#im swinging between being close to a shut or close to a meltdown.

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

[lace-coffin]

Hi im that person that asked for the stufed toy thing and oh my god i loved it so much i loved everything and onece your requests are open sorry im asking while they are shut i had this sudden idea for a request sorry😭😭 ive also kinda got 2 ideas soooo sorry😅

But like a reader that is obsessed with drawing and loved to draw cute and sweet drawings to give to asa to do with their hyper fixation or every time they are with him they start ranting to him about it or them i dont know but he would be so educated on their hyper fixation unless its bugs then he would already know everything haha

Or idea 2

The reader likes to lick things randomly for no particular reason they just like to do it or they love physical touch and cant get enough of it always cuddling with asa at night as close as they can and just imagine them cuddling and they just lick him then he just gets confused that would be so funny to imagine😭😭

Or the reader for the same type of thing as the plushie one but instead music to calm them down and they would have like a tiny crying fit for their headphones bc i have had alot of meltdowns over not having my headphones its crazy i love your writing so much hope u have a good day❤️

Asa Emory x Autistic!Gn!Reader with a new hyperfixation

Requests are open!

Hi I hope you like this! I totally crammed my last two fixations into this < 3

Call Asa old but he wasn’t exactly up to date on video games. He defiantly was now at least, not that he had much choice. You were always flipping between interests, intensely talking and interacting with one topic for weeks or months at a time and then switching to another that catches your interest. It’s been Sonic The Hedgehog for atleast 3 weeks now.

He didn’t exactly picture his desk to be filled with pictures of anthropomorphic hedgehogs but here he is, he kinda signed up for this when he stuffed you into the trunk, knowingly or not. As long as you’re happy then he’s happy, even if he thinks you’re spending a little too much time on that GameCube you begged him to bring to hotel..

A few weeks pass and it’s now the Saw franchise. Victims being “tested” in disgusting gory traps by a man that fancies himself to be god? This is more up to his speed..pun unintended.

A series of excited knocks sound from the door of your masters workroom. Stretching his taught shoulders and neck he takes inventory of his aching muscles, he supposes he can take a break to spend some time with his puppy. Slumping back in the chair and swinging it to face to door Asa calls you in. “Enter”

Keeping your eyes pinned to the floor until given further permission you enter the room, shuffling over to drop to your knees in front of your owner, waiting for the order. The currently unmasked man drinks in your appearance, oversized jumper falling to sit on your neatly pressed together thighs and the collar he places on you every morning slightly twisted, the tag not where it should be.

“Eyes up pet” he says firmly, snapping his fingers to emphasise the point. Jumping a little at the suddenness you snap your eyes up to meet a fond look on master’s face, you relax a little, letting out a sigh.

Shuffling to prop his chin up with his fist in interest, Asa continues.

“What can I do for you pet?”

Visibly perking up and practically vibrating on the wooden floor you push the paper into Asa’s face, defiantly too close, there’s no way he can actually see it like that. Realising this you settle to put it in his lap and stare back at him hopefully.

“I drew more pictures! I wanted you to see..” you reply a little shy, suddenly realising how loud and excitable you had been, insecurity creeping in. Asa recognises you shrinking in on yourself and tuts. “Can I see, cricket?” He adds softly, prompting you to show him what you’ve been working on, he never wants you to feel ashamed about you’re passions even if you’ve been taught in the past to ‘tone it down’

Asa wants all of you, he accepted that from the moment he hoisted you into the box, to the moments when he firmly settles the collar around your throat every morning.

Soft smile settling onto your face you hand over the paper, not ignoring the way your knuckles brush against your masters during the exchange.

You wait with baited breath as he looks the paper over, you know he would never say anything demeaning about your art but you can’t help feel a little anxiety when letting someone in on something special to you. Todays drawing is a rough sketch of your for a saw trap, it’s grisly and frankly disgusting, you don’t envy anyone that would end up strapped down and desperate on the other end of it. Obviously you have no need for a contraption like that, but it’s only an (admittedly) sick fantasy.

After flicking through the diagrams and reading the notes as best he can (it’s not your fault he can’t read you’re handwriting well 🙄) a strange look crosses his face..it’s almost like you can see the cogs working in his brain. this could either be fantastic or a disaster, Asa isn’t one to do things half assed, it’s always all or nothing.

“Can I use this?” The silence is suddenly broken, his sclera eyes raising to meet your own, not any less eerie than when hidden behind his mask.

A strange feeling begins to pool in your stomach, should you feel exited? Proud that he wants to use your plans? Or disgusted? Sick to your stomach that the plans you never envisioned actually coming to fruition will be used to torture some poor individual? Unsure how to feel or respond you stare back at him, lips slightly parted as if trying to muster something up.

“These are wonderful cricket, they may need a little tinkering to make them functional but regardless this design is…fascinating.” A sickly sweet smile sits on your masters lips as he hands the paper back to you, ruffling your hair and placing a chaste kiss to the crown of your head.

Stunned and with a pit in your stomach you nod dumbly, leaning into the affection and practically purring. The idea that you’ve just essentially sentenced someone to their painful and unethical demise is soul crushing…but also a little thrilling? Has your owner really rubbed off on you this much? It’s not like you don’t know what he does day in and day out but it’s never been this..personal.

Asa slaps his knees (like the old man he is) and rolls back over to the desk, pushing away his current projects and random hardware to make room for your (his) new trap.

“Can you bring me the paper please, doll?. I would like to get started as soon as possible.”

Shaking off the ever building dread you pull yourself up, a little unsteady due to the burning in your thighs from sitting in one position so long. Placing the paper on his desk you stare back at him, waiting for further instruction. you’re not sure when he ended up ingraining that response into your mind but at this point it’s not worth questioning, it’s not hard to see that the pair of you are living in your own little world outside of normal society by now.

“You’re welcome to either sit by me as I work and give input considering it’s you’re design or you may sit on your bed and wait for me to finish”

You glance over at the cushy pet bed across the room from Asa’s desk…a lay down does sound ideal right now, maybe a nap will help clear your head? Or swallow the guilt.

“I’m gonna lay down sir, maybe nap a little, promise I won’t snore and distract you” you tease, giggling and feeling a little better in yourself.

Asa huffs out a chuckle at your joke. “I’ll be sure you don’t little bug.” He says, smiling gently at you. You turn to leave before being stopped in your tracks.

“One more thing, pet”

Cool gloved hands slide around your neck making you shiver at the contact, the small misplaced silver tag is slid back into its original place, proudly stating your name and owner on the front like a brand.

“There we go, much better”

Blushing a little you thank your owner and wonder off to the dog bed, curling up and lazily watching him work from afar.

[jae-daddy]

Chubby (9)

Jaebum AU series

one / two / three / four / five / six / seven / eight / ten / eleven 

Pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader Genre: Romance, Drama, Mature Plot: you are getting bullied and jaebum decides to save you a/n: hi, hope i make it on time. this is so long, i don't know what i've done, but i love it. hehe. hope y’all like it.

You stared at the screen covered with green text bubbles as you sighed outside Jaebum’s apartment. Today, a rare Jaebum was standing in front of you, or more like wasn’t before you.

For the past couple of months, since Jaebum and you began this charade, Jaebum without fail made himself a part of your day. Whether it was rescuing you from the monsters at school or the ones that haunted you when you were alone in your room. He was there, sending a text, and brilliant smile making everything in the world okay for a moment.

You stared at your phone screen, your eyes flickering at the battery percentage out of habit. The full bar made your panic settle a bit, but the unanswered texts made your mind toss from side to side. It was the first time Jaebum went off the grid with you and you were scared.

“What if he had forgotten to feed Tuesday?” You nibbled your lower lip, as you tried to reason with yourself. You had messaged him that if he didn’t reply by seven you were going to check on Tuesday.

It was well past seven; a bit more than just past. It was eighty thirty, with no sign of Jaebum.

“This is just about Tuesday, this is all for him,” you told your hammering heart. There was no way the dark thoughts your mind whispered into your ear would be true.

In its place, you imagined Jaebum was probably on another one of his infamous retreats.

Maybe it was with some girl, and he was busy.

The thought tinged your heart but you ignored. Instead, you hid in the shelter of him being okay and safe. He was in perfect condition, just a bit busy in someone.

Your mind corrupted with images of Jaebum and a girl. His hand running down her body, his lips kissing her. You pictured a boy and girl lost in passion and love, and the scene made your skin crawl.

It's not jealousy, you scrawled as you shook the thoughts out and reached for the code pad.

“Tuesday?” You quietly sang as you stuck your head inside the dark apartment.

Even before you could fully enter the house, the horrid smell slammed against your chest. A familiar fear gripped your heart, as you took in Jaebum’s place. Everything was a mess; everything toppled over, not in their correct place.

The smell of rotting dishes assaulted your nose, but the more prominent smell of alcohol was the reason for the terror taking over your body. You had smelt alcohol before; enough of it to know what too much smells like.

The stench filled up the whole apartment, spreading itself through all the dark corners. You tried searching for Tee but he was nowhere, and that scared you more. You prayed Jaebum wasn’t here; you prayed he had left somewhere with his friend.

You prayed you wouldn’t find an unconscious Jaebum.

You didn’t want to see him lying in his vomit, his body stiff and a bottle idly laying by his side. You didn’t want the whispering snakes' poison to be true; you prayed it wasn’t as you took a step further.

The fear never let your heart ease for a second. It’s grip getting tighter and tighter until you weren’t sure if you would find Jaebum before you collapsed. However, this wasn’t the time to be weak; Jaebum needed you, and if not him, Tuesday.

For once, you took a step after another, despite everything in your body telling you to run before you find something of nightmares.

You tried to think of alcohol poisoning and wondered how long people had before it was too late. You wondered if cats waited for the body to rot before they started eating it.

Your feet halted as disgust at yourself rose all over your body.

“They’re okay,” you told yourself. “They’re fine; they’re just sleeping.”

You nodded, as you forcefully gulped before opening Jaebum’s bedroom door with one big swing. The door slammed against the wall, and your eyes shut tight.

You were terrified, you were scared.

You were scared to see Jaebum in any sort of harm. You were terrified of anything that the room could show. You were so so scared that your curse had wrapped itself around Jaebum, and now he would leave too.

You were scared; no matter how you said it or how many adjectives and synonyms you used to describe the horror grazing your body with its cold touch. The fact remained the same, you were so scared to loose Jaebum that you would rather die in this moment, then open your eyes to find him hurt.

The tears squeezed past your tightly shut eyes, and you felt the hot trails roll down your cheeks. You felt them pooling at your trembling chin, as your fists tightened.

Once again, you let the fear take rule of you. Once again you gave up, too scared to move or do anything.

You wondered how long you could stay here like this. How much longer could your heart beat as the grip of the ghost tightened its hold with every passing tick. You wondered if you could just walk backwards, your eyes still tightly shut and call someone for help.

You wondered and worried, and thought. You wished and prayed, and all of it seemed pointless because, in the end, it all came down to you.

And you were just too afraid.

“No, I can’t be!” You told yourself, sternly, as more tears rolled down your cheeks. They were hotter, fatter and faster; tears of anger, hope and courage. You had to be strong for him; he saved you so many times, you can take this small step.

“Three,” you breathed soft, yet firm.

“Two.”

“One.” Your eyes snapped open; eyebrows furrowed; heartbeat halted; body frozen.

And just like that everything dissolved.

You fell to the floor as a sob raked through your body.

He came down with you; his arms slowly circling around you as he hid you in his warmth.

Your hands clenched his shirt, before moving around his waist. It kept fidgeting; switching from place to place. You wanted to feel his heat enough to know he was okay and in front of you.

You wanted your heart and mind to be assured that he’s okay, and whatever those demons kept saying were lies. He’s okay, he’s here.

Your arms settled around his neck, as Jaebum pulled you onto him. Your body cradled against him, and your face hidden between his neck and shoulder.

The sobs wouldn’t stop, and they didn’t seem to for a long time. Jaebum stayed the same; holding you close. A hand on your back, another in your hair, telling you he is here, that it’s alright.

He doesn’t know why you were so afraid. He doesn’t know you thought you had lost him. He doesn’t know that just the thought alone made everything blur into nothing but pain and terror.

“It’s okay, y/n,” he whispered, sweet and soft. “I’ve got you.”

“No,” you choked, as your arms tightened around him. “I’ve got you.”

The cold wind of the winter night fluttered through the window, as light drowned the apartment once again. You hugged the blanket around you closer as you sniffled, a mixture of both the meltdown session that ended some minutes ago and the icy wind.

A cup appeared in front of you, steam rising from it gently. You quickly grabbed it, thanking Jaebum as he settled next to you on the floor.

He leaned against the couch and looked at you intently. You tried to avoid looking at him but failed while you tried to sneak a glance.

His wet hair, fresh from the shower was swept back, exposing his forehead. A white shirt stretching against his broad back, and his eyes so dark and enchanting. No matter how times you looked at Im Jaebum, each time you were struck by his beauty.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he spoke softly, his eyes remaining on you. “Yesterday was pretty tough, so I had a few drinks. I woke up around six, and couldn’t sleep; I found some of my mother’s sleeping pills so I popped a few.”

Jaebum noticed the frown on your lips and instantly jumped to another apology.

“I’m sorry for taking pills while intoxicated, that was stupid and dumb of me. I will never do it again,” he stopped suddenly as if holding himself back from saying something. “It won’t happen again, y/n.”

“Jae,” you whispered, your voice failing to go any louder. “I care about you.”

I love you, you wanted to tell him.

“I know, I care about you too,” his voice held the same weight as you.

“I hope you know you can tell me anything. I might not be much help, but I can listen, I can lend you a shoulder, Jaebum.”

“How about a lap?” Jaebum asked, his lazy smile idly dancing on his lips. “Can I borrow your lap?”

You gulped in surprise, before nodding.

Jaebum slowly removed the blankets as he placed his cheeks against your sweatpants. You both remained silent for a moment. Your body unmoving, not sure what to do.

Jaebum curled into a ball, slowly, and on instinct, your hands found their way to his dark locks.

You felt Jaebum relax at your touch, as your fingers gently ran through his hair.

After a few seconds, you felt something hot and wet spread on your pants. A sniffle escaped Jaebum, and your heart hurt.

Your other hand landed on his upper arm; a gentle rhythm pulsing against him.

“Yesterday, I went to see my mum,” Jaebum said, his voice broken and shaking. “She couldn’t remember me. She didn’t know who I was.”

“Jaebum,” you breathed softly.

Jaebum turned so he was on his back. He held your hand to his chest, finding comfort in the heat it gave. His eyes were closed, but his tears continued to fall down the sides of his cheek.

“Everything changed after her, y/n,” Jaebum told you, his eyes opening to meet yours. “Everything fell apart; I wish she was here.”

You didn’t know who Jaebum was talking about, but you could understand the pain in his eyes. Tears filled your own eyes, as you saw ghosts similar to yours shine in Jaebum’s. You wanted to protect him, you wanted to save him from them.

A tear fell from your cheeks and splattered on his cheek, making you quickly wipe the rest away.

“But, y/n, I am so glad I found you,” he whispered, softly, as if telling you his most intimate secret. “I am so happy you are here with me right now.”

Jaebum got up from your lap and sat in front of you. Your eyes never leaving one another, as so much, nothing at all and everything, passed between you.

“I am so happy to be with you,” Jaebum whispered, as he took your face in his hands. His thumbs wiping away your tears. “You make me so happy, y/n.”

You stared at the boy in front of you.

It was Im Jaebum, with his dark hair slick back, making him look just as dangerous as the rumours in school maintained. He looked every bit of rough, tough and bad as people whispered him to be. He seemed all of that because it was true, it was all him.

“Do you know,” you started, your voice soft and quiet, as you set a strand of his hair into place. New tears prickled your eyes as your heart expanded beyond your chest. “everyone is scared of you?”

Jaebum stilled for a moment, his eyes glazing over as they searched yours.

“Are you?” He asked, so quiet you would’ve missed it if you weren’t watching him.

You shook your head, as you bit your lip feeling overwhelmed.

Even though Jaebum was the troublemaker everyone feared. Even if he had the power to tear apart anyone in his way, you found yourself leaning into him. Even if he scared everyone, he drew you in with his warmth.

You stood so close to him that you saw the fire that blazed around him. Now that you were so close to the flame everyone feared, you saw it was nothing. It was nothing but a boy; lost and alone. A boy exploding with so warmth that his body could no longer contain it.

He flowed with softness and affection, and you couldn’t think of anything else but throwing yourself into him.

Like a moth drawn to the flame, you were falling into Jaebum and there was no stopping you.

You leaned in closer to Jaebum to see the gold flakes that resided in those dark eyes. Your eyes darted to his lips, and your heart leapt in your chest.

“You make me feel safe, Jaebum,” you breathed, a small smile breaking your lips. “You make me so happy too.”

And just like that, his lips crashed into yours. His lips were soft, gentle; just like the rest of him. His warmth seeping into you, his sweetness running through your veins. Im Jaebum taking over your mind.

not edited

[holycalum]

vice (c.h.) part 3!!

summary- (y/n) has another #breakdown but like ACTUALLY this time she goes home just read it 

part 1 part 2 part 4

word count- 3.6k+

a/n- im terrible at summaries i figure if ur reading this far you don’t care you just wanna know what happens ya dig? also i appreciate all the love and support for this fic so much?? because i really thought this would flop but im so happy people are enjoying it. vice is literally my baby rn and i’ve put a lot of effort into it, and to see it pay off is grand ok goodbye. “fuck yeah,” i slurred, holding up my red cup in triumph. “midterms are hashtag over.” i slumped into britt, and she groaned, trying to push me off of her.  

“you’re too drunk,” she yelled over the thumping music. “your flights early tomorrow.”

“don’t care,” i smiled, dancing again. but britt’s word cut through my drunk thoughts moments later, and traveled straight to the gut. i might as well have doubled over because of the sinking feeling in my stomach. i had to go home the next day, and i didn’t want to in the slightest. the remix playing was drowned out as i stopped dancing abruptly, and got stuck in my head. the dark cloud that was rarely over my head anymore came crashing back, and i didn’t have calum to distract me. i had pushed the idea of me leaving college a semester early to kick start my life the back of my head, letting myself get lost in my studies for once, and calum. the second one was really the kicker. i pushed my way through the crowd, suddenly feeling very queasy. i stumbled throughout the unfamiliar house. miraculously i found a bathroom, and practically threw myself into it. i locked the door behind me, and fell to the floor. the cool tile soothed my burning skin, and i felt like i was human again. i crawled over the the toilet, head spinning. 

as i gripped the disgusting bowl and willed myself to throw up, i couldn’t help but let a few tears fall. but that was only the calm before the storm, because soon enough the dark cloud above my head stormed onto me. i cried so hard i gagged, and couldn’t catch my breath. my heart felt shriveled up and small and dead.

i had never been the drunk girl to have a complete meltdown, but i couldn’t stop the emotions from shooting out of every pore in my body. i felt like i was one big sad blob, and i physically couldn’t stop myself from getting drenched in the waters from my dark cloud. 

my crisis was interrupted by a knock at the door, i prayed it was a nice drunk girl that would braid my hair and tell me i’m pretty so i’d stop crying. but when i unlocked the door, calum’s eyes met mine and i cried even harder. i leaned against the cabinets, face in my hands, not wanting calum to see me at all, i wanted to disappear. 

it was funny, in the moments i wanted to be alone with my thoughts the most, calum always seemed to show up. 

“no, no, no,” calum’s words came out frantic, as he kneeled down in front of me and pulled my hands away from my face. the look of panic on his face sent my head spinning. 

“what’s wrong, pretty girl?” his nickname pulled at my heart strings and only made the knot in my stomach grown tighter. 

i couldn’t catch my breath enough to get any words out, so i sat there blubbering like a toddler, looking down, only for calum to tilt my head back up. 

“hey,” he cooed, shutting and locking the bathroom door once again, this time not leaving me alone. he sat against the door, and pulled me to his lap. “let’s just calm down and then we can talk, ok?” he said softly into my hair. i nodded against his leather jacket, trying to take deep breaths. even though i hated being so broken in front of calum, i couldn’t help but cling onto him like my life depended on it. the contact between us grounded me. 

every once in a while a sob would break through my breathing, causing calum to tense up and hold me tighter for a second, before going back to rubbing slow circles on my back. 

once i brought myself back down to earth, i pulled away from his chest, the world around me tilted in all directions. “i don’t wanna go home,” i cried, my words making tears well back up in my eyes. calum’s face was full of guilt as he stared into my bloodshot eyes.

“hey,” he shushed me, wiping under my eyes. he’d need a whole box of tissues to dry my cheeks, “it’s ok, just go slow.” 

“i wanna fall in love, cal.” i admitted, not being able to control the thoughts involuntarily pouring out of my mouth. “i want it all-but i cant have it. they took it from me. i don’t wanna go back.” a lump in my throat sprouted from deep within me, threatening to send me into another crying fit. 

i could see his eyes go glassy, “no,” i begged, “don’t cry.”

“m’ sorry,” he chuckled weakly, reaching up to wipe his own eyes. “going soft, sorry, continue.” another sob wracked through my chest at his state. i leaned my forehead against his chest, letting another cry out. 

“i’m hurting everyone around me,” i said sadly, “i don’t wanna hurt you anymore.” it became crystal clear that everyone was only calum. 

“but it’s so worth it, doll.” he whispered sweetly, smoothing the hairs around my ear. “you’re my sunshine, at the same time. what a contradiction you’ve proven to be.” it almost didn’t make sense. 

i settled against his chest, finally feeling a bit calmer. “an’ i know you’re really drunk right now, so i doubt you’ll remember most of this,” he starts, breath ghosting over my neck. “but, i accidentally let you in and i can feel myself falling for you. and it sucks because you’ll never be mine, fully at least, and you’re one of the only people i’ve let in so close to my heart.”

“stop,” i pleaded, “i don’t wanna know,”

“it’s not a bad thing, pretty girl.” he reassured me, “teaching me that it might be worth it, to let someone in, to enjoy someone’s company beyond sex.”

“i wish it didn’t have to be like this.” i mumbled, feeling very tired. 

“let’s get you home,”

i woke up the next day, to my blaring alarm clock. my head pounded as i flailed my hand around to turn off the terrible noise. it was the day of my flight and i couldn’t have felt any worse. eyes almost glued shut because of how puffy they were, traveled to see i was in the same clothes i was wearing the night prior. i felt like i’d been kicked in the face. clearly i had cried the night before. oh, the night before. 

i remembered almost everything, the crying, calum, more crying. it only made my headache worse. i showered to try and make myself feel less gross, but it only washed away the physical layer of grime. the emotional dirtiness would stay forever. 

i shrugged calum’s shirt over my head, it was dark blue, with maine written in bold white letters. it was probably my favorite shirt on him, so he insisted i have it. it was probably a bad idea to be reminded of calum while i went home, but it made me feel happy, and i could’ve used some light in my life. i pulled on a beanie and my long winter jacket, before grabbing my bags and heading towards the door. my roommates were still passed out from the night before, pillows over both of their heads. 

“bye, guys.” i muttered, before swinging the door open. “jesus, calum.” i breathed, clutching my chest, my heart almost stopping at the sight of him. 

“hey, sunshine.” he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. the nickname launched me into the events of the night before and i willed myself not to break. 

“hi,” i breathed, biting the inside of my lip. “thank you, for last night.” 

“anytime,” he replied, “nice shirt.” this time his eyes sparkled a bit, before his face fell. 

“what’s up?” i questioned, not understanding why he was standing outside my dorm at almost eight in the morning. 

“i wanted to say bye to you before you left,” he rocked back and forth on his heels, hands shoved in his pockets. he looked small, and tucked into himself, “feels like i’m losing you.” he mumbled the last part, almost low enough for me to miss it completely.

“please don’t say that,” i shut my eyes, forcing the tears to stay inside of me. he shrugged weakly. 

“i guess this is goodbye,” he smiled at me, brown eyes shining. my stomach sank and i reached towards him and engulfed him in the biggest hug i could muster. i wanted to keep him with me forever. 

“promise me you’ll see me when i get back,” i begged him, clutching onto him for dear life. his tight grasp around my waist indicated he was doing the same.  

“i promise,” his words were muffled by my shoulders, where his perfect face was squished. he pulled away, painfully, almost making me whine at the loss of contact. “goodbye, (y/n).”

“bye, calum.” i breathed, standing on my toes to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “i’ll see you when i get back-when i get home.” it was honest, being with calum felt more like a home than my own childhood house did. 

“i’ll see you then,” he gulped, and he watched me walk away. the entire trip back to my hometown, i spent on the verge of tears and a nervous breakdown.

[11:34 am] me: i can’t do this 

[11:35 am] calum: cant do what sunshine?

[11:35 am] me: my plane just landed. 

[11:36 am] calum: you can get thru this pretty girl

[11:36 am] me: you have way too much faith in me

[11:38 am] calum: (:

calum’s lightheartedness made me feel a bit better as i gathered my luggage painfully quick. near the baggage claim, my parents were waiting eagerly for me.  

“(y/n)!” my mom exclaimed, in a much different tone than she’d had the last time we spoke. it almost made me throw up at how sweet she was acting when the last time she made an effort to talk to me was to try and get me to drop out of school. 

“hey guys,” i plastered on a fake smile, bringing both of my parents in for a hug. “how are you?”

“wonderful, now that you’re back!” my dad said, rubbing my shoulder. “how about we head back to the house and have some lunch, i’m sure you’re starving.”

“i am!” i lied, i wasn’t. not in the slightest, my stomach was twisted and the idea of food made me want to yakk on the spot. my appetite had disappeared the second i turned around to see calum’s pained expression as i walked away. the drive home was tense, calling for awkward small talk and bad jokes. 

when we walked in the front door, i was greeted by a very happy david. my mouth fell open as i was halfway through kicking off my shoes. i felt like my body had been frozen solid. 

“i thought you didn’t get back for another day,” i deadpanned, not being able to hide my emotions. the whole trip was already emotionally heavy, and seeing david so soon only added another layer overbearing feelings. 

“i wanted to surprise you!” david pulled me in for a lingering hug, he was too keen on surprises for my liking. i hugged him back, and our bodies didn’t mold together like calum and i’s did. i felt no fire, i felt no excitement, i felt nothing except for a heavy emptiness settling in my chest. 

my little sister, maya, bounded down the entryway. “(y/n)!” she yelled, and i ripped myself away from david to embrace her. 

“hey, lil’ one.” i said, smiling for real. i pulled away, looking at her. “not so little anymore,” she was taller than i was now, towering over me by a few inches. 

“how’s junior year?”

“rough,” she rolled her eyes, “how’s college.”

“great.” i smiled widely, catching david’s eye, “i love it, you know that.” it was the in small victories. 

“stressful, though!” david cut in,

“a good kind of stress,” i snapped back, turning my eyes back to maya slowly, boxing david out of the conversation. “i’ve met a lot of great people.”

“who’s shirt is that?” she asked suddenly, gripping the dark blue fabric. her eyebrows furrowed together at the sight of the unfamiliar shirt. 

“just a friend’s,” i smiled, my mouth doing dry. maya wiggled her eyebrows at me, and i hit her arm. i wasn’t really lying, calum and i weren’t together, so that left us as friends, although friends weren’t necessarily supposed to act like we did. 

the air that hung around us was dense and suffocating, so i saw myself to the kitchen, where an array of food was laid out in front of my parents, and david’s.  

“hey honey,” david’s mom smiled at me, pulling me in for a hung. she kept an arm wound around my waist as david’s dad caught my attention. 

“how ya’ feelin, kid?” he asked, grinning widely. 

i gave him a gentle smile back, “i’m great,” i breathed, trying to grip onto the last of my sanity that would make my statement at least a little true. we spent the eve of christmas eve making small conversation, settling into the way things had always been, and will always be. 

i ended up sprawled out on my little sisters bed, late that night, face down. everyone had left, and i could finally feel my shoulders relax. 

“so...” maya sat next to me, causing me to roll onto my side. “you seeing anyone?” she mused, poking my shoulder. 

i sighed, “you know i shouldn’t.” i put simply, trying the avoid the thought and conversation. 

“when has that stopped you?” she challenged, “i know you don’t really love david,” she added quietly, looking at me with caring eyes. 

“even if i was...” i started, “it can’t be a good idea, it’ll only hurt more people in the end.”

maya frowned, “you deserve to be happy, (y/n).”

“i know,” i pulled my lips into a straight line, “i can make it work, i still have you.”

“you won’t be fully happy,” she fretted, her tone more upset than it was before. 

“maybe no ones ever fully happy,” i shrugged, “maybe i’ll just be a little less happy, i’ll survive.”

maya chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment, “do you think they’ll make me marry someone i don’t like too?” i sat up, and tucked a piece of her hair behind her hair. she seemed like a little girl again, and it broke my heart. 

“you were always more stubborn than i was,” i whispered, smoothing her hair down, “they can’t hold you down, lil’ one.” she smiled, “goodnight, maya.” the topic became too much to stomach. 

“night, (y/n).” i made my way out of maya’s room, padding down to my old bedroom. it was almost exactly the same, just a bit staler, from the lack of movement. the bed was freshly made, and i climbed into it, feeling drained from the day.

i woke up christmas eve morning, and fell into the bustling nature of the day ahead. i was helping cook and clean and prepare for everyone to come over. that night we’d have cousins and david’s family and david’s cousins over, and we’d all have one big painful night. 

when i was younger, christmas eve couldn’t come quick enough, and maya and i would spend the whole day waiting for the evening. but, as an adult, the festivities proved to be more annoying than joyful and the night rolled around too quick. my late afternoon nap was interrupted by my mother shaking me awake, informing me of the arrival of our relatives. 

i sleepily greeted everyone as they got to the house, stopping for a long conversation with my grandfather. i had never been more grateful for his ability to digress into the longest conversations ever, when i saw david and his family walk through the door. i focused on my grandfather, listening to whatever he was speaking about.

“that’s really interesting,” i said, “tell me more.” i practically begged, and my grandpa almost passed out at the excitement of someone wanting to listen to him. 

“hey, (y/n).” david piped up, his blonde hair was littered with snow flakes from being outside. 

“one second, david. my grandpas just telling me a story-“ i was cut off,

“that’s fine, sweetheart.” my grandpa said, his smile fading a bit. “go on.” i gave him a sad grin, and hugged him briefly before david pulled me towards the living room. 

“i was having a conversation,” i crossed my arms in front of david, pushing him out. 

he rolled his eyes, “i know you hate those conversations,” 

“that one was really immersing me!” i shot back, stomping my foot. he gripped my forearm, pulling me closer, “don’t throw a fit,” he grumbled, running a hand through his hair. 

“whatever,” i brushed it off, knowing i wouldn’t get my way. “what’s up?” “i just wanted to talk to you,” he answered, “i hadn’t seen you since i visited you and we hardly spoke yesterday.”

“m’ just tired,” i rubbed my eyes for effect, 

“we’ve barely spoken on the phone either,” he sneered, his face almost as flushed as his pink shirt. 

“two way street, david.” i said, my face straight and unmoving. 

“you know i love you, (y/n).” david sighed, reaching out for my hand. it was cold and uninviting, unlike calum’s warm embrace. “i just get busy, and distracted. i could use something to pull me out of it.”

“i get busy too,” i stated, my hand stiff in his, and i wondered if this was his idea of love. 

“with that major...” he muttered under his breath, and i almost didn’t hear him. “i just want us to be on good terms.”

“we are.” as good as we could get, it wasn’t saying much, but it was something. he smiled. 

“good.” and then i walked away, excusing myself to the restroom. i stood in front of the mirror, hands gripping the sink so hard my knuckles went white. i let myself breath for a second, feeling i’d lose control if i didn’t. i pulled my phone out quickly, typing a text to calum. 

[7:27 pm] me: merry christmas eve

[7:30 pm] calum: merry christmas to you, pretty girl

[7:30 pm] calum: how are you?

[7:31 pm] me: surviving 

“(y/n)?” a knock cut through my trance and i jumped, going to open the door. 

“hi,” i caught my breath, looking at my mom. 

“dinners ready,” she stated, “you alright?”

“yes.” i nodded, following her to the dining room. david took a seat next to me, uncomfortably gripping my thigh throughout the night. his touch wasn’t reassuring or nice, it was repulsive and empty. 

after dinner, we all sat in the living room, gathered around the tree, giving our cousins gifts and opening them early. it was a family tradition to open gifts from extended family christmas eve, and david’s family had intertwined with ours, making it like a huge pre-christmas. once all the little cousins finished opening toys and sharing with one another we all started to fall into our own conversations. 

“i actually have one more gift,” david’s voice bellowed, it was loud and dripping with confidence. 

oh no. 

“it’s for (y/n),” he said, shifting his weight to one of his knees. 

oh no. 

“(y/n),” he started, grabbing both of my hands and the attention of everyone around us. i felt maya’s eyes shoot to mine, wide and worried. i felt sick to my stomach, “i love you, you know that.” my whole body was lit aflame and not in any desirable way, i felt too hot and crowded and my tongue felt like heavy sandpaper in my mouth. 

i couldn’t do anything but sit there, mouth hung open, heart pumping wildly. i watched his mouth move but i didn’t hear any noise come out, my ears rung loudly.

“will you marry me?” i didn’t answer, i couldn’t answer. 

“of course she will!” my mother shrilled loudly, clutching her chest. 

my eyes were dull with loss, the sharp edges of my memories with calum slicing at my heart as he slid the ring on my finger. i felt like i didn’t have myself anymore, or even know who i was. i didn’t know. i didn’t care. 

david pulled me in for a hug, as our family clapped loudly around us. it was all real and i couldn’t stop it. 

i looked calm, up until i finally shut my bedroom door behind me. all at once my tears flowed out, the dark cloud above my head had once again stormed on me, leaving me soaked to the core. i dragged myself to my bed, not bothering to change out of the clothes i’d wore that night. i felt hopeless as sobs ran through my body, shaking every part of me. my room was miserable and cold, and the only sound piercing the silence was my occasional cries i couldn’t keep quiet. 

i cried for me, i cried for my future kids, i cried for calum.

calum

. i wanted to tell him, i wanted to hear his voice and i wanted him to tell me it was going to be ok, but it wasn’t and not even he could change that. but i longed to feel him, and the brightness he elicited by only giving me a look. my heart ached as i fell asleep, my future dragging me closer and closer.

a/n: ok drama lmk what ya think even if its me being stupid and spelling something wrong but feedback is appreciated! thank u for reading!! part 4 should be up tomorrow or in the next couple of days. ALSO im gonna fosho gonna write more after this is done so if you have an requests pls message me i would love 2 write what yall want ok goodbye love u 

tags: (lmk if u wanna be added for part 4/any other shit i write) @rexorangecouny