#im weeping such goals

[belladonnaprice]

.

[3416]

MITCH MARNER U ARE THE FUCKJDFKLJSDKLFJDSKLFKLJDSKLFJSDKLFJSD

[witchblade]

ill play elden ring now and i won't live blog it all annoying-like this time (lying on purpose)

[haechanniessgirl]

pretty when you cry *ੈ✩‧₊˚ y.jw

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

summary: you were always sensitive growing up, crying and weeping in your mother's arms over things in a way that few understood, until you met a boy, whose only true goal was to protect you, but failed in doing so as he got overwhelmed by his high school teenage years and left you behind

pairing ✧˚ · . yang jungwon x reader ( some enha members are mentioned )

genre ! established friendship, fluff and angst, arguments friends to lovers! word count: 3044

AUTHORS NOTE:: lowk hate this rip

italic text: flashbacks ( in case of confusion )

you cried a lot, as a child, often seen roaming around with tear stained cheeks, a soft red hue that circled your eyes, and a hefty pack of tissues stuffed away in your pocket. you never really understood why, but you just cried a lot. you were sensitive to the world in a way that few understood. you cried during happy moments, overwhelmed by joy, and during sad ones, consumed by empathy. kittens and flowers brought tears to your eyes, their beauty and fragility touching something deep within you for example.

your parents were often worried, constantly watching your every move, unsure why you seemed so fragile. they took you to doctors and counselors, searching for answers that never came. "she's just very sensitive," they would say, their concern evident. "there's nothing wrong with that."

but your sensitivity made it hard to make friends. other children found your tears annoying, not understanding why you cried so easily. birthday parties, school events, and even simple playdates often ended with you feeling isolated and misunderstood.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

you met jungwon on a bright summer day when you were both six years old. the playground was bustling with children, but you were content playing on your own, until a misstep on the jungle gym sent you tumbling to the ground, scraping your knee. ultimately tears welled up in your eyes, and you sat there frozen, feeling the sting of the cut and the embarrassment of falling. looking around you as you saw children eyeing you, your mother busy talking to another parent.

but a gentle hand tapped your shoulder, your mind reeling with emotions, until a soft voice called out for you "hi? can you hear me?", glancing up, a boy stood over you, expression concerned, but a warm smile appeared when you finally looked at him " are you okay? " he asked as he crouched down beside you, he looked about your age, he gently smiled at him despite the tears rolling freely down your face as you shook your head no. on cue, he pulled out the crumpled tissue that was peaking from your pocket and patted your scraped knee, shying away from your wandering eyes.

"you're pretty when you cry," he said timidly, as an attempt to cheer you up. you sniffled, managing a small laugh through your tears.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

from that moment, you and jungwon became inseparable. he had always appreciated your sensitive side, often finding it endearing. whenever you cried over a beautiful sunset, a touching movie scene, or even a kind gesture from a stranger, jungwon was there, standinf by your side, smiling softly and comforting you.

he promised himself that he'd never be the one to cause those tears, at least not the sad ones. he prided himself on being your protector, your steadfast rock in a world that often felt overwhelming.

" you know im not going anywhere right?" jungwon glanced over at you, giggling as he handed you a glass of water as you were preparing cup noodles together at your family home " you can hold me at gun point and i wont budge " , you rolled you eyes " yeah yeah i know, thank you" you replied as you gently grabbed the glass of water, taking a quick sip. " i promise i wont leave you either "

however, as you both grew older, you began to feel the weight of your sensitivity more acutely. you didn’t want to be seen as fragile or overly emotional. you yearned for a future where you felt confident in what you do, grow independent and become capable of handling your own emotions without relying on someone, that someone being jungwon. this, to you, meant distancing yourself from the past where you relied so heavily on jungwon’s comfort.

it wasn't that you didn’t need him; in fact, you needed him more than ever, constantly calling out for him in moments of distress whether he was present or not. but your need had transformed into something deeper, something more complex. you had simply fallen in love with jungwon, your best friend, and that love made you feel vulnerable. you were terrified of becoming a burden to him, of your emotions being too much to handle.

but you couldn't do it, you could never walk away from him, not when he had your heart in this grip of his hands. so you decided to deal with it. get over it and move on.

but he walked away from you.

as high school rolled around, the dynamic between you and jungwon began to shift. jungwon found new friends, often seen partying and going on every so often on social media, a large group of friends by his side most of the time. his natural charm and athletic abilities , he even made it on the football team, thus making him a favorite among students. despite this, you tried to maintain your bond, even as you focused on your studies.

you found out he made the football team about a month into the new school year, and despite the urge to walk up to him to congratulate him yourself like you usually do, you bit your tongue, watching him from afar, as his friends cheered, his smile so big, dimples so prominent, you havent seen him smile like this in a while, was it because of you? because of your constant saddened mood? because you're so sensitive it brings people down with you?

you opted to calling him that night, messages from you often left on delivered by him, so you refrained from that being your first option, and unlocked your phone and looked for his contact, you dialed his number, anxiously tapping your fingers on the back of your phone, waiting for him to pick up, again. beep..beep...beep... the number you dialed is currently not available, please leave a message after this beep. with a deep sigh, you tossed your phone beside you, he's busy again, you wondered, your heart ached slightly, was this it? has he finally left you? , you looked at your ceiling for a moment, fiddling the skin around your nails and cuticles, and opted to send him a message.

to wonie : hey won, i just wanted to congratulate you for making the football team! we havent talked since the try outs, please call me back whenever you can to catch up <3

as you tapped send, your gut feeling knew he was gonna take a while to answer, like he's been doing for the past month or so ever since school started. you knew you were being replaced, and part of you felt relieved that jungwon is finally taking a step back and letting you do things on your own, but this isnt what you wanted afterall, you didnt want him to completely disappear from you like the way he is now. you yearned so much for his presence, but these days its almost impossible to get a text back within the day or sometimes, within the week.

your eyes welled up with tears, fighting the urge to let them spill, the comforter that wrapped warmly around your body seemed to not comfort you anymore, the cold seeped in front within and you cried, wailed and sobbed for your friend, the promise jungwon, you promised to never make me cry.

but it wasnt officially over though right? you thought so, you needed to know, so desperately for an answer, was your friendship finally over? you werent so sure, it felt like it, but you wanted to ask him.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

to jungwon, his life took a new turn. after a particularly thrilling football game, he caught the attention of jake, one of the star players on the team. jake and some of his friends saw potential in jungwon and invited him to try out for the team. excited by the prospect of joining their ranks and eager to prove himself, jungwon accepted the invitation without hesitation.

from the moment he joined the team, jungwon's schedule became busier. he spent countless hours practicing, hanging out with the team, and participating in social events. the camaraderie and thrill of being part of the football team were exhilarating. he felt like he was finally becoming someone important, someone recognized and admired by his peers.

unfortunately, this newfound popularity came at a cost. jungwon found himself prioritizing the football team and his new found friends over you. he didnt mean to really, he often missed plans, stood you up, or simply forgot about the time you were supposed to spend together. each time he let you down, he felt a pang of guilt, but he reassured himself that he could make it up to you later. but he never did.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

shit, you were gonna be late for class, quickly walking over to your first class of the day, stupid alarm you thought, however, as you were so focused on looking at your phone, watching as time moved faster in the moment, you bumped into someone, dropping your phone in the process. cursing out quietly, and apologizing, you knelt down to collect your belonging, a quiet voice pulled you out of your wandering thoughts, the warmth that you held onto so dearly, but havent heard from in so long, stood before you " y/n?" jungwon titled his head, trying to get your attention " sorry i was in a hurry.. what are you doing? arent you supposed to be in class too?" you glanced at him, and then your phone, time was ticking, and you needed to get to class right now, but here he was, standing before you, for the first time in a week, " uh yeah i actually have football try outs in about 10 mins ...so i wont be in class today "

"oh thats true, i know you'll do well, uhm by the way.. i know you've been busy with training and all, but we missed our plans the other day, we can reschedule, i really i dont mind" you hummed, class soon became a second priority, you didnt mind being late anymore, now that you got to talk to jungwon face to face after a while. but unbeknownst to you, this might been the last time.

" im sorry y/n... i swear ill make it up to you, ive just been really busy, ill call you after school yeah? we can plan something then" he smiled, as he readjusted his bag that was lazily swung over his shoulder, " yeah, definietly, ive got to go, good luck wonie!" you smiled back, walking away, happy and joyful.

but that promised call never came, and that night you stared at your phone for hours, waiting for his name to pop up, and it never did. but you were okay with it, you can wait.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

jungwon's thoughts often drifted to you. he had always loved you, which was why he made all those promises and stood by your side through thick and thin. but with the overwhelming joy and busyness of his new life, he started to neglect your friendship. It wasn't intentional, but it happened all the same. He never meant to put you second; he just mindlessly went on with his days, you always in the back of his mind.

jungwon knew he was screwing up. He saw the disappointment in your eyes each time he missed plans or stood you up. but each time, you forgave him, and he foolishly took that forgiveness for granted. he was stressed with schoolwork and football training, and so he put you aside for now, waiting for the right moment to swoop you back into his arms and make it all up to you.

but that moment never came. he kept forgetting to text or call you back. He barely saw you at school, except in class, but even then, the distance was palpable. jungwon knew it was partly his fault, but he kept telling himself he would fix things soon. He knew he loved you, he was just stupid, overwhelmed, and lost in the whirlwind of high school life.

the more time jungwon spent with his new friends, the more he felt the pangs of guilt gnawing at him. every time he saw you in the hallways, your eyes catching his for a fleeting moment before you looked away, he felt a knot tighten in his chest. he missed the late-night conversations, the shared laughter, and the comfortable silence that only you can provide.

but as weeks turned into a month, the pressures of high school only intensified. football games, practice sessions, team outings, and the ever-present demands of academics left him little time to breathe, let alone rekindle a friendship that was slowly slipping through his fingers. jungwon told himself that he would find the right moment to make things right, but that moment always seemed just out of reach.

he was at a breaking point, and you swooped in, at the worst time.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

god were you scared, you woke up with a knot of anxiety in your stomach. the skin around your nails was raw and bitten off from a night of nervous fretting. you had replayed the conversation in your head countless times, dreading his reaction but knowing it had to be done. you couldn’t let this drift continue; it was eating away at you, and you missed your best friend too much to stay silent any longer. you decided today was the day you'd confront him.

you got ready for school, your hands trembling as you pulled on your clothes and brushed your hair. every glance in the mirror showed a face etched with worry. You barely touched your breakfast, unable to stomach anything, your parents glanced over at each other for the nth time that morning, worry evident " honey you need to eat" you mother hummed sweetly " im okay, thank you for breakfast, im heading out", and with that you walked over to your parents, planting a kiss on their foreheads and made your way out. the walk to school made you almost vomit, the familiar route felt strange and daunting, each step closer to the confrontation making your heart pound harder, and dread started to settle in.

at school, you found jungwon surrounded by some of his friends in the hallway, jungwon resting his back on the lockers mounted behind him, a soft smile on his face as the morning sun shined brightly through the hallway windows. the atmosphere was light for him, he was softly giggling at a banter between his jake and jay. you felt a pang of longing and hurt seeing him so immersed in their world, a world that had pushed you out. summoning all your courage, you walked up to them, your heart in your throat.

"jungwon," you said quietly, your voice barely above a whisper. "Can we talk?"

his friends fell silent, turning to look at you with confusion. none of them knew about the history you shared with jungwon, and their curiosity was evident in their faces. jungwon hesitated, glancing between you and his friends. for a moment, you thought he might brush you off, but then he nodded reluctantly and stepped away from the group.

you quickly led him to an empty classroom, the silence between you two thick with unspoken words. once inside, shutting the door behind you, you finally turned to face him, your nerves on edge. "jungwon, are we okay?" you began, your voice trembling. "i mean, are you okay? youve been so busy i barely get to see you anymore."

jungwon sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "i've been really busy with football and school. it's not that I don't care, it's just... everything's been so overwhelming."

"but we promised," you said, tears welling up in your eyes, you tried so hard to not let them pour out, let vulnerbility show in this moment, you needed to stand your ground. "we promised each other, i get that things are getting harder for you, but you cant be the only one complaining, please jungwon, why are you pushing me away? i never see you anymore, i never hear from you, and when i do, its days or even weeks after contact! why are you leaving me? why did you lie to me! ."

with his head in his hands, rubbing his face to wake up from the early morning drowsiness, jungwon's frustration boiled over. "I can't be everywhere at once!" he snapped, glaring over at you. "do you think it's easy balancing everything? i'm doing the best I can, and you're constantly blowing up my phone, calls after calls, texts after texts. i can't handle you and everything else at the same time, and maybe if you weren't so sensitive about everything, we wouldn't be having this conversation!, find someone else to bother"

the words cut deep, and you felt the sting of tears, using your own insecurities against you, was a new low for jungwon and he knew, but in that moment he didnt want to back down, he was hurt, that you accused him of being the villain, but he knew he was, he was most definietly the bad guy. "i just miss you," you whispered, your voice breaking. "i need you, jungwon and you know that too"

" i cant handle you anymore " he shot back, not realizing the full impact of his words until they hung in the air between you.

the tears you had been holding back flowed freely now, and you couldn’t bear to stay any longer. you turned and fled from the classroom.

jungwon ran after you, but you disappeared by the time he reached the end of the hallway, students peering out of classrooms to see what was going on, only to find jungwon stood, shoulders slumped, chest heaving and slowly he crumbled.

he had hurt you, deeply, he realized just how badly he had been treating you. the guilt and regret hit him like a tidal wave, and he knew in that moment that he was the worst person ever.

in that moment, he wished so bad, to turn back time, to tell you it was all a mistake, his mistakes, leading up to this moment, and tell you how much he loves you, the whole you.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

part 2 coming soon!

[meeks-just-wants-to-scroll]

I KINDA HAD THE SAME IDEA with the low honor high honor thing! Im currently figuring exactly in what way the story would change [granted it does involve one of my ocs so maybe a lot more than it should] but its fun to think in what way Micah would be 'better' or more loyal to the gang

I feel like he'd still pick fights in camp, but like in a way older siblings would. Its more teasing/bullying and shit instead of straight up slurs. Idk, might just be me NNXJXJC

I also think he wouldn't go out of his way to help someone if they asked him to, but he'd watch them continue to struggle with mayne like a gun to the point where he like has to get up and be like 'OKAY you are so pathetically shit at this - im going to show you how to do this and we're not taking a break until you shoot 3 targets in a row' or something

I dont think he'd willingly be vulnerable anytime soon based on his upbringing and shit, but iiii like to think it happens sometimes accidentally idk JXJXJC

Weep weep weep this is making me wanna explore what RDR2 would be like if Micah was a marginally better person (mainly what id he never ratted).

i am glad we have converging ideas when it comes to high honor micah! I’ve talked with mutuals before on wtf micah could do that could be considered high honor, and we came up with little. One idea i suggested is that he accidentally saved people)s lives through his own selfishness (ex: saves someone from rabid dog because “if i didnt kill it, it would have gone for me next.”)

Micah's high honor is selfish in a unique way compared to low honor. Instead of focusing on himself and his survival, it more becomes a common goal to keep the gang as a whole surviving. He is no hunter, but he can bring in money and be a daaaaaamn good shot. Guard duties are often reserved for Lenny and Sean and Charles and whoever else is free. Micah *can* go on guard duty but keeps himself out of that tiresome job by being out of camp and bringing in money. “Sorry, can’t got on guard duty, I just got back from a stage coach robbery and I want to enjoy my well deserved relaxation.”

he is still a snarky sounding piece of shit, but like you said, he is less of a full on hateful man. He is still a sly, observing snake and studies the flaws of his gang mates, but he keeps his fangs sheethed. The idea with the snake animal for high honor is that Micah is still as lethal and capable of assholery as he is in bad honor, he is just deciding to not. He holds his venom to be inflicted on those who the gang need (or want) dead. He also leans into the snake vibes by being a slimy slithering manipulator. He isn’t a charmer, but he has a skill for talking people long enough to get plans into action (or to just backstab the enemy).

i feel like Morgan would still dislike Micah for being a man with bad vibes. Morgan is also just a hater sometimes (look at how he perceives Kieran). Micah still murders and has bad plans like Blackwater so it’s not like Arthur has *no* reason to distrust Micah.

i imagine high honor micah makes an effort on occasion to be involved in camp socializing, Sean and Jack’s return for example. He mainly drinks and flirts with the girls and boys at the event.

and because i like the red vs blue honor color association of the game, Micah’s design would be a little different, making the blue in his design a little more present. A neckerchief is an example of blue, but i am sure more blue could be worked into his design somewhere. Idea is that the ratio of red to blue in character’s designs can allude to how honorable they are (though it is not a 1:1 visualization). I imagine Micah would be 1:3 blue to red. Maayyybe. One quarter an okay man, three quarters a pretty sleazy man.

micah is still deeply troubled soooo no sweetie pie vulnerability for him! At most he tries to flirt (like asking Mary-Beth to dance) and the people are 1-2% more polite about turning him down when he’s high honor. He’s still all alone and his prickly exterior deeps people at arms length from him. He is both deeply dependent on attaching himself to a gang/someone to follow (my hc), but he also aspires to be independent and run his own gang. I suppose in high honor, he hopes to earnestly stick with the VDL gang and rise in the ranks by impressing Dutch (because Dutch is kind of an easy man to impress when you bootlick).

[sukunasweetheart]

//just me venting about sukuna haters sorry

Not me seeing so much discourse about whether sukuna is a well written villain or not... he essentially has no backstory shown as of yet and we barely know anything about him but he is still one of the most naturally interesting and compelling characters in the whole damn series bro 💀 buckle up bc its about to get lengthy (im just glazing sukuna in this post ngl so 🧎‍♀️)

so many whiny ass mfs are weeping about how he "doesn't have any personal goals or a proper reason to be a villain" when that is the whole point???? He lives on his own desires and satisfactions and does whatever he wants to, because he is capable enough to do that. Mfs want "real villains" but cant even handle sukuna 💀 ive seen too many shit ass threads and poorly articulated "critiques" on his character that dont make any valid points. If you can't even separate your personal dislike of a character from your analysis of their writing, dont even bother posting that shit please 😭😭😭 the fact that we haven't even gotten any information about his background yet and people are jumping the gun about him being "poorly written" is already saying a lot 🤨

The fact that yall are so bitter and angry about him that you can write 500+ words about how oh-so-terrible of a villain he is kinda proves that he's doing his job well tbh 💁‍♀️

What also bothers me to no END is how people compare him with villains of other series, who had compelling sob stories that made people empathise with them. Thats nice and all but why should all villains have grand ideals and be subject to feelings of empathy/sympathy from their audience?

Part of what makes sukuna so interesting is how he's not tied down by morals, rules or long term goals in life. He doesn't limit himself, which is what makes him an unpredictable character. He's completely left behind what it means to be human in many ways, and he's clearly not a character written to be empathised with. He is very purposefully inhumane and distant from everyone else, and that feeling transcends from within the series to real life as well. There is a clear lack of understanding bc most of us can't comprehend what its like to just live without being goal-oriented.

Sukuna is a true anomaly in the sense that he doesnt really fit in any kind of box within the series. He's born from man, but its clear that he separates himself from humans (and nobody else considers him human, either). He's not a cursed spirit. He hovers between life and death. The narrator referred to him as the honoured one, whilst angel referred to him as the disgraced one.

These little contradictions in his character make him all the more complicated and interesting to think about. And even recently, he's been shown to waver a little bit momentarily in the manga, questioning his own irritation at yuuji. He's capable of self reflection, and though sukuna does whatever he wants for the most part, he doesn't blindly go into things without some thought first, he's a constant thinker and analyser, and an intelligent one at that.

And honestly, he is always such a joy to watch and read, his personality is so flavourful, and the way he carries himself is very attractive. He's not afraid to get messy or of getting hurt, theres so much chaos in the way he does things and yet he also has a huge element of gracefulness to him, which shines through the poetic way he speaks. Its undeniable that sukuna simply oozes charisma...

And this isnt talked about enough but this man is genuinely so effortlessly funny (in a kind of sinister way i guess?) Like yes he is an old ass man having real beef with one FIFTEEN YEAR OLD for very little reason, he accidentally healed yuujis arm and somehow expected him to be grateful for it despite how he literally ripped his heart out afterwards, then he proceeded to sit on him after kicking him down likeeee 😭 what kind of behaviour is this sir

His facial expressions at yorozus yapping 💀 THE WAY HE COMPARED YUUJIS FACE OF DESPAIR TO THE HARIMA STATUE 😭😭😭💀😭💀💀😭 omg that was so foul but i was fucking losing it ngl

How he randomly compared gojo to a fish and started talking abt his scales... thats a very unique and descriptive comparison, isnt it? Even in the recent leaks, he was 100% ready and squaring up to a literal child talking abt "youre starting to get annoying" LIKE HELPPP 😭 HE FR SAID "fuck them kids and fuck you too"

I saw someone saying that sukuna has no passion, like are we talking about the same character....? This man is a literal jujutsu NERD 💀💀 he truly recognises talented sorcerers and the only time hes seen to be having genuine fun is when hes fighting a mf... is that not passion? This is literally sukuna when it comes to jujutsu: 🤓

Anyway im done here now, im pretty sure i missed a lot of things i couldve talked about as well but ive done enough yapping

[trentskis]

One motivational post please 🤲

thank u anon i am so proud. last season we would've had our heads down after that opening goal and it all could've come apart. seeing the motivation passion fight and determination in these boys this season.. it's impossible for me to be disappointed in them. mac allister szoboszlai and endo fight with that same passion like they've been here their whole lives and that's why i love them. 120 minutes that we nearly got the win from while still missing some key players. some absolutely stunning performances within that game, the way our young players have come on makes me weep.. quansah was so brilliant today and bradley excellent too. with us bowing (admirably) out of this competition, we have the opportunity for more rest so we can go even harder to achieve our other goals which i think will really help. and then there's the love. harvey jumping into klopp's arms.. something u would never see from the other side because they don't have the LOVE amongst each other. and it carries us through !!! we still have sooooo much to achieve and im still really excited for what's to come and soooooooo so so proud ❤️

[yabagofmilfs]

Sorry I know you mentioned you have a million asks and no energy or interest in half of them BUT.. Geno's getting a divorce?! Or is that just speculation?

100% speculation but they unfollowed each other on instagram at the beginning of last season and have not refollowed, and there’s been a general decrease in family photos, etc. plus when anna was here with his parents at the end of last season she could not have looked less enthused about his goal meanwhile his parents were weeping lmao.

also sorry i didn’t mean to make it sound like i have no interest in asks! i’m just kind of having an exhausting go of it lately which has coincided with an uptick in asks. but im always happy to get them and will answer as many as i can!

[jaeyleo]

LOCKS OR KEYS PART 10

YOU CHOSE: SEND PINK TO HENRIK’S HOUSE

NEW OBJECTIVE: BE GOOD FOR PSEUDO

Chase has been pushed to the back of the mind, you are now playing as Pink. His goals are to be as obedient as possible. What are yours?

Masterlist.

Tag list (let me know if you’d like to be added or removed): @skid-row-seymour @welcome-to-the-whumpfest @the9645archives

CWS: hypnotized whumpee, brainwashed whumpee, captivity whump, two caretakers (one being non human), mentions of a non human whumper, mentions of injuries and torture, scars, let me know if i should add more! also my apologies if there’s mistakes, its so late and i almost lost it to the tumblr void ;-;

. . .

Pink’s mind swims with hypnosis. Dizzy eyes blink open to stare at the ceiling, a groan suppressing the nausea in his stomach. Everything in his body aches and burns and weeps in agony, but he cant be bothered with the physical discomfort. All he can remember is Pseudo’s test for his loyalty, and wonder where he is now. When he gets to go home.

His eyes fall from the ceiling to the dresser in front of him. He’s in a bedroom, and he’s tucked into bed, but he isn’t sure who it belongs to. He keeps observing the room for more answers, turning his head to find a man sitting at the side of the bed.

He startles, breath stopping in his chest. He tries to sit up, but his injuries implore him to stay laying on his back.

“It’s alright,” the stranger coos. “You’re safe, Chase. You’re safe now.”

Pink frowns hearing his old name. Is he in trouble with the stranger, too?

He wants to correct the name, tell the stranger that he’s got it wrong. For a while he just stares, more occupied with feeling something familiar with the stranger. Something in his voice, or maybe its his face. He feels a pit in his chest, like he loves this stranger, or did love him. Tears blur his eyes and the stranger reassures him again that it’s alright.

Pink shakes his head. He wants to ask where Pseudo is, but the thought is drowned. He hears laughter in the back of his mind. Fondness and hugs and wrestling and this stranger teaching him how to play chess. He feels empty spaces in his head where memories used to be. The tears spill over his cheeks and he covers his face, feeling a deep, horrible ache inside his heart. He loved this stranger. He cherished this stranger. He missed this stranger. But why can’t he remember who he is?

The man beside him leans closer, holding his hand and trying to pull him out of his crying spell. Pink wants to open his eyes to look at him, but the thought of feeling that ache again makes him sick.

Who is he? Who is he?

“Chase,” comes the stranger’s voice, firm and guiding. “Look at me.”

A string is pulled. The puppet obeys the command, and his lip quivers as the pain stabs into his chest. He wants to look away, but he can’t.

“You’re safe. You are safe. Breathe.”

Pink obeys. He tries to breathe, tries to look, but it hurts.

“Who are you?” Pink whimpers. He shakes like a leaf, hands coming up to cover his face. He leaves a crack in his fingers for his eyes, as the stranger hasn’t told him he can look away yet.

The stranger frowns, deep and grieving.

“Henrik. I am your friend.”

Pink feels another wave of ache hit his chest. He cries into his hand, staring into Henrik’s piercing green eyes. He feels so much love and so much hurt in the same breath.

“Henrik?”

The doctor nods. Oh! Doctor! Henrik is a doctor, Pink remembers that.

“Im- I’m h- having trouble remembering who you are,” Pink starts, and Henrik nods. He understands. “But I know I love you.”

Henrik bows his head. Before he looks back up again, he wipes his eyes, and holds tight his old friend’s hand.

“I love you too, Chase,” he smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He clears his throat to stop the shake in his voice from showing. “Can you tell me how you feel?”

“Scared,” Pink murmurs. He tries to sit up again, wincing as his friend gently pushes him back to the bed. He pulls the puppet’s hands from his face and wipes away his tears.

“Don’t be,” he replies, holding Pink’s hand awfully tight. The puppet doesn’t mind the pressure of it. “You don’t have to be afraid here. Not anymore.”

The puppet shakes his head. His voice breaks when he speaks.

“I need Pseudo.”

The two friends frown, but for different reasons. There is a heavy grief that weighs down the air, seeping into the walls, bleeding out of their minds. Henrik stiffens in his discomfort with the statement.

“…Do you remember who Marvin is?” the doctor tries to change the subject.

The puppet breathes, searching his brain for a face to tie to the name. It comes much easier than Henrik’s did, because he looks just like Pseudo.

“Ps… Pseudo’s brother?”

“Yes, yes. Very good.” Pink seems to calm down with the praise. “He is going to heal your injuries.”

The calm goes away again.

“No,” the puppet shakes his head. “No, I deserved it, he- he can’t..”

“Why would you deserve this?”

“Because I— I tried to leave him,” Pinks voice comes out weak and whining, threatening another spill of tears. “I was bad, bad, bad.”

“No, Chase. Especially not for escaping.”

“No,” Pink says, to everything Henrik just told him. It’s all wrong. Chase is wrong, thats not his name. Escape is wrong, that implies Pseudo was bad. His breath picks up in his chest and his heart thumps louder behind his ribs.

“You don’t understand, you don’t understand-“

The doctor shakes his head. “Chase-“

“Pink!” The puppet smacks his own mouth for yelling. That’s what Pseudo would’ve done. “My name is Pink..” he mumbles behind his hand.

Henrik just breathes. He’s overwhelmed his friend, overwhelmed himself. Chase isn’t the same man anymore.

“…. You want me to call you Pink?”

The puppet nods. It sounds like venom coming from Henrik, like each letter is another fang for the snake to bite with. Why does he hate it?

The doctor just squeezes his friend’s hand. “Okay.. lets focus on one thing at a time, yes? Okay?”

Pink nods, allowing the doctor to remove his hand from his mouth.

“Okay…. Even though you think you deserve them, you can’t keep these wounds.”

Pink opens his mouth to protest, but Henrik holds up a finger to silence him.

“Do you want to walk around?”

Pink nods.

“Do you want to eat? Get dressed?”

Pink nods, and nods again when he realizes he’s only wearing boxer shorts under the blanket. Henrik’s finger comes down to his side again.

“Then you will let Marvin heal you. Okay?”

Pink frowns. This doesn’t feel right. He doesn’t know what to say, so he stays silent.

Henrik takes it as agreement and tries to relax again. He checks his phone, types something in with his free hand, and sets it back in his pocket. A few moments later, a soft knock is heard at the bedroom door. The doctor gives his friend a reassuring pat on the hand and ventures to open it.

Pink feels many things seeing Marvin come inside.

First, the comfort of his familiar face. It is nearly identical to Pseudo’s, with the only differences being their scar placement, eye colors, and lengths of hair. While Pseudo’s is short and black with a white streak, Marvin’s grows long past his shoulders in deep black waves, stopping just before his navel. It’s a bit unkempt, but still shining and smelling of the flowers and dirt adorning his garden. As for their eyes, Pink has no trouble picturing the soft brown of his beloved caretaker. Marvin’s are glassy and pale, with irises and pupils that almost blend into his sclera. He was blinded a long time ago, with scars to show how.

After the comfort of recognition, Pink feels afraid. He doesn’t want his injuries to be taken away. He doesn’t deserve that. On top of that, Marvin feels like an old friend and a stranger at the same time, similar to Henrik. It’s confusing, overwhelming, and makes him miss Pseudo that much more.

Henrik closes the door behind him, and sighs a breath of… Pink can’t quite tell with the lack of expression on his face.

“Hi, Chase,” Marvin greets softly. His voice is soothing and low toned, in contrast to the bouncing and playful Pseudo’s. “It’s good to have you here again.”

Pink pulls the blanket up higher to conceal his bare skin and bandaged wounds.

“Pink,” he replies, pathetic. “My- my name is Pink…”

Marvin nods. He steps a bit closer, hearing the shift in blankets again. Much like Pseudo, he can hear the beats of human hearts. The filling of air in lungs, the bubbling and breakdown of nutrients in the stomach, creaking of joints and pull of muscles. What’s loudest, now, is the anxiety that radiates off the puppet like heat to a well kindled fire. Marvin takes a deep breath, and stops a few inches from the bed.

“Pink,” he repeats. Henrik’s brow furrows in response, but the puppet seems pleased with the idea of his request being respected. “Do you remember who we are?”

The puppet looks at Henrik, who has yet to move from his crossed arms, furrowed brow stance. Then to Marvin, who is gentle, and warm, and patient.

“A little bit,” he replies. “A little, little bit.”

Marvin nods again, sitting down in the chair Henrik once occupied. Pink feels a little more relaxed.

“I’m sure Henrik told you what I’m here to do…” he says. He tilts his head when Pink whines about it, and the puppet sees Pseudo in his mind’s eye. Part of him wants to make Marvin angry to see if he’d hurt him like Pseudo does.

“Please don’t,” Pink wraps his arms around himself. “I need them…”

“Dear.. I don’t think you’ll enjoy your time here with all of those..”

“It doesn’t matter what I- what I would enjoy. Th- they were a punishment, and— and, and I need to keep them.”

Pink glances at Henrik. He grips his sleeve so tight his knuckles show white. His pupils are pinpricks in his eyes. Why is he so upset? Did Pink do something wrong? He’s being a bad puppet again, isn’t he?

“You don’t,” Henrik seethes. “You need to heal. Let Marvin help you.”

A string pulled. The puppet frowns. If Pseudo isn’t here to guide him, he should follow the word of someone else, shouldn’t he? Pseudo wouldn’t want him to stop being a puppet just because he’s gone. This is a test, after all, right?

“…Okay,” Pink obeys, pushing the blanket off of himself. The cool air pulls the goosebumps out of his skin.

“Could you take a deep breath, Pink?”

The puppet obeys another command from Marvin, pretending it’s Pseudo giving it to him. Once he breathes in, he is overcome with warmth.

Warmth, warmth, warmth. The burning agony that once chewed away at every wound on his body is lifted, replaced with a gentle, soothing sensation, and then nothing at all.

He feels lashes on his back smooth over, a hole in his tibia piece itself back together. Bruises on his wrists and ankles return to normal color, a mouth that once was scabbed with needle marks returns to something that doesn’t ache when he speaks. He feels all his punishments wash away, with only the memories left to prove them. Pink breathes out, sitting up without groaning in pain. It feels wrong and good at the same time.

“Thank you,” he says, despite his inner conflict. Pseudo taught him to be polite.

“You’re welcome, dear..” Marvin smiles softly at him. He leans in slightly, speaking a bit lower. “Now, how does getting some clothes and food sound?”

Pink wraps his arms around himself to cover some of his scars. Henrik won’t stop staring at them, and he looks angry. Pink doesn’t want him to be angry. He nods in response. “It sounds nice.. nice..”

Henrik finally breaks his gaze from the puppets carved skin to pull out clothes from the dresser. A pair of black sweatpants and a pair of grey shorts.

“Which one, Chase?”

Pink frowns. Why is he in trouble? He thought he was being good.

“Which one do you want me to wear?” Pink tries.

“I want you to pick.”

The puppet starts scratching at a scar on his arm. Pseudo doesn’t want him to make decisions, yet here, Henrik does. He isn’t sure if he’s supposed to follow Henrik’s rules or Pseudo’s, Marvin’s rules or just try to escape. What’s part of the test and what isn’t??? What happens if he makes the wrong decision, if he’s supposed to make one at all???

Pink’s eyes water and he shakes again, eyes darting between his choices. Marvin steps in when he hears whats going on inside the poor puppet’s chest.

“Wear these,” he stretches out an arm to grab the first thing he feels in his hand, which is the black sweatpants. “Don’t they feel soft?”

Pink nods, trying to calm himself down by feeling the fabric. He looks at Henrik for reassurance, who gestures for him to put them on.

He stares at his friend while he slowly, slowly slides a leg inside. This. Feels. Wrong. He’s not supposed to get dressed by himself.

But he was given a command, and he must follow it. That’s what a good puppet would do.

Henrik doesn’t give him shirt options once the pants are on. Pink wears a grey shirt with a logo on the pocket that reads:

C. Barrens

Math and Science Dept.

Pink sighs in relief. He is dressed and following commands, and Henrik doesn’t look so angry anymore. If he keeps up this good behavior, maybe Pseudo will be back to get him soon.

“Let’s go downstairs,” says Henrik, extending a hand which Pink gladly takes.

. . .

The house feels familiar.

Pink recognizes the hallways as he passes through them. The faces in the pictures are blurry in his mind, but the shape of them tugs at memories buried. He sees a picture with three children, one with green eyes and dark hair like Henrik’s, the other two blue eyed and freckle faced like himself. Before he can focus too deeply on who they are, he is tugged off down the stairs, left to wonder who those little smiles belong to. Part of him wants to ask, while another warns of a grief he isn’t ready to face yet. He pushes their faces out of his mind as they approach the kitchen, which pours light in through the screen door to the backyard.

Marvin follows close behind them, a hand on the puppet’s elbow to ensure he doesn’t walk the wrong path.

“Sit,” Henrik says gently, letting go of Pink’s hand to venture to the counter. When he turns back, Pink is sitting on the floor, on his knees, staring up at him like a puppy waiting for a treat.

“Ah-“ the doctor’s face twists from the nothing to frowning and furrowed brows again, almost a cringe. It’s like Henrik only has two modes of expression, nothing, or unhappy. “Here, sit up here, my friend.”

Henrik pulls out a chair for Pink to sit in, and the puppet plants himself there without a second thought. His cheeks burn in embarrassment for following a command wrong, and he instinctively pulls at his hair to both punish himself and soothe the humiliation. Marvin sits diagonal to him to chat while Henrik fixes up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of strawberry milk. Pink smiles when its set in front of him, thanking his friend.

“Go ahead,” says Henrik, after Pink just stares longingly at his meal. “It’s okay, Ch… it’s okay. You can eat.”

“H- how? By myself?”

The doctor just stares at the puppet. “…Yes,” he finally says. “You can eat by yourself.”

Pink nods, and continues staring at his sandwich. With cautious hands, he picks up the food, and takes a bite.

Henrik nods in approval and the puppet takes it as a win. He takes another bite, and relaxes as the taste fills his mouth. Blackberry jam, his favorite!

Marvin stands and turns to the doctor. “Come talk with me,” he says. Henrik nods, then turns to his friend.

“We will be in the other room if you need anything. Don’t be afraid to say something.”

Pink thanks them, and his friends leave the room. He is left to hear their muffled voices for a few minutes. It isn’t until he hears his “in- trouble” name that he begins to focus on what they’re saying.

“She wants to bring the kids over.”

“No, no… he isn’t ready for that, Henrik. I don’t want to overwhelm him..”

“I don’t either. And I wouldn’t know how to explain to them why their dad is so different..”

Is Pink dad? Is Pink a dad?

“Dad, dad, dad,” Pink whispers to himself. He wants to take a sip of strawberry milk, but he wasn’t given permission, so he just takes a break from eating until he can ask. “Dad, dad, dad…”

It feels sad and warm to be called dad. He thinks about the freckled faces he saw in the hallway, and his heart aches. Did they call him dad?

Their talking soon comes to an end as Pink’s focus was spent too long trying to remember things he can’t. Things he shouldn’t. His friends come back into the kitchen, where both of them sit at the table to keep their puppet company.

. . .

When nighttime comes, Pink doesn’t want to sleep.

“What if Pseudo comes to bring me home?” Pink says, curled up on the couch while a movie plays in the background. Henrik tried to get him to pick one out of two games to play first, which sent him into a panic attack, so they ended up putting the tv on instead. Pink stopped thinking about why he was crying once the screen came to life with characters he watches with Pseudo all too often.

“He will not come here,” Henrik replies sternly. He sees the hurt in his friend’s eyes and softens, trying to hide the stress he’s feeling. He must not have puppets like Pseudo does.

“I will not force you to rest. If you want to stay up, you can stay up, yes?”

Pink nods in agreement, pleased to have yet another request granted to him.

“Thank you, Henrik.”

“No, no. You made-“ the doctor bites his tongue, stopping himself from saying what he was intending. Pink wonders what it was, but it would be rude to speak in between his keeper’s thoughts.

“Don’t worry,” Henrik finally says. “Let’s watch your movie, yes?”

“Okay.”

As time passes on, the two men grow more and more tired. Henrik refuses to sleep when Pink isn’t, but he won’t explain why. Another movie turns on when the first ends, and then another, and by the time the fourth movie is on, Henrik is fast asleep on the couch. It isn’t long before Pink follows, and the next time he opens his eyes, daylight pours in the windows.

It’s delicate and cool, as though the sun is just barely beginning to rise. Pink looks around the room to find no Henrik, and no Pseudo. A pang of disappointment makes him frown.

The puppet sits up to stretch, pleased yet guilty that he feels no pain in doing so. While keeping the blanket wrapped around his shoulders, Pink looks around the living room, observing, observing, observing. He hears muffled voices speaking in another room, and despite not having permission, he stands up from the couch. Henrik never really did say “stay,” so technically, he can move freely for now.

He wanders closer to the noise, while staying far enough away as not to alert Marvin of his presence. He finds that standing at the kitchen counter gives him the best earshot of what’s being said.

“He’s very hypnotized..” says Marvin. It’s harder to hear him with how quiet he talks. “It won’t work unless we can coax Chase back out of his mind.”

“Why? I don’t understand.”

“He has to want to fight for himself, too, Henrik. Otherwise we can only know Pink, and Chase is forgotten.”

“You can’t bring him out with magic? Or— or healing?”

“No. There is no reversing what Pseudo did. He has to make the decisions on his own… then I can help him come back.”

Pink’s brow furrows. He feels a heat in his chest, a pit in his stomach. Are they trying to being Chase back? He can’t let that happen. He has to obey Pseudo. This is his test, and he cannot fail. He wants to go home.

As his two friends continue their discussion- which leaves a sour taste in Pink’s mouth- a phone begins to vibrate on the counter. Pink looks down at it, instinctively following the noise.

“Stacey B.”

A picture of a blonde woman, smiling and sweet and beautiful. Pink gets butterflies just looking at her, oh, she’s gorgeous. He smells peaches and citrus and a bakery in Liverpool. Oh, God, and then the ache comes.

He looks at her and her pretty eyes, pretty face, pretty hair, and he feels like he should know who she is. So why doesn’t he?

The phone keeps ringing. No one seems to notice but Pink.

[prettybbychim]

oh im so excited to get confirmation on arlecchino's constellation/symbol

i've seen it as common census that she is the third symbol on the right side, but i could argue that it could be pantalone instead

from the left side counter clockwise, these are my thoughts including further explanation

plague doctor mask - dottore

heresy symbol - pulcinella/capitano/pantalone (tentative)

jester mask - pierro

shaman's/healer's hand - capitano (tentative)

marionette - sandrone

narwhal - childe

crystalfly - signora

doll - scaramouche

hand holding an object - pantalone/arlecchino (tentative)

weeping dove - columbina

crucifixion nails - arlecchino/capitano (tentative)

color code: green - pretty damn confident, blue - confirmed, red - confusion

to begin, heresy is roughly defined as a belief or opinion that is contrary/unacceptable by religious doctrine, or public / official opinion.

about pulcinella from commedia dell'arte, its said "he almost always appears in contradiction." however, following that line of thought, capitano always fits the bill. "when the turks seem to be winning, he will join them. when they are driven off, he will change sides again and boast about his loyalty and bravery."

about putting capitano as the shaman's hand and/or the crucifixion nails, it's more of a vibe than anything lol putting him on heresy was only because of his counterpart's description in the play, nothing else. i have no evidence of anything. i am not ashamed. natlan pls come soon i need this man

about arlecchino as the crucifixion nails, my initial thought process also had to do with the play. arlecchino is also known as harlequin. the name harlequin came from another story about a "demon" or "devil." as i'm typing this now, i realize this does not make a lot of sense because the nails have to do with the crucifixion of jesus christ and big JC is not a demon. but he's the antithesis of them so i mean, idk

onto the ninth symbol - it appears to be a hand gripping an object. on first glance, i thought it was a vial, such as the ones used for the essential oils in game.

however, it could also be an artistic rendition of a heart. this would be a direct reference to the pale flame set, in particular the sands piece, where it talks about pantalone's backstory. "the center of the world is a heart made of gold. [...] when the moment comes, that heart shall cease beating by our will alone."

considering that constellations are tied to one's fate, as a human man without a vision, his constellation could replicate that.

however, pantalone also tracks with the heresy symbol. as its speculated he's from liyue, his goals for teyvat's flow of money and currency as a whole, it would be considered heresy against his homeland's archon - rex lapis. (side note: i will do anything to see an interaction between the two of them)

primarily, i have seen this symbol speculated to be arlecchino's due to the appearance of the hand and the state of her own hands. what i have not seen is any further explanation on the decision. now, say it is an alchemy bottle: flaming essential oil = house of the hearth ? the house is in the palm of her hand etc etc i'm just not entirely convinced on that one either.

i'm not entirely convinced on any of these four. we have next to no information on capitano, and some bits on pulcinella, and a little bit more than that on pantalone...all this to say, i am nowhere closer to an answer than i was before.

there are a variety of ways i can see this being arranged but there's always one thing that does not align.

option 1: heresy (pantalone), healer's hand (pulcinella), hand gripping (arlecchino), nails (capitano) // how does pulcinella fit with that symbol?

option 2: heresy (pulcinella), healer's hand (capitano), hand gripping (pantalone), nails (arlecchino), // how does capitano fit?

or alternatively, option 3, same as before but: nails (capitano) and healer's hand (arlecchino) // how do either of them fit? besides vibes

and finally, option 4: heresy (capitano), healer's hand (arlecchino/pulcinella), hand gripping (pantalone) // how do they fit with those? and who goes with which one?

in conclusion, i do not know. huzzah !! i might have confused myself even more than i was before starting this post, but that's okay because maybe it'll help you understand why i so desperately want arlecchino's constellation confirmed

slurping up the harbinger crumbs

[osarina]

(uh, this is rlly long im so sorry qwq)

OMG THAT LAST CHAPTER HAD ME FEELING SM CARINA U CANT DO THIS TO ME !!!! LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW PARAGRAPHS IN I HADTA WALK AROUND BC I WAS SO OVERWHELMED I LOVED IT SM !!! N THOSE LAST FEW LINES. DONTDOTHISTOME I S A W THE "BEAST AU COMPLIANT" TAG ON UU IM GONNA SOB MY EYES OUT DURING IT I JUST KNOW !!!

gonna leave some of my fave few lines n my thoughts abt them from this chapter (ok these arent all of em, bc if i put all of em it'd be the whole 50k words of this series SO ITS JUST THIS CHAPTER)

"because how could he possibly belong amongst people who are so unfailingly good that it makes his tainted heart stick out like a sore thumb?"

STOP NO DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEEE throughout the whole fic u perfectly captured his thought process n how he denies his own capacity for change n how he HAS changed from when he was 18 BUT THIS LINE MADE ME TEAR UPPPPPP

"He is so completely and irrevocably in love with you that Dazai doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to live in a world without you. The thought alone makes his skin crawl and his chest cave in."

self-explanatory

“Are you calling me ugly?” 

u gorgeous, gorgeous man ilysm yes you look like a rat but i'll swaddle u up in blankets n clean u up

the whole graveyard scene. DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY HELLO

“You were a kid, Osamu. You’re not some incarnate of evil for ending up where you did, you were failed by all of the adults in your life,”

ok nvm crying this hit me like a truck

"Humans cannot live without a heart, so if he’s to give you his, it’s only fair that you give him your own—though realistically, yours has already been his for a long time."

i feel like this mightve been ur fave line, but if it wasnt IT STILL IS MINE BC OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD QWQ

ranpos lil rant was so funny he's literally me frfr

“Yeah… ha, look at us, in jail at the same time! Couple goals, huh?” 

i giggled

PLS READER INVITING EVERYONE JUST TO AVOID GETTING INTERROGATED UMMM RELATABLE LMFAO

these are just some of them BUT JUST IN GENERAL, UR WRITING IS JUST MAGICAL ITS EVERYTHING IVE EVER WANTED TO READ N I LOVELOVELOVEEEE THIS SERIES N ALL UR WORKS (n u /p) SM !!! I CANT WAIT FOR UNREAL UNEARTH, I JUST KNOW IT'LL BE AMAZING !!!

RED HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU NOT TO APOLOGIZE I LITERALLY ADORE YOU IM GOING TO WEEP OMG

honestly the first scene of dazai’s pov was one of my favs to write because it pisses me off so much whenever he’s excluded from the ada panels in the manga fjsjdjsjjd so i NEEDED the opportunity to hit home that that is his FAMILY idc what asagiri says the ada is that boys family and he deserves it 🥹🤞

UGHHHHH STOP BECAUSE WHENEVER I WRITE CANONZAI ITS SO HARD TO KEEP ON THAT THIN LINE OF HIS INABILITY TO ACCEPT HIS OWN GROWTH WHILE ALSO HAVING HIM ACKNOWLEDGING ODA’S LAST WISH FOR HIM SO I REWROTE SO MANY OF HIS POVS SEVERAL TIMES BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WASNT GRASPING IT ALL PROPERLY

the graveyard scene was one of the 3 scenes i started writing for 🥹 i literally was weeping when i finally got to it

AND ALSO THE YOU WERE A KID LINE UGHHHHHHHH BRO when i tell you that’s something that i literally want to scream at him and shake his shoulders like he was FOURTEEN WHEN MORI BROUGHT HIM IN AFTER HIS ATTEMPT !!!!! FOURTEEN !!!!! HE WAS A BABY IT MAKES ME SO SAD WHEN HE FRAMES HIMSELF AS SOME IRREDEEMABLE MONSTER WHEN HE ONLY TURNED OUT THE WAY HE DID BECAUSE HE HAD NO ADULTS IN HIS LIFE SETTING HIM ON THE RIGHT TRACK ugh im gonna weep again i will always be dazai’s #1 defender, i will fight him himself idc he was only a lil baby :’)

oh my god fun fact i actually almost deleted that line about the heart, i don’t even know why like i was rereading it right before i post and i second guessed myself because i was like ‘i don’t think it rlly flows’ but then i decided against removing it because i liked the line in general SO IM WEEPING AGAIB

bro ranpo needs a promotion for real the headaches this man must get because of people not listening to him 💀

HDOSJDJSJDJJD THE COUPLES GOAL LINE WHEN I TELL YOU I SNORTED WRITING IT HELPPPPP I WAS GIGGLING SO HARD

RED ILYSM IM BUNDLING YOU IN THE SOFTEST BLANKETS AND GIVING YOU A FOREHEAD KISS

i’m so excited for unreal unearth like honestly it’s my pride and joy, i’m so pleased with how my beast!dazai characterization has come out so far and i’m hoping everyone else is going to like it too 🥹 if not ill simply die HAHAH JK JK JK no but really i’m so very excited for it

[waterbottle2006]

could pls get an info dump on some of your Blorbos (ocs)?

you after literally being so cool, uh what? WHAT???? i have way too may ocs and ranting about them is like trying to open up a several tv shows worth of lore. (i have a document to explain like literally everything) but my lore is about my main character, venni, is just a highschool girl joining a hero group called the 4/Division Unit on complete accident (okay halfly an accident) and their goal is to protect the world from evils like my main villain team!

just an example of my villain team btw (this video is REALLY old) from right to left the characters in order are irene, neptune, surge, akuji, and marly irenes whole goal is to destroy the balance and cause the worlds of the light realm and dark realm to merge with earth so that everything converges and dies as a punishment for all things living. i would go into more detail but i'd literally start weeping but i DO have a document about everything, trust me, the document is easier to read first before i explain everything so much more.... the document trust me! you wont regret it! i love my ocs a lot like if im not talking about mario im talking about my ocs.

the whole concept of this lore was inspired from super paper mario actually. super paper mario has been my biggest inspiration and it ends up leading into my ocs and characters. irene was inspired by count bleck and venni was inspired by mario. dimentio has inspired a few characters and so did mimi. im just that nerdy.

[haechanniessgirl]

pretty when you cry part 2 *ੈ✩‧₊˚ y.jw

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

long awaited part 2!!!

summary: you were always sensitive growing up, crying and weeping in your mother's arms over things in a way that few understood, until you met a boy, whose only true goal was to protect you, but failed in doing so as he got overwhelmed by his high school teenage years and left you behind

pairing ✧˚ · . yang jungwon x reader ( some enha members are mentioned )

genre ! established friendship, fluff and angst, arguments, friends to lovers! word count:

AUTHORS NOTE:: sorry for the delay but here is part 2!! i hope you enjoyed! im gonna start taking requests, so please send me anything <3

italic text: flashbacks ( in case of confusion )

fuck , your heart felt like bursting through your chest. sliding down the bathroom stall door, you clutched tightly your bag that has now slid down next to your shaking form. you couldnt breathe, your eyes blurred with tears that continuously slid down your already stained cheeks, your other hand gripping the roots of your hair as you struggled to keep quiet.

the air felt suffocating, the bathroom stall sending you into a claustrophobic frenzy, the lingering bathroom smell making it even harder to breathe. your phone started ringing, but in that moment, you couldnt focus on anything else, other than the fact that you have officially lost your best friend, the only person that felt like home to you, your anchor through hardships in life, your person.

but no matter how hard you tried to ignore the constant buzzing from your phone, the screen illuminating every so often, it almost irritated you. for a moment, you looked boringly at the toilet in front of you, huffing at how pathetic you felt, but the endless stream of messages you were receiving once again lulled you out of your head space, and you hastily wiped your tears and turned over to your phone laid out on the floor. he had texted you, even called you.

you couldnt help but let out a forced laugh, so this is what it takes for him to finally contact you. your feelings were hurt, you felt like your soul had espaced your body, hell even your heart clenched at the mere thought of jungwon, but you had to look at his messages that were left notified on your phone, carefully not opening them in case you werent ready to answer him just yet.

wonie: im so sorry wonie: please, im so sorry wonie: i promise please, ill keep my promise, im not leaving you, ill never do that, im so sorry y/n, please answer wonie: where are you? i need to see you, please let me explain myself wonie: god even if you dont want to see me, please let me make it up to you, im sorry for hurting you, im sorry for ruining us, im so so sorry for fucking up so bad that i lost you 7 missed calls from wonie

you didn't want to continue, you felt incoming tears and stopped reading. he didn't want you anymore, he didnt want to be your person anymore, he didn't want to protect you anymore, and he made that so clear. but why now? why after a month? where you painstakingly waited for him, gave him the benefit of the doubt, continued to love him, despite pushing you away the way he did?

admittedly, you wanted to answer him, but you weren't ready, whatsoever, you needed time, to think this through, and it was your turn to walk away from him.

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jungwon sat in the cafeteria, legs bouncing, breathing ragged as he prayed and hoped to catch a glimpse of you, even a for a mere second. to desperately beg for your forgiveness, kneel down in front of you, to once again worship the ground you walked on, to love you the way that you deserved to be loved.

he couldnt think straight, his mind constantly replaying the image of you, of how the second those repulsive words left his mouth, you crumbled in front of him, how that being the first time he's ever seen so much despair and hopelessness paint your beautiful face.

he always thought you were beautiful, he admired you from afar so much that thats all he could ever think about, you. the way your eyes sparkle, the way you smile despite the tears running down your reddened cheeks. he loves you, with all his being, and he only now realized how irreplaceable you are. you mean the entire world time, and he's so in love with you, with your whole nature. it has always been you.

jungwon was lost in thought, until a feather-light tap on his shoulder pulled him from his thoughts. he turned quickly, hope flaring that it might be you. but it wasn’t. of course it wasn't you. It was jake, looking at him with concern. "hey, you okay?" jake asked gently.

jungwon blinked, finally taking in his surroundings, the table was quiet. his friends were all silently looking at him with worry etched on their faces, almost like they pitied him for looking so miserable. he hadn’t even realized he had been crying until jake pointed it out, by passing him a tissue. "do you need some fresh air?" jake suggested, his voice soft, a small smile on his face. "let’s take a walk."

he nodded numbly, allowing jake and sunghoon to guide him out of the cafeteria. they walked in silence, jungwon in the middle as he looked at the ground, until they reached the quiet of the school courtyard. the clear air helped clear jungwon's mind a little, only for a moment, but the guilt still weighed heavily on him.

sunghoon broke the silence first. "you wanna tell us whats going on between you and y/n? i mean we're worried, we've never seen you like this, and this is the first time we've seen you interact with y/n."

jungwon took a deep breath, feeling the tears well up again. he almost laughed, you, the love of his life, his person, was kept hidden from his friends, the one he cherished the most. it was almost funny to him, how your friendship lasted a decade, yet none of his friends have ever heard about you. he was a screw up.

"y/n and i have been best friends since we were kids." he began, sliding down the brick wall as he kept his gaze on the ground, "she’s... she’s always been there for me, and vice versa, and growing up, we had always promised to be there for each other. but ever since high school started, i’ve been neglecting our friendship, her. i got so caught up with football and everything else that i put her second. and now... now i messed up."

jake and sunghoon couldn't help but exchange confused glances, their concern deepening. "what do you mean" jake asked, mirroring the boy, as he slid down the wall and accompanied jungwon now slumped over his knees.

jungwon wiped at his slowly eyes, trying to steady himself, "she confronted me today, you both saw..." he continued, "and told me how much she missed me, how she felt like she was losing me. and instead of being there for her, reassuring her, i lashed out. i said things... terrible things. i promised to never make her cry, but i did, i made her cry, and she left."

he looked down, his voice barely above a whisper. "i love her. i’ve always loved her. but i fucked up, i fucked up so badly" he heaved, his chest so heavy with guilt that he couldn't shake the feeling off, despite finally opening up to his friends, the weight what was supposed to be lifted off his shoulders remained, almost weighing him down and he felt like he could be buried alive at any moment.

the air was tense now, as silence lingered, and for a minute, jungwon thought that he had messed up so badly, this even his friends couldnt help him.

but sunghoon was the first to speak up, momentarily, easing the boy, as he knelt down next to jungwon, a hand on the boy's shoulder to keep himself steady and not fall over, "you messed up, i wont lie to you jungwon, you royally messed up, but recognizing that is the first step. of course you'll need to make things right. if she means that much to you, fight for it" he sighed, " and you know her best, whether she feels like talking to you now or not, give her a day, pull her aside and set things straight. let her know how you feel, how much you love her" he continued, " you have nothing to lose at this point, won, go big or go home" jake chimed in, sending the boy a warm smile. " you can do it yeah?"

jungwon nodded, determination settled down on him, but he had this lingering fear that you wouldn’t forgive him, and it crushed him. he knew that laying it all down on you would give you insight into how he felt, and maybe then you would understand, maybe then you would come back to him. he was willing to wait for however long it would take, as long as he could be back in your world as your person, and you his. he never realized how painful losing you was, until it happened, until you walked out of that classroom, crying because of him.

he was ashamed of himself, looking down at the series of text messages he had left you, expecting you to have opened them, at least read them, but nothing. he was left on delivered and slowly his determination started to crack. but there was so much to fight for, to salvage, and he found himself revolting to even look at.

and for the remainder of the day, he looked lifeless, his body moved faster than his mind could think, going through the day for the sake of perfect attendance. however, he never paid attention in class that day, and sat in the back of the classroom, writing and rewriting his words, trying to find the right way to express his remorse and his love.

almost like how you prepared to confront him earlier that morning.

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you went home after the confrontation, much to your dismay despite hating the fact that you'd have to miss school. but you didnt know if you could handle seeing jungwon, fearing that maybe he'd turn away from you, anger lingering him. you wished you never confronted him, and maybe then things would be okay, maybe you should've been more patient with him. but you told yourself it wasn't entirely your fault, you still had self worth, but for the sake of your heart, you wanted desperately to salvage whatever you had left of your friendship.

upon arriving home, it was about 10:30 am, grinning slightly i have time to go back to bed and tell mom and dad i felt ill and couldn't go to school. and thats exactly what you did, carefully unlocking the door, you made your way inside, and quietly took off your shoes before tip toeing to your room and shutting the door behind you. only then you could breathe, only then you feel serene in the comfort of your room. but that only lasted a second before your mind replayed memories of you and jungwon, in this very room. you felt tears form, but you held it in for the first time that month.

quietly stepping out of your worn clothes, and slid on your pajamas from the night before. you crawled into bed, and closed your eyes. but you couldn't fall asleep despite feeling exhausted from all the crying you did earlier that morning. however you stayed put, refusing to go on your phone, worried that maybe another message from jungwon would appear and all hell would break loose. so you kept your eyes shut, until sleep took over.

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it was impossible for jungwon to fall asleep, the clock read 2am, and he simply couldnt shut his eyes, tossing and turning, and ever so often opening his chat with you to see if you had read his messages. you have, and you did for the most part. but he didn't know. it was eating him alive, every thought of you sent him spiraling down a rabbit hole, telling himself that this was it tomorrow, or more like today, where he could either win you back or lose it all.

he couldn't wait until morning. every minute felt like an eternity, and the thought of spending another moment without fixing things was unbearable. he knew he had to tell you how he felt, and he had to do it now.

with a sudden burst of energy, jungwon threw on a hoodie and a pair of shoes close by, and slipped out of his house, beelining toward your place. he knew the road by heart, he had taken the same route so many times, and the thought of you being so close by, made him run faster. while the streets were quiet, the world shrouded in the stillness of the early morning, the only sound were of birds, and jungwon's heavy breathing . his heart pounded in his chest from exhaustion and anxiety as he approached your house.

reaching your window, he noticed your night lamp was on, you were awake, he thought. and without a delay, he picked up a few small rocks and began to throw them gently against the glass, hoping to catch your attention without waking your parents. each clink of the rocks echoed in the silence, his breath held as he waited for a sign that you had heard.

inside your dim lit room, you were also wide awake, unable to sleep. the confrontation with jungwon replayed in your mind, the hurt and confusion making it impossible to find solace despite being in the comfort of your room. until you heard the soft tapping at your window, you were initially startled, choosing to ignore it, stupid wind you thought, but the soft clinks never stopped, and frustration took over your body and you jolted out of bed to check. and then you saw him, standing there with a desperate look on his face, close to tears.

your heart skipped a beat, were you imagining things? are you still lucid or was this the result of a fever dream? you reasoned with yourself that maybe you were hallucinating, and that you were just tired. but it looked all to real, the cold night air hitting your face, as your hair blew in the wind. you hesitated for a moment, your heart heavy with the weight of everything that had happened. but seeing jungwon like this, so vulnerable and earnest, you couldn’t ignore him.

“jungwon, what are you doing here?” you whispered, but loud enough for him to hear, trying to keep your voice low to avoid waking your parents.

“please, y/n,” he said, his voice trembling. “i need to talk to you. i couldn’t wait. not when i havent explained myself, not when ive ruined us, please, let me in.”

his eyes were filled with such raw emotion that you couldn’t turn him away. you frankly yearned for his presence, and despite you telling yourself that you weren't ready, you nodded and quickly ran downstairs, unlocking the back door, letting him in. the exchange was quick "go upstairs quietly first, ill lock the door and get you a glass of water" you hummed, while he nodded and headed upstairs.

you took a minute to breathe, not noticing the fact that you held your breath the second you opened to door, and slowly made your way to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and filling it up. your mind was blank, not a single thought.

while jungwon made it safely to your room without causing any disturbance to your parents' slumber, he noticed small changes to your room, like how your bed was now pushed into the corner, or how you reorganized your shelves. but what remained untouched was the images of you and jungwon, pinned to a cork board. he stepped closer, and looked over the images, memories flooding in, and he felt himself shaking, tears forming once again. funny how he's the one crying despite causing this severance in your friendship.

his thoughts were pulled away from him when you entered the room, shutting the door quietly behind you and setting the glass of water on your nearby vanity.

turning around to meet your gaze, he stepped closer, his hands trembling. he couldn’t hold back any longer. tears streamed freely down his face as he reached for you, pulling you into a tight hug. “i’m so sorry,” he sobbed, his voice breaking. “i’m so sorry for everything. ive been horrible to you, i never meant to hurt you, but I did, and I’m so sorry.”

you felt his grip tighten as if he feared you would vanish if he let go. the weight of his apology, the sincerity in his tears, broke down the walls you had built around your heart. you couldnt help but hug him back , your own tears flowing freely.

“I missed you,” you whispered, your voice choked with emotion. “i needed you, jungwon. you were all i had" as you gripped his sweater.

“i know,” he replied, his voice filled with regret. “i know I messed up, but i love you. i’ve always loved you, i love you so much, and I was caught up in my own life to see what I was doing. please, forgive me. i’ll do anything to make it right.”

you pulled back slightly to look into his eyes, seeing the depth of his remorse and love. “i love you too, jungwon,” you said softly. “i always have. but you hurt me, so so bad.”

“i know,” he said for the nth time that evening, nodding through his tears. “and i’ll wait as long as it takes. i’ll prove to you that you mean the world to me, and i’ll never take you for granted again.”

"i've forgiven you the second i saw you at my window won" " you've always looked so pretty when you cry "

in that moment, you both were overwhelmed by the depth of your feelings. jungwon leaned in, his lips trembling as they brushed against yours in a tender, hesitant kiss. it was a kiss filled with the pain of the past, the promise of the present, and the hope for the future. you responded, your arms wrapping around his neck, pulling him closer. the kiss deepened, becoming a silent vow of love and forgiveness. when you finally pulled apart for air, you rested your forehead against his, both of you breathing heavily, tears mingling with smiles.

"stay with me," you whispered, your voice barely audible. " i don't want to lose you again."

"never," Jungwon replied, his voice resolute. "i'll never leave you again."

wrapping his arms around you, pulling you down with him onto your bed. you lay down togethe holding each other tightly, as sleep started to take over. the warmth of his body against yours brought a sense of peace you hadn't felt in a long time, slowly lulling you to sleep.

as he looked over you, your head rested on his chest, he gently stroked your hair, his touch so soothing. "i'm so sorry," he whispered again, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

"i know," you murmured. "we'll get through this, together."

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[nerves-nebula]

I don’t know about everyone else but uh I have prosopagnosia so trouble visualising faces, and so I’m better at assigning concepts to people.

Easily, I associate you with three things:

1. Conceptually: Floppy disk (don’t wear my glasses so your pfp looks like a floppy disk)

2. Identity: The vast expanse of space in an intricate, veiny type system

3. Physically: A grotesque but melancholy weeping angel, very tiny, more stone and angel than human aside from hyper realistic eyes. I think also there’s raw meat on the inside.

I don’t know how that makes you feel or what that means, but uhmn… congrats on the…. ascension of the corporeal fresh prison in my mind’s eye? I gues? It’s certainly less of an association and more of just how I think of you at this point which isn’t usually the case. So. 👍

congrats on the…. ascension of the corporeal fresh prison in my mind’s eye?

YESSSSS NERVES NEBULA NUMERO UNO!!!!!!! 💥💥💥💥 POW POW POW 💥💥💥💥

Physically: A grotesque but melancholy weeping angel, very tiny, more stone and angel than human aside from hyper realistic eyes. I think also there’s raw meat on the inside.

new transition goals just dropped ayooooo!! im very Raw Meat coded this year so this form is fantastic!

[glacialswordsman-a]

" im sorry i .. " she holds a familiar coat and delusion in her hands, looking down at them before up to kaeya himself. " i've heard how close the two of you were and it didn't feel good to just leave this in inazuma. " the traveler glances away before taking another step forward. " my condolences, brighella " \ points @ u bc u knwo what this is

Brighella had heard of Signora’s mission out in Inazuma, had heard that she was on her way to assist with the Delusion Factory’s productions, as well as attempting to obtain the Raiden Shogun’s Gnosis. He knew the woman was capable; powerful. Much stronger than he could ever be. He was confident in her abilities just as she was, and knew that she would be just fine in Inazuma. She always made it out safely and returned triumphantly.

However, this time, there was nothing from her. Normally, Kaeya would have received something from Rosalyne to update him on how things are going. The two kept up correspondence, often checking in on each other and sending each other little gifts, with her sending him more than he does with her. He always tries to keep up, but over and over she continued to spoil him.

As though he was her own.

Their relationship had been rocky at first, funnily enough. She didn’t trust him. Called him a rat after finding out he came from Mondstadt and constantly upturned her nose to him. Yet, something shifted one evening, when she had heard quiet sobs coming from his room within the silence of the night. He was still healing from his burns, burns that she had seen span across almost the entirety of his right side. He was hurt by someone he loved, that much was clear, from how devastated he appeared and the sound of his heartbreaking weeps. She didn’t enter his room to console him or comfort him, but from then on, she was gentler with him. She still called him names here and there, such as ‘brat’ or ‘whelp’, but it was no longer biting or scathing as it once was. In fact, it was fond.

After that, the two grew closer, and Signora often dragged him out of the palace to join her on some simple missions, or so she could take him to go shopping. It irritated Pantalone, as well as Pierro, beyond belief. Pantalone, because that was his charge that he picked up from Liyue and that he wanted to bond with more, and Pierro because that was his disciple he had been mentoring.

It was…strange, to Kaeya. He’s heard that the Harbingers were scheming, manipulative, untrustworthy. Granted, they still were, yet somehow, more than likely due to Signora’s presence around him, they didn’t really bother him. Some of the Harbingers still didn’t even bat an eye at him (Arlecchino, Pulcinella, Capitano, Sandrone, Scaramouche)—or just outright harassed him (Dottore). He was terribly confused by it the first few years he’d been there, yet he had slowly come to learn and accept it. It was difficult, as he initially allowed himself to be taken in by the Fatui after his fight with his brother Young Master Ragnivindr in pursuit of learning more about the Delusions. He had a goal in mind, to infiltrate the organization from within and try to put a stop to the manufacturing of those cursed objects. Somehow, though, he got trapped.

Not because they caught onto his schemes, but because he had people that genuinely seemed to care about him. Childe, the Fair Lady, Regrator, Damselette, the Jester (sort of), but also some of the agents such as Lilya and Alina. Once more, he was living a lie of his own making, as he surrounded himself by the warmth of what could be another family.

… Yet, all good things must come to an end, right?

The sight of the Traveler approaching Kaeya, carrying Rosalyne’s coat and delusion, had him suddenly freezing in his spot. Literally. Ice crept up along his legs and down onto the floor, keeping him rooted in place as his hands froze over, a layer of cryo encapsulating them as the temperature around him considerably dropped. As she spoke, the sound of her voice grew distant with every word, growing muffled within his ears as his hands shakily moved to slowly take Rosalyne’s possessions into his own hands. No… No, surely, she’s still okay? Surely, she just—she just, defected, and gave the Traveler her things to remind him of her?

But Kaeya knew that was impossible. Signora was devoted to the Tsaritsa, and would never abandon her cause.

What really sealed the deal was the Traveler’s latter statement.

‘My condolences, Brighella.’

All too suddenly his eye welled over as he clutched and clung to Rosalyne’s belongings tightly against himself, his breathing erratic and his entire form shuddering violently. Crumpling onto the floor, he curled in on himself and began to wail, his howls haunting and his tears torrential as he buried himself into the fur of the Eighth’s coat.

Four years may not be long enough for someone to grow so attached to another and see them as something of a parental figure, but it was plenty and more to Kaeya after he had lost Crepus and Diluc. After he no longer remembered his own mother’s face or voice. And so, he mourned for her as he did over his mater, as he had then come to see La Signora as his mutter.

[inkofamethyst]

December 17, 2023

Really kind of adore stories with parent figures fighting to find and protect their lost child (figure) while that child simultaneously grows up to become someone no longer in need of protecting! Broken Earth, The Witcher.. would love to find more books/series with that element, I think. Currently developing my reading list (finally starting some Sanderson!) and thinking about switching to Storygraph... only thing is that it's not as heavily utilized among my friends so I wouldn't necessarily be able to keep up with what they're reading. I suppose I don't necessarily want to be a "follower" in my friend group when it comes to doing a good thing, especially not with something that's ultimately a fairly inconsequential switch. Maybe that's a winter break goal.

You know what's wild? Last year one of my labmates took the class with this final project I'm working on right now, and she was in a group of three or four. That's a pretty solid amount of manpower and brainpower for a twenty page paper (plus 10+ pages in supplementary material). I'M LITERALLY DOING THIS ALONE. Same assignment. All by my lonesome. Will I get there? Ya I think so. But STILL.

[days later]

DONE.

Is it the best thing I ever wrote? God no. And that's a shame because it could have been really good had I not taken off two days last week. But it's done.

I hate writing introductions with all my heart. Everything else is fine, but orienting my audience to a topic? I'd rather skip that bit, honestly. So yeah. My intro kinda sucks. I think it picks up when we start talking about the basis of the work at hand, but it's otherwise pretty boring. Citations very spotty, with an overreliance on one source (even though i skimmed a ton of papers n even took notes too).

ngl kinda sucks bc it's going to my advisor and I know I could've done better ("but why didn't you" BECAUSE I WANNA GO HOME. OKAY? IM TIRED OF THIS PLACE. IM TIRED IN GENERAL. god i cant wait to get home)

not even going to mention how much little sleep I've gotten over the past 48 hours ugh.

can't even be thankful that it's over bc imma be anxious all the way up until i get that grade so.

im so bad at projects. bad at spacing things out. good at the planning. bad at the doing. decent at the crunch time. (the same sad song i weep every semester tbh.. "something's gotta change" yea yea yea)

well i dont want to go out all negative--im pretty proud of the future directions section. they came pretty naturally to me actually, and i think it's a bit of a testament to some of the growth ive had ~as a scientist~ this semester. thinking experimentally is still not easy, but i think i'm grasping some things related to my discipline which is good. thankful for that ig. also pretty happy with the discussion, I think my conclusions were pretty solid and interesting.

if-i-coulda-woulda-shoulda :/

[edit, next morning afternoon: so uh, i was anxious about the paper wile writing it and took an exedrin because of the anxious headache i got over it and the caffeine in the pill amplified my anxiety and that did not feel good at all]