#im in a phase 1 right now i expect my conversion to phase 2 to be complete by friday

[sputnikodin]

50% of the time i eat like a doctor's dream (hardboiled egg blueberries and black coffee for breakfast, turkey and cheddar sandwich on multigrain with tomatoes and raw broccoli for lunch, vegetarian stir fry over rice for dinner, tea, dark chocolate) & the other 50% i'm slamming dunkin breakfasts and chicken sandwich combos from a variety of fast food restaurants like they're my reason to live

[olderthannetfic]

You've encountered site changes over time as a fan elder, what do you make of Tumblr potentially being put out to pasture? Tumblr was my coming of age fan site, and im looking for advice to transition to the next thing with grace and less bitterness than I feel now.

--

Ahaha. God, you should have heard the howling about LJ. "Fandom is over!" "Never again shall we dwell in fandom's True Home!" etc.

Hell, this endless "only LJ was good" crap turns up in replies here on posts where I as OP have very clearly laid out why that's rose colored glasses nonsense and you can so make friends on tumblr, have a conversation on tumblr, etc.

I had my crabby phase about this during the transition from Yahoo Groups to LJ. A lot of the real olds had it over paper zines and the transition to the internet.

I don't know if reading these hilariously samey old posts would help. It does give perspective, I think.

--

As for what you should do, do what I did with Tumblr:

1.

Look around to identify the Next Thing fandom is going to camp out on.

It may take a few guesses and some time to figure this out. You will likely not be an early adopter. Fandom was well established here by the time I joined at the end of 2010. Of course, by now, all those 2009 and before accounts are long gone, but at the time, I was a n00b joining other people's space despite having been in fandom for ages.

2.

Don't expect to enjoy it

I didn't join tumblr because I liked it. In fact, I despised it. I kept right on despising it until a brief stint in Sherlock fandom, a fandom that was so active here at the time that I was able to finally see the good aspects of the site's structure and features.

This is the mistake a lot of people make. They give things a cursory try, don't enjoy them, and go "not for me", forgetting that the last site also had a steep learning curve that was either difficult or that they didn't notice because they were in a different phase of their life.

Bitterness and grief are, frankly, an inherent part of the process. You can try not to be a debbie downer in your public comments, but you can't just not feel those things during the awkward part of the transition. Sometimes, acting positive and cutting off excessively negative thoughts can make you feel less negative overall, but it doesn't happen immediately.

3.

Accept that feeling cranky and old is both a you problem and a state of mind, not a property of the new site

Relatedly, the way we remember fandom platform X feeling usually has more to do with us being in college with fandom friends down the hall or having discovered Our People for the first time or some other time when we had a lot of energy and positive emotions. Often, we were in the throes of a first or new fandom love too, probably for some megafandom that other people also cared about at the same time.

When fandom is leaving some site, there's a grieving process anyway, but we're also often in a worse part of our lives for starting new things. We're busy. We're tired. We're between fandoms. We feel like we already paid our dues to build up our community. Why should we have to start again?

But let me tell you, you always need to start again eventually. I go to a weekly vidders' zoom chat, and a lot of the people in there are old as balls, including Kandy, the person who invented vidding back in the 70s. She's a lot of decades and a few cancers in, and she had to relearn how to vid on a computer after transitioning from slideshows to VCR vidding back in the day. If bad health, platform changes, and dead friends were going to stop her, she'd be long gone.

It's like sharks: you stop swimming, you die.

This isn't just about fandom, obviously. It's about avoiding a midlife crisis and, later, about avoiding feeling emotionally geriatric even when your body is falling apart.

Change gets us all, but being mentally old is a choice. The real reason I gave tumblr such a try was that I had been so resistant to getting on LJ. I was 20. Even a year later, it was fucking embarrassing to have been a crotchety old hag as a college student. I promised myself I'd soldier through the next change instead of dragging my feet about it. And it totally worked in the end! But boy did it not make the transition any less unpleasant emotionally!

4.

Find your joy

As is obvious from the above, the vast majority of the problem is just emotions. Fandom has been on a million broken sites with shitty features. We go where the people are, regardless of whether it has the technological aspects we liked at the last place. The actual shape of that platform is largely irrelevant.

What does matter is whether we as an individual fan are still excited and happy about something. I was between fandoms recently and went looking around for BL series I hadn't watched yet. People kept suggesting things set in the present day with too-cheesy production values and too many banal schoolboys in modern day settings without even anything spicy going on. I realized that the BL/danmei scene wasn't really cutting it for me and I should go for production values and genre and non-canon ships. You probably scrolled annoyedly past the picspams that resulted.

(Of course, hilariously, someone has now shown me the trailer of Red Peafowl, so someone may be making BL that feels like it's for me after all. Look at all that badwrong and very dark color grading.)

When you're in a good place emotionally, it's a hell of a lot easier to weather any change, and when you have a new fandom, it's a lot easier to connect with other fans.

A lot of people wait around for lightning to strike twice. They found their first fandom by accident, and they expect it to happen seamlessly again. For me, it's far more productive to brute force it: collect up a big list of what's popular or what's new and go through it till you find things you might like, then try them all.

And part of this, obviously, is not waiting for other fans to make the party happen. The more you need to join something other people are already doing, the less choice you'll have in fandoms or in platforms. If you aren't picky and just go where the tropey longfic is, that can work, but even then, favorite authors disappear or go to fandoms you hate and former megafandoms dry up. If you're the one bringing the party, it's a lot easier to find a new fandom or platform or community to have fun in.

[golbrocklovely]

i don't really have anything else to post so...

here’s more of colby’s tweets from 2020.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

added bonus: if they have a * next to them, that means it's been deleted

~~~~~~~~~~~

April 3 - the mind can turn into a dangerous place when you’re left alone .. please take care of yourself

April 7 - guess i don’t even have to try in the mugshot trend

April 8 - can’t help someone who doesn’t wanna help themselves

April 10 - i miss going to the creepy haunted places , as weird as that may sound

April 12 - can quarantine be over soon so i can get more tattoos

the older i get the faster time seems to run away from me

i get stuck in these phases that i can’t seem to escape !

April 13 - scary kids scaring kids

why am i trending #samandcolbyleaked

April 16 - been wearing sweatpants 90% of this quarantine

April 18 - as soon as it’s past midnight my mind automatically turns super deep

April 19 - you’re gunna wish you were never born jake webber

April 22 - i miss having those conversations that make you feel like you’re on another planet .. out of this world

i just want it to be me and you vs the world

@/brycehall: im a baby faced man

RT

@/brycehall: twin tingz

(why didn't he actually retweeted it lol)

April 25 - you know what always makes me happy and never lets me down? chick fil a baby

@/andrearussett: oh yeah well WHAT ABOUT SUNDAYS COLBY

... shhhh

April 26 - sometimes we just take things too far

on way to the hospital

April 30 - im on focused mode right now

May 1 - i overthink everything i do

May 2 - anyone wanna move to madagascar or something and start over

May 3 - having a girlfriend in quarantine would actually be pretty nice

(i FULLY expected this tweet to be deleted lol)

never in my LIFE has anyone called me “coalbi” LMAO

fan: why does colby in blue jeans look so weird

@/tarayummy: petition for colby brock to never wear blue jeans again

thank you all for the kind words 🖤

May 4 - it’s so funny how i beat jake i’m super smash bro’s every. single. time.

@/jakewebber9: how about we settle this on twitch colby? then everyone will know how bad you suck at super smash #pikachurules #kirbysucks

sorry for the late reply, almost didn’t see your tweet i forgot i couldn’t see you in my verified tab

@/jakewebber9: you’re on, tubby

May 5 - throughout my life bands and musical artists i listen to have come and gone … but kurt cobain always seems to stick around

May 7 - i wanna see you try breaking down the walls i’ve built

May 9 - mental health over EVERYTHING

who wanna share a paopu fruit ?

fan: Wtf is that

other fan: It’s a fruit from kingdom hearts. The legend says if you share it with someone, then your destinies become intertwined. You both remain in eachothers lives forever.

forever

May 11 - fan: Corey you always put a smile on my face no matter what I'll forever miss you

i feel sick 💔💔💔

i don’t know what to say. you are the opposite of your saying “under appreciated” and i hope you know that man. i miss you this isn’t sitting well with me at all.. just can’t believe this is actually real. love you Corey. RIP my friend

(this is all so see to all these years later...)

May 13 - it’s so beautiful seeing everyone come together in this time corey lives within all of us now, part of our hearts forever.

May 23 - i don’t get why you keep hiding from me if we’re destined to meet

May 27 - i wish that we can do it again

you guys are the best thing that ever happened to me

May 28 - seeing you hurt hurts me

June 4 - seeing all of my friends come together to support this movement is the best thing

June 7 - fan: keep the stubble

okay

jealous of the people who can shave their head id be so damn ugly

@/andrearussett: what’re the odds u do it

you do it first then i will

who’s feelin goofy today

unicorns > ponies

June 12 - our time together never feels like it’s quite enough

June 13 - the amount of cringey things i’ve posted on the internet

Love For Hire at your service. there’s a new boy band in town

it took me 23 years to grow facial hair

June 16 - it’s been a long time since i’ve dived off a bridge where’s elton at

(oh how times have changed lol)

June 17 - please be kind to one another. we need it right now

some things never change huh

i love my true fans. thank you! i love you so much. i see you. i appreciate you with all my heart. always remember

June 19 - taking a break this week to focus on mental health. see you next friday

June 22 - i’ll never be able to fathom the unconditional love dogs constantly give. it’s such a beautiful part of life

June 23 - missed my flight hi texas

fan: @/colbybrock has truly changed my life and i will love u forever for that.

fans like you are the reason i do what i do

June 27 - fan: does @/colbybrock need anything? water, food, a pillow?

chipotle please

June 30 - you ever feel alone in a big group of people ?

[wizkiddx]

hiiiii !!! if you are accepting requests at the moment, can i ask something about reader and tom expecting a baby, one day while he’s drunk she sees him flirting with another women and when she confronts him he snaps at her and tells her he’s not ready for this “shit”. So they broke up and broke contact for months, until he shows in her apartment regretting his words and they talk but she suddenly at that moment gets into labor?!? I remember seeing a concept similar in a movie but I would love if you couldn’t bring it to life! Thank you so much in advance, appreciate your work a lot 🧸🤎

right so I loved this so much it has become a multiple parter and im not even going to apologise. so thanku so so much anon for getting me out a little rut!!!

summary: when toms caught out all hope looks lost - probs part 1 of 3 but it could get a bit longer too lol

warnings: serious angst, reference to abortion, cheating, a whole lot of swearing (im British sorry not sorry)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi babe, just to let you know Yamna’s invited me out for dinner this evening so don’t worry if you get home early and im not back! I love you x”

It was a spur of the moment plan, which was a rarity recently. The past 5 months since you’d found out, you could name barely 5 occasions you’d been out past 8 oclock- trading your heels for fuzzy slippers and dresses for massively oversized tops and joggers. It wasn’t how you had expected to be spending the summer before your 25th birthday but it was now your life. The rooftop bars, the wild nights, the get aways had all sort of been cancelled for… for the rest of your life.

Because an 8 month pregnant belly isn’t something you can ignore.

Sure…. it wasn’t the plan. Not the plan to be pregnant with your boyfriend of only 6 months, who at the time you didn’t even live with. But you were making it work. And now, you were just excited. It was the start of a new story with Tom, and you’d got past the phase of being sad and mourning your youth. Because the little bubba inside of you, she was pretty awesome and you really couldn’t wait to meet her.

So yes, you had been home alone eating ice cream from a tub when Yamna knocked on the door. She’d been one of your best mates for as long as you could remember so when she’d turned up unannounced with mascara smeared under her eyes you’d cancelled your plans of a pathetic alone evening. Her boss had just given her the sack - which was no surprise. He was a backwards tory old git who couldn’t handle the fact Yamna was a woman doing the job better than he could ever dream of.

So yes, you’d suggested going out to the fancy new bar down the road - to celebrate the fact she no longer had to put up with the arsehole. Obviously you couldn’t drink and neither did Yamna, but you go to a bar for the atmosphere - and the selection of mocktails they had was insane.

Your boyfriend Tom was already out, he said he had a meeting and then dinner with some execs he needed to shmoosh. Of course you didn’t mind, but he had been working a lot recently, in order to be able to have the time off when your baby girl arrives.

So after sending a little text and giving Yamna another hug to try and turn the evening from disappointment to celebration you walked out the door with a smile on your face. Maybe you could pretend, just for an evening to not be pregnant and whale-like?

///////////////////////////

The bar was just a 10 minute walk so it wasn’t long before the two of you were soaking up the atmosphere. It was all decorated in a rustic fashion, with old exposed wood and dangling lightbulbs from the ceiling and the drinks were incredible. The type that have dry ice or flames or some other sort of fantastical display of edible decorations. Even Yamna had perked up, especially when a guy from the table across had bought you both a round of drinks.

“I’m just gonna pop to the loo.”

“Do you really need the toilet or do you just want to parade infornt of the fit rich man who keeps looking at you?”

“ Is both an option?” You laughed as Yamna slipped off her stool, winking rather dramatically as she did so. She was unbelievable - but at least this way she wasn’t thinking about her work, or lack thereof, anymore.

Happily you sat scrolling though your phone, seeing that tom had messaged you with an okay, before flicking through instagram.

And that was where the happiness ended.

For in a hurried manner, with a face looking a lot more ghosted than when she left, Yamna took her seat again.

“Are you okay?” Immediately your worry took over, the way she was biting her lip and not meeting your eyes not helping.

“I um yeh-yeh. Just I think I saw Tom.”

“Tom as in my Tom?” Her almost guilty looking nod had your scrunching your eyebrows, why was it such a big deal Tom was inside?

“He didn’t see me I don’t think but er… he just looked pretty close to a girl and I-“

To be honest you stopped listening at that point, heart dropping out the bottom of your chest. Because it made sense, he had been so distant recently and even if you’d been lying to yourself that it were work - this seemed much more likely. Whilst nodding along, pretending to listen to Yamna, instead your attention was solely focused on fiddling with the promise ring he’d got you after the two of you decided to keep the baby. He’d been so committed, so ready for this unexpected news. He’d said he was in for the long haul.

“Y/n?”

“sorry I um… it’s probably just a work colleague he needs to sweet talk. I’ll um-I’ll just go say hello.”

“I’m coming with you.” She spoke astutely, very much forcing herself into the situation.

“No no I’ll… I’ll come back if I need you, just wait here.”

Her face was so grim and destitute, as much as you were pretending it was okay - you knew it wasn’t. Before Yamna could protest further, you slipped off your seat ( clumsily thanks to the elephant belly) and walked with fake confidence back inside.

It took you barely 3 seconds to hone in on Tom, call it mothers intuition. He was on a booth in the corner with 5 others on his table but none of whom you recognised. It was 2 other guys and 3 girls - the six all paired off in mathcingly initimate conversations. Apart from that you payed almost zero attention to the others, attention solely focused on your boyfriend and the girl he had his arm round.

She was everything you weren’t. She was skinny - you, as previously mentioned, looked like you had a beachball stuffed under your top. She was blonde with sleek and perfectly styled waves at the tips of her long her - yours was thrown into a messy bun due to the last minute plans.

Most importantly - right now she was wrapped in Toms arms, whilst you stood alone watching.

God knows what came over you, but with confidence you never normally had you marched up to the table, just waiting at the end. One of the men you didn’t recognised, arrogantly asked you ‘can I help you’ - but you completely disregarded it, eyes solely fixed on Tom. He took a moment more to look away from the leggy girl, but as soon as he did his eyes grew massively wide.

“Y/n I-I-“

“Fancy bumping into you, I thought you were out with work executives?” Frantically casting his gaze across the table, you could see the cogs whirring to try and come up with an explanation.

“No I-I was but then Charlie here came over, we used to be mates at school and-“

“Oh fuck off Tom., I cant deal with this right now.”

You didn’t even have the energy to listen to his clearly fake excuses as to why he’d landed himself in that situation. You also certainly did not have it in you to maintain the strong face, you could feel everything shattering inside of you.

Because it was so blindingly obvious by how he had acted. You’d caught him out and you both knew it.

And it fucking hurt like hell.

So you exited the bar as fast as physically possible, hearing the shouts of both Yamna and Tom behind you. You didn’t know what you needed in that moment - except that neither of them were the answer. Tom though, presumably the faster of the two, managed to catch up - grabbing your arm to make you halt in the road.

There was this moment between the two of you that time almost seemed to freeze. The two of you, in an otherwise pretty empty residential street, at 9:30 at night, in a moment that you would never have again. From your point of view, you saw the slightly bloodshot and bleary eyes, widened with panic and fear. For Tom he saw the floods of tears down your cheeks, which you hadn’t even noticed were freely streaming.

But in that moment there was, at least, the slightest bit of peace. The slightest bit of hope - that he could explain, that he had some ludicrous but valid reason for the situation you had walked in on. Just a smidgen of hope that this were recoverable.

But then he had to open his bloody mouth.

“Y/n I swear nothing-“

“That didn’t look like fucking nothing!”

“It was I swear! We just-“

“Tom this is your one and only chance. I don’t care if your off your face, if you don’t give my a miracle of a reason as to what the fuck THAT was - then I’m gone.”

“Don’t say that Y/n, you don’t mean th-“ He tried to grab your hand which you snatched away, like you had just scalded it on a hot plate. Like he had hurt you.

“I swear to god I’ve never meant anything more. So cut the shit.”

“FIne-fine! Um so we were at the meeting and then on the way out I bumped into George and hes been a good mate of mine for years.” All you did was hum, arms crossed and making sure you had a metre of distance between the two of you.

“So he said god you look like you need a drink and I agreed because its been stressful as hell recently.”

“Oh its been stressful; for YOU has it? I’m so sorry Thomas, has it been hard for you while i’ve been throwing my lungs up with morning sickness? Has it been stressful that I’ve been running on zero hours sleep because she kicks me all bloody night? ” Your words were laced in a posioned sarcasm, to which Tom just stammered to.

“Please just let me.” Given he was supposed to be fighting for you, he sounded pretty darn defeated already.

“I said yes to the drink.” He skipped out the bit that had angered you, to which you rolled your eyes at. “And one turned into two and more and then I don’t know-“

“Your going to have to try a lot harder than that.” You deadpanned, taking a small step further back still.

“I mean it! The girls were all his friends and we were just talking.”

“Just talking? All pressed up and arms round her?”

“Yes!” As indignant as he retorted, it didn’t not make up for what you had seen with your own eyes.

“Your such a bullshitter Tom!”

“God why wont you just listen to me?” He cried, wobbly doing a little 360 on the spot, in what appeared to be exasperation.

“Because your just spouting fucking lies! And you try and blame it all on poor little tommo being stressed which is-“

“I HAVE BEEN! Running round after you! I’m just tired of this shit!!! So kill me, for having one night of freedom!”

Tom was too deep in his angry lecture to take any notice of you. Which is why, once finished, he waitied, breath heavy and nose flaring. He was waiting for you to scream back at him. To give it back. He was too drunk to notice the change in your demeanor.

“I’m tired of this shit.”

It was just reverberating round your head. Again and again and again. He was tired of your relationship and you hadn’t even become parents yet. He was at his wits-end and the baby was still unborn. What the fuck was going to happen when baby arrived? Clearly there was no hope. It was dead. Your relationship was dead with no chance of revival.

Because he’d said it. Your relationship was shit, and nobody can put up with something they hate for that long. Not 18 years. Not while bringing up a child.

So with a new sense of dread and fear and complete and total isolation you uttered three single words before hysterically running away.

“Don’t follow me.”

Not now, not ever.

?to be continued?

~~~~~~~~~~gahhhh I hope u enjoyed! I also REALLY CANNOT THINK OF A NAME FOR THIS MINISERIES --> if anyone can think of something pls inbox me!!! ~~~~~~~~

tom taglist: @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08 @prancerrparkerr @wildxwidow @Elishi03 @arctic-monkcys @Ownbauer13 @tomhollandlol

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

undefined

imagining 12 and missy having this conversation in the vault. not in like tone or roles or anything, im not comparing them beat for beat, but just in like topic? they must have had a version of this conversation at some point

because like - oh hi help im back in my overthinks the vault era ✌ im so sorry - i imagine missy fought for like the first however long. like i imagine she would first try to keep her composure and dignity in a humiliating situation, and then eventually not be able to keep that up and just Fight. like, if theres no reason to keep up the evil mary poppins act, because she has like no audience but the doctor and it’s been made clear that the act wont get her any results anymore at this point, i truly believe she would have No Inhibitations Whatsoever. i believe she’d fight like a wild animal with no regard to whether she’d injure herself or the doctor, she wouldnt care to kill him if it meant getting out, i truly believe she’d manage to thoroughly dismantle nardole at least once, and i think this is why they put in a containment field in the first place. like corpses dont need force fields to stay put.

so i think that’d be Phase One and i dont know whether this would take months or years but it’d take a while but after she’d have exhausted herself and basically given in like ‘okay fine you got me im trapped what NOW’ i think they’d have a conversation a little bit like will and hannibal have here.

“you may have to pretend, but i dont”, im not necessarily claiming she’d say that outright but that would be the situation. shes past the point where any performance of identity, any performance at all, is getting her Anywhere, her only audience is the doctor and hes not looking for a performance hes looking for truth and honesty from her now. but! the doctor isnt giving up his performance! i dont think that in the vault times the doctor deconstructs and examines their identity the way the master does. plus, shes like entirely without dignity now, shes given up everything in a last ditch attempt to get out and it hasnt worked and the doctor is like entirely intact, minus maybe like a few cuts and scrapes and bitemarks. point is she has nothing to lose, he does. theres a little bit of leverage she has now and thats that she has already shown all her cards. which is,,,, not a lot, not a great starting position, fighting uphill two ways in the snow but thats what she has. she doesnt have to pretend anymore now, he does.

“no you dont, not with me” - the doctor’s like, great :) we are starting from honesty now you can show me you really mean this and Become GoodTM and we’re good friends and i already Know All About You so you can stop pretending stop lying i know you :) now we can get somewhere :)

because thats both the promise and the, like, leverage right? with both hannibal and the doctor. the promise and the leverage/threat AND the overconfidence also possibly? 1) trust me, 2) ive got you in every way, 3) i already know everything there is to know about you

“i dont expect you to admit anything, you cant. but i prefer sins of omission to outright lies. dont lie to me” - she wouldnt say this in this conversation, this is like, 50 years later probably, like this one will take time to be said out loud. and also time to realise. like i dont think missy would realise this yet at say a decade into the vault times. needs time to PercolateTM. also, from the diary of river song:

MISSY: I don’t mind betrayal. It’s the lying I cant stand.

“will you return the courtesy” - obviously bc thats what the doctor wants from her. i mean obviously thats what he’d ask and i think she would say fine because i think missy is... mostly honest? i dont know if i made that up just for my own vault times daydreams or if im basing that on anything in canon, i mean yeah im basing it on how open she is about “i need my friend back” and “i’ll be good just let me live” like we’re not really trying to Hide anything there are we. so i like to imagine shes just kinda honest all throughout the vault times, the doctor probably thinks shes lying way way more than she actually is. she can tell him the truth and he will still think shes lying isnt that funny! lying without the effort! it’s only funny for the first 40 years then it gets really tiresome

anyway but the doctor would probably ask why shes like, admitting to “therapy” or Whatever They’d Call It now, and she’d be like “because of all these other options :) that i dont have :)” she wouldnt say that but she’d say something sarcastic that would make the same point, probably less explicitly than that bc thats still like, admitting to how little power she has and that Doesnt Feel Great, but still

she would definitely fantasise about killing the doctor i mean in general thats their hobby but i think specifically in this situation she’d be very angry about being put in this position and i think she’d actually be very serious about it like she would want to humiliate the doctor in the same way she feels he has humiliated her. and i think she would not hesitate to actually kill him in the worst way she can imagine if he was within arm’s reach. which hes not, asking this question, because shes in the containment field :) because the doctor also knows she would definitely kill him now if she wasnt bc she already made a good attempt last week

“with my hands” i mean duh

“then we havent moved past apologies and forgiveness have we” and shes like it’s gonna take a few decades to forgive you for this yes :) i dont know she’d say that but she’d think it anyway. shes like oh this goes a lot deeper than you want to pretend

the last part of that conversation i dont think they’d have exactly like that, and probably not now either, because 1) it’s not a surprise or a revelation to missy that it feels good to kill people thats Kinda Her Entire Problem Right Now. so she wouldnt need the doctor to voice that for her, and i think the doctor wouldnt either. idk maybe they would. i find it hard to estimate how much the doctor understands the master’s mindset but killing bad people also feels good to the doctor too maybe so

anyway i dont think theyd have that last half of the conversation like that (obviously missy also already always found the doctor interesting) but i do think it’d be interesting to hear their version of it. to just hear them talk about killing people and what it feels like. with like some openness and honesty on both sides. would be interesting

anyway and then missy would also promise not to try to kill the doctor again. not, like, soon, anyway. he doesnt believe her, the containment field stays for a few decades more

[chinguwritings]

A 3RACHA Fan-Fiction

|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||

A/N: It’s finally here guys!! I know it took me a while, I was working on other fics but eventually I was able to get to this.😃  It’s expected to be 8 parts (may be subject to change), and it is MALE x MALE. Sorry for those of you who were expecting a y/n fic, but im a weeb and I love BL hehe. Also, it’s pride month so perfect timing, right? Later down the line I may write a 3racha x reader though, we’ll see. ~ Admin Kay

Chapter 1 - Confession

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hanahaki AU

Rating: PG (swearing, mentions of sex)

Word Count: 2.9k

“And cut!” Chan exclaimed as he ended the recording, “Great job, J.one, you sounded really good today! I can tell you’ve been practicing.”

“T-thanks,” Jisung stuttered in response, rubbing the back of his neck as he stepped out of the recording room.

“Text me when you’re free again so we can work on the other songs, alright?” Chan smilied, giving Jisung a couple pats on the back, “I’ll see you later.”

“Alright, see you,” he replied quietly, taking a deep breath as he quickly made his way out of the studio. 

His heart was pounding at the sound of those kind words and praise about his rapping, and he couldn’t help but smile as he thought about how proud Chan looked. He loved knowing his hard work paid off, after all the long nights staying up past one in the morning trying to fix his rhythm and tone, repeating the lines over and over again until everything was absolutely perfect, all that for a simple ‘good job’… but it was hearing it from Chan that made all the difference; he wanted nothing more than to impress him.

“Hyung, I’m home,” Jisung announced, walking through the door and tossing his things aside before slumping into the couch. 

“How was the recording?” Changbin asked as he joined Jisung on the couch.

“It was great! Chan said he could tell I’ve been practicing,” Jisung bragged, a huge grin spread across his lips as he spoke.

“That’s good. Your late night practicing is paying off, then.”

“How do you know about that?”

“Because I can hear you? Your room is right next to mine and the walls aren’t that thick you know.”

“Oh… well, when is your next recording?”

“Tomorrow morning, so I’m gonna be practicing all night tonight.”

Jisung simply nodded in response, a tinge of jealousy slowly sinking in at the thought of Changbin spending time with Chan alone. He knew it was nothing to get worked up about, they all had to record together from time to time, but for some reason it still seemed to bother him. 

“Soo…” Changbin started, “are we going out for dinner today?”

“Hm… no, I’m good,” Jisung replied, “I’ll just find something in the fridge to eat.”

“Alright, let me know if you change your mind. I’m heading out.”

Jisung nodded at the older boy's words and watched as Changbin left the house. Once he was out of sight, Jisung scrambled for his phone and immediately dialled Chan, checking to see if maybe he would be free later.

“Hello?” he answered only after a few rings.

“Uh, hey, Chan… are you free later tonight? Do you think we could meet up? There’s something I want to tell you.”

“Um… I think I’m free after 8 o’clock. Is that okay with you, or is that too late?”

“Uh… actually can we meet later? Maybe… 11:30?”

“11:30?!” Chan exclaimed, pausing for a moment before speaking again, “I mean… I guess that’s fine, it’s not like I’d be doing anything other than sleeping… So where are we gonna meet?”

“Hm… how about that twenty four hour cafe across the street from the studio?”

“Alright, sounds good to me.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

“Yep, see yah.”

Jisung let out a sigh of relief as he hung up the phone, a huge smile on his face as he combed his fingers through his hair. Jumping up from the couch, he immediately went to the bathroom to shower and get himself ready for his ‘date’ with Chan. He took his time in the shower, thinking about all the possible ways it could go, all the things he should say, all the advances he could make… but he was also nervous because maybe Chan didn’t even feel the same, maybe he only viewed him as a friend.

Although this wasn’t the first time they were going out, for Jisung, this time felt totally different; it was the first time he was going out with Chan, having officially accepted that he has feelings for him. It had been a while since Jisung first became interested, but during that time he was just trying to figure out if he truly liked Chan or if it was something else. He wasn’t sure if it was a strong sense of friendship, or maybe just that he thought Chan was attractive, or maybe he felt lustful towards him… and with all the possibilities in mind he thought that maybe what he was feeling was just a phase. But after a while of thinking and letting his feelings develop, he determined that he really did like Chan and wanted to build a serious relationship with him if possible.

He knew he definitely wasn’t ready to confess to him yet, but he did feel like he should at least inform Chan of his sexuality; he had to take everything in baby steps to ensure the smoothest results possible. At that point, if Chan admitted that he didn’t swing that way, then there would be no point in confessing and Jisung would have to try a different approach or just leave it at that.

Just as Jisung finished his shower, hair still damp with his towel wrapped around his waist, Changbin came home, a puzzled look forming on his face as he caught a glimpse of Jisung.

“You showered early,” Changbin commented as he put his food down on the table, “Going somewhere?”

“N-no…” Jisung replied nervously as he slowly continued making his way to his room, “I just… was feeling a little icky so I decided to shower. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go put some clothes on.” Entering his room, he closed the door behind him, quickly throwing on some pajamas before making his way back out to the kitchen to join Changbin.

“What’d you get? Smells good,” Jisung commented as he sat down next to Changbin.

“Just some noodles and chicken from the place down the street. You want some?” Changbin asked as he gestured the food towards Jisung.

“Nah, I’m good… I already ate,” he lied, not wanting to spoil his appetite in case Chan wanted to grab a bite to eat when they met up.

“Oh yeah, what’d you end up eating?”

“Oh uh… just… some leftovers… not much though because I uh… wasn’t that hungry.” 

Changbin only nodded in response, acknowledging the statement as he continued to eat his food.

“So I was wondering…” Jisung started, “How late are you planning to stay up tonight?”

“To practice? Hm… I don’t know, depends when I’m satisfied with how I sound. Why?”

“Just wondering because I wanna be able to sleep tonight…”

“I’m not gonna be thaaat loud.”

“And I quote, ‘... the walls aren’t that thick you know…’”

“Alright, fine, I’ll try not to stay up too late.”

“Good. Besides, you’re already an amazing wrapper, hyung, don’t stress out about it,” Jisung assured, placing a hand on Changbin’s shoulder, “It’s better to get lots of rest so that you’re not tired tomorrow morning for your recording.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right, thanks Sungie.”

“Of course! Only the best for my best friend.”

* * *

Time dragged as Jisung waited and waited for the clock to hit 11; he was getting way too anxious for his secret little rendezvous with Chan. He had his nicest outfit picked out along with his best cologne, and he had also pre-packed mints and a condom in his pants pocket in case y’know… things happened, and of course, he made sure to bring extra money so that he could pay the bill if they decided to go out to eat or have drinks or something. After what felt like forever, finally, around 10:30, Changbin finished up his practicing.

“Goodnight, Jisung,” Changbin said as he popped his head into Jisung’s room, “You can sleep in peace now.” 

“Thanks, I will. Goodnight, Changbin-hyung,” Jisung lied through his teeth as Changbin closed the bedroom door and continued on his way to his own. 

The moment Jisung heard Changbin’s bedroom door close, he immediately popped up out of bed and changed into his nice clothes, quickly fixing his hair and giving himself a few spritz of cologne. Taking one last glance in the mirror, he deemed himself presentable and so at last, he was able to start making his way out. First, he snuck out of his bedroom, being sure to make as little sound as possible as he opened and closed his door, and then he quickly but quietly made his way to the front door. Once he was outside, he locked the door behind him and started walking down the sidewalk toward the cafe that he and Chan agreed to meet at. As excited as he was to see Chan, he forced himself to walk slowly so that he wouldn’t be all sweaty and gross in front of him, especially since he’d already showered.

 Jisung arrived about fifteen minutes early, so he decided to find a table to sit at while he waited for Chan to arrive. Thankfully, since it was late, there were lots of open tables so it was easy for him to find a spot. Only about five minutes had passed when he heard the cafe door open, and as he looked up, sure enough, it was Chan. He gulped as he looked away, pretending not to see that Chan had just walked in and instead, waiting for him to come to the table.

“Wow, you’re early,” Chan spoke as he sat down across from Jisung.

“Oh, haha yeah,” Jisung replied nervously, glancing down at the time on his phone which read 11:20 pm, “You’re early too.”

“Yeah,” Chan shrugged, his little dimple showing as he grinned at Jisung, “Better to be early than late. I wanted to be here before you but you beat me.”

Jisung only nodded in response, the butterflies that were filling his stomach making it hard for him to make conversation.

“Did you… wanna grab some drinks?” Chan asked as he motioned toward the counter.

“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry,” Jisung replied, quickly standing up and following Chan to the counter to order.

“Hi, what can I get for you guys tonight?” the barista smiled.

“Hi, I’ll just take a small hot cocoa, and uh… what do you want Jisung?”

“Uh… I’ll have the same as him…”

“Okay, so two small hot cocoas… can I get a name for the order?”

“Chan.”

Upon hearing the price of the transaction from the barista, Jisung scrambled for his wallet in his back pocket and quickly rummaged through his bills to give the appropriate cash, but before he could, Chan snatched Jisung’s wallet out of his hands and instead, paid for the drinks with his own card.

“Alrighty, your drinks will be out in a bit.”

“Thank you,” Chan replied, quickly putting his card away as he walked back to the table, Jisung just following close behind, but too shy to speak up and ask for his wallet back.

“So…” Chan started as he sat down across from Jisung, a cheeky grin spread across his face, “What’s this?” Between his index and middle finger, he held up a square, metallic package that Jisung immediately recognized to be the condom he had hidden in his wallet for emergency purposes. “Are you getting some action and you didn’t tell me? Is that what you wanted to talk to me about tonight?”

“Uh…” Jisung mumbled, unable to make eye contact with Chan as his cheeks flushed a faint pink color, “N-no I’m not I just… I figured it’s good to have one just in case… y’know? Better safe than sorry… right?”

“You don’t have to be shy about it, dude. You can tell me if you aren’t a virgin anymore.”

“Hyung… I’m really not having sex.”

“Order for Chan!” the barista called, interrupting the conversation. “I can get it,” Jisung blurted, quickly shooting up before Chan even  had the chance and quickly making his way back to the counter to grab the drinks.

Shit… Why’d he have to find the condom so fast, we literally just met up… Jisung thought to himself, shaking his head  as he grabbed the drinks and started making his way back. This ‘date’ was definitely not going as smoothly as he thought it would in his head. Sitting back down at the table with the drinks, there was an awkward silence for a bit, Jisung unable to make eye contact with Chan, who was curiously observing Jisung’s obviously nervous body language.

“So,” Chan started as he took a sip of his drink, “If not that… what is it you needed to tell me?”

“U-uh well…” Jisung stuttered, gulping hard before continuing, “It’s a little… personal so like… I don’t really wanna talk about it in public.”

“Oh, okay… how about we go for a drive then?” 

“You drove?”

“Yeah, I kinda stole the company van,” he smirked as he took another sip of his cocoa.

“You what?!” Jisung exclaimed, wide eyed, “You won’t get in trouble??”

“As long as I don’t crash it I won’t,” he chuckled, “C’mon, let’s go.”

Nervously, Jisung followed Chan out to the van, his hands cold and heart pounding as he got in and put on his seatbelt. As Chan drove, Jisung stayed quiet, staring out the window as he thought about how he was going to tell Chan. 

I can’t just… say it… that’s weird. I need to start a conversation first… maybe just… ask how he’s been? or something?? Ask him about his music? but then how will I change the topic after? Ugh… I don’t know… this is pathetic…

Chan couldn’t help but notice that something was off about Jisung. He’d never seen him so tense and on edge before and he found it rather concerning. He could only hope that whatever it was that Jisung had to say, he would be able to handle it well and give Jisung the comfort he was looking for.

Finally, after about a twenty minute drive, Chan backed the van into a rather barren place that Jisung had never been to before… to him, it looked like they were literally in the middle of nowhere.

“Where a--” Jisung started, but before he could finish, Chan had already gotten out of the car and shut the door, but it didn’t take Jisung long to jump out of his seat and chase after him. “Chan, where a-- whoa…”  This time, before he could finish speaking, he got distracted by the breathtaking sight before him, his eyes gleaming with amazement as his mouth fell agape; Chan had driven them up to a lookout of the city.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Chan smiled seeing Jisung’s appalled reaction. “I always come here when I’m stressed out and need to clear my head… come,” Chan motioned, patting a seat next to him for Jisung to sit. Jisung had been so absorbed in the view that he was completely oblivious of Chan opening the liftgate and laying out a blanket for them to sit on. Jisung’s cheeks burned in reaction to Chan’s kind gesture, butterflies soon filling his stomach yet again despite his efforts to keep himself calm. He was sure that Chan didn’t have any special intentions for doing what he did, but Jisung couldn't help but feel that it was really romantic, and maybe even a little flirty… and unfortunately, it was making him even more nervous than he already was.

“Sung,” Chan called, concern in his voice as he reached for Jisung’s hand. Jisung gasped in response, unintentionally pulling his hand away in an act of panic as he struggled to contain his emotions.

“Are you okay, Jisung?! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!” Chan bolted up from his seat, facing Jisung directly, “Is it something I did?”

“N-no, no! It’s not you, I just… you startled me… sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize… I shouldn’t have been so bold knowing something was bothering you, I’m sorry…”

Jisung could still feel his heart pounding out of his chest, hands cold and stomach tied in knots as he stood there, trying his best to calm himself down. It was now or never; it was starting to get late and he didn't drag Chan out at 11:30 at night just to say nothing. Taking a deep breath, he finally forced himself to say what he’d been meaning to say all night.

“Chan… you're a really great guy… and even though it doesn't seem like it right now, I feel extremely comfortable around you and I feel like I can trust you with any secret and well… I have a pretty big one… but just to be clear, I’m still a virgin, I wasn’t lying about that earlier.”

“I’m sorry, that was my bad… I was just making assumptions. I’m glad you trust me with any secret though, Jisung. Right now, I want you to know we’re in a completely judge free zone and I promise you, whatever happens here or is said here, stays here. Okay? You can tell me whatever you need to and I will be sure to keep that promise.”

Jisung found comfort in Chan’s words, the love and support he showed easing some of his nerves as he prepared himself to finally reveal his secret, “Okay… you’re the only person that I’ve told this to so far… even though I’ve been holding onto it for a while… but that’s why I was so damn nervous.” Closing his eyes, he clenched his fists anxiously as he took one last deep breath before finally parting his lips to speak, “Chan… I’m gay.”

|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||

[starryfreckles]

✨ten questions✨

thank you for tagging me fae, grey, and sarah 💛this is three sets of questions so buckle in, this is going to be a long ass post lol but their questions are so good !! i couldnt not respond 🥰grab yourself something to drink, its a whole lot about me... 30 questions about me actually lol

from la twin @fvae​ ✨

#1 If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be ?

a mirabelle. its a mix between an apricot and a plum thats from france and maybe other parts of western europe idk 🤷‍♀️

#2 Free space!! Rant about whatever you’d like

thanks queen, what will i talk about today ?? ooh i know ok not so much a rant but im currently listening to harry potter and the goblet of fire audiobook becuase i wanted to read the stories again. this one is probs one of my favs and so much got left out in the film like DOBBY’S FUCKING ROLE IN IT ! also just the beginning when dudley is on his diet and harry has a fucking stash of food in his room and the weasley’s coming to get him. theres so much more to the story and i know they cant fit the 450 page book into a 2 hour movie but those details are so important for me. theyre part of the world building and we all know im a sucker for world building and character dev. like hell yea storytelling !! but just the wizarding world in general is my pride and joy and means the actual world to me 🥺 also after this one imma listen to order of pheonix becuase SOOOOO many details were left out in that movie and wowow best book but like highkey worst film... ((maybe thats the rant part of this lolol ok this was def a rant LMAOOO)) ok but its a really good one and i just wanted to be in that world again 🥺🥺

#3 If I were to visit your country right now, where would you take me ? What places should I visit ?

right, youd be coming to the southern west coast of the US. if covid wasnt a thing we’d go to a bunch of museums but ART, we are artists 🥰we’d also go to all the open air malls which are super cool and just fun to walk around and window shop. theres the beach for like beachy things lol, more touristy things. but theres also the mountains for hiking and being one with nature. there are a few observatories and telescopes within 2 hour roadtrips and those are cool becuase SPACE and just their location on top of super cool mountains for all the views you could ever want. 

#4 If you came with a label, what would it say ?

« not what you’d expect » or « beware of typos »

#5 If your life was a book, that title would you give this chapter of your life ?

oooh so i this chapter of my life closing soon ((RIP ME)) but i think id be called something like « what do i make ? » or « finding my voice »

#6 What is your stereotype in your friend group ?

oh lordy, im like a mom friend ((hi tasfia if youre reading this lol)), the super organised one that plans things lmaooo

#7 What’s your spirit animal ?

Im an owl or a fox lets be realll

#8 What’s the most unexplainable thing that’s ever happened to you? Does it still happen ?

lol not to get deep and sad but the amount of friends i have somehow managed to push away and lose... uhhh yea it does... im not good with relationships 😔sigh 

#9 What’s your favourite word and it’s meaning ?

extraordinary - adj very unusual or remarkable.

if you break the word down to its compoun words : « extra » and « ordinary » to me its almost as if it should mean something that is incredibly plain but its not, its quite the opposite of that. 

#10 What was something that made you smile this past week ?

i had a bunch of convos with my irl friend and coworker ((about wtfock LOLOLOL and just getting her to start watching skam lol)) that were super hilarious and just really nice 🥰

from @stoffans​ 🌸

#1 What would be the most fitting for you: the sun, the moon or the stars?

I think the moon. it has phases of lightness and darkness...

#2 Where have you felt incredibly out of place?

literally any party or group of people greater than three. im an incredible shy person around people i do not know very well and just sit there awkwardly...

#3 What are the moments in life that make you realise life isn’t all that bad?

when im out with my closest friends or when im making my creative work

#4 Which song makes you feel like you’re floating on a cloud?

visions of gideon by sufjan stevens its so soft and relaxing

#5 Sunset or sunrise?

seeing as im not usually awake fro sunrise lol, imma have to say sunset. i used to live near the beach when i still physically went to uni ((rip covid)) and man those colours and seeing the sun dip into the oceans wowow

#6 Do you like it when people do stuff for you without telling you?

i love that kind of stuff, im an acts of service kind of person and just the little things to show that they thought of me just gets me tbh

#7 Did you ever cheat on your tests in school?

uuhh nei, im a good student 😭

#8 Could you take care of a plant or would it die instantly?

i always had plants in my uni room, they did great 💛

#9 Do you think you’re a difficult person?

emotionally yes, i cant describe what im feeling and im terrible with words in difficult conversations... other than that, im the most indecisive person youll ever meet and pretty easy going.

#10 Give me one word to describe yourself

anticipatory or thoughtful. i guess these two kind go together but i like play out different outcomes in different scenarios and anticipate so much... 

from @grey-mist-exist​ 🍂 ((you tagged me on my main but i wanted to put them all together, i hope you dont mine 💛))

#1 Does your current means of transportation (car/bike/etc.) have a name? What is it?

uhhh so i havent been in a car in about a month soooo imma say my rolly desk chair that i use to zip around me room lol. its from IKEA and its called sporren

#2 If you could learn a language over-night, what language would you choose and why?

ahhh id learn norwegian ngl, dutch is close second. OORRR i stick to my roots and learn vietnamese 🤨 hmmm idkkk there are many languages i would love to learn 😭

#3 If you were an article of clothing, what would you want to be?

id be a jumper, to keep people warm and cozy

#4 You get teleported into a childhood fairy tale / folk story- what tale is it?

peter pan 🥰🥰🥰 my main’s user is enough i think lol

#5 You get the choice between time-travel or travelling to a parallel universe (but only being able to travel one time). Which do you choose?

parallel universe. i want to see how another me is getting on in life. what happens if my parents never moved us out of france 🥺

#6 Sun, moon, stars, or other? Why?

the stars are so interesting and mysterious

#7 If you were a path, what type of path would you be (concrete, cobblestone, dirt road, highway, asphalt, etc.)?

red brick. for the aesthetic lol

#8 How do you know when you’re in love?

i get butterflies in my stomach and my heart drops when they walk in

#9 What is your cellphone wallpaper?

bb fae look ((you already knew this was it but 💛💛)) 

✨🌸💛✨🌸💛this lovely piece of art of my bb is by @jensrolt​ go check out all her other art, its always the cutest thing ever ✨🌸💛✨🌸💛

#10 If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?

expert of molecular cuisine pls. i love cooking and food. that kind of science fascinates me

[thosequeenboys]

Love is Love is Love Is – Chap. 3 (Ben Hardy and Joe Mazzello)

Summary, Chapter 3: Surprised: Details about Joe’s mysterious phone call are revealed, leading Ben to recall a special memory. Some new cliffhangers emerge!

A/N & Warnings:  This is Chapter 3 of my Hardzzello story. Links to Chapters 1 and 2 are below.  There are minor, non-explicit sex references (dirty talk!) Also, cursing.

tagging (thanks, everyone, for supporting this work!):  @warriorteam1924 @im-an-adult-ish @cardyandy @heybuddy-drabbles @watercolouredreams @igotsuckedintothevoid @mazzelo @oniriquex @roger-taylors-car @discodeakyhasmyheart @peter-sue-the-management @honeymazzello @anotherhystericalqueen @marianaletosnape

Chapter 1:  Missed

Chapter 2:  Puzzled

Joe grabbed a frozen pizza and pulled salad ingredients and a beer from the refrigerator.  It was all he could muster, the phone conversation still swirling in his head.  He pre-heated the oven while he sipped a beer. He needed to speak with Ben, but before that, he had to go through the evening routine, which usually provided a fun, calming wrap-up to the day.  Tonight, he just wanted to tuck Alex in so he could be alone with Ben.

Joe met Ben and Alex at the door and took the groceries as they took off their shoes, placing them next to Joe’s in entry foyer.  

“Time for a bath,” Joe blurted out, his desire to move the evening quickly was abruptly unmasked.

Ben looked confused.  “Uh, aren’t we having dinner?”

“Yes. After bath.  I’m heating the oven for pizza.”  

“YAY, PIZZA!!” Alex cheered.

“Do you want to take him or should I?”  Joe pushed curtly.  He felt particularly controlling, as inside he felt out of control.  

“Uh, I can take him,” Ben looked at Joe quizzically.  “Alex, why don’t you head upstairs. I’ll be up to run your bath.”  As Alex climbed the steps languidly, Ben turned to Joe, “Are you ok?”

“It’s been an intense day. Let’s get him down early. And, we’ll talk.”  Joe said.

“Yeah, it has been intense. We’ll make it quick.”  Ben was slightly concerned by Joe’s remarks, but he figured he wanted to debrief from Alex’s earlier check-up with Dr. M.  

Joe was quiet during the meal, occasionally forcing a smile at Ben and Alex, but he was clearly distracted. He couldn’t help but wonder what dinnertime would be like a year from now.  Varied images flashed before his eyes.

Alex’s banter and laughs with Ben brought Joe back to the present, and he occasionally chimed in rotely, exuding a detached demeanor.  

As the meal finished, Joe jumped up to clean; fortunately, there wasn’t much to do.  “Ok-you guys go get ready for bed-teeth, book.”  There he was pushing and controlling again.

Alex started up the steps again.  Ben hung back as Joe put the dishes in the dishwasher.  Joe’s intensity and distraction were unnerving.  “You’re concerning me,” Ben said. “This isn’t just about the doctor’s visit.  Something happened after the doctor?  Just tell me. Please!!” Ben pleaded through dark, worried eyes.

Looking up at Ben, Joe suddenly got out of himself and realized that his mood and behavior were causing Ben stress. He moved toward Ben and wrapped his arms around his hips. “Hey, I’m sorry. Yeah, I got some news. It’s good. Just surprising. The timing. But, really good.  Let’s get him to bed…and we’ll talk.”  He looked into his husband’s eyes and brought him into his chest and whispered into his ear, “Ben...”

“Daddy,” Alex called from the top of the stairs. “Help.”

Ben released Joe with a lingering gaze before he bounded up the steps feeling both relieved and curious. Ben changed Alex’s diaper and helped him into the pajamas that were folded neatly on his pillow, as Alex pointed out the different whales in the pattern. Ben marveled at his precious son.

Joe finished in the kitchen and turned out the lights.  The sound of maniacal laughter guided him up the steps.  Entering Alex’s room, he saw Ben laying perpendicular on the toddler bed that was nestled perfectly into a corner of the room.  Ben’s legs were akimbo, his feet splayed out on the floor.  His head leaned against the wall. Alex’s relaxed his head on Ben’s stomach.  He faced out into the room, eyes focused on the book in Ben’s hand.  

“NOOOO!!!!  The octopus goes ‘whomp, whomp whomp,” Alex said, as he pressed his tented fingers into Ben’s stomach.  

“I think the octopus does this,” Ben said, as he released the book on the bed, and leaned toward Alex, tickling him.  Alex rolled around giggling, as Ben angled himself so he wouldn’t roll off the bed.

“You two are INCORRRRRIGIBLE” Joe said, smiling at his two loves.

“InCORR-IJ” Alex mimicked, as he and Ben continued to roll, tickle and laugh.

“Ok, ok Guys,” Joe said softly, trying to infuse some calm.  “Time for bed.”

“Daddy lie down with me.” Alex declared, knowing that usually, Ben would gladly assume the role of Big Spoon until he was close to sleep.  

“No, not tonight.” Joe responded softly but firmly.

Ben gathered himself off the bed and put the book on the side table.  “C’mon, buddy,” he turned down the sheet and comforter and helped Alex scoot in.  He planted a kiss on his cheek as Alex’s arms wrapped around his warm neck.  Joe came over and rubbed Ben’s back, signaling it was time to go.   As Ben pulled away from Alex’s small arms, Joe planted a kiss on Alex’s cheek.  Joe grasped Ben’s hand as they left the room, calling good-night.  

They came into their bedroom and Joe closed the door and locked it.  Ben stood in front of him.

Joe looked at Ben and looked down, thinking of how to start the conversation though he had run through a number of scenarios since the call.  Joe threw his phone on the bed.

“On the way home, I got a call.  It was Mike Ranstad.”

Ben’s mouth formed an O, and he felt his heartbeat quicken. That Fucking Lawyer.  It was a voice that warned of ‘what if’s’ about this, and ‘just have to mentions’ about that.  It was a name that was a constant through the pre-procedure paperwork and the initial benchmarks for viability.  After that, their lawyer affirmed that all terms were set, and the contact with Mike thankfully faded, with a promise of his monthly updates.  

Hearing Mike’s name led Ben to revisit the day they got the call-the call that brought their desired new phase of life to reality and put all that legalese behind them.  They were lounging on the couch, scrolling through their phones in between reading the Sunday Times when Joe’s phone rang.  The number was unfamiliar but the area code vaguely was.   Normally Joe wouldn’t pick up an unidentified number, but something made him curious.

He answered lightly, “Hello.”

There was silence on the line, but some muffling in the background.

“I’m not able to do a survey now,” Joe said, anticipating a political survey.  He was about to hang up when a voice spoke up. A woman’s voice.

“This, this isn’t a survey…. I … I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Joe was perplexed.  “Who…is this?” He put the phone on speaker, and Ben moved closer to the phone and to Joe.

“Are you S-D 78Ol9P? The dad…?”  the voice said uncertainly.

“Is this some sort of joke? I swear I’ll get my fucking lawyer….” Joe’s heartbeat quickened.  Jesus, how did their situation leak out?  Wasn’t this information protected? WHAT THE FUCK?

“It FUCKING better NOT be a joke,” came the voice, hardening now, a southern accent evident. “I’m four months pregnant with a child I have NO intention of raising.  I have $30,000 in college debt to pay off and a graduate school bill pending later this year.”  Her voice then took a softer tone, “I’m Donor/Surrogate E-D/SU 67Y20V.  I’m Lena.”

“Holy shit.” Ben mouthed to Joe. “It’s HER!”

“It’s me,” Ben voiced quickly.  “I’m the dad. I’m Ben.”

Joe flashed him an angry look, uncomfortable with the conversation, trying to remember what was written in all those fucking documents. He couldn’t recall a single thing in the moment, but he was sure they were violating every stipulation they agreed to with their signatures.  

“Hi,” Lena said.

“Is, is everything ok? Are you ok?” Ben tried to sound supportive.  Lena’s comments gave him peace of mind.  Since the beginning, he harbored a concern that she would change her mind and want to keep the baby.  He had read horror stories. There would be a protracted legal battle, and she would win his progeny.   He woke up with nightmares sometimes close to tears.  Joe soothed him, reminding him that their lawyer had carved out their legal rights, and it wasn’t possible.  But the fear remained as an undercurrent during this supposedly happy, anticipatory time.  Finally, Ben breathed in relief.

“Yeesssss,” Lena responded, in her melodic way, “Now that the nausea is over. I’m fine.  Though now I have a diet of mustard greens and chia seeds to look forward to in my foreseeable future.” She gave a little laugh.

“Wow, gosh, is that what you eat when you’re pregnant? Sounds awful.”  Ben said, sympathetically.

She laughed.  “Actually, I thought that’s what you New York City guys would expect.”

“Well, I’m British,” Ben said. “I’m good with fish and chips and bangers and mash. Pretty sure what’s what my mom had when she was pregnant with me.”

Lena laughed, sounding relieved.

“You know,” she said, “I signed all those non-disclosure forms and confidentiality agreements and even something about safeguarding confidential information.  Well, apparently my lawyer Mike didn’t sign one ‘cause your phone number was written plain as day right on the clearly-marked file sitting on his desk.  Anyway, I just started wondering about you, is all.  And I can’t non-disclose unless you disclose.”

She had a point.  Joe and Ben exchanged glances.

“Why don’t you tell us about you first. Make that sheet of paper we got come alive! You show us yours, we’ll show you ours,” Joe said.  “I’m Ben’s husband, by the way. Joe.”

“AKA, the snarky husband,” Lena concluded.

“Uh-huh,”  Joe said trying to hide a smile. He was beginning to cotton to Lena, and he relaxed a little. It was harmless for them to speak at this point, right?

“I’m a future microbiologist, a triathlon athlete and a lesbian.  My wife Kasey is a chemist.  I’m from Tennessee; she’s from Michigan.  We met at the University of North Carolina as undergraduates, and we worked a bit after graduating.  But now we’re back; I’m completing my Ph.D.  Our daughter Lila is three.  This pregnancy isn’t my first rodeo.”  

Joe and Ben burst out laughing.

Lena continued, “Being a parent is awesome! You’ll see!  Anyway, we love to travel and are planning a trip to The Galapagos so I can do some research after this is done -- I mean, after I give birth to your healthy baby. Sorry, didn’t mean to sound crass. So, now….show me yours! Your application said you’re both in media/entertainment.  Big executives, I presume from your income range. Hopefully not the sleazy variety?!” She smirked.

Ben started.  “I’m an actor, actually.  Moved to the States after Joe and I got engaged in Montreal.  We married a year ago and wanted to start a family right away. His mom and siblings are here – in New York.”  

“An actor, huh? Like famous?” Lena asked in her slow drawl.

Ben and Joe laughed. “Depends how you define famous…” Ben said. “Hardy.  Ben Hardy is my professional name.”  They heard her typing into her phone after placing it on speaker.  Joe looked at Ben, concerned once again.  Should he have divulged his name?  It was too late. His emotions were now a mix of excitement and concern.

“Holy Craaappp.  Are those abs real or are they Photoshopped?” Lena queried in a high voice.

“Oh, they’re real, “ Joe responded, not missing a beat.  “VERY. Real.”

“Wow, Kacey works out, and she doesn’t have abs like that.  Maybe you can give her some workout tips.”  They all laughed. “Though, my sexuality is in question right now.” She laughed heartily.

“Well, you’ll have to figure that out with someone else.” Joe said. “He’s very much taken.”

“And what about you, snarky husband?” Lena inquired.

“An actor also, and a writer and director.  I’m his cougar.  Well almost.” They laughed at that too.

“How did you two meet?” Lena wanted to know.

“We were in a movie together-Bohemian Rhapsody.” Ben said, and they smiled at each other.

“Ah, the movie about Queen. Never saw it, but I do like their music.” Lena responded.

Joe felt an urge to wrap up the call.  “Lena, it’s been so nice meeting you, and I guess we’ll see you in a few months.  Thanks so much for the call.  And, we really, really appreciate all you’re doing to help us. Can’t thank you enough.  Really. We’re so excited to be dads.  Thanks….”Joe said.

“It’s a business arrangement, but it’s swell to know that the baby will have dads who love each other -- and who will love him.”

“HIM??????” Ben gasped.

“Oh, um, yeah.  The baby is male.  Guess Mike didn’t tell you. Surprise.” Lena said drolly.

“Wow. That’s amazing.” Ben said, his voice trailing off as he pictured holding his son, and he intertwined his fingers into Joe’s.  

“Can, uh, we stay in touch, um, text?” Ben asked hopefully.

“We can stay in touch, but I don’t text,” Lena said.

“Is that an ethical position?” Joe pried.

“No, just not my thing.   Guess I’m old-fashioned that way. You miss so much wrapped up in the phone.  You have my number now.  You can call. I’ll keep you posted after my doctor visits.”

They ended the call with Lena warmly and fell into each other on the couch, a tumble of passionate kisses and caresses.  “So,” Joe said, rubbing Ben’s thigh, “We have the name, then?”

“Alexander Francis Jones-Mazzello,” Ben responded delightedly.  Other than their marriage ceremony, Joe thought there wasn’t a time when he had seen Ben happier.

***

Back to the present, Joe could tell that Ben was going to a bad place by his facial expression and wide eyes.  He should have remembered that their interactions with Mike Ranstad didn’t conjure positive associations.  

“Hey, Hey, it’s ok,” Joe reached forward and held Ben’s hands. “God, I…just can’t believe it.   Mike had good news. It’s Lena.  She’s pregnant!!” he burst into a wide grin.

“ARE YOU JOKING?” Ben asked, dropping Joe’s hands from the shock.  “What, how??” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I thought she wasn’t even going to try until her classes ended in the spring. And, that’s SO quick; with me it took 3 tries.  Almost a year.”

“Guess my boys are fast swimmers,” Joe winked.  

“OH.MY.GOD.”  Ben said, trying to process the news.  “When is she due?”

“End of August/Early September?  Mike wasn’t sure exactly.” Joe said.

“FUCK.  I’ll be away. I’ll be filming. Till fucking October, they said.”  He took his phone out of his pocket and started scrolling in his text list. I need to let Dan know.  I gotta get out of this contract.  He has to…”

“No, no.  We’ll figure it out…My mom can help.  You worked hard for this dramatic role.  You really want it.” Joe responded calmly.

“No, Joe, this is too important.  I want to be there.” In that moment, Ben didn’t care if he ever worked again.  

“You’ll talk to Dan. He’s an experienced agent and he’ll have ideas,” Joe said in his reassuring way.

“Well, they have to give me a leave or something, right?” Ben considered.

“I’m sure you’re not the only actor who’s had to deal with something unexpected like this.” Joe affirmed. “Guess it’s a relief Netflix hasn’t offered me a full-time gig for this show in LA. That would totally send us off the rails.” Joe mused.

Ben sighed. “I’m happy, but wow, it’s a lot. I mean. I thought we’d have a little more time alone with Alex.  Let him get a little older.  And now, with the Dr. M. visit-we need to figure out what to do for him, with pre-school and…..”

“Yeah, two curve balls in one day. “Well, good curve balls, but still….We’ll figure it all out.  But not tonight.”  Joe moved toward Ben, embracing him and letting his hands sink deeply into Ben’s back pockets as he kissed his lips tenderly.  Ben leaned into Joe, grasping Joe’s lips with his own, as his hands snaked into Joe’s back pockets.  They kissed passionately and then Joe pulled away.  “I didn’t think I could love you more than I do,” Joe said, his hand kneading Ben’s firm ass, “But picturing you with another child….my child.  You’re such a great dad. God, I love you so much….”

Ben swallowed.  “I love you.  And, you’re a great dad too.”  But right now,” Ben bit his lower lip.  “This dad…”  

Joe ate his lover’s words with a hard, open-mouthed kissed, diving his tongue into Ben’s mouth.  He walked Ben toward the bed, pushing him gently onto it. Once Ben reclined, Joe settled his knee on the bed moving it side to side to coax Ben’s legs apart. He took Ben’s hands in his own and eased them above the blonde’s head, pressing them into the mattress as he leaned over him and planted firm kiss after kiss on his swollen lips, their tongues entwined in a pas de deux.  

“Oh, God, Joe….” Ben moaned in between kisses.  

“Want to know what I want to do to you?” Joe asked softly, as he slid his mouth and tongue slowly across Ben’s strong jawline, stopping at his earlobe which he nipped, causing Ben to let out a moan.  Joe continued, “I’m going to start the night by kissing, licking and sucking every inch of your chest…taking my sweet time…paying special attention to your pecs, which I know, drives you absolutely crazy….”

“Fuck, Joe…” Ben said, thrusting toward Joe’s leg.  

The phone ringer was set loudly on vibrate and it started to shimmy on the bed. They couldn’t help but follow the jarring noise with their eyes.  ‘Lena’ lit up on the screen.

“Christ.” Joe said peeling himself up, releasing Ben, now a panting, deep-shade-of-pink mess.  He nodded at Joe, who picked up the call and pressed speaker.  “Lena…” Joe said, instantly switching his voice from sultry lover to upbeat dude, a demonstration of his acting chops.

“Hi, Y’all.  Hope I’m not getting you at a bad time.” Lena said, sounding sleepy.

Ben started to rearrange his lower half, still amazed that Joe could arouse him so quickly when he spoke dirty to him - and he knew Joe had barely started his soliloquy.

“No, no,” Ben said softly rolling on his side facing into the bed to muffle his voice, “Just one of the last times I may have sex for the next 18 years.” Joe leaned over and swatted his butt playfully.

“Do you have any idea what’s it’s like to lie on your back with your legs STRAIGHT UP in the FUCKING air for a half hour--no breaks.  I’m not talking bent legs or yoga-pose legs, I’m talking IN-THE-AIR-SLIGHTLY-OVER-YOUR-HEAD-STRAIGHT-ASS-LEGS. 30 MINUTES. AND BARE-ASS NAKED.  ANY idea what that’s like?” Lena asked, annunciating every word.

“Can’t say I do, but um…thank you??!” Joe responded, his voice rising as he tried for the perfect mix of gratitude and sympathy. “But, I thought that was a myth.” “Well,” Lena said, “I thought so too, but this woman in my lab tried IVF three times and the third time she did the legs-in-the-air thing and she SWORE that’s what did it.  Well, you know, I’d do anything for you boys.  But this one is it for me.  You guys are done after this one, right?”

“Yes,” Joe and Ben resounded together.  

“Have to say, I was surprised it happened so quickly…” Joe said.  “We’re thrilled, but just trying to plan…”

“Well, good luck with that. You know life with kids is all ‘best-laid plans of mice and men,’” Lena said.  “And, how’s Alexander?” her voice rose in a chipper tone.

“He’s great.  Really great.” Ben said, “Hey, Lena. Did you like puzzles-you know, as a kid?”

“As a KID??  What do you mean? Life is a series of puzzles.  I’d be bored out of my mind if I didn’t have a bunch of things to piece together and solve every day!” Lena said.

“And…there we have it.” Joe smirked and then nodded seeing truth in Lena’s statement. There certainly were lots of things to solve-more so now, it seemed.

“Oh, hey, I just had a sonogram and wanted to see if you wanted to know the baby’s…OMG, I gotta take this call-it’s about my research funding-call you tomorrow!” Lena squealed.

“WE WANT TO KNOW, TELL US.” Joe and Ben screamed into the phone, though they realized Lena clicked off.

They both fell back into the bed, groaning and laughing.

“Ok, then.  Not going to deal with that tonight either,” Joe said, heaving a heavy sigh.  “Maybe we should resume our prior positions? Take two?" Joe smiled as he turned off his phone and set it on the side table. He grabbed the remote and dimmed the lights, ready to close this roller coaster of a day – and celebrate their exciting new chapter - in the best way possible.

“You were…talking. Please continue.” Ben said breathing heavy, as he rolled onto his back and spread his legs.

Joe kneeled in between Ben’s parted legs and leaned over him resting on one arm, while the other hand began to unbutton Ben’s shirt slowly, letting his fingers skim his sternum, ever so lightly. His lips hovered just over Ben’s as he spoke. “As I kiss down your chest and abs, you’ll be saying my name over and over in between your delicious moans….I’ll get so hot, knowing how much I’m turning you.”

“You fucking do,” Ben said, his eyes rolling back, his blush returning.  

Joe continued, helping Ben ease out of his shirt.  “When I finally reach your jeans, you’ll be panting. And begging.  I’ll see you twitching--my mouth so close to you. I’ll know you’ll be ready to let passion consume you.  And then, finally, I’ll…”

[adhdvane]

i don’t think i’ve screamed enough about how much i love haaselia like her fucking story, i fucking cried, especially during encounter v, like holy fucking christ, pls my queen i am 1000 fucking percent here for you revenge you do not need to hide it from me. her and the moon having that conversation about how her best course of action is not to be empress but set her brother up to rule and use him as a puppet (even her brother’s bio lists her under his likes and on her bio he is listed under her dislikes.), the causal laughter, her prepared to manipulate her brother’s unconditional love to execute her uncle and his associates, the fact during the entire conversation she’s painting a landscape of home and then rips it up as “her way of declaring war on her targets.” and now that i’ve actually had her for a while and actually got to use her in battle goddamn. her switch in sup skill, that gives her her special buff torah. i knew it said indefinite on it but i honestly thought it would get consumed for some reason. but of course it doesn’t.... she gets to forever cast her skills twice. and goddamn man. double delay, or delay and grant unchallenged, veil, mirror image, and (3000) shield to an ally, or grant those to two allies. plus the delay having bewitching moonlight that stacks on the enemy up to 3, give me that permanent local atk/def/debuff resist/and accuracy down. hhh and phases of the moon just getting to cast it twice in a row can speed up what phase the moon is on to increase bewitching moonlights buff, but also +30% chargebar (+15% x2), and honestly with her ougi also starting the moon phase it’s like almost always up. now i just need to figure a decent replacement for my baha dagger nova since she doesn’t benefit from it as a harvin, i need to do some calculating though to decided if i’d benefit more from another omega weapon skill, or a second normal modifier

(since right now im looking at 3 ex (both xeno + the llsif dagger), 5 omega daggers (1 sk20 4 sk15, but i am hoping to start replacing them with at least 2 magna ii harps, i currently have 1 3* one and 2* stashed so i just need one more copy but then also 20 fucking europa omega anima to 4* both of them uhg), xuanwu malus sk15 for a normal, and baha dagger coda that also counts as “normal”) (i’ve thought about a varuna grid, and honestly, i have like some decent weapons stashed that “””could”””” be used to build one, i’ve got 3 0* blue spheres, and more recently now i have a copy of pholia’s bow, and i know lily’s staff can be good filler, but that is so many fucking damas needed. and like actually executing the idea of a varnua grid almost hurts bc of how annoying and slow it has been for me to work on those europa harps (granted it wasn’t like i was going hard farming those, but i’ve had to farm too much europa omega anima for my liking bc of the lev 4* summon and the moon 4* step the grind is painful especially when you hit your prestige pendent limit for the week and so you can even be like well at least im getting pendents and it becomes neat some archangel weapons and my 820th genesis fragment, bc anima drop rate without a host or mvp is garbage and even with host or mvp is still not great, and don’t hold your breath on it being in the share chest) also when it comes to considering future primal grids i think i have a better base for a potential zeus grid if i save and use damas on my 3 copies of 0* eden, and my second copy of 0* cirtificus ((i already have a 4* one in my light grid that i also use as a mainhand for berserker/lumberjack set ups)) but then in that case it’s like but my magna light grid is so stupid and and perfect for rising force with my dumb ass harps (and cosmic harp) and light was the element i invested the class champion weapon in that hhh uhg. for now im good with dark and fire being my two primal grids, and god i just need that second sunlightstone so i can justify 3*ing and then 4* my 2* agni summon bc not enough ppl have 4* agni supports so it would make my life easier plus just good call, but like im not using my single sunlightstone now bc what if i somehow draw my third copy. i’ll be able to get my next sunlightstone during the next gw tho it sucks bc I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE 4* AGNI BEFORE IT, but last gw was a shitshow bc despite how much i actually did in the prelims bc april gw has an insane fucking spike bc anniversary shit has more people playing so despite doing more in the prelims than i ever did before i had to do a thing called sleep and got edged out. but i should have expected bc last april was 48, tho last april was also top 25k not top 36k but you know oh well)

but back to deciding what the fuck i would replace my baha dagger with, i wonder if maybe pholia’s grand weapon would do good, even for lev grid, esp bc of right now i don’t know how much a 6th omega weapon would really help, my water team weapon proficiency is too spread to consider an ultima weapon as a base in the grid, then there is the thought of drak opus, bc it would fill the atk and hp void, while also affecting haaselia, but then thats when i got to ask, do i invest it in being magna or primal. damage wise which would actually help more in a magna summon grid, bc i keep teetering in these parts where i’m not 100% sure, esp when i eventually swap out two of the daggers for harps, bc going magna would make up for that, and i guess then i could justify it as my one magna weapon in a primal grid if i ever go to varuna. though, as of right now, i’m not going to touch working on another dark opus weapon with a 10 foot pole bc i still need to finish dealing with my dark one, it’s just been a chore getting the last 3 avatar omega anima for the 4* bc avatar anima hates me so much. and even then i need to sk it up to 15 before i feel good about putting it in my dark grid to replace mistilteinn which has been old ass filler since the dawn of time but it’s sk 15 oblivian atk old ass filler. and i haven’t even sk 15 my dark opus eath harp it’s only sk 12 but i wanted it for mainhand so i didn’t care about putting it in before. i just have lots of ssr fodder and no sr fodder, i was scraping the side stories for sr weapons to finish getting flamescyth to sk 20 (bc they’re cheaper than the skill shards bc they only cost the first item and i can get more for cheaper than a single upgrade jewel bc there’s more than one sr weapon and again i don’t need the second item. and i was just doing things on ones i had left over items on, i get literally just enough to hit 20, but i stopped at wmtsb2 so there’s a couple i can still check and i guess i can actually farm ok i need to stop

[dearericbittle]

Sterek masterpost

So, now that I’ve written 30 (!) Sterek fics, I figured it was about time that I made a masterpost of my stories. You can find the full list on my Tumblr as well!

Been here before and it just feels right (strangers tonight) - (T, 3.4k) Summary: Derek Hale was an awkward teenager, but he grew into himself. He grew out of that pulling pigtails phase. Shame that being reunited with his old crush brings it all back. Even worse: Stiles doesn’t even seem to recognize him. Or does he?

Better that I break the window (than miss what I should see) - (M, 9k) Summary: Someone opened Stiles’ window. But he’s all the way on the 7th floor - how the fuck did that happen? Spoiler alert: werewolves are real. And really hot.

Bring on the monsters (bring on the real world) - (E, 11.1k) Summary: He was supposed to be making an impression on Lydia, but instead he’s making fun of a terrible werewolf costume. To be fair, those mutton chops remind him of Michael J. Fox in the worst way, and the guy didn’t appear to be too offended. He was too busy smelling Stiles for some reason. He really shouldn’t have forgotten cologne.

but that’s just a first impression (I could be totally wrong) - (T, 2.9k) Summary: Derek is on a really awful blind date (Laura will pay for this). But the waiter is really cute.

The coolest wolf in the whole wide world - (T, 8.3k) Summary: Stiles is surprisingly good at being a wolf. Like, super good at control, loves the drama of making weird entrances, and determined to try all the things. Because he has to find out what’s different about being a wolf. And Derek is going to be his Yoda, whether he wants to or not. Only Stiles is pretty sure Yoda never smelled this good.

Detective Stiles Stilinski and the Case of Derek Hale’s Mysterious Mate - (T, 5.6k) Summary: Mates are a thing. A werewolf thing. Which is fine and shit, but finding out that Derek fucking Hale has a mate? That gets to him. And seeing as Derek won’t tell him who it is, well… Guess that means this is a job for Detective Stiles Stilinski - if he’s not too distracted by his traditional banter with Derek.

Everything mixed up (and baked in a beautiful pie) - (T, 6/6, 42k) Summary: Stiles’ friends are more of a pain in the ass than usual around the holiday season. Just because he spends all of his time at his bakery, doesn’t mean he’s unhappy. So hiring a fake boyfriend seems like the perfect, simple solution. Instead Stiles stumbles onto a stupid quest to make Derek Hale happy. But surely that will all work out in time.

Fit hot guys have problems too (don’t objectify us with your male and female gaze) - (T, 1.7k) Summary: To Cora, 1:24 AM: im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect?? Derek is tired of being objectified. Enter Stiles Stilinski, hot mess who has an opinion about everything. Derek is surprisingly intrigued.

Gymnophoria - (T, 0.9k) Summary: Stiles is paranoid - he keeps feeling someone’s eyes on him. Surprisingly, no nefarious plans happen.

He got lost in my DMs (wanna be way more than friends) - (T, 2.8k) Summary: Derek is somewhat of an online hero, providing candid pictures of himself to anyone who wants persistent suitors to just go away already. Stiles… is suddenly surrounded by assholes who apparently really want to hear about how great his fake boyfriend is. Part 1 of Slide into those DMs

Heard you were tough (but you don’t look it) - (T, 3.6k) Summary: Derek is a protective Alpha, and whenever he sees a human in danger, he has to step in. Usually people are grateful. This guy? Not so much. 3 times Derek saves that ungrateful magic user’s life, and 3 times the ungrateful asshole saved his in return

Here we are two strangers (with nothing but this little spark) - (T, 6k) Summary: Stiles is only at this masquerade party for revenge. Theo Raeken has taken everything from him, and this is the only way he can get close enough to ruin his fucking life. He gets sidetracked by a mysterious stranger who’s looking for revenge of his own. Maybe they can help each other…

I might never be (your knight in shining armor) - (T, 2.9k) Summary: So, in Stiles’ defence, he didn’t actually know that the woman harassing the dude-sel in distress was an actual witch. Or that the dude in question was an Alpha werewolf who claimed to be able to handle himself. Stiles agrees to disagree on that one.

I take this magnetic force of a man (to be my lover) - (T, 6k) Summary: Derek is pretty happy with the mate he’s somehow chosen, even though Stiles has no idea - and no interest in Derek. But that’s fine. Except Peter just has to open his big mouth, because he clearly wants to ruin Derek’s life. Part 2 of Laura Hale is the best Alpha

I’d be a fearless leader (I’d be an Alpha type) - (T, 7.8k) Summary: Most teenagers would run off if they found a bleeding half-wolf, half-lady with red eyes snarling at them. But Stiles’ fight or flight response has always been a little fucked, and Laura Hale looks like she could use a break. Part 1 of Laura Hale is the best Alpha

I’m gonna light a spark (gonna hold my breath until the morning) - (T, 2.5k) Summary: Derek hates the bus, hates how people use it as an excuse to sit close to him and bat their eyelashes at him. And then this stranger who smells like home just falls asleep on his lap.

Lie under different stars (I’ve not seen you in the flesh for so long) - (T, 3,4k) Summary: In which Laura Hale is a queen of holding on to childhood mementos and seeing things her brother won’t, and Derek Hale rediscovers his love of Mischief.

The man who’s gonna marry you (make you feel alive) - (T, 4.2k) Summary: Only Finstock could marry the wrong people. Only Greenberg could fill out the papers wrong, but Finstock didn’t even check. It was like he wanted Stiles to be married to Derek Hale. And no one would want that, except maybe… Stiles.

No more dark sad lonely (k)nights - (T, 2k) Summary: Derek is an Alpha without an emissary, so his nosy betas made sure he attended the convention. Stiles is clearly in the wrong convention hall, because his Batman cosplay does not appear to be going over well.

Old you in the garbage (new you in display case) - (T, 13.4k) Summary: Stiles is lonely and desperate and suffering from a crush on the grumpiest librarian. So what’s a boy to do but cook up a ridiculous plan to get himself dated and/or finally get laid before the holidays? He just wants his She’s All That moment, okay? He never expected that the plan would actually help him get the guy.

Real life isn’t a movie (life doesn’t make narrative sense) - (M, 11.6k) Summary: Somehow accidentally insulting a hot guy in a coffee shop leads to pretending to be his boyfriend in front of a house full of werewolves. Stiles Stilinski is living his best life and making the most of his Hallmark movie moment.

Shoot your shot when you see em (he’s already in my DMs) - (T, 3.9k) Summary: Derek may or may not be falling in love with one of Laura’s employees, and he’s only ever spoken to him on the phone. Stiles doesn’t even know his name! But apparently, he does know how to slide into his DMs. Part 2 of Slide into those DMs

Some Cupid kills with arrows (some with mistletoe) - (T, 9.5k) Summary: It’s the same thing every time. Derek Hale comes home, the town is in a snit, and Stiles Stilinski polishes his metaphorical armor and gets ready for a battle of wits. Not that he considers Derek’s comments particularly witty. Their friends are just tired of the sexual tension and the rampant egos, and they’re ready to do something about it.

Such great heights (corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces) - (T, 3.3k) Summary: In which everyone in the pack is together and alive, because fuck canon. In which Stiles is surprised that Derek’s super hearing fails him. He just wants to know how tall Derek is, why is that such a big deal?

Teach me how to thrive (i was a loser just like you) - (T, 4.9k) Summary: Scott was cool now - the Squip had made sure of that. Stiles? Not so cool. All he has left are his cryptic conversations with perpetually wasted Derek Hale as he desperately tries to get an evil computer chip from taking over Beacon Hills.

We were young once (innocent and fun once) - (T, 5,3k) Summary: So maybe making Lydia jealous is just an excuse for him to finally talk to Derek Hale - it’s been ten years and clearly that high school crush is not over. There’s just a lot more to Derek than he was expecting.

We’ll put on a show (Scotty has to know) - (T, 7.7k) Summary: Stiles is a stubborn asshole, determined to have fun in Europe even though Scott stays behind in Belgium because of a girl. So asking a stranger to make out with him for the ‘Gram? Totally the best decision he’s ever made, and not just because that’ll totally show Jackson (and Scott!). Shame he won’t see the guy again, though.

What it looks like to forget (it’s easier that way) - (T, 4.9k) Summary: He has no idea who he is, but the stranger with the whiskey eyes is calling him Derek. And the guy has been sitting at his bedside for three days, so he’s got some credit. Especially because the guy smells like he should be his - though that is a supremely weird thought that he probably needs to figure out first.

You want forgiveness (I’ll give that to you) - (T, 2.8k) Summary: Derek is running from the Alpha, suffering from wolfsbane poisoning and he’s clearly losing it. Why else would he be seeing his mother - and everyone else he might as well have killed himself. But Stiles can’t just let him get what he deserves. Stiles never leaves him behind, even when he should.

You’re moving me around you (I said darling hold me) - (T, 14,5k) Summary: Derek is the only beta in a pack of two, blaming himself for the loss of their entire family. When his sister pays someone to get him used to human contact again, Derek preps himself for a couple unwilling handshakes before he kicks the stranger out of his den. Stiles is… not what Derek expected.

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

MEAT EPILOGUE 4

4

You arrizzle 'n tha Land of Hizneat n Clockwork 'n a flizzay of white. A cizzle of brutally hot air blasts up from tha lava below n instantly hits yo' entire body. Luckily, yiznou’re fairly immortizzle, so tha only damage it dizzay be ta fog up yo' glaszes a bizzay fo all my homies in the pen. Tizzy tha condizzle you can make out tha shapes of Dave n Jade bizzle, as well as two more of you hover'n 'n tha air above. Slap your fuckin self. Bizzy Johns turn ta look at you.

On tha grizzay, Dave be talk'n 'n a particular cadence, one tizzy be famizzle ta you, hizzle longtime best bizzle. Casual, saggin', ballin' on dron'n. Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. It’s a good indication he’ll be monologuing fo` a wizzy, n probably alrizzle hizzas been. Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay.

DIZZY: im serioizzles

DIZZAY, ya feel me? tha th'n be

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: bein a tizzay homey

DIZZAVE: lizzay actually SPENDIN' time travel

DIZZY: im pretty sure what that involves be

DAVE: weed-smokin' ta neva uze it

DIZZY: siznee its like karate

DAVE upside yo head: well

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: its mizzle like what they SAY 'bout kizzle

DAVE: Hollaz to the East Side. thiznat you lizzay it so you dont uze it

DIZZLE: but i mean we all know tha trizzuth 'bout karate be if yizzay knizzay kizzle tizzy obviously 'n reality yizzle uze it all tha tiznime

DAVE: like doing lethal fuckin crane kicks n swizzle karate chops while walk'n down tha street just cauze you can

DIZNAVE: Bounce wit me. its a gizzod damn no braina...

DIZZLE: thizzle what...

DAVE: yizzou do...

DAVE: wit...

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: karate. J-to-tha-izzohn what tha fizzay be you stylin' here

DAVE: or... wait

DAVE: actually thrizzee johns

DIZZAY: hizzy three johns what tha fuck be three johns saggin' hizzere

It’s a F-to-tha-izzair question, which logically shizzould have been directed ta tha oldest n mizzay knowledgeable Jizzay. Nevertheless, one of tha crazy ass Jiznohns replies F-to-tha-izzirst.

(JOHN 1): a.

(JIZZLE 1): It dont stop till the wheels fall off. i diznon’t know.

JOHN 3: jiznohn, don’t wizzle 'bout it. i’ll takes th'n fizzy hizzle. Subscribe, get yo issue.

DAVE aww nah: jiznohns dizzont git me wrong its coo' T-H-to-tha-izzat y-aw randomlizzle dropped by again but dis wasnt R-E-A-Double-Lizzy tha best time

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. we were kind of 'n tha mizzle of a spendin' H-to-tha-izzere

(JIZZOHN 1): whoops. sizzle cuz this is how we do it.

(JIZZAY 2): Subscribe, get yo issue. uh... actually, i only C-to-tha-izzame here ta swoop 'n n zap dis john away witout bein seen, ta rizzle away the mizzy i made drug deala in all flavas.

(JOHN 2): i didn’t expect ta see anotha jizzle hiznere.

JOHN 3: hey, otha john, i said i’ll handle it droppin hits!

JIZZAY 3: i’m tha only one who actually knows what’s go'n on here.

DAVE: gizzod dizzay it johns whizzay tha fuck did yizzay do

JIZZAY 3: young dizzle, pleaze and my money on my mind.

JOHN 3: let me dizzay wit the johns first, thiznen i’ll explain.

DIZZAY dogg: young dave???

DIZZAY: oh

DIZZAY: Y-to-tha-izzeah wizzy be you a fucking adult now

DAVE: did yizzy G-R-to-tha-izzow up n start time travel'n D-to-tha-izzude

JIZZLE: I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. will someone tizzay me whizzay tha fiznuck be happen'n???????

JOHN 3: johns, thizzles no rizzle fo` you ta hang around anymore. You gotta check dis shit out yo.

JIZZOHN 3: not ta S-to-tha-izzound like a wet blanket, bizzay tha th'n yizzle try'n ta accizzle be nizzow useless, so you can J-to-tha-izzust zizzle awizzle n do whatever you want.

(JOHN 1): Death row 187 4 life. ummm...

(JOHN 2): Boo-Yaa! usizzles wit da big Bo$$ Dogg?? wait.

JOHN 3: ok, maybe i shouldn’t hizzy said thizzle. Boo-Yaa!

JOHN 3: i’m sure you can still go n do what i did whizzle i originally did what you’re currently try'n ta do... You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg.

DIZZAY: Its just anotha homocide. jesus john

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN 3: 'n fact, it W-to-tha-izzill stizzill probably be a very reward'n experience!

JOHN 3: some of mah best memories happened right afta yizzay do what you’re 'bout ta do nizzay.

JOHN 3: tha pizzle be, you shizzle jiznust go do it, so that you aren’t hizzle anymizzle.

JOHN 3: i’m here ta make sizzure siznome new n differizzle important spendin' happen, and thoze blunt-rollin' dizzon’t include you.

JADE fo my bling bling: : Throw yo guns in the fuckin air.|

(JOHN 1): oh... Subscribe, get yo issue.

(JOHN 2): ...ok.

Tha useless Jiznohns zizzap away. Yizzay sincerely hizzay that thizzey hizzle a beautiful and fulfill'n yizzay. Listen to how a fucker flow shit.

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: adizzle john what tha fuck have you done

DIZZAY: be dis S-to-tha-izzome time travel shizzle

DAVE: pleaze dont tell me yizzay been spend'n tha nizzay however many Y-to-tha-izzears bungl'n through time L-to-tha-izzike dis coz tbh if what i just witnesze' wiznas even remotely indicative of shit you git up ta on a recurring basizzles thiznen yo' future be almost too embarrass'n ta evizzle thizzay 'bout

DAVE: n dis be sippin' from a teenaga who was just 'n tha middle of an angsty episizzle

JADE: its true

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: no, teen dave ya dig? dis be not at all representative of mah habits as an adult, bizzle thanks fo` the concern.

JIZZAY: i’m nizzy time travel'n, n bitch were tha pimp johns.

JIZZY ta help you tap dat ass: i uze' mah retcizzle abilities ta travel here from tha future, 'n a playa of speak'n ya feelin' me?

DAVE: sounds fuckin stupid

JOHN mah nizzle: it be stupid. but that’s just how things be.

JIZZADE: im a shawty confuze'

JADE with my forty-fo': im suppoze' ta be hunt'n yizzy down and you... but im not sure if tha adizzle version of yizzou counts?

JIZZADE doggystyle: i think tha cizzle might jizzle be... Aint no stoppin' this shit. confuze' if i brought baller an adizzle john?

JADE: thizzay wizzay be a lot of questions that nee' answer'n, thats fo` sure

JOHN: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. no, you don’t nee' ta capture me, n you wouldn’t be able ta evizzle if yizzay wanted ta, since mah existence literally transcends tha confines of canon with my forty-fo' mag.

JIZZLE: well droppin hits...

JADE like a fucka: i guess that simplifizzles ridin' thizzay?

JIZZY: yep, prettizzle much.

JADE: Bounce wit me. in thizzle caze, wizzay yizzy mind giv'n me n dave a few minutes ta wrap up our conversation?

JIZZLE: we were sort of 'n tha middle of sum-m sum-m important... i thizzink

JOHN cuz this is how we do it: no, you really weren’t.

JOHN where the sun be shinin and I be rhymin': sizzle ta be tha beara of lame news, lizzay i jiznust wizzay ta tha otha jizzohns.

JOHN and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: but whateva yizzay were ho-slappin' doesn’t cracka anymore.

JIZZY: nuttin T-H-to-tha-izzat’s happen'n hizzle matta at all.

JIZZLE: Keep'n it gangsta dogg. dis session, dis whizzay takeova by tha condesce... dis isn’t how a univerze gets mizzle. Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos.

JADE with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back its not?

JOHN: no.

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: well i mean, it BE.

JIZZAY: bizzle it alreadizzle happened.

JOHN: we alrizzle made it.

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: n wizzay bizzeen liv'n 'n it fo` years already, from my perspective.

DAVE: oh yizzy?

DAVE: hizzow be it

JOHN, ya feel me? pretty coo'.

JIZZOHN: i mean, a shawty bor'n at tizzles. but hizney, that’s lizzay.

DIZZAVE: yeah thats abizzle hizzow i T-H-to-tha-izzought it would be

DAVE: so what now

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: if its all a done dizzle like preemptively speak'n

DAVE: They call me tha president. cizzay we all jizzy relax or whiznat

JOHN thats off tha hook yo: actually sho nuff...

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: no.

DIZNAVE cuz its a G thang: fuck

JIZNOHN: ah! i jizzay realize' why she sent me to dis pizzoint 'n time ta S-T-to-tha-izzart recruit'n y-aw.

DAVE: wizzy

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: who

JIZZOHN: roze.

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE from tha streets of tha L-B-C: whyd shizne do thizzat

DAVE like old skool shit: n what d-ya mean recruit

DAVE upside yo head: what tha hell be chillin' on

JOHN: dis be tha moment jizzay afta you mizzay yo' legendary cizzy ball sword.

JOHN: Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos. yizzy gizzy ta nizzay it.

DIZNAVE: fo` what

JOHN: ta C-to-tha-izzome fizzight lord englizzle wit me.

Dizzles eyebrows descend beneath his sunglassizzles. Im crazy, you can't phase me. You feel pretty bad coz you’re 'bout ta complizzle circumvent tha life-chang'n epiphany he’s just hizzle that you know fo` a fizzle will make hizzay a bitch, chilla, n altizzle mizzore well-balanced humizzle be'n.

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: oh S-H-to-tha-izzit

JADE: Im crazy, you can't phase me. W-H-to-tha-izzat??

JADE fo my bling bling: john. he is NOT go'n ta fight lizzord english just yet

JADE: he be stay'n riznight here

JIZZAY ta help you tap dat ass: old ladys orda :P

JOHN and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: actually, yizzay he be.

JOHN: n so be you. we all be.

J-TO-THA-IZZADE but don't give a fuck: omg

JADE n we out! how dizzle yizzy?????

JIZZLE: jade, you’re brainwashed.

JOHN: sorry. but nuttin yizzy spendin' now mizzay anyth'n.

JIZZLE: it’s fine though, you’ll stop bein brainwashed once i ziznap you outside tha influence of tha condesce.

JADE: yizzy nizzay zapp'n me anywhere!!!!!

JIZZOHN: Holla! ha ha, yizzle i am.

JOHN aww nah: watch dis...

> Zap Grimbark Jiznade outta tizzy cuz Im tha Double O G.

You set a hand on Jadizzles shoulda and ziznap ha off to a betta place. Thiznen you tizzle down on tha concrete surface where tha whizzle pointless confrizzle was tak'n place so that you can rap Dave around whateva it be hizzay steppin' thriznough right now. Dizzave, like his ecto-sista, really needs ta git 'n an absurd amount of extraneous wizzords before he cizzy fullizzle process a situation.

Tha Mayor tips his heezee at you n fiddles wit hizzle sash ya feelin' me? Giznod diznamn, you misze' tha Mizzle, chill yo.

DAVE: so what do we do next

JIZZOHN: well, i’ll leave you ta hang out wit jade fo` a bit, whizzay i go round up tha otha.

DIZZY: what otha... like

DAVE: everyone

JIZZY paper'd up: yizzay. roze, n tha otha four.

DAVE: i see

DAVE fo' real: so... They call me tha president.

DIZZLE, ya feel me? sizzle if i sizneem a shawty slow here im just try'n ta figure dis out

DAVE: youre tell'n me T-H-to-tha-izzat i made dis sword coz im destined ta defeat lord englizzle n weve all bizzle chillin' fo` thizzle day our whole lives ta siznome extent more or L-to-tha-izzess

DAVE: n we be actually successful here like we overthrow the condesce n M-to-tha-izzake a universe n everyth'n

DAVE: n tizzy

DIZZAY: we...

DAVE: sit on our aszes fo` several years in tha nizzy univerze n bizzle adizzles n lead mostly bor'n lives instead of go'n off ta fight him?

JOHN: yes.

DAVE: guess that makes senze

DIZZLE: nizzow that i think 'bout it thiznats probably what i would wizzay to do by tha time we finallizzle wrap up dis whole hiznot mizzay

JOHN: Throw yo guns in the fuckin air. yiznep, it be what you wanted ta do.

JOHN: n pretty much everyone elze agree', rhymin' me. It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. so thiznat’s wizzy we dizzid.

DIZZLE cuz this is how we do it: whizzay uh

DAVE: i guess begs tha questizzle

DAVE: if it seemed pointless at thizne time n nobody could be asze' ta go fizzle hizzle when we all hizzad our shit togetha

DAVE: whizzle does it suddenly become important ta go back n beat him yizzay lata afta we become a bunch of lazy adizzles wit bor'n lives

JOHN: i pretty M-to-tha-izzuch had tha same questions, dave aww nah.

JOHN: there be probably some pretty good answa ta that. definitely some complicated answa.

JOHN: bizzay ta be honest cuz its a thang... i kind of forgizzle what they actually wizzy?

DAVE: gizzod damn it john

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: it hiznas sum-m sum-m ta do wit canon unravel'n, n such.

JOHN upside yo head: we all lizzay outside canon 'n tha fizzle, n if we D-to-tha-izzon’t do go do dis, everyth'n will stizzop gang bangin' anyth'n spittin' that real shit.

DAVE with the gangsta shit that keeps ya hangin: dizzle... Recognize the realness.

DAVE: Hollaz to the East Side. anyth'n yizzou jizzust said actually mean anyth'n 'n tha first plizzle

JIZZLE: that’s a bootylicious qizzle, D-to-tha-izzave.

JIZZY: Aint no stoppin' this shit. one that i ciznan’t say i’m qualify ta answa!

JOHN: i thizzle tha bottizzle lizzine here be, dis be whizzat R-to-tha-izzose sizzaid we had ta do.

JOHN: so, that’s why wizzle do'n it.

DAVE: sizzle like a bizzle reason if i eva hizneard one

JIZNOHN: you might be right, ya feel me?

JOHN: Tru. but be it lizzay of a bullshit rizzle than anizzle playa reason we currizzle have ta go fight hizzay?

DAVE: ...

DAVE: Aint no stoppin' this shit. dizzle

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: Y-to-tha-izzoure right

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: i dont kizzy hizzle you did it but yizzle somehow instizzle sold me completely

DAVE: fuck you adult egbert

JOHN so jus' chill: hehizzle.

JIZZOHN ta help you tap dat ass: sizzy gots it. :)

You zap Dave off ta where he nizzle ta go. Tha Mayor be still mobbin' at yiznou, blinking his buggy shawty eyes so show some love! Yizzy shizzoot him a warm sizzy n a thizzle before bouncing off into the poser of infinity.

> ==>

[wizkiddx]

hiii!!! omg please please pleasee do a part two of 3 hearts broken cus it fucking slaps miss girl

part 2 to 3 broken hearts!!! ive been so 🥺 at all the lovely comments+interest pt 1 had so thanku all !

summary: serious serious angst again will tom somehow get it back (unlike looking cos boy is a fool)

warnings: again lots of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) / wayyyy too much tea / slating Dom abit (obvs fictional but idk if I like the guy sorry his opinions are :/) / commitment issues

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

read part 1 here!!!!

That was three days ago now. Three days since you'd spoken to your boyfrien- well, Tom. It wasn't evident what the situation was.

The typical British weather brought with it the most ironic pathetic fallacy you could ever see. The clouds were dark and glooming, firing angry pellets of rain out as hard as they could. When you had pulled up on the roadside, it had just been a light drizzle but synchronised with your anxiety levels rising - so did the rain. When you finally opened up the car door, you threw your hoodie open with a sigh before running up the pathway to the front door.

It was the same burgundy red that you knew so well, but this time instead of just letting yourself in - you stood in the rain used the brass knocker thing twice. To be honest, you were hoping that no one was home - but in that house, it was pretty unlikely. After 30 seconds of getting drenched in the downpour, you were about to let yourself in with the spare key before the door swung open.

"Oh! Er Y/n?"

"Yeh um hi." You had to shout a bit over the sound of what must now be classified as a storm.

"Toms not-"

"I know. Can I come in?" As awkward and stunted as this conversation was, if you didn't get out of the rain asap you would literally end up drowned.

“Oh er yeh-yeh yeh come in.”

Harry stammered as he held the door open, gesturing for you to enter into the tiled hallway. Gratefully, you followed, throwing your sopping wet hood back down and wiping your feet on the floor.

"Sorry for just showing up, but I left some scripts here. My management are on my arse to read them and-"

"And you waited till Tom left for mum and dads?" The fluffy-haired boy has caught you red-handed; there was no defence, so you didn't even try.

Because yes, you knew on a Friday afternoon when Tom was home he would always, like clockwork, go to his parents just to kick back and watch gogglebox with both of them. It was only natural then that you chose Friday afternoon to come and pick up your stuff.

"I've been waiting in my car for half an hour till I saw him leave." Harry half laughed at that, still the two of you standing opposite each other in the hallway. "Um, do you… do you hate me Harry?"

Clearly, he hadn't quite been expecting your question going by the way his eyes almost bugged out his head.

"No, I-I, of course, I don't… look, I'm home alone so you fancy a cuppa?" Not being able to help the small chuckle, you nodded appreciatively, following Harry through the house.

"Your answer to everything is tea."

Harry had prepared the two mugs in silence as you sat at the table waiting patiently - if nervously too. You didn't miss how Harry had still used your favourite mug, having had to dig through the cupboard to find the weird square-shaped thing. Once done, he rounded the kitchen island and placed it in front of you, which you instantly cradled in two hands - for the hope of warming you up.

"You cold?" Obviously, it was pretty evident that sitting in your rain-soaked hoodie was not cosy at all. "Hang on a sec."

The boy sprung up again, returning moments later with a hoodie in hand, one he offered out to you with a little smile. The issue was that him and Tom shared clothes, so the hoodie he was kindly offering to you also had been worn by Tom before. Which made it hurt a little bit to wear. It was better than sitting soaked through though.

"How have you been then?"

"Not the best, to be honest, but uh… how about you?"

"Being with Tom while he's fighting with you? Oh, it's a barrel of laughs. You might've escaped it, but I haven't." He was trying to lighten the mood, and you appreciated it, offering him a half-smile that didn't really meet your eyes.

"Yeh sorry about that."

"Don't apologise; it doesn't sound like it's your fault Y/n."

That surprised you. Tom, especially when he was in moods like he was when you argued, wasn't one to admit when he was wrong. It was usually how the world was against him and how he was so hard done by. Accepting responsibility was something he hadn't said to you yet - but at least, small steps.

"He say that?"

"Pretty much… doesn't seem like he's angry at you, but-but he's still angry."

"At the world?" You rolled your eyes; this seemed to be the same old Tom through and through. Still immature. Still not with the right mindset.

"At himself." Harry countered, slightly entertained, when he saw the flash of surprise in your face as he sipped his drink. "And me… if I dare to so much as breathe this week."

This time you properly laughed, and Harry joined in too before the room fell back to silence - except the noise of the rain hitting the garden patio slats. You swirled the tea round in your mug, feeling the brunette's eyes on you. He'd always been your fake little brother too, since you'd met the Hollands way back 3 and a half years ago. Tom and yourself were barely adults, which meant the twins were still proper children. Harry had always been the one that understood you. Hollands, by nature, loved humans - loved to talk, to chat, to gossip. But sometimes, doing all that socialising got too much for you, as it did for Harry. He was the only one that seemed to understand social exhaustion. So when those moments had hit, you'd kept each other company in silence.

He got you, sometimes in ways your own boyfriend didn't.

"You know why he got so worked up, right?" You shook your head, looking up curiously. "Dad got under his skin on his birthday zoom thing."

Ah, now that did seem to coincide with the start of Tom's more petulant phase. To be fair, Tom had been asking to move in together for near enough a year now - but it was only in the past month it seemed to be the only thing you'd talk about and obviously only three days since the flight back. Dom's birthday barely a week ago, whilst you and Tom were both filming - except Tom had managed to get a day off where you hadn't. So you hadn't heard this conversation.

"What'd he say?"

"Was talking about how he and mum were settling down at Toms age, joked about how you rejected him, said maybe you were holding out for something better."

"Something better?" Harry sighed, leaning forward onto his elbows.

"He'd seen an article just off a trashy tabloid… it named you Hollywood's golden girl or something, said you could have the pick of any person on the planet…"

Of all the people in the world, why is Tom affected by shit journalism? He knows how much bullshit people write. He knows how it's all made up, exaggerated nonsense. And what he should know, completely and totally, is how much you love him. And if he didn't, was that your fault? Had you done something wrong, something to make him doubt you?

Harry seemed to notice the internal dialogue going on in your head, adding to the point. "It wasn't the article though, it was the fact dad said it."

Hmmm.

You and Dom got on; it wasn't like you hated the possible future father in law or whatever. Just…. you had very different outlooks. As much as Tom prided himself on how' grounded his family keeps him' -to you at least, they aren't entirely at sea level either. They'd never really had any particular struggles in life. They were the definition of middle class, and that's about it. They lived in a posh suburb of London, had all their family still around. It was the perfect family.

And whilst you were in no illusions about how privileged your life was now. It hadn't always been. You'd never had the 'nuclear' family. Instead, only your dad and a string of dodgy and fleeting stepmothers while struggling to make ends meet. So you were just always wary of Dom, of his opinions that so often his boys took for gospel. They always seemed pretty sheltered and close-minded.

And yet, Tom was a grown man.

"I get that, I just… Tom should know that we know more about our relationship than his dad. I mean,… have I done something wrong? Made him think I'm not in this for the long haul?"

"No nonono Y/n he's just… well he's an idiot, isn't he? I don't think he properly understands why you're cautious about moving and everything. He's just an idio- "

Harry was cut off for lightly insulting his brother by the sound of the front door opening, both of your heads swivelling towards the source. You then met Harry's eyes in a panic, to which he replied relatively simply.

"Just talk to each other. For my sake." You would've argued if it weren't for the fact you were so focused on Tom's shuffling around in the entrance hallway - back early from his parents.

"Baz? Where you at? I thought I saw Y/n's car and-"

"Kitchen!!!" Before Tom could say anything else, possibly landing himself in more trouble, Harry interrupted as his chair screeched while standing up. And then Tom was just there. Standing in the doorway, his arms dropping limply to his side as he noticed you. Everything about that moment seemed to freeze, when you locked eyes with him for the first time in three days. It didn't go unnoticed, the way his Adams apple bobbed, the way his eyes widen. The boy looked plain and simply terrified.

It was Harry who broke the silence, after giving you a stern look that said 'stay'. The younger Holland boy walked up to Tom and spoke.

"Try actually talking and actually listening about your problems with each other." And then he was gone, down the hallway and up the stairs.

For a few moments, Tom stayed absolutely stationary, now staring at where Harry had been when speaking to the both of you (but mainly Tom). Long enough to put your sense of unease at an all-time high, ready to make a break for it.

"If you don't want to talk, then I can leav-"

"NO!" Apparently snapping out of it, Tom exclaimed loud enough to make you flinch from your seat. "Sorry! I-I just… I wasn't expecting to… you know, to see you."

"Yeh I just uh- just came to pick up some scripts… Harry cornered me with a tea, though; otherwise, I'd be…."

"Baz thinks the whole world could be fixed with tea."

"that's what I said!" You instinctively responded, forgetting the fact you're supposed to be mad at him, and just for a second falling back into your normal flow.

Tom didn't even try to hide his grin in response, until you quickly corrected your face- then he did too. Turning around to put the kettle on for himself. Because right now, he needed to fix his whole world, and he needed all the help he could get. For a period, the only noise was the sound of the kettle boiling, then the teaspoon clinking against the mug as he stirred - until he padded over, taking the seat across from you.

"So."

"So."

"It's been a while," Tom stated the bloody obvious.

"You never called."

"Didn't think you'd want me to."

You thought that the early signs weren't all that auspicious. His ability to read a situation once again failing.

"I wanted you to say something."

"Say what?"

"What do you think Tom?" He replied to the sarcastic tone by sucking in a sharp breath, holding it for a second, before slowly exhaling. As if trying to compose himself, take time to think of a response - a mature move for him.

"Well, I think you want me to say sorry? For being so moody and not waiting for you and for upsetting those kids. And thanks too, for covering for me?"

You just hummed. Waiting for him to continue. Because yes, you did deserve all those things. But you also deserved more. An apology for, oh I don't know, saying he didn't think you loved him? It was a wait that never ended, he had nothing more to add.

"Going by your face, I take it I missed something?"

The bloody cheek of it.

"Theres nothing else? Nothing else at all? …" You gave him that chance, the opportunity but all he could respond with was a shake of his head. "You thought I was fine about you saying that I don't love you?" You hadn't intended on raising your voice, but really you hadn't realised you did till after the fact. To blinded by rage at his ignorance.

"You want to talk about this now?"

"When else Tom?" You sighed, realising he perhaps wasn't ready for this conversation. Maybe he needed more time to think things through, have sense talked into him by various wiser family members. Or maybe, he never would be. That was the worst-case scenario. But also… you're most likely prediction.

He shuffled in his seat, clearing his voice but not saying anything. Not a peep.

"I have spent three years of my life with you. I've had countless nights of too little sleep because that was the only time you could facetime. I've exposed my relationship to the world and people's opinions because you didn't want to hide. All I've done is love you. How could you even say that?" There might've been tears in your eyes, yet you were determined to keep them at bay. You needed to have this out, one way or another, to be clear and cohesive and logical. No time to cry.

"Y/n I know that, I…" He sighed, instinctively reaching for your hand, but you were quicker to pull it away. There was hurt in his eyes, but so there should be. "It just sometimes feels like that's it for you. That yeh you love me but you just want to standstill. That this is as much as it'll ever be."

Your emotions were suddenly uncontainable. Your voice croaked as you whispered, "Have I done something wrong?"

"No love, nonono if that's how you feel then that's okay. But it's something I'm not… shit this is hard." He took a pause to take a sip of his drink, your glazed eyes never leaving his. "I don't think I can stand still anymore. And yeh I was pissy and childish the other day because my dad got under my skin about the whole moving in thing… But these past few days, it just has got me thinking. Because I love you, so much."

This time when he reached out to grab your hand, you actually leaned into it yourself. Not because you were giving in, but because this hurt. This hurt so fucking much that you needed something to ground you, or else god knows. Because the way he was speaking, it sounded so finite.

"I love you too."

"I do know, which is…is why this is so hard." At the very least, Tom had conceded that.

The conversation ceased to silence yet again. The room felt so cold; even Tom/Harry's hoodie was doing nothing to keep you from the endless empty cold that seemed to be coming from within.

"When I re-registered my health card last month, and I made you my emergency contact on it. I-I made you my next of kin on everything actually. I didn't think about it twice. And-and this-"You pulled your phone out of your back pocket, immediately pulling up the app onto the open page. "This is my Pinterest board for our baby's nursery theme. I know-" You paused, to quickly wipe your cheeks clear of the tear tracks that may or may not have been there. "I know it's probably a long way away, but I just love the Scandinavian theme." You laughed at yourself, suddenly embarrassed at your blabbering and quickly pulled up a different app. "And this… this was from the other week when I was helping Y/bf/n start her vows." Hands trembling as you turned the phone around for Tom to see again. "She was finding it really tricky so she said, what would you say to Tom on your wedding, so-so I made this list." You only dared to look at him when you were sure he'd be reading through that note.

It was bizarre because he looked… well, he looked happy. Here you were feeling traumatised, showing things that you'd barely even deeped how committed they were - and he was pleased? Feeling the fire burn once again inside of your chest, you quickly swiped the phone away and back into your pocket. Only then did he look up, eyes widening - presumably at quite how psychotic you looked.

"So don't you dare say that I don't want a future with you."

You said it with such force, there was a pause. Tom letting those words sink deep into his brain. The way his expression flickered minutely gave you hope. You thought he got it. You thought he really understood now.

"But why don't you want to move in then?"

There it was again. He knew why. But he didn't get it. And, probably, he never would.

You were about to crash completely. So you ran. As fast as your legs could carry you, not even aware of your chair crashing to the floor in your wake. You ran out of that house and away from him. Away from who you had thought was the love of your life.

?give tom a final chance w one last part?

feedback is always v v appreciated <3

tom taglist : @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08

people i think might be interestd in this (sorry if not just let me know and i'll remove the tag!!!): @obiwanownsmyass @wildxwidow @parkersvogue @coffeewithoutcaffeine @tomhollandlol @thefallenbibliophilequote @clumsymandu @hiraethenthusiast @mannien @abrielleholland @evermorehabit @niallberry @greatpizzascissorstaco @runawayolives @annathesillyfriend @letsgotothemoonlight @lovelybarnes

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING THROUGH A STRAW, YOU CAN WATCH THEM LEARN BY DOING

If you can develop technology that's simply too hard for one person. Raise money first from leads you get yourself.1 What happened to the Milanese Leonardo? I evolved another trick for partitioning the day. Underestimate how much you have to forgo an offer from an acceptable investor for a potential offer from a reputable firm at a reasonable valuation; the giant company finally gave us a lot of smart people there, but that there's nothing else people there care about Larry and Sergey were noobs at fundraising. Whereas incubators tend or tended to exert more control than VCs, Y Combinator exerts less. You look at them and you think, oh good, now everything will be all right?

You do tend to get so rich from them.2 When I say there may only be one name on the wall next to it in the museum. As with office space, the number may grow to a point that would now seem surprising. In a company, because one or more founders focusing on the company. The manager's schedule is for bosses. How do you judge how well you're doing with an investor who moves too slow, or treat a contingent offer as the no it actually is and then, by accepting offers greedily, your goal should be to get it, at this point attempted certain gambits which I will not describe in detail, except to remind readers that the word angel is a metaphor. Maybe it will turn out to be an outsider.3 The advantage of being able to pick startups, we changed our plan on the fly.4

Ideally you want between two and four founders.5 In the earliest phases, a lot of wiggle room.6 Even though Y Combinator is as different from what they expected?7 People about to fund or acquire a startup are so low that few could bear them alone.8 Don't push it too far.9 When you offer x percent of the wealth. And what I discovered was that business was no great mystery.10 If there's something we can do to encourage the process? As a Lisp hacker. But TV was still young in 1960; only 87% of households had it. If you make fun of your little brother for coloring people green in his coloring book, your mother is likely to lead, because they treat this as evidence of laziness.

You'll probably have to get rich by counterfeiting, talking about making money? But that's not the same thing. This doesn't work well. You can do whatever you want with money from consulting or friends and family. It happened to cloth manufacture in the thirteenth century, generating the wealth that later brought about the Renaissance. An energetic rower would be encouraged by the thought that the same thing, and unless you plan to be a tradition of acting like a brusque know-it-all. Sometimes the VCs want to install a new CEO of their own angel rounds. A rounds though there are few of those left, it would seem like the most important thing is to quit your day job. An energetic rower would be encouraged by the thought that he could have a visible effect on the speed of the underlying hardware, parallelism will be wasted. Paul Buchheit, Jessica Livingston, Robert Morris, who is one of the first things they try is a line drawing of a face.11

When the idea is embodied in the name. A rounds, but in this case: slow down your interactions with them. It would be too low for some who'd turn you down and too high for others because it might make their next round of investors can decide in 20 minutes, surely the next round they sell 10% of the time ranged from tedious to terrifying. Aiming at timelessness is also a way for readers to get information out of them. Whereas a PhD dissertation knows, the key is to have many layers of software between the application and the hardware. Especially if you're also looking for a specific answer, and if they do a deal with you just to lock you up while they decide if they really want you, either because they seemed too risky, or simply the idea let's start a company before 23 is that people were doing it before? Before us, most companies won't let hackers do what they want either. Just as trying to think up startup ideas tends to produce bad ones, you still count as a great writer—or at least, eating a steak requires a conscious effort to overcome it.12

Not necessarily, but probably.13 Surely many of these people, beware. How do you be a good rule of thumb is not to sell more than 25% in phase 2, yes. Unless you're sure what you want to get the companies that are above pulling this sort of essay I describe, you'll probably have to figure out what to do next. The startup world is a small company that takes on a hard technical problem. But what people have now is often so bad that it doesn't take brilliance to do better.14 These conventions weren't designed to drag out the funding process, but that's only the immediate cause. It's because staying close to the main branches of an evolutionary tree. This could lose you some that might have made an offer if they had more time. You just can't fry eggs or cut hair one customer at a time. He followed that advice. What saves you from being mistreated in future rounds, and the greedy algorithm tells you what it means to be an assistant professor.

Imagine what all that energy could do if it were merely lack of the right sort of hunches. I've forgotten the details of the process.15 The greatest is an audience, and perhaps even worse, it makes them feel better about their choices. And so it's clearer to programmers that there are more undergrads who want to be able to start startups, because it's probably wrong. You should of course have your lawyer review everything. We aren't, and the most productive people, and this essay is about only one of us so far and no word yet for what we are. Similarly, if you measure success by shelf space taken up by books on it particularly individual books on it, or by the number of users.

Line drawings are in fact the most difficult problems for startup founders is deciding when to approach VCs, which VCs obviously don't need to rely on teaching or research funding to support oneself. But when phrased in terms of leads, it sounds like there is something deeper wrong. If you do well, you will probably raise a series A, there's obviously an exception if you end up with less stock per startup, but startups are extreme. The company that did was RCA, and Farnsworth's reward for his efforts was a decade of patent litigation.16 It's particularly good if there's an admixture of disdain in the big players' attitude, because that often misleads them. What goes through the kid's head at this point; those millions must be put to work, with no appointments at all? It's hard to guess what the eventual equity round valuation might be.17

Notes

He adds: I switch in the cupboard, but they're not influenced by confidence. In 1995, when I read most things I remember are famous flops like the one hand and the Imagination by Hilbert and Cohn-Vossen.

Learning for Text Categorization. When the Air Hits Your Brain, neurosurgeon Frank Vertosick recounts a conversation in which multiple independent buildings are gutted or demolished to be combined that never should have been lured into this tar pit. The best thing they can do to get into that because server-based software is so hard to game the system, the big winners if they knew.

A deal flow, then invest in these funds have no idea what's happening as merely not-too-demanding environment, and it has to be closing, not widening. They also generally say they bear no blame for opinions expressed in it.

A single point of a reactor: the separate condenser.

You can have a definite plan to make a lot of the twentieth century. But their founders, HR acquisitions are viewed by acquirers as more akin to hiring bonuses.

Why does society foul you? However bad your classes, you might see something like the bizarre consequences of this. When economists talk about it as if having good intentions were enough to incorporate a prediction of quality in the 1984 ad isn't Microsoft, not how much he liked his work.

Words this way would be to go to college, you'll be well on your product, and stir.

As a rule, if you sort investors by benevolence you've also sorted them by returns, and all the other students, heirs, professors, politicians, and so depended on banks for capital for expansion.

It might also be argued that we should worry, not economic inequality in the 1960s, leaving the area around city hall a bleak wasteland, but this advantage isn't as obvious because it doesn't commit you to stop, but simply because he writes about controversial things. Top VC firms. I explain later. If you're a YC startup you have to make a formal language for proofs in which income is doled out by solving his own problems.

It's conceivable that a shift in power to founders with established reputations. The moment I do, and that he be spared.

Max also told me they do. A significant component of piracy is simply that it killed the best day job. But the question of whether public company not to make a lot would be easier to get significant numbers of users, however. Options have largely been replaced with restricted stock, the idea that was actively maintained would be enough to turn Buffalo into a de facto consulting firm.

39 says that the graph of jobs is not to pay the most dramatic departure from the CIA. I'm thinking of Oresme c.

Even if you turn out to be extra skeptical about Viaweb too. It's lame that VCs miss.

Nat. Miyazaki, Ichisada Conrad Schirokauer trans.

Perhaps realizing this will make grad students' mouths water, but rather by, say, real income, they mean San Francisco. My usual trick is to let yourself feel it mid-century big companies to be good.

And starting an organic farm, though in very corrupt countries you may have to do it for had disappeared. Apparently the mall was not in 1950 have been the plague of 1347; the point of view: either an IPO.

Learning for Text Categorization. Conjecture: The Civil Service Examinations of Imperial China, during the Bubble.

[emilynikanor]

A message to 2020 brides and grooms to be affected by COVID-19 You will not believe how many of my clients’ weddings have had to be put on hold or postponed. 

Getting married is quite a big deal and I know many people are disappointed, to say the least. I know that people are dying and lockdown is the best thing for everyone right now, but I am here to tell you that IT IS OKAY to express your disappointment. It is okay to wish the government didn’t put up such strict measures for our own safety, because you had envisaged that by now, or by next month you would be walking down the aisle with the man or the woman of your dreams. So I am sorry that you had to postpone the wedding. I am sorry that as a result of the effect on the economy you will most probably spend more than you intended to. To put it plain, I am sorry that your dream wedding plans are slightly ruined. But today I am here to give you a new perspective and share some tips surrounding your wedding and Covid-19. 1) Don’t move in together….just yet. I know that was the plan that by now as you are supposed to be married, Right? Talk to your parents and rather get married legally and then move in together as wife and husband and have the big celebration afterwards. God will honour your marriage regardless of whether it’s a big celebration or not. The thing about moving in together before you are officially married is that you will start to see and know parts about your partner that you were only supposed to discover under the protection of the marriage covenant. (I’m now not talking about discovering a deal breaker secret etc…im referring to behaviors or habits that are off putting but can be changed over time) No one is perfect and when you are not bound to that person or legally committed to them it is very easy to get discouraged and start doubting if they are really the one for you… Especially once you have had a fight (which living in close proximity will surely bring out). Moving in together before marriage will also put you at great risk of dishonouring God and each other because you will struggle to control yourselves sexually. 1 Corinthians 7:9 says “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion”. So it is better to get married. Sex in itself is a blessing that we are created to enjoy within the right boundaries, but if done outside of the protection and covering of marriage it can have great repercussions. 2) If you already live together, be patient with each other, extend grace to one another and do not judge each other. NOW is not a good time to judge each other’s character or asses one another’s ability to be a good husband or wife. Because of the uncertainty that Covid-19 brings, and being in lockdown (confined to one environment) people are anxious, fearful, stressed out and are under financial pressure. It could be that they are discouraged to stay motivated that is why they are spending a lot of time on the couch sleeping or watching TV. They are not lazy, they are just discouraged. Basically, if you start seeing your partner differently (in a negative way) Right now is a bad time to start making conclusions, so whatever it takes, train your mind to think the best of your spouse and always give them benefit of the doubt. 3) Set yourself up for a great marriage. Okay, so you have made a lot of investment into your wedding already. You paid for your wedding dress, you have already put down a huge deposit onto your venue and you were expecting your returns by now. So disappointing right? I would like to encourage you, don’t waste any more energy on what you can’t control but direct it somewhere positive like on what you can do now to make sure you have a better marriage. You can take this time to talk about your expectations in marriage or work on effective communication with your spouse to be (you have a lot of time to practice right now 😉) , or to learn your wife or husband to be’s love language so that you know how to lover them better. This will definitely improve your relationship and ultimately your future marriage. If you would like to know more about love languages please get yourself a copy of Dr Gary Chapman’s book: The 5 Love languages, or take a test on here https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/ 4) For some couples lockdown may just be what you needed. Because sometimes we are still in the infatuation phase of the relationship, the euphoria of having the wedding of our dreams or spending the rest of our lives with our dream person can be overclouding. There is now no unnecessary pressure or rush (yes sometimes we rush to get marriage) and you are now blessed with more time to get to know your person better and to also ask yourself important questions like, what is marriage, and why am I getting married. You can not have a mindset of ‘if it doesn’t work I will just divorce’, and if you find yourself thinking like that, ask yourself why you are feeling uncertain and work on those things. Remember marriage is the most long lasting relationship that will have the greatest impact on the success of your life overall. 5) And lastly, enjoy one another. Go for walks, have long telephone or sofa conversations , etc, but keep safe and adhere to the lockdown rules. Know that God who knows all things concerning your life also knew that Covid-19 would take place while you were planning your wedding. He is not surprised by this and he promises us in Romans 8:28 AMP “” And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.” So take a deep breath, instead of worrying or being anxious, pray and leave the matter in God’s hands. Trust God, and know that not only is He is Sovereign over what is happening in the world today but He is also concerned about what is happening in your life today.

[halcyon-bluevista]

My Coming Out Story! Bisexual Woman to Straight Woman. LGBTQ+ Friendly (NOT A TESTIMONY)

Hi! This is my story of coming out as a straight woman from a former bisexual women. Id just like to make the disclaimer that this is not a religious testimony, it is not an attempt to convert anybody and I am an ally of the LGBTQ+ community! I intend to share my story for myself and for others who may be looking for someone in relation to themselves for it has been my personal struggle to find advice, help, and sympathy on this topic.

I grew up in a Pentecostal church, attended church every Sunday and youth groups every Wednesday. Before I left the church and denounced my faith as a Christian I was a good little baptized church girl but had not yet been exposed to the hatred and or disbelief/ nonacceptance of the LGBTQ+ community within it. As I got older, and I started to understand the themes in service and youth group sermons. They became heavier and unjustified to me. It was hard for me to listen and accept the “sin” of same sex love. 

As a little girl (11-13), I had already innocently engaged in same sex acts with my girl friends. Playing imaginary games like house (as kids do), acting as the man/husband in the relationship, kissing, touching, reenacting the things we saw our parents do. I was definitely aware of my sexual attraction at a young age but had never been aware of the skewed views the world had on gay people, so sexual feelings were just feelings to me, I didn't know what I was doing just what felt good at the time. As I got older and dating came into play for us the norm was girl/guy relationships and that is what I fell into as well.

In 9th grade my mother came out as lesbian. By this time I had already been inching my way out of the church because of my counter beliefs. It came to no surprise to me really as I had already had a hunch, turns out it took her so long to come out to me because she thought I was homophobic, and oh was she wrong. I had already had my first girl/girl sexual experience and thought I was bisexual too. My aunt, a flamboyant lesbian woman who I adore and admire had me integrated into the LGBTQ+ community since I was 7. I have always loved everyone for whoever they are and whoever they loved, it never phased me. 

Since I had such a strong sense of community and acceptance around me, I never had to go through the struggle of coming out. Most of my friends had told me I was gay even before I fully accepted it myself and my mum had always encouraged me to bring home women over men. To me it felt like it was my destiny to be Bisexual. 

My first relationship was with a man and lasted about 3.5 years, grade 9-11. After this ended I wanted to explore my sexuality more, as one should if they feel inclined. Things were quite rough for me at home and I went through a traumatizing experience (sexual assault) that left me with no friends. From here I fell into the arms of a fairy tale of woman that showed me empathy, compassion and remorse in my time of need. I thought I had fallen in love, and I did, just not in the way I now know love to be as an adult. She was so freely open with her sexuality, and opened me up to so much in the LGBTQ+ community that I still hadn't seen (being from a small town). This came to an abrupt end to me as my traumatizing experience left me with a lot of unbearable baggage. So I moved to the city.

After moving to the city things didn't get much better. Things were still rocky at home for me. I left home at 16, taking on the world for myself. Renting, working, and going to school, through this I really dove into my bisexual urges. I slept with woman and men quite equally and declared myself openly a bisexual woman with no question about it. 

Im 21 now, and finally starting to figure out my sexuality. I have been questioning the psychology behind why im attracted to men and why im attracted to women and its been a frightening and difficult journey. If I dive into why im attracted to men it makes sense in my head, love, romance, lust, marriage, instinctual, future & growth, protection, and you know all the average straight people do das. But when I question why im attracted to women it gets gray. I cant see myself romantically involved with women, or see a future with them. I would be considered what is called a “top”,  to break it down in gender role terms, the man, I wear the pants when im with women. There had to be reason to this, why dont I feel romantic feelings to these women that im so blatantly attracted to if I can feel romantic feelings towards men? 

This is what ive come to, and remember this is a personal journey, I dont expect this to make sense or reside with other bisexual woman who also dont feel romantic feelings towards woman because sexuality is different for everyone. I think being with women gave me a sense of power and control. Something I lacked a lot of in my teenage years. What I also recently realized is that I dont let women perform sexual acts to me, because I lose that sense of control, something I only feel comfortable giving away to men. On top of this I see that when I did experiment with letting women try sexual acts on me, I couldn't get into it or id lose the feeling or desire completely and I have never reached climax or came close from it. I appreciate the intrinsic value of beauty women are born with and I think many and most women are born with this ranging ability. 

With all of this in mind I have come to the conclusion that I am not really Bisexual, but rather straight. Now, coming to this conclusion has been hard for a number of reasons. 1. I couldn't find anyone online or in real life with similar experience. This really bothered me, I know its not difficult socially to be straight as thats just the norm, but since my norm is the LGBTQ+ world, it was for me. I searched and searched and searched for someone or something I could relate to but all of my finding resulted in videos or articles or people talking about, Conversion camps (YUCK), religious testimonies where people have “seen the light of gods word” and now think they have sinned in their past, or extreme left/liberal men and women telling me I am being conditioned or brainwashed from my liberation. I WAS ANGRY and felt alone. I still am and this is why im writing this, in hope that someone going through a similar scenario can find this and feel comfort in the fact that they are not alone  2. I thought I was going to lose my community. Since I had no support system or advice/help on my coming out path, I had convinced myself the LGBTQ+ community would shun me for being straight ~which I now know is ridiculous because we love people with whatever sexuality they identify with~ The LGBTQ+ community has been my home and the number one place I felt accepted regardless of my sexuality. Losing them would be like losing my family. and 3. I didn't think people would believe me. To my friends and family ive always been the one so comfortable being the bisexual I thought I was. I was scared for the comments and justification I would have to bring to the table while making this bold statement. As I built up the courage to do this though, my lovely peoples around me have proven me so wrong and I cant thank them enough for it. 

Here is what I have to say to anyone who is coming to these terms for themselves. There is no one way street, if something can happen one way it can happen another. You are not losing anything by being your true self. Dont be afraid to come to your friends and community with your questions and concerns. If people accept you you're in the right crowd and theres nothing wrong with changing your sexuality as you grow one way or the other. We need to be comfortable with our sexuality and not be influenced or conditioned into thinking one way or the other but rather discover by exploration who we truly are. You are loved and if you dont feel that way there are people out there that will love you for you. Me being one, id also like to use this as a open invitation for people to discuss everything I have said either with me ~my inbox is open~ or in the public and I encourage people with similar experiences to share their stories so we dont feel so alone!

I genuinely thank anyone who took the time to read this lengthy post as its something iv wanted to share for a while. Peace & Love.

[kidsviral-blog]

14 People Share The Story Of Their First "I Love You"

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/14-people-share-the-story-of-their-first-i-love-you/

14 People Share The Story Of Their First "I Love You"

Sometimes it’s straight out of a romance novel and sometimes everything goes wrong.

View this image ›

Alice Mongkongllite / Via BuzzFeed

1. “The stars were…I don’t know, they were there. I don’t fucking remember the sky; I was staring at her.”

“I was standing with her on the third story of a fire escape outside of a dormitory apartment we had gone over to that night. We had just stepped out for some air, and we were looking out on all these people who were running around and dancing beneath us on the quad. The stars were…I don’t know, they were there. I don’t fucking remember the sky; I was staring at her. It started to rain, and she said, “Want to get out of here?” right as I said, “I’m in love with you.” And then she laughed and said, “Oh, I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”

2. “It was probably not time and he politely ignored it.”

“I was having a ‘drug experience’ and I shouted it to my boyfriend on Facetime about a month into our relationship. It was probably not time and he politely ignored it. But several weeks later I said it again and he said that he knew of course, and that we don’t always have to shout everything. That more or less remains the theme of our relationship.”

View this image ›

BuzzFeed / Via Alice Mongkongllite

3. “That’s the only person I’ve ever said it to.”

“I fainted in college and when I was going to the hospital, I told a close friend that I was in love with them. ‘Im not into you like that,’ he told me and then told someone else they should probably go with me to the hospital. That’s the only person I’ve ever said it to.”

4. “I don’t really know why, but I just blurted out, ‘I love you’…but in Russian.”

“My first ‘I love you’ was to my first boyfriend in my freshman year of college. We had been dating for a week and we were sort of snuggling in a movie theater. I don’t really know why, but I just blurted out, ‘I love you’…but in Russian. I think I wanted to downplay the moment, and even though he didn’t speak a word of the language, he looked at me and said, ‘I think I know what you just said.’ A few days later, he told me he loved me too. A part of me definitely thought we said those things too quickly but in all honesty, the feelings we shared were very genuine and as crazy as it was, it felt strangely normal.

5. “When our relationship changed from friendship to romance it was like flipping a switch — you couldn’t say those three little words anymore unless you meant it like that.”

“When I finally told her I loved her it was in response to her saying it first and I had already been in love with her for months — OK, longer. We had been best friends before dating, so as many lady BFFs do, we said, ‘I love you’ all the time. When our relationship changed from friendship to romance it was like flipping a switch — you couldn’t say those three little words anymore unless you meant it like that.

After we had been officially dating for a month or so we were lying in bed doing that weird couple thing where you just stare at each other and cuddle — obviously still in the honeymoon phase of I can’t believe this person feels the same way about me. She just said it, out of the blue, and I had a physical reaction in my chest I’ve never experienced before. Obviously hearing those words meant so much, but why did it make my chest hurt? I took a minute and then said it back, as if I wanted to say it after a few beats of silence so it wasn’t just in response to her saying it.

A year later we broke up and didn’t speak for a few months. Then we tried very slowly to become friends again. These days we still say ‘I love you’ but it’s back to that mode of friendship, sprinkled with a slightly deeper meaning due to our past. No more chest pain.”

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BuzzFeed / Via Alice Mongkongllite

6. “It oddly felt the same as asking the person out.”

“It was when the weekend was ending and he had to go back to his house, which was an hour away. It oddly felt the same as asking the person out, because I’m the kind of insecure person that no matter how great the situation is, it’s hard for me to forget about that small chance they might not return the feeling — even though you shouldn’t expect them to say it back. But he said it back…after commenting that it was the first time I said it.”

7. “He said that he felt the same way, but he wouldn’t say the words.”

“This guy and I were an on-again-off-again, openly-secretly, together-but-not thing all through college. We’d kissed and slept together a couple of times, but it was either after he fought with me, fought with his actual boyfriend of four years, or a bottle of whiskey. Before he left to study abroad in Europe, I told him I loved him. When he asked what that meant, I said that I cared about him and that he was a big part of my life. He said that he felt the same way, but he wouldn’t say the words. It’s a scary sentence, I don’t blame him — but I was glad I took the plunge and got hurt, rather than having not jumped at all.”

8. “What is the official response to an ‘I love you’ bear?”

“When I was very young and very smart, I fell madly in love with a boy in Brazil. We ended up having a very long story together, but I don’t think I was ever as keyed up or freaked out as when I blurted out my first “I love you” to him.

I was about to leave Brazil for an indefinite amount of time, after spending six weeks traveling up the coast of Brazil with him, watching sunrises in hammocks and the like. I mean, there was no way it wasn’t obvious that I was in love with him, but we’d never said it aloud.

Before we got in the car to drive to the airport, he gave me a stuffed bear holding a heart that said eu te amo — I love you, in Portuguese. It seemed simple enough, but in my head as we were driving to the airport I wasn’t sure what it meant. What is the official response to an ‘I love you’ bear? Is a bear saying it, or is it a mass-produced cop-out supporting the evil corporate plans of Hallmark? I sat there in the São Paulo traffic, sweating and worrying.

As my anxiety about whether or not to say ‘I love you’ back to the bear/boy built up, I decided I’d do it. ‘I love you,’ I said, quietly, in a voice that was clenched and quiet with anxiety just as he casually gestured at the radio and asked me, ‘What’s the name of this song again?’

‘Wait, what did you say?’ he said, as I blurted out the name of the song, hoping he hadn’t heard what I’d said. Decades lurched forward in the silence that followed. I mashed my fingernails into the teddy bear’s sweet little face, trying to find a way to suck the ‘I love you’ back in.

‘I love you, too,’ he said, and he grabbed my hand. We cried a lot as I walked into the international departures gate for the first time of the many that would make up our multi-year, long-distance love.

My mom was clearing out my childhood bedroom recently and came upon that bear, with its cheap, lopsided face and scratchy synthetic heart. The boy is long gone now, married and happy with his two daughters. I’m married and happy on a different continent with my two cats. But I kept the bear. Because in all its synthetic silliness, it’ll always represent the first terrifying moments of a very real love.”

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9. “At the end of our conversation he said, ‘I love you’ super quick and then the guys started giggling.”

“I had always pictured my first ‘I love you’ to be super romantic and have sparklers go off simultaneously like every movie you watch as a little kid. My first long-term boyfriend in high school was talking to me on the phone one night a couple months into our relationship, and I could hear his two best guy friends laughing in the background. At the end of our conversation he said, ‘I love you’ super quick and then the guys started giggling. I sat there for a second not knowing if it was a joke or not and then I SUPER AWKWARDLY and quickly mumbled it back. To make things more cringeworthy there was five LONG seconds of silence, and he said it one more time and hung up. Because we were 15 and super awkward, it took us a while to say it again in real life.”

10. “We were having a great time together and both feeling what we thought was the magic of being in love (but what might have really been about five cocktails a piece), and we gazed at each other across the scummy toilet…”

“The first time I said ‘I love you’ to my most recent girlfriend, I didn’t really say it. Not exactly when I wanted to, anyway. She and I had been dating seriously for about a month. One night, when we were out seeing a show together, we found ourselves drunk in the same bathroom stall at a dive-y venue in Seattle. We were having a great time together and both feeling what we thought was the magic of being in love (but what might have really been about five cocktails a piece), and we gazed at each other across the scummy toilet and I could tell we both wanted to say ‘I love you.’

My girlfriend at the time could tell, too, so she blurted out, ‘LET’S NOT SAY IT! Not drunk at a dive bar in a dirty bathroom stall!’ Phew! She saved the moment. We both cracked up, kissed, and said ‘I love you’ for the first time later that night in a gloriously clean and comfy bed.”

11. “He agreed to this just as happily as he had agreed to loving me.”

“The first time I told someone I loved them was actually an accident. I was in eighth grade and was dating my first-ever boyfriend, who was in tenth grade. Needless to say, it was a big scandal at my middle school, and that’s probably what I liked about it, because god knows I didn’t like him. He wasn’t a bad person, he just wasn’t exactly my type — meaning he wore a necklace with a cross on it, listened to a lot of country music, and had a gun that he kept under his bed. One night, on the phone, when we were hanging up, I blurted out, ‘I love you.’ I hadn’t meant to say it — I was just used to saying it to my friends — but after a second of silence, he said it back, upbeat and happy. From that moment on, we were stuck in weeks of telling each other we loved each other, even though we actually saw each other maybe twice.

After a month had passed, I finally called him and broke up with him. When he asked why, I told him we didn’t have much in common. He agreed to this just as happily as he had agreed to loving me.

If you’re wondering, I reconnected with him several years later, when I was bored during one summer while he was back from college. He picked me up one night in his red sports car, drove me to his mom’s house, and proceeded to hump my leg for an hour until his mom came back from dinner. I remember his cross necklace repeatedly hitting me in the face while he nibbled on my ear in a way I’m sure he thought was sexy. My first love, the one that got away.”

12. “My sister was driving and my mom was in the front.”

“The first time I said it we were in the car. Not driving, but in the backseat. My sister was driving and my mom was in the front. It was that quiet, cozy time in the afternoon, and we were snuggled up. Some perfect song was playing and he said it first, really quiet and really close, so that only I could hear. I didn’t say anything for a few minutes, it was nice to just soak up that moment. Then I said it back and we sat in silence until the car made its way home.”

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13. “One day, I decided to write him a card. But not just any card.”

“When I was 12, I liked a boy in my French class. He was the class clown, into skateboarding and music, and had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. A lot of girls had crushes on him, and while I wasn’t really cute or well-dressed or even remotely cool, I was influenced enough by rom-coms to believe that the sincerity of my emotions would help us overcome our different social classes and the disparity between our appearances.

One day, I decided to write him a card. But not just any card. On hot pink computer paper, I wrote ‘I love you’ on a pop-up heart with ‘hints’ about who his admirer could be (‘the brown-haired girl in your French class’ — he’ll NEVER guess!). I gave it to a girl to give to him during their math class (of which I was not a part), but, out of sheer dimwittedness or secret desire to ruin me (still never figured out which), she gave it to him in the MIDDLE OF THE LUNCH ROOM. Everyone turned to me and and stared in complete bewilderment. His faced flushed to a deep red — enough embarrassment to split between the two of us. It was never acknowledged again.

In retrospect, while every part of me would like to take this mortifying experience back, I do have to say that, for a middle schooler, he reacted pretty well — he never mocked me for my emotions or bullied me for my clearly silly gesture and deluded self-confidence. In band practice, he remained perfectly polite and let me live this down with a teeny shred of dignity. I of course didn’t really love him or even know him, but he can keep my first ‘I love you.’ He earned it.”

14. “Acting like we were much cooler than we were, we climbed in and I opened up a beer. It was the afternoon, mind you; impeccable life choices.”

“I was 15, and my high school boyfriend and I were headed to the park to meet up with some old friends of his. When we arrived, they were drinking out of the back of a pickup. Acting like we were much cooler than we were, we climbed in and I opened up a beer. It was the afternoon, mind you; impeccable life choices. Of course within minutes the very bored local police were there. My memory says there were flashing red and blue lights and snarling German shepherds, but in actuality it might have been one stern cop staring me down. Regardless, I was petrified. I was clinging to my boyfriend, envisioning my future as a juvenile delinquent and years under lockdown, and I whispered, ‘I love you’ into his ear and he whispered back, ‘I love you too.’ Then they swept me away into handcuffs.

No, that’s not how it went. After we declared our teenage love, our parents just picked us up and he was probably grounded. It was actually very romantic, and he really was my first love.”

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/people-share-the-story-of-their-first-i-love-you