#im feeling traumatized and blessed at the same time

[macy-bee]

i do love that the series explained from the first episode that the gang will have to dig falin out of the dragon to resurrect her and we knew it was gonna be kinda fucked and yet we still weren’t expecting THAT

[missfertileandferal]

lowkey super anxious to post this but im missing you guys so much <3

i plan on a solid return soon! i just wanted to get off my chest whats been going on:

Earlier this year, I dealt with an awful situation of my kinky stuff leaking into real life. My insane coworkers found my content and as I was serving on the clock, proceeded to show my customers and all the staff. then i was fired. Im traumatized to say the least but I over came it.

Come mid summer, I planned so step back for a little bit to move apartments no more than a couple weeks. What happened was both my job (i worked with close family friends so stressful) and a really bad situation with a companion found about my kink stuff. i never expected or was prepared for the humiliation, deception, and pain that would come from my fetish journey

My last job was such a loss. I had been blessed with a cute job as a medical office assistant without any credentials (i wasnt doing anything out of my capabilities of course) it was so peaceful and perfect compared to the drama of my last gig plus working with familiar people felt just like home honestly. Then I got covid. I was out for 2 weeks, at the same time i was moving into my new place. I tried calling them back to let them know I was cleared and ready to get back to work. I received a humiliating text. I was dismissed. That turned into a crippling anxiety of them confessing to my family what I do in my past time

The following week I was met with more disappointment. Ive said this before but I dont have many people in my corner. It used to suck to admit but I stand with pride now knowing those who are around me love me 100% regardless what I do or dont do.

One of my dearest dearest friends, who I had previously communicated what I do (not to a full extent they always respected it) called me very dramatically only a week before I planned to see them (they live across the country and we ALWAYS visit each other when in our cities) It still doesnt feel real tbh, the call only last 40 seconds. I was informed that “I was going on the wrong path” and could no longer be associated with. That’s alls that happened. 8 years down the drain

I was informed by outside sources that my hometown opps had gotten hold of my content (who my ex friend still associate with but I despise bc they’ve always been obsessed with me but in a bad way) and they had confronted him about being my friend. he pussied out and cut me off. they also mass reported my last instagram account😡🤬

I had to take some time back to seriously debate if these loses were worth it. I was swallowed with so much anxiety knowing that an uncomfortable amount of people in my zip code knew what ive been up to. its already complicated being into this and while at the same time not being in a plus size body. thats another conversation tho

That debate has turned into me accepting these events as the universe weeding out people/things that no longer serve me. This has shown peoples true colors, if I am not to be associated with because of my sexual freedom, body acceptance, and undoing of fat phobia then PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Im recovering ❤️‍🩹 but my heart and hedonism can’t be helped. i love being a kinky lil gut slut. its helped me grow in so many ways from acceptance to living an esoteric dreamy life. i love all the hot girls and guys that i see on my timeline. they hype me up and vise versa. i love this little corner of the internet. my fellow freaks keep me going. i’ve been so on and off online but every time i come back to the sweetest words and support. thank you guys for your patience and consideration

my anxiety is to the roof as im typing. its crazy that these privacy problems havent been within the actual community. funny. if your still reading this I love you extra. ill be streaming on ig on my comeback day!

new ig acc @missfertileandferal💘

[fuckyoutommie]

just realized what this band has given me. i’m about to be really vulnerable after the cut, you’ve been warned 🤪✌🏼 i’ll tag the trigger warnings 🫶🏼

i first found Greta during a kind of traumatic time for me. i was in the middle of losing my 3rd pregnancy, the baby was 23 weeks and it was a baby i was loosely planning to keep. finding a band that preached so adamantly about love, acceptance, change, among other things, was so needed in that time. since November 2022 i’ve been able to respond to situations in my life with new, better intention. the love i’ve been listening to the last nearly 8 months has had an impact on how i look at people and has helped me respond with the love every person deserves. im not perfect but i have grown a LOT. as a person who has BPD it’s not very common you can go without medications, however, im no longer able to afford it meeeeeeaning i’ve been raw dogging life since November, and! my life is better than it’s ever been. i’ve done the work to look at how i respond to my environment and have changed that for the better.

it’s been a few months that i’ve been on tumblr now, in that time i think my capacity to love has grown exponentially! i’ve been blessed with some really beautiful people in my little corner of the internet! people i’ve met through this fandom!!!!! i had a bad time on twitter so i remember feeling nervous when i started interacting with people on tumblr. but boy!! if tumblr isn’t the exact opposite. i have filled my dash with people that are preaching the same love the band does!

im really grateful that i’ve found a peaceful place in my life. i did a lot of hard work to get to where i am! im proud of myself for choosing to respond now with love and understanding. i love all of you and all of me!

cheers to those four white men from michigan 🫶🏼

[cassandragemini]

Giant au? Owo? How’s that happen what’s the premise what’s the deal

i got 2 oc aus for misha and tseren where 1 of them has size changing powers and theyre sappy and run heavily on fairy tale logic cause these are fun and self indulgent. theyre more like non-canon offshoots than full alternate timelines technically cause they have the same backstory but with some weird shit happening to them suddenly. anyway both of these are a case of me writing something and then attempting to retroactively justify it in the story so some details are still kinda fuzzy but the tentative explanation im currently going with is that both of these are in some way caused by a mountain spirit who has a soft spot for misha and tends to unexpectedly give blessings or grant wishes on rare occasions but usually with a interesting twist. shes not really malevolent but she does have a tendency to give extremely unasked for “gifts” just to see how people react

side note as a general rule i usually write giant characters as roughly 60 feet tallish cause thats the height you would need to be for a tall adult to be roughly equivalent to the size of your hand

the basic gist of the au where tseren has size changing powers is that he tends to have intense emotions and he grows as a physical manifestation of that type of almost overwhelming warm fuzzy feeling where your emotions feel a little too big for your body. misha is very physically affectionate and one night tseren is laying in her arms and he offhandedly wishes that he (9 inches shorter than his beautiful butch wifehusband) wasnt too small to hold misha in the same way and make her feel that same sense of safety. he has 0 reason to even consider the idea of a mildly bored spirit listening and granting this one random whim on a very strange technicality. tseren isnt like actually aware of this at the time so it is extremely nightmarish when hes in a good mood the next day and it suddenly feels like the walls of their house are beginning to close in around him. tseren is kind of neurotic about sudden change in general and has had a deep terror around the idea of his body changing against his will after witnessing mishas traumatizing first bear transformation so this feels extremely bad. misha had the sense to pull him out of an enclosed space before he got too big to fit but she cant do really much to help him beyond that and tseren is too agitated to let her touch him at all. after a several hour long panic attack he eventually does go back to normal but hes very freaked out about everything and remains skittish and avoidant for days. it takes like a full week for misha to gently coax him into actually talking about his feelings and to stop being so distant. when he does finally feel comfortable trying to pick misha up hes uncharacteristically anxious about her which misha finds extremely endearing. both of them end up drifting to sleep with misha curled up against tseren’s chest

the giant misha thing is a way less developed idea cause i only thought of it like a month ago based on a movie scene but rn its mostly one isolated and dreamlike scene in my head with tseren being kidnapped by some other outlaws for bounty money or something along those lines. misha tries changing into a bear to protect him but unexpectedly gets very very big instead. she's objectively terrifying looking to strangers so that scares their attackers off but she tries her best to kneel down low and speak softly to tseren. they are Confused to say the least but misha doesnt seem to be in distress and despite their fear around sudden change thats the thing they care about most so theyre mostly severely disoriented instead of terrified. when tseren tries getting up he realizes he injured his ankle slightly in the initial struggle and cant put weight on it so as a solution misha simply scoops him up (with permission ) and carries him home

tldr gently picking up your big strong butch is very cute and sweet

first art is by me and the second is by a friend who isnt on here + prefers privacy. third pic technically doesnt officially count cause its chibi misha but like its cute

[yuuugay]

thank u @bi-stander 4 the tag!!!!!! ill try to make the read intresting 4 u.

and im seated for ur if progress! very much hope it goes well. i bless u with inspiration and creativity whic r the same things or not i think im too tired to fact check

ill tag @snowthornes @snail-of-fire @uvwx @kris-mage-fics im pretty sure bi alr tagged u but im too shy to tag other peeps i havent tagged b4 jabdsfubaeufffff @sharkbag-npn (u gay)

Favorite color: Purple and....green! story time; I used to HAte green because my sister, whom i dislike or disliked less over the years likes green, so i gaslighted myself for years until i caved in and just decided its actually a good color and became one of my favs. petty 12yrold yuki would be disgusted

Currently reading: What if its us by Becky Albertalli と Adam Silvera

Last series: Heartstopper for the gays (I am not a show person at all so i watch 1 episode per 2 weeks because i suddenly have no attention span when it comes to tv shows)

Sweet, savory, or spicy? Alexa play Spicy by aespa.

jk, though i do love that song, i have no preference. I just eat whatever this body of mines vibes with (to add, i hate pork fat literally GAG. I watched tthat one mukbang of lady eating an entire plate of fat, WADS of fatty meat and i traumatized myself because i genuinely start to get wheezy when i think of that amount of that)

Currently working on: well.........its working jsbj;asdbfnbsejabvgewqg

but like i feel very demotivated lately so not anytthing rn. ill get back to working on some art on the weekend

But what i want to work on the future is comic strips. ill need to simplify my lines or artstyle in general because i literally cannot keep doing those messy lines forever, or i could but i get stuck at the hair part because it needs to make sense but also doesnt jjanfnweng

[nahalism]

Bonjour!about the anger//don’t animals simply fight physically when they are angry as a part of their adulting? Idrk if we should look at them for examples. In civilization are we not striving to go around what’s in our nature so exactly to: avoid having to fight, kill, harm others when we are not in the best mood, when we want something they have i could go on and on. Maybe pushing against the animalistic side of us in order to hold up our relatively organized world is what creates all those weird ways of behaviors that we call ”traumatized” now? Only speculation. Just not sure if we were meant to be simpler and more ”cruel” and actively going against it is causing what we observe now oooor is there an adult version of a human, admittedly rare in the world as we see it now right, that was supposed to rise above all of it - and like you said - leave those ways (2 sides of pendulum) of behavior in childhood when they served us during a time when we were not as developed) and move on to a more sophisticated tools and states

stay blessed <3 :]

coucouuu, çava? <3

i agree! suppression of our animalistic nature leads to perversion of it and is directly stopping human evolution into maturity. for example, in our society 'a civilised child doesnt throw tantrums'. but a child feels what it feels and has only one language to express it. so if a child has a tantrum (natural) but the adult raising it hasnt learned to teach and speak to a child (unnatural), it will silence instead of teach the child. now the child acts 'civilised' and does what its told, but isnt civilised at all, it is actually just repressed, and instead of learning how to maturely regulate and deal with emotional turmoil, has to find covert ways of meeting its needs. worse than that it has no one to blame or be mad at, cause its just inheriting the sins of the past

& as for animals, nah they dont actually. animals are quite very intelligent and quite sensible (much more than we give them credit for). if you look to nature you'll see they usually only exert force when its warranted, when their hungry, or when they're frightened. and im not just referring to domesticated animals. where im from in nigeria, the tribe my grandmothers from has a 'symbiotic relationship' for lack of a better word with the snakes and crocodiles at the river. the snakes do not attack the humans, the humans dont attack the snakes (they actually rever them). same with the crocs. they have a mutual understanding and unless one crosses a boundary things remain that way.

to my mind the highest form of civilisation is to honour nature and its laws because that is truth and cannot be destroyed. what humans have created currently emulates and is built using the truth, but can be destroyed, so is not truth itself. only study and understanding of nature, which comes from closeness to it, leads humanity to wisdom and self knowledge. as above, so below, as within, is without. & so i believe the reason were so backward is because we forgot these philosophies or we know them and are too fearful to change. were so stuck in our ego and this false world weve created (which we call civilisation) that we forgot how to start humble. how to learn about the earth and the stars before we learn about popularity, working and money. nature was the original teacher of math science and the original source of materials for the arts. etc. so yeah. its just a reflection of our societies priorities. — that said, i also think theres nothing to worry about, every generation is divided amongst the fools and wisemen. we need the contrast to evolve and know the difference. the wisemen pave a path for the youth, and the fools (there r two kinds) help the wisemen. so really everything is as its meant to be, and its possible all of this is happening to propel humanity and the world toward evolution, growth and having more experience (knowledge & wisdom).

this was acc rly interesting so thanks for sending. i love hearing u alls opinions <3 sending my love

[theropoda]

something to be said about the special kind of fucked up that is when the harm comes from inside. when i was younger i agonized so much over why i was so Damaged even though i had no trauma or a bad childhood but i think that's cause my understanding of such, was limited entirely to "an outside force harming me" and nothing else. like an accident, like poverty or war, like abusive parents, or being harmed psychically or mentally by someone else. did not at all account for "being harmed from the inside". my parents tried their best, we had the privilege of being able to visit several doctors, i don't remember any traumatic environmental experiences (like a near death accident or disaster or what have you) my body and brain just failed me so badddd and there was just nothing to be done about it. except a few therapies that either didn't do much or were avoided because they were too, uh... "did not take into account the fact that a child is a small person with agency and feelings and not some animal to be manhandled"-y (thank god for my parents for recognizing that) wasn't deprived of any basic human right other than i suppose, "not being fucked up in ways you couldn't think of". But that's disability for you!!! ;!!!!!!!!!! I wish i could have recognized sooner i was just a disabled child and the gradual, straws-on-a-camel's-back build up of trauma it brings. maybe then i wouldnta spent so many years secretly wishing i had abusive parents cause it meant i had a good reason to be Fucked in the Head

just. one of the earliest examples of something that seems to be a common theme or running gag in my life which is feeling left out all the time other people sharing something i don't have. and every time, every single time, it's not like people do it out of malice! no one is singling me out on purpose i just feel so alone and alien in these experiences. it's not anybody's fault that they simply have not experienced the highly specific circumstances that have defined my life and my brain. but it just feels awful to not have anyone to really spill my heart out to about these things and hear their response, "god i know the feeling. i know it exactly. i know what you are going through i understand the specific hell that it is." it's usually just "im so sorry". again, nobody's fault! but it just sucks so bad.

and it repeats itself everywhere i go. and when i think about it, every single different time in which i feel singled out and alone from everyone else can probably be routed back to the original event: growing up disabled as a kid. in a way that cut me off from so many fucking normal experiences people usually have. im not missing out on anything that i need to survive, thankfully. got my basic animal needs met, like food and a roof over my head. but im missing out on things that make me human. lots of school and education stuff especially.

i am not just surviving, i do not live off scraps, but im not thriving either. i feel like a pet who gets nice beds and good food and regular vet checkups, a good sized cage and everything but no enrichment. i don't need enrichment to live but ill go fucking insane without it. is there such a thing as trauma from fucking monotony, from no enrichment? stuck in the same place, same thing same people every day? it's a good place here. i am not in danger or anything. i just think im being torn apart by the absolute nothing. if i wasn't disabled id be doing so much more, doing everything i can, to have experiences, try new things, learn new things get a job do something anything. i can't though! Lol. Everyday is exactly the same.

aren't i just a fucking parrot?

im not a bug expert by any means but what i have gleamed from following Bug Blogs (Blessed May They Be) is that their needs are specific, but basic, simultaneously. like ig for isopods is food, water. shelter. protection from disease and death. the right temp, humidity. life is good.

but a parrot? n.... no...? good food, water, shelter, a good sized cage, protection from disease. that is good. but if that's all it has, a parrot will, from my understanding, tear itself asunder. literally. i have heard feather plucking can result from sheer lack of enrichment, boredom, monotony.

i feel like that. parrot that kills itself because no touys [kramer voice] it's like a gilded cage inhere if you read this far im so sorry i promise im fine sometimes it just dawns on you. sometimes i see something and i am just reminded of uh (points to above novel length text) all of this. Wait i just realized i already have trichotillomania so i really am feather plucking in a way wait . hey guys what was th

.

[wishmemel]

BLESS YOUR ABSOLUTE SOUL ABOUT YOUR HOT TAKE ON WHAT KIND OF PARTNER SATORU NEEDS IM-

im so tired of those x reader fics where the reader is mean/annoyed/snappy/straight up ignores him,,,, like,,,, yall forget who his soulmate was and if that doesn't tell you this guy doesn't need love, support, a shoulder to lean on emotionally and still be very physically needed and relevant then idk if we're reading the same jujutsu kaisen... (obviously everybody can write and enjoy whatever content they want and enjoy but i just have a personal dislike for it at this point because it's prevalent in the tags)

i love reading fics (and there is WAY too little of them) where the reader/oc/partner is just. soft with satoru and accepting and just gentle. straight up. treats him like a baby kitten like a tiny kirby made out of marshmallow even through he's. strong big imposing yada yada; obviously relationship banter and sarcasm are cool and cute to a degree and very loved and appreciated when written well but idk, i just feel like ur post hit my very soul so, thank you!! your thoughts and writing are very lovely and i can't wait to see more!

ugh. people like you turn me into a blushing mess. i adore you.

i love reading people’s opinions on my posts ‘cause otherwise i just feel like i’m talking to myself (which i also do a lot.) but it’s really fun to interact with people on the site which is the whole reason i joined in the first place.

I completely understand where you’re coming from with the snappy/ignoring reader. maybe satoru would find someone like that fun to tease and fun to talk to, but i think it would take a lot for him to be able to trust/open up/rely on someone like that. like a literal miracle. when you present yourself in a relationship like that, you’re not presenting yourself as someone trustworthy, really. There’s going to be a lingering fear of judgement and criticism, always (totally not speaking from experience :D) so i think it would be interesting to see that kind of relationship being built on, like a slow burn, i guess.

but satoru needs someone who really cares about him at their core. someone who falls for him first, basically, and proves how much they care. but at the same time they need to be firm. i love to see attitude and teasing from reader as long as it remains surface level and isn’t serious, you know. ‘cause i know satoru would love that too. he thrives on that banter. too much emotion and the poor thing might break. so if reader is being subtle but like not-so-subtle, that’s a good balance.

(and that makes no sense. great, safi, you’ve lost everyone.)

i mean subtle as in they’re definitely going out of their way to do things for him, but they aren’t flaunting that. it doesn’t have to be grand gestures. that’s more his thing. it’s small things with a lot of meaning. and being the traumatized guy that he is, satoru will definitely fixate on those small things.

i have a part two for the hot take in my drafts honestly cause i don’t think i was clear enough with my opinion so you might disagree with part two, but i’d love to hear your thoughts regardless. it’s just an elaboration on my previous thoughts and what i’ve said in this post as well, and i’ll finish it soon so i can post it (just gotta add a little more cause i’ve been kinda busy lately). it’s coming soon!

as always, lots of love, anon. hope you’re taking care of yourself <3

[pinkseas]

'parasocial bestie' im on my knees cry laughing like a pathetic peasant at the feet of a king blessing me id put an indicator everytime i jump here but its not like my ask specifically with 748274 word paragraphs is easy to miss in your inbox anyway ANYWAY WORDS WOW YOUR WORDS;;,;...... i could just pick out every term and phrase your described like a scientist thinking wow so that's what it is THATS EXACTLY HOW IT GOES about this xiaolumi dynamic i get crazy on that intrudes my thouhgt processes 98% of the time

qpr xiaolumi gets me haywire my brain neurons tangling 24/7 i get them to a dynamic so far out of romance to a 'love' that is all about understanding and care that i dont even MIND they're friends until the end, that idt "xiaolumi" is the better word than just xiao and lumine. it just fits, so much about them rlly fits in entirety both history and present its not about protection its about Reaching Out, holding hands being a go-to physical closeness just for warmth and security they're right There; the shoulder bumps, their backs on each other this 'quiet love' the 'not vulnerable in one of them but vulnerable to each other' THEY'RE STRONG FOR OTHERS BUT WEAK TO THEMSELVES. 'they're able to share such a unique loneliness, the fact that in not being understood by anyone around them they're able to understand each other' BANGS MY HEAD ON THE TABLE FALLS OF MY CHAIR it's really just!! this description is still commonly used but it's such a different case with them that it hits HARD (or maybe i'm just biased idc nonetheless eyes xlmi only)

what i Think would differ between my xlmi and yours tho is that i characterize xiao a little differently so it's like another typa exploration of lumine understanding him (and vice versa) altogether; he's a little no brained a little emotionless to his own self worth it's hard to feel things personally, likely an effect of his traumatic past changing him to lose autonomy and gaining it back. his emotions are a little muted and subdued that contrasts lumine's overflow of it but they both do have good control of them in general, so that's pree much the only large barrier they have that makes it a tad harder for them to understand in general. a strong xiao is good, protective and vigilant, but ppl miss the super essential fact he canonly states he trusts the traveler to stand their ground. that's where you see lumine is just as strong, people of the same wavelength and strength it just clicks easily (a bit complicated in mine, but their closeness is just the same,...) a fav personal hc detail i go crazy on brainrotting sometimes is there's the touch of desperation they had on each other and you put that very well in your fics, and like i said not too exaggerated- nor extreme that its realistic and human, very in-line with canon even.

and boy just OH BOY to merely focus their development on the simple, little things just like you described and to me it's truly like walking out to a quiet expanse after a heavy rain where everything in nature has a somber serenity of dewdrops and petrichor. it's a sign that's how xiao and lumine unconsciously heal each other through that understanding, the clashes they'd face and the warmth that closes in a resolute embrace.

[breaks down completely i dont got more words but my brain is xlmi speeding]

"like a pathetic peasant at the feet of a king blessing me" as though you are not the one who crowned me in the first place.......... we stand on equal ground my friend (deep ground) (the trenches) (fighting for our fucking lives hand in hand)

xiao and lumine. you are SO FUCKING REAL FOR THIS xiaolumi is cute i will continue to use it out of laziness as one does but man. at their core at their hearts. xiao and lumine, lumine and xiao. it feels like the difference between two halves coming together to make a whole and two matching wholes. separate but together.

"its not about protection its about Reaching Out" YES YES YES YES ohhh my god you could not be more real for this. the holding hands the closeness the warmth the security the little reminders of hey, im here, its okay, we're okay. STRONG FOR OTHERS BUT WEAK TO THEMSELVES........ explodes into a million pieces. and ur right i feel like a lot of dynamics sort of share that concept but with xiaolumi its Different bc they are my most specialist little guys ever its just. ITS DIFFERETN !!!!!!!!!!! <- like trust me

also that is so fucking fascinating like idk different interpretations nbd but i feel like Part Of That is us interpreting the way he'd react/respond to that trauma differently? which i fucking LOVE, because there's no right response to something like that anything is possible its just a matter of taking a look at where he is in the present and building something behind it that could have played a part in making him who he is. and there's so much we see of him but so much we dont, too, that leaves SO much wiggle room for characterization and i just. gmnmfnmgnmmfn. and i LOVE that so much, the sort of push and pull with his being muted where lumines overflow, that's SUCH a good dynamic dear LORD. the little steps to reach out to and understand one another the things they could learn and teach one another ohhhhh my god.

"there's the touch of desperation they had on each other" no bc this is SO IMPORTANT TO ME if i didnt include this just a little bit i think i would have exploded. and it cant be too much but it cant be too little, either, so im SO glad that it felt realistic to you !!!!

walking outside after heavy rain... the Stillness the Peace the fresh air that follows. taking a deep breath and feeling alive. god. GOD. i have done this so many times i LOVE the rain and i LOVE going on walks after it and especially after like the semi-heavier storms we get here and i know the exact feeling you mean and i cannot stress enough how wonderful it is to me that youd describe it that way. god. AND "how xiao and lumine unconsciously heal each other through that understanding" THISSSSSSS makes me insane i am biting through phone books i am punching the wall they are everything to me. Everything.

[rieamy]

I would say sadness. Just felt like its that one emotion that leads to mental health issues such as MDD, psychosis etc. When one starts to isolate themselves due to sadness, one thing leads to another. What if they dont isolate themselves? They start going to parties, drink & doing god knows what just to numb themselves. Nothing good comes from being sad. From time to time i do go back to that habit, drinking, just to get my emotions all out. If not i can go on months/ years suppressing everything not knowing how to express that im feeling broken/ sad.

I started praying again in 2022. I still have mix emotions about praying. Kadang in sujud i always cry to Him asking why are my blessings are always delayed.. from my jodoh to my studies. Nothing is ever right. I always doa for the same thing over and over but... still nothing. When i get mad at Him, I rebel & tak solat. But then if i skip, i feel shitty. If i keep going back to solat, i feel at peace after. The challenge is always trying to solat. The rasa just berat gila. Mcm hati & otak kau gaduh.

Idk why i feel like everyone else's life mcm they have a brief amount of happiness tau, like they get to rasa. Aku? Takde pun. Its always hardship after hardship. Tengok orang happy, successful. The thing is i never feel jealous. All i ever do is compare myself to them mcm, asal aku tk pernah rasa happy/ successful cam dorang. Bila aku punya turn nak rasa gini? What am i doing wrong? What does it feel like to be happy & successful? Every few months mesti ade benda buat aku happy kejap je. Then it goes away beh yang rasa sedih is me. The sadness lingers longer than the happiness, like every time tau. Aku pun tak tau ape nak jadi honestly, kawan2 aku je kat my second acc tau how much i suffered.

Really just feel like im gonna lose my shit & sanity if one more traumatic shit is gonna happen to me. Cuz like it's amazing i managed to stay sane at this point, belum jadi gila, yet. Bukan aku sorang je cakap ni, kawan2 aku pun cakap ni. Hearing things from them saying "aku tk tau camne kau tahan syai, kau just strong, sabar je la syaii" really makes me so sad. Im not proud of it, it just reminds me asal aku yang kene suffer macam ni. Dalam doa im always begging Him to please give me a bit of happiness cause i really need it. Jujur just penat. Hati penat. Otak penat. Is this life even worth living? Whats the point of living when there's more sadness than happiness. Nak bunuh diri, tak boleh. Dosa besar. Abeh nak buat ape? Suffer la kan hahahaha

[kimikudario-blog]

Diagnosed.

I was diagnosed with PTSD with complicated grief for almost two years now.

PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Its not easy. Everyday, for me, is like living in the same situation over and over again.

What is the situation? It's the time when God took my mother home. It was the saddest and most painful thing that happened to me. Me and my siblings were there and I am the only one affected. Its a good thing. I dont want my siblings to experience this agony.

This is how my day look like: I cant sleep properly since I am having a nightmare (Nightmare consist of someone close to me dying), I will wake up anxious with body pain, head ache and nausea. If I dont drink meds for my anxiety, I will be anxious all day. I would be depress that I have to like push myself harder to work or to do house chores or just to smile. I just want to lay down all day. I feel so tired.

Its crazy that I get so tired without doing anything. I dont know why but I guess its because of the battle that's going on my mind. Everyday, I fight not to hurt myself. Every second, I fight not to take my life. I want to live.

I want to thank my Psychiatrist, my Psychologist for being so understanding and so kind to me. For my family who's always there (though some of them dont fully understand whats going on with me but I appreciate that they try to and ask questions and of course I appreciate their prayers) For my friends who make themselves available every time I need someone to talk to. For Cindy, who became my second mother. For Lolo because he go through extra effort to research about mental health and corporate it to his preaching. For tita miles who always there like 24/7 to listen. And to God whos always reaching out to me; Grace as sweet as honey - sustaining me everyday.

Mental health is as precious as physical health too. Some of you dont believe in mental health illness. I encourage you to read books about it, or you can just google it. Ask doctors. Dont judge. Have an understanding heart. You are blessed that you dont experience this pain.

If you are curious, you can ask me.

Yes, I do take medicines. Its well maintained. I just need to avoid my triggers.

Triggers:

Anything related to death (Im sorry if I cant go to your family's wake)

Anything related to medical field (I cant even read my textbooks without crying)

Screaming and too much noise

Hospitals - especially emergency room

Halang, Calamba

Anything stressful

Although PTSD doesnt have any cure, I have faith that I will be healed. Isaiah 53:5. Healing for PTSD and for my broken heart.

And I just want to add that I dont have PTSD because I dont go to church or that I dont pray! Please! I have my devotions just so you know. Let's just face it, even Christians are not safe with PTSD, anxiety or depression or any mental health issues! We are not exempted from it.

Remember, in the bible, Elijah wanted God to take his life. Thats his prayer. He was tired. But the Lord have other plans for him. When Elijah fell asleep, an angel visited him and told him to eat.

Even prophets experience mental health issues. So dont you tell me I lack faith thats why I have PTSD. I pray that your hearts will be opened and see this as an opportunity to share the gospel to those who needs help.

Its like people are drowning then what you do is mock them? Thats not what Jesus would do.

[mekbroken]

My favourite person.

To my favourite person,

I wish that i could be yours forever. I wish that i will be in your hugs forever. I wish that i can have my hugs and kisses from you every morning.

To my favourite person,

I love everything about you. Your smile, your laugh, your stupid behavior and i love to see your pretty eyes when you sleep before me. I could look into your beautiful eyes, forever and never get tired of it.

My favourite person,

pretty and handsome man. I fell in love every inch of you. I don't care what shape you are before. I love you the same way because you are still the same person that i know. Warm and loving person.

To my favourite person,

I could listen to your voice for hours and never feel bored. I could hold your arm and never want to let go, because being with you is a blessing for me. I could hug you for hours and never get bored of it. I can't believe how lucky i am to have you as my boyfriend before.You are always in my thoughts, and all my dreams all i see is you. Three months after our breakup, does take my whole life to get over it. I woke up from my dream with tears every morning cause i missed you so fucking much but i know there's nothing that i can do for us. For now, only the pictures of us that can make me cry.

My favourite person,

how's your heart today? Is it still painful or you are getting better? To be honest, i've tried everything that i could do for us. I've tried my Best to make your parents to accept me. I've tried my Best to be a better and a good girlfriend for you . I know i can't pushed you to be someone else. The day that i talked to your mum is the day that i put my value as a woman aside cause i love you. I love u so much that i beg your mum to let us to be together. I made a call saying that im serious and i really care about you. I know the chances in our relationship. I know it damn well but please, let me have a little moment with you. The day your mum contact me, is the day that i need you the most. The day that i'm scared to lose you but after i see how you react on that time. I know. That's the last chance for me to defend our relationship. I'm sorry my love. I'm tired begging someone to stay in my life. I'm tired being the one left to fight for us.

My favourite person,

I've tried my best to make you happy for these years. I've tried my Best to help you when you need me. I've tried my best to make our relationship works. I've tried my best to make you believed in our relationship. I know, to make these things works,i need to try harder but i'm sorry, i lost myself while trying to love you. I'm tired being the one who defend this relationship. I'm tired crying every night thinking that am i ever be enough to someone? I'm tired to be the person that always give everything until i don't have anything left for me. I'm tired with my own expectation from you. I'm tired with my overthinking and i know that you are tired too but u scared to say that because u don't want to see me sad.

My love,

I dont regret to let you go because i know you will be better without me. U will not longer to worry about my overthinking habits and stupid behaviour. The only thing that i regret is i failed to understand you. I failed to understand your feelings. I expect something more from you. So please, don't feel traumatized to know another woman because of me. It doesn't worth for a shit person like me. I'll pray that one day, you find another woman that who can understand that you are trying your best. You are trying to start your life. Who dont push you to be someone else. A woman that your family accept for who she is. A woman that will not make you cry on your birthday and I'm sorry that i can't be that woman.

Although you are not mine anymore, you will always be my favourite person. The day that you say that you still loved me, i hope that i can say it also, but i know it will never change anything. I know,the fact that my feelings for you will never change our situation. I hoped that we are not fighting because of our past relay. Please take care of yourself out there.,,

send with love.

[idiotwhowritesgenshin]

Diluc and Kaeya with a zombie sibling like Jean and Barbara but for extra angst...

The sibling died when Diluc and Kaeya fought because they threw themselves into the crossfire, trying to stop their brothers from hurting each other.

I did consider this but ultimately a scenario like this is angst overload lol and that restricts my writing a fair bit so I’ll do the one I initially planned

I will explain some differences though with this scenario to this one if you want anon and thanks for being my first ask in this blog :>>>

(Also Im gonna try to get some balls and tag diluc but if the person sees this Im gonna die)

I’m so indecisive on whether to use “Y/N’ or “you” when I cant just say “they” for the reader, can I get some advice on that?

Once again scream at me in my inbox and or replies if I accidentally gave a gender this shit is supposed to be GENDER NEUTRAL IF I MESSED UP TELL ME😭😭

These are also longer than Jean and Barbara’s just because I have better grasps of the brothers’ lore over the two sisters

TW Death, Diluc and Kaeya are traumatized but no condition is specified cause I am not a mental health expert (obviously, if there was other things I needed to tag tell me)

Diluc and Kaeya with a zombie younger sibling

How the sibling died is that they were with Diluc and their father when they were attacked by Ursa the Drake. While Diluc fought off the dragon as Crepus ran to get his delusion, the sibling was killed when Diluc got preoccupied and the Four winds took pity on Diluc when they saw his breakdown at losing his younger sibling and father on the night of his birthday. They were revived before Kaeya chose to reveal his secret and Diluc claimed custody of their sibling, as their biological brother and promptly disowned Kaeya. Reader is roughly 10-12 when they died.

Diluc

- The Knights of Favonius are even worse in his eyes. His entire family died that night and they couldn’t even own up to it, they couldn’t own up to the death of his father and the death of Y/N, a CHILD

- Diluc is a fiercely protective older brother who tends to be overbearing in terms of his sibling’s safety. He really can’t help it, the sight of their corpse and feeling them grow cold in his arms traumatized him immensely and the thought of something like that ever happening again

- His protectiveness is luckily able to be calmed by the servants at his home who always do their best to help him stay grounded to reality and not lose sight of who he is in his overwhelming need to protect the only family he has left

- Perhaps it is a blessing that Y/N lost their memories as if they had remembered who Diluc was before, they surely would have been heartbroken to see their once cheerful brother who was the proud cavalry captain of the knights of Favonius become the dark and brooding, wine tycoon who did dark knight hero work at the side

- Diluc wants to still have a presence in his sibling’s life both because they are part of the reason he works so hard to protect Mondstadt, so that no one may suffer the same fate as they did again, and he’ll never admit it but truly does miss when he could hang out and play with his siblings in bliss

- He doesn’t want Kaeya going near them, when he had confessed to being a spy, in his overwhelming grief and anger, he had accused Kaeya of trying to take his entire family from him and even asked if he was upset that you managed to live

- He ordered his butler to make sure that whenever his sibling went out they have someone with them along with their notebook as he similarly to Jean, is anxious on the thought his sibling could just forget him

- When he's not busy and can properly spend time with his sibling, he mostly allows them to take the wheel as he's honestly just not sure what they want to do with how they've forgotten the past and are still rediscovering their interests so he'll mostly watch them waddle around with different activities and entertain them

Kaeya

- Diluc barred him from meeting their sibling ever again but when did the orders of others ever stop him

- Kaeya is honestly a mystery to his former adoptive sibling, he’s a man who feels familiar yet his appearances in their life are sporadic and Diluc only ever tells them to avoid Kaeya but Kaeya finds his ways to worm his way into Y/N’s life

- His sibling is often left either giggly and excited or just confused after spending time with him due to his tendency to play mind games, something that just leaves them unsure of what happened but luckily never causes them long-term distress due to their short term memory

- Whenever Kaeya is asked about his feelings on his sibling becoming a zombie, he never gives a proper answer either leaving some comment on it, too vague to get any idea on his feelings or dodge the question altogether

- Y/N coming back to life gave him a naive hope, a hope that maybe the world would be on his side and that he could finally stop lying, that he could finally pick who to side with between Khaenri’ah and Mondstadt but that didn’t happen, and he would never let himself be so vulnerable again

- He doesn’t blame them for his current situation with Diluc, even if their death did inspire him to try and open up, it was ultimately his choice and it undeniably hurts to be denied access to someone he truly sees as a younger sibling by the man he still sees as his older brother, he’ll take it with a smile, like he always has

- The notebook issue does worry him but luckily he has his ways to worm his way in so that they can remember him, no matter what Diluc does, Kaeya has his ways

- He likes to have them spend time with Klee, you became much quieter after you were revived due to becoming a zombie so he finds it adorable to watch the cheerful Spark Knight play with their sibling who for the most part is confused but also enjoys playing with her, he always makes sure to stop Klee from doing anything that could be harmful to them though, Diluc would kill him

[yomiurinikei]

the pride hcs. hand them over.

happy disability pride month everyoneeeee <3

this was sent in june tho, so!!!!!!!

kiyoka: trans het. im right

kizuna: lesbiannn

ayame: lebsian <3

kanata: ??? i do not have thoughts here. kanata can be bi as a treat <3333 can def see her as trans but its not as real to me as trans kiyoka!

kakeru: bi 100%. def lean towards guys. def see him as trans

kinji: gayyyy

haruhiko: my controversial opinion is that hes gay but bi haruhikos are 100% accepted. people who hc him as bi are my beloveds

satsuki: same as haruhiko i do think shes a lesbian but viewing her as bi is literally such an iconic take full support there. also both she and haru r trans

mikako: i dont have much thoughts but shes a woman liker for sure. also she and yamato traded genders (trans)

yamato: continuing the trend we saw with haru and satsuki, i have the same thought on him as i do mikako. he likes boys

akane: okay. potentially controversial take x3 but i like bi akane its just that 99% of the time when i see that take people procced to erase her very very wlw thoughts about ayame which is super shitty. so. yeah. canonically has a lot of trauma with men which id imagine fucked her up in general when it comes to attraction? i think she rlly only acts on her feelings towards girls bc thats whats healthiest and best for her and makes her feel the most comfy and that is iconic of her

utsuro: im not legally allowed to talk about him

rei: i dont think about rei.....

teruya: hes so canon gay but at the cost of being victim to linuj's relentless homophobia

tsurugi: and for the final time: see above. so heavily queer coded and is written with so much homophobia due to it. should start a club with ayame and teruya

~*~

yuri: having traumatic flashbacks rn but he does not like women im sorry u cant sell that shit being genuine, healthy love to me. gay ass

hajime: utsuro blessed him by transing his gender

kokoro: woman liker!!!

emma: hmmm. bi with vv strong female lean mayhaps... can see her being trans for sure!

kanade: lesbian. linuj is so strange.

hibiki: sorry im just thinking about how within canon shes got all that trauma keeping her brain from rlly being 100% i dont. wanna say anything here tbh

setsuka: most bi to ever be bi. also i like the thought of trans setsuka :]

nikei: hm.

shinji: also transhet!!!!

iroha: the only cis child of utsuro.

mikado: i hate him so much. mikado is not welcome at pride

yuuki: boy liker! see him as gender weird but hes amab/gender doesnt matter much to him so he just chills being perceived as a guy

syobai: 100% hes gay.

[bbbrianjones]

hi again i forgot to ask but im genuinely curious whos your fave from mental as anything sorryy <333

cara irpo32pjrbewrefjpoknflej;klnf;knlfjknlfbdklnfn marry me i swear to god!!! YOU ASKING ME THIS ACTUALLY MADE MY DAY <3!!!

it's greedy!! i know i'm gonna get really sappy and a little bit emotional talking about him because he means so much to me. he really does. i don't want to be all cliche and whatever but his music changed my life. for real. one time i went laid on the floor and listened to fundamental as anything and just sobbed. sobbed my little eyes out. because of how much his lyrics meant to me. all of his songs always have these little touches of sweetness, say a song like spirit got lost. really it’s about spooky season and ghost and ooOooOOoO HOWEVER he just HAD to include the line ‘they’ll always be a chair for you in the corner of my heart’ i mean WHAT IN TH E HONEST FUCKKKKKKKK that lines launches into the fucking sun every time i hear. i listen to that line. blackout and then play it again. like my heart honestly swells so much because it’s so sweet!! it really is!! another song which makes my brain rot is ‘let’s go to paradise’, which in itself is quite a sweet and romantic song, with its line ‘don’t you wonder about the time that you spent wasting your own when you could be wasting mine?” I MEAN WHO HONESTLY WRITES STUFF LIKE THIS!!!! he’s just a big teddy bear, a wonderful little marshmallow!! he’s also quite funny, i remember an interview where he was talking about food and dinner wines and suddenly casually dropped that he was the reason his brother broke up his six month engagement. like honey i didn’t need to know that but you know what?? i’m glad i do now!!! i also LOVE seeing the development he has as a songwriter, his songs were mostly album fillers which doesn’t mean he didn’t have a banger each album which can be seen here now GO!

get wet! - insurance man

espresso bongo - won’t let me drive

cats & dogs - too many times

creatures of leisure - bitter to swallow

fundamental - date with destiny 

mouth to mouth - my door is always open to you

literally chef’s kiss to all of these songs. but really the first songs/singles were all martin’s and reg’s songs, and of course being that they are songs from this band, they slap so hard. so hard. oh my god. BUT greedy barely had any songs, at most he had three on each album up until fundamental. this is literally stretching it but to me he was kinda like the george harrison of the group where he was kinda in the background just doing his own thing and then suddenly he goes BOOM! i give you live it up, top twenty hit song in ten countries!! and while i’m at it - you’re so strong! oh? that isn’t enough??? DATE WITH DESTINY THEN BABY!! literally the first THREE SINGLES from their best selling album are from greedy. like i don’t think you understand, where is the appreciation for this sudden transformation??? my king deserves much more respect than that !!! and then greedy really does become the main guy for writing the singles, and produces banger after banger and honestly it’s such a blessing. martin once said he loved all the songs greedy has written because same same. i get u martin baby!!

look the reason i do love him so much is because with his songs, he does bring so much joy to my life especially in a period in my life where it was just awful. without going into too much detail as i will have a breakdown, live it up saved my life, because it made me feel like i was seen and loved after a very traumatic event, like greedy himself wrote it for me. like yes it is very much a pop song, in some way it can be seen as quite silly, my dad always sings ‘get it up’ rather than live it up but even HE KNOWS the connection i have with this, it’s my baby. it’s my oxygen supply, my bloodline. i saw someone say that mental as anything gave up their “quirkiness” when they released this and i got SO OFFENDED. this is literally a man talking to someone about how the whole world would literally collapse if they smiled -  how can you NOT explode hearing that?? please greedy sir warm my hands against the cold <3 it’s always a song i use when talking about why music means so much to me, it’s that song that allowed me experience connection and just a reminder that everything is going to be ok. weirdest song to have that kinda emotional response to but i don’t care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[confortaleza]

JULIAN “JILL” SATO ( he/they ) is a NON-BINARY, TWENTY SIX year old ZEHR’S BY THE SEA EMPLOYEE who has been living in Moorbrooke for TWENTY FOUR years. They were born on OCTOBER 15 and right now, they are currently residing in MAPLE COURT. It has been said that they look suspiciously like BOOBOO STEWART and if they had to choose a song to describe themselves, they would choose WEVE GOT THE POWER by GORILLAZ. ( cielo, 25, mst, she/her

b a s i c s

full name : julian “jill” sato sexual orientation : demisexual  occupation: drummer of the leftovers. greenhouse worker  +amiable +loyal + jocular   -sensitive -dumb -secretive

h i s t o r y  s u m m a r y

tw: mention of homelessness, tw: mention of juvie

jill became homeless at the age of 16 when their  mother decided to abandon them. they didn’t know their father, so jill was truly on their own. so they took their time to backpack the country before landing in new york. they got in a lot of freaking trouble there and short story long, they ended up getting arrested and sent to an orphanage after spending a year in juvie. came back to moorbrooke cus they missed his pals. they never graduated high school. instead got their GED when they were like 20. only a handful of people knows about that part of jill’s life, because it’s not something they like to flaunt. those two years were traumatizing for jill  but they are trying to move past it. their dream? to become a farmer lol. knows a lot about agriculture, so they are working up the courage to go to college for it

h i s t o r y

someday 

w a n t e d. c o n n e c t i o n s

ASTRID - girls night + jill. someone braid his hair, paint his nails, do face masks with him. PLEASE POPPYSEED- someone hurt him pls like maybe he has a crush on your DANDELION  - he does a lot of community service! maybe someone who plants trees with him on the weekends POISON IVY - someone who sees how dumb jill is and literally takes advantage of it lol like they are making him do drug runs and jill is deadass like “im delivering a package for my friend!” MAGNOLIA - uptown girl having the hots for the hippie drummer boy and vice versa lol  ASPEN - camping buddies! someone who loves the outdoors as much as jill does or someone who hates it but likes jill enough to try it out SPIDER LILY - an ex!  I’m flexible with anything tbh like maybe they broke up before jill left town, or because they were spending too much time with the band, or maybe they couldn't stand what a pushover they were lol anything does FORGET ME NOT - childhood friends, the few that know what the hell happened with jill. maybe it’s

e x t r a s

- hippie love child -not the sharpest tool in the shed, bless their heart 

-but at the same time they are!they just dont believe in themselves! -definitely the sweetest! people pleaser is their  middle name  -feel free to be super mean to them lol they wont catch it lol they would 100% think you’re joking  - befriending jill is like, adopting an oversized puppy. - would totally throw hands if someone was mean to their friend though. - if there is one thing this kid can’t stand is littering - loves plants! has a million in their  little studio. takes it upon himself to water any of the plants surrounding the complex building. lowkey started a mini garden in the backyard after begging the landlords  - is high 90% of the time. doesn’t like to drink though.  - they make their own cigarettes out of lavender.  -a camping/hiking god. knows the best spots and is always looking for road trip buddies  -they are the drummer in ryan’s band and they love it!! they got hella strong arms lol - a very anxious person underneath all those smiles. has trouble sleeping by myself cus it reminds him of those two years. - has a cocker spaniel mix dog named clover! absolutely loves her! she’s a support animal!