#im sorry i did not feel like doing uni things and i got tried of academic writing

[tchaikovskym]

are you tired most of the time? is it hard to wake up in the mornings? is it hard to fall asleep at night? do you crave sweets and fats? are you getting depressed and anxious? is life stressful?

well, let me tell you about my scientific obsession of a few years: cortisol, which i assume, could be in the center of it all

cortisol is just your casual stress hormone, hanging around

but it has a wonderful daily pattern

as you can see this guy goes from 1 to 400 during the night to peak at 8am (in this graph), but in reality peaks like 30 minutes after you wake up, depending on your sleeping pattern. it does not follow the clock everyone is supposed to follow, it follows YOU, it follows your internal clock.

so, let's put the first thing together - cortisol is a stress hormone, and the peak in the morning is supposed to wake you up. stress in this case is NOT a bad stress, but rather something to make your body flowing and being ready to face the day.

so, what happens when you do not sleep?

Source: Klumpers, U. M., Veltman, D. J., van Tol, M. J., Kloet, R. W., Boellaard, R., Lammertsma, A. A., & Hoogendijk, W. J. (2015). Neurophysiological effects of sleep deprivation in healthy adults, a pilot study. PloS one, 10(1), e0116906.

Image annotation from the source: Individual saliva cortisol curves (grey line) and cortisol mean value (nmol/L) per Tx sampling point (solid line). Day 1 shows baseline cortisol sampling at T1-T7, day 2 shows effects of one night of total sleep deprivation on cortisol levels at T8-T14. T1, 2 and 3 comprise the cortisol awakening response (CAR). T8, 9 and 10 are sampled at identical time points the following day. T5 and T12 are sampled at 14.00hr, T6 and T13 at 17.00hr and T7 and T14 at 23.00hr. p values show effects of TSD, # p = 0.016.

The pic above shows the same cortisol levels in day 1 (control) and day 2 (after not sleeping one night).

As you can see, there is no peak. It's just a flat line. This means, no sleep gives you no awakening response, and it also applies to less sleep. The less you sleep, the lesser the awakening the response, the more tired you may feel during the day.

And you might say "oh but it feels the same when i sleep 10 hours or 4 hours so what's the difference". That's because you've luckily got to wake up in a point where your sleep phase is the lighter. How do you feel thorough the whole day? And if it is still the same, regardless of sleeping hours, for how long have you been not sleeping enough? There is such a thing as sleep debt, and if you're in it, you won't feel any better until you get that debt off.

The no morning peak happens because cortisol is produced during REM sleep (rapid eye movement sleep or the phase known for dreaming, although you can dream in other phases too). REM sleep also has this thing, where the phase gets longer and longer the more you sleep. So if you sleep less, the REM phase total length is going to be less, so less cortisol for the morning peak. This is why bad sleep quality (like waking up every once and then and not being able to sleep for long uninterrupted periods of time) also can do the same thing. Sleep duration is one of the main players, but it's not the only one.

Anyway, back to the point. Less sleep, harder to wake up, logical, right, you didn't need a cortisol graph for that.

However, notice how in day 1 the 6 and 7 time points is pretty much a straight line, like cortisol just reached the minimal level at the 6th time point. If you look at day 2, at time points 13 and 14, the slope is bigger, right?

You might think that's ridiculous, there is such a tiny slope difference between last two points in day 1 and day 2, that it shouldn't matter

BUT IT DOES!

Cortisol production, like many other things in our body work by negative feedback mechanism. Which means, when there is a lot of it, the brains get the "guys there is a lot of cortisol we should stop". But with sleep deprivation, there is not a lot of cortisol, and the brains don't get that signal, therefore, in the evening, the levels are a bit higher than they should be.

And what does having a bit higher levels of stress hormone, the be awake and alert hormone means in the evening? Guess what? You won't be able to fall asleep so easily!

So, the first vicious cycle involving cortisol regarding the information above: the less you sleep, the less you will be able to sleep.

But that leads to another thing: stress! Cortisol, the stress hormone, obviously, leads to stress. And the more you stress, the more cortisol, the higher the evening levels of cortisol. Which messes up your sleep cycle even more.

So voila, the first vicious cycle, visualized:

but it's not the end of it! oh boy it is not!

what comes with stress? eating problems!

how elevated cortisol in the evening plays a role in this? well, cortisol belongs to the glucocorticoid group. gluco sounds familiar, right, something to do with glucose right?

it makes more glucose available to the brain (which explains why it starts it peak during sleeping hours - while asleep we do not eat, but our brains are doing their thing, and thus cortisol skyrockets).

not only in the brain, but mostly everywhere, cortisol increases the glucose availability for tissues.

so cortisol makes the sugar be in your blood, but how else, besides the metabolism, can it make you get the sugar? by eating sweets of course! so you crave sugary foods!

you know what also promotes glucose in the blood? NOT insulin! so what cortisol does? blocks the thing. you know what insulin resistance and elevated glucose can do to a guy? make the guy diabetic!

also remember you are stressed, sleepy, crave sweets in elevated cortisol event, so you are less likely to have motivation for anything, including sports, so you are less likely to move, and more likely to gain some weight. and oh, how that makes it even more stressful, so voila, you add fuel to the vicious cycle

visualization here:

of course, there are other things involved, and the grand conclusion could be this:

Source: Hirotsu, C., Tufik, S., & Andersen, M. L. (2015). Interactions between sleep, stress, and metabolism: From physiological to pathological conditions. Sleep Science, 8(3), 143-152.

what can you do to get out of the cycle?

idk honestly. i'd suggest eating breakfast, because cortisol also spikes after meals (idk exactly why) and it can boost your morning cortisol levels to make the slope more pronounced (thus making the evening levels lower)

but most importantly - move. do something physical. there are mechanisms involved, trust me, i just don't want to write another post about them, but it actually helps. it doesn't mean you have to go to the gym and join a sports team, it could mean just taking long walks, maybe search some beginner yoga or whatever. just move around.

here is a pic of individual factors that play a role in this:

and while you can't really change your genetics, disorders, mental distress and most medication use, you can work on unhealthy lifestyle and intoxications

Source of the pic: Van der Valk, E. S., Savas, M., & van Rossum, E. F. (2018). Stress and obesity: are there more susceptible individuals?. Current obesity reports, 7, 193-203.

Image annotation from the source: Conceptual model of the interplay between the stress system and obesity. Various individual characteristics are proposed to play a role in initiating a vicious circle of increased activation of the stress system (both by perceived chronic stress as well as increased net glucocorticoid effect by either endogenous or exogenous GCs) and obesity in a bidirectional manner. Abbreviations: GC, glucocorticoid; SNP, single nucleotide polymorphism; OSA, obstructive sleep apnea

if you read this all i am open to marriage proposals, thank you

[aita-blorbos]

(tma oc ask content warning for canon typical levels of buried fuckery)

am i the asshole for driving away my friend?

hey reddit . im posting from a throwaway bc i dont want people connecting this to my work (though i doubt youve heard of me anyways) but i think i messed up terribly and i want to know if this is something i can still fix

also sidenote sorry if my grammar or punctuation or word choice or anything of that sort are poor. i have not been sleeping well for some time

i (19m) am a video game developer. its been my passion for years now and i am currently in uni studying computer games development and programming and level design . although i have considered dropping out but thats a point for later . i post on itch io and such and sometimes i make flash games but idk if anyone reading this has played a single one

its been a bit of a hard time for me, if im being honest. i really like games and i really liked making them but i dont think im very good at programming or art or level design or any of the other things that go into the process of making a game . at least a profitable and fun one .

so i ended up coming to this computer science study group in the hopes maybe someone could teach me to be better at programming. and i met this girl. i dont know exactly how old she is, but i want to say she was maybe two or three years ahead of me in her schooling, so probably about 22. anyways lets call her E

E was studying pure computer science and wanted to do it at a high level . so of course she was pretty good at helping me with my really rudimentary programming stuff . and she was friendly and funny and we liked hanging out so we ended up being good friends . she actually complimented my games, once i got them to function, and said my pixel art was cute . my point is we were close . maybe we wouldn’t have been so close if we had anyone else, but i was still new and she was pretty lonely .

really shortly after i met her though i started having fucked up dreams. ok that’s not entirely accurate because i had been having fucked up dreams on occasion for a while . but they got worse and she showed up in them. it was all me locking her in stairwells hitting her over the head and piling earth over her body filling her mouth with mud and cement. terrible things

so i stopped sleeping. i tried not to at least. im pretty sure most uni kids pull all nighters. i know i did even when i was younger. but i wasnt studying for exams or whatever. i was just trying and trying to force myself awake and i started to lose it a bit. my grip on things. it felt like i was sleepwalking through classes and even like i was dreaming when i was awake. id nod off for a moment in a lecture and id feel dirt caked on my hands under my fingernails. and no matter how much i scrubbed and how much i knew with my eyes it wasnt there it just. refused to come off . and it felt like her blood

i don’t remember how we got on the topic but i remember she told me how she always worried a little bit about being trapped . like claustrophobia of a flavor that shows itself in locked doors and thick walls and collapsing underground stations. that made me feel even more odd about the whole thing . of course i felt awful about hurting her but that part of it was like a joke i didn’t get

and then weirdly enough i got really into nineties 3D games. they have these skyboxes that make it really obvious they’re not actually infinite . and i thought that was kind of interesting in context. like the whole world is a box you’re in so why worry so much about if the stairwell door will lock behind you

i kind of started thinking that was something i would like to replicate with my art . like if i put all my issues into one game they would be out of my brain and gone . maybe it could even be pleasant without the whole preying on my friends terror thing

so now we get to the part of the story where i fear i really really messed up . i made this game . and honestly i dont remember the development very well . sleep deprivation is a dreadful thing . i remember again and again while i was making it kind of coming to my senses not knowing where i was and finding massive parts of the game that i didnt remember making at all.

it was set in a stairwell but i dont remember buying or making the models for the door . there was a really weird kind of way the game functioned with an infinite path going up but how that functioned i couldnt tell you . and i dont remember composing the audio or where i might have downloaded it from except that i never liked to listen to it for very long . i dont know why i kept it in the game

i always showed my games to E but i really wanted her to see this one in particular. so she came by my flat and played it and then i remember she just glared at me . there was something to the look she gave me . it was like she was completely horrified and was trying to pretend she was just angry instead

she hasnt spoken to me since . and i think i fucked up . i knew it was playing at her issues and i think maybe i even made it at least subconsciously to pry at them. like the same part of me with dirt under my fingernails was also sitting there typing away on that keyboard .

but at the same time its just a game . and im better at programming now too . like something just clicked there

honestly though development lately has been weird. its been hard trying to go back to the old sort of pixel art platformers and shoot em ups and that kind of thing i used to make. every time i open any program its like im just staring at it and imagining skyboxes. putting it all in a box imprisoning every world i make that kind of thing. like i said earlier ive been considering dropping out. but i dont know. i think id need to sleep on it

i still have weird fucked up dreams but E isnt in them anymore . i dont know where shes gone . i think maybe my idea worked somehow and i did transfer all that shit to my art . and then that just all went right to her . but i dont know if i like that idea or hate it

anyways reddit am i the asshole?

[bratshaws]

through the hourglass 2. brb x oc

a/n: cHAPTER 2 and im still a bit....nervous! But im getting better. I really am open for feedback! ;0; so if u guys wanna comment or anything pls do. also put the title in lower case because it was bothering me so much.

pairing: plus size!oc x rooster

warnings: fluff, self doubt issues even after marriage? you bet, Rooster loving Bea so much it drives me crazy

goodness gracious (pls read this one to know more what this fic is about!!)

chapter

1/

(pls let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!! OR REMOVED! i just kept you guys cause you wanted to be in GG so >- > IDK IM SORRY)

taglist: @mirandastuckinthe80s @roosterschanelslut @wiipes @lcahwriter @shrimping-for-all @gretagerwigsmuse @frenchtoastix

@lizzie-rdj @fanboyluvr @atarmychick007 @comebacktoearthpls

@peachiicherries @mak-32 @lizziespidiepridie @roosterswifey @ollyoxenfrees @piceous21 @sqrlgrl22 @hofficoffi @lexhalstead3 @lorilane33 @legendarydreamersharkparty @luckyladycreator2

@emilybradshaw @j-6o @louisahale @leobabbyyy @kulicny @winter-run @ktjmac @graciereads @bigpoppajes @taytaylala12

-

Besides her uncle's sudden call, Beatrice wasn’t too worried, maybe it’d be fun! Even if she just now found out her uncle had a boat and wondered how the hell he managed that without her aunt being against it.  Thankfully she wouldn’t worry about that yet since there were still many things Rooster should see.

And on the subject of Rooster, he looked so good, hard of him not to honestly, but that tight shirt was making more than her head turn. She could see people looking his way, he was taller than most of the people on the street and that does call people's attention a lot more.

A group of women walked past the two only to turn their heads back to her husband, one of the women even lowered her sunglasses to have a better look before noticing Beatrice looking at her. She wasn't mad, in fact she looked almost amused by the situation, clenching Rooster's hand a little bit tighter while stepping closer to him.

She didn’t have to be territorial because Rooster never gave her reason to be jealous of him…but it did make her feel good seeing those ladies speeding up their step when they noticed her looking towards them. Bradley looks down at her to see her head tilted back, which in turn makes him look too but he only sees the very few passerby, arching one eyebrow in question “Did something happen?”

Beatrice snaps her eyes up to him in surprise “Huh?” He arches his bro higher “Oh uh no, no, nothing happened.” She offers him a shrug “ I just thought I saw something.”

He hums, not believing her but also not wanting to break that smug little look on her face, so he just let her go with it. They’ve been walking for a while, Beatrice explaining certain areas to him and leading him along, her smaller hand nestled against his with the cold of her wedding ring in his palm.

He rubs the side of her hand, smiling down at her as she explains how in the street they just walked past was where her uncle and aunt used to live in “There was a gelato place there and a bakery too. And down there was a record store too, I remember Guillermo got his Jimi Hendrix record there too, for like…fourteen euros?” 

“I didn’t know Guillermo liked rock? I thought that was more of a Michael thing.”

“Don’t let my brother’s absolute neutral face fool you, Roos. Guillermo was a metal head much like Michael and Leo are. He just…tries to play he's not.” She shrugs, interlacing their fingers “He used to play guitar, I have no idea he still has it. It was a Gibson I think.”

Rooster arches his eyebrows when she says it, then smiles in disbelief “You’d never think that looking at him honestly.” He pauses for a second “I used to play guitar,” that calls her attention, turning her head up at him “Back at uni. I couldn’t take a piano so a guitar was a lot better.” 

Was she surprised her husband played more than one instrument? Yes. Was she surprised he was incredibly talented? No. “You never told me you played the guitar.” She says sweetly, her eyes widening behind her sunglasses “That’s…” really attractive “That’s really cool. Maybe we should give you a guitar for Christmas.”

Rooster chuckles, leaning down to kiss her forehead “You are too cute, but I wouldn’t complain if I got one. I could serenade you every day like that.” Beatrice’s cheeks turn red over his words, dropping her eyes from his shyly and then pressing her face against his bicep because she couldn’t hide it anywhere else. 

He smiles again before kissing the top of her head, the only thing he could see since she was hiding her face from him, “I swear you couldn’t be cuter and yet you prove me wrong every time.”

Her muffled yet whined “Stooop!” Just makes him even more amused, her head eventually lifting from where it was pressed against his arm to give him a little smile with her face still beet red “You have to stop making me blush.”

“ I did say it’s my favorite pastime, didn’t I gorgeous?” He drops his sunglasses just enough to show his eyes, giving her a wink “There’s something about making my girl blush that just pleases me.”

Beatrice smiled more, cupping his cheeks in her hands to give him a sweet kiss, the very first one since they got to Sicily. She pulls back with a smack, rubbing her thumbs over his cheekbones with her cheeks flexing in a smile “I can take that…so, are you hungry?”

“Well it is,”he checks his watch “Almost lunchtime.”

“While I like the idea of having lunch at a restaurant…I think we should have arancinis.” He looks at her in question “Fried balls of risotto rice mixed with meat and cheese and you can get ones about the size of my fist! And if I’m right, there’s a lady that sells it close by, hopefully she’s still there.” The lady was already older when Beatrice was younger, so, maybe it was someone else instead? 

Palermo, now that it was closer to lunchtime, was a lot more lively and filled with people walking around, the Italian cacophony hitting their ears as they walked through the crowd.  The lady was still there! With her granddaughter, but she was still there and the arancinis were still looking delicious.

Beatrice was so excited she couldn’t even stop herself when she handed Rooster his, quickly snatching a bite of her own as they tried to find a place to sit. They got to a piazza with a small fountain, sitting on a bench with Beatrice sighing happily with her eyes closed “I think this has to be the best thing ever.” She says while leaning on her hand. 

Her husband was still looking at the fried ball with his eyes wide, it was indeed a big fist of fried dough and crunchiness that he was still figuring out how to bite it “This is huge.” And it smelled great. 

Beatrice giggles while chewing, “Right?”she says after swallowing “You’ll love it, it’s so great, Roos.”

“Oh I know I will, I just don’t know where to bite first.” It was perfectly round, he had never seen something so shaped like an actual ball before. She just watched her husband, her Lieutenant husband who flew high up in the air for god knows how long, analyzing how to bite an arancini without spilling everything.

He was so precious.

“Roos.” She whispers, scooting closer “You just have to take a bite, it’s not going to explode everywhere.”

Bradley just gives her a look by the corner of his eye, almost as if he wanted to make sure she was serious before he does bite, making a sound of surprise when the cheese just stretches,stretches and stretches until he had to rip it off with his finger, slurping it up like a noodle. Beatrice keeps her eyes on him, waiting for his reaction and when he finally says something it doesn’t disappoint “Holy shit.”

“Right?? Right?”

“Bea this is fucking delicious, I’ve never had anything like that,”he says after licking his fingers “And I’m from Virginia we do have a variety of fried stuff. “ his constant compliments went from sweet to vulgar in the same breath, and that’s how she knew she got him hooked. 

The bench they were sitting on made it easier to people watch, Beatrice took another bite of the sinfully delicious fried ball as she took notice of the people walking by. Her eyes immediately stopped at a family of three and their dog, the little baby in the mother’s arms wiggling and giggling at nothing, just like babies did, before they turned their head to Beatrice.

Her own smile softened at the baby’s gummy grin, before the family rounded a corner and disappeared from their view. With the family gone, the thought of a child, their child returned. Not that it ever left in all honesty, ever since they talked about it Beatrice couldn’t stop having it in her mind.

A mini Rooster or even a mini Bea was quite an adorable idea. But she didn’t want to bring it up in honeymoon quite yet, in fact she didn’t think it’d be a good idea if she did. She knew Rooster wanted a baby as well, but maybe saying that now wouldn’t be a good idea at all. So she just chewed her arancini in silence, but with a tiny smile on her face.

-

“Well. No beach today.” Soon after she says it, thunder rumbles above, making her flinch and immediately step back from the glass doors, the heavy raindrops hitting the glass like bullets. After their lunch they wandered around some more until they noticed the large gray clouds forming above their heads, it was almost incredible how minutes before the sky was bright blue and birds were chirping.

Now it looked like the watery apocalypse had begun. It was raining so bad she couldn’t see the outside besides the blurred shapes of the buildings and the lights that turned on automatically as soon as the sky got dark. “It’s okay, Bea, we’ll have tomorrow.”

She turned to see him stretched on the large comfortable bed, his hands interlaced on top of his stomach and he looked like a cat that just had fresh cream…or maybe a rooster who just had fresh arancini. He looked so relaxed and happy, his little smile and the way he was blinking hard to keep himself awake was endearing. “I know…but well, it is our first honeymoon day technically so, you know…”

He turns his head towards her, then stretches his arm in her direction “Baby, c’mere.” she does with a little pout, snuggling to his side as his arm drops around her shoulders to keep her close to him “It'll be fine, we have this whole week still. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

Beatrice grinned sweetly “I’m going to try, Roos.” While pressing her cheek to his chest, hearing his heartbeat and his breathing. She looks up at him when she hears his chest move more evenly, his eyes fighting hard to stay open and his head leaning into the pillow even more “Roos?”

He snaps his eyes open “Hm? What’s happening?”

Beatrice just laughs sweetly, caressing the side of his face with her smaller hand “Nothing…I was just checking on you,” the sound of rain was indeed sleep inducing, “If you want to nap a bit that’s fine.”

He laughs tiredly, rubbing his face with one of his huge hands, inhaling deeply against his palm before yawning, “I might, are you going to nap too?”

“I don’t know, maybe. I want to stay awake for a little bit longer if I’m able to.”

“Something on your mind?”

“Not really.” she replies with her cheek on the curve of his firm chest, her hand rushing to grab his and interlace their fingers, “A bit bummed it’s raining so much though,” its her soft reply followed by a quiet chuckle, so quiet he almost didn’t hear it. “I mean, I know we’ll have more days left but, you know.”

She couldn’t see it but his eyes squinted with amusement, “You just want to see my ass.” and that earned a louder laugh from his wife, one that she didn’t try to hide, one that only faltered when she tilted her head towards him, face red.

“Can you blame me? You do the same when it comes to mine.”

“I do.” he says unashamedly, “All the time.”

Beatrice just smiles more, looking up at him with her chin propped on his pec, her eyes shifting to her left hand to see her engagement and wedding rings together, “...we are married.” she whispers, rubbing the wedding band with her thumb so it turns on her ring finger, “We really are married.”

“We are,” he replies, kissing her forehead, “I couldn’t be happier, Bea.”

“Me too it’s just…” she shakes her head with a little smile, “...sometimes I feel like I’ll wake up from a dream and none of this is real. I know it is but, I…I don’t know. I know it’s real but it's just so…” she sighs, then holds her head with her hands, looking away from him, “...I’m sorry,I don’t know what came over me.” She didn’t want to bring stuff like that during their honeymoon, with the weight of her rings on her finger, with how happy she truly was.

Rooster’s hand stops the up and down movement of his fingers along her spine, pausing right on top of her tailbone, with his eyes on her profile, “Baby,” he calls softly, seeing that her mind was already being too loud for his liking, “It’s okay.” she still avoided his eyes, choosing to look at the raindrops sliding down the glass panes, “Bea, angel, look at me.” It takes some time but she eventually turns her head to him, “You keep thinking I’m too good for you.”

Beatrice widened her eyes, her face flaming up, ‘...sometimes I guess. I know,I know it’s dumb but…” she groans,hitting her forehead repeatedly on her palms, “Sometimes I get thought like this and it fucks me up because it’s not true. But I’ve heard it so often in my life that,I-I-I just get them and I hate it, Roos. I really do. And it sucks because I don’t like feeling like this. It makes me feel…really lost.’

His eyebrows lower when she says it, then he grabs her by the waist to drag her to lie on top of him, tucking the strands of brown hair that fell from the bun, cupping her cheek while dragging his thumb underneath her eye, “Baby, it’s okay. Remember when I said your brain can say a lot of dumb shit?”

“...yeah…”

“Look,” he adjusts himself to drape her fully over his body, “I’m happy with you, you are happy with me. I’m not mad at you, I’m not. I know how hard these thoughts can haunt you. Sometimes I do get the same way.” she furrowed her eyebrows at him and he laughed softly, looking to the side, “I do, you have no idea how amazing you are. And you are just…this bright light, Bea, this bright shining light that pulled me in.”

Beatrice smiles sweetly, leaning on his hand with her eyes closed, “Baby,this is a new rodeo for both of us.” he laughs quietly, still caressing her cheek, “We are…in a complete new territory, completely blank on what to do and, you know…it’ll be hard but it won’t be impossible.”

Both of them had their demons to deal with, he knew that. He knew it was going to be something they will have to work with over time, and he knew that Beatrice would blame herself for having said thoughts, but he knew it wasn’t something it could be so easily resolved.

Boy, didn’t he know about it.

“So, here’s my deal with this. How about,” he begins, “I get us some of that gelato downstairs at the lobby so we can have a sweet treat and get our minds out of things?”

Beatrice laughs sweetly, “Okay,I will–”

“No,no, no you can stay.” he grins, kissing the tip of her nose, “I’ll bring you some, I need something sweet anyway.” 

Beatrice smiles while sitting on the bed, but nods at him. Rooster makes his way to the door, then turns around and kisses her lips slowly, just enough to make the brunette almost forget how to breathe, “Just so you remember this isn’t a dream.” he mutters against her lips, pecking one last time before he finally leaves the room.

Bradley steps out on the long hallway, shutting the door behind himself as he makes the way to the elevators, not surprised to see the hallways are completely empty considering how hard it’s been raining since early afternoon. He stepped inside the elevator while rubbing his face trying his best to keep himself awake, pressing the button to the lobby and watching the numbers go down.

In the meantime, he was reminded of Beatrice’s words. The fact she still had thoughts about him being more than she could ever deserve broke his heart, they were much less than before but it makes him angry how bad Beatrice’s romantic life was. She didn’t deserve to feel less, she didn’t deserve to feel like she couldn’t have him.

She did deserve him and as much as he had a hard time admitting himself, he deserved her too. They were both two grown adults with enough trauma to fill a pool he thought, with a little laugh, but he wanted them to work on everything together. They just got married, they had a house, they are planning on having kids soon  - something that still made him anxious yet excited at the same time - , they both needed to understand they both deserved this.

He didn’t want to tell her how often he caught himself asking how he managed to get her because he didn’t want her to get worried.  Beatrice, to him, was a wonder. She truly was one of a kind, he had never met anyone as kind and as selfless as she was, as sweet and as absolutely unaware of how sexy she could be sometimes.

Bradley is smiling when he reaches the gelato fridge, moving his eyes quickly until he finds the ones he was looking for: hazelnut chocolate and forest berries. He tosses them in the air and catches them before they land on the floor - after paying for it of course - and walks over to the elevator again. This time a group of women is walking past him, but he’s too busy checking the gelatos’ brand to pay attention, only looking up again when he’s inside the elevator.

The women were still staring, their eyes immediately dropping to the obvious wedding band on his ring finger as he holds both cups in one hand and presses the elevator’s button with his other, digging it into his pocket once he’s done. He notices the women looking and gives them a polite smile before the door closes.

They were pretty, but they weren’t Beatrice.

And he was more than happy when he got back and saw his wife fixing her dress’ strap as it slid down her shoulder, looking at him with surprise when he entered, “You found it?” she asks sweetly, still trying to keep the strap in the same spot, “God dang it.”

“What’s the matter?” he asks while putting the gelatos away on the desk by the corner of the room but his eyes still drop to the bare curve of her shoulder.

“I think I probably ripped a thread that kept the strap a bit tighter, it keeps falling off.” she huffs, standing up from the bed to the bathroom, “I’ll just have a quick look.”

Rooster immediately placed the gelatos inside the mini freezer and followed her to the bathroom, deciding that maybe he should focus on something else. He stops by the doorframe, where he sees Beatrice wearing only her undergarments - light blue lace this time, almost as if she wanted to match with her dress, God. - while narrowing her eyes to the dress strap, “Oh I think I can fix this,” she whispers, almost triumphantly, not seeing Rooster’s tall form sneak behind her, “I have a mini sewing kit–!” she squeaks in surprise when his strong arms wrap around her waist and his chin is nestled on the curve of her shoulder, “Roos.”

He just smiles, looking at their reflection and how the way his arms wrapped around her waist pushed her breasts higher and closer together, “I can’t help myself.” he whispers, kissing the curve of her jawline and then nuzzling her neck, which makes Beatrice’s lips curl into a shy smile, hands still holding onto the dress, bringing it up to her chest.

Rooster then props his chin on her shoulder again, “You are so beautiful.” Beatrice drops her head with the same shy smile, focusing on the dress’ pattern with her face a bright red, “How can you be this beautiful?”

“Roos.” she whispers sweetly, looking at him by the corner of her eye, “You are still making me blush.”

“I know.” he whispers back, meeting her lips in a sweet kiss, “I told you it’s my favorite thing to do.” Beatrice giggles against his mouth, pecking him repeatedly and giggling even more when he pulls her closer to his chest, “I got us our desserts.”

“Yeah?”she smiles, “Let me just get dre–”

“You can stay like this.”

“Get dressed.” she emphasizes with an amused grin, “And I’ll meet you outside, I can fix the strap after.” the sound of thunder from outside makes the two of them look up in surprise, “It’ll probably rain the whole night.”

“Yeah. But it’s fine,if it gets lighter we can get an umbrella from the hotel.” She nods after he suggests it, then gives him a look when his arms don’t move from around her, “What? Oh.” he slowly, almost too slow, removes his arms from her waist, “Sorry ma’am, I’m going to let you get dressed now,” he turns to leave, but not before slapping her ass cheek, enough to make the flesh bounce under the impact, “I mean, do you really need to get dressed?”

“Bradley Nicholas.”

He holds his hands up in defense, still looking at her bare butt with his lips pursed, “Just a suggestion, baby. No ill intent towards it.” but his head remains tilted, watching the perfect red hand print form on her pale cheek until she closes the bathroom door.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

Hi, I keep coming back, but I got another song for you!! Life After Salem by Lil Nas X is so Jay to Alex, but you can even squeeze some Tim in there too!!

NEW SONG WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Okay you know the drill, shitty lyric analysis under the thingy so its all neat and tidy before BAM me spewing a bunch of bullshit about my favorite lil guys. Also this one goes off the rails cos i just finished it with a massive fuck off migraine, so it starts out all detailed then becomes "yes song good good" pretty much lol

You're so right tho, this song is so Jay and Alex.

All of my feelings are gone I left 'em all on the floor Man, who's to blame if you don't love me no more? No, I don't mind, just take whatever you want

Shocker, Alex and Jay singing a duet.

To me the first two lines would be sung by Jay about him hiding his feelings for Alex back in college/uni, pretending he didn't like him or want to be in a relationship with him (beyond just their FWB relationship), pretending he wasn't in love with Alex for years despite knowing that he absolutely was. Probably those lines would be sung by Jay to Alex about their time in College, explaining what he tried to do with his feelings: "I left 'em all on the floor". Those lines would also probably be sung, like, after Alex has said all those nasty things to Jay in the kitchen? Somewhere around then. This is like a song for if they ever actually fucking talked to each other properly lmao.

The next line would be Alex's response, a sort of manipulative way of saying he understands why Jay doesn't trust him anymore, that he understands what he did and why it was cruel. But in that kinda "oh woe is me I'm just the worst" kinda way, yknow? Trying to make Jay go "no, you're not the worst, you're not evil, you just didn't think it's okay!" and give Alex another chance. There'd definitely be a certain level of sincerity as well though, because Alex really does realize that he was pretty damn shitty to Jay. He wants Jay not to love him anymore. He needs Jay not to love him anymore.

Then the last line is kinda both of them, but in different ways, like they'd sing it together but with completely different tones and it'd be so obvious that they're talking about different things. For Jay "No, I don't mind, just take whatever you want" is about how Alex just kinda took and took and took from him throughout their relationship, but it'd also be a kinda, like, good tone? Like Jay's convinced himself that he genuinely doesn't mind how much Alex has taken from him, he kind of likes the fact that he could give Alex that control over him etc? For Alex "No, I don't mind, just take whatever you want" would be a lot more bitter, he feels like Jay is the unreasonable one who just keep's taking, because he's taken Alex's heart (lmao cringe) and Alex was not ready to give it away to him.

Why don't you just take what you want from me? I think you should take what you want and leave Why don't you just take what you want from me? I think you should take what you want and leave

Alex. He wants Jay to have basically everything he's wanted out of their relationship just before he leaves and Alex makes sure that they don't see each other again. Jay gets to kiss Alex, they have sex in a bed, Jay sleeps over, they have breakfast together, etc.

(It is another day now and I have a headache. Thinking is hard, the rest of this is probably gonna be a mess im sorry lol.)

What you want from me? Yeah What you want from me? Yeah

Then just Jay not really knowing why Alex has changed and why he's doing all these nice things for him, so he's just sitting there trying to figure out what Alex wants from him in return for all these nice things. (the answer to that being: alex wants him heartbroken enough to save himself)

Get yourself an Adderall Then throw me up against the wall And kick me when I have to crawl Ooh, I love it when you show no love at all You know I can be your part-time lover Our scars, they'll dance with each other I can be your part-time lover Our scars, they'll dance with each other

Okay, hear me out, this bit's about their dynamic, shocker... even tho it makes it sound a lot more toxic and abusive than it actually was. They were both mostly happy with the dynamic and neither were trying to hurt each other. They just both kinda wanted it to be a romantic relationship when it wasn't, but Alex was scared of that, and Jay wasn't gonna push it for fear of losing what he already had so far. And he'd rather have that than nothing.

"Ooh, I love it when you show no love at all" at first i thought this bit would be Jay, but now that i think about it, it's Alex to me. He liked it when Jay didn't show him any love back in college, because it made it easier to ignore his own feelings for him.

Why don't you just take what you want from me? I think you should take what you want and leave Why don't you just take what you want from me? I think you should take what you want and leave

What you want from me? Yeah What you want from me? Yeah

You're changin' You're changin' every day You played me I let you win again You're changin' You're changin' every day And you're takin' You're takin' everything

They are in fact changing, yup. Probably Jay talking about Alex, Alex changed up their usual dynamic when they got back to his house, then it turned out that all the niceness was just a way to break Jay's heart even worse. He just got his feelings played with, and he didn't really do anything to stop it, because he liked how Alex was treating him too much. Which like, fair.

[inn-oceanid]

“ you fell in love with him, in summer, in northern italy.

Man, here we go again. Languages I cannot understand.

\ xingqiu x fem!reader ;; oneshot.

“Sir, please. I’m telling you, I did not steal anything, I was just taking photographs--” i tried explaining, although i knew it meant nothing but total waste of time. the man started to say some things again and kept on pointing at the table, to me, to my camera, back to the table, back to me. seriously, this is so stupid, get me out of here already.

“I’m sorry but, can I ask what’s happening here?” suddenly, a male voice spoke, behind me but not so close. my hand held onto the strap of my shoulder bag tightly before turning my body to face whoever spoke English just now.

it was male who had the shade of turquoise, his hair looked unevenly cut, he had amber eyes.

“I clearly do not know..” i replied honestly. and it was true, i had no idea about what this waiter is saying.

" mi scusi signore? posso chiederle cosa sta succedendo qui?(excuse me sir? may i ask what is happening here?)” the male then started to converse with the old man who kept on pointing at me.

i sighed, i felt so tired after dealing with this employee. i had been staying in italy for three days now, I had a project of taking photographs in this place, after four more days, i’ll go back to my country and pass the assigned photographs I took. but i havent taken any, in those three days. every ones I took are nothing but a major flop.

i took a seat behind the two who were talking and just waited not patiently, but not impatient either.

if i dont take pictures, I’ll fail this time. again.

“grazie, signore.” the turquoise headed male said and the waiter finally left. i eyed on the waiter who annoyed my brain until he completely disappear from my sight.

“was told you were taking photographs of their dish without consent.” the male then faced me, as he hugged a book on his side with one arm.

i furrowed my eyebrows and pouted slightly, “I wasn’t. i was just taking picture of a plant with this.. this fancy chair.” i pointed at the chair i was sitting on. there were many more identical ones around.

the male chuckled, “figured.”

“im so glad you came and spoke English first..” i dramatically exhaled, placing a hand on my chest, showing relief.

“it’s a very much good coincidence that I decided to walk here instead of a different path my friend had went. if not, you’re probably still trying to deffend yourself blindly.”

i nodded at his statement, agreeing completely. thanks to him, im finally free from annoyance.

“kind of weird thing to ask since we’re completely strangers at the moment but, where are you heading now? surely you’re a foreigner, do you have a place?” he then asked?

“i do have a place, im just staying here for a week to take photos for uni things. and now that you’ve asked where im heading now, i actually dont know.” i cant speak italian so I cant be all careless and go places in a country im not aware of, something worse might happen!

“photography, i see. how interesting. i know some places that’s worth taking pictures for, would you like me to take you there? it will surely help you with your work. what about tomorrow?” 

“really?” i feel like i almost squeeled, but its such a huge help if he does know  good place! “oh my, thank you very much! i’ll gladly come!”

“alright then, tomorrow it is..” he then grabbed a sticky note and a pen from his vest, he began scribbling, “how does 9am sounds?”

“no problem to me!” 

“got you, 9 am. at this restaurant, alright?” “ーalright!!”

“could I ask for your name?”

“[name].” 

“nice to meet you, I’m Xingqiu. glad i could help you with these, however it might be not much of a deal, but im still glad.” Xingqiu then held out his hand. and without hesitation, I shook it, firmly enough.

“im the one who’s really glad, you know? you saved me from that annoying situation i got myself in, and this place you’ll be sharing with me tomorrow. thats so much to do for such a stranger.” i was honest again.

Xingqiu tucked some strands of his hair behind his ear, letting out a shy laugh, “too much compliments for today..”

in my remaining three days in italy, xingqiu had took me to places that’s so beautifully mesmerizing. he showed me foods like italian pizzas, olive recipes, dishes, sorts of wine, many. 

in those days, i found myself liking his company a little too much than I should.

he took me to Cagliari today so that I could take pictures of houses. houses that i cant describe fully, but it was eye catching. earlier, he then suggested to see the seaside with me since the sun was about to set and I of course agreed.

the two of us walked slowly but not slow, maybe a normal pace that felt slow as we, or I tried to enjoy this moment beside each others quietly as we scanned the view of the sea that we were slowly approaching as we took more steps. white sands.

not so long after, we finally reached the place and the white sand stood right in front of us.

xingqiu then bent over, and started to take his sandals off, “feel the sand, [name]. its warm” so i did, and took my sandals off as well and touched the rough but indeed warm surface of the sand.

his other hand that was free then grabbed the sandals that belonged to me, and held it as he continued walking. i quietly chuckled and followed him.

“today’s.. your last day? right?” he suddenly asked, but didnt look at me. instead, he looked at the sand as he took steps forward.

my eyes looked at him, then the sand, then the reflection of the sun on the sea water, “yeah.. last indeed.”

“Hm..” he nodded in return. quiet, i thought.

“what did you enjoy here in italy? or, what is the most memorable thing for you?”

his question made me look at him. probably meeting you, I’d answer. but i lacked courage at the moment. i then started to fiddle with my fingers and thought for a different answer, hoping i could think about one right away. but my first answer, ‘him’ was the only answer repeating inside my brain.

“if you ask me, my answer will probably be when I watch you take pictures of a certain thing or view. i enjoyed, and it’s memorable for me.”

“whys that?” i asked, hoping i dont sound too embarrassed, but i wanted to continue the coversation, topic. to know what he thinks about me.

“why?” he repeated, then turned his head to me, “because time felt so slow. slow enough for me to remember every detail that happened in a day, slow enough for me to enjoy longer, to cherish.” i kept quiet.

but what he said, made me chuckle. wether if it’s a compliment or not, by the time I heard it, i knew im never getting rid or forgetting about it.

My hands then grabbed the camera that was hanging on my neck. i then brought it closer to my face and adjusted the lens, focusing it on the male who sat on the sand and observed the sun. clickling the botton, the shutter released,and captured the figure i quietly took picture of. 

[snaillamp]

1, 4 and 19! In love with your writing btw<3

Ahhh thank you!!! <3 back at ya!

1: What are your favorite whump tropes?

A list of ones I don't like would be way shorter ahaha. I'm a sucker for sickfics, fainting and hidden injury. When a big, tough stoic character is so cool, calm and collected and then bam they start sweating, fainting and being all delirious... solid stuff. Also absolutely love whumpees being knocked out if you couldnt tell from my writing. If they're unconscious I'm there.

Love a good little stabby stab too, but a fun little trope I've tried to include a couple times if the knife to the throat and drawing a teensy little bit of blood. That visual in my head is always so great and the whumperflies are insane.

I also love soft fluffy stuff, team members looking after their Leader is a solid fav and the tough character cracking and becoming the fluffiest caretaker for whumpee is where it's at!

My writing contains my favorite whump tropes, I don't really write anything I don't like cause why would I? That being said if it was requested I would try my best, some of the prompts for JOD I didn't like turned out to be my favorite stories to write (Day 27 as an example might be my favorite story I wrote from the entire month, we might need to visit Enjar again?)

I also write different tropes depending what I'm studying at the moment! I recently started ~trauma studies~ so I hope it improves my physical whump a little more. (I'm a 2nd year uni student. Transferred from nursing to paramedicine at the end of last year and I have to do first year again yayyyy...) I was doing a lot of CPR as well as assessments for illnesses last semester (cardio-respiratory, abdominal and neurological) and last year did medications, life support and wound dressings. I have to try really hard not to do the step by step of aseptic non-touch technique or describe in detail how Rescuer inserts and OPA when I write lmao.

I usually resort to "And caretaker applied the dressing and went away" instead of "Caretaker lined up the dressing and using the fold method, applying the dressing cleanly to the sterilised skin" cause thats way too specific.

Anyway, the point of that ramble is that I use it to practice for my assessments, it helps me wrap my head around concepts I'm struggling with and it's good inspiration and fun to use my free time in an effective way. Whumpee fell over and broke their leg? Snail is on the scene! Whumpee had a seizure? Snail is doing AEIOUTIPS to figure out why! I love medicine as a science, that shits cool as fuck!

I don't tend to post those ones as they are kinda long, boring and kinda personal as the Caretaker is me. It feels like writing what is effectively fanfic about myself and doesn't make me feel right, I'm not a super boastful person really. I have posted a couple Cranky Whumpee is an example of when I did a mental check of how much I remembered about wound care and what I needed to study up on (the massage was just cause I wanted a massage). It keeps me interested in my more boring skills, prevents skill erosion and is good practice for writing and medical care, my two favorite things!

**I would like to clarify however, that I have a love for whump and a love for medicine but they are too seperate things. I don't get whumperflies for my patients and dont like to imagine scenarios in whump similar to what I have done irl. I got into whump as a thing after I began studying. I did not decide to study these things because of whump. I've always had an interest in medicine and almost everyone in my family are in the medical field in some capacity.** - thank you potential employersssssssssss :)

✨we love ethics here✨

damn thats a long answer sorry for the essay :) im coverin my ass lmao

4: Do you prefer physical whump or emotional/psychological whump?

It really depends on the whumpee and what's happening. Physical whump is more fun to write, but psychological whump is a close second. Love delirium and all that jazz. Emotional isn't as much of a favorite cause I just can't get into it as much as the others, idky. I guess it just feels mean which is weird cause I happily write about people smashing Leader's ribs or whatever. Do love an emotional moment tho, fluffy emotional caretaking is the best.

maybe its cause I was a touch starved child but hugging, cuddling, being close just is nice to write about and I love giving my whumpees something nice as a treat.

19: Who are your favorite whump bloggers? Tag them!

I love this whole community but a few favs are

@allthewhumpygoodness - it says it in the name folks

@whump-or-whatever - the prompts here are so good

@hufflepuffwritingstuff2 - I love the sense of humor in their writing

and last but certainly not least: @fallenwhumpee - Surprise!

I love your work it's awesome! I think we both like similar things which is so cool. You may have noticed me scrolling your blog a few times before sorry for the spam of notifs <3

I could list more but also I would be here all day. To anyone new in the community I recommend finding a tag you like and just going at it, find stories and prompts from people and just follow them all! the whole community is lovely and talented!

other answers

[dreamyangeldoll]

hi, its the one thats scared of their femininity. im happy you understand, but im also so sorry. cause it's confusing and no one should be mocked for how they choose to present/act.

for me the sense of wrongness is very ingrained in my character, cause growning up older woman always told me if i was too "girly", no one would take me seriously.

i want to wear frilly pink dresses and have all my stuffies on display, but i dont want to be infantalized or called immature.

i didnt spend all that money on a good education to be told "girly = dumb"

im just scared of being seen for what my interests seem to sterotype, and not for who i am.

and im not completely sure this is making sense since english is not my firat language but i tried :)

First of all, english isn’t my first language either and even if it was, I wouldn’t mind any mistakes (and your english seems great anyway!!) .

Second of all, the people who told you that growing up have simply portrayed their own insecurities and fears onto you just like someone probably did with them in the past. I understand why you’re worried, other people’s opinions (or more so the fear of potential opinions) are what’s keeping me from doing a lot of things. Things like that can be a real barrier in terms of expressing yourself. I could write a whole essay on that because I completely get it but I’m gonna try to keep it as short as possible: you are not defined by what you wear (unless that’s what you want). At least not entirely because back when I went to school wearing those types of clothes, that did say one thing about me: I finally got over that one specific fear and just did what I wanted to do in that regard and that was great. So let me reword that…wearing stuff like that will not define you in any negative way?

To be fair, I had already been the very opposite of popular before I did that so maybe that’s why it was a bit easier for me…not like I had anything to lose lol. However, I should’ve done it regardless of my popularity!! You’re precious, you’re smart, you’re all the good things you wanna be and the color or style of your clothes will not change that. I know you should never do stuff for others, you’re not in this world to prove people wrong but if you’re scared that’s what they’re gonna think, might as well show them that your clothes have absolutely nothing to do with what you’re capable of. I know that’s not the perfect motivation but I just want you to be happy. When I started going to uni, I stopped wearing any sort of cutesie clothes outside, too. My style had changed a lot but I was also told that wearing that stuff to university would not look great. I was super annoyed because WHY would people care about what I wear, it’s none of their business. Lollll, I said I’d keep it short, idek where I’m going with this, I just hope you’ll figure out what would make you the happiest and will be able to do just that. <3 also, feel free to dm me (if you’re comfortable with that), I’m here for u!!

[tavtarnish]

So I was looking at soap's wiki page and it says that he visited his cousin in the SAS many times and also tried to join under aged a few times, right? Well it doesn't say why, tho. And any normal person would assume that he wanted to join so bad because of his cousin. But im not normal so I got to thinking.well even if he did join just because of that cousin, that doesn't explain why whe tried to join early. Multiple times. So obviously there is atleast another factor in this situation. And we've all established his thing for hating himself, just a bit, and he's definitely not a straight man. And well homosexual and military down exactly sound like a the most delicious martini. And I'm not exactly caught up on Scotland's ally status, nor have I found much info about his family. So what if this was his way of self punishment for being a gay man?

But, El, what if he didn't realize his sexuality until aftet he joined? Or his family was supportive? An excellent question. If it wasn't that maybe it was because he had no direction in life. Perhaps he felt lost. Academics maybe weren't his strong suit, or he burnt out at somepoint, so college (university?) Wasn't an option. Maybe his parents said either higher education or a job, right?(yes I'm heavily projecting onto this poor man, I'm sorry but you also can't stop me) In today's day and age it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a job without a college degree. And jobs like that can always be unstable or underpaid or overworked, understaffed, unnecessarily dangerous, and a multitude of other things. But the military? Well you know what you're signing up for, you really only have to do as your told and no more, and you can do alot of good. Plus he already has a cousin in there.

Or maybe its as simple as his family has/had money issued and the military gives good pay?

Also apparently I left a comment on the latest chapter of I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S and I don't remember lol. Also I promise the next part of my favorite moments is coming out. I've been very busy lately. Sorry for the long ask

I've had SO many thoughts about Soap joining the military ESPECIALLY the fact he tried to join at 16 but was refused. You are allowed to join the military at 16 with parental consent, so I've come to the conclusion that his parents wouldn't like the fact that he wanted to be in the military - this tracks considering many Scots who see them self separate from Brits aren't typically the biggest fans of joining UK collective things like the military (this is coming from my Irish bg so it could be different).

As to why he wanted to join, I think there are multiple reasons, but if his queerness is a reason I would think its less to do with punishing himself (though sometimes it may feel like a punishment being around Ghost when Soap wants him so badly) and more to do with him possibly avoiding telling his family. Scotland as a whole recently is quite up there in ally status but that 1) doesn't reflect how the 2000's/2010's were 2) doesn't mean everyone is an ally ofc. Anyway, the MacTavishes aren't homophobic in any regard but that doesn't mean Soap knows that or isn't scared (either bc he's never seen his family react to queer people irl or, if he has, he'll think he'll be an exception).

Other causes likely are due to his school career: he was a footballer, but I don't think he ever tried to go pro, and in ISBTPKFTS the backstory I've given him wouldn't allow him to (W.C status and home life). And you make a great point with burnout - if we're sticking to real rules of the army, he wouldn't be able to be medicated or have lesson plan adjustments for his ADHD if he's diagnosed (i think I read that somewhere) so he's either not diagnosed or he never had accommodations so burnout is very likely. Uni, of course, would seem like a horrible thing for him, even if he was like many ppl who go to uni for the experience or bc of the job market.

But the idea that his parents expecting him to get a job or go to uni is very real (dw I'm also projecting here) and the monotonous work/life balance sounded like hell. Knowing his cousin's life in the army definitely planted the seed, and I think (in the fic at least) he'd visit his cousin to get some free time away from home but it ends up convincing him of what he wanted to do with his life. Like you said, you know what you sign up for with the army. He probably didn't expect the RSD to follow him especially if he isn't diagnosed, or if he's not very clued up on that part of his ADHD,hence why he can't rationalise his own feelings when they start to overwhelm him

Also dont be sorry and there's no rush I love that you even want to make those posts in the first place!! Thank you

[fazkins]

This is... far more comforting than I thought it'd be. Thank you Evi for your response, as well as the person who reblogged. It feels nice to be listened to once again. But, unfortunately for everyone, I'm going to spend the next 10 minutes or so talking about my family, as suggested.

So firstly we have Elizabeth, the queen of the household. I remember her wearing a pink ballerina skirt, whatever it's called. Clara loved to dance and so Liz wanted to be like her mother, in that sense.

As for her, my wife... is it selfish if I don't want to talk about Clara that much? Is it wrong? I mean, I did love her, and she loved me. She helped me through so much, and I am very grateful, but we also used to argue a lot - the kids never liked that, neither did I. She eventually left and divorced me, and I never heard from her again after I won full custody of the children.

Evan was so young back then... He surprisingly wasn't as scared of everything and didn't cry as much. I actually don't know when or what changed for him, but maybe he just missed Mommy. ( It's a little weird for me to call him 'Evan', given that I sometimes remember his name being 'Chris'? I'm going to stick to Evan anyways, it's not like I mind all that much. )

Ah, and Michael was so jealous of him, thinking I'd forget about him or something. It was funny at first but soon turned into another worry of mine. I then came to realize that I wasn't being the father he deserved, so I tried to talk it out with him to fix things ( which didn't work, we had a horrible conversation ). The poor boy has definitely seen the worst of me. I hope he's doing okay.

And now we have 'uncle' Henry left. I've always loved Henry, not like a brother, but something else. I never got the chance to tell him, but I'm sure he could tell. Hell, I've felt like that since Uni! He must've realized, right? He better have.

Henry never lost Charlie, at least not to Death. I remember her going missing for some time but that's about it. Things start to get foggy and I don't think I can trust my memory from then on. I guess that's for the better though, there are some things I don't want to remember much about. Sorry if this got too long.

And by the way, hope you don't mind if I claim a tag for myself. Will be coming back to the blog.

—🔧💜 ( William, obviously )

your family sounds lovely ^^ im glad that you had a good relationship with them, thats always nice :] family is very important ofc

personally, i loved my canon family sooo much <3 it makes me really happy to hear about other peoples afton families because of that, even though our families are pretty different

thank you so much for sharing :D /gen feel free to stop by anytime if youd like to talk more about them, id genuinely love to hear more

-🧸💤

[nar-nia]

hi!

wow.

omg, its been so long since i spoke to you but a lot of happened in my life kinda (as well as yours from what i saw)

first of all, CONGRATULATIONS on finishing uni!!!!!!! im proud and happy for u!!! u worked hard and it paid off!! and wow, bakery?? that sounds so amazing!!!! like straight up bakery/coffee shops au!!! must be super fun and probably always smells rly good there!! i hope ure having tons of fun!!! and that ure eating lots of cake duh

for me, idk if u remember but i passed that oral exam!!! i did it in the beginning of september!! and i felt relieved and euphoric about it! and now the new semester (so my second year ) starts soon and…… i feel so anxious about going back, talking to people, all the stress and constant anxiety, and the fact that im still questioning whether this was the right thing to study and the lingering feeling that all my friends have it figured  out already with the life and im kinda stuck. like when its right u know? but idk ??

but on a more positive note? my summer was rly great overall so i hope urs was too!!!! im no longer a teenager tho 20 hits hard - especially after olivia rodrigos new album lmaoo

hee has purple hair now and he looks soooooo good!! ALSO  i read jakes and jays fics u posted and they were so nice, omg like???  :((( like made me realize how much i missed ur blog and u!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you, wishing u all the best always!!!!!!!!!!

                            -beloved anon wow it feels good to write it again!! <333

OMG HELLOOOO 🥺🥺🥺 it's been so long, i missed you so much. how are youu <333

please i'm so happy about finally finishing uni, it felt so long and annoying in the end. but now i already kinda miss it 😭

working in the bakery is.. interesting. it's definitely what i want to do in life, the other day i spent the whole workday just making cakes without anyone bothering me and i loved it so so much, but it's also hard and really stressful (which is why i am replying so late and i'm really sorry, first i got sick and then i got hit with a workload again 🥲). i have to do work that's supposed to be for like 4 other people and it's something 😶 let's manifest that they will find more workers soon because this is way too stressful for me (and my coworkers, i haven't seen them smiling in the past two weeks anymore, it's a bit scary). but enough complaining 🫡 the work itself is fun and the food is so good 🫠🫠 apart from onion cake/pie, i have to do it all myself and i swear i haven't stopped smelling like onions those past few weeks 💀

okay but now to you! CONGRATULATIONS ON PASSING YOUR EXAM 🥳🥳🥳 you did so well and i hope you're really proud of yourself 🥺🩷 and best of luck for your second year, i'm sure you will do as amazing as before 🩷

i'm sorry that you feel so nervous about it though. i have to be back in school to become a baker too now and i was so nervous on my first day, i got sick like right after 💀 and my class really is something (not necessarily positive but there are really nice people too). buuut i hope that your classmates are the nicest people you have ever met and that you will have lots of fun this year, you deserve it. and of course lots of amazing grades in your exams 🩷 i think if this bakery thing has thought me one thing is that it's okay to not know what you want yet. i think i have found my place now (although not necessarily in this bakery) but it took me a while to figure it out too. and in our bakery we have two people who tried lots of different stuff too before they settled on training there. so please try not to worry too much for now, i'm sure it will all work out well for you 🥺🩷

but i'm so glad your summer was nice <33 mine was full of job applications and moving but i still enjoyed it a lot (oh i miss the time where i could stay up all night and sleep in and not start work at 4am 💀) and happy belated birthday, omg <33 welcome to your twenties, it's a wild ride 😍

i missed you so so much too, i'm glad you liked my stories but even happier you had time to check in 🩷 but yes, hee 🫠🫠 wow. i love him (although he's not the only one anymore, can you believe?? jay has been bias wrecking me so hard i am so close to making him my second bias. that guy has me BLUSHING)

i hope you are doing well despite it all and will continue to do well 🩷 you deserve the best and you should get it. i love youuu 🩷🩷🩷

[yveni]

YVE opened discord for the first time in daysss and just saw your shrimp!!! SHRIMPTIVITIES 🦐🦐🦐 if you don’t mind me talking a lil in your inbox ehheh:

So the past week or so i was on a (barely) sm break (it IS hard) with not as much attention on focusing on my r/ship w god as i would have liked 🙃🙃 for context i was a lot more dedicated to it until halfway through last year when I had these major exams, like the results i would be needing for uni apps, and I slacked on my routine and haven’t been able to restart it since :((( I made it my New Year’s resolution to get back to it and it worked rlly well the first week! But then i fell sick and kept falling into a spiral of guilt (that I only asked Him for things like good grades or watching over my family ie a connection based on convenience) and hopelessness (cuz i started to feel like I couldnt rlly feel His presence in my life anymore) and now it’s Feb :/

but anyways recently I had this terrible fight w my parents and when I went to my room I tried to meditate a little to connect with Him but I was just too agitated and tired so I went to bed just holding my rosary (not exactly that, but the rosary equivalent in my religion) cuz I was so emotionally drained and I missed Him SO so much, and my dad came in a while later to apologise/smooth things over. this NEVERR happens and maybe it’s a coincidence but in that moment it felt like He was taking care of me again (not that He ever stopped) and I felt so so grateful and also a little terrible for ever thinking that He’d abandon me

JANDKSLLS im so so sorry this turned out so long I didn’t mean to get this emotional HEHEHE so you can ignore it if you’re not interested! I’ve just never rlly met anyone outside of my family who took religion as seriously as I did and I think i got a bit too excited shsnkdkd

anyways how have you been!! Anything fun happen recently? Did you go for the Jan 27 meetup/will you be going for any of the other ones?

-discord anon 👻

Hello !!

First of all, I do not mind getting long messages, it’s actually really touching that you think of me to talk to about stuff 🫶🏽

I think it’s great that you’re making efforts to get closer to God, cause trust me, I have felt exactly the way you described (missing Him so much it hurts and feeling distant/guilty about only asking Him for things), and I believe God responds to that. I’m not sure exactly which religion you have, but I think everyone knows I’m Christian, and lately in my bible studying, I have found so much scripture reaffirming the fact that God does see me, and I’m glad you felt reminded about that too. It’s so awesome how much He really does love us.

I hope everything is good with school and your parents and stuff !!

Oh and I did not go to the January 27 meetup, I wish I did lol but I am broke, and for the same reason I probably will not be going to any future meetups (at least for this year). Everyone had so much fun though and I had so much fun seeing all the pics and vids come in !!!!

[iwadori]

When they neglect you for another girl Part 5 (Kuroo)

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

Word count: 1.3K

Genre: angst, fluff

masterlist

You and Kuroo have been dating all throughout highschool and now your in you first year of university

It’s a bit harder to see each other because of your conflicting class schedules

But when you did see eachother kuroo has been acting a big suspicious, ‘secretly’ glancing at his phone or always needing to head out early.

And you were going to get to the bottom of this.

You were just finished with your class, and you had plans to meet your boyfriend at the library so he could tutor you for your chem test that you on Tuesday. On your way over there, you got boba for both of you and some study snacks to get you through the session.

You arrived their first, which you didn’t really mind as Kuroo was usually a bit late to your study sessions (especially recently with his dodgy behaviour.) You decided to go over your recent class notes as you were waiting, which was pretty useless as you didn’t understand anything.  

You actually met Kuroo bonding over chemistry, since it definitely wasn’t your best subject so in your first year your chem teacher suggested getting a tutor and recommend Kuroo Testuro the self proclaimed best ‘chemist’ in the school.

It’s been half an hour and Kuroo hadn’t shown up, you were about to call him until you saw a quite disheveled looking Kuroo who is heaving out of breath.

“Tetsu, what happened to you?” you exclaim with amusement.

“Umm I kind of got in a fight?” he said questioning himself “well not really a fight but a disagreement.”

“A fight? With who?” you said a bit too loudly, as the librarian gave you an obnoxious ‘shusshhhh’ glaring at you.

“It doesn’t matter babe.” he said nonchalantly “I see you have your electrolysis work out, why don’t we get started.”

“But what abo-”

“So what is positive, the anode or the cathode?” he asked distracting you from asking him about what happened.

You spent two hours going over all the topics that were going to come up on your exam, and you can’t lie and say Kuroo didn’t help you. However, you weren’t as focused as you were wondering what happened to him.

After your study session, you both went to your dorms. Sadly, you couldn’t share a room since your University didn’t allow co-ed dorms (and maybe if you did live together, you’d be able to understand his odd behaviour.)

Even though he was still in highschool, every Friday afterschool you and Kenma made sure to spend atleast an hour playing a game online together, and today it was minecraft.

“Kenma help, theres a creeper outside my door!” you screech frantically running around on game.

“One second Y/N” he murrmed

“Kenma, do you know what’s going on with Kuroo.” you inquire.

“What do you mean, isn’t he being his loud cat-like self?” he responded

“Well yeah of course, but recently he’s been on his phone ALOT, and always leaving our dates early or showing up late and stuff so I don’t know I thought maybe you’d know something.”

“Oh maybe it’s just that he’s been pretty busy with Hana right now.” he said nochalantly

“Who’s Hana?” you say, your eyes squinting.

“Oh you don’t know Hana,” he said a bit surprised “Ooops Kuroo’s going to be so mad at me.”

“Mad at you, what do you mean mad at you?”  

“Um, I got to go by Y/N!” he said quickly

“But Ken-” the sound of him leaving the party cut you off, and now you were in more of a confused slump then you were before. What is Kuroo hiding? And who the hell is Hana?

Since you couldn’t go over to Kuroo’s dorm right now because of your universities weird curfew times, you decided the only thing you can do right now is call him. After a few rings he finally answered and you could hear his background was really loud.

“Um, Y/N this isn’t really the best time right now – ow shit.” he said frantically.

“Kuroo, what's going on it sounds like you’re at a rave. Wait are you at a rave?”  

“No I'm not at a rave I'm just – Hana stop doing that.” he said trying to whisper the last bit.

“Who’s Hana, Kenma mentioned her on PlayStation tonight but he didn’t explain.”

“Kenma did what? God – Ouch “there was ruffling in the background before Kuroo finally “Sorry Y/N I got to go..”

He hangs up before you could respond. What is wrong with these boys today?  

It was your study week break, so you don’t really go into school to do classes you just have to prepare for studying. Which was great for you, since you could actually get revision done without being distracted and you can avoid Kuroo whilst thinking about what happened a few days ago.

Kuroo didn’t message you anyways, which kind of sucked, since these chemistry notes aren’t going to learn themselves. You went over each of your topics that you need to learn and you’d say you were pretty much ready for your exams. So for the rest of the week, you didn’t have much to do. Kenma was pretty busy with volleyball and his high school life and your boyfriend was still being odd and you didn’t have any real close friends at Uni since you’re only a first year and Kenma and Kuroo were mainly all you needed anyways.

You chose to go on a date, by yourself, to your favourite bookstore café to have some ‘self care’ time. On the way their you heard a familiar voice shouting down the street, looking in that direction you saw your boyfriend yelling “HANA!” “HANA!” repeadetly.  

Going over to him you said, “Kuroo, are you okay?”

“Umm hey Y/N...” he said awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck “to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“The pleasure of being my boyfriend properly again,” you said smartly.

“Oh Y/N shit, im sorry about that” he apologised “I’ve just been really busy right now with Ha-”

“Hana.” you say rolling your eyes “Who is she?”

“I can’t really say Y/N, it was meant to a be a surprise.”

“A surprise for who?” you say  

“Well fo-”

Before you can finish you say a loud ‘HISSS!’ Come from near your feet. “Hana! Thank god!” Kuroo said picking her up, but then dropping her again when she did a even louder HISSS at him. “Umm I really need to work on that..”

“So this is Hana.” you say a bit stunned “She’s a cat.”

“Indeed she is.” he said “ surprise...”

“You got me a cat?” you said still very stunned

“Indeed I did.”

“A feral cat?”  

“Feral!” he said shocked “What do you mean feral!”

“Tetsu! She’s obviously feral!” you say reprimanded him.

“No she’s not! Look” he tried to pet her again and she nearly bit him and then sped off “Okay...maybe she is.”

Kuroo explained that he saw this cat one time outside of his dorm building and wanted to adopt her and give her to you as a gift. He’s been spending his time trying to ‘train her’ but every time it would result in Kuroo getting scratched up or him having to try and chase her around the city. You did appreciate the sentiment, however you reminded Kuroo that if he would’ve told you, you could’ve easily shown him that she was feral or if he listened to Kenma, then Kenma would’ve told him (which he did) that she was feral.

Kuroo did feel bad that his big plan didn’t work and he ended up looking like an idiot, not knowing the difference between a stray and feral cat. But you took him to a cat café as a little ‘pick me up,’ and promised him that for his birthday you’ll adopt a real cat for him.  

An: this is basically a shit post but who cares 😃 Also am I the only that thinks that hana being a feral cat in the end is funny? Or is my humour that dry😭

[yunhostinyuyu]

bunny, bunny

pairing: friend!yunho x fem reader

gerne: pwp (im sorry), uni au, friends to friends with benefits

wc: 1.8k

synopsis: when your friend and you ended up in a bed in between each other’s thighs, your friendship was in danger of being disrupted. thankfully, you two came up with a solution…

warnings: cock warming, public play, exhibitionism, grinding, descriptions of past sex scenes, use of pet names, orgasm control? a little praise and a little degrading thrown in too because why not

authors note: this is not proof read and I wrote it at 1am please be kind <3

—

It was a summery afternoon, Yunho and you spend it per usual at the park near campus, studying for your final exams. The last rays of sunshine shining though the pine trees that spend shade to the entire space decked in greenery and flowers. It was especially quiet at this time, which was the reason you went there regularly. Yet the specific place in the very back spend and enormous amount of silence that the both of you enjoyed thoroughly.

But despite the breeze that fanned over your legs and arms, your insides were burning. As if someone poured hot chili sauce in your gut, focus not present and the notes you compared and tried to burn into your memory were wasted efforts. The burn inside churning your stomach in all shapes, trying to sit still - but to no avail.

Why? Because your friend right next to you railed you last weekend, and since then acted as if nothing had happened between the two of you. Never had you ever thought of him like that, but ever since it happened, you couldn’t pull your mind off it. It was a thought chain that disrupted every effort to study, reimagining the things that went down in his bed. But anytime you tried to hint at it or even talk about the incident, he avoided it, changed the topic, or even flat out pretended he didn’t know what you were referring to. And it was exhausting. You were even considering forgetting about the whole thing to continue on with your friendship and not to get the mush of sexual fantasies and your blatant neediness between that.

But still, you thought about it. You couldn’t not think about it. Never had anyone… fucked you the way he did.

“I love the way your boobs bounce, the way you clench around me like that- fuck, like that. You feel so snug around my cock, so good bunny. Just for me.”

Panting. Moaning. Maintaining your rhythm. Repeat. He stretched your walls so well, the constant dragging against your velvet walls make you go crazy. Orgasm pending as your legs got more tired, yet trying your best to continue riding your friend.

“Dumb little bunny, getting tired already? Don’t you want to cum?” He teased, seeing and feeling your struggle, releasing a incoherent chain of moans and complaints. His smirk still ever present on his lips, clearly enjoying himself. After a few more attempts on continuing to get your release on him, he rolled over to change your positions, moments before your thigh muscles would have given out.

“Bunny, answer when I ask you something. Do you wanna cum on my dick, huh? I guess you don’t want to then…” he provoked, knowing exactly what he was doing while slowing his movements. “Yun, no! No I wanna cum, please don’t stop, I’m begging you, please please please, I’m just a dumb little bunny. Make me cum, please Yunho. I need-“ he muffled your pleas with his giant hand, pushing his fingers against your tongue while snapping his hips harder then before, sounds of skin slapping filling the room. Crying as he gifted you with your well earned orgasm.

“Snap out of it, Y/N. You’re off somewhere in Dreamland.” his deep voice woke you from the depth of your naughty mind.

“Fuck- Yunho! Don’t startle me like that!” Playfully hitting his arm as you try to compose yourself again and at least pretend to study, so you can find an excuse to get home and take care of the blinding ache that was slowly bubbling up in between your legs.

Yunho got another book out of his backpack, flipping through the pages as he side eyed you again and again. “What did you think about? You’re been really distant today, I’m almost offended.” His voice sounded calm. And yes, he was right, you acted strange - but to your defense, you didn’t know what the late events made you two. Mind rattling without coming to a conclusion, you simply sighed and looked up from your study material. Rolling over from laying on your stomach, to now rest on your back and searching for Yunho’s attention.

“Yunho, I don’t - no I can’t anymore. You idiot make me crazy, all I can think about is you fucking me and I can’t get this image out of my head. And I can’t stand how you keep on pretending it never happened. I hate this so much. I cannot get over it, and you certainly don’t help with your whole spiel.” words hitting him square in the chest, and even while they came out more forceful than you imagined in your head, it seemed to work in your favor… well more or less…

“Bunny, bunny, if you want me to touch you, just tell me. I can tell by the way your thighs rub together…”

“That’s not what I mean Yunho. You’re doing it right now, again! You’re avoiding the issue at hand, and if you don’t man up I’ll leave until you grow a pair of balls.” You shake your head, denying your arousal pooling in favor of getting your point across. His features turned serious for a moment. Closing your eyes in frustration and hiding your face behind your fingers to avoid his stare boring through your skull. But before he said anything, you felt something along your legs-

“You’re too riled up. But let’s talk this though if it bothers you - which it clearly does. But before that-“ his fingers traveled up until they felt the damp material of your panties, moving it to the side to push his own digits in. Mentally cursing at your choice to wear a skirt today of all days. “- let’s relax. Please, just sit up.”

Trying your hardest to keep any signs of newly found ecstasy to yourself, one hand moving in and out of your hole, the other wrapping around your waist to pull you up from your lying position and bring you onto his lap. His chest pressing against your back, his mouth ghosting over the shell of your ear. Whispering, only for you to hear “good bunny, now-“ he pulled his fingers out of you, which contracted a short whine from your end, and despite trying your best to play coy, you failed. Feeling a grin on his face as he continued to work you up. One hand untucking his half-hard member out of his sweatpants. Your mind went blank as you felt him teasing your entrance, hands searching for him to stop.

“Yunho, we’re in public, someone will see us. Please-“ you whine, slowly loosing control of yourself and almost grinding against him, begging for stimulation. Without answering, he slipped inside effortlessly thanks to your arousal that drenched your core. Lewd moans leaving you as his grip found your hips again, holding you close to him, while not giving you a chance to fuck yourself on him.

At this point all the built up composure was thrown out the window and you tried your hardest to get any stimulation from him, which his death grip on you prevented. “Stop clenching, let’s talk.” He commented, not letting up on you. Brows furrowed in confusion while glancing back at him.

“I didn’t expect you to be this needy for me in public. It explains a lot. But in all seriousness…” he started, and despite everything, you could think clear thoughts again, his rough touch comforting you in a way. “Let’s talk it through.”

Deep sighs escaped while chewing on the inside of your cheek. “You know, I don’t know. It was all so awkward since we… you know, did it. I don’t want to loose our friendship but at the same time my mind is filled with you. But not my friend from Uni-Yunho, instead it’s just ‘bunny looks so good doing this and that’-Yunho.” You found it surprisingly easier to talk your mind without having to look into his eyes. But your voice was thin and could break off any moment to turn into whispers.

“I’m- I don’t know what to say, honestly. Did I ever make you feel uncomfortable, or push you to do things you’re not okay with?” He asked out of the blue, and you shook your head vehemently at his question. His grip on your hips let up, feeling that his hold may cause a few bruises, but that was the last of your concerns. “Never. If it did, we would have never gone that far. You know me, I’m quick to reject people when I feel iffy.”

A soft, breathy laugh left him and you felt his warm breath against your neck. “I know. Suppose I’m lucky then.” Hands coming back to lift you off his cock, and you turned around to face him. Slowly sinking back onto him and finding his hands once you bottomed out.

You both were nervous about this, but nonetheless you were determined to get this topic over with, to come to a conclusion. A proper result to see where you both stand at.

“I have a proposal then.“ he spoke, hands leaving yours again to hold you and make you sink onto his boner once again, this time moaning louder than the first time, and a heat crawled up your neck and cheeks. “What if we…“ he guided you up and down, your hands frantically grabbing onto his shirt to deal with the sudden stimulation. Tiny groans tumbling from his lips as well, “Let’s keep this casual. Make it our thing. We don’t have to get caught up with any feelings or attachments. We can simply keep going as friends, and when… you know. We get desperate, we can play with each other.” He suggested while keeping a steady rythym, bucking his hips ever so perfectly, hitting your spots better than anyone before him did.

“Are you suggesting that we- oh fuck! T-that we… become friends with benefits? Mmmh- you sure about this?” trying your hardest to talk properly without drawing too much attention to your situation. Even if any bystander wouldn’t think you were getting off in public, your skirt hiding both of your private regions perfectly. Your sounds and movements would prove anyone otherwise.

Yunho slowly but surely slacked off and stilled his movements while staying snug inside you again. “That’s what I’m saying. You think you can do that?”

In all honesty, this newly found confidence surprised you, but it suited him so well, ever since becoming intimate with him. And having this side of Yunho, alongside a normal friendship, a friendship you cherished and celebrated? Where he still was that funny, yet slightly clumsy and sarcastic person? It seemed like a jackpot.

Breathily, leaning your forehead against his, and nodding at his suggestion. “I can. I want to. I mean, I wanna try this thing with you. Please-“

Suddenly, lips slotting against your own sloppily. Hands touching you everywhere, heavy breathing and panting.

“Let’s take this back to the dorms then, bunny. Be good and I’ll make you cum as much as you want. Sounds good?”

—