#im not articulated enough to explain why people are wrong for wanting that

[cinnabeat]

i cant believe theres actual people out there that complain that people dont die enough in kh?? like yeah i will concede its kind of annoying when someone you thought was dead is actually alive the whole time but like i also have the ability to acknowledge that kh is just not that kind of story??

[biexual]

i don't know how to articulate this so i'm just going to word dump my thoughts just so i can get them out of me.

since april i've barely gone outside my home. maybe like 3-4 times going out with my mum &/or grandma but i haven't gone out somewhere on my own. like i was going in march to see movies every monday in the city, and i regularly went out just on my own to walk around and read. but now i am back in a place where i am just stuck inside my home and i am so anxious and fearful that i am struggling to leave this bubble.

i want to leave, i want to do things but my irrational fear of being perceived, humiliation, embarrassment, and just putting myself out there is so strong it makes it so hard for me to get out of this zone ive fallen into.

like im gonna finish this business course next work, then get my cert' and i need to start looking for a job, which is my biggest fear pretty much. i don't want to put myself out there, im scared of exposing myself to rejection and failing to do my part as a person in society who is 22 and needs to be an "Adult". i'm afraid of not being good enough, of disappointing my family, or continuing to be a leech is some way because i am unemployed and unskilled in a lot of ways.

i don't like myself. i don't like looking at myself or thinking about myself, i don't want to push myself out there and expose myself to others because of my above mentioned fears. i am so... secluded in my way of being i think i am the only one who feels this way. obviously im probably not, but i don't know anyone else in my position.

i am lonely, i have no one to explain these thoughts and feelings to and receive constructive feedback. and if i receive feedback, my mind jumps to the negative of "i can't do that because i'm me". i'm so trapped in this whirlpool of dejection of myself that i do not feel like a person who belongs.

if i get a job, i struggling for how to fit in and do my job. i don't want to make mistakes or mess up, because i feel i am not allowed too. i feel that i can't make mistakes, or say or do the wrong thing because then i am automatically a failure and a disappointment.

i think this stems from alot of childhood issues that haven't been resolved, and the fear of humiliation from my ***** ******* because he is who i compare myself too in everything, because he is the person who i feel judges me the most besides myself.

i know my only way of getting out of this situation is to go Through it, but it's so much easier said than done. i wish there was just someone who understood or a place that would employ me despite who i am, despite it being me.

i don't want to be afraid, anxious, feel humiliation, rejection or disappoint people. but i know it happens... but why, why does it hurt me so much to make mistakes and be a failure to the point of anxiety attacks and stress.

[loftedlow]

tw: school sh**ting mention, just a bunch of trauma response things ig

I’m not trying to be all “my life is so hard bla bla bla” and stuff cuz i’m a middle class family doing well, clean water, rlly good grades, etc. But anyway I was watching a video and it was like “what’s something that shows someone had a rough childhood” and every single answer aligned with me I will list them and justify them for myself though. Tell me what yall think if u can cause i’m confused, I don’t think I have trauma, I find when I explain it to people in real life they’re always like “that’s rlly bad” but I think my parents are just old fashioned and for them physical punishment works. I don’t think I could ever do it but I turned out ok so..? Anyway reasons below

“Having the ability to function as my own parent at a young age:”

My parents are busy and just couldn’t really be home a bunch so I took care of myself, it’s not that big a deal

”talking like an adult at a young age”

I didn’t have like access until 5th grade to the internet other than spotify and whatever school was doing, I was just kind of good at articulation despite my speach impediment. Especially the fact U had a 9th grade reading level in 3rd grade. (i’m now in 8th/13 and have an high 12th grade one)

“Independent/Not trusting doing things with others/ask for help”

Simple. I know what I want and want to do. They don’t and will mess it up. Or they’re gonna judge my idea or I’ll mis-say it and we’ll fuck up and then it’s all wrong. I just like things to be precise and I know myself the best.

“apologizing compulsively, habitually, and frantically” Im working on this and I don’t actually know why I do it but I just kind of do but people are working with me on it don’t worry, my parents are punishing me for it

”Moving and breathing silently + Hyperaware”

I’m neurodivergent and have a habit of walking on a certain part of my foot I forgot what it’s called but it’s pretty quiet but i’m hyper aware of my surroundings I know because ykw idk that one but I know it’s bad enough I cover and my ears a bunch and everything feels like it’s painful coming up my body when I think someone is gonna be mad at me, especially my legs start feeling rlly rlly odd and my neck starts aching specifically the back

“Drawn to toxic relationships/having bad judgement of others but reading people well”

I guess I just try to see the good in people and give people too many chances, that has nothing to do with my childhood. I read people well because I mimic emotions cause I struggle to feel them myself

”flinching involuntarily”

Probably just relates to the hyper awareness probably

“smiling a bunch/too much”

I don’t know I just kind of do it and randomly notice my mouth muscles pulling up into a smile I don’t know, once a girl yelled at me “You’re not in an anime” cause I was smiling at her and waved so idk but still, people like smiles, it makes them happy and therefor people won’t hate me

“not being able to remember childhood”

I don’t know when but i just kind of can’t remember most things in general so

“able to stay unnaturally calm”

I’ve been through 2 school shootings when I lived in mississippi, what do you expect?

[thousandyearphantombunker]

(this is a vent and I get nasty so possibly don't read)I've got no idea as to why this has become a thing recently or how to properly articulate myself rn but here I go: When I analyze characters I don't just look at how their actions are framed, i take off the frame. I take off the edgy and dramatic lighting and the very emotionally charged/biased language, the edgy outfit they got put in and I look at what they actually did what actually happened, i look at their actions alone (well not alone I still need context) and that has me being labelled media illiterate. 'the story said they where a bad guy! Look at how they are being framed! Look at what language they used to describe them! The story is telling you they are bad' and like I know that, I know im supposed hate them but when I look at there actual actions and what they've done without the frame they aren't that evil to me, i know what im being told but i dont buy it because once you get past very loaded word choices and the unflattering picture the creator used... They aren't doing anything bad in the photo, it's just at a bad angle. when you replace the emotional language and make it more neutral language (without changing the story) and you can see plain as day that.

King magnifico wasn't a villain, he's just an asshole with emotional issues, Ironwood while a villain was being demonized for the wrong reasons, he was facing an ethical dilemma alongside team rwby no matter what the show did neither side was 'right' nobody was gonna come out of that shit smelling like roses no matter if you were pro ironwood or pro rwby (maybe the writers could've learned something from ever after high about these sorts of situations you know the show for little girls handled shit like this better) and belos and the collector feel very contradictory? Like very different people each time we got some development from them. The fans who got excited over the idea these two where more complex than story states weren't being stupid, they saw the compelling ideas and interesting contradictions and got excited, and if I like a character that's supposed to a hate sink maybe I'm not stupid maybe the show didn't do its job right, maybe I don't want the writer to hold my hand maybe I want them to explain the story better and maybe I don't wanna do wikipedia homework to understand the show.

Fellas is it a sign of media iliteracy to not take the story at face value and eat what we are being fed without looking to see the ingredients or if its properly cooked? I genuinely got convinced by the owl house fandom that I was stupid for having complaints that I was clearly incapable of the higher thinking required to understand the story and if I didn't like it I clearly wasn't analyzing things deeply enough but when I did analyze the story deeper I found even more issues, my problems originally where with the coven system, coven heads, Darius and Eberwolf turning out to be secret rebels and the fact luz and hexside broke a major law with zero repressions and that Belos's plan was weak, analyzing deeper made me realize the magic system was weak and while i had massive issues with the finale already (fuck the dream sequence light glyph nonsense, and i hated the titan reveal because of the chosen one nonsense especially the titan saying he did make philip's life harder on purpose- which made the fact that he. Still discovered the glyphs impressive) i said I could still watch the show pre finale but after looking deeper I noticed the 'us vs them' mentality was through out the show - not just the finale i didn't like that philip's complexity got erased or that Luz was a chosen one and again i fucking hated the dream sequence, the light glyph nonsense was confusing, (that also helped me realize if the magic system got developed more maybe they could've introduced a mechanic that explained that shit) i also hated that the principal at luz's school was framed so badly- I'm autistic im latina i am a lesbian- im not an ableist racist homophobe- i would've demanded Luz get in school expulsion, and if she got into another incident that she go to summer school, and do community service or i would press charges- still a pretty light punishment but God he was not a bad guy I only saw that problem in the finale when I was told I was dumb I decided to try and reanalyze the show again and came out with an even more negative opinion

Maybe instead of insulting people's intelligence and acting condescending you can just say 'well if you look at the story from my perspective' and share why you think what you think because I do see the appeal of belos's ending and death I do see the appeal of this show- or another here's another idea just agree to disagree and not act high and mighty calling everyone who disagrees a nitpicker a 'stupid Steven universe fan' or lily orchard simp but no Doug walker having a mostly positive opinion of this show while still sharing his minor critics was a sin! I can't believe this is the fandom that made it so I defend nostalgia critics opinions- i genuinely don't like that guy but some of his critique aimed at the show is valid. I feel like this post is pretty meanspirited and I'm sorry for anyone who decides to read this tagless mess but I can't stand smugness or the idea that looking a story deeper makes you stupid. Im just salty and this is a dumb vent over old shit but God I'm pissy still.

[sincelastsession]

I'm still upset. I don't want to be upset. I had plans. Now I'm under a stupid weighted blanket still upset. And it wasn't that big of a thing but im triggered to fuck and I can't figure out where I got triggered at specifically.

I mean it was probably a combo.

I talked to Travis and basically had a meltdown. He's really good at listening and I can have a clear conversation with him. He also has a brother my age with Autism that he grew up with so I feel that that is why it's so easy to explain shit to him and be heard and understood.

He and other people I know who have had very hard lives are easier to talk to and relate to.

I have a very hard time communicating with your average neurotypical person.

I'm still frustrated that therapy didn't go as planned in my head. I know that's silly but I'd mentally prepared myself. I got thrown off. I started with something I wasn't really ready to get into and it snowballed into stuff that was too much and I was too anxious and when the anxiety starts it knocks everything over like dominoes like a Rube Goldberg machine from hell.

I'm angry. I'm so angry at everything.

I'm in my stupid bed still crying. I don't feel 37 right now.

Sure I articulate many things and pretty much over communicate or whatever at least I've been told that. I've been told every single lady thing everyone thinks is wrong with me.

I don't feel like there's anything I do right.

I'd planned to get food, go to the post office. Talk to the front office about kids unattended in the pool but the answering service last night didn't seem to care about it. I had this whole list of shit I needed to do and I feel stupid laying here crying under a weighted blanket wanting to unzip from my skin suit sort of feeling.

I feel defeated.

I'm scared that all this is just gonna go like it usually does which I cannot explain I can just recognize the patterns

I'm scared if it doesn't work out then there's no one really left who wants my case and I do miss my last EMDR therapist and I wish we'd get the charts and you could possibly chat with her.

I don't know what therapy system you're trying with me vs what she (Johanna Martinez-Rink) employed.

I feel like there's never enough time but I'd like to go at a slower pace but I feel rushed like it's always been a race to become "fixed"

No one ever looked at what they were doing that I was mirroring and projecting at an early age and thought "oh I am the problem" They just threw me in therapy and onto the next therapist or psychiatrist and inpatient because I wasn't "fixed"

I didn't do anything to deserve that.

How do you get therapy for therapy trauma too?

How do I teach you about me and how to treat me and vice versa without this happening again.

It's hard to be truly known and understood but it's harder to be truly known and understood and trust that you've been seen and heard the way you need to be.

Dr. Todd told me I process out loud. The concussion really got me there. I hadn't done it to this extent before.

I remember how I was before but I can't make myself go back to it.

Honestly ok I hot no contact wrong. I'm pissed that my boundaries were crossed when I clearly set them.

I'd like to have good communication with my family. I don't want to have to do no contact.

But it doesn't seem to matter what I do.

I know locus of control and I know circle of control.

I can't control shit. I've never had the upper hand. I do fight I do get defensive. I can be a huge bitch. I'll admit it.

Do I feel bad abt it? Most of it.

Do I think it's deserved sometimes? Yes

Do I think I need justice for what has been done to me? Yes.

And I've had to fight and stand up for myself my entire life. There was no one there.

You don't know but like a tiny fraction of it.

I don't even feel like a person half the time. I don't know what is ME.

I don't know where my inner child is.

It to my understanding that I didn't hit psychosocial stages correctly

I don't think people understand the difference between negativity and the cptsd brain that is looking for things and wired all wrong.

How can I be so observant and still not be in control? Am I having a dissociative disorder of some sort? Is it this is it that?

Should I just hope my dad lives long enough and go to school and get my lcsw etc and try to treat myself? Could I handle school? Probably not right now. Do I actually need to be doing EMDR? Oh Probably but I can't find a therapist that takes medicaid and I can't afford out of pocket.

I live on 943.00 a month. I try to save 300-400.00 a month in case of emergency mostly for my therapy cats that alert me on their own like good babies. Groceries even on a budget aren't cheap. I'm trying not to kick the eating disorder up. I never wanna deal with inpatient again I don't care how fancy those places are been there done that almost died because they didn't know what they were doing and had all these ideas about me that weren't true.

People talking about diets or rudely making mention of what I choose to eat is so incredibly triggering.

I feel like no matter how hard I try everyone just hates me or secretly does and won't just tell me their problem.

My father idk what he will say. He is a wildcard. He acts like a dry drunk. His side of the family back through generations has had mental disorders that meds other than anxiety meds just didn't touch. Usually his problems with me are his doing and he views everything I say as a threat or controlling or a criticism despite me trying to get him to understand I'm neurodivergent. He doesn't believe I have anything wrong and that I'm faking. He resents me and I've had my last emdr therapist point out the resentment everyone holds. According to mom he hates me because I'm like him. I don't know what that means. I don't have a very good sense of self but I know what I'm not. I'm not him. I don't aspire to be him. He doesn't know how to show me compassion or empathy.

My mom will do the typical shit she always does. Act clueless and point fingers at me. Gets mad and leaves when I talk about various subjects that she just avoids answering

My sister is the best actress. She's the one that will play up to a therapist and act innocent and escalate shit twist it and point the finger at me so mom and dad jump my ass.

She used to say I hit her and smile when my parents would scream at me. I never did anything to her as a little kid. She damaged a 2k laptop I had just been gifted by a friend. Kicked the screen. Never got fixed. She steals my things and my mom's things. She's a compulsive liar. She has absolutely no real idea of my traumas. She has been very lucky to have never been in positions I was in. It hurts to see her fucking her life up engaged due to me helping so it wouldn't be a bad experience because her fiancé is a fucking idiot. Everyone favors her because she knows how to manipulate them. I'm watching her do many of the things I did that were stupid. I really don't trust much of what she says. She really is a good liar. It's hard to tell. She has become more like my father in many ways towards me. I'm sure she's been experiencing a small fraction of the abuse I had bit she abusing and pushing limits at home with my dad. Bringing friends over to stay till morning partying etc. She thinks she owns the house and has gotten in my mom's face abt it.

I'm not trying to trash these people. I'm going to tell you more and more of what has happened to me. It's a lot. Sometimes it's easier to say that I have much more lore than ppl think. Some of it I easily mention and other bits not so easy. But I want people to know. I want people to know. I'm too old to be saved. I wish I wasn't. I wish I could start over with what I know now. I'd be more prepared. I'd change things I cannot change now.

[allhallowstiel]

it’s hard to articulate my feelings because a lot of them are conflicting and confusing so im just gonna do bullet points:

under the cut bc this got long

i had a feeling the marwa situation wouldn’t get brought up again so . yeah. there’s that. that’s just a thing we have to accept now ig. i’m sure i don’t need to explain why that was fucked up as many people have already done so in much better ways than i ever could. "but other characters get treated bad too-" you're telling me you don't see anything wrong with a woman of color turning into a white man and the idea that she's "happier like that"?

the colin reveal was fucking amazing like. jaw dropped and everything like. THAT was incredible and i think colin’s storyline this season overall- including his relationship with laszlo- was really well done. im gonna miss baby colin, but we knew from the get-go that it was temporary. i just wasn't expecting him to forget everything.

as far as nandermo goes, i didn’t want them together in this season like. At All. they’ve still got a long way to go and i thought that even before freddie, the episode that people say ruined nandermo. but, going back to what paul said about nandor, if nandor learned nothing from turning marwa into a freddie clone, then it does have me a little concerned on whether or not he’ll learn anything in season 5. in order for him to actually feel regret for how he has treated guillermo and work towards fixing it, he needs a major fucking realization (not necessarily a romantic one) so, it makes me worry that in season 5 their reunion will be nandor begging to have guillermo back because he can barely manage to take care of himself without him, when that shouldn’t be what reunites them at all. in fact, if that does happen, guillermo should reject him. 

so, this season pretty much reset everything and wiped the slate clean. colin robinson is back to his old self and remembers nothing from his childhood. laszlo no longer has the responsibility of parenting anymore. nadja’s club is pretty much dead. and nandor is back to being lonely and single and wants to pretend he doesn’t give a shit. guillermo comments on this, outright saying that nothing there ever changes and that he’s fucking tired of it, so he dips. and, like- i get that the vampires are very set in their ways. i wouldn’t expect them not to be. but this plus paul simms saying that nandor learned nothing this season kind of has me concerned- both for nandermo and for the show in general, but more for the show overall.

on the other hand, the season cliffhanger is an absolutely perfect set-up for some real change to happen all-around, not just with nandermo. probably not anything groundbreaking because we still have to consider how the vampires are- but wiping the slate clean creates new opportunities. but again, what paul simms said has me worried. if he wants the vampires to remain static and never actually become better or stronger people, and have guillermo be the sole dynamic character, that’s fine. despite being static, the vampires are funny enough to continue being entertaining- wwdits is a comedy first and foremost, after all. but that leaves guillermo with the task of moving whatever plot wwdits has forward- and now he’s set his sights on becoming a vampire. i doubt he’ll get what he wants right away- i don't see this whole derek thing immediately going the way guillermo wants it to- but right now it feels like guillermo is kind of carrying the show on his back (one could easily argue that he's BEEN carrying it). if he loses what makes him so relatable to the audience- his humanity- and none of the other vampires show any signs of ever even slightly changing... that kinda worries me. i mean, will i still keep watching?? uh, yeah. of course i will. i love guillermo. but it will change my thoughts on some things.

and yes, one could make the argument that guillermo’s “humanity” even as a human is barely there, given what he does and all. but the fact that he’s the only human main character allows him to connect with the audience in a way that the vampires can’t.

THAT BEING SAID. after the whole marwa thing and now paul simms saying this, im a bit... nervous. not angry (besides the marwa thing)- just nervous. so i’m going to sum up this very lengthy post with some of my hopes for s5: 

(i also want to make it clear that when i talk about the vampires changing i don’t mean them becoming “good people”. god no. by “change” i mean seeing the world in new perspectives, adapting better to the modern world, changing old ideas or beliefs, and yes- even changing how they treat the people that are important to them, because despite how stuck in their ways they are, i don’t think the vampires are completely incapable of genuine love)

i want the guide upgraded to be a main character in season 5. sean too because i think that would be fun, but i’m mostly concerned about the guide bc i think this show needs some more female characters in its main cast.

i also don’t want nandor’s two remaining wishes to be swept under the rug. this is mostly fueled by my desire to see the djinn again.

i want nandor to begin the process of accepting that he cares about guillermo and wants him in his life as more than just a familiar. im not saying i want a love confession right away- i don’t think they should dive into romance right away. i think they should take it slow, but they should also not be afraid of having nandor express care and concern for guillermo, especially if they want that relationship to be endgame (and I still believe it will be. im just a bit shaken rn but i promise im still an endgame truther).

and lastly i want nadja to kiss a woman. as wonderful as wwdits is with representing queer men, i feel like the guide and nadja don’t really get to openly express their pansexuality as much as nandor and laszlo do, so i’d like to see that explored more as well.

[hrrgrve]

for some time i’ve been thinking about whether or not i’m on the spectrum.

tw? talk abt blood /cuts n stuff

i can deeply relate to a lot of autistic/adhd experiences but i feel bad about it because my brain tries to convince me im doing it for attention but who the hell am i wanting attention from?

i know i stim, a lot. throughout most of the day. when i’m happy, when i’m listening to music, when i’m eating— all day. sometimes when im told to stop i either physically can’t or stim another way i think won’t annoy them. i don’t even notice i’m doing it most of the time. i sometimes go non-speaking(?) is that the right way to put it?, but my family just says it’s me being quiet because i’ve “always been a quiet person” but i’m pretty loud and outgoing when i’m comfortable with someone.

but i can’t tell if it’s just my anxiety or something else :/ some part of me wants to go down that road of trying to get a diagnosis but the other part of me just wants to push it aside and stop making a big deal out of it because i could just end up being wrong.

whenever i get into something new it’s not just a normal level of interest. it consumes me, it’s what i think about all-day-every-day, i need to consume media of it all the time to get through the day. ive always related with the ‘hyper fixation’ and ‘special interest’ definitions but i’ve been told i’m not allowed to describe my experience using those words because i’m not nd and i should just label it as an interest but it doesn’t feel like it really describes my experience well enough.

i don’t know how to express my emotions “normally” or almost at all unless i think about it for a few hours and articulate. i need to have a script in my head when i’m in public, i need to go over it in my mind at least 10 times. when i’m ordering something i need to have practised it beforehand a lot of times.

i get overstimulated easily, i can’t wear gloves in cold weather because they make my hands feel weird and heavy— like they’re not mine.

i can’t use erasers because i don’t like the feeling of them on my fingers. i’d only hold them for a few seconds and then violently rub my fingers on my clothes to get the feeling off.

i can’t wear certain clothes because of how they feel.

i can’t drink water from other peoples houses or most shops unless i’m absolutely desperate because the taste feels wrong. yes, feels wrong idk how to describe it.

i can’t eat spicy foods because the feeling of my tongue afterwards makes me want to recoil in disgust. ive been a very picky eater my whole life and i rarely like to explore other cuisines even if i think it looks and tastes good, i like to stick to my safe foods.

i can’t stop washing my hands, after i touch something that feels weird against my skin, after i’ve touched something dusty, after i’ve just pet my dog, after touching book pages or wet foods. my family just laugh at me every time i go to wash my hands and ask me if i have ocd and i don’t know how to explain to them why i do it.

i find it really hard to read(?) peoples tones when they talk to me. i can’t tell if someone’s tone is annoyed, happy or condescending and i end up feeling really stupid afterwards because i didn’t realise they were joking when i thought they were being serious etc. that paired with my social anxiety and overthinking is just a nightmare.

i have oral fixations, i have ever since i was a child. chewing my nails, biting the skin on my fingers, gnawing on my jumper sleeves or the neck of tees until they’re just threads. always chewing something. the urge to bite into everything solid is very real and i’m just so confused. every time i get the urge to bite the corner of my wooden desk i’m just like why and try to ignore it but end up chewing on my nails instead.

i have a weirdly high pain tolerance. i could go hours or even days without noticing a massive gash on my leg or a cut on my arm until i see it. the pain is just so unnoticeable.

it was the same when i had my piercings done, i felt the pain for a few seconds and then i completely forget they’re there until ive accidentally knocked it or something and people usually say they’re sore for a couple of days after them but i’m just not.

i have a distinct memory of me as a child scraping the entirety of my knee on concrete and a chunk of my skin being ripped off from the rocks and having almost no reaction to it while the people around me were freaking out because my leg was covered in blood. everyone just calls me lucky for it and sees it as an excuse to pinch the shit out of me lmao 😭

even after writing this i feel like i’m just making a big deal out of nothing and everything i’ve been experiencing my whole life and still am is normal for everyone and i’ve just made myself look like a complete idiot haha

so yeah if any nd people see this could you help me out? because i’m having a breakdown /hj

jesus i just noticed how long this is. take this beautiful gif of billy as an apology 🥲

i’m gonna go cry in the corner now .

[trashcatsnark]

I love that Johnny is the kind of person who would kill for you no problem and fuck you untill you can't walk, but stuff like holding hands or saying geniuine compliments just cause him to short-circuit and he just can't do this. I think it's an interesting part of his psychology, that he's all about grand gestures (kill for you/die for you) and physical intimacy (sex and whatnot) but he's still very closed off and unwilling to engage with just like, small acts of affection that can't be easily brushed off. And, of course, he thinks he's being sooo slick and nobody can see how much of a fool he is around V, like, he's such a clown, I love that about him.

YESS YESSSS YESSSSSS SPOILERS WITHIN, I WENT ON ANOTHER RANT IM SORRY

I read a fic I believe it’s called 505 on archiveofourown, which in general, has had a lot of ideas and concepts I love and has birthed inspiration to some of my own brainworms (the idea of V getting stuck in like 2010-2012 in a like manufactured cyber pocket universe lives rent free in my brain and i really wanna play with that concept in my fic too cause i needed more flashback content,  and like wanted V to properly have some sort of interaction with the past versions of Rogue, Alt, Kerry, and Johnny, like it’s so good and i highly recommend checking the fic out, yeet!) 

And they state that Johnny’s basically the kind of guy who if you called him up, its life or death, he’d be there for you in a second. But, if you just texted to ask how his day is, he’d leave you on seen. He tends to think, act, and operate in extremes. Everything is always cranked up to eleven and high stakes; filled with passion for everything he goes near. Cause those moments revolve more around doing, acting on something, rushing in; whether its attacking Arasaka or fucking, its all about doing something and he doesn’t really have to put his emotions or his heart out there. He feels intensely, extremely, passionately, but he can’t properly articulate that when it comes to people on an individual level. He can scream until the cows come home about his ideas about society and the people on a grand scale, on the big picture, but when it comes to individuals and his intimate relationships the action should be enough, to him, should say everything. He can hide behind the extremes, act on his feelings without having to truly bare his soul. There’s a comfort in that, he can act on his feelings while still keeping his distance. 

But, that’s harder with domesticity, its harder with everyday intimate affection, its harder with someone who knows you inside and out. Because he’s now committed to not only being there in the extremes, he’s there for the mundane and monotony. He’s not just there for hard fucks and terrorists attacks; he’s there for V casually (though they’re also screaming inside) grabbing his hand as they walk somewhere together, he’s there for mornings that start with a kiss and a cup of coffee, he’s there for cleaning the apartment, taking care of a cat, cuddling on a couch while watching bad tv, trying to help V cook (once they get an apartment with a kitchen cause why the fuck doesn’t v have a kitchen cdpr), there for conversations that have nothing to do with life or death, and casual i love you’s being dropped because that word is no longer an emotional bomb, but a simple reality. 

No walls, no barriers, no fucking off until the next time someone needs him to die or kill for them/fuck them. Emotional intimacy becoming a part of daily life. And oh boy is that a fucking scary ass concept. 

Cause being there and sacrificing himself when V could potentially die, feels like a no brainer, of course he’ll do that, that’s what he promised, what’s right by them, and he’d die for them any day. If that’s what they need that is what he’ll do. And he’ll say so to anyone who asks, proudly. Cause he can to an extent hide behind it being the right thing to do, its the right thing to honor his promise, to try to save them from this unfairness, even after mikoshi he can explain it away as he owes V his life, he can hide behind his own moral code. Brush it off as being “right”. In Mikoshi when he tells V he plans to keep his promise; there’s no introspection of the emotional intimacy they built, he’s still trying to keep some walls up. Its’ “we’re sticking to the plan” “I won’t do you wrong.” He can hide and frame it as a promise, what’s right, which is a huge aspect of it no doubt, but we know he has feelings beyond that. His own guilt, he own care and concern for V, hell, there’s apparently even a line where it seems he gets mad at Alt, like genuinely mad that they can’t save V. 

“You promised this poor little shit a new life and you lied! You fuckin' lied!”

It was about more than a sense of duty and keeping his promise, but he can hide behind that. (And with just sex, he can hide behind sexual gratification, paint it as selfish desire)

But holding V’s hair back or rubbing their back when they’re sick and puking; not relic sick, not dying sick, just neurovirus/ate something that disagreed with them/or drank a bit too much, regular sick...is different. Because V doesn’t objectively need him in that moment; they will survive without his hands in their hair or rubbing down their back, They will survive without him checking on them and once they get it all out, carrying them to bed. There’s no right or wrong even, cause its no one elses job to care for V. 

It is a choice born purely out of an unselfish desire to make them feel better, to care for them even in the mundane troubles of life. And he can’t, though he’d try, pretend that it’s anything else. It puts his feelings on the table, bares his feelings in a whole other way. 

[oikawasass]

IM A BAKUHOE CAN U PLS DO 74 OR 76 WITH BLASTY ASS 🥺🥺🥺 - midoriya anon

hi I did both cause they were cute.

also new posting format baby lets goooo 😎

its also like almost 3am and this is half-ass edited so forgive me but I hope its alright

prompt 74 : “You’ve shown me what love can feel like.”

prompt 76 : “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

reassurance.

‣ pairing : bakugo x fem reader.

‣ oneshot.

‣ synopsis : bakugo finally confronts his girlfriend on why she’s been so distant.

‣ wordcount : 2.1k

‣ warnings : swearing, angst if you squint.

a series of heavy knocks could be heard on the other side of her door, immediately alerting her of who exactly it was. there was only one boy in the u.a dorms who could knock like he was about to punch straight through the wooden panel, and that was, of course, bakugo katsuki.

(name) shut off her phone and pulled her pillow over her head, dreading the conversation she knew would come about if she let him inside. so naturally, she ignored the knocks in hopes that the blonde who was about to start throwing down with her door would go away.

but we all know katsuki is far too stubborn for that.

another series of much louder knocks erupted from the doorway, as bakugo grew more and more impatient from the lack of response.

“oi, open up already dumbass, I know you’re in there.”

truth is, (name) had found herself in a bit of a rut, and had been feeling rather insecure for the past few weeks. the first little while she’d been begun feeling that way, she was able to bite the bullet and keep going about her life, pushing most of her negative thoughts aside as best she could. but now, for the past 5 or so days she’s been completely cut off.

talking to her boyfriend about things wasn’t hard for her. she trusted him and didn’t find it too difficult to open up when something was bothering her, but this was different.

insecurity was something bakugo typically didn’t acknowledge and quite frankly, looked down on most of the time. (name) didn’t wanna find herself bothering him with something she knew he most likely would think is annoying, hence the multiple weeks she had kept quiet about it, hoping it would go away on its own or she’d be able to figure it out herself.

unfortunately for her, things didn’t go quite according to plan when she continued to spiral downwards.

she’d been quiet in her classes, noticeably dodging bakugo and her friends, not sticking around for lunch or after training like she normally would, and everyone noticed she was off. everyone including katsuki.

he wanted to give her space to ‘sort her shit out’ before he began pestering and questioning her, as normally he’d want the same thing, but now it was coming up on a week and they’d hardly spoken. a few mutters of (name) saying “cant, homework.” or “sorry, I’m tired.” was all that had been said that week.

so naturally, bakugo got tired of all the silence and went to do what he did best. confront her. he wanted to know what the hell was going on, he was tired of pulling his hair out trying to figure out what he did wrong.

(name) didn’t answer the door once more. she knew she had fucked up pretty bad by ignoring him, but she didn’t know what else to do. and now she had to confront whatever problem she may have caused, which only made her want to curl up and hide more.

alas, when she heard a much softer, much quieter,

“please?”

coming from the hallway, she broke.

standing up with a heavy sigh, the (colour) haired girl stood up from her bed, rubbing her eyes and walking over to unlock the door, immediately going and flopping down into her mattress afterwards.

katsuki walked inside, shutting the door behind him and shoving his hands into the pockets of his black sweats. scanning over her figure, he took note of her tired eye bags, messy thrown up hair, and these fuzzy black penguin patterned pyjama pants which he knew she only wore when she was upset. paired with one of his hoodies she had stolen, of course.

“you look like shit.” bakugo grumbled, going and sitting down on the end of her bed, sinking into the soft (colour) duvet on top.

“good to see you too, babe.” (name) replied sarcastically, turning and shoving her face into a pile of her pillows.

there was an uncomfortable silence hanging over the room for a moment as katsuki figured out what he wanted to say, and it was obvious that (name) wasn’t gonna say anything first. with a heavy sigh, the blonde ran a hand through his thick, spiky hair and spoke up.

“did I- did I do something or whatever the fuck?” he asked, his words a bit harsh but his much quieter tone helping to deliver them much easier.

(name) bit the inside of her cheek gently, keeping her face hidden in the pile of sheets and freshly washed pillows.

“what makes you think that?” her response was mumbled by the fabric practically eating her face.

“don’t play dumb, shithead. you’ve been dodging me all week. you’re normally all- all clingy and shit and you never cancel plans.”

clingy. that one stung a bit.

“so if I did something to piss you off just- just fucking tell me already cause I’m getting really damn tired of-“

“you didn’t do anything, alright? chill out.” (name) cut him off, rolling onto her back so now the couple was making eye contact once more.

bakugo tsked, throwing his hands in the air a bit and letting them fall onto his lap.

“so then why the hell have you been blowing me off all week, huh?”

(name) sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes and sliding her hands down her face as she struggled with how exactly to articulate that she’d been feeling incredibly insecure and didn’t wanna be a nuisance to him without sounding like an absolute moron.

“I just- I’ve just been feeling shitty lately and I didn’t wanna bug you with it while I sort things out, okay?” she explained vaguely, nervously fidgeting with her fingers while she avoided his gaze.

when she mentioned she hadn’t been feeling well, bakugo softened up a little bit. he knew sometimes she got like this, having periods of time where she just wasn’t herself, but normally she came to him herself and told him what was up. so he couldn’t quite understand why this time was different.

bakugo sighed and stood up to go lay beside her, propping himself up on his elbow while resting his cheek in the palm of his hand.

“well why did you just say that in the first place, dumbass?”

he wasn’t a great advice giver, and he wasn’t great at comforting, but when it came to things like this he was a pretty good listener, so he always offered up his ears when (name) was feeling down.

“what’s got you down, huh? talk to me already.”

the girl beside him continued to fidget and play with her fingers, debating on whether she actually wanted to explain to him her feelings, or just shrug him off and do her best to convince the blonde it was something else.

she was ping-ponging back and forth. lie and most likely not get away with it but still not sound stupid, or tell the truth and have your boyfriend think you’re an idiot. a wide variety of lovely choices she had to choose from.

yet, in the end, she decided it would be best to be honest with him. oftentimes, nothing good came out of lying in these types of scenarios, and she surely didn’t want to fuck up more than she already might have. sure, katsuki wasn’t mad for the time being, but that boy’s temper can switch on and off like a light sometimes. so she still approached the situation cautiously.

“I feel just- annoying and like I’m a bother to you with this shit all the time so I didn’t wanna throw all my problems or whatever into you again, alright?

you’re practically this idol student who’s so damn cocky and confident in himself, so when….”

she sighed, trying to find the words once more.

“when I start feeling gross and insecure, or when I’m starting to completely flop in some of my classes, I just- i feel like I just become this huge weight on your back and..” she swallowed, slowing herself down as she felt herself begin to rant.

“…and it’s embarrassing! you shouldn’t have to deal with me feeling like an idiot, you have enough on your plate as it is and- and I should be able to deal with this kind of shit on my own, not immediately run to you whenever I feel-”

(name’s) midoriya-muttering speed ranting was cut off when a familiar pair of plush lips were pressed up against her own, immediately shoving all her worries into the back of her mind. she hadn’t realized how much she missed something as simple as a kiss from her boyfriend in the week she’d been distancing herself from him.

after a moment or so, when bakugo was sure she would be shut up enough for him to speak, he pulled away.

rolling onto his back, bakugo waved her over to him, using his other hand to prop up his head from behind.

“come here, just be quiet and listen for a sec will ya?”

(name) was not hesitant to cuddle right up into his side, tangling her legs in with his and resting her head atop his toned chest. after wrapping an arm tightly around her shoulders, rubbing her back slowly, the boy began to speak.

“it’s my job to be here for you, okay idiot? as sappy as it sounds, when you’re upset, I’m upset too. I don’t like seeing you down, it makes me feel like a shitty boyfriend for not bein’ able to help.” he leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

“you shouldn’t be embarrassed to tell me shit, doesn’t matter how stupid you think it is.

nobody’s perfect, alright? get that through your head.” bakugo said, flicking her forehead gently. (name) chuckled quietly.

“even you?”

“only sometimes, but that doesn’t leave this room.” bakugo answered, smirking to himself.

“listen, I know you’re a badass, and you can get through shit on your own. you’re strong as hell.

but that doesn’t mean you can’t take it. speaking from experience, sometimes it’s better to just bite your tongue and accept the help from people that care about you.”

(name) listened to every word that he said very carefully, letting them sink in as she processed them. it was rare that bakugo got like this, but when he did, it was rather impressive how easy he was able to make her feel better. his advice sucked half the time, sure, considering “blasting the fuckers to hell” isn’t always an option, but this kind of advice was something she’d keep with her always.

“you’re damn special, you know that? you’ve done somethin’ even better than getting a decent grade on your stupid chemistry test.”

bakugo stated, leaning his head back so his gaze was fixated on the ceiling, closing his eyes with a sigh. (name) furrowed her eyebrows together slightly, tilting her head up to look at her boyfriend.

“wait, but what did I do exactly?” she asked, curiosity lacing her tone. bakugo placed a hand on top of her head, ruffling her hair a bit.

“you’ve shown me what love can feel like. somethin’ I thought i’d never know or go through. so to do that, you’ve gotta be pretty fuckin’ incredible.”

(name) smiled up at him and leaned up a bit more to kiss his jaw, returning to her comfy spot on his chest right after.

“I’m sorry that I get like this. I’ll work on it, ‘kay?” (name) said quietly, still feeling a bit bad that bakugo had to go and tell her all this, though she can’t deny that it made her extremely happy to hear.

“shut up with that already, will you? you know I wouldn’t change a damn thing about you.”

and that was enough to reassure (name) almost completely, that her negative feelings and emotions weren’t as bad as she had been painting them out to be.

with a soft smile, and a slow close of her eyes, (name) nuzzled closer up into bakugo, her cheek squished up against his chest.

“I love you, you big softie.”

“yeah yeah, whatever. I love you too.”

[tigerdrop]

okay kind of obsessed with the body swap art tho. idk why i just like benrey getting to bully gordon with his own body, his own voice, and i like gordon trying to navigate whatever weird shit benrey’s got going on. gordon not being able to figure out or control whatever organs in benrey’s throat produce sweet voice so it’s just spewing whatever emotions he’s feeling at random (including Horny? uh oh. can’t hide that as easily as a surprise boner can you gordon?)

this ask kicked me into actually thinking about it and your brain is so huge. massive. i lost control

last night i was struggling to articulate thoughts for the body swap thing but this is kickstarting me. i. really love bodyswap stuff........(sighing) i am yet again having to confront the fact that i latched onto an embarrassing number of Things after having first read about them in [REDACTED]. truly hate being alive

so like......potions. you can get into a whole lot of weird stuff with potions. truly loving that darnolds 5-minute existence gives me an excuse to think of the stupidest horny potions scenarios

and why in the fuck wouldnt he have a bodyswap potion just chillin in his lab. why wouldnt benrey crack that bad boy open and take a sip while darnolds bitching at him "dont you touch any of those goddamn potions. im not gonna tell you which ones which so if you die, you die"

gordon claps benrey on the back afterwards like "well, thats a risk im perfectly happy for him to take" but uh oh you fucking buffoon. the touch is what activates it. and shit just starts spinning and schlorping in his mind and he nearly falls over clutching the lab bench next to him and when he cracks his eyes back open, hes........shorter. and everybodys asking if somebodys okay but that somebody isnt him and hes kind of miffed about that

and then gordons head turns and he sees Himself being steadied on his feet by tommy and darnold and hes like.......guys? guys. hello! and the sound of benreys voice coming out of him with that irritated and loud timbre makes everybody turn to face him........b/c that is so insanely weird coming from him

im like way into the idea of benreys, like, Eye Darkness Thing transferring to gordons face when their bodies are swapped, too. its just his malevolent energies manifesting physically no matter what body hes in

Wait god wait. Like. Benrey in Gordon's body and he gets horny for some reason and has to live Gordon's fucking pained life of the suit edging the hell outta him- Bc now Gordon can actually fucking jerk off for the the first time in days. No edging bullshit from the hev suit

benreys newfound appreciation for why gordons such a bitch all the time

RRRRRRRRRRR gordon able to go wild beating his meat that night finally but right before he does he stops because hes looking down at. 8)!

YES EXACTLY....... gordon freeman humbled by the sight of benreys huge meat. except its his meat now 

at first he only feels mildly weird about jacking it when hes not even in his own body right now but hes been edged for days now and hes just thinking "if i can just get this out of the way now, ill be clear-headed for however fucking long im stuck in black mesa. maybe this is why ive been so goddamn stupid lately. yeah"

but then he gets some time and space to himself at long last and unzips and the shock of seeing benreys huge uncut dick instead of his own brings him back to reality like "?oh my god what the fuck am i doing"

embarrassment! guilt! but also hes still fuckin horny and eventually curiosity wins out. whats the harm, right. its not like he has to say anything about it. and gordon freeman is (mostly) heterosexual and hes never been this up close and personal with a foreskin before and hes just......curious. scientifically

maybe hes even.......locked himself inside one of the company restrooms while hes at it. just to make sure hes got privacy. and there is a mirror right there........  he was gonna just bust one out and leave as fast as he can but now hes curious

starts. thumbing the hem of his shirt under benreys vest. starts lifting it up experimentally just to see where all that hair leads. out of curiosity. and seeing the curve of benreys stomach peek out in the mirror makes him hiccup on sweet voice inadvertently 

weirdly enough theres a part of him thats both relieved and disappointed that hes never seen that color before

he never envisioned that seeing benrey like this would be a turn-on but like......with that vest and that helmet on he just looks like some kind of fuckin roundish rectangle shape. but now gordons intimately familiar with how his body feels to move around in......what hes gotta look like underneath all that armor and ill-fitting work clothes......and the hornier he gets the stupider he gets

takes off the helmet.......just to test the waters. if somebody manages to bust in, thats not so weird to explain. and hes surprised by the shock of black hair he finds under there. he doesnt know what he was expecting....but honestly, benrey looks, like, kind of nice like that. more like a person

im slightly obsessed with the idea of benrey just not even registering as a Real Guy, physically, to gordon, one that he could possibly be attracted to, until hes out of his work uniform.......like hes more of an icon of a person than anything up until that point. pure signifier. no substance

like......you know......the equivalent of how benreys HL model registers to 99% of people watching the series. sure, thats not necessarily anything youd register as "hot", most likely, but then u peel that away and its like........Oh

the model is the icon and the representation of the icon is the real

and gordon runs a hand thru benreys hair and tries out one of those shitty little smirks benrey likes to use on him and the effect is.......dizzying. is that him? is that what benrey really looks like to him?? he feels fuckin salacious doing this

he can even.........get his face up close to the mirror and really look at those teeth

run his tongue over them experimentally.......feel their sharp edges.......and, no, theyre not sharp like a knife, but they are definitely pointy. and surprisingly well-kept......hes never seen benrey brush his teeth before but clearly he must. theyre so smooth and slick under his fingertips

and then he flushes and drops his hand b/c hes getting some weird fucking thoughts right now........but looking back up at himself in the mirror and seeing benreys face all wide-eyed and red makes the issue worse

oh, you really like seeing him look like that, dont you. and gordons pissed b/c this isnt even his fucking brain but its still whispering the exact same neurotic, self-defeating shit at him that hes trying very hard to tamp down

and then he starts getting a little crazier. taking off the vest. he can explain that, no problem. its just kind of hot. heavy. he needed a breather! its normal. just in here to splash some water on his face and cool down, nothing wrong with that. but that just makes benreys shirt all the easier to access.......and he tugs the hem of it just a little higher and looks at himself in the mirror and runs a thumb over the curve of his stomach, where the hair is thickest, and he shivers

gordon freeman is deeply normal and would never get off to the sight of a guy with arms the size of his head tentatively dragging the hem of his shirt up, just for gordon to look at him closer

hands shaking from nerves as he decides to loosen his tie and start unbuttoning and he sees more and more hair-dusted skin and muscle and fat and a thin sheen of sweat reveal itself

> i could see gordon trying to tense and flex the muscles a bit just because hes normal

HE IS, AND HE WOULD

he doesnt know when "being horny b/c hes been pent up and edged for days and he just needs to get his rocks off real quick so he can be normal again" turned into "being horny b/c the way benrey looks under his uniform is scary good to him" but if he thinks about that too hard hes gonna have a panic attack

tells himself that its all just because he hasnt been able to get off. thats why hes thinking this shit. hell stop thinking it once he nuts

> hey this is a quick aside but yknwo how he talks to himself in third person sometimes? what if he does and then kinda does a mental double take at how his name sounds coming out of benreys mouth, with his voice. ok thats it goodbye

oh ym god thats making me go insane. doing it by accident and then.........saying it again. on purpose. just to hear benreys voice doing it

getting one knee hitched up onto the sink and leaning forward with his arm braced against the mirror and his forehead leaning on his arm and tugging benreys dick (no, idiot, thats your dick right now, stop thinking about it) and tentatively groaning out his own name and it comes out so hoarse and desperate that it punches him straight in the gut (too bad, hes thinking about it, he cant not think about it, not with the way he looks and sounds right now)

> remember in the series when benrey called him gordon one (1) time and he noticed immediately and was like..i think thats the first time youve called me by my name.

he looks so fucked out and slutty in that mirror that it almost makes him pass out

eyes darting like hes trying to commit every single detail of how he looks right now to memory (b/c he is. he fucking is. he wants to make benrey look like this so fucking bad. just for him. wreck him and get him flushed and sweaty and panting and moaning gordons name and jesus christ, okay, thats where his brains taking him. okay. cool)

hes dizzying himself thinking about it. he knows benreys hot for him by this point, theoretically. assuming his weird come-ons werent just jokes. benrey would probably let him do this to him. benrey would probably want him to touch his dick. gordon thinks about how good it might feel for his own hand to be on benreys dick and he cant get himself solidly into one headspace or another - hes gordon, hes benrey, he wants to touch, he wants to be touched, he wants to feel his own hand on this dick (and god, maybe he could. maybe he could ask. wouldnt that be crazy.)

benrey in gordons suit and gordons body and gordons face leaning over him, b/c fuck, he really is tall compared to benrey, hes figured that one out awful quick. and gordons (his) hand on his (benreys) dick and stroking him and leering down at him with those dark, dark eyes that dont even really look like his eyes, anymore, not with the way theyre shaded over, and hearing his (benreys) (his) voice moaning out his (gordons) (definitely gordons) name and all the little "pleases" and "thank yous" that he cant stop letting out b/c benreys voice was made for it, made to beg and whine and ask so nicely, and his heads spinning as he comes all over the fucking mirror and sink

> i wonder if this could be combine with the ideas that parts of the self or like mind is still a bit left behind if that makes sense, like with benrey also wanting this that part of the reason gordon wants to say those things

"do you want to fuck him or do you want to be him?" well my good bitch, perhaps you can have a little of both. welcome to my personal hell

hes never come so hard in his fucking life and the noise that rips out of him when he does, finally, after days of being jerked around (ha ha) makes his ears burn with shame

now if you really wanna go crazy. imagine that benreys up and walking around this whole time b/c being edged by his stupid broken suit is making it impossible for him to sleep, and he hears........all of this. stops and presses himself flat agains tthe wall to listen

he cant actually get into the bathroom to scare the shit out of gordon/offer to join in/etc, b/c this stupid flesh body of gordons cant even noclip, but he can press his ear to the door and. listen. and he can flush all the way down to his chest when he hears gordon in there, moaning out his own name with benreys voice

so thats what gordon wants him to do, huh. thats what hes thinking about.

poor benrey, tho. he gets to experience just a lick of the endless fucking suffering that gordon goes thru every single day just by being alive, and "the HEV suit trying and failing to suck him off to completion while his dick twitches against the hard metal of the interior every time gordon groans in there" is just one small part of it

anyway . see ya. my final message

[kineticallyanywhere]

I'd love to hear those fusion thots :eyes: the pacific rim ones were V good

If you’ve been around this house for a hot minute you might know that fusion aus are My Entire Jam Garden so you might imagine I’ve already put some thought into this and you would imagine right. The following was brainstormed in consort with @aryashi my second brain. 

The basis for this au is that fusion is possible in the forgotten realms and is just a thing people there can do. This also applies to sudden interdimensional travelers. 

tl;dr I wrote basically a one-shot’s worth of words down there but in short fusion is rad but also there's an unexpected amount of drama. which is basically a summary of the podcast but replace "fusion" with "fatherhood"

(preface: fusion is not a sex metaphor, just like pacific rim. Platonic fusion is normal. Familial fusion is normal. Okay, continue.) 

First inter-dad fusion: “I silence his dumb ass with a kiss” except its “I silence his dumb ass by accidentally fusing our bodies and consiousnesses into a single being w h o o p s” 

I like to name fusions as something other than their romantic ship name so let’s call him… o h yeah we named all of Henry’s fusions after animals. So this guy is Hare (like Darryl). Hare is pretty stable from the outside, but their internal dialogues clash really hard so they're incredibly slow to make decisions. 

Internally, Henry feels like he's crossed Darryls boundaries. They have to hold it, but he lets Darryl take the wheel and all similar mistakes are made. They make it through the thing with the Lance before unfusing. Darryl has no idea what that was and already has a lot of intimacy issues, so he’s not particularly inclined to try that again for funsies. Henry is curious, but there’s a buried part of him that’s making him deeply unsettled by the whole experience. He can barely have a straight thought about it, much less articulate the feeling, so he doesn’t try. He lets it go. 

First sons fusion: When the Lord of Chaos throws back his robe, yelling “Dad! !” it’s a GIANT Lark&Sparrow. They’re like trying to fuse two rubies together, you just get a bigger ruby. This changes a bit later, when the twins start to diverge from each other vis a vis Love Wolfism, but basically the Lord of Chaos is an Oak Twin the size of their dad. But still looks 12. It probably actually takes the Love Wolf speech from Henry and their divergent reactions to get them to unfuse. 

Second inter-dad fusion: That other time Henry and Darryl smooched while high on drug flowers. It was very unpleasant, they don’t talk about it, they don’t try that again for a while. 

They get a book on fusions from the Library that reads almost like a birds and the bees talk and there is minor culture-shock panicking about whether fusion is Like That, but something in Henry is telling him “No. It’s not Like That.” He doesn’t really know why he’s so solid in that belief. He understands that fusion is unique and powerful and a wonderful thing, but something about doing it is just… getting under his skin. 

Third inter-dad fusion: Glenn and Ron. I’m not even sure the exact context or anything. Maybe they were just vibin’. All I really know is that I imagine these two occasionally fuse for the weirdest things, like

Fourth inter-dad fusion: also Glon, fishing magic items out of a giant toilet. They needed to be taller. 

Glon is… gosh, what the heck is Glon. Performative out the ass, for sure. Down for basically anything. Allowed to wear bootie shorts. 

Back up a hot minute though, because first dad-son fusion: almost happens on the Tower of Terry. It comes so close. They’re in that hug, and Ron thinks maybe if they fuse, the magic won’t take TJ. Or even if it takes them both, that’s better than TJ getting taken alone. They don’t have to say “I’m sorry” or “I love you, son” out loud, but before it really takes, Terry gets ripped away. Because Willy can’t have that, can he? 

Fifth inter-dad fusion: is Glon again, but the circumstances are way different because Ron just saw the mummy of his wife and Glenn is trying to help him breeze past it and it works until it doesn’t and they fall apart with Ron a crying mess. 

Sixth inter-dad fusion buckle up because we’ve reached Ravenloft. Before dad-fusion 6, Henry gets caught in his dad’s claws. He feels something very familiar and rejects it with everything he has, and escapes to grab Glenn. Then he gets hit by Calm Emotions, Glenn reaches up, trying not to fall, and Henry is already super chill about everything all of a sudden, so when Glenn tries to fuse out of panic, Henry goes for it. 

Gila—Henry and Glenn—can do actual bard magic. They’re like Opal, in that a single moment of disconnect is enough to snap them apart and finding that disconnect is not difficult. But when the situation is saving their kids and telling their asshole dads to get lost, that’s plenty enough connection to cast an actual magic-ass thunderwave with a guitar and maybe a bit more. 

(Barry didn’t like that.) 

So another fun thing about adding this factor to cannon is that this lets the dads have glimpses inside each other’s heads. So certain conversations could change a little bit. For example, in the van while they’re driving away from the Ravenloft fight and Henry’s explaining a few things. 

Henry: I don't have a lot of memories from that time in my life—  Glenn: Not a lot? Try "not any.” Henry: Glenn—  Glenn: Dude, none of my business, but your brain was weird.  Henry: Glenn.  Glenn: Like did the government get to you when you showed up on earth or—   Henry: Glenn what the fff—rick are you even saying just shut up Darryl: …

Darryl had noticed, too, but Glenn has other fusion experience to compare with. Henry could catch glimpses and imprints and trains of thought which ground in different points of Darryl/Glenn’s entire life, and Glenn and Ron can do that equally with each other. But a bunch of things for Henry, if you try to backtrack to where the decision comes from it just. Stops. Especially with using magic, which Glenn got to do. And Henry’s thoughts on fusion end dead hard. 

(filtering all of this through Freddie’s headcanon that Glenn always figured Henry was from Faerun but was just wildly wrong about all the details is so much fun)

This is the part in the fic series where there’s a one-shot about Henry having a panic attack just outside of the camp at night, and the most he can explain is just that something about seeing his dad again set him off. 

And then we get to a lighter turn for first dad-son fusion but for realsies this time: Ron Stampler nat 20s to hug his son and then also is the son. And that dad. And dads are supposed to be inside to do a ritual for a demon cow. 

RJ is the sweetest dude. Also if you don’t sit on him he will wander off and do the most extreme version of the first thing that comes to his mind for a problem solution or release from boredom. And he will not tell you about it in advance, so seriously. Sit on him. 

So they stand there for a second like "yes... Yes. Yes... Okay. Im... I'm the dad. But I'm the kid? But im. The dad. And all the other dads are also the kid so... Dad... Trumps kid status. And I'm the dad... Cool." and they go in to help with the demon cow. 

The kids are flipping out outside. 

Henry spots them and drops the cage, almost like he’s Garnet and just spotted Stevonnie. While all the other dad’s are freaking out/fawning/curious, Glenn lifts their glasses and theres four eyes and he drops the glasses and never mentions this again. 

Rj: hi um. I'm a dad.... Yeah. So I'm here tooooooo frickin kill a demon cow let's do this Rj: got the good dad vibes comin out of my butt

For realsies though Terry should be outside, so they unfuse for the cow thing and the bbq but then Dennis happens. 

Second dad-son fusion: Dennis: are you sure you've got this?  Ron: i can do it  TJ: he can DO it dad GIVE ME YOUR HAND

RJ’s an arcane trickster and it’s real cool and Dennis looks so jealous ha ha ha and also they separate after the fight and suddenly Terry’s unsettled and needs to talk to Ron for a second because “Hey Dad is Dennis not real????????” 

Third dad-son fusion: is way less eventful, but who the heck can say no to more reasons to cry about the Wilsons at the tail end of the Supper Bowl arc? 

Fusion is not a replacement for talking, but it is a bit smoother in communicating emotions. It doesn’t happen until the end of their talk, when Darryl’s got his arm around Grant. I don’t think either of them are super attached to this whole fusion thing, (If Grant is, it certainly wasn’t his dad he’d been thinking about trying it with. Maybe one of the other kids… “maybe Terry.”) so they may not even pick a name. Henry certainly cries at least twice as hard, but when they want to just get something to eat and maybe just hang out for a while, nobody pushes. 

I think the most important part of this is that it gives Grant a kind of… emotional break. Lets him feel something nice again— like he does in the show, too, but in a way that’s a bit more stable while it lasts. Like the feeling when you’re a kid on a long car ride with your parents, one that ends in getting home late and you’ve fallen asleep and they carry you out of the car. 

Good things for Grant Wilson for til forever. 

Somewhere in that arc, though, Glenn approaches Henry by themselves. Glenn’s not really a feelings guy, but whatever’s going on in Henry’s head is a problem. It’s a one-up the o-dads have on them, and they can’t afford that right now. 

Glenn: so you like... Really don't hardly remember being a kid?  Henry: Glenn, I don't want to talk about it  Glenn: I bet your dad's gonna wanna talk about it  Henry: well... i don't care what he wants  Glenn:... You seriously don't know how you got to earth?  Henry: [exasperated] the frick are you-- I got to earth like anyone else, Glenn. You know where babies come from, right?  Glenn: of course i fucking know where babies come from. A mommy and a daddy love each other very much and then their kid runs away so hard he skips dimensions  Henry: wh-- wait you-- do you think I'm an alien?  Glenn: obviously  Henry: Glenn that's-- [sighs, rubs his face] Glenn this isn't the kind of time for your conspiracies  Glenn: hey as far as I'm concerned, a man who sleeps with an axe under his pillow is a fool every night but one. and you shoot poison from your hands and shape shift into bears

Which adds nicely to the slide of heading to Oakveil next

Henry: y'know what. When we leave here, we can get my kids next.  Glenn: your interdimensional kids  Henry: to prove to you you're being crazy. Again.  Glenn: De Nial is a river man, and we left it back on earth

And one more dialogue bite, because…

Glenn: claim your powers latched onto you from this world all you want. But that language you and your dad spoke, didn't come out of the air, it came out of the door in your head

...fusion means the other dads get to learn about the metaphorical brain door. 

This brings us into the most recent arc, heading into Oakveil. He and Ron sneak in, and Beary tells Henry he’s home, and pieces start to click together. Henry’s from this world, so he understands why he’s had such a particular view on fusion and that basic cultural understanding. That it’s considered normal. And that it’s even normal for a kid’s first fusion to be with their parent. Their parent who loves them and knows them wants to see them grow. 

Bear Ry’Oak is not that. 

First O-dad fusion: Henry’s first fusion was with his dad. 

I think the worst thing is that, when fused with his dad, Hen doesn't feel like he's not himself. one of the interesting things about the Oaks is that they're kind of all slight alterations on the same traits. Like as gross as it feels to admit, Beary is just Henry but with the condescension turned up to a billion and his high horse is basically an elephant and no self-awareness or care for how others might have different perspectives from him

But Beary is still so overwhelming to Henry that it just flattens pretty much anything that makes Henry, Henry. Specifically the parts that Barry dislikes. like Henry's anger. To directly quote Aryashi: “Beary thinks using fusion for combat is barbaric. obviously fusion is for Conflict Resolution. Fuse with Beary so he can sort out your disagreement with him!”

(and then bathe in bleach)

So Beary finds them in Oakveil and Henry starts panicking and he tries to Handle Henry like he did when Henry was a kid, fusing with him to stomp down on his feelings to cut a panic attack or outburst off at the pass. If Henry's in no place to fight back it usually works, but if Ron's there--literally pressed against Henry's back--to see the fusion coming, maybe he reaches for a fusion, too, and lets Henry's instincts choose which pull to follow, and Henry's instincts choose Ron.

Seventh inter-dad fusion: Wren is suddenly there before Beary can even start his attempt to coach Henry through breathing (his half-effort to help Henry and be able to say that he tried freakin hate him) and is sitting on the ground and the disgusted look Beary gets seeing this. (Fusing with an outsider is something he considers so beneath his son.)

Beary:... Ah. Ronald.  Wren, existing, suddenly, and mostly being Ron's processing power as Henry's mental wheels try to slow down to match Ron's pace (cultivated through a childhood of dealing with Willy) rather than amp them both up: uhm... It's just Ron, actually Beary: would you mind... (there's other people around so he can't say "decontaminating") liberating my son. (as if ignoring the role his son had in choosing this fusion over his) Wren: Henry is uh... (me? Not me? Yes me, not up for this, we should go somewhere else that usually works fine, we can just leave and find the others and that'll be fine) he's good. We're good, we're gonna... (looking at the other people who look like Henry and the "not amping each other up” thing is working less and less)  Wren: bye

And then they just stand up and fast-walk away

Wren is either chill af and rolling with every punch or the living equivalent of a coke bottle that you popped a whole roll of mentos in and then closed immediately. At this moment, it’s very much the coke bottle side. Beary lets them go because he knows Henry will be back, and they make it just outside of town to where the others have just shown up before they fall apart. 

Ron: We found the door!  Darryl: what door?  Ron: the one in Henry's head!  And all the dads know what he's talking about Glenn: did you open it?  Henry: no  Ron: a little bit  Henry(probably now starting that panic attack): the anchors in there  Ron: his dad came out of it  Darryl: his dad???????? Henry, vulnerability, Oak: I AM FEELING VERY VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW AND I HATE IT  [chorus of mumbled sorrys] Ron: oh also Oakvale is Henry's home Darryl: WHAT Glenn: Uh hey anyone gonna pick up the phone cause I FUCKIN CALLED IT Henry: That's not my home! My home is with Mercedes back on Earth! Glenn: Yeah, this is just where you were born.  Henry: Glenn I swear to God-- Glenn: Dude lay off, I was agreeing with you! Home's where the heart meds are and all that jazz Darryl: Wait, you have heart meds? At home? When was the last time you took your heart meds? Glenn: Uhh... not since I came here? It's fiiiiiine. Never felt better! Ron: Not to interrupt but Henry's on the ground breathing funny. Glenn, are you sure you don't have any heart meds? Henry: being hugged by both of his sons in a simultaneous way that is not their normal simultaneous way (i.e. the Lord of Chaos way): WHY ARE MY SONS TALLER THAN ME Glenn: I'm more surprised that they're hugging you  Lord of Chaos: to assert dominance! Any moment now, we will turn this hug into a suplex!

And that basically brings us to now? I want a Triple Oak Fusion (the King of Chaos) but with how the fight with Beary went I’m not sure where it’ll go. OH YEAH. 

Autumn stopped fusing with Hen even when he was a kid because she couldn’t stand to see how much her son craved the approval of that evil man who stole her life away. And whether or not Henry ever fuses with anyone ever again after finding out he’s got Eldritch in him has gotta be up in the air. 

And at this point I could easily be convinced that the next inter-dad fusion is Darryl and Glenn, those beautiful idiots. They could be… Denn. Glarryl? We’ll workshop it. 

[theskyexists]

Firstly, lemme just say - I’m happily surprised that anyone might be looking forward to my rambles on the fiction I consume - cool!

Secondly, I agree with everything you’ve said.

I still can’t get over Yahima. Everything was wrong with that - didn’t make sense in or outside the narrative, they didn’t even treat Montrose’s random and insane ability to murder someone in cold blood seriously, looked like they just needed Yahima out of the way. Bad. Just Bad.

I loved the way black characters were the true protagonists in LC - but why throw the only goddamn native american away like a they’re just a plot device - like they mean nothing??? That’s.... almost a parody of real life. Do that shit to the white characters! Not somebody like Yahima!!! It does explain their treatment of Ji-ah as well. (But doesn’t explain why her episode was so incredible (imo))

Ruby/Christina was fascinating. They kept nuancing the relationship throughout the season - so??? And I’m not upset that they’re dead necessarily (well I am, mostly about Ruby because WHAT) - but they ended the whole thing in a 1 second flashback??? jeeze. You’re right - why include another reminder that Christina really cared about Ruby in the car accident scene and then relegate the climax of the betrayal/trust do they/will they? to a 1 second flashback? They threw that away like it meant nothing when it carried half the season!

I’d not realised that that was what Leti likely told Ruby about the Mark of Cain. Why....not actually show that? That’s not something that you can just leave out if that’s what swayed Ruby? But why the hell did Christina unMark Leti anyway? I didn’t see the point of that or the character continuity in that either.

I was like - wow! Ruby and Christina finally kissed as themselves! And then whether that meant anything was thrown out as irrelevant really. I wanted to see how far Ruby would go - what she really wanted from Christina vs. what she stood to lose. A conclusive answer on that. But no. I thought Christina was going to offer Ruby immortality as well! Or at least - I would have thought that would have come up at the very least? As...that would make them fundamentally equal/unequal? Christina was sharing - but was she sharing enough? what did Ruby really want?? That was my question. And how far would Christina go to give it to her? That was the whole push pull to them.

Ruby being the variable that led to her downfall would have been very poetic - you’re right -....if they had actually fully articulated that.... :///

You’re so RIGHT about the weird conflicting messages - Ji-ah being about choice and then the writers putting the words ‘there is no choice’ in a character’s mouth - and making it come true too. And then they namedrop the monster vs. ‘hero?’ (i also found that a weird choice of word - im sure thats not what they said during Ji-ah’s ep) but they don’t really carry it into the episode in truth.

More than anything the scene that was missing for Ji-ah was a scene with Leti - something about solidarity, and understanding, and support, and acceptance. I loved her being part of the family - but she just - was suddenly there.

When Dee was crushing Christina’s throat I was just going in my head: stop stop stop stop you gotta stop, Dee. But nope. The first thing she ever does with her new metal arm isn’t drawing, creating, it’s killing somebody in cold blood. My god. That’s such a hopeless message.

I think that throughout the episodes, they managed to make violence against white people feel both protective and cathartic, even if it was monstrous and gruesome. But to me they really missed the mark on this one. It was just watching Dee tipping over the edge into freefall.

why the heck did Hippolyta give her a ‘explode throat’ power setting on her rad arm that was meant for drawing cool comics???

I read a reply that said that Dee was reading Tic’s son’s book and that made it so she tried to kill Christina before she could do more/because it was preordained by the book - but they didn’t show us that either. She didn’t even go: hey so you’re responsible for my dad’s death huh? That might have even worked! would have tied Christina’s shitty ‘im not the bad guy really’ arc together if she’d denied it and told Dee that was her dad - and Dee could be like: yeah but you just stood by didn’t you.

Anyway - it all feels like they ran out of time - or got too attached to doing the ancestral thing slow - which is weird. The flashbacks really give me that impression.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[flowersfrombefore]

You’re Here (Roger Taylor X Reader)

Request from @i-got-no-rhythm “Roger comforting a depressed reader” Okay this probably isn’t exactly what you were looking for but I tried and I really hope you at least like it a bit, it’s less fluffy and just REAL. 

A/n: this took too long for a fic that isn’t even good but I never realized how hard trying to articulate what depression feels like is. (I, a depressed person, should be good at this but i’m not) Also during the last part I listened to a ton of those song manips that sound like you’re hearing them in a bathroom, specifically Can’t Help Falling In Love With You cause I’m a cheesy bitch and that’s what is playing at the end. 

THIS ISN’T EDITED IM SORRY 

Warning: Depression, bad writing 

It had been some time since you had last felt like this. You weren’t sure if you were feeling everything or nothing. You just knew that it felt heavy and that it was going to be hard to lift on your own. It all hit rather fast, out of the blue like it always did. You weren’t as used to the sudden wave of nothing as you had been before. 

You were at a party with the boys to celebrate their tour announcement. It was supposed to be fun right? You were supposed to be happy for the boys. nothing about tonight was supposed to be about you. But there you had been with Rogers arms around you singing along with everyone else to the music and it had still hit. You ignored it, or you tried at least. For a few minutes you pushed it aside and attempted to lose your thoughts in the fluorescent lights Freddie had managed to put up in his house, and the warmth of Roger’s body pressed against yours. You should have known better than to try and avoid the feeling for it had never come to any avail in the past.

You strained slightly against Roger’s embrace until he caught the hint and let you go. You turned to face him and when he met your eyes his calm smile shifted to worry. So it showed on your face than? You’d hoped after years you had gotten better at hiding how you felt from Rog but he always knew. He could look through you like you were a piece of glass. You hated to see him worry so you leaned into him and buried your head in his shoulder, letting one hand run up his back and rest in his hair. He drew his arms around you once again and pulled you closer.

You focused on his heartbeat, his breathing, the way his touch usually made you feel. You could feel the edge of what normally would be going through your body at any other time. It was like seeing a faded photograph from your favorite vacation as a child. You were numb. That’s what this was, absolutely numb to everything that usually made you alive. This shouldn’t be happening now! Not so suddenly, not at such a lovely time. You supposed that it was your brain getting back at you for being so very happy for the last few months. Like it was saying ‘You had a good run but here’s what’s built up while I’ve been away.’

You were brought out of thought by Roger’s voice as he leaned down, brushing his lips against the side of your cheek.

“I know something is wrong Y/N. I’m right here just tell me.” You felt like you were in a haze and his words hardly registered with you but they were enough to remind you where you were. ‘I am here, I’m safe. You will be alright just talk you can do that just ask for help.’ You said to yourself, trying to bring some kind of control back over your own thoughts, which were growing more and more deafeningly silent with every passing second. Trying to form some kind of a word you stepped back to look at him. He searched your face for an answer with so much concern in his eyes that you felt something. You felt something?

“Come on love, let’s go somewhere quiet. Good?” You closed your eyes and nodded leaning into his hand that he had placed on the side of your face. “Shit where around here would even be quiet.” He was right, Freddie’s parties were always so extravagant and full of people that a quiet room was impossible to find. Even if you found an empty area the clamor of guests could be heard anywhere, as could the music. Roger reached down and clasped your hand in his and began to lead you at the very least out of the main room of the party.

“Roger!” Freddie’s booming voice cut through the music and the drunken chatter of the guests. You both looked around to see Freddie standing on a table, a glass of champagne overflowing and spilling down his hands. “Darlings where are you running off to the party’s only getting started.” He’d jumped his way off the table and pushed his way through the crowd toward you and Roger. The infectious grin the was plastered across Freddie’s face was almost helpful in lifting some of the weight that was growing heavier on your chest. He was so happy. You didn’t want to take that away by letting him know that you weren’t okay. You half faked a wide smile and threw your arms out dramatically like you always did when you were going to give Freddie a hug.

“Oh come here dear, I’m so proud of you.” You said with a forced laugh. Freddie quickly threw his arms around you sweeping you right off the ground. In the force of his embrace some of his champagne spilled onto your shirt. You let out a small yell at the shock of the cold hitting your skin.

“Darling I’m so very sorry you can borrow something of mine until it dries.”

“No love, it’s alright I’ll just let it dry for a while we were leaving anyway.” You reached up on your tiptoes and kissed Freddie’s cheek. “Congratulations Fred, we’ll be back.” With this you turned, taking Roger’s hand and lead him across the room to one of Freddie’s giant bathrooms. Your shirt could dry off there. The interaction had given you a bit of your strength back. Enough at least to pull Roger into the bathroom with you, lock the door and practically collapse in his arms.  

It seemed that all the strength in your body had dissipated one the door had closed, Roger was the only thing keeping you from falling. ‘Seems like there’s a theme with that doesn’t it’ You said to yourself. There really was, always about to break, always about to fall, and it was always Rog who caught you right before. Now there was just a physical representation. Unfortunately this time for your mind it would be less catching and more pulling it back out of a lake after it drowned.

It took you a moment to notice that you were being held up against a wall.

“Rog?”

“I’m just making sure you don’t fall Y/N.” He lifted some of the pressure he had been putting on you and you managed to stand. Leaning down, Roger kissed you gently and rested his forehead on yours. His hand still held yours as he ran his thumb along the side of it.

“Now, what’s going on. I- I thought it had been a while since one of these.” Of course he knew what this was. You let out a shaky breath that you’d been seemingly holding for a while.

“It has. I’m sorry Roger I don’t know what happened. It just..” You were at least getting words out now easily but trying to explain what was going on was hard enough when you were even completely coherent. “It just came on so fast I felt like all the air got knocked out of me. Roger I’m trying to feel something but I just can’t.” The moment the thought crossed your lips the nothing receded and every single emotion that was repressed broke the flood gates. Tears started to fall from your eyes. Now you didn’t know what was worse, the nothing or the everything.

“That looks like something.” He said gently tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. He pulled you close and let you cry, for seconds or minutes or hours you didn’t know how long until you ran dry.  Roger didn’t let it phase him once, he simply brushed a hand through your hair and occasionally whispered an ‘I love you, I’m here, your safe.’

Wiping your eyes you pulled him down to kiss you. You felt it this time. You felt the love and warmth that usually flowed through you when your lips were on his, even if right now it still felt muffled. A real smile crept across your lips for a moment. Not to say that whatever was going on was over, but at least what was supposed to make you happy was working again. You broke the kiss to look up at the beautiful boy standing in front of you. He still looked worried, or dare you say scared.

“Love, I need you to tell me if you’re alright. Please just let me know.” He was scared, you could hear it in his voice and from everything he’s seen in the past with you he had a reason.

“No, I’m really not. But it’s better than ten minutes ago.” It wasn’t a lie you were feeling again at the very least. Even if feeling meant all the bad things came through it still meant what Roger made you feel was there. “I know you wan’t to fix it roger but you can’t. Just stay with me.” You’d told him this before so many times, He couldn’t fix you no matter how hard he tried. No matter how tightly he held you, trying to keep all the pieces of you together. You let go of him and got yourself the the mirror, you looked like an absolute mess. Your eyes were red from crying and the stains on your face from the tears would take forever to get rid of. “Guess there’s no hiding this if we go back out there.” You said out loud, mostly to yourself.

Roger understood that you were trying to shift the mood that you had both been drowning in for however long you had been here. He never really knew why you tried to dismiss the sadness when you were feeling it, but he knew it made things easier for you. He wished you would just tell him what it felt like. You’d always felt bad that he worried so much for you even when you were happy. He’d seen you enough times plaster a smile on yourself so that no one would ask what was wrong.

“Come help me take this shirt of baby, it’s absolutely stuck.” You’d forgotten about Freddie spilling his drink all over you until you looked in the mirror to see your absolutely soaked through shirt. In a moment you had both managed to work together and get the soaked material off of you and hanging on a sink to dry off, leaving you in just a lacy bra.

Concern still rested on Rogers face. You reached up to cup his face in your hands and made him look at you. “When you worry it scares me Rog, just be with me okay? Just hold onto me.” Through the walls of the bathroom you could hear the loud music blasting throughout the house. The sounds were muffled but you could hear the songs well enough. This gave you an idea. You gave him a soft smile and placed and hand on his shoulder. “Dance with me!”

So there the two of you danced, pressed close together swaying to the stifled sound of Elvis playing through the party. With every second you started to feel more alive. Less like you were under water or less like you were out of control. Rogers arms around your waist now brought you back to earth completely. You were here and you felt it. You still felt the weight you had before, it wouldn’t go away so easily but you were distracted and that was enough for now.

“Y/N, I love you and I will always be here I promise. I know you don’t like worrying me but I just want you to be okay.” He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and held you tighter than before.

The last lyrics of the song faded out as you danced and both of you quietly sang the last word. You were here, you were safe. You were loved.

“But I can’t help falling in love with you…”

[willieowinsbury]

i’ve decided to rank hozier songs because i can and i feel like it

22. sedated: this song is solid, but sort of plain. makes you nod your head along but no dancing or mouthing along. it sort of feels like an amalgam of every hozier song. doesn’t slap. its the c- of hozier songs

21. someone new: cute, but sort of like a middle song in a wedding. nobody really talks about it for a reason. makes you smile, but not very catchy

20. run: its haunting, but not a cool kind of haunting, more just gives you the creeps. the chorus is pretty good though, and the lyrics seem like something you’d hear in poetry, so it’s better than the other two

19. moment’s silence (common tongue): this is the first song on this list that is legitimately catchy. its a song you turn up on the radio, but not by much. its fun, its bluesy, got some catholic imagery. its good, but its not “wow!” good. c maybe c+

18. better love: this was written in a month, and it feels rushed. a bit too fast, and if hozier had more time, im convinced he would have slowed it down. its the first powerful, devotional, love song on the list. i’ve heard people don’t like the drums, but im convinced its the extra singers and violin in the background. im always a violin advocate, but you’ve gotta pick like two instruments andrew. its crowded, but its got that power so its higher than say, sedated

17. from eden: i know everybody loves this, and i agree its pretty good, but i think the song could’ve used some more haunting parts? way extra points for the bridge after the third verse, thats super cool. i’d give it a b

16. nfwmb: i legitimately really like this song. it hits all the points, haunting, devotional love, necromancy, comparing your partner to nature, low bass. its a great low and sort of dirty song that could have used some higher string instruments. theres nothing wrong with this song in particular, i just like the others better. again, a b

15. movement: idk how y’all feel about this one, its his newest, but its one of his building songs. the atmosphere is different, and the lyrics are sub-par for hozier, but something about it just goes so hard. b+

14. take me to church: this was his first hit, and we’re all tired of it by now, but giving it a listen again, if not for the overplayedness, it would be more like a 6 or 5, not 14. a solid jam. gets bumped over movement for pagan imagery

13. jackie and wilson: someone new if it slapped. super relatable and arguably more lesbian than from eden, which i will argue. i mean, seeing a woman across the bar and immediately imagining your future kids and house? and getting so caught up in it you don’t notice when she leaves? big dyke mood, also super fun and catchy. feels like spring cottage cleaning watching cartoons on a saturday morning. b+

12. arsonists lullaby: this song starts of as innocuous and gets darker. really feel the fire and brimstone and rage and power of idk. mental illness? pyromancy? anyway it makes you want to dance naked around the bonfire, like in that scene at the end of the witch. one of the few powerful dark hozier songs with a snare drum beat, our first a-

11. shrike: its bittersweet ending of a relationship, and he conveys the pain and love perfectly, and the irish accent is the best. feels like a song at the end of a movie when two people who maybe could have made it break up, and maybe one dies in a war or something. its beautiful and lonely, and vocals are really great on this one

10: angel of small death and codeine scene: this song sorta feels like the folk/blues version of an answering song to dangerous woman by ari. mood is loving a woman who’s bad for you but you just can’t help yourself. the guitar isn’t my favorite instrument, but i really like it here. would be very energetic and rockin at a concert, love

9: nina cried power: i love this one, and its powerful and full and angry and sad, but there’s something fundamentally hozier missing from this one. i love it, but it doesn’t give me that fantasy inducing feeling, which might be an artistic choice. either way, a-

8. in the woods somewhere: the haunting, soulful, fever-esque, version of run. its the mind of someone whos going mad, in the woods. its a top tier hozier song. the clapping that you don’t really notice until you are only paying attention to the song adds to the maddening atmosphere, as well as the low and slow bass. the harmony in the bridge is keening, and this is one of the first songs that really screams hozier for me

7. cherry wine: bringing back the bittersweet love aspect again that he seems to capture so well, hozier uses such beautiful imagery in this song, you feel as if you’re in a cottage, doing ballet barefoot at dawn on dusty wooden floors, doing housework. its desperate in a way no other hozier song has lived up to. its keeping up appearances, stroking a baby bird oh so carefully, grazing your fingers over unused fiddle strings. it’s sad, and bitter, and so full of love. the first a

6. it will come back: the heavy drum and guitar are reminiscent of classic rock, but slows down so quickly at points it leaves you delerious and determined. it’s a stubborn song, it sneaks up on you on how much you love it. its toeing some sort of line. its falling in love with a monster

5. like real people do: it’s loving each other knowing you aren’t going to last, secrets that you don’t want to know, wanting enough time as possible before you have to leave. its beautiful and sad, and the harmony adds so much, and the beat is slightly like a heartbeat, steady, and there, but so quiet you barely notice. makes you smile sadly, a rare occurrence

4. in a week: something about this one is so sad and it reminds you of the place you were born. or maybe thats just me, i was born in iowa. its the same message from like real people do with a twist. you don’t have much time to love someone. it builds and builds and builds and is a tangle of messes and complications, and suddenly is so so simple. its longing, its wishing you had more time, its the last kiss in a battle in slow motion. bared necks and prarie grass, this song is about dying in the place you were made. the simple beat and melody give this song exactly what it needs to thrive. a

3. foreigner’s god: this is precisely the opposite of in a week, about dying in a place you were not born. about not knowing who you are anymore, about pleading with god, any god to spare you, let you go home. the fast beat in the chorus isn’t chaotic, but angry and sad and begging. its grief in every form, guarded and raw, hozier makes you examine your choices with this one. the beat is pounding in a subtle way, and it goes so hard

2. to be alone: this is big top energy. smoky bars and big boots, and slightly western? it’s tantalizing, crawling out of your own skin, and pure want. it’s slow and yet loud in a good way. it’s hard to explain why i like this song, but it feels like a storm in your bones

1. work song: this one is actually my favorite song of all time. its got so much longing, and stubbornness, and hunger, and love. this is the devotion we all love from hozier, the power and the darkened eyes. this is the epitome of hozier, and it feels like your soul and i just can’t articulate with words what this song feels like, it would be five pages long, this is the %100, this is the a+. this song brings everything hozier has ever made you feel to the table, and makes you feel it harder

[koreanal]

What should I do?

I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. A lot of stuff just piled up all at once, and I’m not really sure how to handle it. A summary of some things on my mind recently: 

1) I’m really glad I met Steven. Even though it was just a one-time meeting, I got to learn a lot from him about what I want in a person and what I want for myself. We were completely different people: he had set goals in mind and I am floating around spontaneously. He discussed his passion for AI research while I vaguely talked about maybe pursuing law but I had no set path in mind. He had a set conviction for being one of the few passionate and good enough to do research in his field and I even ran out of questions to ask him since I barely understood the things that he said. We talked a lot about his choice of choosing either a stable job at Google or continue to do research at his current lab but it doesn’t have a good pay and would probably disappoint his parents. While I won’t get to ask him myself about his decision, I learned today from a friend that he chose to do research. I wonder if I could ever make that choice. 

During that lunch, the conversations flowed, but there were awkward pauses in between that showed the significant knowledge and interest gap that I know was not a good sign. With that, though, he did something expected as he texted me afterwards and explained what I was thinking but was too afraid to admit - that we probably were not the best fit (romantically). I was sad by this comment at first as no one was ever that upfront with me before. I replied with an appreciation for his honesty and I truly did appreciate that. I wish I could be like him.

2) I cried for real a few weeks ago (this happened the same day as when Steven texted me lol) for the first time since literally Senegal because someone told me that someone else told them that I didn’t do well on a case interview, even when that was probably the most confident I had ever been in one. I was told that they voted for me because I had applied several times, and I took that as a comment of pity vote. I hate it when people feel pity for me. I’m not sure if I made the right choice, but in that moment I chose to drop out of the whole process altogether as I felt like that was the only choice where I could still have some respect for myself. I was later told that the comment was taken out of context, but it was already too late. Oh well. :/ Someone in the organization did reach out to me and I ended enrolling in a course taught by her and I appreciate her a lot since it’s probably one of my favorite classes so far.

3) Adding onto the last part, I never feel like I’m good enough. Even when I seemingly do everything “right”, I was not good enough. People keep telling me that it wasn’t my fault and everyone loved talk to me, but then why am I still not good enough? I’m not even sure what to tell myself anymore. I often justified my shortcomings by telling myself that I come from a different background, but I always feel like that’s just an excuse I tell myself to be salty at other people. 

I know that I do good work and try my best at whatever I’m doing since I do have results to back it up with at whatever job I hold. But still I’m constantly in a limbo state of being confident of myself versus feeling like I don’t belong here at all. I hate the competitiveness here at Berkeley because I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing and I’m just afraid to ask because I don’t like to feel like I’m behind, even when I know I’m ahead of many other people.

One thing that struck me when Andrew Chau spoke was that even when he, and everyone around him, knew in the moment that everything he was doing was wrong, he knew it was right in the long run. I had the same thought process when I made the choice to go to Senegal, and it did turn out to be the best decision of my life, but I’m having a hard time trusting myself that it’ll all be okay in the end right now. It’s hard to not doubt myself when a lot of people around me are seemingly doing well right now. This feeling of doubt was magnified today when I got rejected from Haas - though I didn’t care a lot for it I still felt a little bad about myself for not getting in, even when I know that nothing has really changed since Haas wasn’t a part of how I want to achieve my goals originally. Got to reconnect with some cool friends that I met from the cursed UGBA10 class today though and definitely grateful that I got to go through the process.

4) I love my friends. I never expected to find that here at Berkeley - from the people who randomly called me at 2am when I was walking home really sad that one night and made me laugh to those who just sit with me in silence and enjoying each other’s presence while doing work. I hate calling but now I’ve been doing random 3 hour work calls and just been appreciative of having someone there even if no one’s talking. 

I talked with someone recently about how I’m self-conscious and I think that everyone thinks I’m dumb because I can never keep up a conversation about ‘intellectual’ stuff, but she made me realize that the closest friendships I value the most have all been based on troll conversations that often lead to nowhere. I do feel like sometimes I do go overboard with saying stupid stuff though and that have affected different conversations that I do want to have with people because I am unable to articulate myself a lot of times, which is something I’m trying to work to improve!!

[brokenhayatim]

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit.  the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations. 

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so