#im scared of pain. im scared of dying. i know for a fact id never be able to pull anything off

[icarusredwings]

I rewatched Deadpool 2 and took notes.

Disclaimer: He's mentally ill and does mentally ill things (GASP, who would have thought?). Also, violence. A lot of violence. It's really long. Like.. really really long.

The very first words he says is "fuck wolverine"

Then blows his own head off with a shit ton of gasoline. Wonder if he had insurance on that appartment.

He started taking worldwide cases

He also admits to knowing "8th grade spanish"

"Passion of the christ. Then me." Says the man whos marvel jesus now.

I wonder how much wade owes cab guy.

Cab guy killed bandu Lmao

"What is it?"

"My IUD"

"A bomb??" Tell me why he was lowkey excited for it to be a bomb?

I love how serious he gets talking about how scared he is to be a dad.

This empire joke traveled from the first movie too.

"Pretty sure it doesn't work that way but we can try" yes.

When making toaster strudles its almost as if he could sense them coming despite it being so silent. This kind of makes me think that Logans not the only one who just jumps up sometimes.

This man really just said "Fuck it" jumped out of a 2 story window, BOLTED after this guy as fast as he could, got hit by a car, rammed another car, and whole ass hugged this guy before jumping in front of a truck with him. I don't want to see anyone try to tell me he's one sandwitch drop away from jumping off a cliff.

Cinatography by Blind Al.

Directed by one of those guys that killed john wicks dog.

God I love Ryan Reynolds because you know it was him.

Wade stop peeing your pants in public.

Weasel "We still have bowie..." Yeah id lie to him too at this point.

"Yeah im fine"

Fucked up

Insecure

Needy and

Emotional. Kübler ross apprently.

"Buck no more speaking lines for you" and he meant that shit.

Al is so humble and sweet. Making tea and giggling. Tries to shoot him and then just hears him collapse on the floor. How many times do you think he collapses on the floor a week? Just to be drimatic?

"Sweetheart can you speak up? Its a little hard to hear you with yhat pity dick in your mouth" Oh so shes his mom. Al is his fucking mom. Hands down. And the best one.

I love how he decided to do an entire bag of cocaine before dying. There was no reason for it and honestly was a waste of cocaine until you realize that these cocaine is wades whiskey. Shots dont work for him really, probably because hes already done it so much, but its the same way how Logan chugs that bottle before wade kidnaps him. Its easier to blame it on a substance then accept those were your actions.

Ness is so cute. The poster behind her has "I love you wade wilson" scratched into it. Its nice to know that his version of heaven is literally just a cozy Saturday morning with his wife.

Colossus just walking in to find wades body parts everywhere and put him in a bag like old dirty clothes lol

"Why cant I fucking die" tone was SO serious.

The fact that theres an x men rule book and its lowkey thicker then a bible. I bet you scott and Logan made 80% of those.

"That asshole was me" oh the tears. Baby boyy.

Wait isnt cable literally scotts son.

Im never going to understand this fucking time line jesus christ

Mutant rehabilitation?? What is he a drug addict? That kid is clearly in pain dipshits.

"X men trainee" is so funny

"Please stop cheating on me"

Daniel the pedophile looking ass

Bro casually signs ryan reynolds on the wolverine cereal box and then destroys his knee caps.

"Those guys hurt you??" It was at that moment, wade went ape shit.

Wade having fun in prison is so him. But come on imagine going to prison just for standing up to an abused child. Not to mention, His face when he immediately realizes how fucked he is and that "oh shit I actually DO have cancer now and it SUCKS"

Is it just me or does Cable reminds you of forge with all his cool fix it abilities. Or is he just futurey.

He didn't say were not friends to make him upset but to draw attention to himself. Him just eye rolling when stabbed in the hand was so funny too because he was like "Ouch. God damn it. Ducking OUCH."

Hes literally pleading with russel to find someone else to peotect him or hes gonna get molested because he cant do anything. His entire power is replacing dead cells WITH new cancer cells. His entire body is dying 24/7 but never fast enough to actually kill him, always regrowing way too quickly. Cancerous is better then dead.

"Get away from me kid" yeah cause he knows hes trouble and he REALLY doesn't wanna watch this kid die.

"Who the hell tries to kill a 14 year old boy"

"Kids give us a chance to be better then we used to be"

Dopinder is so wholesome. I love him so much. No i dont care that he killed a guy. Hes the type of friend you call to take to the movies or the zoo once every year and hes stoked just to be invited.

Peter: I just thought it looked fun :D

Dopinder: FUCK

Peter is that one dad whos kids left the nest and now he needs friends and a hobby so searches for the biggest weirdos he can find.

"Grab the boy- NOT INAPPROPRIATELY >:("

i love his crayon maps/plans

Oh my god weasel im not telling you anything ever again you snitch (same dude, cable is terrifying)

After crying over the love he has for his new team (x force) Wade confirms that he spent 10 years in special forces.

I love how supportive wade is with Peter despite him just being a normal dude only for him to immediately die LMAO

He just cassually lets his impulse win in which he steals a moped.

Oh i just noticed Dominos vitiligo. I always loved vitiligo charaters. Theyre so unique and barley ever given movie roles. Like why not?? Why wouldnt you want someone so beautiful? Im pretty sure she just has make up but it would be cool if not.

Something else is that cable just starts yeeting criminals out onto the street lol

"Theres nothing I cant kill" Let me intorduce you to the man whos on a constant road to dying but can never actually get there.

Im assuming cable wants to kill russel because he unleashes a big bad guy or something.

*cassually snaps neck back into place* Oh god that hurt!

Oh I was right! It was Juggernaut :)

Wade: *gets excited about being PHYSICALLY ripped in half*

"Rub my legs mama 🥺 I got growing pains"

"Oh noo! No no no Dp not again!" We love you Dopinder. Do not ever stop caring. "This shits happened before!?" Yes weasel. Sometimes your friends get ripped in half. Get used to it.

Wade just moves her gun to the right position.

Wade talking about saving russel is so serious that it makes you forget that he has a tiny baby ass rn. I couldn't make a deal with someone woth tiny baby legs... just... no. Not to mention that those baby legs are made of cancer.

"50 years from now you're super fucking dead"

Wade standing outside of the xmen mansion with his phone and a picture of a boom box playing music for Colossus to come outside and help him save russel is something i can see happening to Logan. They have a fight and he storms off to the mansion only for wade to stand outside like that.

"Hi Wade🎀✨️" "Hi Yukio!🥹 you guys make a super cute couple 😊 where was I? 🤨"

"So you wear a helmet so your brother cant read your mind?" "Yeaaahh" average kid conversations.

"Lets fuck some shit up is my legal middle name"

Okay sir edgelord.

Apprently wade has a gluten sensitivity

What is it with wade and metal men??? My man has a type.

"Im just gonna use this brick and maximum effort" Same wade. Same.

Yaayy!! Go yukio! Eveyone loves yukio.

"Thats how we do it in mother russia" What? Shoving an electrical cable up their ass and then put them in a pool? Damn. Ok.

That "I never should have never left you in that prison" with the hug? Man hed be a decent dad I think.

"Dont be ive been trying to make this happen for awhile" okay someone supervise him 24/7. Hes on the active watch list.

Wade: *is dying* Hi Yukio :D

Yukio: Hi wade :)

"R-dog" Oh my god hes too cute.

Them carrying the racist joke all the way til the end made me cringe but that was the point.

His last words being "do you wanna build a snow man?" Is such a deadpool thing.

I was NOT expecting to cry at the end of this stupid ass movie, AGAIN

"Dont fuck colossus" VANESSA KNEW

THE FUCKING COIN

"Is there a knife in my dick?" "There's a knife in your dick."

Oh I just didn't even notice she has heterochromancia! <3 Aahh!!

PFFT DOPINDERS SECOND CONFIRMED KILL

"WERE DEFINITELY NAMINF OUR KID CHER"

"Dont scratch!" *shoots himself 8 times* "Love you! Bye."

Wolverine: ???

[daaziscoolbesties]

minecraft endermen are really weird. theyre unnatural and make me feel off.

when i was a small child like seven years ago i would always play minecraft on creative mode and i made an ugly ass enderman "farm" made out of bricks. i had an enderman spawn egg and id just spam it and the enderman couldnt get out (so i thought). anyways having them in this enclosure was probably so i could feel "powerful" over them because to date theyre still the only mob in minecraft that makes me anxious. even above skeletons(which i used to have a horrible fear of (the real life ones not mc ones)) and spiders (which i still have a horrible fear of (again the real life ones not mc)). anyways the endermen just ended up completely teleporting out of the farm and i checked on my world the next day and they were all gone and i didnt appreciate it (this was the same world where my brother blew up my pets but thats a different story).

anyways back to endermen. besides the fact that i just didnt like dying and i did like building ugly structures, one of the main reasons i didnt play survival much for a while, or if i did id put it on peaceful, was because of the enderman. every time i passed one my heart would drop and if i happened to look it in the eye on accident my throat would feel like its closing up and idk why. if it sounds like im bullshitting you or not remembering correctly i swear im not because it still happens actually.

i play survival a ton more now simply because i enjoy it more, it feels like theres actually a goal to achieve, but i never really make efforts toward said goal(ya know, beating the dragon). none of my worlds are really created with the intention of beating the dragon, and therefore i dont have to worry about endermen. if i happen to be outside my house and theres one there, no worries i just wait for it to go away. it may spook me for a sec but im fine.

but recently me and my sister started a world with the sole purpose of beating the dragon. we may have cheated a little (like putting on keep inventory cause honestly we both suck at pvp and have died so many times) but its okay cause thats it. we still have to fight endermen to get pearls for the end portal. and so we were hanging out in the nether and made a little two block tall hidey hole and id stand by the front and taunt endermen to get them to come close so i could kill them without them being able to get to me and it worked really well actually. except for the fact that to get them to come near i had to get them to aggro onto me and to do that i have to look them in the eye and you know where this is going. and so i was like "it has been so long since i looked an enderman in the eye surely i cant still be scared of them" and i turn to my sister like "<sister> you stay in the hole ill get us some pearls"

so i go out and taunt the dudes and guess what bitch got the pit in their stomach from these fuckers!! thats right bestie and my throat started to close up and i started talking to my sister again but i could tell me voice was off from it and i dont know why it happens but it pisses me off. like theyre not even scary looking theyre just a bit odd. and i continue to do this and kill the endermen and it just. doesnt. stop. my throat keeps closing up and im not "in pain" or anything just inconvenienced like what the fuck dude its a bunch of fucking pixels. i dont know its weird.

and now this part is gonna sound super fuckin stupid but ever since i started watching dsmp i immediately got attached to ranboo (cc! and c!) and knowing that c!ranboo was half enderman made me really think "hm endermen arent that bad. granted i havent interacted with one in a while but still not that bad. perhaps my favorite hostile mob" because you know people get attached to characters and think dumb things. and then again ranboo's character straight up existing and also this one specific headcanon i saw that was like "endermen use telepathy to talk so when a player looks at them all their thoughts get projected into them and it hurts their brain :((" makes me feel kinda bad for aggro-ing them and killing them again even though its literally just some pixels dude. my brain is not kind to me about this stuff and its really dumb.

i dont know what about the endermen staring back at me sets off the sort of fight-or-flight that makes me unable to breathe for a second but its something. its not the fact that their jaws basically unhinge when theyre mad because the throat closing up sensation happens before that. it happens when i look at an enderman and it looks back up at me and holds my gaze. i dont know. i dont know why im worked up(even slightly) over a video game. theyre still my favorite hostile mob i think (not just because of ranboo honestly the other hostile mobs just kinda suck).

and also i like the idea of how humanoid they are. not human. humanoid. they have the basic aspects of a minecraft human- square, head, torso, legs, arms, eyes. most mc skins dont even have mouths anyways just eyes. but the endermen have these features differently than us. their eyes are unnatural, legs and arms too long, body all one color, one that can blend in, and you can only see its purple eyes staring you down from a distance. theyre basically just cryptids.

despite skeletons and even zombies looking closer to the player than the endermen, they still seem the most human-like of all of the mobs. they arent aggressive unless provoked. they dont like eye contact(socially awkward). they like picking up stuff and moving it around. theyre curious (i cant explain this one they just are, okay?). even the sounds they make are just phrases like "hey" "hello" "whats up" distorted and in reverse.

i want to know more about them.

i want to know where they came from.

why theyre found in every dimension.

why they sound like us.

i want explanations, i want to know why they scare us.

i want to know if they know.

if they know that we're like them in some way.

that some of us dont mean harm, but for others thats all they want to do to the endermen.

i saw a post once that said "what taught humans to be wary of things that look human, but arent?" i believe the phenomenon is called uncanny valley. what if in the minecraft universe, the thing that taught us that was endermen. or rather, the thing that taught the endermen that was us? because again, the endermen pose no threat to us unless theyre provoked. by one of us. the endermen try to communicate with us- "⊑⟒⊬" "⍙⊑⏃⏁⌇ ⎍⌿?"- but we kill them without reason. thats why they dont like eye contact, its been ingrained in them through evolution that eye contact with a human/player will end in death, and they dont want it to be theirs, so they attack first.

we- or rather, the first minecrafters, maybe (in the lore(?)) people before the game, taught the endermen to fear us. i mean we literally kill them, use their remains to enter their home dimension, and then kill their leader/mother. they do their best to stop us, but we can respawn and they cant. and then, some people even go as far as to make farms, having them all spawn in one place, crowded, cant teleport out- their only defense mechanism gone- and then are slaughtered for their pearls. and due to the mass of these farms there will be chests upon chests full of pearls that no one's using, i saw someone the other day ask what people do with them and someone straight up said they just burn them like god what a waste.

"but izzy, players make mob farms all the time and not just for endermen!!!1!!11! why are the endermen ones so bad why are you only talking about those1!1!1!!!1" 1) because i can, 2) this is an endermen-themed post, and 3) i dont like the other mobs. and of course im not actually mad at the players who like beating the game and making endermen farms and such, i mean thats what it is its all just a game just a bunch of code, 0's and 1's, so why does it matter why bother writing a whole post on it?

because when you look paste the game, when you read in between those ones and zeroes and discover this non-intentional lore, it can make things so much more,, interesting. this is fanfic material. hell, its probably fanart material too. its all for the content to see what the community can create i guess. or maybe i just really like talking about endermen and this has been on my mind for two days now and once i started typing i couldnt stop.

but yeah, thats my final thoughts.

we, humans, experience uncanny valley about the endermen.

but the endermen experience uncanny valley about the players.

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[monsterloveday]

Your grief is depressing me.

I have no idea how people will feel reading this, but ultimately I want to because  death is such a taboo subject - its avoided so much that I don't think we do ourselves any favours by avoiding it. After all, if you haven't already been through it, you will at some point. (You know what they say, you can never avoid death or taxes).

Although nothing will ever prepare you for it, I do believe we should give lee way for the people who do want to speak out on it, as it was from going through grief myself, I noticed how so many people tried to silence me due to their own fear / awkwardness / attitude towards it - this is not fair nor is it healthy. Its also a really shitty treatment towards grieving people. I feel that it is such a painful subject that we seem to fear the thought of it (and rightly so), but, I feel we do need to speak on it more - whether you have been through it or not.  This isn't to say that death should be spoken of all the time as that of course would be draining, but I do fear there are many ‘unwritten rules’ on this, one example being that you are ‘bringing people down’ or that people wont want to hear it or know what to say and you can understand that and appreciate that to a point.

But really, pretending death doesn't happen or locking those thoughts away probably don't help individuals when a loved one does actually pass away. I feel it is something us humans have to try and learn to be more open about, to not be afraid to bring it up, accept and perhaps educate ourselves on. When dad was having his last days (as horrendous as they were), I almost feel like I can say that the aftermath of death is actually worse (or maybe just as bad), that it is probably worse for the people who witness the death, over the person who is actually dying. People think that even with death ‘Time is a healer’, I even remember thinking to myself that at the year mark point, I would probably be so much better.

How naive I was. Grief has no expiry date. There is no ‘getting over it’. I feel just as bad now as I did then, and I wonder just how long this will be with me, I then fret that I will always carry this, as like I mention before, there is no ‘Light at the end of the tunnel’ with death. That person has gone, that theyre absence is so loud, it is a constant reminder, its massive, dark and noticable, and that the fact they have died will always, always, always be shit and nothing will change that. Im just telling it like it is.  Since then I look at the rest of my family, friends, and even my dog and worry about how bad it will be WHEN (not if) WHEN other loved ones die. That I have to do this again, and again, many more times. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to die first to avoid it. It makes me not like life at all. The world has become a very scary place now, how it snatches anyone it wants, and you are left to deal with that, and live a life knowing that that hangs over you all the time, yet you are expected to just ‘carry on’. At the time I remember seeing a gif of a monster hovering over a man walking up the stairs  - he knew it was there, lurking, waiting for the right moment, an extended version of waiting for the axe to fall. This is exactly how I felt. It. is. Awful. I remember being at dads side all day, at every minute looking at him and my heart pounding, checking if he was still breathing, wondering “is he dead?!”. Seeing my once strong dad now with all sorts of shit in his arms, his face, and everywhere else, not even able to open his eyes, the sounds of the machines trying to help him breathe - gah. Fuck that memory. And then going home to an empty house. My sister was with her other half, my brother his, my mum staying with dad (and rightly so). I had to walk past dads room, his belongings became SO noticeable, that even the sight of them scared me. How different this house was now. I was alone in a house that used to be my family home, now it was a house filled with horrors that reminded you of what was about to be taken away, how just a few weeks before he was in this house - not about to die. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve this, to watch my dad slowly die all day and night and have to come home alone. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be held so tight that it knocked me out. I kept all the lights on and I rang my friend who has also lost her dad and stayed on the phone to her until I fell asleep. I never forget friends like that. It was the worst. It was hell - but it wasn't a case of I was owed bad karma, its that life can be cruel, and it can be cruel to ANYONE. Not just me. And that ultimately - death is a part of life. When he died, after 10 long days of waiting for it to happen, I couldn't deal how people looked at me awkwardly, that I was the elephant in the room, that it is said that talking about things will help but yet when you try and open up peoples body language scream “I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU”, the looks on their faces, the silence. Not only that most of the people around me hadn't lost anyone, so they didn't get it, but that my grief was actually making THEM feel awkward or that they didnt really want to speak to me. Some friends didn't even bother to contact me and said “ I didn't think you would want to come out”. It all added to my isolation. To this day I still don't talk to close friends or even my family about it, how death has taken such a massive characteristic from me - expression. Its taken so much of me. And people don't know what to say. That is not an attack or criticism, because its not a popular topic, and people avoid it like the plague. And rightly so, because its depressing. But this is why I wanted to write about it, I feel that if talking of death wasn't so taboo, It would help people for when they are actually going through it, or even in the smallest way, help them accept or prepare for an inevitable death, theres no ‘How To’ on death and for me personally, not having addressed death before - it really kicked my ass (and still is to this day) when it did arrive - after all, everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. Soon people see it as old news’ (especially after the funeral - how ghastly funerals are) and assume you must be ‘better’ now. It really doesn't work like that. Its ongoing. The heart specialist that saw dad through his last days told us himself that life is much harder after the funeral - this made me dread and dread and dread the funeral so much. But he was so right. Every day was so scary, dreadful and just black. It really does feel like you are in a out of body experience, that your mind just cant handle what is going on, so it shuts itself down and blocks things out whichever way it can, for some its denial, shock, its like your in a never ending nightmare and you just want to wake up. Soon after, my sister announced her pregnancy and I freaked.the.hell.out. I couldn't deal with all this massive change in my family in a tiny amount of time, what If I never see her now?, she will have her own family and we will be forgotten?!, that dad just missed it! what if what if what if?!!?. I ate and ate my way through these situations, I couldn't control or be disciplined at such a bad time in my life, the weight piled on and so did the depression - but this decision to eat has made things so much worse - but I still wouldn't have been able to do it any other way. I had a breakdown and that very morning took myself to the doctor. I couldn't deal and I wanted pills to take me out of this, at any cost. I wanted to be drugged at the highest level. Just take it away. Pills. They were not my friend. This in itself will be another blog as I want to stay focused on this topic. But in short, my health went to shit. My confidence was dropping and dropping and dropping. I stopped sculpting, I stopped art, I stopped ukulele, I stopped cooking. I stopped dating. I stopped singing, I stopped trying. My labido completely vanished. I didn't feel like a human anymore, I couldn't give love and I couldn't receive it. I was just a thing with skin. I didn't like boys, boys wouldn't like me - not at this weight and my belly. I hated how I looked, I hated my hair, I hated my whole appearance, I hated my now unfitting clothes, I hated how depressing clothes shopping had become, so I stopped. Everything I once took pleasure in, didn't please me anymore. Not even if I tried. I think I could have done the most amazing things and it still wouldn't budge this thing inside of me, taking over. I was turning into the worst version of me, a version of me I never knew existed. Mornings became a demon.  Im sure theres loads of you that relate to this and know what I mean by this. Id be in bed and suddenly my heart raced and it felt like that feeling you get when your about to do something that scares the shit our of you or makes you so nervous you need to puke, that the tiniest tasks became mountains - “Oh my actual god I have to get out of bed today and face people and do things”?!?!  I was so nervous and scared all the time and didn't know why.

I become so so tired having to work throughout the week, yet hated the weekends because of feeling unproductive or lonely. I felt so tired doing too much but felt like I had to be doing something as soon as I stopped, its like you are in a constant battle with yourself. My life went from grief, to anxiety and depression all in one hit. And I had to try and live with it every single day. Its so hard. And I still have to keep fighting through all this crap that life throws at me, Im still not at the ‘other side’ of all this and when I think I've had my dose of it, it gives me some more. But life does this to everyone and thats why I think its important to not be afraid of being open about feeling shit, because we can be there for each other. Yet we all seem to stay quiet and get annoyed when people express themselves if they are feeling sad, they are given the “you are so negative / moaning label - this isn't the case. I hate that people turn a blind eye because people express their negative emotions, really, what is wrong with that? I think ultimately I want to say to anyone that has lost someone, or is about to, or maybe people that just battle with their inner demons... Its annoying as hell but you have to fight back. And I know its so frustrating to have to fight for things that other people get so freely. Like - just being ok. Know that I am with you. I. Am. With. You. Know that this terror, too shall pass and you will get stronger. You will.

And you'll be surprised by how many people feel the way you do, but we just don't speak of it, so we think its unique to us - its not, we are a massive bunch of humans who suffer but not together!. I learned that life isn't always on my side and admitting that life is hard, we just have to get harder, and we do. I think sometimes we don't realise it though. You don't have to be fearless to be brave, being scared all the time is brave, because you have to force yourself through the fear all the time! I wont ever be the same person I was before my dad died, but maybe I need to stop trying to be, maybe its ok that I will always be a little bit broken. Death is so life changing for the people still remaining, so don't expect to stay the same person. And that is also OK. I would like to hope that at some time, life will be brighter for us once more, I think good and bad times pass by like waves, we cant have one without the other. What a beautiful cunt life is, ay? =p. One difference I have noticed in myself is how much more appreciative I am of small things. Just being with people, taking photos, hearing the birds sing, Knowing that life isn't forever, but its now, and now is all we have. So go get that tattoo, go on that trip you have always wanted too, tell that person how deeply in love with them you are, go and get your life and chase those goals, its scary, but its worth it. We wont be here forever! There is no “Im over it” now, as mentioned before, after losing someone, a gap is there that will never be filled.  But. Although it seems so very unlikely, you will feel love again You will laugh so hard again You will be able to think of that person and a smile come onto your face, instead of a tear and sometimes it will just be tears Sometimes you will miss them so much it hurts Sometimes you will feel lucky you had them in your life Sometimes you will feel cheated that they were taken away. There will be days where you can face things and days where you cant. You will never feel just one way, but you really do learn to live with it, and I promise you, although you will miss them so much - you're going to be OK. You become better at always being sad about it, and it will always be there, but it wont destroy you like it does in the early days / months / years. I was watching a film last night, about a man who died and was saying to his still alive wife beyond the grave, “I still exist”. This filled my heart will sheer comfort - the thought that death doesn't mean they are gone, that they really are still alive - just somewhere else. Dad please be up there, I really want to see your face again! and the hope that I could gives me me such a lift!. And maybe if we try to think, that maybe death isn't the worst thing, because hopefully our loved ones have gone somewhere BETTER! where they are the happiest they could ever be, no suffering, no pain and that they are having a ball up there! its like I've said, I think its worse for the people left behind and maybe if we start accepting that death happens, maybe we wont fight against it so much by knowing that death isn't the end! Im trying to hard to feel this way! Involve only good people in your life, be true to yourself, express yourself no matter how you feel and most importantly... They still exist. Jay

[substantiating-shadows]

|| you’ll tell me Truths, but Promises, i’ll keep.||

[an andreil playlist]

————the foxhole court————

(an unrepentant psychopath) “Wheres my mind / wheres my mind” “They’ll find their bodies, in the back of my car” “I wanna make them scared” “I lost my mind / i dont mind” 1 :: bellyache - Billie Eilish

(twenty-two cities) “Ive been out on that open road” “I’ve been traveling too long / I’ve been trying too hard” “Dying young and playing hard/ That’s the way my father made his life an art” 2 :: Ride - Lana Del Rey

(when i was a child) “When I was a child id sit for hours / staring into open flame” “When i was sixteen my senses fooled me// I knew that something would always rule me” “All you have is your fire / and the place you need to reach / dont you ever tame your demons / but always keep them on a leash” “All the ashes in my wake” 3 :: Arsonist’s Lullaby - Hozier

(happy birthday, jr.) “Run, boy, run” “Run, boy, run / this world is not meant for you” “They’re trying to catch you / Running is a victory” “The sun will be guiding you“ “Always another day” 4 :: Run Boy Run - Woodkid

(goddamn right you should be scared of me) “Are you insane like me / been in pain like me” “Are you high enough wo the mj like me” “You cant wake up this is not a dream / you are not a human being” “My heart is gold and my hands are cold” “Are you strange like me/ deranged like me” “Low on self esteem so you run on gasoline” 5 :: Gasoline - Halsey

(I hated my father) “Momma was insane and daddy was a criminal” “The fact that im alive is why i still believe in miracles” 6 :: Mustang Kids - Zella Day

————the raven king————

(your fear, my heartbeat) “I feel your fear surrounded by your skin / you feel my heartbeat vibrate so violent” “I cant feel my fingertips, but you feel better when we touch” 7 :: Cold Blooded - Khalid

(insomnia) “2 in the morning, everything’s frozen, I keep on falling / I just cant get no sleep” 8 :: 2AM - Astrid S (Matoma Remix)

(the nighttime fear) “You are the silence in between what I thought and what i said” “No light, no light in your bright blue eyes” “Ill do anything to make you stay” 9 :: No Light, No Light - Florence + the Machine

(he didn’t mean to lean so much) “I feel light for the very first time” “I feel safe in the 5 am light you carry my fears as the heavens set fire” “Come settle down, settle down” 10 :: Technicolour Beat - Oh Wonder

(give me your back) “Loving you’s a bloodsport” “I’ve got your back, and though it’s stacked against us / I will burn / The people who hurt you the worst and I will not learn” “With a smile on my face as their heads hit the floor” “I’ll protect you til the day I meet my maker / So don’t fight me now cause you might need me later” 11 :: Bloodsport ‘15 - Raleigh Ritchie

(he has everything to do with this) “In the darkness all alone and no one cares” “Did you break but never mend? Did it hurt so much you thought it was the end?” “Lose your heart but dont know when? But no one cares” “Did you lose what wont return?” “You are not alone/ someones out there, sending out flares” 12 :: Flares - The Script

———— the king’s men————

(we are monsters) “Your heart hits like a drum / the chase has just begun” “We are monsters stuck in your head/ we are monsters under your bed” “And you better stay clever if you want to survive” “We’re kings of the killing and we’re out for blood” 13 :: Monsters - Ruelle

(its your turn in our game) “The terrifying rarity of truth” “Memories will taunt you / And i will try to love you / its not like im above you” 14 :: Haunt - Bastille

(i havent heard a ‘yes’) “So kiss me on the mouth and set me free / But please don’t bite” “You can coax the cold right out of me” 15 :: BITE - Troye Sivan

(countdown) “Your heart understood mine” “Secrets lie in our wake / your kiss tastes better outside the light if day” “Break my knuckles feel them crack” “I’ll reveal nothing” “My mouth your lips, your hands my hips” 16 :: Head is Not My Home - MSMR

(the cigarettes) “Setting our insides on fire for fun” “And if you’re still breathing you’re a lucky one” 17 :: Youth - Daughter

(im not as stupid as you think i am) “Where do we belong / where did we go wrong” “Running from yourself it will never change” “Give us a little love, we never had enough” 18 :: Give Us a Little Love - Fallulah

(stop looking at me like that) “The tenderest touch leaves the darkest of marks / and the kindest of kisses break the hardest of hearts” “The sweetest of words have the bitterest taste” “the hardest of hearts / the hardest of hearts” 19 :: The Hardest of Hearts - Florence + the Machine

[smxkeproject]

My name is Loryn Steffens and this is my story..

as a child both my parents were addicts.. my father mike had partys whenver i ws there. he would drink alot and didntreally pay attention to my needs, he had a grlfriendwho didnt like me. my father had anger issues and often took his anger out on me. thru angry outbursts.i didnt know him till i was 4. and i didnt want to know him. he always sent me to his parents house. i felt trapped. i couldnt speak for myself i was scared too. they always humiliated me over there. 

my mothers on the other hand was sweet and caring, loving and kind. but she let her addiction get in the way of her success. she died in 2009 drunk driving accident. i was placed with my grandparents while she did what she had to so my brother and i could have housing with her. my brother moved to my step dads house when i was 7. he was exposed to violence and addiction (alcohol and cocaine abuse more so before and after he moved. my parents would go on binges all the time. 

my grandma and i moved  in 2011. i was diagnosed as passive suicidal disorder, depression anxiety ADD and BIpolar2 disorder at 13 years old. my grandma pushed for medications and i told her that wasnt a good idea. but to humor her and pay my doctors bills i took them. i have a list of all that didnt work. ALL OF THEM. i got my thyroid taken out at 14 because my doctors thought that was the problem. at 16 my father passed away from a gunshot wound to the head. after his death i was diagnosed with PTSD and borderline personality disorder.

i met sage when i was 14. because he told someone to kill themselves. i yelled at him and told him it wasnt right. we started dating in june 2014, he introduced me to “drugs”  at the time my home situation wasnt good. so i started running away. instead of taking me out of my situations the court system put me in cuffs and sent me to jail. sage and i had a no contact order because we got arrested together. the whole relationship i was trying to help him become a better person helped his mom around the house and kept an eye on her kids sage and sawyer, never thought id say i babysat my boyfriend.

thru my years of living with them ive witness violent outbursts from sage and sawyer. saywer wanted to himself because of sage. sage would get very violent with sawyer by verbally and physically abusing him. sage gets his way by stealing and lying.   sage hornsby often took with width drawls out on me but verbally mentally and physacally abusing me. when he found out i was pregnant he didnt have much to say. besides “you should abort that baby” he has punched me in the stomach many times while i was pregnant. and people ask why i didnt leave. because i wanted to help sage become a better person. i couldnt just let him kill himself.  so i delt with the pain. as i progressed with sages mental health mine grew tired. i got depressed. i had anxiety. and thats what he wanted. after jasper was born i isolated us in the bedroom because i was terrified of my baby getting sick and dying.  the abuse continued. he would break my things he would hit me. but he always apologized. i didnt wanna raise jasper in a broken home to put up with it.  doors would slam. sawyer would stomp his feet when he didnt get his way and scream. i remember feeling so bad for them i applied for food stamps so stacy wouldnt stress about being able to afford groceries. she was up to her knees in sages court fines. by this time my PPD had taken a turn for the worst. sage has broken alot of my phones, i lost alot of friends and family because..sage would go out and stay out all night. while i was running on no sleep or food. jasper was a good baby tho. i remember being so depressed sometimes id overdose on painkillers at night. im cry alot because i wanted to die but i didnt wanna leave my son with such violent surroundings. 2018 we moved to bearlake with stacys mom lori and her husband. thats where things took a massive turn. curtis is a raging alcoholic. he would get angry there were people in his house. there was alot of fighting. sage picked up the drinking more. i tried it and i couldnt stomach it. at this point i couldnt eat or sleep very well. sage still hit me at their house. he has told me to kill myself infront of his grandma, his brother. and his mom denies he even said it. 

i broke up with him and moved back to traverse city jasper. i had 3 jobs. working at subway, making music and tending to my son. sage showed up at my house at 2am. saying he wanted to kill himself. he also told me he might go to prison for human trafficking. my dumbass was still in love with him so i tried to help him sober up. he convinced me to let his mom take jasper while we tried to figure things out getting back together ect.  he took me to someones house. i got dosed with cocaine and methamphetamine. i couldnt move or speak. i had journals with me that his friend stole. they ripped pages out of my books. then taunted me. his lover zeb had said him and sage were gonna take jasper and sell him on the black market and sage told my brother they were gonna pimp me out. i sent myself the hospital after sage got violent to my suggestion that he needed help. he threaten to burn my grandmas house down and rape her. he threatened to cut me up and sell my body parts. and he told me he was gonna become an alcoholic and beat the shit out of jasper. i gave him what he wanted because i was scared

april 2019 when we moved to manistee it got worse. i went to AA NA meetings as directed by fostercare. i didnt get any signatures back then because i didnt know i had too. i went with sage to 3 meetings, when he picked up the alcohol so did i. but i didnt drink it. i acted drunk. after sage started lying to me and staying out all night and coming home drunk i started going to meetings on my own 2ice a week. i had nothing numbing my pain. i got offered ketomine by his aunt. i thought it would kill me to i took it. i got a job at taco bout it too. sage let them fire me. then continued yell about how i never did anything.

i cleaned, i did laundry, i tred to help s much as i could. he kept calling me a freeloader and told me to get a job. i tried but nobody wanted to hire because idek why. i was depessed and stressed and tired. endlessly looking for a job. i started selling my belongings so we could afford food.  

i had a job and soemome who made a petty call to it away from me because she couldnt stand the fact her man wanted me. and i can see you laughing at me. and if i had it my way my son would be in my care full time and the rest of those who laugh at my struggles and my pain dont deserve to be in my sons life. i should be able to choose who stays and who goes in and out of jaspers life. i protected that little boy with my life. that should count for something. 

also sense nobody else is concerned but me. sage has history visiting childporn websites as well threatening to rape babies. im not saying its hereditary but as a mom im terrified you would even consider letting any of these people care for my son. ive been sexually abused andassult not just this year but previous years. and people like him make me sick. i thought jasper could have both parents because i was there to protect him. now that im not allowed to watch him 24/7 is upsetting. i have support. i am able to get housing. driving scares me. i have mental disorders but im not crazy.

[megajolenejolenejolene]

I don't understand.  

My life has been torn apart, 

I have been used and abused and taken advantage of. I have given my all, for nothing.

Why haven't you tried to contact me?  Why have you denied me every step I take to reunite?

I have fought for your since day one only to be be ripped apart like a piece of garbage all to protect you because that is what you begged me to do. You ignore me and left me to rot on my own.  you live a lavish life while I cry myself to sleep every single night!

what is being said about me?

That I abandoned you? Yet I was run out of my own town, not able to face anyone who knew you or me. to be far away from the police who said you lied and lied in court for you!   Cant face the moms and friends you go to school with because you are gone Cant face family. My friends. I can't get out of bed. You died. You literally Died. I got nothing from you.  I see you places, I remember your smell, your husband and kisses! I miss our nights laying in bed laughing til our stomaches hurt when you were suppose to be asleep.

I cry at songs and movies. Everything in CA reminded me of you yet I couldn't see or hear you! I was broken, lost , broke and falling apart. I wanted to create a new life for you. I knew (or Thought I knew you wanted to be dafe and far away so he couldn't hurt you anymore). Did he never hurt you?  Did you lie to me to get me to fight for you then give up and throw me under the bus?  This is not like you! Its my little girl who could never be without her mommy! Who never wanted to be with friends or her father. who slept with me overnight, who my whole world and yes it was a crazy unpredictable world but it was all for you.

You've broken my heart! I don't understand! 

Why?  You cant be afraid of him, you were so strong and always stood up for yourself! What changed! What has he told you! What has he done to my baby girl!  Why did you leave me alone to fight!?  I continued fighting, with court and emails and calls all with false hope and more pain, No one returned my calls or emails. the email bull shit game started again! Ignore then deny!  Why? What did I do to you?  I only tried to protect you then everything turned on me and you gave up.

You are happy now. 

there's no reason you could have never called me or texted or emailed me or talked to a friend to contact me There are so many ways so whatever our reasons are, I don't think I can ever believe them. 

Its not like you.  

The last call I remember is you crying nd begging me to save you.  Then you dissapeared and I no longer existed.

Ive tried to understand he may tell you things that scare you, like Id go to jail. This is RIDICULOUS and you know this. Why you all him to continue to manipulate you now at your age, is unbelievable, so I don't believe,

you think I abandoned you? where were you? I could not have you for three years! All I could do was build a new life for us far away, now Im the enemy?

Ive almost lost my life twice and still, no one cared,  

My mother was dying and I saw you.  I grabbed you out of instinct, primal mamma bear instinct and you did NOTHING!  you didn't hug me back,  How dare you!

My heart is so broken, I don't know how I can get through the day sometimes an you are off in Hawaii, living your best life.

So where are all the other mothers?  Do you ever think of me dances shopping, your period?  Zia is the bet isn't she?  She knew everything about your dad and still supported him and now she's your mother as she always wanted to be.

Im sick to my stomach, I cant breath, I cant see the screen from my tears. 

No one wants to listen to me and understand my pain, they say oh its only three years.

You are my CHILD I should have never been taken from you and you from me.

I saw your pictures. Who are you? I don't know you.  I feel so abandoned and unloved.  

You risk everything for others but nothing for me. How will this be when I see you. will you stare at me in disgust?  I only remember the 12 year old mamas girl who stared in my eyes and told me funny stories. 

I don't know you. It hurts so much.  Im so lost. I cant talk about you I cant think of you I cant see you.  They have killed you in my mind.  I cant do therapy because it hurts to much

He has manipulated and destroyed our lives.   Im so afraid of you Im so afraid of rejection

I want my little girl so bad. I need her. My life is incomplete and not worth living without her. 

How do I go another year without her?  Does she think of me? Does she even love me? 

I think she stoped loving me. Her rejection will killl me 

I have scanned every single court document, I have scanned the copied of emails and call logs.

You need to see the lies and deceit the way they destroyed me, scared me to even breath.I couldn't take it anymore.  You need to read it all.  what they said you told them about me,  How they turned everything around. You knew the truth and you said NOTHING

If you did tell them, well I guess your financially set for life because you can sue the hell out of both lawyers,  

You need to finally see what was done to me, to run me out and destroy me so I would give up on you WHICH I NEVER DID even from 3000 miles away!  NEVER! EVER!  I fought and they ignored or ridiculed and threatened and you never helped me. Your sisters never helped. Everyone shit on me 

I cant write anymore tonight I'm disgusted.  I see your pics and I cant stomach the fact you never have tried to contact me. Theres no excuse other than Im not worth it to you.

I know where I stand and I know what I have done to resolve all of this.  I need to know what you have done.   Because right now, I cant imagine how a daughter could just stop loving her own mother 

[bandwpanda]

piece of work

[...]

“Jake?” Lottie said, looking at his soft eyes and the bright smile, whereas he was dying inside.

“Yes?”

“I thought you were sleeping.”

“No, Sam said I’d slept for fourteen hours, it was enough for me.”

“How long do you usually sleep?”

“Well, that depends, but at most nights I sleep for like... maybe three hours, sometimes I don’t sleep at all.”

“Jake, you know that it’s wrong, right?”

“Yeah, I tried to change it, but I couldn’t, I can’t sleep.”

“Oh, baby.” Lottie said with tearful voice, pushing Jake’s weak body closer to hers, and hugging him tighter. “Please, don’t do that to yourself.”

“I don’t do anything, I just have severe sleeping issues.”

“You’re too thin, Jakey. Your cheeks are more... concave? When did you eat anything last time? And, please, don’t lie, I’m here to help you.”

Inside his broken heart and lost soul he knew that Lottie, the love of his life, was right. He could not keep lying about his eating disorder, self-harm, depression and suicidal thoughts that he has been having for about two years. Suddenly he felt guilty, what his eyes showed.

“Jakey?” she attracted his attention. “Tell me, what’s really going on?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“Jake, please.”

“I’m serious, Lottie.” Jake tried to hide his tearing up eyes, as he knew that it was not a good move to cry in the front of Lottie, because in that case she would find the truth about him out. “Everything is just fine.”

“Oh, honey, then why are you crying?” she wiped the tear streaming down his pale face. “Please, don’t lie. This one time, please.”

“I just- it's too complicated... And I- I don’t know what’s ha- happening to me.” Jake closed his eyes, and so many tears appeared on his concave cheeks.

Lottie kept holding his tiny body in her arms, but when she saw the first tears, she wanted to cry, too. For her it was a broken-hearting view. Lottie swayed him carefully, as she knew that it was one of the things that were able to calm him down, especially if she was with him during the cry, panic attacks or something even worse.

“Baby, you’re safe.” she whispered to Jake, when he tightened his fist on the material of her shirt.

“I know.” he barely said. “Just take this pain away from me.” he muttered.

“Shh, you’re safe, I’m here.” Lottie kept rocking him in the way like she was rocking a baby to sleep.

It took Jake a long time to calm down, what ended up him falling asleep in Lottie’s arms. He was, finally, breathing peacefully, even though the skin around his eyes, nose and cheeks was flushed and swollen. Lottie covered him with a warm, light blanket.

Around 6PM Lottie went to Sam’s and Danny’s room, leaving Jake alone in his bedroom.

“How’s Jake?” Sam asked when he noticed Lottie coming in.

“Well, he’s sleeping. He’s been crying for over three hours and couldn’t calm down so let him sleep.” the girl explained. “He’s very tired, thin and weak. Does he even eat anything?”

“Mostly, I think so. If he doesn’t... Well, he’s good at hiding emotions and feelings in that case... I don’t know, he usually eats something, especially when he’s with us.” Josh said after a moment of thinking.

“Oh, okay, well, he’s too skinny and small, that’s why I’m asking.”

“I know, we’re all worried about him.”

“I know. I just... I could feel and see his ribs and hips. He looks literally like a walking corpse. God... I don’t want to go to his funeral.”

“None of wants it to happen.” Sam said, looking at Ariana. “That’s the last thing I want to attend to.”

“Me neither.” Josh agreed with his younger brother. “Well, let’s talk about something different than this.”

“Let’s talk about music!” Ariana said louder than she should, what only highlighted her attitude.

“Sure, why not.” Danny nodded. “So, the Grammys?”

“Don’t tell me! No, stop right there.” Ariana moved her hand on Sam’s. “No, no, no.”

“Why? You wanted to start it?” Josh was surprised but not disappointed that much.

“She has a huge crush on Ariana Grande.” Lottie explained. “That’s why. She couldn’t stop talking about her and the Grammys two days ago.” she laughed lightly.

“I see.”

Ariana’s cheeks became flushed.

~~~~

Three days later Josh, Jake, Sam, Danny, Ariana and Lottie were to Los Angeles. It was because of the situation connected to Jake and his bad mood and mental health, of course Lottie was very concerned about it. She would never let him to go anywhere alone, which he understood. Her company was making him happier than he could ever imagine.

At boys’ house Lottie helped Jake to unpack his bags, and after it, when he was in the bathroom doing bathroom toilettes, she began preparing a meal, light enough for his damaged stomach.

“I’m back.” Jake came to the spacious kitchen. “What are you doing?”

“You have to eat something, so I’m preparing a very light meal for you.”

“I told you already, I don’t want to eat.”

“But you have to.”

“No, Lottie.”

“Yes, Jake, you’re too skinny, I can see your ribs and hips, and to be honest, your condition scared me.” she responded with a very harsh tone of voice. “If you won’t eat, then I’m fucking out, because I really can’t stand your talking about not being hungry, even if I fucking can hear your stomach, the fuck are you thinking about?! Do you seriously want everyone to be worried about you and your shitty condition?! What dream are you living in?! I’m fucking out if you won’t touch this meal. Not everything is about you! I’m trying to make you feel better and you still can’t look at the fucking food. I cared about you, I stayed up all night with you, just because you wanted to talk about some stupid things that don’t even matter to me even though I all I wanted to do was going to sleep. I paid you all my fucking attention, just because you can’t notice that you’re important to me. And still, you keep acting like a whole dick and can’t understand that we’re also scared. They won’t tell you that, they don’t want you to know that they’re scared to a fucking death of losing you.”

Jake looked down on his bare feet, as his hands were playing with each other. He knew Lottie was right, but could not admit it. His eyes teared up.  

“I��m tired of your shit. Keep doing that and you’ll going to end up dead in the fucking bath.” she added and left the kitchen.

Jake was guilty. He felt like this, but he would never use his friends or brothers to feel sorry for him. It was the right time to rebuild his mental health, and health in general.

The boy sat down on the chair, thinking about his best friend’s words. And now, because of him she was gone. Of course, not out of his life, although he had that feeling.

Lottie sat on the cold floor in the bathroom and hid her face in her hands. He overreacted, and accidentally hurt one of the most important people in her life, but she was right.

Twenty minutes later she came downstairs to the kitchen, noticed Jake sitting on one of the chairs in the dining room.

“Can we talk?” she asked, coming up to him.

“I think you’ve done it for both of us...”

“Jake, no, you know that I’m never tired of you.”

“Actually... I know, you’ve said enough. There’s nothing we can talk about.”

“There is. Well, firstly, you deserve an apology. I shouldn’t have said those words, I didn’t mean it.”

“I know you, Lottie, I’ve known you for a solid part of my life. Now just... leave me alone.”

“Jake...”

“I said something. I don’t want to talk to you for now.”

Jake got up and went upstairs straight to his bedroom, laid on the bed and covered his whole body with a blanket, which smelled like Lottie, what caused him to think about her. He took an album full of their pictures, some of them were took surprisingly out of nowhere when none of them expected it, some were like those amazing photoshoots for Calvin Klein. He felt that little spark called happiness inside his broken heart, and he smiled. That was a beautiful moment.

“Jake?” Lottie stood in the doorpost, watching his behaviour.

“What do you want this time? Yell at me? Well, do it.” he responded sarcastically, and she rolled her eyes.  

“I don’t want to yell at you, not again, you didn’t deserve it.”

“Nevermind. What do you want?”

“I just wanted to check on you.”

“I’m still, somehow, alive.”

“You know I didn’t mean this.” she sat next to him on his bed. “Why are you looking at our old pictures?” she took a peek at one of the mentioned pictures. In this one was her and Jake in the middle of the woods, taken probably in their high school. “I remember this.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you were fifteen then.” she laughed.

“So were you, honey.”

“I know, I’m not that old.”

“I missed this.” he claimed after few seconds of silence between them.

“What? The laugh?”

“Yes, I missed your laugh.”

“That’s so cute.”

“I know.” he laughed again.

Jake pushed her closer to him, and she wrapped her arms around Jake’s waist and lied her head on his chest.

“Do you have more albums of us?”

“I have some pictures of us with Ariana, Sam, Josh and Danny.”

“Aww that’s sweet.”

She looked at Jake’s bright eyes. The sparks were dancing in their eyes, while looking at each other. He kept her close to him, and she did not take her arms. Jake placed his hand on her cheek, and kissed her very gently. Lottie kissed him back. They opened their eyes in order to look at each other, once again. Bright smiles were true ones, without faking any second of this delicate moment. Jake wished this moment could last forever.

“You’re sweet.” Jake whispered against her face.

“Aww, no, you’re sweeter.”

“No.”

“You’re sweet when you’re trying to deny some facts.”

“Okay, let’s be it.” Jake smiled.

“Can we talk?”

“We’re talking now.”

“Yeah, I know, but seriously... Like... Serious talk?”

“Okay.”

“Are you making yourself starve?”

Jake’s eyes became more serious than barely seconds before, and darkened.

“Wha- What do you mean?”

“Well, at the hotel, two days ago, I was thinking about it, and I connected the facts in my mind. You’re very skinny, I can see and feel your ribs and hips, literally a lot of your bones, and you don’t want to eat anything, despite the fact that I can hear your stomach, but also, you’re weak and boys told me that you keep passing out after a lot of psychical effort, including playing on the stage and that sometimes you have to hold on to something in order not to fall down on the floor.”

“Oh.” he did not have enough bravery inside to admit that Lottie was right. Lowkey he hoped she will not notice his uncertainty. However, he did not want to disappoint her.

He looked down on his hands wrapped around Lottie’s waist, hugging her, but his mind and thoughts were somewhere far away than Los Angeles. On the other hand, she was staring at his scared eyes. In that moment she found out the truth and answers to her questions she had been asking long, long before.

“Uhm... I- Well...” he started slowly, as he could not find the proper words to say something, and his eyes were showing the lost.

“You don’t have to answer to my question if you don’t want to.” Lottie placed her hand on his left cheek, what caused Jake to look at her. “I can see that you feel lost.”

“I just... I had some problems.”

“That’s alright. I won’t push you to your limits. I know that damaged people need some time to admit that there’s something wrong with themselves. You need time, I see.”

“No, Lottie. I need you, you know? It’s always been you.” he said on one breath. “It’s always been you.” the boy repeated his own words. “I just- Well, I- It all is connected to you.”

“What? Why?”

“Remember that one day in our high school when we went to San Francisco instead of going to our classes?” Lottie nodded gently, still looking at the boy, who kept talking. “Then we almost kissed on that bridge. I didn’t forget. Then I knew... I fucking knew that I- I actually loved you.” a single tear ran down Jake’s pale cheek only to be wiped by the girl, who was listening very carefully.

Lottie opened her eyes wide, not being able to say anything. That was too much for her to take at once. It was not only the fact that he admitted to having eating disorders, being depressed, but also that he loved her. The girl who was always independent, cared only about herself, excluding important people in her life, but still, she would not find this secret out if she were not sitting right here on the bed with the right person after talking to other people, even if it was on the phone or texts. Her face was showing surprise, a big one. That confession was not exactly the one she has ever expected.

“You... Jake...” Lottie whispered, trying to find right words to say.

“I love you, Lottie.”