#ill stop posting about them soon but i continue to get i n s p i r e d

[midnighthangintree]

Ariel and Eric as songs from my Ariel x Eric playlist template - inspo

[mummybear]

Daddy’s Dirty Little Secret

Words: 4,002

Warnings: Daddy Kink, Swearing, Cheating, Smut, Oral Sex (Female Receiving), Lots Of Dirty Talk, Secret Sex, Slight Choking, Possessive Jensen, Size Kink. (Think that’s it!)

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Nanny(Babysitter)Reader

Summary: One night it’s extremely and unseasonably cold and you’re trying to fight it off, when you get a surprise visitor.

A/N: So I know it’s been a while since my last post guys, sorry! Hope this one is worth the wait though! It went from a drabble to a one shot, and almost to a mini series but I stopped myself haha :P Enjoy! 

Today had also been an unusually difficult day, with two of the three kids being ill, even then though they were still completely adorable. You love your job, being a live in nanny is like nothing else, there was just something so rewarding about it. It of course helps that the children that you look after are so good, at least most of the time. Spending all day with them and most of the evening for well over three years now, you had grown extremely close to them, in fact you’d grown close to the entire family. 

Even if you did have some kind of an intense crush on their father, you’d managed to keep it hidden surprisingly well considering. That man was just goddamn ridiculous in your own defence, he was damn near perfect, and you wanted more than anything to find something wrong with him that you could focus on, but nope, not a thing, not one thing in three freaking years.

You pull your duvet up higher around your shoulders, yet again distracted by the cold. It was unseasonably cold for this time of year, and it didn’t seem to matter how hard you tried, you were still freezing cold. Your oversized t-shirt barely reaches your mid thighs, and you really wish that the rest of your pyjamas weren’t still in the wash. You want to get out of bed and wrap your fluffy robe around yourself beneath the duvet, but you can’t bring yourself to get out of bed to get it. 

You’re so tired that you eventually feel yourself starting to drift off, but before you manage it completely you hear your door clicking closed and being locked as someone stumbles inside. You rationalise that it must be one of the kids out of bed, you feel the covers lift and you shiver at the cold breeze which sneaks beneath the duvet with the body. But before you can turn and tell the little one you’ll take them back to bed, you stiffen in surprise. Feeling a strong pair of warm arms wrap around your waist before you're pulled back into a solid warm chest. 

There’s only one person it could possibly be, but that doesn't make any sense, he’d never done anything like this before, maybe he’d gotten into the wrong bed by accident? He had been out drinking. 

You have to sink your teeth into your bottom lip when his warm calloused hands slip beneath your long t-shirt, one hand moves under your body, pulling you back impossibly closer, before the same hand curls around your hip. His free hand continues up your body, moving slowly over the dip in your waist and over your ribs. 

You’re breathing hard, your heart thudding in your chest. You know you need to say something, but he feels so damn good, and the arousal is already pooling in your panties.

“Mmm, fuck you feel so good, baby girl. So soft,” he groans under his breath as he nuzzles against your neck, breath warm against your skin. You can smell the alcohol now, which confirms your suspicions. 

“J-Jensen? I...uh, oh, fuck…” you whimper, feeling his big warm hand cup and squeeze your breast.

“I think you might be in the wrong bed.” 

Jensen chuckles against your skin as he drags his teeth over your earlobe.

“But you’re so cold, don’t you want daddy to warm you up?” he purrs, pressing kisses against your neck and along your shoulders.

Your head is spinning, and you would swear you were dreaming if his skin wasn’t so warm against yours. God you know it’s wrong, and it’s fucked up, but you don’t want him to go.

“B-But, Jensen, you’re drunk… what about if you wake up in the morning and regret being in here with me?” 

“Aww, isn’t that sweet. You worried about takin’ advantage of me, princess?” he asks, and you can hear the humour lacing his tone as he moves his hand slightly, and gently pinches your nipple between his thumb and forefinger. You arch into his touch and press your ass back into the impressive bulge in his pants. 

Jensen’s fingers flex around your hip and tighten slightly, drawing you back against him tighter. 

“I think that all depends on just how drunk you are,” you breathe out shakily, as his stubble grazes your neck and he chuckles quietly.

“Don’t you worry, baby girl. I know exactly what I’m doing, I was just too chicken shit to do it before. The drink was already arranged, so I had to go, but I couldn’t stop thinking about last night, those pretty little noises I heard you makin’,” he groans deeply, dragging his teeth over the patch of skin just below your ear, and it makes your belly flip in anticipation, but at the same time you’re worried about just how much he’d heard.

You swallow thickly, before pulling out of his hold and turning over to face him with wide eyes. 

“Exactly how much did you hear?” you ask nervously, but coming face to him is harder than you’d first realised. God he looks so good, and you find yourself getting distracted, even by the little that you can see that isn’t hidden.

His hair is a complete sexy mess on top of his head, his eyes are a much darker green than you’ve ever seen them, and his lips look just a little more swollen and plump, just begging you to bite them. He’s shirtless, that much you could tell as soon as he’d climbed into your bed, but his boxers are still on. You are extremely aware of the fact that you're staring, and becoming more distracted by the second, when Jensen’s deep chuckle pulls you out of your thoughts.

Jensen bites his lip, clearly trying and failing to bite back a smirk. 

“Like what you see I take it?” he chuckles, looking like a deadly combination between sexy and cocky, and then you feel his hand smoothing up your leg slowly, his thumb pressing in harder against your inner thigh as he moves, and your breath hitches in your throat.

“S-Shut up… A-And answer the question,” you stutter, regretting what you had said instantly and sounding way more nervous that you’d planned to. His eyes narrow, as he looks at you and you swallow thickly, rolling onto your back to try and create a little distance between the two of you, but he only gets closer and you notice the tick in his jaw.

“You wanna repeat that?” he all but growls, and you quickly shake your head. 

“N-No, Daddy. I’m sorry,” you whisper as innocently as you can manage. Trying to go along with what he had said earlier, and going by the deep groan that it pulls from his lips, you’d judged the situation correctly.

“Mmm, such a good girl, you do learn fast, I’m impressed. But since you wanna know so bad, I heard everything, sweetheart. Every perfect little moan, and every single time you begged for my cock. I especially loved hearing you say that you wanted to be my perfect little slut. That still true, baby girl? You still want that?” he asks rasps, tracing your bottom lip with his thumb, just as his hand stops between your legs and his fingers brush over the damp patch in your panties.

“F-Fuck… Jensen. We shouldn’t be doing this,” you whimper loudly, feeling his fingers press against your clothed pussy with a little more pressure. 

“You let me worry about that, baby girl. Answer the question, say it, come on,” he demands softly, moving his fingers up and down your clothed slit slowly, pausing as he eyes lock with yours, and he starts circling your throbbing clit.

You take a deep breath before nodding, but he cocks his eyebrow questioningly at you, as if he needs to hear you say it. So decide to risk your voice barely coming out.

“Fuck… Yes, I still want it. I uh, I still wanna be your dirty little slut,” you whisper hotly against his lips, swallowing thickly when Jensen smirks at you in that way that only he can, and you swear all the air has been stolen from your lungs.

You shuffle up the bed, and he follows as you rest your back against the pillows. His plump parted lips are only a breath away, and you can’t take it anymore. You close the distance between the two of you, wrapping your arms around his neck and your lips crash against his, in a needy and heated kiss. Jensen growls against your lips and wraps a fist in the back of your hair in an attempt to pull you closer as he eagerly responds, your scalp stings slightly at the tug, but you welcome the pain. 

It feels like he’s everywhere, his big strong hands all over you. You only break apart so he can roughly tug your t-shirt over your head, then his hands and lips are back on you. The cold in the room is no longer a concern, you’re too hot to even notice it now, you push your fingers into the back of his hair and gently pull his head back.

He nibbles your bottom lip between his teeth, and groans deeply in his chest when he finally lets you pull back so you can both breathe. 

“I’ve wanted to do this for ages, the amount of times I’ve jacked it in the shower thinkin’ about you in those tight little shorts and jeans, baby girl. And don’t even get me started on that perfect little mouth of yours, thinking about how fast I could have you down on your knees is fucking torture.” You whimper at his words, and your fingers tighten on him as he keeps talking. 

“Wanna feel every fucking part of you… take you wherever you stand, and make you scream. And fuck... it’s so hot hearing you say it again. Except now, I can feel how wet your tight little cunt is, not just hear it through the wall.”

You’re in no doubt that you’re blushing hard,it’s an effect he’d had on you from the day he’d hired you. And hearing those words on his perfect lips paired with the tone of his voice, is enough to have your stomach doing backflips. Not to mention he had just kissed every ounce of resolve about this being a bad idea from your mind, now all you can think about is him, consequences be damned.

“I… shit… could you really hear it?” you ask a little nervously, as he tugs your panties down your legs and tosses them over his shoulder. You watch him closely as he crawls between your legs and lays on his stomach, and you swear a new wave of arousal hits you as he looks up at you with those darkened green eyes.

He’s wearing that shit eating grin again when his eyes lock with yours, and he hums quietly, nibbling on his bottom lip thoughtfully. 

“Every single sexy sound, you got yourself so fuckin’ wet thinking about it didn’t you?” he purrs, pushing your legs up the bed, so that they bend at the knees, and then you let them fall open before his eyes. Enjoying the way his gaze immediately drops to your slick heat, but you’re unable to speak, seeing the look that crosses his face. 

“Almost came in here, just to shut you up… didn’t want you waking up the entire house, and believe me, you were close. But I guess Daddy needs to pay the nanny a little attention too, huh?” 

Jensen ducks his head, but his eyes remain on yours as his lips press against your inner thigh, and his stubble prickles deliciously at your skin, when he slowly kisses and bites his way up to where you need him the most.

“Always get wet when I think about you, Jensen. I wish you had come in. I'm sure there are plenty of ways you could've shut me up, or made me louder,” you reveal quietly, feeling your heart jump in your chest when he sucks at your skin and drags his teeth over the mark you're sure he’s left behind.

"Oh baby girl, you have no idea just how many ways I’ve thought about doing it," he all but growls, his lips a mere breath away from your slick pussy. When the tip of his nose nudges against your clit and you can't hold back the whimper of pleasure.

He’s hardly touched you, and you could swear your body is about to catch fire. You have to stop the urge you have to clamp your thighs around his head, when he suddenly flattens his tongue and licks you from your entrance to your throbbing clit with a deep rumbling moan. Your hands fist in the sheets beside your hips when he starts fucking you with his tongue, his big calloused hands move to grip under the backs of your knees and he presses them back against your chest.

“Sonofa…” you gasp, feeling the heat pooling in your stomach, the words get stuck on the tip of your tongue, and the look in his eyes is about to be the death of you.

“Hold your legs back baby,” he instructs you huskily, pulling away just long enough to speak, before he’s back between your thighs, and his tongue is back inside you, sending you closer to the edge as he hits every spot perfectly.

You do as you’re told, wrapping your arms around your legs and holding them back, just as you toss your head back into the pillows and bite your lip. Desperately trying not to cry out like you need to. But then his fingers start to circle your clit, applying just the right amount of pleasure, moving in time with his tongue and you’re so fucking close to the edge that you feel delirious.

“Daddy, please. I’m so close,” you whine needily, you feel Jensen smirk against you and he withdraws his tongue, only to replace it with two thick fingers.

He eases the thick digits in teasingly, watching your body arch into his touch. 

“So fuckin’ sexy baby girl, so tight around my fingers. Can’t wait to feel this tight little cunt wrapped around my cock.”

You drop your legs and grip at the top of his hair harshly as he ducks his head again, and his lips wrap around your clit, everything is steadily becoming too much, and you have to slap your free hand over your mouth to stop your screams.

Jensen growls against your clit when your fingers tighten in his perfect mess of hair, sending vibrations shooting through every nerve and your hips arch closer, until they’re pressed down into the mattress by his strong arm. His fingers are moving fast and hard, scissoring and then curling at just the right times, you can feel his biceps bulging against your leg and stomach with the effort he’s putting in. 

“Gonna… oh God! Please!” you cry out behind your hand, as his tongue starts flicking at your clit in time with his fingers moving inside you. 

Your entire body goes stiff, attempting to arch as your orgasm smashes into you hard. You’re vaguely aware of his tongue lapping at everything you give, with a humming approval, as your body shakes violently beneath him, you’re not sure you’ve ever come that hard in your entire life. 

Before you know it he’s pulling away, and your eyes flutter open just in time to find Jensen flinging his boxers over his shoulder, with a cocky as hell smirk on those plump lips. Your eyes instinctively drop lower, and you feel your breath catch in your throat. Your words accidentally tumble from your lips without there being any way to stop them.

“Is that gonna fit,” you swallow thickly, practically choking on the words, quickly catching yourself before you say any more you clamp your mouth closed, but you don’t miss Jensen’s smirk curling at the corners of his lips.

He moves over you, so that his body is covering yours, leaning on an elbow so his free hand can reach for your face. You feel like you can hardly breathe. The look he’s giving you is so intense, he lets his fingers slowly trail along your jaw, and then his thumb rests against your chin and your lips instinctively part.

“Oh, it’ll fit baby girl. Don’t you worry about that, we’re gonna make it,” he purrs, kissing the corner of your lips.

Before you can kiss him like you really want to, he backs off again, onto his knees between your parted thighs. He shuffles forward and drags your ass up onto his thighs, and takes his cock in his hand, his eyes roaming freely over your body as he starts to work his hand over himself. He taps his cock against your clit several times, and you bite your lip as you squirm beneath him, desperate for more, but you freeze when you feel the thick head of his cock pressing against your dripping entrance.

“Make it fit, Daddy,” you whimper, cupping your tits in your hands, and rolling your hardened nipples between your thumbs and forefingers.

“Oh, you just watch me, sweetheart.” He grabs your legs and pulls them against his solid chest, and his hands drop to your hips and you feel his fingers digging into your skin bruisingly.  

His jaw is clenched tightly as he eases the tip of his cock inside you. It’s extremely clear he isn’t used to going slowly, and if you’re honest you don’t want him to.

“Do it, fill me up. Just fuck me, I can take it Daddy, please. I don’t wanna wait any more.”

Jensen’s eyes lock with yours and he bites into his bottom lip, and the thick veins in his neck become more visible.

“No baby, you’re gonna take what I give you. So fuckin’ wet for me, I bet I could just slide right inside you if I wanted to, stuff you full in one thrust,” he grits out, like that’s exactly what he wants to do, but he’s clearly intent on torturing the both of you. You can feel your blood rushing in your ears as you look down your body at him and pout at him. 

You’re trying to push down onto him further, but Jensen’s grip on your hips is unyielding and bruising. 

“Jensen, please,” you beg pathetically, watching the way his eyes flick up from your pussy and lock on yours.

“No, Y/N. I want you to feel every fucking inch of my thick cock stretching out this tight little cunt,” his voice is practically a growl at this point, and you don’t remember ever being this turned on in your life. 

Your hands drop from your breasts to fist at the bedsheets beside your bodies, as Jensen starts to gently rock his hips, you notice the way his eyes are locked on his cock as he fucks into you teasingly slow. 

“Fuck, Jensen. Feels so good, your voice…” you gasp loudly, cutting yourself off as his hips snap against yours and he fills you completely.

“So fuckin’ tight and wet Y/N… shit. You like my dirty mouth, baby girl? You like hearing about how I’m gonna destroy this pussy, use your body for all it’s worth?” 

“Oh God, yes! Always did love your voice,” you pant out harshly between whimpers, feeling your heart hammering in your chest.

Jensen starts to thrust his hips, pulling out almost all of the way, before effortlessly sliding back inside you with a rumbling groan, picking up a steady rhythm that has you gasping for breath all over again. You can tell he’s holding back, but you can’t stop looking at him, or the sweat clings to his tanned skin. Noticing the way his arms bulge with his tight grip on your hips, his plump bottom lip caught between his teeth, and the look of complete pleasure which has overtaken his gorgeous features.

He looks back up to meet your eyes, “Yeah? You like being Daddy’s dirty little secret too?” he groans, his pace increasing, until you can hear the slapping of your skin against his echoing around the room. 

You can’t help the loud moan that leaves your lips, because fuck, you really do. Every precise thrust has him repeatedly hitting your G-spot. 

“Yes, oh God yes, I love being your dirty secret,” you cry out, louder than you mean to, feeling your orgasm beginning to burn hard in your stomach. Jensen shifts suddenly, until his body is over yours, keeping your legs pressed against his chest. 

Before you can let out a pleasured scream at the new angle, Jensen’s big hand covers your mouth. You can hardly think let alone breathe, he’s so deep inside you that every hard thrust has you sure you’ll feel his cock for a week.

Jensen’s head drops into the crook of your neck and shoulder, his breath hot against your skin, he turns slightly, until his plump lips are angled towards your ear.

“Good. Because I ain’t letting this pussy go now, princess. You’re. All. Fucking. Mine,” he grunts out, punctuating each word with a particularly hard and deep thrust. You nod several times, loving how possessive he’s being. He pulls back suddenly and his hand drops from your mouth to wrap around your throat.

“Say it,” he demands, eyes dark and dangerous.

Your pussy clenches hard around his cock and you moan his name, “all yours, Daddy. Only yours,” you manage to rasp out, squeezing your eyes closed as your climax threatens to explode.

“Good girl. Now, fucking look at me when you come all over my cock.” 

Your eyes snap open at his command, only to see the intense gaze in his eyes as he looks down at you. His cock is filling you perfectly, and he’s so deep, stretching you more than you’d ever been before, and you don’t ever want it to end, but you’re so close.

White hot pleasure clouds your vision when Jensen tilts his hips a little more, and those final thrusts throw you over the edge and into the oblivion of your orgasm. You faintly feel his grip tighten on your throat as you silently scream his name, only vaguely aware of him growling your name against your skin as he thrusts deep inside you and his body stills.

When you finally start to come down, you can feel your climax mixed with his leaking out around his cock. He’s still panting hard, and when you open your eyes he’s gently lowering your legs before he pulls out, with a soft moan of his own, and flops down on the mattress beside you.

“Jesus Christ,” you half laugh, turning on your side to face him.

“Fuck, princess, you can say that again,” Jensen sighs contentedly, throwing a strong arm over your waist and pulling you against him as he rolls onto his back.

You smile against his skin, pressing soft kisses above his wildly beating heart, enjoying how his fingers start combing through your hair, which was something that you definitely hadn’t expected from him. You bite your lip as you look up at him and you can’t help feel a little nervous, “you should probably get going, Jay, I don’t want you getting caught in here,” you all but whisper, as you start to remember he’s actually your married boss.

“Oh, so it’s Jay now, huh? No more Daddy, please?” Jensen smirks, brushing the tips of his fingers over the dip in your hip.

“Jensen, don’t tease me like that,” you tell him, barely above a whisper trying to hide the waver in your voice.

“I told you. I’m not letting you go now, sweetheart. Sleep for now, we’ll talk in the mornin’. Besides, like I said you’re all mine.” 

Bolded wouldn’t tag guys sorry!

All Tags:  @chewie-redbird @julzdec @lettersofwrittencollective @stiles-o-dylan24 @mogaruke @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @dylanholyhellobrien @desireepow-1986 @lilulo-12 @22sarah08 @negans-lucille-tblr​ @cockslut-padalecki​ @deanwanddamons​ @simsadventures​  @charmed-asylum​ @nicole-lynne​ @hazel-eye-coffee-shop-girl-blog​ @defenderrosetyler​ @emilyshurley​ @foxyjwls007​ @mylovelydame21​ @sunshineandwings86 @akshi8278​ @peaches007​ @stylesismyhubs​ @peachyyybabyy​ @fantasy-myth1​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @coffeebooksandfandom​ @magssteenkamp​

Jensen/Dean Tags: @fandom-princess-forevermore​ @hobby27​ @littlelonewolfgirl @ladywinchester1967​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @maddiepants​ @spnfanfic-reblogs​ @holylulusworld​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​ @sonofabringmesomepie​ @deans-baby-momma​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @hhiggs​ @pisces-cutie​ @trina44sb @heartsaved​ @matsumama​ @adoptdontshoppets​ @beth-winchester21​ @doctor-hp-mcu​ @mrspeacem1nusone​ @fanddoms4love​ @deanmonandnegansbitch​ @nihilismworld​ @bxbyizzy @noobwuvsj2 @lyarr24​ @hearteyes-j2​

Pond Tags: @aprofoundbondwithdean​ @manawhaat​  @nichelle-my-belle​ @notnaturalanahi​ @deanscarlett​ @roxy-davenport​ @impala-dreamer​ @samsgoddess​ @frenchybell​ @scorpiongirl1​ @deandoesthingstome​ @deansleather​ @curliesallovertheplace​ @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname​ @waywardjoy​ @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious​ @kayteonline​ @supernatural-jackles​ @wevegotworktodo​ @quiddy-writes​ @babypieandwhiskey​ @supermoonpanda​ @deanwinchesterforpromqueen​ @chaos-and-the-calm67-blog​ @memariana91​ @teamfreewill-imagine​ @chelsea-winchester​ @becs-bunker​ @castieltrash1​ @supernaturalyobessed​ @ruined-by-destiel​ @winchester-writes​ @maraisabellegrey-blog​ @faith-in-dean​ @winchestersmolder​ @bennyyh​ @clueless-gold​ @deanwinchesterxreader​ @winchester-family-business​ @there-must-be-a-lock​ @just-another-winchester​ @cas-backwards-tie​ @winecatsandpizza​ @firefly-in-darkness​

[narrators-journal]

The final step

This is it boys! The final part! After this, I have no other fic to post, so I’ll probably return to original work or silence lol. But! I’ll try to post what I can to feed ya’ll content!

cw: descriptions of murder, Hint o’ Hisoka, reader’s pregnant

Previous part: here

First part: here

Illumi spent a while helping you pack before the butlers he'd requested showed up, than he returned to his home across the street to pack up as well. After all, with you now on the track to marry him, he would no longer need the home. Though, maybe we could keep it, and use it as something of a vacation spot to escape mother's unrelenting nagging. He mused.

While he was shoving his clothes into his bag and mulling over that option, he spoke to said mother, or, more-so half listened to Kikyo squeal and giggle in pure delight at the news of your pregnancy.        "Mother, please refrain from shrieking in my ear," he said when his excitable mother had to stop for breath,         "I'm sorry dear, but this is such good news! Your father and I were hoping this woman would prove to be a good wife, and while I will say it's a little soon for a baby, this is good news nonetheless!" She squealed, making the assassin huff,        "I know, I should've waited until after I'd married her to consummate," Kikyo about blew a raspberry at his words, making him blink,        "Illumi, we don't care if you decide to have sex before you get married. My only concern is that this woman isn't the right one for you." she said, "Your father would prefer that you choose a woman a bit more suited for our line of work, but if she's really as submissive as you described, I'm sure she'll be a fine addition to the family. Oh! And I'm sure your child will be absolutely adorable! I can't wait to put little booties on them, and absolutely dote on them like you no longer let me do-"          "Mother," Illumi said, though his mother knew despite his monotone voice that he was annoyed.          "Well, you don't." she sniffed before changing the subject. "Anyway, when are you bringing her home? I want to meet her already!" she said, going into a bit of a rant over his failure to even show Kikyo a picture of you, but her son was no longer listening. Instead, Illumi's attention was turned to his surroundings, his senses on high alert from the waves of malicious intent he felt so suddenly from the direction of your home.         "Mother, was Hisoka released?" Illumi asked, his mother's voice dying at the palpable tension coming through the phone,         "I believe so? Your grandfather was apparently sick of the creep, so he had him thrown out." she offered a second before Illumi hung up. In a flash, the assassin was across the street at your home, his needles at the ready. As soon as he set foot in the house, the assassin was greeted with the familiar scent of blood hanging in the air like a heavy blanket and a silence that ate at his nerves. Your home was quiet. too quiet. It about drove the assassin insane with the possible reasons behind the lack of life. Of course, the butlers that were tasked with helping you pack your clothes were dead, so that helped to explain the stifling quiet, but the sight of the help mercilessly slaughtered didn't justify the way Illumi's heart raced and a strange feeling gripped at his throat until he felt he couldn't breathe. The only time that feeling seemed to finally leave, only to be replaced with wrath, was when the casually dressed assassin slipped into your bathroom, his needles poised to be thrown, and he was met with the one person he didn't want to see inside of your home.         "Hisoka." he hissed, his dark eyes narrowing and his aura reflecting the heated rage that boiled his blood at the sight of the brightly colored magician, who turned to look at him lazily, frowning as if the soulless man was as equally unwanted as the pink haired man was,         "Before you maul me and get no answers, I didn't hurt your precious (y/n)." He assured, plucking one of his signature playing cards and licking the blood of a butler from it before continuing "I believe she crawled out of the bathroom window. So, I suggest you go get her back before you focus on me. Don't want her to get too far away now, do we?" The magician pouted, knowing damned well Illumi wouldn't bother with him after that news, which meant Illumi wouldn't be fighting him, yet. The assassin did, in fact, leave the magician at your house, going out instead to find you. If the help wasn't so fucking incompetent this would be a lot easier. He thought as he forced his wrathful aura into zetsu while he coldly rushed by the corpses and returned outside to prowl down the chilly streets of town, turning that edgy, strangling, anxiety feeling in his throat into energy to fuel his possessive hunt for his wife, his property. On the bright side of the situation though, you were nothing compared to the dark-haired predator, so he had that to cool his unhinged emotions before running into you. You were a recluse, you likely didn't know your way around town that well, so your trail was pretty obvious. In times of life threatening danger, people, more-so women, usually went to crowded areas after all, and you didn't know of many places that would offer help, so you were likely going to head to your grocery store. Knowing that, Illumi was able to get ahead of you, scooping you up before you could slow from a mad dash fuelled by mortal terror to a speed at which you could avoid slamming into the hunter's chest.        "(y/n)," he growled, shaking you once, firmly, to put a stop to your flailing and squirming, "I am this close to jamming one of my needles into your brain. STOP IT." He ordered, the force of slightly panicked rage in his words making you freeze and stare up in terror at him with your wide (e/c) eyes. For a few seconds you stared at one another, your form squished to his in an inescapable grip while his soulless eyes glared down at you until you finally burst into tears.       "Please! Just let me go!" You plead, your voice quivering with barely restrained sobs, so he took a deep breath and ran his thumb down your already tear-stained cheek,       "Why would I do that? I'm only trying to keep you and our baby safe." he reminded you, but you shook your head vigorously, making bits of your (h/l), (h/c) hair stick to your face,        "You're scaring me! Please let me go, I'm begging you Illumi." you cried, trying to shake his comforting hug off,        "I thought you loved me," he said, not releasing you even when your upset tantrum stuttered to a stop. For a moment, you seemed conflicted, but than closed your eyes and tried to kick him to no avail,         "I...I don't know anymore. You've...become so scary recently, I have to p-put my own well being ahead of any shallow attraction." you sniffled, digging your nails into his t-shirt. He brushed a strand of hair from your (s/c) face as you shook against him          "(y/n), I would never do anything to harm you or our baby unless you force me to. Just behave and act like you did before figuring out you were pregnant, everything will be okay." he assured, making his voice as comforting, soft, and loving as he could manage to try and sooth you. Thankfully, he could see the fear and rebellion in your (e/c) eyes dim, returning to their usual, gorgeously submissive state. After that, you only gave one final attempt at escaping his arms before finally giving up. "Good girl, (y/n). Now, let's go home. My mother is about to implode in her excitement to meet you." After that, Illumi returned to the house he had bought for his bag of clothes, then made a beeline for the Zoldyck estate. On the trip there, the long haired assassin tried to make you happy, providing you food, comfortable places to sleep when need-be, and finding you little gifts related to your hobbies to try and entertain and make you smile. He could tell that you were still uncomfortable with him, but you slowly began to warm back up to him when your human need for companionship demanded it. However, the one thing he couldn't save you from or prepare you for, was Kikyo. The woman about tackled Illumi when he pushed open the testing gates, but as soon as you were through and safely on Zoldyck land with your husband protectively at your side, his mother began her fussing.       "She looks so ill! Illumi, did you make sure she's physically healthy?"       "She's not much to look at, maybe if she tried more make-up and clothes that fit her better?"       "Illumi, where are her things? Did you just snatch her up off of the street while she was pregnant?!" The only thing that saved you and Illumi from his mother's judgements and chiding was a firm look from his father, Silva, who was making a rare appearance to greet you in a much calmer manner.       "To answer your questions, I will get the family doctor to look her over, and her things had to be left. A threat came up and I needed to bring her here before harm befell her, so I will need to buy her new clothes." The dead eyed assassin assured his mother, who obviously had more hen pecking to do, but she refrained under the stern look of her husband. After that, Illumi got you nicely settled in to his bedroom, and while you did put up some more of a fight over staying there, you mostly accepted your role as his wife-to-be and mother of his child rather easily. He knew you were simply acting out from your hormones and the stress of your situation, so he did his best to keep his temper with you.         "It'll be okay (y/n), once you get comfortable here, we'll be happy." Illumi soothed one night after one of your bouts of sobbing and fighting to escape while he sat, cross-legged with you in his lap and his hands rubbing your belly. You weren't showing much yet, but it still pleased him greatly to now have his wife and child safely at home. That's right, he thought, letting a rare smile spread across his usually unreadable face, you're home now, (y/n)...

[kweebtrash]

Crawling (M)

Messy Chapter 9

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Smut, The Angst chapter TM

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: alcohol, talks about death/suicide, talks about sexual assault (use of the word rape-in case that offends you), emotional manipulation, description of panic attacks, anxiety, emotional codependency, aggression/intimidation, mentions of blood, mental illnesses/self deprivation/emotional self harm/slight feelings of worthlessness, lots of crying, heavy heavy heavy guilt

Features: kinda sad slow sex?, gentle thrusting, caressing, grinding, protectiveness, biting, heavy make out sessions/tongue sucking, riding, unprotected and protected sex, cumshot, choking, rough fucking

Word Count: 23k

A/N: ‘they’ and ‘she’ are used interchangeably on purpose. I’ll edit some more tomorrow if needed. I may have missed some warnings so if you see any you feel I should add let me know. This chapter is kind of personal for me as some of the things I wrote about happened to me irl but still let me know what you think of it regardless.

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Jaehyuns POV

I yawned as I flicked through my Instagram feed lazily. I was trying to fall asleep but nothing was working. I rubbed my eyes before setting my arm between my head and the pillow, continuing to scroll and liking a few posts every once in awhile. My phone vibrated signaling that I had a text from Quinn. Just as I was about to click on it I got another notification, this time from Instagram. It was a message request from an account I didn't follow. I was mostly tempted to ignore it until more and more messages filtered through. I sighed and finally opened it, seeing words that made my blood run cold.

Rixtrix666: Hey

Rixtrix666: I really need to talk to you

Rixtrix666:It's about me and Johnny

This damn bitch couldn't leave us alone. First, she made Johnny's life a living hell and now she was trying to get to him through me. I clicked on her profile to block her, briefly catching the dozens of pictures she had of her and Johnny. In each one he looked miserable and void of any feeling whatsoever. I could only imagine what he went through before I told him I would help. At first I had been offended that he hadn't come to me as soon as it started taking a turn for the worse but after he explained what she had done to him I could see his thought process behind it. He didn't want to be ridiculed or chastised. Hell, he didn't even think people would believe him. If I hadn't known him for all these years then maybe I wouldn't have either. But anyone with a brain could see how he wasn't himself anymore. Just seeing her message brought back memories of terror that I shared with him for over a month. Why couldn't she just fucking leave us be? I opened up the message, ready to tear into her but what she sent me stopped me in my tracks completely. I shot up in bed instantly, my hands shaking as my throat felt like it was closing up. I accepted her request and immediately responded.

What the fuck is that?

Rixtrix666: what does it look like?

Rixtrix666: he's blocked me everywhere else

Rixtrix666: I need to tell him. Please. That's why I sent you this msg

You're lying. You're a fucking manipulative bitch

I don't need you fucking up his life again

I mean it

Rixtrix666: please jaehyun

Rixtrix666: I need to talk to him

Rixtrix666: the proof is in the picture! It's a positive test

Whats your fuckin number

I'm calling you

Answer the phone right fucking now!!

Once she sent her number, I dialed it immediately. "Listen here-"

She cut me off. "Jaehyun! I mean it! Please, I'm begging you! I need to talk to him!'

"Fuck!" I yelled. She was starting to make me nervous with the urgency in her voice. I didn't know what to do. I was torn between believing her or blocking her and keeping this a secret. She had already caused so much damage and this was just going to make everything worse. I was on edge and her squaking in my ear wasn't making anything better. I sprinted towards my door, flinging it open and heading straight towards Johnny's room. I didn't even bother knocking and instead shoved his door open. He jumped up, the most confused expression written across his face. I had no idea how to say it or even where to begin explaining so I thrust my phone in his face.

"Talk! Talk now!' I blurted out.

He raised his brow and took my cell tentatively. As soon as he pressed it to his ear and heard those words the coloring drained from his face. His breathing switched immediately and it was like he was drowning, gasping deeply and struggling to fight against the waters. I didn't understand why it was happening and I certainly didn't know how to fix it which caused me to go into a deeper panic. My phone slipped from his hand and I managed to catch it before it crashed to the floor. Rixi was still going on about the pregnancy until I yelled in her ear. "Send me your address right now. We're coming over."

"F-fine! I need to see him anyway. We have to get back together. For the sake of the baby."

I didn't have time to blow up on her, especially with Johnny looking like he was ready to pass out at any minute. I discarded my phone on the bed and grabbed onto his shoulders, trying to shake him out of it. "Dude! Look at me! We're gonna figure this out together ok? She's lying. I know she is. You don't have to worry." His breath was still far from normal. "J-Johnny, man, w-what's wrong? You're freaking me out! P-please stop breathing like that!"

His eyes showed nothing but fear, his body completely tense, like he wasn't able to control it. My heart thundered and in a  last ditch effort, I just hugged him. I squeezed him tight and held on, hoping that somehow that could comfort him enough to calm down. I was scared too. Absolutely terrified. I didn't want him to go back into that abuse and though I didn't believe that she was actually pregnant, if there was even the slightest possibility that she was his life was over. On top of that I knew his feelings for Eri were growing no matter how much he was trying to deny it. She may not want to be around him if he had a kid and that would just devastate him. I pleaded to whatever cosmic being was watching over to give Johnny every ounce of strength it took for him to be happy.

Just then, I slowly felt his hand creep up to settle on my back. He was responding now at least even if it was minimal. "We're gonna get through this together, ok? You're my brother. I won't let her ruin this, I swear it."

He inhaled with a sharp gasp and I shot back in fear that his breathing had gotten worse somehow. It was the opposite thankfully and it looked like he had finally gotten his head above water. "W-what…" He rasped softly. "What am I going to do?"

"We're going to buy some tests and make her take them in front of us. I need to make sure she isn't playing any games. I want living proof. If she's going to try me, then she's messing with the wrong dude."

"What if, Jae? What if…"

"Don't think like that, man. Think about Eri. She needs you when she comes back and you're gonna be there, ok?"

He nodded and I helped him up from the bed. "Let's go, I'll drive. Just get your coat on." I ran to the front door and grabbed my car keys, shoving on my own coat in the process. Johnny was walking much slower. I grabbed his arm to move him along and attempt to snap him out of it. I guided him downstairs and into my car like a child. I knew he was really too shocked to process anything but my adrenaline was kicking in big time and I needed to be his rationality for now. I hopped in and sped to the nearest pharmacy, pulling into the parking lot in a screeching halt. I ran in, my own breath starting to give out from going so fast, and grabbed the biggest pack of pregnancy tests I could find. When I got to the register I fumbled with my wallet and card, angered at myself for shaking so bad. I took a deep breath and ignored the weird stares I was getting from the cashier before my payment went through and I yanked it out the card reader. I grabbed the box and got back into the car hoping that Johnny was still safe. Realistically, I should have taken him into the store with me to keep an eye on him but I knew he would only slow me down.

I checked my phone to make sure Rixi had sent me her address. Thankfully she did and I plugged it into my GPS, zooming back out onto the road. The box of tests sat between us halfway stuck in my cup holder, rattling menacingly as an omen of what was to come. I tried not focusing on it so much through the silence Johnny and I shared. I wanted to give him some form of assurance but i was at a lost to what more I could do or say. Instead, I gripped the steering wheel tighter feeling the leather cover squeak beneath my fingers. The ride was short but felt painfully long. When we finally arrived at the apartment complex it loomed over us and made me feel like I was going into battle. I took a deep breath and nudged at Johnny. “Let’s go.”

I grabbed the tests as I stepped out of the car. Johnny looked like he was ready to pass out at any moment. I set my arm around his shoulders and lead us to her apartment door. I banged on it harshly, impatiently waiting for her to open it. When she did, I could see tears still running down her cheeks and she made an attempt to hold onto Johnny. He stepped back quick and I moved between them. "Don't you dare think about touching him. Take these tests now." I pressed the box to her chest and glared down at her.”

“W-what? What is this? How could you not believe me?!” She squeaked.

"Because we can't trust anything you say. You're a liar, Rixi and I need to know what happened that night." Johnny spat.

“You know what happened.” Rixi growled. “You got high and wanted to fuck. You realize you were on X, right? That’s what happens. You wanted it.”

I didn't want to have her talk to him any further. The uncertainty was already weighing on us and I needed it to disappear as fast as it had arrived. I kept myself between them but shifted Rixi around to face the direction of her bathroom. "Get moving." I commanded.

“You can't tell me what to do! I'm not taking these!"

With my patience wearing thin I shoved her harshly and kept her moving until the three of us crammed into the small space. "Oh, you're gonna take them. I don't have time for your bullshit and you definitely do not want to piss me off." I locked the door, making sure she had no means of escaping. “Do it.”

“I’m not going to pee with you two in here.”

“Just take the damn test, Rixi!” Johnny snapped.

“I don’t have to go right now!”

I grabbed her shoulders and pressed her down onto the toilet. “Start thinking of waterfalls then because you will do it.”

“F-fine! If it will get you to shut up. It’ll just be positive anyway!” I leaned back against the wall, glaring her down the entire time to make sure that she didn’t try anything funny. Her hands were shaking as she tore into the plastic and opened the box. Johnny was trying to pace within the small area and I reached out to grab his shoulder harshly. He stopped and instead switched to shuffling his weight between his feet. The wait was irritating and super awkward but it had to be done. Eventually she was able to take the test and slammed it on the counter. I set a timer on my phone so we knew exactly when it was done processing. It was a mere 5 minutes but each second made us all more anxious. Rixi was darting her eyes around frantically as she tried to keep herself covered. Johnny was mumbling to himself, almost wedged into the corner while his nails dug into the cheap wallpaper. My foot bounced quickly as I tried to funnel my nerves somewhere else. The wait was absolute death and I was starting to feel the sweat creep down the back of my neck. Finally, the timer went off and all three of us jumped up. Rixi made a grab at the test but I caught her hand in mine and Johnny snatched it up. He held it between us and we both stared at the reading. What the fuck did that mean?

“What does it say!?" Johnny panicked, the answer still unbeknownst to us. Rixi squirmed in my grip, making me release her. She yanked it out of Johnny's hand and cradled it to her chest.

“It means i’m pregnant of course!” She said as if it was obvious.

I grabbed at her small hands having to pry it out of her. “I saw it! It was one line."

Johnny grabbed the box and turned it over, skimming over the directions. “You fuckin’ bitch!”

“What?! What?! What does it mean?!” I screamed.

“She’s not fuckin’ pregnant!!” Johnny almost launched himself over me to try and grab at Rixi but I was able to block him.

“It could be wrong! Why would I lie to you?! I love you!” Rixi protested.

"You love me?!" Johnny scoffed. "If you loved me you wouldn't have raped me!"

My head snapped over to my best friend, my brother, my family away from home. He had told me about the way Rixi hit him and tried to keep our friends away but he never told me that.

"That's not what happened! Why do you keep saying that?! I would never!"

I set the test down and told Johnny to leave the bathroom, confusing both he and Rixi. When he didn't comply right away, I yelled at him. It wasn't because I was upset but rather he might have stopped me from what I was about to do. It took a bit of coercion but he eventually left me alone with the shedemon. I stood in front of her, setting my hands on either side of the toilet tank. My face was just centimeters from hers and I could feel the nervousness of her breath against my lips. "You…" I laughed not even sure where to begin. "You hurt one of the only people I care about. I mean incomprehensible damage to his mind, his body, his feelings and you come around again, like an infectious disease. You can say that you didn't hurt him all you want but that's only because you're sick. What I need you to do, and what you're going to do, is take this second test. Once I get that negative result again I will make fucking sure you will never ever be able to go near Johnny ever."

"If you t-touch me I'm calling the police!!"

"Oh, call them. Then you can get arrested for what you've done to him."

"They wouldn't believe that I could hurt him. I mean he's a man, a big one at that. If something was really wrong he could've easily defended himself." She said, a little too smug for my own liking.

She had admitted what Johnny had feared- that no one would believe him and he would be seen as a joke. It made me absolutely furious but I held my composure in the meantime. I smiled at her and grabbed the second test out the box, holding it in front of her. "Take the test."

"No. I'm not doing anything else you ask for. You can't force me."

"Oh, so you don't like being forced to do things but you're okay with forcing yourself onto drugged out men? That's mighty hypocritical of you, Rixi. Now again, I'll tell you one more time, pretty nicely I think, take the test." I shifted my hand to her shoulder, gripping it hard. "And don't worry. I wouldn't hit you. That would be hypocritical as well, right? You can only hit Johnny, right?"

"I was just playing around. I wasn't hitting him like that!"

"The bruises said otherwise."

"He bruises easily."

I squeezed her shoulder harder, watching her try and squirm away from my grasp but ultimately failing. "Take the test, Rixi."

"Get off me!"

"TAKE THE TEST!!" I yelled, my entire body trembling. It took a lot to get me this angry, this absolutely volatile. She was able to bring it out of me in mere minutes and I promised her that she wouldn't like what she saw next if she didn't comply with my orders. Johnny pounded on the door, asking what was wrong. He knew when I yelled that shit was serious. I ignored him and shoved the test towards her again. She snatched it from me as another round of crocodile tears started to flow.

I wasn't so patient this time with her stalling and complaining about not being able to pee. I sure as hell was able to convince her to get a move on when I snapped the first test in half and slapped the box off the counter, my voice growing louder with each vengeful move. Once she managed to get enough on the stick through her whining, we waited again. The same result was concluded and I sighed deeply. I washed my hands and wiped the excess water on my jeans. "So, we've established that you're never coming near him again and that I'm going to make sure there's a restraining order on you. On top of that I'll make sure I find ways to make your life a living hell just like you did to Johnny. Do you understand me?"

"You ruined everything. He was going to be mine!"

"Aren't you just a cute soap opera villain? Things don't work that way in the real world. You don't get what you want when people are like you. You get institutionalized. What the hell did you think was going to happen when you didn't shit out a kid in 9 months? That Johnny would've stayed? He's got more important things to worry about like his girlfriend. The person you will never be."

"You mean that stupid slut that tried to fight me?" She said angrily.

I smiled. "Say that to Johnny's face. He'll tell you how much he's in love with her. They spend so much time together it's almost sickening. You never even had a chance. Don't try and put your hands on him or his life again. If you try me again, I can get you charged with something much worse like you deserve."

I yanked the door open and Johnny met my eyes instantly. “What did you do? What happened? I heard yelling.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s going to be okay.”

“You think really think she’s going to stay away from me? She-She’s insane! She’s never going to leave me alone and-”

“I got this. I’m not going to let anything else happen to you.” I promised. “I’m gonna take you home, we just gotta make a stop first.” I started leading him towards the door, looking back at Rixi who was looking defeated for now. Somehow I felt like she was going to plot something far more dangerous and even though I had won this battle it didn't feel like I had won the war just yet. I was ready for anything she was plotting though. I vowed to make sure she never hurt my brother again.

--

Eri’s POV

In the short time that I was back home on the island my world had crumbled and I had no idea where to even begin trying to piece it back together. I didn’t exactly regret my mom forcing me to go back but I wished I did have more time to plan but how could you plan a death? How do you plan losing someone who helped raise you, who drove you to school every morning, who was married to your grandmother for over 50 years, who you knew and loved since you were born? How did you even begin to prepare for that?

I had spent the entire week being at the brunt end of emotion after emotion. There were fights about everything-the house, mortgage, money, cars, insurance. I had to sift through paperwork of things I didn't even understand and with my family's barely high school level education from the 80s, they didn't understand much either. One of my aunt's tried to guide us through beneficiaries and all that bullshit but it was still a foreign language to us all. It made me restless at night and with the worry of my grandpa's health already on my mind I was basically running on fumes. It didn’t help my depression and it sure as hell didn’t help that I always had to get up early and do things around the house, head to the hospital for visitation hours, make trips to the grocery store, cook food, or buy anything we needed.

As the oldest I had somehow become the scapegoat and my mother’s favorite object to lash out on. Everyday there was some sort of argument and it came to the point that I just wanted to have a day of relaxation. I wanted to go to the beach, my absolute sanctuary and place of peace, but that was denied from me. My mom guilted me into thinking that I didn’t deserve to have that time to myself, that it was inappropriate for me to think of this as a “vacation.” That wasn't how I felt at all and I merely wanted to attempt to recapture my sanity. After having my umpteenth argument with her I took it upon myself to sneak out of my grandma’s house like a teenager and go to a bar. Dani had found out about my little plan and blackmailed me into taking her along. Our cousin Maricella, who I hadn’t seen since I lived on the island ten years ago, was our getaway car.

It was an outdoor bar by the beach so I still got to have a little bit of peace. The mosquitoes were out and chewing up my legs like no other but it was way too hot to wear anything but short shorts and a bralette. Mari got us a round of shots while Dani and I took up residence at a table by a tiki torch, hoping the flame would keep some of the bugs at bay. Every once in awhile a sea breeze would rattle through the boardwalk style patio and bless us with relief and the tangy smell of salt water. I exhaled deeply and took out my almost finished second pack of cigarettes. I was starting to become a chimney because of all the stress and today was no different. It started off with light cigarettes but this pack had somehow turned into menthols. I still hated the taste but it was almost oddly comforting to have that hint of Johnny by my side. I lit one up, watching Dani’s nose wrinkle.

“I thought you hated those.” She commented.

“I do.” I took in a deep drag while scratching at a mosquito bite on my leg. “But it's what they had at the supermarket…” I lied.

“Your boyfriend smokes them.”

I shot her an incredulous look. “What?”

“Johnny. Your boyfriend. The hot six foot tall Korean with emo hair and lips that look like they commit a sin every time he talks. You know, that one.”

“He isn’t my boyfriend. He told me you figured out we were faking it at the party. How did you know he smoked menthols?”

“He asked me where your clutch was while you were off with Josue and I saw him take them out. Had to move some condoms out of the way to get to them though. Magnums? Guess what they say about Asians isn’t always true.”

“DANIELLA, POR FAVOR.” I screamed. “Why are you like this?” She was making me cringe just hearing her talk like that. She was only 15, i didn’t want to think about her knowing about anything related to sex at all.

“Because I’m your sister and you taught me how to be this way. Can I try it?” She nodded towards my cigarette.

“No, I’m supposed to be a good influence on you.”

“Ok, well influence me to drink and smoke and fuck a bunch of guys in college. If they look like Johnny, I’m down.”

I smacked my hand to my forehead and internally groaned. She was right, being a little shit ran in the family and I had definitely groomed her to somehow have the same attitude as I did. I had make the mistake of telling her about my college adventures (usually leaving out the details of my sex life) but apparently it was enough information for her to throw it back in my face. I reluctantly handed her the cigarette just as Maricella came back with a tray of shots. “Mari, my hero. Thank fuck.” I let out a sigh of relief.

“I got half dark, half white liquor so pick your poison. I used to fuck the bartender so I basically got everything for free.” She said before downing a shot of vodka.

“Why is everyone in our family sluts?” Dani coughed as she took a drag, quickly handing it back to me. “That is fuckin’ disgusting. How do you smoke those let alone kiss him when he tastes like that!”

“Wait, wait, wait. Who are you kissing?” Mari asked as she scooted onto the bar stool. “You got a man?”

I tossed back three shots, one after the other, then reached for the tequila so I could definitely forget about ever having this conversation. “No, I do not. There’s no man.”

Dani grabbed a shot herself, sniffing the liquor a bit. “I’m pretty sure your facetimes every night say otherwise. I can hear y'all say ‘I miss you so much, baby.’ from my room!” She took a deep breath before sipping the liquor slowly, managing to get it down in one take but recoiling her body in disgust. She rubbed at her chest trying to take the edge off somehow.

I could feel my face flaring up instantly. “That-that’s not true! We just...We’re just kinda in a weird place right now, ok?!

“Drink more so you can tell me about him! I wanna know!!” Mari giggled. She coaxed another shot towards me which I took instantly. There were a few drags in between her taunting and my stalling but eventually I had to cave in just to get them both to shut up.

I gulped down my fifth shot and sighed as I already started feeling the buzz. “He’s just this guy...we’ve been screwing around for like...four months now. I took him to the quince because you know how everyone is, asking me when I’m gonna get a boyfriend, ignoring that I like girls, belittling what I’m studying in college. So i asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend so they could get off my back."

"Except-" Dani interrupted. "Now they're totally in love with each other but won't admit it!"

"Ay, nena, don't you know to never catch feelings? That makes shit too complicated." Mari nudged my shoulder.

I tapped out my ashes. "He told me that I would never be his girlfriend and that's completely fine by me!" I lied and reached for another glass, letting out a deep sigh.

"Do you want to be his girlfriend?" Mari posed the dangerous question.

I stood quiet for a long time not really knowing how to answer that. He made it clear that he didn't want me to be his girlfriend but got jealous over Taeyong and Josue. He was constantly coming back around to fuck me (and vice versa) and now we had spent almost every night talking on the phone to each other. He had listened to me complain about my family for hours on end. Even when it got too late and I could tell how tired he was, he stayed up with me until sleep got the better of him. I would leave our FaceTime camera screens open, propping my phone against my pillow, and imagining that he was sleeping beside me though we were thousands of miles apart. He would hold his little rilakkuma keychain in his fist, keeping the head pressed to his lips as he slept. My heart would melt into a messy puddle of feelings I wanted to ignore but it was hard when you were screaming how much you were in love in your head.

"Heyyyyy," Mari nudged me out of my stupor. “Spill it girl!”

“The truth is I really don’t know what I want from him. Maybe I do want to be his girlfriend but what am I going to do once I have him? I’ve only ever had two relationships before and they both ended horribly. I’m so incredibly afraid to love anyone and honestly I don’t think he knows how to be a boyfriend either. We’re really messy and broken and always going up and down. It’s hard to figure anything out with him. I’m stressed that I love him. I’m stressed that I hate him. I’m stressed that I want to be with him but don’t want to be with him and I’m stressed that i know for sure he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m a mess, ok?”

“Eri, you should really stop lying to yourself and everyone around you about how you feel about him.” Dani added. I shot her a death glare and hoped to all hell she would shut up.

Mari just patted my shoulder. “You got it bad and you’re way over your head. I’m gonna get more drinks. You look like you need to be drunk.” She left us again and I rubbed my temples, sighing deeply.

“If he’s an asshole I don't want you to be with him but I know he does love you.” Dani added.

“Dani, don’t joke like that. It’s fine. Nothing is going to happen between us.”

“It will. Just give it time. I don’t think you’ll have to stress about him much longer but you should tell him.”

“I’m not going to make a damn fool out of myself and get rejected.”

“You won’t know until you actually try, Eri. Trust me.”

“What would you know about relationships? We’re adults. It’s different than that high school crap.”

“I know enough jerk. Why are you cranky when you’re drunk?”

“I’m not drunk.” I huffed. “I’m going to drink more then get drunk.” Dani crossed her arms and rolled her eyes and I let her sit in her feelings while I tried to avoid mine entirely. Mari came back then as if on queue and set down a giant bowl of piña colada to share between the three of us and a few more shots. We latched onto the straws and sucked deeply, almost in a race to see who could get toasted the fastest. Dani was number one contender as after a few sips she was starting to sway in her seat.

“I still want to hear more about this boy.” Mari said.

I groaned. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Pleassseeeeee! We never got to talk about boys when we were younger. We’re like making up time from being apart. You have to!”

I sniffled and tossed the end of my cigarette towards the sand. "Fine.” I grumbled. “I'm completely and totally in love with him. He's so fucking stupid and infuriating all the time. Like he can never talk about shit outright. I have to pry it out of him but he's had so much happen to him and I think he deserves to be happy. I want to be the person that makes him happy and supports him and-" I swallowed more gulps of piña colada as if was going to stop my meltdown. "He takes really nice pictures because he loves photography and he really cares about his mom and-and like we always talk about music and stuff. He's such a big dumb...DUMMY HEAD."

"Ay dios, what does this dummy head look like?" Mari asked. I set my phone out on the table and opened my secret folder of Johnny's pictures that I had saved.

"There. He looks like the biggest fucking fuckboy that ever lived." I whined.

"Well...I mean he's not my type,” She said as she flicked through the photos. ‘But Santo Dios, Jesus y la Virgencita THAT'S HIS DICK???"

I almost slammed my head onto the table. "YEAH THAT'S LIKE THE WORST PART."

"Waiiiiittttt! Lemme see! Lemme see!!" Dani squealed.

Mari at least had the decency to keep my phone away from my sister and preserve her hopefully still intact innocence. "No, this is not for you!" Mari turned to me and whispered, "You better get this shit straightened out soon. No man is worth heartache no matter how big or how good his dick is."

"Yeah but it's really gooooooodddd." I sniffled and pulled the incredibly long straw to my lips, sucking down more of the mixed drink.

"I don't care. You need to focus on yourself, especially with what's going on now."

"I don't want to focus on myself or what's going on now! That's like the last thing I want to focus on! I want to focus on the way he falls asleep while we FaceTime, or the stuffed bear that he got me that I sleep with every night, or the way his clothes smells, or his arms feel around me, or like...anything else but this shit! Please, Mari...anything else but this."

She sighed deeply and rubbed her hand across my back. "Damn...you really really got it bad."

I nodded and kept my head on the table sealing my lips from any more embarrassment. I was starting to get a little incoherent with all my drinking so I was sure I replied to her but didn't quite remember what I said. I was fading into a half sleep state and wanted to sink into the boardwalk. If I got drunk enough to completely pass out it would be the best sleep I'd have this entire trip. The only thing that could seal the deal was some bug spray and air conditioning. Mari shoved at me and landed panicked slaps to my back. I nudged my head up a little and opened one eye. "Whhaaaaa-?"

"Titi is calling! She must have found out we snuck out!!"

Dani almost burst into tears instantly. "I'm gonna get so grounded!!!"

I shushed her and took the phone instantly. "Fuck that. She's just gonna yell at me and I don't have time for that. I'm sick of her shit. She's only making this worse."

"Yeah but…" Mari cautioned. "If you ignore her she's going to blow up. You better answer."

I let the phone vibrate some more. The call hung up and started again over and over until it irritated me enough to answer. "What?!"

That set off a firework show of yelling and crying, tired explanations of her to stop treating me like a child or using me as a scapegoat, arguments about my duties in the house and guilting me that I didn't care about my grandpa one bit and bringing up the vacation thing. My body was vibrating with anger. It felt like my meds didn't even have an effect on me anymore and I was nothing but flames and sorrow. Mari tried to calm me down and Dani ended up crying and holding onto me begging for us to stop fighting. I had drawn so much attention with my yelling that everyone at the bar stared like I was some strange anomaly. Mari dragged me away then with Dani still clutching onto me and got us into the car. I hung up the phone during my mother's rant and tossed it somewhere I didn't care to find.

There was no point in holding everything in anymore. I screamed, I cried, I stopped breathing, I wanted to die. Everything came crashing down on me at once and that was when I truly felt my world crumble into nothingness. I didn't have a hold of myself. My body was shutting down, my mind becoming numb and unable to process anything. I didn't even realize we had gotten to my grandma's house until we actually pulled up. Everything seemed like a blur. When I stepped out of the car my legs gave way and I crashed hard into the pavement, crying and scarcely able to breathe. Consciousness wasn't my friend and I could only remember flashes of memory; my grandma holding me, my aunt telling me to breathe, my mom screaming in confusion, violently vomiting, and blood trickling down my head. I didn't know how long the panic attack lasted but I fell asleep in my mother's arms, finally being comforted by her love rather than frustrations.

When I did wake up it was the next day. I was forced to get up early in the morning. My head felt like it was going to explode. My hand was also throbbing and I didn’t understand why. I slowly got up from the bed, my body feeling like it weighed tons. Across the bed were the mirrored closet doors of the guest room and I could see bandages across my head and my knuckles. What even happened to my hand? I was confused and still felt groggy. I laid back down and fumbled around for my phone looking at the influx of messages I had received. There were a few from Lucas which entailed of a bunch of crying and kissy emojis saying that he missed me, one from Yuta asking me if I was ok because he hadn’t heard from me in awhile and even more from Johnny.

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: hey

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: did you sleep all day? I hope so. you need it

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: wanna call me when you get a chance?

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: I’ll be home at like 11

I wished I could’ve called him at that moment but at least it would be the highlight of my day later on as I was sure today was going to be a shit show. I wanted to go back to sleep and be left alone but my mom wouldn’t let me. We had to go visit my grandpa again which was also the last thing I wanted to do after suffering through that panic attack last night. Seeing him hooked up to monitors and oxygen was the icing on the cake to my guilt ridden feelings. The day went by at the slowest pace and I made movements to shuffle around my family but I was on autopilot. I was able to catch a nap in the late afternoon and woke up a little bit close to midnight. Johnny was the first thing on my mind and I called him hoping that he was still awake. He answered almost immediately, his toothbrush stuck in his mouth. “Hey babe.” He mumbled around it.

“Hey.” I croaked back.

He held a finger up, asking me to hold on while he rinsed out his mouth. I adjusted myself in bed in the meantime, making sure to hide the swollen area of my head and my hand. I didn’t want him to worry more than he already had been over the time I was gone. I watched him head over to his room and plop down on his bed, holding the phone above him.

“You look like shit, girl.”

“Yes, hello to you too, Johnathan.”

“You know what I mean. What's going on?"

I scoffed. "More like what isn't going on. My mom is continuously being an asshole to me but we had a half moment yesterday i guess. I got kinda drunk because I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore and it went downhill from there."

"Babe." He said sternly.

"Don't fuckin give me that commanding voice. I'm trying, ok? I'd rather be numb."

"I don't want you to be numb. I want you to feel. I want you to feel everything including me."

"But why do I have to carry everyone? Why do I have to do everything and stay struggling while taking a beating every day?"

"I know it's not fair. It's really not fucking fair and it pisses me off that you have to go through that. Like really pisses me off. I wish I was there with you, seriously."

I stood quiet for a moment, watching him shift and set his phone across from him. I loved that he was on my side and wanted to be here with me. It would’ve helped tremendously but i didn’t know how to thank him enough for being my support system this time. I swallowed back my feelings and tried to show how much he meant to me in a different way. "I've been smoking menthols because of you." I finally whispered.

"Ooohhhh you're in love with me now. That's a sign."

"W-what?" My eyes went wide instantly and so did his.

"U-uh...joking. Totally joking. Um...but I guess I'm influencing you."

I kept my face hidden as I wanted to scream at all my romantic emotions that were starting to surface. “S-shut up.”

“Um...anyway...what’s going on? Today, i mean.” He said trying to change the subject instantly.

“I don’t know. My head is kinda fuzzy. It feels like i’m just floating in and out. I feel guilty about so many things and I just keep thinking about my grandpa.” I was kicking myself as the tears started flowing again. I was starting to think that I was turning into the sea with how much I had cried. I apologized to him, feeling stupid for taking up our time with my whining and ugly sobs. He kept telling me that he didn’t care and would spend all night watching me cry if he had to. He reminded me of when I told him it was okay to cry and his empathy just made me ache for him even more. “I miss you…” I hiccuped. I just wanted his comfort, his warmth, his everything.

He sniffled and cleared his throat. “I miss you too…you know you have to be there. It’s going to be okay.”

“He’s gonna die Johnny. I know it. I visited him today at the hospital and my mom and my aunts just keep putting this weird bandaid on it. They keep thinking he’s going to bounce back and be able to take care of the house and my grandma and he wont. He literally wont. I don’t know why they won’t just fuckin’ say it.”

“They’re scared, Eri. They’re losing one of their parents. It’s always going to be scary.”

“I know that but I hate being the only fucking rational one here. It’s driving me insane. Just look at him and say he’s going to die! He’s just going to die, Johnny. He’s going to…” There were more tears then and more shoving of my head into the pillow. I felt like I was annoying him but that was just my anxiety and over thinking talking.

“Baby, look at me, ok?” His voice was like warm honey. I peeked up at him and rubbed viciously at my eyes. “When you come back, i’ll be here for you ok? It’s going to be hard but I’ll help you get through this. And so will Quinn and stupid ass Lucas and all your other friends.”

I cracked a small smile, really wishing that I could be back home with them. “I know…I-” Suddenly my mom burst into my room in hysterics. It happened. It finally happened and I almost breathed a sigh of relief. The wait and suffering was over and for  a small window of time it felt ok. I turned back to Johnny, seeing our video get pixelated a bit. “I have to go. I-I’ll talk to you later, ok?!” I ended the call and ran out to the living room. Everyone was frantically trying to get themselves together to head to the hospital. I stood staring at the chaos, unmoving and numb. It hit like a ton of bricks then and I realized that after all this build up I couldn’t do it. I returned to my room, barricading myself in as I was unable to cope with anything else. I had to find a way out of here but I was so broke and I knew my mom wouldn't pay for me to leave. She would force me to stay even longer and I couldn't do that. She was already banging at my door to come out of my room and get into the car.

I just screamed that I didn't want to go to the hospital and curled up in the corner of the room. I immediately dialed Quinn's number and begged them to please buy me a plane ticket. They didn't hesitate one bit but the earliest they could get me something was three days from now. A lot of the flights were booked, some overbooked even. I accepted it as I would take anything I could get at this point. Once the commotion in the house died down I packed my bag and called Mari to pick me up. I convinced her to let me hide out in her house and not say a word to my family. I lied to my mom that I was already back home and ignored the rest of her calls until the day came where I could finally leave this fucking island.

When the plane landed I was hit with the icy winter air that I didn't miss at all. Quinn was waiting for me to arrive with open arms. I squeezed them as tight as I could, needing that familiar feeling of safety that I hadn't been able to experience recently. They took one look at me and I could see sadness written all over their face. I didn't know if I should start talking and I was sure they didn't know if they should ask anymore questions about what happened. Instead, the two of us decided silence was better and got into my car that they had driven up to the airport. I fell asleep almost immediately. I was so exhausted and ready to never wake up again. When we arrived home, Quinn refused to let me stay in my room by myself. I wanted to protest but i had zero energy to do so. Instead I followed them to their room. They probably assumed that with my disheveled appearance and urgent phone call that I might have been on the verge of hurting myself. I didn't blame them, the thought had popped into my mind a few times since the beginning of the week but I was able to settle down since then. We snuggled close, burying ourselves under their heavy comforter and holding each other's hands. I squeezed tight and prayed that this feeling would go away soon. With only the sound of our breathing to comfort me I was starting to fall asleep again but the solitude was interrupted by aggressive banging on our front door. Quinn shot up quickly, asking me to stay behind while they investigated. I was worried to let them go by themselves, wondering what danger could be lurking behind the door within my paranoia. It fizzled once I heard Jaehyun's deep voice fill up the living room with frantic worry. He was talking so fast that I couldn’t make out what he was saying but it seemed to be important. I tiptoed out of the room to meet them both.

“Jae! Jae! You have to calm down! Slow down! We’re going to figure this out together!”

“Don’t tell me to calm down Quinn! I can’t help it!” His eyes caught mine and he barreled over to me, gripping my shoulders tight. “Eri! You need to help me! Johnny is missing!”

--

Jaehyun’s POV

It had been three days but I felt like I had realized it all too late. After I had made Johnny file the restraining order we went back home. He remained distant, which I expected so I let him be. He had gone through so much that night I figured he needed some time alone to clear his mind. I didn't think much of it when he said he was going to stay in his room to try and sleep. Everything seemed ok. The next day I didn’t see him around campus or at the apartment. I assumed it was just maybe because of our schedules. The day after I sent him a text and checked his room periodically- still nothing. His car had disappeared too. That was when I felt a pang of panic; something was definitely wrong. My dozens and dozens of calls and texts had gone unanswered, none of our friends had seen him, his jobs weren’t aware of anything. It was like he ghosted out of existence which made my heart drop into my stomach. I could only pray that he was ok but all the negative thoughts were infiltrating my mind like a raid. I was pacing frantically throughout our apartment trying to figure out some sort of plan but it was no use. I needed help. That was when Quinn popped into my head.

I sped over to her apartment and in no time I was slamming my fists on the door, anxiously waiting. She opened it, confused to see me. “Jae? What’s going-”

“I need your help! I need your help really really really badly. Something happened to Johnny and I don't know what else to do. I’m freaking out here. What if he’s dead? What if like someone killed him? What if-”

“Jae! Jae! You have to calm down! Slow down! We’re going to figure this out together!”

“Don’t tell me to calm down Quinn! I can’t help it!” I heard a door open and looked up to see Eri. She looked like a fucking mess but if Johnny wouldn’t respond to me then maybe he would respond to her. I rushed over and grabbed her by her shoulders. “Eri! You need to help me! Johnny is missing!”

"W-what do you mean he's missing?!" She asked, completely stunned.

"I haven't seen him in three days. He hasn't answered my texts or calls. No one else has seen him. Have you heard from him?"

She shook her head. "I've been out of the states and I just got back. I haven’t been able to talk to him either. I wasn’t really able to pay attention to my phone for awhile. Y-you don't think he'd h-h-hurt himself, do you?"

I swallowed hard. I really didn’t know the answer to that question. "I hope to all hell not."

"Give me your keys to the apartment." Eri said suddenly.

"What? Why? He's not there!"

"Just trust me! I'm going to check something out. You get anyone who wants to help to start searching his normal spots. We need to check everywhere. If anything file a missing persons report."

"E-Eri wait!" Quinn interjected. "You just got back and with everything that's happened I don't know if it's safe for you to be alone."

Eri tightened her hand into a fist at her side and I noticed one was covered in bandages. Was everything going to hell and a handbasket with these two? "Look I can't lose anyone else. I always have to do everything myself and I'm gonna find him. Give me the keys, Jae."

I dug into the pocket of my jeans and tossed them over to her. She seemed determined and seemed to be way more prepared than I was. Quinn held onto my arm tight as Eri grabbed her coat and car keys. "Eri! Please be careful!” Quinn shouted. Eri left then, slamming the door shut behind her. Quinn wrapped her arms around me suddenly, burying her face in my stomach. "Jae, now i'm really worried. What's going on?"

"I have to tell you something important. There's so much and I'm so so scared to lose him, Quinn. He's my best friend. He's the only family I have here." My throat started to feel scratchy and I realized that I was on the verge of tears. I never really cried like this- it was so strange. I mean of course I was worried but I guess with everything hitting me it stirred up feelings about Johnny that I hadn't thought about in awhile. "He's been there for me since I came over from Korea. Like he's helped me with so much. What am I gonna do without him?" I rubbed my eyes, trying to push back tears that were coming through against my will.

She squeezed me tighter. "Jae, it's going to be ok. We're gonna figure this all out. I promise." She stood on her tip toes and I bent down to kiss her gently. "Tell me what happened…"

I sighed and sniffled a little bit, wiping my nose with the back of my hoodie sleeve. "I, uh, Rixi came back. Remember her?

Quinn nodded.

"Well she told Johnny she was pregnant."

"WHAT?!"

"Don't worry, she isn't. I forced her to take tests in front of us so she wouldn't be able to lie but all the manipulation and shit got to Johnny. He kept breathing weird and I didn't know what to do. I just tried my best to protect him, you know? He'd do that for me and then I made him file a restraining order. After that we went home and he said he wanted to be alone. I figured it was just because everything was hitting him at once and he couldn’t really catch a break. I didn’t think much of it but now he’s been gone for so long that I can't help but think of the worst." I returned her hug, squeezing her tiny body desperately to mine. "She raped him, Quinn...that's what Johnny said. I didn't know- I couldn't help…"

"Jaehyun, don't ever say that. You do not blame yourself and put all that guilt on you. You've helped Johnny more than anyone and there's no way he doesn't appreciate it. You're a good friend and a good brother. There's a lot to process when something like that happens...it’s just...it's not easy." She pushed my hair back and kissed my temple. Her words calmed me down a little even though I still felt the guilt. I just wanted to know that my friend was okay.

"Look," she continued. "Eri is going through a lot too. I know how it feels when you think you can't help but some things are just out of our hands. We have to trust that they can find him and we have to work on our end too."

"What if Rixi came back and did something to him?" I suddenly thought. I rushed into more panic and boiling anger.

"Focus Jae. We can’t think of something that terrible right now. We can check her place though since it’s a possibility. I can get Lucas and maybe Yuta to help and they can start there. You call the police and I’ll try and get them to help and check in on Eri, ok?

I nodded, glad that she was able to be my voice of reason. "Quinn….I-I don't really know what I'd do without you…"

She smiled. "Well duh, I'm amazing." She gave me another kiss and I cupped her face, loving the feeling of her soothing warmth against me. It was kind of odd how a few months could change the entirety of your view on something. We were both throwing ourselves at other people almost nightly, losing ourselves in a last ditch effort to forget all the bullshit that surrounded our lives. I could forget that facade I constantly was putting up about being likeable and unafraid in America. I had been here for years already but I still felt out of place. Quinn could forget the devastation that laid in the wake from their parents casting them aside for something greater. Weird how fucking someone's brains out could turn into nights of cuddling and talking about shit that hurt you until you felt so raw inside that the only thing that could comfort you was that other person.

I wanted to stay wrapped up in my safe cocoon with her but we had to get down to business. Johnny's life could be in danger and I would be damned if I gave up too soon.

--

Johnny's POV

My body felt so cramped after spending all that time driving. I didn't really want to be home but I knew I had to continue my life here no matter how much I hated it. I opened the door to the apartment and dropped my duffel bag on to the floor, letting out a sigh of relief. I noticed there was a light on in my room and all kinds of shuffling sounds.

"Jae?" I called out. The noise stopped for a second and I took a tentative step closer to find out what was lurking behind my door. It swung back to reveal the person I had wanted to see most for the past week. They sprinted into my arms, making me stumble back. "Eri! Baby! You're-"

They parted from me for a second to land a few whacks to my chest. "Don't ever EVER scare us like that again!!!"

"Wait, what?"

"Johnny you gave us all heart attacks! Where the fuck were you?! I swear to God I'm going to kill you!!!"

"Eri, baby, what are you talking about?!"

"You didn't answer anyone's calls or texts! You got Jae damn near crying over not being able to find you! I come back tonight to him saying that you’re missing and the first thought I had was that…" They swallowed hard and I could feel the hurt in their voice. "That you were dead.”

Shit. I pulled them back into my arms and squeezed them like my life depended on it.

"Johnny, please I can't lose anyone else. I can't. I'm not strong enough for that."

"I'm here. I'm right here, Eri. I'm not going anywhere."

I felt like an irresponsible idiot. At the time escaping back to Chicago felt like it was the best thing to do. I needed to get away from the bullshit that was haunting me. It felt like this town was just suffocating me dry. I needed a break, something to clear my mind and get me back on track. My first thought, of course, was to go see my mom. The look of pure love in her eyes when she saw me made my fears melt away in an instant. I held onto her as tightly as I was holding onto Eri now. I had spent the last three days with her eating a ton of her home cooked food and watching my baby videos on our ancient VHS player. She wouldn't let me live down running around the house naked during a party when I was a toddler. I've never laughed so much in my life and it felt good to not feel like an empty void.

We had serious talks too. I asked her not to judge and spilled out almost everything I could about my hookups ("Do you use condoms?" Yes Mom, "Do you get tested?" YES MOM), totally avoiding how much weed I smoked, and poured my heart out over Eri. Everything from how I felt when I first saw them at the party, to when I decked Matt in the face for hurting them, to realizing that maybe it wasn't just sex anymore and it was something bigger, to knowing that after all this time I was in love with them but I was still scared. I didn't want to be like my dad, and I was still stuck on trauma (I disguised my assaults under "bad relationships" as I wasn't ready to dive that deep yet), and that there were parts of me that felt like I didn't deserve love.

She cried then, hating that her only child felt so bleak and meaningless as if it was her fault. It wasn't of course and it would never be. If anything she had saved me more than once in my lifetime and I was forever grateful. She told me that I needed to stop being so afraid of Eri and that I needed to just tell them how much I loved them and I honestly wished it was that simple. There was still too much holding me back and things I had to work through before I even considered being with them. I didn't want to be a drugged out mess or a mentally unstable shit for brains who dumped everything on their significant other. I at least knew I wanted to be a better person before I took that final step. It was just so fucking hard and there were times that I felt like I would never be good enough for Eri.

Now that I was back in Eri's arms I felt like I needed to be the strong one for them. They were disappearing before my eyes and I had to be their protector. I had worried them and everyone else after all and it was the least I could do.

"I thought you killed yourself." They sobbed. "We all thought the worst- the absolute fucking worst."

"Nooo, noooo. I wouldn't do that. I went back home. I needed to see my mom and get some time away from it all. Im sorry. I'm so sorry…" I didn't know what else to say. The guilt was setting in and I realized the consequences of my actions now. I didn't regret skipping out but I did regret worrying them. Especially after everything they had been through which by the looks of it had only gotten worse.

They cupped my face weakly. “I just don’t want to think of the bad things anymore, Johnny. It’s scaring me. My heart hurts so bad and everything is a mess in my brain. I don’t feel right.” They admitted.

I kissed them then, like they were the only thing I needed to breathe. I couldn't let them go now. I kept them plastered to me, forcing our breaths to disappear into one another. The moment we parted I looked down at them, pushing their hair back gently and seeing the remnants of stitches by their temple. My heart started beating faster. They never told me about this. I was scared that an argument with their mom turned to worse and they got hurt. I noticed the bandages on their hand too finally and jumped into a panic. "Eri, what hap-"

Suddenly they slumped in my arms, almost collapsing to the floor but I managed to catch them. "Jesus, fuck!" Now I really had no idea what was going on. They were breathing thankfully, almost steady but shallow breaths. I carried them to the couch, propping their head on a pillow before rushing over to my bag to turn on my phone. I called Jae immediately. My phone was slowing down because of all of the text messages and missed calls but it managed to start ringing.

"JOHNNY!! FUCK, HOLY FUCK, YOURE OK!!" He screamed instantly.

"Yeah! Yeah! I’m fine! Look, something happened to Eri. I’m at the apartment, can you bring Quinn asap?!"

"One, I'm going to kill you. Two, I need the both of you to stop being drama vortexes and sucking everyone into messes; like can y'all please chill for one day?? Three, we'll be there in five."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Please just come over!"

"We are. We're leaving right now….Johnny?"

"What?"

"I love you, bro."

I exhaled softly. "I love you too."

We hung up then and I sat on the floor beside the couch trying to see if I could wake Eri up. I tapped their face and shook them, fanned some air with my hand and even kissed them as if some Disney magic was going to take over. I was desperate at this point and had no idea what else I could do. I held onto their hand squeezing it tight and begging them to wake up soon. It wasn’t long before Jae and Quinn came into the apartment. He rushed over to me, practically slamming into me with a hug. He squeezed me tight and I held onto him, wanting him to know it was okay. “It’s cool, Jae. I’m here. I’m not leaving again.”

“Yeah you better fuckin’ not, douchebag.” He rubbed at his eyes and sniffled a bit. “I’m over trying to take care of you, you know?!”

“I know, it’s supposed to be the other way around but I’m pretty sure you like bossing your hyung around though.”

“I only do it because my hyung is a damn idiot!” He hugged me again which made me laugh.

“Stop being a baby. We’ve got bigger things to worry about now.” I smiled at him and ruffled his peachy hair. Suddenly, Quin shoved us both aside to get to Eri. Jae and I stumbled back and let Quinn hover over Eri. She was already starting to cry and fuss over them, about as clueless as I was as to what was going on.

“What the hell did you do, Johnny?!” She barked.

“Me?! I didn’t do anything! We were-uh- we were just talking and suddenly they collapsed!”

“Why didn’t you call an ambulance?!”

“They were breathing and I panicked and called you first! I think they passed out but i’m not sure!”

“You’re a complete fucking idiot! I swear to god. Go get me some water. Jae lift their legs up a bit." She turned to mumbling. "Have to do everything around here."

I sighed and went to the kitchen to comply with Quinn’s demands. Jae lifted Eri's legs, sitting on the arm rest and patiently waiting. "Do you still want me to call an ambulance?" I set the glass of water on the coffee table and stood on the opposite side of the couch.

Quinn sighed. "No, you were right, I think they just fainted. We could call the ambulance but I don't know how they hurt themselves. If it was self inflicted then they're going to put them on suicide watch or institutionalize them. After everything that's happened I doubt it would help. They're not fun."

"Do you think she would hurt herself like that?" Jae asked.

"They have, in the past. It's a possibility but I hope it's not true. They were worried about me committing suicide but now I guess the tables have turned." I said solemnly. I leaned over to kiss them again still hoping I could enact some princely magic.

Quinn stared at me for a moment. "Are you gonna finally tell them that you love them?"

"Uh, do you really think that now's the time to be asking that?"

She pursed her lips tight. "They just need somebody. I mean I'm here and will always be here for them but it's a lot for me to make sure they're okay all the time."

"I am gonna be there for them but it also doesn't mean that I'm suddenly in love with them. Friends help friends all the time. That's what you're doing now isn't it?" I said with a bit of bite. Now seemed like the absolute worst time to say it. I didn't want Eri to associate any feelings I had with sadness or depression. It wasn't really great to have the codependency going on. Just like I wanted to be in the right headspace before I jumped the gun, I wanted it to be the same for them. They needed to heal and recover- physically, mentally, emotionally. I just wanted things to be better.

"Whatever. Just man up and do it already."

"Quinn, don't blame Johnny for anything." Jae stepped in. "Nothing is any of our faults. People came into our lives and fucked things up and it's hard on us all. I know you're upset but we have to focus on taking care of Eri."

"Everyone has been hurting them. Every moment for them has been terrible this past week and I just want them to be ok!" Quinn covered her face, trying to block out a round of tears. "Eri, will you just wake up!"

As if on cue they stirred slightly, taking a few seconds to open their eyes and look around. All of our attention went to them as they tried to sit up. I grabbed onto their shoulders. "Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. Take it easy." I said softly.

"What happened?" They asked.

"We think you passed out. Here, drink some water." Quinn said as she grabbed the glass.

I helped prop Eri up and they reached out for the glass with a shaky hand. The water was gone in seconds and it looked a bit more hopeful to getting them on the mend. I stayed on the other armrest and slipped my arm to rest on the back of the couch. "What the hell happened down there?"

They sighed deeply as if opening the wounds again was going to deal more damage than necessary. "It was hell. We were preparing for his death but my family was also ignoring that he was going to die at the same time. It created this weird vibe in the house. I had to do everything while I was there. Cook, clean, go shopping, take care of my sister, go to the hospital. I didn't sleep. I barely ate. Barely kept up with myself. My mom and I were arguing all the time over any little thing. She told me I was treating this like a vacation when I said I wanted to go to the beach. I was being treated like a child. I'm fucking 21 for Christ's sake. Anyway, I snuck out to a bar with Dani and my cousin Mari and got mostly hammered. My mom found out, we had another argument and when I got home, I don't know. I blanked out and collapsed. I hit my head on the pavement, hence the-" They notioned at the bandage above their temple. "From the sound of it I think I had a giant panic attack that lasted hours. I remember bits and pieces. Mostly vomiting and crying. I guess with my disorientation I ended up hitting my hand on the sink cabinet or something, which is how my knuckles busted. Then the next day we got the call that he died. I didn't want to go to the funeral or be around my family anymore. I called Quinn and they got me a plane ticket and then first thing I hear when I get back is that Johnny's missing."

Quinn shot a glare at me and I felt a cold shiver run down my spine. I was aware of what damaged I added and didn’t need to be reminded. “I’m just so sleepy and hungry and want to drink. Like, regular fluids not alcohol.”

“I can go get you food, I’m sure some fast food place is still open or I can go to the supermarket.” Quinn said.

Eri just nodded and yawned. “I’m sorry for worrying you.” They fell to the side, their head falling into Jae’s lap as he had slipped down onto the couch. Quinn and I stared at Jae and he immediately put his hands up to defend his innocence.

“Uh...I don’t know what to do.” He said.

“Just leave them there. They can sleep for a bit while Johnny and I get stuff. Just watch over them, ok?” Quinn commanded.

“Wait we’re going together?” I asked. I had never actually been alone with Quinn before and at this point I was afraid she was going to murder me.

“Yes, get your ass in gear. We’ve got shit to do.” She headed towards the front door and snapped at me to follow. I sighed and got up taking one last look at Jae and Eri. “Just...make sure nothing drastic happens again.”

He nodded. “Yes, yes, I heard Quinn the first time! I got this. I won’t let anything happen to your girlfriend.”

“She isnt my-”

“JOHNNY!”

“I’M COMING!” I yelled back to Quinn. I was reluctant to leave Eri but it had to be done. I hadn’t even had a chance to take off my coat so I sprinted after Quinn, closing the door shut behind me. “You know, I really didn’t mean to make them worry like that, or any one else for that matter.”

She whipped around and shoved her finger into my chest. “Well good fucking job, you did it anyway. You knew what they were going through and still decided to be a selfish prick!”

“Don’t you think I fucking feel guilty already?! Like sure, I didn't handle it as well as I should’ve and i should’ve at least told Jae but I didn’t want to speak to anyone. My literal abuser came back to make my life a living hell because, I don’t know, it’s her favorite fuckin’ game I guess. I couldn’t deal with it. I had to go home and just...center myself again.”

“I know what it’s like to have an abuser come back into you life. Trust me. But you can’t fucking block people out and then expect shit to be ok!”

“I know it’s not ok! All I do is block everyone out. That’s my thing! I already know it’s bad, what the fuck do you want me to do about it?!”

“UH, I DONT KNOW, HOW ABOUT YOU DONT FUCKING DO IT?”

“UH, I DON’T KNOW, WHY DON’T YOU MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS?” I shouted back. “I know you’re pissed off because Eri’s hurt and I didn’t help it but yelling at me isnt going to fuckin’ magically fix everything that’s going on in my head and it’s not going to magically fix Eri wanting to die.”

“Don’t you think I know that?! You’re just- you’re so stupid! Sometimes I wish they never met you because all you do is play games with them and make them cry and you’re just shit all around!”

“I’m shit all around? As if you're so fucking perfect with Jae! There's been plenty of times that he's complained about you and you still do dumb shit to him!"

"We're not even dating! Besides, I always have to clean up your mess and pick up the pieces you leave behind."

"You don't know shit, Quinn. You don't know what we talk about or what we've done together. I care about them, more than anything."

"Then start fucking showing it, Johnny. Get your ass to the car. I'm done with you."

"You're just lashing out on me because you're scared and worried about them and I really don't need your bullshit."

"And I don't need yours. Glad we're on the same damn page." She stepped out of the building and into the parking lot, waiting for me to unlock my car. Both of us got in, slamming the doors and keeping an angered silence between us. This definitely was the last thing I needed. I was halfway tempted to leave her at the supermarket or wherever the fuck we we're going. She was lucky that I cared about Jae's feelings enough to be semi civil. I grabbed my carton of cigarettes from my coat pocket and lit one as I spurred on the engine. It was already becoming one hell of a long night.

--

Eri's POV

I woke up again though I wasn't really sure how long I had slept this time. I shifted and felt scratchy denim against my cheeks and wondered what I was laying on. I looked up and saw Jaehyun leaning back against the couch, messing around on his phone. I realized that I was laying on his lap and sat up quickly, a little too quickly as my head started spinning. “Whoa, you ok?” he asked.

I held onto my head as I tried to steady myself. “Yeah uh…why was I laying on you?”

“Dude, hell if I know. You just kinda passed out on me and I wasn’t allowed to move. That’s been your fave past time since you got back. Johnny and Quinn are getting you food and I’m babysitting.”

“Oh...great wonderful. This isn’t awkward at all.”

“I mean your head was legit on my dick. I’m not sure what you expected.”

“Don’t speak with me. I do not want to think about that.”

“Neither do I but here we are...also I think Quinn and Johnny are going to kill each other.”

“What? Fuck...i dont need them fighting. What happened?” I sighed deeply, knowing how protective and defensive Quinn could be over me.

"I think Quinn is blaming Johnny for making you worry more after everything that's happened to you."

"Jesus, it's fine. I mean I'm just happy that he wasn't hurt or lost. Honestly, it's the best news I've gotten all week. I know they don't exactly like each other but they don't need to blame Johnny for anything."

"That's what I tried to say but she's like a rabid mother bear about you. She wasn't really interested in hearing me out. I'm not saying what Johnny did was right but I can understand where he was coming from. Rixi fucked him up royally."

"Rixi? What happened with Rixi?"

"Oh right...she tried to trick Johnny into thinking she was pregnant to rope him into another relationship. It was a fucking mess and I had to threaten her just to have her leave him alone. He disappeared after that."

"Are you…" I didn't even know where to fucking begin. How could she even think that she would get away with that?! I balled my hands into fists not even giving into the pain in my knuckles. If I hadn't been gone I would've done much worse than whatever it was that Jae did. She wouldn't be alive. "No one is going to hurt him ever again. I fucking swear it."

"We feel the same about that then. I've never been so pissed off in my life. That's literally my family and you dont mess with my family. Trust me, I wanted to kill her too."

"It's just one thing after a fucking nother isn't it?" I scoffed as it was almost comical. "She's lucky I wasnt here."

He gently but awkwardly patted my shoulder. "I know. I'm kinda glad you weren't too...can't really bail someone out of jail for murder." He smiled at me and I realized why Quinn kept running back to him. Holy fuck, that smile was gorgeous. I felt my cheeks starting to warm up and I really didn't know why. Was it because he looked absolutely stunning or because I was embarrassed that I found my best friend's almost boyfriend attractive?

"U-uh...um...yes. Murder. I mean I would've murdered her. Not jail. No."

He looked at me a bit confused and even I had no idea what I was trying to say. "Anyway, uh…" he continued. "I'm sorry about your grandpa and all the other stuff you had to go through."

"Thanks, Jae. It means a lot. Seriously."

"You want like...a hug?"

"Slow your roll, homie. We're not there yet." I cringed away from him.

"Thank God. Ok. They should be back soon though. I'll text Quinn."

I nodded and stood up slowly. "Tell Johnny I'll be in his room. I don't think I can stay up for long periods of time."

Jae stood up along with me. "Can you walk by yourself yet?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry." I waved him off and shuffled to Johnny's room. It was still a mess from when I had been rifling through his drawers to try and find anything that might be a semblance of a suicide note. I ignored the mess completely and laid face down, getting caught up in the scent that lingered on his sheets. I pulled his comforter over me, settling into the warmth perfectly. I dug my phone out of the pocket of my hoodie and texted him.

Come back

I set my phone beside my head and closed my eyes, waiting for him to return. I didn't have to wait long because the next thing I heard was the door snapping shut. I peeked my head up from under the covers and looked at him. His arms were filled with fast food bags and a giant gallon of apple juice to which he dumped beside me. He chuckled off his coat and set himself in bed against the bedroom wall. "Can I kill your fucking best friend?"

I sighed and sat up. "Jae told me you two were fighting…"

"She fucking started it. I already feel like shit for making everyone worry but I had to shut myself off from the world, like it had to be done. I'm sorry it happened at such a shitty time in your life but bullshit happened in mine too. Like fuck! No offensive but my world doesn't revolve around you. I care about you, for real, but I'm trying to make myself a better person!"

I nudged the covers off as I scooted towards him to kiss him gently. "I don't blame you for anything Johnny. Don't you dare feel guilty over me. We're both going through shit. I'm happy you want to try and focus on yourself. Really happy and proud."

He sighed and set his hands on my waist, pulling me between his thighs. "It's fucked up, it's all fucked up." He whispered.

I nodded as I set my forehead against his, kissing him in an act of comfort. My hands trailed up his chest to rest on his shoulders and just as I was going to trace his bottom lip with my tongue he pulled away. "Eri." He said in his usual slightly dominant way. "Not now, you have to eat first. It's more important."

Not that I was making grand decisions in my current state of mind but a kiss or two or eight wouldn't have been so bad at this moment. I pouted as I sat back and set my legs over his thighs. He handed me one of the fast food bags which was filled with whatever he had ordered me. I hoped it wasn't something I hated, though if he went with Quinn I was sure they'd be able to tell him my usual. The scent of greasy fries and fried chicken hit my nostrils and I realized how starving I actually was. Because I had to do so much around my grandma's house I barely got to eat, even during the few days that she cooked. Her carribean food was the absolute best but I didn't have much of an appetite to keep it all down. Now that this junk was presented to me I shoveled it down in big bites. He watched me eat, his lips pressed together with a pensive look on his face. He seemed to have something on his mind and starting at me as I ate wasn't really easing my anxiety. "What?" I asked mid chew.

He opened his mouth, preparing himself to say what was on his mind, then closed it. I nudged at his side with my foot and told him just to get on with it. He took a deep breath before starting. "Quinn said we should take you to a hospital to get you checked out but was afraid that if doctors saw your injuries they might think it would've been self harm. I'm sure we could make up an excuse but she didn't want them to possibly institutionalize you."

I swallowed the food that remained in my mouth hard. "Abso fucking lutely not. I'm not going to any hospital and I'm for damn sure not getting turned in. Been there, done that, came out much worse. I'll stay here and work through whatever it is that's going on. I'll get better."

"Yeah but what if it doesn't get better and you have a serious illness?"

"Johnny, I'm not gonna die from not taking care of myself for a week. I just need rest. Don't be so dramatic."

"I'm not being fucking dramatic. I'm just saying…" He rubbed at his temple, closing his eyes for a moment. "If it does get worse, please promise me you'll go to get checked out? Please?"

"Yeah," I said defeated. "But not now, ok? I can't be in a hospital and I don't want to see IVs or monitors or anything." He seemed understanding of my answer and leaned forward to gently wipe my cheek of tomato juices from the sandwich with the back of his thumb. The look in his eyes held sadness and protectiveness and I was sure that even if I tried to deny him he would still find a way to make me go, even if it was just to urgent care.

He placed a tender kiss on my forehead. "I know, babe. I know." I didn't want to talk about hospitals anymore so I turned back to eating, making him follow suit. He swallowed down a few fries of his own before cracking open the apple juice and taking a swig. He then handed it over to me. "I got you some Gatorade too but I figured this could help with your sugar." I took it graciously and gulped down half of the bottle as my throat still felt like a desert. "I'm thinking about staying home from work for the next couple of days to watch over you.” He continued.

I choked on the liquid mid swallow and almost spat it out. Take care of me? He wanted to stay at home to be with me all day? “Johnny, you don’t have to do that…” I said, still unbelieving to his offer. “I have Quinn and this isn't anything serious enough for you to monitor me 24/7. I’m not dying and i’m not gonna try anything, i swear.”

He took a bite from his burger, stalling his response a bit  “I still want to do it.” He swallowed. “It’s not a big deal. You can stay here.”

“Um...don’t you think that’s a little...personal?” God, it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever wanted to do for me. He cared that much to stay home and take care of me, watch over me, and possibly smother me with forehead kisses. In reality, I wanted to accept the offer right away but I was still in defense mode given the constant replay in my head of him screaming that I would never be his girlfriend. Of course, it wouldn't be Johnny without those mixed signals of jealousy and possessiveness when I hung out with Josue at the quinceanera. If I did agree to stay with him it would get too intimate. Not exactly on a sexual level but on an emotional and mental one. That would be absolutely detrimental to my health and a definite hazard to dance around.

“Well, i mean...it would be the same as Quinn taking care of you because we’re friends, ya know?” He dipped his eyes down towards his sandwich as he didn't say more, or rather was holding back from saying anything else. My brain latched onto that word again. Friends. It was starting to become the most hated word in my vocabulary.

“Right.” I had to agree in order to not confess my feelings but my bad decisions were already getting the best of me. Through my already pain filled existence I craved to have my heart broken again. So I agreed to his offer. “I guess that would be fine. I’ll probably be asleep most of the time though so it’ll be pretty boring.”

“It’s alright. I need to get some sleep too. Haven't had much success lately. Night terrors are back again.”

I ached when he said that. With Rixi showing up again I was sure it had resurfaced some sort of PTSD reaction because of the damage she caused. Coupled with the absolute terror of being a potential father, I was sure his anxiety was making him roll down hill at the speed of light. I extended my pinky out to him. “I’m sorry…” I whispered. There wasn't much else to say at that point but I was sure he knew that I was 100% by his side. He linked his pinky within mine, squeezing a bit. I held up the gallon of juice between us. “Here’s to being fucked up.” I said, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

He ignored my quip and instead leaned forward, bypassing the gallon completely to crush his lips against mine. I almost got knocked backwards by his intensity that made my heart stop in its place. I secured the gallon inside the gap of my crossed legs and held onto his shoulder to try and steady us both. I hated how much I needed him but there was no way to even deny that fact any longer. He was a remedy I shouldn’t have ever relied on but his empathy and secretive caring nature generated value to the way he made me feel. It didn't matter how happy or sad he made me, my heart would still forever be the casualty. He parted from me then, for just a fraction of a second, his lips still hovering above mine. “Here’s to always being fucked up.”

--

It took a couple of days to feel like a functioning human instead of a hibernating zombie. I rebuilt my body's tolerance to fluids and electrolytes, getting them into my system as fast as possible. Eventually, I was able to regain a bit of energy and not spend so much time sleeping. I continued to devour every meal he brought to me as well. When I felt like I was able to move around without feeling dizzy or collapsing I would leave Johnny's room to join him in the shower or snuggle up on the couch and watch him play video games. Staying with him was even better than I thought it would be. I did get all the forehead kisses I craved but also all sorts of gentle kisses as well. He even liked to rest his head on mine as we cuddled. It was a paradise I didn't want to leave. I wanted to keep these precious moments in a delicate bubble, protecting it from being popped and exposing me to the harsh reality that we weren’t actually together. I shoved the negatives down as far back as my mind would allow and instead focused on the way he currently felt against my back. He was spooning me as we ended up napping in the middle of the day, a decision we shouldn't have given into but did so nonetheless. He was radiating his usual suffocating body heat with his face buried in the back of my neck. As i woke up fully I realized his hand was cupping my boob beneath one of his giant shirts I slept in.

I wacked at his hand trying to get him to release me, the sneaky little perverted shit. All he did was groan and hook his leg over my hips, partially rolling onto me. I grumbled as I was now smushed between him and the mattress, his hand still on my chest. "Johnny. Get up."

He remained still and heavy. I tried wriggling back against him, lifting my hips in an attempt to get his weight off me. He started to stir then but with a reaction I wasn't trying to receive. He started grinding into my ass, slowly but surely working himself up. I gasped in shock and vowed that when I scrambled from beneath him he was gonna get it. "Johnathan if you don't get off me right now I'm going to murder you."

I could feel his smile on my skin and I knew he was awake and just wanting to get a rise out of me. I puffed out a sigh and remained a pancake, ready to surrender. "You're going to smush the life out of me." I complained. As much as I loved how much bigger he was compared to me, breathing was pretty cool too.

He chuckled then, raspy, deep, and laced with hours of sleep. "I like crushing you and pissing you off."

My cheeks warmed at how utterly seductive the change in tone could make him sound. "Y-yeah well...you won't like it when I get back at you."

"What are you gonna do, suffocate me with your tits? Sit on my chest? By all means be my guest." He said slyly.

I wiggled my hips again. "Oooofffff. Please?" I begged

He responded with a grunt as his hand gripped my hip tightly. He steadied them and made sure I wasn't able to move. "Stop that."

"Then stop squishing me, you big werewolf! You're hot and making me sweaty."

He pulled away and rolled onto his back. “Fine, little brat.”

“Hmph, you started it.” I stretched myself out after having been cramped up against him for who knows how many hours. My back and shoulders popped and I sighed in relief before turning over to face him. I placed a kiss on the cheek and set my head on his shoulder. “We really weren’t supposed to fall asleep again.”

“Fuck it. We need it.”

“Do we? We slept like 12 hours the other day. Even though sleeping is my fave hobby we should probably like...breathe fresh air at some point.”

“No way.” He said, digging his fingers into my hair and scratching lightly against my scalp. “It’s warm in here and cold outside. I don't want to leave.”

I set my hand on his stomach rubbing the thin trail of hair there. “Ok, you drive a hard bargain.” I giggled and pulled myself even closer, this time planting a kiss on his lips. He smiled into the kiss while edging himself onto his side. His stomach pressed against mine and he rested his hand on my lower back. The kisses started out innocently enough; gentle pecks and the smallest of nibbles in between cute laughs and caresses. It wasn’t clear how the sweet tenderness turned into rushed clashes of tongues and teeth but neither of us were pulling away just yet. I felt his body digging into me as the hand on my back slipped lower to harshly grope at my ass. I whimpered against his tongue and tried pulling away to get some air between us but it was almost impossible to escape him. I clutched at his bicep, feeling the muscles flexing beneath my fingertips as he exerted his strength to keep me plastered to his frame.

Eventually, I managed to snap my head back, avoiding a bite to my lip. "J-Johnny," I swallowed harshly as I felt a prodding against my stomach. "You're poking me."

"I'm what?" He lurched his head forward, barely listening to what I was even saying. He was more focused on trying to resume our heavy make out session. I wedged my hand between us to keep him at bay.

"You're uh…poking me."

He stood quiet for a moment until it finally clicked in his head. He shoved himself away completely, leaving a drastic space between us. "Fuck…" He covered his face and groaned. "I'm sorry. You're not feeling good. I shouldn't have done that."

I sat up slowly and re-tied my hair into a chaotic semblance of a bun. " It's okay. I mean, I feel better now than I did when I first got back. I actually have energy. It just happened so fast. I was caught a little off guard."

"I'm super sorry, Eri."

I looked back at him."I guess you missed me that much, huh?" It was mostly a joke to lighten the air around us.

He removed his hands from his face. "It was the first time in almost two weeks that I had felt that again."

"What do you mean?"

"Like... I don't want to say just horny but like, more so comfortable in doing something halfway sexual. I haven't wanted to be touched in a minute." He sighed and propped his knees up, setting his arms on top of them. "We don't have to if you don't want to. Don't feel obligated to. I messed up and got carried away."

I shook my head. "I don't think you messed up at all. I know what you mean...it felt nice to feel that again too. Like that heat, that want, that drive towards something that makes you feel good and happy. The void feels a little smaller when I'm with you."

"Yeah," he chuckled lightly. "Something like that."

I nibbled my lip and looked over at him, tentative of my next move. His eyes caught mine and he leaned into me, accepting me into another kiss. It felt like we were virginal teenagers with how cautious we were being with our bodies now. Our rhythm slowed tremendously as his hands dove beneath his shirt I was wearing and worked upwards. I slid my arms out of it and let him toss it off the side of the bed. I pressed my chest to his, deepening the kiss as my fingers drifted towards the waistband of his sweatpants. I cupped him gently, stroking the outline of his cock through the fabric. The pain was still working through my knuckles but I ignored it, instead distracting myself with how he filled my palm. I circled my thumb over the fabric that covered his tip, pulling a damp stain to the surface. A small groan fell against my tongue and I felt him throb beneath my touch.

He exhaled my name making my thighs clench in anticipation. His hands roamed the expanse of my hips and stomach before easing up to my shoulders. He pushed me down gently and switched his attention to covering my neck with heated licks and fevered nibbles. My eyes drifted closed and my hand traveled to his hair, pushing it back gently as he worked over me. Kissing and rubbing every inch of my body seemed to be his newfound favorite activity and he spent a tremendous amount of time on my stomach and thighs. Having my stomach garner so much attention made me a little uneasy but he wasn't phased by it one bit, even when I tried squirming away. It made me shy to have him give notice to the area that provided me with the most confidence issues. I squeezed my eyes tighter as I tried to ignore my discomfort and focus on the way his thumb rubbed against the small dip of my hip bone.

Him knowing to tease that erogenous zone had my back arching against his frame. He shifted to rest his head between my thighs, wrapping his arms around them and working bites over that special spot. I tugged at his hair gently when the bites became too deep. He was almost breaking skin but sucked deeply to soothe the ache. My masochistic side jumped in excitement at the pain and encouraged it. It made the seat of my panties just a little wetter and my heat stir with desire. I pulled his hair harshly making him part from my hip. When I opened my eyes I saw him lick his gorgeous lips and dip his head towards my hand. His fingers were tattooing bruises into my inner thigh from how hard he was clinging to me and I noticed his hips bucking against the mattress. He was attempting to find solace in attentiveness I hadn't begun to give him just yet. He was placing me on a pedestal above him, wanting to bring me right to the edge before he even thought about entering me.

I pulled him down to my chest and licked from his collarbone, up his neck, over his chin, and finally to his lips. His mouth dropped open as he exhaled a soft breath and allowed my tongue to slide across his. I pulled it into my mouth, sucking it slowly and eagerly. He shifted to press himself between my thighs and moaned into my sinful action. He hovered above me with just enough space to have the damp fabrics between us meet. His hips stirred impatiently into me instead of the mattress now as his hands gripped at the bed sheets beneath me. I sucked on his tongue one last time before switching my tactic to tugging at his bottom lip with my teeth. He pushed himself particularly hard into my wetness as I bit down, making me gasp in surprise and call out his name. I splayed my hands across the center of his back, the small amount of nails that I had we're just enough to start splattering scratches into him.

He dipped his head by my ear and moved his left hand towards the beginnings of my panties. "Is this ok?" He whispered. I nodded quickly, the tense teasing between us almost becoming too much to bear. His middle finger nudged the center of my panties aside and made one smooth stroke from entrance to clit. "Why are you so wet?"

"Do I really have to explain that to you?" I huffed.

"No but...it's just...nevermind." His finger hooked around the panties and we shuffled through the awkwardness of getting them off while trying to remain entangled together. He managed to toss off the rest of his clothes as well, leaving us to see each other for the first time since I left. It had only been a week but it felt like months since we were connected. I smiled as I gazed down his toned torso to his hardness that sprouted from between those devilishly thick thighs. He fumbled with his hair, pushing it back then having it fall back into place. He was waiting for something and I wondered if perhaps he was suddenly having bad memories resurface. I sat up quickly, reaching out to him.

"You ok? Do you need a break?" I asked, concerned. He shook his head and took my hand in his, placing a kiss over my bruised knuckles.

"No, sorry I just blanked out for a second. I felt really nervous to be with you."

"Why? This isn't new for us."

"Yeah but...I don't know. Kinda feels different."

"Like…" I'm in love and if you touch me now I'll hate myself forever and my body will burn into nothingness? If you fuck me slowly and make me think about everything I crave about you I'll feel every part of my soul shatter and beg for more? If you even so much as utter my name with that voice thick with lust I won't stop cumming until you tell me too and I'd cry every step of the way? Yeah, it did feel different when you were in a one sided relationship. “What kind of different?”

He shrugged. “Just...different.” He kissed me, keeping me from prying any further. “Give me a sec, ok?”

I leaned back on my elbows and waited as he retreated to his dresser to get a condom. When we reunited he wrapped my legs around his waist and slipped his arm around my lower back, keeping my slightly lifted. Finally, after a long baited breath I felt him work his way through me, not stopping until he filled me completely. I pressed the back of my hand to my lips, trying not to cry out too loud. He uttered a whispered curse, keeping his body frozen in place as he adjusted to me instantly clamping down on him. It was like I was trying to pull him in deeper though there was no where else he could reach. His first thrust was slow and delicate, letting my mind sink into memories of all the times he'd left me unmeasurably satiated. My thighs crushed the sides of his torso as I tried to give him a signal to continue.

He took his time, brows furrowed in concentration and lips parted to release barely audibly moans and dirty whispers. The arm he had around my waist guided my hips upward, forcing them to roll in time with his movements. The slight angle he kept me at was enough to rattle my pleasure center and hit nerves that sent my brain into a jumbled mess. My hand moved from my lips and instead dragged his pillow to me so I could sink my teeth into it. My breath was just beginning to speed up and soon I felt ruthless bites all over my chest and shoulders. It was strange how he always wanted to mark me and let everyone know he had been with me yet he never claimed me. The brandings thrilled me anyway and I accepted them graciously.

One bite to the shoulder was the signal of his body waivering within his thrusts. He trembled through long pushes and pulls and the arm that supported him met the mattress. With him settling his weight onto me, my legs were pushed to the top of his ribcage where the head of his cock hit deep inside me, reminiscent to our heated fuck on the couch. I wanted that soft brutality again. He was rolling his hips now, his head dipping slightly. I could hear the beginnings of his hush grumbles but my heart slammed into the brakes when I processed what he was saying.

"I love-" he panted.

Oh god.

"I love-" a small grunt and a particularly pleasing pressure to a patch of nerves within me.

Oh god. Oh god.

"Fuck I love the way you feel…"

I almost let out a breath of relief. Of course he wouldn't say those three little words. Of course not, but I seriously needed him to shut up before I blurted it out myself and turned into an embarrassing puddle of pathetic emotions. I shoved him off me, our bodies barely separating as I moved to straddle him. "Just stay quiet." I cupped his jaw in my hand and gave him a flurry of soft pecks. "You know it's my favorite."

"Asshole." He scoffed and nudged his hips upward beneath me. I set my hands back to rest on his calves and let him take in the way he disappeared inside me. His controlling side got the better of him as I barely lasted one bounce before his hands grabbed at my ass, thumbs pressed into my hips, and him guiding me towards a more fluid motion. I could feel his almost predatory gaze boring into me; taking in the few droplets of sweat that made my edges damp, the stickiness of my cum spread between us both, and the way my chest jerked lewdly. His nails burrowed into my plush skin, carving marks that made me hiss.

He moved one hand between us to add pressure to my clit and yet it was almost like every bit of pleasure was ripped away from me.

How could you do this?

This soon? He's not even in the ground yet and you're fucking someone?

Have you literally no shame?

Don't you feel guilty?

I stopped my movements completely as the unforgiving voice hammered away at my brain. No, not now. Why would this happen now? Of all times?

Because you're an impatient slut.

All you did was think about him. You barely saw grandpa in the hospital.

I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the sight of him like that what was I supposed to do?

Then you run into his arms first thing. You're desperate for him. Too desperate and selfish.

"Eri?" My head snapped up and I realized Johnny was face to face with me. He had sat up, holding me in his lap, a look of concern on his face. "Did I hurt you? You're crying."

"I'm wha-?" I felt my cheeks and sure enough there were small streaks running down my face. Great, I fucked this entire thing up because of my overthinking and remaining guilt. Did I really have to feel guilty about having sex? It made my stomach hurt, like a weight settled in it and the acid couldn't dissolve it. "I don't...I'm sorry. I didn't even realize and-"

"What's going on?" He pushed a few stray hairs away from my face.

"I just suddenly...I lost it. I couldn't feel you anymore. It was just all suffocating guilt, like I shouldn't be having sex with you…"

"Why not? Do you not want to hook up anymore?" He said, rather sadly.

"No, I do but...I'm here, with you, and my grandpa's not even buried yet. Does it...make me a bad person?"

"Ah...um...no. I don't particularly think so. What else can you do about it? You don't have control over the universe or when people come and go. It's a natural part of life. And you've already been through so much. He would be happy that you at least took care of your family, even if your mom dogged you. You're not a bad person, Eri. You're literally the best. You make me laugh and scare the shit out of me all at once and we're super awkward together. It's okay to want to do something that makes you feel better. I'm not just saying that because I want to have sex with you. I mean it."

I laid my head on his shoulder and he kissed my forehead as he held me. He rubbed my back gently and let me have my moment in trying to figure out exactly what the fuck was wrong with me and what I wanted. "I'm sorry I ruined sexy time."

"Sexy time has its ups and downs. I don't care. But um...I am gonna say that having a sad conversation with my dick inside you is a bit weird."

"I know. Jesus...it's just comforting, please ignore me. You can like get out. I'm weird. I'm so sorry. It doesn't feel sexual at this moment just intimate and I need to stop talking oh my god. Please stop me."

He chuckled and set me down beside him, pulling out gently. “It’s ok, don’t worry about it.” He adjusted his pillow and laid beside me. He pulled the covers over us again and extended his hand to lay between us. “I’ll be here if you need me, for whatever you wanna do.”

“I have no idea. I’m so tired of crying. Like physically and emotionally.” I reached for his hand and we linked our pinkies.

“Then maybe just chill for a bit. Take another depression nap.” He smiled at me and I knew he was joking.

“Maybe. You don’t have to stay in here with me.”

He shrugged. “I’ve been with you for the past like 3 days.”

“Aren’t you sick of me yet?”

“Oh, absolutely. I mean how dare you be my little spoon and make me feed you and let you sit with me while I play video games. You’re a monster.”

I couldn’t help but crack a smile of my own. "I'm definitely sick of you with your giant legs always landing on me when we sleep, and your werewolf heat, and the way your hair sticks up all cute when you wake up, and your stupid forehead kisses."

"Pfft, I'm perfect and you know it."

"Yeah, sure, definitely perfect." Definitely.

"But in all seriousness, don't let it get to you, ok? Don't guilt yourself or else you won't be able to grieve right."

I sighed, knowing that he was right but still hating myself for it. It was going to take me awhile to even begin to shake that feeling. I didn't want it to affect any of my relationships, not just with Johnny. It would be dangerous for me to become a recluse and wallow in the damage. I had to at least try and get over this hurdle. I squeezed my eyes shut and smushed my face into the pillow, low-key wanting to suffocate myself. I felt Johnny squeeze my pinky a bit before rolling onto his back and setting his free arm over his eyes. Why the hell was he so patient and understanding? You stupid fuck, couldn't you go back to bring an asshole? Well...it wouldn't particularly matter anyway. I still would run back to him.

--

I couldn't really pinpoint how long I slept again. I should stop falling into those naps and tried to be active but depression liked to firmly sink its teeth into my sleep schedule. I was frustrated at myself all over again and tossed the covers off me, sliding out of the bed. I looked back, remembering that Johnny had been beside me, but he wasn't in bed anymore. I pulled on my night shirt and shuffled out to the living room, still rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I saw him on the couch,viciously button smashing on the right trigger of his controller. I didn't even have a clue what time it was. I padded over to him and stood by the armrest of the couch.

"Hey."

The controller almost flew into the air as he jumped up. "Fuck! You little shit, don't scare me like that!"

I ignored him and crawled into his lap, resting my head back on his shoulder. He sighed and wrapped his arms around me, resuming his rapid fire attacks. "Do you feel better or no?" He asked as he was calming down from my apparent jumpscare.

"I feel groggy and cramped up but I didn’t want to be in bed anymore. I'll just end up sleeping again and hating myself for it." I sighed.

"You wanna play after I'm done with this round?"

"Nah," I shook my head. "I don't think I have the mental capacity to."

"Aww but you love killing people and not healing me." He teased.

"Fuck you. I'm not healer. You can just grab the heal packs on your own. I'm tank. I'm always tank."

He laughed and kissed my cheek. "Whatever. I can still beat you."

"When we were on opposite teams I killed you six times...in a row."

"Listen, don't come for me, ok?"

"I’ll always come for you."

"Well," He smirked. "Sometimes you soak the sheets."

"Oh my god! Please stop bringing that up!" I wacked his chest playfully. "It was one time!"

"Two."

My face began to grow warm. "Johnathan, shut up."

"I think you were screaming ‘daddy’ at that point."

"If you don't shut it I'm gonna-"

"What? Beat my ass? Little Chihuahua. You won't do shit."

I pouted and snatched the controller from his hands. "Asshole. I'll show you how a professional does it."

"I thought you didn't have the mental capacity to do it." He mocked me, trying to make a high pitch voice.

"It's gonna shut you up to see how much better I am than you. Also, I don't sound like that."

"Mhm, you're such a whiny brat."

I gave him a death glare before turning my attention back to the game so I could ignore his jabs. I fired and dodged, landing attacks and ultimate shots and almost taking out the opposing team entirely. There were a few moments of standstill as they regrouped and charged towards my team again but I was ready at the front lines. I was leaning my body with each attack, bouncing a bit in excitement and wiggling my hips when I could tell I was close to winning. I always moved with the character as if somehow it would affect my gameplay in any way, shape, or form. "Eri...quit moving like that." Johnny grunted from behind me.

I shushed him. "I'm almost done hold on."

"Get off my lap then."

"Give me a sec!" I saw the word victory flash across my screen and I jumped up, sticking my tongue out at him. "You're lucky I saved you. You were dragging the entire team down and you can thank me for all the x.p you gained" He looked up at me, his hand covering the lower half of his face as if he was thinking about something. He eased a couch pillow over his lap and adjusted how he was sitting. "What?" I asked.

"Nothing." He cleared his throat. "You gonna play again?"

"Maybe. You were right, I like the shooty shooty death death." I pushed the pillow against his stomach and resumed my seat on his lap.

"Eri, no!" He protested.

"Shh, I'm about to start, the server just found a game. I gotta concentrate."

"Then don't move around so much."

"It helps me win! I swear it!"

He groaned and I settled myself against him, getting whisked to the character selection screen. I went back to concentrating, happy to have my mind clawing at something entertaining and time consuming. His hand laid on the armrest, drumming his fingers obnoxiously loud. I nudged his hand to try and get him to quit it as I landed a barrage of rockets on an enemy. "Stop that."

"Stop moving then."

"Are you really that annoyed with it?" I rolled my eyes. "Big baby."

"Yes, I'm very annoyed."

"It's just how I play, Johnny. It's no big deal."

"It is when you're on my lap."

"What difference does it make?! I-" I looked back at him. "Ooohhhh…."

"Yeah, oh! Off please!" He said, tapping at my thigh.

I stood up quickly. “Way to be a 12 year old boy.”

“Way to be irritating.” He kicked at my thigh playfully. “It’s not like im really turned on or anything just like...bodily reaction. I just didn’t want to upset you.”

“Why would I be upset?”

“Eri, you cried in the middle of us fucking. I don’t want that to happen again.”

“It was just a weird moment...a one time thing.” I sighed and exited the game before sitting beside him. “It won't happen again.”

“How do you know that for sure? There's no way to tell. You don't have to push yourself to do things."

I wrapped my finger around the hem of my sleep shirt. “I don’t feel like I’m pushing myself. I want to do it. I just don’t want to be wrapped up in my feelings."

"Then take some time to clear your head."

"I know you're right about everything. I even thought over what you said about not feeling guilty. I know I don't have to and that I really shouldn't. It was probably just from all the stuff my mom said, like I didn’t care about anything that was going on. But I care so much, maybe too much. About everyone."

"Sounds like you put others before you."

I kept my head low and tightened my finger around the fabric. "Well…"

"You take care of Lucas, you take care of Quinn. You held your entire house down while your family was basically falling apart. You take care of your little sister and hell...you've kinda taken care of me. Stop it, Eri. You know that you deserve to be happy right?"

"That sounds strange coming from you." I scoffed. I want to be happy with you, idiot, but clearly your idea of happiness involves us being nothing more than fuckbuddies. I sighed. No, he wasn't my only source of happiness. I had to remember that. I felt some semblance of the emotion when I was with my friends, when I was onstage, when I worked hard on my journalism. It was difficult to fully grasp the feeling but I knew what parts of it felt like. I needed to remember what it was like to smile and laugh. What made those reactions anyway? It felt like such a foreign concept now but I needed to force myself to remember. I wasn't ready to lay in a pool of my own blood again.

"Look, I can only be there for you as a friend but friends want each other to be happy. I don't really like seeing you miserable. When you were playing just now, I saw a bit of the old you come back. I just want to see you smile again." He set his hand on my thigh and gave it a light squeeze. "Know what I mean?"

"Yeah...what makes you happy then, friend?"

He seemed taken aback by my question. "Oh...hmm…" He set his elbow on the armrest and propped his chin in his palm. "Photography, I guess. Music...having time to myself. Waking up next to someone I love- I mean in the future! That specific part would be in the future! Like when I'm 30 or some shit…"

"Being in love is weird. I hate it." I said flatly.

"Tell me about it."

We both looked at each other momentarily then dodged our eyes so they wouldn't meet. We didn't say anything for awhile and the load screen music of the game was starting to make me feel like I was suffocating. "Johnny…" I swallowed hard. My heart thundered like a war drum. "I have to tell you something."

"O-oh? What's that?"

"Thanks for...looking out for me and taking care of me."

He burst into laughter that sounded like it was laced with unease and nervousness. "Oh, that's all?!" He shoved at my shoulder almost knocking me on my side. "Dumbass, I thought it was something important!"

"It is important to me, jerk." I rubbed my shoulder and grumbled. "I'm trying to be extra gay and tell you how I feel so it's not in my brain and I don't fucking cry anymore."

"Shit...sorry. It's just...not something I'm used to, even with all our talks. I know you thanked me for decking Matt in the face-"

"Defending me and protecting me from them ganging up on us." I reminded him.

"Ah...yeah, that. But um...I don't feel like I need to be thanked for it. It's just what people should do."

I got up and stood in front of him. "Just accept my thank you and shut up." I flicked his forehead hard and watched as he recoiled instantly.

"Ow!! You're so violent I swear!"

"You're just a baby." I kissed the red spot on his forehead and then gave him one on his cheek. I was planning on pulling away but he gripped my hand tightly, keeping me close.

"I am not. You're just a jerk." He smiled and pressed our lips together rather lightly. "A cute jerk."

"Well that's true at least." We both laughed and kept our smiles. "How's that boner treating you?" I teased.

He grabbed the pillow from his lap and hit it against my stomach. "Will you shut up!?"

"That's what you get for calling me splash mountain!" I hit him back with the pillow and he tried to work around my barrage of attacks to get a hold of my waist. He tried to pull me down onto the couch but I caught myself on the back of it, my chest landing against his face. "Good job, idiot! I almost kneed you."

"I'm ok with this though." He said, muffled.

I rolled my eyes and pulled away before I suffocated him. "I don't even know why I hang out with you."

He set his hands on my upper thigh, trailing upwards. "Because you- you're not wearing panties?" He said suddenly.

I looked down at the now pushed up shirt and shrugged. "No. I just rolled out of bed and put this on." I put my legs on the outside of his and sat down on his lap. "Perv. Are you turned on now or is it still just "bodily reaction?"

He reclined back and ruffled his hair away from his face. "You haven't done anything to turn me on. You think you wearing my shirt with no panties and bouncing around is sexy? Please." He said sarcastically and smirked.

"Nooo of course not. Why would that ever be considered sexy?" I giggled and wrapped my arms around his neck, leaning in closer to him.

"Eri…" He hesitated for a moment and licked his lips, preparing himself for what he was going to say.

I knew he was going to say that he was worried about me but that's not what I wanted to hear at this moment. I'm sure our minds were on two different paths. Mine was focused on justifying our unfinished fuck though he could care less and he was focused on making sure that I was ok, a commendable and cherishable act yet my currently depressive thoughts weren't something I wished to focus on. "I'm fine, I swear." I covered his neck in rushed kisses to entice him into joining me. He grabbed onto the back on my neck and forced me away from him making me pout and simultaneously wiggle my hips against his lap. His stern voice was coming next, I could already tell. "Please?" I begged softly before he could even say anything. "We both know we'd rather do this then focus on our problems."

"Yeah but...we should stop that…"

"You first." I challenged. "If you don't want to do it then fine. I can get going. I've been here long enough anyway "

"Don't be like that. I don't need to pick you over fucking."

"I'm not saying you have to Johnny and I'm not saying it's the only reason I would stay here. I'm happy being in your arms and I have been for the past couple of days. I've loved everything you've done for me but you know this is how we feel good."

He sighed and squeezed me tight. "Why are you so damn irritating, babe?"

"You haven't gotten rid of me in almost four months, it's your own damn fault."

He chuckled as he placed his lips against my neck, sinking a bite in slowly. My fingers curled into his shoulder as I exhaled a whimper. He pulled away when he was satisfied with his mark he kissed it gently before trailing a tantalizing lick up my neck. "We should head back to my room."

"What for?" I turned towards him, capturing him in a flurry of bites and hungry kisses. My hands we already crawling towards his sweatpants, sliding them down his hips bones and waiting for him to break free.

"Didn't we learn our lesson last time? I don't need Jae bursting through the door and seeing you again."

"Hasn't he been staying at my place? We're fine. I don't care anyway. Come here." I finally freed him and lifted my hips, guiding him back to my entrance.

"Slut."

"Jackass." I sunk down onto him slowly making him moan instantly. He tried groping at my hips again but I grabbed his wrists and kept them by his side. "I have to thank you properly. So sit back and don't touch."

"Don't t-touch?" His brows furrowed deeply when I let my hips rise and fall on him, making sure every last inch disappeared inside me.

"Mhm," I groaned and let my eyes slip closed. "Let me do this. I'll let you control me later I promise."

A little growl surfaced which made me wiggle my hips eagerly. He was struggling with keeping up with my request even though he was trying. His arms flexed with tension as I kept him pinned. He could easily overpower me and toss me down to do whatever he pleased but he let me have my fun for now. I was too wrapped up in rolling my hips and letting the slight curve of his cock ride against my walls and send me into a fit of soft pants and moans. His thighs clenched beneath me and he used them to force me forward. I braced my chest against his as he pressed through the tightness and slammed into the deepest part of me. I rushed out a curse and dug my knees into the couch harder, feeling the fabric scratch against my skin.

"Take off my shirt, princess. Let me see you."

I shook my head quickly. "You're not getting away with-ah-ahh!" He shoved me forward again, testing my limits and bringing me closer to cumming way before I even wanted to.

"What was that?" I wanted to smack the smugness out of his voice but I myself was silenced by more bites flourishing against the weakest parts of my neck. My hold on his wrists was starting to falter and I prayed for my mind to lift itself from the lust fueled haze it was under to keep my strength up. But it was no use, his hands switched to grab my wrists and pulled my arms behind my back, using all the leverage he could to slam into me with frenzied thrusts. I pressed my lips together and nudged my forehead against his shoulder, silently begging for him to keep this heavy pace. His deep voice teased at my ear, murmuring my name and singing praises to how good I felt. For once he wasn't being cheesy or vulgar and every one of his sugary sweet words made my body flush.

I burrowed my face into the crook of his neck to keep myself from whining pathetically. Every once in awhile, as I rolled my hips with his thrusts, his girth would manage to brush against my clit and sends waves of gluttonous indulgence throughout my body. I caved in and moaned his name, straining through pleads of him to make me cum. "Maybe I'll make you work a little harder for it since you wanted to try and pin me down."

I shook my head vigorously. "N-no! Just let me-" He released my arms and threw me down onto the couch. The wind was almost knocked out of me and I struggled to paw at his hands that were grabbing at the sleep shirt and yanking it from my body. Once I was completely bare, he shoved his sweats down his thighs, not even really bothering to kick them off all the way. He was much more eager to toss my leg over his shoulder and rush back inside me, swift and deliciously rough. He was dangerous when he was like this, simultaneously punishing me for not giving myself a break or listening to him but also falling into our horrid pattern of fucking each other senseless when we were at our wits end. I was falling in deeper into an abyss that only he could take me to before I was swallowed up and couldn't find where he started and I ended.

He kept my legs firmly in place not allowing me to squirm or escape the overwhelming thrusts that drove me to insanity. I reached above my head to hold onto the armrest as my back bowed towards him. His hand switched from my thigh to grip around my neck. "We were around here last time, weren't we? Before I fucked you from behind and we were interrupted?" He smirked and licked his lips. "You came so hard, didn't you?"

"S-shut it!" I gasped and clutched at his wrist. My little wisecrack only got my windpipe constricted further. My eyes rolled back and I could feel the lightheadedness already starting to settle. My body clenched tight, my chest struggled to expand and my hold on him dissipated. The only thing I could feel was the sudden burst of ecstasy that always came when I was teetering on the verge of lifelessness. My wetness pooled around him, sliding down to meet the couch cushions beneath me. I tapped out then and his fingers unfurled from my neck. I was a trembling mess all over again and wanted to curl up. He let my leg fall from him and I pulled them both towards my chest. I gripped the edge of the couch as I waited to come down from my high but my peacefulness ended quickly.

Johnny spread my cheeks open, allowing him to see every bit of me. His hips snapped against my ass drawing harsh throbs from his cock and wavering mumbles from his lips. I could hardly stand the way he forced himself through every bit of my sensitive and sore body but I craved for him to feel just as good as I did. He leaned over me, delving his tongue into my mouth and sucking on mine greedily. I cupped his face in my hands, our moans overlapping as his thrusts morphed into sloppy chaos. His tough demeanor melted into his soft and sweet nature, blushing hard and keeping his eyes squeezed shut when he asked me where he should cum. I let him have his way with wherever he wanted, feeling the thick heated ropes fall into my lower lips, thighs, and ass. I sighed softly and listened to him catch his breath. He plopped down on the couch and relaxed while I remained still for fear of staining the cushions.

"Hey, shithead," I exhaled. "Gonna clean this up?"

He let out an exaggerated groan. "Do I have to?"

I sat up a bit and shot him a glare. "Johnathan."

He huffed and grabbed his shirt off the floor, wiping me down lazily. I rolled my eyes and smacked his hands away, opting to do it myself. "Big baby. I'm gonna shower, are you coming?"

"Yeah I will." He yawned. We both stood up though my legs were much more shakier than his. He pulled up his sweats from around his thighs and set his arm around my waist, guiding me towards his room. Suddenly, we heard the front door unlock, signaling Jae's return. We made a mad dash for Johnny's room and slammed the door behind us with just fractions of a second to spare. Both of us fell into a fit of laughter as we hoped Jae hadn't seen us. We weren’t in the mood to get griped at for fucking on the couch again.

"Quinn says you have to go home, Eri!" Jae said as he passed by the door.

I rolled my eyes. "Ugh…great."

"What is she your mother now?" Johnny scoffed.

"They're right. I need to get back to class and work tomorrow. I'm having my mom send the papers from the hospital and funeral to me so I can get excused and hopefully won't lose anything." I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him. "Will you drive me back since Quinn took my car home?"

"Of course. But first, shower."

--

I sighed as I stood in front of my therapist's office. I was grateful that she was able to get me in on such short notice but definitely not ready to spill out everything that had happened to me all over again. I knocked and she beckoned me in, greeting me with a smile when I tiptoed through. She had already gotten my file up and was clacking away at her computer as I sat across from her on the couch. I waited for her to finish, awkwardly staring at my boots and pulling off my heavy coat. I heard my phone ping and ignored it but it happened again and again and again. "Sorry," I said. "I'm just gonna check this real quick."

"Take your time, I'm just updating some stuff..no biggie."

I nodded and pulled up my messages not ready for the sudden round of next level bullshit that was thrown my way. Taeyong had sent me screenshots of some sort of group chat he was in. In between slutty emojis and jokes where pictures of me, naked, getting fucked, tied up, gagged, stuffed, anything, you name it. Yuta and Ten were the main culprits behind it but there were one or two that were posted by Lucas. The worst part was that I didn't remember taking any of these. I never sent any nudes that were longer than a few seconds on Snapchat, trying to keep my record as clean as possible. These seemed to be forced onto me without my consent and the way they were sharing them so carefree had me sick to my stomach. These three were supposed to be my friends, Lucas one of my best mates. Yet here they were thinking it was okay to spread this without my permission. My mouth dried completely and I had no idea how to even begin to respond. He sent me another screen shot of a message that was beneath the photos. It was from Johnny and read "How many more do you have?"

My heart dropped to the ground. He was interested in these? In seeing me like this without my permission? Another text from Taeyong.

Sorry you had to find out this way but I figured you should know. It was fucked up so I asked them to stop but then Johnny said that and well…

I don't know how much more they have. Do you want me to ask? Or do you want to handle it yourself?

I can help though. I don't want this shit getting out more.

I dropped my phone onto the couch and covered my face, ready to absolutely lose it.

"Eri, are you ok? What's going on?"

I pushed my hair back as the tears started. They felt hot, almost burning with every emotion I could manage to feel at once. "I'm ready to just kill myself."

[minimonojoon]

crystal snow

g e n r e: angst, bittersweet ending tho; p a i r i n g: yoongi x reader; w o r d s: 3k+ words. s u m m a r y: yoongi perfectly knows how much she loves the snow and he prays it will be the sole thought to bring a little joy to her; w a r n i n g s: mentions of depression, mental illness, swearing;

a/n: the pov is yoongi’s and he refers to the reader in a third person. talking about a delicate topic such as depression is not easy and most of the stuff in this fic is from my personal experience + the researches I’ve done about the topic. I’m always scared as hell posting this, so reviews and comments are always appreciated! also: this was inspired by crystal snow and while writing it I was listening to breathe me by sia and where’s my love by syml (alternate version). enjoy! <3

The incessant ticketing of the clock on the cramped kitchen’s wall echoes through the darkness of the apartment. Everything is quiet, still covered in the shadows of a day that is yet far away to start. The cold weather outside and the lack of heating makes the air ungodly freezing, pinching at Yoongi’s body unpleasantly, as he grunts his sleep away by scrunching his eyes and reprimanding a yawn. He surely hates winter, at least when he can’t afford a heating system that would allow him not to find extremely hard to leave his bed in the mornings – not that he wants to, anyway.

He sighs with satisfaction as his early morning routine starts with a highly needed dose of caffeine, probably the only good thing in his days lately, and looks up at the clock on the wall. He scrunches his nose at the sound, unnervingly loud in his ears as it’s the only companion he has right now. As he voices a grunt of displeasure having already finished his coffee, he restrains himself from throwing something at that damn thing on the wall.

I could try, he thinks, maybe that would catch her attention. Maybe she could wake up and enter the kitchen. Yoongi smiles bitterly, closely analyzing the state of this part of his small apartment. There are few dishes from past days left in the sink, the result of his tiredness (or, to be honest, just plain laziness) from work, and on the two counters and the tiny table near the window there are remains of instant noodles and ready-made pasta sauces. And he’s not even mentioning the emptiness of their fridge. Probably she’d kill him, if she knew the state of their shared kitchen. Or any other part of their tiny space they were able to find after a long, exhausting research.

Days have become much slower, unhealthier and unhappy since she’s not around anymore. He loved the way she would wake up only to share the mornings together, even if she started work hours later. Her sleepy smile is extremely missed, as the way she always swatted his arm when he grunted to her, scolding her for spilling precious drops of coffee on the counter. She constantly forgot to wear her glasses first thing in the morning, and that was the result.

Yoongi scruffs his feet on the wooden pavement as he reaches again their bedroom, quietly picking up his clothes from the closet so he can get ready for another boring day of work. He turns around and glances at her, studying her sleeping form. She’s balled under tons of blankets, but Yoongi can perfectly distinguish her hand under her cheek and her long, messy hair partially covering her eyes. Her expression, as far he can presume, is deep into slumber. He exhales a relieved sigh. At least she’s getting a little of sleep.

The times he caught her awake, watching outside their window where houses, buildings and the far away skyline of the city could be seen, are uncountable. And whenever she realizes Yoongi is watching her, completely stilled as he’s facing a rare species for the first time, his worried gaze on her, she would close her eyes and pretend nothing happened. Or worse, she would glance again outside, her eyes watery. Times like that are the only ones where Yoongi would finally made eye contact with her. For brief moments, he’s able to study her gentle features, the round shape of her bright eyes and the petals that formed her mouth.

Now, those same eyes were deprived from their vivacity, as her cheeks are constantly pale – the adorable shade of color that tinted them each time she returned home was just a faint memory. Her strangely squeaky laugh, that Yoongi would never admit he loved so much, doesn’t fill their apartment like it used to.

Yoongi often asks himself what she thinks whenever their eyes met. What’s passing through her mind in that precise moments, and why she always pretends she’s sleeping although he perfectly knows she’s not. Sometimes, he’s terrified how he isn’t able to reach her as he was used to do before. There were few things in life he was sure of, and one of them was being able to read her – recognizing the curve of her lips whenever she finds something funny but couldn’t say it out loud due to inappropriateness, or the way she fidgets her fingers whenever she’s embarrassed. Her body is like a panorama he couldn’t possibly be tired of. He could close his eyes and follow every inch and scrape of her features, naming each scrape and angle.

The person she’s right now isn’t her, he finds himself thinking frequently. It’s an empty shell that lays on a bed that isn’t warm anymore, not when they don’t talk, laugh or make love on it. Not when the complicity they shared is shattered, and no matter how much effort he puts in trying to recompose the pieces together, nothing seems to work. It’s like extending a hand that, for a few inches, isn’t reachable. It’s frustrating as hell and Yoongi’s blood boils whenever the thought crosses his mind. He then can’t do anything but breaking things, crying, screaming. He is desperate.

As a mouse trapped into a labyrinth, going crazy because he can sense there’s a way out of this whole mess, but he isn’t able to find it.

Yoongi tugs too roughly on his pants, almost tripping on himself while walking to their bathroom as a wave of rage he’s barely able to control almost drowns him. He faintly hears her moving on the bed, the comfy covers shuffling and a soft moan escaping her lips. He stops himself midway, checking her out with frenetic eyes. He doesn’t breathe as he desperately hopes that maybe today she’ll say something to him. Even if it’s a mere breathed and angry be quiet, he really doesn’t care. Probably, Yoongi would cry right then and there for hearing her voice again.

It’s frustrating, not knowing how to help her. Yoongi shuffles his black hair and tugs on the bangs, because her world has crumbled and his miserably with hers. He feels in a painful limb, where their hands, once tangled strongly together, are slowly untying. And he’s unable to stop this horribly, faithful they seem will face incredibly soon.

Yoongi can’t exactly point when everything begun. There isn’t a precise moment, or an event he can recall that makes him thinks that’s why, and he’s safe to say he hates himself because he wasn’t able to read the little signs he now knows she leaved him, or whenever she shrugged off her discomfort and he didn’t insist enough to talk to her, to let her relish her feelings onto him. He would have take everything she gave him. Everything.

This past year hasn’t been easy for them. Damn, it’s not just this one year, he bitterly thinks. Their economical situation has drastically dropped into a more precarious, insidious one. Being young and with wide dreams doesn’t help at all in the ruthless world they lived in, nor it is realizing that life mostly gives you lemons and what the fuck, most of the times you can’t even make a proper lemonade – not when they were risking losing everything they worked hard for. They have given their blood, sweat and tears to find the cramped apartment they are sharing now, frantically searching for something they could simply afford. Their neighborhood isn’t the fanciest, nor the one with that pretty view she loved so much, but at least they found something that’s theirs, and theirs only.

For a while, everything was fine. Although they kept struggling with their work schedules and tired exhales were made whenever their limbs ached returning home, Yoongi distinctly saw a tiny sparkle in their future, the kind that allowed him to dream a little for themselves. He dreamed of her continuing her studies, reaching the goals she set for herself, and for him to brush his fingers onto his piano again. The soft looks and quiet smiles they shared made Yoongi aware they were both thinking about that future, and he knew, no, he was sure they saw the same sparkle.

But then everything vanished into the thin air, like ashes raised into the wild, freezing wind.

First, it was the way she dragged herself outside bed, and slowly lost her smile. Then it was the way she could cheer him up in the first lights of mornings with a caress or a whispered loving word, whenever he was too tired even to properly think, that vanished away. Her somber presence gradually took over her solar one, and soon enough everything she did became mechanical, dull and without no reason other than not let herself and Yoongi starve. That is, until now.

Yoongi glances again to the bundle of covers she was under, and briefly shakes his head. He’s unaware of the motif behind her sudden worsening of conditions. The only thing he remembers is the door slumming shut too early for her shift to be ended, and her feet that stumbled until she reached their bedroom, hastily leaving her shoes and clothes behind to let the covers engulf her. He presumed it was something about work, and for a brief, frightening moment he believed she was fired. But after a few days, when he received a telephone call from her employee asking why she wasn’t present at work, Yoongi had a hard time even stuttering two words coherently. He briefly asked if something particular happened, but when he received a shrugged response he told her boss she was sick.

That was almost two weeks ago. And that unease sensation Yoongi felt when he had that call, isn’t still leaving him at peace. His senses are on full alert, as if something worse could happen any moment. If he tries to feed her, she refuses. If he tries to talk to her, she’s completely quiet. Sometimes, he faintly hears her in the middle of the night, when she probably thinks he’s deeply asleep, walking into the bathroom, crying. She then walks around the apartment with no apparent reason, then she comes back to bed.

The last time he heard her was two days ago. Although his eyes were close shut, Yoongi could perfectly picture her eyes filled with tears, scrolling through her puffed, rose tinted cheeks, while her hand anxiously dragged her hair back, her shoulders hiccupped uncontrollably. He needed to control himself just to not scream or punch the first object in his sight, restraining himself from intervening. The last time he tried didn’t ended well.

Yoongi exhales. His morning routine is now finished and even if he’s apparently ready to face another day at work, he doesn’t feel like it, at all. The weather seems to perfectly accompany him with his grey clouds and dull light, and he bitterly smiles to himself, mockingly thinking it could be the suitable entrance of a character in those tv dramas she occasionally watches.

He hears her stir in her sleep again, and suddenly the curiosity takes better of him and his feet step closer to her side of their bed, her closed eyes and long eyelashes entering Yoongi’s view. The pout she formed tells him she’s not having a peaceful sleep anymore, nor the way her strain of hair on her temples are damped. Munching on his lower lip, he hesitates, his hand hovering over her form, unsure to touch her. He doesn’t do it anymore, since the day she started to fly away from his feathery, loving touches. He takes a deep breath again and right then she murmurs something unintelligible, brows furrowed and painting slightly.

Before Yoongi can ponder about anything else, his hand is on her forehead, waving away bangs of wet hair. His expression softens and at the same times covers with such a melancholy, the moment her expression relaxes onto his touch. He’s unwilling to let that caress go to fast, finally able to physically do something to shove away the pain and distress in her. His hand strokes her cheeks, flowing to her hair with such a delicacy and then going back, too afraid of breaking her, of waking her. He blinks a few times, realizing his eyes are wet with tears, feeling the lump in his throat suffocating him.

When his first sob leaves his lips, he shies away from her.

He fiddles with his jacket, quickly grabbing his things before he’s out of the apartment. The cold air of December hits him like a firetruck, but it’s so welcomed he doesn’t care the slightest. The freezing temperature of the morning dries the tears on his cheeks in seconds, and he inhales profoundly as his mind starts to clear. He needs to be strong for her and support her in the way she needs the most. How to do that, though? The only he’s aware of how hard is to watch someone you genuinely care for rotting and can’t be able to reach them. He desperately wants her to know he is there and she’s not alone. That they can do it, together.

Yoongi runs his hands into his hair, messing them and grunting loudly. He covers his eyes for a few moments, trying to recollect himself before he’s out there into the lively, busy streets that he needs to cross in order to go to work. He doesn’t even care his scarf doesn’t cover him properly, not shielding for a particularly powerful gust of wind that has his skin growing with goosebumps. His onyx eyes are glued to the pavement of the sidewalk, his lips are thighed together, almost fully white.

Then, something extremely cold and small brushes the tip of his nose and after a few moments, another one is on his right cheek. His expression distorts into confusion, as his eyes flutter to realize it’s a snowflake. A tiny, little one that hasn’t melted yet. It’s still there and oh, they’re starting to descend gradually into the ground. The time stops for a few moments, as his lips quiver before finally open into a small circle. His nose is up in the air as he watches the morbid shade of gray that covers the sky. The perfect hue that calls for snowfall, as his grandfather always used to say.

Yoongi stops abruptly, recalling the first time he and her saw the snow together. Well, that was the first time she saw snow falling. As she lived in a country where for the most part of the year it was warm and sunny weather, the white little freckles were something endearing to her, almost magical to her eyes, the way they covered everything in white. Pure, enchanting, marvelous, adjectives Yoongi also associates her with. He can perfectly picture her eyes glinting with glee, her brightest smile painted and her cheeks red from joy and the cold hitting her face. She couldn’t stay still for a moment, as shrieks of excitement filled her mouth, catching each snowflake and showing him the most defined ones. “They’re amazing, Yoongs! Look at this one!”, she was thrilled and Yoongi didn’t restrain himself from smiling at her, his heart doing somersaults to see her so happy. “Promise me we’ll going to live somewhere where snows at least once a year,” she exclaimed laughing, and Yoongi found himself nodding without hesitation.

The memory fills his brain and his heart, as his stomach drops and he’s gulping again. He knows the littlest details could make the difference sometimes, when everything they see is just plain, pitch black. He’s so desperate he clutches uncontrollably to that thought, while his legs move before he could think straight and he’s quickly coming back home. If she sees it, maybe she’ll smile. If she sees the snow, maybe she’ll think not everything is falling apart.

He is panting uncontrollably when he reaches the apartment complex he lives in, fumbling with the keys and storming to the stairs, covering two scales at the time. He doesn’t care if he’s doing a mess, if he’ll get scolded or he wakes her up abruptly entering the house. She must see the snow. She must know there’s still something good in her life.

By the time he’s entering the apartment, silence greats him. Everything is in the exact same way he left it, the air slightly stained and the fastidious rumors of the pipes interrupts every now and then the godly stillness of the entire apartment. Yoongi shuffles to their bedroom, not bothering to leave his jacket or any of his things behind him.

The moment he enters the rooms, his breaths itches and his eyes widen. His limbs don’t respond anymore, as he stays still in the entrance, his mouth slightly agape. His breath is accelerated, but he doesn’t care in the slightest. He engulfs her waking and sitting form, her back turned to him, her hair messy and the old pinky pajama she’s wearing completely creased. Her face is turned to the window, where it’s now clearly visible the snowflakes that fall.

There isn’t a word that comes from Yoongi’s mouth, neither from hers too. But he’s sure she knows he is in the room, so with soft, silent steps he approaches her, totally terrified he could scare her away. Yoongi can hear his beating heart into his ears, roaring furiously as glances at her eyes glued to the window. They’re watery, he notices, but there is a different glint into them, her lips quivering. She’s gazing the snow as if she has just been awaken from a long, exhausting dream. Her breathes fills the room, slightly ragged.

Then, as she’s finally acknowledge his presence in his room, she turns to him. Yoongi is now fully looking at her ethereal and beautiful features, how the soft curves of her cheeks and the eyes he so much adores are eventually looking at him, seeing him for the first time in months. It strikes him she’s still alive, breathing and awake. Yoongi exhales deeply, taking in his lungs as much air as possible so he doesn’t crumble in front of her. His mind is blank white and focused on her form that is coloring his soul and mind again. He isn’t aware of how many minutes passes, how they observe each other in a stilled silence that no one dares to break.

At last, her lips move to form a smile, as her head move slightly in the way she always does when something particularly makes her glinting, her eyes forming crescents.

“Yoongs, it’s snowing.” Her voice is throaty yet endearing, surprised even.

“I know,” he cracks, smiling a little.

And then, his arms are wrapped around her in a tight embrace.

[thewritingfox]

Soulmates- Chapter Four

Master Post -> https://thewritingfox.tumblr.com/post/174423752657/soulmates-master-post-first-draft 

A/N: So, I’m not feeling particularly well... at all. But hey, I managed to write quite a bit more than I have been of late so... I guess that counts for something?

He was back in the Virginia house, laying in the same squishy bed Roman had had for years. He slowly sat up and detangled himself from the pool of limbs. Somehow they’d all ended up laying in different directions in a pile. The boy in the light blue pjs had fallen asleep with his glasses on, but miraculously they weren’t lost or broken, which was more than could be said for the one in the dark blue pajamas whose glasses were by his feet and appeared to have been crushed in someone’s sleep. The one in the red pajamas’ hair was uncharacteristically messy. Once he had fully awakened the one in the purple and black pjs stood and stretched before grabbing his phone and taking a picture of the scene, before setting to work on getting breakfast ready for everyone, remembering to mind the lactose intolerance of one of his bed-mates, and the food allergies of another. Slowly, they each stumbled downstairs, following their noses. They sat in front of beautiful plates, each customized to the eater’s tastes and needs. They smiled gratefully to their purple robed companion as they dug into their delicious meal. They all sat in silence, just enjoying each other’s company. When each member finished they stood and washed their dishes and placed a soft kiss on the top of the purple one’s head before they headed back upstairs to get ready for their days. It was so lovely and he couldn’t remember the last time he was so happy.

Virgil suddenly sat bolt right up. At first he couldn’t figure out where he was until he heard the angelic laughter. He looked over and saw Roman standing in what he called the practice corner and was looking at Virgil, who was now tucked in to Roman’s bed. “Looks like I have a cutie in my bed.” Roman remarked. “Wonder what people will think of that?” He said in a joking manner, which cause Virgil to turn redder than the sheets around him. He slowly slid out of the bed and put his shoes back on, though he didn’t remember taking them off. “You’ve been asleep for about an hour.” Roman said, answering the question Virgil was about to ask. “It’s only about one o’clock, but do you want some lunch? Anything to eat?”

“Uh…. s-sure?”

“Is a grilled cheese okay? It’s one of the only things I can actually make honestly.” he said while scratching the back of his neck.

“S-sounds g-good t-to me.” Roman told Virgil to wait in the room and he’d bring it up in a second, saying he was gonna make a grilled cheese surprise and that he’d be right back, before disappearing downstairs. He got up from the bed and sat in front of the windows overlooking the water, in the hour he’d been asleep clouds had rolled in and now the water looked very choppy, almost dangerous. A storm was definitely rolling in. Virgil pulled out his art book and started a quick sketch of the scene in front of him, falling in love with the way it looked; the dark storm clouds above, the choppy water below, the empty beach to his right and the woods across from him with someone standing in front. Virgil gasped and looked again someone was standing there and they seemed to be staring right at him. Virgil started getting really scared and backed up as far from the window as he could, bumping into a wall.

Suddenly he heard footsteps pouding up the stairs and for a moment Virgil wondered if it was that person, before Roman appeared, a sword in one hand and a plate in the other. “You okay Virg? I thought I heard something.”

“Y-yeah, f-fine. J-just s-slid a-and b-bumped i-into the w-wall i-is all.” Roman pointed the sword at the wall.

“Hey wall, if you ever do something like that again, I won’t hesitate!” Roman said with a serious look that almost had Virgil scared, before laughing and setting down the plate on the floor between them. The grilled cheese was HUGE and had cheese practically dripping out of the sides. It made Virgil’s mouth water. He tentatively took a bite and almost melted with the cheese as the taste of bacon, pepperoni, and salami filled his mouth. Another bite and he could taste some italian sausage. It tasted absolutely amazing and before he knew it, he’d finished the entire thing. He suddenly felt guilty, he’d never had that much food at once in his life, and he felt like he should’ve shared.

“S-Sorry R-Ro, I sh-should’ve a-asked i-if y-you w-want-ted a-any.”

“Don’t worry about it. Couldn’t have eaten more than half of a half anyways. I’m lactose intolerant. When I was a kid it wasn’t as bad, as long as there was something besides just cheese, I’d be fine, though still couldn’t drink milk. Now I have to be careful about the amount of cheese and other dairy products I consume or I could get pretty sick, and trust me: It’s NOT a pretty sight.”

“O-oh.”

“What about you? Anything relatively common that could make you ill or die?”

“A-aerosol p-products. I-if I b-breath th-them in I s-stop b-breathing.”

“Oh jeez. Like body sprays?”

“B-body sp-sprays, c-cleaning c-chemicals, p-perfumes, s-some c-cigarettes.”

“Geez. Wish I could protect you from all of it. Honestly I wish I could just put you in a bubble and protect you from everything.” Virgil burst out laughing.

“I-it’s m-my j-job to p-pro-t-tect y-you!”

“No way My Chemically Imbalanced!”

“Uh-huh!”

“Ugh whatever.”

“I w-win.”

“Oh hush!” Roman turned deep red before he plopped onto a couch with Virgil following. They both spent hours just talking about themselves and getting to know each other. All too soon was it five o’clock and time for Virgil to get home. Roman drove him and dropped him off as stealthily as possible and told him that if his aunt gave him any trouble to just say the friend he hung out with today got him an uber home. Virgil didn’t want to leave or get out of the car as they pulled up but he knew he had to, or he’d face hell later. He thanked Roman for the fun day and walked inside, greeted his aunt and Miss Cici, then went upstairs and continued his painting project.

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[marshaeb]

P.S: I'm Mated With The Cursed Alpha!

Chapter Five

Hey guy! Don’t forget to Like, Comment, Review, and Follow for more updates! My apologies in advance for all the grammatical errors. Book will be professionally edited when completed.

The stars were shining so bright and beautiful across the majestic night sky. It was the perfect night, soiled it by such a terrible situation.

I stood still in his firm hold, not wanting to pull myself away to cause me more pain than I already was in.

Seven years...he waited seven years? For what?

I trembled like a helpless prey, with tears wetting my face as I held onto my hair.

“P-plea-se...” I grunted, sniffing my teary, runny nose as he growled possessively, pulling me closer. “I-I beg you... If it’s anything you want...you can get access from my mother.”

“I don’t need access to what’s already mines.” He said sternly, with so much testosterone raging through him.

“What’s his?” Sarah said confusedly to me through our mind link. “What could he possibly be referring to?”

“Sia, you do know you’ve trespassed?” An older, more mature voice said to him, but with the position he has me in, I couldn’t see who it was.

There was a long pause between them until the silence was broken by a sharp gasp.

“Sia...could it be?” The man added shockingly. “Are you sure?”

“As deep as my cursed marks are on my body... I know I’m sure!” He replied.

Instantly, my chest rose and fall as I started to hyperventilate and panic. What on earth were they referring to? What was he so sure about? It was driving me crazy!

The guards finally arrive on the scene with a few reinforcements.

They step back slightly in complete shock of what was taking place and stared terrifyingly at the strange man.

“Lady Joel...” Kylo, the second head guard in command said to me in a sorrowful tone. Brave enough like he always was, he took a few steps towards me.“Everything’s going to be alright... Everyone let’s calm down...take it easy.”

He stopped dead in his tracks when a vicious growl rippled his way.

His grip got, even more, tighter and I whimpered aloud.

“Owww!” I cried aloud, taking uneasy breaths. “I-It hurts! H-he’s hurting me, Kylo.”

He looked at me, so eager to come to my rescue, like the brave warrior wolf he was, but for the first time, Kylo was hesitant and it somewhat petrified me.

This man...whoever he is, was definitely someone not to be reckoned with.

Though I couldn’t see his face, I could tell by Kylo and the other guard’s frightening expression, he was giving them the most sinister, bloodthirsty death stare.

“N-not to worry, Lady Joel, you’re Mom is on her way as fast as she can.” Shelia, the female guard said nervously.

As soon as Mom was mentioned, I wanted to just drop dead on sight. I know I had it coming for me, especially being seen in such an embarrassing situation.

“Don’t worry, Jo-ey,” Sarah said facing me with her eyes glancing between me and his devouring, glowing green eyes through the boarders. “I’m right here beside you... everything will be ok.”

“S-Sarah...h-he won’t let go...” I said to her terrifyingly through our mind link with so many mixed emotions running through me.

“I know...” She replied glancing up at him, “Jo’, he hasn’t taken his eyes off you yet...I think it’s deeper than it seems.”

“What else could it possibly be, Sarah!” I panicked, on the brink of losing my composure. “I want to get out of his hold! It’s freaking killing me!”

A low growl rippled through his lips as he stared between us. It was like he knew we were talking ill about him.

He tugged me closer to him, brushing Sarah off slightly. “I said to piss off!” He said, anger and possessiveness lacing his deep, husky voice.

“NO! You big bully!” She exclaimed.

We all were stunned for a moment. Me, the guards, even he hesitated to reply. I didn’t know Sarah had it in her to snapped back at someone so vicious and dangerous as him.

“Why don’t you just leave us the hell alone!” She continued to rant.

“Us?” He stated. I could feel his grip tightening slightly with irritation. “Does it look like I’m bothering you?”

“Yes!” She replied, standing her ground. “You’re hurting my best friend. You mess with her... you mess with me!”

Silence took over the atmosphere. Nothing but the calm breeze rattling the leaves on the trees were heard.

“LET HER GO!” She screamed to the top of her lungs.

“You better step the fuck off, before I jump over this damn border and rip out that ranting little mouth of yours!” He tensed, feeling his body heat radiating down on me.

“Oh yeah, I’d like to see you try!” She replied.

“Ma’am it’s not wise to provoke a hungry black wolf.” The older voice said behind me. “The results could be very detrimental!”

“Shut it, Grandpa!” She snapped.

Instantly Kylo stepped forward and snatched Sarah back before she starts something she definitely couldn’t finish.

“Come now, Sarah.” He said sternly as she fought in his hold. “Calm down, Alpha Denise is making her way as fast as she can.”

“P-plea-se, my head hurts s-so bad,” I gasped quietly enough for him to hear me, “you’re grip is too strong.”

I waited for him to respond, instead, I got nothing but a tense growl and I tighter grip. Until I felt it started to loosen gradually and my hand was taken in his.

I thanked the moon goddess it wasn’t my injured hand.

He released his grip and I eventually stumbled forward feeling a light-headed sensation coming over me.

I turned around my hair in a huge fuzzy mess, staring up at that intense light-green, hooded eyes staring down at me.

“Joel are you ok!” Sarah shouted from behind Kylo and the other guards, guarding her.

“Y-yes...I-I guess...” I said utterly unsure.

I was quite boggled that he actually let go of my hair after I told him how much pain he was causing.

For someone so vicious, so demanding and cruel, he actually complied. Which was so strange. And why is he staring at me like I did something to him?

I haven’t noticed it before, but his lashes were so long, it shaded over his green eyes as they danced wildly in the moonlight. He had a full head of long, straight hair. It was black as the night sky and so silky, blowing gently crossed his face perfect structured face.

I couldn’t believe I was actually thinking this way towards him...but he was so handsome and masculine. My eyes glanced over his full lips. His cupid’s bow was so defined, curving almost perfectly.

Then there was his board, muscular torso with a deep claw mark above his right breast.

He was the perfect man every girl dreamt of having...every girl except for me--I convinced myself-- I have Jackson. He’s the only man I’ve ever dreamt about and will be the only man as well.

I stared at his large hand clutched almost too easily around my small wrist. I definitely couldn’t escape from him.

Though I was headstrong and positive, I couldn’t help but—

He sucked his bottom lip, wetting it, and swallowed loudly. I watched in slow motion as his sharp Adam’s apple grazed up and down his throat.

I was so close...so close to—

A deep, lascivious growl emerged from his throat and I clenched... HARD! My core was pulsing like wildfire and I couldn’t control the sensation.

All I could of do was hold my head down in shame and just let nature take its course. I didn’t like it one bit, but when a man like that looks the way he does and is staring down at you like fresh meat, one could let it happen.

If Jackson knows I’m aroused for another man and other than him... I would be so broken and devasted.

I break for a moment and looked up in his face and for the first time for the night, his face had turned all soft. His muscles weren’t as tensed like it was a few minutes ago and his grasped on my wrist has loosened slightly, but his eyes...those eyes were still intense as they travel over every inch of my face.

If I was a weak-minded girl, I would have definitely fallen for such a dreamy face, despite how he treated me and Sarah...

BUT THIS WAS WRONG!

His face immediately tensed back up and his grip tightened as I tried to fight and pull away from him again.

I felt so disgusted just thinking about it, I couldn’t help wanting to free myself out of his hold and run somewhere and cry for everything that transpired tonight. And yet more is still to come.

He growled, tugging my arm, pulling my body onto the border. “Stop fighting me!” He said sternly. His tone of voice was mixed with anger and hurt from my rejection.

What was wrong with the guy. Why was he like this? One second he’s the calmest, gentlest thing and with just one wrong move he snaps into a raging bull.

In the distance heading towards us was mom’s white wolf came running towards us and her beta, Jimmy carrying someone on his back. It was Jiraya. The wisest man in the land.

As she stepped on the scene, the only person she had her eyes on was me. If disappointment, rage, and embarrassment were a person it would be her, without a doubt.

She shifted into her human and stood next to Kylo, asking him all that taken place. I could feel her staring. They were so strong and daunting, and there was no way of escaping.

I just wanted the moon goddess to take me out of my misery. This was too much a small, inexperienced teenage wolf like me could handle, but yet again, this was all my fault.

After Kylo had given her his report, she strutted over towards us...and got right down to business, not caring to ask how I feel or if I was alright.

But I knew her too well. When she’s like that, I know she was furious and would explode on me on sight for my negligence and disobedience, but as the perfectionist she was, she wouldn’t let it happen.

“Darius, the cursed Alpha.” She said to him calmly, slying her eyes at me.“We’ve yet again crossed paths and somehow, you have my rebellious daughter confined.”

The older voice I heard earlier reappeared as an older, slim build man with grey hair and a subtle ball plate, stepped from behind him.

“I speak to him.” He said. “I am Sethi. The uncle of Alpha Darius’s and also his close advisor.”

Mom looked between them than at me, raising a sharp, you’re-going-to-get-it-later, brow at me.

“I’m sure you do know the treaty of the land, stating the consequences of crossing other’s territory.” Mom said, and for a split second, a sigh of relief came over me. “You’re on my turf, restraining my daughter!”

“We never said we do not know the treaty of the land and the treason if broken.” Old man Sethi said. “But, the treaty also informs us that if one’s property is on foreign soil, he or she has their rights to overstep any boundaries to retrieve what’s rightfully theirs.”

What’s rightfully theirs? What the hell does Mom have that he wants so badly? And I’m the one who’s stuck between all this mess!

Again, there was this awkward silence and I could feel my heart beating out of my chest waiting for Mom to respond.

Come on Mom...say something!

“Perhaps we can settle this in a more private matter,” Mom said. “If it’s land, money, or cattle... I would be obliged to reconsider.”

“What the hell do you take me for?” Alpha Darius said growling lowly. “I don’t want your Land, Money, or Cattle! I’ve got mines in abundance!”

“Than what is it you want?” Mom asked confusedly.

He glanced down and me, eyes hard. I looked around at his pack as their eyes glowed vibrantly in the shadowy background.

I could feel his grip tightening on my wrist as Sethi speak out.

“I’m thrill to inform you, Alpha Darius has finally reached a milestone in his life,” Sethi said as a small smirk curled on his wrinkled face.

Milestone? W-what milestone?!

“And what do me, my pack, and my daughter has to do with that?” Mom asked, placing her feet firmly on the ground.

“It has a lot to do with it, but most importantly, your daughter,” Sethi replied.

“M-me?” I said taking deep breaths. “I don’t know what he’s talking about, Mom! I swear! I-I SWEAR!”

My lungs felt like it was going to burst as I breathed in and out sharply. There were so many mixed signals getting thrown about and still, I remained clueless.

Mom sigh. A frail look of disappointment and disbelief came over her face.

“Spill it!” She said, refusing to look me in the face.

“Spill what! I shouted trying to pull out of his grip. “Spill what Mom?”

“Miss Joel,” Sethi said, wishing that I never asked. “You’re the Alpha’s prize mated.”

I felt my breath and my consciousness gradually leaving my body. This wasn’t real! This has to be a joke! Please! Please tell me this is a horrible dream.

My body started to shake out of my control as my eyes glance up at him.

The thrill was all over his face and his eyes danced with excitement, smiling menacingly down at me.

Mate! I’m his... Mate?

“Yes...you belong to me...” He seethed. “Every bit of you, flaws and all, is mine... You’re all mine!”

A/N

Whoosh! Guys, this chapter was intense, or what? Let me know your thoughts on this chapter.

Don’t forget to Like👍, Comment 💬, and Share a Review⭐

Thank you so much for your patience!

💙🖤💙🖤💙🖤

P.S: Don’t we all want a friend like Sarah?😍🤗

Read Chapter Six (Click the link below)

[ask-svt-hearteu]

“to all admins (who are so beautiful it is sO UNFAIR) : it’s me!!! sofia ahaha and im sending this a lil early because i wont be home for christmas (:p) and i’d like to thank all of you because i can’t send over gifts due to the ocean. damned water. somewhere in december, i think on the 14th??? i will have known this blog for 5 months ! which isn’t that long but im looking forward to spending many more weeks and months on this wonderful blog. all the admins are so, so friendly, nice, amazing, interesting, beautiful, etc etc. thank you for talking to me ! thank you for being here for me during the tough times! thank you for your advice, thank you for your jokes, your rants, your posts, your everything. this blog has given me as much joy as seventeen does. really! i’m so happy i stumbled upon this blessing of a blog when i was still a baby carat and needed more knowledge. 

but please, you guys, get enough rest okay? i heard that someone (like joshua’s wife cough) doesnt get enough sleep and i swear im flying over. all of you are humans and you need rest. you all are in school and you need rest from school (which can be a pain lets be honest) and a break from writing. remember, we, as your readers and fans, care more about your health than how fast you answer our asks. we want you all to be happy and we wish we could give you back the happiness youve given us with this blog. i hope that in 2018, the blog will earn many,many more followers, the admins will make many more friends, and get more supporters (ok but i still dont understand why and how people send hate to the admins?? like fuck you man, these people work so hard arghhh don’t send them hate just because you’re pathetic and lonely and deprived of love and all the good things in life. Legit everytime I see a post about a hater i want to throw a pan at the shithole who hated on these amazing creatures. @jun @minghao @hoshi @scoups jom let’s go beat up the haters im bringing my frying pan and my sunat knife y’ALL BETTER WATCH OUT LATER KENA I SUNAT YOU) drink water, not alcohol : okay sO YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT A HUMAN IS ALLOWED TO BE A TALENTED WRITER, PRETTY ENOUGH TO BE A MODEL AND BE A SINGER ????? JESS IDC WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE G O R G E O U S YOU’RE SO QR3UBFD-BGQIF and you’re so talented and friendly and n i c e. You’RE SO HARDWORKING AS WELL YOU’RE IN YOUR LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL AND STILL WRITE ON THIS BLOG AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN (it really touched me when i told you me and my best friend were fighting and you sent me tons of dino pics and tagged me in pictures of him. that really cheered me up , thank you :D) i think you’re the first admin i started to talking to hahahaha and even though im really annoying you still talked to me? like ?? i heard that you’re in your last year of high school and i wish you the best of luck !!! do only what you want to do. Don’t stress about choosing the right college/uni or the right course, just do what you want to. Please take your time with the blog, college tends to stress writers out and whenever you feel stressed rEST PLEASE. pls make many many new friends in college and have a better diet than ramen 24/7 which doesnt sound too bad but that’s a lot of sodium. i hope everything goes well for you but remember if anything goes wrong or u just wanna talk im here! love youuu bb. 10:10 : ok sERI. WE REALLY NEED TO FIND TIME TO TALK because whenever i text you you’re in class and whenever you text me im about to sleep (damn these timezones) sighh. it’s okay if i ever have kids, i’ll sell them and buy a plane ticket to meet you. okay when i first started talking to you i was really impressed because you’re really..tough? like i really people with thick skin and people who don’t give a shit about what other say and tbh i’m trying to be more like that. people like that are so cool !! and ur so pretty and cool sighh im so jealous (you have vv nice lips dONT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY I JUST THINK THEY’RE VV PRETTY oR dO I) also you’re really smart ! like you’ve gotten full marks for a test like woah hoshi is so lucky. i hope you remain thick skinned and brush the haters away, but it’s okay to feel bad once in a while, you’re only being human. but you can talk to me any time you feel down or u just wanna talk or rant or vent. i hope you don’t stress about school, please take a break if you have to (i dont want you to go away i want you to get the rest you deserve)anyways i love you ! my name is soonyoung, call me soon : APA KHABAR MY MALAYSIAN FREN ahaha im soooo happy i met you on tumblr. *ur the aesthetic queen* . i hope that we meet in person soon or one day because we live in the same country and won’t it be cool to see each other? we should have a photoshoot together. speaking of photoshoot im very happy to have a model sensei to teach me how to pose. also ur one hell of a sweetheart. you always share fandom things with me and i tend to fangirl in the middle of tesco or class because of you. hmm if seventeen ever come back to malaysia we should meet at their concert, given both of us are going. i’d really love to know more about you lmao you’re so interesting and you’re really patient with me!!! which is reallly nice. okay bb let’s find a date when both of us are free and leggo have some fun. i hope you don’t ever have to feel sad. well actually i think sadness is vital to humans so maybe anger. i hope you’ll continue to be very peaceful and freak out w carats and kpop fans across the glose and i hope that one day you’ll see naega hosh up close and p e r so nal. ilysm bb xxx my i geddit because wo ai ni so ur my love heh : hello my wife /name twin ish / dancer girl / jun’s / blessing to thie world. oh my god we need to talk moreeeee. ur so funny and we’re so alike (like we both swear like pigs) but we’re different because you’re so good at dancing! heck, whenever i dance i blind people from a 5 kilometre radius. all the other admins say you could dance my i with jun and i am sHOOK BECAUSE ho l ee s h i et also do you know what i would give to see you dance with jun? i’d give up all my memes. yeah, that’s right. my knowledge of all memes and vines and fre sh a vacado. apart from your dancing skills, you’re very, very pretty. i can’t believe you think you’re ugly , sweet jisoos, you’re have… the beauty of all the sunsets in the world. you’re actually really nice (stop protesting) because you’ve listened to me rant about all the damn drama in my life and you gave me advice. and you’ve never lost your patience with me. jeez i love youuuu !!! you’ve laughed with me and sent me dino pics to make my heart explode and you were there when i did something really stupid on kakaotalk. sighhh good times amirite? well we can still talk on tumblr. i hope you continue being yourself, the amazing person you are. xx love you to bits. seventeenteenteen : i survived. you havent killed me yet. i have stuck to dino faithfully. well actually, my first bias for like, a week, was memesol but then dinosaur found his way into my heart. i know y’all are busy and it may be hard but please rest. please don’t read mean comments, please love yourselves, please eat well. please do anything that would make you happy. each and every one of you are so, so important to me and i hope all of you are healthy. the8 please rest, i hope you get better soon. scoups, i hope that fever is gone. dino, i hope you find someone that makes you really really happy and i hope you wake up with a smile on your face each day and i hope people will stop prying into your personal life because you deserve to find someone you love and you deserve to be able to love that person without hate. i hope all of you don;t feel pressured to keep away from relationships because of selfish “fans” and i hope all of you will be happy. @josh @hoshi @jun you guys, please take care of your aegis. @josh wish ur gf luck for college, @hoshi stop killing these girls w ur visuals and @jun im waiting for u and sophia’s dance duet. i love all of you with all my heart <3333 thank you for a wonderful 5 months, i hope many more will come. love, sofia xx add on : i wrote this note before jonghyun killed himself and i’d just like to say this to everyone. the admins and the readers ; please ask for help. you are not alone. people are here for you. mental illness is not and will never be a light topic. suicide is never the answer. i know it’s hard but you need to stay, because we need you. i need you. it doesnt matter if we are close friends or complete strangers : you are so important. you are strong and brave and kind and smart and beautiful and you can get through this. you have people willing to listen. if somehow the whole world refuses to listen, im here. there are people around you who care deeply about you and please, stay. if any of you feel sad about the recent tragedy, take a break from tumblr, okay? i love all of you and please, stay safe. — sofiafabulousphan”

Admin Jess: Sofia, bb T^T I honestly can’t express how much your words mean to me. I love you so so much thank you for everything. I honestly won’t deny, it’s hard. I think it will always be difficult to a certain degree to run this blog. Not that I don’t love every second of it believe me, I just (LMAO LEAVE IT TO ME TO START TEARING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF TYPING THIS) I’ve never wanted to do something I wanted to just because I can.  I don’t run this blog expecting anything in return. I do it because I genuinely love, love the happiness it brings other people, because I love seventeen and I love doing it all. If I didn’t love it with all my heart I don’t think I would have held up this long. You’re right, it’s my last year of high school. My hardest year because I decided to take a multitude of difficult classes. I have cried tears over so many classes (I’m crying writing this response omfg PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER JESS), I have had plenty of mental breakdowns, a lot of crying whenever someone simply asks me if I’m ok or suggests I get more sleep. I have been an emotional wreck all year. It is my fault though, I did decide to take challenging courses this school year, but one can only run on four hours of sleep everyday for so long and not be emotional I guess. AND I WAS TERRIFIED. I was so scared that in the course of this year, through all the difficult hours of studying and finishing homework at 2/3am in the morning before having to wake up at 6am and walk to school by 7am, that I wouldn’t have the time or effort to do just the one thing I wanted to do the most in the world. I only had one real hobby I loved doing and it was running this blog (again hella emotional and dramatic sorry it’s like one am here when I’m writing this). So I forgo sleep to get everything done. It’s not healthy but in my mind, if I gave up on this blog for one day, that one day might turn into two days, which would turn into a month, and then I’d never be able to do anything ever again just because I kept pushing it off, treating it as if it didn’t mean the world to me when it so very dearly does. OK I’M RAMBLING ABOUT MYSELF NO ONE CARES JESS AHEM,,, My point is, I sacrificed sleep for school and this blog not because I was forced to, but because if I slept, this feeling of guilt when I woke up in the morning, a feeling of “ahh I could have done more, I could have been better” would permeate my mind for who knows how long. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I hate disappointing people. So to hear you say this blog and all the stuff we do on it makes you happy? It makes me think maybe I’m not such a big disappointment after all, and maybe if I keep working hard, I can continue making more people happier, and that’s all I really want. True, with college approaching, I can’t make any guarantees. I anticipate not being able to do anything at all, and that idea is scary too and makes me want to work even harder now while I still can. I will definitely try to get more rest though??? I mean no one likes a sleep-deprived me at 3am lmao, I may seem nice but at 3am I’m bawling my eyes out over homework and cursing at my posters and pictures of Seventeen and school and textbooks in like three different languages (it’s not pretty lol). So yes rest? Idk what that is... but I’ll try??? fjnvksjn? I think I recall when you first sent in an ask, I’m not too sure but honestly the blog is about as old as you’ve been here so thank you for being one of our first supporters (did you have a book with a flower icon hmm trying to recall)! The hate I think will always be a thing I’m sure, I just don’t know how to deal with it T-T I am very naturally a sensitive human bean, what can I say... LMAO I’M NOT GORGEOUS THOUGH it’s called filters, lighting, angles, and makeup. The only reason I look anywhere near decent is because I use a combination of those things to hide all my flaws LMAO. As for singing, I’m not super? I can sing a pitch correctly I suppose? I can sing a chromatic scale? Idk if that qualifies as good singing (I can definitely sing svt songs in broken Korean shamelessly no matter where I go though). I’m really not that good, but I’m not awful like a dying seal or smth. I don’t even think I’m a talented writer, I just try my best I guess. I do sincerely try my hardest. YOU’RE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL I 117% would listen to you rant or scream about anything and I’m just super grateful you don’t think I’m annoying lsnfdnvd. OF COURSE I THINK YOU AND CHAN ARE THE CUTEST (or you and Jongdae pick your poison;) and of course I sent all those Channie pics omfg, I’m always here if you need it^~^ Thank you for all your kind words love (AND IMMA PRETEND YOU DIDN’T CALL ME JOSHUA’S WIFE BC MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT KDFJNVKSBBDIBI I’LL CALL YOU CHAN’S WIFE ISTG I WILL) make sure to take care of yourself and you’re always welcome to come talk to me bb :)

Admin Meagan:  aaaHHHHHHH, really appreciate you Sofia ✨😩 Gosh, can't believe you wrote us sub a long essay AHAHAHAH. Also, SUNAT KAU AHAHAHAHAHAHAH (Non-Malaysians  wouldn't understand lmao) But yeeeee, thank you so so much baby for taking the time to send this ask in <3 It's been amazing knowing you and gosh you are such a sweetheart! Also, Chinese New Year is soon, let's go out together ;)) Cafe hopping at SS15 maybe? Hehe. I want my postcard AHAHA and to spend time with you of course!! <3 You are such a bright individual and Chan loves you hella lots. Thank you for always sending us such encouraging messages and for being a good pal really. But for reals, you mean a lot to me and gosh I can't wait to meet you. Also I not model material lah AHAHAH, only a certain days ;) but yess!! A photoshoot would be amazing haha, I can try to teach you some tips lmao. And yes, thank you for caring about our mental health. January hasn't been the best month for me, honestly it's been horrible but stuff like this really warms up my heart yah know. So yes, really really appreciate you man. Keep being so spunky and loveable. Take care, stay safe and I hope we get to meet each other soon ❤️

Admin Seri: SERIously SERIously, you have no idea how much this warmed my heart. ahh i so wish we could find a better time to talk, i’ll work on that :’) i’m not very good at expressing my feeling through words! and for that mianhae mianhae. in fact, that’s one very VERY COOL thing about you!!! expression your feelings isn’t the easiest and hey, use those feelings to brush for those haters. as you know love, other people’s opinions don’t effect me BUT THERE’S NOTHING WRONG with being affected! just know, those people are irrelivant, and once you realize they can’t do a single fucking thing to you unless you let them, it gets a bit better <3 but GIRL i remember you from the VERY being!!! i can’t believe you stuck around this long , you’ve seen all the changes, how much we’ve grown, it’s seriously amazing. becoming an admin (sure as hell didn’t know it back then) was definitely my HIGHLIGHT of twenty seventeen. there’s not a day that goes by where i regret it, not at all, even when our inbox is loaded or when i have writers block. and you being here along that journey warms my heart so so much! i’m not kidding sometimes i find myself in the middle of the night looking through all the comments or reblogs and GOSH i just see every single sweet sweet message you leave. AND OH MY GOD I’M ALREADY FOR SURE GONNA VISIT AJVBELJNGR IM ALREADY PLANNING TO ONE DAY TO SEE MEAGAN SO LIKE DUHHHH WE COULD MEET UP!!! just augh i’m super super grateful for you message jinja jinja ily~~~ <333 !!! {p.s. i totally wrote bodyguard reader! Chan thinking of you, ngl}

Admin Soph: As much as I love you and as much as you’re my ai. DONT GIVE UP YOUR MEMES FOR ME WTAF. MAN I LOVE YA BUT MEMES ARE IMPORTANT XD. And you might only be disappointed after watching me dance with Jun. Ah I wish we could talk more too :””) We get along so well and Im fucking positive were soulmates just looking at how similar we are XD. Ah im not really good at things like this. Im really speechless because damn boi I love ya and you took the time to write all this for us :””). Youre an angel sent from the heavens. AND ME PRETTY??? NUUUUUUUU.Just like what Jess said, filters and lighting exists. Im only cute tho (char). But youre more prettier than me love. Both inside and outside. You're as beautiful as the northern lights. And like the northern lights, you light up my dark days :””). We dont talk much but we always check up on each other man. Goddamn I love ya. I hope we can make more stupid but fun memories together ^^. And I will literally hug the shit outta you when we meet. Also can we like talk about how much we appreciate ya? You’re always in our inbox sending adorable and heartwarming asks to both Svt and us. I remember telling you that your asks about the admins literally brightens our day. How you're little “I hope the admins stay safe” means so much to us. I really hope you only experience happiness for the rest of your life. You’re a person I really appreciate and love. AS MUCH AS I LOVE JUN. HELL YEAH I SAID IT. hAHHAH Dont be afraid to come to me if you have any problem. I will always be here to talk to you and help you love ^^. Please take care of yourself too. DonT FUCKING SKIP MEALS. GET A LOT OF SLEEP OR IM GETTING CHAN AND JONGDAE. Ah im sorry if I didnt say a lot. I want to say a lot but I literally dont know what to say :””). I WILL MESSAGE YOU A LONG AS MESSAGE ON YOUR BDAY OR SOMETHING. I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY TO YOU GADBSVF ASNMK. For now, I love you and take care of yourself. You are loved by a lot and I hope your life gets filled with happiness and joy. Im also always here if you ever need to talk ^^

[denimwrites-archive]

Flowers and Feelings

Prompt: I saw this headcanon on @lovethyfanperson ‘s page (created by @nosemeocurrenada77) and I thought it was too cute to pass up Original Post

Fandom: Dear Evan Hansen

Pairing: Connor Murphy X Reader

Summary: Senior year is really sinking in, and you don’t want to leave behind all that has grown to be familiar. Connor shares your sentiments and assuages your fears, but Evan doesn’t quite agree with his way of going about it.

Word Count: 1,778

Warnings: Language, slight talk of mental illness, fear of the future, nothing super major I don’t think

A/N: A big thank you to @nosemeocurrenada77 and @lovethyfanperson for allowing me to use this prompt. I hope I did okay since this is my first time writing anything for DEH and I still haven’t been able to read the book yet, so if anything is ooc I probably don’t know. And I kind of focused more on Connor and flowers than Evan but I think that’s also because I don’t think he’d want to be very confrontational idk (Also it’s not like I’m projecting on the reader or anything, so what if I’m a senior and slowly dying from the prospect of imminent adulthood? Nope totally not about me)

~~~

It had been another long week of hell, a.k.a. school, and you were ready to collapse from the amount of shit you still had to do. Why does getting into college have to be so hard? you thought, flipping through yet another SAT prep book. Your eyes weren’t even absorbing any of the words and your head was starting to hurt. I can’t believe I’m subjecting myself to this on a Saturday. Why can’t I just watch cartoons?

Your thoughts were interrupted by a text from Connor. You gave a tired smile before opening it to see he wanted you to meet him at the park. Gratefully accepting a break from killing your brain, you replied that you would be there in a few. Grabbing your keys and other necessities, you headed out the door.

When you got there you saw Connor spread out on the grass in his normal spot, looking at the clouds. You laid down next to him and you both sat quietly for a good while, just enjoying each others company and the nice autumn day. The leaves were starting to change color and the breeze was getting colder, but the change was that much heavier this year because of its finality.

Soon the year would be over, and then it was only a few months until the rest of your life. College, job, and whatever else the world had in store for you. It seemed that everything was riding on ending your high school career on a high note, and after years of monotone repetition, you were unsure if that was even possible.

You were dragged out of your thoughts by a hand in yours. Turning to look at Connor, you see that he was already studying you. You squeezed his hand and he squeezed back before refocusing on the clouds rolling by. A few more minutes of silence stretched between you two, with your hands still intertwined, before he raised his other hand to point out a cloud shape.

“That one looks like Mr. Montgomery.” He gestured towards what looked more like a hippo, making you laugh lightly. That teacher did usually act like one while trampling through the halls.

“More like Mr. Johnson,” you retorted thinking of the biology teacher who made it a habit to just sit at his desk and play videos as a way of teaching, reminding you of the lazy mammals. You could tell Connor was contemplating your observation before making a noise of agreement and then moving on to the next cloud. This continued for a while, until the sky was empty.

Connor sat up and looked down at you before squeezing your hand and getting up. You followed him over to a park bench in the shade where you sat and leaned against his chest, soon getting lost in thought again.

You felt him nudge you softly and looked up at him. His brow was furrowed and you could tell that he wanted you to say what was on your mind. You didn’t want to talk about it though, Connor was getting better and you would not have your negativity bring him down.

“It’s nothing,” you lied, with the attempt of a smile on your face. He just gave you a look that screamed If it’s nothing then I’m Jared Kleinman. You roll your eyes with a sigh before looking at your shoes.

You can feel Connor roll his eyes before grabbing your hand in his and rubbing his thumb on the back of it, something that’s become a thing between you two when either of you need to show support. Your lips perk at the soothing feeling of his motions, and you let out another sigh before turning to look at him.

You see the patience in his eyes, and turn to look back at the park before speaking.

“Everything feels like it’s ending.” You can feel him slightly tense up at your bluntness, but his hand is still there, keeping you weighted. “Senior year is already a month over, and that leaves so little time before the rest of the world crashes in. Yeah, we’ve all been wading into the world of adulthood with jobs and stuff, but that’s nothing compared to what’s out there. And then there’s college to think about and…” you trail off, getting lost in your thoughts again.

Connor squeezes your hand and you take a deep breath before continuing. “Nothing is permanent, but I really wish we could just stay here, trapped in a perfect moment forever. Everything seems to be going too fast, and I’m not ready for it. I don’t think I ever will be.”

You glance at Connor, kind of expecting him to go on his own talk about how the future is a daunting thing, but he sits in silence for a few minutes. You look back at the park and people watch, until he finally speaks.

“I understand why you feel that way. I kind of think everyone does senior year. But…” he stops, trying to get his thoughts together, “just because the future is uncertain and there’s all this stuff that feels like it could drown you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to swim. If you need help, there are life preservers and lifeguards and fucking floaties for god’s sake.”

He trails off, and you can tell that he’s trying hard to make sure that he’s delicate with his response while also saying what needs to be said. “I know that it seems like things might not work out, but that’s just the fear of the unknown creeping into your mind. And the whole point of having friends and stuff is so that you aren’t facing it alone,” he gives your hand another squeeze, “and I promise that I’ll be there for you, just as you’ve been there for me during the past few months.”

You look at him before leaning in and giving him a kiss, which he returns in earnest. You know that it’s still hard for him to fully verbalize how he’s feeling, but his words put your mind at ease, at least for now. And if what he said was true, which you really believed it was, he would be there to remind you when these thoughts ultimately returned.

After you broke away, he kissed your temple, and you sat there for a few more minutes in silence. Then Connor pulled you up and you began to walk one of the park’s many paths, kind of just wandering. Your hands were intertwined and every once in awhile he would bring your hand up to his mouth and give it a quick peck, drawing a smile to your face.

As you continued your walk, you became more and more relaxed. When you came upon a patch of flowers, you stopped to admire them. Following that old saying, you smelled them and were about to continue on your walk when Connor picked one and put it in your hair. Your cheeks warmed and Connor smiled at the sight.

The next thing you know, he dropped your hand before going back to picking flowers, this time trying to wrap the stems into a sort of circle. You stand and watch him for a good ten minutes, just admiring the way he’s putting such effort into whatever he was doing.

Finally he was finished and he turned to you before placing it on your head. You look up as it slightly falls over your eyes and move to adjust it, but Connor does it instead, incredibly gently so that it stays together.

“How do I look?” you ask, striking a silly pose. You hear a camera shutter and see Connor’s phone pointed towards you. He shows you the photo and you admit that you look good in your custom made flower crown. You lean in and kiss his cheek and you hear the shutter again. You roll your eyes, but smile at his antics. Seeing the photo of you kissing him and his big smile just makes you happier than you could describe.

Then you’re walking along the path, hands linked once again. You feel like the weight on your shoulders is just a little bit lighter, and give Connor’s hand a squeeze. He looks at you and you just smile at each other, happy that you’re together.

When you come around the next bend, you bump into Evan and you greet him, but you can tell he’s a little preoccupied by something. Then you see him staring at your head. “Admiring Connor’s handiwork, are you? I’m sure if you asked nicely he’d make one for you too, Hansen,” you tease him slightly.

You see his cheeks turn slightly red before he stutters out, “Where did you find the flowers?”

“Somewhere off the path back there,” Connor answered, gesturing behind you. You could see Evan try to peer around you to see if he could see the flower bed, but he turned his attention back to Connor when he couldn’t see it.

“Y-you shouldn’t just go and p-pick flowers, it can damage the plant,” Evan said, sounding almost stern. You share a look with Connor before carefully pulling one of the flowers out of your flower crown and handing it to Evan with a small smile.

“Flowers are to be admired Evan, but we promise not to disturb the nature of the park in the future, okay?”

He takes the flower from you, returning your light smile, and you pat his shoulder before pulling on Connor’s hand and continuing your walk. Throwing a quick, “See you later Evan,” over your shoulder.

Your walk lasts another hour or so, with a little bit of random conversation interspersed throughout. You pass by Evan again, and see him tending to some of the plants, pulling weeds and such. You give him a small wave and he waves back before going back to looking after the nature of the park. You know that he’ll make a good park ranger or botanist if he chose to become one.

Soon enough you and Connor had looped back around to the parking lot and you were saying your goodbyes. And as you drove home, now thinking about the things you still had to get done once more, you felt more calm.

Connor had become your rock over the course of your relationship, and you his. The future still wasn’t spelled out in black and white, and you sure as hell weren’t prepared for everything, but that wasn’t going to stop it from coming, or stop you from facing it with your handsome support system at your side.

[smovlov]

S240 - Quickbeam to Marshall

This is a write-up I posted to the Rivendell Owners Bunch. I rode from SF to marshall Saturday July 1 to Sunday July 2. Click the break if you would like to read it!

all dressed up and somewhere to go

Started on July 2nd around 4:00 in the afternoon. Took the BART over to Embarcadero station and went to the ferry building where I got an empanada and a coffee ice cream in a sugar cone. snacked on those and took a few photos.

Ferry Building with Quickbeam foreground

Made a quick stop at the marina Safeway to pick up some bananas, protein bar, avocado, 4 pack of Hawaiian rolls, and a vegan chocolate chip cookie. After that I did a quick visit down to fort point where I encountered a pod of humpback whales breaching and lobtailing under the Golden Gate Bridge! I spoke to a woman named Elizabeth who was snapping some photos and she sent some to me! 

Humpback lobtailing in the SF Bay, photo credit: Elizabeth

under the Golden Gate Bridge

I stood under the bride for a while until it got too chilly. it was after I got over the bridge that I realized that it would be dark by the time I got to the campsite. I was planning on riding through the Marin headlands and going to Samuel P. Taylor the back way but did not feel like riding later into the night. I pressed on to Corte Madera.

Mt. Tamalpais in the distance, Quickbeam again, foreground

I took the highway route which I had not done before, feels scary facing traffic on 101 separated by a chain link fence, low guard rail, and an emergency lane. I think ill take my chances with traffic on Camino Alto next time. The ride on the trail through Ross and San Anselmo is always nice. I especially like Shady Ln, even more when there is no traffic. I stopped shortly in Fairfax to do a little snacking on a banana, bar, and some bread. I was thinking that whites hill was a little closer so I switched to my lower gear (36,21). Only when I started riding did I realize it was much farther, especially when you're spinning 45 gear inches! I didn't mind it though as it was a nice change of pace, even slowed down a little bit. Finally I hit the hill, its not terribly long or steep but it is a climb, especially with a load and riding a fixed gear in flip flops. I reached the top and spun downhill to a little turnout next to a raving where I switched into the high gear. From here, I rode through the San Geronimo valley. By this time is was dusk and the hills were turning into images that should be painted, photographed, and cherished. I thought about taking a photo but decided to take it all in and keep pedaling with the slight downhill to Lagunitis. 

I arrived in Lagunitas, home of the brewing company of the same name, and jumped onto the Marin cross trail. I tilted the light back just a little to capture any stray branches that were at face level. The ride was pleasant and I didn’t see anyone on the trail. Come to think of it, I hadn't ridden next to anyone since Sausalito!

cycling the Marin Cross Trail, B&m Eyc provides good light

I pulled into the hiker biker site at Samuel P. Taylor state park around 8:30, had dinner and a chat with two groups there. Two dads had brought their 4/5 year old daughters form Corte Madera on the back of two Yubas (think xtracycle/big dummy). The other group parked at Lagunitas and rode in by bike to score a site. I slept without a tent (don’t own one) and listened to the raccoons quarreling down by the stream.

In the morning had a breakfast of banana, oatmeal, and earl grey tea. Bid everyone farewell then headed to Pt. . Reyes Station. the Marin Cross Trail is a great trail with wonderful scenery I hit the bottom of the hill and switched into the lower gear.

Marin Cross trail in the morning light (if 9am counts as morning)

Base of climb up to Bolinas Ridge trail head

Topping out at Bolinas ridge and back into the higher gear, I spun down into the valley, heading towards Pt. Reyes Station.

Top of Bolinas Ridge, ready for the downhill. Drying laundry on the saddle bag.

Arrived at Bovine Bakery and got a fruit slipper (blueberry and cream cheese), armando bun (blueberry and walnuts), and a hot coffee. Sat out front for a while then purchased some more food at the grocery across the street. When I returned to pack everything up I met a man named Jody. We talked bikes, mountain bike history, architecture, construction, and the state of the SF Bay Area in general. Jody had to help his friend unloading a truck so I headed to Marshall for some seafood. There’s a series of rollers that don’t quite fit into my high or low gearing. It was at this time I found out that I have a third gear right in the middle cross chained between my 36 front and 17 rear. I named it the roller gear. I cruised the narrow highway 1 and turned off at the Tomales Bay trail for a little exploration. Bumped down the trail to meet the foot of the marshy bay. Changed out of my pants and into some shorts then headed back to hwy 1 in a tiny exploratory loop.

Trail out to Tomales Bay

Foot of Tomales Bay

Got back on hwy 1 and an appetite was gaining on me. Finally got to Marshall store and ordered six BBQ oysters and a crab sandwich. The oysters were great and by the time I was finished I was wondering how I would find the room to finish the sandwich. Luckily the sandwich never came and I got a refund. I spoke with a couple visiting from Sacramento and gave them a few suggestions on things to do then headed off on my way back to Pt. Reyes. On Saturday I was considering heading up to Jenner but decided against it as it would take too long to ride back the following days.

These were excellent and surprisingly filling, maybe it was the bread!

Note: not a normal sized fork but larger than a standard cocktail fork

It was on the return leg that I started to feel some tightness in my right Achilles tendon. At one point, I stopped to strectch on the side of the road and found in the grass a Stanley 6 1/12 block plane! What luck! Back in Pt. Reyes I grabbed some ibuprofen and WD-40 (not great but it works). One helped the heel and the other helped the squeaky chain. I continued down highway 1 through Olema Valley, accompanied by a consistent headwind

Olema Valley, equipped with great road surface and strong headwind.

Bolinas Lagoon

Made it to Stinson Beach where I laid out in the sand, stretched my legs, then soaked my feet in the chilly Pacific. When leaving I saw a young teenager getting his book bag raided by the park service. Nearby there was a paper plate with pot and an big fat in progress joint.

By the time I left Stinson it was starting to get chilly

From Stinson I decided that instead of taking the detour up Panoramic highway, I would try to dodge the barricade at the Steep Ravine landslide on highway 1. I watched the highway from the beach and saw some cyclists riding down and a few cars driving up so I figured there might be a way around. It was a beautiful exposed climb. Felt like I was riding into the sky!

Stinson Beach below, Pelicans above, magic all around!

When I reached the barricade, I found a lot of fence, a lot of signs, and a police vehicle on the other side. I briefly considered portaging through the Dipsea trail but with a mildly large load and a narrow trail I felt like my best bet would be to descend and take the detour route. Switched back to high gear and spun down to the base, stopping briefly to ponder the pacific ocean and watch some sport climbers attempt a route down at Mickey's beach.

This approach has worked a total of one times, Authority vehicle in background.

unspecific Pacific pondering

At the base of Panoramic I put some water in my bottle and switched into the lower gear. I changed into pants and a shirt as the fog was rolling in and it was getting chilly. I had driven the road before and thought that it would be difficult on a bike, what I didn’t realize is how LONG it was! The climb for me was not easy by this point and I could have sworn it was over seven or eight switchbacks earlier! I think its around 1300' in about 5 or 6 miles. Finally, after climbing out of the fog I reached Pantoll, hot and tired with the fog gaining on me. I ate some bread and nibbled on the Armando bun, refilled the bottles, and switched back into high gear. Almost didn’t make it over the first hill out of parking lot!

foggy and chilly panoramic highway

Spun down Panoramic towards Mill Valley riding the brakes. Traffic was heavy due to the detour and I felt the need to pull off to let the cars pass. Conditions turned epic when I hit the ridge with fog and 25mph winds whipping though. Dropped into mill valley and put on wool socks, changed batteries in my rear light, and switched to the middle gearing. At the Tennessee valley intersection I met Mark, who slowed and allowed me to pull alongside. He asked me about my bike and my tour (not much of a tour, more of an extended ride). He was riding a very nice silver Davidson with a Dura-Ace group. He was preparing for a tour in northern Californian around the Trinity Alps. We talked about riding and a little bit about bikes. He also showed me the back way to get through Sausalito which was pretty cool. Less traffic and a little slower paced which I was completely fine with by this point. After we crossed the foggy, wet, windy Golden Gate Bridge we stopped and chatted for a bit. Hes been riding since moving to California in the 1970's and was turning 78 soon! At the end he said I was doing good for riding on a fixed gear, but I think he was doing much better!

Mark riding at a good clip across the windy, foggy bridge

I finished the ride in my middle gear through the Presidio and ended up getting take out at Osha Thai. Padang curry and coconut rice. Returned to Berkeley via BART at around 9:30pm.

back in "civilization"

Great trip and always great to meet so many nice people. For the most part the cars were polite. I had a few close passes but nothing too bad. I only had one kid yell something at me while riding. Other than that smooth sailing! Next time I might drop my chain rings down 2 teeth each for the "touring" load. I found after the first day, the only reason for the highest gear was for the downhills. Hopefully I can get that freewheel on there before the next ride...

Additional photos here: https://goo.gl/photos/QDize276hRjdi23Y7 

[taeslut]

stay with me in 2017

isnt that cute my title kind of rhymes but hello it is me again and this is more or less my (unofficial) 2nd appreciation post bc its a new year and i thought why not also pls ignore my lack of banner i decided to do this on a whim and i honestly cant wait for my photoshop to start up so (and this is in no order at all):

@hwangsae: my dude no need to worry about ur hermitting we understand and we are a ok just as long as you dont completely forget about us. thank you for helping 2016 be less shitty than it was and i treasure our shits n giggles in form time and english. youre always a riot to be with and its literally never boring with you and thanks for always making cheesecake with me; lets hope there are many more cheesecakes in the future (maybe even one where we use an actual cake tin), im sorry for encouraging a certain someone to talk to you to sort his shit out but no worries if he does anything else imma kick his skinny ass for u. i adore your art (bUT IM STILL RGHWJKDF U DIDNT LET ME KNOW I WAS ONLY THE 89TH AND 90TH NOTE) and i will continue to support you in your art and also whatever you decide to do in the future but i do really hope you join me in classics next year. i cant believe how lucky i am that i met you and we’ve maintained our friendship to this point and its gonnA BE SO FRICKIN GREAT WHEN WE GO TO BALL THIS YEAR IM SO HYPED and im so glad we can share moments like that together. i hope youre not too gutted about your math score bc u can always resit and at least you didnt fail which is always good. i have literally so many things i could say about u n our friendship like ur dispatch level photos of me and youre tendency to eat messily especially sushi but i have other ppl to write about too so i will keep this short and let u kno i appreciate u and love u very very much. youre my best friend and here’s to another (hopefully) great fucking year.

@gooseapartment: even tho u have dubbed me with less than ideal nicknames i am nevertheless grateful for your friendship (s/n: i typed out grateful as greatful at first and i stared at it like this isnt right and i had to stare at it for 5 minutes before i understood). even tho i FUCKING HATED AS MATHS ARUHRGJWUGHI you made it more bearable and easier to understand with your chinese lessons. im sososo happy you have gotten into kpop this year as i have yet another friend i can yell with. even though your jokes are lame and i never laugh at your puns, i still appreciate you so so much and idk how id survive in chem without you next to me (especially considering the people we sit with aside from sophia). our conversations are diverse and never really boring and i love hearing about your sunflowers and other plants and your art and drawings and plans for a yt channel and your art blog that u havent posted on and your different jisoos (how is that going btw). i honestly wouldnt have survived in china without you and thank you so much for keeping in contact with me n using wechat bc china hates google n fb. you are such an incredibly strong and inspiring person and i hope you have the best time on camp (even tho u have less than ideal ppl to do it with LOL). i really really hope you come to ball this year because it wouldnt be the same without :((( thanks for being a part of my life for the past 3 years and lets make it a great 4th

@yixmg: its amazing how we have become so close in such a short amount of time and i am so grateful to have met you and gotten the chance to talk to you and realise that no u r quite different from what i thought but in a good way and thank you for putting up with me for basically the whole year last year with me n serena constantly coming over and thank you for listening to me n my problems n my bitching abt certain people. youre hilarious and one of my favourite people to hang around and i frickin love your vines so much i am sad for you that vine closed down :(((( i hope you dont stop making vines even tho u said u might or take up something like filmography or smth idk but you are so talented and i am jealous. its sad we wont be in the same classics class but i wish you luck with your subjects next year (as is a bitch). ur constant love and support for yixing is so cute and admirable (especially bc i am a slut who changes ults every other day) and i love how rapline is rapline and also (current) exom. it makes me happy how whenever we hang out it always involves food and i hope we can go to sura again and study @ the library and hopefully find a spot this time. i am in a constant state of jealousy at the amount of boys u get dang i wish i couldve walked under cherry blossoms w jshaw :((( i love how hardworking you are and im sososo lucky that i got to be one of your friends. i also used ur pen u gave me for math mocks in my eoy exams and ya girl got an a in english so i also have that to thank you for. lets hope we have many more food outings this year along w korean n chinese movies. thanks for being a part of my life and for making 2016 less shitty for me bay-hope :))))

@pixelatedphysiognomy: hoe thanks for all the hoe posts this past year and extra thanks for the dog posts they are one of the few constants in my sad life and i appreciate them very much. i love how i can tell u abt things that made me angry and you will also get angry. i forgot how the whole hoe things started but i am glad it happened because i dont think we really had the awkward first stages of friendship (but correct me if im wrong lol ) i enjoy talking to u about cartoons and the conversations where we exchange “hoe” for days is something i hold dear to my heart. even tho juniors are annoying u are one of the few (ie 3) that i wouldnt mind being friends with. maybe this year ill join the chess club and become chess grandmaster n if i really wanted to get into the role i know a guy to get some of the good shit. thank you for being a part of my 2016 and i hope you stay for the future years for more than just my licence. also i hope 2017 is the year u come to terms with your hoeing.

@yueu: i didnt know which one to tag so i am tagging the newest one. you are one of the cutest people i know and i love ur out of nowhere questions without any context. thank you for being my awkward bean friend this year and i hope we can become closer in the coming year. i love your art so much and you are so talented and i hope you never stop making art and become famous so i can be Famous By Association. you, much like my only other y10 friends, have become such a big and important part of my life considering the short amount of time we’ve known each other and im so grateful to have a friend like you in my life. i hope we can have a great 2017 together and u get all the bread in the world

@seokjinhoney: i havent talked to u in aaaages omg and i know you are on hiatus but thank you so much for being a part of my life. it was so cool to meet someone like you online and its crazy to find out we’re in the same country and meeting you was so frickin cool. youre such a lovely person and i hope we have more time to talk this year

@hmuhansol: rylee u r one of the coolest people i have met this year. even tho its only been like a few months since we started talking we’re already p close considering we were strangers before. i think its so cool how interest you are in maths n science and i hope everything with your school goes well and u get your job witht he fancy name i have 0 capability of remembering bc i am Dumb As Heck. i hope my package arrives soon and i hope you like it even tho it isnt much but i hope we get closer in 2017 and we can laugh even more abt the memeability of svt

ofc there are more people and im sorry if ive forgotten anyone ive also gotten close to this year but these r my top picks n bffs also excuse me for being sappy n my bad grammar and spelling

i hope everyone has the best 2017 and also for trump to be impeached

[sensitivefern]

‘Most mushroom poisonings happen to the mushroom hunter who relies on myths’... the cap on a mushroom is called a pileus, named after hats worn by some ancient Romans...

===

About your neck you will want to wear a silk kerchief. This is to keep out dust, and to prevent your neck from becoming reddened and chapped. It... should be of the best quality. The poorer grades go to pieces soon, and their colors are not fast. Get it big enough. At night you will make a cap of it to sleep in; and if ever you happen to be caught without extra clothes where it is very cold, you will find that the kerchief tied around your middle, and next the skin, will help surprisingly.

A coat is useless absolutely. A sweater is better as far as warmth goes; a waistcoat beats it for pockets. You will not wear it during the day; it wads up too much to be of much use at night. Even your trousers rolled up make a better temporary pillow. Leave it home; and you will neither regret it nor miss it.

[Stewart Edward White, Camp and Trail]

===

Some time before most of [the] reviews had appeared, the most interesting criticism of all had been published. It was printed in The Brooklyn Times of September 29, 1855, and was written by the man who best understood the purposes of the poems and was not unaware of their faults and probable reaction of the public. The author was Walt himself:

‘Very devilish to some, and very divine to some, will appear the poet of these new poems... an attempt, as they are of a naïve, masculine, affectionate, contemplative, sensual, imperious person to cast into literature not only his own grit and arrogance, but his own flesh and form, undraped... the begetter of a new offspring out of literature... preferring always to speak for himself rather than have others speak for him’.

And so he does, and very modestly for a Whitman who from now on proposes to fight the world until it accepts his poems.

[Henry Seidel Canby]

===

Former circus magician Timothy Drew... operated the ‘Moorish American Science Temple’, with fez-clad disciples in Newark, Pittsburgh, Detroit, and Chicago. Drew, who taught that black Americans were actually Moors from Morocco, foresaw ‘the inevitable destruction of the white or European rule, of which the sign from heaven would be a star with a crescent moon’. His movement would become the Nation of Islam.

[1920]

===

This is Exodus, a wholly uncomprehended book. In proof thereof let us quote from one of our professors of ‘Biblical Literature and Religion’. ‘The culminating incidents of the Exodus was the crossing of the Red Sea. That this was accomplished miraculously, is a matter of clear history’. And what is this ‘clear history?’ The Bible, of course, three times over. ‘The record furnishes us with the facts in triplicate narrative’. Therefore it must be true. But to continue: ‘True there is the admission that, up to the present time no direct reference to the Exodus has been found among the Egyptian inscriptions’. And then follows the credulous reason: ‘Such silence causes no surprise; it is the expected silence of a proud and contemptuous people regarding an event of humiliating circumstances’. This represents modern enlightenment concerning Causation, Truth and Reality, and then we wonder what’s wrong with us morally. Morals, like faith, are the evidence of things not seen, namely, consciousness, enlightenment, wisdom. These our spiritual leaders cannot give us, because they haven’t them to give. Our rabbis, priests and ministers are but ‘innocents abroad’ in an occult world. The scriptures are to them as the Egyptian hieroglyphics before the Rosetta Stone.

There is no end to the explanations these apologists find to prove the historicity of Hebrew mythology; they must prove it lest their own house of cards come tumbling down.

[Deceptions and Myths of the Bible]

===

...I returned to Baltimore, and before leaving the Smart Set office gathered up an armful of review books to examine on the train. Among them was a set of proofs from Harcourt, Brace & Company. Ordinarily, I refused to read books in proof, for handling the loose sheets was an unpleasant chore, but this time, on a sudden and aberrant impulse, I took up the sheaf as soon as the train plunged into the Pennsylvania tunnel. By the time it got to Newark I was interested, and by the time it got to Trenton I was fascinated. At Philadelphia I called a Western Union boy and sent a telegram to Nathan. I forget the exact text, but it read substantially: ‘That idiot has written a masterpiece’. The book was Main Street.

[H.L. Mencken, My Life as Author and Editor]

===

❚NASA's Cassini Begins Its Final Mission Before Self-Destruction

Start mixing your Arnold Palmers, it's time for The Masters.

Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants

Global Meat News is another one of those industry newsletters I follow closely.

At 73, Barry Manilow comes out of closet

White supremacist Bannon removed from National Security Council

Wingnut: God Will Curse Children and Grandchildren of Trump Critics

Fascist former Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s infamous tent city jail is being shut down by his successor after a commission recommended that it be closed. Arpaio, of course, blames it all on George Soros, presumably because Saul Alinsky is dead and Karl Marx isn’t returning his calls.

This Farthead Wants to Rename the St. Louis Zoo 'The Midwest Abortion Sanctuary City Zoological Park' Can you imagine hating something so much that you think, our only option is to involve the zoo animals? I understand that zoo animals don’t care about politics because they don’t understand them. I also can infer that they wouldn’t care even if they could understand them, because zoo animals are prisoners without rights or the hope of parole. But Missouri State Sen. Bob Ond...

Rose Hamlin, a One-Hit Wonder With ‘Angel Baby,’ Dies at 71 Ms. Hamlin’s group, Rosie and the Originals, had only one Top 40 hit, but it was a memorable one. A bittersweet song of teenage love recorded in a converted airline hangar in 1960, “Angel Baby” reached No. 5 on the Billboard singles chart in January 1961 and remains a mainstay of oldies radio. John Lennon was one of the song’s biggest fans. He recorded it in 1973 at the sessions for his album “Rock ’n’ Roll,” although it was not released until 1986, on the album “Menlove Ave.” His recording begins with a spoken introduction: “This here is one of my all-time favorite songs. Send my love to Rosie, wherever she may be.”

HARRISBURG, Pa. — A Penn State University trustee who said he was “running out of sympathy” for people he described as “so-called victims” of Jerry Sandusky is no longer seeking a second term on the board.

Outing mit 73... Barry Manilow spricht über sein Schwulsein

YouTube is launching a streaming TV service Wednesday. It's one of many — Sling, PlayStation Vue and local cable companies among them. But Google-owned YouTube TV offers several features the others don't. They include a cloud-based DVR with no storage limits, allowing users to record as many shows as they want for later playback. Membership also gives access to original series and movies featured on its other subscription streaming service, YouTube Red. And customers can create up to six accounts on one membership, with up to three streams running at once. A subscription costs $...

Helsingborg in southern Sweden is set to become the home of a museum dedicated to some of the biggest flop products of all time, including the Betamax player, the Harley Davidson perfume and an ill-advised "female" pen.

If a prime minister wants to truly unite a nation – one way not to do it is to cook a pizza with spaghetti topping. This seems to be the lesson that New Zealand’s leader, Bill English, can take away after he dabbled in the kitchen and sprinkled his result on social media this week. On Tuesday night English cooked dinner for his family – a 1980s rural Kiwi classic: tinned spaghetti and pineapple pizza. Later, he posted a series of photos of his home-spun efforts on Facebook. The photographs, blurry and un-retouched, caused a culinary uproar on Facebook and Twitter, with some Kiwis declaring they couldn’t vote for a prime minister who so wantonly bastardised Italian cuisine.

DID YOU KNOW THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A REPORTED DEATH LINKED TO THE OVERDOSING OF MARIJUANA?

Adorable CAT Plays with COW