#im running to texas rn nothings stopping me

[pumpkinsy0]

Ok this might seem stupid but hear me out, perhaps we could get some headcanons of papercut in the events of the book but instead of Johnny it was Curly who stabbed the soc and him and Pony had to run away together? It would also be cool to see what the Curtis AND Shepard gangs reactions are

this aint stupid,,,,ur onto something here,,,,

•ok look, not REALLY related but curly woulda loved that white trash w mustangs and madras line, this white on white violence gotta STOP💔💯

•ANYWAYS, i think he’d put up more of a fight, he’d try to get to pony but they were outnumbered so he gets cornered, HOWEVER, he always carries some weapon on him, or maybe he picked up a coke bottle, POINT IS, bob still died lmao

•i dont think curly and pony would stay around that area as long as johnny and pony did, curly would want to leave as soon as he could so nobody could see them, so ponys forced to just get it together in under like 2mins so they could leave, so ponys disassociating badly

•theyd go to tim, curly doesnt like dally and tim IS his older brother, then tim would tell dally, and they still end up at the dirty ass church</3

•now curlys shaken up too, like hes not trying to show it to look tough, but hes never done THAT before, never flat out hurt someone that badly before, but he still doesnt regret it bc it was to defend pony, however considering hes black in the 60s in TULSA, hes so certain a judge will not gaf that it was outta self defense, so actually hes disassociatin too, they both a lil fucked up rn

•back at home, dally didnt tell darry or soda where they were but tim sure as hell did, he gets what darrys goin through cause theyre both older bros worryin over their younger bros, darry doesnt know HOW to react at all to it, he doesnt tell soda nor johnny, or anyone really, when two bit says he’ll go to texas (i think it was,,,) to look for him, darry says not to bother, so they all feel like darry knows where pony is and they dint know wether to be happy or terrified bc why isnt he tellin em or getting him??

•when it comes to the shepard gang, tim did tell some of em whats going on, only his trusted guys tho, theres basically nothing they CAN do to stop word from spreading about it bc the socs who were there already went to the cops, so they all have to lay low for a while, stay in line cause tim quite honestly cant handle anything more rn

•angela’s pretty much losing it too, shes drinking more, way more irritable, if one of the shepards is gone, ALL of em r losing it dawg

•in the church, curlys trying to act like his normal self but u can tell that he’s damn near close to losing it cause this could mean prison or the death penalty, hes so sure hes done for and pony wants to reassure him but holy fuck it aint lookin too good, they do their normal banger but u can feel this somber tension between the two as if this is gonna b their last moments together

•curly is NOT talking about turning himself in at all, he’d rather kill someone else to NOT go actually, on top of that tims telling him to stay hidden, dallys tellin him to stay hidden, so thats how he knows hes GOTTA stay there

•NOW THE FIRE, just like dally, curly dont care that much bout those kids im ngl, but bc ponys running in there, now HE has to help, boooooo👎🏽👎🏽👎🏽👎🏽

•curly aint like johnny, hes grabbing those kids and pushing them out, whatever injuries they get outta that they gonna have to deal w later, its better than them being dead id think, when the church falls, honestly??? i think my main man curly gettin outta there in time, he lowkey DID push pony out the window cause he was taking too long and then jumped out bit aye, hes livin

•its either that or he risks it and takes the longer way out if like, the wood fell where the window was

•he aint livin without some injuries and scars tho, he did definitely break SOMETHING and got some burns on his hands and wherever else, but hes relatively fine, a part of the reason y is bc he wears a leather jacket, unlike johnny who wears a jean jacket, and jean jackets r more flammable, and as seen w pony, the leather jacket did help him a bit in that fire, he still is banged up tho

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

I rarely feel this alone its probably because I didn't eat anything all day and because I didn't drink water all day and because my bf yelled at me again this morning for complaining o r not listening or something and because I have bpd and because I felt ostracized at my university and because I failed my classes and because I don't wanna be part of that bs propaganda statistic that weed enjoyers do not do well in college and drop out because that is only part of the problem weed can make people distracted and "lazy" for sure but that applies with pretty much any other legal "drug" or other form of entertainment, and I also feel alone because I did bad at school because I live in like two different places and still don't have a car or drivers license IN TEXAS and also because I am constantly scared all the time of everything and also because everything is exhausting and also because I have been needing to do my laundry for months now and also because I have adhd and have been undiagnosed my entire life until like 2 years ago and also because I feel like everyone hates me and no one will ever like me for the dysfunctional angry abusive disgusting incompetent useless and stupid person I really am and I am a literal burden to everyone that has ever interacted with me and also because I hate everyone and also because I want to be perfect and amazing all the time and solve everyone's problems so we can all be friends and no one ever thinks im weird or yells at me or hates me or tells me to do shit ever ever ever again and also because I am living in America and also because there is an entire population of people being erased and its happening in front of our eyes and all the awareness is great but im really scared nothings helping I guess I should donate after this or at least spread some more awareness idk

I hate that I havre so much to complain about when im literally living some peoples dream. I cant believe these opportunities were wasted on me. it should've been someone else that went to school and got the degree instead of dissapointing everyone and being an awkward outcast in the classroom.

im literally making this about myself I don't know how I can be so selfish. my bf gives me shit all the time about how I complain too much and look for problems instead of solutions, which I understand but he seemed very skeptical when I say that conflict is an addiction in some cases especially traumatized kids (me)

im so hurting guys im in so much pain ive been in pain a lot of my life, like not a lot a lot but a fair amount for sure

ive been running on between 15% ~ 5% battery for the past 6+ years I don't know how much time I have left

and don't even get me started on the health concerns I be smoking and vaping (vaping isn't nearly as often tho) and omg I just saw that kurzegazxt (idk how to spell them) video about smoking lmfao

I feel like according to everyone ive ever interacted with, I am either trying too hard (stressing about overly specific schedules) or not trying hard enough (snapping and or having a meltdown "on purpose")

everyone wants something from me and even when they don't want anything I am suffocated by my thoughts telling me Im not doing enough for them I am so exhausted and scared and sad this world is such an evil and rotten place sometimes I am so scared for the fate of humanity we are so screwed and hopeless (ok not really but this is my mindset rn and its MY MENTAL EPISODE I GET TO CHOSE THE RANT LYRICS)

oucccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ouuuuuuuccccccchhhhhhhhh

chat, is it ethical to ask someone to "just stop" having symptoms of emotional irregulation? omg Imma make a poll lmfao

just everything is bad rn im really going through it my life is falling apart and I keep ruining everything and its all my fault because I am not disciplined enough I hate

om,g that funny moment when your dad doesn't let you take meds when you actually wanted to try them and then you try weed and its cool but it does not help with school because work hates you, and so you try to get back into meds when you're in school and you never prepare enough for each semester and there wasn't time to adjust to new meds before the semester and then I ended up doing weed again because I cant just do the entire semesters unmedicated. ME??? MY ADHD ASSS????? TRYING NOT TO DIE AT UNIVERSITY????????

WITHOUT SUBSTANCES???????????

Oh goodness

Anyway but yeah that paragraph is basically just saying I wish I coulve had meds before I tried za. that way my chances of graduating without going to the psyche ward twice wouldve been probably been at least a little higher

and now guess who's giving me shit and probably hates me to death because im abusing their son/grandson and im not taking meds yet because I haven't had time to look for an in person psychiatrisist because im still looking for a job because I haven't cleaned my room yet because of the stupid internet sucking me into an infinite abyss of capitalized attention spans. yep that's right, my potential in laws. im sure they cant stand me anymore. his grandma literally told me to "take care of him if you know what's good for you" and I know that cleaning the house and not being verbally abusive is a great way to ensure our future family doesn't get sick.

im gonna kms guys ok not really but I think about it a lot sometimes I really cant stand this anymore

HOOOOOOOW DO YOU ACCEPT CONTSTRUCTIVE CRITICIMS NORMALLY>???????????????? HOW DO YOU JUST NOT BE SCARED BECAYSE YOU CAN'T TELL IF THEIR BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU IS JUSTIFIED OR IF YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF??????????????

HOOOOOOOWWWWWW???????????????

OH AND ASO because my brother hates me and has gone no contact with me for the past few months and he just doesn't talk to me ever and also I want to die so bad and my cat

oh my cat

wang ja my beloved

*starts tearing up* ooough my caaaaaat..

my cat oh my beloved cat is almost in his 30s in cat years and I feel so horrible because he had to live with my parents for most of his 20s and late teens while I spent a lot of time with my bf because he was my safe space once, and now I see he's getting older even if only slightly and my house is so boring and the food is so shitty I want to give him fresh food from the farm and give him lots of fresh air and exercise and we just cant have those nice things rn because we live in a society. :"(((((((((

omg please someone just stab me i cant take this

[jaybleep]

🌺 Send this to ten other bloggers you think are wonderful. Keep the game going! 🌺 hi hello i love and adore you with my WHOLE heart julia !!! 💖💖

my baby katrinaaaa 😭😭 my heart is bursting!!!!!  I 💕💘LOVE💕💘 YOU💕

[jess-oh]

Reflection

these buns look amazing

im feelin kinda sleepy rn. probably bc it’s midnight in texas but, whateva

my wording might not be as great as a result im sure i’ll still be able to communicate the jist of my brain dump.

so ive been trying to start this entry for a while but i kept stopping. was it bc of my laziness? weariness? just wanting to avoid the truth? who knows! probably all of the above!

so, i realized that i really crave affection and acceptance. probably bc those are things that i didnt get a lot of growing up. i definitely think i desire to be in a relationship with a significant other. right now? it’s too fast and im not ready. but definitely one day in the future. 

while in texas, i could begin to tell when i was starting to get overly attached to my cousins or sister or aunts or uncle and i always did my best to keep myself in check and to just remind myself that they are just people. not some deities to be worshipped. before this trip, i think a part of me was nervous that i’d constantly be trying to fit in and especially please my cousin katie since i used to always look up to her. but we were actually on a pretty even playing field this time. it was probably in part to me keeping myself in check and her social anxiety increasing recently but... i was still happy to have shared that time with her. we bonded our things specific to our interests and laughed hard together. we discovered many similarities and nothing ever felt too rushed or forced. and for that, i am grateful. 

i am leaving back to chicago in less than a month and a part of me is excited to get back in control and learn new things and push more of my boundaries and limitations. but the other side is really nervous to be returning to all that struggle and spiritual warfare. and also saddened by the fact that i have to say goodbye to this incredible summer that i’ve had. i’ve had the opportunity to reconnect with old friends, laugh about the past, find joy again, grow spiritually, learn so much more than i could have ever expected, and met a ton of new and wonderful people. and im really happy i did and im really happy that i decided to come home this year.

uncle steve even offered his place for thanksgiving or just in the future in general since im already so close in the middle of the u.s.a!

so thank you, God.

i have learned that there are definitely parts where i don’t belong and don’t fit in. but at the same time, there are other places where i am perfect. and i’ve learned to adapt more, be more spontaneous, and most of all, just enjoy life as it is.

i think my late night trips with andrew and david have been one of my favorite parts. even though we haven’t gone out all too often, i have honestly really treasured our moments together. i recently asked andrew if he wanted to hangout later and at this point, im not sure if it’s going to happen. especially because he hasnt touched facebook in 10 hours. he’s probably been out all day or something. at first, i wasn’t sure why i felt a fear in his unresponsiveness. but now i know. it’s just bc i want to have more trips with him and david before i leave bc my time is running out. and i do really want to have at least one more outing with them. hanging out the night before i leave would be the best but honestly, any day is fine. 

and i wish them both the best of luck. i hope we can all keep in contact and continue to be friends but i think my more logical side knows that that’s not likely. and that’s why the time we have now is that much more precious. because it’s not going to last forever. not even a month. 

and as much as that saddens me, a part of me is still hopeful that we will be able to reconnect one day in the future.