#im working on something really elaborate thats gonna take a couple days

[datingdonovan]

hq boys falling for a manic pixie dream person

in which you are the manic pixie dream.

inspo: I was listening to Portland by Bowling Shoes while cleaning

a/n: so this is the manic pixie dream person as in like, 500 Days of Summer and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. aka like, kinda sad story, emotionally unstable, and not that romanticized. leaves a lot. lol. I'd elaborate on my thoughts about mpdp tropes but this intro is already long so uhh send me an ask if you want to hear bc I could truly go on lol.

length: ~2k

warnings: yeah i wont lie this went to way darker places than i wanted it to and it became a lot about the manic pixie dream trope and relationships in general as a performance hahahhaa soooo this has real life angst along with the fluff. some scenarios work out and some don’t. sorry to be too honest. im literally becoming the ceo of emotionally damaged reader i dont know what else people expect. anyways off to the races.

shockingly matches your energy. I mean this man is down to do anything, anywhere, anytime. you say the word and he’s there. starts asking to pick YOU up for random trips in the middle of the night and signing YOU up for couples kickboxing classes, and you bite your lip every time he calls you at 2:55am, not believing you found someone who can keep up with you but simultaneously scared you might be falling a little too hard. one night, he drops you off at your door, and you know the tables have turned too far. all of a sudden, he’s holding your hands and asking you to move in with him and your heart is in your throat knowing you just can’t. this is fun, but that’s closer than you ever really want to be.

➽➽➽hinata, atsumu, bokuto, lev, goshiki, noya, tanaka

same energy match as the above but bonus points because he’s so aware of what you’re doing. he does it to the people he chases, too, probably more than he’d like to admit, and with the two of you together, it’s gonna be mind games to the finish to see who falls in love first. real twin flame type of deal because you both sort of know you’ve met your match, and maybe if even one of you could just let down your walls, you’d find that it’s really something special to be together with someone else who is as smart, wacky, interesting, bold, and shockingly blunt as you. this one’s open ended. are you gonna take that chance or not? and even if you do, is he gonna be open enough to reciprocate? or will he just shut you down like he does everyone else?

➽➽➽TERUSHIMA!!!! I WILL SCREAM IT FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TERUSHIMA!!!! (i’m sorry but who else is thinking about @applepiekyuu’s fics??? I can’t help but believe he would do this bc of the way gwen writes him!!! she writes my fave terushima ever), also feel like this could be tendou, with walls up and a sort of snarky calculated way that he goes about relationships

finds it really refreshing to be with someone who’s flippant with him, who doesn’t see him as some bigshot like all of his fans. it’s not as much about your antics. the relationship is more marked by the fact that you could care less about how what you do affects him, and somewhere in the back of his head is a little voice telling him that’s not a good sign, but it’s drawing him in like nobody else has in so long. it’s like falling in slow motion. he can see every red flag and every time you hold your real self back from him and he just ignores each one, knowing exactly where this is heading. Im thinking on the way down except you don’t catch him and he does fall right thru. wow this is actually maybe the saddest one because he sees the whole thing happening and just has this stupid hope that maybe it’s not gonna end that way, maybe he can change you, maybe he can really get you to you like him enough to make you stay.

➽➽➽OIKAWA. I know he’s the only one but im just getting EXTREMELy strong vibes thats all

isn’t phased by you. for whatever reason this man is a stone cold chiller. he’s really relaxed and down to earth and honestly finds your little act kind of weird and intriguing, but in a mostly disinterested way. sure he’s into you but he’s not swept up in the manic pixie hype. Im getting vibes of him just sitting on the couch doing something else while youre actively trying to show off for him or seduce him or whatever and he’s just. i guess it’s not that he’s not impressed but it’s that he’s not really interested in your trying to impress him. he’s like… what are you doing you weirdo. just come sit with me. you’re probably totally weirded out by this bc it’s sort of the opposite of above—rather than you not being starstruck by him, he’s not starstruck by you, which is something you really don’t experience a lot and have trouble figuring out how to handle. and i think how this ends really is in how you handle it. are you gonna exit stage left the second you realize he’s not swept up in your allure or are you gonna end up chilling right there next to him and finally letting your guard down? news flash i think this man could literally change your life if you allowed him to chill you out and give you a no judgement space to be your real self

➽➽➽MATTSUN, makki, semi, aran, fukunaga, iwaizumi. maybe Osamu??

tries really hard to pretend he’s not into it, but you’re pushing all the right buttons and he’s like, the perfect candidate for this type of thing. kinda sulky or uninterested or tsundere or sadboi whatever he is or whatever you want to call him he is SO into it. I feel like ive truly read countless fics about these guys doing exactly this already like the classic picking up your phone call in the middle of the night and really trying to be angry but just feeling so excited to hear your voice no matter what stupid thing you’re asking him to do. over the course of you nagging him and teasing him and forcing him out of his comfort zone, he goes from glares to smirks to soft smiles to actually enjoying the out of pocket adventures you take him on. but i think for you this is about you intriguing him, you going out of your way for him, you wanting to unlock him, and he’s just basking in that glow, always the one being let out of his shell without much give and take between you. when you leave, it’s abrupt, and it’s because you’ve had your fun transforming him, but he’s still no match for your chaos, and you need to find someone who can bring that energy to the relationship, who can entertain you sometimes, instead of it always being the other way around. and honestly, in the aftermath, i dont think you helped him as much as you thought you did, because maybe all he learned from this experience was not to let anybody in like that again.

➽➽➽TSUKISHIMA, yahaba (ok i know he seems out of left field but i can see him being like cocky and unamused and just… breaking down into a simp omg), SUNA, kenma, kyoutani omg, kunimi, sakusa, maaaaaybe kageyama if you could somehow get him interested in the first place hahahaha

falling way too hard. these are the ones you really probably wouldn’t expect to enjoy the manic pixie thing but oh man i am gonna speak from personal experience on this one guys like this they just let their guard down waaaaaay too much. they’re really fairly stoic and sort of intense decision makers in everyday life, but when they’re alone with you, that all just goes straight out the window. you’re such bad news but they just dont see it coming at all. they’re so distracted and SO enamored with every wild idea you suggest, and they’re sort of also scared out of their minds, but they’re on top of the world like they never have been before when they’re with you, and maybe most of all they just don’t want to lose you. of course, they inevitably get to the point of wanting to settle down with you. how could they not? you seem like the perfect person! but when that hint of commitment starts rearing its head you just become a totally different person. like omg have you seen Gone Girl??? where the whole thing is sort of the guys being like, where did that sweet sexy person go? I thought you would always be like that??? and the love interest is like… um… the act is part of the fun of it all. but eventually it ends. this was truly something but im not in it for the long haul. sayonara suckers

➽➽➽DAICHI, YAKU, weirdly getting daishou vibes here hahaha, hoshiumi and kindaichi maybe too?? SHIRABU. UKAI JR. ushijima, aone

ok i personally love this one. he’ll admit it. whatever you’re doing is very sexy, and he’s endlessly intrigued by you, but he’s no dummy. he knows you can’t really be like this all the time and he so badly wants to figure you out. this one really verges on sort of a protector role, like he can see the way you’re bending over backwards to be this exciting person and he doesn’t understand why. studies you when you’re not watching, trying to get a sense of what you’re actually like. and the worst part is that he really likes what he sees. you’re attractive, and fun, and you carry yourself with a real confidence and self-assurance when you’re not so concerned about how you’re being perceived. he wants to show you that you can be you around him, and he’d like that person just as much if not more than the persona you put on when you know he’s watching. and it’s so hard because he has to be so careful about it. he kind of agonizes over it. he wants to know you for real, and love you for real, and understand what makes you act this way, and handle all the baggage that comes with it. together. but if he oversteps or changes his demeanor for even a second, he knows you’ll pick up on it and disappear. please don’t disappear. please let him be there. I swear those moments with him would change you.

➽➽➽SUGA, ennoshita, kuroo, kita, AKAASHI, HIRUGAMI, im also putting yamaguchi ikejiri and asahi in this group with the caveat that they’d have to be emotionally mature and have the bandwidth for it bc honestly i think they have enough emotional issues of their own lol. finally this is out of left field but koganegawa. he gives me very strong vibes of someone who would want his partner to be totally at ease and themself, and i think he would be in the hyper excited category until he suddenly one day realizes how one-sided the relationship is and he’s like wait… the vibes are off... and investigates...

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

I want it all Calum Hood x Reader

Summary: reader gives him space while he is on tour and Calum starts to worry.

A/N: alright so I got this from the kissing booth 2, so yeah lol. I usually know what to type in here but I somehow lost how to do it. anyway hope you enjoy and remember feedback is always allowed! love you all! also sorry if this is too short.

Calum had been leaving for a tour and you just knew every inch of you was going to miss him, you had no idea how the distance would affect your relationship, but you knew that you would have to give him some sort of freedom when he was doing something that he was so passionate about. You trusted him with all your heart and knew he would be as loyal as you were back home.

As he was packing he had asked for your help, you didn't really know how to act, so you just stood quite, cal noticed the small change in your attitude, you were more quiet and this worried cal that tour might be a dealbreaker for you and change your mind but you were actually the complete opposite. You were very proud of him and the band and the support you had was all there, you were just going to miss him which was normal since he was going away, but you didn't want to be that clingy girlfriend.

Cal stopped with what he was doing and was the first to break the silence, “hey, you alright love?” he said as you looked up with a frown, “yeah im okay, why?” you asked as you placed his clothing in the suitcase and he took your hands in his, “i just, uh you seem kinda distant since i told you i was going away for tour,” he said as you sighed, “sorry i didn't mean it to seem like that, i'm just gonna miss you is all cal, i’ve honestly never really experienced this ever, sorry-” you said as he cut you off softly, “no- it's okay, sorry i forget that sometimes, i'm gonna miss you too, so much, you are it for me you know that, i'll come back to you. I promise.” he said as he placed you on his lap as you smiled and pushed his hair out of his face, “i know you will bubs, and i will be here waiting for you, you're the only one for me.” you said as he smiled and took you in a hug wanting to be close to you, close to the point where he could feel your heartbeat.

Ever since he left, your days would go on much slower than usual, you had duke with you since cal wanted you to have some company and you were okay to watch him as well so he could work without worrying. Him leaving for tour wasn't the first time, but you still needed to get used to it. It was normal to have the need to want to see him but you didn't want to bother him while he was one tour. Of course you messaged him about duke and let him know how he was doing, you didn't really talk about yourself or about him. There was some constant communication within one another but it was small and cal wanted more. He didn't know how to ask, but he wanted more than the small texts you were answering. He had even talked to the guys about it wanting some advice. He was worried you were going to break up with him because of the distance.

“I don't know how to ask her i want more, i feel like i established what we are when i left,” he said as ashton nodded, “did you two talk before you left?” he asked as cal shook his head, “no we didn't, things were fine the way i left, we are fine now, but i'm just worried something is gonna happen..” he said as luke and michael were both in on this conversation, “like what?” michael asked as cal sighed, “what if she's breaking up with me, thats why shes not talking to me” he said as luke shook his head, “maybe she's giving you space like, having you worry less about what she may be going through,” ashton said as luke elaborated, “yeah she might think that traveling and going on tour is enough on your plate, she doesn't want to be a bothersome or clingy. Not saying she is, but this is probably what she feels or thinks.” he said as michael nodded, “yeah i agree with that, you two just need to talk and you need to reassure her and tell her what you want and what you are.” he said as calum nodded knowing that he would call you after the show.

“What if she doesn't want to, what if she doesn't answer” he said as ashton spoke, “well text her before hand, tell you her you want to talk before she goes to sleep.” he said as michael nodded, “ask her about her day and stuff,” he said as luke nodded, “yeah and then bring in the conversation,” luke said as cal nodded.

After their show he had called you but there was no answer, nothing from you not even a text back. You on the other hand had seen the phone ring but of course thought the absolute worst and didn't answer the call. The messages, yeah you saw them, again you didn't respond. It was around 12 at night and you were starting to feel guilty about not answering and you texted him first reading the text.

…

Hey dovey, just wanted to let you know I'm calling you after my show, so hopefully you will answer. @9:00

…

I forgot the time zones were different, so it's fine. I'll try to call you when you're either free or not sleeping. Love you. @10:34

…

Hey, it's fine no worries, talk to you soon love you and take care. @12:01

Honestly what could you say. You didn't know what to say at all. You didn't want him worrying about you. He had his tour and that's what you wanted him to focus on. His tour. That's it. He could worry about you when he got back. Your mind would keep telling you to leave him be and to not be clingy so you listened to the small voice, but you didn't know how much it was affecting Cal that you weren't talking to him.

It Sounds so weird to say, but I mean you didn't want to be that clingy girlfriend who just always talked to her boyfriend 24/7. You didn't want to ruin his tour experiences by you always being there. Which was one of the reason why you didn't go on tour when he had asked you if you could come. To be frank you had saved sick days, but you didn't want to bother him, you didn't want him and his friends to feel weird with you being there, even if all their girlfriends were going.

You were at work just finishing up some emails as normal as you saw your phone light up with calum’s name on your screen.

Hey dovey, whats up?

You looked at the screen and just went straight back to your computer not wanting to answer fast and making you seem like you had missed him a lot, again your overthinking brain was doing the analyzing and not you. A couple minutes later it had vibrated again and you got into the chat but didn't type you just looked at the message.

You there?

You sighed and you were contemplating on what you should do, you thought just call him and talk to him, but a part of you was telling you to not call him since he could be busy.

Seconds later your boss came towards you as you frowned, “hey you have a phone call from your dad called, he said it's some family emergency and urgent” she said as you were quick to your feet wondering why your dad called you at work knowing that he had your phone number.

“The phones over there,” she said as you nodded and walked over to the office and picked up the phone, “hello?” you said as you heard his voice, “whats going on with you?” you heard cal say as your eyes went wide as you coughed, “what- what do you mean dad?” you said pretending to be shocked as you looked over at your boss as she looked at you with worry, “why aren't you texting me back.” he said as you tried to find an excuse to leave you alone to talk to cal.“oh-what? That's terrible horrible news about...Aunt...Pepper.” you said as your boss looked over at you, “is everything okay?” she asked as you looked at her with a sad look, “no, uh could i have a moment in private?” you asked as she nodded leaving you in the office alone as you were brought back to the situation, “why are you pretending to be my dad?” you asked as he sighed, “it was the only way i could think to get you on the phone” he said worried as you sighed, “oh that is not true” you said as he shook his head, “no it is true, you barely call and when you text, you send these weird two-word text messages, like you kno, “take care” and “talk soon.” he said as you sighed and he thought the worst wondering why this was happening, “are-are you breaking up with me?” he asked as you were quick to respond, “what no no no no! The opposite.” you said as he spoke back, “then what? Why? Why are you ignoring me dovey?” he asked as you exhaled, “cal, i..i don't know, well i'm trying to be mature and not come off as some clingy girlfriend,”  you said as he frowned, “y/n, i told you i wanted to make this work,” he said as you sighed opening up to him, “yeah i know but people always say that when they leave. I guess I'm just giving you space. you know for tour and stuff, i don't want to bother you with texts and facetime calls.” you said as he frowned, “space for what love? I don't want space, I want you. I want you all around me all the time. I want you right now with me” he said as you smiled at his words.

“Im sorry cal, i miss you a lot, i want you here with me too, i'm sorry i made you worry.” you said as he took a breath in, “don't be sorry dovey, i love you okay? i want you to check up on me with text and facetime calls. I want it all even if you're clingy, I don't care, I want it. You're my girlfriend and I'm your boyfriend aren't I dovey.” he said as you nodded as if he was there, “yeah you are.” you said as he smirked, “i'm your what?” he asked as you rolled your eyes, “you're my boyfriend.” you said very peachy as he chuckled.

“Now just text me alright, i don't care what it is as long as it something from you, it can even be a meme, but i want you to text me okay?” he said as you giggled, “okay i will,” you said with a smile as he spoke again, “i'm gonna call you after my show, i want to talk to you before you fall asleep.” he said as you blushed a little, “alright i'll be waiting bubs.” you said as you said your goodbyes and ended the call.

Despite your overthinking brain you were left reassured that this man was going to be in your life forever no matter what and the unconditional love will always be there. Cal knew this as well, probably since the first time he met you. You two were perfect for one another and there was nothing that could tell you two otherwise.

[alright--okay]

you ever been to a basement show? pt. 1

tsukishima kei x reader

summary: Tsukishima sees you everywhere, and for a big school thats weird. And it’s not like he’s gonna do anything, that’d be even weirder, but one day in your shared lecture he sees you wearing a shirt with some small band’s name. A band he know. And well, now he has to know who you are.

word count: ~1.5 k

a/n: this is college au where Tsukki is basically into really indie/alt music and so are you so you guys start as like concert buddies/friends and grow as more. I started this a while ago and have been posting to ao3 but I’m trying to find motivation to write more so imma start posting to tumblr lol hope anyone reading enjoys <3

read on ao3!

pt. 1 Polite Company - Rainbow Kitten Surprise

Tsukishima saw you everywhere, it didn’t make any sense. If the University of Tokyo was so big, why was he seeing the same girl all around campus?

Particularly in his one stupid archeology elective. The class was a joke compared to everything else he was taking but it gave him a break from his other more intense courses and he wasn’t about to refuse the opportunity to slack off. You were not only in the large lecture portion of the class but also in his recitation, meaning he saw you three times a week, not including the glances he caught of you just from walking around.

And he wasn’t stalking you (he swears), it’s just that you were … everywhere. Sitting in the last row of the lecture hall (just a few seats to the right of him), waiting for the TA outside the classroom for recitation (usually on your phone), or doing work in the student center as he passed through (always with your headphones on, always).

He had no clue who you were. You most probably weren’t an archeology major like himself, he would have seen you in the intro classes or any of the higher-level courses. Yeah, Tokyo was big but he could at least recognize some other people in the major, and he had never seen you in the three years he had been attending the University of Tokyo. Or at least didn’t notice you before, but that also seemed unlikely.

Today was no different. The lecture portion of the course was a little too early for anyone’s liking, so Tsukishima went to take his usual seat in the back row, ready to half pay attention, half play on his phone. You were already there, headphones atop your head as you continued to look at your phone, the faint sound of music escaped the padding by your ears but it was too muffled to make out an actual beat.

Tsukishima said a quick “excuse me” as he moved to step over your legs and bag on the ground. You remained quiet, giving a polite smile as you tucked your legs in, attempting to give him more room to pass. That’s when he caught sight of your sweatshirt. Normally he paid no mind to what you, let alone anyone, was wearing but the bubbled blue outline of the word “Forests” gave him pause. That was a band. That was a small band. How the fuck were you aware of their presence.

Tsukishima quickly made his way past you as he realized he really shouldn’t be staring at your chest (even if it was just to read your sweatshirt, he swears). He tried to nonchalantly maneuver his way into one of the old lecture hall seats a few down from yours before quickly pulling out his phone.

No way is it the same Forests, he thought as he brought up the band’s website and quickly scrolling through there merch.

Starring back at him was the same fucking sweatshirt. That meant you knew this band, this tiny band. He was so used to being alone in his music taste. Akiteru only listened to what was on the radio and Yamaguchi entertained Tsukishima when he went on rants about music and bands, but he didn’t really listen to any of it. Tsukishima had come to accept that his music-listening experience was mostly gonna be reserved for laying in his bed alone, staring at the ceiling, and absorbing the lyrics. This was fine, he could still enjoy the music just fine. But … you knew some of his music.

~~~

Tsukishima tried to ignore the thoughts of you. He didn’t know you, you were a random person who just so happened to maybe, possibly listen to the same type of music as him. Who cares?

It was a little later in the week and Tsukishima was making his way to the recitation for this stupid elective. The TA, as usual, was late so Tsukishima made his way over to the wall to wait, his own pair of headphones supplying a flow of music.

When you made an appearance from around the corner, Tsukishima couldn’t help the extra attention he paid to your clothing. And god fucking damn it. That was a Mom Jeans shirt. There was someone who listened to the same music as him. Or at least similar. But that was enough for Tsukishima to decide he wanted to talk to you.

To yama:

i have a situation

From yama:

oh ?? care to elaborate ?

Tsukishima paused. This was weird, wasn’t it? He had never interacted with you besides the time he had to move past you to get to his seat. And the lecture was huge. Nobody talked to each other unless you were already friends or were in desperate need of notes. Tsukishima was in neither of those situations.

To yama:

okay so theres this girl and before you say anything no im not trying to ask her out but she was wearing a shirt for a band i listen to

From yama:

that you listen to? not to say youre some hipster indie boy…. but you tend to listen to v obscure music

To yama:

yea i know that thats why im kinda freaking out like do i say something?? and if i do say something what would i even say

From yama:

go for it !! if shes anything like you she probably doesnt get to talk about music much either so just bring up her shirt or something itll be fine tsukki

To yama:

yea ill think about it

Tsukishima put his phone away as someone held the door open for him. Apparently the TA arrived sometime while he was texting Yamaguchi so he quickly made his way into the classroom, taking a seat a few rows behind you.

He would talk to you.

Just not today.

~~~

After the recitation the day before, you had pushed your headphones back onto your ears as soon as the TA was finished and made your way out of the room, his eyes following as you did so. Tsukishima had gone back to his apartment only to be further interrogated by Yamaguchi. What band? There were multiple bands? Did he know you? What class was this again? Are you cute? That’s where Tsukishima cut him off, moving into his room to attempt some work.

It was now Thursday morning, meaning it was time for the second half of the lecture. He was gonna do it. Tsukishima was going to talk to you.

He walked into the lecture hall, you again were already sitting in your seat at the back. Tsukishima (calmly, obviously he was calm) walked over to your seat and sat beside you.

~~~~~~

Who the fuck was this guy?

Yeah, you had seen him around, but he never talked to you, or anyone else in the class for that matter. And yet here he was, sitting next to you and gesturing for you to take off your headphones.

“Can I help you?” you said, complying by slipping the headphones around your neck.

He took a small, almost hesitant pause, “I noticed your shirt the other day, you listen to Forests?”

Your eyes grew slightly wider, “You know who they are?”

“Um, yeah and I’m not used to people listening to the same music as me so I thought I’d … I don’t know … say hi? Introduce myself?”

“Well, you haven’t done a very good job on that plan so far,” you paused to give him a small smile, “just saying.”

Tsukishima gave you a smirk of his own, “Hi,” he emphasized, making you smile wider, “I’m Tsukishima Kei. And you are?”

“l/n y/n,” you replied, smile still in place. “So you listen to Forests. Anyone else I might know?”

Tsukishima paused for a moment, and you knew exactly what he was thinking. Bands you listened to every day were not necessarily what everyone else listened to (which let’s be real, understandable), so replying to a question like this meant either replying with more popular bands people had likely heard of or going full-on obscure and have the person stare at you in confusion. But after a moment, Tsukishima responded with his own small list.

“I know a couple of them actually,” you saw his mouth give a small uptick, probably not used to that response, “what-” The two of you were interrupted by the professor being the lecture, but you quickly turned back to the boy at your side, now in a quieter voice you asked, “what were the names of the other bands? I’ll look them up.”

Tsukishima slowly listed them off again as you typed them into your phone, excited to see what this random guy in your lecture listened to.

Time passed slowly as you and Tsukishima put your attention back to the material at hand, but as the class came to the end and the two of you were packing up your things, your mind drifted to the coming weekend.

Yeah, you just met the guy, but it couldn’t hurt to ask. He seemed kinda nice after all, and he’d probably be into it.

“Hey Tsukishima,” you called to get his attention, “you ever been to a basement show?”

[theskyexists]

ive bought harrow the ninth and am now attempting to reread act 1 so that i may understand it better

ianthe clearly proposes that Harrow not get herself killed trying to bring Gideon back - reading it over again. instead to take the future and somehow?? be really powerful together and forget about their cavaliers. but harrow says no

im once again struck with how offhand this book introduces the concept that the empire goes out to deliberately kill planets over a couple of generations

now im not sure....there also seems to be an implication that there’s no aliens - because they say only humanity has a soul - but client planets were said to rebel - i guess the human colonisers rebel against central solar system command sometimes? but then what enemy does the Cohort fight? possibly it’s just bigotry that they think aliens dont have a soul

but like - they find LIVING PLANETS and then - kill them slowly. to the extent that they need to move the entire population. WHAT? why do they do that??? just so they can do some bone tricks???!

what the fuk

so how did the planets get murdered again? and which solar system planets could really have been said to have had enough life to have a soul?? cos like, only one of them is really known for that

why did God give Harrow the choice to go back home TWICE if he was never going to let her?

once again, why mess with the Hand candidates if God was always gonna come for Cytherea? just to mess with him more?

yeah - harrow keeps hearing and saying ortus ninegad but the rest of the world remembers gideon.

Harrow truly is totally mentally shattered AND time is totally fucked up

but sometimes in the fake-ish timeline Harrow remembers but doesn’t remember Gideon - like how she notes that there were two womb-bearing members of the Ninth who were the right age...but only elaborates on herself

for some reason - Harrowhark remembers Ianthe’s arm ripped from her by Cytherea - but now it’s whole. for some reason

that letter is still so what the fuck

‘like you did the last time’ - hm harrowhark sewed Ianthe’s lips shut? how did she come by the power?

is ianthe - calling Harrowhark God?

throughout the first act, they keep referring to time, having too much time, or not mastering time, or not having enough time, ‘this time’ etc.

the eggs you gave me all died - that’s DIRECTED at Harrow, is my theory

ok but the planet revenants come after Lyctors and also God (- God became God when? at the Resurrection) before the Lyctors happened - God was still at Canaan House - despite the Revenants already coming right...

is Teacher criticising god and lyctors for leaving Canaan House lol?

ok so yeah Canaan House WAS part of a ‘last sacrifice’

ok so - Harrowhark is a little resurrection miracle. This implies that God killed a lot to resurrect the Houses.

wow God is being a very dad to Harrow

Blood of Eden - BOE - they turned their back on the solar system. now they hate necromancy. in other words - when the solar system died, God resurrected it - but before that point some humans had fled - lived. and they can see what absolute fuckin horror necromancy is ACTUALLY

so what im getting is...maybe...god resurrected humanity by killing the planets...?

i just realised that Ianthe has taken Gideon’s place as the smartass in the room - the counterweight to Harrow’s portentousness

what the fuck do augustine’s comments to Mercy mean???? why is she unloveable? why would he say that God doesn’t need her? and why is it obscene that Augstine calls God John? What is the dangerous game she’s playing? What was the foul implication??

‘Then that is your downfall’ OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Harrow BURN!!!

what i don’t get is - the Cohort is an army - when they land they die because they’re being killed by an enemy at the front - NOT in pure sacrifice for thanergy. so why does only the death of humans and planets produce thanergy. why is the death of the enemy not good enough? they don’t have fuckin souls?? they MUST be complex life. and doesn’t a planet produce a constant stream of thanergy? but i guess it’s not dying enough - generally its life maintains itself in ecosystems.....unless a fuckin lyctor ‘makes the juice flow’ i guess!

sometime in the next book there IS gonna be a ‘are we the baddies’ meme. muir loves memes and she stuck skulls on absolutely EVERYTHIGN. Like WHY THE FUCK would you colonise planets if you gotta kill them for it? LOL????

huh? augustine just said that they can’t use necromancy when in the river - but mercy mocked harrow for having hypothermia ? implying her fundamental failure was not being able to necro while in the river? Harrow’s inability was what was wrong partly right?? oh no ok it’s how Harrow tried to compensate for her body going lights out while in the river. alright. that was written confusingly

how and why is this a completely different story???

The Sleeper.......is Harrowhark? the suit is too close to what she was wearing killing the asteroid. and the sleeper is lying on ‘something’. oh they just straight up say it lololol

ortus got into trouble 19 years ago...hhmmmmm wasn’t Gideon 19??? huh? which is why Mercy started at Harrow’s peculiar YELLOW eyes that Harrow can’t see herself i think

‘i do things face to face’ ortus says after stabbing harrow. HUH? why go for a stab if decapitating would have done the job? just to give her a small chance to fight back? (face to face?)

why not tell God that ‘his’ attack dog is trying to kill you?

why does Ortus the First want me dead? ‘who?’ ---uh. has she forgotten him completely (time shit) or is she saying the wrong name? mercy wouldnt reply like that then right?

she told him and he’s like - oh well guess you gotta just get through repeated almost-successful attacks on your life. ???? THANKS GOD!!!

‘you, with your unfortunate memory for poetry’ HA! i love how we are reminded that she knew all the fuckin damn books nearly by heart which is insane!

Teacher suggests his dying at least three times a day?? hahaha what?.........................is this purely a meme reference. is that meme the mental image im supposed to have of Teacher??????????? is this trying to say that this meme was preserved in the amalgamation of human life that is Teacher?? oh my god....

no.....palamedus and camilla....did old Harrow really kill them.....

seems like all the murders were consensual maybe?

it’s probably too straightforward that Harrow created and alternate timeline and made for a Harrow Lyctor without Gideon dying and kicked her to the original? maybe she took Ianthe and Coronabeth with her bc she needed Ianthe’s help

is this Cytherea or Dulcinea? Pro seems real this time. why does Dulcie call Pal and Cam strands and cords?

did muir put in a fuckin secondary school S - muir’s just like - im gonna put in all the memes as a nod to ancient human culture

still no idea what the messages are that Harrow is getting

This Harrow is so goddamn sick. I mean she was sick before, but at least she had Gideon. Really do feel that that helped her. now she didn’t have that -- AND she’s getting slapped with trauma another five times

if ortus can undo the thanergy of her own bone then why not simply crumble HARROW into dust? cos there’s a core of thanergy fusion in her that he can’t undo?

FLKJDFKLJSDLFSD fucking IANTHE ‘Wow! Not how I imagined this happening, at all.’  FUCKIN HELL

Harrow with her fucking fucked up dramatic inner monologues about weakness and Ianthe comes in with this shit. she really is doing Gideon proud here.

Did love Harrow’s musings about how only a truly idiotically obedient Cavalier would be the only one to keep to a vow of silence. HAH! nice one muir

‘have you taken the time to rest lately?’ asks God, YOUR FUCKING SAINT IS TRYING TO KILL HER IN THE FUCKING BATH YOU IDIOT AHAHAHAHA

JEZUS FUCKING CHRIST - try and be normal Harrow! try and make some soup and read a book! Harrow: *does and then hyperventilates hidden under her bed after 86 hours of zero sleep*

she was trying to remember what cutlery did. why is this so goddamn funny hahahaa. this book has ONLY been Harrow being in extreme states of misery ALL THE TIME both mentally and physically to the point of death

GOD IS HAPPY THAT SHE MADE SOUP AND DOESNT EVEN FUCKIN NOTICE SHE’S NOT SLEPT FOR A WEEK SOMEHOW THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS SHIT

thats what you fucking GET you piece of shit god! you push a prodigy teen to the brink and she fuckin explodes your lyctor and feeds you her fuckin marrow. maybe you shouldn’t have ignored her goddamn fucking understandable distress

SHE FUCKIN HITS HIM WITH THE FUCKIN TRUTH what an IDIOT of a God. he truly doesn’t understand mortality anymore huh

I LOVE HOW MERCYMORN CONTINUES TO MAKE HARROW YOUNGER IN HER HEAD AHAHAHAHAHAHA she’s only nine years old!!!hahahaha

naturally God focuses on how - wait- actually harrow is truly an INSANE necromancer - INSANE

still no idea what the fuck is going on in the not-past

aww. ianthe’s scent soothes harrow now. begrudgingly of course.

i thought this was gonna be lovely angsty harrow/gideon but naturally that did not happen

harrow is comfortable! first time in the whole book! one moment of comfort!!!

‘love my twin, also murder’ tridentarius pffjlfjdljf

‘how i crave your honeyed words’ hah

wow this scene sure is weirdly sexual with these similes lol ‘as though she had shyly undressed for you’ ok there Harrow you about to chop her arm off calm it probably sex repulsed thirsty teen

i do love how....there is this theme again that’s everybody underestimating the main character - who is actually a prodigy. Gideon had that with the sword and Harrow also has it with being a Lyctor now

it’s so telling that these Saints would rather be shits to these babies than help Ianthe grow a new fuckin arm

i dont see why Ianthe can’t work off this bone construct which is her own stuff and put some flesh on it since SHES A FLESH NECRO?

Ianthe that’s super gay

wow muir really never delivers on full gay does she??? i dont mind but i think it’s so striking hahaa

how are Harrow and Ianthe still hung up on the Saint of Duty? i mean, if they dont have him against the RB they’re dead anyway

why is the First going through rain and ice?

Harrow haunted? naawwww

i cant help but like mercymorn though - she cares. it’s soured ages ago but she cares.

awww Harrow needs Ianthe to sleep

Ianthe constantly poking Harrow for her prudishness is so goddamn funny.

‘It’s the type of energy i wish to take into my future’ AHAHAHAHAHAAH IANTHE MY GOD

‘i always forget you were an honest to go nun ... and six years old to boot if you listen to mercymorn’ HAHAHAHAHAHA

‘you look good enough that im proud of my handiwork but not so good that i’ll be consumed with lust and ravish you over the nut bowl’ fpdfjsdfkjsd this is what harrow means with crude japery and yet....

mercymorn has started to call harrow three years old. i will NEVER tire of this gag

all of the blood of eden stuff happened in the past 25 years??? god was on the erebos, but he also remembers ortus kicking the commander out of an airlock? that was in the last 25 years??

Ianthe‘s carressing the nape of Harrow’s neck. hmmhm

its honestly super weird if you think about it for more than 10 seconds that theyre talking about their cavaliers whom they murdered (im still not sure if all consensually) ten thousand years ago (!) and how hot they were that just seems.....fucked up

Harrow is like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! basically all the time but especially now. yep well that was to be expected i guess lololol

Harrow being painfully frozenly fascinated by (god having) sex and deeply repulsed is very Harrow

oh nooooo well that was a perfect kiss between them really

the funny thing about Harrow is that though she is so completely fucked up - just like Gideon - she is fundamentally a helper.

why wouldn’t Harrow have thought of blood wards! she knew he could only bleed thanergy! it;s the first thing i thought - just use not bone wards then!

ortus thinks anastasia is in Harrow - which makes me think - why does he think that’s possible?

mercymorn now calls Harrow a two-year-old. i am waiting for embryonic genius

so did they use the river to get to the planets theyre killing?

Harrow feels the peace and pleasure of a stroll through nature that she has come to kill

oh my god - Harrow somehow saved Cam and Pal is still attached to the mortal plane!!

Harrow helps Cam risking herself entirely just like that. yknow as she does

i wonder if Pal has realised that Harrow is not who he remembers

i think he realised once he realised haz mat suit was Harrow also...

ianthe xo’d harrow.....lol

im sad that original harrow is definitely dead.... :( loved her. guess gideon’s not coming back either. not sure how the second adept survived. she didn’t survive in the original timeline either. but she was ‘killed’ in the other - just like coronabeth..so that means soemthing

this whole ‘flashback’ stuff to Canaan House is Harrow being in the River the whole time. the cold temperatures, the blood, the creatures theyre fishing from the sea that apparently abominations

after all, we’ve just learned about river bubbles and a haz!harrow that can change their parameters.

all the people ‘dead’ she’d not spoken to much or at all beforehand. like they’re NOT real, in the River. the only one not like that is Dyas...

the fact that the narrative keeps calling Dulcie, Dulcie means she’s really Dulcie.

there’s giant organs falling from the ceiling. this is definitely the river

they talk about time AGAIN

the Body is the devil who let herself be used to complete the work of Teacher and the Lyctors in his mythology....hmm. and when they realised the price (AFTER? the work was done?) they wanted her dead but he buried her....SHE allowed them to become Lyctors?? I still don’t understand why the heck that was necessary

the king is dead, long live the king. hmmmm

Harrow comes onto a hallucination of the devil who was her first crush with the voice of her parental figures and the eyes of a love interest she can no longer remember - which is actually not precisely a hallucination probably - and gets summarily rejected lol OUCH (the Body didn’t mean it that way ofc)

Harrow is so repressed on every single front but definitely sexually

I love Mercy

so there is death beyond death. does everybody go into the river and become a mad horrid ghost? like - is that everybody’s fate? how awful

ok so God DID resurrect the planets also. ? but like. then why are there resurrection beasts?

what does resurrection mean? and who killed the planets in the first place?

BECOMING NONE HOUSE, LEFT GRIEF

oh.....my god.

ARE YOU AND IANTHE BEING SAFE!!?!?!?! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

HIS BODYGUARD IS THE DEVIL??

so the destruction of Earth somehow made God? as though it was something that simply followed from it

A.L. was destroyed in the first assault? Of an RB

so the RB’s were happily running off in the other direction until they decided to fuck around and kill their mates to become immortal and powerful - then the RB’s turned around and came towards them - which meant leaving the planets God had resurrected forever.

what the fuck god??? hahahahaa

God always seems so likeable goddamn.

Harrow is such a dramatic bitch. Affection??? JUST KILL ME!!! KILL ME!! LET ME SMASH THE GLASS SO I CAN KNEEL IN IT AND BLEED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!

Harrow goes into her fun kid's game of not dying to traps.

But she instantly calls him father. OH MY GOD

HE DOESNT BELIEVE HER!!!

'then that will be your downfall' - is what Harrow said to Augustine AND IT WILL BECOME TRUE FOR THEM ALL

to be dismissed like that where it hurts most - to have God Dad dismiss her only slip of comfort her only pillar of truth in this crazy old world

'nobody had watched you leave'

SOMEBODY HAD - I love all the deliberate references to Gideon

Temporal lobe!!!! Again the temporal lobe!!!

So why was it again that Harrow refused to be locked in with the Emperor?

So isn't God gonna check out Harrow's temporal lobe? He's just gonna let that mystery go to its death?

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKK

Muir what the fuck??!!!!!!!!

Oh it was.....a hallucination?

Always love how this dips into genuine horror sometimes

What's weird is that Lyctors seem made for the task of going into the river and killing Resurrection Beasts - instead of the other way around.

So say - that the sword somehow holds Gideon's soul (we've just learned that that's possible from Pal and also Ortus trying to get Pent to summon his grandma by his sword) - does it not make sense that Harrow 'for some reason' stabbing Cytherea's corpse with it transferred it to her? Or maybe it's SOMEHOW Anastasia if Ortus was macking on her. But Ortus thought HARROW had/was Anastasia.

IANTHE WANTS TO MARRY HARROW - HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Every fucking chapter doesn't make things any clearer. This is worse than Gideon the ninth

Hello???? Am I reading a canon alternate universe roleswap au??? What the FUCK is going on. This is like - if they hadn't gassed the 200 and her parents instead adopted Gideon for her clear necromantic gifts which nobody noticed somehow the other time round

I do love how Aiglamene was the sole source of slight comfort in Gideon's life. And Crux was Harrow's - apparently in any sequence of events.

Harrow is tumbling through timelines. But how can you do that just by messing with the lobe?

WHAT!! WHAT!!!

Is this...is this what I think it is??? Is thi

The fanfic roots are STRONG in this one. In fact I believe I've READ this fanfiction

Harrow's temporal fever dream (in the river?) HAD HER (Decidedly Not) VYING FOR 'HER DIVINE HIGHNESS' hand, which is either the Body or Gideon or both lololol. Seeing as the previous had Gideon as the main unnamed titled character - I bet it's Gideon ahahaaga

A fucking. COFFEESHOP AU. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD

We've had roleswap, 'ball' au, and coffee shop au populated by the ghosts of the dead LOLOL,

I knew it!! I knew that they were ghosts and that they were in the river!!

Ok so but when did Harrow shoddily create the bubble? When she adjusted her memories at the start? When is this. Ah Harrow has the same thought hahaa

So the stage is a - she was building her memories while sleeping?

Why is that she cannot access her lyctorhood like this...

I just realised that Harrow's mind made the party food taste like SALT based on Ianthe's cooking!!!! Hahahaha

THE NARRATOR IS GIDEON. But it doesn't sound like Gideon though

There's more to the work than simply preserving Gideon's soul though. There are next steps that Harrow prepared for that Harrow doesn't know about yet

Who was the sleeper and why was it in Harrows riverscape of memories that she ACCIDENTALLY??? made

Ok she sounds like Gideon NOW

Gideon no it's not because she didn't want you! It's because she wanted you to live!!!!!

And she succeeded....your soul is INTACT in her body!!!! You're protecting her with full consciousness!! How the fuck. And why didn't that happen before when she went to the bubble?

Are the ghosts of the contestants happy that they got pulled out of the River briefly? Or were they so briefly in there they couldn't remember?

She returned them to the RIVER???? is that really such a kind fate????

Something has gone wrong in the River - yeah because why r all these ghosts going insane and stoppering it up like slib

Do love how Muir has found a way to give these characters more screentime

I actually said 'oof' when Harrow screamed at Ortus - oof that really is embarrassing. GodDAMN Ortus you stepping up with the emotional support!

I've EVEN read the damn fanfic in which they switched bodies. My god.

A. L. apparently is thought to wander about still. I think she's the body....I do believe she's the body. That's why the Lyctors are scared of her

She thought - what. Mercy is talking about blood of Eden's commander. What is going onnnnn still!!!! Mercy is the traitor I guess. But how is blood of Eden connected to the ninth house and the body?

Why is Mercy awake on the mithraeum and not in the River anyways?

Gideon.... And the commander were in cahoots? So did A. L. and Anastasia an the body and the commander all have the same eyes?????

What the fuck is going on indeed.

Cytherea seems to have had a plan B for getting revenge on the Emperor. Or something had a plan B with her corpse as the main weapon.

If guns are so effective against people why aren't they still used.

The messages are from the commander. I.e. Gideon's mother. I.e. Anastasia? We never explicitly did learn how she met her end no? Gideon was convinced that Anastasia had taken the baby. It just seems incongruous how the Emperor spent like 80 years on the Erebos and the Lyctors were faffing about - meanwhile there was this drama going on in the last half century?

I love Abigail Pent. Love that I got to see more of her.

I'd honestly forgot that Judith was alive by the end of all of that shit

The sleeper is -the sleeper is Gideon's mother. Also. She's haunted by her mother. SOMEHOW. what the fuck? They couldn't drag her spirit back from the river they said!

'you wizards never learn' there's a whole modern regular sci fi world and culture out there! Or maybe it's just a. L.

Is it? Or is it Anastasia? Or is it the commander? Or are they the same thing?

The sleeper wants Harrow's body. Somehow invaded it - probably from the river? - which means its Anastasia or the commander. Which means that whatevers possessing Cytherea is someone else.

In retrospect - Harrow's coldness to Ianthe talking about - to what her - seemed nonsense at the time - in the very first part - doesn't quite fit.

Oh my fucking GOD Gideon is fighting Ianthe for messing around with her fucking girlfriend - who is HARROW, who actually, Ianthe wants to marry.

They just went from ramping up to a serious fight to Gideon dropping Corona's name and suddenly they're like - ah we got more important priorities actually.

Augustine's first thought at thinking a.l./the body (?) is in Harrow is John - and the Second is Joy!(mercy?)

'How I was gonna have to take showers with all your clothes on.' fuckin Gideon hahahaha

Wonder if Ianthe truly believes what she's saying - that Harrow was trying to rid hersel of Gideon. It's preposterous. It's just hurtful talk.

GIDEON REALLY THOUGHT THAT LOOK TO MEAN THAT HARROW DIDNT LOVE HER??? THIS IS A CONSTANT BARRAGE OF ALL THE ANGSTY DRAMATIC SHIT IVE BEEN YEARNING FOR

Oh my fucking god Gideon calling Ianthe out for being in love with Harrow in the most iconic way ufsojdjdodnd 'she wants the D - the D stands for dead'

Crazy brain-mutilated Harrow sure made it seem that way I can tell ya that!!

Hahahahahaha Ianthe remembering Harrows prudish Ortus/Cytherea shit. Amazing

Aw Gideon really went and fell right into the cavalier/bone mistress shit huh. And trying to shield Harrow - well as noted before - very necessary because harrow has been having a godawful miserable time - mostly because of herself.

Gideon appreciating Ianthe's pun xD

Love how neither of them position themselves as the love of Harrows life but instead as inexorably attached to her by the sheer role they play in her life - they don't dare aspire to what they think they can't get.

Muir realises this is gonna end up as a Gideon/Harrow(/theBody)/Ianthe ship right?

Oh WOW THIS IS AMAZING. nonius the legendary nonius!!! Come to protect Harrow!!!

For some reason the Sleeper can manipulate the rules of this River bubble and doesn't seem surprised about it

If all her cavaliers were this excited for death, she was definitely the problem.lololol. somehow Harrow, you inspired undying loyalty in even a person that you treated abominably

Yeah Harrow you slowpoke. If the Sleeper can adjust the rules - so can you

If the sleeper was not Harrow's invention - but planted itself - then they're very lucky it got to the ghosts that weren't actually there - first.

So it was the commander....a portrait in a shuttle of blood of eden - can only be the commander. And redhaired? There are too many red haired people in this book!!

It's nice how all these ghosts got to have lasting impact from beyond the grave

NONIUS KNEW ORTUS/GIDEON?

Ok so ....there's the bed of the River with stoma. But there might also be the other side.

Did Harrow really not account for steps beyond her plan to mutilate her brain?

Is this book really gonna go: fuck you Gideon will die anyway ?????

But.wait. the sleeper had a two-hander. Where did that go???

I don't get it. If they go into the river - won't they also go insane?

SO NYAH!!!!!???

Ok but - what? The Commander ALSO -somehow - took over Cytherea's body?

'did the ten billion give you that too' I KNEW CANAAN HOUSE HELD EVEN GRUESOMER EXPERIMENTS AND SACRIFICES THAN LYCTORHOOD. God is made of ten billion souls. I think they killed humanity on earth to spare it 'slow inexorable apocalypse' and used the power to make the Empire from the resurrected. There was an extremely vague implication by Teacher to the amount of souls violated in Canaan house in the first book.

So God knows the commander went for the ninth house? Firstly, how. I don't understand how Anastasia fits in here!!! It would explain though how the commander

So the commander found the ninth house - and she died right? They tried to call her spirit but couldn't. But she became a revenant?

Ah. God THREW the bomb.

A fuckin wake me up inside joke jskdjskdnd

So Mercy and Augustine ( not Gideon ?) had all turned against God? And they were working with the commander to -... Make a baby????? And then evacuate the houses???? (For when God dies - there being a risk that Dominicus would go out I guess)

Make a baby/body to lever the one who lies in the tomb into....?

Love how the book foreshadowed Mercy and Augustine manipulating and lying to God - and turns out they did that on much bigger scale

They....meant to kill the baby to break the blood ward?

'The woman who I was pretty sure was my mother, wearing the body of the woman I'd had a crush on, who in turn had been wearing the identity of a woman she'd murdered -' KSNFKDJDKFJJFC

So why did they want this consistently characterised as kindly and humane god dead?

GIDEON THOUGHT IT WAS HIS!!!! But he called Wake Anastasia then????

They really are the same???

Oh my god I know what they're gonna say. Gideon is the daughter of God. WHICH HARROWS FUCKIN ROYALTY AU FEVER RIVER DREAM FUCKING FORESHADOWED HAAHAHAHAHHAA

Isn't it fucking ironic that God told Harrow that - HE WANTED HER TO BE HIS??? WHILE GIDEON HIS ACTUAL DAUGHTER WAS SPINNING INSIDE HER CHEST LIKE A LITTLE NUCLEAR FUSION REACTOR

They've been trying to kill him for more than 500 years???? Did mercymorn actually genuinely learn the extremely fine knowledge of the body for THIS purpose? How many thousands of years ago did they decide to kill god?

A fucking DAD JOKE

GIDEON REMEMBERING HOW SHE USED TO TELL HARROW HOW HER OTHER PARENT MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD SO STOP PICKING ON HER

I am fucking DELIGHTED I AM SO GODDAMN OVERJOYED

It segues into a reminder of how shit their childhoods were and how their suffering had them lash out at each other endlessly and how it made Harrow suicidal and shit though - which is great

ALECTO'S EYES. THE A. FOR A. L.

A. L. The cavalier of God....but she walked. She had a body.

Ohhhhh. That's why they betrayed him. That age-old hurt. Ten thousand years old but still the bane of their existence, the seed of their madnesses. The loss of their cavaliers. Oh how did they manage to keep that from him?

I honestly thought - is Mercy saying she knows he killed humanity? But that's not what she couldn't have forgiven?

But why did he hide it? Why did he hide the perfect way? ('it would be easier' why???)

Ah. Yes. The expansion, why would the Emperor do that?

Uhhhhh. Couldn't Mercy have done that all along??????????????????????? Couldn't Mercy have killed God all along? That was both a trick and utterly sincere.

Augustine and Mercy were trying to do the right thing..... Mercy.... :'( Augustine was right. God is much less sentimental than he seems.

'im not even mad that you failed to either fix or put down Harrow' hm guess the constant kill quest HAD come from God after all. What a goddamn bitch of a man

What was the original plan? Unleash a. L. ? And then what? How would that help with the whole Dominicus going out problem?

Had God ever really thought to make up for all the bullshit he put his Lyctors through. He seems so affable and human but he's caused so much suffering. He's as good at manipulation at them - better!

The resurrection beast can't kill him, but he let his Lyctors die to them one by one anyway. So why??

Why are they punching each other in the River? They can use theorems right? God could blast Augustine to pieces same he did mercy?

Yes! It's true! Pyrrha and Gideon both exist in the same body - foreshadowed by his cavaliers build. There was something so fishy about it.

I love how Gideon has exactly the same response as me: what the fuck. Pyrrha??? Gideon??? What the fuck??? Why did they BOTH have an affair with their enemy??? So ok. Pyrrha stayed underground from Everybody for the thousand years. SOMEHOW their compartmentalisation let her pop up in his body regularly and not just when Gideon remembered her - because the hadn't fucked up his brain. But then how did THEY do that.

This absolutely galactic balsiness

The stoma thinks John is a resurrection beast. Might it be.....because he's..... A revenant. A 10 billion souled kinda- revenant ? A bit like.....Harrow is? Which is why he felt kin to her? Which is why he compared her creation to Resurrection?????I've really gotta reread those messages from commander wake.

A fucking jail for mother meme. Jail for one thousand years. Gideon how do you know this one????

I KNEW Ianthe would do that. Knew it. She doesn't want the system to die. Coronabeth is still out there. Well guess what - she's on the opposite side babe. Ok I realised that Gideon's mum apparently stuck to Gideon and then the sword? But also did Harrow manage to break the blood ward because of of her proximity to Gideon? Did Harrow uhhhh get put into a pocket in the river? But the emperor wasn't murdered!!! Fuckin chapters kept lying. They're on a hold planet. Finally - we meet the people. Alecto and Camilla and Corona? And Judith.? Did Alecto somehow do a time twisty around to come save Gideon at that moment in the river? Once again nothing much more is clear.

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

oohohoho you just opened the deepest can of worms on the planet

-mod dave, who wrote a fucking ten mile essay

first off, addressing the second anon, no theyre all humans. h., half humans at least. cause yall know me i fucking love my humanstuck aus off my ASS

(that would be funny as hell though. a troll from space walking into a camp on earth going “I AM THE SON OF ONE OF YOUR EARTH GODS. BITCH” like... holy shit)

so first things first their parents. im gonna lay this out, the beta kids and trolls are all greek (EXCEPT sollux hes roman cause his parent has no greek equivalent), and all the alpha kids and trolls are those gods roman equivalents (,,EXCEPT dirk cause he kinda balances sollux being roman out). i havent figured out how thatd happen like 16+ times yet cause in the percy jackson books theres only ever been one instance of two siblings of the same godly descent being greek and roman respectively in HISTORY so like.. i guess th. i guess thats just not a problem in this au

anyway this gets really long so im gonna talk about the beta kids and trolls cause i havent elaborated on the alphas at all ((peep the tags if you wanna see their parents though))

johns the son of zeus, rose is the daughter of athena, dave is the son of apollo, and jade is the daughter of demeter. they were all raised in their respective states, all had to come to new york for various reasons. jades been there the longest, shes been there 9 years and shes been on a couple quests. her biggest accomplishment so far is how she protected the camp from this big vicious angry hellhound that got past the barrier. naturally the girls fluent in Dog Training, so she steps up and instead of trying to kill this thing, she reaches out and tames it as fast as she can. it ends up actually working, and ever since that day she, her cabin, and the camp have a whole bodyguard sleeping right outside the demeter cabin! hes her steed in battle and hes a Very Good Boy. and his name is becquerel

johns the newest kid at camp, he has no idea who he is or why the fuck his school got attacked or why in the hell those anemoi thuellai were so fixated on him or HOW in the hell he absorbed the lightning one threw at him and ended up fine,,, hes just a big mess right now. a big enough mess that when he got claimed by literally zeus, no one else was around, he shrugged it off as some basic magical happening, and he stayed in the hermes cabin far longer than he should have cause no one! fucking knew he got claimed! by zeus of all people! dumbass. he ends up figuring it out though. like an off-hand mention about how this “weird lightning thing appeared above my head a couple weeks ago, haha weird right?” once he figures it out he realizes “hey i might be able to fly” so he sneaks off into the woods to try it. he succeeds fairly quickly but god almighty everyones face the one day the dude just yote himself off a small cliff without warning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

dave and rose are really tight, theyve been there roughly the same time length, and since their cabins are across from each other they just bother each other all the time. daves the resident Doctor even though he really doesnt look it cause hes got the apollo powers. apollo is the medicine god. so if you wound your stupid ass in battle daves in the ER room patching you up with his glowy hands. rose on the other hand is a very good strategist. shes one of the only athena kids ever recorded to actually have a power - telekinesis. she has no idea how she developed it, she thinks its from birth, but it freaks her out. shes training it though.

so the beta trolls, are also all human(ish). aradias hades kid. but i pulled a pjo trope on her based on one of my favorite characters (im not saying for spoilers, but if you recognize the situation, You Probably Know Who Its Based Off) and aradia died. her mom, the handmaid, had been pulling some Shady Ass Shit and ended up getting herself killed, but aradia tried saving her and ended up going down with her.

so handmaid gets sentenced to the fields of punishment in the underworld, and aradia gets sentenced to elysium, heroes paradise. shes like “no i want my mom to be okay” so they take that away from aradia and they put them both in the fields of asphodel, the neverending grey space for Not So Good But Not So Bad people. her mom becomes a shade (shadow spirit, no human resemblance), as all people do, but aradia. doesnt? and she gets dunked in the fucking river lethe and if you dont know what that does it erases your memory. so she just. comes out of the river like “hello? wgat tae fukc goin on??” but she still remembers one thing. there was an “a” in her name.

tavros is the son of hermes, hes just kinda taken on the role of backup counselor for when the actual cabin counselor is out. hes in a wheelchair, but he also has prosthetic legs for when he needs to actually stand up and fight. hes really good at it too. also catch him in winged converse cause he Owns Those and Uses Them To His Advantage. hes trying his best to keep focused on the camp, cause aradia was his childhood friend, he misses her a whole lot, she never got to camp in the first place. and to his knowledge, shes still dead.

sollux is a janus kid. thats a problem cause janus is roman, and this is a greek camp. he grew up with dave, he showed up with dave, hes been at camp as long as dave. but hes been unclaimed since he showed up so he thinks hes unwanted by whatever parent he has. he knows hes a demigod, he got through the camp barriers, so what the fuck is wrong with him? he also feels shitty cause hes shit at the greek lessons, he cant read a lick of it which literally every demigod without exception should be able to do, he cant name any gods- well, he can, but.. he gets their names mixed up. why does he keep calling poseidon “neptune”? and he has a much, much different way of natural fighting than other kids. they slice, he jabs. he wasnt taught to jab. 

karkat is an aphrodite kid with vitiligo, and to make matters worse, hes ace and on the aro spectrum. to make matters WORSE, the aphrodite kids are kinda notorious for being really shallow, really materialistic, and really mean. karkats been dubbed the “runt” of the cabin, he gets made fun of for his spots to the point where he uses make up and magic to conceal them. worst of all? hes the kid of the goddess of love, for fucks sake. being reminded that “loveless people shouldnt be able to stay in this cabin, mom must have made a mistake claiming you” is kind of.. a blow to the self esteem. long story short he hates aphrodite for claiming him, and would have rather stayed in the hermes cabin. but he eventually goes on this big quest thats vague as fuck right now but Its The Main Plot, he ends up proving to himself that hes worth something and that his siblings are wrong, and my FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE THING i came up with is HIS when he deals a final blow to some big monster: “REMEMBER MY FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU REINCARNATE. MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, I’M THE SON OF APHRODITE, AND LOOKS CAN KILL.”

nepeta isnt anywhere near developed as others are unfortunately, shes a daughter of ares and shes really really good at hand to hand combat. shes small but she leads groups of people in things ranging from camp volleyball games to actual literal wars. shes a tough little shit

kanaya isnt really developed either, i have yet to figure out most of her powers too actually, shes a daughter of iris, the rainbow goddess though. (blatant reference to both kanayas vampirism and. h. her. sh. es ga. gay) ONE THING SHE CAN DO THOUGH is iris message at will without water or drachmas so really shes just everyones go to cell phone and its fucking hilarious cause people just come into the cabin like “KANAYA I NEED TO TALK TO [X]” and shes like “You Better Fucking Pay Me I Am Not Your Personal Cell Phone”

terezi is the daughter of nemesis and she has this really peculiar power she hasnt really gotten the hang of yet. she has synesthesia, so while she cant see she can smell and taste the colors of her surroundings and its really helpful. sometimes though she gets messages from her mom. they dont even come as dreams half the time, they come as almost a different plane altogether. tez has the power to literally tip the scales, pretty much. and when she gets like that, she can see. shes not on earth though, shit on earth stops when shes like that. shes just kinda In Her Own Head, i guess? and in her head she holds the two scales in her hands. she is the arms of the scale. and depending on which one she lifts up, she can literally alter the fate of the battle or happening thats going on By Herself. once she chooses she just whooshes back to real life though and nothing has changed. the only downside? it takes a LOT of energy and cant be exploited for little things. her one thing on her bucket list is to tap into said powers while getting something from a vending machine so like three things will fall out but it hasnt happened yet and shes upset

vriskas a daughter of tyche, the luck goddess, come the fuck on you knew i was gonna, i havent really elaborated on her either and im upset about that. but hey now you get a break from all those fucking paragraphs

equius is a hephaestus kid, and he kinda stays in the background. hes a range fighter, he spends a lot of time in the forge, and even though its been a project looooong since forgotten, hes been excavating the tunnels under cabin nine for years. by himself. he has no idea where they lead, but dammit hes gonna find out where. he has no idea about a certain bunker in the woods though...

gamzees just there for a fucking laugh tbh hes a son of dionysus and i love that cause hes the god of wine and parties and insanity. usually gamzees just zoning out somewhere hes Not supposed to be, and hes not affected by the maenads FUCKED UP BULLSHIT that goes down the forest sometimes. also hes so fucking scared of tavroses wing shoes he tried them on once while he was high and JESUS CHRIST

eridan is the son of kymopoleia, a SUPER obscure goddess. lets just say dont fuck with eridan cause his mom is the goddess of violent sea storms,

and naturally, feferi is the daughter of poseidon. cause who the FUCK else would she be the daughter of. WHO. NAME ONE GOD

OH AND JUST CAUSE I FORGOT CALLIE AND CALIBORN ARE SATYRS IN THIS AU. CALLIE HAS PAN PIPES. and caliborn still has a gun

[troped-fanfic-challenge]

Chopped: Holiday Trope Exchange Masterlist 

A huge thanks to every person who signed up for our gift exchange, we got 18 really wonderful fics! For anyone who isn’t sure what this was all about, this was a double blind gift exchange where each of our eighteen (18!!!) writers were assigned four tropes from an anonymous recipient, and were tasked with writing a fic that fit our holiday theme, and included all the tropes. The only guidance from their recipient were a couple of brief notes they included during the sign up, and both the writer and recipient were revealed when we shared all the fics! These fics, as with all our Chopped fics, were creative and unique, and found ways to utilise tropes that may seem so simple in really spectacular ways! If this gift exchange, or any of our other Chopped events, have sparked your interest, keep your eyes peeled on this page for some future events we have planned, and sign up to join the fun! In the meantime, we hope you enjoy these wonderful holiday fics!

Love to everyone who participated, Bailey and Sara <3 

Let it Snow (And I’ll Get Sentimental) [G] (Memori) 

Written by @mylifeiskara, for @hostagetakerandhistraitor​. The four assigned tropes were 1) friends made a bet, 2) one character kisses the other and the one who got kissed is shocked still, 3) amnesia AU, 4) ark AU (or any other AU where the story takes place in space).

All John Murphy wants for Christmas is for Emori to remember who he is.

Won’t let you go [G] (Clurphy) 

Written by sapphictomaz, for @vmreed​. The four assigned tropes were 1) childhood friends-to-lover, 2) grounder au, 3) tattoos, and 4) body painting

There is nothing shared in Clarke and Murphy's lives. They come from opposite clans who have a history of warfare between them. She lives in the jungle, while he calls the mountainside home. She celebrates the holidays by dancing the year away, and he does so by claiming dominance on another year that has passed.

They meet, anyways, and realize that sometimes, you have to make your own traditions.

Contained Constant Chaos [T] (Murven)

Written by @vmreed, for sapphictomaz. The four assigned tropes were 1) Post-Apocalypse AU (different from canon), 2) Found Family, 3)Hurt/Comfort, and 4) "You're an asshole to everybody else, but you're nice to me"

“Please don’t kill me.” He said, stupidly.

She raised an eyebrow, saying nothing, but offering him a box of tampons.

and i’ll die by your side if you want me to [T] (Memori)

Written by @dylanobrienisbatman​, for @justbecauseyoubelievesomething. The four assigned tropes were 1) based on a tv show (author chose Timeless), 2) soulmate AU, 3) fake dating, and 4) timeloop/groundhog day AU.

Murphy got tapped to come work for a special project after he was arrested for stealing a military vehicle right off of the base (long story). Turns out the special project... involved time travel... so theres that. About 6 months after he signed on, it all went horribly sideways, and now they were chasing their friends across history, trying to stop them from making a horrible mistake.

Thats how they end up in the middle of World War I France on Christmas day in 1914. Thats how she dies.

And then... somehow... the day begins again. Can he figure out a way to stop The Blake Siblings from wrecking history forever and also save the girl?

This Christmas, You're All That I Want (Just Don't Tell Anyone) [G] (Bellarke)

Written by @bellarkestitchdelena​, for @captaindaddykru​. The four assigned tropes were 1) Joke kiss turned serious, 2) The main ship must share something (can literally be anything), 3) Two characters giving extremely biased flashbacks to an event, and 4) Secret Relationship.

It all starts trying to prove Murphy wrong

Season’s Grievances [G] (Multi)

Written by @hostagetakerandhistraitor​, for @teeandsnowflakes​. The four assigned tropes were 1) a terribly loud crash and one of the characters yelling ‘IM OKAY’ from another room, 2) huddle for warmth, 3) found family, and 4) one character is ‘icy’ and slowly defrosts. 

Bellamy and Raven have been best friends for over 3 years. They found each other at their low points and bonded to turn each other into better people. But when Bellamy starts dating Raven's ex, Echo, things get icy. This is a story of family, friendship, romance, betrayal, culinary inaptitude, with a slight zest of things I wanted to be canon. Also a Blake family Christmas party.

Kiss Me Babe, It's Christmas Time [M] (Bellarke)

Written by @eyessharpweaponshot, for @shen-gong-oops​. The four assigned tropes were 1) One character has a child, 2) Characters are not together but are mistaken for a couple, 3) Terribly loud crash and one character goes ‘oops’ in a casual voice, 4) Two characters giving extremely biased flashbacks of the same event.

How long have you been in love with him? Seven years now?’ ‘Eight’ Clarke corrects him, her voice muffled through her hands as she cups her face. She’s still trying to calm her heart rate down. Murphy simply laughs, his amusement of this clear as day. ‘Don’t know what you’re laughing at. You were in the same boat with Raven’ Clarke reminds him. ‘Not for eight years, I wasn’t.’ Clarke rolls her eyes. She should never have told Murphy. The results of too much wine and being the last ones standing after a night in Grounders a couple of years ago. ‘Look, all I’m saying is it might be worth telling him’ he shrugs, leaning against the broom in his hand. Clarke gives him a pointed look. ‘Nobody is telling Bellamy anything.’

Christmas time, a harbouring secret and a festive get-together. The perfect combination.

where the love light gleams [T] (Murven)

Written by @teeandsnowflakes, for @kuklash​. The four assigned tropes were 1) meet cute, 2) first kiss, 3) surprise proposal, 4) pregnancy AU.

Raven hadn't been home for Christmas in four years, but the one year she did, she met Murphy, new in town since she had last been there, and learns a very important lesson about the holidays.

i know you can feel the magic we don't need to talk about it [T] (Bellarke)

Written by @captaindaddykru , for @eyessharpweaponshot​. The four assigned tropes were 1) exes, 2) jealousy, 3) protectiveness, 4) modern au. 

Christmas eve, Clarke's sort-of-ex shows up at her door in the middle of an awkward family dinner and so she ends up flashing him. Holiday spirit and all.

Dance Your Way Home [T] (Becho)

Written by @justbecauseyoubelievesomething​, for @dylanobrienisbatman​. The four assigned tropes were 1) historical AU (1920′s or earlier), 2) almost kiss/interrupted kiss, 3) holiday party, and 4) sunrises.

“We need to get you home. You’re freezing.”

Home. She has no home.

Everyone Telling You Be of Good Cheer [G] (Clurphy)

Written by @kinetic-elaboration​, for @hopskipaway​. The four assigned tropes were 1) amnesia, 2) found family, 3) oblivious pining, and 4) and mistletoe kiss.

“Merry Christmas, by the way,” Clarke adds, which settles that.

“You too. Merry Christmas.” He takes down Bellamy’s NYU mug without thinking, tries to shake the feeling that he’s no more than an extra in Clarke’s amnesiac version of Groundhog’s Day. That this is, somehow, normal. That he is not wondering, the thought like an invasive little jingle in his ear, what she thinks yesterday was.

The day after Murphy, Clarke, Bellamy, and Raven return from disappointing family Christmases, Clarke wishes that they could have spent the holiday together instead. A fall down the stairs, a bout of amnesia—and suddenly it’s Christmas again. And again. And again. Reliving the day puts even Murphy into the holiday spirit, and helps him learn to open his heart to his friends, and to the possibility of love.

3 Times Murphy Lost a Fight, and 1 Time He Didn't  [M] (Clurphy)

Written by @kuklash​, for @mylifeiskara​. The four assigned tropes were 1) 3+1, 2) Oblivious Pining, 3) Work Party, and 4) First Kiss.

Dec. 20th, 2003

"This party is gonna fucking suck, Clarke."

"Of course it’s gonna suck, Murphy, but if you want this job you have to schmooze," the blonde said with an eye roll. "The best place to schmooze is the company Christmas party."

A Little Brighter [G] (Bellarke)

Written by @shen-gong-oops​, for @bellarkestitchdelena​. The four assigned tropes were 1) Rivals to Lovers, 2) Arranged Marriage AU, 3) Pregnancy, and 4) Sunsets.

Taking a deep breath, he turned towards Clarke. "If I were to take up your father's offer for knighthood, please know, I do not wish to be the knight to the princess of all Arkadia."

Or: Bellamy takes a really long time to realize he's being a hypocrite.

when i’m feelin' alone (you remind me of home) [G] (Clurphy)

Written by @hopskipaway​, for @probably-voldemort​. The four assigned tropes were 1) royalty au, 2) marriage pact, 3) clumsy character, and 4) roommates. 

Within the walls of the palace, Princess Clarke of Arkadia lives a quiet and lonesome life.

That is, until John Murphy waltzes into her life and changes it forever. She’s not complaining.

sweet dreams of holly and ribbon, mistakes are forgiven, and everythin' is icy and blue, and you would be there too

make my wish come true [T] (Murven)

Written by @probably-voldemort​, for @kinetic-elaboration​. The four assigned tropes were 1) almost kiss / interrupted kiss, 2) holiday movie (as in being in a holiday movie), 3) friends with benefits, and 4) band au. 

It's been ten years since the Delinquents went off air, so clearly it's time for a reunion in the form of a Christmas special. Yeah, it sounded like bullshit to Murphy, too, but he hadn't seen the crew since Raven's wedding a few years back, and he'd managed to convince Kane that his character should have a dog, so there was no way it could be all bad.

Right?

Last Christmas [NR] (Bellarke)

Written by @bellarkeshoe​, for @hiddenpolkadots​. The four assigned tropes were 1) Exes, 2) Fake dating, 3) Kiss under the mistletoe, and 4) Modern Au.

Bellamy Blake never thought he would see Clarke Griffin again in his life. At least, not after the way things ended. He wished that things had gone differently because well, he cared about her. He loved her and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He never even really got the chance to tell her that.

Everything happened so fast. One moment he is as happy as he can be, enjoying his life as a professor with an amazing girlfriend, and just like that, his world came crumbling down and over one huge misunderstanding.

But when they ended it, they both said some things they didn’t mean, or well he hoped she didn’t mean what she had said, he knows he didn’t.

But that is all in the past now, he can never forget about her, he still thinks about her everyday, but there is nothing he can really do about it. Clarke hates him for some reason and he doesn’t know if he’s totally over the fact that she ended things.

He is sure she had a good reason to. I mean at least that’s what he hopes. If the love they felt for each other was genuine and real than she should have had a very good reason to end things, right?

your eyes outshine the town, they do [T] (Bellarke)

Written by @hiddenpolkadots​, for @thelittlefanpire. The four assigned tropes were 1) magic au, 2) competing businesses, 3) secret relationship, and 4) kiss in the snow.

“I’m going to make you enjoy Christmas,” she tells him, her confidence in herself almost overwhelming. “I can’t do anything about the weather but I’m pretty sure I can handle the rest. By the time the season is over you’re going to love Christmas.”

“I highly doubt that,” he says, staring at her hard. “I may just tolerate it at best.”

“I’ll take it,” she says, “Bellamy Blake, prepare to have the best Christmas of your life.

or, sometimes christmas is you and your rival falling into a snowbank together.

Taste of Arkadia [G] (Bellarke)

Written by @thelittlefanpire​, for @bellarkeshoe​. The four assigned tropes were 1) Rivals to Lovers, 2) Character A catches Character B crying, 3) Modern AU, and 4) Competing businesses (author’s choice).

Before Christmas, the Chancellor of Arkadia charges his son with the task of repurposing the city’s warehouse district into a cool, hip hub for commerce and camaraderie.

At its opening, an impromptu competition among the many businesses in the area begin for the best spot in the ARK.

Take a read! Leave a kudos/comment! These fics are so unique and fun and the authors worked so hard on them. Thanks so much!

[welllbeing]

tw

so I realized I didnt put trigger warnings on my other posts talking about rape and I’m sorry. 

but I left out the fact that it was a tinder date. I actually left out a lot, I didnt tell the whole story and I havent told this to anyone in person either but I want to get it out somewhere. now, the guy from tinder wasn’t the one who raped me. it was another guy who was there, 

this is going to be a long post

the tinder guy and I talked for a litle bit here and there before I went. he seemed nice and would send me snaps every day. so at the time, it all felt like I had just misunderstood the situation but now that I think about it, it seems a little weird. 

so this guy was originally supposed to come pick me up from my house and we were going to go get food and maybe see a movie. but then he suggested me going there because we could eat something and then go swimming later since there was a pool in the backyard. I was up for it so I said okay and drove out there. 

when I was leaving he had told me it was only 25 minutes. my gps said 48. I went anyway. then I got there I learned that its not even his house, its his friends and they were having a small pool party. I didnt expect there to be other people but I figured that he probably wanted to see how I got along with his friends and everything and there was a girl there so I just sat with her while he ran out to the store for snacks and stuff. she was really nice and the guys kind of stuck to themselves playing in the pool, I felt fine about the whole thing. 

now,, tinder guy said hello when I got there and introduced me to his friends but then he kinda didnt pay any attention to me for the rest of the time that we were outside. and it didnt bother me then, he was playing in the pool, I wasn’t, so it kinda just made sense. but then we all went inside and were going to smoke on the screened in porch, the girl went in to pee and then the guys went in to get alcohol and to roll so i was left out on the porch for a while because they all ended up standing in the kitchen talking while two of the guys rolled and the other made drinks. I just stayed on the porch since i was smoking a cigarette but tinder guy eventually came out and sat and talked with me for a little bit. everyone else came about 10 minutes later so we all started smoking and drinking. 

now, I dont smoke often but I can smoke a whole blunt by myself and be fine. we shared between 8 people (a couple of other people came after a while). and I can drink an entire bottle of fireball and just be tipsy. now idk what was up with me that night but I had one shot and two moonshine soaked cherries and then only hit the blunt 4 times and at first I was fine but then i started to feel nauseous and then I felt hot in the face but cold on the back of my head and I felt incredibly dizzy. so i got off of the stool i was sitting on and went and got on the couch that was on the porch. i sat there and just waited it out. 

by the time the nausea went away, most of the people went inside to play video games (including tinder guy) and I was left outside with two of the guys. guess who being one of them. the three of us talked for about 20 minutes or so and then the guy that owned the house started telling everyone he was going to bed so people started leaving. it ended up being just me, tinder guy, and ‘you know who’ left (I dont know what to call him.). tinder guy was still inside but the other guy asked me if I could give him a ride home, said that the guy that brought him home left and that he was on the way to where I was headed. I said sure. tinder guy came back out and offered to give him a ride home shortly after but he told him that I already would. now, this conversation at first made me feel like he wasnt wanting me to give him a ride, and idk maybe he didnt and im just reading into it too much, but heres what happened. 

tinder guy asked if I was sure, I said I didnt mind since it was on the way and I had already told him yes. he told me that he could take him and I still said it was fine. now i took that as him either being nice or possibly being jealous that i was gonna drive another guy home even though i came to see him. but I was honestly a little annoyed that he ignored me for all but 10 minutes the entire night and that it was 1 am and i still had to drive another 48 minutes and be at work in the morning but I was also just trying to be nice and save him having to go the opposite way from his house to take this guy home. so I said I would. 

we all started saying goodbye to each other, the guy who lived there went inside so the three of us went out to the yard, and I started walking to the car. but it wasnt until I got to the car that I realized the guy wasnt following me so i just sat on the hood of the car and waited. it was about 15 minutes before he came to the car and I guess wiinder guy went back in because he didnt come through the gate. I didnt think anything of it, I thought they were just talking about something you know? like theyre friends right? we’ll touch on this later. 

so ‘you know who’ got in the car and I turned my lights on and realized someone had parked behind me. I dont know why I didnt realise that until after I got in the car, i still had some of that weird lightheaded feeling and my brain was a little foggy but I figured I had driven while high before so id be fine. I couldnt figure out how to get around the car without driving all over the guys lawn though and he was trying to direct me on what to do but I didnt want to hit another car (some people stayed the night there so there were about four cars around mine) so he offered to do it and I let him get in the drivers seat. 

so once we got out of the driveway, I expected him to stop and get out but he kept going and asked if it was okay if he drove to his house so he wouldnt have to give me directions. it made sense to me at the time because he knew where he was going, I didnt. and even though i wasnt liek ‘i cant walk or speak’ high or drunk but i did have slightly delayed reactions. and i remember him asking how I knew tinder guy so I told him from tinder and he asked if it was supposed to be a date and I think i said that I wasnt sure. but I know that i wasnt hearing some things he was saying because at one point he had apparently been asking me if he could ask me a question but I didnt answer so he typed it on his phone and held it in front of my face instead. I hadnt smoked in a while so I think thats why I did got so high before and was still high at this point but I mean i dont really smoke much anyway and that feeling has only happened one other time when I smoked a blunt and a half by myself and held my breath on the last inhale. but this was only four hits so its odd when I think about it. 

but the question he asked me basically boiled down to asking me if i wanted to fuck. it just took him 5 minutes of elaborate explaining to do that. I said that wasnt what I came here for and that I needed to go home because i had work. 

at this point, we had pulled into a neighborhood but I’m pretty sure he just drove the car around in circles all over the neighborhood either a) to confuse me about where his house was because they all look the same or b) to stall. probably both. because I have no idea which house was his or how we even got there, i just remember it was on the right side. and he also spend 15 minutes driving around this neighborhood trying to talk me into hooking up. he kept saying that it was an opportunity, that it was something I’d be able to tell my kids when I got older, that i would never have to hear from him again. I kept telling him that i wasnt going to, that i shouldnt, that i couldnt, but since i didnt say no he parked the car and asked if i wanted to. i hesitated, was going to say no but then he started talking again and gave his whole ‘this is an opportunity; speech again. and it honeslty was like he was asking so many questions and talking so much and I was trying to process it all at once but it all just like mixed together so I just interrupted him

I finally turned completely in my seat and looked at him, apologized, told him that I thought he was nice and i thought he was good looking but that I needed to go home and that i wasnt going to do that tonight because I could tell that I wasnt able to focus good, because I couldnt, my head was hurting and it felt like I was only processing things after they happened, and he said “okay but can I at least get a kiss? just one?”. I hesitated and tried to laugh it off and again, said that I couldnt but he started leaning to me and I honestly wasnt that opposed to just kissing him, like i said I didnt think he was bad looking or anything (although dont remember anything about his facial features anymore) so I didnt move and let him kiss me. it was a bit of a long kiss and he had his hand in my hair but when I felt him put his other hand on my thigh I pulled away and said that I had to go home again but he pulled me back and kissed me again and he started putting his hand in my shirt and it didnt even register until his hand was almost completely in my bra but I pushed it down and pulled away and I did say no to that, i remember that, so then he just sat there and tried to talk me into letting him touch me. I admit, I wasnt opposed to just like making out and messing around, I kind of liked the attention at first (key words),  I just didnt want to have sex. so when he kissed me again i didnt really do anything but kiss back. 

but then it just got harder and he shoved his tongue down my throat and I tried to kiss back a little bit but then it honestly felt like he was going to crush my head inbetween his hand and his face like it wasnt even like he was kissing at that point,  it was like he was just using his mouth to shut me up he was just pushing so hard so I started trying to pull away and to talk and everything but it wasnt working because I he was holding the back of my head and then he put his hand in my pants and started touching me and put mine in his and it was at that point that I thought maybe I should just compromise so i pulled away as much as i could and told him that I would give him head but I wouldnt have sex with him. I didnt really want to do that but I was more willing to do that than have sex with him. he said he wanted to go somewhere more private. I knew that was a bad idea but I also didnt say anything because I also didnt want to be walked up on while I was giving head you know?  so he drove down the road a little bit and to a spot with no houses, there was a pond on the right side a little away from the road and I could see houses down the road on the left but there weren’t any directly around us. I started giving him head, I was leaned over the middle console and he kept trying to pull my leggings down but every time he did, I sat up so he finally like smacked his lips and said ‘fine, I’ll just take the head then’ and thats when he started holding me down and he held me down so long once that I felt like i was going to choke or throw up or something. he put his hand in my pants again and put his fingers inside of me but i pulled his hand away and when he let go I immediately sat up again.

 I thought about just getting out of the car and i dont know why i didnt, why it took me so long to do it but when I started to reach for the door he reached over me and pulled the lever so the back of my seat went down and he started to get on top of me and i just panicked a little bit but I just started talkign, i kept saying that I couldnt and that I wasnt going to and that i wasnt on birth control ( I was but only had been for a week and a half) and he said ‘fuck that’ I’ll pull out’ but I said that pulling out was shit because I could still get pregnant and went to sit up and push him away but that was when he hit me in the face and got me in the nose and it burned and i guess it kind of just stunned me? i dont know but like my head was pounding after that even though it didnt break or i wasnt bleeding, it just hurt a lot and he pulled my shirt up and unhooked my bra so he could pull it up. he was sitting on my thighs and had one of my arms held against the seat and I had used the other to check if I was bleeding but it didnt feel like I was so i was going to try to push myself up or push him off or something when he got up a little bit to take my pants off but then he elbowed me in the face and that one got me in the mouth and my top and bottom teeth pierced into my lips a little bit on the right side  and then he did it again and that split my bottom lip 

so after that, idk I just went with it and let him do it. i even helped him get my shoe off when he couldnt get my leggings off around it.. and while he was doing.. that. he kept yelling at me to move up in the seat and when I didnt move enough (I was scared but I didnt want to move to make it easier so I only moved like an inch), he pushed me up and then put himself inside of me and he held my head up and told me to look. he held my head like that almost the whole time but I closed my eyes or tried to just look to my side out the window instead. 

then when he was done, he got out on my side and pulled his pants up, and got back in the car. but I didnt close the door when he got out so I just sat there with it open and stared at the road for a minute before he asked if I was ready so I finally stood up to at least put my pants back on but left my bra unhooked and half off because I didnt want to take my shirt off to fix it.  and then he drove back to his house when i got back in. once we got back there, he was looking for his wallet and reaching between the seats and everything and I honestly hoped he wouldnt find it and assume he left it at the guys house so I could just get his name but he finally did. so we got out and he started to go around the front of the car towards his house so i went around the back to get in the front seat but he came back around and made me hug him and when I hugged him he said ‘dont you fucking tell anybody” and then as he started walking back he said it was ‘our little secret’ and made the ‘shh’ sign at me. 

so after that i just drove down the road a little bit and fixed my bra and shirt and put my gps on and literally raced out of that neighborhood and once i got on the main road i just started bawling. 

now the point of saying all of this was not just to get what happened out there so somebody knows (I havent even told my parents or best friend all of this. i just said that i was raped and that he hit me once. i didnt say that i have speculations that i may have been slipped something in my drink. i didnt say that i was going to compromise. i didnt say that i was high. i didnt say that he busted my lip (by the time i told anyone, it had started healing over enough that i could pass it off as just me picking at chapped lips). and i dont know why but I feel like the more details the more it would hurt or something?? 

but I think tinder guy may know about it. or maybe thats why he invited me. I dont know. because the day before he was talking about us going somewhere and then he asked if I had any female friends because he had a friend that was single and needed a girl but my friends are all in relationships. so the fact that he left me outside with this guy a few times makes me wonder if he was actually said friend. 

and the next day I asked him if he knew that guys name. but he said he had just met him that day, that he only knew a nickname. but for the next three days he was on his snapchat. im pretty sure that was him. i dont know why i cant remember his face, i mean it was dark the whole time we were outside but maybe because i didnt think much of him so i didnt pay attention much when we were actually in the light on the porch? I just saw a guy with a hat and a short goatee and a septum piercing that night and then there was a guy with a hat and a short goatee and septum piercing on his snapchat for three days in a row afterwards and he hasnt sent me anything since. I finally took him off of there today, even though he may not have had anything to do with it, hes friends with the guy so I want nothing to do with him. 

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[rapturedtoxicity]

Me: yo Me: wassup Friend: nm just bout to watch the mayweather fight Me: right Me: mcgregor or mayweather Me: ? Me: disclaimer i dont know shit abt any of that Friend: boxing match Friend: jst watching it since it will be a thing that lots of people talk about Me: fair enough Me: i am Me: extremely drunk rn Me: have been for the last 6 days Friend: lol Friend: welcome to how many people spend their early 20s Me: cheers Me: it helps deal with the pain tbh Me: dude Me: weird question maybe but Me: have you ever self harmed Friend: no but its not something that works with me Me: fair enough Me: i've been trying it Me: it kinda helps Me: for me Friend: ive done it but not directly Friend: just training slamming my fist and knees into a wall Friend: until i just ran out of energy Me: i getcha Friend: but it didnt do anything Friend: but those times i just wanted to feel anything that wasnt what i felt ever yday Friend: even if it was physical pain Friend: it was nice to feel something else Me: yeh Me: kinda where i am atm Me: been making cuts into my arm Me: to distract from the heartache Me: it helps a lot Me: surprisingly much actually Me: dont mean to be depressing, rofl Me: dont intend to make it a permanent habit or anything but Me: fuck Me: it helps Me: god damn Friend: i get you Friend: but people do it for different reasons Friend: i just want to punish myself Friend: i found other ways to do that Me: kind of on that page atm Me: punishing/relief Me: feel like i deserve it in a way Friend: for me those were 2 different things, it was nice to feel something else but essentially it got me nowhere closer to a positive end goal Friend: or so i've rationalised what im doing now to be conducive Me: yeh Friend: im sure im wrong but Me: idk if im aiming for a positive end goal atm? just kinda Friend: im far too proud, i have to do it solo Me: doing it to relieve stress in the moment Me: you get me Me: ? Me: yeh i get you Friend: a little but Friend: when i did that stuff Friend: i couldnt do anything Me: i know it's fucking stupid and all that Friend: my brain just didnt think straight Me: and i know i aint thinkin straight Me: yeh Me: but Me: it does help. Me: for me, at least Me: redirects the fucking Me: immense emotional pain into Me: slight physical pain Me: distracts me in the moment Me: only real downside atm for me is how hard it is to hide it Friend: nah thats effort Friend: showing it is fine Friend: just make sure you have a solid convo ender to observers who question it Me: i agree personally but Me: my coworkers keep telling me to cover up and shit Me: like im not looking for attention Friend: cover up? Me: im just doing my own thing when i roll up my sleeves at work and shit Friend: do your cuts etc show? Me: yeh Friend: yeh thats stupid Friend: obviously Friend: use your leg or something Friend: fuck knows why im helpng you do this Me: hahhhahahhaha Me: i actually cracked up Me: lmfao Friend: but until you realise better Friend: me saying Friend: dont do it Friend: wont achieve shit Me: agreed Friend: but you need to know you're retarded for doing it Me: heard that a bit much lately Me: just makes me feel spite Me: yeh i know it's retarded Friend: you're smart enough to suffer until you have a better answer Me: aye Me: i get it Friend: you might hate me a little for saying it Me: just dont have a better answer atm Friend: but personally i think you shouldn't be shit sad Friend: this* Me: elaborate Friend: i know its all relative obviously Friend: but tons of people would kill to have the kind of breakup you had Friend: yeh things will be a little tough but you still have someone close (at least thats what we know for now) Friend: you need to thing of all the good things Friend: and think like Friend: ok magic lamb Friend: genie magic Friend: go Friend: change your situation Me: i am Me: i've started working on myself and shit Friend: lamp* Me: am meeting ppl pretty much every day and shit Me: going out more, doing new things Me: but when i get home the rest of it takes over Friend: but would you be doing that if you knew you had no chance with her? Me: id probably Me: take a few days to just fucking sulk to be honest Friend: i mean i understand how decisions are influenced to match your S/o Me: and then try and work on it Friend: but a "change" like that needs to be genuine or its all superficial Friend: and fragile Me: no yeah like Me: ive been thinking like Me: last couple days like Me: as much as i hate that this is happening Me: maybe it's a good thing in the big picture Me: because i'd become so fucking like Me: isolated Me: i was only really meeting her Me: and chilling with her Me: never really met or did anything with friends Me: so in a way it was a wake up call Me: made me realize that i had to water the crops so i could keep on reaping them Me: still have my eyes on the prized flower ofc Me: but it kinda made me realize that she isnt the only thing thats important to me Me: shes obviously really fucking important to me but it really kind of woke me up Me: like a splash of water to the face Me: like Me: "shit i fucking. i gotta get off my ass and meet friends and shit" Friend: yeh its true Me: made me understand how important all that shit is to me kind of Friend: as you get older, you need to always make an active effort Friend: to stay on top of friends Me: yeh Me: cause i was very reliant on her in a way Me: and as much as i want that to be a thing still Me: it made me understand that i can also rely on other people Me: i can also look to other people Me: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things thatMe: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things that Me: i originally didnt like to do with her Me: or like Me: "didnt like" Me: it made me realize i was just being a shitter in my own world Me: i actually enjoy a  lot of those things Friend: thats also a tricky thing tho Friend: like feeling that a bad aspect about you needs fixing Me: just didnt understand it cause i was so stuck in my loop Me: yeh sure maybe im just saying/doing that to make myself feel better unconsciously but at least its something right Me: a different perspective Me: like Me: i find myself Me: actually wanting to go on walks Me: i find myself actually wanting to do all this shit i thought i hated doing Me: i feel more awake in a sense Me: so while i still really want her back i think ive kind of found the light at the end of the tunnel in a way Me: a different light than i was originally searching for, maybe Me: but a light nonetheless Friend: i get you Friend: a little advice is try not to mention any "changes" you have Friend: personally its just better if a person realises your changes from seeing it first hand Friend: dont be that guy who promotes himself Me: yeh cause it'll maybe make her think im trying to change for her or something Friend: yeh Me: instead of actually changing Friend: dont advertise it ever Friend: just know what you're showing and how you're acting is a result of work and mentality Friend: if it shows it shows Friend: if it doesnt then who cares Friend: you do you for you Friend: it would just be good obv if the flower gets it without any assist Me: yeah Me: for sure Me: i think Me: if we end up hanging out again and shit Me: i'm pretty sure i'm still just gonna Me: want to ask her to go out for a walk and do shit and all that Me: because i feel that desire now Me: even if i'm making cuts on my arms and drinking like a maniac Me: like i still feel like im making progress Me: even if my current ways of coping with the pain are fucking retarded Me: and im very aware of that Me: i kinda feel like i can maybe learn from being a fucking moron for a little bit though Me: understand a bit better how that is, how the perspective switches you know Friend: yeh Me: notes to be had Me: dont advertise change Me: it gives the wrong impression Me: might make her think its superficial Me: uhhhHHh Me: stop being retarded at some point obviously Friend: tbh a big thing of being in your head too much Friend: is if you're not actually busy Friend: so try and do mre Friend: in the day Friend: tire yourself out Friend: budget your time bette Friend: r Friend: dont yolo days Me: i feel like being a moron and behaving irresponsibly for a bit is ok because this is the most painful shit ive gone through ever pretty much Friend: cus then you just think about shit you dont need to Friend: cus you've nothing better to do Me: yeh Me: plan shit Me: do things Me: make plans in advance etc etc Friend: that might help Me: i feel like Me: idk if im wrong abt this Me: but Me: i think it's okay to be a moron for a bit Friend: personally Friend: i mean it makes sense Me: obviously you're the fuckin logic sensei and all that Friend: but think of dota shitters who are like Friend: im 2k so i dont need to get dust Friend: cus at that point its ignorance after the fact Me: and, again: i'm actively referring to myself as a fuckin moron so i understand that this shit is just retarded Friend: like choosing the ignorance Friend: thats cool Me: but atm it feels like it's aight Friend: but like how i avoid saying sorry Friend: if you keep calling yourself a moron Friend: that word wont mean shit Me: it'll lose meaning yeh Friend: cus your brain will just go Me: i'll just say sth else lol Friend: ive called myself that for weeks Friend: /months Me: yeh Me: i get you Me: stops meaning anything Me: idk. maybe im just not ready to like Me: take the leap Friend: yeh see thats legit to accept Friend: things like that take some time Friend: some wisdom Me: yeah Friend: so you make the call when you think you're ready Friend: some people never are ready Friend: and need the push Friend: but give yourself a chance Friend: to figure it out yourself Me: i think i will know soon enough Friend: before you get pushed Me: yeah Me: i definitely needed the push Me: the breakup was a big push tbh Me: really shoved me in the deep of it Me: like i said Me: made me understand what i value and all that Friend: yeh thats something that sucks Friend: but its kinda nice to Friend: too* Me: yeh Me: bittersweet Friend: you def feel growth once you realise what you had Friend: after you loseit Friend: yeh Friend: you'll see things a little differently now Me: yeah Me: if things take off again with her Me: i'll understand better what i want and what she wants Me: the growth is a nice feeling despite all the shittiness Me: it's some what relieving i guess Me: to understand myself a little better Me: man my coworkers were constantly telling me to cover up the cuts today Me: felt kinda bad tbh Friend: it should Me: cause im not ashamed of them really Friend: you showing other people makes it their problem Friend: because you would rightfully say Friend: hey if you're a good person Friend: and you see someone in troble Friend: you'd help Friend: so you openly showing something wrong Friend: doesnt make it just a hraug problem Me: i guess that's true Friend: so its fine not to be ashamed Friend: but do it for the others around you Me: yeah Me: that's fair Me: i feel like its kind of important that Me: like Me: im not trying to show anything Me: does that make sense like Me: im not pulling up my sleeves as a cry for help im just trying to not get them dirty while i work Me: but i obviously understnad that people seeing that shit is gonna have some effect on them one way or another Me: im just kinda like Me: obviously its not as simple as saying "it's none of your business" but that's kind of how i feel anyways Me: cuz its not something that im trying to show Me: its not something i think people should worry about Me: because i dont worry about it Me: but maybe im just being ignorant Me: or sth Me: idk Friend: yeh you are Friend: just get some bandages and perma keep em on Friend: but again its just normal sadness that you're feeling its no different to a normal breakup, you should try for a week to not to cut or stuff Friend: cus its not a smart way to deal with sadness in general Friend: especially when its nowhere near as bad as just out right being rejected due to failure or anything else Me: thats true i guess Me: idk though. i feel like that argument just goes back to like Me: children in africa and all that shit Friend: yeh dw about that just think he this is how i feel in this situation Friend: so just try and understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling Friend: that'll help you tackle how you feel Friend: and in the future it will make sense Friend: you;ll see the same signs Friend: etc etc Me: yeah Me: i suppose Me: that is true. Me: dude im so drunk lmfao i was actually considering asking you if you wanted to see my cuts Me: lmfoashdjgk Me: complete retard over here Me: god damn Me: ugh Me: i think i need to sleep maybe Friend: lol well i understand why you'd say it Friend: it wont phase me Friend: but i wont condone it Me: nah Me: i get that Friend: yeh that's smart Me: im the same w that w other people Me: condoning is not good Me: but theres a difference between condoning and like Me: accepting Me: i guess? Friend: yeh Friend: but cutting is a last resort in my head Friend: so im surprised you jumped str8 there Friend: but again we're all diferent Friend: ff* Me: i Me: tried it at first Me: because i was kinda curious Me: wondered it if it'd do anything for me Me: cause i know some people that have done it and said it helped them cope Friend: yeh it def helps nodoubt Me: and i was curious cause i havent really found anything to cope Friend: but again Friend: in my head its a last resort Me: havent had any desire to play any games in the last week Me: which is my usual coping method Me: yeh Friend: i see Me: but we're all different Me: like you said Me: i gotta stop drinking Me: rofl Friend: hah Friend: ive heard that a trillion times Friend: its shameful Me: feels bad Me: feels kinda good Me: but it feels bad Friend: lol Friend: welcome to the drunk life Me: hahahha Me: yeh Me: im learning to drink through this actually Me: learning how to pace myself Friend: absinth was a tricky one for me Friend: hate the taste Me: never had it afaik Me: did my first tequila shot tonight Friend: you'll know when you taste it Friend: you cant taste anythign Me: shit was nasty Friend: but that Friend: you could lick a hobos ass Friend: and not taste anything Friend: but absinth Me: shit Me: is it as agressive as gin? Me: gin is fucking nasty Me: like eating the bark of an orange Friend: its like Friend: gin Friend: super saiyan steroids Friend: +10 Me: ugh Me: nvm then Friend: you gta try it Friend: if you do it Friend: have like a single shot Friend: as a first drink Me: how strong is it? Friend: so you can taste it and shit Me: yeh Friend: its the strongest there is i think Friend: like 60% Friend: something stupid Me: ohhh bitch Me: that is nasty Me: aight well Me: im gonna fucking Me: sleep Me: cheers for the chat dude Me: always a pleasure Friend: likewise Friend: nn dude

[ingloriousbi]

so i dropped two things i was “supposed”  to have in my portfolio but its otherwise p huge, has EXTRA things, super wel done if i do say so myself, v. elaborate. now i got an hour!!!! for 4000 words of “so how are u as a teacher exactly?” i think imma take a 15 min break bc i been working for 3 hours, and then bang some shit out. Im v tempted to just take my time, like.. the blackboard thing doesnt close so whatre they gonna do if I uploaded it at 2am instead of 11:59?

i think i might email the teacher that likes me and go: listen, I fucked up, I thought it was a different date (like the 18th or something) for the portfolio and zelfreflectie. i was texting with a friend who was like, no its the 16th. thats why I’m a couple of hours late. My extreme excuses; totally my fault. I hope you will accept the portfolio anyways im so sorry!! its 2am and i totally understand if I need to do the resit.

bc when u do that teachers are impressed u pulled an allnighter when ur planning was a day or two later (if u say its a week later they wont believe u bc how can u make something good if you still had a week in ur supposed planning? but if its a day or two theyre like ohh she was already really far anyway), and she loves me so she’ll prolly be liek. renee its totally fine!! i love u!!! i totally get it and a couple of hours is fine. 

imd ying

[sakuurae]

I need advice. So I've always been congratulated about the way I write and a couple months ago I wrote a drama for college and the teacher said it was so good and that it was the best drama a student had written; he even asked me for copies to keep to himself I felt really proud cause I really gave my best and I honestly love the story I wrote. So yes I've always liked writing even tho I tend to be lazy about it. Yesterday I was extra soft for sicheng after reading a fluff one shot +

+ and I started having ideas for a fix so I wrote some notes down so I wouldn't forget those ideas but I wasn't sure if I should write something. Today I decided to give it a try and I mean I like what I've written so far but I tend to extend a lot the content when I'm writing. So since I know what's gonna be the outcome I feel like the story's interesting even if it's developing slowly but I'm afraid other's might not like it? Since I tend to write a lot I think I'll do it as a real fic +

+or just a big ass story because im terrible at making chapter ends so idk im just really nervous?? Also even tho influent in english, it's not my native language so reading other peoples stuff like yours makes me feel like Im lacking and it got me nervous. So idk do you have any advice for me? Id appreciate anything since it's my first time writing for this kind of audience. Im still not sure if I'll ever publish it, I need to make sure some ppl read it when I finish to see if they like it. -r.

Aaaahh, i see i see. Honestly, this will probably be one of those ‘easier-to-say’ type of things. But i believe that as long as you, as the writer, are content with your work then thats all that should really matter.

In further elaboration, you say you like what you have written to far and i find that the most important :) of course, there is also the factor of you and the audience—but the audience should forever be a bonus or an extra component. You shouldnt let external elements like those have an effect on your writing because then you would no longer be writing for yourself anymore, in a sense. Youd hold yourself back due to the thoughts of others restricting the vault of what youd want to write, entirely the way you ache to. Id say to go at your own pace, write however long and much youd like, and even develop your story slowly if thats what you want to do. After all, it is your fic, your writing, and your time that you are dedicating to it. It should be written in ways that you enjoy; otherwise, you wouldnt be entirely content with the finished product!

Ill toss everything else under the cut because this is quite a long response :)

Your writing is yours and you should work in whatever ways youd like. I think that if everyone took into account the audience and had a fear that ones writing would not be enjoyed for certain reasons, which would restrict the creativity drive, then everyone would be writing the same way—and it would be difficult to be unique. Of course, everyone has their own personal preferences as well—some like long fics and others dont, but thats okay at the end of the day.

Speaking on my part, i was hesitant and nervous to upload a fic that was 6k, then 12k, 14k, and soon 20k—and it was because i used to keep the audience in mind a lot. But after brushing it to the side and writing stories the way and pace i like is more fulfilling, and the writing feels more like me.

Fighting the nervous feeling is difficult at times, but i assure you that once you take your first step youll be on your way :) and first steps are always the hardest, as many say! Look at how much work you already committed: you were congratulated for your writing in college, took notes for ideas, and became content with the work you have so far. All you have to do is keep on going—for yourself.

For english not being your native language, its very good! Ehehehe. You shouldnt feel nervous from reading others works; we all took our own steps and walked our own paths to get to where we are/develop the style we write in. For me, i used to suck at english and writing (i even had the lowest lexicon in my class before, and it was embarrassing to the core for me! [so i worked hard]). My “large vocabulary” and “flow of words” that contribute to my style, and other factors that people message me about, did not come to me from no where, and in a short amount of time. I tutored people in creative writing, read a ton of books and took notes myself, perused a lot of word lists (and i still do to this day)—so it really does not come from no where.Feeling small due to others creations is the worst feeling, but there are endless ways to overcome it.

In regards to getting your work out there and making sure people read it, all i can really say is to tag your creations properly and play the waiting game!

Remember, everything takes time :)

[strawberryspeachy]

So let me just share what happened ALL AT ONCE a week ago

The teacher i worked with and wrote about liking SEEMED to warm up to being coworker friends with me. He was looking out for me, deliberately waiting to walk with me to and from classes. Smiling and laughing and ENGAGING in conversation with me. And ok

I’ve talked to quite a few other teachers in my school and they ALL KNOW how to cut off a conversation. They do the lean away (i gotta go make it quick) they burry their nose into their work (ahh so busy cant listen) they SAY theyre busy. They dont ask follow up questions. They dont elaborate on answers. Im not that fucking stupid. I am stupid. But not that stupid

This boy started basically laying his head on my shoulder when we talked. Hed look up stuff I was telling him about on the spot not - oh write that down and ill check it out - no. Immediate. It i didnt ask him follow up questions to something he said hed talk more as if I did and leave them on a ‘ask me about that’ note like hint hint. I wanna keep talking. Not to mention how hed reach across me to get stuff. Touch my hand whenever possible (mind you none of my other teachers ever touched my hand with giving me stuff) just all in all gave the i like talking and were close here vibe. Hed complain to me and tell me “secrets”

I was just sad he didnt like me as more. But i was content being like this as coworkers.

Well. I fucked up and said (while laughing. Not an intense way) youve called me your friend twice now, does that mean were friends. I fully fully expected him to say yea yea were friends.

No it didnt go down that way

Instead thag led straight into him telling that he never wanted to hang out with me. He just said that. He doesnt like me. He doesnt like talking to me or texting me. And basically im just super fucking annoying.

So ok. Thats bad enough right. The only person in this country I thought was even close to something of a friend. Actually dislikes me

But wait. Dislike might be too weak.

Because it didnt end there.

He not only reported all the non school related conversations we had to get me in trouble. He also lied about things I said and did. Going so far as to accuse me of harassing and stalking him.

K maybe go back up and read how he was waiting for me to walk to class and almost leaning on me and - oh yea. Responded to every message i sent. Real responces. Not ‘ya’ or ‘ok’ and emojis and stickers and stuff... like that didnt read as “stop messaging me”

But my school was like yea - get her the fuck out.

So i got kicked out of my school.

But wait there’s more

My company was like - why arent you a mind reader. We got reports over a month ago that youd caused problems. But we decided not to tell you. We take no blame and youre fired. (Thats putting all the bs they said shortly. Havent even gone into how they didnt look into it. They didnt care about my side. They didnt talk yo one another and taunted me while fireing me)

So so far.

Guy i liked and thought was my work friend: hates me

School whose students i loved working with and made me want to skip weekends so i could return: fired

Company that provides me income: fired

But thats not allll

My company rented my apartment for me. So not only was I fired. Im also getting evicted. On christmas! Merry fucking christmas

And the reason i didnt wanna move out of here before is because i have to pay an early leaving fee, pay a AT MINIMUM 500 dollar cleaning fee!!, and ya know pay fucking movers to move or shippers to come get my stuff to be shipped becauseeee

As i felt. Everyone i met through my company are not my friends. I have no friends here. I am all alone in another country. No income. No place to live

Ive been applying to other jobs like crazy and apartments.

Actually actually here. Let me give you the two taunts my boss made while firing.

Right after he told me how i should have been able to read between the lines. Pretty sure he muted me whenever i talked about why it seemed my coworker enjoyed my company. Yeah immediately after he told me that several times. He said “teachers here often end up marrying other teachers because they work together and have the same hours and understand each other” um? Anyone know why hed throw that in there while telling me i should have known that my coworker didnt want anything more than a strict colleage relationship. Cause thats really counteractive fucktard who (my ex boss) left his wife for his coworker.

And. In Japan. Any person from another country who works here has 100% heard of gaijinpot. Thats how most people get here. Everyone knows that website. My ex boss said. (After telling me im unemployable now) “i know a place where you can find alot of english teaching jobs” AND WROTE DOWN FUCKING GAIJINPOT AS HE LEFT

MOTHERFUCKER

And thats it. Thats my life now. I asked someone who said if i ever need help to help me and really didnt wanna. And i shouldnt have because he said “youre for move is to find a job and a new place to live” gosh damnit i sure am a fucktard arent i. That hadnt occured me. Not like i didnt literally write that in my message above asking if youd take my futton for a short while.

I mean just this year a friend... friend. No. Person i knew since first grade who had a house and who i asked if i coild pay rent while i find a place to go if my family impulsively throws me on the streets was like - ehhhhh i really just wanna have sex in my house so no.

So i really shouldnt have even hoped someone here would help me.

Oh. And a wolf spider appeared in my room the day my coworker told me off.

And i saw an express train going all fast at the one station. And really really have been trying to convince myself that if i jump in front of it wont just slam into me creating the worst pain of my life as time slows down for me and i tumble downword to the track below the train where the wheels will rip me apart like scrambled eggs Completely aware of whats happening.

I just cant seem to imagine that going any other way except maybe that im thrown off the train and survive but never walk again.

So...

Not wanting to return to a place where my family will scream and make fun of me for being a fuck up again. While being forced to work a shitty service job and never see my friends cause theyre always busy. And never have anywhere to go.

Im trying to find another english job id like.... its not going well

Moving into a sharehouse.... i really dont want a roommate but i have no other choice cause im not even gonna be able to afford that with the fact that i only have a couple 1000 dollars and my rent alone will eat that meaning. Cant go do anything. So im aiming to be in the middle of tokyo. Living that city life i always wondered about.

Btw. The week before this happened id just accepted to myself that the city has too many people and i liked my little town with all the cheap stuff and my bike that kept me in shape. And that i coild see mount fuji on a clear day. This is why i dont approciate things. The second i have the thought its gone

[survivorindia]

Creepy random asshole who appears randomly at the beginning and then disappears. - Kendall (Episode 12)

https://youtu.be/cN6UaKTHxUA Ok heres what I want everyone to know. IM THE MOST PARANOID PERSON IN THE FUCKING WORLD. AND I CAN READ PEOPLE VERY WELL. AND I THINK I HAVE GONE MENTALLY INSANE BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL FUCKING AMAZING! If yall think that I am going to go home 9TH! place! NINTH FUCKING PLACE by the hands of the seasons biggest buffoons than yall dont know me very well HUH. Lexi g, kendall and I made an alliance chat today and it sat so good with me. I was like omg yas we finally have someone (Kendall and I) We finally do! ... Then I got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach and it was just something that did not sit right. I couldnt put my finger on it. I knew robin and alexis were voting me tn, and people have been after me hard core...since...well...before merge and the fact that Im sitting here in single digits is fucking surreal. Im probably going home soon.....SO WOULDNT IT MAKE SENSE FOR SOME ONE TO FLIP!? WOULDNT IT? I MEAN. IF I WAS IN ANYONE ELSES SHOES. I would make sure as FUCK to get me out. This is not cocky but like....im still here after how many fucking attempts? Which is why I think ash and lexi g are voting me out..OR GOING AGAINST me so thats both lexis, robin and ashley But lets look at the facts of why I think theyre going against me No one talks to me all day, except for alex and kendall. Interesting. Lexi G, plays lost puppy like no one cared about her in her alliance. Interesting. Ashley is being short with me. HM. Go on call with Lexi G, feel like abosoLUTE SHIT AND I KNOW SHES LYING TO ME, Lexi mentions ashley on call but backtracks and im like..........................oh my fucking god. !!! THEN HERE COMES THE STORM: I tell kendall ashley is voting me out, they make a chat, i tell kendall to add lexi g, this is secretly a test to see if my suspicions are true AND 5 MINS AFTER THE CHAT IS MADE ASHLEY ASKS ME WHY I THINK IM VOTING HER OUT LOLOLOLOLOLOLO FUCK OFF\ [6:17:53 PM] Sarah: ashley [6:17:57 PM] Sarah: can u just be honest [6:17:58 PM] Sarah: with me [6:17:59 PM] Sarah: like [6:18:01 PM] Sarah: legit [6:18:04 PM] Sarah: idc that ur voting me [6:18:07 PM] Sarah: but like [6:18:12 PM] Ashley Hudson: I am not voting you. [6:18:13 PM] Sarah: ive been NOTHING but straight up [6:18:17 PM] Sarah: like IT WOULD MAKE SENSE [6:18:25 PM] Sarah: I would do it if I were u [6:18:31 PM] Ashley Hudson: it wouldn't make sense I THINK IVE GONE INSANE BUT LIKE I HAVE A GUT FEELING I JUSY KNOW AND I HOPE ITS RIGHT OTHERWISE ASHLEYS GONNA HATE MEEEEE Ashley: you have been like my #1 this whole time why would I throw that away me thinking: YOU LITERALLY GOT "WHO DO U FORGET IS STILL PLAYING THIS GAME" IN TOUCHY SUBJECTS OF FUCKING COURSE YOU WANT TO MAKE A BIG MOVE IDC IF I GO HOME BY ROCKS IDFC BUT LIKE WHY DO THESE BITCHES THINL IM FUCKIJG STUPID IVE BEEN SAYING THIS ALL GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 NOW FOR THE HOME LANDING: Ashley: you have been like my #1 this whole time why would I throw that away you are the one that is aligned with Kendall, and I guess want Lexi G in on that? that's cool. #CONFIRMED LEXI G AND ASHLEY FLIPPED CONFIRMED AHDHDOIFHJSDOI;FKJSDF WHY WOULD ASHLEY KNOW ABOUT THAT OTHER THAN LEXI G FUCK OFF WERE GOING TO ROCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKS! SEE U ON THE OTHERSIDE BITCHES

The detailed account of my evil plan of which I shown to the Samantha that I had purchased-

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FC9bUbYixYpVNdOA6LwrnUhXryI4Bo3tnWLVqB4RgMY/edit

You know, I think I finally get it. I think I finally understand Sarah, Jordan, and even Gavin. Allow me to elaborate. Unless you have been drunk for this entire season, it is well known fact that we were surrounded by Pathological Liars. I'm not saying that to be a judgmental asshat, I came to this conclusion via unbiased observation. Jaiden.... Dom.... Ruben.... What do all these people have in common? If you said they had a dick, yes but that's not the point I'm trying to make. At one point or another someone on my side tried to reach out to them and be all like "Hey let's work together because no one would suspect it," Jaiden/Dom/Ruben would agree and not even five minutes after they make the vow, they would go out of their way to get those three out. Whether they expose them, give them false information, or just talk shit; these guys would always take advantage of the trust they were given and go out of their way to make a messy as fuck tribal. And after everything has gone to shit what do they do? They come crawling back like their battered wives and be like "Hey let's work together". And the same shit keeps happening over and over again. Until they get voted out. I almost fell into that cycle in the case of Robin but luckily my personality, which is one of a vengeful emotionally stunted woman child, prevented it from happening after she revealed me to Gavin. But I think I'm about to fall into it again... though this time with Lexi L. Lexi L. is a fascinating individual, without Gavin around, she appears to be a more rational and calculating kind of player. Given the right tools, I think she could make some sort of impact on the game. Plus her sense of humor is amazing! I really really want to keep her around and not just because I have a death wish or because I am bored. I think she could be a useful tool for my quest for world domination.... well game domination... If I learned anything from ORGs, this one in particular, it's that the truth doesn't really matter. Everyone has already crafted their own stories in their head, one's where they are the super heroes or the super villains, maybe even the damsel in distress. Even if the truth is shown right in their face, people refuse to accept it, instead finding refuge in their earlier perceptions. I think that's why the whole edgic thing is so popular, it falls in line with this kind of thinking. The story I want to "create" is an underdog story. One where the villain is Lexi L and the reluctant hero is myself. Lexi L takes out everyone I am aligned with, everyone who is considered a threat, and then at the final 4 or maybe the final 5, I behead the dragon. I promise I am not doing this to fuel my own ego nor do I have any real delusions of grandeur. I know and accept the fact that I'm not some messiah archetype, hell I'm not even the satan archetype. I'm more like the creepy random asshole who appears randomly at the beginning and then just sort of disappears. The thing is, they don't know that. All I need to do is to make them think the opposite of that fact. Plus if I do that Sarah, Alex and Gavin won't hate me forever! Which would be great because I like all of them very much and don't think I'll be able to handle their hatred. Now that I think about it, they'll probably hate forever after reading this..... Why am I putting this down in the confessionals again? Oh right because I went this entire season without gloating about some evil plan and it's starting to feel very weird. I think I want to work with Lexi L to make this happen. I want us to craft a story in which the hero and villain fight to the death... but I'm probably going to leave that part out if I ever pitch it to her. On paper this sounds like a good idea but only if you didn't read my first couple paragraphs... I have no sure way to control her. What I am I supposed to do rely on her benevolence and friendship? That is a terrible incentive for loyalty, I mean look at right now, I am literally plotting to destroy my own alliance. And the only thing that is supposed to stop me is the power of 'friendship' or 'showmance' or whatever... Clearly this isn't working! All it's doing is making me feel mildly guilty and paranoid. Another thing that's stopping me is the past. If one goes through my previous confessionals from previous games, you'll see they all have one thing in common. Well two things if you count the idol fucking... Every time I tried to flip or make a #bigmood, bad things follow. Don't believe me? Malaysia: Tried to help Mitchell, got voted out by everyone and their mothers. Rebels versus Rogues: Tried to help out Simon, got idol out. Technotits: Tried to help out little AJ, ended up voted out unanimously... again! I may be dumb enough to fall for the same thing three times in a row but not a forth! I mean, I think. Cause I already gave Lexi L. the map we've been using to find the vote negator, places we looked included. For all I know, she already showed it to Gavin, Alex, Ashley, and Liam. I'm not as concerned with Sarah cause I already told her but I'm not sure if one vote will make much of a difference. I don't want Lexi L. to be my Jaiden or Dom or Ruben, all that will really do is hinder me. But I want to do this plan so badly! If it seems like I wasted your time with a pointless subplot, chances are I have and I am almost sorry. I swear it's like nobody can make a decision on their own! Like it takes ten billion years for anything to get done! LIKE UGGGHHHHHHHHHH Also I think we found out what the opal idol does. And it's from Hellwaii so we hate it based on instinct.  Also now Sarah actually wants to vote out Gavin and I don't know how I feel about that...  I mean I can save her probably but should I? Because I don't think it's in my best interest to cheat a group of people who have my back over a group of complete strangers who don't.  On the other hand if I just be a good little puppy and tattle on her and save everyone, would it make a difference? I'll just be following the same path I have been trying to escape...  I know I know this is almost exactly what I asked for but I need the option to go back if things get to heavy. I adore Sarah but I shouldn't drop everything just because she asks me too.... The Gavin's plan was to have 4 vote for Lexi and 3 vote for Robin. Sarah is one of the Lexi votes so if I could convince her to flip and make it a  three three three vote (Lexi, Robin, Gavin) then we can flip with other Lexi and nobody will know it was us... Oh wait now it turns out that they want her out. Again, what did she do to piss these people off? I should probably stop editing in real time and actually submit this damn thing 

Well everything has gone to hell. I'm pretty sure Sarah has gone insane, she keeps saying that Ashley and Lexi G. are trying to get her out but refuses to explain why. She said it was a gut feeling and I guess, despite how psychotic she may sound, she could be right. Ashley isn't exactly close with any of us and was pretty crestfallen that she was picked out as most forgettable in touchy subjects. So her flipping would make sense. Lexi G is... well she has been going on and on with the woe is me crap and I almost bought into it. Fuck I actually did buy into it for like the past week and a half. There is just something off about her... like even someone like me could sense it. Right after Sarah told Lexi G that she was flipping the vote to Robin, the news started to get upset in the main chat. And honestly, I don't begrudge them for it. I mean, it seems like every time something would go their way something else would go in and stop them. They swap fuck Sarah and Ashley, we send them idols, Jaiden finds an idol, the hosts blurt it out in the VL, They finally get someone to flip to their side, SARAH GOES APE SHIT INSANE. If stuff like this happened to me on a day to day basis I would probably have a similar reaction. Hell I did have a similar reaction in Malaysia, though I was more mopey and passive aggressive. Also some chick named Julia (I think it's the magical one but I'm not really sure?) might be harassing Lexi L. And the hosts are allegedly talking shit about the contestants, the newbies in particular, and that's kind of messed up. Lexi L seems to be on the verge of quitting or she is just playing it up for our pity, at this point I really don't know. Like I want to empathize with her and the other contestants but I don't honestly know whether or not I should. Like sometimes it seems like there is layer after layer beneath them and every time I think I find a genuine emotion of some kind it turns out to be a lie. Like this shit happened all the time in High School, I don't exactly want to relive it in here. I know this differs from my usual calculating yet spacey confessionals about conspiracy theories or how weak I am but this is supposed to be fun, not just for me and my allies but for everyone around us. We should be enjoying coming up with strategies and trying to fight each other. We should be talking and having fun but we aren't... everyone seems to genuinely hate each other. And any reach across the aisle is seen as some sort of threat. I liked being friends with Robin, I liked talking to Lexi L about the 100 and other things, fuck I even liked talking to Jaiden and his day to day life. I didn't want to betray them or be mean to them, even when I talked shit in confessionals I mostly did it for my own amusement. Yeah things are going well but I can't help but feel like this is undeserved. Like power came at the cost of everyone else's enjoyment. It's like the final battle with Master Hand in Super Smash Bros Brawl. You go through all these stages against the master hand, from beginning stages to the end but then... he just turns into an orb. He doesn't fight back, he doesn't do anything he just lies there waiting to be defeated. If this is all just an elaborate ploy to get us to lower our guards then seriously fuck you. I hate it when my emotions over power my brain and if you guys did it on purpose that is a new fucking low. It's not smart it's not clever it's just unnecessary cruelty and I hate you for it. But if it's the truth... then I'm sorry.

Well Sarah decided to play her Ruby Idol... I am probably fucked... Well if I go home know that I am not going to stop spamming the confessional because fuck you that's why.

Well Sarah decided to play her Ruby Idol... I am probably fucked... Well if I go home know that I am not going to stop spamming the confessional because fuck you that's why. Well, Haven't made on of these in a while. Oops. So the game is going okay, Sarah and I are working together pretty closely. Though she usually lives up to her villain title so I will forever be on guard with her. Gavin and I are still okay I guess, I think he might be getting closer to the other "side" or he just is getting closer to Alex, who knows. Pretty much our group is me, Sarah, Gavin, and Alex, from what I can see right now. We haven't talked much in that chat because we are still working with the bigger group but as number dwindle I can see us talking much more in our alliance chat. I am not too salty about Jordan leaving (A while ago, I know) but I do miss his strategic ways. We just did touchy subjects, and I didn't receive the answers that I usually get, which is cool because I am trying to play this game a bit different than I usually do. In fact, I got the "who do you forget is playing?" Majority vote. Yeah, that would be because I am doing shit behind y'all's back, duh. I think by the end of this game, my stance as a "hero" will not quite be true anymore and I am excited. Should be interesting.

Alright, so I found the negator that my whole alliance has been looking for. But tbh I ain't going to tell them because it could come in handy for my game later. I don't want the game to end up being just my alliance and have my ass end up on the bottom unable to do anything so hopefully to shake things up later I can keep that I have the negator under wraps. Maybe they will "forget" I am even a person that could have it. ;)

[201xs]

hes my favorite warm up drawing