#im fat and it makes me feel not womanly

[vexingwoman]

Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

[amurder-ofcrows]

TERFs really try to scare trans men and trans masc people out of starting testosterone HRT like ooooh noooo don’t do that you’ll get Hairy and Ugly and Aggressive and you’ll lose your Womanly Value™️ and ya know, before i first started T i almost bought into it bc it made me scared of growing body hair because so many people said i would regret it but the moment the changes started to happen i just felt so much like myself in a way i never had before.

i’ve gone so far from being scared of being hairy and ugly and a MAN that the rest of my transition goal is to be a bear. i’m fat and hairy but i would consider myself a cub not a bear because of my age but i can’t wait to be older and even hairier (im 5 years in and STILL getting hairier) and bigger as i continue strength training.

i’ve become so happy with my body in a way i never thought i would and im finding a community of people who look like me and are also so so proud of it and ive never felt so at peace with myself when it comes to my body. im getting a hysterectomy in the summer but after that i’ll have gotten rid of the body parts that make me dysphoric (breasts and uterus) and HRT has changed everything else that has upset me.

to my fellow trans men, trans mascs, or anyone who is starting testosterone HRT for whatever reason i hope you get to feel what im feeling because its literally the best thing I’ve ever felt and to TERFs, radfems, transphobes etc., your fear mongering failed and i hope it fails time and time again

tl;dr TERFs tried to scare me out of T and i became the big hairy man they tried to scare me about and im not fucking sorry

[ftmgirlcunthole]

maybe you should try to stop t and start edging!! that way you’ll be horny 24/7 💖

i highly recommend detransitioning properly!!! getting off t does wonders to skin and hair!!! and overall you’ll feel so pretty and happy, i promise!!!! 💓💓

when you put it like this its tempting, edging would be a good solution! and id get my curves and fat tits back. even thinking about being that womanly again has me soaked. my pussy might make the decision for me soon 😳

getting anons telling me why im a girl and why i need to detrans really encourages me

[diary20216969]

why>?

-because i have crippling gender dysphoria and even the thought of doing something so womanly makes me want to puke and then cut my ovaries out with a fork

-because i dont want stretch marks

-cause i dont want my vagina ass and clit ripped apart and then sewed back

-i dont want baby fat

-i dont wanna give life to something that may end up getting borderline personalty, depression, schizophrenia, polycistic ovarian syndrome, anxiety or substance addiction.

-cause life sucks and not putting someone through this current reality is a gesture of kindness

-cause my body is mine and i dont want anything inhabbiting it

-cause i hate commiting to anything

-cause i dont owe it to anyone

-cause breastfeeding disgusts me to the core

-cause i love y skinny body and flat tummy

-cause i love sleeping

-cause i love drugs

-cause i love fucking people

-cause i love having y perfect body worshiped

-cause i love being a sex worker

-cause i love looking young

-cause i already have enough people to provide for

-cause ive done things i’ll never be able to say out loud or forgive myself for,ever

-cause im not a walking vagina or a breathing uterus

-cause im too smart and have too any dreas and goals to accomplish instead on focusing on whiping shit out of an infant’s ass

-cause i wanna beat the shit out of any kid that cries like a stupid fuck

-cause i hate men and if i would get pregnant with a son i’d abort it instantly, lol

-cause i dont wanna go blind, have all my hair fall out

-cause i dont need any more ptsd from childbirth or depression from postpartum

-cause i dont want to spend 9 onths of my life walking on eggshells with my thoughts eotions actions and diet

-cause i love my free time

-cause i haven’t lived yet. cause i want and deserve to.

-cause i want all my money to myself

-cause i flushed the last one down the toiled, not before showing it the middle finger after causing myself an abortion and telling that little piece of shit that i won and to fuck off to hell.

-im selfish and i love it

-cause the world is dangerous and cruel

-cause kids make you weak and are a liability

-cause i just dont wanna deal with a teenager’s bullshit again

-cause i will totally fuck them up for good lol

-cause i already raised a kid while i was a kid and had no childhood or happiness

-cause i unhealthy as fuck

-cause in m family both my mom and dad, brothers and e have chronic ibs

-cause i want my childfree life to be a statement that everyone in my faily is a stupid fucking breeder and they can fuck off

-cause our planet is dying and becoming slowly inhabitable

-cause by 2030 there won’t be enough food to feed everyone

-because the world is already overpopulated and there is not enough food or space to sustain us all

- cause men exist

-cause i not a dumb animal that was born to procreate but i was born to die.

-cause there’s no life after death, and inbetween everything sucks

-cause the whole process is so goddamn disgusting

-cause the lil shits pee in my uterus, swi innit, feed on me, make me anemic, give me the most terrible mood swings i’ve fought my whole life to control

-cause they won’t be special, they will be some gross pathethic human like the rest of us

-cause i would love the ore than i love myself and that would hurt me

-cause they would grow up with a single parent

-cause their only parent would be a sex worker that had videos online with herself fucking her ass or puking for money

-cause i’ve fucked 3 kids

-cause they could be lgbt in a world that does’t accept them

-cause i’d be a emotionally unavailable parent

-cause they iage of being called ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ doesn’t ring any bell in my ind and just makes me cringe

-cause i wanna transition to looking androgynous in a couple of years, one way or another, in order to stop feeling dysphoria

-cause im a recurrent drug addict, smoker, drinker with a sex addiction

-cause i’d happily let the be the same things i am

-cause kids are so stupid and gross and we only find the things they do adorable because we are evolutionarly programmed to find them cute in order to protect them and perpetuate the species

-cause cats are so much fucking better

-cause they would most likely need to work their entire life to make money in order to not die or starve

-cause i like reading books

-cause y brother will absolutely have kids one day and thats enough

- cause my kids would be ugly as i was when i was a kid

-cause id muc rather focus on love, romance and finding the perfect girl

-cause theres so uch about myself id want to explore

-cause theres so much i havent tried yet

-

[healerraphael33]

This is for myself and a way to recover from all the shit I've done to harm myself in every way possible since I was a child. TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM MENTIONS,EATING DISRODER, AND BODY DYSMORPHIA.

I realized today that I have some kind of body dysmorphia since I was 10 years old. And I dint want to make it sad lol but like I was trying clothes on last time I went shopping and stuff and I took the size that I usually get wich is an M or like L sometimes and it doesn't fit well it's too big so I got an S and even XS for some things especially my upper body area and I was like I spent all these years thinking that I was way bigger than I really am. To the point where I see myself as being huge and gross. Like I'm 160 cm and like 53 kilos which is totally normal and I'm petite morphologically speaking but since I got my period at 10 years old I feel like I got a weird perception of myself that I think looking in the mirror I looked fat but Im not. Especially when I look at myself when I was younger like 12 I wasn't nowhere near fat. But I was convinced that I was. I think it has to do with my mom saying all the time that I looked gross and ginormous and obese at 13. She literally said looking at me up and down that I was obese. And this one word really messed me up a lot. I started working out obsessively to the point where I couldnt walk for weeks and got hurt and the teachers in school would ask me if I broke something.And I was like nope I'm good. Like since I got my period and my body changed my mom kept saying that my body ws broken and looked gross that I looked like an old lady and that she couldnt take pictures of me because I looked so fat and ugly at 12 years old. So I guess it came from here. And I remember being 11 and I ddint fit in the jeans I used a month back and my mom saying that I was fat now. But i want i was just growing into a more womanly body especially my hips. She always said that my legs and hips were fat and gross and that I should hide my legs. She said that i was broken and that i shouldn't have become this way genetically. So since then i started seeing myself as huge. Not tall but fat and gross and now I'm realizing that I'm really not and that I'm actually really morphologically small wich is very sad because it could have been way better for me to know this before i hurt my body by throwing up after eating and working out so much and just hating myself. I feel relieved in a way but I feel sad because I also realized that most of my clothes do not fit me correctly they're too big and baggy on me and that's why my jeans dont stay on my waist without a belt and that's why i dont even know my fucking bra size because i thought that I was a B cup all my teenage years even tho I'm actually an A. I feel stupid in a way. But im really sad to only realize it now. I also developed a lot of problems with food like not concisoulsy but when I was younger I didn't est as I do now like when I got pizza I removed everything on it except the tomato sauce and the crust and then eat it. And I just had a weird relationship to food in general. I didn't want to eat anything in reality. I was scared of it. I had an obsession with getting smaller at 14 years old to the point where I kept thinking and idolizing my life with a new body that never happened and wouldnt make me happy at all. I wasnt diagnosed with an eating disorder and stuff but I think looking back that either I was at the fine line of getting seriously into one or I was already in it since even at 17 is still had a very weird attitude around food and eating and self harm in general since I stopped doing it at 18 after 11 years of self harming in different ways... But like I wanted tot all about it with someone and I feel weird becaue since I'm 17 I wanted to feel better about myself and I wanted to understand why I was so mean to myself with food and all these other problems I had and now I think I can see more clearly and I understand that I was totally normal in reality. But my perception was very altered. But I'm happy I can find some peace now especially around my self harming habits and the fact that I stopped purging since 4 years.

I guess I feel better now, I eat a lot more and a lot more variety of foods too wich is good. But sadly my perception is still very much altered. And I feel very guilty and sad to have been hurting myself so badly over the years without even asking myself why I was doing it. I don't want any sympathy or anything with this post. I jsut wanted to share and it feels good to finally put my problems into words.

[freddiesaysalright]

Soft in Love Part 8

A Gwilym Lee x Student!Reader Fic

Summary: Y/N is an acting student in her last semester of college. When a professor unexpectedly can’t make it for the senior capstone class, a very famous (and handsome) substitute is called in. When they connect, they face a few challenges.

Word Count: 2.7k

Tag List:  @psychosupernatural​, @someone-get-a-medic​, @bensrhapsody​, @deakyclicks​, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession​, @minigranger​, @crazyweirdocalledfriday​, @benders-diamond-earring​, @im-an-adult-ish​, @anincurablefangirl​, @kiainspace​, @lookuptotheskiesandsee​, @god-save-the-deaks​, @assembledherethevolunteers​, @misslolasworld​, @not-john-watsons-blog​, @spacedustmazzello​, @theindiealto​, @riddikuluslypotter​, @depressedbitchxox​, @tenement-funstah​, @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls​, @sarablog10​, @johndeaconshands​, @coincidence-ithinknots-blog​, @simonedk​, @queenlover05​, @goodoldfashionedloverboyy​, @the-claire-bitch-project, @kerouacsroad​, @rose-writes-prose​ If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: Y’all the drama is about to get so real!!!

Warning(s): Use of the word c*nt.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7 

Part 8 here we go!!!

As it turned out, with Gwilym, making love properly meant incredibly slow, incredibly sweet, and just overall incredible. No one had cared more about you in such an intimate moment, and it made you fall for him all the more. As you lay in the afterglow with him, you looked up at his face.

“What are you thinking about?” you wondered.

He grinned at you. “I’m thinking about how lovely you are.”

You beamed and pressed your lips to his chest. His skin was still warm. You could hear his accelerated heartbeat.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

“I’m thinking about how much I want you,” you answered.

“You’re insatiable,” he teased.

“Just for you,” you returned.

Chuckling he rolled on top of you and kissed you some more. 

Weeks passed in this bliss. Giving Andrew space was the perfect excuse to not hang out at him and Sloan’s apartment. Although, you were pretty sure Sloan kept inviting you in order to get you to be friends again. However, more often than not, you were at Gwilym’s. You also frequently stopped by his office during office hours. Sometimes you had sex, but you usually didn’t while at school. Gwilym was too nervous about getting caught. You understood, but the thrill of it made it so sexy to you.

Of course, you still had your moments before class where you talked, and occasionally snuck a kiss in every once in a while. It made you so happy, you could barely contain your giggles.

Weekends, you also spent with Gwilym at his place. This worked out too because Sloan and Andrew worked on weekends. No one suspected a thing. Everything was falling into place while you were falling for Gwilym. And you were falling hard. You wanted to tell him you were pretty much in love with him, but the right moment never seemed to come around. And you wanted to be sure of your feelings before all of that came out.

On top of all that, rehearsal was going amazingly well. The art department had created beautiful sets, and the costumes were wonderful. You could hardly miss a note, it seemed. You told Gwilym in a private moment that it was his fault. 

“My fault?” he’d chuckled.

“Yes, your fault,” you repeated. “You’ve made me entirely too happy.”

“Well,” he said with a smile. “For that, I will gladly accept blame.”

He had leaned in and kissed you so tenderly, your heart fluttered. Everything was perfect. Just perfect.

Daniel trudged after Edith as she walked down the hall to Gwilym’s office. He hated to be doing this but she had told him she’d set him up with another friend of hers - an easy friend - and he figured it was worth it.

“I still don’t see how you’re gonna convince him to let you play Esther for a night,” he said. “He and Y/N are super close, he’d never take it away from her.”

“I’ll convince him by using my womanly wiles,” she said, batting her lashes dramatically.

“Oh, yeah, because that’s worked so well for you before,” he retorted.

She glowered at him and his sarcasm and he only shrugged.

“Look, I’ll pretend I’m all for it while I’m in there, but I don’t think he’s gonna bite,” he said. “But, I’m an actor, I’ll make the case with you as convincing as possible.”

They reached the door and Edith came to a sudden halt as she reached for the knob.

“What are you waiting for?” Daniel asked.

“Shhh!” she returned. “Listen.”

He leaned closer. Through the door, he heard a steady rhythm of skin on skin. Some soft grunting. Then, a quiet whine.

“Gwil…”

Daniel cringed. He knew it was you. 

“Y/N, quiet, darling,” Gwilym hissed.

“We shouldn’t be listening to this!” Daniel hissed to Edith.

“I just found my ammo,” she returned, ignoring him.

She turned on her heel and started down the hall. He jogged after her.

“Where are you going?” he demanded.

“To the Dean’s office,” she said.

“You’re going to tell?!” he gasped. “Why?! Y/N could get suspended! Or worse!”

“Exactly,” she said with a smirk. “With Y/N out of the picture, I’ve got a shot at the starring role.”

“Edith, are you serious?!” he cried. “Gwilym will be fired! You could ruin both of them!”

“Since when are you Mr. Morality?” she challenged. “Don’t tell me you’re still carrying a flame for her.”

“Look, she and I aren’t like that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about her,” he explained. “I wouldn’t wish what you’re about to do on anyone.”

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

His mind searched wildly for an answer to give her. She stood to gain a lot by removing you, but maybe he could use Gwilym as a way to soften her.

“Tell Gwilym what you heard,” he said. “Use it as a bargaining chip to get to play Esther for one or two shows or something. You can even say he has to end it with her and go out with you instead. But if you go to the Dean right now, all opportunities go out the window.”

“You’re right, Dan,” she said, looking away thoughtfully. “With this information, I can have them both at my mercy.”

“Yeah,” he said, nervous. “Think about it, okay? Don’t act rashly.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but then the door to Gwilym’s office opened. Daniel and Edith jumped into the side corridor and peeked around, watching you. You kissed Gwilym with a massive smile on your face, and he had one to match. They heard you say your goodbyes and then head down the hall, away from your peeping classmates.

Edith watched you disappear and then got a wicked gleam in her eye.

“I’m gonna go talk to him,” she said.

“Right now?!” Daniel wondered.

“Sure,” she said. “This is my opportunity, and I’m going to take it. Before you can tell Y/N and spoil everything.”

She threw her hair over her shoulder and then marched down the hall.

“I’m not coming with you,” he said. “I can’t support this.”

“With this information, I don’t need your support,” she shot back.

She knocked on the door and Daniel sighed. He watched her disappear into the office and then took off down the hall, desperate to find you and warn you. Edith was right, he was going to try and ruin this for her.

Gwilym was startled to see Edith, but allowed her into his office. She took a seat on a chair across from him and met his eyes, mischief on her face.

“So, what can I help you with, Edith?” he asked politely.

“I want to play Esther for three nights,” she said.

He blinked. “Why would I take that from Y/N? She earned the part.”

“Doesn’t matter,” she returned. “You can’t refuse.”

“I am refusing,” he said. “I could never do that to her.”

“Oh, but you’ll fuck her?”

Gwilym froze. Edith smiled at him in such a villainous way it sent a chill down his spine.

“What are you talking about?” he said finally.

“Don’t play dumb,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I heard you.”

“You’re wrong,” he insisted.

“I’m not,” she returned. She closed her eyes and raised her voice a few octaves as she threw her head back and mimicked you, “Oh, Gwil…” She cleared her throat and donned a British accent “Y/N, quiet, darling!”

The blood drained from his face. How long had she been out there? He didn’t see her when you left. Had she hidden herself away? Just so she could come in and rob you of shows that were yours?

“Give me three nights, or I take this to the Dean’s office,” she said. “Then both of you will be out of my way.”

“Why not just do it then?” he challenged. “Get rid of us?”

“Come on, Gwilym, I’m not so evil,” she sighed. “I’m willing to play ball and at least let her graduate.”

He sighed, resting his elbows on his desk and putting his face in his hands. He thought you both had been so careful. This was his worst nightmare. And now, it meant you lost three of the shows. Either way, you were being punished because he was too weak to refuse you. Gwilym had never hated himself more than in this moment. He rubbed his eyes and looked at Edith.

“What nights do you want?” he asked.

“I knew you’d see it my way,” she returned. “I want night three, night five, and closing night.”

“You can’t have closing night,” he said flatly.

He had a few surprises for you that night. You had to be the star.

Edith glowered at him. “Why not?”

“I can’t tell you,” he said. “You just can’t have it.”

“I don’t think you can really dictate the terms of -”

He cut her off. “I’ll give you opening night.”

Inside, he was cursing himself. He imagined the look on your face when he broke the news to you. It would crush you. You would be hurt and confused, and how could he explain this? He couldn’t let you feel the guilt.

“Opening night?” she repeated. “Are you serious?”

Opening night was usually the biggest turnout. It was going to be a massive blow to you.

“I’m serious,” he said. “Opening night, night three, and night five. Those are your terms?”

“They are,” she agreed. “Let me have those, and I won’t say anything to the Dean and Y/N graduates with no black marks on her record. Deal?”

She extended her hand. Gwil hesitated. Could he really do this to you? Wasn’t it better than suspension? Expulsion? Loss of your scholarship?

He shook her hand.

“Pleasure doing business,” she said as she released him. “See you in class tomorrow.”

He just scowled at her as she left, wiggling her fingers as she closed the door. He heard her laugh before walking away down the hall. Gwilym had one more question: could he tell you about Edith’s blackmail? Or should he carry this guilt alone?

He decided on alone.

The next day in class, Gwilym didn’t meet you there early. You checked your phone, but he hadn’t texted or anything, so you guessed he was busy with something and didn’t have time. You scrolled through Instagram as you waited for class to begin. You other classmates filed in before Gwilym, who came in looking rushed. You saw him exchange an odd look with Edith and you frowned. What was that about?

“Morning, everyone,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Sorry I’m late.”

“Gwilym, you’re right on time with everyone else,” Sloan pointed out.

Gwilym met your eyes fleetingly. You knew he meant he was sorry he didn’t come early and spend that time with you.

“Right, sorry,” he said. “Anyway, let me just take roll.”

He began taking attendance and Sloan leaned over to you. 

“Is it just me or is he fucked up about something?” she whispered.

“No idea,” you breathed back. “Definitely seems weird, though.”

When he finished with roll, he looked at the class.

“You can all begin wherever you like, but first I need to speak with Edith and Y/N,” he said. “Ladies, if you’ll follow me backstage.”

You and Sloan looked at each other, confused.

“This doesn’t sit right with me,” Andrew said. “Be careful, Y/N.”

“Thanks, Andrew,” you replied.

You got up and followed Gwilym and Edith backstage into one of the dressing rooms. Your mind raced with all the questions you had. Gwilym closed the door and then faced you both.

“Y/N, I’m sorry, but Edith is going to be playing Esther for three nights of the show,” he said.

It would have shocked you less if he’d punched you in the nose.

“What?!” you cried. “Are you joking?”

His downturned mouth told you he wasn’t.

“Why?!” you demanded.

Edith opened her mouth, but Gwilym held up a hand to stop her.

“It’s just...circumstances,” he said. “She’s got opening night, night three, and night five.”

You actually stumbled backwards. Your chest felt heavy with this....this betrayal.

“Opening night?!” you went on. “You’re giving her opening night?! How could you? I’ve rehearsed, I auditioned for this part, and you’re just giving it away at some request? What’s going on?!”

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I don’t have a choice.”

“What are you talking about?” you pressed. “You always have a choice. You’re choosing her!”

“I’m not, Y/N, believe me!” he said desperately. “Please trust me! This is for the best.”

Tears welled up in your eyes. How could he do this? Three nights? And opening night as one of them!

“Gwilym, please,” you choked out. “Don’t do this to me.”

He sighed so heavily, you almost felt sorry for him.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

You could see in his face how much he longed to take you in his arms and comfort you. Not that you would have accepted it. You were so angry at him, you could have spit nails. But mostly, you were hurt.

“Can you give me a minute, please?” you said, barely audible.

“Look on the bright side, Y/N,” Edith began.

“Save it, bitch,” you snapped.

She sneered at you and left. Gwilym lingered. Something was on the tip of his tongue, and you willed him to say it. To give some explanation for this. But he didn’t. He sighed again and left you.

You cried for a few moments. It wasn’t so much losing those nights, though that was devastating. Opening night was important. A lot of casting directors came that night to check out upcoming talent. What hurt more was Gwilym allowing this. What on Earth could she have said to him to convince him to do it? He clearly didn’t want to.

A soft knock interrupted your thoughts.

“Go away!” you called.

Whoever it was opened the door anyway. You thought it was probably Sloan and Andrew, but you didn't want to talk to them. They didn’t know about you and Gwilym, and therefore could not understand why this was such a blow to you. To your surprise, it was Daniel.

“Hey,” he said.

“I said go away,” you returned with a sniffle.

“I’m not a good listener,” he said with a shrug. “Look, I came in here because I know what happened.”

“Everybody probably does by now,” you pointed out. “Edith’s surely gloating.”

“Don’t be too hard on Gwilym, okay?” he said. “He’s just looking out for you.”

“Looking out for me? By giving away my part?”

“He’s only doing it because Edith’s blackmailing him,” he said. “She heard you two in his office yesterday.”

Shock went through you. You stared at Daniel, wide-eyed and horrified.

“She didn’t hear -”

He cut you off. “I heard it too, Y/N. There was no mistaking it. You said each other’s names and everything.”

“Shit…” you breathed.

He explained everything. What they heard, Edith’s plans, and that he’d tried to find you and warn you, but couldn’t. You took it all in, feeling very sorry for Gwilym now. This was what he had feared all along.

“Why would she do this?” you wondered. “Even for Edith, it seems so mean.”

“Because she’s a terrible person who enjoys being a cunt for no reason,” he said.

You laughed a little and a beat passed.

“My advice?” said Daniel. “Break it off with Gwil. Get rid of what she holds over you.”

“I can’t do that,” you said stubbornly. “I won’t.”

“Come on, Y/N,” he said with a groan. “Surely you’re not so horny that -”

“We’re not just messing around!” you interrupted. “I love him!”

As soon as the words left you, you clapped your hand over your mouth. Your heart raced with regret. The first person to hear that should have been Gwilym. Daniel’s jaw went a little slack as he stared at you.

“Well, shit, Chip,” he sighed. “That’s different. Does he know?”

You shook your head.

“Look, the choice is yours,” he said. “Break it off, or just let Edith have her way.”

He left. You remained in the dressing room wondering where to go from here. Gwilym was always wanting to protect you. If Daniel was right, would this be your chance to protect Gwilym? Were you strong enough to let him go? Were those really your only options?

[rennyji]

Oh America, what’s become of you...

Looks like theNext instruction or twist onWhat I actuallySaid/wrote/tweeted made its way..just Why?..what is so hard about the “be natural” Concept-no skin off ur back..right, then the orchestrators (1’s responsible) have noPoint orJob. The Americans side with their own, clearly.

There is a Facebook, a Twitter, a tumble all directly from me. I’m big on being direct with people. That’s interacting/talking with someone not through something acting like a celebrity’s agent...just a regular guy, the rest is hype-

What happens to the concepts of fate and destiny if you tell everyone where I’m going all the time? But then if you didn’t, once again, the pointless orchestrators would be jobless. When two people meet, normally it’s chance, luck...-

-kinda like the movie “The Adjustment Bureau” with Matt Damon’s and Emily Blunt. Not everyone is supposed to meet everyone. It’s ridiculous that a grown man has to deal with a program for a reputed particular party schools and teenagers...-

-they soil my reputation by perpetuating teenage concerns about bullying, “oh my gosh, is everyone looking at me”, and other nonsense...

- I’m out to score a wife, more money through business and jobs, and that’s when the American psychology fueled little kids program pursues me like psychopaths over the course of 11 years... hey orchestrators, know where ur not wanted, have some dignity, and find someone else.

Being 1st generation Indian American, born & brought up here, Ive had the usual problems...culturalClashes, aDoubleLofe w/family&friends, too much time w/their own community-it gets old, when just telling foreigners ur an American citizen leaves the impact of jealousy & wonder.

- growing up, kids (let’s not forget I’m a grown man in his very early 30s who people hold accountable for every second/word of his life...imagine if it was you, anyway...)- growing up, kids like me are out to be as American as possible. We don’t want the culture of our parents-

I went to Iona Prep high school, I’ve left the Indian Orthodox Church (stricter form of Catholicism: hence, the word: Orthodox), to be around the larger culture and a variety of people through the Catholic Church I embrace as my own-

- there are Italians, Irish, Mexicans and other Hispanics , Indians, brits, and so forth. I always seen myself traveling and being busy...a service is always available, any day, and it’s all over the world.-

- but despite all my attempts at embracing American culture and my natural born citizenship, in the end Americans and people of my background left me to rot and side with the orchestrators. Not one person of any background had my back in a time of need.-

I got so fed up when all this started over no one believing me/or everyone lying to me, I left my home state of New York to go to/live in the country of my background: India. Then these people, these orchestrators followed me there and messed up a chance at a fresh start-

- be it thru a new apartment of my own or a great IT job. I got tired of America and left,&their people followed me, to bring me back,&harass me for 11 years...I say “their people” because you’ve all clearly indicated through a project/program, that ur on 1 side, &im onAnother.-

Here I am doing crazy things toTalk to a girl or get a girlfriend, and my own network of people as a whole...but then, after all this, I gotta wonder...being an Indian American, I can go back and select any woman from a large selection to be my wife... I can pick a real woman-

- as I feel females in America tend to be more girly then womanly ... I mean I look like a grown man (I wouldn’t go so far as a prime example or definition, but I’m close, on any day, whether fat-sadly, currently-skinny, or muscular). I need a woman.-

I could skip a dozen steps&formalities of a girl friend 2wife,      by jumping 2 the chapter of a wife &family of my own, thru the concept of arranged marriage. At this point, I don’t care about the American bit. Through my habits, personality, &the well known Indian work ethic,-

-through the stuff in the previous tweet, I feel I’m more a typical Indian man, despite my lifelong efforts at being more American in the Indian American part of my identity.-

-The orchestrators making my family act against their culture, inflicting what they see as a normal life on me, and judging me for being me...everything you done is ample evidence of racism in practice/action, and the 2013 charge of a hate crime that I made to the idle police-

-, all while the orchestrators and the reputed party school hijacked my calls to the police, and even went so far as to tell me on the phone call to the police: ”stop calling.” At least try to “act “ like law enforcement...

And maybe now to return to normal tweets for the most part...

Was on my Peloton bike this morning and couldn’t help but notice how these female trainers look like “women.” From the dancing on the bike to whatever, all have personality, all are lively...you don’t see too many females that look like women over girls in real life...

Give what I say/write, that’s verified as from me (an example of being direct with me), like my Twitter, tumblr, or Facebook precedence, 1st preference, over what anyone else says, or what the indirect folk resort to.

On Twitter, a retweet followed of this morning’s link.

Already tweeted this @6AM, after my pre 6AM tweets, but posting this link again, since its buried under myTweets from 10:15-11:15..&retweeted this 2..yeah umm, U wouldn't believe the time/expense it takes to tackle the unknown...but here's the link again:

(link posted on twitter)

[lesmodular]

The fact that I start thinking badly about myself when someone from the internet calls me fat is scary and frustrating. I'm the most sensitive person on the planet and the internet is not my friend. Im still trying to discover my own inner beauty and accept that my body will go through its own changes, like gaining my womanly 20s weight. I've been through so much when it comes to body image and self esteem that I never want to go back to those dark places again. It took so long to emerge from the darkness, and I'm still trying to shake off pieces from it years later. I know you guys think I've achieved complete inner peace and happiness but I do still have demons that bite sometimes just to remind me they're still there. It's a long long process but I know it'll be well worth it in the end. I appreciate all you loving people who still follow me way after the vine days are over & continue to show me your love. You guys are the true homies. We'll get through this, and thank u for making me feel loved & understood ( ◠‿◠ ) best believe I can understand u guys & ur battles as well. Cheers

[afatdeer]

fair warning this post is regarding weight insecurities and eating disorders and just something that has been bothering me so,,,,if you still wanna read then be my guest

SO i was at my schools cafeteria and didn't see anything i wanted to eat so i just sat and waited for my friend to get her food,,,,while she was getting food the staff started talking about me calling me the "skinny little white girl with the nose ring".... then proceeded to talk about my weight and how i don't eat anything ever.... i haven't had to deal with people making comments about weight (that i know of) for a while and let me start by saying that i know skinny shaming is not really comparable to fat shaming and im not trying to say that being made fun of for being skinny is the same as being made fun of for being over weight however, it's still not okay like i know im really thin and i know im probably underweight but its not like i choose to be this way??? i eat enough every day, and im actually trying to gain weight but its hard for me for some unknown reason ive never had an eating disorder, but i have had insercurities about my weight since i was in middle school, and i was constantly told that i don't deserve to feel bad about my weight or that my problem wasn't even a problem and talking about it was inconsiderate because it made everyone else feel bad surprisingly this only made me feel worse i don't feel womanly, i see people talking about how real women have curves and i just feel kind of gross? idk but the point im trying to make in this whole rant is that talking about someone's weight like is rude and not okay no matter if they're over or under weight, it's nobody's business but theirs.

[squinching]

ngl boys, i sure have a shit body image

[diariesofayoungwhitefemale]

September 7th

I woke up feeling large today, and rolly, and not very flowing. the words feel stuck in a big web I can't undo. instead of being in the writing center right now, what I need is to be a) alone b) with a joint that will get be blazed c) with my thoughts, computer, and nothing else - . I haven't written in awhile and I find its taking its toll. I am falling behind on figuring things out, my grasp is slowly slipping - but fear not ! it cannot. because its one day at a time. I'm also on my period, which makes me feel large/rolly/weird

I met a boy at Delaware, and I'm not even going to go into it extensively, because its not worth it. I also again can't undo the web of sticky words to correctly convey my feelings, apprehension, partly because I probably don't even fully understand them myself ! ! ! 

I can say I would by lying if I said a small, desolate part of me somewhere didn’t like him. and find myself attracted to him. but is it him - or something else. I think its him, because theres nothing else, no desire for anything right now anyway. and by no desire I mean zero, none, absolutely non existent desire to get involved in feelings / emotions / trusting / etc etc etc especially with somebody less than perfect

so well do this dance I guess or hopefully it won't be a dance but we can just   be   what we are but I should be considerate and careful because I don't want you to think I don't give a shit or Im somebody who just wants to me fucked because obviously its a    little     more than that

but god damn I always have to be so careful. but not truly because I know the situation I'm in. I'm feeling frazzled, most likely because of my womanly occurrence, but I still feel the need to get some sort of   grasp    on things 

body, mind, soul

body: feeling puffy, not good. have not worked out. have eaten OK. must remind myself that its because of my period and respect / listen to what my body is saying. if I want to lie down and be lazy, thats what I will do. working out would probably be good too. eating well. just stay focused, grateful and wait or the storm to pass

mind: disconnected and frazzled because: I'm lackadaisical with my classes, I can't find my headphones charger, phone charger, glasses, the list goes on. my room feels a mess although I know its not. nellie is a lot of work and its difficult when she keeps fucking peeing in the house. class is stressing me. not sure why since I just need to pass to graduate and move on with my life and get a happy job or what not. but I'm not used to being fully 100 % committed at School, so that mindset is a bit troubling. 

soul: aching and thirsty since I've done nothing to feed or nourish it. 

------- great ------

I need to take better care of myself, but how and why and blah blah blah. I know this is the . talking , but stillllll

im in the writing center for 2 hours --> maybe I can my next 2 classes from home today and be in bed with nellie and feeling better and not in these pants which I feel so fucking fat in and which are missing two god damn threads

I guess I didn't need the coffee, ha ha 

stay tuned.