#dont even start on syscourse like its so bad in here

[our-inspire-verse]

I always feel so out of place even in system communities. Does anyone else relate at all??

Like, idk some system memes are cool and relatable bc obviously not everything is gonna line up, but so much of it doesn't click with us.

We've almost never been put off by the voices, we all wanna communicate, we don't think less of each other or think 1 deserves more front time than anyone else, etc. Idk, there's so many memes about denial and eating each other's food and all this distress. Which is i know, a major part of many system's lives. Part of what makes a meme is the repeatability and a lot of systemhood IS struggles in that area.

But what about systems who do everything right (in the sense that we have healthy coping and such)? What about systems who unconditionally love each other and dissociative barriers are something we work around instead of fighting? What about the systems who love the voices?

[hi-chae]

The Sorority Logs - #1 The Beginning

hello! we're the sorority! you may know me from @the-sorority-system and our syscourse posts but here is our more casual blog.

the details of this log will be our diagnosis journey, our thoughts on how therapy is going, and more. we need a healthy way to put these thoughts out. whether or not we're a disordered system will be determined in the future and will be in the contents of this log but we find this log to be important anyways. If I am disordered, cool, this will be a great way to detail our journey. If I'm not, this will help questioning systems figure certain things out.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE FROM THE STATE I AM IN WITHIN THE U.S. DO NOT see this log as a checklist of everything you need to do to get referrals / diagnosed. This is all within my personal experience and yours will be different. There is also a general content warning for doubting your system. is disclaimer will be put on the beginning of all of my posts.

The journey will be long... let's start

it all starts in... god i don't even know where the proper start is. was it in summer of 2022, where i had a mental breakdown so bad that lutz came in and took care of me? was it in summer of 2021, where i discovered the endogenic community and finally felt heard? only for that to be ripped from me in that same winter? or was it sometime in middle school, where i was "faking" DID because i thought it was cool but my members were never anime characters and i felt something physically change when i was them?

the answer is: i dont know. maybe it started in childhood when i made up a best friend named rachel or maybe it was far from that. i dont know. and im scared to know but also im excited to find out.

i live in an area where information about DID isnt exactly up to date. according to more experiences systems, not a lot of therapists know how to recognize it. and not a lot of therapists in general specialize in DID.

but im getting tested anyways. and im incredibly lucky to do so. because i got a referral to get a psych eval and im getting follow up tests in March. that should be exciting right? it is but... i dont want to be told my problems arent serious and they arent what i think they are and that the way i view myself is wrong. i feel like a lot of our identity focuses on how our brain works and its... terrible. i wish i could accept everything i was told i am but theres something deep inside of me who knows what i or we are.

no more thoughts. lets get some dates down.

end of November

i get my psych eval done. i dissociate the whole time while he asks me and my mom questions about my mental health. i think he notices this because he wants testing done on my dissociation. i feel relieved but also terrified. mostly because of my insurance.

DEC 13TH, 2022

in therapy, a protected little comes out with our permission. she cries and cries and babbles baby talk. our therapist can see our hurt and wants her to know she's doing a good job. but something feels... off. he refers to them as our core and talks about how she's actually a big kid who isn't who she actually is. she knows this isn't true. she cries anyways. she trusts him. thats a relief. but something still feels wrong. she continues therapy groups, still sensitive, still small, until we leave for the night, where one of us forces her to go back (she did a really good job). we process whats happened. it feels wrong, feels gross. we cant put a finger on it other than that we feel invalidated somehow. to some people we went to about how we werent who we thought we were. they comfort and reassure us. our biggest worry was that he didnt believe us but if he didnt believe us, he wouldnt have brought out that little. his information is just a little outdated, go figure. they suggest we go to him the next day to ask him to do more modern techniques

DEC 14tth, 2022

we ask him to go for more modern techniques and he said we would talk about it in our next session. we straight up ask him if he thinks we have a dissociation disorder and he says he doesnt think i do. he thinks i have very separated "protective parts of myself". it sends me into a panic. i ask a few people if they know if most therapists know how to recognize DID, because something felt off again. not a lot do, the more experienced system says. they press more and analyze that it seems like he knows he's out of his area of expertise and that his info is just really outdated due to the fact that DID used to be seen as MPD and there was a time where MPD was seen as "needing the inner child to be healed" (it also wasnt considered a dissociative disorder). that somewhat reassures me. what reassures me the most is hearing how if hes accepting of the idea to talk about it next session, he's willing and encouraging of it. if he avoids the topic, he's likely doubtful. more than anything, i want my experiences to be believed. im glad he believes me. and im glad i can believe that he believes me.

that leaves me with today, awaiting the next session. if im honest, im scared but hopeful. logically, i know i wont be invalidated in my feelings. his heart is in the right place and he wants to help and understand and believe in me. im nervous and he can sense that but i know whatever im going through, he's willing to put in the effort to see who the sorority system is.

[justanothersyscourse]

just need to vent, ig, but the whole endos/pg are cult like thing is making us rethink a lot of our past interactions with them, we found out we were a system through kin communities years ago, before syscourse grew into. whatever it is now, and we learned abt did/osdd and have come a long way with accepting our trauma/parts since. but something that has always been an issue for us has been our parts wanting to be completely seperate. this caused breakdowns and splits and all sorts of trouble. only recently through blogs like yours did we learn that that's Solely an endo thought process, that most did/osdd systems are like "yes, parts are different but are still part of a whole" and we're slowly beginning to accept that now, because we realize its important to acknowledge that to heal, and its already helping which is fantastic! i guess my point is that endos/pg and their whole "we are completely seperate people sharing a body" mentality is so so harmful, and its taken us Years to find this out?? and we Dont Even Engage with endogenic systems, we havent in years!! i feel like thats definitely a dangerous thing, cult like or not, to have their more dangerous ideals spreading beyond their specific communities? idk if this makes sense lol, again i just wanted to vent, and to also thank you for running this blog, it has been an immense help in our healing lately <3

This absolutely does makes sense! And venting is perfectly fine, I'm glad you reached out and I'm glad my blog helps!

It can be so, so harmful for people with trauma and dissociation to be exposed to misinformation like this. Agree or not, the fact of the matter is that people with DDs are highly susceptible to manipulation and misinformation (a lot of people are, not just DDs, but this is where I'm most comfortable commenting).

The parts/separate people argument is a really tough one. I don't even know that I'd say it's endo-specific. For people with DID/OSDD, before they realize they're a system, when they first realize it, and sometimes for years into their journey, alters can feel so separate and real and so different that it can shock almost everyone to be presented with the fact that they're parts of a whole. It's only the last few years that even I started to accept it.

I think people with DID/OSDD are more open to the concept overall. Endos, specifically spiritual ones, seem to reject the concept from start to finish, and they're so loud about it that it bleeds into DID/OSDD spaces in really harmful ways that can hinder recovery and healing.

Point is, don't feel bad if it's a concept you struggle with. I think everyone does, at some point, and many never stop struggling.

One of the best therapists we had didn't even try to bring this up in the beginning. I don't know if she sensed that we wouldn't be receptive to it, or if it was how she treated all her clients, but she basically told us, "Whatever term you prefer, alters, parts, people, personalities, souls, WHATEVER term, whatever you believe, the fact remains that this is the hand you've all been dealt. You're all here, now, in that body, and you'd best learn to start working together. Any single one of you could ruin it for yourself and the others, destroying the only life you have with one stupid decision. Like it or not, you need to learn to work as a whole, keeping each other in check and supporting each other."

It hit hard, and I think we really needed that firm hand at that point in our lives. She didn't argue with us over something we weren't ready to accept, instead kind of working around the truth in a way that made more sense for us and helped us start our journey willingly.

You can heal and break down those barriers without acknowledging the fact that you're not separate. It can certainly speed things up and can help people understand their disorder better, but sometimes you need to work backwards. Once you all start working together, it can be a bit easier to accept that you're parts of a whole-- which is how it happened for us, once we started acknowledging each other's trauma as being our trauma so we could support and understand each other better.

Hopefully my response made sense!