#im talking systems well on their path through purposeful recovery

[our-inspire-verse]

I always feel so out of place even in system communities. Does anyone else relate at all??

Like, idk some system memes are cool and relatable bc obviously not everything is gonna line up, but so much of it doesn't click with us.

We've almost never been put off by the voices, we all wanna communicate, we don't think less of each other or think 1 deserves more front time than anyone else, etc. Idk, there's so many memes about denial and eating each other's food and all this distress. Which is i know, a major part of many system's lives. Part of what makes a meme is the repeatability and a lot of systemhood IS struggles in that area.

But what about systems who do everything right (in the sense that we have healthy coping and such)? What about systems who unconditionally love each other and dissociative barriers are something we work around instead of fighting? What about the systems who love the voices?

[unwelcome-ozian]

Im sorry if this is insensitive, but what can i do as someone who isnt a survivor to help, in general? How do you enjoy things when you, quite literally, know government secrets and what their true plans for the world are?

It’s not insensitive at all. No worries.

Supporting someone who has survived programming can be difficult.

The most important thing is safety.  They need to know they are safe and the alters need to know they are safe.  For safety to be achieved trust needs to be built with each alter.  This means respecting the alters boundaries even if you disagree with them. (Unless they are a safety issue) If the alter doesn’t want to tell you their name that’s alright. If they don’t want to talk to you, that’s alright. Don’t pester them about the reason they don’t want to talk. Learn their names, if they have a name you don’t like or you find offensive don’t say anything. They may interpret this to mean you find them offensive. (Programming trick)

Trust is vitally important to establish and maintain. People make mistakes and tell them you will make them. When it comes to trust work very hard to maintain their trust. Be upfront with them and tell them there are somethings you won’t keep secret. They may find this scary but they’ll understand you’re being honest.

A lot of systems and survivors are very private. Respect their privacy. It won’t matter to them if your intentions are well meaning if you talk about them to other people they may see it as a violation of their trust. Ask them first if you can talk with someone about what is going on so you have support as well. Don’t broadcast their issues/concerns.

Survivors of trauma are extremely vigilant of their surroundings and changes can trigger them. If there is going to be a change try and let them know and ask them to tell others.

As well as being very vigilant of their surroundings they are very aware of how you are behaving. People pay attention to body language, facial expression and tone of voice before they listen to what you are saying. Be aware of how you are presenting yourself. Are you saying, “I’m not angry.” as you have fists made, talking through clenched teeth, and furrowed eyebrows? Just one of this things will lead them to not believe you. Hard task, I know. Keep in mind their survival depended on them being able to read these cues.

Make sure there is a safe space/place for people to go when they feel overwhelmed. Set up expectations when you will enter the safe place. (safety) Let them decide what they would like in the space. (Within reason) Stuffed animals, coloring books, art supplies, etc.  Set up rules for the safe area, i.e don’t use other people’s things unless they have permission.

Encourage the system to communicate with one another. It can put you in a tough position if you are the go between and you don’t want to be drawn into internal conflicts.

Self harm can occur. Depending on the programming there can be numerous reasons for self harm. Remember self harm isn’t a suicide attempt. If you need to contact emergency services for assistance do it. Safety trumps their anger.

Respect their boundaries. If they tell you something is a trigger, they don’t want you in a certain space, they don’t want to do something, any appropriate boundary is acceptable. If you don’t understand, and you know the person well you can ask for understanding not to challenge their boundary. If you still don’t understand accept their boundary.

Healing takes years it causes harm when someone who has survived trauma is told they aren’t working hard enough, being told how they should heal, what they shouldn’t do and any form of pressure. The journey is their’s they need to navigate it at their pace.

Lastly as a support person you have to take care of yourself. This means making time for yourself and setting boundaries so you don’t become resentful, hostile or burnt out. You’re there to support them be and be their friend not their whipping post and enabler.  Be sure to do this as you must be healthy to support the person as they walk the long path of recovery and healing.

Don’t make their recovery about you. It isn’t about you. Statements like, “This is my purpose in life,” means it’s about you. You can’t ‘save’ them.  You can’t make your life about them and their recovery. Respect their therapy/therapist. They aren’t your therapist. You aren’t the survivors therapist.

Don’t spend all the time focusing on their past and how they should be talking about it and 'working through it.’ There is a time and a place for that maybe that person isn’t you. That doesn’t mean your not a person who has a life changing roll in their life.

People remember the positive things, the laughter, and how they feel when they are with someone. Healing takes laughter as well as tears. It’s alright to spend time doing 'fun’ things. Sometimes it’s more important.

The second part of your question; I can’t change the world, that would be like spitting in the ocean and hoping the sea level would rise. I simply do what I can, where I can, how I can and hope that helps people. The fate of the world is out of my hands. The fate of my life is in my hands. There are many things in life that I enjoy. I know good people who make me laugh, feel accepted, and we work towards good things in this world.

Oz