Man where did the idea of leylines first come from Anyway??
They sure do appear in a lot of fiction and also modern witchcraft
1 note
·
View note
in zombie au, what if the hypothetical situation where the gang does indeed run into Zero food supply, would zombie mob really eat either or both tome and ritsu :o (i literally laid awake last night imagining this scenario jwndjwndkwn)
oh and one more thing! i would very much like to know what goes on mob's thoughts when said hypothetical situation comes around :3
hogod . oh god i did this didnt i. i did this im so evil im so
ok. this is the evil timeline.we don't talk abt this timeline very much, it's evil. so this is prolly the only ask i'll answer abt it. warning for cannibalism, mcd, and suicide
in the not-canon hypothetical where they Do run completely out of food, mob would indeed get desperate enough to snap and lunge at one of them, and he'd go for tome first. she's less familiar, she's Not his sibling, and she's only been around for a few months
how ritsu responds to this sorta depends on the situation, but in that particular scenario from the previous ask and its tags ritsu probably Doesn't have it in him to shoot mob and he lets tome get killed. he feels like a Monster for it, but he's simply not going to kill his own brother for a girl he just met a couple months ago. he's going to choose mob every time
given that ritsu doesn't have any food for himself here, he's sorta trapped in a nightmare. if they leave after mob gets his fill, he'll feel like tome kinda died in vain, or at least smth close to it. through the fucking Raw Fear he's probably feeling after watching his brother eat another person, he's doing his best to grasp onto logic and say well we should stay here. bc that means shige will get rly well-fed. there's a perfectly good... food source right here. we shouldn't waste it
but ritsu has no food, and he literally can't resort to eating her bc that's tainted meat now. he'd just turn afterward. so they have to leave her. and that makes him so fucking upset in the grand scheme of things but rly, in the moment, he's glad to make that decision bc it means he can stop being in the same room as her corpse
now if it somehow happened Again and mob got that desperate a second time, with nobody but ritsu around? uhm.,,,,he would? i think. he would. as much as i'd love to say he wouldn't, he's a zombie. instincts takes over eventually. and then he'd wander aimlessly until exhaustion, a patrol, or starvation claims him. hashtag bad ending hashtag throwing tomatoes at the stage
to answer ur second question: after mob gets cured, in the middle of his recovery, he starts to remember bits n pieces of the journey, and while it's very fuzzy and it jumps around a lot, he Thinks there was somebody else w them at some point
so he asks ritsu. hey was there ?? anybody else with us? and like.whatthe hell do u say to that. ritsu knows that if mob knows, he'd lose his mind. he wouldn't be able to handle that. so he Has to lie, and he kinda panics and fucks it up a bit bc he says, "nah bro just us ^-^" and completely omits tome from the picture. fucked up but he panicked, okay
mob goes hm. ok. but then he remembers more. he remembers her face, vaguely, and her name, and at first he kinda chalks it up to brain weirdness in his recovery stages, but as time goes on and he gains more and more memories of this girl that ritsu claims was never there, he comes to the conclusion that ritsu Lying might be more likely
and if ritsu lied to his face about this, about a Whole Person being with them, what else is he hiding?
if mob ever did find out what exactly he did to her, or even to that man he mauls to protect ritsu in the canon timeline of this au, i think he'd lose it. he wouldn't be able to live w himself. i genuinely don't think he'd be able to go on after that
11 notes
·
View notes
hm. what if i made a post abt how ppl like to question the use of why is nobody talking about this spread this info now if ur not stupid and evil often for a lot of questionable reasons but there also comes a time when we must acknowledge the way this has among other things genuinely distorted our ability to process current events as it heavily relies on abbreviated "recaps" of events often littered with misinformation or the secondhand misinformation of failing to provide adequate context and also like the nuance in the fact that this presents differently when someone is sharing information abt the experience of their own personal community vs what u see a lot with global events where um as an american with half their family out of the US i can at least speak from the experience of colombian events and by a small extension for its stronger US news presence venezuela that regardless of well meaning esp bc again this has just become so standard just my opinion but i personally find it much more condescending to misrepresent peoples realities instead of doing your best to source facts and accounts from actual community members and share THOSE without deciding you, who does not have full cultural context, are enough of an authority... which btw despite my knowing enough to be annoyed at misrepresentations of latin american news this includes myself also not being enough of an authority, as i do not live there and am not personally experiencing those events. what i do know bc of this is that there are real ppl in every one of these places lol who um have voices and are capable of speaking and having lives independent of americans and thus it is not hard to comprehend that there are people you can seek out clarification from if u have a genuine interest in spreading awareness and support. like personal identity rly has its limits on how much it matters in these situations... im aware its meant to serve the opposite purpose but i just dont get how no one else seems to find it so dehumanizing to openly portray yourself as refusing to listen to the people u are claiming to support blinding yourself to foreign cultural contexts because you have decided what narrative to assign it like im rly looking all my fellow second gen diaspora members in the eye here tbh it's one thing to say on my personal accounts what i think of ecuadorian politics and another to claim myself an authority on what has happened demanding others promote my take just bc my family is south american like it is not forbidden to be wrong or have feelings or talk about whatever the hell u want it is not a bad thing to comment on global events and slip up in your attempts to stay informed lol we can all do all of these things absolutely not what i mean but the bizarre insistence that one can't be wrong even under circumstances where u do not have full access to relevant information or have failed to do even the most BASIC possible research to acquire that knowledge... simply makes us all look like fools and yes i judge everyone for sharing misinfo though im sure ive done it plenty myself in my time but i try my best not to especially as ive gotten older and well i simply think it would do some good if that occurred to more people
4 notes
·
View notes
@onehithero said: also we know theres at least some actual animals besides gadoll liek the scorpion n cows tht show up for a sec in ep 1 so tankers hav tht going for them re: food sources ..SORRY FOR RAMBLING SO MUCH deca dence essay got sleeper agent activated
onehithero said: i rly like what usaid abt kabu from natsumes pov too but i cannot form a half cohernet thought abt tht one
onehithero said: ALSO ALSO i think its interesting how the ep 8 conversation w minato is i think the only time kabu talks abt being jealous of humans being able to choose their own paths
onehithero said: also how minatos convinced hes like a good lil cog in the machine yet hes done 50 things tht wuld get him labeled as a bug but he just ignores all tht. the both of them can be so disconnected w reality
onehithero said: like minato didnt know abt 1)natsume 2) how the system has made kabu so severely depressed n he culdnt put up w it anymore.n minato continues pushing the just go along w the system shit he doesnt understand tht he was contributing to kabus misery.. n bc of tht kabu doesnt trust minato enough to tell him abt natsume for so long but then he goes n asks smth so big of him as go against the system
onehithero said: thinks abt how kabu n minato r obviously so important to each other but minato understands him less n less over time & kabu kinda already knew its risky to confide in minato like minato did know abt pipe which was a long time ago but he didnt know abt natsume til kabu was already sacrifing himself for her sake. n yet kabu then goes n tries to get him on his side anyway cuz he wants tht so badly..
onehithero said: OMG OMG CHEWS THESE WORDS SLOWLY N THROUGHLY SO DELICIOUS THANK U THANK U u get it u understand i love reading n writing essay lengh responses abt deca dence & again u just hit the nail on the head w this
Please let me know if this @ u 8 times and sorry if it did. I will reply under this readmore but i love this enthusiasm! I like discussing this stuff so if u want keep it coming. I wanna understand deca dence better and i think i will by sharing ideas w other ppl.
I think kabu and minatos relationship is as good as it is because theres clearly a lot of mutual love and respect between them even when they don’t understand each other and thats why minato still runs after him when he hears kabu going suicide mission lets go baby. I think its interesting that minato was like ready to lie down and accept getting mass scrapped until he hears kabu go im about to be hilarious and hes like actually living and staying alive sounds great actually forget what i said about it being over. you are so right about kabu and trust and natsume. I will always cherish episode 5 where kabu gives this big rousing speech about how natsume inspired him and saved his life and minatos there like ..who? ..what?? I think they may not be used to hiding things from each other. Also I think them drifting apart mirrors natsume and feis drifting apart tho I think while feis the instigator on that side kabus more on his side and minato like natsume is like wondering what in da world is going on. I think someone else wrote about this better than I can.
I do think minato does know kabus severely depressed because theres this line in ep 4 where he puts his hand on kabu and says like you’ve toiled enough at that awful job. and also in episode 11 when he and kabu talk and kabu says he was in a similar place as minato now in that he was waiting every day to be scrapped minato has no reaction until kabu says but that bug saved me. I think he knows kabus very depressed but he does not know how to address it cuz the system never gives either of them the tools or options for it. Though also I feel the system discourages meaningful relationships between the cyborgs so I think what minato and kabu have is likely pretty rare. Kabu donetello and turkey also fought together for a long time but turkey turns on donetello in a second even tho they fought together, he was his number two, and they were in prison together, and were pretty much all they got and donetello kills him in turn. I also think minato probably knew because he’s empathetic. Like I’m not sure about compassion but he’s very good at understanding where other ppl are and how to meet them in the middle so both parties get something they want. That’s how he got all the gamers to collect the old deca dence parts. Not by cashing in on ppl doing the right thing but by framing it as the final mission. He gets his lgbt community center coworkers for fight with him one last time by appealing to their sense of duty. He got the system to put kabu in jail instead of getting scrapped when Mikey got scrapped for a lesser offense. The list goes on. A tangent but I think the fact he acknowledges the living conditions of the humans are gonna get worse if nothing’s done even tho he’s apathetic at best towards them shows even when the system tries to mold the cyborgs into the roles it wants, sometimes the traits they have just keep on going despite themselves. I’m gonna stop myself before I go into jill and this theme but I’m gonna talk about it someday. So I think its more likely than not he knew but he didn’t know how to navigate around it also because it’s heavily implied he’s going thru the same thing and I think kabu might genuinely have no idea Bc kabu lacks empathy but his heart... is huge. When he hears minato express his feelings of not knowing what he wants he instantly tries to reach out and explain minatos not alone in what he feels. This is why they’re good foils. while kabu moves past where he was in the start where he states he does not intend to oppose the system and his compliance while also trying to do the bare minimum drives him to suicide, and finds the willpower and a reason to live and rebel against the system through his connection to other people (first natsume , he hangs out w kurenai sometimes too, and then with the jail robots). Meanwhile minato whos stuck in his literal ivory tower (it’s a Metaphor) never makes any of these connections. It’s the irony of kabu working at a armor repair job giving him some ability to connect w others vs minatos higher position isolating him from everyone else. I think kabu living amongst the ppl he harmed drove him to give up on life quicker, while minato being far apart shielded him from rlly having to see the effects of his actions I think he was headed a lil slower in the same direction. I think we’re led to believe minatos okay where he is but I think towards the end it’s clear minato has spent most of the series also in a bad place. I think he views things very similarly to kabu in that he wants to use what power he does have to protect the ppl he cares about similar to how initially kabu tried to just convince natsume to quit several times and he was like whatever at the rest of the humans who are natsumes comrades dying but he chooses to put it all on the line and try for some systemic change when he sees natsumes determination to fight. Also I think minato holds very little loyalty to the system cuz he doesn’t only like breaks 1000 rules for kabu (the hypocrisy) but he also looks the other way a lot. For example, when he overheard the top rankers talk about limiters he’s like I’ll pretend I don’t hear it also turn on private mode next time and he doesn’t berate them for considering cheating. Also donetello has been using an illegal avatar to climb to S rank again (isn’t it interesting that even after the ranked system is abolished something similar took its place). And his avatar looks the same as it did when minato worked with the guy. There’s probably like not that many ppl in s rank. And he calls himself donetello. Minato knows he’s supposed to be in jail but does he tell anyone? He’s like well.. that looks like someone else’s problem if they notice *goes and vapes* it’s so funny how little minato cares but it’s also not funny Bc some of minatos cruelest actions and things he’s complicit in are born not outta malice but apathy to everything. I think it shows (tangent number 4?) how the systems use of excessive force is counter productive cuz neither minato nor kabu are willing to report anything to disrupt the order Bc neither of them think the level of punishment is warranted. I also think that minato is probably the first person kabu really opens up to about why on a personal level he feels the system needs to be destroyed after Ep 7 is really interesting. It really speaks to how deep their [mutual and not platonic relationship I don’t know how to label ] is. I also think that he admits to minato that he envies human is rlly interesting and would like to hear what u have to think! I think it’s interesting that what really sets minato off is kabu saying he wants to choose for himself and also wants other cyborgs to have that freedom and I think it’s one of the few times we see minato get genuinely angry and have it not stem from worry. Tangent 5 I’m really extrapolating here but I think it’s very likely given how high up minato is that he likely knows of several cyborgs that rebelled against the system for similar reasons as kabu and knows how it ends and I think it probably feeds into his defeatist attitude. I think his role in the system must really kill whatever grasp of whatever minato has cuz he constantly has to act like it’s almost the end of the world and he’s strapped for resources all the time for like decades and decades of having to fake that type of desperation to entertain ur player base and cuz ur also on tv to entertain the general populace to distract them from their soul sucking jobs. I think that’s gotta mess with his perception of himself and also his ability to see that struggle as real and genuine. I think that’s also gotta be hard cuz he seems like out of his whole fuck we r under attack persona he seems like he’s a lil closed off but generally chill and somewhat upbeat to ppl who know him and he just wants to be isabella from animal crossing. I got really off track here. I think what really gets me is their relationship is built on knowing each other so well and so long , and how it’s managed to survive and persist through all this tragedy. They really mutually respect and love each other and that’s why kabu let’s minato walk away from his revolution even tho it compromises everything he works for. It’s why minato ultimently accepts kabus willingness to die for a tanker even tho he really doesn’t get it at all and it means it’s goodbye forever. But it’s still not enough to save either of them. Minato can’t save kabu from trying to passively starving himself to death and I’m not sure if kabu even knows where minato is at mentally. Sometimes no matter how close u are to someone there r things u miss and things u can’t help each other with. Even tho the two resolve to fight and then die together cuz this seems like the best choice Bc the system they were born into offers no alternatives, the deca dence doesn’t even activate without the help of other ppl. I think it shows one relationship cant support all that weight. In the end it is through their bonds with other ppl that gets them to an ending where they both survive when they decided alone their only option is death. Also u are so right about the other animals existing I totally forgot ty I cannot believe I forgot about the scorpion which calls to natsumes hairstyle which is a visual gag on how natsumes a bug and how like a scorpion, although unassuming, and fucking kill u, just like how her trying to get her boss to open up eventually leads to the whole thing toppling down. I also have a lot of thoughts about natsume but I’m still thinking of them and thinking hard Bc sometimes she becomes kabus inspiration Pinterest board and I don’t like that. When she shines she really shines but it starts getting sloppy towards the end so I have to think a lil longer about it. Okay I’m done. Also it’s kinda hard for me to look like I’m agreeing to ur points and nodding in this format but I really appreciate ur thoughts and will try to convey this. Maybe by formatting as a response to each of ur replies next time
13 notes
·
View notes
how do you go about commissioning someone? i want to but i hear a lot of bad stuff every so often and ive seen you mention certain artists being behind on contact so im not sure what to expect
quite frankly commissioning someone is absolutely terrifying and needs to have a high level of communication from both the person you are commissioning as well as yourself. the one major artist i have said something about and to, turns out, have had a long history of disappearing for months at a time or not being good and running off with money. found out that after i finally got something from one of them, but the other who i’ve been waiting since january on a response from... im emailing every second week and @ ing on twitter constantly by this point considering it was an upfront payment. and like i said about the first one... if commissions are your primary source of income... there is a level of expectation. i know from social media the second one has been involved in a lot of public work and whatnot, which i do support, but all i need is one email to be like “hey sorry im busy with other work”. some people don’t tell you that. or you find out through their tumblr their laptop is broken. it can be very frustrating. or they run donation and commission sale posts in between not doing your commission. so...
and as for you the person commissioning i think people vastly underestimate what you need to provide vs what ppl actually do provide. if you have some specific pose in mind provide photo refs/explain it. you dont need to do a characters backstory, 3 pages, no line breaks. summarise. clear cut on colours and clothing. and if you leave it up to interpretation then you’re gonna end up with something you may have to be like hey sorry lets correct this, which wastes time and effort and money on everyone’s behalf. like spend time going through god like pinterest or whatever to actually source what it is you are looking for. you’d be amazed that people rly to appreciate it, and also esp when artists run limited spots, the ones that are actually providing references and so on are the ones that do get picked because it makes it easier to then provide a higher quality product. its not about remembering urls and favouritism that some people like to claim, its so that they can spend more time on something for you.
that said, commissioning someone and seeing something you have in mind come to life is brilliant. personally i do have a preference for commissioning friends, because well 1) communication (sophia is so good for it), 2) its so funny dropping into the dms like kicking down their door and throwing money at them to draw something for you (something i do to hoiist and daisy regularly) and 3) idk love and support friends!!! (always all of them) also with friends too i do ask people if theyre trying something out like animations, new painting style, etc. if they wanna test on my comm i dont mind because in some instances it also helps them like work out if they wanna use it as an offer on a comm yknow?
when it comes to artists (or writers in some instances) that you dont personally know, if i cant exactly find the information on their tumblr (which happens quite rarely but does happen) i just ask. what do they need. what do they want. also turnaround time. there are people out there with art/writing styles that you do adore, or something specific theyve done in the past you want to almost have recreated for yourself. talk to them! ask if they’re okay redoing like idk a deconstructed helmet or a watercolour tarot card or a 3k word third pov fic revolving around reconnecting 5yrs later (plummmmm). but like too ask about payments, if you can potentially do half and half (a lot of artists are honestly open to this but you just have to ask), what are their routines like with providing sketches and changes (most tend to have information available on their tumblr but... still), etc etc. and dont be surprised if you ask for some heavy tattooing and jewellery and flowers that the price goes up? ive seen people be genuinely shocked like youre asking for heavy detail... hello.... but communication is key and its also on you to ask and tell the things you want and need.
as for writing commissions, personally, kind of almost in the same boat? if theres a particular scene, a visual reference helps to be like a guiding key to get to that point, but also specific words, like talking about hands, the colour purple. personally too with writing comms i have done, i do sometimes go and search for like oc tags for more visual stuff and then translate it to text. some of my favourite pieces have been exchanges more than commissions, with crashed-down through the dragon age pieces we’ve done, and utilising the tags there. also like i ask if you want the pov to follow someone specific, do you want first, second or third, any particular time of day, etc etc etc. like this does affect tone and flow. also with mine i offer snippets as i move through to see if the phrasing is right, am i doing something appropriate to the character/s, as with art you have the. pose and emotion in one position as such yknow? with writing its a movement and kind of links through it all. if like one sentence is off, the tone could be wrong, and changes everything.
also, if something is out of your price range, i have seen an upswing in people asking that just let someone know. inquire, work it out, but if its too much just politely turn it down. yes, emails get lost and tumblr is notorious for not flagging messages so there can be unintentional ghosting but yeah i think thats a good habit to get into.
tldr; dont be afraid to commission people, seriously, its very rewarding for everyone around. be polite, ask questions, keep on top of the communication. dont be an asshole, be clear about what youre after, be kind, enjoy
3 notes
·
View notes
( sorry I'm late to the party im in pst so i was at work til now sdkfjl ) ANYWHO hi pals what the h*ck is up !! im chloe , im 21 , i use she / her pronouns & im a broke a$$ geography major !! i am SO excited to be her & get to rp with all y’all bc judging by your apps skdflj i fuck with u all . anywho ill stop my rambling , below the readmore is stuff about sofie & some wcs !!
trigger warning !! sex work , deportation , neglect , bad writing , alcoholism & substance abuse
HAILEY BALDWIN / SHE/HER / TWENTY TWO / BILLIE EILISH VC
welcome to los angeles , sofie almeda ! the glitterati has been watching you . rumour has it you made your first mark in the industry two years ago & that your net worth currently stands at 8m . it seems as though you’re enjoying being a singer since relocating from harlem , new york city . some might say you’d be a good fit for the glitterati due to your hollywood ranking being a solid #3, & it helps that fans speak so highly of your individualistic & assiduous ways . unfortunately , our sources cite that those closest to you aren’t particularly impressed with your self-destructive & choleric tendencies .
stats
name : sofie sydney almeda
nicknames : sof
age : twenty - two .
birthday : december eleventh .
zodiac : sagittarius .
gender : cisfemale ( though doesn’t vibe with the idea of being STRICTLY a WoMaN , she finds labels restrictive ) .
pronouns : she & her .
height : 5 ′ 6 ″ .
hometown : recife , brazil & harlem , new york city .
nationality : american , brazilian .
ethnicity : english , portuguese .
label(s) : the venereal , the bellwether , the opulent , the anaxiphile .
occupation : singer ( vc billie eilish ) .
quirks : fidgeting , allergic to shellfish , walks quickly , cracks knuckles , always wears her lucky ‘ st christopher ’ necklace from her grandmother , has a weird ability to talk herself out of trouble , can tie a cherry stem in her mouth , messy emotionally but on - point physically , vvv bad driver , loves a good theme party , can’t get through the day without multiple cups of coffee , refuses to wear glasses in public even though she’s quite far - sighted , always carries hand sanitizer , prefers rain over sunshine .
background
her mother , marcia almeda , was a recent graduate from secondary school who packed a backpack and went traveling !! before long tho she ended up knocked up by another backpacker , this one american , while they were having a fling in sydney ( hence sofie’s middle name lmao @ her mom’s humor ) . she flew back home when she found out & never told sofie’s father oops !! so marcia had sofie at home in recife just before her nineteenth birthday , and marcia was enthralled w little sofie . ofc she inherited her mother’s beauty ( i hc marcia looks like alessandra ambrosio bc hello ! ) & little sofie lived a happy early childhood life in her grandparents’ home in recife.
brazil isn’t the safest of countries & marcia didn’t want the same dangers she experienced growing up for her young daughter , so around sofie’s eighth birthday , her & her mother packed up and went on a ‘ trip ’ to new york city . joke’s on sofie , though - it wasn’t actually a trip , but rly they were trying to move there to find sofie’s father to confirm his paternity and get sofie american citizenship . it was proving more difficult than she thought , & marcia was quickly running out of money . with a face like hers , though , making money wasn’t too difficult , but it was time consuming . marcia found herself escorting older men in order to pay the bills , all the while leaving little sofie to fend for herself . some of her earliest memories are of strange men in their tiny apartment & sofie trying to block out their conversations with her lil cassette player hiding in the corner of her room . eventually , marcia was able to contact the father & they set up a meeting . sofie had gotten her hopes up that she would finally have a dad ( she got dressed up in her sunday best & everything bc reuniting her dad was a BIG deal ) , but the meeting ended up being a quick exchange of words , a mouth swab and a couple signatures . sofie never even learned his name , & this queued up a lifetime of daddy issues & distrust of men !!
while marcia was able to stay in america much longer than she was legally supposed to , eventually she was facing deportation , which meant lil sofie , with her citizenship finally confirmed , was put into the hands of her father who sent off to an american boarding school in new york without even contacting her . she would spend the summers in brazil with her mother or , as she got older , couch - surfing with different friends throughout the months . she started growing apart from her mother as she aged since she wasn’t going home every summer since she didn’t rly feel any connection to brazil . her grandfather had passed away & she only has faint memories grandmother , plus the city wasn’t at all familiar to her & she wasn’t practicing her portuguese after her mother returned to brazil .
through it all , music was proving to be the one constant in her life she could use to escape from reality . she had never done any training or classes , but she just liked singing along to whatever was on the radio & practicing on her own . she also found a passion for writing poetry which she later would realize was compatible with music . she would spend HOURS in the school library working on garage band lmfao bc she couldn’t afford her own laptop to produce music & her dad sent just enough money as he was legally supposed to . but she worked her lil tushy off & applied to a music academy in nyc & was rejected the first year ( DEVASTATING when mixed with her impostor syndrome & daddy issues ) but she practiced more & more & edned up getting accepted the next year . here , she worked on her vocal skills & music production , & started accumulating her own music & selling songs to music producers on the side for some ca$h money .
by the time she was 16 the state decided she was old / mature enough to live on her own so she got a TINY lil studio apartment in harlem where she’d grown up with her mum & she had friends who she’d grown up with . while it wasn’t the safest neighbourhood statistically sofie felt safe & just like one of the neighbourhood kids . it was the first time she genuinely felt like she belonged .
she was accepted on full scholarship to nyu & majored in music composition & vocal performance where she started finally feeling secure in herself & released her own music on soundcloud , quickly amassing a following & becoming an ‘ up & coming ‘ artist !! she was contacted by a scooter braun type guy who was interested in taking her on under his management so she dropped out of uni in her 2nd year ( bc tbh her grades in anything other than her music classes were v subpar ) . soon enough producers wanted to work with her & she was making enough that she didn’t have to sell her songs which she hated doing but had to pay the bills u know . oh & her vc is billie eilish bc ofc shes my queen go stream when we all fall asleep where do we go on spotify u won’t be disappointed
she also started getting into the partying scene here yikes !! it was a method for her to numb all her pain from her past & impostor syndrome & drown all that out in pills or tequila . it rly wasn’t healthy bc of how she would binge for a weekend then try to stay sober throughout the week but failing by about wednesday when she started to feel hollow . she wasn’t gonna be a one hit wonder & her mom sure as hell didn’t go through all that trouble just for sofie to be a nobody addict !! so she kept it together enough to start making big bucks & well ……. here she is :~)
personality
sofie blames it on her brazilian heritage but this bitch loves a party !! like shes the one who gets happy drunk at the pre then is the first on the dance floor then later falls out of the club & into some rando’s bed !! in the back of her mind she knows her drug & alcohol use is self - destructive but she figures shes allowed to let loose sometimes ( even if that ends up being most nights ) ; rly she’s just in denial bc she doesn’t want to change her ways & lose her identity !!
doesn’t put labels on her gender identity or sexual orientation . she finds them restrictive & useless for herself , labels would only be to satisfy others . she doesn’t see herself as 110% female either like she’s all about gender being a social construct / a spectrum ; some days she’ll get dolled up & wear heavy makeup & six inch heels , some days she’ll walk around in a bun & tracksuit & trainers . anyone who asks abt it will swiftly get 2 middle fingers in their face !! shes uncontrollable i swear
puts up a tough bad - ass front like billie does aksjdh like nah nothing can hurt me im bulletproof !! but is rly just kinda broken underneath . she doesn’t even let her closest friends know how hurting she is bc she doesn’t wanna burden them . she rly uses mmusic as an outlet tho so she’ll act totally tough then go to the studio & record all about her heartache . will NEVER let someone see her cry no matter how close she is with them . she rly sees it as a sign of weakness & shes in a much better place than she was 5 years ago so she figures she’s not ALLOWED to feel anything but grateful .
this bitch overthinks everything !! half the time she isn’t rly listenning to whoever bc she’s thinking about what they just said & if they’re mad with her . she’s that friend who will ask u to come over to formulate the perfect text response & fuss over it for hours . that being said , if someone talks shit abt anyone shes tight with , they’re gonna get it the next time she sees them . she isn’t about violence & would never get into a physical fight , but she’d work behind the scenes to ruin their life . but then she pretends like she rly doesn’t care though its obvious to those close to her that she cares way too much
has a very hard time expressing love bc she didn’t have much practice w it growing up . she was on her own most of her young life so even if her mom would tell her te amo she would be like uh huh gtg bye !!
tldr ; poor bitch w abandonment issues who was able to get out of it by channeling her energy into music & numbing the stress with pills or alcohol which she def still overuses but she doesn’t think its a problem !! yikeroony !! loves partying & having a good time , puts up a tough front but is rly soft underneath .
wanted (* = mw)
friends from high school !! - people sof stayed with in the summer bc she wasn’t going home to brazil .
friends from music school !! - she def felt like an outsider among the music prodigies at this school , & maybe this person was one of the ppl she actually connected with .
come out & play !! this person acts as a good influence to sofie . they’re level - headed & very grounding , & sofie doesn’t let it show but they’re really important to her . this is the Softest billie song ( prob bc it was for an ad skdj ) & they inspired it bc it’s how she feels when shes with them . they encourage her to be all that she can be & they believe in her , & they’re prob the one person sofie trusts the most which is SAYING something !!
*exes on bad terms !! - ok this would basically be based on all the songs billie has about a failed relationship / heartbreak !! shes got a bunch . im thnking maybe she was actually rly into them but had a hard time expressing it bc she’s never been good with emotional expression , & it led to the relationship feeling ?? unfaithful / disconnected ?? idk but she rly loved them & is still nursing that heartbreak . ( x , x , x )
the paris to her nicole !! - ok i f*cking hate that i said this but she’s nicole richie its true !! she needs a messy gal pal exactly like how paris & nicole are i stan them ( x , x , x )
roommate !! - bc of her abandonment issues she rly doesn’t like living alone so prob is the roomie who will sleep in their bed from time to time bc she doesn’t like being totally alone .
*when the party’s over !! - these two have been hooking up for a while no strings attached but recently feelings have been caught !! & now they still hook up quite often but sofie’s kinda harboring feelings & pretending all is well but she rly hopes they’ll just stay the night from time to time , & gets secretly heartbroken when she sees them flirting or leaving with someone else . they can also have feelings if u want that angst :~)
fwb !! - sofie is pretty transparent when it comes to what she wants & she’s got a bad habit of replacing dealing with problems with getting laid !! like u know in movies when the man opens his wallet and a row of like 20 pictures of different women fall out ?? that’s sof’s aesthetic . she’s got a bunch of fwb of all genders so bring me some pls
***mutual dislike / copycat !! self - explanatory , sofie thinks this person is copying her in everything she does & thinks its annoying af so she wrote a song abt it & hopes they indirectly get the message even if she drops not so subtle hints . skfldjh itd be messy pls !!
party buddies !! - someone who encourages sofies wild ways . when the two get together its usually to get drunk or high & thats the way they like it . sofie doesn’t feel judged by them as she does by others who don’t get obliterated at every social event ( what an idea !! ) so she rly values them , even if she doesn’t express it
** 8 !! - someone who kinda reluctantly got into a relationship with sofie out of maybe a desire to save her from herself ?? like u know that good girl bad boy trope where the girl tries to save the boy from whatever he’s struggling with ? that’s them but the roles are just reversed - good guy , bad girl . it was kinda just filled w her being self - destructive & confiding in him but not rly reciprocating the care so he became kinda distant bc of it . tbh she prob knew he was too good for her but had a sliver of hope he wouldn’t leave her even tho eventually she became too much for him . ( lyrics : you said, "don't treat me badly", but you said it so sadly, so I did the best I could, not thinkin' you would have left me gladly. i know you're not sorry, why should you be? 'cause who am I to be in love, when your love never is for me?” )
good influence !! this person can tell that her beahvior is unhealthy & are trying to gently nudge her abt it . she can tell what they’re doing but her addict brain is telling her its invasive & threatening so shes not the fondest of this person , but deep down she really appreciates them
music buddies !! these two are both in the music industry & rather than it being competitive , they’ve developed a friendship from it & enjoy working together .
* someone sofie ghostwrites for !! for whatever reason , this muse doesn’t write their own songs & instead pays sofie to write them for them . she doesn’t love it but its a way to make money & give away songs she doesn’t feel attached to but are worth something . maybe its tense bc they claim the songs as their own & sofie doesn’t like it , this could be ~escandolo~ later !!
*** my boy ( high school bf ) !! - ok tea this song is the one that broke her into the industry . she produced it all herself & just relased it to her soundcloud thinking it wouldn’t rly go anyway but !! joke’s on yung sofie . essentially he thought the relationship was going well , she’d met his family & they rly liked her but !! sof was feeling kinda smothered & told herself he was lying & cheating on her n shit so she wrote a song about it !! & once it was starting to get attention he was like ….. uhhh what the fuck & she was like haha sorry !! so they broke up & ever since its been animosity , but she realizes she fucked up but it launched her career so she doesn’t know whether to keep up the idgaf i hurt you or apologize .
* ex - friends !! ok pls i have this hc where sofie got way too high one night & slept with this person’s dad or sibling or smth !! u know that line in ‘ bad guy ’ where she goes ‘ might seduce your dad type ? ’ ya that’s got sofie written ALL over it !! & now they’re not friends bc sofie can’t keep it in her pants but both sides kinda misses the other but are too stubborn to say anything :~(
exes from college / high school !! - ok honestly i just love all the exes plots . gimme someone who like maybe they were hooking up & decided to give it a shot dating & it worked for a while but ultimately fell apart bc of sof’s inability to open up. maybe theres still tension or maybe theyre friends now !!
* lovely !! - i need a male voice for khalid’s part in lovely bc i need this song in my life bc its a whole ass sofie mood ok .
i’ve also got a wanted connections tag linked HERE dksfj there's not much in it yet but feel free to check it out . ok i love y'all
18 notes
·
View notes
im back
hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...
work / school (?)
work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY
and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.
sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:)
anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??
idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.
ermmm relationships...???
i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)
i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??
for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?
anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))
but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.
i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh
on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.
i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.
on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....
anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!
EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes.
0 notes
okay sorry didnt reply to ur reply to my ask i was cleaning an entire house bc im a slave to my parents existence amirite ladiez but anyways oh also i love that you give long replies to asks so sexy of you, but tru about a lot of things but also as a fellow poor broke bitch internet is expensive some devices get shared etc and so maybe i think im more worried about getting people to read and like acting on what theyve read then as well like putting in the effort in this economy ?? and like sometimes i wonder if younger kids will be able to like sit down and fully read n absorb info because its not rly instant gratification theyre used to like how they are with likes and comments or super in your face consumable content maybe (i sound like a boomer i swear im not i barely turn 19 this year 👁👁) also idk why but i genuinely laughed out loud at you having to explain to someone what it is for smth to be political “i was like omg ... i live in a such a diff reality to u” omffgg n that sounds like a fun course to TA for technology and education on it rly went zjoom in the last couple awf years innit, do you think some of the info being taught in the course is going to change as quick as the tech is ?
LOL relatable ... the worst was having guests over so i’d have to like make every corner spotless with my sister while my mom hovered angrily jkdfhg and cleaned the kitchen? i guess? even tho my sis and i would still do that too ... o good! u don’t mind long replies i feel bad sometimes replying too much cause i’m like omg i doubt they wanna read all that but ... i’m happy u don’t mind. i see what u mean .... no idt u sound like a boomer it truly is a valid concern but like i think maybe it’s cause a lot of the ‘solutions’ that are presented to this problem really are like maybe not addressing the root of it? cause like ok if u think abt the kids engaging with insta-activism like the slideshows and shit and let’s say they only ever engage with ones that have like pretty uncontroversial accurate info (which obvs isn't’ the case but pretend it is) like they won’t b inclined to do the reading if they’re under the impression that it is accurate and uncontroversial even if the reading and source material is literally referenced, but urging them to do the reading is also gonna have no effect cause it doesn’t have that instant gratification right, instead .. like personally ... i think it has to b self-starting right for it to be self-fulfilling and to get ppl to engage, and i think a really great way of doing that is instead teaching ppl and teaching kids to practice education and to practice like ....reading and the consumption of information critically... cause if u make ppl always consider things like who’s writing this, from what standpoint, why would they write this, who is saying something in contradiction to it..... like once u sow that seed of doubt, doubt is impossibly difficult to get rid of.... like it just sticks in u like wait but what if... is this info legit ???? and usually thoughts like that prompt further investigation and further reading and largely like buzzfeed articles will end up unsatisfying cause duh and so it might direct ppl to the source authors and the source material u know what i mean.... but if the doubt and the drive to engage with shit criticalyl doesn’t take in a person, then i don’t think there’s anything that would make these kids engage with things more deeply anyway like no matter how much info u throw at them that might contradict their attittudes idt it’s gonna change.... like again to the uni example even in uni where students might be required to read a whole syllabus, if they don’t vibe with the content for whatever reason it’s really gonna have no lasting impact. but if u make ppl doubt the content and the attitudes with which a media text has been constructed then maybe they would go out and find other stuff.... i mean obvs there’s an issue abt how a lot of these facebook moms have too much doubt and not enough reputable information but i think that’s proabbly another important skill ppl are simply not taught ...... like the extent of MY education, personally, on reputable sources was “don’t use wikipedia” and then in uni “try to stick to academic articles from big journals” and obvs another issue with that is not everything that makes through the hoops of the academy is going to be reputable or good but like u kno that’s the critical thinking part .. but at least in my experience neither thinking critically, not vetting ur source info carefully were taught to me in high school, and in university it was ONLY taught in courses that had more of a humanities valence to them ......... so what i guess i’m trying to say is that it’s NOT entirely a social media thing for ppl to be behaving that way but also social media does nothing to discourage patterns of thinking and behaviour that urge for instant gratification. like obvs social media has a gajillion other issues too that are entirely unregulated so .. overall disaster but like yea ..
and ya !! it was legit i was sitting there like omfg ..... bro ...... and apparently another TA had someone ask for the TA to mark less harsh cause they just “don’t really care about politics so they can’t write abt it well” like okay? cop out??????? grow up omg ur in third year .... but yea i think the technologies are definitely changing even between when we worked on the course in the summer and now in september more relevant things have come out like we have a lecture on materials and computer science and part ofit talks abt exploitation of kids in the DRC for mnining things like cobalt and just a couple days ago an article came out which said that apple and google i think? are being named in a lawsuit aroudn that so like yea the landscape is shifting but the base concerns are not u kno like ours is structured more high level with case examples so like data politics, technology is political, privacy, use of materials, disposal of technology/repair, etc. etc. which have and will always b relevant when discussing technology u kno!
0 notes
i dont really want to post anything, but i cant focus on what i should be working on so im hoping venting or whatever will help me clear my mind and focus better.
im so bad at letting myself just live. even now, before starting this sentence, i had to pause because i felt like i should make a decision of whether to just type a stream of unfiltered thoughts or whether i should try to paint a timeline of life lately in some kind of attempt to both be able to recall my state of mind & better remember events in general.
i guess this a mix between the two.
im so fucking sad. its so dumb writing it out. but all the sources say its better to express rather than repress. they dont specify the difference between telling an actual human or just kind of shouting it into the void however, so for all i know this doesnt really help me.
very close friend of mine had sex. i think he was trying to help me while helping himself? i dont know. i fully regret it. naturally im left thinking about it while he just kind of lives his life and does whatever he wants. i guess i have a type after all.
saw the ex at a concert. had a good feeling he’d be there but really hoped he wouldnt. i dont know if its selfish or not, but i really wish he wouldve just let me have that. hes seen the band he was interested in no less than five times. we didnt speak. im not even positive he saw me. but its enough to fuck me up on top of always thinking of him anyway. i wish i better understood the psychology of what attracted me to him in the first place. its so conflicting feeling so sure ive never felt true love beforehand while also reflecting on how much he hurt me and how early on all the warning signs were. its even worse thinking of how sure i am hes not thinking of me at all.
the family car is finally totally dead. transmission. as far as im concerned my literal heroin addict brother had done most damage using it for scraping heavy loads to feed his addiction. i dont know. complaining about the details doesnt change anything. i know it was wrong for him to have continued access to the car while contributing nothing but it doesnt change the fact that i have no idea how to get to work. ive already missed the past week. no one cares. only one person has tried to help and i dont even feel comfortable accepting it because none of my friendships or relationships are just fucking normal or whatever.
i didnt even want this job. i never wanted any of this. i just wanted better and instead everything feels genuinely worse. im trying so hard to be so baseline normal functioning adult but it only ever seems to emphasis to me how other i feel from everyone else. it doesnt help when my friends emphasis it unknowingly.
i know i need professional help; it just seems unrealistic. if i can hardly get to work and respond to people, how can i find a way to even get to a therapist, much less figure out what my options are, assuming i even have any. the handful of times i have tried reaching out to healthcare providers or whatever, ive ended up at dead ends. the system seems so broken that any attempt generally left me feeling more helpless. its so confusing. im aware of plenty of people that figure out how to take advantage of the system for prescription drugs.
i dont really feel any better and i still need to at minimum get a basic template of this business card together. it only became abundtanly clear a couple days ago how much this other friend of mine was literally like, looking for work for me. im not even sure what i thought it was before, but i have so many conflicting feelings about it. i hate the idea of people worrying about me.
i feel no better and really need to try to get shit done since im supposed to go out to dinner tonight at my sisters mother in law. rly dont want to. her birthday. very little in life feels like an actual option.
SPINEE - FUTURE FAST MOVING ROYAL DOG will get me through.
0 notes