#im just. going to sleep. i cannot make myself go to that class tomorrow it wont happen

[thebirdandhersong]

It is some consolation that one day this will not make me bristle

[somethingboutlife]

Day in life of the barely functioning #1

Scrolling through social media, mainly Facebook, TikTok, instagram, we have all these glamorous "day in the life of..", and even though not being perfect has become very modern, I still feel like im barely functioning in comparison. Im very aware that social media life is not real life, of course, but where's the norm? And where am I? Since I'm barely function in comparison to the "normal" individual, I cannot mirror myself, and it leaves me feeling anxious and vulnerable. Therefore, im gonna make some updates of a day in the life of a barely functioning individual. And im gonna pray to god that nobody IRL finds this and realise that I don't function. And maybe, someday, I'll make a post where I am indeed functioning in comparison to now.

9 am: I woke up, after sleeping for about 11-12 hours. I went to a party and got drunk friday, the hungover seemed endless, but it was mostly gone today. I stayed in bed for about an hour and got up, made some coffee and ate some fruit.

12 am: I started doing my assignment for school, its almost 7 pm now and I'm still not done. I really like my study, but its also very difficult and time consuming.

4 pm: I took a shower, and made a snack pot, had my last cup of coffee since im caffeine sensitive and cannot fall asleep if I've had too much coffee

6 pm: I boiled some eggs and ate them with rye bred, had a pepsi max.

I've been spending all day in bed, but I'm a good place mentally today. I'm anxious about tomorrow because I have to go to class, but hopefully I'll be too tired in the morning to realise that, and just get it done.

[roimp]

absolute chaos happening in the taylor swift universe but i have zero energy like i am not even invested in this plus the vault thing doesn’t show up for me so i can’t bring myself to care about this whole thing i have to wake up early tomorrow i have a 7:30am class and also i met my besties today it was very fun it had been a year since we all met together before this it was always one person or the other missing and we shared all the gossip and so many life updates i loved it and ofc also soooo many pics very very fun and um idk do i have anything else to say hmmm um the autocorrect on this phone is vvvv bad makes me wanna throw this phone at the wall i’m like already a bad texter and hmm anything else hmm my throat hurts and um everything is kind of annoying me rn i should go to sleep actually but i don’t want to idk what i want to do actually my god this keyboard is soooososooo annoying oh also i saw a cat today it was giving like a serious death stare and anything else hmm idk why im typing this all like this mostly i talk in tags but that is a lot of work this feels like a diary entry to me so i’m continuing typing because it’s fun everything is fun but everything is not fun at all and i want to sleep forever and ever but i will wake up tomorrow unfortunately and then go to class and come back home and go to class again and come back home again and then i cry and then i’ll sleep again and it’ll just go on and on and on and then idk hmm this is so long is anyone going to read this i’m still going to post it because this is my blog and this is my diary i’ll write anything i want guys please ignore this post and did i mention everything is so fucking annoying i cannot take this okay goodnight bye

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2992

i learned some things today.

i learned about firewalls and SOCs and what routers actually do and a bunch of computer and networking and safety stuff. it's really cool. no wonder joel loves it so much.

i also learned today that several of my coworkers play instruments! one plays the flute, one plays piano, and another plays the trombone. i play the clarinet, so we had a nice discussion today about music! it was really nice.

kristen came by, and i told her that we all played instruments! and she said, "that's so cool! maybe you could make an orchestra."

and i go, "more like a DORK-estra, amirite?" and i laughed so hard at myself i had to take a time-out in the corner.

didn't skip a beat, no space, no break, just instant "we're dorks here. we're literally tutors so we qualify as Dorks." so that's what went through my head. and the sentence came out of my mouth. and i laughed so hard i turned tomato red. it was so fucking funny.

and i must add that i have so much chaos right now among my brain cells that i like, cannot. i have so much con prep to do that i can't think straight. i'm going to print things tomorrow morning so i can cut them out and assemble them. gotta bring in my hole punch. and print a test copy and then slice and dice once printed and i think i'm gonna need to just. use regular paper. i'll just put the hole punch farther in. eh.

anyway, con prep started today. the truck is packed and is going down tomorrow.

also my professor posted our class time this week. it's tomorrow. at 5:30. i have a class - most of the class has a class - at 5:50. like holy shit, man. have you looked at your students' schedules??? you said the first week you were gonna send out a poll about class times that worked for everyone, and then just decided thursday, the day most of us already have a class that starts before 6pm, would be the best day to have a class at 5:30pm??????

god i hate this man.

anyway, i miss joel - he's hotel-side tonight to help with setup and stuff. meanwhile we both get beds to ourselves tonight. so i have the stuffies and the fan and the usual bed and he's got. a moderately uncomfy bed, i believe. i hope he gets some sleep.

poor joel. needs sleep.

so do i. i've been checking in on my sleep with my watch, and i've been a fucking disaster lmao. you're supposed to get between an hour and two hours of deep sleep. i'm getting half an hour, maybe. that's why im so fucking tired. also im awake a long time at night. i woke up like twenty times last night. christ almighty.

[hayleylwong]

reflection 05-23

9:33pm - today i woke up at like 12:30. this was disappointing bc i was supposed to get up earlier to study for my chem midterm tm. instead i didnt study until like 4 bc i had to go sit outside and talk to people and then i went to class for like five minutes but i left to go study for chem bc i thought that was more important. i went to the schoenberg music practice rooms w my friend that can play piano to take a break from studying and omg the practice room hallway looks and sounds like a psychiatric ward like i swear all the instruments blended together and sounded like clown music and the hallway was long and the doors were all like scary w one little window in them. but i liked hearing my friend play piano. then i met my other friend at feast and ate dumplings and we got to talk i wish i could see her more often. then i went to study some more w my friend from before and we had to check like 15 lounges before we found an empty table. tn im gonna do pomodoro method so i am writing this during one of my breaks. i hope i can get through everything rn i feel like it is doable i bought yerba and celsius earlier so i am prepared for my all nighter. we will see how doable it feels as the night progresses. i am looking forward to 4:00pm tm when i can finally sleep after my midterm and hanging out w people for an hour 3 times in a row.

9:44pm - omg i called today the 21st accidentally. i just realized i cannot sleep at 4 bc of club work due at 5. ughhhh it is only the beginning of the night and i already want to sleep. i have overdone my pomodoro break by 11 minutes now. it is not a good sign.

12:10am - it was not a good sign. i have watched one and a half lectures and am two hours and twenty minutes into my current break. i went to the store and got more yerba mate but it is not working. i have seven lectures left and less than ten hours before my midterm. when am i going to shower. i now cannot sleep until 7pm tomorrow. my eczema is making me itch inside my body i am uncomfortable and everything is irritating me i cannot focus but i will. i will do it i have to otherwise idk what to do no i have to i really have to. only 19 more hours of misery.

3:54am - i have watched one hour of lecture in the last six hours. i am scared. there are other peoples review notes on the white board and i do not recognize some of the words. my friend said theyre important. no position is comfortable i am hella fidgety and my skin is freaking out. i want to shower but i do not have time. my friend is abt to go to sleep and leave me. who will keep me awake. i an beginning to do the thing i used to do where i blink weird and tense my head muscles bc i feel off. i am going to hug my boy. except i just saw his explore page and let me tell you i have never seen so many asian bikini thirst traps in my life. and i scrolled through his for you page and the same girl kept coming up. tell me why when i was scrolling through the explore he said ‘ooh a white one’ like three times. like actually wtf. have i told u guys his ex is white. my chem prof is rly grinding my gears rn. i hope i does not ever find my tumblr. i hope i can focus in the next six hours. oh no that is not enough time. no no no no no

5:16 - i actually cannot think. my head is numb. but the caffeine is finally working and i cannot sleep. i am so f ed. my head does not work. maybe i am just irritable rn. i hate everything. wtf is a nucleophile and how do u tell how strong it is. i just learned but i forget. i am going to cry.

5:26 - my friend is going to sleep soon. what am i gonna do. i was supposed to be done w lec by now and i have six left. i have four hours left before the exam. i have never been so disappointed in myself. i am sad. what am i going to do. i cant cry im too dehydrated and i dont have time for that. what is wrong w me

6:26 - how am i still on the same lecture as an hour ago. i am so miserable. was this quarter really worth it if im gonna fail this class? i wasnt even good at this quarter. but it is too late now bc if i dont go through w that i alr failed. i cant even hear anything shes saying anymore but i barely have time to watch even on 2x speed

6:50 - i am struggling. thinking abt doing anything makes me want to sob. i really really hope my club does not make us do stuff for an extra week bc i actually do not think i can. that week will be spent studying for finals. ik what to prioritize now. they should make that more clear. ughhh my brain is being attacked with words. it does not like it. i hate myself rn. i need to scream

jp updates: sam is feeling good today. he is curious whether or not he asks people for contact information weirdly and is working on changing his phrasing.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[suyunsgf]

What do you mean sleeping 4 hours one night then 12 hours the next night over and over isn’t healthy???

[jaeqtstuff]

— i can't afford another loss ft kim hongjoong

[11.30pm] instead of music blasting everywhere, people hitting the dance floor with drinks in their hands, you were standing in a room with casinos, high class bar that worth thousands dollars for a single drink and then there was you, awkwardly standing in between people that dressed in tux and suits with girls in their diamond necklace, walking around in their pair of stilettos. you dressed the same but you cannot stop questioning who are these people in your head.

you spotted wooyoung, near end of the room with a group of men you’re not familiar with nor you know them but that didn’t stop you. you were left alone by the time wooyoung excused himself to get a drink and ending the night without telling wooyoung would be rude even though he was just your colleague.

“hey,” wooyoung greeted you once you grazed your hand at his shoulders from the back. all of sudden, all eyes were on you and you were taken aback by how intimidating they look. “i think i should head home.” you whispered slowly to him, earning a sly chuckle from the one sitting in front of you, hand on his temple as he rested his arm on the couch.

“this is hongjoong, the one who throw tonight’s party.”

“big brother.” the one with more paler skin than the rest hold his cup as if making a toast before drinking it all in one go.

“is this your best shot yet?” hongjoong asked wooyoung as he poured himself a drink. eyes still fixed on you.

“we’ll see.” wooyoung clicked his tongue.

hongjoong pulled himself up from the couch and itch towards you slowly.

“you better not messed up again, young. i can’t afford another loss.” you could feel how his eyes pierced through you. as if he could read everything on your mind.

“if you’re looking for a casual hook up, i’m not the one.” you spoke coldly, almost glaring at him and wooyoung.

“i am more than just sleeping around.”

“as much as you want me and i do find you, perhaps attractive, you have to earn my trust before taking things more private.” the last words that came out from his mouth were almost too faint to hear even though you could feel each others breath, almost too close for a stranger to take your air.

hongjoong backed away from you. another small sarcastic chuckle escaped.

“you really don’t have any idea who i am, do you?”

you looked over your shoulder, only to find wooyoung lightning up his cigarette while throwing small packages of white stuff to the other guys. what did i get myself into?

“don’t worry, i won’t ask you to do hard stuff. just a simple one.” hongjoong continued and poured you a drink. you were hesitated but you knew, you gotta play pretend before trying to get yourself out.

“i need to slip few diamonds to Blue House. wooyoung told me you quite good with serving the government. i’m sure you know your way.” his hand playing with the glass, clinking the ice before gulping down bit by bit.

“so you could get away while i might get sentenced to death? is that how it is?”

he let out a hum, putting the glass down.

“i won’t let anything happens to you. you just need to deliver.” hongjoong pulled few strand of hair out from your face, safely tucked behind your ears. you pushed his hand away and didn’t ask anything before drifting away. i need to get out from here, as fast as i can.

“bring her to me tomorrow, safe and sound” hongjoong eyes turned dark and heavy as you were out from his sight. just like he said, he cannot afford another loss, no matter how things get rough.

i am so interested in writing mafia au for ateez but i guess i will have to read more bcs this was hard to do! i might write a series of everyone so hopefully im not too busy <3 spare me for every grammar mistakes, i couldn't function properly lol

[daelfry]

i worked this weekend and im very very tired i cant wait to sleep all day tomorrow and then wake up and finish my overdue coursework on russia because i cannot be bothered to delay it anymore but also i cant be bothered to do it either so I’ll probably do 6% actual work and 94% procrastination but it’s okay because it’ll make my fast feel like it’s going quicker (i have great logic i know) and also my driving test is like 3 weeks away and im shitting myself but its fine and also i love you so much that its stupid and also also how are you i hope youre okay and im sending you lots of hugs lots of and kisses mwah <3333

bff i hope ur coursework is going okay and i hope u got all that rest! ugh ong ur driving test that’s so close but so far😩😩but ur gna pass and then ur gna be a great little driver <3 im good! finished classes so i just need to finish my assignments and then i’m free until september 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️but ily fr MWAH <3

[luobingmeis]

so im just gonna vent/monologue for a hot second and idc who does or does not read this but we’re just gonna be super chill abt it and not read too deeply into the stuff that i say, so!!!

and if i delete this in the morning, ignore all this!!!

i think the best way to start this post off in general is “i had a bunch of stuff i wanted to vent abt but from the shower to here (total of like 5 minutes) i have forgotten most of it”

which is very on brand bc i don’t remember most things nowadays ajkdjkdskj

anyways tho also shout out to my lack of emotional object permeance bc i have been in such a Not Fun State for X days (bc i dont really remember when this started this week akjdsjkdsjk) and i cannot remember what started it nor can i fully process that i have only been in this state for like A Few Days and not like........................ weeks

but i think that is also due to the fact that i do, in fact, bounce back and forth between “hey things are fine idk why i ever thought they were bad :)” and “hey things are bad idk why i ever thought they were fine :)”

it also doesn’t help that. every day. i am analyzing the complicated relationship i have with my parents. specificaly my mom. and it definitely isn’t fun to think abt.

basically every day i think abt that scene from the breakfast club when they all talk abt how they’re fated to become their parents, no matter how hard they try not to be, and it especially fucks me up when i think abt how much me and my mom are alike, in both the good and the bad, and i’m just like “hmm am i just being a shitty daughter (possible) or do i have to figure out how to fix this (don’t know how) or am i just gonna have to break the chain eventually (upsetting!)”

but that is deeply upsetting to think and talk abt so :^)

and i also think a lot abt how i’m 99% sure ********** runs in our family which i guess i’ll have to deal with eventually even tho it doesn’t really. affect me rn. i guess!

let it be known that i do love my parents very much!! i just. have too many thoughts in my head.

also i get nervous throwing terms around bc im scared of being wrong but i genuinely think i have like. adhd and/or depression and/or anxiety and also i think there’s something messy going on with my empathy which is!! also upsetting!!!!

but tbh i have never been more. like. resistant to treatment in my life than i am right now. so i just deal with all of this in my brain.

also i’m kinda just back into my way of “consume the same media over and over and let it just become my whole personality so i can feel like a normal person” except that makes, like, idk “coming back to reality” a bitch bc i have spent the past?? 24/48 hours feeling like i’m on and off floating through space and time

also ik that this will all probably be over in a couple days, idk maybe even tomorrow!!! but for rn i’m just :^)

also me and my best friend were talking today and he said something like “i think everyone has certain things they do that just make them feel bad” and i kinda just nodded along bc i knew that my answer of “well i basically at this point purposely keep a shitty sleep schedule and, even when i wake up at 11am, i basically don’t let myself eat until 4/5pm bc, besides having some things i probably need to unpack, i also find something terribly grounding in feeling shitty” would Not go over well 

also there is no way i am mentally and emotionally ready to go back to school in september, like i say this every year and i think at this point i just need to accept that i’ve wasted away my college years feeling shitty and i will never get this back!!!! which is. fun.

also i’m doing so many things this semester that i don’t want to do bc apparently i care abt what other people want more than i do. for some stupid reason.

also ngl i’ve come to the realization that sometimes my brain is just not a great place to be akjdkjdskj

also i have to do my thesis this semester and i already feel behind and next semester i’m barely gonna get to see my professors/friends except for like one or two days a week so while a part of me literally does not want to step foot on my campus/in a class room bc i am So Not Ready, i also feel like i’m basically gonna have no support that will be tangible to me 

anyways tho i’ve fully brought taz/dnd back into my life so that is always an upside!! and i mean that unironically, like. when in doubt. taz/dnd will give me my serotonin and fantasy escapism that i crave <3

i feel like i could say more but at this point i’m just tired!!! so, to quote adam parrish, “i want to feel awake when my eyes are open”

[seoultraveller]

Awhhh I’m glad it made you smile🥺

Okay that sounds great !! I would definitely recommend stretching beforehand (something I’ve learned myself if I work out💀) 😅 Good luck when you do some exercises again and I hope you won’t hurt yourself again ;(( That’s so sweet of you thank you Catalina🥺 You’re deserving of love and all great things too💕

HSHSH it must be so nice having them be quiet 😂😂 I’ve always been apart of messy classes so it’s nice with some quiet sometime !! (Though now I’m so used to a lot of noises and I find it hard concentrating when it’s too quiet 😳) Oohhh Kahoot can be fun!! I’ve almost always enjoyed playing Kahoot when my teachers used to do it

Ahh now it’s perfect to use the hugs then🥺🥰 Stay warm and healthy !! Sad to hear that the weather is so bad ;( I like the rain though, it’s nice, but it can affect the mood sometimes

I posted part three yesterday actually ! But it didn’t show up in any of the tags so I unpublished it this morning and I’m thinking of when to post now🤔 And I also (finally) finished my other Wooyoung fic which is called Magic Numbers and I’m also thinking about when to publish it hmmmm. I really want to get Magic Numbers out so we’ll se what I’ll do 💕 But omg I’m so happy you’re looking forward to the third part, it means a lot as a writer🥺

Kiwi is doing good🥰 She’s just getting crazier and crazier and she makes me laugh A LOT ! She just does the stupidest things 😂🤣

Im okay atm, thank you for asking🥺 I’ve been stressed now during the afternoon because I was trying to finish a report (which I’ve been ignoring until last minute...) but it’s still not complete and I only have one lesson tomorrow to get it done :/ It’s been a tough thing to do and I got irritated at myself for leaving it until so late and getting so stressed too ugh 🙃 I’m fighting though and I’m gonna try to write a little more before going to bed

Otherwise, my day has been good overall and I’m glad I’ve been able to write on my fics 🥺

How are you feeling and what are your plans for today??

Yeah~ 🥺 Good afternoon!! 😃

Haha!! Yeah! Can’t just willingly go around pulling muscles 😅. No, not really. I don’t really do much that is deserving of appreciation or love. I just do what I’m supposed to do.

Oh really!? That’s interesting. I’ve been in a few noisy classes, but I’m starting realize more and more now that I need quiet to focus. It’s very difficult for me to focus if my surroundings are loud/attention grabbing. However, working through noise is quite like a talent. And you have it!! I’ll find something on Kahoot and maybe play another game with them as well. Your enthusiasm has solidified my choice. Thank you!!

Yes!! The rain is actually quite nice. However, the only drawback I would say is getting wet! Since... however, I also like warmth, I would say the coldness as well but that’s not too bad. Thank you for the hug 🤗💕💘💛❣️💓

Okay~ okay~ I knew that I was tagged and at first the notification worked, but then I couldn’t find the notification and was all like 🤭😂 and thinking I did something wrong. Magic Numbers is ready!? Ayyeee~ cannot wait to read it 😌 but take your time in posting it. I ready to read either one as it suits you whenever it seems like it is the proper time to post.

😂 oh goodness!! 😂 She seems like a much more interesting character than I had originally thought. 😂

Aw~ well here’s to hoping that you do not pull your hair out over this project, but also still manage to get it done. Don’t be too hard on yourself either though. Letting things get away from you like this happens, but once the realization comes to you to get it done then that’s a good thing. I am glad that you realized you had to eventually work on it anyway. *Sending hugs* It’s all going to be cool. Don’t worry about it. 😉

I’m happy that you’ve had a good day. You deserve it!! 💕❣️💓

I feel pretty amazing!! I mean... it’s 5:10 AM so after sending this out I may just go back to sleep for about 30 minutes to an hour, or just browse and reblog on tumblr. Today, my plans are to dump some trash that I created yesterday while cleaning my room, get to work, write, create a lesson plan, and do some language studying.

[pbandjesse]

I am waiting for my nails to dry. I decided to take everything off and start over. Felt nice to take care of myself a little bit. But its so humid in here that they dont seem to be drying. Which is annoying. Today was a long day but honestly excellent. 

I didnt sleep great though. I was tired. I slept a few extra minutes but that didnt really make me feel much better. But I was in a good mood still. I was happy. 

And like I said. It was an excellent day. I knew they were going to throw me in with a group today. And it was the absolute dream of a group. They were so sweet. They were also excited to have me be their group leader. It was a great day.

We had some intense talks. About wild tattoo methods. About eating disorders. About life. They were so open and full of questions. They wanted to know everything about my tattoos. They wanted to touch my hair. They wanted to learn things. It was lovely. 

We started the day with archery. Some of the kids just wanted to read so we did that while the rest of them shot bows and arrows. It was such a beautiful day. We took a vote and decided to have a chill hour with hammocks and sewing next. I taught about half of them how to sew and embroider today. And it was just fun. It was nice just to have them be engaged and happy. They thought I was funny. I thought they were fun. It was a good day. 

We went back to the cabin for lunch. And we took a vote about the hike we would take after. It was decided that after we got our candy from the trading post we would go up to the barn to pet the new kittens and then go back to arts and crafts. 

And that was honestly perfect. We had a good hike. I poorly sung to them. I dont know why I can sing just fine alone, but as soon as Im walking I cannot breath! A disaster. But they thought it was fun. We got up to the barn and pet the dogs and cats. The new cats were just so small!! 

We made a pit stop at the bathrooms. And then did the second half of the hike. But one of the kittens had followed up all the way through the woods. So I carried her to the office. The kids thought that was very funny. And I took the very chill and floppy cats and gave her to Heather. 

We went up to arts next and it was just nice and chill. But after that we were going to go to the pool. So we just hung out in the hammocks and talked and sewed. But then Angelia's group asked if they could use the hammocks. They were the little kids and they had all been stung by wasps and we having a hard day. So my kids gave up the hammocks and rested. 

We started making our way to the pool but some kids needed to use the bathrooms back at our cabins. Alright. So we went back there. And got everything we needed. But I messed up. I somehow miscounted. And I lost a kid!!

I had been counting constantly all day. 8 kids. We were walking away. Go towards the art shed, had to grab someone's towel that was left there. And thats when someone let me know we were missing someone. But I couldnt find her! So I went to the office with my group to tell Chris and as I was telling him the nurse called for me and she had my missing kid. Ugh. Thank god. The little kid wasnt mad at me but I was mad at myself. 

She didnt hold it against me. We all swam and had a blast. They had a lot of questions about my psoriasis. Which has gotten really bad. And they were very concerned. But we mostly just had a really good time in the water. 

We got out and dried off and started heading to the cabin to change and then over to homestead. But because of the wasps they had to cancel the project and so we just played games and did our sewing. But I felt bad that they didnt get to do the project so I went over to my car to get the box of chips I had and gave them to my campers. 

The day ended and we cleaned up the cabin. Just honestly a dream day with these kids. I hope if I have a class this fall that they are as nice as this group. 

It was soon time to go home. It was easier for me to know when to leave because I had to wait for all my kids to head out. I checked with Alexi and she said I can stay home tomorrow. So I get the day off!! I am so excited to just have a day to myself. Spend the morning with James. Make some art. It will be good. 

I left work at 530. Stopped back at the office to give Charlotte the art key. Threw it at her from the car. And then headed to the art store to look for film. But they didnt have any!! Ugh. I went and got dinner at wegmans but the calzone thing I got is terrible. Whatever. I headed home. 

I had my dinner and put the dishes away and played animal crossing. I took a bath. I watched a scary video. And now I think my nails are dry and I am going to go lay in bed and drink some water. 

Tomorrow I am going to try to just enjoy this special day off. I hope for you as well. Goodnight everyone!!

[taylornock]

sadness + a pandemic

its march 18th, 2020. the nation is in a state of emergency due to the spread of coronavirus; a viral infection with flu-like symptoms that can be severe [potentially fatal] for the immunosuppressed, elderly, and very young. as a result of this horseshit - everything on the calendar is cancelled. everything including classes for the rest of the semester. so Ohio State has kindly asked us to move out of our current campus housing and say goodbye to this year from the quarantine of our own homes.

-

i keep trying to remind myself of how blessed i am; something that has been a common theme in my life. “people always have it worse” “in the grand scheme of things” etc. but this is so hard to have that mindset. I am trying to check myself and be grateful for what i have, i am in no way suffering more than those who are going to lose meals, family members, shelter, or jobs due to this fucking virus. but my feelings are still heavy, + threatening a downward spiral in my mental health. also cough syrup just came on so like, now im really unstable and my room is pitch black i do not feel well

in the past week i have been forced to accept the end of so many things. A) my experience living in my sorority house, B) my college friends until fall, C) the seniors graduating and moving on, and D) half a semester in college that I can’t get back.

To start with A - the sorority house. my heart is WRENCHING over this. i cant even begin to put into words how much that damn house means to me as stupid as it sounds. In that house, I didn’t just make friends. I didn’t just go to school and come home to eat or sleep. It completely changed who I am as a person, and brought me further out of the shell that I didn’t realize was still covering me. I have been blessed with amazing people in my life and I was fortunate enough to meet even more of them in that house. over 7 months, i met girls who made me feel validated and loved in a way that only a few people had shown me before. Without them I would not have the confidence to do so many things I did this school year, and i cannot thank them enough for their support through it all. I could talk about my sorority until my mouth gets dry, but its all because i feel so passionately about what it has done for me. Im not ‘paying for my friends’ or for frats or for free t shirts (that aren’t even free might i mention)…. these people mean the world to me. seeing their faces everyday in the house brought me so much joy and peace of mind that i am terrified for what i am going to do without it. i am a people person to my death, and living somewhere where i could walk down the hall and pop my head into people’s rooms to bother them was the best thing that has ever happened to me. my anxiety chilled the f out in this house; because i was forced into conversations i didnt want to have and forced to socialize with girls at dinner when all i wanted to do was go eat by myself and cry about food like i used to do in high school. this experience was truly     once    in     a    lifetime,     and i had the best memories with all of those people. i never felt so at home like i did in the chee as we call it - that place gave me the same sense of shelter that id cry about leaving behind in cleveland. because of these strong memories associated with that house, my chest is physically tightening when i remember i have to leave it behind tomorrow morning,,,, tomorrow morning! its just not fair to have something that great and that makes you so happy ripped away from you without warning - and again i know this happens all the time in life but it doesn’t suck any less when it does!! you know what else sucks about the house? i actually didnt want to live in it, at all. I thought my life was perfect last year and i wasn’t willing to change it for the world - but i took a leap (or was kind of forced to jump) and it is the best decision i have ever made. i didnt want to do it, i did it, and now im so happy —— so naturally life comes in with the “let it go now before you’re ready”. you’re joking? the best things in my life come out of what i think are going to be the worst things, and now i am so sad that i didn’t have that attitude 7 months ago and wasted even a minute questioning what was right in front of me.

to my college friends; i love you so so much. thank you for being a part of the family i have at OSU… a school I thought was going to be too big for me. I will miss your smiling faces every day. I will miss the different conversations and the little run ins and the squadding up at bars that have been my entire college experience. stay healthy and well i love you all and cant wait to see you again (also come visit me please im sad and its not long before im going to start punching walls)

to my seniors. my freaking seniors!!! this is so unfair to you — and i honestly think that the only thing keeping me sane throughout the whole thing is knowing that if you can have a positive attitude about all of this ending so quickly than i fucking better have one too. im not ready to let you go even a little. i couldn’t even TYPE that sentence without starting to feel a lump in my throat. there are so many people i unfortunately just got to know this year that have given me an example of the person i want to be. you all have been great role models for me (even when you think you haven’t) and i am so grateful for the memories we did get to have together. at our preference round of recruitment, hearing the seniors speak made me start crying immediately. i hate change. i hate people leaving. even though you are doing great things in your young adult lives i just don’t want you to go!!! is that fair just to have your face around all the time?? I am so so sad that i didnt get a proper goodbye —— that you didnt get a proper goodbye to your school like you’ve dreamt of. this is all too sudden and unfair and i want to squeeze you all to pieces and tell you i love you 100 times and not to forget me. please dont forget me because i will never forget you. (crying again) THANK YOU for showing me kindness, hard work, fun, and true love for your friends. THANK YOU for showing me what its like to have an unmatchable energy level and be excited about waking up every day… everyone can use that mindset. THANK YOU ALL, please dont go. i want nothing more than to take this virus away from you just so you can have a second to look around and breathe.

half a semester in college i cant get back. its true what they say ~the years get faster as you get older~ and i really wish it wasn’t. I already feel like im growing up too fast, like my parents are growing older too fast, or my younger cousins growing up too fast (and not just because of tik tok). i feel like time is moving so much faster than i can handle. i feel like i am spiraling into my dark hole of losing everything - and the feeling of not being able to stop your life from slipping through your own fingers. i want to make it stop; i want to freeze time and relive all of the amazing memories and laughter fits i have had this school year. i only get 4 real years of college, and to think that im losing some of one breaks my heart. i feel like i never truly value a moment until after it happens, and you really don’t know what you have until its gone. i am so FUCKING sad to have to say goodbye to sophomore year like this; and i pray that i can make up for it in some other way and that things dont change. i am so fucking scared of things changing - and i was so happy 2 weeks ago with life that im not okay with anything fucking with it. im sad, im trying to cope, and trying to process everything that’s happening. but i really just wish it all wasn’t. i dont want to feel like im always running out of time.

tell everyone you love them & stop to smell the flowers. appreciate what you have now because you never know when a virus is going to take over the globe and destroy the idea that you have everything planned out. im sad, i havent felt like this in a minute. and it goes up from here, i know it does! but the light at the end of that tunnel is a little dim right now. i think my flashlight needs a few more batteries (metaphorically! ha ha! now im not sure if it makes sense and is deep or im just jet lagged) 

okay goodnight! 

xoxo sad taylor hours 

[readbythestarlight]

c2e76

HEYYY BABYFACE! I thought I’d miss the beard but he’s just cute no matter what

It’s Brittany bitch

Oh no xD

Aww they’re doing a shoutout for conservation for the rainforest! Good for them!

RIP Nott you will be missed

[[MORE]]

Also Marisha’s hair? Amazing. Flawless. Stunning.

"SOMETIMES DRAGONS COME AFTER YOU" Jester your experiences are not universal

Reani knows everyone and has so many friends who clearly thinks she’s absolutely reckless but love her anyway

"Why would they call it root beer? That’s fucking stupid."

Goats milk with chocolate lol

Reani girl slow down lol

N: "I’m already plastered and that seems excessive"

Nott honey no you’re gonna die of alcohol poisoning at this rate

Thaumaturgy to make chocolate milk lol

Throwing contest woooooo!

The M9 invent root mead pong

Sam, joint about how Marisha played Caleb last week: "you were so attractive!"

Matt: "I agree!"

lol they’re all bad throws

B: "I feel like This is a consolation prize. Am I being pitied?"

F: "Yes."

B: "Do you want it?"

F: "Yes."

lol Caleb makes the best throw at the end when no one is paying attention that was cute

Matt making sure to point out that this is how he is doing the rules in HIS campaign to stop the rude people from criticizing

lol Fjord you’re too skinny for plate mail

Squishy wizard less squishy yayyy!

We’re off to steal from nobles!

Pu-bat Sol?

This is amazing I’m crying

Caleb really wants that bread

"Until tomorrow" Aw poor guy. He lonely.

Awww Samiel guiding Reani to be her own person <3

Aw bb :(

That was sweet

Also I’m convinced at this point that Reani is never leaving she’s just gonna tag along with the M9 forever now

Fjord being like "I cannot do all that exercise it hurts me" is a MOOD

Y’all are gonna randomly murder a guard?? When you’re doing something illegal??? What if he has a family??

Fucking HELL

Yeah y’all better not let Reani find out about this

They are such disasters I stg

C, whispering: "Nott says they murdered someone."

F, also whispering: "THEY WHATED SOMEONE?"

They’re all such nerds

Cad: "I’m built for espionage today not for healing" that’s a first

We need a counter for the number of times Jester has done something clever to get them in

F: "don’t worry about me, I have items and stuff, just go."

Poor Fjord left alone :(

WHY DID YOU TELL REANI GUYS FFS

M: "nextomantic"

Everyone: "ooooooooo 😬"

They’re all exploring a house and poor Fjord is just downstairs. Alone.

Nice job Nott!

I have some concerns about how they get out now

A book, of course

It’s time to leave guys. Go.

Them trying to gently encourage Nott not to drink is so soft and sweet

But they are pushing their luck

TIME TO GO

Please get out please

"Disguise self-elf"

Oh that’s a cool ring, but also very dangerous probably. Can easily be used for manipulation.

Well at least they got the glass

I’m gonna miss Reani she’s been fun

Cad: "Thank you for taking care of him" that’s a feeling

Caleb checking up on Fjord <3

Also it’s amazing how it actually took me 0% time to get used to Fjord’s real voice. I thought I was gonna miss the southern accent but nope.

Caleb shared a boooook :D

Gasp Nott turned down a drink I’m proud of her

Jaggentoths...?

Oh FUCK they were people who hired Lorenzo and the Iron Shepherds

R: "Will you come back to visit?" Don’t imma cry

WELCOME TO THE MIGHTY NEIN BB GIRL

Cad: "the head of a god"

C: "small."

Cad: "aren’t we all? well, you all are."

C: "alright tallboy."

I choose to believe that banter is canon

Awww Fjord trying to meditate and talk to Wildmom on his own <3

Awww getting a hug from Wildmom!!

....or is it

MATT that’s RUDE!!

That’s gonna be a TWO WEEK CLIFFHANGER

Reani gonna make out with Beau do it

Do it for all of us

Okay the rose is good too that’s sweet

Beau no xD

R: “I think you’re pretty.”

B: I grab her by the back of the neck and kiss her

YAS BEAU

THANK YOU

I was very much crossing my fingers for that

Ohhhh Caleb and Nott gonna have a discussion

Caleb just checking in Fjord and Nott and stuff makes me happy

He’s been working really hard to be encouraging and supportive and stuff and you know what that is? Growth.

Team Mom Nott

Oh sweetie, you don’t have to do that for everyone. :(

Alright everyone group hug Nott immediately

She’s scared HUG HER IMMEDIATELY

N: “I know you all have my back, you all care for me. But no one has my front.” ouch.

N: “This flask is my shield. It allows me to do these things, to go forward and protect all of you.” Ouuuuch.

Sam Reigel coming in with the feels again.

C: “How can you protect us if you are not protecting yourself?”

N: “Well there is a bit of a trade off. I just worry that I won’t be brave without it.”

C: “You don’t have to be brave alone. I am not, without you, Nott.”

C: “Listen I don’t have faith in much, at all. I don’t have faith in myself, either. But I do have faith in this group.”

A’IGHT LIAM AND SAMI DIDNT ASK FOR THESE FEELS AT 1:30 AM SO THANKS FOR THAT

Please hug and

C: “I really wish I could see you right now.”

N: “Yeah, well... I don’t know. I don’t.”

Oh honey you’re not disappointing him

N: “I’m sorry if I disappoint you again.”

C: “Nott the brave. We may both be messes. But at least we’re messes together.”

Nott, and then she takes a sip, while he can’t see, and “I’ll try to make you proud”

C: “You already do.”

And I’m crying.

Thanks for that little hint of humor Jester

Cad’s just like “I just like to listen in lol”

Boy just gonna have emotional talks tonight huh? Cad complimenting Jester and making sure she understands that she’s appreciated even if they don’t say it as much as they should.

They’re just spying on Caleb together

And now off to eat cupcakes

Awww the Traveler “he’s right, you know; you deserve all the cupcakes, Jester.”

How does sleep come to Fjord Matt

What happens to Fjord Matt

AYYYY THE SWORD IS DONE

“Except for you” FJORD??

Listen I’ve been anticipating the sword thing for ages but

Fjord??

Matt what’s wrong with Fjord there’s not an M9 episode next week Matt you can’t do this to me Matthew

IS HE GONE?

WHERE DID HE GO

MATT

MATTHEW

oh my god

WHERE

IS

MY

BOY

MATTHEW

IS HE FROZEN??

What’s happening is he about to get a new class??

Oh shit what’s happening

A slightly less scrawny Fjord lol

Caduceus looks very proud

AHHHH IT WORKED

HE’S BACK

“Eldritch blayst” now that i did miss

IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM

Please hold it I want so much art of him holding the sword for the first time

I’m so emotional I’m so proud of him guys

OH my god that was AMAZING

Reani come back soooon

“I get a day of extra life for every tear so” lol Taliesin

LOVE YOU TOO MATT

[poindexterblacksmith]

Help

I don’t know if anyone will see this, or if anyone will care, but i needed to put it out somewhere. I just feel directionless right now.  I have been in college for 3 years now, but feel like I haven't accomplished anything. The first two years I was an engineering major, but changed directions after realizing that it wasn't what I wanted to spend my life doing.  I had a hard time making that decision, and still feel guilty about it, because all through high school I did really well in math and the sciences, and everyone told me that I would be a great engineer, and made it seem like I was wasting potential if I didn't follow that path. I have also found that I struggle in an academic environment. i do well enough on tests, and have a broad enough knowledge base to bullshit essays, but it seems that no matter what I try, i cannot seem to be able to consistently turn in homework. and now in the college atmosphere, i am also struggling to consistently make it to class. i have trouble waking up in the morning, despite generally making it to bed at a reasonable time. and days seem so short to me. i wake up and its 9:30 or something, and i feel like i wasted the day already. and then i try to get ready for my second class since i missed my first one, but by the time i’m ready,  its 10:30 and class is at 11:15 and its a half hour to 45 minutes to walk to class from my apartment but if i ride my bike its only 10-15 minutes but its completely uphill to campus and ill be exhausted by the time i get there and by the time i get done thinking about this in my mind its 11:00 because what seemed like a 2 minute brainstorm turned into a half hour and now there doesn't seem like there is any way that ill make it on time so there is no point in going now and then  that feeling sticks around and I feel like there isn't any point in even trying today and then i miss the rest of my classes and its not like i do something productive or lazy around the house with my free time i just sit there and keep yelling at myself to do something, do anything, why are you sitting here you dumbass, at least go to the next class, boot up the computer and do your homework, hell even clean the dishes but i seem to fall into a directionless daze and then nothing gets done, its 9 pm better get ready for bed, if i get the sleep maybe this wont happen tomorrow, maybe i can turn it around but i just cant. it keeps happening and building up and now im doing poorly in my classes, im wasting time and money. and what really sucks is that i know that i can be a productive and active person. i have worked several jobs that have me up at early hours and long shifts, and I have no problem getting to them or working hard while i’m there. several of my previous employers have said that I was one of the best workers they have had. and before you think that money is the motivating factor, i have also volunteered for many different positions that also have early mornings and weird or long hours, and put just as much effort into them. so then this leads me to think that i should just drop college and get a full time job, but then i will have wasted the money and time i spent in college with nothing to show. i like working with my hands and doing things. i enjoy wood and metalworking, and would love to do more of either, even try to do them as a job, but I haven't done them seriously or often enough to be really good at them, and part of me sees them as more of a hobby than work, that i could never make enough to live off doing them, that i need to finish a degree to have any hope. that i’m just wasting potential. i just don’t know. sorry if you read this directionless rant, i just needed to get it out of my system

[tumblunni]

More daily acconplishment diaryness!

Finished unpacking and sorted my clothes into clean and need of washing. Dug out the old webcams i was too scared to use for years and maybe i will try em once i set up the computer again?

Cleaned all the mold out of the refridgerator even though it was GROSS AND SCARY. Woo!

Also finished about 1/3rd of washing every dish i own, which is good cos they were stacked so high i couldnt even see the sink before! I actually found a bunch of dishes i'd lost while i was cleaning up before i left last month. SO MANY FALLEN SPOONS! But i didnt have time to wash any of them so i'm sure they're glad to finally be disinfected and ready to use again. Some had gone rusty or broken and had to be thrown out tho.

Made a big A3 calendar for the next 3 months so i can try and be more structured in my life. Maybe it will work? I dunno about any sort of weekly schedule yet, gonna wait until i get more clarification on what days classes are available at the library and when i'm gonna be seeing support worker richard again and Mystery New Support Worker Who Is Replacing The Hospital Basically. Like they said i can indeed have the support without the mega supervised shared housing thing, so i'm gonna be meeting a new group of mental health recovery specialist tutors who can visit me at my own home instead of me going to the hospital full time. I'm actually kinda glad of all the horrifying lack of privacy in the hospital in one way, like i've always been terrified to invite people inside my house because of the same reasons. But now in the aftermath of EVEN MORE people up in my personal space and EVEN LESS privacy and AN EVER REVOLVING LINE OF STRANGERS who DO MEDICAL TESTS ON MY PEE, it seems a little less scary to just let the same support worker sit on my sofa every month. Im still flying on the fear of all that stuff and this seems positively pleasant in comparison! And i'm sure that feeling will wear off as i become less jittery again, but by then i'll have had some practise talking to this new support worker on my sofa and hopefully i'll be less scared in general.

Oh! And i did decide one thing about a weekly schedule! I have to go out to town at least once every weekend. Or somewhere else fun on the bus. Now im not scared of regular buses i need to train myself to be less scared of the big long one in this neighbourhood. And getting to go out and experience ACTUAL SHOPS and COOL THINGS has cheered me up so much, i cant lose that just because the bus is longer now! The first planned outing is to go to town either on my birthday or the day after, cos i get my disability benefit on my birthday and i can afford to go do some mildly small fun stuff. Shame i spent all my savings and monthly bonus on preparing for stupid hospital, like man i must have wasted 500 quid on all that? The laptop and the new suitcase and new clothes and stocking up on toiletries and soooo much preparing aaa. I still dont know whether to be mad at myself for "only" lasting three weeks or proud of myself for enduring the worst three weeks ive had since i lived in a homeless shelter. Well i got free food at the hospital so it was better in that sense, but it was somehow even more invasive and nervewracking than the homeless shelter! I'd honestly prefer the days of nothing but bread and butter. And hell we had internet there and i was allowed to bring my tv even tho it was a huuuuuuge crt thing bigger than my entire body. I still have it even tho its outdated and broken cos i simply cannot carry it back down the stairs XD

ANYWAY that has been the random progress of today! Next order of business is that tomorrow i go return all the library books from the other library, and just continue going out for walks more often even if im broke and have nothing much to do. Well at least the library has a gym in pokemon go! Also hopefully the internet repair guy will call back tomorrow. And then on friday is the B day and the having money again, so lol anyone have any suggestions on what i should do to celebrate? I dont even really know what people DO when they go out for walks, aside from.. Walk. Like whats an activity i could even do on my own, aside from cinema? And i dont think theyre still showing the incredibles 2 so there might not be anything else good to see. Sigh! And then all i've got to watch out for is the Integrated Autism Service meeting on october 17th which i know NOTHING about not even where it is or what time. Hopefully i can get more details now im back home and able to meet up with dj richard the funky support worker again. Also on november 5th i have to remember to go get my eye test. I hope maybe i can get a new colour of frames this time! And then i dunno sometime nebulous in between all that i'm gonna get a phone call from the hospital guys again to settle the last of the paperwork and introduce me to the new hospital classes support person worker mystery thingieness. Which is a little anxious, so i kinda hope it happens sooner rather than later so i can continue riding the wave of relief from being home and accomplish loads of scary things before it wears off.

...man that wave is kinda annoying tho cos now i cant sleep! Im so hyped up!!i already did so many accomplishments today and they just make me hyped up to do more!!! THE LONGEST GREATEST TUESDAY OF THE YEAR