#im not old. but im not 20. i wish i hadnt been so sad. hadnt wasted it. can i try again? ill do it right thus time

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i had sex for the first time and it was kind of a horrible experience. i was checking out a bdsm club for the first time and a man in his 50s invited me to check out a different (sex) club the next day and bc i genuinely, idiotically thought he just wanted to introduce me to the scene and show me around i went. at the club he bought me a couple drinks, we talked and then he took me to a private room and went down on me. i didnt say no bc i was drunk and curious, and im bad at saying no to people in general. i thought maybe it would be fun. i wasnt into it at all but felt too bad to let him know. i faked an orgasm and left after a while. as we parted he kissed my cheek and said he hopes we can be friends. drunk me told him of course we could. the next morning i was hit with the worst wave of self loathing ive ever felt in my life, as well as just general disgust and regret. i cannot believe my first time was with an old man i feel zero attraction to. i already knew im probably a lesbian, but still i keep trying to be with men and i dont know why. i guess my question is do you have advice on how to get over a sexual experience you regret? how do i come to terms with the fact that my first time was with someone i feel grossed out just thinking about? and was i taken advantage of? im in my early 20s, he didnt know i was a virgin (i active implied that im not), and i know if i had said no he wouldve stopped. i wasnt falling down drunk or anything. he didnt really do anything wrong. i feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. i just wish my first time had been with a woman. i wish i hadnt been so naive and stupid and i wish i hadnt gotten drunk. i know its not true but i feel like no woman will ever want me now. i cant even masturbate bc the idea of doing something sexual, even just alone, reminds me of him and what i let him do to me. how do i move on from this?

hi anon,

I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you.

in this case, I would say the way to make peace with a sexual experience you regret is to understand that you aren't responsible for what was done to you.

to answer your question - yes, you were absolutely taken advantage of, and this person very much did do something wrong! quite a lot of somethings! he made the choice to lure someone younger and less knowledgeable to a secondary location you weren't familiar with, get you drunk, isolate you, and pressure you into sex that you didn't give enthusiastic consent to. all of that is CLASSIC predatory, manipulative behavior and reflects on him - not you.

you mentioned that you feel stupid; PLEASE don't. people are pressured into unpleasant sex all the time, very often in the exact same way you were: being entrapped in a situation where going along with it was easier than saying no. it's vile! and none of those people are at fault!

listen: you need to be on your side about this. would you tell anyone else who experienced this that they're stupid and naive? I hope not. I really hope you can find the compassion you'd extend to any other friend in this situation to yourself, because you're going to be the #1 person getting yourself through this.

feeling bad and gross about what happened is fine; what happened was bad and gross. please let those feelings happen and care for yourself while they do, because those feelings need to be felt! just be conscientious about which feelings you're indulging. it's fine to feel betrayed, violated, regretful, angry, sad, even to mourn for a better first sexual experience you could have had! just make sure to gently nudge yourself back if those feelings start veering into the realm of feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. not only is it unhelpful, it's not even true!

it's very sad that your first sexual experience was with someone you didn't want who treated you the way he did. in the future, when you're ready, I hope you'll be able to pursue healthier, mutually pleasurable experiences on your own terms. don't rush yourself to get back to any kind of sexuality, masturbation included - a good long break while you sort through your feelings may be very needed. there's no timeline you need to be on to recover from this; please don't get down on yourself for taking the time and space you need. if you don't have anyone in person you feel able to talk with, looking up online support and resources for people who have experienced sexual assault may be beneficial.

also, hey, please don't play the game of trying to say you don't belong in survivor spaces or how this wasn't an assault because your belief that he would have stopped if you'd told him to (a very generous assumption!) or because you led him to believe you had more sexual experience or it could have been worse or whatever. the feelings you're experience in the aftermath are textbook of assault survivors; that means the resources are for you!

also hey. listen to me. look at me. if any woman tries to tell you that you are less worthy of lesbian love and companionship because you have had sex with a man. ESPECIALLY a man who was taking advantage of you. you are going to send me their address and I will personally attack them with a baseball bat.

[disney-rapunzel-merida-vanellope]

Going to watch end game on the 24th next week. Literally not ready but so so excited. I really hope they are able to revive them all before half way into the movie and not just at the end tho. I really need all the characters in one single scene.

I kinda started being a marvel fan by accident. One day of christmas holiday in december 2013 I was bored as hell and the amazing spiderman appeared on a list of the pirate site I was searching. Loved that movie so much that I watched it twice that day. That made me more of a spiderman fan than a marvel fan tho and all I was anticipating was the amazing spiderman 2 which I also love. But then I hear about captain america winter soldier, which I rewatched today and it brought so many memories that I had to write. That movie first got my attention because of the friends on different sides of the war thing. So sad I hadnt picked up on marvel before cause I would have loved to watch that on cinemas and be surprised by who the winter soldier was. I remember after watching the movie on the pc tho going to search every fanart and fmv I could. And so my first proper marvel movie as a fan was guardians of the galaxy. My dad and I loved it so much and now my sister too. And it kept going and I wouldnt miss a movie release (i missed doctor strange opps). The only movie I havent watched from the mcu is hulk but who has watched is the question. Sometimes I think about some movies and I cant believe how much time its been since their realese and how far from them we are now. Age of ultron and civil war feel like happened yesterday but little did we know that everyone was gonna be dusted a few years later.

I just really love these characters and stories. So many fond memories specially when a new movie drops and everyone on tumblr is talking about it and making memes and what not. They are all really eventful. Feels kinda sad that end game is actually really close tho. I want new stories and characters but at the same time dont wanna say goodbye to others. It really feels like the ending of something special. The event of all cinematic events. How can one even make 20+ movies that are basically all sequels of each other?

I wish we had the black widow movie sooner and I wish we had an actual captain america 3 with cap, nat, sam and bucky all hanging out fighting crime.

I cant even choose a fave movie so mines are cap2&3, guardians1&2 and infinity war. Even movies like age of ultron and iron man 2 that everyone hates I like. (Ok iron man 2 and thor1&2 were a bit boring but ive seen much worse too)

Im really scared about how much of a game changer this new movie is gonna be. I know the new characters are gonna take charge I just dont know if Im ready to say good bye to the old ones. Ufff lets do this.

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

[internationalshine]

Dear Ex-Bestfriend, 

We spent incredible years and memories together

Had an understanding of each other’s lives 

Both first generation immigrants 

With strict households 

That led us to be creative in the way we spent our time

That fateful day when we were about 12, and bumped into each other at a national park 

We were pretty much inseparable 

Even when I moved countries and moved into my 20s

We more than kept in touch 

You played such a huge role in keeping me sane 

Through changes I had no control over

I thought you saw me and cared for me in a way that was from a place of pure love 

In a way I thought we were kindred souls.

No one could come close to what you meant to me 

But those were the “good old days” weren’t they?

I think I noticed the change when you got into a serious relationship 

It gets busy so I understood when we couldnt talk on the weekly anymore

But something didnt feel right 

Because I would fly to visit and it seemed you were more busy with him 

The only reason I could phantom is perhaps you didnt want to hang out with me 

No, that couldnt be it, I told myself. I had to be overthinking. 

You started becoming judgmental of others in a way I hadnt seen before 

I acknowledged it was probably the pain of what was happening in the relationship and was there for you 

My mid 20s were hard, law school, fake friends, I missed you 

I flew to come visit

I noticed you didnt want me to quite stay with you

Your strict parents, I understood, told myself Id find another way 

My Californian friend came with me to see this city I loved 

From what I saw we were all having a good time

I came back and then it started, you stopped talking

When we spoke that day I was 26 and you asked

“how do you think your visit went”

-”great, I had a good time”

you: aww im glad but here the list of a gazillion things you’ve been doing wrong every single time. You take advantage of ppl. 

me: what? and you’ve been talking to others about this? 

That conversation was so vicious I cant even repeat 

Still I loved you, I law school outlined everything you revealed

So I could push away your doubts of the person you thought I had become

Based on lies some of this you informed 

And I thought we had a good open conversation 

I had cried so much prior to it, my heart had hit the floor in a way I cant describe. 

For the one person I thought would always be true, wasnt. Hadnt been. In what they believed of me.  Wouldnt allow my sadness of the situation, they couldnt “pity” me

You apologized, I did too. 

We texted, I thought we would be okay

But about a couple of weeks later, I wasnt hearing from you again. You ahd told me your grandpa wasnt doing well was what I last heard. I had sympathized and had a feeling he would be okay, he was. 

After that there was nothing. I called you, I texted you, I whatsapped, I called your house. Finally i messaged your then boyfriend who merely told me “she’s fine, just busy”. 

If that were the case, why did I never hear from you again? I am 6 months away from 30 still trying to figure out what happened, and why you abandoned me. It was something I could never dream of doing to you. 

And I saw you again at a wedding with my then boyfriend. We made brief eye contact and you looked away. 

And now I am here with an ex-boyfriend seemingly had no issue abandoning me too. 

Trying to find the faith in people that would see me for me, love me, and stay. 

You see, you once knew me and uplifted the pain. But here I am dealing with the loss of you, my grandma, and him.

I am grateful I got to experience such deep love. But I believe in reconciling because life is too short as I have learned 

But there’s nothing more in me left to reach out 

I just cant do it anymore

I wish I was in a place of peace

But I am so disappointed 

Im not worth fighting for is what my demons say 

BUt I am, I have to be. Is what I need to believe. 

How do you cope with the pain? Is this what they say growing up is? I want to release my resentment and be free this cage. 

[r0rorowurboat]

all of them

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

the first time i watched moulin rouge i hated it? mainly because my sisters loved it and i refused to like things they liked, but now i love it haha

2: Talk about your first kiss.

oh god. it was horrible. we were both really overthinking it and were super nervous. It was so awkward. We literally just pressed our closed mouths together and were like “is this how you do it?” and then one of my friends had to show us how. 

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

nah man not right now

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

accepting that money lol

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

best birthday i had was a surprise party! it was the only party ive ever and and it was from a really good friend at the time who ive now grown apart from. it was super sweet 

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

ummmmm ive had some really bad birthdays lol i guess the one after my dad re-married and i had it at his house and his wife made me cry

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

mmmmmmmmmmmm my personality being annoying and cold and distant and also my eyes looking like my fathers and my bingo wing arms lmao

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

im proud of my art sometimes! but most of all im pretty proud of myself for overcoming my mutism and telling my family on christman

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

im okay with my nose. also my eye color i like? and ive grown to like my hair. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

HAHAHAH screaming at my father in the target parking lot the day after my cat died

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

ummmmmm probably the ones ive been having recently about meeting all the server people? i usually have pretty bad dreams haha

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

hahahahahahahahaha um it involved s/a

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

thats a bit tmi isnt it? it was alright.

14: Talk about a vacation.

i went to st. augustine with my grandmothers and that was really nice! I had a pretty great time. Also the time i went to disney world with my nephews was super fun,

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

hmmmm probably last year when i was in therapy and had a job and a few close friends that i hung out with a lot.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

okay so it was this guys birthday party and a group of like 15 people played coh and then all swam and i shoved pizza in someones pants and then got someone else to eat it

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

*stares wistfully at the server people i dont actively speak to with a single tear streaming down my cheek* one day when i figure out how to start conversations

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

um! this TA became really close to me and helped me get my IEP and looked out for me and every now and then i would just hang out in his office in the teachers lounge with him when i was having anxiety in class and he let me decorate it and put a sign on the door that said “Rachels Office”

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

ehhhhh ummm i got to help make a mural with the art club!

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

in high school i used to hang out with friends after school every day which was nice! I also made a lot of good friends that i still adore now

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

:/ he was a dickwad and i was not nice about it. I had told him repeatedly that i couldnt stand him and he didnt get the message so when he asked me out i told him no and when he asked why i spelled out everything i hated about him

22: Talk about your worst fear.

hahahahahaha nope thats not something we’re gonna talk about

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

it was all gucci. we agreed on getting some distance for a bit and now we’re pretty good friends

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

“You’re talented and I want to make sure everyone sees that.” my mom said that after looking at my art and i started crying i was so happy haha it was the first time she had ever said that about my art.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

she was ehhhhhh really icky. she couldn’t accept when she was wrong and she was very selfish. She kind of put me down a lot and it was sort of a situation of “if i hadnt met you when i was really young we wouldn’t be friends” and it turned very toxic. 

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

complain. a lot. make soup. get very affectionate and gushy too. sleep a lot.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

usually eyes or hair! 

28: Talk about your fetishes.

hahahahahah ummmm tattoos are really nice

29: Talk about what turns you on.

hahahahahhahahahahahahahhahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaa

30: Talk about what turns you off.

feet. also, bad attitudes. entitlement. 

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

i think its like sleep. or many its moving on. maybe its reincarnation. idk. nobody does and i accept that.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

Lexington, Kentucky! The cul-de-sac we lived on and Isabelle and the park we used to walk to behind the school. Snow mans and getting hit in the face by a snowball. The fireplace and coloring books. My grandma’s bedroom and the picture frames on the windowsill.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

I cry? lol. um. I try to talk about it with people or draw because thats healthier than my old habits ha

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

tearing a ligament in my knee. it still hurts sometimes to this day haha ive got a bum knee now.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

biting my nails, talking to my abuser, shutting myself inside, lapsing into my old habits, ignoring texts… hahaha

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

um hm okay stupid disney channel original movies are one. with the bad acting and predictable plot lines. those. idk they just cheer me up sometimes

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

mmmmmmm no thanks im good haha

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

Any Sam Smith song reminds me of Ashley 

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

I wish I had known earlier about a lot of things. My sexuality. My goals. My priorities. Coping mechanisms. Results of certain relationships and actions. yeah, those.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

Endings are always kind of sad, aren’t they? Ahhhh ummm my last day in Naples was the end of a lot for me. The end of seeing a lot of people who matter a lot to me. The end of dependence on my mother. The end of a job. The end of a lot. HAha. I cried for about 6 hours that day.

[i-amusemyself]

All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! 😄😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

[votingdog]

hi im leigh and im a slut for oversharing so have another ask thing about a year later

1: Is there a person in your life? yes, id say there is 2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? no. 3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” some selfies i posted a lil while back 4:What’s something you really want right now? c u d d l e s 5:Are you afraid of falling in love?  no. im scared of falling out of it 6:Do you like the beach? in small doses 7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? yes 8:What’s the background on your cell? some weeby shit 9:Name the last four beds you were sat on? mine, addison’s, my grandmother’s, and my friend’s 10:Do you like your phone? it gets what i need it to done 11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned? lmao nO but that’s okay 12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? xavier 13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? rott 14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? both 15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? zoooo 16:Are you tired? 24/7 17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact? first as in first added or top?? shrugs top has been since since the middle of last school year  18:Are they a relative? try my ex 19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? yes 20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? i talk to him every day now 21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? no, marriage is scary 22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? you bet ya sweet ass 23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? none 24:Is there a certain quote you live by? “don’t pop pills popcorn” 25:What’s on your mind? what isnt rn 26:Do you have any tattoos? no but i want some 27:What is your favorite color? orange 28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? i ?? dont know ?? hopefully soon bc im needy 29:Who are you texting? no one as i type this, but noah before 30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? yee 31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? i felt super shitty one day from the moment i woke up then when i got home from school i learned my dog had died so 32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? yes 33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you? i know a couple people that do 34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? yes and it makes me melt every time 35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? good for him!! i was probably aware of it beforehand if it was right in front of me so im a-ok with it 36:Were you single on Valentines Day? nope 37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed? yeee 38:What do your friends call you? leigh or a weird nickname 39:Has anyone upset you in the last week? myself bitch wtf 40:Have you ever cried over a text? lmaoooooo  41:Where’s your last bruise located? my arm 42:What is it from? i think i hit a wall 43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? i was here while my step dad and his girlfriend were fighitng yike 44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with? xavier 45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? i only have one pair of shoes?? 46:Do you wear hats if youre having a bad hair day? nah every day is a bad hair day and i dont have enough hats 47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style? probably not. the only reason i think id go bald is because of everyone tellign me how much they wish i hadnt cut my hair short  48:Do you make supper for your family? i help make it a lot 49:Does your bedroom have a door? yes 50:Top 3 web-pages? tumblr, ourworld, facebook?? 51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping? probably 52:Does anything on your body hurt? my back jesus fucking christ mY BACK 53:Are goodbyes hard for you? i don’t think goodbyes are ever really easy for anyone 54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? tea probably 55:How is your hair? he’s going through a hard time since his breakup, but he’s hanging in there. thanks for asking. it means a lot to him 56:What do you usually do first in the morning? try to go back to sleep 57:Do you think two people can last forever? i think that two people can last in each other’s lives until they die, whether that be romantically or platonically. it just takes work  58:Think back to January 2007, were you single? dude idk i was 6 59:Green or purple grapes? grEEN 60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? shrugs. i’ll probably get sad and hug my sibling 61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? yes 62:When will be the next time you text someone? right after i finish this 63:Where will you be 5 hours from now? still here 64:What were you doing at 8 this morning. sleeping 65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked? yeah it was some dude i had a fling with that i,,,cannot remember the name of  66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yesyes 67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today? no someone come hug mee 68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? probably about the person i like because when am i not daydreaming 69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes, but that;s life. not everything lasts forever  70:How many windows are open on your computer? three 71:How many fingers do you have? ten, unless you don’t count thumbs then 8 72:What is your ringtone? shrugs 73:How old will you be in 5 months? 17 74:Where is your Mum right now? your guess is as good as mine 75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? Shr uG s i still talk to him though aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA 76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? yes 77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? yep 78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? that’s like, sixth grade i think?? so yeah, and i used to sit pretty close to him in algebra 79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? my grandpa 80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? many times 81:How many people have you liked in the past three months? oh jeez. uh. seven? i think? three were relationships, two were kind of relationships, and two were/are crushes. there were also poly experiences in that so i mean 82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? yes 83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight? i talk to him every day 84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot people out of your car window, you’re with? noah probably. i feel like id drunk text him and he’s come make sure i was okay and then id pull shit like that 85:If your partner was into drugs would you care? nah 86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? i?? dont remember the last time i saw a movie in theaters? 87:Who was your last received call from? technically noah but he called my old number  88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? i don’t like butterflies but still no omg 89:What is something you wish you had more of? affection, friends, love, positivity 90:Have you ever trusted someone too much? hoooooboi yes 91:Do you sleep with your window open? no 92:Do you get along with girls? i tend not to yikes but i try 93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? probably 94:Does sex mean love? no 95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? nah man. i mean, the fact that we’re locked in may be a problem bc idk who locked us in there or why, but we’d be fine 96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? no 97:Did you sleep alone this week? not the entire week 98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yesyesyes 99:Do you believe in love at first sight? i believe in fascination and curiosity and attraction at first sight, but not love 100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise? probably my ex because we pinkie promised a lot

[camilacantthink]

havnt had thoughts like this in a long time. it would be really easy to kill myself. no one would know for weeks. i could do it quietly in my room. i could fill my cats food and water to the extreme, plus she’d have my body to eat. Pets do that. No one comes into my room. My friends would probably not think too much about it. they might get annoyed im not responding to them, or maybe they would think im mad at them or ignoring them. id feel bad about that part. but it would be so easy. the only person i really have constant contact with is across the glob. my mom would assume im with someone else. at a friends house or just not even pass her thoughts. not untill the third or fourth day of not talking to me. even then it would just be a txt saying ‘where are you’ or maybe ‘dinners ready if you want some’ but if i ignored it she wouldnt worry. im good at making people not worry. at least in my family at the moment. all i have to do is socialize and wear a little make up, maybe dress a little fun. then they think everything is fine. my friends think everything is fine. i just have humor that insults me, i play things off a lot. seems to work just fine. im tired of asking for help. im tired of saying im fine. i hate being the negative and bitchy one in a group. or the dumb one. or the one no one takes seriously.

i dont know why this is bothering me so much right now. i had come to terms with it. i dont need people to take me seriously. i played up my stupidity and inexperiance and general pathetic uslessness. its easy. but i dont know. im tired. and sad. and empty. everything is so empty you know. nothing matters, im not going anywhere, im not going to be anything. i dont need to be anything but... i want to matter to someone. i want to be someone’s person. the one they go to bc they like me. the one that they can bitch with or laugh with or just... i dont know.... im no one’s favorite person i guess. i should be fine with that. its a selfish thing to want. im just... so tired of being second or third or last.... the one no one wants to invite, the one someone invites when their prefered person cancels. the one who no one remembers or talks to enough to notice im falling apart.

im falling apart. i cant keep anything together. its all just broken and im broken and nothing special. I know people care about me. why cant that be enough. why cant i just accept that im annoying and difficult but ppl like me even if no one loves me. why cant i just be content with being there. why do i feel the need to be someone’s favorite person. why do i have to crave being close to humans. i really cant stand humans. im so broken. why did i have to exist. i want someone to just.... i dont know. be close with. care about me. tell me im not broken. but i dont want to have to ask for it. how fucking hypocritical right. to just want someone to just know what the fuck is wrong with me and lie to me and tell me im not broken. No one can know i need help unless i ask for it. and even then I have to help myself out of this. i know that. i was doing so well.

i need to be on meds. i dont want to be on meds. i hate being alive right now. i hate being bipolar and i hate having depression and having anxiety and i hate that im just a financial burden on my family and that no one in my family seems to actually like me. they love me. i know they do. but they dont like me. i want to be liked. i want to find that someone out there. but i hate everyone. how can i want someone to like me when i dont like anyone. I just hate being alive. i wish i hadnt ever existed. i wish i had the courage to just fucking kill myself. I wish i didnt care about all my friends and family i would hurt if i did kill myself.

i wish i had never been born. i wish i was dead. i never wear seatbelts or pay attention to cars on the road yet im so fucking scared of everything hurting me. this is all fucking stupid nonsense. i cant do anything i cant get a job i have no talents or skills i cant even talk well.. i just hurt and annoy and bother everyone.

but people hurt me too. they hurt me a lot. i never get apologies. i always have to apologize. and i hate it. i hate it so much bc when i do get the rare apology i just feel so sick. like i feel guilty for hearing it and i always feel like im doing wrong. i just want this to stop. i can distract myself from some pain but something always hurts. im hungry, im stupid, im annoying someone, i am being a bitch, im angry at something stupid. i hate existing. its so tiring. i hate being me right now. i want to be someone else. i want to disapear. disolve. not exist. i wish i wasnt who i am. i want to be no one and i want to be someone. i wish i hadnt learned how painful oding was. i wish i could just go and take a handful of pills with a shit ton of booze and just drift away. but i know thats going to hurt. and that terrifies me enough to never try it. 

nothing works. i go to therapy. i went to group helps. i went to the hospital. i cant do the medication that i need to do because im self sabatoging myself and not taking them. i keep waiting for the better to happen. i know it’s gotten better with time. but its so long. i have never not felt like this. why did i not get help sooner. my mom told me when i was 7 years old i would come to her after school and ask her in tears if i could die. if it was possible to kill myself. why did she not get me help sooner. why was i 15 by the time i started therapy. why did it take untill i was 20 for her to leave my dad. why did i not get any more help. why did she just let me suffer on my own.