#im literally crying rn but im trying not to
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pre-holiday leave crumbs
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#hey. if I give u a bottle labeled wine with somethin else inside. would u drink it#anyways. tomorrow I Travel#The Turbulance evened out alright! so the Traveling could no longer be postponed#three days on da road babeyy (<- shaking and crying)#goin to a market! I'll try to get a new kitchen knife there. will be better than whatever the fucks goin on in our kitchen rn#anyways. post-fic haze has settled in once again I am simply no thought. this will continue for hopefully five hours#until I gotta get up for car time#kinda whittling down the 20yo reki design slowly to get to a point where it feels Correct#20yo langa is already perfect. maybe to nobody but me but I stand the fuck by it#I believe in langa looking like a guy lesbians would hit on by accident in his 20s. I hold myself to it#oh yeah if ur asking. no that was not a cigarette in the first pic. sorry Im a tightass about smoking thats a lollipop#in my head its the pickled mango flavour that alpenliebe already made a hard candy version of here#hard sour candy shell with. chili salt core. it is good (?) but it hurts my stomach (I will not stop eating them)#also if u catch the acc name going outside the panel in the comic. its bc I could NOT leave it at just 'random white girl'#it has to be the full thing I cannot do this fake fictional twitter user like that#literally the only preliminary caution I take for funny comics. nothign else makes sense I dont care. this is necessary however#anyways. it is time for baku to be horizontal and shit. so here we goooo#have a good nite lads! idk what will happen in the next 3 days! will most probably be silent! and then dip pen comms will open again#eat well sleep well! two daysborday until labor day
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I know it’s already getting unbearably hot but who wants to come try and nap with both me and my heating pad anyway
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#it’s like a knight’s trial#having the actual worst period cramps of my life rn#and i’m Suffering with this heating pad#i hate being hot but jesus christ ow i need this to try to make my organs CHILL#and the worst thing??#absolutely NO ONE is here to cuddle with me#offensive#THIS. THIS is one of those situations where i KNOW the nap would be better with someone else😤#even if it’s just because then i wouldn’t be lonely lol#pls come nap with me and overheat and also listen to all my complaints - again OW - and love me anyway#my craziest fantasy🥵🥵#oh and also NO judging all my crying my period loves making me cry smh#im literally crying over nothing right now🙄 like it’s just a Thing™️ okay#im a CATCH#wait god the heating pad turned off for a sec#saw my life flash before my eyes when it started cooling down😓#crying even more now🙄🙄🫠#it’s going swimmingly very good like i said im a CATCH#🙃🙃🙃#sorry for all the tags idk what im even saying anymore smh#im gay and i like sleeping
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IM STILL THINKING ABOUT THE KITTEN
#im trying to work on ppu so much rn but literally EVERY TIME I TRY TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE#MY BRAIN IS LIKE#DUDE YOU WANT THAT CAT SO BAD#AND THN I START CRYING JSDFJSDF#text post#I DONT NEED 4 CATS. BUT I WANT 4 CATS. DO YOU UNDERSTANd?#technically one of the cats in my house isn't mine. she is my brothers but he cant have cats where he lives so i care for her#BUT SHES NOT VERY FOND OF ME#is it so bad that i want a cat that will actually cuddle me!!!#inky is not a lap cat. he is just a 'pet me now and then' cat#and dash is very selective about when its cuddle time#and when he DOES cuddle it's for a very short period of time#I JUST WANT A LITTLE BABY THAT WNATS TO CUDDLE ME OKAYY????#SHE WAS SOOOOOOOOOO CUDDLYYY
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Ah!!!!!!!
#sorry im having a lot a lot of feelings#the social worker person i started working for#today she checked in on me becauee i asked to reschedule our cleaning because of my kitty#anyway she called and was like hey whats the sitiation#and i told her and cried a lot and was like sorry im crying its just sort of default rn lol#anyway she was like we WILL be helping you#she is currently trying to get me in to see her vet#who is about 60% cheaper than the emeregency vet ive been using#and shes going to ask her friends who have money if they want to help me get my kitty to the vet#she wants me to keep being able to grow my business#and doesnt want this situation to set me back at all#im literally sobbing#she and her husband are literally the kindest people i have ever met#i just literally cannot be grateful enough to these phenomenal people and its making me emotional AF on top of everything else!!!!!
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repeating “jealousy is a disease get well soon bitch” in my head every time i block rude anons and delete hatemail so i can try to brush it off but i am not ur strongest soldier so can you all stop being mean 🩷 please
#♡.gabi barks#im okay i prommy (im crying rn)#like omg seriously what did i do!!!!! i dont do anything but mind my fucking business!!!! and talk to my precious little friends!!!!!! but#apparently i cant even do that bc no matter what i always get meanies in my inbox 🤞#like im seriously not doing anything i just came back and im already receiving asks telling me to kms and deactivate like do yall realize#im a person too.. like im literally real and i have feelings and im not a complete ditz#like what is so hard about treating people with kindness!!!!#ive spent all morning blocking mean anons and deleting asks and trying to brush off the mean words i see and receive and it hurts!!!!#im just a girl#if u send hate or tslk meanly to or about me im assuming ur a LEWSER and have no life bc i dont even do anything fr!!!!! im coolin!!!!!#i was gonna post this with the jealousy is a disease get well soon girl meme but i couldnt find it#anyway im fine!!!! (as im actively texting my therapist)#no bc im so upset and so angry WHAT AM I DOING WRONG#what am i doing to deserve this like please give me a valid answer so i can fix it im so tired of being sad and mistreated and bullied :(#i know i promised i was gna try to be more active but my little heart is so heavy and sad
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Feeling very emotional in the library today. I can't believe I hand in 4 years of my life tomorrow, it's like saying goodbye to a huge chapter of my life, a collection of very happy and very sad times. I will have finished 8 years of education, all culminating in the title Dr.
#literally trying not to cry whilst i work#get it together girl omfg#12 years if you include the 4 years of gcse and alevels#i always knew i wanted to be a doctor and to work in research#major eczema around my eyes rn#constantly looks like ive actually been weeping#turns out im wearing the stress hahah
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#ori.#ive woken up to the worst fucking cramps ever#like im about to pass out but also the pain is keeping me awake#this is a nightmare i want to cry#i only slept a couple hours like literally 2 lmao#okay im gonna try to sleep but everything is ripping me apart rn
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being mentally ill is so cool
#i cried the entire night because i felt unloved and abandoned while literally sleeping in the same room as two of my friends#who i have been hanging out with for the last 3 days#and i am full aware i am being looked after and cared about but currently i want to do nothing other than lay in bed and think about kms#and scratched the shit out of my neck somehow#it feels like a personal slight agaknst me whenever i dont get the right kind of attention and like everything is#sending me into a more depressed mood#and i dont want to bring anything up bc i dont want to kill the vibe so im trying to bottle it up but i know once i get home#i am gping to have a massive meltdown#and im thinking about how to prevent myself from launching myself from one end of the spectrum of 'best friends' to#'i never want to fucking hear about them again'#through no fault of theor own but holy shit im lkke going through it#i want to be held and cry and be told no im not an unlovable freak whos only at best second place or worse to everyone and everything else#bc currently sure feeling like absolute shit that is making me genuinely suicidal idk how to stress how fucking much i hate myself rn#sorry for posting it here i dont want them to see it if i put it somewhere else 👍
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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writing is actually an out of body experience that physically drains you and I'm feeling that first hand writing this fic good lord 😭
#mhie rambles#I have a love hate relationship with this fic and my workflow and like everything about it but okay#what did i get myself into#regrets of user mhiieee#frothing at the mouth crying physically weak feverish and depraved pls send help#THE VOICES (the ideas that keep coming in my head trying to distract me from finishing this fic)#mooties pls don't mind the mutters it's just mhie (me) being mhie shrug#I SWEAR IF IT FLOPS THOUGH#Tumblr istg pls don't fuck this up pls not this fic at least I'm literally praying rn#I HAVENT EVEN FINISHED MY SECRET SANTA STUFF BYE AND IM WRITING FOR ANYONE BUT WHO MY SECRET SANTA WANTS#I'm GATEKEEPING the fuck out of this fic like I genuinely wanna go ham about it but NO#this fic is special istg
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It's difficult dealing with so many people who think we aren't meant to be with eachother. I don't get why someone else's relationship can mean so much to bystanders. Can't you find something else to do?
#mine#yandere#yancore#irl yandere#yanderecore#yandere vent#yanposting#i just. self confidence can only get you so far. surrounded by people who are saying awful things wears me down so much#i hate them so much and i wish they never existed. its making me stronger supposedly but the only thing i feel like its actually doing is#making me violent and miserable and angry and nauseous. please stop saying those things about him#i try to block it out but its literally everywhere. this is all i have. this is ALL I HAVE. BUT IT DOESNT MATTER HUH#and it feels like theyre all against me. and the only thing i can do is cry and hate them more and more#and the only thing i can do is love him the most. but only by myself. because no one can comprehend the lengths i would go#and no one takes it seriously and appreciates that its the only thing keeping me sane and the only reason why im here rn#but then again. they dont matter do they?#i just need to permanently kill that part of me that cares what they think. because nothing else and no one else matters!! ok??
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rare therapy L today my therapist was like you are definitely grieving and she looked like actually sad for me the whole session, which bummed me out bc damn it just is that bad I guess. then I walk out and find out there’s More delay for the things I wanted to get done and it’s just like :,—) please no more please can I please just be happy please :,—)
#thinking about how I’m just going to be In The House for longer than I wanted to be#and it’s so fucking depressing I hate it here so bad#like I liked going to work bc it was literally like well at least I’m not here#…..and now :)))))))#and I have no fucking friends no social interaction#:))))))))))#im literally Not trying to die and shit like this starts giving me suicidal thoughts like are u fr rn#like on god why is it getting worse#like worse and worse and worse it’s so fucking insane actually#I’ve been so pathetically lonely this is going to drive me fucking insane#guess who’s crying again !#text
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Im going to kill like 10 different people if i hear another peep about payjay because oj ans paper interact in the trailoR IM GONNA LOSE ITTTT IM GONNA GO FERAL STOPPPPPPPP
#ii neg#payjay neg#URGHHHHH FUCK I HATE PAYJAY SO MUCHHHHHHHH#sorry mooties who love payjay.... but like.... i fucking hate it with my entire being..... block me unfollow me do whatever#idm#its just i am SICK and TIRED of everyone saying payjay or thinking payjay because THEY INTERACT LIKE TWICE IN THE TRAILOR#i am gonna CRY#love what you love it just makes me mad and angry and i just . i cant stand payjay rn. it infuriates me that it is THE MOST POPULAR SHIP#IT WOULD NOT WORK IN CANON!!!! OJ HAS LITERALLY USED PAPER MULTIPLE TIMES FOR HIS OWN GAIN#he also left him on that cactus in s1ep10 [even if he told him to.. wtf at least try to take him with you????]#dude paper did EVERYTHING for oj and what did oj do? give him some hugs and be like “thanks paper! i forgive you!!” and then go be ableist??#dude. bro.#oj triggered paper multiple times [s1ep11. s1ep13 [TWICE].]#he LITERALLY used him to win in the penultimate poll [even if paper said “nice idea!” how could he have known that he would be ok with it??]#dude. ok. i need to sit down.#i am geeking out#i am NOT ok rn i need to. i need to go do stuff.#ughhhh im sorry for the rantttt i just. i am VERY passionate about this#tldr fuck you oj and if i see payjay i will kill myself 40 times in my head over it#ghhhhgh
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#day 4 on bupropion#i need to vent. bc today was mostly decent. cause at least i could control my emotions and not cry at every little thing#but ended just as badly as i was feeling yesterday. i feel rly sad rn#when im productive i feel great but when im trying to relax? i feel like i need to find something productive to do immediately.#its like i need to do everything but i have no desire to do anything#im like. lying in bed at 2 am grieving my hyperfixations hard. been crying for the past 3 hours#bc i just cant sit down and enjoy anything without feeling like im forcing myself. and i already miss feeling things when i play video game#idk if i can do the 4-6 weeks of this before side effects normalize. everyone says it gets better#and even that is making me feel guilty bc it took me this long to get help and i already want to quit on my first week#i have an appointment with my dr on friday but fuck. the last 3 nights have felt like weeks. its so hard falling asleep.#it really doesn't help that this med is making me. stupid. i have about 10 seconds worth of memory before the thought is deleted#literally forgetting what i'm talking about midway through a sentence#but hey. at least my memory is so bad i cant remember what i did today and overthink every action. i guess.#and maybe tmi. but my libido is gone... like completely nonexistent now#some people literally take this shit to help w a low libido!!! but for me it is doing the exact opposite!!! what is wrong with my body#and to top it off i can't drink even a half cup of coffee without panic attacks. i miss iced coffee already :(#cant enjoy shit anymore and my adhd feels 10 times worse than it did before bc i can't sit still to save my life.#anyway im yapping so much but i need to because im feeling so alone#some side affects im getting r common and manageable but some are pretty uncommon and its hard finding anyone who relates...
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also was revisiting a little bmc bway interview ft. william last night & him saying his favorite part of the show was probably doing the agtikbi reprise scene on the couch at the party & mentioning the Nonverbal aspect of jeremy & christine's interacting / communicating there & a way of exploring/depicting Love & Affection in a way you don't always see everywhere and like aaaarghhhhh so true good lord that specific scene. and Again the bway obcr version Existing and being like that, it's just like. winded exhale yeah obsessed 5ever thank you all
#sooo true so true....#bmc#love putting it right in like the eye of the storm#both of them basically just having had these breakups & with jeremy that means mitb scene And [all of that A Time he had prior]#also now reflecting on how you know obviously he was Not ready to hear it w/michael & ofc he was affected by what all Just happened#but it's also like probably the worst time to be very pushy even with the best intentions & thinking it's Urgent & right abt all that lmao#but jeremy's Just had like whoops autonomy revoked ten ways to sunday from two different squip figures like#even [being correct! having jeremy's wellbeing in mind!] behind trying to yank him into some outcome; he's gonna be like Not Again#& ofc the sunk cost re: his squip & he has not had time to catch his breath like literally; not in a place to Confront Shit#if even his missed bestie is; from his perspective here; not at all comforting & not giving him what he feels is a real option....#& anyways ofc we can sympathize / understand them both b/c that's what the show is giving at all moments re all characters#all this to say like jeremy & christine like having such a time being very at sea very uncomfortable but then having This moment#and the refreshment & relief finally of having this successful genuine connection & relative security being with this person rn#love & affection for sure....just say what's on your mind....lord first of all that they improvise those Noises every night. i'm gonna cry#second of all imagining not knowing how that scene goes & the pause & jeremy like [augh] & then christine just Yes Anding. aaaugh#head in hands haven't even relistened for a moment despite all this reflection. the downtempo quiet reprise waaah#it's Pretty killer to sit & chat with you....it's pretty killer for me too....sooo true Not getting this everywhere always & Waaugh ;;m;;#and wasn't even thinking of it as a joke like [and talking about devote specific focus on the Nonverbal aspect of such a scene: im putting#my hands on the shoulders of that & keep drawing a deep breath to start talking abt it but instead going Whew & making Expressions]#i.e. the significance of my nonverbal response as per conveying emotions & thoughts lmao. and just....You Know
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