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#im just so tired. and people keep talking to me like i dont have any right to be.
possibly-eli · 8 months
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once again posting a reminder (very gently, when you consider how fucking frustrated i am) that i am anti-kff! there are otherkin terms that people can use and, instead of educating themselves on this, they actively CHOOSE to belittle and bully otherkin folks, all while being a teensy tiny little bit ableist in how they go about it. its not a "erm these people are just minding their business and they're ALSO kin anyway" NO they are NOT. they are, by very fucking definition, either 'hearted or 'link (IF their connection is genuine ANYWAYS). that is NOT. KIN. and its kinda fucking telling if you think a community whose entire existence hinges on deliberate ignorance and harassment of a group is equal to the group theyre harassing and bastardising the terms and experiences of
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kellystar321 · 3 months
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#periodical life updates#eurgh. hiiii im so tired just got home from the family gathering thing im. exhausted hkjfh. and i still gotta draw the eca#still gonna be quiet for a while sorry gang <3 anyway lets not talk about any of that hdkjf ARTFIGHT THEME REVEAL!!#you'll never guess which team jace ''kellystar321'' starlight is choosing for seafoam vs stardust hfjkh#*gestures at my oc list* but also. what if i dont CARE anymore hfjkhf obviously i want to draw for people! its my favorite part! but like.#GODDD i dont care about my ocs anymore!! :') ive always been more of a fandom guy i dont... /want/ art of my ocs?#like yeah obviously agent my beloved! alexandria my beloved! eca has a whole daily blog! but my actual interest in them is sooo low.#there's so many people on artfight who LOVE their ocs like their children. their ocs are their blorbos!! but my ocs are like nothing to me?#i like fandom characters :'0 i would not be as excited to see art of my characters as someone else would be who actually likes their ocs!!#people should focus more on drawing art for people who CARE about their ocs. because if /I/ don't care about my oc and /YOU/ don't care#about my ocs then WHOS FLYING THE PLANE HJFSD no but theres ZERO ENJOYMENT coming out of it you get me? it doesnt make sense to draw for me#BUT ALSO. for silly ''i dont like seeing them all greyed out/hidden :('' reasons i dont want to archive them and hide them from everyone#/BUT ALSO./ i DON'T WANT ART OF THEM. ATTACK SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE. SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT THEIR CHARACTERS hfjkfh urgh.#like hey sorry i dont? care enough about the guys i made up? can you draw reader or kim k!tsuragi instead? thank you. hdjhfg;;;#also ive been. so tired :'> how much will i even be able to do this year? every year i gain more targets to attack because i keep meeting-#new friends all the time. i have some people from lgbt club im attacking this year! my stickmin friends. avm friends. my hell gang hkhg#my hlvrai friends and my longtime mutuals and MY BUREAU OF BALANCE GANG... not to mention revenges from last year :'>#its a lot. and im so tired;;; so. im not sure. i'd still like to join for my 8th year of artfight but damb. i dunno. :'> <3#okay thats all GOTTA DRAW AN ECA GOODBYE I LOVE YOU!!
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br1ghtestlight · 4 months
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Do you want somebody to care about you (a frriend)?
LMAO i guess?? i have online friends who i love and who care abt me so that isn't really the problem. i havent had any irl friends in a very very long time and ive never had an irl friend who i could actually trust/confide in. Maybe having irl friends would fix me but i think mt mental illness would not actually be fixed by being around people...... i dont know i think you don't really "recover" from what ive been through mentally but maybe friends would be nice <- Im not making friends. the time and opportunity for making friends irl has gone and past. AND im autistic and give off negative and uncomfortable vibes when people see me irl so its not happening unfortunately
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cookiecomics · 9 months
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piplupod · 2 months
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#i just wish someone would look at me and Know that im not doing well fjfkdl#struggling so hard to stop myself from taking self destructive action against myself bc boy howdy i just want to fuck myself up#and then maybe someone would look at me and go ''hey u dont look like ur doing so well - do u need anything?''#but thats never worked in the past and theres that whole thing of ''if u want help u need to ask for it''#unfortunately. asking doesnt seem to work very often. i seem to have to Show people somehow that im not okay. like prove it to them#both medical ppl and my family fjfkdl#so here i am again trying to stop myself from [redacted] bc I shouldnt have to prove to anyone that im not okay#honest to god idk who to even talk to about anything. like the workers at the centre are not counselors/therapists#and i dont have another counseling appt for three ish weeks so uhhh#but im kind of like... i need smth idk. i feel like im on the verge of some kind of really bad breakdown#i cannot keep going on the way i currently am - that much is clear.#but idk what can change really. other than getting the girl to give me space fjfkdl#but the bugs and the abuse and the exhaustion and the food will all continue to exist just the same#nothing can be done about any of that! RIP!#i think honestly i just want a good long hug fjdkdl im just so scared and tired fjfkdl and tired of being scared tbqh#oh well !!! i cannot want for what i cannot have! wants don't exist unless i can fulfill it myself easily! otherwise theyre not allowed!!!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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possiblytracker · 1 year
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See you in six weeks after you've finished TOTK <3!
literally in my sleep deprived slightly-reduced-anxiety haze earlier today i just went "oh my god okay this is getting out of hand i have to do it. i have to get over it and simply Stop being scared and self isolating and all my issues will be solved" (unlikely to happen in my current state but love the optimism) only to realise only 2 seconds later that even if i theoretically DID just start throwing out DMs left and right my chances of a) remembering to respond b) getting a response from people at all are stupid low right now because not just me but (almost) everyone and their mother is currently marathoning The Legend Of Zelda: Vehicular Manslaughter/j
like i have no idea how i didnt see this coming. ill prolly give it a few days. for my sake as well as some others' ksdjJD
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lovsome · 8 months
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i think im gonna ask my therapist to get me an appointment with the private psychiatrist she suggested
#yesterday was kind of the wake up call#for a few days ive been feeling very little… still feeling bad but like sort of numb and i keep questioning wheter i actually need meds or#not which .. in any case i will not decide but a specialist will but anyways#and i was looking through book fairs and how to get appointments with publishers to show ur portfolio and just generally feeling like the#most incompetent person ever and also like i will never get anywhere because my style isn’t exactly what u see in most illustrated books#95% of which are childrens books…… and those styles are just different#anyway i digress#my grandma called and she was like what are u doing and i told her how stressed i was and i just started crying mid-sentence and i told her#i dont know where to bang my head anymore its too difficult and confusing and i feel like im just not good enough and im tired of trying to#keep it together.. she knows im not well mentally#like i was SOBBING#and she was like u shouldnt think like that u have to be patient keep trying and contact those publishers and whatever#and i get that she was trying to motivate me but i just told her flat out i. am. unwell. i dont know what to do anymore with this brain#and i asked her to please not tell me how i should think because i cant#and i know my grandad was there with her because he always is and he heard and like an hour later he came to my house to pick something up#and he was like ‘earlier i heard things i dont like’ aka me being depressed out of my mind#and then he said ‘we should talk about it sometime’ and proceeded to completely change the subject to his gums problem because he was going#to the dentist….ok#and the funny thing is things like this where people acknowledge that im struggling but proceed to say nothing about it keep happening#like i have a friend that i talk to very often and we say p much everything to each other but now shes working so she takes weeks to reply#and i told her i was doing VERY bad and of course she has her problems too… and she hasn’t replied to me in like three weeks or so#and she sent a text basically saying im dorry i havent replied yet i want to have time to do it well and hear how youre doing but hear this!#and proceeded to tell me stuff about her work and whatever… which is fine but dont tell me u care about how i am if u cant even check in#when u do have time because clearly u can send texts…#anyways im rambling good morning i already cried and its not even 9 great !!
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dreadfuldevotee · 10 months
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i am just...so profoundly tired of being me
#char.txt#there is something that is so revolting about me I am incapable of shaking the shame of it#Theres nothing i can do to make myself happy its just not possible i think i have to accept that#but im tired of pretending for other people its so stupid#everything feels fake even when im being honest i dont know who this person is anymore#its just stupid idk im thinking about too many things#my life feels like it exists for other peoples entertainment and if im not interesting im failing and im wasting peoples time and energy#but i can't be alone anymore I legitimately cannot be alone anymore ive tried so hard it only makes things worse#I need to feel wanted and maybe its something im missing thats keeping me from feeling that way#but I feel so deeply that when i stop being funny or when the person ppl actually want to talk to comes around ill stop being relevant#i dont exist to people when im not infront of them and...idk i have to be okay with that because im never anything more#and like this genuinely isnt a dig because there are people who I am friends with who have access to see this and I don't want you to feel#like its something youve done cause its not your fault its kind of not even about any of you or the ppl wholl never see this#Its something im missing its something about me and i dont deserve cruelty ik that#but i can't make anyone want me more than they do and thats alright#i just know that ill always be second fiddle at best and it just exausts me sometime#its be easier if I liked me but I wouldnt wish my presence upon anyone#but im selfish and i need the attention or ill actually self destruct so here we are this is my boulder
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blueprint-han · 1 year
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did i make a mistake?
#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags#so yeah fair warning#...........................................................................................................................................#idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man#i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk#about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text#or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want#to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes#fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the#relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard#to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call#a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who#asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it.#i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt#think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was#again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy#who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him#and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first#relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant#really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy#himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly.#theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house#has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place.#its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid#i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over#a relationship that has just been going for 1 week#theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of#which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a#long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i#ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog
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kellystar321 · 1 year
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crave-mp3 · 2 years
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#my mom keeps talking about how much she's going to miss me when i go to college and how im never at home any more bc im out w my friends#and im like. actually i cant wait to not live in a house where i have no privacy and i dont have to deal with you being drunk every other#night!! im so fucking tired of living under your surveillance and under your thumb!!!! being isolated and shut up in the house for pretty#much my entire childhood was actually a terrible thing and i wish id just been allowed to go to a normal school and do normal things and be#a normal person!!! with independence and agency and close relationships!! i didnt choose for you to homeschool me and its fucking me up in#ways im only beginning to realize! and im out all the time now bc i actually have friends now. i have people who care about me and like me#and i can confide in. and most importantly anything they know about me they know because i CHOSE to share it with them.#and she keeps joking about folllowing me to college and im like jesus christ there is quite literally nothing id hate more.#and last night she came into my room and talked at me for like half an hour and while she was saying how much how much shed miss me#she had her arm on my chest and i was so goddamn uncomfortable and i couldnt tell her to stop touching me bc she kept talking about how#she loved me but like. has she ever once respected me enough not to touch me when i dont want it. i feel kind of sick right now just#thinking about it bc she NEVER STOPS TOUCHING ME#'violation' might be too strong of a word to apply here but it feels pretty damn close.#like i cant stop thinking about/feeling her arm on my chest and her hands touching my face and i couldnt stop that feeling for hours after#im just so tired of her treating my body like something shes entitled to.#'you'll always be my little girl' no. im not a girl and im not little and i definitely dont belong to you.
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shot-messenger · 14 days
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sigh
#call me stupid the way i want to believe people at their word and then find myself disappointed when suprise!!! it was all a bunch of talk#call me stupid the way i will do it over and over and over again and then wonder why im miserable!!!#oh boy!!!#fuck#this is my fault inevitably for getting my hopes over nothing every single time#i just want to die in a hole and never talk to anyone ever again#its not like anything i say will get through to them anyways#its not like anything i say fucking matters anyways ive learned that too many times over at this point#i just dont want to try anymore#im so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time to get crumbs#and then the moment im upset about anything is about how everyone else feels about that#like fuck off please let me have something#god#im so tired of being alive and no one cares and i am expected to keep living with that#like the way my ex does more to hangout with me than anyone else currently#i run errands. i go to work. i sleep. im alone most of the time. my roommates grace my presence when they arent dealing with their own shit#i watch youtube and cook dinner with them and then i dont see them unless theyre unconcious or leaving to go to work#i dont have any friends#people dont text me#when i text people they dont even respond#i am alone with my thoughts too often and then i just get to sit here and try to stop myself from spiraling and do something stupid#im always doing something stupid#like this this is fucking stupid and pointless and fuck just shut the fuck up already#rips my my fucking brain stem out god#i cannot be in this fucking house right now with myself
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munch-mumbles · 2 months
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genuinely feel like ive been going crazy the last few nights
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notanotherblorbo · 4 months
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The problem with having friends is that I want to hang out all the time and do things for 1 million years but I am also. Tired. And having a job. And having a family that has a bunch of shit going on all the times.
#i dont have the time or energy to talk to people I HAVE LIKE 4 FRIENDS WHY IS THIS HARD#if i dont talk to each of them at least once a week i feel like an asshole but all of them suck at texting#and dont have schedules that match up with mine#LIKE I LOVE YOU GUYS I JUST DONT HAVE THE ENERGY AFTER WORK#and most of them have terrible sleep schedules so if we hang out when i have work the next day i know that I'll end up staying up too late#and then im just more tired the next day and dont have the energy to do anything#plus ive had a bunch of family stuff going on like my sister moving back in and my cousins coming to stay with us etc etc etc#IT SUCKS CAUSE I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE HALF THE TIME WHEN IM NOT WITH PEOPLE IM NOT DOING ANYTHING I JUST DONT HAVE ANY SPOONS#also all my friends are like “introverts” so when they dont wanna hang out its cause “their social battery is low”-#-but im more extra so why would i be socially tired? why would i be sick of organizing all the hangouts-#-and driving people places and paying for things. <- getting into rant territory#LIKE#can someone else just be like “hey are you free lets hang out” instead of me for once#but then with my one friend who does reach out always wants to discord call for like. HOURS#I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY FOR THAT#and shes the worst when it comes to “im to tired for this but i feel bad saying it” because shes put so much into making sure we keep up#and she doesnt have very many close friends so i feel shitty for not trying harder.#but shes also really tiring to be around because shes mormon still and i have to pretend to be normal and stuff#ughhhhhh#and then like. i know night people talk about how much the world centers around morning people but like#if i have work in the morning im the asshole for not staying up with them till like 1am#I HAVE A JOB I CANT JUST CHOOSE NOT TO SLEEP A BITCH HAS WORK IN THE MORNING#JUST CAUSE I WORK AT A COFFEE SHOP DOESNT MEAN I WANT TO SNORT CAFFEINE TO FUNCTION#ughhhhh#i need a friendgroup so that all my introverts i collect have people to talk to when im too tired#UNFORTUNATELY NONE OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW WOULD GET ALONG#or if they would i dont live close enough to introduce them#feralscreaming
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hecksupremechips · 8 months
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Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over
#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens#i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’#or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems#like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything#and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you#its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we#and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin#nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend#its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything#lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery#and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick#of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing#and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit#and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money#and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now#because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing#feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny#lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away#and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life#im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die#but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol
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snekdood · 1 year
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nihilism on the left is so counter productive and makes people act like right wingers
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