#im doing better than i was earlier this morning ive calmed down a bit

[dullahandyke]

leaving cert students how are we doing

[megalony]

Family of six- Part 4

I’ve finally managed to finish the next part of this Murderer! Ben Hardy series so I hope you will all enjoy it, feedback is always lovely.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr​​ @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah​ @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6​ @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan​​ @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel​ @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c​ @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac​​ @vousmemanqueez​​ @jonesyaddiction​​ @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms​​ @saint-hardy​​ @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex​​ @rogerina-owns-me @hellsdragon​​ @im-an-adult-ish​​ @crazylittlethingg​​ @allauraleigh​​ @onceuponadetectivedemigod​​

Series taglist: @writeroutoftime​​

Series masterlist

Summary: Ben and (Y/n) have a son together and are pregnant again but things take a worrisome turn when (Y/n) develops severe morning sickness and they find out they’re having triplets.

Enjoy.

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"When can we go see mummy?" Billy's voice was quiet and tired but there was curiosity in his words. The five-year-old looked up at Ben with tired eyes that had been staring at the same walls for the past two hours now. Every person that walked past them was a source of interest for Billy because he could think up a story for them and a name like they were characters in a movie he was watching to cure his boredness.

"We'll get to see her soon buddy, she's just with the doctor right now."

Ben rested his chin on top of Billy's head as he tightened his arms around his boy who was perched on his lap leaning back into Ben in a way that showed he was growing tired. For the first half an hour Billy had been silent but content sitting on Ben's lap wrapped up in a comforting hug but then the longer they waited the more uneasy Billy seemed to feel. He wanted to go see (Y/n) and see if she was better and the waiting made him anxious much like it seemed to do to Ben.

To a certain extent Ben didn't mind the waiting, it felt better to wait a long time because it meant that (Y/n) was being treated and checked over. But then again, the longer Ben waited the more it made him suspicious that something had gone wrong for it to be taking this long to get her settled and in a stable condition. Ben didn't want Billy to be here waiting and panicking with him but Ben couldn't take him home in case the doctor came out to talk to him. As soon as the doctor had talked to Ben he would let Billy see her and then take him home.

Ben still had to ring his parents and tell them what was happening, even though they lived almost an hour away he knew that he and (Y/n) would need some help and they were the closest people to help that Ben could think of. (Y/n)'s parents were close by but they weren't on speaking terms with (Y/n) since the moment she got engaged to Ben so he couldn't call them.

This situation was going to go one of two ways, either (Y/n) had suffered a miscarriage and Ben would definitely need his parents around so he could look after (Y/n) and help her cope. Or if they hadn't lost this pregnancy they were going to need a lot more help considering they were only four months along and something like this had happened so early on.

"Is mummy gonna get better?" Billy leaned a bit further into Ben's chest but he wouldn't look up at Ben, a sure sign he was uncomfortable with the topic and was afraid of the answer he was going to receive. He simply looked down at Ben's hand and started slowly drawing patterns on the back of his hand, tracing the pad of his finger over the tattoos on Ben's knuckles. It was fascinating to Billy to look at all of Ben's tattoos but it did sometimes confuse him. Ben had so many different tattoos covering his skin but then Billy would see other people and his friend's parents and wonder why they didn't have half as many as Ben did.

"Course she is, that's why the doctor's looking after her."

"You said when mummy's ill you look after her."

Ben tipped his head back against the wall and rubbed at his eyes for a moment to try and relieve the headache he could feel forming behind his eyes. He didn't like how anxious he could see Billy becoming and he hated that he couldn't do anything about it until he had managed to speak to a doctor.

"Buddy, I'll always look after your mum but when she's sick like this a doctor needs to look after her and give her medicine which I can't do-"

"You give mummy medicine! You give her her tablets, why can't you look after mummy?"

"Baby calm down." Ben hooked his hands under Billy's arms and gently lifted him up so he could turn him around on his lap, wanting his son facing him. He could see the panic building up in Billy's eyes and the desperation creeping in the tone of his voice.

Billy associated hospitals with death and danger and it was somewhere that made him feel unsafe and uncomfortable. When he had a chest infection last year and had to have fluids drained from his lungs it hadn't been a good experience for him considering he had only been four at the time. And he knew Ben had had family go to hospital and never come out again. He didn't want (Y/n) to be here because it seemed like a bad sign to Billy, he didn't quite understand that people went to hospital even when they had only small or minor problems.

Whenever Billy was sick or ill (Y/n) and Ben looked after him and whenever (Y/n) was ill or upset or had any kind of problem, Billy knew Ben always tried to do something to help. He looked after her and calmed her down, Billy wanted Ben to look after (Y/n) and no one else.

"I do give your mum medicine, I sort her tablets out and I look after her, but I don't make those tablets or tell her which ones she needs and maybe she needs some new tablets for now which is why she needs to see the doctor. But when she's better and comes home I'll be the one looking after her I swear. She's gonna be fine baby, you don't have to worry."

Ben rested his chin on Billy's temple and sighed when he felt his boy burrow into his chest like he was trying to curl up and disappear. He hoped his words were enough to calm Billy down because there wasn't much else that Ben could say or do to try and make him feel more at ease and settled right now. He wanted to be able to tell Billy that (Y/n) was going to be perfectly fine and that she could go home soon but he doubted (Y/n) would be going home for a few days at least and he knew she wasn't going to be fine for a few days or even weeks.

But for now he could only tell Billy that (Y/n) was getting the help she needed and it was going to make her better in time.

A few minutes of silence passed between the father and son before Ben looked to the left and instantly recognised the doctor walking towards them as being the one who was now treating (Y/n).

"Buddy, why don't you play a game on my phone for a minute so I can go talk to your mum's doctor?"

Billy looked up at Ben with wide eyes but nodded in agreement all the same, he let Ben pick him up and move him onto the seat next to him before he got his phone out of his pocket. Ben had two phones, one for work and one for personal use which he always let Billy use to play games on. There was no way that Ben could let Billy use his work phone in case he saw something he shouldn't or it rang and Billy tried to answer it. He didn't know what Ben did specifically at the club and Ben wanted to keep it that way.

Getting to his feet, Ben walked a few paces away from the waiting area and over to the doctor who had a warm smile on his face but it didn't make Ben feel any more at ease.

"Mr Hardy?"

"Yeah, is my wife okay?" Ben slipped his hands into his back pockets to stop himself from clenching his hands into fists out of nervousness. He needed to feel like he was in control of every situation or else he didn't know what to do and right now there was nothing about this situation that Ben could control and help with.

"She's awake now. We've put your wife on an IV drip due to how dehydrated she was when you brought her in and she has anti-emetics going straight into her bloodstream so that it actually stays in her system."

With (Y/n) not being able to keep anything down it was the only and easiest option to just have the fluids go straight into her bloodstream along with the medication that will ease her constant sickness feeling. She won't keep throwing up or gagging or generally feeling sick with the anti-emetics and with them going straight into her blood rather than her stomach it meant they could get through her system and work without being thrown up. That was a big relief to Ben to know that (Y/n) could finally have the medication and have it work for once.

"What about the pregnancy?" Ben wasn't stupid, he knew that with the state (Y/n) was in she could have easily miscarried with how dehydrated she was when he found her earlier and if he didn't get to her sooner (Y/n) herself could have become a lot worse off.

"The pregnancy doesn't seem to have been affected. Your wife will be monitored for the next week or two as she is still at risk of miscarrying but with her now having fluids and proteins straight into her system there shouldn't be any problems with the babies."

Ben nodded before he tipped his head down to look at the floor, needing a moment to gather himself and his thoughts. It had crossed his mind more than once about what he would do or say if they lost this pregnancy. Triplets wasn't what they had been expecting or what they initially wanted in the beginning. But they still wanted to have kids and neither Ben nor (Y/n) wanted to lose any of the three new lives they had created.

"We need to keep her in for observation for at least a week so we can get her fluid levels up and get your wife to start eating and monitor the pregnancy and she may need to stay for longer, depending on how quickly she recovers."

"Can I go see her now?"

"Of course."

Ben needed no more than that to make him turn on his heels and head over to where Billy was at contently playing a game on his phone. He scooped Billy up into his arms, letting him continue playing the level of the game he was focusing on.

"Alright buddy, we're off to see your mum now and then I'm gonna take you home, sound good?" He settled Billy on his hip, taking his phone back the moment Billy handed it over, no longer interested in the phone now he knew he could go and see (Y/n). The waiting hadn't been too bad for Billy, he was easily content by looking at his surroundings, his mind had the ability to run away with him and he could sit with his thoughts. But it was the worry of not knowing if (Y/n) was okay that had been hard on Billy.

Ben knew his son had been unsettled and shocked by seeing (Y/n) in such a state. He was very close to (Y/n) so finding her in the bathroom like that and having to see her so ill was frightening for the five year old and it hurt Ben to see his son be so distressed like he had been today.

Neither of them knew what to expect when they entered (Y/n)'s hospital room, although Ben had been told (Y/n) was awake part of him expected her to be asleep or half conscious like she had been earlier.

Ben rubbed his hand up and down Billy's back as they both looked over at (Y/n) the moment they entered the room. (Y/n) still looked as pale as she had done when Ben found her earlier in the bathroom. She could barely keep her eyes open but as he got closer Ben realised that her lips weren't chapped or pale in colour anymore and she didn't have a cold sweat anymore. It was surprising to Ben that (Y/n) was awake right now when she had only been barely lucid earlier and it surprised him even more that she hadn't miscarried. As much as he was relieved and overjoyed that (Y/n) was still pregnant, it was surprising because of how dehydrated she was and how little she had eaten.

There was a drip taped to her left hand and one taped into a vein in her right arm which Ben knew were both for the fluids she needed and the anti-emetics, both of which would be going straight into her bloodstream. There was a monitor checking her heart rate which was thankfully silent at the moment so there was no background noise to focus on.

"Mummy!" Billy started to wriggle in Ben's arms, feeling a desperate urge to scramble over to (Y/n). It had been little over two hours since he had last seen her but Billy was yearning to burrow into (Y/n)'s arms and reassure himself that she was okay.

"Hey baby." (Y/n)'s voice was scratchy and very quiet but the tired smile on her lips was enough to calm Billy right down and make him almost jump out of Ben's arms and onto the bed. He crawled his way up the bed until he was level with (Y/n) and flung his arms around her neck, burrowing into her side when he felt her arms cocooning around him like a safety blanket.

"Buddy be careful with your mum, mind the wires."

Ben leaned over the pair of them so that he could help Billy move under the drips rather than laying on them like he was so that he didn't constrict the fluids (Y/n) needed. When he was sure that Billy wasn't laying on any wires or tubes, Ben sat down in the seat next to the bed.

He could feel his heart beating just that little bit faster in his chest at the sight in front of him. It was normal for Ben to find Billy curled up next to (Y/n) o the sofa or in bed, as much as he loved following Ben around like a lost puppy, he was always attaching himself to (Y/n). But it made something inside of Ben churn to see Billy curled up against (Y/n) when she looked as ill as she did and when she was laid in a hospital bed. It was like Ben was looking at a familiar photo but the background was different or something was missing and it was making him feel uneasy.

"You better now mummy?" Billy tilted his head up so his chin was perched on (Y/n)'s shoulder and the way he looked up at her with puppy dog eyes made her heart melt in her chest. It was as if he was willing for her to be better so they could all go home when deep down he knew (Y/n) wasn't going to be coming home tonight.

"I feel a bit better now baby, but I can't come home just yet." (Y/n) slowly started to card her finger through Billy's hair to try and calm him down when he frowned and looked like he was about to cry.

"Why? Daddy said he can look after you-"

"Buddy don't start that again, please. You know your mum has to stay here and get better before she comes home. The doctor will look after your mum and I'll look after you."

Ben didn't want to go through this again, he knew Billy was just desperate for them all to go back home where he felt safer and more at ease but right now that just couldn't happen. Ben couldn't make (Y/n) better by magic and neither could the doctors and if she went home right now all that would happen would be a repeat of today. (Y/n) wouldn't eat because she wouldn't have the medicine going straight into her vein and she would lose fluids. It was very clear that if she lost anymore fluids they were in danger of losing her and not just the babies.

"What about baby, is baby okay?" Billy still looked unsure and rather deflated at the news that (Y/n) wasn't coming home with them yet but he was clearly trying his best to stay positive. He slowly moved his hand and looked down to (Y/n)'s small bump that he started to rub like he was soothing the baby and making sure they were okay.

Neither (Y/n) nor Ben had the heart or the courage to tell Billy just yet that it wasn't just one baby. They both knew that the news of three new siblings all at once wasn't going to be exactly what he wanted to hear. The five year old did want siblings but he also liked being an only child because he got the attention he wanted from both his parents. Three new babies in the house was going to steal the attention he had so far and it wouldn't be as fun as he thought having a sibling would be.

"Yeah, the baby's okay."

"Can you play a game on my phone again for a minute buddy just so I can talk to your mum before we go home?"

When Billy nodded, Ben fished his personal phone out from his pocket and handed it to Billy when the five year old sat up on the bed. He planted a loud kiss to (Y/n)'s cheek before he slowly scrambled off the bed and sat down on the chair next to the door to give his parents some space to talk.

"I left you for one morning and I end up getting Billy calling me cause you collapsed in the bathroom. Why didn't you tell me how bad you were?"

Ben watched the way (Y/n)'s eyes flicked down to look at her hands which were resting on her stomach so she didn't have to look at Ben's burning gaze. She knew he wasn't telling her off or angry with her but she knew that he was uneasy about this. Billy had to call him and tell him to come home and that was something that had never happened before and that Ben didn't even consider would happen. If (Y/n) just told him how badly she felt in the morning he would have stayed and could have been there when she collapsed instead of her being home alone with Billy.

"Billy called you? I was gonna ring you but everything just seemed to blur and switch off... how badly did I scare him?"

A sigh escaped Ben's lips when he saw the tears forming in (Y/n)'s eyes at the thought of scaring Billy like that. He tangled his hand with hers but moved his other hand to the back of (Y/n)'s head, knotting his fingers into her hair as he leaned to kiss her temple.

(Y/n) didn't remember much about this morning, she knew that suddenly she felt like her insides were churning and as if her stomach was shrivelling up into nothing. When she collapsed in the bathroom everything else seemed to blur together into a mush of voices and movements. She remembered Ben's voice and being in the car but the timeline was skewed, all (Y/n) knew was that Ben had brought her to hospital. Being told that Billy actually had to call Ben made (Y/n)'s heart break in her chest and she knew how badly hospitals upset Billy.

"He didn't understand, he thought you were asleep and asked me to come look after you but he was scared. You were badly dehydrated doll and I can't have you getting that bad again or I'm risking losing you, not just them." Ben's eyes darted down to (Y/n)'s stomach where he moved their entwined hands to brush over her skin.

The thought of losing (Y/n) scared Ben and there was very little that scared him. His family being at any sort of risk was the only thing that could make Ben panic and he wouldn't know what to do if he lost (Y/n), nor did he really know what they would do if they lost this pregnancy. He wouldn't know how to help (Y/n) or what to say or even how she would react to something like that and Ben didn't want to know. He wanted (Y/n) to be safe and okay and for their three babies to be okay.

"The doctor said the medication will start working now and I'm under observation for the next week or two."

"It'll work because it's finally getting into your system for once so hopefully you'll actually be able to eat and drink something. I don't wanna leave you doll because you're still in a bad way but I need to get him back home. I'll get everything covered at the club and bring Billy back tomorrow after preschool, okay?"

Ben didn't want to leave, he wanted to stay and reassure himself that the medication and fluids were working in making (Y/n) better and stopping her state from deteriorating any more than this. But he also needed to get Billy back home for something to eat and to settle him down since he had had a distressing day. He would bring Billy back tomorrow to reassure him that (Y/n) was still okay and getting better and so he could see (Y/n) himself. Ben didn't exactly like the thought of going home and not having (Y/n) there, he hated not having her at home it was always like something was wrong or missing and he couldn't fix it.

But at the same time, Ben knew that Billy would most likely be crawling into bed with him tonight.

When (Y/n) nodded, Ben managed a small smile before he leaned down to press a kiss to her lips. He knew when he first found (Y/n) in the bathroom earlier her lips had been chapped and dry from dehydration but he was relieved now to feel that her lips weren't dry or chapped.

"Okay, come on buddy say goodbye to your mum so I can get you home."

Ben tried to bite back his smile when (Y/n) buried her face into his neck, breathing in his scent which made a shiver run down his spine at the feeling of her breaths against his neck. She didn't want him to go, sleeping without Ben was extremely hard even with how tired and drowsy she felt right now. But he had to go and take Billy home and she knew her boys would be coming back to see her in the afternoon.

"We'll be back tomorrow, doll."

[suitofvibraniumarmor]

Boston Boys [Part Eight]

Summary:  Sebastian ends up in Aurelie’s trauma bay; Chris is MIA. Pairing: Chris Evans x OFC, John Krasinski x OFC Word Count: 1675 Chapter Warnings: Gun violence, gunshot wound, implied smut.   Square Filled: The entire series (well, bits and pieces of it) will fill my Crossover square for @marvelfluffbingo​​. A/N: This story contains a character who lost her hearing as she got older. I do work closely and regularly with the D/deaf community (I’m a sign language interpreter), but my own hearing problems do not involve significant hearing loss. It is not my intention to offend anyone, only to bring in a character with a quality I don’t see often in other fics. If you have questions about her, feel free to ask :)

Boston Boys Masterlist

“Dr. Juneau, you’ve been requested in Trauma One.”

Aurelie frowned. She hadn’t been requested by a single patient since the night John had come in to have his cut stitched up. Locking the computer she had been working on, Aurelie left her white coat behind and made way for the trauma bay.

“Adult male, approximately thirty-five. Dropped in the ambulance bay where an incoming rig found him.”

Aurelie took in as much of the information as she could while the nurses and techs hooked the man up to machines and started an IV. When the brief was over, she took a good look at her patient. Covered in blood and shaking, his face was pale and his breathing was labored.

Seb. No wonder he had asked for her. His eyes met hers. They were full of panic. She spotted movement from the arm where the nurse was attempting to start an IV. Seb’s hand was reaching out for Aurelie. She shook her head briefly.

“All right, I want a second IV, I want x-ray, CT. Figure out where this blood is coming from, what kind of injuries we’re looking at. Have a crash cart ready -- not just on standby, but ready. Now, move!”

The already chaotic movement of the team became more energized. Aurelie found the trauma scissors in her pocket and cut off his shirt while a tech cut off his pants.

“Doctor,” one nurse began, catching Aurelie’s attention, “I’ve got two GSW’s, one through-and-through in the left shoulder -- in the back, out the front -- and one still sitting near the diaphragm.”

Aurelie nodded. “All right, cancel CT, I want a mobile in the OR. Switch to oxygen on the gurney, start sedation meds, we’re rolling out now before that bullet moves. This needs to happen fast. Alert surgery.”

She let the team take Seb to the elevator; she jogged behind, texting Chris as she followed.

Seb’s in my trauma room. Wtf happened?! Heading to surgery now. Will keep you updated.

Aurelie was scrubbing out of the operating room when the familiar sounds of a scuffle called her attention to the hallway. If it was loud enough that she could hear and make out the sounds, it was serious. She finished her task and went out to see what was going on.

“Let me see him, you have to let me see him!”

Security was battling the determined mission of a redheaded woman, begging, pleading, demanding she let them see someone. Aurelie knew right away who she wanted to see.

“All right, all right, c’mon. She’s upset, can’t you see that?” Aurelie said sternly, getting between Scarlett and the guards. “Stand down, for fuck’s sake.”

Scarlett allowed Aurelie to help her to a nearby bench, but the guards didn’t go far. Aurelie motioned for them to stay calm, then sat down next to Scarlett.

“We got the stray bullet out. It was close to his diaphragm, so he’s on a ventilator right now so that we can control his breathing and allow the area to heal.”

“But he’s going to be okay?” Scarlett’s eyes were bloodshot from crying, and there was blood all over the front of her. “Aurie, you gotta tell me he’s gonna be okay.”

She hated when people called her Aurie, but this wasn’t the time to point that out. She looked sideways at the guards; one was genuinely not paying attention and the other was purposefully avoiding the personal note in the conversation.

“Barring any complications, he’ll be fine. He’s going to SICU right now, but you’ve got to let them get him settled and resting before you see him, all right? If you promise not to make a scene again, I’ll make sure you get ten minutes with him before you leave.” She held up a hand as Scarlett leaned in to hug her. “But you cannot -- cannot -- let on that you know me. To protect what I do here, I can’t be connected. To anyone.”

“I understand.”

Aurelie stood then, pulling the scrub cap from her head and shoving it in her pocket. No doubt Chris would be here soon -- they needed to talk. Stitching up random criminal lowlifes was one thing. Saving the life of someone she considered another brother was too close to home.

The pounding on Elsa’s apartment door spooked her from a deep sleep. She breathed heavy and fast as she sat up in bed, trying to decipher if the knocking was actually at her door. When the pounding started again and it was at her door, fear gripped her tighter. She just knew the bank robbers were on the other side of the door, ready to finish her off.

“Elsa, open up! It’s me, it’s Chris!”

Breathing a sigh of relief, she scrambled out of bed and went to the front door. She undid the deadbolt and the chain lock before twisting the lock on the knob. She let Chris in and immediately locked the door behind him.

“It’s three in the morning! What the hell is wrong with you? You scared the shit out of me!”

Chris wrapped his arms around her, pulling her flush against him and kissing her roughly. Elsa reacted in kind, going along with it when Chris tugged at her legs, lifting her up off the ground and wrapping her legs around his hips. He pushed them against the nearest open wall, knocking a few picture frames from a shelf in the process. Elsa bucked her hips against him, and that’s when Chris knew he needed to slow things and explain himself.

“I wanted to see you the other day, when you called. I’ve got a lot going on I can’t tell you about right now --”

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and finish what you started.”

Chris grinned and pressed his lips to hers again. Elsa climbed down and pulled him toward her bedroom. She tossed off her nightgown and scooted back on the mattress while Chris tossed his shirt aside and pulled his belt from the loops holding it in place.

A few hours later, they were in the kitchen. Chris was making pancakes in his jeans, and Elsa was sitting on the counter watching in his t-shirt. She was laughing at a joke he made, thinking about how easy it was, being with Chris. There was no pressure to be anyone other than who she wanted to be, who she really was.

“I’m glad you came by,” she said, leaning over the griddle to kiss him.

Chris flipped the last pancake onto a stack with the others and turned off the heat on the stove. “I’m glad you let me in. What I was saying earlier, you know, I got a lot going on. Sometimes, there’s gonna be things I can’t tell you. But, I promise you, there’s no other girls, nothing that’s gonna hurt you. I want to tell you more, but I’ve at least got to tell you that because if I don’t -- if I don’t -- Elsa, I can be myself with you. I need that in my life, more than I can explain. You ground me, you keep me real. I know it hasn’t been that long, but you -- you’re a game-changer. I want to do better because of you.”

For a speech like that, Elsa could forget about the pancakes. She slid off the counter and put her hands on his bare hips. “I was thinking the same about you just now. About how I can be myself with you. It’s … it’s easy, being around you.”

Chris smiled. “Easy, yeah. That’s exactly it.”

Elsa went up on tiptoe to kiss him, effectively erasing the pancakes from his mind as well.

Before Aurelie closed out her shift the next morning, she went up to the surgical care unit to check on Seb. He was still on the ventilator, but holding steady. Scarlett was there too, curled up in a chair with a blanket. Aurelie was as quiet as she could be, but Scarlett was a light sleeper.

“Hey,” she greeted, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Thanks for whatever you said to the nurses. They let me stay all night.”

Aurelie nodded. “How long have you two been …?”

“Together. We’re together. It’s new. I was hung up on Chris for a long time, you know, but Seb never gave up. Guess I finally gave him a chance to show me what he was about and I was all for it.”

“That’s good. He’s been after you since before you and Chris, you know.”

“Really?” Scarlett’s eyes watered over.

“Yeah. Trust me. Sisters know shit.”

Scarlett nodded. “We were at a bar, some guy got mouthy. We made to leave and the guy followed us out, tried to grab me. I can hold my own, but --”

“But Seb wanted to protect you,” Aurelie finished.

“He did. I thought -- I thought he was going to die right there in my arms, you know? All the close calls we’ve had, all the referrals. Some dumbass in a bar was gonna be the one to take him out.”

Aurelie looked down at the gurney, and blue eyes looked back up at her. She motioned for Scarlett to come over. “I think he’s gonna be just fine. You’ve got a lot of years of this asshole ahead of you.”

Scarlett was out of the chair in an instant. She slipped her hand into Seb’s, and his eyes moved from Aurelie’s to hers. Aurelie promised both of them that things were going to be fine; she would send the floor doctor in immediately.

“Hey, real quick -- was Chris upset when he came by?”

Scarlett frowned. “I haven’t seen Chris since he left the shop yesterday.”

“Huh. Okay.”

So no one had heard from him since he went to see Robert the day before. Frowning, and with a million scenarios playing through her head, Aurelie alerted the charge nurse that Seb was awake, then hurriedly gathered her things to get out of there and start looking for her brother.

AlloftheThings: @captain-s-rogers​​​​ @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan​​​​@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​​​​ @hurricanerin​​​​@horsesandbandsforlife​​​​ @im-not-an-armrest-im-short​​​​ @captain-rogers-beard​​​​ @shynara51​​​​ @sea040561​​​​  @pinknerdpanda​​​​ @xtina2191​​​​ @jackryanplz​​​​ @beakami​​​​ @heartsaved​​​​@fullprunerebelstatesman​​​​ @blackwidowismyhomegirl​​​​

Boston Boys:  @the-murder-strut-murdered-me​​​​ @becs-bunker​​​​ @shield-agent78​​​​ @patzammit​​​​ @crazyandanonymous4u​​​​@ntlmundy​​​​​ @jennmurawski13​​​​​ @okay-maybe-i-like-marvel-too​​​​

[lovebug5151]

A reunion between family

So, not sure if this is completely what you wanted, but I tried my best. 

This is the Secret Santa gift for @a-little-dreamer-s-world 

@secret-sanders-sized

Well here we go. If something isn't working correctly, or if you cant read something, then @ me and ill try to fix it.

-------------------------------

Virgil groaned as he woke up in his cabin. It was a normal morning, with light streaming through his window, Remus screaming in his ear, the birds chirping, - He sighed as he sat up and grabbed Remus. Virgil pinched the back of his sleep shirt to pick him up and set him on his palm. 

“About time you woke up!” Remus chirped. “I’ve been up since the sun rose.” 

“Are you that excited about visiting town today?” Virgil laughed quietly, making Remus bounce up and down slightly. 

“YES!” Remus crowed “I need to find new stuff! New art supplies! New-“

Virgil frowned and interrupted. “Are you going to paint my kitchen again Remus? While I do love you being here, if you paint my kitchen with scenes of bloody, gorey murder again I will throw you out.”

He laughed. “Naw. I won’t do it again- At least not to your kitchen.” 

Virgil sighed and shook his head. “Whatever. I’m going to cook breakfast. Try not to break something please.” 

Remus shrugged. “I won’t break something on purpose. That’s for sure. That cast on my leg didn’t let me do anything! I couldn’t even chase that Goose outside!”

Virgil snorted in laughter before standing up. He set Remus on the shelf beside the bed before going towards the kitchen. 

Virgil's cabin was a quaint thing. It was only three rooms, a bathroom, a bedroom, and a joined kitchen and living room. He didn’t even have much in the way of keepsakes, mostly just books and things to help him if he had an anxiety attack. It was just like any other cabin out there, except that everything was giant, and that there were shelves everywhere and holes in the walls. That was so Remus could get around without Virgil carrying him. 

Virgil was just finishing cooking some bacon and eggs when Remus popped out of a hole beside the table. 

“Breakfast ready?” He had calmed down a bit and was yawning. 

“Yep. Just let it cool a bit and let me split some up for you.”

He broke of a small piece of bacon and cut some of the eggs apart before putting it on a small plate. Or it was small for him. For Remus it was still the size of a small table. 

“Thanks bud!” Remus yelled before he literally shoved the eggs into his mouth. 

Virgil watched in slight disgust as he barely chewed his mouthful before grabbing more. 

Once they were done eating breakfast and getting ready for the day, they were getting ready to go to town and we’re checking down what they had and needed. 

“Vee, you have your headphones?” Remus yelled. 

“Yep. You have your jacket? Shoes?” 

“Yep!”

“Okay. I have the list of what we need. Let’s go.” 

Virgil picked up Remus and put him in the pocket of his jacket, before walking out. 

They walked through the woods for a while before they heard the town up ahead. Virgil slowed, almost cowed by the sound from up ahead, but Remus suddenly yelling curses at something drew his attention away. 

He was yelling at a tree. Of course he was. “Asshole, wait you don’t have an asshole I’ll-“ 

“Remus.” Virgil said in a slightly scolding tone. “there are going to be children nearby. Please don’t.”

He sighed. “Fine. I’ll try to wait till we're on our way back.”

Virgil rolled his eyes with humor. 

They went into town, and Remus quieted down. Even he knew better than to yell at other giants. A lot of them weren’t as fond of humans as Virgil was. They walked into the store, and Virgil walked around with a cart, grabbing what he and Remus needed. With Remus of course asking every second for different things that they didn’t need. Usually he was jesting, however today one of his requests was cut off as he gasped. Virgil looked down quickly atb him, making sure he hadn’t hurt himself. He had a hand over his mouth and was looking at a few cages. Virgil winced as he saw that there were humans in there. Apparently the shopkeeper decided to start selling Human pets.

“Do you want to leave Remus?” Virgil asked quietly, aware Remus was shocked and probably scared.

His answer only made Virgil more worried. 

“N-No. I need to look closer.” Virgil was worried but walked closer. Another giant saw him, and scowled at Remus in his pocket. 

“Did you steal him?” they asked brashly. 

“No.” Virgil responded. “I have had him for a while. I came in to look at other humans to see if any would be a good friend for mine.” He must be a salesperson for the humans.

Remus winced at how Virgil was speaking, but knew he had to speak that way in front of other giants. His eyes tracked back to that one other human, curled up in the corner of his cage, hands over his ears.

Virgil stood a little straighter and said “Now do you want a sale on a human or not.” 

The salesperson scowled before sighing. “Sorry ive had a couple teenagers try to steal them. Which one do you want?” 

Virgil looked down at Remus and said “To keep my humans from fighting, I believe ill let mine choose.”

The salesperson nodded and Virgil took Remus out of his pocket. “Point to the human you want me to buy.” Virgil muttered quietly. Remus pretended to look over them before pointing at the one he had been staring at earlier. 

Virgil nodded and said “I want that one please.”

Remus retreated to the pocket as Virgil and the Salesperson figured out a price. Pretty soon, the human was being put in a box - with lots of kicking and screaming - Virgil had payed for all the food they needed, and they were on their way home.

On the way home Virgil quietly asked Remus why he had wanted him to buy a human. Remus answered quietly “I know him Vee. I couldn’t just leave him there. Hes, he's my-” He couldn't seem to continue. Virgil nodded and they continued home.

Once they got to the cabin, Virgil put the food in the kitchen, put Remus on the table, then put the box on the table too. 

Virgil opened the box, and reached in, prompting a scream from the human inside. Virgil scowled as he managed to snag the shirt of the human. “I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just getting you out of this box.”

As he lifted the human out of the box, he noticed that it- he looked like remus. He saw the resemblance and it clicked in his head. That's why he was so out of sorts. This must be family.

He plopped the human gently onto his palm. The human was frozen, looking up at Virgil. “What's your name dude?” Virgil asked him. 

“W-Why do you care?” The human was trying to be brave, but was visibly terrified. 

Virgil frowned and the human froze before saying “I-Im Roman. N-Now, What are you going t-to do with me y-you giant fiend!”

Virgil chuckled at the audacity of this hu- of Roman. This was making the brother theory much more filled out. 

“I bought you because my human asked me to. Now. Do you want to see him or stay in my hand all day?”

Roman winced but took a moment to think about his options. Virgil saw him look around the room and his eyes widen at all the shelves and holes in the walls. He hesitantly looked at Virgil and said “You- You treat humans well?”

Virgil nodded as he started bringing his hand slowly to the table. “I would like to think I do, Roman.”

Roman hopped off the hand and Virgil looked behind him. “I believe you already know each other.”

Roman stiffened as he turned around because, why would they know each other-

His thought stopped mid sentence as he registered the man standing before him, with his green eyes and mischievous smirk. “R-Remus?” He asked not believing his eyes. 

“Hiya bro! How- how was your trip to our home?” Remus tried to stay upbeat but it was obvious he was worried. They stood still for a moment before Roman lunged at Remus, and Remus caught him in a big hug. “I didn't think I would see you again.” Roman muttered crying. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too Ro Ro.” Remus smiled at him. 

Remus pulled away a little and said “Vee? Will you get a tissue? Also get some more blankets beside my bed?”

Roman froze at the thought that Remus actually just asked this giant to do something but was surprised when the giant laughed. “Sure Remus. Have fun reuniting. Try to explain to him how stuff works please, I don't want him flinching every time I move. It makes me feel bad.” He got up and stretched before saying “And then I need a nap.”

He left the room. “THANKS VEE VEE!” Remus hollered after the giant.

“Vee Vee?” Roman said questioningly.

“Yeah. His real names Virgil but I call him Vee.” Remus replied. “Now C’mon! Lemme show you around!”

-------------

It wasn't until that christmas that Roman ever really got over his fear of Virgil, but that christmas was warm, and found Roman and Remus curled up in a Hollow in the wall as Virgil drank some hot cocoa. As Virgil curled up on the couch, he thought to himself how much happier Remus was now, and what a great family they were together. Virgil fell asleep on the couch to the whistling of snow outside, but inside was warm, happy, and full of familial love.

[robinskalechip]

home - chapter three

robin buckley x reader

a/n: i’ve been getting some really good feedback from the first two chapters, thank you guys so much!

warnings: smoking, language

not my gif!

chapter three - a family reunion

steve and robin had just finished closing up the video store and took the short three minute car ride to larry johnson’s town favorite diner. robin and steve were laughing amongst themselves and bantering along until they heard a voice.

“do suppose linda will remember me?”

the two turned to see sofia, cigarette in mouth, only a couple of yards away, walking towards them. steve smiled at her and began to speak but her attention was on robin who was still looking at her with the most gentle of smiles.

“i hope she remembers you, she always gave us discounts when you tagged along. ive had to pay full price for almost three years because of you” he walked past, ignoring the two girls he was with. steve harrington had one thing on his mind and one thing only. a royale with cheese. hehe pulp fiction reference the girls broke their eye contact to then walk behind him, sofia taking the cigarette out of her mouth to throw it to the ground and put it out whilst holding the door open for robin and quickly following her to be met with upmost nostalgia.

an older woman, probably in her early 50s, began to yell from behind the counter.

“IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS? I MUST HAVE SKIPPED AHEAD AND GONE STRAIGHT TO CRAZY!”

sofia moved past the two, lightly touching robin’s arm, causing a chill to radiate throughout her body. sofia was smiling as she walked to the woman and embraced her in a long hug. the woman released her but not before she could cup her face in her hands to see her face more clearly, despite the pain that was radiating through sofia’s body due to having to bend her spine in order to oblige. but she didn’t mind. this woman was her family.

“AH CUORE MIO italian for my heart WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN”

sofia smiled as she replied, “nella città che non dorme mai in the city that never sleeps ”

“i’m so sorry about your mother, have you seen her yet?”

the woman’s back was facing robin, as they had turned when hugging, and she had a full view of sofia’s face. she saw her smile fall, taking her heart along with it as sofia responsed to the salt and pepper haired woman with a sense of dread.

“no not yet. marco is there every time i drive by the hospital. i’m trying to though i promise”

“sei troppo buono per questo mondo, figlia mia you are too good for this world my daughter, but you also need to eat, sit sit i’ll bring out your favorite”

sofia smiled as she realigned her spine, walking behind steve as he hopped into the booth next to robin. robin was a bit disappointed steve sat next to her instead of the other side but at least she had to best view in the house.

sofia fell into the other side of the booth putting one knee to her chest and the other stretched over the seat what a lesbian as the older woman returned with a strawberry milkshake in hand and a smile.

she placed the cold beverage onto the table to then ask robin and steve what they would like to drink. steve snapped out of his staring contest with the milkshake to answer, “ill have one of those.” he paused for emphasis, “exactly one of those” he then winked at her.

robin chuckled and said “can i get the same but in vanilla”

sofia smiled at the woman as she moved the shake away from steve’s reaching capability, “thanks linda”

linda kept her eye on steve as he frowned at sofia’s action, “royale with cheese and extra ketchup?” steve shook his head eagerly. “and for you my dear?” robin liked linda. she saw her around town often but never came into the diner as much to be considered a regular like steve. “i’ll take one of your smoked turkeys with everything but the onions please” she didn’t even have to ask sofia, even if she brought out the wrong thing, she’d still eat it no matter what

“coming right up”

sofia was still eyeing steve eyeing her shake, “OH MY GOD JUST TAKE A SIP” and said as she slide the cold beverage towards him to which he eagerly sipped from the side of the glass and threw his head back in the most dramatic yet unironic way possible

“oh my god i forgot how amazing their shakes were. i came here all the time during summer but i was so damn tired of ice cream, i didn’t even think about ordering one”

sofia smiled as she took back the milkshake, “yeah dustin filled me in on everything i missed” she was now fiddling with the straw and paused to look at steve for emphasis, “and i mean everything. i can’t believe he’s got a girlfriend”

steve laughed thinking about the events of the summer, “yeah none of us thought she was actually real, but im happy for him, i also need to pee, be back in a sec” he hoped out of the seat, nearly hitting robin

sophia placed the milkshake down and met robin’s eyes, “wanna try it? i know it looks like a plain strawberry shake but there’s actually a secret in there”. she jokingly looked around before motioning for robin to come closer as she whispered, “there’s also bits of peach”

she leaned back into her original position and raised her eyebrows briefly showing she meant business

robin smiled as she took the glass and took a sip, “mm never thought about that combination, i like it a lot actually, w-what?”

sofia was laughing as robin talked, “its okay its okay, i got it” she leaned towards robin once again, this time putting her thumb on robin’s upper lip, wiping off the cream that had escaped. the two looked at each other’s eyes during the moment, until sofia’s eyes fell to her lips, robin’s doing the same before she abruptly returned back to her seat, followed by steve hopping back to his place and linda following only a few seconds later. if they had been in that position just a few seconds longer..

linda placed the three plates on the table as sofia reached into her jacket pocket, taking out her wallet until she was stopped by the woman, “la famiglia non paga the family doesn’t pay”

she began to walk away as sofia gave her a warm smile and robin began to speak, “i’m confused. you said hadn’t seen your mother yet, but linda calls you her daughter”

sofia smiled, “she’s my godmother and my mother’s best friend. she’s practically my mother though. i’ve known her my entire life”

steve was already stuffing his face with the burger, mouth already jam packed, “i like sofia’s mom better than my own mom right now”

robin felt warm, but not in the physical, heated kind of way. she felt melting as sofia’s words, “that’s sweet”

“she and my mother grew up together when they were being raised in italy. ma says she wouldn’t have survived mentally if it weren’t for her”

sofia didn’t look up as she spoke but she could feel robin’s eyes on her. and she didn’t mind it.

the three ate while steve caught sofia up on all of his latest strike outs and the crazy nights she missed out on and the whole nancy thing that repulsed both robin and sofia, despite nancy being another one of her old childhood friends. sofia asked robin about her life and her interests and the two asking sofia about her life in new york.

once the three of them had finished, they all got up to leave, sofia yelling at linda on her way out, “CI VEDIAMO PRESTO MAMMA ill see you soon mom” to which linda gave her a big smile and waved to then quickly return to the table she was taking care of

as the three exited the diner, sofia asked “do you need a ride?”

robin felt a bit taken back and wanted to say yes more than anything. she would definitely not mind being in a car with sofia, even if it was for just a few short minutes to her house

“you dont have to really, my bike is in steve’s trunk and im only like five minutes away”

sofia chuckled as she walked to steve’s car and opened the trunk, retrieving robin’s bike and carrying it to her car, “get in freckles, you’re on my way. see ya harrington.”

robin turned to steve who winked at her and turned to leave, “have fun”

robin turned back to see the messy haired girl closing her trunk and getting into her car. once robin got into the vehicle, sophia turned the radio on and asked for the address.

how soon is now by the smiths was playing and robin was reminded of the way she felt earlier that morning, when she first saw sofia at school can you tell i like the smiths

the two were silent as robin looked out of the window, but it was the most comfortable silence she had ever been in. she felt at peace. despite her and sofia both resting their arms of the glove compartment, their hands only about a centimeter apart. she was felt calm; safe.

robin’s thoughts were interrupted when she felt the car stop and she turned to sofia, “thanks for the ride” as she unbuckled. sofia stopped robin as she was about to get out of the car.

“can i ask you something”

robin saw the same look on her face as when she was talking to linda about her mom. robin nodded.

sofia breathed in before speaking, adjusting her body to face robin, “i know dustin told me you and him didn’t spend that much time together but..will..how was he?”

she looked anxious for the answer

“he was okay, steve told me about everything he had to go through so i imagine he isn’t the same boy you knew but there’s probably still parts of him in there. just like any of us when we go through some shit, its takes some, it leaves some”

sofia leaned back in her seat, now feeling the guilt build in her stomach

“i should have been here.”

robin was quick to reassure her, “you didn’t know it was going to happen. i don’t know why you left but i know it was something that none of us could have stopped. everything happens for a reason”

sofia chuckled, “what a clique; the beautiful teen philosopher who doodles on her converses and reads sad love stories with injustice undertones and wears an unsettling yet attractive amount of jewelry” her smile grew more and more as she spoke to then turn to robin who was slightly blushing and smiling back

“i won’t keep you captivate much longer but can i ask you one more question?”

robin nodded again, still looking into her eyes, smiling

“you and harrington?”

robin cut that shit off Q U I C K

“OH GOD NO NO NO he’s like my brother ew no i could never.” she realized how dramatic she sounded and laughed at sofia laughing at her. “i’m sorry. to answer your question, no. harrington and i, not a thing. he’s uhh not my type”

sofia felt better with that last statement leaving robin’s mouth. she scooted closer, but her arm on the arm rest and bringing her face close to her face, almost being able to feel her breathe.

robin was taken back mentally but didn’t move a muscle, she whispered “what are you doing”

robin jumped at the sound of the door opening a tease

“i’m just getting the door for you like the good mannered person i was raised to be”, we said with a smile and moved her face a centimeter closer. robin was almost certain she was going to kiss her until she whispered again “good night freckles”

robin got out of the car and walked to her door completely flustered but still managed to turn her head to give sofia a smile. she was, in fact, so flustered that completely forgot her bike in sofia’s car trunk, but she didn’t even care.

next chapter

[angrylizardjacket]

any time {Brian May}

@brianandthemays​ asked: Hello! I’m having a rough week and I absolutely love your imagines! So I was wondering if I could get a fluffy piece with Brian where the reader is sad/disappointed and he comforts her. Thank you!!

A/N: 1343 words. This is for me, @hysterical-qween, @brianandthemays​ who requested it, and everyone else who wants Brian to hug and tell them it’s. I hope it’s okay, I literally fell asleep twice at my computer because I started writing it at midnight. Anyways it’s 4am, good night, I hope tomorrow is better.

It’s Saturday, or it was Saturday like half an hour ago, but you’ve been staring at the TV playing some b-grade raunchy action movie too explicit for the hours regular people keep, and your hands are shaking. You’ve been home for what feels like ten minutes, but is closer to two and a half hours, and there’s a weight in your chest that won’t go away, an overwhelming- sadness? Disillusionment? Anxiety? Distress? You can’t quite put your finger on it.

“Hello?” When Brian answers the phone, he sounds groggy and annoyed.

“Hey, sorry it’s so late.” There’s a slight shake in your voice and his tone shifts immediately. 

“Darling, is that you? It’s almost one, what’s wrong?” He’s so gentle, so concerned, and there’s a hollow feeling in your chest that the sound of his voice goes a ways to healing.

“I-” Your words catch in your throat, and maybe it’s that you can hear him but he’s not there with you; you feel touch starved, needy and unashamed to want him with you. “I’m so sorry,” you start, and you can feel tears already stinging your eyes as you speak, “can I ask you a huge favour?”

“Anything, anything.” He assured, you ,and you sniffled loudly. “You know what, I’m coming over.” He preempts your request, taking the words right out of your mouth, and the tears begin to fall.

“Thank you.” You manage, and you can’t move, muscles wound tight with anxiety and sadness, holding the phone to your ear.

“I love you; I’ll be there soon.” 

In between breaths you feel like you’re drowning in your own emotions, as though sadness has you in a choke hold. Overwhelmed, you’re lost in the white noise of the television for what feels like an eon, time rushing past, a blur where it had felt like mere heartbeats only minutes before. There’s a knock at your door, and you finally uncurl yourself from your sofa, joints sore where you’ve been in the same position for hours, unmoving, barely feeling. 

Opening the door, you see him there with his sweater on backwards and concern in his eyes. He moves forward, wrapping you up in his arms as your silent sobs become more audible. There, in the doorway, at one in the morning, you’re crying in his arms. That hollow feeling in your chest, the way you’d been aching to just hold him, you can feel it slowly disappearing, and you hold him tighter.

Apologies tumble from you as he guides you back into the apartment, closing the door behind himself, one arm still carefully holding you. You’re sorry it’s so late, that he came over, that you’re just being silly, that-

“Don’t apologise.” He admonishes, sincere. Pressing a kiss to your forehead, he moves the two of you into your bedroom, his voice gentle as he assures you; it’s never too late, he’ll always be there, you’re not being silly. He sits you down against the headboard, and you wriggle beneath the covers as he climbs in beside you. 

“If it’s got you this upset, it’s not silly.” When he pulls you close to him, wraps his arm around you and lets you rest your head on his chest, you feel for the first time since you’ve gotten home, that perhaps the whole world wasn’t against you. “Darling, anything that upsets you is never silly.” 

His tone doesn’t leave room for argument, and you know he means it with his whole heart. There’s something unequivocally reassuring about that. Already you can feel your stuttering, distressed heartbeat calming down as you clutch at his sweater.

“I’m sorry-” you start, and he quietly tells you to stop apologising, “I’m just- I don’t know what came over me, I just had a shit time at work and I just-” Pressing your lips together, you can’t even continue, words stuck behind a lump in your throat. Brian doesn’t press you, just rubs his hand up and down your arm in a comforting rhythm, occasionally pressing his lips to the top of your head.

“I’m just stuck in this dead-end job,” you finally spit, working through your sadness to the anger you held towards the situation, “and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life; I feel like I’m never going to achieve anything or do anything meaningful and- Brian I’m so scared, and I feel so useless.” You admitted, pressing your forehead to his chest, trying to take some deep breaths as he rubbed circles into your back.

As soon the words are out, and Brian’s still holding you close, you feel the anxiety disappearing, slow of course, but there’s a gentle peace that begins to fill you now you’ve articulated the thought that had been haunting you. It’s so cathartic, being able to finally admit that, but as soon as you do, you’re filled with an uncertainty, an irrepressible urge to apologise for dumping that all on him. You’re not expecting a response, it’s a lot to hear in one go.

“You’re not useless, darling, even just for the fact that you’ve made so many people smile.” Voice soft, he punctuates it with a kiss to the top of your forehead, and you know if he continues like this then you’re going to cry again, but for a very different reason. “There’s no rush to figure out the over-arching plan for your life, sweetheart, and-” he paused, and when you looked up, eyes red rimmed but heart already growing warm, he’s giving you a curious look; “would you like me to tell you how little anything matters to the universe, or how much you matter to me?” 

“I don’t care, I just need you to tell me it’s going to be okay.” Voice a whisper, you think you can see the moment your words melt his heart. 

“Everything you do is meaningful; every time you speak, everything you do, it all goes to making the world a little bit of a better place,” he continues, even as you try to protest, “I’ve seen you at your worst, dear, believe me, I’d rather spend the rest of my life with them than anyone else at their best. One day the world will see how incredible you are, or even if you see how incredible I think you are.”

“You’re gonna make me cry.” You pouted, but he reached down to pull the duvet further up the both of you, and you snuggled in tighter.

“Sorry, I was trying to stop that.” He half laughed, and you hummed thoughtfully, shifting to a more sitting position so you can rest your cheek on his shoulder.

“Good cry.” You assured him, and he nodded with a laugh of understanding, before you looked up, the movement prompting him to turn, and the two of you shared a sweet kiss. Pulling back, he wiped the tear tracks from your cheeks, smiling so fondly at you that you could feel your heart growing warm, earlier sadness still inching away, leaving much faster when you see him smiling at you like that.

“Thank you, I really needed to hear that.” You tell him, voice gentle. “I really needed you here.” He presses a kiss to your cheek, and you settle back in against him.

“I’ll always be here.” He assures. He starts to quietly recount how captivated he was, seeing you in the audience that first time the two of you had met. It’s one of your favourite stories, and you would never get over the way your breath would catch when he says ‘I’d wanted to see the stars for as long as I could remember, imagine my surprise having you right there in front of me’. As he speaks, you can feel yourself grow tired, with him still gently rubbing your back, his firm heartbeat steady with your head against his chest.

You fall asleep to the sound of him humming a melody you don’t recognise. Years later, you will come to recognise it as the song he writes for you.

[readfelice-blog]

moominland chronicles dreizehn :: copycat

Its Friday, im on an u bahn, but it's sunday for you and who knows where you are..

There's a lot of babies on this u bahn, im counting about 6 right now, baby bahn: maybe there's some baby convention in wedding.

Quick round up: i'm still a girl from hackney (via suffolk) who says no, I've been grappling with my camel toe this week, singing sad songs, playing like a child on a xylophone (except insert midi on ableton here), not listening to much other than myself, it's a big gushing flow of creativity that surrounds me in this little yellow house, i dont think ive really given pause to being lonely.

It's all happening.

So lets back track a bit because right now i am compelled to readdress this copying thing, one of my favourite tweeters this week called out kanye west for lifting a design he created some years back, its right to name and shame, so good on him. He was small fry when he made the thing that someone else stole, still bigger than teeny weeny me, but not the tweeting guru /design wizard to music's brightest stars, that he is now.

It’s the most wholesome wonderful, transcendent thing, making stuff, for yourself and for the world, tapping into certain disciplines to funnel thoughts, feelings and the energy that surrounds you. I wouldn’t have myself any other way, I’m assuming aforementioned tweeter is probably the same. But there is this underlying paranoia and anxiety involved in the process, for me anyway, as previously stated: this irrational fear that you’ll be consumed by someone hungrier and at a higher advantage. I hate the deep ocean now, post mermaid project, but this whole conundrum draws me back to that place, to marine snow, a concoction of dead animals / shit / ‘organic matter’ that continuously falls and sustains the ungodly freaks that live below it. That’s the natural world, that’s life.

You see I have really good ideas, there's no shame in knowing this, I can tell when theyre good because I start to tingle in my mind and then the tingling soniferously journeys across my body, its a drug of its own kind. But that high is short lived, its only when you make it a reality that the truly ecstatic pulses start to shoot through you, and to get that done frequently means a drawn out and meticulous process of invention.

I can see the influence i bestow on others, it used to be exciting and life affirming, but then things started taking longer to compose and thats when it became more of a burden, I’m not yet at a point where im synonymous with my work, there's still room for someone to rock into my life, unwittingly lift all my influences, cobble together a creative endeavour that feeds off of mine and then get recognised for it. Thereby i become the one shadowing them and then I fade into the ether, because no one wants the leftovers.

But it has dawned on me that this bleak and resolute ending to my artistic life might not have to be the catastrophe it so viciously insinuates itself to be. Maybe I can premier a facet of an idea earlier, maybe it will mean others might follow, though I bloody hope they won’t, but maybe it won’t mean that when in November Bocem Acht Ocho is ready for the world, it will not be swept aside by waves of mimickers, maybe I’m being a bit to paranoid and just need to calm down. I can’t just give birth to and store up all these big plans in this little house and not let them free. This little yellow house will become a zoo, I’m not a trained zookeeper, it’s just not sensible.

When one idea is set free another grows.. I have had more than one good idea since birth, some of them have not been properly attended to, that film i made in the basement is currently languishing on a hard drive stowed away in the moons cupboard in london  /  there's the gorgeously detailed illustrations of wild shows that have never seen the light of day / i have a bric a brac shop of concepts just stewing away in my brain cupboard. It took darren aronofsky nearly 10 years to get black swan made, the sagrada familia is still being built 136 years after it was started, Brahms first symphony took over 20 years to create, there's still time.

Because its not just the idea, its my mind that is the precious entity in this scenario, which these days in Berlin is totally free and unrestrained by societal norms. I’m allowed to be a weirdo now, because nearly everyone else is as well.

And you know what, I am almost certainly derivative myself, because we live in a time where the anals of what has come before us are vast and spread thickly like butter on warm bread: across the channels of information we spend a large portion of our days on. I’m copying other people, inadvertently, I call it signs rather than the c word, but I’ve stood with myself in my little yellow bathroom this week gazing at my reflection and leafed through aspects of my current state that might be borrowed, polished and given light in a different way > there are several. Though i work intuitively our unconscious is a vast web of entertained moments we draw from, even to the point where i dont realise I've previously ingested something because I wasnt paying it full attention at the time, but it got stored anyway.

So this project has a dual aspect, because the way im delivering it is going to correlate with a technique I’m also using to upend how im being treated as a cleaner. This incorporates actively marrying all the strands in my life together: to find a better path in terms of reimbursement and security. As technically I’m still an impoverished cleaner, i need money; so I’m doing the cleaning rerouting before I release my publication and album.

I just have to do it, let it free , and recline and say to myself, fuck it, the power at the heart of what I’m making lies in its authenticity, in the quality of the delivery and content of the delivered objects. If someone else copies me and both of us manage to lift ourselves out of the cycle of servitude, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

It's the circle of life, it's something I’ll probably be jousting with for the rest of my days, so better get used to it I guess.

Big Fish

Little Fish

Cardboard Box

Righty, off to clean a house full of paintings now, then laugh at myself on ableton, best to keep it light and bright. Don't take things to seriously.

Righty part zwei, I’m editing this on Sunday, I’m flying to Paris tomorrow morning, but laughing at myself on ableton still beckons.

Big Fish

Little Fish

Cardboard Box

[forgettinggirlinterrpted]

Sunday 5/6

My roommates name is Shauna. She doesn’t flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag. 

A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. I’m the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, there’s no door. The poop lady is cackling. 

My roommate and I talked, she’s nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria. 

I’m having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c I’ve been hungover but surely that’s not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?

It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I don’t want to go to group therapy tomorrow. 

I just can’t stop crying, my eyes actually hurt. 

My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste. 

I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash. 

I don’t have the lights on bc Shauna’s sleeping- I feel like Mozart. 

My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number. 

Ill be back. 

Got Taylor’s # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep. 

My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday. 

I’ve only eaten a donut this morning. 

There’s a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me. 

I’m sweaty. 

Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phone 

*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea- 

is this a joke?

It’s a work in progress. 

*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)

Shauna is snoring. There’s no joke there but its absolutely worth noting. 

I just want to play candy crush. 

Monday

(12:30 pmish) I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.

I had so many dreams. 

I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. They’re in there talking about me. 

I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast. 

Shauna puked everywhere. 

I think she’s leaving. 

Also turns out she’s in withdrawal AND pregnant. 

And she has an infected injection site on her arm. 

I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts. 

The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now I’m hungry so I guess they’re gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)

4ish pm

40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan. 

Finally left my room, I’ve been asleep all day. 

Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw they’re watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches. 

Movies suggested by the dude I’m watching FSM w/

- assassin’s creed

-Dogma

10 positive ways to describe myself

1. Legs that go up to my asshole

2. College educated

3. Big heart

4. Good sense of humor

5. Love babies

6. Love my friends 

7. Good communicator

8. Love the outside

9. Big smile

10. Lovely family

9 positive coping skills 

1. Talk to Taylor

2. Going on walks

3. Calling my parents

4. Reading

5. Going to therapy

6. Doing hw

7. Watching movies

8. Candy crush (questionable) 

9. Eating veggies

8 things I’ve accomplished 

1. College

2. Getting into grad school

3. Learning Spanish

4. Coming to the hospital

5. Making great friends

6. Moving a lot and making it through

7. Driving to SLC 

8. Supporting myself (for the most part)

7 healthy things I can do each day 

1. Eat well

2. Shower

3. Talk to my friends

4. Not drink

5. Clean my room

6. Clean my clothes

7. Do my hw

6 things I can change

1. My eating habits

2. Drinking

3. Exercising more

4. Getting a routine

5. Whitening my teeth

6. How I see myself

5 things I can’t change

1. How my family acts

2. How my friends act

3. The status of the US public school system

4. The amount of sunlight in my apt 

5. My face 

4 reasons I can’t give up

1. My family

2. I’m going to change the world

3. My friends

4. My future students

3 places I can get help

1. w/ dr. whose name I can’t remember 

2. my apt (Taylor)

3. the hospital 

2 people I can really trust

1. Taylor

2. my parents

1 reason I’m here

1. I need to not feel like this anymore

I’m holding myself back from asking why everyone’s here. 

Assassin’s creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions. 

We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall. 

Biter dude told hair guy “nice hair”.

Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like he’s going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys! 

Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room. 

I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books. 

She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldson’s ‘on homesickness’. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect. 

Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate… double the lasagna we all got for dinner).

He keeps saying he looks like he’s about to give birth 

“I mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternity”

Wuthering Heights

1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff

Thrushcross Grange

Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here. 

What an anecdote. 

“they could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!” – about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagna’s real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper). 

Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said “you’re awfully quiet” and she rejected him hard. It was awk. 

One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch “just go w/ it” – its so bad. 

One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how I’m feeling and I keep saying fine but I’m not. As long as I don’t talk I don’t cry. I’m starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing. 

Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said “nuh uh” was iconic. 

Its 805 pm and I think I’m going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash. 

I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I don’t like how much of a blur today is. 

I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just don’t know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone. 

I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think. 

I’m sure she’s confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all.  Who cares. I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind. 

I need a talk therapist like yesterday.

I can’t bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but it’s easy to read.

 The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.

 Fake Abby doesn’t know what the move is, I can tell.

I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. She’s lovely. 

Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke. 

They’re checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like she’s closer to my age. 

I’m happy she’s not my roommate. 

I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back. 

I’m just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they did 

Goals for tomorrow-

Check out group

Find rec room/sign my name by Mack’s 

Document everything

Keep room clean

They still haven’t cleaned Shauna’s side. Its off putting. 

Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes? 

Its off putting also. 

I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn. 

My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I can’t say I’m feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? That’s where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow. 

I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!! 

Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush. 

- Be more present tomorrow-

- Ask more questions- 

be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them

On Homesickness pg 23

Scott County

We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known

37, Franklin County 

Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery County 

Tuesday 

7:10 am 

slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night. 

She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it. 

I’m just trying to let go of control. I don’t want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world. 

Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out. 

I keep thinking about my phone bill and I can’t remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car. 

Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it. 

I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night. 

I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?

I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That I’m not like everyone here? 

Newsflash, asshole, I am 

(I’m the asshole)

I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?

I wonder if Prather has texted me. I’m supposed to sub on the 21st. 

Yikes

Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also haven’t worked in over a week + a half soooooo. 

On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)

Also I think I’m getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, I’m getting hospital cooties. 

7:27 am 

I’m in TV room w/ singer. I asked what we’re watching and she said “some kind of cartoon”. She’s not screaming which is awesome. I’m going to read Wuthering Heights. 

Almost 8 

Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. She’s blonde. I haven’t seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also there’s a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil. 

TIME TBD

Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut. 

I don’t like waiting around. 

Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? There’s different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time. 

I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. I’m going to check on breakfast. 

8:30ish

breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird. 

Time-?

Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I don’t now if I want to be here. But also I don’t want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c I’m so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack. 

I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c I’m here but I’ve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everything’s ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down. 

With talking to them I finally feel like I’ve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when I’m up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out. 

I miss my parents. 

Time unknown

Honestly can’t remember what happened next. 

Social worker came in, she’s lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting. 

She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack. 

Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it. 

I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they haven’t. 

I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me they’re gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.

My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting. 

I think its around 1 pm. 

2pm

Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now I’m waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shauna’s old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk. 

I don’t know why I keep crying. I just feel like I’m going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless. 

Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor. 

My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe. 

~505

lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I don’t understand what my next move is. 

Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting. 

I think I’m allowed another pill. What’s the point? 

6:50 pm 

I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing since after dinner. I’ve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. I’ve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but she’s pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour. 

7 pm

officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if that’s going to help me sleep. They’re going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. I’m hoping they’ll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak. 

Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement. 

I want to say I feel better, but I don’t know. Its just all a blur. 

I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool. 

I don’t want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.

Double lasagna and biter left. 

* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA. 

New girl who I don’t know 

New guy Brandon- wears vans 

And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones. 

Bold move. 

Fake Abby and I are friends. I think she’s lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I can’t deal with that. 

Now I just kill time until mom gets here. 

930 ish?

Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I don’t need to worry about $ right now. 

I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!! 

Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great. 

Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But I’m ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And I’m gonna do it in god damn pen! 

Goals for tomorrow- 

- track when all meds taken

- get better at checking time 

8am

slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! I’m sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed. 

11am 

talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think I’ll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if I’m sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since they’ll change the time I get the abilify. I don’t know. Just very tired. 

1109

Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this. 

Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs. 

Newer girl is even scarier she’s very touchy. Seems like she doesn’t listen. 

singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop. 

Shirt is leaving today. 

New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singer’s hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild. 

1140

going to lay in bed until lunch. 

~12

slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke. 

I’m def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me. 

I think that’s the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. I’m thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now. 

I’m really just waiting to get something for my cough. 

215

just slept super hard

even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more

I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment. 

Couldn’t find macks mark so I left. 

Gonna go try to get more crossword 

255

just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower. 

Crazy Tad just said hi to me. 

New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, we’re watching that 70’s show. 

My shirt smells like Keenan. 

Also its almost snack! 

Hmmmmm 4? 

took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldn’t have wrapped myself in it. 

A little before 5

Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God I’m so fucking tired. 

I’m glad I’m writing everything down b/c its all such a blur. 

Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my phone. I don’t know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I don’t know!! 

I met my new nurse, DD, who said I’m taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh. 

Time to lay down. Again. 

I think I fell asleep again?

Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again. 

I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets. 

I think more than anything I’m really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down. 

Just want to stop crying. 

830 pm

calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious. 

844

Singer has 12 different personalities. 

About to go ask for my meds/follow up on what’s up w/ the nurse’s research 

9ish 

Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasn’t looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me. 

Thursday 

- if… because then 

- one day at a time 

9 am?

Had breakfast, found out I’m going home today. 

Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5 

2 more free meals! 

Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about it 

Nurse Nadine is so sweet. 

These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later. 

930

I’m going to get a watch 

I don’t like not always knowing the time 

That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room

 Don’t know her name 

But I don’t want to 

I’m getting out here short haired lady! And I’m pulling out to win! 

I’m getting sleepy, fuck 

I have like 8 hours to kill 

Soooo

Suddenly now that I know I’m getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normal 

Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted? 

She’s hot in that too, though.

Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy. 

925

group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it. 

Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad

Grabby girl wouldn’t share, she it nuts

But now miss congeniality is on!!

1055

cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wrote 

SCABZ

In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. I’m not even going to go into how that went. 

Update: grabby thinks I’m her mom 

My best gift:

The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldn’t. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who I’ve known since I was 9. 

~~~~ when the party is at it’s best, it’s time to leave the party ~~~~ 

- Tad’s ex-father-in-law

almost noon 

Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, “like the yin for your yang?” and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks I’m just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I haven’t gone back to sleep yet. 

Also, they said I could keep 19! 

I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles. 

After lunch 

Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth. 

There’s a new kid, he’s gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young. 

Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved. 

Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)

I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and I’m about to leave so I don’t think im getting it back. 

Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice. 

I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here. 

430

did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of don’t want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I don’t want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it. 

Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but that’s also prob just a sign that the meds are working. 

I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet. 

This isn’t to say he isn’t totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of “stuff” what the fuck. 

Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand. 

[suckit-aynrand]

wow okay.

i just now finally got the guts to softblock my ex’s tumblr after a fucking year and a half.

ive wanted to rant and piss and moan about that whole debacle on here for so long but because she followed me etc. i never did because i didnt want to stir shit up

i shouldve done this a long time ago because every time i saw a post she reblogged i’d feel sick to my stomach and get really depressed tbh.

so now im trying to release all my shitty feelings by writing it out....

she was my first kiss and then she ended it before we were even able to give it a chance even though i’d liked her for over 6 months prior.

she was a fucking bitch though and made me feel so shitty about myself... unfortunately, i have an issue where i need everyone to like me so the more someone doesn’t care about me the harder I try and any drop of affection from them is like a drug.

ok so like she told me she was gay in like february or some shit and i told her I was bi because i was still trying to figure my shit out and then I started developing feelings for her (ie, see above) which i’d never done before because id never opened myself up to thinking about a girl that way and never with guys except for feeling ill....

so yeah, we were friends for a long time and i really liked her that whole time but i was fucking what 19 and had never done anything with anyone and was really nervous about stuff like that and, especially because of her personality where she’d be a total bitch 75% of the time and shoot down anything i said (which id just brush off as a joke or whatever and laugh) so no way in hell was i going to ever fucking make a move and i’d sleep over at her house (she lived at home) and she knew I had no experience and i told her id never even kissed anyone and she’d call me a “spring chicken” and shit because i was such a fucking everything virgin

we spooned once but i was so nervous and freaking out because im bad with touching people in general because i have this huge fear of doing something wrong and being rejected and totally overthing everything??

we also had this stupid bullshit thing about “ymir and krista” from attack on titan- shut the fuck up, i know, but like it was kind an apt metaphor for our personalities and looks (besides height because i was taller than her) so i remember and breaking point in my crush was when there was a “pick ten pictures that represent your aesthetic” on tumblr or whatever so i picked a bunch of pics or whatever and then one that was ymir/krista and i tagged her to do it too (do your sleuthing on your own time fellas) and she ALSO put a ymir/krista pic in hers so i was like HOLY FUCK IS THIS KISMET??? and then got my shit together to admit to my sister that i liked her and was bi (lol... that was a while ago...) and planned to ask her out myself.

anyway, like the next night, and incidentally on the night of the Supermoon in 2015 (when there was an eclipse on the night of the supermoon) i stopped by her job at gamestop when i was at the mall with friends to say hi (which i would do whenever possible... again, i was/am desperate for affection) and she said she was getting off soon and her grandparents were in town and were going to dinner at a place at the mall and would i like to go with so i was like sure so we went and then I went back to her place with her family and we sat outside to watch the supermoon and we were like holding hands and shit because it was cold and it was montana in late september etc. and i was nervous and all but all blushy and excited because of my previous nights shit, and then we eventually moved onto the back porch and she asked me if id want to date and i was like yes and then her homophobic grandparents came out to see if we were still watching the moon or whatever and then we went in to her room where i slept over and when we were looking out the window she kissed me and i was super nervous and blusy so it was like just a quick peck but it was my first kiss and i wanted to do it again but also i was scared to (like... because of her? and i was scared she wouldnt want to?)

so then the next morning i got a ride back to my place by her mom because i had an early class and we kissed (quickly again) before i left and then the next night i slept over at her place again but we didnt kiss at all... after that i would keep texting her and trying to make plans and stuff - i wasnt a student at the time but i lived close to campus so i was always like let me know when youre free and i can come up and meet you for lunch or i can come up and do anything because i wanted to see her and shit and she’d always be like “im busy with work/school/band etc.” so i was just like ok let me know when youre not and id visit her at work when i could but i didnt have a car and she was working and i didnt want to hang out in gamestop or whatever so id just pop in and it was awkward...

id said earlier that i wanted to go to the rocky horror show live that they did downtown so i saved up over $100 to get us tix and dressed all slutty for it (for her but also for rocky) and she wasnt really into it and i was trying to make it fun etc. and i had planned for her to stay the night at my place afterwards because i had an extra mattress under my bed for guests (THAT I LITERALLY ONLY BROUGHT WITH THE SPECIFIC INTENTION OF IT BEING FOR HER) but she said she had to go home or whatever and so i drove her home and walked her in and we kissed (quick kiss again) as i was leaving and then we kissed again, but like a couple little kisses in a row, and i was trying so hard to do it right but i was so nervous and that was all good (except she told me that my fucking MAC LIPSTICK didnt taste good... that fucker....) and then i left and continued to try to meet up with her and then one day she asked me if i was free to come talk to her on campus so i tried to dress up all cute and then she broke up with me.

the break up was so weird too because she was like “ive been too busy to see you, and ive been having a really hard time with my mom lately, and my dads cancer just came back and i want to still be friends and maybe next semester we can try again” and all and she was like crying (like a little bit) so i didnt want to be dramatic and make her feel bad so i tried to keep it light etc. (like i always do because im a fuck) so i was like its all good im so sorry youre having all this shit let me know if i can do anything etc. and then i hung out for a bit to try to make her feel like it was all good (even though i was devastated inside..... im just really awful with my emotions...) and then i left and was in a trance for a few days.... like even though practically nothing happened i didnt know (and still dont know???) what happened???

like....... was it because i wasnt really making any moves??? because i was trying like especially at halloween etc.????? and like she was the one who asked me out?????? like... i was also open about the fact that i’d be moving away the following summer most likely because i was changing schools and whenever i’d bring it up before we were “together” she’d legit like tear up and be like “you cant leave” and shit...?? was that why???? and like this still really gets to me even though it shouldnt and she truly was very hurtful to me in so many ways beyond this bullshit??? i just feel like i expended so much effort on building my relationship with her and never got any reciprication? 

like... there were a couple of times the following semester where she’d text me and ask to get together with another friend or whatever and i really really really wanted to say no but that word isnt in my vocabulary because im an anti-confrontational pushover so we would and it would be so weird for me but id really really work to pretend like it wasnt and then i moved.

and i really honestly wanted to message her and be like can you just be open with me about why because i feel like i got no closure and i thought about doing it a bunch but i never did because im a coward and scared of putting other people in situations that might make them uncomfortable because i know how uncomfortable they make me and how much i hate it???? i also thought about asking a mutual friend if he knew anything about it because he was closer with her but i didnt even know if she told any of her friends/family about it because she was super open about being gay but didnt want me to be open about our relationship because, in her words, “they’d say we told you so and we knew” and she wanted to prove them wrong for as long as possible or something?

but now like a year and a half later its sooooo way beside the point and too late so like i cant do it now.... but i havent been in another relationship obviously and like last semester i was getting really unreasonably jealous over her ambiguous snap story about getting ice cream with her girl and how much she loves her even though im more than halfway across the country from her and now ive definitely calmed down and have faced the fact that she was a bitch but like i still feel so stuck with no closure and also am terrified that i’ll never find anyone else? and i also know that its my fault but i wish i knew how much and what i could do better in the future because im terrified of making the same mistakes again and feeling this emptiness?

i wish this were easier. im so sorry for spilling all this shit but ive been bottling it up for so long and have only ever told my sister and even her i didnt tell everything and i feel free now that i wont be seeing her posts anymore and can hopefully let this settle even more....

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i spoke to jill and this is the first time she didnt completely bitch on me, like i told her about the blog and what i kinda wrote and how its gotten so repetitive but helps me deal with the fact i cant text you all this stuff. she asked if i would ever show you and i said no unless you didnt believe me when i say i still love you or if say we were to get back together and we were like hanging out and you needed some reassurance that i still love you so much and that you are more than enough for me. i told her that these are all raw feelings and some things i would be hesitant to let you read but i feel that i shouldnt hold back my experience especially since this is how i always felt. i told her that i mentioned i never felt 100% comfortable around your family and she said okay maybe then dont show him. i told her that its not something youve never known and how ive always been so honest with you. like when your mom was talking about politics and i kinda tensed up and you took over the convo or when i went to vanessas house and when i was in a convo you would jump in. at first i hated it it drove me crazy because i was trying to get to know them but after you told me its because you knew that was a hard thing for me to do. and she said that was absolutely adorable of you. she also said that she misses you a lot. she misses sitting on the couch while we watch “stupid” shows and you explaining every little detail. it was cute. i wasnt the only person who loves and misses you, my family loves and misses you too. she just didnt want to tell me earlier because she didnt know how i would react. she also said somehting to me that made me feel a lot better about this whole thing. if im being honest, ive gotten really crazy, like whenever i go on insta i always check to see if youre on too. its weird but comforting its the only thing i have of you actively still. im so sorry if i do end up showing you this and you think im crazy but maybe i am? but anyway i stayed up all night the day before my chem final studying and i noticed you werent on for a while so i figured you went to sleep. i never ever post stories to my finsta and i did this night so i wanna say a notification went out mentioning that i posted a story. you were the second person to see it so i guess once you saw the notification you checked. it made me feel better about this, like maybe you were checking to see if i was out or how i was doing or something, but it felt like okay he still cares. when i told jill that she agreed with me on how you still cared and that it was good. i just wish i knew how you felt. i dont want to be the fool who was waiting this whole time to find out you actually didnt care. but jill also brought up a good point that i havent thought of in a while. when i was freaking out and going through our texts over and over and over again, the words you chose whether you thought about them or not did show a little of your intentions. it was just the actions that threw me. but words like “separated” and “if you want to end it all completely” and how you really need this for you. i just read over our messages, im sorry i was so mean and selfish, i just going through the motions ya know? every day felt like forever and i do still wake up every morning hoping for a call from you. i just never knew how i could get through another day without talking to you. i think the only reason i havent called yet was because this is keeping me from it. jill said that you probably do wanna call me or text me, but youre nervous to because we agreed at the end of the semester. youre probably sitting there hoping id call you too in the back of your head and maybe were both sitting here like uuhh end of the semester. the way she talked to me tonight it feels like right after your last final youll call.. it would be really cool if you did. i mean then we could figure everything out. it seems like a much bigger possibility that you would need more time, but i just want to hear your voice again. i wanna see you i wanna give you a hug and pull any sadness or worry out of you. i wanna be on talking terms with you because i definitely do not like this. i cant see you jumping for the phone once you get out, but i could see you thinking about it. reading over our messages i hate myself. i was so mean to you i was so selfish i wasnt as understanding as i was right away compared to a few days later. i wanted to but i just felt this huge weight on my heart and i felt it breaking and i had no idea what to do. i hope you havent moved on. i hope im still yours in your head. maybe at first glance i have been showing you that i moved on, but look a lil deeper. i havent, in fact i think i miss you more now than ever before. its been a month and i still think about you every day and still wanna love you and get married and have babies. if that was too quick for you im sorry, i just never saw a future with someone more than you. i was really really selfish. i mean i kept thinking about the work ive done and discrediting all the things that you have done for yourself. it takes courage to let someone you love go for the sake of yourself. it doesnt sound courageous it sounds obvious to do but it is not an easy task. i mean that aside everything else youve done. im looking at it as okay this is what you have this is what you have to do, but its probably much easier to say to do it than to actually have it and get it done. i probably shouldve recognized that more. i mean i see it first hand every day. but i cannot stress how proud i was and how proud i still am of you trying therapy trying to get a schedule trying to do the thing that you have to do for yourself all while working to keep me happy. thank you for that. it took me a little bit longer to see and its not something thats easy for me to stay completely calm with because of the type of relationship we have, but please know that i do want to. i didnt want to put the blame on you above having to work with you for this for so long for you to dump me. i should have never added that burden onto you. i never would take back those six months, i never would ever want you to think i just did that because we were in a relationship, i want you to know that i did try working with you because i wanted to. it was brave of you to tell me all these things. youre very prideful and i can only imagine what it took for you to even bring this stuff up with me. i should have been much more level-headed and understanding. i wish i could have made you happier, i wish i couldve been a stronger girlfriend for you, i wish you didnt have to go through all of that alone for so long. im happy you told me though, im happy you were mature enough to do something so risky for the sake of you and us. it shows me who you are as a person. (just next time can we try to work together, im just thinking hypotheticals but if we were married or had a family and needed time to step back... i dont know how that would play out.) for that tho im praying you learned a new way to calm yourself down when things got overwhelming or maybe a new hobby so if you started to feel sad or needed time away from life you werent just sitting in bed becuase although that might feel great it does more damage than anything else. im praying you learned more about what causes this, whether its a big paper coming up, or a grade thats expected, or maybe you slipped in one class and now youre slipping in another that makes you not want to do any work. something so that when it does happen you can be like no i know this pattern lets try to subside it. thats ultimately what i want you to be able to do and maybe this break was what you needed the most. i should've known better tho, i shouldve known that you werent yourself and things were off and it wasnt something wrong with me but something wrong with you. i mean the signs were there. not jillian or carols signs but they were there. i cant wait to hear about everything that youve done! im so excited to hear form you again. i hope its sooner rather than later, but either way id be happy. i love you so much and ill always love you with all of my heart, never think that i wont please.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I’ve been watching some more Conan videos today and it’s really giving me some perspective. I think lately, I’ve been trying to fool myself and say, “Oh. I’m not like this. That’s not who I am. I am grateful and there is nothing wrong with me.” which just, isn’t true.

watching conan has helped give me perspective and reminded me why he is such an incredibly beautiful human being. because he really is and i am filled with so much love for him. he is genuine and kind and caring and loving and grateful despite everything that he had to endure. but he rose above it all and made something amazing out of it. and i want to do that too. i dont want to reveal my hardships as a way to brag or so that people will pity me or see me any differently. i want to be vulnerable and share my struggles because they are a part of who i am. i was briefly bullied as a child and my parents left me at the beach and i was too afraid to talk to anyone so i didnt have any friends but i pushed myself to go past that and grow from it. and now im here. and i have no right to judge anyone else’s life stories or talk smack about them or degrade them for how they were raised because ultimately, they arent me. they have their own journey to do. i have been acting like an asshole lately and claiming that my friends have been blaming the world for everything when in reality, i’ve been no different. they’re my friends bc i attracted them bc of who i am in this point in time. and thats just how it is. and i do want to be more direct and blunt and get better at receiving and giving compliments and i know that lately, i’ve retreated into my own little shell and didnt want to talk to anyone and returned to my old habits of carrying my burden on my own but now that ive realized that, i dont want to do that anymore. i want to be and do better and push myself to learn more and become a better version of myself instead of acting so complacent. bc complacency is the worst. it’s when you stop growing as a person. and i dont want to stop growing. i dont want to keep putting up this facade of a beautiful human that people want to see and just pretend like nothing is wrong. bc it’s not all happy. i have been a shitty person recently. and thats not just me having low self esteem. it’s just a fact. i have been a really shitty person recently and just been so self absorbed and wanted all the attention instead of really taking the time to care for others. i do want to grow as a person. i do want to become a better person. i really do. and most of all, i want to get back on track with you, God.

I went to Rocky Horror last night with Marlena and her two roommates, Legacy and Angel. And I was filled with so much sass due to stress and was borderline arguing with Marlena and making these over the top claims. Accusing her of not doing the show right. Getting mad when she said I was ruining the show by responding to the lines. And even though my actions showed that I still cared whenever I ran after her so that she wouldnt be alone or sat next to her on the train, I was still a pretty terrible friend. And I was so self-absorbed too. I kept thinking about how I felt toward her. “Maybe I don’t like Marlena anymore. She’s too into that party lifestyle.” But who am I to say anything? Because I’m the one that made the choice to go out that night. I’m the one that gave drinking a try and told her about it. I’m the one that foolishly said, “we should go to a party together before you leave.” She assumed that I was okay with it so she invited me. And I said, “Yes.” 

Yes, maybe she is more into that party lifestyle than I am bc it goes against my religion. And yes, it is hard to be completely open with her bc she doesnt follow the “Christian lifestyle.” But I didn’t even stop to consider her feelings and how she felt and what shes going through. Instead of genuinely being there for her, I was always so eager to talk about myself. I was so desperate to have someone, anyone, that i could fully rely on in my life. During a time that’s changing so much. I never had any right to be paranoid about Andrew leaving me because of Lauren and pinning the blame on him because my life is crazy. He has his own life to life and who am I to get in the way of that? Yes, I do crave a community where I can feel so free to be myself. But I can’t do that if I’m not willing to do the same for them. 

Dear Jessica, 

You want to know why you don’t have people around you that don’t throw you birthday parties? It’s because those arent the people you reach out to. You’re attracted to those who cannot help themselves just because you genuinely care about them. And that’s all that should matter. Yes, some recognition is nice. But you know in your heart that what youre doing is right and good. And God sees you and appreciates you and I know that that’s so hard to do or realize sometimes but it’s true. You can’t change the fact that it’s true.

And plus, you push people away whenever they try to help you anyway.

I think before I even started watching Conan videos, I had my moment of realization when I was texting Mulan earlier. There was some miscommunication and I was so tempted to just call her out on her BS and put her in her place and retaliate, confident in my own memory and ability. But then I realized that I needed to take a breather and just calm down. Because lashing back at her wouldn’t solve anything. It would just make the situation worse. I knew that neither one of us like to back down and we’re both hella stubborn. Even if she was wrong, she wasn’t about to accept it. So I took the time to gather some info from Claire and tried to keep myself in check and not gossip about Mulan. And Claire didn’t remember. Honestly, a part of me was hoping that Claire would confirm that I did mention it and that we did agree upon it so that I could definitively prove Mulan wrong. But that’s not what I got. So I just recently sent Mulan a text, saying that whether or not I was right or wrong, I was sorry that there was some miscommunication present and took responsibility for it. And I know that she’s going to judge me for how late I sent the text and bring it back up in the future. But it is what it is and I’m ready to let go and move on.

Finally, I feel like so much happened today and I can’t believe that it’s still only Sunday. But Dana woke up late this morning and as a result, I wasn’t as motivated to pay attention and get really into the worship today. And I know that I should always give it my all but that is honestly how I felt today. But...it was just really nice. I got to talk with everyone and I actually felt really comfortable with them too. Before, when I wanted to bring people to Christ, I was afraid. Because I didn’t like Lakeview and I didn’t want that to be their main idea of Christianity bc I know from Sa-Rang that it can be so much more than that. But now, I’m honestly pretty happy with where I’m at. Yes, sometimes I do feel left out or self-conscious. But I was so interested in learning about Emily’s work at UIC and was happy when she took such interest in me as well. James, Chelsea, Claire and I talked about McDonald’s happy meals and Chelsea and I bonded over Sanrio’s old Happy Meal line. And I found out that she really likes Kerropi. So I’m hoping I can get her a plush for either her birthday or Christmas. c: I do want to get to know her better and I think I was too quick to judge her before. But I do genuinely want to get to know her better and get on a deeper level. When I first came to Lakeview, I made the over-the-top claim that no one really cared about God and moreso cared about the community of friends than actually going to church to develop this deeper relationship. And by taking the time to just chat with them, I have been able to get to know them a bit more and really understand their faith and current walk with God. And y’know, we’re all going to be at different points in our faith and I definitely have no place to judge. So I’m just really glad that I am starting to feel more at home with Lakeview. Thank you so much God for showing me this church and showing me that it really is somewhere worth investing.