.

Before the either of you realized it, the two hours were up and Jason had replied. Again, it was something stupid.

I’m not fucking dumb. I know how to hack too. I swear on my life that i will find out whoever you are. you can’t hide from me

This time Wonwoo looked genuinely concerned. He turned to you and asked, “Do you think he actually is good enough to find me?”

“Why are you asking me!” you exclaimed. “You told me we wouldn’t be caught. I swear to god, Wonwoo, if we get caught, I’m going to beat you up.”

“I know, but he seems smart enough technologically. And if he knows people…”

“The only people he knows that are into IT are the people at this school. And anybody that could help him already knows how insane he is, so I think we’re going to be fine.”

“Okay,” he said as he processed what to do next. “Also, for the record, I don’t think you could beat me up.”

“You’re a literal string bean. I probably weigh way more than you. Just because you’re tall doesn’t mean you can’t get your ass whooped.”

Wonwoo laughed. “I’m starting to really like you,” he blurted. His eyes widened as you looked up at him. “As a friend, of course.”

“Of course.” You took the laptop from hi shands and began typing a message to Jason yourself in an attempt to ease the awkwardness of the situation.

I DON’T THINK YOU’LL BE ABLE TO FIND ME, BUT YOU CAN TRY. DON’T FORGET, I HAVE MORE. I CAN AND WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU IF YOU DON’T TURN YOURSELF IN FOR MANIPULATING, ABUSING, AND STALKING _______.

“Is that really going to work?” asked Wonwoo.

“Of course not,” you laughed. “He’s got his head up his ass. But it will let him know that we’re serious, and when people make it repeatedly obvious that something really bothers them, he stops. But it takes a long time. I don’t know how long you’ll have to do it.”

“He’s such a jerk. I can’t believe you dated him.”

“I didn’t just date him. I told the boy I loved him. Even worse, I slept with him!”

“Spare me the details,” laughed Wonwoo. “What do you want to do now?”

“I think that we’ll just have to top for now. But if I were you, I’d send him one embarrassing secret or picture a day. Don’t say anything, just send it so he knows that it’s you. And then we can meet up sometime soon and actually talk and mess with him.”

“Okay,” he said. “That’ll work. I’ll text you whatever I send.”

“Please don’t,” you said. “I never want to see his nudes ever again. Or his face. Or a drunken video of him professing his love to me.”

“Okay then. I’ll text you when I send him something.”

“Much better.”

“Well, I should get going now,” Wonwoo said quietly. “I’ll see you around.”

“Thanks for this,” you said, “and the takeout.”

“My pleasure.”

As Wonwoo left the apartment, you began to wonder what this all meant. He couldn’t like you, could he? He didn’t believe in loving right away, but did that spread to liking? You waited until Krystal got home to discuss it. She was far better versed in this area and would be able to give you good advice. Krystal texted you around six saying that she was finally leaving Kai’s since Taemin would be back from vacation and that she was heading home. You were waiting for her in the living room, and the moment she walked through the door, you began blurting out everything that happened.

“Oh my god, does Jeon Wonwoo have a crush on the ______ ______?” asked Krystal.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you!” you replied.

“I think he does!” Krystal said. “Actually, I know he does. Keep up the good work, tiger.” She winked at you and walked away.

“Wait!” you called out. “What do I do?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Wonwoo’s… he’s quiet, shy. You’re going to have to take this slow.”

“Okay,” you said. “I think I am more than capable of doing that.”

The weeks went by of blink-and-you-miss-it flirting over text messages with Wonwoo. The texts were pretty mundane, but you had found yourself loving every time your phone pinged with a notification from Wonwoo. You met up once a week to message Jason together, and each time something would happen. The brush of fingertips, an arm around a shoulder, a shared laugh, thighs touching while you sat. Nothing about what the two of you had was platonic.

After a few days, Wonwoo asked you two to meet up again. This time, it was at his apartment rather than yours. Krystal and Kai were throwing a small party, and Wonwoo didn’t want to be there, so you obliged to meeting with him at his home.

Wonwoo’s apartment was vintage, beige, and filled with things you never would’ve imagined it to be. There were books everywhere, a record player, and a leather sofa that looked straight out of a fifties movie.

“So you know we’re pretty close to cracking him,” Wonwoo said. “I mean, did you see those last messages? He sounded like he was going to have an emotional breakdown.”

“Yeah,” you muttered.

“Did I do something wrong?” asked Wonwoo, noticing the hesitation in your voice and attitude.

“No, no,” you said. “I just wonder if I did.”

“What do you mean?”

“Am I any better than him by blackmailing him?”

Wonwoo was at a loss for words. He looked at you, and then back at the ground. “I honestly don’t know” was his response. He took your hands in his and gave them a gentle squeeze. “Maybe what we did was wrong, but he also did something wrong.”

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, Wonwoo,” you replied. “I feel like a terrible person. I know I hate Jason, but I also know I’m better than this.”

“Well, we can stop,” he said. “We’ll stop right now.”

Wonwoo pulled out his laptop and opened the program he had been using to communicate with Jason.

I’VE DECIDED TO LET YOU BE. WHAT I AM DOING TO YOU IS JUST AS BAD AS WHAT YOU DID TO ______.

nah its worse fuck u tho

GOODBYE

ya know idk u but u got balls. ______ is lucky to have u ik im psycho when it comes to her but i want her to have the best. I mean the best is me but u seem pretty good too

GOODBYE

You looked up shyly at Wonwoo. “So he thinks you’re my boyfriend, huh?”

“I mean, I’ve been at it for weeks. Almost two months, even,” he said.

“Wonwoo,” you said, getting up. “I think I should go.”

“Why?”

“Well, we did what we meant to do. Blackmail Jason, and now it’s over, so I should go.”

Wonwoo stood up with you. “Okay.” He walked you to the door and watched you put on your shoes before he did the unthinkable. He grabbed you by the arm, pulled you up to him, and placed his mouth on yours. It’s sweet, but it’s short lived because Wonwoo immediately pulled away to look at you.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. Instead, you just laugh, and you pull him down to you. Suddenly, your arms are around his neck and his hands are in your hair and you are feeling everything and nothing at the same time. And then you’re laughing, and he’s laughing, and you pull away to catch your breath.

“Wow,” he said. “That’s…”

“That’s what?”

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” you muttered, pulling him in for a hug. He buried his face in your hair and then lifted your chin up for one more kiss.

“Are you sure you want to go?” he asked.

“I’m sure I want to stay.”

[assbutt-of-the-readers]

Just go answer all those questions for me, k? Okay 💚

Oh my god m e l a n i e.

1: (truth) Who was your first major celebrity crush? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle and post the first five songs.

Truth- Tbh, it was Chris Pratt. I still love that he’s great

Dare- New Divide by Linkin Park,  Really Don’t Care By Demi Lovato, Castle Of Glass by Link Park, Out Of The Woods by Taylor Swift, We Are Young by F. U . N.

2: (truth) What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you in the past week? (dare) Refresh your dashboard and send an anonymous compliment to the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash.

Truth- I sat on food but tbh, that wasn’t that embarrassing 

dare- :)

5: (truth) If your parents knew everything you’ve ever done, what would they think is the worst thing? (dare) Tag the three nonmutuals you admire most.

Truth- Honestly, probably not. I dont do things they would be ashamed of. Would they think im an dumbass? Probably. 

Dare- n o 

6: (truth) What is the last thing you purchased? (dare) Tag three people you’ve thirst followed.

Truth- uh… I think it was beef jerky

Dare- I dont really thirst follow people, i usually just follow back xD 

7: (truth) How many hours did you sleep last night? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to the last person who followed you.

Truth- like 8 I think?

dare-:D

8: (truth) If you could go on a date with any of your mutuals, who would it be and what would you do? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to one of your four “Biggest Fans” on tumblr.

Truth- It would be @the-lady-wisteria bc she’s my best friend and I’d probably go to a park or something with her. 

Dare- ;D

9: (truth) How did you meet your best friend? (dare) Refresh your dashboard. Open the blog of the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash. Reblog their most recent selfie.

Truth- Through Tumblr and school!:D

Dare- they dont have any selfies :c

10: (truth) What was your favorite band five years ago? (dare) Tag a blog that posts very different content from yours, but that you couldn’t imagine not following.

Truth- Theory Of A Dead Man!

Dare- @coltsandquills

11: (truth) Where did you get each article of clothing you’re wearing right now? (dare) Pick up the closest book to you. Turn to page 39 and copy down line 7.

Truth- Walmart lmao

Dare- “Oh wouldn’t that be the icing on the cake.” 

12: (truth) What are your five favorite girls’ names and five favorite boys’ names? (dare) Copy and paste the 14th line of text from the last document you worked on in Word or Google Drive.

Truth- Girls are Raven, Lillyana, Mia, Emma, and Sofia! Guys are Christian, Nicholas, Noah, William, and Alexander.

Dare-The sun shines bright throughout the ego house.

13: (truth) What’s your most irrational fear? (dare) Tag five mutuals who take amazing selfies.

Truth- Little spiders tbh

Dare- I cannot for most of mine do not take selfies and I’ve already tagged the ones who do :c

14: (truth) If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life (consisting of clothes you already own), what would it be? (dare) Tag someone you follow who has amazing fashion sense.

Truth- This beige sweater I have and a pair of jeans with some black boots I have!

Dare- i cannot do that for I am a but a scared chicken

15: (truth) If you could rock any unusual article of clothing/makeup technique/hairstyle, what would it be? (dare) Go to the blog of the last person you reblogged a text post from. Reblog your favorite of their selfies.

Truth- Probably yellow eye shadow or lipstick! I’ve always thought those were pretty but I’d look like trash wearing them haha

Dare- :D

16: (truth) What is your dream job? (dare) Post the four most recent pictures in your camera roll.

Truth- To be a school counselor! 

Dare- ha h ah a  n o 

17: (truth) Where is the last place you went that took over two hours to get to? (dare) Post screenshots of your phone’s lock screen and home screen.

Truth- Indianapolis for Comic Con, I think!

Dare- Nah

18: (truth) How old were you when you had your first kiss? If you haven’t had it yet, how old do you want to be? (dare) Go to the last app/tab you opened. Post a screenshot.

Truth- Never -dabs-

Dare- Imma passsss

19: (truth) What is the first thing you remember having to keep secret? (dare) Tag five bloggers who you associate with being obsessed with something particular, and list what each of them is obsessed with.

Truth- My best friend being bi!

Dare- I am too chicken for this

20: (truth) What does your bedroom look like? (dare) Take one selfie and post it. You only get one shot! (No old selfies or retrying, even if you think you look bad)

Truth- Messy af

Dare- n o p e  i   l o o k   l i k  e  t r a s h

21: (truth) What three fictional characters would you most like to meet? (dare) Write your name down on a piece of paper and draw a quick picture of yourself. Take a photo of it and post it.

Truth- Hmm… Max Ride from Maximum Ride series, Emma Swan from Once Upon A Time, and Charlie from Supernatural!

Dare- nah

22: (truth) What are three things you’re looking forward to? (dare) Tag the last three people you reblogged posts from, and estimate how many followers they have.

Truth- Christmas, Show Choir season, and seeing you at PAX nerd.

Dare- ha no

24: (truth) If you could only own five material objects (not counting life necessities like food/water/a house/etc) what would they be? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle. Post what the first three songs are, and for each one, tag a blog that the song reminds you of.

Truth- My laptop, this necklace I have, two books, and my phone

Dare- High way to Hell by AC/DC which reminds me of @the-lady-wisteria, Mad Hatter by Melanie Martiez reminds me of @ill-spink, Another One Bites The Dust by Queen reminds me @dreamsoffallingstars

25: (truth) What is the last thing you lied about? (dare) Tag three people you want to know better and ask them each three questions about themselves.

Truth-I actually can’t remember 

26: (truth) What’s the last movie you watched? (dare) Reblog the most recent of your own selfies posted on tumblr, and in the tags say two things you like about your appearance in it?

Truth- It was a Harry Potter movie!

Dare-I dont have selfies lmaoooo

27: (truth) What are three things you like about yourself unrelated to your appearance? (dare) Post a picture from your camera roll that you’ve been meaning to post on tumblr.

Truth- I’m pretty patient, I try to always be nice, and I’m pretty friendly!

Dare- Nooooo

28: (truth) How do you take your coffee? (dare) Post the last picture you posted on a social media platform other than tumblr.

Truth- I don’t drink coffee!

Dare- nah

29: (truth) What are your worst habits? (dare) Put your Top 25 Most Played songs on shuffle and list the first five.

Truth- I rip my nail end off and I really shouldn’t 

Dare-Tears Don’t Fall by  Bullet For My Valentine, Emperors New Clothes by Panic! At The Disco, Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson, Bad Company by Five Finger Death Punch, and I’m Not An Angel by Halestorm.

30: (truth) What is the last thing you did that you have to keep secret from someone? Who do you have to keep it secret from? (dare) Tag five blogs with great URLs.

Truth-Buy Christmas presents and just my family and friends

Dare- @staticandglitches, @lum1natrix, @purrtlepuff, @a-sad-bag-of-potatoes, @cinnamon-grump

[suteshiro]

1-30 truths and 1-30 dares. ;3c

I don’t think that’s how that ask meme was supposed to work kfjvskjfv

1: (truth) Who was your first major celebrity crush? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle and post the first five songs.

Truth: Uuuh I don’t think I’ve had any celebrity crushes really?? And if I have I don’t believe I could tell you who the first one was

Dare:

-Our lady of the underground (Hadestown)

-Take me to church (Hozier)

-You spin me round (Like a record) (Ninja Sex Party cover)

-Miss Jackson (Panic! at the disco)

-Looking like this (Lyre Le Temps)

2: (truth) What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you in the past week? (dare) Refresh your dashboard and send an anonymous compliment to the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash.

Truth: I don’t have that much memory, pal

Dare: done!

3: (truth) What are your three favorite things about your appearance? (dare) List all nine of your tumblr crushes, and describe each blog/blogger in one word.

Truth: uuuh,,,

I think my hair looks really nice when I am able to care for it,, I also like my eyes. They’re nice. I’m very Fuzzy I like that too

Dare: I’ll be honest I looked at my tumblr crush list and didn’t recognize many of them so uuh nah

4: (truth) What is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you? (dare) Post the oldest selfie on your camera roll.

Truth: @gaysaiyaman called me “a literal fairy of a person” once

Dare: I’m not on mobile so nah

5: (truth) If your parents knew everything you’ve ever done, what would they think is the worst thing? (dare) Tag the three nonmutuals you admire most.

Truth: I don’t wanna think about that,,

Dare: uuuh @biteghostblogs @tiarasnteakettles I can’t think of anyone else..

6: (truth) What is the last thing you purchased? (dare) Tag three people you’ve thirst followed.

Truth: Really nice pens!!!! I love them!!!!!!!

Dare: I’ve never thirst followed anyone skjvnskvf

7: (truth) How many hours did you sleep last night? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to the last person who followed you.

Truth: Like 6?

Dare: done

8: (truth) If you could go on a date with any of your mutuals, who would it be and what would you do? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to one of your four “Biggest Fans” on tumblr.

Truth: I don’t wanna answer that

Dare: done

9: (truth) How did you meet your best friend? (dare) Refresh your dashboard. Open the blog of the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash. Reblog their most recent selfie.

Truth: @feycreature messaged me bc I’d reblogged pictures of his ocs and he was like “oh wow”

Dare: she doesn’t have a selfie tag so f

10: (truth) What was your favorite band five years ago? (dare) Tag a blog that posts very different content from yours, but that you couldn’t imagine not following.

Truth: Bold of you to assume I know who I was five years ago?? Let’s say Evanescence

Dare: @araeph

11: (truth) Where did you get each article of clothing you’re wearing right now? (dare) Pick up the closest book to you. Turn to page 39 and copy down line 7.

Truth: Literally all of them were gifts

Dare: “I must don my floppy ears and become their queen again”

12: (truth) What are your five favorite girls’ names and five favorite boys’ names? (dare) Copy and paste the 14th line of text from the last document you worked on in Word or Google Drive.

Truth: Aurora, Lucina, Minerva, María, Magnolia - Dante, Apollo, Ariel, Sirius, Cygnus

Dare: “Does he know what he did?”

13: (truth) What’s your most irrational fear? (dare) Tag five mutuals who take amazing selfies.

Truth: I don’t feel like saying

Dare: only one that comes to mind is @masayoshihazama. very nice selfies

14: (truth) If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life (consisting of clothes you already own), what would it be? (dare) Tag someone you follow who has amazing fashion sense.

Truth: dress pants. guns ‘n roses tshirt. plaid shirt on top. black shoes. hell ya

Dare: @zuramaru has rlly nice taste

15: (truth) If you could rock any unusual article of clothing/makeup technique/hairstyle, what would it be? (dare) Go to the blog of the last person you reblogged a text post from. Reblog your favorite of their selfies.

Truth: lots of lacy stuff,,,,,, those shirts that are almost transparent except for beautiful patterns that seem to just be hugging the skin,,,, really sexy

Dare: nah

16: (truth) What is your dream job? (dare) Post the four most recent pictures in your camera roll.

Truth: Writer,

Dare: Not on my phone

17: (truth) Where is the last place you went that took over two hours to get to? (dare) Post screenshots of your phone’s lock screen and home screen.

Truth: my familys place,,,,,, terrible

Dare:

im maybe a little in love

18: (truth) How old were you when you had your first kiss? If you haven’t had it yet, how old do you want to be? (dare) Go to the last app/tab you opened. Post a screenshot.

Truth: i haven’t yet, and uuuh. part of me wants to be kissed Right Now, part of me isnt particularly interested

Dare: 

Pressed enter a bunch until everything looked blank bc thats Spoilery Writing but ya i was writing a thing for a character

19: (truth) What is the first thing you remember having to keep secret? (dare) Tag five bloggers who you associate with being obsessed with something particular, and list what each of them is obsessed with.

Truth: I don’t remember Shit

Dare: @gaysaiyaman keeps putting 10 posts in a row in my dash of whatever the interest of the Moment is and @the-carmevore and i are Same Hyperfixation mood with a campaign we’re in

20: (truth) What does your bedroom look like? (dare) Take one selfie and post it. You only get one shot! (No old selfies or retrying, even if you think you look bad)

Truth: It’s a bit messy ngl,, 

Dare: Nah

21: (truth) What three fictional characters would you most like to meet? (dare) Write your name down on a piece of paper and draw a quick picture of yourself. Take a photo of it and post it.

Truth: all I can think about rn is my oc Ruby

Dare: Not feeling up to anything with pictures bc that implies phone usage

22: (truth) What are three things you’re looking forward to? (dare) Tag the last three people you reblogged posts from, and estimate how many followers they have.

Truth: I’m not feeling really like looking forward to anything rn,, got really depressed all of a sudden

Dare: nah

23: (truth) What are your three biggest turn ons, and your three biggest turn offs? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle. Without actually listening to it, write the lyrics to the chorus of the first song.

Truth: I don’t feel like giving too much information to unsuspecting people but like if ur curious and wanna dm me or ask privately im not a secretive person

Dare: “Freeze your brain / Swim in the ice, get lost in the pain / Happiness comes when everything numbs / Who needs cocaine? / Freeze your brain”

24: (truth) If you could only own five material objects (not counting life necessities like food/water/a house/etc) what would they be? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle. Post what the first three songs are, and for each one, tag a blog that the song reminds you of.

Truth: Computer, phone, im gonna put stationery all in one category, controller, ps4

Dare: Nah

25: (truth) What is the last thing you lied about? (dare) Tag three people you want to know better and ask them each three questions about themselves.

Truth: I don’t wanna talk about that!

Dare: nah

26: (truth) What’s the last movie you watched? (dare) Reblog the most recent of your own selfies posted on tumblr, and in the tags say two things you like about your appearance in it?

Truth: I watched like 40 minutes of The Godfather. before that I think I watched Inside Out

Dare: nah

27: (truth) What are three things you like about yourself unrelated to your appearance? (dare) Post a picture from your camera roll that you’ve been meaning to post on tumblr.

Truth: I like that I actively try to be nice,,, I like my voice,,, I uh. like that ive kept myself alive?

Dare: see above in relation to Camera Roll im a lazy bastard

28: (truth) How do you take your coffee? (dare) Post the last picture you posted on a social media platform other than tumblr.

Truth: probably cold, definitely sweetened to death, but i never take coffee by itself honestly

Dare: nah

29: (truth) What are your worst habits? (dare) Put your Top 25 Most Played songs on shuffle and list the first five.

Truth: not a habit by itself but rather my inability to form positive habits and try to take control of my life and do the things i wanna do,, ya

30: (truth) What is the last thing you did that you have to keep secret from someone? Who do you have to keep it secret from? (dare) Tag five blogs with great URLs.

Truth: I’m keeping a Bunch of secrets bc dnd. mostly from @the-carmevore bc Sovereign Stars,, Control

Dare: @vampfucker666 @masayoshihazama @feycreature uuuuh ill leave that there

[sodrippy]

than q to @thomasflint​ for tagging me in this i love these things so much tbh!

1. Three things you always carry with you when you leave the house? pwk right, except i will often just take my licence/debit card only and phone n keys lmao  2. Living alone or living with someone? i live w my parents mate whos got the $$$ to live alone  3. If there was one show/book/movie you’d happily watch for the rest of your life what would it be? god so many, i feel like with any show i watch i could watch forever, probably something like brooklyn nine nine, or tbh even though i havent seen it, something like black sails, bc i reckon the possibilities there are really open, like pirate arcs are hectic but also just softe arcs where those two main dudes live on a farm now and raise chickens or something is also hectic. bookwise, i could read books on books of the six of crows series, the characters and writing are phenomenal! that or maybe asoiaf bc that world is HUGE and id never tire of learning more about it 4. What are your thoughts about Pluto? Is it a planet? you come into my house,, and insult me like this?? of course pluto is a planet what a question 5. If you could visit one person right now, who would it be? not to be a jackass but i dont have anyone anywhere to visit, i kind of just want to hang out with those high school dudes i was playing risk with last week they r super fun. or i’d visit my aunt and cousin in canada and meet my nephew bc hes adorable  6. Are you always early/on time/late? if you answer ‘late’, WHY????? im almost always early bc i have Big Anxiety about being late, but the few times i am late, its bc i have an adhd related time blackout and just...dont notice time passing until its 10 mins after i was supposed to leave lmao 7. Your first ever tumblr friend and do you still talk to them? i..cant remember who my first tumblr friend was, but the person i remember knowing the longest is @bisexualharry whom ive known for (holy shit) 4 years or so?? and yes we still keep in touch! 8. Puns; yay or nay? dude i kid you not i live for puns i think in puns my instagram captions are 99% puns. i would die for puns 9. “This person changed my life” - who was the first person who came to mind? first person i thought of was @yiiiiiiikes bc first off shes an incredible person so jot that down, but besides her beautiful soul (no jesse mccartney reference intended) shes the one who told me about the creative arts college i went to, and encouraged me to follow that, and without her id never have ended up here right now, with a cool job and a reason to wake up every morning lmao 10. Best memory from school? probably cheating to say ‘80% of my senior years’ so ill say my ancient history class, it was literally 7 people, and me and my two mates had THE most fun every single lesson 11. Do you ever wish to delete yourself off social media? (facebook, tumblr, instagram, twitter etc) not so much fb or insta, but i think about deleting this godforsaken blog all the time, but i need it to fill the void + it was there for me to yell at and rant at when i was having a shitty time, and i have great mutuals whom i love but never speak to

[thepolyesterprince-blog]

5 THINGS REPOST. DON’T REBLOG.

5 things you’ll find in my (school)bag

i don’t have a school bag bc i was homeschooled and haven’t started college yet oops so you get things that are in my purse bc close enough

hand lotion

C R U M P L E D R E C I E P T S

my phone

chaptick/something lipstick esque if not lipstick

well its a purse so like..... money (not very much of it lol b u t u kno)

5 things in my bedroom

a trash can that needs taken out, probably

a million clocks why do i have so many i feel like im becoming doc brown

a gazillion papers and pens and notebooks im obsessed w office supplies

?? blankets ??

FOUR BOOKSHELVES FULL OF BOOKS most of which i’ve read

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

act in s o m e t h i n g cool beans

release an album or ep w a band !!

publish a book

have a couple successful youtube channels i have ideas for

be in a long term queerplatonic relationship

5 things that make me happy

MY FRIENDS (Read: y o u)

MY MUSES  & WRITING (and just creating tbh)

my KITTIES

SELF EXPRESSION (themeing blogs, putting together outfits, writing lyrics, designing crap idk man just makin stuff thats Me)

M  U  S  I  C

5 things that I’m currently into

trying to get my life together (me @ me good luck lol)

me /singing to the tune of the theme/ WKRP IN CINCINNATIIIIIIII

marina & the diamonds & very weirdly obscure indie rock lol

TYPOLOGY ! ! ! !

LOWKEY MUSICALS BC ALL MY FRIENDS ARE SUDDENLY SENDING ME BOOTLEGS OF THEM AND IM DOWNLOADIN THEM TO WATCH AS I HAVE TIME.....

5 things on my to-do list

m e    @    m e    d o   u r   f r i c k e n   d r a f t s   m y   g o s h   ,

revamp my bullet journal for march bc i kinda slughed off on it in feburary

finish the stuff i need to heckin finish to take college entrance exams and fricken apply bc the registration date is late this year i have six months left rip me @ myself get it the heck together omg

learn to play or write and play a song a month on guitar 

FINISH ONE OF MY MULTICHAPTER FICS OR WORK ON ONE OF MY NOVELS JUST WRITE SMTH I COULD PUBLISH SOMEDAY LOL

5 things you may not know about me

i play guitar and ukulele and a teeeeeensy bit o piano (dont look i taught myself and have the wrong form and use the wrong fingers its a mess) (well same for guitar and uke too who am i kidding LOL) I ALSO SING.... P GOOD IF I SAY SO MYSELF IDK i need to have lessons bc i dont know what the hey im doin but st ill,

IM S  U  P  E  R  into typology like super. into it. i will talk to u about it for days and weeks and months and years if u let me (so dont ever talk to me abt it bc i wont  e v e r  shut up omg) and i even have a blog abt it here (the queue ran out and i need to fill it again rip but IM HOPIN TO DO THAT TOMORROW ACTUALLY LOL IF UR INTERESTED IN FOLLOWING, ANYONE.....)

i also have a fandom blog abt the show herb here is from !!! here (and its been quite active so far. so far so good. XD)

careers i considered for a hot minute in the past include therapist, set designer, freelance typologist, social media manager, and foley enigneer. all of them would probably end up being something i hated after i actually dedicated my life to it XD

i have type 2b-3a curls depending on the weather and how much they hate me that day and use the curly girl method (well a variation of it) on my hair. regardless of everything i’ve ever done its still always frizzy bc thas my natural hair type- loose wave curls with random rly tight curls that are always frizzy and dont do anything i want. i console myself by telling myself it looks a lil but like lorde’s hair and ppl like her............

tagged by: UMM WHO DO U THINK, MY GAL @piper-aileen-lenox tagging: @annastrxng @innocentmanwithabounty @88-m-p-h @abouttiime WHOEVER WANTS TO DO IT SAY I TAGGED U BC I WANNA READ WHAT U SAY BUT I SUCK AT TAGGIN PPL REST IN REECES PIECES

[1000-rat-corpses]

here's a little behind the scenes on my toreba addiction in the form of a little baring the ugly, and a little bit of '2020 the year of the pandemic in review' loool

i post my wins on toreba in those big ol walls of shit, right

WELLLL, it aint all sunshine and rainbows...

first the depressing part.

you should SEE the level of fails i go through to get to the point where i can post those compilations. just now i spent what would have been like... 42 dollars of points (23 plays) and didn't win the fucking thing, bailed bc i wasnt sure what to do and had like idk 2 plays left of points, then someone fixed the prize's position in one shot, passed it to another person, and that person won it in 2 plays. i was right behind the winner bc i had requeued hoping my two plays could do it.

the kicker is that if i hadn't fucked it up in the beginning part by bringing it just like idk a half inch too far right, it could have been won in 5-6 plays.

5-6 versus 23, and no win. lol that shit does get to you, bc tho it's not real money im spending it's a lot of time and effort goes into earning free points so the sting is sharp and biting, and it sits on you for the rest of the day, and sometimes days after bc you no longer have that stash of points you were working for and stockpiling for so long.

i earned a lot of points for my brother's account by doing some shitty mobile game offer. i won about 3 things with something like 240 dollars of points bc i was impatient, and he wanted this goku figure. i really wanted to win it for him bc like, thats a nice thing to do right? im winning all these other things for myself so surely i can get him the one thing he really wants (ftr i have won him like at least 6 things he likes/wanted so there is that) butttttt i stupidly got all sunk cost fallacy on that machine. i won the goku with my VERY last available play. in total costing me something like 100+ dollars of points. i whaled on a miku figure i already won 3 of bc i got baited on a machine that looked 'good', and spent 90 in points on her. i whaled on a similar machine for a shitty ugly looking edward elric figure: 74 dollars worth. 72 on some stupid pocaccho plush. and these are just a few.

my worst offense was a 3am depression whale. 125k tp (125 dollars worth) gone down the drain for this lil dude. and i did not win him. ever.

because i love persona 3. and i had won THREE of the persona 4 version of this, but minato who i like way more eluded me....and the night before i passed off a one shot win to another person thinking it wasn't good. LOL. the machine i played on was total ass, and my skill wasn't up to par i guess bc it got close so many times only to be reset. i kept whaling until i reset it for the millionth time and decided to let go bc there was no progress. my friends in discord were like bro you gotta let go but even tho you've got people telling you to stop sometimes it's really really hard. the hatred i had for myself for that stupid ass whale session for probably like a week was *chef's kiss* IMMACULATE. for the record, i could have just bought him for like, 23 dollars including shipping from a website doing preorders. OR i could have just sold one of my p4 spares to make money to buy him. but no it was like, you gotta win it. i would have been 100% satisfied if i had just won him after 125k tp spent. at least i told myself that. honestly i think i would have.

now here's the sappy part.

probably what is surprising to most people is that the social aspect of this game is phenomenally rewarding. i've made sooo many new friends during quarantine. we've had so much fun across all types of media even outside of getting in voice to help each other win prizes or just give someone company while they whale a bunch of free points (these are fun nights!!). we also host movie streams together, play games together, fuck around with the mudae bot with waifu gacha and waifu wars, bitch about low ball offers on mercari lol, and try to console and help each other out in our channel called 'gamblers hotline' lol. we've seen the rise and fall of the main, singular toreba discord at the time and witnessed it get nuked for no reason bc the owner hd a meltdown lol, then watched our tiny group refrom TWICE until we got it right, then watched on the side eatin popcorn while two new 'main' discords began to fight for dominance.

we change our nicknames in discord on the fly bc it's fucking funny, and to hold ourselves accountable. I was [Punished Lycoris] after that 125k p3 whale and fail, and for a while stuff like [Lyco - FREE PLAY ONLY DAY 3] to show we're keeping our responsible streak up XD

this all sounds pretty insane i guess bc 'gambling addict found family' doesn't really sound too...normal LOL. but i can't imagine what my 2020 would have been without them. it's kinda sappy i guess. it's nice to make friends you can talk to until 3am night after night with actual voices when the pandemic had you feeling some type of way.

the days of tons of points we had back in the fall-winter of 2020 is pretty much over though - the nature of our free point offers has kinda changed so we dont hold those fun night time streams of others playing, but we're hanging in there i guess.

sooo yeeah. i could write so much more, but ill stop there lol

this is what us fucked up addicts go through lmfao

[jess-oh]

Reflection

i kinda got this off my chest already to jeanne but im really afraid that im going to start my internship and end up hating working in the industry. there are so many things that are out of my hands right now and i dont know if what im doing is right. i went to the vbs bbq today and it was really fun and im glad i get to meet so many new kids and adults and have nice conversations with them but honestly, i realized that i never really prayed about serving with VBS. for a while, it’s just been a matter of if i get the internship then i’ll stay and volunteer and if i dont get the internship, then i’ll go home for the break and rest. and bc there were so many newcomers, i felt a responsibility to be there for them and a lot has been happening over the summer that i would’ve missed out on had i gone home so i am glad that im here to experience it all. but i think i need to rest in the Lord. I have been resting since I finished school but by drowning myself in media and distracting myself from the real world instead of taking the time to just really meditate and get back on track with God. I’m not complacent and I’m definitely still growing. And yeah, the whole financial situation sucked with my dad but i kinda had a feeling that his layoff wouldnt last long and i knew that i had the opportunity to go home for the break and rest. but i was afraid. i was so afraid of going back to sa-rang. to a place where i dont feel at home. to a place where i feel like a social outcast. i am so afraid of that and thats why i decided to stay and was so eager to jump at any chance i could to find an excuse to stay here in chicago. and thank God for sending me a paid internship but it honeslty almost feels like a test and i dont want to back out bc ive already made commitments to so many people but i ultimately just really want to rest. really. not having to worry about anything and to just be at home with my family, friends, and loved ones. just to be in their presence again would be so nice. i’ve been hanging out a lot more with my d&d friends recently and im glad but it is difficult not talking about God with them. He’s such an integral part of my life. I do think I struggle to some extent to hangout casually with the freshmen bc i want to be a good upperclassman for them but that doesnt mean im not still growing too. i am. idk. im just really worried about a lot of different things and think i should pray to God about it all. I have been relying more so on what’s practical and logical instead of praying about it and seeing where God is leading me. And I do think He’s leading me to go back home. But at what cost? Of feeling ostracized at Sa-Rang again? To have to admit that I’m searching for another church to be my own person and bc my parents are both so involved and i feel like i can never speak ill of them? I want to be around more people like me but people in the OC honestly have it so easy. They have no idea. And it’s really hard for me to relate to them. Josh Hwang has been trying so hard to bring up California to me in whatever situation possible. Not everyone needs to know how we first met. It’s an old story and I’m tired of hearing it. Why can’t you just focus on the now and let it die? It can be a fun fact but I don’t want Sa-Rang to define who I am. It was nice at first for common ground but now it’s annoying and I’m afraid of going back. Of course I miss my family and friends but I’m afraid that our dynamic will have changed and we’ll go back to arguing or maybe I’ll fall back in love with it and be miserable in Chicago again. I want to be independent and be my own person and march at my own pace. And I’m afraid that I can’t do that there. I want to learn to drive so that I stop burdening people out here and can fend for myself. But I also don’t know who would understand my situation. I have tried for so long to fit in at Sa-Rang and I never really clicked with them. And it’s partly their fault but my own as well and that’s something I need to work on. I was just never really a part of the culture. I was very aware that the adults were gossiping today and it just frustrated me. I don’t want to speak so mindlessly of other people when there are so many other things we could be discussing. Even as common ground, I regret it. Mutual friends are nice but I used them as an excuse to get closer to people instead of finding other means. I’m not even that close to these mutual friends yet spoke of them as if I am. I’m afraid that my demons and fears from Sa-Rang have and/or will follow me to Lakeview and I am so afraid of that. I’m honestly so scared whenever I see someone I think I know bc I don’t want to be defined by who I was there. I want to be defined by who I am now and who I’m trying to be. I’ve grown a lot and I do think I’ve been avoiding really processing and reflecting on this past year to some extent but I think it’s necessary. So much happened and I want to get my affairs in order so that I can share to my friends and family back home and be genuine about it. 

and bc i always tried so hard to fit in and never quite did, i am constantly questioning why people are friends with me at all there. judy, jennifer, grace...

i always think they’re just pitying me and feel bad for me and are reaching out as a result but i dont want to be friends with them bc they feel bad for me. i want to be friends with them bc they see and appreciate me for me and who i am. for the words of advice that i give and my passion and enthusiasm and strong work ethic and personality. not bc i dont fit in. and i dont know if this is actually true or not but i do think there is a part of them that started reaching out to me bc they feel bad for me. i remember i was so surprised when jennifer thought i was so soft spoken bc i think im pretty loud and bold. i dont think im softspoken at all but bc thats who i was in jr high, thats who ive continued to carry.

i have work tomorrow and im worried that i wont wake up in time. i start my internship on tuesday and im afraid that i’ll hate it. i told everyone today that im doing pretty well in terms of where im at in my life and practically speaking, i am in a good place. but i am so scared. of everything. of so many different things. and i need God to provide me with wisdom and security and I just need to trust in Him bc i’m freaking out on my own.

i love God. For sure. Through and through. I am nothing without Him and He has helped me so many times. He is my everything. He is my all. And I really cannot do anything without Him. I don’t trust my own judgment without Him in the picture. I’ve been so eager to rush into these various things as an excuse to not go back to Cali. But I don’t want me only reason for leaving Sa-Rang be bc I don’t “fit in.” Because I do think it’s a spiritually wealthy place and a place where I could really grow. I think it’s just a matter of being true to my identity in Christ and just being so confident in that. Not caring if I don’t fit in. Not caring if my reputation is ruined bc I reached out to someone that isn’t “cool.” But to just serve there bc that’s where God has led me to go. To be. To serve. I don’t think God is leading me to a church outside of Sa-Rang. I think He does want me to invest there. It’s just my own fears that are driving me away. 

I was just talking to Grace An and if I really reflect on the past, I definitely do think a part of me is still bitter. I’ve been hurt so badly so many times at Sa-Rang and as a result, there’s a huge lack of trust there. I have opened myself up to them so many times and I feel like bc I wasn’t “cool” or didn’t “fit in,” it was always just brushed off or ignored. I know that fitting in isn’t the goal but it definitely feels like a lack of community. And I don’t want to pin the blame on anyone but I’ve definitely felt pressure from P. Josh and Jenny to stay in Chicago over the summer. It’s way more practical and makes sense. But I don’t think I can. I think I need to go home. And I hate being a flake. I hate not going through with my promises. But I think it might be better for me to go home and face my fears. And I am still afraid. For sure. There’s no way I’m not. And I think this is something that I need to wrestle with and hopefully the answer will become clearer and clearer as this week progresses. But for now, I do feel better after writing this all out and chatting with some friends. Thank you.

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE