#im literally so upset lol. i better learn that someone else took them or like that they hid them somewhere bc wtf is that

[sweetsweetloverlover]

mourning the entire box of books from the 30s to 60s that were kinda falling apart but that i was going to bring back home but have apparently been taken already (not unlikely that they could have been thrown in the trash)

[hyukiee]

Chapter 7: Influences

warnings: heavy drug mention, cussing, if your uncomfortable with drug use i would stop reading this story NOW

at this point i’ll post when i post im sorry lol let me know if you want to be tagged though

“So do psychedelics really fry your brain?” Hoseok and Jimin have been bombarding you with question while they took a break from their practice. They really have never been around someone like you before. “Only if you do it a lot, many people do it once and never feel the need to do it again,” you will always have a soft spot for psychedelics. You’ve done them about ten times too many but you are a hippy at heart. “Hobi would actually be the most ideal person to do psychedelics, he’s very happy and open minded. I learned the hard way you really have to be in a good mindset for it.” “Wahh, that’s so cool I bet it’s a cool experience,” Jimin responded. It almost sounded like he wanted to try it, you should probably stop talking… the idea sounds fun though. Tripping with the 7 idiots. You absolutely love tripping with innocent ass people, it’s so much fun to watch but you don’t want to be a bad influence.

Psychedelics aren’t addictive though…

“How are you feeling today?” Taehyung asked hugging you tightly with his sweat covered body. “Mm, a lot better actually.” “That’s good, you look a lot better today as well.” “You really do, I thought you were dead when I saw you sleeping on the couch yesterday,” Jin piped in laughing like a window wiper. Taehyung got more and more comfortable being touchy with you around the members as time went by but it’s saying the least when you say you live with 6 cock blockers. Not even the lust inside you could keep your mind off the awful idea Jimin and Hoseok gave you. The usual you wouldn’t think twice about this but you have to admit you’ve gotten comfortable here. You don’t want to mess things up with the guys, ever. Well, maybe it could be a little secret between the three of you… No.

“So why were you so curious earlier ?” You hopped over to Hoseok’s side as he started walking out of the BigHit building. “Mm, it intrigued me, I think Jimin might actually do it someday.” He laughed shaking his head thinking about him. “Don’t you? One day..?” Hobi stopped in his tracks and looked at you. He looked up at the sky in thought before responding, “Maybe, I mean like you said, most people only ever do it once.” You felt like a terrible person right now. “I would love to do it with you, whenever you would want to… i’d be the best to be with actually.” Hobi laughed as he got into the van with you. “I’ll have to think about it.” “Really!?” Okay, maybe you shouldn’t of sounded that excited but really? “Yeah, I mean.. it’s just a one time thing,” He said giving you a small smile. “Do you think any of the other guys would want to do it?” “Oh yeah, all of them probably with a certain amount of convincing.” “REALLY!?”

Is it fucked up that you know exactly how to get the boys to do drugs with you? Maybe. Will it backlash? Probably. You already got Hoseok, Jimin will be easy, Jungkook will probably easily follow, then Hoseok could convince Namjoon and he can convince Jin and Yoongi. That leaves Taehyung. If you can manage your way into getting Taehyung to do it, your best hope would be getting everyone else on board first. You’re not really doing anything wrong, you want them to experience something awesome that shouldn’t hurt them. “Yah, y/n cut to the chase already,” Jimin teased you. You brought him and Hoseok into a room to start your mission, you were definitely stalling. “I kind of got an idea and thought it would be really cool if we all did LSD together just once,” you spoke quietly paranoid someone would walk by and hear you. “Ahh, I mean… it sounds pretty scary but i’m sure you got us covered … that actually sounds pretty fun,” Jimin basically thought out loud about your idea. Two down, five to go. “How would you get it anyways?” Hokseok asked getting a sudden realization that you are brand new to South Korea, you couldn’t of possibly found any drug dealers that fast. “Oh don’t worry, I can get that shit shipped easy,” Jimin gave you a look, silently wondering how you would know this but come on, it’s you. “By the way, how should I ask Jungkook?”

“Wah, isn’t that stuff dangerous? I mean, I don’t know what the hyung will think about it honestly,” Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck responding to the question fo the week. “Well, Jimin and Hoseok said yes,” “Really?” He responded kind of surprised, you weren’t the only one that didn’t suspect those two to be the ones to say yes. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting sober though?” He asked giving off a little suspicion. “I am, this one time won’t change that at all, don’t worry,” “Good luck convincing Tae that,” Jungkook laughed patting you on the back. You weren’t the only one that knew how impossible it will be to convince Taehyung either apparently.

The boys did you good convincing the others to get on board but now Taehyung is the only one unaware of the sceam that’s going on. If someone slips up before you get to him your screwed. He was out getting food for everyone so you were just impatiently sitting in the living room, pretending to watch TV. You kept looking at the front door before finally, your handsome man walked through the door. Yours. God, don’t fuck this up. “Hey baby, what are you watching?” He asked kissing you on your forehead before going to set the food down. “Ah, I don’t really know to be honest,” you nervously laughed. “Tae, can we talk for a bit?” You started to play with your fingers and shake your leg. “Of course, you have your doctors appointment tomorrow by the way.. for your medication,” You almost completely forgot about that. Which is kind of a good thing, drugs haven’t been the only thing on your mind recently. Maybe you should of fled the country a lot sooner. “So basically i’m scared to ask this but literally all the other guys want to do it and it’s 100% a one time thing we can all take it to our graves-“ “Y/n.. just ask,” Taehyung slightly laughed at your blushing face. “Would you want to do LSD with me and the boys, just once?” You couldn’t read his face. It’s usually really easy to read his face but right now you just can’t. “Even Namjoon hyung agreed?” He looked surprised, but not mad. “Yeah, it’s just once it could be a really awesome and spiritual thing to bring us all closer,” you spoke quietly still on edge about him getting upset with you. “Well i don’t want to be the odd one out… if you manage to get it i’ll do it,” he said patting your thigh with a slight smile. Did you just convince all of Bangtan to do LSD with you? You’ve reached a new fucking level.

“Guess who got her drugs, guess who got her drugssss,” you sang skipping into the dorm grabbing everyone’s attention. “What? The LSD or your prescription?” Jin barely made out with all the laughing. “Both actually smart one,” you smiled flicking Jin’s forhead. Today is Friday so it’d be the best time to trip with everyone. You’ve never prepared so much just to do drugs. You have all the playlists, pillows, and water prepared for today. You couldn’t sleep at all last night, you can’t remember the last time you were this excited to drop acid. “Okay, so everyone leave the living room so I can make the place a vibe because we are tripping tonight!” The smile stuck on your face almost felt like you were already tripping. “Really?” Jungkook jumped up showing his nervousness. “Yes and don’t worry, we’ll all have a talk before it happens. Now get the fuck out… respectfully,” You hopped over to Taehyung and kissed him on his cheek before pushing him away with the other guys.

“Wah, is all this really necessary?” Yoongi spoke looking into the living room. You basically made a big fort with everything they may need or want laid out nicely. The OCD deep inside you kind of kicked in but it looked fucking awesome. The boys came in one behind the other and everyone sat in a circle so you could give the whole run down of what to expect and just simply calm their nerves. You were so nervous your first time but it ended up being one of the most beautiful experiences in your life. You told them the Dos and Don’t dos as you passed out 7 colorful tabs of paper and explained what they’ll feel and for how long. “So we doing this?” you asked looking around at everyone.

“Fuck it,” Taehyung said looking at you winking. Your favorite phrase.

“Fuck ittt,” everyone repeated.

[aflower-exe]

The Night We Met

[a/n: oo this is a bit longer than usual so the author’s note is at the beginning. This lil collection of blurbs is inspired by The Night We Met by Lord Huron. If you look at the red words you can see that lol. Just an fyi the bold italic words are kinda a narration to the blurbs. Idk i had this idea while manic one morning and i refuse to change it. Anyways I literally wrote this at 12:53 am so enjoy and please forgive any errors.]

Falling in love while young can be a beautiful thing. So full of passion and romance and excitement.

It can start of so sweet;

“I had all of you come here today because we have an announcement” Lia said. Everyone at the dinner table was on the edge of their seat. A few of the people you knew but most of the faces at the table were completely unfamiliar. When you’d arrived, you quickly surveyed the room looking for someone you know to hide behind while Lia was busy.

After finding another friend of yours to chat with, you spy a tall dark haired man out of the corner of your eye. His crisp suit and regal posture sent chills down your spine. You did your best to look his way in hopes of getting no attention, but every attempt fell short. By the time you’d sat down, you’d completely forgotten about the savvy man. Instead, you focused on the news that your best friend and her boyfriend were eagerly waiting to unveil.

“We’re pregnant” Chen exclaims. “Well, she’s pregnant. I’m gonna be a dad!”

The table erupted with cheers. Of course you had already known. You were the one with your best friend in the bathroom as she cried over the two tiny red lines. But it was still nice to hear it out loud. The couple was young, foolhardy, and unwed but you knew their bond was stronger than anyone else's. You admired their compatibility and often envied their happiness. Nonetheless, you were happy for them. So you put a smile on your face and clapped and cheered like the rest of the lot

After the cheering and dinner were coming to an end, many of the guests found themselves congregating in small groups with friends old and new. In the midst of the mass chaos, you had found yourself standing alone in the corner of the room. Normally, you’d flock to your best friend, but she was caught up im the duties of a hostess. You watched her prance around the room eagerly accepting private congratulations.

“Is this seat taken?” You turn around to see a handsome looking man with a vaguely familiar mess of dark locks. At first, you were shocked that he would even look your way, but you shook off the brief moment of self-consciousness and tried to reply with a quip

“Well, I mean, there’s no chairs. So…” The confusion you felt had now transformed into amusement. His lines were cute, but you knew he could do better.

“Yeah you’re right that was stupid. Let me start over. I’m Chanyeol” Chanyeol stuck his hand out towards you, a lopsided smile planted on his face.

“I’m y/n” You said, taking his hand reluctantly. It wasas if electricity sparked from your hands as they touched His hands were large but seem to fit with yours perfectly. His lips were twisted in a wholesome smile. Gazing into his eyes was like looking into a warm cup of coffee and you swore you could get lost in them forever. At that moment it was as if stars had collided. You didn’t believe in soulmates before, but that was about to change...

And as you approach your lovers high you’ll seem unstoppable. It will be as if you could fight off the entire world with the power of your love alone;

“I can’t believe i planned a whole picnic and now it’s ruined” You frowned. You could see from the tree you were hidden under that your blue gingham blanket was now soaked and the food that you stayed up all night making was unsalvageable. “And then most upsetting of all, you don’t seem to care”.

Chanyeol only chuckled. “It’s only a little rain.” His response only deepened your frown.

When Chanyeol noticed your expression he tsked, “I think you need to learn to go with the flow.” Knowing you would give a cynical reply, Chanyeol chose not to wait for you to respond. Instead, he grabbed your hand and pulled you into the rain. You squealed at the feeling of the cold droplets colliding with your skin. He pulls your body flush against his and places his hand on the small of your back.

“Care to dance?” He asks, a playful smirk appearing on his face.

“To what music?” The lack of music didn’t actually bother you, but you were always eager to tease. You were ready with quips about how cliché the moment was when Chanyeol dipped his head down so that his lips were inches from your ear and began to sing. You didn’t know what the song was and frankly you didn’t care. You’re feet synchronized with the rhythm of his song and you began to dance. Suddenly nothing else mattered. It was as if you were the only people in the world. You closed your eyes and took in the moment.

It’s memories like these that you wouldn’t trade for the world. Even now….

But then it seems to turn around;

The tension had almost become unbearable. And it wasn't good, sexy, fun tension that Chanyeol and you used to have. No. This was different. It was heavy with guilt and anger and accusations. Being the mature adult he was Chanyeol decided to feign ignorance in hopes of avoiding the inevitable. Your subtle slamming of the door and passive aggressive glances, he could look past. But the silent treatment? That he couldn’t ignore. “Alright, what’s going on?” Chanyeol asks. He watched as you leaned against the wall and fiddled with your fingers, doing everything to avoid his eye

“Nothing” You responded curtly. Chanyeol knew you were lying. He knew everything about you. After a year and a half of dating, Chanyeol could point out every freckle, birthmark, and scar with his eyes closed. Though he loved to study your curves and curls, Chanyeol also studied your little mannerisms. At this point, Chanyeol suspected he could register as a y/n-expert. While he believed he was perfectly attuned to your every thought, as he stood there in the living room of your shared apartment he could have been more confused by you.

“Why did you even invite me to dinner if you were going to flirt with all the other girls there. And why were there even other girls there? What’s the point of going on a date with me if you’re barely going to speak two words to me” The words spew endlessly out of your mouth.

“Wait, are you getting mad at me for taking you out to dinner? Because that’s bullshit”

“You didn’t take me out to dinner you invited me to join you for dinner. There’s a difference”

“And why are you nagging me about talking to other girls? It’s my job.”

“Oh so now it’s your job to flirt with everyone?”

“Yes. I mean no. It’s my job to be sociable”

“Oh sure. Just like last week it was your job to go out for drinks with those girls”

“Exactly! See the wouldn’t be a problem to any sane person”

“Sane? So, what? I'm insane now?”

“Well right now you’re insanely overdramatic”

”And you’re selfish, egotistical, and have no regard for my feelings”

“Oh my god you are so much work” Chanyeol was on fire now. You always managed to do that: bring out the worst in him. And once it was out it wasn’t going to stop. “Sometimes...”

“Say it.” You seethe. You know you shouldn’t push him. You know what’s on the inside of that soft, caring exterior. But part of you is just as egged on as he is and you wouldn’t stop until you’d won.

“Sometimes I want to just leave. Take my shit and go. Sometimes I wish we’d never met.” Chanyeol knew he shouldn’t have said that. He knew as it rolled off his lips and he knew as he stormed out of the apartment. He knew it probably hurt your feelings. Not because it was mean, but because it was true. And he knew you could tell it was true. And the worst part of it all was that he didn’t regret saying it one bit.

While Chanyeol was out at who knows where doing who knows what, you had found yourself staring at your bedroom door, waiting. Usually your fights would end in glorious make-up sex, or passionate i-love-you-please-forgive-me-kisses. So you waited. You watched the door, waiting for him to come barging in, ready to take back the things he said. When your eyes got tired of waiting you let your ears take over. You jumped at every little sound only to feel slight disappointment when it didn’t end up being the sound of a turning door. You waited, and waited, and waited. Until eventually your tired body didn’t feel like waiting anymore. And for once, neither did you.

And as you come down from your high you’ll realize why love is such a dangerous drug. Because now that you’ve had a taste you need more, and that same old love just doesn’t do it for you anymore...;

In the beginning of the relationship when you two would fight, you could feel your blood boiling. You felt so many emotions. And now, as you aimlessly twirled the engagement ring on your finger, you felt none. Part of you was scared of what that meant. The other part of you knew. The well had run dry. You were out of patience. Out of cares to give. Out of love.

The Chanyeol you once loved was seemingly dead and gone and he was now replaced by a mature shell of his former self. Occasionally you could see the fun-loving, playful man you fell in love with. You could see it in his smile. You could hear it in his laugh. You could feel it in his soft touches. You could taste it in his lingering kisses. But once the smile faded, and the laugh subsided, and the touches stopped, and the kisses ended, the man you knew was gone like a ghost in the wind.

“I don’t think we should do this anymore.” You had finally found the courage to say what you had both been thinking. After months of “it will get better” and days of “maybe he’s tired” you finally decided it was time for your relationship’s timely end.

Though Chanyeol said nothing his silence spoke for him. He agreed. The room was quiet. And the only thing that could be heard, was your record playing in the background,, “Take me back to the night we met…”

Falling in love while young can be a beautiful thing. For you it was a beautiful thing: full of stolen glances and dances in the rain. But it was also full of missed calls, and slammed doors. See that’s the thing with young love. You fall in love with someone before they even know who they are. Before you know who you are. The two of you fell in love before you had the chance to find out what love was. When all is said and done you wouldn’t dream of taking back those moments. So while you may never again have the the feeling of Chanyeol’s hand in yours, or the sound of his laugh echoing through your apartment, or the taste of his kiss on your lips, you’ll always have the night you met.

[eightysixed]

snapped

It was lunch break when he got the notification, at first going unnoticed because he was sitting outside with Duncan and Krista in their usual spot. The sun beat down on the three of them as they ate the wraps Krista got for them from the 7-Eleven, that and the lemonade. He tuned out of the conversation at hand, some plans Kirsta was making for Bonnaroo or something, to check on his phone.

[ 1! new snapchat ]

As he unlocked  his phone, he shielded it in view from the other two. Being a snap from Gaby, he was probably wise to do that. But it was unlike their usual snaps. Sat in the backseat of a car, she was strapped in next to two other girls. The bar caption underneath it: road trip with the bestiesss.

Confusion was the first emotion, wondering if she’d sent it to him by accident. It was set as her story too, once he pulled out of their chat and noticed as much. He contemplated not answering anything at all, but that would be rude. Then again, she had been rude. Torn this way for a couple of seconds, he settled for sending a chat her way instead.

tyson hey gaby🍒 haha hiiii tyson what up gaby🍒 not much u? tyson work lol gaby🍒 oh right haha tyson yeah

It was fucking weird, this. He wanted to say as much. But what else could he really say that hadn’t already been said? There was nothing else. Months ago, she told him to meet at Carousel. It started out friendly with drinks, and then turned ugly. A perfect storm of the worst proportions, him telling her that he was basically seeing someone now and her saying that she wanted more than 3am booty calls and nothing else. She presented her case, how she thought they really could be something, if he only gave them a chance — hell, he was almost convinced for a second. But no more than that second. He stuck to it, she got upset, she stormed out. Now, he just wanted to ask her what the fuck all this was, but how to do that without coming off hostile? A task.

gaby🍒 just saying hiii is all tyson kinda weird but cool lol gaby🍒 what i can’t say i miss u? damn :( tyson kinda weird after how u left yeah but nah it’s cool ig gaby🍒 i was jk chill 😛

Tyson wondered if he read that right. Why were girls like this, he wondered. You could never get anywhere half the time with them because you never knew what the fuck they meant. Life would be so much better if they just said what they thought and meant it, but of course, that’s not how things went in life. It never went like that in life. Playing games, they all liked to play games. 

He left Gaby on read and pulled out to the main screen of his snapchat (handle: bonghitter). Unopened items there were plenty, a video, and messages from two other girls. For a brief second, he contemplated deleting the app entirely, before that notion slipped from his mind again with Duncan grabbing his attention. He put his phone away and went back to lunch.

***

Later that night, somewhere in between hallucinating an earthquake in his and Tierney’s living room (he was completely sober, so that wasn’t a factor), and picking up an unidentified number that didn’t answer down the other line, Tyson found his evening going funny. Almost like he’d stepped into an alternate dimension. He wasn’t on any of Sulley’s edibles though, so what was going on? Maybe this was that psychosis that was setting in that Jude had warned him about (though he can’t remember why Jude had told him it would, they hadn’t been sober then). If it wasn’t an earthquake that had shaken the floor just now, what could it be? Did some fatty whale of a person fall directly outside their door, making the ground shake? A possibility. Oasis’ infrastructure wasn’t the strongest.

Then he got a new snapchat notification. 

From her. Again.

He braced himself for the worst, opening it, and surely, there it was. A half-clad Gaby in mirror view, the usual ‘hey’ postscripted by that unholy black bar that was strategically covering up places that normally, he’d want uncovered. It was clearly some hotel or motel room, and he could probably guess the next that would follow, if encouraged. But all he felt was a faint wave of disappointment. Nothing else. Old Tyson would’ve sent her a ‘where’s the rest’ message, no questions asked, but not this one. He was angry and not sure how well he downplayed it, maybe not well at all.

tyson ?? gaby🍒 what? haha tyson why u actin like this gaby🍒 like what?

Tyson mumbled an expletive under his breath. He was an argumentative person, sure, he loved to debate, talk until the cows come home about the right subject. But this was his least favourite type of confrontation, and he’d rather be doing anything but this, literally anything.

tyson you were the one who said okay we’re done u stormed out the bar u did that remember? lol gaby🍒 ohhhhh that look i wasn’t in a good place then okay? i’m sorry :(

Tyson said nothing, a sigh escaping his lips. Starting to get angry now and not even sure why. He’d always had it good with this girl, but outside of whatever they did in bed (or on a couch, or in the shower), there was nothing. And he wasn’t exactly interested in anything she had to offer right now. Or anytime in the future. It was borderline ridiculous to think or believe, and Dom would probably ask him if he was okay and not sick, but there it was. He thought of the right thing to respond, but before he even could, she sent through something else. A Bitmoji. Hers hugging his. 

tyson okay apology accepted but nothing’s changed with me meant what i said then still stands now gaby🍒 you’re still seeing someone? tyson yea gaby🍒 oh okay just thought something changed my friend saw u tyson where? gaby🍒 at santa monica on the pier u were with some girl tyson jfc that’s my best friend’s babymama she came w/her kid to see him gabriela i’m tired i’m seeing someone rly can’t do this gaby🍒 okay tyson have a good night

The last reply back took the longest time coming through, but when it finally did, there was no more. Relief. Was he off the hook? Was this it? He waited for more to come, but it didn’t. Maybe he was off the hook. Maybe she’d come around again in 3 months. Or 6 months. Or a year, who knows. Maybe she’d find someone and stop snapping him. He hoped she would. As he was thinking these things, maybe five maybe ten minutes having passed, he got a new notification. 

gaby🍒 my friends say you suck btw tyson LOL okay

Now this was funny. Though still a little infuriating, he thought as his brows pulled together in both confusion and dismay. Girls, when would they learn that no meant no? He was about to all but toss his phone aside, leave it on the bed to go back into the living room, when one more came in. 

gaby🍒 sorry im a lil drunk...

Now that he would leave on read, and hopefully there would be no more, and that would be the end of that. She really wasn’t a bad person, Gabriela, deep down he liked her. As a person. But it ended there. He was about to go through with his toss-the-phone plan and shuffle into the kitchen to see if a bag of takeout had magically materialized on the counter, be done with this chapter for good, when he got a new notification. With dread he glanced to the top of the screen, but a smile picked up on the corners of his lips when he saw who it was from.

Jude: holy shit dude you need to check this out… [ http://absoluteepicpranks.com/monkey-flaming-motorcycle.htm ]

[eunheefmd]

Hey guys, I’m definitely not a newbie here lol it’s Kim (Guanting’s mun) and this is a revamped version of my old muse, Eunhee. She’s had a lot of revamps and she’s had a lot of FC changes, but I think this version of herself is the best one yet. If you’re interested in any of her plots, you can find them HERE and if you see anything you like, you can click that heart bottom in the bottom righthand corner of this post and I’ll shoot you an IM! And before I forget, you can check out her profile HERE! And if d*scord is easier for you, add me! My ID is chungha's foot stool#9502 (yes I’m trash for Chungha, don’t look at me)

She was born in 1995 and was the only child for the first few years of her life

Then her brother came along

Her parents neglected her in favor of her brother, who did acting as a child (I’ll be sending in a wanted connection for her brother, so if you’re interested he’ll be a ‘97 liner or younger!) 

While they neglected her, she learned how to fend for herself and started developing talents of her own

She asked her music teacher to give her private singing lessons after school, and that went on for about four years

They weren’t aware that she could sing until she asked if she could audition for record labels

She was almost immediately offered a spot as a trainee at her first label, and her parents were shocked when she passed the audition, but signed the papers allowing her to become a trainee

She didn’t really speak to them during her time as a trainee, and only called her brother every once in a while when she knew her parents wouldn’t be around

Her trainee period was a very.. interesting time. This is where Eunhee developed the brunt of her cutthroat attitude. She was already a little hard hearted due to lack of attention and love from her parents, but seeing just how intense and difficult training could be only heightened that. If you were a trainee that she liked or didn’t pose a threat to her debut, you were okay in her book. The others? Not so much. She fought tooth and nail to get her spot in Wish, and a few other trainees grew to not like her. She would put on the best possible act for trainers and other BC employees, but not so much to her peers. Did she care? Not really. She was there to become an idol, not make friends.

She trained for nearly six years before she finally debuted as a member of Wish. As a whole, Eunhee enjoyed being an idol and loved performing. There was nothing better to her than receiving so much love and positive energy; not to mention, the attention she received. Being the leader and main vocalist of Wish came with a lot of perks and being apart of the biggest girl group in the country opened so many doors for her in more ways than she ever could have imagined. She got plenty of opportunities to get her name and face out there, to build up a brand of her own away from Wish. Almost subconsciously, she found herself going above and beyond to outshine her group members. She firmly believes that as the main vocalist, she’s the best singer in the group and, as she would put it, ‘the voice of Wish’.

The more successful Wish became, the hungrier for fame Eunhee became. She wanted more, and she never hesitated to ask BC for more. That was how she was introduced to what became her second love; acting. She wasn’t trained in acting, but with Wish’s popularity, she received love calls from different production companies. At first, Wish’s management team were hesitant to allow her to go for the role in the drama ‘Evergreen’. It wasn’t uncommon for most idols who tried to cross over into acting to be met with a lot of criticism and wariness. A lot of people assumed that idols only received acting roles because of their popularity, and that them being cast in dramas and films only led to real actors and actress being denied opportunities. 

In the beginning, all of those worries fell on deaf ears for Eunhee. She was determined to do it. Just like she did with her idol training, she put as much effort as she could into preparing for the role and her audition. Whenever she wasn’t busy with Wish, she was working with an acting coach. An acting coach that she hired with her own money, of course. Behind the backs of BC’s team, because she didn’t want them involved and she wasn’t sure if they would even allow her to seek someone out on her own accord. 

The acting sessions turned out to be helpful. She was by no means a magnificent actress, but she wasn’t terrible either. She was just good enough to land a supporting role in the drama. Of course once it was announced that she would be making her acting debut, she didn’t receive as much support as she would have thought. She assumed that she would at least have Wishing Wells as her support, but as it turned out, many of them were against her pursuing an acting career. They didn’t want her to focus on anything other than Wish, which was upsetting, to say the least. It did throw her off a little, seeing so many people against her solo endeavors. It didn’t help that she was met with quite a bit of covered hostility her first few days on the set. The other actors and crew people weren’t necessarily mean, but she could feel the distance and slight coldness between them, which took some time to blow over. 

By the end of filming for ‘Evergreen’, Eunhee discovered that she liked acting. Not just liked, but loved. Being able to step into the shoes of someone else, even if that person is fictional, appealed to her creativity. She could take a character and interpret it in her own way, which was a plus side to acting. Being an idol didn’t allow nearly as much free will. The reactions to her acting debut were rather lukewarm. Some people praised her for being better than they thought she would be, while most said that her talent fell far below the acting abilities of her cast members. 

Those were the comments that got to her the most. Eunhee liked to consider herself to be rather confident in her abilities and uncaring of the opinions of others, but she knew deep down that was not the case. She craved acceptance, approval and attention; three things that she never got from her mother and father. 

So she kept working on her acting. Trying to improve her skills more and more. When she received the opportunity to audition for another supporting role in another drama in 2019, she jumped at the chance. It was her time to prove herself as an actress. She didn’t want to be seen as one dimensional. She wanted people to see that with her second drama. Even though the second time around wasn’t much better than the first, she did receive a few more praises than the last time she tried acting, which she took as a good sign to keep pushing forward with that career path.

Unfortunately with her being so wrapped up in her schedules for Wish, she can rarely find the time to pursue other avenues. But will that stop her from pushing for her own solo work? Definitely not.

Despite her shortcomings, Eunhee is a VERY good friend. Loyal as all hell. And she loves her members to pieces, even though she tries to upstage them. 

Fun Facts!!

Hates the fact that Wish are attacked for lipsyncing when literally every other group in the industry has lipsynced at some point in time and will at some point in time in the future. Because of that, she’s very aggressive when it comes to Wish’s performances. She’ll make the members sing their songs while performing the choreography over and over again so they’ll learn how to pace their breath and build up stamina to sing live. Has definitely gotten into arguments with some Wish members because of this.

She loves to cook and bake!! Let her fatten your muses up

Out of the closet nerd. She loves anime and comics and all that good shit and she’s not afraid to admit it

A huuuuge supporter of the LGBTQA+ (as well as a member of it). Definitely the one who suggests LGBTQA+ literature and movies on vlive. 

Can be lowkey crude, although it’s not really like?? outwardly crude. The type to make dirty jokes that people don’t pick up on as being dirty until a few seconds after the fact.

She cried when she had to get her hair cut for her first drama role lol 

[yimmick]

man. i gotta put this somewhere so. (vent)

you know im trying really hard to get past the break up so i can stay friends w ex. i don’t want to cause any drama by talking about it but staying mopey in my head isn’t the best thing either. the ppl i would usually talk with.. well we’re in quarantine and i’m not a very good texter. i literally can’t talk to my ex about bc who does that. so a non disclosed third party aka in the the blogging void of the tumbles it goes :p

ive been staying off gc for a while to give myself a lil breather from whats been going on + me being stressed/depressed as all hell from like. a variety of reasons. i didn’t let ppl know so i hope ppl didn’t think i dropped off the face of the earth or anything.. it was kind of an ass move of me but idk.. i still needed it. i want to start coming back but im awkward as all hell but well. it should be fine i feel like im well known for disappearing unfortunately lol... when i decided to mb start coming back i immediately learned that my ex was dating someone else and tbh i could’ve guessed from the start that it was going to happen as much as she denied it. i knew it and i fucking hate that i was right. it feels awful.the day i found out was when i was finally finished with my hell week pt 1 too so i was expecting to finally chill out and start replying to ppl and thats the first thing i find out so like. lol. i wish i was over her already bc i thought i was getting there but as soon as i saw that i reverted. the whole break up processs im upset @ myself for bc i totally just shut down... instead of acting like a normal person and getting the proper closure i think i cried on her bed for like 30mins how... embarrassing is that... .. back then she said she wasn’t looking to date during college anymore and i took that at full face value but of course she was saying that to let me down easy. i know i know i know back then the jealousy i was feeling wasn’t unwarranted... i don’t even know what to feel like. i LIKE her new gf&her friends and i wish i could get to know them to but like for me it feels like theres this barrier of my ex between them and i don’t feel super comfortable interacting with them anymore. the fire stuff was honestly rlly interesting but i should probably leave the club since i don’t feel very comfortable anymore in there either. it probably is not a great idea to force myself in a position to interact w ex + new gf when im not ready at all.

i know i wasn’t great at the beginning w me not replying at all but man the first two months were great. i still miss it even tho i wish i wouldn’t. the last month was awful ive never been more dysfunctional before. we both told each other that we want to be friends and on some level i still do but rn with her dating the exact person i knew she was going to date again even thinking about interacting w her feels awful all the while i miss doing things with my friends.ikik ik they’re a better fit for each other too. i know. but i can’t help but feel like shit all about this. she did the same thing beforehand: broke up w her previous partner a month/two later, start dating another partner... i know 3 months wasn’t even that long but i guess since it was my first relationship it really meant a lot to me. she meant a lot to me & still does and sometimes i catch myself thinking back to if i did ___ right maybe we would’ve stayed t gether longer/she would still want to be with me but god, what an awful way to think about things. i don’t want to linger in the past like that and just hurt myself. i guess the pain rn comes from the 1) jealousy confirmed right 2) she’s moved on a long time ago 3) going to lose a friend/friend group? i don’t know. i just can’t bring myself to talk the gc more since they were her friends first. but the more i stay out the more i isolate myself. i really fucking don’t know anymore about what to do. i wish i could just talk to her straight abt all this fucking shit but i don’t think i can bring myself to message her and i don’t know if she’ll want to deal with an ex’s insecurities lol. not good w emotional stuff. its not her responsibility to reassure me but in some petty way i want her to recognize just a little bit of how shitty that was & how shitty she acted in the last month as vindication. it would be nice for me to feel straight anger just once instead of trying to make it go away all the time. but man. i miss her as a friend so much. i want to just go play a latenight game w/ her again playing thru fc and just sending her posts she would like was fun. i miss it. idk if i can go back until i can really just get over myself anymore but will we even be friends then? i really don’t know anymore. fuck complex issues xoxox

[strayology]

About me tag ~

Rules : Answer the questions and tag 10 people

tagged by my fave kachuuuu thank youuuuu

(yeah i haven’t been on for a while,, i’ve been busy with school and i’ve been kinda feeling sick being on social medias but oh well what else can i do for past time?)

1. How tall are you?

I stand a wholly 162cm or 5′3″ (yeah i have always thought I was 5′4″ but I remeasured and I was 5′3″ ;-;)

2. What color are your eyes?

black like the deep dark abyss of a black hole :’)

3. What color and style is your hair?

black,, it’s straight and I style it a couple of ways depending on my mood or outfit. most of the time I wear it down or in a ponytail

4. Do you wear glasses?

yep i do,, sometimes I wear my prescriptions color contacts because my outfit looks better without glasses lol

5. Do you have braces?

nope never did, but surprisingly my teeth are really straight??

6. What’s your fashion sense?

I usually go for more of a sporty or girl crush style. I like wearing loose fitting clothes that are baggy and long (especially on the arm but my arms are so long so sometimes its hard to find stuff that are normal length for the body and long sleeves for my arms) but once in a while i wanna feel cute so i wear a dress or skirt or something, but I feel like i can’t move freely in those lol

and I do tend to dress more in a korean style (apparently that’s the reason why a lot of people have mistaken me as korean)

7. Full name?

ummmmmm... I guess this is the first time i’m admitting on here that my real name isn’t yumi...??????

but it’s,, Yumi Yee

8. When were you born?

October 24th, 2001

9. Where are you from and where do you live?

I was born in the US but I grew up in China and i currently reside in the US 

10. What school(s) do you go to?

As of right now i’m in a 4-year high school, but I also go to a career and tech school for my computer science classes

11. What kind of student are you?

ehhhhh the one that procrastinates but still tries to get work in on time. i mean i dont really like doing my school work for any classes i dont like, and I would procrastinate as long as possible and still meet the deadline. but for classes i like i will try my best to do work right away and perfect it (which usually make people call me a try hard lol)

12. Do you like school?

i mean i like it when i get to see my friends and learn about subjects that actually interest me and let me have fun in

13. Fav subject?

math, chemistry, foreign language (I took spanish), and computer science

14. Fav TV shows?

I don't watch a lot of shows but I watched The Office couple months ago and I love that

15. Fav books?

The Percy Jackson series (although I haven’t finished it oOps), the Paisley Hanover series, and i like quite a lot of poetries (I’m still reading some from these books I bought a while ago, but once I finish i will see if I wanna recommend or not)

16. Fav pastimes?

cooking/baking, reading chinese comics (I recently got into them and they are sooooo good), listening to music, watch youtube, online shopping, editing (sometimes), mess around with the html codes on my blog, and sleeping

17. Do you have any regrets?

bwahahah way too many,, but if those events never happened in my life I probably wouldn't be who I am today

18. Dream job?

being a translator or any jobs dealing with computer science (mainly web designer)

19. Would you ever like to be married?

i mean yeah, but I have never imagined my own wedding or anything but I do know I wanna get married at 28???

20. Would you like to have children?

yeah,, again i’ve never really thought about this because all ive been thinking about is what kind of job i want or how i’m gonna live with my friends or s/o after college

21. If so, how many?

maybe 1 or 2

22. Do you like shopping?

OHHHHHHH HECK YEAAAAAAAAAH,, i seriously think I have an addiction because i always wanna go shopping and I constantly want new clothes or go to the mall in general. and even if I dont get anything at the mall I like to try on different outfits and take pictures in them

23. What countries have you visited?

Well I didn’t really visit these countries but I did live in them,, China and the US

24. Scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?

literally every one of my dreams I remember is a nightmare lmao

I mean this dream isn’t really scary because it didn’t scare me that much,,

(BUT IM GONNA PUT A WARNING RIGHT HERE BECAUSE I DID TALK ABOUT BLOOD SO IF YOURE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT SCROLL PAST THIS PART NOW)

it was around when I was 8 years old. it was in my old house, and I was sleeping in my room and I woke up alone on my giant king size bed (yeah I used to sleep with my mom for a while because our room arrangements got messed up) nobody was home because I didn’t hear any sounds, but i saw on the wall that was next to me was starting to drip blood. I wanted to go out of my room to see what was going on, so I stepped out and saw the house was empty, and all i heard was loud dog barking noises. I was terribly afraid of dogs so i ran back into my room and yeah the blood was still dripping but i woke up right then

25. Any enemies?

oOps I have too many of them. I’m the kind of person who kinda knows what I want from a friendship, and also knows what I don’t want. So if I see anyone who has any of those traits I dont want I end my friendship with them right then and there. and if someone who i see is being rude, then I just remember who they are and never try to be around them ever

26. Do you have a significant other?

nope and probably never will :’)))))

27. Do you get along with your family?

for the most part yeah, I mean my parents and I argue once in a while over something stupid and I'll just avoid them for like 2 days to a week. but my siblings and I are super well now especially because they all posted something about us on national siblings day when I thought they wouldn't lmao

28. Do you believe in miracles?

I think I do,, I am a huge believer on luck and stuff. so yes I do believe in miracles and I think miracles do happen

29. How are you?

well today is easter and I was supposed to go on a date, but it got canceled last minutes and I’m kinda upset about it since I was dressed and all. but I feel bad for being about upset because the other person might be actually in medical danger so I tried not to think too much about it by doing photoshoots outside my backyard and i think I may or may not have a potential for stay selca day 👀 (I haven’t done a selca day since maybe october/november of 2017,, and it was an igot7selcaday)

tagging: @jxsng @hwangwhatjin @hwanginthere @sunflowerseungmin @honey-innie @jinniesmeow @wangjyunhao @ughh-m @fluffylix @hjsracha 

Of course youre not obligated to do this if you dont want to !!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Hi!! So this is an honest question so i hope it doesnt come off as rude or anything- but doesn't the thought that everything you post here can be reblogged make you more reserved or anything? Idk how to explain it but whenever i wanna post something here i think about doing it for a super long time to be sure i want it to possibly be on the internet forever- but i see you're comfortable with sharing pretty personal stuff so i was just wondering if it affected you any way or maybe it was just me?

lmaooo it’s cool!!! there’s an unending AMA going on here and off the top of my head i can’t think of anything off-limits to ask about

it’s definitely not just you!! out of the ppl i know off the top of my head i’m probably really far and away doing the Most airing my bullshit. if you ultimately don’t like the idea of stuff just kinda sitting around to be seen by Anyone, that’s valid and there’s no problem with feeling like that makes you wanna Not Post some stuff

like this is especially true for young teens on the soche media…hell i just entirely threw out the blog i’d had from like 14 -18, and not because i was particularly embarrassed or anything, it just felt mostly obsolete. you can become someone so different in even one year and that’s fine and you might not want Old Venting and the like just sitting around out there. it’s definitely okay to be real private about that kinda stuff

i know sometimes ppl having sorta Compromises where maybe they’ll create a second blog / account specifically for talking abt personal stuff, and then only maybe allow friends (or nobody) to access it; or people will just tag everything with Delete Later and then go back and delete it later so it’s not out there forever, or just because they find it embarrassing soon afterwards lol

for my part, there’s definitely multiple reasons i pretty much don’t care

1. i never used to Vent post back in the early days. but one of my earliest examples maybe was this sudden essay i dumped on my blog when i was 16? 17? abt how unhappy i was at home. it took me till i was 18 to really start to realize that what i’d always lived with was literally abuse, and it was things like The Sudden Venting Essay that really helped me put it all into words and be able to organize my thoughts enough to write about it and realize that there was a lottttt of shit i was rly miserable about2. ever since then really i’ve found that when i write about something, whether messaging it to someone or just posting it in general, a ton of times it helps me kinda make connections or figure something out or just feel like i have a better grasp on an idea.3. even after i started maybe doing the occasional venting post, for a long time i was really hesitant about it, but this was mostly b/c i felt like i didn’t have ~real~ enough problems and/or nobody would really care. as for the former, well yesterday i was saying how i still have this underlying feeling that i’m an imposter / don’t count / not REALLY as ___ as other people or whatever, so i’m still working on that, but it definitely doesn’t upset me as much as it might back in the day. re: the latter—tbh i dont care if nobody cares. i write abt personal shit b/c i care. my entire blog is About and Because i care, and if other people care, great, if they don’t, ok.4. a lot of this is about having compassion for myself. i don’t look down on other people for making personal posts, so i don’t look down on myself, either. 5. more self-compassion: there’s probably olden text posts from the early days of this blog that don’t even sound like me coz my Outer Demeanor has changed a lot these past 5 or 2 or 1 yrs. but even if i stumbled across some Old Post of mine and was like “lmfao whats up w THIS loser” it’s like….well, i’m sympathetic to my Earlier Selves. this applies to like, me never deleting Late Night Sad Posts or whatever (even tho nowadays they’re never exactly like i’m upset, maybe just Melancholy or in a mood to talk abt something saddish) coz i’m like, well, even though rn i don’t feel like i Need this post, back then i did feel like venting to feel better! and that’s fine. i don’t find that embarrassing. it’s like if you’re thirsty on one day and you drink some water and at some random point during the next evening when you’re not thirsty you think back on that time you were drinking water and you’re like “wow, embarrassing.” well clearly its not a perfect analogy but the point is sometimes you might feel you need to talk, and sometimes you don’t, and both times are ok. its not an embarrassment to have been upset6. this blog is the most personal thing in the world for me lmao its my Main social media presence, goes back five yrs, and for like. well the whole five years its been what keeps me from being way more isolated than i am. irl friends have been long distance this whole time (save a couple exceptions) and mostly my way to talk to ppl has been on here. this was especially important when i was at my parents house for a couple yrs. it was fairly awful and being able to be in touch w ppl and being able to SAY it was awful was clearly important, and i became more inclined to write abt shit rather than hold myself back b/c my being able to say anything was important7. i still talk about things b/c being able to say anything here to people in the outside world is important8. i can’t be like “i cant talk abt this b/c its not important/interesting enough” coz if i did i wouldn’t talk abt anything. i just write b/c i have things to say, and this is my pointless blog9. i don’t expect i’ll ever become Well Known in any circles. for me the more likely concern is kinda disappearing either due to dying or incarceration or some other shit scenario. the times i talk on here are good b/c that hasnt happened yet and i have the option10. even if i did become well known, i don’t really care.11. also for uh…all the times i was living in my parents house thru my life i was really really isolated. for eons i was used to nobody knowing shit abt me and keeping p much all my thoughts to myself. nowadays this blog is what lets me be able to sorta Known and Seen and able to get in touch w ppl if we wanna. basically, there’s nothing TOO personal. i’m not even trying to push myself to “overshare” coz like i said, p much nothing is offlimits. i’ve just had a lifetimes worth of being very invisible and unknown to anyone12. actually i can still be very cagey abt myself in person. learning to be more open On Here is a bit helpful for that. 13. idk that anyone else would give a shit about old vent posts from me either. when i talk abt me im talking abt *me*, its really not even vaguely interesting when removed even one degree from that specific context. 14. maybe there’s the chance some shit will happen to be Relatable to other ppl and somehow helpful to them15. for example, a lot of how i realized i was actually experiencing abuse for real was thru anecdotal / qualitative posts abt it. sometimes there’s shit you think is Just You only b/c nobody else who it applies to is talking about it yknow16. maybe making it seem less a big deal to talk abt your bullshit if i unapologetically talk abt my bullshit17. i remember my younger self feeling like i didnt ~deserve~ to talk abt my own thoughts & feelings the way other ppl did coz mine weren’t as good, so i kinda do it for them / in celebration of no longer feeling that way18. i actually like to talk. i just usually can’t. irl i very very very very rarely talk at length about myself, i don’t talk much at all. for me this is where i get to talk19. hmm i may have skipped or forgotten something obvious but hey. for now, there’s this. no-limits milo they call me

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

What’s your impossible?

1:06pm

So, like literally for the past month or so I’ve been without a job. I didn’t want to go back to being overworked at BigLotto where they overworked cause I didn’t set any boundaries on what I would and would not do or when I didn't want to be on shift. Because I was desperate. 

And looking back...thats kinda how I was with my relationships and friends. It was nice being reassured to give my all to someone or something, but still it wasn’t enough because what I was doing for that job, that person...I wasn’t officially happy with it. I was ok. I just kept saying “I’m ok”

But I’m not. I said I could handle it, and even at the retail jobs I worked for minimum wage, I was ok with getting some amount of money. It was as if as long as I’m getting paid for it and I get time off, we cool.

But, I've been doing that for the past five years....

I had no idea I had been doing customer service for that long until I had to redo my resume one good time.

I was like fuckkkkkkk, bitchhhhhhhhh.

We need to change. I can’t live off of retail jobs. My back hurts enough as it is.

So then my mom and dad has been pushing me to “go corporate, go corporate” cause that’s what they have been living off of to support my family. Corporate salary jobs or managing auto factory lines. 

Sorta like get in where you fit in.

But as I’m scrolling through these jobs.....most of these corporate propaganda jobs I don’t really care about. They’re fucking boring. I’m just looking for something that doesn’t tire me, stress me out with bullshit, something that I’m ok with getting paid for, and pays me well so I can buy my loft that I always dreamed of getting. You know..consistent money.

And then I watch this guys TedX after I searched on YouTube “how to find a longterm full-time job to commit to?” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpe-LKn-4gM “How to find and do work you love by Scott Dinsmore.

I thought wow, great excellent speech, great pointers. I even took notes. 

But then I thought “how am I gonna get my loft by doing a community garden, building houses, making organic goat soap and milk, raising chickens, making an urban farm, building cheap, portable housing for the homeless, cbd, singing and writing music, traveling to other countries, teaching art classes, teaching therapy sessions, helping animals, building art installations, dancing/singing theatre, party planning, organizing community events/cultural festivals, inspiring others to think healthy, positive thoughts, design clothes, paint masterpieces, building art installations, blowing glass, welding metal, making pottery and windows, constructing furniture, build a cafe, make an adult playground, marriage counseling, and selling therapy bible study books out my renovated living van?” 

“I’ll probably need a lot of money to start?”

He asked what inspires you and a lot of shit came up....sorry.

He said “What do you think is your impossible? Push past that limit. What do you think you can't do? What did others say you couldn’t do?”

And then I just thought “Bitch, just pick some fucking baby steps. You do too much.”

I’ll probably have to live on some lady’s farm in Oregon to learn how to raise chickens and goats Lol. But if that’s what it takes, so be it.

Better than climbing up a corporate job ladder to be a marketing manager about products that actually hurt people. I hate sales and I hate being forced to put a smile on for shit I don’t care about. 

It’s like when mom used to make me wash dishes and ask, “You got a problem?” 

No, I just don’t see how me cleaning up after you and your kids because I live here is supposed to help me grow into an independent adult. I told you I wasn’t thinking about kids at age 12, so why start now?

“Shut up and fix your face.”

Nahhh....I think I’ll start somewhere else Corporate America. I need a job that’s gonna teach me how to accomplish my dreams. Not keep me down to where I can’t make them happen on the weekend because of my 40 hours a week of boring. Sorry, its just not for me.

I would rather live in a cabin in the woods than to force myself to care about something that isn’t for me or that Im just “ok” with.

I never truly understood why mom would come home so pissed and frustrated at me about her job. But then I realized, she had me at 22 during her last year in college, didn’t want to tell her job that she had a kid, but was a factory supervisor for years while we were in Florida. And then they closed the plant and she had to move to Mississippi. She was depressed and I didn’t know it. She would always tell me “Sometimes you gotta do things you don’t wanna do.” 

After she told me her job made her depressed, I said “then why work there?”

She said “dont you want me keep buying all those new clothes and games?” 

I said “I’d rather see you happy, than depressed, sad and upset. I don’t care about those things. Cause You’re more important to me.”

And then she quit.

Pray for me y'all. I don’t wanna go down that path my momma went down until it was too late.

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

[mysplaced-pen]

Heyo~ Its Stars Anon here ! Like I said yesterday, todays request is gonna be kind of an angst one (???) So, how would the RFA + V + Saeran help MC get out of an unwanted abusive relationship? Sorry if its a bit much but I crave angst mk. Anyways I hope you have a good day/night ! Be safe and stay positive ! (Lolol thats becoming my catchphrase i guess) -Stars Anon

Stars Anon, I like,,, really like this request. I don’t know why, but I got so excited when I read this. i think its cause i need to practice my angst so let’s go! (⌐■_■) look its a V emoji

thanks for the daily request! good night/day to you too, and stay safe as well!! (i think it is lol

this got hella long;;; EDIT: but i rly liked this one so..i took off the cut...whoops

 v and saeran are here!  [tw: violence, abuse, language, unhealthy relationships smh] 

zen

zen was highkey upset when they learned that mc was taken already

but as long as they were happy, well, he was too 

they did grow close, though! the two of them were good friends

zen actually met the person mc was dating 

they seemed nice and seemed to have a connection to mc

but he’d be lying if he said that it didn’t hurt a little

mc’s date mate kissed them in front of zen once and wow did that sting  

but one night, zen heard a knock on his door. and he was so confused because it was past midnight

he opened the door to find mc, crying and with a developing black eye 

automatically brought them inside and had them sit on the couch

“mc! are you alright? no, that was stupid, what happened? who hurt you?” 

they can’t answer through their tears at first so zen kneels in front of them and wipes them gently 

“take your time..i’m right here, mc. you can tell me anything”

they manage to choke out that their date mate hit them during a fight

zen was shocked. their date mate did that? they hit mc? 

what he wanted to do, was get up and punch mc’s date mate right then 

but he focused on mc first. pulled them into a hug and offered them to stay the night 

once they stopped crying, zen brought them an ice pack and some tea

zen told them they had to get out of that relationship, but mc refused at first 

“mc. they hit you.” “I know zen, but I can’t leave them..I shouldn’t even be here right now. oh my god, this is all my fault-”

“how is this your fault, mc? babe, you did nothing wrong.” “Don’t call me that! Please..don’t” they yelled that first part, which surprised zen 

he was about to ask, but there was a bang on his door 

mc yelped, sitting back on the couch. “they found me…” 

oh now zen is Angry. he opened the door and found mc’s date mate

“I know they’re in there! Give them back to me, right now. I wasn’t done with them.” mc is shaking in the back

zen, however, stood his ground. “how about you fuck off. mc isn’t going anywhere”

they punch zen (!) mc yelled out for him when they saw him stumble back 

zen is quick to recover though and punches them in return, harder. 

he manages to get them out of his house, but goes back to mc with a face worse than theirs

“zen! you shouldn’t have done that, I’m so sorry!” 

“they won’t bother you anymore, mc. you don’t have to apologize.”

“but-” “how about instead of apologizing, you stay with me instead?” “…i’d like that”

yoosung

yoosung was happy just having mc as a friend, at first

but then he developed a crush on them, which would’ve been fine and all, but they were already dating! 

he thought he was cursed for a few hours tbh 

unlike zen, yoosung never met mc’s date mate, but he’s heard stories 

mc smiles every time they tell those stories, so he tries to smile along with them, but it’s hard

and it was getting harder, but today was the day yoosung was supposed to meet mc’s date mate. he was going to go over to mc’s so they could all have lunch

when he got there, however, they were arguing.

“why do we have to have his kid over? I’m sure he just wants to get in your pants. And you’re gonna let him, aren’t you?” an unfamiliar voice. “of course not! yoosung is my friend..” mc’s voice 

“you don’t need friends! you’re dating me. I’m all you need, you whore” 

ok yoosung hates language like that, so he knocks on the door

mc’s date mate spoke again. “fuck off! you can’t have them, they’re mine.” “i’m sorry yoosung, maybe we can reschedule?” “reschedule my ass”..yoosung kind of lost his patience

he takes off his hair clip and picks the lock wow someone’s a badass

the door slams open and he can see mc flinch, but their date mate stands up

“mc is coming with me” and mc tries to go over to yoosung, but their date mate pulls them back over “take them from me, if you can” they smirk

yoosung knows that he probably can’t fight the person, but there’s something else he can do

no one is exactly sure how this happened, but now mc’s date mate is laid on the table, with yoosung holding them there 

“let me say this again. mc is coming with me.” “yeah, ok, sure dude.” 

yoosung lets them up and goes to take mc’s hand, but then the other person tackles yoosung instead

“yoosung!” mc yells out, running after the two of them, trying to get yoosung free

they eventually do get him off and mc slaps their date mate(ex date mate now) 

they run out and when they’re far enough, mc tells him that stuff like this has happened a lot..

yoosung hugged mc and kissed their forehead, “it’s over now, ill protect you”

jaehee

jaehee knew that mc was dating someone else, but that was fine, jaehee just wanted mc to be her friend, anyways. r u sure jaehee?

things were just fine! they all got along, everything was fine

until, out of nowhere, mc started hanging out with jaehee less

by now, they haven’t hung out with her in going on 2 weeks

jaehee gets a little worried, so she calls mc

and they pick up! but she can hear…sniffling?

“hey jaehee, sorry I haven’t been over lately” “I’m more worried about you, mc….is everything alright?” “oh, yeah! everything is ok, just..i don’t think i can hang out with you anymore, im so sorry-” 

and then mc hung up. well….that was weird

jaehee had a feeling there was probably more to this than mc let on

so she decided to head over to their place to check on them

but they weren’t there. their date mate’s house, then.

jaehee knocked on the door, mc’s date mate opened it and crossed their arms. 

“what do you want?” “is mc here?” “that’s none of your business” jaehee raised an eyebrow. “as their friend, it is a bit of my business…so they are here” “even if they were, you can’t see them.” 

jaehee takes a step forward, mc’s date mate doesn’t move. “mc?” she hears a little noise from inside. oh, they’re in there.

“you can’t keep them in here.” she says. “watch me.” they answer

“I won’t let you.” jaehee says, “i’d like to see you try.” they say in response

and then they spit on jaehee’s face

she wastes no time at all and literally flips them out on the ground outside. jaehee walks inside and picks up mc, leaving

they go back to jaehee’s apartment and she wraps mc in a blanket with hot chocolate 

“mc, love that person did not deserve you. and no one can keep you from doing whatever you like, okay? i’ll make sure of that now”

jumin

mc’s date mate showed up to the party

mc was talking to jumin while they walked up and pulled mc’s face over to kiss them

jumin found that both odd and unneeded, but he didn’t understand couples

he also found himself a bit…jealous? except he wouldn’t kiss mc that roughly in public..

so it was already off to a bad start 

things got really bad, however, when mc’s date mate decided to interrupt an rfa meeting at jumin’s penthouse

they made a ruckus. the guards were having trouble because it seemed like they were throwing a temper tantrum

mc stayed quiet when the others asked if they wanted their date mate to come in, so jumin decided to check it out

when he found mc’s date mate with his guards, they were drunk. it wasn’t even one in the afternoon. 

“you fuckers give mc back to me right now.” they said. “do you need them for something important?” he asked. “yeah, I need some sugar. now.” 

jumin han is…disgusted. and could only imagine how mc felt. 

“we’re in the middle of an important meeting. if you could wait for-” they cut him off. “i don’t wait! i’ll have mc whenever I damn well want mc.” 

and now, jumin han has a little brain click and he is angry

“hm. well, you can’t have mc at all anymore.” he tells the guards to take them outside, as well as one or two other things

but, of course, this drunk asshole decides to punch jumin first 

oh, now it’s only fair. jumin punches them back, and they are out. thanks alcohol

the guards are surprised, but he tells them he’s fine and to do what they’re told

he comes back into the meeting room, everyone but mc really surprised

*clears throat* “i’m afraid i ran into mc’s ex..but they’re taken care of”

707 / luciel / saeyoung

oh, this one knew about mc’s relationship alright

and he knew that their choice in significant others wasn’t the best 

he also knew that they needed to get out of that relationship asap 

but how to tell them that discretely?

turns out, he didn’t need to. 

he got a call from mc, which he answered right away 

“seven? can you give me a ride?…and stay on the phone with me?” “of course”

he put it on speaker, hopped into one of his babe cars, and started driving over to mc 

he heard their argument over the phone

“you’re not leaving, mc.” “yes I am! I’m done with you cheating on me! i’m done with you acting like you’re sorry about it and then doing it again!” 

saeyoung was proud of them for that

“but, babe…you know i love you, i couldn’t live without you. i’m nothing without you.”  mc made a sound, one that sounded like they were believing that

“that’s bullshit, mc. and you know that. i’m almost there.” he said 

“don’t listen to that stupid redhead, mc. i’m in love with you…you’ve helped me with so much..i’m getting better, love”

saeyoung was two minutes away. “i…seven, hurry” 

he pushed the gas harder. “be walking outside.” 

he could tell mc was doing what he said, they were moving. “let go of me!” they yelled, presumably because that ass was holding them back.

seven pulled up, got out of the car, and took mc’s bag, using it to hit their arm off of mc. “watch your back, okay?” was all he said before taking mc with him

when they drove off, saeyoung took mc’s hand again. “thank you for calling me..” they sighed, wiping a tear away. “i knew you could take care of me..”

[sensitivitysensitivity]

books i read summer 2018!

so, here’s all of the books that i read over the time of like, end of may to august, including my star rating as well as a short synopsis and a brief little paragraph about what i thought about it while i watch comedians in cars getting coffee. don’t read my reviews if you don’t want ANY spoilers. the reviews aren’t spoilery, it just has some hints to the end and such. 

i. the hate u give by angie thomas

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

the hate u give is about a young african american girl named starr who is present when her childhood best friend is tragically murdered in an unwarranted act of police brutality, and how she finds her voice and the strength to speak out about the matter of police brutality with the support of her family and friends, as well as finding out who her real supporters are.

i adored this book with every last bit of my heart. the characters are absolutely hysterical, as well as strong and inspiring. i even loved starr’s stereotypical white boyfriend (who is being played by KJ Apa in the film adaption coming out this year and i literally yelled). i loved the way the book incorporated social media and such without making it seem as if teenagers are simply media obsessed. it really showed many different perspectives and sides to arguments that make you think, as well as inspire you to stand up for something you believe in.

ii. emergency contact by mary h.k choi

★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

emergency contact follows two college students who are seemingly lost in life, dealing with issues in their respective lives, who meet under strange and awkward circumstances, and take a liking to one another and start a friendship that consists almost entirely of text messages as they help one another through their woes of life, and develop feelings for one another cause yanno its a YA romance.

i didn’t NOT enjoy this book, but it wasn’t my favorite. i found penny’s character kind of annoying, and really rude sometimes, and i didn’t really love her dynamic with any of the characters, including sam who is the guy she is texting throughout the book. i really liked how realistic it was, kind of giving a real look into how life works i guess? i thought sam’s storyline with his ex girlfriend was incredibly dramatic and unneeded and it frustrated me, and the end of the story literally wasn’t affected at all by that storyline, it was just not needed. at all. like the ending was like cute and sam was cool but it was just kinda not as good as everyone online said it was. if it would’ve ended differently it would’ve gotten two stars lol.

iii. every day by david levithan

★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

every day is the story of a genderless character that goes by the name of a, who jumps around from body to body every day into the life of somebody else, but they meet a girl, rhiannon, while in someone else’s life and they fall in love with her, and they then spend every day finding ways back to her

that was real hard to explain okay, but i really, really enjoyed this book. i found some aspects a little repetitive and it took some time to get to the point, but it was such a sweet story, and i loved getting to know each of the characters that a used as a host, and i enjoyed figuring out which characters that i liked more. i also liked the slight thrill of the kid who is trying to get a caught, as well as the ‘reverend’ who has the same condition as a, but learns to control it. i usually don’t like an open ending, but i liked this one since it implies a goes away to find out how to control himself and get back to rhiannon. overall i enjoyed it, and it was fun to read and get to know the characters, but i gained nothing from reading it because the ending was open and it felt like there was no actual point. i don’t know it was good.

iv. play me backwards by adam selzer

★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

play me backwards is a really freaking weird story about the misadventures of leon who finds out his childhood girlfriend is possibly going to come visit, and is pushed down a rabbit hole of weird tasks he is sent to do by his best friend stan, who apparently is actually satan, such as finding the white grape slushee, date a popular girl, and listen to the full audio book of moby dick, all the while spending almost all of his time at the run down ice cream shop he works at. honestly that’s the best i can do the book is super freaking strange?

the weird thing about this book is that i actually really enjoyed reading it, and i actually really liked the character of leon, but i genuinely had no idea what the hell was going on the entire time. he was just kind of running around, like messing around with his girlfriend he didn’t like, thinking about some british girl, and being a lowkey satanist. like i have no idea what the point was, i honestly don’t even know what it was about. leon was a relatable character and he was funny, and i enjoyed his point of view, but the book was bad. the idea sucked and i felt like i was wasting my time reading it. but i had a fictional crush on leon and the ending like kinda forced itself into having a point, even though it was a stretch, so two stars only for leon. but i liked it. i don’t know. 

v. eliza and her monsters by francesca zappia

★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

eliza and her monsters is about a young girl, eliza, who writes/draws a world renound web comic, monstrous sea, but remains completely anonymous except to her three best online friends and her family, but then she befriends the new student at school, wallace, and she finds out he is that he is the most popular fanfiction writer for her webcomic, she finds it harder and harder to keep her secret as she falls in love. 

so i read this book in ONE NIGHT. it was really good, and never failed to entertain me. i couldn’t blame eliza for falling in love with wallace cause girl i did too. he was such a cute character and so were her internet friends, and so were all the characters and i loved reading all of the little snipits of the webcomic, it was just adorable, and their love was adorable, and it was just adorable. plus it really puts a nice look on mental illness, and im not talking about eliza, wallace had extreme anxiety and it was very real and i really appreciated it. took away a star because eliza pissed me off on multiple occasions and i found her annoying a lot. other than that rEally great. 

vi. i’ll give you the sun by jandy nelson

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

i’ll give you the sun is told from the perspective of twins noah and jude during two very separate periods of time in their lives, jude telling her story at age sixteen and noah at age thirteen, as they go through life, and falling in love, and family secrets and tragedies as the grow apart and back together.

okay so i didn’t know how to explain this without spoiling it completely, but WOW i loved this book. i genuinely couldn’t decide if i liked noah or jude’s story better, and finally decided on the answer being BOTH. it was so good, so emotional, noah and brian made me sob and so did jude and oliver, and i loved the characters and all the revelations they had and im just rambling and i feel like im making no sense but jesus, this book was amazing and the story was just so absolutely amazing. not a single flaw in this book. absolutely amazing OH ! MY ? GOD! absolute favorite of the summer.

vii. the absolutely true diary of a part time indian by sherman alexie

★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

the absolutely true diary of a part time indian is the critically acclaimed novel about a teenage boy, junior, who had many medical issues who lives in an indian reservation, but decides that he is destined for greater things and decides to transfer to the “white school”, and he faces many challenges such as finding his place at this school and the backlash of the other members of the reservation. 

it was very difficult for me to like this book, at first because of the fact that i read it for school, but then ONLY for the fact that i found out about the sexual assault charges against the author, and im so upset i bought the book and essentially supported the author before i was aware olf that, but that doesn’t change that i had to read this for school, and that i actually liked it. it was very aware of racism and a lot of racial stereotypes and provided very raw experiences and the drawings were fun to read. i don’t really wanna go on cause i don’t wanna praise it too much, but i took away a star cause sometimes i found it repetitive and some things simply didn’t have a point, but i liked it. 

viii. a semi-definitive list of worst nightmares by krystal sutherland

★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

this book tells the odd story of esther solar, who believes her whole family is cursed by Death, and whatever fear that cripples them throughout life will kill them. but the curse is threatening the life of her twin brother, eugene, she decides to face every fear she has written down on her list of things she must avoid so she never has to face the curse herself, with the help of an unlikely friend, to lure Death to them and reverse the curse. 

so that summary probably little to no sense at all. because the book itself is so difficult to explain, but i actually really enjoyed it. it took me a while to read it, but i loved it. esther was a real character, with so many real flaws, and her ‘friend’ jonah who helped her overcome all of her fears, really brought out the best parts of her, as well as bringing light to the nature of abuse. the book dealt with a lot of real problems, such as mental illness, and does it in such a lovely and sensitive way, but without holding back, as well as showing someone who seemingly had no hope, get better, which i find amazing. the only reason i took a star away was because so many parts dragged on and i got bored sometimes, but overall, it was a great read with so many great characters and it was very whimsical and enjoyable!

ix. crazy rich asians by kevin kwan

★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

crazy rich asians follows rachel chu and her boyfriend nick young as he brings her home to his ‘crazy rich’ family that he hasn’t prepared her for at all, and essentially don’t approve of her, as well as it follows everyone in nick’s extended and immediate family as well as some family friends and their extravagant lifestyles as well as all the drama that comes with being that freaking rich. 

okay i adore this book. it was absolutely amazing, and i could barely begin to tell you all of the amazing characters and storylines, each one more interesting and intricate and extravagant than the next. i loved the representation, and accurate representation at that, of the asian culture. it was just great. other than being somewhat hard to follow at times with the constant perspective change, i loved it. the movie was rlly good too lol. 

x. the kissing booth by beth reekles

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

the kissing booth is the absolutely dreadful story of a young girl, elle evans, and her best friend, lee flynn, as they plan a kissing booth for their high schools fundraiser (for what? i have no clue) and elle ends up kissing her best friends older brother, noah flynn, and by a strange turn of events they fall into a forbidden (because lee makes the rules ig) romance. 

really ended off the summer GREAT with this one! it sucked, it was horrible. there were actual, typos? in the book? it was incredibly sexist, literally making elle seem like a piece of property, and theres MULTIPLE occasions of sexual assault that is glossed over. in fact, the best friend lee assaults her (slapping her butt without permission) and when someone ELSE assaults her he says “no one is allowed to do that but me” thats reason ENOUGH. it’s gross how they both try and control her, and its honestly just bad. the story is all over the place, and it feels like a wattpad book, because it literally is, and i payed six dollars for it. so the jokes on me ig.