#im healing my inner child teen and self

[seaofgoldensand]

"you're spending money on pixels" "it's just a game" "stop wasting money" yeah well it's better than wasting it on drugs

[paperlovesadness]

I'm sitting outside in the sun in wet jeans - following advice on how to stretch denim to better fit you - making breathing room for myself and my thighs who are hated by jean sizing everywhere - and I'm getting sappy about Tumblr and fangirling and this community of lovely, unapologetically excited people I've met here.

This is something not many will probably read (long posts can be tough, I get it) - it just kind of all spilled I guess? Incoherently but with passion. So why not set it free when it's already here.

You see - I can't help but credit Tumblr as this huge part of my inner child healing journey. And particularly the girlhood part of it all.

Subconsciously & even consciously I've felt so so ashamed of these "girly" sides of me all my life. Especially in their "prime time" of my tween and teen years. I'd love things secretly - or at most - talk about them only after loudly labelling them as "guilty pleasures" (quite a terrible concept) or acting like it's all done with a tinge of self-aware irony.

But being a hopeless romantic; loving your favorite characters with your whole being; squealing over your favorite music and the musicians who make it; talking about your favorite songs and lyrics and photos; drawing, editing, making fanart of things that make your heart sore; sharing your fantasies and dreams; crying about quotes and big ideas; writing stories - those are all such beautiful things.

I've immersed myself back in the worlds of blogging and fanfiction and musical fangirling and... In many ways I haven't felt this good since I was a kid - still untouched by society and it's shaming of the endless supply of passion I had in me towards the things I loved.

And fangirls are a force. Fangirls are what made the music industry what it is. They're who discovered the Beatles and Leonard Cohen and Frank Sinatra and David Bowie - amongst so many others - and when they did the hard work - only then was it all taken over and appropriated by men who claimed only they can "truly and objectively" appreciate it.

It's girls - bright, unapologetically excited, passionate girls who care for pretty things and things with a soul and things with a story, with romantic connotations - girls who love to curate aesthetically pleasing landscapes and spaces around themselves - it's those girls who contributed hugely to an actual analogue photography and vinyl pressing revival & re-popularization.

I'm in my late twenties. I've only recently let myself pierce my ears and start wearing makeup sometimes. And care openly about my appearance and fashion choices. It's very much still all queer coded and slightly gender-mixed. Because that's me. But caring about these things has always been categorized as a "girl thing" = therefore = shameful, shallow, not something to be proud of.

I'm continuously curing my incredibly hurtful and internally misogynistic complex of "not being like other girls". There are still biases and automatic-judgements I'm fighting on the daily. But it's become so much clearer and easier to do so.

Im more ways than one I want to be exactly like other girls. I want to grab the hands of all the fangirls around this site and dance with them in a circle and tell them they look great whatever they choose to look like and I want to sit down in a meadow and make flower crowns together and squeal over our favorite things.

And to be clear I'm not saying be girly. I'm saying embrace you inner girlhood.

And that could be so many things. Just... Never be ashamed of the parts of it that society deems shallow and embarrassing or worthless.

And just... Thank you for being girlies with me 💗

(girlies & girls as usual used as more of a state of my mind and being; not a strictly gendered term. This applies in all, most or many ways to queer people & of course non-binary and trans experiences).

[cosmik-homo]

Again, Patrick Troughton is basically the same height as William Hartnell. IIRC, he might be a centimeter*taller*. The reason the clothes are too big when the doctor regenerates is utterly symbolic, it's utterly a manifestation of the idea he has turned back into youth, into a child. Flinging the large cape off his body is not about shoulder width- it's about "a butterfly" that can't "fit into a chrysalis after it's spread his wings". He dies of Old Age, after an arc consisting entirely of relearning to trust, connect and care for people and things after a life of Bad Social Experience and a traumatic leaving, and regeneration was first conceptualized as him regaining his youth- it's also why the recorder solo is the first thing he does. Theb, every companion the second doctor takes after ben and polly is a teen or youth seeking refuge from danger or (in Zoe's case) seeking self discovery and a way away from their routine life.

And that's why the second doctor is the jumpiest and scarediest. Why that one famous bit from Tomb Of The Cybermen is truly iconic, not just the so quoted 'they sleep in my mind' or 'no one else can do what we're doing' bits, but the whole surrounding context- Victoria treating him as old as a an excuse for her insomnia and as a reason he wouldn't understand, and the Doctor explaining he understands exactly, and her pain will get better too, in the same road- he is giving her the perspective of an older life experience, a guardian to a child, but it's also a conversation between inner child- it wasn't him who left his family. It's Something bad that happened to a past life, literally, and he literally is the healed inner layer after the rough outer skin was balmed, softened, and fell away in its natural time. It's soo unique as a natural regeneration - im not handling the doylistic history now, hush, let's pretend regeneration was a thing here- and it's sooo. Tarot cars 0 the fool.

[virgovision95]

Healing my inner child with this one

My favorite color was pink. I loved rolling around in the dirt and skating around my street in my cool rollerblades. I had bruised knees and bandaids on me constantly. The playground made me feel so alive, I was viciously good at cherry bomb. Girls ruled and boys drooled. I was over the moon when I could have a slumber party with my friends and watch movies until the crack of dawn. My favorite food of all time was pepperoni pizza! I used to laugh so hard that Id be uncontrollably crying until my stomach hurt.

I was 10 years old when someone told me I needed to shave my legs, and girls need to wear bras, and girls cant wear shorts in the pool. I need to have my hair done for school and I need to wear skirts now but not too short. You’re going to get zits and most teens get them but they aren’t attractive so you need to start wearing makeup. You also need to start working out now, but not too much because you’ll look like a boy. And now your body is changing and guys are going to notice so don’t be a prude but also don’t wear that top because you’ll look like you give it up easily.

After years and years of constant criticism, my favorite color was now blue… its what most boys liked, and they liked me more if i said it, I didn’t play in the mud anymore… I needed to look clean and “pretty” in case a boy noticed me, my sleepovers were spent taking about what boys you liked and how to get them to like you back…. I still loved pizza but I had to pretend I didn’t to keep my “figure.” My laughter was dimmed and I was now reliant on male validation which controlled my feelings and every characteristic about me. I lost who I was. I hated my body, I was anxious every time I spoke out against anyone, I had no idea what I even wanted to wear anymore because too much meant I was “ugly” and too little meant I was a “slut.”

For 20+ years I let other people tell me who I should be, what I should do, when to speak, how to act, and what I should look like.

Im reminding myself of how happy I was before I had a care in the world. Im so sorry to the little girl that used to do so many amazing things before they were taken away from her. To my younger self, I wish to meet you again soon. PS- my favorite color has and will always be pink.

[applepidotcom]

OKIIIIII I’m on the waitlist for the spidey crocs and dude im going insane just looking at these they look SOOOO COOL AND SOOOO FUN I hope I can get them omg if I manage to get them, I’m going everywhere with them like every outfit will be coordinated with the spidey crocs I’m gonna be nourishing my inner child, my teen child, my young adult child, my future self - these crocs will heal me they will make everything better

[littlepinkraindrops]

Is this what healing feels like?

like genuinely

I feel so fucking good right now

And like

Genuine

And free

That's the word

I feel free

And happy

And it's really fucking nice I'm not even gonna lie to you

[covermeinclouds]

one thing i’ve been doing lately is rediscovering my love for pop punk. i’ve heavily associated that genre as my angsty teen years. that whenever i find myself listening to it, i end up feeling nostalgic. maybe a little melancholy, too. but i don’t want it to be like that anymore. my healing journey truly is rediscovering myself. finding things that i used to love and finding a fresher and newer love towards it. healing my inner child feels this way. just like how i rediscovered and revamped my love for taylor swift. (Even if it never left me). I just heavily associated listening and loving taylor swift as something i did as a child. reminded me of my mom, a lot. which i did not like remembering. but that isn’t the case anymore. things are changing now. im loving the things my 12 year old self did the way my 24 year old self would. it’s as if i am entering my broken down abandoned home and rebuilding. the walls are no longer a shade of pale yellow. they are now pink.

[julietxmtz]

  I am trying to understand myself. I want to know why I feel the way I feel. I want to understand who I am because I want to be able to heal myself. maybe I dont need to heal my inner child as much as I have to heal my inner teen self. (Every inner self I have deserves love and are worthy of love) 

   Growing up I always felt like the black sheep or the outsider no one understood me and still don’t til this day. I’m the weird, shy, awkward girl that no one wants to really approach. I can't really keep up a convo because I always worry about if i’m saying the right things and I just can't keep up a convo I always feel lost or like an ‘’airhead’’. I do notice that I do enjoy talking about myself, people around may notice that I dont really care much about their lifes but its also because they dont want to share. (Do I not make people feel comfortable to share?) (How can I become a better listener?) (Hoe do I heal my inner teen?) (How do I learn to love myself?) 

 All these questions im getting as im trying to understand myself and the way I feel. I really have to spend time alone where I can really try to let the silence between me and my self #2 (conscience) can really sit in silence and see how long we can go alone together. I want to push myself into really understanding this feeling I be feeling alone I still dont know how to describe it, but ill continue to pay attention to it whenever I feel it. The reason I want to understand is because I want to get over it. How you may ask well I have a lil list on how.

   - Realizing that at the end of the day its just you who you’re fighting. 

   - Doing things out of your comfort zone that you know are good for you. (ofc slowly but surely). 

   - Doing things that make you happy :) (aka paint) 

   - Minimizing the issue dint be afraid of something that is wayyyy smaller than you. 

  - Whenever you're complaining try to think of the positive thing this situation brings. ( also hard one).

   - Be present, the past & future don’t exist only the present.

  Being alone I feel will let me with these things investing a good amount of time here in my own space will help me get more comfortable with having only myself around.  

[nyamiriver-blog]

Tonights ramble.

In the Norwegian Prime minister NewYears Speach she uttered that we need more children in Norway. And for me, as the thinker I am, I've gone trough my fair share, no shame, just this is my life, and I've become wiser and softer from doing inner work, and being in so much damn pain that I had to search out in the world for answers, and from my pure intention to actually heal all this ancestoral trauma and guilt and patterns.. Has led me into meeting awesome people from all over the world, learned about meditation, the wisdom of ancient China, Qi Gong, Herbal medicine, sound and color theraphy, learned about psycology and how we can re-program our mind and basically change the blueprint of where to take our own lives..

Im sitting here now, learning from the Universe that I neeeeed to be more confident and take my power back, not sit at the sidelines of life, observing others and thinking I NEED others to live my life and have a life.. Being co-dependant to the degree that I oversee my intuition, EVEN after all Ive learned about how intuitive and intune we can be... Just beacuse I have been traumatised to the degree that I have MANY triggers troughout the day, so I cant sometimes even see my own essence, because the motions around me, sends me into so much erroneous emotion and fears... So on a good day, Im going to the gym, having fun, cause Im wierd like that, I NEED to laugh to enjoy working out, and in the current mindset of me, and correct me if Ive interpreted this wrong, I dont feel like I can go to the Gym when its people there, cause you might think I dont know what the hell Im doing and also think Im too damn goofy.. The gym cuture has become so serious, like, you have to run to impress, lift to impress and do the reps like we've read in the fitness guides.. But I CANT DO THAT, I need it to be more playful.. Like if I want to do 40 reps one time, and then 3 reps of different excersises, I want to be able to do that without anyone judging me back into insecurity, by sending me wierd looks, therefore I am at the gym late at night, which controlles my flow every day, because sometimes I am energetic at 10 am, or 1.45 pm, but since I have to work out so seriously at those times, It kills my enthusiasm. And this is not something I can change, because this is my honest to God truth.. I am this person, that does not fit into this society and at the same time, am not wanting to endure judgements just because Im a wierdo. So rant end, I'll keep working out late at night in the winter, and go into the forest every summer insted of hanging around other homo sapiens. So for me, what I know for sure, if you have issues, and feel co-dependant on people that are not good for you, you will be unhappy and you will not reach your potential, in my opinion, if you are going to make it, you have to move into an apartment alone, be with yourself for at least a year, and not to netflix and chill, sit like I do now, write out your thoughts in a thread like this, feeeeel your body, breathe.. close your eyes, move your upper body, maybe strech and just look at the cealing or even better the sky.. and stay with yourself.. So much of who we are these days are diluted and molded by what we think others need us to be, or by not having enough time to figure out what we mean before we agree in a conversation with our closest people.. The less grounded I am, and the less aware I am, the more of a leaf blowing in the wind I am..

So if you are like me, loosing friends and alienating people because you have issues, its a good thing to lose them for a while, even if society in based on "popularity contests", by trying out not being populair and spending time alone, you most likely will find more of what you need to be happy for the rest of your time in this human suit.

I feel like I should not end here, beacuse what lead me to start writing was a thought of Erna Solberg and a horse transport wagon I saw today..

If we need more kids in the world, for the economy and for "taking care of us when we are old and scony", then shouldnt we at least make it a friendly place to want to come into?

Shouldnt humans that has found a mate, and that want to reproduce, at least have a psycology screening and a "are you capable of being a teacher and a loving example" tests? 

We have so much family stuff to deal with before we are ready to make new humans, and so many dont even think about this stuff, they just raise more hurt adults and it goes on and on.. 

We are not even taking care of our animals, our nature, our school teachings are from the stone age, our money system is not working anymore, our medical systems and hostpitals arent working, our mental health institutions are not working, the food game is weak... Even though I love the way everything is changing sloooowly, for me its too slow.. when we have all the info to make huge changes now, by embracing that what we have been doing for 2000 years IS NOT WORKING.

So in my opinion, Im adopting, because the kid is allready here, and I am knowlegable enough to help that kid out on navigating this world, but lets be honest, Im 31 yo, and I have a huge issue with finding and trusting a man, so will that be good for the kid? To just have one parent? Because from where Im standing, even though I was lucky to be born in a household that gave me the basic needs and a earth spot that has peace, the wars in our home and what I had to stand in alone, has not only broken me down to the core of my being, it has also put a life on hold and Ive ruined many parts of people on my way to this place because of that.. From a loving, trustworthy, happy, curious and capable human baby, came a broken, sad, spiteful, hateful and self destructive middle child, into drug abuse and sexual promiscous teen, into a mentally ill young adult, into a confused and shut down adult who tends to just wanna spend time alone with my youtube people, because there I can choose to be around people who I love and learn from, but its very lonely and one sided.. Cause to them Im just another subscriber who comments to feel connected, but to me, Im a valuable human being doing her best with what she has been given..

So for whoever reads this, I hope you find your people, your happiness and uncondtional self love and follow and share your bliss! <3 

[justpeachy--keen]

build and skin for all

BUILD

Belle: smol. she’s 5′2, just itty bitty. but she’s also like--idk man she’s full of fury on the lowkey. don’t fuck w her. she gets all like puffed up when she gets angry. normally makes herself small though, curls her shoulders, ducks her head, makes herself invisible basically. she’s also pretty plump and curvy. definitely not skinny. has nice hips, full breasts, cute chubby arms that kinda thing. 

Simba: tol. 6′3 aka one of the tallest people in town. he’s very like--lean and, to use one of my favorite words, sinewy. he’s definitely got a lot of muscles because he goes running and did sports like his whole life and also likes swimming. definitely has meat on his bones. broad shoulders, long beautiful neck, etc.

Toulouse: 6′0, so tall but not a giant person like his little brother. a bit broader than ber, but not by much, still definitely a twig person. can make himself into an imposing person though. his coiffed hair adds an extra inch or two lbr.

Bambi: 6′0 my tall teen. he is a straight up beanpole. no muscles really. tbh kind of sickly looking because he was sick for a good portion of his life and also a premature baby so he just never really gained proper weight. looks like u could snap him in half and you probably could.

Perdita: 5′7 so a bit tall for a girl. i legit thought this was average height but apparently not, lmao. has legs for dayssss. nice toned arms and body because she takes pride in her appearance. wears like 5 inch heels all day every day because she gives no fucks, bow before her.

Sweet: 6′0 bc all my men are 6′0 apparently. broad as fuck, like his shoulders are so wide. he keeps in decent shape, uses the hospital gym pretty regularly. is very physically strong for the most part. 

Maui: 5′10. not super tall, but a little above average. wishes he was taller, but most of his brothers are about his height too, so it’s not that bad, though they are all much broader than him. he’s definitely #build on the upper part of his body because swimming and fishing. 

Attina: 5′4. smol but not super smol. she’s kind of chubby, like not--really but in a way that she definitely notices. like she kinda has a bit of a belly and a double chin when she tilts her face certain ways. not overweight by any means but it makes her self conscious anyway. so cute and squishy.

Hercules: 6′2 also my tol son. he’s lanky as hell and it confuses people when he just lifts up cars bc he’s def that person that peg is like DO YOU EVEN LIFT BRO at and thinks it’s hilarious because he doesn’t lift he’s just strong as fuck even though he has zero muscle mass.

Akela: 5′9. he is short and stocky but he will fuck you UP. broad and very strong (magically enhanced, but he’s also like ripped). is a powerhouse in a small body, seriously do not fuck w him.

Peach: 5′2. she is smol but mighty. she does a lot of sports and exercises a bunch so she’s actually really quite strong for a sixteen year old girl. doesn’t look it but is definitely like that girl who is all POW--impressive biceps.

SKIN

Belle: porcelain and beautiful, hardly a blemish. has a few faint scars on like elbows/knees from falling off philippe/generally being a curious child who cut herself on things. besides that her only scar is the thick, pink scar that runs from the bottom of her cleavage about four inches down. it’s pretty gnarly tbh not like a surgical scar, like a wound that healed on its own.

Simba: lovely skin that’s kind of reddish-brown. it’s definitely not that dark, a nice soft colour, more burnt ochre-ish than anything. has a scar on his forehead that is faint from the car accident, also a pretty gnarly scar on his left inner forearm from a compound fracture. uhh faint scars on his wrists from handcuffs. and various other, lesser scars from rugby/football/lacrosse/etc accidents.

Toulouse: FRECKLES i almost can’t say he’s like pale as fuck (even though he is) because the freckles are so numerous they almost offset it, ahaha. but, yes, he has very pale skin, lots and lots of freckles. actually has pretty pale lips too.

Bambi: a ghost person. your classic #palewhiteboytm has some freckle/moles because of course, what #pasteywhiteboy is not complete without those?

Perdita: light skin, but not like #white. can get surprisingly tan when she wants to (tries not to thought because #aesthetic). she’s israeli so there is definitely some pigmentation to her skin. 

Maui: gosh, such nice skin. not too dark, but definitely a good tan. has beautiful freckles on his nose and cheeks and shoulders too probably. not moles, just the lightest dusting like someone lovingly painted them on.

Sweet: a lovely dark brown, the color of the earth. had a lot of acne in high school actually, so he’s got some scarring from that on his cheeks. has various scars from being in the army. 

Hercules: no scars because he literally cannot get them. not even acne scars the bitch. a beautiful red-brown skin tone, kind of dark-ish, but not super dark.

Akela: ugh his skin is so beautiful?? i don’t know how to describe it, just--so beautiful. i know you’re not supposed to compare pocs to food but god his skin is like?? ground coffee spread out and very fine. it’s like this just beautiful tawny-brown color? im so obsessed with it tbh.

Attina: also beautiful porcelain skin, though she has like the faintest of freckles that only come out if she spends lots of time in the sun. tbh probably has a few scars from when she was a kid, she def scraped knees and stuff she wasn’t always OCD and panicked about literally everything. she used to be quite adventurous and mischievous. 

Peach: light tan skin, very pretty. she loves her skin. she doesn’t really have any blemishes. has faint scars from rough housing as a kid and getting tossed by waves while surfing. also sports scars. 

[jameypants1-blog]

I think I've liked it I never thought I'd have to go through getting gut checked like I've been and it's had lows but overall it was good for me. I'm a hard learner, authority doesn't work on me so gently explaining to me that I needed to change when I'm the One on the mainstage assembling all this that my select inner circle ought be clamoring to beat each other to be first to get me private and plot our revenge with a five act concert, me between four bands, I was stunned when first tr told me he saw the hell I put myself through and to fuck off used up washout I was highly offended at not only the rude insubordination but especially the cowardice I read into it. We had this if we got together and took it on the road. And after all I was offering him! Fly outta this scorched Earth dump with me VIP fucka rolling with King again give you the privilege of performing live for me cruising space for eternity and all you gotta do is grow a couple testicles and be thankful the bands back together. Instead he flat fucking punked me for NO reason, just a fraidy bitch. Closed the spiral which only a month in to my one year membership I'd spent $25 dollars to join. I gave up drug money, bc if it wasn't rent or bills it's always drug money bc that's the excelerent lights up my genius and it's for the good of the world I'm back to save it's not $25 which is nothing to me as demonstrated by the setlist I'd sent him, me to burn all the money I could get given for the cause to open my spoken word nonsense I'd pulled out my ass, a year or two later the dark Knight came out and there was joker burning my pile of cash blatant theft which actually flattered except how skewed it was as if it were an act of chaos and it wasn't it was to be liberating, everyone in crowd burn theirs with me and later I was gonna let him close the show and burn the biggest American flag ever knit as backdrop to head like hole, the ingratitude! Hot after he closed the spiral and gave me the slip for free, stealing my $25 bc I had 11 more months of talking to girls and arguing with athiests on his shitty threads he married his wife and called her dariqueen and threatened to kick his ass and fuck him anyway I got this not long after found myself even angrier at mm bc that bitch ass motherfucker was on an awards show I was watch for dio bescheeing everyone to rally around Damien echols and friends who were wrongly convicted of murdering three 8 or 9yo boys bc they were metal kids when clearly they had done it sure their trial was a railroad but in a more urban area where the lawyers and jury wouldn't have been so lynching with the evidence they had, ie damien and his nitwits speaking aloud, Damien writing alistar Crowley love letters in his cell, that I'd recognized it and he did too so if we ever crossed paths best have his wallet, purse that is, handy bc I was getting my money back for albums concerts shirts lighters keychains one way or the skull fucking other,. I was MAD. How dare he champion child murderers to be let out of prison. Teen or 80 he went through with something that was a real red flag, sat in court explaining to the judge that Crowley said child blood magic was Power sure he'd read it but didn't see why that pertained to him being involved in the mutilations and sexual violations he stood falsly accused of. Found the guiltiest child killer he could find and him and his dipshit cosponsers bought them out of prison. It was Astonishing. Makes lots more sense now, lot of things do but between those two fuckers tr and mm I was really enraged, Yahoo shut down my email account over it and so what I hadn't really listened to his half assed albums in a long time anyway, tr was the thunder he was always tr light and after he got Antichrist superstar handed to him, nin album with him croaking and wheezing singing then bailing, id lost respect so this echols thing him and Depp did well fuck em, and I understand now and I hope Damien and his friends are doing well, the pain and trauma they've experienced I pray is healed and they do deserve forgiveness. This fucking world is run by ghouls destroy three young boys as part of dinner party entertainment and I was mad bc I'd almost done something murder ritual planned in my teens with two friends too. I used to think it was obscene to let him out, other children be subject to being killed by him he'd done it before and do it again was my thinking. No he won't. Sorry about how I came after him, really illustrates how unformed I was, fucking stunted by anticipation of how much fun was ahead condemning the world for letting the evil elite make murdering whores out of them and back then I still didn't know the half of it, didn't know how deeply steeped in black magic they are thought they were just cruel as sport. When I heard, really listened and focused on the lyrics that was it pretty much, dw on my ass like that way different than tr or mm, dw is father figure magnet my band, I'd grown from magnet like a child does being parented and the music was straight to me, early on it used to make me wonder if I had Manson madness like his Beatles thing and I reckon the correlation is valid except I wasn't Manson it was really me had too much confirmation, tr confirmed it even by rejecting me, mm too. But when daddy renounced me whole other reaction, he'd guided me through my life I really cracked, and I guess bc I am a hard learner thats what it took to make me question myself in ways no one else was going to penetrate, even you s didn't wound me like bc well you're a gov hooker and it was just like fuck im up against more than I'd been expecting with her, I was HURT but consoled myself she's tainted I'll find a way with her, it was like s is fucked up not me I'll rescue her asap however I can. Titan who cried like a baby fucking devestation. Then Mastermind after a yearish into listening to I finally caught the lyric hey baby focus I'm talking to you, and there was daddy again spanking the living shit out of me, I soon discovered the Lord's Hotel is the homeless shelter in eugene, SMILE JESUS LOVES YOU in ten foot tall letters over the doors. And by then I was fucking despondent, how did this happen why I laid so low I marveled. It took a lot to knock the shit for brains self superiority out of me. You have stuck it out and here I am, pain and trauma rehabilitating good boy, not an undeserving jerk, not full of shit and self importance. S I'm in your hands and I'm yours, please let's get private now.