#im never gonna be able to actually transition im just gonna me a fucking miserable shit till i die

[miraclemaya]

.

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

i just wanna say im happy to see you and other transmasc people being happy as yourselves because I'll never be able to feel that joy myself. im too ugly and fat and too femme to be a real transmasc person/boy so im gonna go cry myself to sleep again cos all the media i want to enjoy makes me dysphoric as all hell but i know ill never be a real transmasc person or real trans person or real boy who could be a boyfriend to a boyfriend or anything. ik this isnt really an ask and im just ranting. i really am sorry you have to listen to someone so miserable and pathetic as me, a stupid cis girl who hates herself more than anything and wishes she could be a boy but will never be.

but im happy for you, truly and sincerely. i wish you and all actual trans people all the joy and happiness you could ever ask for and more.

Sweetheart okay listen to me and listen to me good, okay? I love you and it’s going to be okay and if I was there with you irl I’d be hugging you really hard rn, ilysm and it’s gonna be okay. 

You’re not too ugly, you’re not too fat and you’re not too femme to be transmasc, okay? 

Because, and listen to me closely, there are no requirements to be transmasc other than being transmasc. Full stop. 

You don’t need dysphoria, you don’t need to get surgery, you don’t need to fit conventional beauty standards, you don’t need to be thin and skinny, you don’t need to be masculine.

And if you wanna be a fat femme transmasc fucking go for it!!!! You don’t have to be skinny and masculine to be transmasc, you can be transmasc. If you want to, you can be trans.

You can be transmasc. I want you to say that to yourself, say it out loud or whisper it, say it in your head if you want. You can be transmasc. You are allowed. I promise you.

I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t fit the requirements for being transmasc but I promise you you are allowed to be transmasc, you are allowed, sweetheart if you want to be trans you can go for it. Be trans. Ily.

Yknow what? I want you to stop saying that right now. “I’ll never be a real boy” that is absolute bullshit, okay? You can be a real boy if you want to. You can be a real boy.

You can be a boyfriend and I promise you you’re not as unloveable as you think and there is someone out there who will love you for who you are, okay? 

Don’t apologise. Don’t apologise don’t say sorry don’t apologise for existing and struggling. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, okay?

You can be a boy. If you want to be a boy you can be one. Go for it. 

And I promise you love you can feel the joy and happiness that you have seen trans people feel. 

I know what it feels like, I know it seems like hell, I know the days when the dysphoria’s so bad you can barely bring yourself to move, I know what it feels like and it is hell. But I promise you it is only temporary, okay?

The trans community is here for you and there are so many people who will love and support you through your journey. And gender euphoria and transition (if you want!) and satisfaction with your identity and boyhood may look unachievable at the moment but it is real, it is close and real and near and possible. It is possible.

If you want to talk more, feel free to DM me on my main blog @quillsink. 

And it does turn out okay in the end. I promise, it seems like hell right now but it does get better, it really and truly does. I love you.

[dog-teeth]

is there anything you wish you had known before starting T? are there any effects that you dislike? sorry if this is too personal, i'm just trying to make sure i'm making a good decision. i'm agender but i want to present more masc but i'm scared that i'll end up hating the effects of T even though there are some things that i really really want from it. also, i love your art!

no worries im honestly fine with talking about almost all transition/gender related stuff! im gonna talk (p non-explicitly) about sex and body stuff so i’ll put this under the cut

there aren’t any effects i dislike. when i started there were things that i was very nervous for because i thought i would hate them but ended up loving them. i prefer almost everything i experience on hrt, or i don’t care about it, so for example i LOVE my voice now & i love the way T makes me feel emotionally (both physiologically and psychologically), but i don’t care about having facial hair because i always shave it but it’s not that much of a hassle and sometimes stubble is cute. i don’t care for the body hair either bc i was already basically as hairy as a cis man pre-T, i even liked my old leg hair better because the texture was less coarse. the only thing i like better not on T is sexual sensations, but honestly i dont have sex so it doesn’t matter lol. i was v scared for bottom growth and was certain i would hate it but it actually rules i love it (i don’t love that i need like three times as much lube now tho cuz ur ability to naturally lubricate goes way down) also this was one of the most uncomfortable changes at first cuz it makes the clit very tender and sensitive and it will rub against your underwear and be really uncomfy with friction, so make sure u have soft underwear and loose pants. sorry for talking about my genitalia but tbh there is nowhere near enough information about trans bodies and its one of the least discussed aspects of hrt.

however, i was not always this content with taking T! it was a rocky start! there’s nothing that bothers me now, but when i was first starting, a lot bothered me. i was SO sweaty for NO reason, my voice HONKED like a third of the time i opened my mouth, i was VERY ANGRY very quickly, and i was so so hungry!!! snacking forever!! all of these things mellowed out over the first few months, i’m back to not sweating very much and being able to speak like a human person and my anger is actually significantly more manageable than it was pre-T because it comes and goes easily which means i no longer fester deep frustration and anger all the time. i think my appetite leveled out but it’s still higher than before, i gained a couple pounds but it wasn’t a lot.

i don’t want to pressure or sway anyones decision to take hrt, but i would say that your body and mind are so very capable of adapting to new things & even if you end up not liking some parts of hrt you will be able to deal with them and move on, and most of the things that are nerve-wracking end up being fine. its super super scary to try taking hrt since so much is permanent changes to your body. but you can always take a low dose to make the changes happen slower, and like i said you get used to things way easier than you think you will.

i was really really really scared and uncertain when i started T, but i’m so glad i made the jump to do it! i could never have imagined how much it would improve my life! there were so many things i was terrified of - doing irreparable “damage” to my body, regretting it, being read as male, certain specific physical effects, etc. i also didn’t know anybody irl who took T, just my beautiful lovely trans woman friend who started E years ago while we were friends, so seeing her go through the process inspired me a lot. we r both so sexy now like we were sexy before but honestly hrt has made us unstoppable & i love it for us. i definitely couldn’t have done it without her support. i’m getting off track, my point was that i didn’t know anybody on T so i couldn’t see firsthand what it was like, i was basically my own experiment, and it was so scary. but eventually i reached the mindset of “i’m so fucking miserable and something needs to change and i’m not 100% certain it’s this but i need to try because i can’t spend the rest of my life wondering about it and if i do end up hating it i’ll just fucking deal with it from there” i would def recommend being more certain than i was but i do think theres a lot about hrt you just wont know how youll react to until it happens. above all my fears, i just wanted it, and all my fears were very surface-level (what if i hate my body [i already hate my body] what if i hate how people percieve me [i already hate how people percieve me] what if it makes me miserable [i’m already miserable] what if i regret taking it [what if i regret not taking it or i miss out on an opportunity to be happy] )

i cant tell you if T is the right choice for you, but i can tell you that i also had fears and uncertainties before starting, and that if you do end up hating it you’ll be able to adapt.

[fox-steward]

hi. i hope you don't mind me asking this but i need some advice.

i was born female, and ive always been a tomboy, sometimes in the most stereotypical way. i was also a little lesbian who didn't know it yet. but after my younger sibling came out to me as trans, i started second guessing everything about myself.

for the sake of my sibling, who im closer to than anyone in my life, i learned about what theyre going through to support them and ended up getting taken in myself. i consumed all the yaoi and gay fanfiction they did, i read up on all the identities that were within the trans umbrella and eventually i started to think i wasnt a girl at all, but my infact a feminine transboy.

i never was able to transition on account of my family but the growing inner hate i felt for myself made me want to because deep down I knew that no matterr what i said or believed, id never be the cis gay boys i, essentially, fetishised and craved to be. it made me miserable, but i wanted to be accepted so badly that i stuck with it. but then i fou d your blog and others like it, and reading through it, whole reevaluating myself made me realise how misguided my mindset was.

despite realising that me being a tomboy is perfectly fine, i cant help but cling to that idea of being a boy, even though i have no idea what it means to "be a boy" or "feel like a boy". all i know is what the media portrays boys, feminine boys and gay boys to be like, and i clung to that idea for so long that i believed it to be my identity.

i just wanted to ask, if i can, how can i get over this mindset? i feel terrible because my younger sibling still identifies as trans without a shadow of a doubt, and my questioning of myself makes me feel awful, but i also feel bad because... i dont know who i am really now. how can i just be me again?

sorry this is long. any advice would be very very much appreciated.

it sounds like you’ve been through it, anon. whew! i just wanna acknowledge what a mindfuck you’ve been through, and it’s normal to feel no so great.

i actually think you’re grieving, strange as that sounds, but hear me out. being female is not easy, being a masculine woman comes with its own set of challenges, and imagining yourself as a “gay transboy” was an escape from all that. you could imagine a future for yourself where you grew up to be a gay man, not a gay woman. it’s worth noting relationships between men are the only sexual/romantic pairing that isn’t party to misogyny within the relationship itself.

it’s intoxicating to imagine we could have that ourselves, huh? it happened to me too, and i’m not even actually attracted to males at all, i was really just seduced by the idea of a relationship of equals.

but this. is. a. fantasy. one we as female people can never achieve.

so you’re grieving the vision you had for your future. your grief doesn’t care that the thing you promised yourself is impossible.

you’re undergoing another shift in the way you see yourself, the way you imagine yourself moving through the world. that’s hard, anon. being a tomboy, while absolutely lovely and perfectly fine, can be really difficult in our misogynistic society. it’s like that dworkin quote i’m about to butcher—something something absolutely excruciating to be fully aware of the misogyny all around us. you get the gist. and she’s right, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

so idk, i don’t have any specific advice, but i do know a lot about grief. with grief, you gotta accept you’re gonna feel shitty for a while and absolve yourself of the responsibility of ~fEeLiNg HaPpY~ for now. i’m being flippant because happiness is a mirage anyway. we get pricks of joy, moments of brightness or laughter, flow and contentment, enjoyment, pleasure, and these fill in between other moments of discomfort or monotony or tedium or malaise or or or. and if we’re lucky we are aware when the good stuff is happening, so that we can pause and say, gee this is nice. and if you get enough of then and you’re aware enough as they’re happening, perhaps you can tie it up in a bow of hindsight and call it contentment.

tangent, sorry. practically, keep yourself busy and tire yourself the fuck out, tbh. when my wife left, i started just going and doing things, anything i didn’t actively NOT want to do. dancing, concerts, art class, bike ride, walk a friends dog, cooking class, sit in a field and listen to music.

just do anything. i know it’s hard during covid, but it isn’t so much WHAT you do but THAT you do. take the field example—you have to travel there (that kills time!) and maybe you walk or bike (that is physical activity) then you do the thing you planned to do (takes more time) and you have to travel home (more time and activity) then you have completed something you set out to do (an achievement/free endorphins).

i also took up running when she left (tire myself the fuck out) and that changed so much for me. with grief, rumination and sleeplessness plagued me; running took both those out of the equation. so my sleep improved, i got stronger and my cardiovascular fitness improved, i ate better, i got to see myself improve and achieve goals, got to build an identity separate from who i was in my marriage. so i cannot recommend running enough.

and as for identity, finding out “who you are”—identity is a trap. don’t cement yourself to any one thing because everything changes. don’t define yourself by externalities, just be open and curious about your inner life, your qualities (which are also able to change btw) and start to strengthen the ones you like, like training a muscle. i practice (literally practice) kindness and discipline, which are important qualities for how i see myself. i also practice at compassion and i like how these things make me feel and how i show up in the world when i’m practicing at them. what qualities will you train in yourself?

you’re not defined in relation to your sibling, btw, and they aren’t defined in relation to you. you can question transness while still loving them.

you’re gonna be just fine, anon. you have plenty of time. grieve the future you can’t have, even though it’s truly for the best, and cultivate a person in yourself you’re excited to be. good luck.

[bangchanshehe]

Andromeda (Final)

You were no one, a goody-two-shoes who always played by the rules. When you decided to change yourself and live a little more dangerously you got caught up in Taemin’s trap. He had no use for you and no desire to have you. You were a toy and a time killer. But, he just so happened to have a lot of time and you happened to be his new favorite play thing.

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It had been a whole year since you had finally let Taemin claim you and your life had been turned upside down ever since. Only a few months after, you had let Taemin change you and so far it was the best decision you had ever made. You started to understand and realize exactly how Taemin always said he viewed you and now with the perfect vision and additional senses you were able to enjoy everything with him to the fullest. It was like experiencing everything through another life. Except it was yours and it was completely perfect.

You had found yourself a job at Andromeda and worked with the boys at night and loved every second of your new life. And while you were busier than ever you were also the happiest you had ever been in your life. During the day you still worked your job at EXO trying to pick up any little savings that you could so that soon you and Taemin could move into your own home not too far away from the other boys. No matter how many times taemin told you that he would take care of things you refused. There were just some things that you wanted to do on your own- and making your own money was still one of them. In between jobs you went to the site of your home and worked on the construction and decorating. You couldn’t wait to have your own home designed completely with your and Taemin’s dreams in mind and jumped at any chance to make it happen faster than it already was. And by night you were helping manage the business at the club.

At least… you try to. Try being the key word.

Ever since Taemin claimed you he couldn’t keep his hands off of you. And more times than not you two would skip work to spend the evening locked up in the confines of your own private room.

But for now your main concern was planning your upcoming wedding. You and taemin had decided that you wanted to be bound together in any way possible and you loved the idea of having a traditional wedding, even if it wasn’t necessary.

You sat in your bedroom with your laptop in your lap as you scrolled through images of venues, themes, colors and dresses. Taemin was no help making decisions with you, always giving you his staple answer-“whatever you want babe”, so every last detail was up for you to decide. And you went with a simple white wedding but decided to add small elements of yellow and blue, Taemin’s favorite colors.

“What are you working on?” Taemin asked coming in the room and lying next to you in bed

You bounced as the bed shifted under taemin’s weight and you sighed to yourself. You saved your tab where you were knowing that since Taemin was home you weren’t going to be doing much work anymore. He always had some stupid way of talking you into having sex when it was least appropriate.

“Looking at wedding stuff. Do you work tonight?” you asked him wondering if he was going to be at the club making his usual rounds or just working at home

Taemin smirked and pulled the laptop out of your lap and placed it on his night stand before leaning back into you and pulling your face into his for a slow kiss.

“I was hoping that you and I could work from home tonight” he whispered by your ear while also rubbing your palm over his prominent erection.

You scoffed at his obvious lack of work determination and pulled him back in for another kiss. You pulled the waistband of his boxers, just to let them go and hear the snap of the elastic against his skin. And Taemin’s chuckle made you grow wet with the amount of awful intentions it had behind it.

After your transition, sex with taemin became no small feat. You found out that the mind blowing sex that you had with him as a human was nothing compared to how rough or aggressive he was after you were changed. Goodbye was the sweet and gentle man. Now you had the man who would fuck you fifty shades red and throw you around like a rag doll. And it’s not like you had any complaints or issues with it, but you knew the other boys had to be miserable with how active the two of you were.

Taemin loved the feeling of your hands all over him and touching him lovingly but he couldn’t tolerate the painfully hard erection anymore. He ripped your hand away from his bulge and he as fast as you could even possibly imagine flipped your body over on top of his so you were straddling his hips. You chuckled at is enthusiasm and Taemin laughed with you. he loved showing off just how strong he was in comparison to you still. And even as a new vampire with outstanding skills Taemin was still significantly stronger than you would be any time soon.

“Let’s try to have a baby” Taemin said with a smile on his face and laughter laced in his voice

You smacked his chest and laughed at his joke “Tae you have got to come up with a better excuse than having a child, you know that it’s impossible!”

“But what I’m trying to say is we should have sex all the time… all day. Plain and simple. Don’t go to work. Don’t worry about the wedding. In fact don’t ever get dressed again in your lifetime. Just lounge around with me.” He tried desperately to convince you “Sounds good huh?!”

You were about to answer his question when a sudden intruder had gotten the both of your attention. You whipped your head around to see who would be brave enough to intrude at this time and sighed when you saw the face that never left you alone.

“No, actually please keep your clothes on. It’s already bad enough for anyone with supernatural hearing within a hundred mile radius” Minho pleaded.

Taemin groaned and threw a book at Minho in attempt to kick him out of the room without actually having to get up and move.

“If you don’t get out now, I swear I’m gonna have sex with her regardless of if you’re watching or not!” Taemin threatened.

Minho let out a huff and rolled his eyes “like I haven’t already seen it all” he bit back.

Taemin stared him in the eyes for a solid second before he pushed you off and bolted after him. You laughed to yourself but sighed with worry. Things were definitely more normal than they had ever been but things were still very awkward between you and Minho after you were officially claimed.

The morning that you came home with Taemin you had witnessed the aftermath of taemin and his scuffle in the hallway. There was broken glass and holes in the wall from the two punching and attacking one another. in fact the entire entry way had looked like it had been demolished for a diy project, but you strongly knew that It wasn’t as simple.

Minho had come face to face with you in the hallway as you stood distraught by what you saw and he let a single tear stream from his eyes to his cheek. He wept at your feet for a few minutes and you pat his head in comfort. You could still hear the weak way that he said “im sorry” to you a thousand times over and you hated the vision of how small he made himself in that moment. You would never know just how he felt after he realized that it was only a part of a daze. But you knew that your previous relationship would only blossom from something of disaster to the most beautiful friendship.

And sometimes you could still feel just how awkward things were between the two of you, having gone too far to turn back time or what you had experienced. But you knew that Minho only loved you now as a close one instead of as a lover.

But it still hurt you to think that taemin was still jealous or insecure about it still. So instead of chasing the two boys out in the hallway you decided to hang back and relax with the little time you had until one of them returned to your side.

You leaned over and opened up your laptop to find the screen that you had saved with the image of a beautiful mermaid white silk dress. You smiled to yourself as you imagined yourself in the dress and Taemin in a tuxedo staring at each other at the end of the isle. Your eyes began to water and you knew that it was the dress. No other dresses had made you as emotional or made you imagine yourself in it. You scrolled down the page to order the dress and have it shipped to your local bridal shop for a fitting and let out a sigh.

You didn’t even hear or see taemin come into the room but you felt his arm wrap around your waist as he rested his chin on your shoulder. You turned your head to meet him eye-to-eye and smiled.

“is that the one?” he asked you and you nodded your head

“do you like it?” you asked him

“I think technically I’m not supposed to see the dress or whatever, but since we both know that I won’t be leaving your side any century soon I’ll have to say that I think it’s absolutely amazing.” He kissed your forehead “I’ve got a hot wife so of course she’s gonna look like a killer in whatever she wears.” He smiled at you and In return you smiled back

“your so charming” you said sarcastically and taemin chuckled

“Minho hyung told me that they need all hands on deck tonight because of the event we have going on at the club” he sighed

You had almost totally forgot about the big company event EXO was having at Andromeda and you nodded your head. “Are you jealous that I get to have fun tonight as a guest instead of as a employee?” you asked with a smile in your voice

“I’m jealous that there are going to be men and women dressed up and shitfaced trying to dance with my girl” he stated

“oh boohoo. No one liked me at the company like that before and they still don’t. nothing like what you imagine happening is going to actually happen.” You clarified “come on I’ve got to get ready” you said wiggling your shoulder to que him to raise up

Taemin obliged and you walked into the bathroom so you could do your makeup and hair. You decided that you were going to take advantage of the situation and your supernatural endurance to dance the night away with your best friend. You curled your hair in loose curls and smoked your eyes out and wore ruby red lipstick- knowing full well that taemin loved your red lipstick and smiled at your finished result.

Taemin watched you from the bed as you got ready in front of the mirror and pouted as he watched you get ready for something that he couldn’t participate in. he sighed and huffed hoping to earn some of your attention but when you refused to look at him or talk to him he stood up and watched you closely from the bathroom doorway.

You smiled at his jealous fit and continued to mindlessly nitpick at your hair and makeup until you stripped out of your clothes to put on shimmer lotion and slide on your favorite little black dress. Taemin watched every article of clothing fall off of your body with great detail and had to adjust himself as he watched you slather on generous amounts of lotion. But when you left the bathroom, purposefully shaking your ass as you walked taemin followed behind you and pulled you in for a strong back hug as he pressed his bulge into you from behind and kissed your shoulders and neck.

You allowed yourself to enjoy it for a few moments, and press back into his erection before you pulled away from him. “nuh uh, I just finished and you aren’t going to mess up my hair or my lipstick”

Taemin groaned and allowed for his hands to drop from your waist. You used the moment to your advantage and quickly jumped into your closet to put on your dress and heels. As soon as you had them on you snickered to yourself knowing that taemin was going to love… or rather hate your choice and stepped out to show him the finished look.

Taemin looked at you for a few moments and gave a frustrated grunt before he fell back on the bed to look up at the ceiling. “you do this shit on purpose” he complained. He peeped down at you and growled when he saw you smiling down at him with a shit eating grin.

“im not gonna even try to dispute that” you laughed  “I’ve got to get going- I’m going to go pick up y/f/n and then we’ll go to the club”

You grabbed your bag and ran out the door. On your way out you ran into minho and Key watching tv in the living room and the both of them turned their heads to watch you leave. You were barely out the door when you heard them sigh and mutter “well...Taemin will be totally fucking useless tonight”

You laughed to yourself and smiled as you slid into Taemin’s audi and sped off to pick up your best friend. You missed her smile and her smell. You knew that it was totally creepy to say that your best friend’s blood smelled absolutely delicious, but there was no one else who had that smell. You had asked taemin about similar experiences and he told you that people who you have a deep connection too usually have a different scent compared to other people and ever since then you loved her smell.

When you pulled up to her house you called her from the car and a few moments later she was in your car and buzzing with excitement.

“oh my god you look so good” she gushed as she looked you over

“thanks you look really good too. Who would have known that you had that hot body hidden to yourself” you smiled

She giggled to herself and looked down at her clothes “thanks! I’ve decided that tonight I’m going to finally go home with someone” she claimed proudly “It’s been too long and I’m tired of going home lonely”

You looked over to her completely surprised and laughed loudly “you’re crazy! But tonight I think you can totally make that happen”

You focused back on the road and sped off towards the club and only a few minutes later you found the familiar building and parked in your reserved spot in the back. You silently thanked whoever’s idea it was to make reserved employee parking and walked in through the back entrance.

It was only 9:30 but the club was already packed with hot bodies pressed up against each other and the familiar smell of liquor took over your senses. Your eyes cut through the crowd and you could see the booth on the top floor with an EXO VIP sign and made your way straight too it. Your best friend followed you and clung to you for dear life and you smiled thinking that you were in a similar situation as she is when your life took a new turn in this exact building.

You both slid into the private booth to find at least 40 people sitting, dancing, and standing around talking with each other already half drunk and vibing to the music. You found an empty lounger and the both of you sat down as you grabbed an ipad and placed a drink order for your friend.

“Here I ordered you a drink and I’m going to go get my drink at the bar. You said you wanted to meet someone tonight so go chat someone up!” you said with an eye wiggle and made your way out of the booth.

You walked out and bobbed your head to the beat of the music playing and smiled and waved at familiar co-workers and by passers. You spotted the bar and walked casually up to it and made eye contact with Sehun working to let him know you wanted a drink. He winked back at you and you shook your head.

“Is taemin here yet?” you hear Onew behind you, over the music

“I don’t know, I came as a guest today for work” you explained

“ah I forgot! Well – have fun and if you need anything help yourself, you know where everything is!” he said with a smile and gave you a hug before disappearing again.

Sehun slid your drink up to you at the bar and you gladly took a hefty sip of the bloody concoction made especially for you. you wandered over to the edge of the top floor wall and gazed down over the haze and watched the crowds bodies sway and move to the music. A familiar pair of eyes stared at you and you caught them at the corner of your eyes and smiled. Taemin could look all he wanted tonight but he wasn’t going to be able to do anything sneaky tonight as long as you could help it.

You sped off to your booth again ready to play hide and seek with him, knowing all too well that he would corner you if given the chance and decided to dodge it ahead of time.

You immediately looked to the lounge seat and found y/f/n cuddling up close with a familiar looking man from EXO’s HR department and laughed at how quickly she found someone. You didn’t want to be a cock-blocker and decided to wander around and talk to some familiar faces while she did her thing.

“Hey y/n!” you heard someone yell out to you from across the booth and you turned and greeted them with a smile

“how are you?” you asked immediately recognizing one of your cubicle mates and crossed the room to talk to them

“is it true that you have a fiancé and he is one of the owners of this club?” he asked and you nodded your head

“Yeah, I am engaged and he is a co-owner here” you confirmed

“no way! I had no clue that you were in a serious relationship with someone!”

“she sure is!” you could hear taemin’s fake voice surface as well as a possessive arm around your waist

Your co-worked looked stunned as he sized up and stared at taemin and he looked back and forth between the two of you “woah, he’s totally a catch! How did you two meet?” he continued to pry

“here” the two of you answered, overlapping each other.

You both turned your heads to look at each other and taemin seized the moment to kiss you softly. You giggled at his playfulness and turned your attention back to your co-worker

“do you mind if I steal her from you?” taemin asked and you silently cursed him

“yeah no problem man” he responded

And with a stiff arm guiding you back out of the booth taemin led you out onto the dance floor and stopped you in the middle of the sweaty grimy bodies. He wrapped your arms around his neck and he held you around your waist as impossibly close to him as he could get and he swayed the two of you to the beat.

“you know you really shouldn’t have worn something so short tonight. It would be so easy for me to slip my hand into your panties and no one would even know” he whispered in your ear seductively

You rolled your eyes and turned around giving him your back as you swayed your hips into his prominent erection and laughed to yourself.

“and you really shouldn’t have done that” he growled even harsher

“shut up and dance with me” you yelled back playfully

Taemin grunted and put his hands on your hips guiding you to move exactly how he wanted you to. The entire song you pried his hands off of you when they got too close to dangerous territory and by the end of the song taemin pulled you off of the dancefloor ready for a drink to control his thirst. Both mentally and physically.

“you’re such a tease” he said to you at the bar as he hugged you from behind.

You giggled and rested your head against his chest  “but you love it” you replied

Taemin smiled and looked down at your smiling face. He seemed like he was having a fun time until his expression fell and became serious. You turned around to face him and cocked your head as you tried to read his expression.

“whats wrong?” you asked

“nothing.” He answered but it seemed untruthful.

You gave him a pointed look and he rolled his eyes at you

“really nothing is wrong… actually everything is perfect.” He looked down at you and gave you an apathetic smile “I was just thinking that this was where it all started. Right by this bar and then you saw me in the booth.” His gaze wondered over to the booths where you two formally met “I just imagine how things would have been if I hadn’t been such an ass at first and spared all of us the drama that happened.”

“taemin… I wouldn’t trade any of those experiences for the world” you confessed

He looked back at you with a forlorn look “yeah but if things could have been different then maybe we would have already had the house finished and been married. Or who knows maybe we could be going down an entirely different path right now”

“did you—do you want things to be different?” you asked him slightly nervous, still unable to kick your humanly self-esteem issues and nervousness about your relationship with one another.

“ no. not at all…. I just hope that I live up to all of your expectations” he explained

You sighed and hit his chest in a fit “you scared me!” you yelled

Taemin clutched his chest pretending to be hurt and looked at you with a confused expression

“taemin.” You said sternly and grabbed his face to force him to look you in the eyes “you are everything that ive dreamed of and more. I couldn’t think of a single person who id rather be with or a different circumstance that I’d want to have. What we have and where we are at is perfect. And I wouldn’t change a single detail about anything to save the world”

Taemin relaxed in your grip and smiled softly at you “okay, but if you are unhappy you’ll tell me right?” he asked quietly

“always” you replied

Taemins charming smile graced his face and he leaned into your grin “always and forever?” he asked

You smiled back at him lovingly and nodded your head “yes baby. Always and forever.”

Taemin leaned into you and placed a delicate kiss on your lips. You pulled away from it and taemin was reluctant to let you pull away from him.

“so can we go try to have a baby now?” he asked cheekily

You laughed in his face and shook your head. There really was no other person who could make you laugh, smile or cry like this man could and it was all thanks to this club and fate. You kissed him one more time before you let him pull you away to a private corner of the club.

And holy shit was it worth it.

[paradoxnbstuff]

okay so i need to talk about this for a minute

because usually i can find some shit about this on youtube or a transition blog somewhere but i cant for some reason this time? and its one of those difficult things to think about that I’ve been putting off for like years. so. anyways. top surgery stuff.

so first of all I have this habit of mine that’s taken a while and lot of shit to notice. it was probably a left over from growing up with my abusive dad and trying to survive that. but basically I’m very good at putting something aside in my head and so thoroughly convincing myself it’s not something that’s bugging me (subconsciously) that when it comes time to actually think about it I legitimately cannot tell how I feel about it. I’m talking about sitting and thinking about it for hours, plus research, and actively taking stock of my reactions as they happen to try to just. logically deduce what’s actually going on in my brain based on physical symptoms of emotional reactions I can’t actually feel. and obviously anyone can see how that would be incredibly useful in a situation like my parents where I had no choice in the matter for 18 years, and i could either constantly wallow in misery and agony and hurt and stress and confusion and terror at just living in my house 24/7, or i could section it off. and create like. a new baseline for myself. ex my baseline became that state and then went up or down based on negative or ‘positive’ things that happened from that baseline. looking at it objectively it was all obviously still horrible and stressful and traumatizing but i wouldn’t have been able to get through it if I was consciously aware of that the whole time. So that’s where that developed.

But weird backstory aside this has carried over to certain things in my life on my own since I moved out too. It’s why it took me so long to figure out gender shit and why I still haven’t figured out my sexuality even though I don’t lack the vocabulary or even really experience to. it’s affected my relationships with people, but I’ve been practically religious about trying to make sure I identify it when it happens and dedicating a lot of time and thought to unraveling whatever’s going on and stopping it, because fuck that I refuse to let it mess with the people I care about. There’s certain markers but it’s not like most things where you experience negative emotions and there’s a natural pathway from point a to point b. the markers are me having to stop and look at the past few months or longer and pick out patterns of times when i acted illogically in similar way, and cross ref it to see if it came with a feeling of abstractness where i couldn’t identify what emotions i was feeling. but like. its like trying to identify nothing. anger or happiness or w/e is easy like hey im feeling that but trying to notice when you’re feeling nothing or something unquantifiable? much fucking harder. and the trigger for me to start wondering if something is going on is when it starts to impact my quality of life negatively in some way. so. a really fucking stupidly difficult logical approach to untangle some very complicated emotions. which is sadly necessary.

so that’s the method I use to realize when this is happening. hasn’t really gotten any easier but i can do it i guess. and this is what’s happening now with me and top surgery? it happened with the decision to start testosterone, (’but im happy with how i look and sound!’ god no ur not u fucking disaster ur brain just didn’t want you to be miserable 24/7 and tricked you into thinking u were) and i think it’s the same thing with this. but i don’t. know??? for sure???? so I’m having to figure out this incredibly difficult and emotional decision with only purely factual patterns to go on and my emotions, which im not sure are fake or not, plaguing me every step of the way. so im just gonna fucking write em down and hope it helps.

fact 1: i never wear a bra. ever. it’s always either a binder or binder-adjacent like a sports bra. it’s been like that for 3 ish years now and it’s not stopping any time soon. i’m violently uncomfortable wearing a bra. 

fact 2: i dont like touching my chest or nipples. (tmi ish warning w/e) when I’m having sexual relations with another person im again, violently uncomfortable with the other person touching my chest. i will repeatedly redirect or say no if they start to with absolutely no doubt about it.

fact 3: i don’t like wearing tight clothing if i can’t bind. when I go to the gym and work out I wear a sports bra and wearing tshirts that show that fuckin. again feel nearly ill.

fact 4: i don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror? like. I have/had a lot of dysphoria about my body, specifically my hips and the kinda hourglass dip in between ribs and hips and the way e gives fat distribution around the upper hips around the waist and thighs and butt. that’s mostly gone now due to a combination of T and working out, but I still don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror. that’s possibly because I’m literally like 3/4 of an A cup at max but. yknow. this is also one of those things that is COMPLETELY based on feelings. and it feels suspiciously like when I’m trying to gauge my reaction and get ‘yeah I feel neutral about this actually’ but is really just very skillful repression. and I can’t tell. so. that’s great. it is a subjective fact, as opposed to the previous 3. 

fact 5: if i stretch my arms up it looks like i have a flat chest (bc i i have like no boobs to begin with) and the reaction I get to that is a definite. reaction. it’s an adrenaline based one. but another issue i’m working on is i can’t tell the difference between happy excited adrenaline and panic adrenaline and therefore when i feel happy excited about something i start fear panicking instead and it sucks but yknow. so I get an adrenaline thrill. that I can’t identify as fear or excitement. so that’s. there? fuck

fact 6: i’m not male. I figured that out a long time ago but it’s become important again recently that I am n o t a trans man. I’m solidly nonbinary. T was and is the right decision for me. So is building muscle. So is my decision now to grow out my hair again. So is my clothing that is decidedly not masculine fairly often and my makeup (that can be either to help with the masc or just to make me feel hot, or feminine sometimes). But this is something that’s....like. It would make me look a lot more masculine. like a lot. like it would be looking in the mirror and seeing that (without the big scars you see a lot underneath, i wouldn’t have that) and I don’t know if that’s something I want. but at the same time, that’s what I want to look like in clothes. I don’t fucking know.

fact 7: i know there’s probably some underlying fear in there of like societally ingrained disgust for non-cis bodies. and I know for a fact I’m attractive as a feminine person. and doing this means that I’m committing myself to a permanent non-cis state. I’m in no way saying there’s anything actually wrong with that, I’m saying that I know there’s things in the way I’ve been raised that inherently shy away from that still. It’s not something I want and it’s something I have to deal with but it probably is playing a part in my fear in this.

fact 8: currently, my main reason for tentatively starting the application process is my health. I love being active and healthy and exercising and I know that binding long term hurts your ribs and lungs, and I also know that I’m not going to stop binding any time soon if I don’t have top surgery. And getting it just for health reasons is a perfectly valid reason to do it. And if I am actually neutral about my chest and not just tricking myself? I’m totally happy with this being the deciding factor.  

anyways. yeah. the problem with dismantling a mental block you’ve set up for yourself is it involves actively unlocking self hatred and pain that you can’t put back in the box once you’ve opened it until it’s dealt with. so there isn’t a ton of incentive to. ngl it didn’t happen with testosterone fully until after I’d been on it for a few months and realized how fucking desperately I needed this to be happening. but I don’t think that’s how I want it to go with top surgery. I want to know before I go through with it what I’m feeling and what I want. and it is. VERY fucking difficult. god. yeah. anyways. that’s where I’m at. thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[clowngremlin]

on a less positive note im reading transmed blogs because idk why i ended up on some weird rabbit hole and cant stop but like.... it’s making me think about how my dad wants me to go to therapy to see if im a guy because i was abused as a kid or something or like how my mom would tell me i was ugly and looked like a boy when i was little so that’s why im a guy now and that’s why i have dysphoria and like....even if im a dude because my mom abused me growing up.... i dont think therapy is gonna help me? i dont think therapy is going to get rid of my dysphoria? i think the only way i will ever stop being so dysphoric all the time is to u know....actually transition and live my life as a man? if the abuse i suffered as a child is why im trans.... i think im too far gone? if i did end up going the therapy route i think that it’d take years and years and years to undo 20, almost 21 years of abuse? i was abused by my mom my whole fucking life and my trauma is so deeply ingrained into every single fiber of my being i don’t think i’ll ever truly be okay.... and im learning to live with that? i’ve been going to therapy for 4, almost 5 years and i think it has helped me? i don’t....violently hate myself and want to die all the time? i actually don’t think im a complete and total freak anymore like my mom made me think for the first 16-18 years of my life? i actually like myself some times? i think im a kind, compassionate, funny and generally likeable guy? and my quirks aren’t something to be ashamed of? they are something to be celebrated? like.... people actually like to be around me? a girl i go to school with told me that people are naturally drawn to people who are more expressive and that im really expressive and she likes talking to me!! and people think it’s cool that im interested in what my interests are!! and as for me being a guy, i feel....much more confident presenting as male. i feel like i’m not living a lie anymore? like there was a degree of that when i first came out but i knew it wasn’t right but i was too scared to be a guy because i was abused by a trans guy and i didn’t fit the strict gender roles that some people play into (there’s nothing wrong if u do play into those roles, you do you) and like i’m still figuring it out but like.....i’ve felt like this for as long as i could remember? and when i was trying (and failing) to be a girl i felt like i was lying to everyone and that i was putting on an act? and so it felt like no one really knew me? and i had a hard time making friends and talking to people.....but now i’m not pretended to be someone im not and im making so many friends? and i’m much more open and honest with everyone? i feel way less depressed and shameful and my urges to like...hurt myself arent a thing anymore like i never want to hurt myself like how i used to? my art is much more happy and i still feel like i want to mutilate my body on occasion because you know....dysphoria.... but i don’t feel...trapped and hopeless like i’m going to be stuck like this forever? like i have a future? like i feel like i’m not a prisoner in my own body and that one day....i could look at it and feel at home? i remember when my ex got to go on t and i think that was one of the times i felt the worst in my whole life? i felt so upset because i was going to be stuck like how i was and he got to be who he is and idk.... i tried to kill myself after he told me and it was really fucked up and i chickened out which like im glad i did because if i died i wouldn’t be here today? i wouldn’t be here, a MONTH from my first appointment at the hospital for hrt, i wouldn’t have seen my friends, have a wonderful time with all of them and have every single one of them call me a boy and he, i wouldn’t be going to art school and making art i want to make and having all of these friends who....know me as spencer, a guy? i would have never been able to grow and change and find happiness within myself? i wouldn’t have been able to help and inspire people with my transitional journey? i would have died miserable and hating myself. im glad im still alive and this post has gotten waaay away from the original intent but i just wanted to get all of this out.....tl;dr i’m supposed to be a man and even if the abuse i went through has anything to do with it, the only way to fix it is to BE a man and i’m happy i’m a man and i’m actually happy to be alive for once in my life