#internal dialogue deep as shit

[sofasoap]

Teddy Bear

Pairing: John Price x F! Reader

Summary: You bump into a handsome stranger while shopping. meet cute.

Warning: M Theme. VERY slight mention of Innuendoes. Alcohol use. assumptions.

A/N: for @a-small-writer-in-a-big-world, hope this will give you a tiny etsy warm fuzzy feeling with our dear Johnathan Price.

not beta'ed or proof read.

Master list

“Aunty Bear! Come on!!”

Letting out a sigh, half regretting letting your adorable niece and nephew have the free rein to choose any present they want as they drag you by the pants through aisle after aisle at the local department store. 

You haven’t seen your sister’s family for over a year. You were astonished how big they have grown in the time between, especially your little niece. Seems only yesterday you were cradling her in your arm as a newborn, and now her little feet can zoom around faster than a sports car, even her six year old brother is having hard time keeping up. 

 “Alright alright, steady there, I can’t keep up with you when I can’t see where I am going!” you warned the little girl as you adjusted the oversized teddy bear in your arms, at the same time trying to navigate blindly. At the end you just give up and let her pull whichever direction she leads you. 

Suddenly you collide with an obstacle, sending you reeling. A strong muscular arm caught you in time before you fell onto the shelves.  

“Apologies, are you alright there?” A deep husky voice above your head asks as they try to steady your footing, and only to let go after they are sure both of your feet are firmly back on the ground again. 

Your face heats up as soon as you lift your head up to take a good peek at your saviour ( or victim of your blind walking ), gezez he is tall, you thought. Very handsome too. Nicely groomed beard, piercing blue eyes, slight wrinkles around his eyes and between brows. He must frown pretty often. 

“Ohh, aunty look, he’s got a furry face!” your two year old niece pointed at the stranger, as she stared at him with wonder. 

“That’s called a beard Lizzy, not fur.” your nephew corrected his sister, rolling his eyes. 

“Actually that is a mutton chop.. “ you blurted out without thinking. Seconds later  your eyes grew wide, realising what you just said.  

‘Shit um, sorry, uh, I apologise.. Sorry to run into you. And Um, commenting on your…” you dropped the large teddy bear on the floor, while one hand covering your mouth, waving around towards his beard, horrified. 

The handsome stranger chuckled. “It’s ok. It’s always been a talking point. I am used to it.” 

Embarrassed beyond words, you shake your head. You swallowed hard before you squeezed more words of apology out of your mouth.

“Really it’s Ok. I know it’s hard to chase around the kids when your hands are full.” he commented.

“From experience?” you asked, eyebrows raised, and feeling that slight ping of disappointment in your heart. He must be married. You thought. You took a quick glance at his left hand. No rings. Your heart soars again.

“ I guess chasing and yelling after three adults that behave like kids you can count as that.” He replied as he let out a short laugh. “Especially ones that don't follow your command when they are off duty.” 

Seeing your brows knitted together with confusion at his comment, “ My subordinate. Those three are like my sons.” he smiled softly. 

You swear the room spun a bit after seeing his smile. Or are you swooning? 

Get your brain straight! You mentally slap yourself. You are here shopping for presents, not ogling on eligible or dateable people!

You felt your nephew tugging at your clothes, snapping you out of your internal dialogue. “Aunty Bear, I am hungry, can we go home and have lunch please?” he pouted. 

“Ah um, ok, let’s go and pay for this and we can go home, ya?” you replied, ready to bend down to pick up the teddy bear from the floor. A shadow loomed over you. The stranger had bent over, arms out. 

“I’ll carry that for you, if you don’t mind. Also be easier to hold onto your niece as well.” he gestured. 

Gosh how nice can this man be? You ran into him, and now he is offering to help you to carry your purchase? 

You nodded your head, whispered a thanks, before you turned and picked your niece up into your arms. 

The stranger picks the teddy bear up under his arm with ease, while your nephew carries the rest of the items, as four of you walk towards the register. 

“Aunty … he’s like a real giant teddy bear..” your niece whispered into your ear. “And his arms are furry too, just like his face.” 

The stranger turned around, “My chest is quite furry too. And legs. Just like a real bear.” he added with a mischievous smile.

Your face burnt with embarrassment. Is he trying to flirt with you? There is no way. NOPE. 

You speed up your pace to get to the register, even more embarrassed.   

“Daddy and mummy buying presents for you two?” the old lady at the register asked the children with a smile as she ring up the items. 

“Oh no no no we are not… “ “she’s not…I am just helping her..“ both of you shake your head, denying. Your face heated up again at the thought.  How much more embarrassment can you take today? But part of your heart is actually amused at the situation.

“Oh sorry.. Just four of you look so lovely together..” the lady apologised. “Sorry to make the assumption.” 

You took a peek at the stranger as he accepted the apology and gracefully redirected the conversation with the lady with little chit-chat.  

He was even nice enough to help you to carry everything to the car, “Need help to put it into the boot, wife?”  he joked as he flashes you a smile. 

“Ah, thanks, um uh,  you shouldn’t have.” you stuttered slightly hearing his joke. You pop the boot open, letting him stuff the large teddy bear in. “I ran into you and here you are helping me, I feel very bad. So um, Can I buy you a coffee or something as an apology and as a thanks for the help?” 

A sad apologetic smile appeared on his face. Looking at his watch he replied, “It’s Ok. I have to leave soon. Plus,” he pointed at the two children standing beside you, pouting. “I think they are getting bit.. What is the word, hangry? So I think it’s time to feed them.” 

Disappointment hits you. The one time you raise your courage to ask someone, you get turned down. 

“Maybe next time?” he suddenly asked. 

“Oh. Um. I .. I am not from around here. I am only here to visit my sister and family..” 

Now is that a look of disappointment on his face? 

“Oh. That’s fine. Well, nice to meet you. Have a safe drive home.” Giving you a final wave as you double check the children are buckled into their seats, you drive out from the car park, while the stranger is still standing at the same spot, seeing you off. 

Oh well. Not meant to be. You convinced yourself. Suppressing that sadness that is bubbling up within you. 

Your sister was ecstatic when you told her you found a new job nearby. She often complaints about how the children misses you, how she misses you, and the job opportunity around the city is better than the one you are currently living in, plus she has a granny flat in her backyard, you save a bit on rent, get to stay with your family while still have your own private space. Tonight a group of you decided to go out and celebrate one of your workmate’s birthday. And you always wanted to check out this particular bar that always seems to be full of people. Everyone you asked raved about the good selection of drink and food. “And maybe you might meet that handsome stranger again!” your friend joked.

You rolled your eyes. You knew you shouldn’t have let that story out. It’s been nearly over a year. They might have moved on. They might have forgotten about you. Surely in such a big city, the chance of bumping into the same person is quite slim. 

“It’s your birthday! I’ll get your next drink!” you wave at your friend, declining her offer of money as you jump off the stool, ready to get your second pint of beer.  As soon as you turned around, you bumped into a wall of broad chest. The stranger caught you just in time, and pulled you into his chest to prevent you from falling. You felt his chest rumble as he chuckled. You recognise that laugh. 

“Hello teddy bear lady, we really should stop meeting like this.”

Oh deary me. Maybe luck is on your side. 

tag list :

@a-small-writer-in-a-big-world @homicidal-slvt

@floral-force @okayyadriana @cumikering @siilvan

@random-thot-generator @random0lover @devcica @jynxmirage @nrdmssgs @glitterypirateduck @rileyslibrarian

@mistydeyes, @groguspicklejar,

@whydoilikewhump @captainpriceslover, @tapioca-marzipan

[skaruresonic]

The common rebuttal to "this reads like fanfic (derogatory)" is "read better fanfic," which is true in certain cases, but on the other hand, there is some grain of truth to the idea that you can tell when someone's primary mode of literary analysis is fanfic instead of... well... literally anything else. It's okay to like or even prefer fanfic, but if you want to take your craft seriously you also need to read books, dude. Published books will teach you a lot of stuff fanfic doesn't, like proper dialogue formatting and how to introduce your reader to unfamiliar characters. Even the crappiest book (well, if it's not After or 50 Shades, which started off as fanfic to begin with lol) will have been subjected to some sort of editing process to ensure at least the appearance of proper grammar. That's not a guarantee with your average fanfic, and hence why you can't always take all your writing cues from fanfic because it's "so much better" than commercially published original fiction or whatever. Frankly, fic writers tend to peddle some absolutist and downright bad takes sometimes. "Said is dead" is a terrible rule, though not because said is invisible and a perfectly serviceable tag; that's just part of it. Dialogue tags are a garnish, not a main dish that can be swapped out for more ostentatious words. If your characters murmur and mutter instead of simply saying stuff, your readers are going to wonder why nobody speaks up. "'I'm explaining some very plot-important shit right now lol,' she elaborated," likewise, is a form of telling. Instead of letting the reader extrapolate that "she elaborated" via the contents of the dialogue itself, you're telling them what to think about it. And that's why it's distracting: your authorial hand is showing. Writing is an act of camouflage. You, as the writer, need to make your presence as invisible as possible so as to not intrude on the reader's suspension of disbelief. That's the driving reason behind "show, don't tell." And overall, everyone could stand to cut down on the frequency of their dialogue tags anyway. Not every exchange needs "he said" or "she whispered" attached as long as you establish who is doing the talking before the exchange. Some people will complain of confusion if you go on for too long without a dialogue tag, and that definitely is a risk, but at some point you also need to resist the temptation of holding the reader's hand. If they can't follow a conversation between two people, chances are they weren't meeting you halfway and paying that much attention in the first place. In fact, you don't even necessarily need action beats in between every piece of dialogue, as Tumblr writing advice posts will often suggest as a fix. Pruning things often cleans them up just fine.

Another fanfic-influenced trend in writing is, I guess, beige prose? A heavy focus on internal narration with lots of telling. It's not a style I can concretely describe, but every time I click on a non-mutual's writing, I feel like it always has, like. This "samey" voice to it. There's no real attempt to experiment and use unique or provocative language, or even imagery half the time. It's almost a dry recital of narration that doesn't leave much room for subtext. I see this style most often in fanfic where you can meander and wax poetic about how the characters feel without ever really getting around to the plot. And it's like. DO something.

Other tells that the author is taking their cues from fanfic mores rather than books: >>too much minute description of eyes, especially their color and their movement >>doesn't leave much room for subtext (has a character speak their every thought aloud instead of letting the reader infer what they're thinking via action or implication) >>too much stage action ("X looked at Y. Y moved to push their seat in. X took a deep breath and stepped toward Y with a determined look on his face. 'We need to talk,' he said.") >>tells instead of shows, even when the example is about showing instead of telling ("he clenched his teeth in agony" instead of just "he clenched his teeth") >>has improper dialogue tag formatting, especially with putting full stops where there should be commas ("'Lol and lmao.' she said" instead of "'Lol and lmao,' she said." This one drives me up a wall) >>uses too many dialogue tags >>"em dashes, semi-colons and commas, my beloved" - I get the appeal but full stops are your friends. Too much alternate punctuation makes your writing seem stilted and choppy. >>"he's all tousled brown hair and hard muscle" and "she's all smiles and long legs." This turn of phrase is so cliche, it drives me up a wall. Find less trite ways of describing your characters pls. >>"X released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding" >>every fucking Hot Guy ever is described as lean and sinewy >>sobbing. why is everyone sobbing. some restraint, pls >>Tumblr in general tends to think a truism counts as good writing if you make the most melodramatic statement possible (bonus: if it's written in a faux-archaic way), garnish it with a hint of egotism, and toss in allusions to the Christian God, afterlife, or death. ("I will stare God in the face and walk backwards into hell," "What is a god to a nonbeliever?") It's indicative of emotional immaturity imo, that every emotional truth need be expressed That Intensely in order to resonate with people. >>pushes the "Oh." moment as the pinnacle of Romantic Epiphany >>Therapy Speak dialogue. why is this emotionally constipated forty-something man who drinks himself stupid every morning to escape gruesome war memories speaking about his trauma like a clinical psychologist >>"this well-established kuudere should Show More Emoshun. I want him to break down crying on his love interest's shoulder from all his repressed trauma" - I am begging u. stop >>"why don't the characters just talk to each other?" "why can't we have healthy relationships?" I don't know, maybe because fiction is not supposed to be a model for reality and perfect communication makes for boring drama?

>>improperly using actions as dialogue tags ("'Looks like we're going hunting,' he grinned") >>why is everyone muttering and murmuring. speak up >>too many adverbs, especially "weakly" and "shakily." use stronger verbs. ("trembled" instead of "shook weakly") >>too many epithets ("the younger man" or "the brunette detective") >>too many filter words ("he felt," "she thought," "I remembered")

>>no, Tumblr, first-person POV is not the devil; you're just using way too many filter words (see above) and not enough sentence variation to make it flow well enough. First-person POV is an actually pretty good POV (not just for unreliable and self-aware narrators) if you know what you're doing and a lot of fun crafting an engaging character voice. Tumblr's hatred of first-person baffles me, and all I can think is you would only hate it if your only frame of reference was, like, My Immortal. Have you tried reading A Book? First-person POV is just another tool in your toolbox, and like all tools, it can be used properly or improperly. But it's not inherently a marker of bad writing. The disdain surrounding it strikes me as about as sensical as making fun of the concept of characters. Oh, your work has characters in it? Ew, I automatically click off a fic if it has characters in it. like what.

[mumms-the-word]

Illithid Souls - Part 3

The Case Studies: Karlach and Gale

Welcome to the third and final part of this wild deep dive rabbit hole monstrosity that is the three-part series about illithid souls and whether mind flayers, or specifically you as a mind flayer, have a soul.

If you read Part 1 and Part 2, then you know that yes, illithids have souls, they're just different souls that the gods don't recognize as souls because they're non-apostolic, or incapable of divine worship (as opposed to being apostolic like most humanoid souls). You now also know that you turning into a mind flayer is a bit of a special case because of the Netherese magic in the tadpoles, and this might be why you retain more of your soul than normal mind flayers would.

Also, a quick reminder of the two theories we're working with here: Theory 1 is that when someone becomes a mind flayer they essentially just die and their (apostolic) soul moves on to the Fugue Plane and the mind flayer body just gets a new illithid soul from somewhere. Theory 2 is that when someone becomes a mind flayer their soul is transformed and altered into an illithid soul, which remains tethered to the mind flayer body. BG3 seems to operate more on the Theory 2 side of things, but as we'll see with Karlach and Gale, it's more complicated than you think.

So let's deep dive, shall we?

The Case of Karlach

I'm going to be candid here and say that the mind flayer ending for Karlach makes me really sad, even knowing that there's a very high chance that her soul is mostly intact and she is mostly still Karlach. But there's no denying she's at least a little different, though the game tries to comfort us otherwise after she transforms.

Narrator: *She is transformed. Her body is no longer hers, but her eyes, her heart - she is still Karlach, for now. Only - there's a hunger in her eyes that wasn't there before.*

That "for now" is rather ominous, isn't it? But we have enough evidence from Tav/Durge/other Origins and Orpheus to suggest that the likelihood of her retaining her memories and her personality is very high. In fact, when you talk to her during the epilogue, she does seem mostly the same, though her language has mellowed out to a more formal tone and she speaks less colloquially (and swears less and less).

If you talk to her immediately after she transforms, she marvels that she's still "herself" but also "more," which again reinforces that we all get to be special mind flayers who don't completely lose our souls. But I think there are some interesting lines in this dialogue:

Karlach: This is wild. I'm myself but... but more. Player: I don't like the sound of that. Karlach: Don't worry, soldier. It's still your old pal under all this purple. But suddenly 'I' am different than I ever knew. And my engine, it's... it's... silent. No heat. No gears. Still there, but no longer threatening to explode. Soldier... Player: I guess turning into an illithid has its perks. Karlach: Here I thought I was making a sacrifice. Thank the gods I'm a noble fuck! Shit. I'm gonna be all right. I get to be alive. I get to stay. As a hideous monster, sure. But one that can feel. Think. Live. But I'm still myself. And I know what our mission is. I'm glad I get to the do the honours.

Karlach reiterates over and over that she's still herself, but you can literally hear the change in her voice. Where normally her tone and volume would be boisterous, loud, and energetic, she's now calm and mellow, even when she's swearing. Her tone here is more one of wonder. It isn't just the internal and external fires that have calmed down, her overall demeanor seems "cooler" too.

Also, in her romance ending just before the epilogue, where you're both in the Elfsong Tavern room, you can mention that she does seem a little altered.

Player: I still love you, Karlach. I still want to be with you. Karlach: I love you too. Before, that love was an irrepressible inferno. Now it is a calm, cool object of beauty. Player: I can see you're still yourself, but there's something else in there too. An illithid calm. Karlach: Maybe you're right. I feel less... changeable. Less afraid. I feel ready for whatever is to come.

It doesn't tell us much, but it does reinforce that when we or any of our companions turn into a mind flayer, we likely retain a lot of our former personality, but in a much more calm, even-keeled kind of way. Again going back to the idea that our soul is still there, still mostly the same, but has been made a bit more illithid.

What is more interesting for Karlach, specifically, is her discussion of her diet as a mind flayer. Remember what souls are allegedly made up of? Intelligence, personality, and what else?

Memories.

Karlach: For example, my favourite food used to be mutton chops. Do you know what it is now? Brains, soldier. Brains. Player: Comes with the illithid territory, I suppose. Karlach: True. But I've found ways to maintain my values while respecting that which I am - that which made it possible for me to live. I've made arrangements with a healer in the city. When a patient is beyond saving, but still able to speak for themselves, they're offered a choice. They can go as nature intends to take them. Or, when they're ready - when their goodbyes have been said, their affairs settled, and all that awaits them is pain - I relieve them. When I consume their brains, I am nourished by much more than the physical nutrition. Their memories - from birth to death - become part of me. I've lived hundreds of childhoods, first loves, marriages, feuds and friendships. I remember them all. And in this way, we all live on. Together.

There's so much to unpack here. One, she still remembers her values, even six months later, but is trying to negotiate her former humanoid values (and personality, I imagine) with her needs as a mind flayer. That seems very Karlach, through and through.

But then, when she consumes these dying patients' brains, she absorbs and retains their memories. I imagine their souls still go on to the Fugue Plane, because I highly doubt that mind flayers also consume souls when they eat brains, but it still leaves me with questions. Karlach isn't part of a hivemind, which normally circulates memories between each other, but she's becoming a similar kind of receptacle for memories, and only she is the one that contains them, rather than an entire hivemind.

I have to wonder how much something like constantly consuming and remembering memories that are not your own affects you as a person/creature. Does that eventually lead to a loss of self, as you begin to "live" multiple different lives? Or does it all count as mere knowledge?

In some ways this would put her in competition with any elder brains still out there, but she's also not collecting knowledge for the sake of knowledge. She's collecting memories and living them out in her mind, which is a certain kind of tragedy. She's literally living vicariously through these people because her mind flayer body is too scary to go out and about in, and she's making up for a decade of life she didn't get to live. She's alive, but she's not...living if that makes sense. And again...how long before all these memories start to change who she is?

(An aside. I really don’t think her eating brains and collecting memories keeps someone’s soul from moving on. If you use the spell Speak with Dead, you don’t call back an entire soul, but the corpse still has access to its memories. I think in this case, even though memories make up part of a soul, Karlach consuming brains and collecting memories is more like her downloading a copy of the memories for herself. The dead person likely still takes their own memories with them to the Fugue Plane, where they will be judged by Kelemvor or collected by their favorite deity. She’s just copy/pasting data, not transferring everything from one hard drive to another, if that analogy makes sense.)

This arrangement where Karlach consumes the brains of dying patients is expanded or clarified a bit if you're romancing her during the epilogue, and also includes a reference to souls as well.

Karlach: I can’t wait to say hello, but to be honest, I’m keen to visit the doctor before it gets too late. He said there’s a potential in his infirmary. A very old woman recently diagnosed with a wasting sickness. She seemed interested in what I have to offer. I’ll want to have a good long talk with her before we make an arrangement. Though if I’m being very selfish, I hope she’ll say yes. I’m absolutely famished - and think of all those memories. Player: Glad to hear. I was worried you were getting hungry. Karlach: I don’t hide it well, do I? Some things don’t change, even when everything else does. It’s funny. I’m hungry in my body, but in my soul too. That woman has lived a long life - births, deaths, love, misfortune. And if she agrees, I’ll be able to give her a dignified end, and remember it all in her honour.

Or if you go with a different option:

Player: I'm still not sure how I feel about this arrangement. Are you sure it's ethical to feed on the dying? Karlach: I'm sure of very little these days. But at least this way, I can live. And those who offer themselves to me can live on too. Births, first loves, marriages, losses - I remember them all and always will. Each memory I've consumed is of value.

It's just so interesting to me. One, her remark that she's eager to say hello but slightly more interested in chatting to a doctor about her next meal suggests that some elements of becoming a mind flayer are much harder to ignore. I imagine if she's hungry, she feels less like Karlach. (And I have thoughts, for another post, about whether she becomes "too fixated" on living when she's a mind flayer, given the cost of what it means to stay alive as a mind flayer.)

But she also says she's hungry in her soul. Her soul seems deeply interested in these memories, and I wonder if that's because memories are (or could be) part of souls themselves. Maybe the remark isn't really that deep, but she specifically connects the hunger of her soul to all the memories a long-lived woman will have. It's almost as if these memories nurture her soul, but it's unclear whether that is because it's somehow healing to see and "experience" life in ways she can't now that she's a mind flayer, or if it's because the memories have some kind of tangible effect on her soul/souls in general.

I suppose we won't know for sure. What we do know from Karlach's case, however, is that a great deal of the original soul (personality, memories, etc) seems to stick around even six months later, though there are noticeable changes in personality, such as an overall calm demeanor. There are also hints that consuming brains could lead to further changes down the road, but there's nothing really concrete. Just hints.

In the end, Karlach is still Karlach, and her soul still has plenty of elements of the original Karlach, even six months later. This is a good sign, but we can't completely ignore that her new body/mind as a mind flayer will necessarily mean some things have permanently changed. Whether you judge those changes as good or bad is up to you.

With that said, let's move on to the final and most mind-boggling case.

The Case of Gale

If you play a companion as an Origin run, the mind flayer decision typically works out the same way as Tav...unless you're playing as Gale. Gale gets some extra options at the end of the game.

This is mostly because Gale has perhaps the most apostolic soul that hangs in the balance, second only to Shadowheart, and her soul pendulum swings between Selûne and Shar. Gale, however, seems to be walking on a knife's edge trying to retain or earn back entry into Elysium, Mystra's domain in the Outer Planes. He's allegedly already been there, though not as a dead soul, so he knows what's at stake if his soul suddenly becomes non-apostolic or disappears.

In other words, Gale has a formerly Faithful apostolic soul, but he spends much of the game probably worried his soul will be judged as False when he dies (since he lost Mystra's favor) until Mystra offers her brand of forgiveness, which is essentially "if you sacrifice your own life, I'll let you into Elyisum again." It's a guarantee that he ends up in the afterlife he wants to be in. That's what Mystra's forgiveness really boils down to.

Now, this is a man who does not want to sacrifice his soul, and also (Netherese orb aside) does not want to die if his soul is going to be judged as False by Kelemvor rather than welcomed into Elysium as a Faithful soul. We know that Gale finds the Fugue Plane exceedingly depressing, so I can't imagine he has any desire to wander around it for any stretch of time, even if Mystra does eventually deign to invite him into Elysium. I'm sure the thought of becoming part of the Wall of the Faithless might as well be hell to him.

Gale: It’s a relief to be back in beautiful Faerûn. The dreariness of the Fugue Plane oppresses one’s soul so very quickly.

[mumm's note: yes my man died in service of a Tactician battle against Grym, but he got better]

It's a little surprising to see how adamantly Gale would prefer to choose the Netherese orb over letting himself or anyone he cares for become illithid. Look at some of what he says when he tries to offer the orb as an option for the final battle:

Gale: An easy proposition for the Emperor to make - 'become a mind flayer' - it has no soul to sacrifice. If it did - perhaps it would understand the weight of what it's asking of us. And why we might seek an alternative.

I couldn't get this next dialogue to trigger in my game, but in the same conversation as above you might potentially get the option to remind him about Mystra's offer to cure his orb condition, and even then he reminds you of the stakes that come with becoming a mind flayer.

Player: Mystra will cure you if we bring her the Crown of Karsus. You don't need to do this. Gale: To cure me of the orb, yes. But what of the guilt of allowing one of my friends to sacrifice their very soul and become illithid?

Now keep in mind, up to this point no one has shown any evidence that turning into a mind flayer won't actually mean the total destruction of one's soul. Up until now, the only evidence anyone has of an original soul remaining intact inside a mind flayer body is the Emperor (we have no frame of reference for who Omeluum was before he was a mind flayer), and most of the companions do not trust the Emperor one bit. So Gale genuinely thinks that becoming a mind flayer means your soul is either destroyed or changed so much that it's no longer you.

I mean, think about it. He's half expecting you to take the tadpole the Emperor offers and literally cease to exist. He's expecting to fight alongside a mind flayer who has, at best, your name and a few scraps of your memory, and at worst, no shred of you at all. Because again, up until this point in the game, none of them realize that they could become a special mind flayer who does actually retain most (if not all) of their soul, including their personality and memories.

Gale literally thinks that blowing up and going to the Fugue Plane is better than you or any companion becoming a mind flayer.

But that's in a companion run. Obviously, if you play him as an Origin, you can have him turn into a mind flayer as a different kind of ultimate sacrifice. The decision plays out the same as a Tav/Durge run or any other Origin run. But after the game ends, Gale gets unique dialogue if he (1) sacrifices himself or (2) does not sacrifice himself and goes to meet Mystra with the Crown in hand.

Any run of his sacrifice (aka, using the orb, regardless of whether or not he is illithid) results in Withers finding him in the Fugue Plane for a brief conversation. This conversation isn't much different if Gale is a mind flayer when he uses the orb, since all it does is add an extra option to their conversation that references being illithid ("One illithid for the whole of Faerûn seems like a fair trade to me," which replaces the option "One wizard for the whole of Faerûn...etc").

(An aside, I don't have an Origin Gale run so I can't test this, but I think if he ends his life on the docks as a mind flayer, the way Tav/Durge can with a knife got the stomach, then he just gets the usual Tav/Durge conversation with Withers about how his form has "something of the spirit" about him. See Part 2 if you're curious about that conversation.)

What this conversation with Withers reveals is how much control Mystra seems to have over his soul, especially if/when he's a mind flayer. If Gale decides to sacrifice himself using the Netherese Orb, Withers remarks about how surprising it is that Mystra hasn’t picked him up yet.

Withers: Who flickers there ‘twixt the shadows? Gale, who didst surrender his very self for the salvation of Faerûn. I feared I might not find thee here - that Mystra would have already plucked thy thread from the tapestry of fate. But she may wait a while yet.

It’s a little unclear if Withers uses “plucked thy thread from the tapestry of fate” to mean Gale gets to go to Elysium or something else, and it’s equally unclear whether Mystra waiting is a sign of displeasure or a sign that she is interested in sending Gale back to the Material Plane. She is capable of doing that, after all, and has frequently resurrected her Chosens, like Elminster, if it suits her.

But I highlight this conversation to show that you can get it as a mind flayer, and (if you are a mind flayer during this scene) that Mystra waiting isn't because he's a mind flayer and she can't find his soul. She waits for a minute regardless of whether he's illithid or not. But Withers is certain Mystra will be able to find Gale's soul, because he was able to find Gale's soul and recognize it as Gale.

So, not to harp on this again and again, but it's proof that turning into a mind flayer didn't destroy Gale's soul. It's still Gale's soul, even in the Fugue Plane, even if he's mind-flayer-shaped, and that soul is still capable of journeying to Elysium, should Mystra bother to find it wandering the Fugue Plane (or wherever he is).

But things are a little different if Gale decides to become a mind flayer and then goes to visit Mystra with the Crown of Karsus in hand. Keep in mind, Origin!Gale always has the option to face off against Mystra after the defeat of the Netherbrain, and this face-off is where he decides to hand over the Crown, become the god of ambition, or straight up try to fight Mystra.

However! If Gale is a mind flayer, he gets a secret fourth option.

If Gale goes to meet Mystra as an illithid with the Crown of Karsus and then gives up the Crown to her, Mystra offers to take Gale to Elysium with her. More than that, she offers to literally restore his humanity and cure him of illithidness.

Sort of.

Mystra: So, Gale of Waterdeep, you have become the inheritor of Karsus’ powers at last. What do you intend to do with them? Gale: I came to surrender them. The Crown, the Karsite Weave - take it all. Mystra: This offering cost you greatly. There is no hope in life as an illithid, devoid of soul and conscience. It is within my power to restore your soul, and your humanity, if you are willing to leave the mortal realms behind. Return with me, to Elysium.

No one else is offering this kind of deal to an Origin-turned-mind-flayer. Selûne and Shar don’t care if Shadowheart turns illithid, and Withers isn’t exactly offering to restore souls and humanity (or…mortalness?) to everyone else. This is a signifier of the sheer amount of power Mystra has, yes, but this also hints at some other things.

One, despite evidence of the contrary, Mystra is adamant that Gale-as-illithid is or would be “devoid of soul and conscience,” even though we know that that likely isn’t true (just see Karlach, Tav/Durge, etc). Perhaps Mystra is unaware that Gale is a Special Mind Flayer (seems unlikely), or perhaps she’s simply trying to convince Gale to come with her. After all, what she’s offering is still a kind of reward.

Then again, maybe Gale and/or Mystra fear the long-term effects of illithidness. Maybe over time he would become less and less like Gale, perhaps due to consuming memories, or other factors that come with being a mind flayer. Still, though, saying that his life would be "devoid of soul and conscience" seems like a massive stretch on Mystra's part.

But anyway, the reward for him turning into a mind flayer and giving her the Crown is a restoration of his humanity...but only in death.

Mystra: Return with me, to Elysium. Devnote: respectful - Gale sacrificed his humanity to achieve what she asked. If he’s willing to die on the mortal planes, she will restore his soul and body but in the heavens.

Now before I get to what happens if Gale agrees to this reward, I want to point out that Mystra herself sort of acknowledges that Gale isn't exactly devoid of soul and conscience if he refuses her offer. Here are some of the ways Gale can turn her down, with her answer to each option being the same:

Gale: [Option 1] Thank you, but no. I have someone waiting for me. Gale: [Option 2] Perhaps one day, but for now there is more I need to accomplish. Gale: [Option 3] Being an illithid has its advantages. I'm content as I am. Mystra: Then you are free to go with both my thanks and my promise - henceforth, your prayers will always be answered.

The whole idea of an apostolic soul is that it means the person is capable of worshipping a divine being, and this worship ncludes prayers. She might have said that him being illithid would mean he would be devoid of soul and conscience, but in nearly the same breath she promises to answer all his prayers. So she recognizes something of a soul within him. So why say he would be devoid of soul?

Of course, things get weird if Gale accepts her offer to be restored and go to Elyisum. If Gale agrees, then she fulfills her promise and even restores his place as one of her Chosen.

Gale: I crave nothing more. Take me to Elysium. Mystra: So be it. Gale of Waterdeep, Chosen of Mystra. Cinematic Tag: Mystra transforms Mindflayer Gale back to his human form (hollow) and grabs Gale’s hand. They return to Elysium.

This is wild to me. You see, originally when I started this project I thought I was going to be writing posts about how interesting it is that when you become a mind flayer, your soul is probably hanging out in the Fugue Plane or something, and eventually I’d suggest that Mystra is able to restore Gale’s soul to him because it’s already gone to her domain or she knows how to find it because he used to be so faithful to her. But none of that works now.

Because now I’m convinced that the Netherese tadpole changes everyone into a Special Mind Flayer whose soul is still present in their mind flayer bodies, just altered or transformed. So what’s up with this stuff from Mystra? She recognizes Gale as Gale even when he's a mind flayer and promises to answer his prayers, so clearly there's some kind of apostolic soul thing going on here. So why does she offer to "restore his soul," and also, why only in death?

She does say that she will restore Gale’s humanity, so now I assume that somehow her powers allow her to un-alter Gale’s soul so that it isn’t so illithid anymore. My idea is that she’s essentially restoring his soul to its former state and not, as we might otherwise infer, literally giving him his soul back, as if it were separate from his body. Gale’s soul is still in his mind flayer body, if all the rest of the evidence holds any water, so Mystra must have merely changed it back to the way it was.

quick picture break, this is from Northalix's video, linked below

Which makes me wonder, can a completely original, apostolic-type soul exist in an illithid body? Or does the body dictate that the soul must be somewhat illithid in order to be compatible?

Because the thing is, this deal comes with an ultimatum. She’s not going to let him go back to the mortal realms after she’s restored his soul. She probably could—she’s probably capable of doing that, if only by giving him a completely new body (she's done that before with Elminster). But she doesn’t. The cure comes with a cost. He only gets to be human again if he agrees to die completely and join her in Elysium. There is no undoing the illithid sacrifice, which seems more like a game limitation than a Mystra limitation (although we can certainly brainstorm reasons why Mystra would be so petty as to basically say "I can make you human again but only if you die completely.")

I want to point out that Mystra doesn't offer to let Gale come back to Elysium as a dead guy if he's not a mind flayer. Like, we don't get the sparkly ascension scene if he blows up with the Netherese orb, we get the Withers visit in the Fugue Plane. This Elysium offer is an illithid-only option. If he's not a mind flayer and he returns the Crown, she cures him of the Netherese Orb and sends him back. There's no option to join her in Elysium. Why is this an illithid-only option?

Also, just...I need you to watch the scene.

There's a lot that bothers me about this. One, the gestures she makes are the exact gestures God!Gale makes when he ascends Tav/Durge if they romanced him and agreed to become a god with him. Do with that what you will. But two...it just gives me the ick. This is a different kind of ascension for Gale. It's a restoration of his place in Elysium, but it ultimately means his premature death. If this is the route you take as him...it's hardly better than him sacrificing himself using the Netherese Orb without becoming a mind flayer. Only this time, we get to see the scene where he goes to Elysium, I guess.

It also massively complicates the whole idea that everyone gets to be a special mind flayer with a mostly-intact, mostly-apostolic soul. If the soul didn't change, why does Mystra need to "restore" it? And if it did change, why is Mystra the only one capable of un-changing it back to its original form (is it because he’s her Chosen and is/was so faithful)?And if such a thing is possible, why offer it and then say "but you're dead now"?

It seems as though her "fixing" Gale's soul was really just her...I don't know, separating it from his physical mind flayer body so the illithid anatomy wouldn't mess with it as much, and then dusting off his soul, which is now bodyless, and taking it with her to Elysium. I'm not saying that's what she did, but that's the weird vibes I get from this interaction. Like, there seems to be some kind of implication that you can't have a fully humanoid, apostolic soul housed within an illithid body. The soul has to be altered somehow to work with the illithid body.

So why not just give him a new body, Mystra??? Fix is soul and give him a new body! You’re absolutely capable of that!

I have so many questions.

Of course, keep in mind that Gale can reject her, obviously, and return to the mortal realms as a mind flayer. She does acknowledge that he has at least something of a soul that can pray to her so...I mean, there's that.

Anyways, what have we learned?

The Summary

With Karlach, we see that being a mind flayer does necessarily change parts of a person's personality (which, again, is part of their soul). Usually this results in a person seeming calmer, more mellow, less emotional than they normally would have been, but it does seem that for Tav/Durge, the companions, and Orpheus that turning into a mind flayer doesn't completely destroy their soul. It just seems to alter it a bit. In my opinion, the soul just becomes a tiny bit more illithid. Karlach’s case does leave us with questions about how “good” consuming and retaining so many memories might be in the long run, but as of six months post-ceremorphosis, she seems fine.

From Gale, we learn that apparently it's possible to restore or un-alter a partly-illithid soul so that it goes back to normal, but this power is extremely rare and likely relegated to the gods alone (or a particularly powerful Wish spell). We're also reminded that keeping recognizable parts of one's soul, like the personality and memories, is a huge surprise, because that's not how normal mind flayers work. We know this from Orpheus, but Gale just kinda reinforced it.

I guess we also learned that Mystra is a massive—but I should keep this civil. We all know what Mystra is.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that she's unwilling to accept Gale into her domain while he is still a mind flayer, even though his soul obviously would fit the bill based on what a soul is/does for the gods. He has a viable apostolic soul, it’s just mind-flayer-shaped!I'm sure Mystra thinks she's being magnanimous by offering him eternity as a human in Elysium, but I think it ultimately just shows how shallow she can be. Gale only gets to come back if he’s not mind flayer shaped.

And I think, deep down, Gale has always suspected that would be the case.

And on that familiar note, my friends, thank you for joining me on this excessively long deep dive into mind flayer souls and things we can learn from the game and the lore.

~*~*~

If you made it to the end, congrats! More gold stars for you!

✨⭐️🌟⭐️✨⭐️🌟⭐️✨⭐️🌟⭐️✨

If you read through all three parts and also made it to the end of this one, you are the real MVP and I wish I had stickers or achievements to give you so you can be like "I survived another three-part deep dive from mumm." But I don't even have a lousy T-Shirt to offer you.

You can have this random picture instead though :> it's my Tav Dani looking very unimpressed by the Emperor's offer of sexy times (sorry not sorry Empy, she's got a man and his name is Gale and she prefers him and all her friends to be tentacle-free)

Enjoy the lore and remember that it's all up to you to decide what you want to keep or reject! I'm just showing you what's out there!

Tags for those who wanted an update! @galesdevoteewife @stuffforthestash

[nepenthean-sleep]

griddlehark fic recs, part 3

hi, it has been 8 months since my last fic rec post and there have been a lot of new fics in that time period so: welcome to griddlehark fic recs part 3! this fandom has so many amazing authors, and i absolutely love every one of these fics. all fics here in this part are rated G or T, and tumblr usernames have been added if i could find them (sorry for the notification!). here is part 1. here is part 2 and part 4 (forthcoming).

A Handsomely Dangerous Thing T - zoicite short oneshot set during gtn. harrow's perspective on gideon's duel with naberius, featuring copious amounts of pining.

never exhale all the way G - pigflight short oneshot set during gtn. homoerotic face-painting; need i say more. harrow is so down bad for gideon in this one.

Saltwater T - Raxheim / @theriverbeyond short oneshot, kiriona speculation set between htn and ntn. kiriona meets nona in her dreams about the saltwater pool. lots of wonderful (?) kirianthe interaction as well.

A Simple Charm G - pipistrelle short oneshot set during gtn. gideon bandages harrow's hand and harrow gets flustered. the banter in this one is so good.

salt on the rim T - lifevoid short oneshot, modern au. harrow gets a bit drunk and calls gideon pretty. this fic kinda lives in my mind rent-free; the prose here is lovely.

We Have Always Lived In The Apartment T - labyrinthineRetribution / @thatneoncrisis long multi-chapter modern au, currently unfinished. (deep breath) sorry to be biased but this is probably my favorite fic on this list, if not one of my favorite tlt fics of all time. not to spoil anything, but the writing reminds me a lot of tamsyn's own writing style: there's weird identity shit going on, there's weird homoerotic shit going on, there's weird mystery shit going on. the girls are Heinous and there's bones. what more could you want from a tlt fic.

said the spider to the fly T - mutterandmumble short oneshot, modern college/uni au. harrow's having a bit of a rough time, so gideon comes over to help cook food (neither of them can cook). it's both funny and a bit bittersweet.

mune ga hachikire-sodē [my heart seems to burst] T - nosecoffee / @nose-coffee long oneshot, ntn canon-divergence where kiriona ends up rooming with pyrrha, nona, and cam & pal. this fic takes a really interesting premise and absolutely goes wild with it, and i love it.

never saw you coming T - igneousbitch oneshot, modern college/uni au. a very funny fic where griddlehark pull off a "heist" to put a fish in (professor) john's office. featuring such award winning dialogue as:

“This is my nightmare blunt rotation,” Gideon told her. “And you’re just my fucking nightmare,” Harrow said.

Intern the Sixth T - apocalypticTaco / @notedchampagne long multi-chapter pre-canon au, currently unfinished. a half-epistolary fic about the sixth going on an academic exchange trip to the ninth house, taking place about five years before canon. this entire fic is so goddamn funny and i love how much detail and attention the author pays towards necromancy, necromantic theory, and worldbuilding regarding the sixth and ninth houses.

[nerdragenewvegas]

ok but like think about how joshua graham was sitting there in deep denial about how he was projecting his own desire for revenge against caesar onto his faith, right? and how he probably knew that shit deep down even if he was delulu about it which is why he hadn't outright decided that taking down caesar in the name of the lord or as a holy war was the long game or whatever. it's cooking, it's there, but the idea of acting on it feels bad to him for some reason, and he's probably talking to God about it a lot but honestly using the internal dialogue of prayer to try and convince himself that it can be justified eventually, but he still can't unwrap why that makes him feel so guilty and full of shame deep down, so he keeps brushing those feelings of shame aside and pretends it's the same guilt and shame that comes from his hand in building the Legion. not only is he wrestling with his desires to take his revenge and act on his hurt and anger, but he's wrestling with WHY he's wrestling with it.

and then the Courier shows up in Joshua's gun cave out of seemingly nowhere following such a coincidental and random happenstance that not only led them to Zion but led them to meet Follows-Chalk and by extension Joshua, and waves and is like 'oh, I killed Caesar btw!'

like, on the surface he takes that well, but deep down inside? Do you think he was freaking out? Do you think he felt this inexplicable sense of relief wash over him because he no longer had to make that decision? Do you think he was secretly thankful because he wasn't ready to address his own anger and the fact he hadn't truly healed in the way that's become his identity and what keeps him going? Was he thankful that he wouldn't have to unpack why he still felt so angry about what Caesar did to him when Joshua's done far worse to far more people for far less, that he wouldn't have to admit that it was the betrayal of his closest and most trusted companion that hurt the most and left him literally too angry to die?

Do you think he felt that relief and looked at the Courier and decided that the Courier was something divine? A message from God? Sent by the Lord to relieve Joshua of that burden? Do you think that's why Joshua was so ready to listen to the Courier when they pushed him to spare Salt-Upon-Wounds? Do you think Joshua looked at the Courier in awe of God's grace, or in fear that God knew exactly what was in Joshua's heart?

[seahagart]

Do you have any examples of quips that Drifa says in Orcish?? How do the party react?? Does it make Ulfur laugh?

I think most of them would be her breathing out like ‘what the fuck….’ And cursing a lot to herself/internally. She’s used being alone so she probably looks into the camera like ☹️ whenever some crazy shit happens and is like ‘oh my goddess, pls save me from these people, they have so many insane problems that I can’t even comprehend smh’

‘Why can’t I just get 1 night rest? Please?!?!’ After being woken up by astarion, or Lae’Zel, or mizora coming to camp, or Rafael, etc

She also calls people names, is grumpy, and probably offers traditional sagely advice in orcish, like ‘Uh- Drífa don’t know good translate to common… basically means ‘people must chop wood, have fire :)’

I think the party is aware she’s mumbling but no one speaks orcish, if they ask, she’d probably be like ‘hm?’ And pretend she didn’t, Or would be like ‘oh- Drífa said you are being annoying because you are annoying, yes? :)’

She wouldn’t be mean, I just think she wouldn’t talk much at all, so the few times she does it would be impactful, either deep or a complete laugh. I think she’d probably say something and everyone would be like ‘WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?!?!???’ And she’s like ‘I knew the whole time, I denied it to fuck with u’

I do think most of her jokes would be very goofy, and she would say things to get Úlfur to laugh, and often she will say something and then side eye him while he starts giggling before she smiles, or she will murmur something forgetting Úlfur understands her and then is like ‘you don’t repeat that’ I think he would translate a lot for her

I’ll have to think of funny lines of dialogue for her

[wannab-urs]

The Spreadsheet Digest | Vol 30

Howdy folks :)

Welcome to the THIRTIETH Spreadsheet Digest!!

I started reading a few series this week, and I'm not putting them on the spreadsheet til I've finished them; so, if I told you I'm reading your fic but it's not here, that's why. Eleven fics this week (Dieter, Joel, Din, Ezra, Javi P, and a Marcus P/Din/Reader)!

Fic Rec Masterlist | My Masterlist | My Kofi

Recs Below The Pedge

In Fiction - Dieter one shot by @sin-djarin

Summary: Dieter comes to bed. Tags: Established relationship, mentions of self doubt, no physical description of reader, no dialogue, no use of y/n. Thoughts: This was so sweet. I just want to hold him and pet his hair, fr.

In Reality - Dieter one shot by @sin-djarin

Summary: Dieter comes home for Christmas. Tags: Established relationship, masturbation (M), Dieter's self deprecation, no physical description of reader, no use of y/n. Thoughts: I'm just extremely obsessed with the nailing of Dieter's characterization here. He's a little gross and sad, but it's endearing. Poor baby can't keep his phone charged to save his life. And I love how reader just like... knows he's a mess and is okay with it. It's a little bittersweet? In a way that I adore.

O, Christmas Tree - Dieter one shot by @covetyou

Summary: As PA to Dieter Bravo, you were used to the strange, unusual and downright weird. What you weren't used to was taking in a shipment of - what? And how many? Tags: sex toys (so many butt plugs), Dieter being a menace to his PA, no smut, pure silliness. Thoughts: This is so delightfully silly. And they do kind of look like christmas trees.

The hat stays on - Joel one shot by @theywhowriteandknowthings

Summary: Hooking up with a cowboy in a bar bathroom... kind of. Tags: sub/dom dynamics, Sub!Joel, Switch!Joel, Public sex, Bathroom Sex, Squirting, orgasm denial(mention). Purely Porn with no Plot. Thoughts: I love these lil plot twist fics, I love cowboy hat joel, I love sub/switch!Joel, I love this.

To Know the Light - Din one shot by @burntheedges

Summary: to go in the dark with a light is to know the light. Tags: fluff, a teensy bit of angst, introspection, winter, food mention, reader has no description, gn!reader Thoughts: Din's internal struggle with removing the helmet is such a fascinating aspect of his character, and I think you did a beautiful job of capturing it here. I thought the imagery, the characterization, and the story telling in general here was just gorgeous.

Killshot - Ezra series by @magpiepills

Summary: A lonesome prospector comes face to face with a dangerous stranger. What happens when you can’t resist his charm? Tags: SMUT, PIV, fingering, oral (m&f receiving) pet names, spanking, dub con, angst, anal play, deep throating, cum eating, thigh riding, dirty talk, double penetration, toys, teasing, no use of y/n, no physical description of reader. Thoughts: This shit had me YELLING!!! Dirty Dog Ezra in full force here. I am still shook and I read this like 4 days ago.

Dare to Surrender - Javi P series by @auteurdelabre

Summary: “First to come loses.” You can’t stand Javier Pena but when Steve Murphy makes an off-hand remark that gets both you and Javier’s competitive sides going, there’s no telling how far you’ll go. Tags: Office Sex, Enemies to Lovers, Blow Jobs, Office Blow Jobs, Face-Fucking, Dare, Co-workers, soft!javi p, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Pet Names, Jealous!Javier Peña, Phone Sex, Jealousy, Steve Murphy cockblock, Desk Sex, No Pregnancy, Banter, Bonding, Bets & Wagers, Vaginal Fingering, Fingerfucking, Finger Sucking, hey we said no kissing, he falls first, no protection, From Sex to Love, Rough Sex, Oral Sex, Vaginal Sex, Semi-Public Sex, P in V sex, Sweet!Javi, Nicknames Thoughts: I loved this storyyyyy. Javi was so pathetically in love with her and so bad at saying it. Brad sucks, btw, but I love how jealous he made Javi. P.S if you like the whole bet concept + Javi P check out Go Ahead I Dare Ya. It's a slightly different premise, but so very good.

Handsome, Dirty, Rich - Joel one shot by @pedgito

Summary: the rich father of your best friend, sarah — joel miller, was a mystery to you until one day he isn't and you quickly find that your interest in him isn't one-sided. Tags: no use of y/n, au/no outbreak, bfd!joel, ceo!joel, mentions of reader growing up poor/absent parents (joel is ridiculously loaded, it's fic y'all let me live lol), sneaking around, age gap (not explicitly specified, but reader is in final year of college and joel is probs late 40s/50s), vacations, gift-giving, unprotected piv, come swallowing, daddy issues if you squint, one (1) pussy slap, oral (f receiving), semi-public fucking Thoughts: The buildup was immaculate AGH. And I am obsessed with the kind of not quite happy ending? Part 2 maybe?

Comfort, Despite the Storm - Joel one shot by @marisferasiop

Summary: Joel's neighbor (you) is the town archivist and brings him a present on his birthday (with a side of teasing). Later, after waking from his own nightmares, he finds you sleepless on your porch during a storm and you take comfort in one another. Tags: fluff, smut, nightmares, alcohol, p in v sex, oral m receiving Thoughts: Love a lil continuous hookup situation. I adore how they get together in this and how reader takes the lead in the situation. And like the fic overall is sweet and flirty, but that smut is hot.

Misfire - Dieter one shot by @qveerthe0ry

Summary: Dieter gets waxed for a role and gets a little too excited. Tags: dubious consent, body hair waxing, pain kink, humiliation kink (kinda), subby!Dieter, ruined orgasm, coming untouched, hands-free orgasm, reader does not engage in sex acts, mentions of alcohol, mentions of drug use, accidental exhibitionism, accidental voyeurism Thoughts: Pathetic, whiny, whimpering, humiliation kink Dieter? Yeah. Yes. Thank you. Perfection. And if you want a version where reader plays along instead of ignoring him read that here.

Closure - Marcus P/Din one shot by @javier-pena

Summary: Marcus, Din and you used to be best friends. Now you're on opposite sides of the law with a decade worth of grudges between you. But hate can quickly become something else ... Tags: angst | canon-typical violence | mentions of food and alcohol and smoking | they’re all mean to each other and they have a difficult relationship | (a lot of) dirty talk (by my standards) | slight power imbalance | reader has hair that can be grabbed | threesome m/f/(m) (kinda) | ecouteurism | voyeurism | exhibitionism | a bit of edging | fingering | competitiveness | (unprotected) piv sex | creampie | a tiny, tiny bit of degradation Thoughts: Marcus and Din is a pairing I truly never thought I would see, but I am obsessed with this pairing. The way their personalities mesh is just stunning. I love the characterization of all three of them. I'm not usually one to read Din AUs where he's not some sort of Mandalorian, but I truly could not resist reading this. Everything about this fic was amazing. Reader's story, Marcus and Din's relationship, the setting, everything was just so good AHGHGGH.

--------------

This week I posted:

Scotty Doesn't Know - a Dieter one shot

Summary: Scotty doesn't know you're hooking up with Dieter Tags: songfic, smut, infidelity, dieter is a loser, scotty doesn't really deserve this he's just annoying, crack taken seriously, porn with the barest of plots, barely edited. WC: 2.8k

---------------

Happy Reading!

[hischierswhore]

feel like shit

pairing: Mason Mount x Reader

TW: cursing

A/N: a short lil angsty moment for you all. there's no dialogue, so it's just a scenario written out

You had been the one to initiate your breakup with Mason. You ended things with him because you wanted to be alone. You were convinced that you would be able to get over him, but every single night, your phone would light up and the caller id would show Mason Mount, the options to answer the call or decline the call illuminating the screen.

3 weeks later, here you were again, waiting for Mason to call, the same way he had done so every single night since you left him, hoping you would let him back into your life.

Was this some sort of habit? A self-destructive behavior that you loved just because it made you feel validated? If that's what it was, it certainly wasn't healthy, considering you were waiting on your ex boyfriend to call you, only for you to intentionally sit and watch the call go to voicemail.

As much as you wanted to move on, the phone calls entertained the idea in your head that Mason missed you and wanted you back in his life. You would think back to all of the memories you had shared, those being one of the many things that held you back from moving on and getting over him.

At one point, the daily phone calls became a sporadic thing. You would receive calls maybe 3 times a week, as opposed to the usual 7. And then they just stopped. 2 weeks had gone by since the last call, and it made you feel like absolute shit.

The longer you went without seeing his name light up your phone, the worse it felt. He was the sole reason why you sat and watched each and every caller id appear on your screen. Every single day you'd wake up, anxious for his next call, but as the days passed by, that anxiety was slowly replaced with an emptiness inside. It was an emptiness that only seemed to grow, despite your internal protests that this was what you wanted in the first place.

Despite now being given the opportunity to forget about him and leave him in the past, you were more broken at the fact that he just gave up. Yes, it was hypocritical, as you did leave him to be alone, but you didn't want him to move on.

You were being selfish. Your typical "I don't want you right now, but nobody else can have you" kind of selfish. Were there still lingering feelings for the man? In your mind, there were no more feelings for him. You were simply missing him reaching out to you on the daily, even though you would ignore him. You missed the validation of someone being so obsessed and in love with you. You missed knowing that no matter what happened, you were the center of his world, but that was no longer the case.

You couldn't deny the fact that you were hurting. You couldn't deny that you were so selfish that you wanted him to continue calling you. You wanted him to go back to being obsessed with you but being ignored at the same time.

You hesitantly picked up your phone and scrolled through your call logs and found his number. You took a deep breath in before clicking the call button. You held the phone to your ear, listening as it rang for what felt like forever before you reached his voicemail.

You pulled the phone away from your ear and threw it on your bed, grabbing your pillow and screaming your frustration into it. That's when it finally hit you.

He was giving you a taste of your own medicine, and it hurt like a bitch.

-

TAGLIST

@ithinkimokeei @myheartgoesvroom @mounthings @tall-tanned-tattoo @itsnotgray @alwaysclassyeagle @charlewiss @pianoisland @fallingin20 @chelseagirl98 @lovelynikol16 @username-envy

[mrs-toohot]

Ryder, decoded

So the THTH writers apparently googled “Australian slang” and went copy/paste into his dialogue with absolutely no concept of what any of it means or how commonly it’s used.

So, as your resident Australian, I’m going to translate for you.

Below, you’ll find the examples I found so far, a translation, and a rating out of ten for how commonly it’s used / how accurate the slang is.

Disclaimer: I am born and raised Aussie. My ancestors were convicts. And while I do live in a major city, I grew up in the most country of country towns; population 847. So I am fluent in Aussie.

So without further ado:

Buggers.

If you look up the word buggers you’ll find it’s short for buggery which is the act of engaging in anal sex. But it’s not really used that way any more. I would never use “sexy buggers” that’s kinda weird. It’s only ever used these days as a light-hearted term, such as “cheeky bugger”(usually said with a hair ruffle). Alternatively, you can say someone’s “playing silly buggers” which means they’re messing around/being silly.

Accuracy of usage: 6/10

True-blue.

I see this and I think of this song which I believe they may have played at Steve Irwin’s funeral. It’s basically the same as “proper” or “right” for the Brits. Interchange with “verifiable”. Is entirely a stereotype and wouldn’t even be used ironically these days. In its place, we would use “fuckin’”. The only time this word is used is when you’re describing someone as “he’s a true-blue Aussie battler” (he’s very Australian)

Accuracy of usage: 1/10

Sheilas & blokes.

No. Absolutely not. Sheilas 🤢 is a way of describing a group of girls, but it’s very outdated. You could still call a guy a bloke, but it’s not interchangeable with “guy”. A bloke is specifically very traditionally Aussie & masculine, and you’d almost be more likely to use it as an adjective (I.e. “he’s a bit blokey”). I’ll be honest, you want someone who’s “blokey”, think “Gary from LITG”.

Accuracy of usage: 1/10 and 4/10 respectively

Ripper

Means ‘great’. And unless it’s in relation to specifically calling someone else a ‘ripper legend’ (shortened to ‘ripper ledge’) it’s not used commonly whatsoever.

Accuracy of usage: 2/10

Bonzer

No. Absolutely not. Never in a million years would bonzer be used today. It also means ‘great’ but this can’t even be used ironically. Even in the deep dark depths of country western NSW, using this word will get you looked at weird.

Accuracy of usage: -10/10

Crikey

Sorry to disappoint, but this one’s also a no. It means essentially “wow”. The only time we’d use this is to amuse internationals. We associate this word with ol’ mate Steve as much as you do.

RIP buddy 🪦

Accuracy of usage: 2/10

Fair dinkum & arvo

You’d ask if something was ‘fair dinkum’ if you were questioning if the aforementioned statement was true, or you were trying to figure out if someone was for real. “I’m Spider-Man”, “oh, fair dinkum?” It is… not common. Very outdated and only your countriest of the country boys would use it (and only if they’re 60+)

Now- ARVO- this is a different story. I use arvo EVERY DAY. It is short for afternoon and I don’t remember the last time I used the full word. “What’re you doin s’arvo?” Absolutely used every single day.

Accuracy of usage: 3/10 and 10/10

Have a squiz and take a gander

Both mean the same thing: take a look. Do not ask me where they come from but welcome to Australia. I have definitely said “give us a squiz” or “I’ll take a squiz” lol. The latter is still said but only by much older people. A funnier version ( only said ironically) is ‘have a captain cook’ (rhyming slang for ‘have a look’)

Accuracy of usage: 9/10 and 7/10

Have a yarn

Means ‘have a chat’, ‘talk’, or ‘shooting the shit’. This is actually really commonly used by indigenous Australians, and ‘yarning’ culture is really crucial and involves a cuppa tea 😁 I liked seeing this one pop up.

Accuracy of usage: 10/10

Possible upcoming slang:

Yeah, nah: No

Nah, yeah: Yes

Have a root: Sex

Pull your head in: Calm down, get it together, wisen up

Ta: thank you

Sweet as: sounds good

Righto/Righteo: alright

No worries: not a problem, that’s okay. Often said in conjunction with ‘she’ll be right’

No wukkas: no worries, short for “no wukkin furries” which is an intentional mispronunciation of “no fuckin’ worries”.

Bloody oath: bloody hell/Fuckin’ hell

Ocker/yobbo: super Aussie guy, see “bloke”. Specifically very country.

Drongo: forbidden phrase. Never used ever. Means an idiot/dork. If they use this I quit.

Flamin’ galah: said ironically, very funny. Said seriously, no.

Dropkick: super common. Similar to derro or deadshit. A loser, someone who is going nowhere in life.

Derro/deadshit: derro is short for derelict. Someone who bums cigarettes at the train station. Wears thongs (flipflops) everywhere even in winter.

Bum: (verb) to bum sth: to beg for/ ask for / grift for. “Can I bum a smoke off ya” (often followed by “I’ll pay you back”)

Let’s see what gems they come out with this week, shall we?

[ashestoashesjc]

Heather looked busy. That was important. Keeping up appearances. Dragging icons around on her desktop, typing nonsense into blank Excel spreadsheets. She picked up the shiny black office phone, mimed some casual discourse, replaced the receiver, repeat. No one would know what she was actually up to. 

Not even she knew. Not really. But her orders had been clear. Behave as you ordinarily would. Greet co-workers. Take lunch. Answer calls. Above all: act natural. Await further instructions. 

They’d come in the middle of the night, this first ominous set of directives. Not through email, not over the phone or via text message. Who knows who else would have listened in?

Heather had been lying in bed, unable to sleep. A few hours earlier, she’d taken half a dozen melatonin tablets, but in a self-sacrificial act of rebellion, her mind remained attentive, buzzing. The sheep, she’d lost count of somewhere around five hundred. 

She struggled to remember where she’d left off. Instead, tomorrow’s meeting with Jensen, head editor at the publisher, sure to be a massive ego-fueled shitshow, drifted always to the forefront of her consciousness. 

Then: 548.

Heather froze. Who was that? 

It was a thought, certainly. It bounced around the confines of her skull with the intimate tenor of a thought. 

But it wasn’t one of hers. Of that, she was sure. 

She’d never really noticed before, had never paid it much mind, but her usual internal dialogue had a familiar timbre. Not her own necessarily. Maybe her mother’s? Maybe the daycare assistant from her youth with a face and voice like a fairy’s. Maybe some whimsical, maternally judgmental amalgamation. But there was safety in recognition. 

And this voice was altogether new. 

Deep, crystalline, cutting, like a beacon through dense fog. It spoke with a certainty warmed by a patience that, even wrapped in enigma, had an oddly soothing effect on Heather. 

548, the strange voice repeated. 

Heather grappled with the implications of responding. What would it mean if she did? What would it say of her mental state? Had she taken too many melatonin or not taken enough? 

Finally, “549,” conceded Heather in her own internal voice. No harm talking to yourself, she told herself. 

They continued, Heather and the voice, for some time. 633, 782, 805…

Heather had begun to nod off. Her eyes sealed tight, her breathing slowed, longer and longer intervals stretched between replies. She was right on the precipice of total submersion. 

Are you awake, said the voice. 

She started. One eye squinted ajar. “Now I am.”

It’s always difficult for me to tell, it said with apologetic notes. 

She wondered to herself, “Always?”

And then the voice said, How are things at work?

Heather so loved discussing the source of her stress-induced insomnia, particularly with disembodied delusions. “Peachy.” 

I can sense that things are not, in fact, ‘peachy.‘

“Then why’d you ask?”

It’s the polite thing to do. 

Heather felt the polite thing to do would be to not mention work at all. 

How long have you been there?

If there was one thing Heather couldn’t stand, beyond subway cars packed like pop-tab cans of Vienna sausages or men who falsely added inches to any applicable measurement, it was first dates. 

She found the idea of concentrating yourself and all your hopes and dreams and desires into capsule form unthinkably depressing. Interviewing for a life partner. What do you do, what are you looking for, do you like dogs, how many dogs do you see in your future, would you be willing to move to a farm, one with animals, where the only animals are dogs, check these boxes ‘yes’ if soulmate. Bleak shit. 

But at least with first dates there was the ever-lingering option of sex, to bestow or withhold. Right now her strongest desire was to be asleep and alone. 

The voice sighed. 

Let me be frank, it said. 

“Frank, John. You can be whoever you want to be, pal.” Slurred and mumbled, the melatonin had begun to make her a bit delirious. 

The voice took a moment, carefully selecting its next words. 

What if I told you… things are not as they seem?

Heather scoffed. Thinking you perfectly understand the world was something you either grew out of or didn’t, and very often those who hadn’t made careers of extolling their wisdom to the insanely gullible. 

“Were they ever?”

Quiet. I’m serious. 

There hadn’t been much in the way of levity to its voice to begin with. Here, though, the temperature dipped to freezing. 

Heather didn’t know why, perhaps it was the kiddy gloves with which she was being handled, maybe it was the precious moments of rest she was losing going back and forth with a voice in her head, but she prickled.

“Well, so am I,” she said, alert with defiance. “Weird, unexpected shit happens constantly. Every week there’s some new species discovery or unidentified flying whatever-the-hell. Last month, NASA figured out dark matter. Or antimatter. One of the two. I’m desensitized to the scope of how much I don’t know.” 

The voice didn’t respond. As the silence lengthened, Heather sighed. The voice was gone, dissipated into the ether with every other Ambien hallucination and ill-conceived one night stand. 

There she was: floating, delicately gliding, into that blurred pastel haze that precedes slumber. Deeper, deeper, deeper… 

Your Earth is due to be replaced.  

Heather was awake. 

[broodwolf221]

sera meta!

i love her soooo much - if not for solas, she'd be hands-down my favorite character from inquisition. so it's long past time i did a meta post for her <3

this is gonna be long and i added a lot of her relevant dialogue to it

dai context: yes, it's frustrating that the two elven companions both hate elves - i think it would've been better to have a third elven companion or major character who doesn't, but that doesn't detract from either sera or solas' characterization

meta overview: sera is young, traumatized, has deep-seated internalized racism, and has never had an opportunity to be vulnerable or to safely express herself. she's also very seriously autistic-coded.

part 1: her past

she was presumably born into an alienage, and as @skip-the-clumsy-dragon reminded me recently, city elves are expected to get married and have children. this is a realistic thing for them to prioritize (and dalish likely have the same priority) given the fact that they're an endangered culture. however, sera's a lesbian - to grow up in a society that tells her that she has to marry an elven man and have his children would've been incredibly ostracizing to her. the elves made her feel broken, directly or indirectly, and i think that's something a lot of queer people can relate to.

while only the last part is related, this bit of banter between her and solas is interesting in terms of her being a lesbian:

Sera: (shivers) Weird. Solas: Sera? What are you feeling? Sera: Ugh, here we go. It’s nothing, it just feels like I've seen this. Exactly this. It happens. Solas: Not to everyone. Sera: It’s not an elf thing. You’re not shaking. Sera: I suppose now you’ll switch to how I’m the same but different? Solas: You are different. You are the furthest from what you were meant to be. Sera: Well I’ve definitely heard piss like this before. Hmph!

she was adopted by the lady emmald, which looks fine at first, but as we're shown during the cookie scene, emmald didn't really care about sera. more than likely, she cared about what sera could do for her (a sort of live-in, unpaid servant in a child who she 'saved' from the streets) and the social esteem she'd get for 'rescuing' a 'poor elf' - lady emmald was the racist one, and the user, not the baker she blamed

Sera: I got caught stealing when I was little, yeah? You get alienage or worse for that, but the “Lady Emmald” took me in. She was sick and couldn’t have children. I had no parents. It worked out. Anyway, she gets a year sicker, so I ask about her cookies. Because mums make cookies. I can pass that down, or something. Turns out, she couldn’t cook. She missed that talk with her mum. The ones she “made” she bought and pretended. Aw, right? Well, no, she was a bitch. She hid buying them by keeping me away from the baker. She did that by lying that he didn’t like me, didn’t like elves. She let me hate so she could protect her pride. I hated him so much, and I hated… She looks away again. Sera: Well, she died, and I hate pride. “Pride cookies.”

"I hated him so much, and I hated... [being an elf]" is the obvious conclusion. and again, it makes sense - her people wanted her to play a role she couldn't, and wouldn't, play - and her adoptive mother allowed her to hate and hate so that she could protect her own pride.

Inquisitor: I don’t understand. This Lady Emmald was just trying to be good to you. Sera: She hurt people. Inquisitor: It was just cookies. Sera: It was not just cookies! Lie to herself? Fair play, only hurts her. But she made me think there was something wrong with me! And the baker! I made his life shit. Why not? It seemed like he deserved it. I mean, “if you don’t give a child a cookie because of appearances, you’re a monster.” Stupid, pride-whore noble. She pauses. Sera: I know, I said it was stupid. That’s why I want to get rid of it. I want to make better cookies.

she keeps calling herself stupid. she's angry and hurting and trying to be vulnerable, and when her vulnerability isn't supported she immediately resorts to calling herself stupid, making her feelings smaller, insulting herself before she can be insulted by the inquisitor, someone she's grown close to

Inquisitor: It is stupid. You dragged me here to bad-mouth a sad, dead woman. Sera: It’s not about that. Feelings are hard, all right? Inquisitor: Not for an adult! Sera: Bullshit! And I’m trying to say I like it here! I thought you’d want to know that, and eat my shitty cookies! / Sera: I just thought you’d want to know that I think you’re pretty great! That I made you shitty cookies!

"not for an adult" - sera is by far the youngest companion. and she's never had the opportunity to even begin unpacking her own trauma, until maybe haven/skyhold, depending on how your inquisitor treats her.

part 2: red jenny

after emmald, she ended up on the streets again. she was taken in by the red jennies. by this point she has personal cause to dislike elves and elven culture, and to dislike nobles - but she doesn't really hate humans, which is understandable considering that she's surrounded by them. she sees that they get treated like shit sometimes, too. her alliances are not and have never been along racial lines, but class divisions: she looks out for the "little people", which in her case means the poor, the unhoused, or those in servitude.

the fact that she doesn't live in the alienage means she's surrounded by human faith. i've discussed this before in prior metas, but in thedas, andrastianism or however it'd be spelled is likely not optional - it's presumed and absolute. christianity was like this too, in medieval times, the church was the core of cities and everyone was expected to be faithful. theres' an immense sociocultural pressure towards religious conformity that everyone is exposed to even if they don't personally go to the church/pray/etc. - it's just baked into the culture. the chant is everywhere. and people internalize stuff they're surrounded by, that's natural

so she's out here angry, bitter, finally able to be 'just' sera with the jennies, not expected to breed for them or to take their shit, allowed to be exactly who she is... and at the same time, she's immersed in chantry culture. she wants a parent, she wants someone who cares for her no matter what. she keeps hearing that it's andraste and the maker who will care for her.

Inquisitor: Odd that you’d ask Andraste over your own gods. Sera: “My” gods? Whatever. They don’t talk any more than she does. Not like she’s supposed to. I know what happened to you, or what everyone here thinks happened. It seems… I don’t know what it seems.

part 3: her behavior

she's outwardly callous and irreverent a lot of the time, but that stems from a mix of things, primarily: humor as a coping mechanism and having seen so much shit in her life. she talks about food a lot, but this bit of banter with blackwall explains why really clearly:

Sera: Hey, do you think they'll have pie when we get back? I could use a pie. Or three. Blackwall: That's... a lot of pie for one person. Sera: You'd understand if you've ever been hungry. In your bones hungry.

she also has a really grounded view of mages. it's not perfect, she's very afraid of magic - as she's been taught to be. i think people get caught up in the mage freedom angles the games have been showing us and forget that within the games context, mages are fucking scary and people are scared of them. i'm staunchly pro-mage, but it's useless to ignore the context they exist within

Sera: I knew a funny boy in Denerim. Started fires with his eyes. Templars nabbed him right quick, so he's better now, I guess? Dorian: Better? Do you know what your southern Circles are like? Sera: Meals and training? So he wouldn't starve or get stomped by a mob? I've seen both. Dorian: (Sighs.) You're sadly right.

circles are bad but also? she's right. training, room and board... when it's living in a circle vs. being killed on the street, i think most people would choose the former, even with all the inherent difficulties and the oppression of it, the abuses by the templars, all of it. because at least you're safer. and the training is important. it's all kinds of wrong the way it's structured, but mages do need training, there's no denying that

and she has a very practical, very grounded perspective on nobles and who would suffer in a massive revolution. when solas starts recommending guerilla warfare tactics to her, she shuts him down - not because his ideas are wrong, but because she can see ahead to all the harm it'd cause the exact people she's trying to protect

Solas: Once you have the aristocracy weakened, Sera, you will have to redirect your lieutenants. Sera: Oh, this again. All right, what am I doing? Solas: Some of your forces, valuable until now, have no interests beyond creating disruption. Chaos for its own sake. They must be repositioned where they can do no harm, or removed if necessary. You replace them with organizers willing to build a new system and carry out the ugly work that must be done. Sera: What? Why? What ugly work? Solas: That is up to you. Do you wish to disrupt the nobility, secure a title? Or change the political structure entirely? Sera: None of it! I don't want any of that!

Solas: I do not understand you, Sera. You have no end goal for your organization. Sera: Nobles get rattled, and people get payback. I play in the middle. Solas: Why not go all the way? You see injustice, and you have organized a group to fight it. Don't you want to replace it with something better? Sera: What, just lop off the top? What's that do, except make a new top to frig it all up? Solas: I…forgive me. You are right. You are fine as you are. Sera: You hurt my head sometimes, Solas. Solas: Yes, I have been known to do that.

conclusion:

sera is one of the most important characters in dai specifically because of the perspective she brings to the table. she's the average person. she's scared of mages and magic. she's scared of templars. she's scared of the grey wardens. she's young and tries so hard. she lived through the blight. she's traumatized af. she feels like she has no culture that will accept her as she is. the first people to accept her, to just see sera, are the red jennies, and she happily joins them. she offers herself to the inquisition despite being scared of it because a part of her wants to help and another part wants answers - but is scared of getting them at the same time.

Herald: But where do you stand on the war? Sera: In the frigging middle, with everyone else. Sera: You know what I hear about mages? Nothing until one goes all demony. Know what I hear about templars? Nothing, until they take “maybe-mages.”

she's a queer city elf who's expected to marry another elf and have his children. she's a poor elven child who's supposed to be grateful that she was offered a good life by a noble. she's never had a space where she was able to work through all her issues, or even begin looking at them for real - but when she does have that space, she is surprisingly vulnerable with people. the cookies are important because it's her biggest show of vulnerability - she's revealing her past and one of the things that haunts her most, and she's actively trying to change the context, to disrupt a childhood trauma with new, better memories

[saiyanlpkwife2013]

Midnight Siren

Chapter Seven: Hitoshi

Romantic relationship: Hitoshi Shinso x y/n (female/AFAB)

Chapter warnings: Cursing, angry Shinso

MINORS: DO NOT INTERACT BELOW THE "KEEP READING" BREAK.

You both ran in a comfortable silence, keeping pace with each other. Shinso was impressed.

For someone who hates running, she sure is keeping up really well.

At the halfway mark in the first lap, you slip in front of him running just a touch faster. He watches you from behind, trying to keep his focus on the task at hand but finding it difficult as his eyes trailed down your toned body. 

Hard to beat this view though.

His mind jolted back to last night as he remembers stumbling upon your private bathing time. His ears become hot again and he picks up the pace to try to get ahead, pushing the intrusive thoughts out of his mind.

He barely notices the hiss that escapes your lips.

“You alright?” He casually asks over his shoulder, not daring to slow down as he knows the second he ends up behind you again, his pants will get tighter.

I wonder if she’s pushing herself too hard. She may have actually gotten hurt somehow during that whole mess and is just now realizing it.

***

“No, I’m fine!” He hears you say a little too enthusiastically. He’s unable to see the deep blush that has taken over your face. Thankfully, even if he had seen, you feel confident that you could just pass it off as a side effect of the exercise.

I don’t think I’m supposed to know that...Shit, I’m guessing that’s who I heard last night.

Your eyes trail up to a spot on his neck, right where his hairline ends. You decide to assess his emotions at this point in time, unable to shake the fact that he has seen you naked.

Taking inventory of the space around him, you feel the amount of guilt he has about stumbling upon you last night. You are able to sense that it was an accident, one that he regrets...At least, mostly.

It’s difficult to be mad though as he clearly feels shame. That would explain a few things. You think back to this morning, how he avoided eye contact and the internal dialogue he held with himself. Maybe one day, I can confront him about it. 

Or I could make things even harder for him.

You speed up, cutting him off as you both round the arena, coming up on completing your first lap. Shinso notices this and takes it as a challenge.

~*~

By this point, you are coming up on the end of your second and final lap around the arena, keeping pace with Shinso and barely breaking a sweat. Approaching your finish line, Shinso expects you to rub it in his face that you’ve finished your punishment. Much to his surprise, however, you start a third lap.

“What are you doing? You’re done.” Confusion takes over his face as he continues his way around the arena for a third time.

“Well, I don’t want you improving faster than me! Or have a reason to think you’ve worked harder than me here either. Besides, I figure I owe you for, you know, not letting that rock squish me to death. I don’t think I would look very good as a splat.” You laugh lightly, picking up the pace.

I wouldn’t have let that happen. I COULDN’T have let that happen. Not to someone like you...

You suck in your breath and hold it, wishing more than anything you could let him have his private thoughts...But wanting to hear more.

“Yeah, well, you ought to be more careful. You won’t be much of a sparring partner if you’re busy bleeding out.”

You feign irritation, scoffing at his choice of words. “Oh, yes! Silly me. I should’ve KNOWN the fucking ground had a vendetta against me today. I’ll make sure to mark my calendar for next time so I won’t have to put you in such a bind. I sometimes can’t believe how selfish I am!” You dramatically roll your head while keeping your same speed. Shinso darkly chuckles.

“So long as you know.” 

You two continue to race while off in the distance you see Pixie Bob running down to meet Aizawa. Instantly, you focus your attention on them.

“I wonder what that’s about.” Shinso cuts through your focus as he looks on at the two pro heroes. 

“I’m not sure. I wonder if they felt the earth shaking earlier too.” Your mind takes over and drifts to the mental conversation between the two of them.

God, Aizawa, I can’t believe how stupid I was. I’m so sorry!

It’s them you should be apologizing to. You could’ve killed my students, you know.

I didn’t realize how close I was to the arena. I was trying to prepare for one of my lessons and the earth beast I was commanding got a little closer to this area than I intended. A LOT closer, apparently. Are they alright?

Thankfully, yes. All because Shinso has improved drastically on his speed. Not to mention his ability to manipulate the binding cloth. That’s how he was able to pull Y/N to safety. I would never tell them this but I’m not sure they realize how close that rock was…

You did your best to ignore the rest of the conversation, not really wanting it to sink in just how deadly that whole training exercise could have been.

Shinso picks up on your concentration, not really understanding what you could possibly be hearing from so far away. You two run in silence for the rest of the third lap. 

At the start of the fourth lap, you show no intention of slowing down. Shinso rolls his eyes lazily.

“You don’t have anything to prove to me, you know. You can sit this one out and I won’t say a word.” He glances over to you, almost pleading.

“Sorry to disappoint you, Shinso. You’re just going to have to be stuck with me for one more lap. But don’t worry, I’ll give you your space after we BOTH complete this last mile.” You smile, looking ahead, still keeping up with the brainwasher.

I didn’t say anything about giving me space…

“Hitoshi.” He almost whispers.

“Huh?” You almost stop running at the unspoken words followed by what sounded like his first name.

“Call me Hitoshi.”

~*~

By the end of the fourth lap, you both were ready to call it on the cardio regardless of the fact that you both were actually in really good shape. The adrenaline from the rock incident earlier has subsided and you were looking forward to leaving the cliffy area.

You and Shinso both start to slow down to a jog as you approach Aizawa and Pixie Bob, stopping in front of the trainers waiting for your next instructions. Pixie Bob was the first to initiate conversation.

“I am SO sorry about the, uh, rumbling earlier. I understand that it almost resulted in, um, a bit of an accident—” 

“A bit of an ‘accident?’ That could have killed Y/N.” Shinso cuts off the pro hero with a hint of malice laced in with his blunt recount of the events from earlier. Your eyes widened at his reply, mostly from the tone he spoke with in such a way to a seasoned hero…

And also at the sound of your name leaving his lips for the first time.

“Yes, and Erasure tells me that if not for you, we four—or rather—three would be having a very different conversation than the one we are having now. I am grateful to you Shinso for stepping up and saving the day when I clearly failed to take the necessary precautions.” Pixie Bob then turns to you, “I hope you can forgive me, Y/N. I am unable to offer anything other than my sincerest apologies and the promise that it won’t happen again.”

“It’s fine, Pixie Bob. Don’t worry about—”

“Don’t make promises you might not be able to keep. If we as students have to be aware of our surroundings, might I suggest a refresher for the ones who are to be training the students? I’d be pretty pissed if I was having to scrape up a dead classmate right now.” His eyes staring intensely at the Pussycat who seemed to have shrunk in size right before your very eyes.

Shit, he’s right. God, I feel like such an idiot, a student having to chastise me is a new low…

Hm...This is an interesting development. You look at Aizawa desperately wanting him to elaborate further on what the hell he could possibly mean by “interesting development” as well as step in and end the uncomfortable conversation that was unfolding before you.

What if I had been too late?...I barely even know this girl and I can’t imagine—

The air continued to get uneasy as Shinso’s mind flashed images of his perspective when the giant rock started to hurtle towards you, except the scene playing in his mind looked as though he was too late… As the images continued to replay over and over, you shudder, deciding now would be the perfect time to alter the emotional atmosphere.

If you got in trouble with your mentor, you didn’t care. You needed this to end NOW.

With Vibe, you breathe out, bringing in a more relaxed space around the four of you. Instantly, you see Shinso and Pixie Bob’s shoulders release tension and their faces soften. Funnily enough, Aizawa didn’t look affected at all. Then again, he didn’t really seem to be all that invested in the conversation taking place, at least not outwardly.

I see you decided to use Vibe, Y/N. Your eyes look up to Aizawa, almost pleadingly with a hint of apology. You couldn’t stand to go against the rules but you didn’t need everyone at each other’s throats over something that ended up working out just fine.

Shinso looks at you as though he realizes what you’ve done, his eyes confused as he has just experienced part of your quirk for the first time. Pixie Bob looks relieved to say the least.

“Well, we can leave the ‘scraping up dead classmate’ for another day!” You say, with a light chuckle. “I’m starving. You think it’s about lunch time, Mr. Aizawa?”

~*~

Pixie Bob left the three of you to walk back to the dining hall from the arena you had just been training. This time, it was Shinso who had decided to walk ahead of you and Aizawa, hands in his pockets and staring at the ground while he quickly tried to get some distance.

For a time, you and Aizawa walked in silence with his mind not really seeming to focus on anything in particular to draw your attention. Though you weren’t entirely sure as to how your teacher would react, you wanted to express your remorse for using your quirk earlier on the group without his expressed permission.

“Mr. Aizawa, sir, I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I know I wasn’t given permission to use Vibe but—”

“You’re right. You had not been given permission.” He continued to look straight ahead, though his gait appeared lax as you both continued your slower pace towards the training facility.

“Right...I just...It won’t happen again, sir.” You bite your lip, hoping that you didn’t just make matters worse. It’s not like he had decided to chew you out or anything before you brought up the incident. Maybe it would have been better if you had just kept quiet on your way to lunch.

Though you will not catch me saying this out loud, I do understand why you did. Shinso seems to have been...affected by the earlier incident and I don’t believe it was the wrong thing for you to do.

You glance beside you and see that Aizawa has his eyes trained on you without turning his head. 

“Yeah, well, hopefully he doesn’t hold it against me, you know, not saving myself instead of having to rely on his help.” You chastise yourself in front of your mentor.

“Is that why you ran the additional laps?” Aizawa has now shifted his eyes ahead, still maintaining his indifferent expression.

“Partly, yeah.” You admitted. Aizawa cocked an eyebrow at that.

“Well, it appears that Shinso has...taken an interest in you. So I don’t believe he will be holding it against you.” Now it’s your turn to blush, remembering the images that flashed through your mind earlier when you two were running with each other.

“I’m not sure I know what you mean, sir.” Am I REALLY talking about this with my teacher?!

“You’re a bright student, Y/N, which I know is something that he appreciates. You did give him a run for this money today during the training exercise. I know that he has been searching for a worthy opponent which I believe he may now consider you to be in the running.” He pauses, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, much like the indigo-haired man who shares the same habit. “In the meantime, consider ways you can continue to work on improving your quirk with the resources we have available here.” He seemed to almost end the conversation there but you had one more question.

“Sir, speaking of resources available...Do y-you think disclosing my full quirk to Shinso would be prudent?”

Aizawa slows his pace even more so than he was previously moving, clearly focusing on his words carefully as though forgetting you could likely predict his answer. You mirror him and wait patiently for his verbal advice when he flicks his eyes up to yours.

“That will be something for you to decide. For obvious reasons, it is best that as few people know about your quirk as possible, though it is YOUR quirk to manage. I also understand pieces of your background that would make you hesitant to disclose your full quirk for personal reasons.” He paused, clearly mulling over his thoughts as he tried to choose his next words carefully. “What I will say is this: If it were up to me to decide which student would be best for you to confide in the nature of your full quirk, Shinso would not be my last choice.”

Okay, I’m almost more confused than I was before this conversation started.

Aizawa noticed your eyebrows furrow as you tried to sort out exactly what it was that he was trying to say. He sighed, deciding that he ought to elaborate a little further.

“Shinso has had...similarly difficult experiences related to his quirk. He certainly would be able to relate with your struggles. He is a strong student, already catching up with class 1A even though you both have just joined. And if I know him as well as I think I do, he is trustworthy with sensitive information.” He turns to continue walking towards the training facility. “Still, it will be up to you to make the final decision.”

You two continue to walk in verbal silence, though you hear his mind trail on…

Shinso would be the best option. Really, the only option I am comfortable with…

[ystrike1]

The Real Daughter is Back - By Rina (8/10)

Twenty chapters of this have been translated so far, and the yandere is about to bloom...er...maybe explode is a better word. This revenge fantasy subverts some very tired and boring tropes. I'm not going to claim that it's incredibly unique, but it's fun. For now the yandere moments are dialogue/internal thoughts only.

Helga Yttri is a child prodigy. Her useless father and her mother both hate her. Her father is always absent and her mother's hatred is irrational. She's the daughter of a ducal house, but her biological mother is a maid. That's why both of her parents treat her like an object. The Duke and Duchess of Yttri are abusive, but they have high expectations for their fake daughter.

She's a tool for them to use.

She would be in the streets without them, so she has to work hard.

Helga is a pretty darn good main character. She's not saint but she's never cruel for no reason. Her genius is the glue that is holding the Yttri family together. Also, she has magic but she doesn't use it. Her mother believes that her only biological child is still alive. The Duchess will never accept Helga, because she truly believes that the real thing will return someday.

Why can't the Duchess just sleep with the Duke and have another child?

Well...the Duchess hates him too much to let him touch her.

Duke Yttri ruined his wife. She was a powerful lady Knight before she met him. Now she's an unloved, overworked housewife who can't keep up anymore. She's a bitter, mean, middle aged woman. She pushes work onto her underage daughter, because she no longer cares about anything but her reputation. She goes to parties. She kisses ass. She pretends to be the perfect mom who taught her daughter to be just as perfect as her.

She's a hollow shell of her former self.

The Duchess is a great villain because Helga loves her. I know it's fucked up but children do love their abusers sometimes. The Duchess did mold her into the perfect young lady. Helga is hailed as a genius and a beauty. She would not have become so perfect of she didn't work herself half to death for her mother's love.

So, this is the situation.

Helga has two deadbeat parents.

Her brain power is the only thing keeping the duchy from falling.

Technically, she has all the power and she can leave.

She doesn't because she hopes Mother will acknowledge her one day.

It will happen, after mother finally accepts the fact that her real daughter died.

Right?

Wrong.

Hyillan returns. The Duchess is overjoyed...and she tries to give EVERYTHING to Hyillan. The Duchess says the two girls are going to switch names. What?? This gets weird, and it really makes the Duchess look unstable. Hyillan looks exactly like Helga, but she was raised by a maid. She knows NOTHING about court life or finance. Literally all she has is her pure noble blood.

Also.

You're not gonna believe this.

Hyillan is a very nice girl.

She is not suited for politics, finance or even public speaking. She likes gardening and horseback riding.

Hyillan is the worst possible candidate for a Duchess position. The current Duchess tries to dump everything on her anyway.

It's a complete disaster.

Hyillan doesn't even know how to walk in high heels. Compared to Helga, who worked day and night, she's inferior. So inferior that it's embarrassing.

Even the Duchess knows her daughter isn't capable deep, deep down.

Helga is pissed. Hyillan didn't intend to steal all of her accomplishments, but it's happening. The Duchess simply doesn't give a shit about all the work Helga did. The Duchess intends to even strip her first name away. Helga plans her revenge. It will be brutal. The Duchess is in denial. When Helga leaves their treasury will dry up, because Helga literally does all of the business in the house.

Her plan is actually quite simple.

Helga has a fiance named Rohan. He's a prince who spent four years on the battlefield. He's known for his viciousness with a blade. He really loves Helga, even though they haven't seen each other for four years. He is a member of the Imperial family, and they want a Yttri bride. They want a well bred crown princess for their warrior prince. The Duchess was more than happy to sell Helga to the violent man, but now Hyillan is back. The Duchess tells her two daughters to lie. Helga will take the name Hyillan, and marry the evil prince. Hyillan will take the name Helga, and run the Duchy. The two daughters look like twins, so the Duchess thinks the plan will go well.

She's an absolute fool.

Rohan knows pretty much everything about Helga. Her nervous habits, her favorite color, her eating habits, her sleeping habits, the abuse she experienced, the emotions she tried to hide...the list is fucking endless. Rohan is practically a mind reader when it comes to Helga.

He figures out what the Duchess is doing, and he doesn't care.

As long as he gets to have Helga it doesn't matter. If he has to call her Hyillan so be it. If he has to act cordial with the stupid Yttri family so be it. He'll do whatever Helga says. He tells her to use him. He gifts her a lovely wedding gown and gifts perfectly tailored for her. He'll tolerate the abusive assholes if she tells him too....but...

Helga plans to flee after the wedding.

Her revenge is pretty fucked up actually. She knows Hyillan is not smart enough to hold a high title. Crown princess is a pretty fucking high title. The imperial family wants a Yttri. They'll get one. After Helga flees Hyillan will have to marry Rohan. That will cause an earthquake of disasters for the Duchy. Helga intends to ruin her abusive mother completely. She is going to take her beloved daughter away from her, and disappear.

Leaving the Duchess with nothing.

Put simply:

Helga will be gone, so no one will be making money for the Duchy.

Hyillan will have to live in the Imperial palace, far away from the Duchy.

Far away from the mother that obsessively longed for her for decades.

Wow.

That's a pretty villainous revenge, but it's not going to work.

Or...will it???

The prince is crazy for her. The Duchy does need her back, but she has magic. Magic is incredibly rare in this setting. It's her trump card. She uses it to teleport away from her wedding. I'm absolutely certain that she's serious about never helping the Yttri family ever again. Hyillan will probably have to live as a maid (or maybe a very minor noble)

Helga's parents are definitely doomed.

Rohan is enraged, because he wanted to save her. He wanted to whisk Helga away from her awful family and spoil her. This isn't that kind of story though. That kind of sweet revenge isn't enough.

Helga will not be satisfied until the mother that refused to love her back is crushed.

She's a genuine villain. She's knows Rohan loves her. She knows Hyillan is sweet and innocent. She knows her country needs her, but she leaves anyway.

It's kind of great.

I hope Rohan snaps and finds her with his army. His unhinged ranting is very promising.

[socalledsomethingorother]

never forgiving the english dub of dvk pt.2

there’s. so many little intricacies in the dialogue of that episode and they managed to get all of them wrong.

the manga/sub makes it appear like they’re talking to each other in their internal monologues, while the dub changes that. the dub also made izuku grow more of a backbone than bro needed in these scenes. “i guess i shouldn’t be surprised that we’ve both been getting stronger” my ass. this isn’t about you.

also.

“i never felt good about this myself, which is why i never told you. but when the urge to win is stronger than the desire to save, i tend to run my mouth a little more without thinking. you’d think i’d hate myself for that, but somewhere deep inside, it’s because you’re who i picture when i think of ‘victory’.”

vs

“i’d never admit something like this to your face. but the truth is, when i get riled up and my desire to win surpasses my desire to save someone, without meaning to, i start talking like you. you’re so mean sometimes, and i hate it. but my idea of victory is so tied to the image of you in my head that in those moments, i can’t help but imitate you.”

the manga is so poetic, while the dub just seems repetitive to me.

i get how shit gets lost in translation, especially since it’s coming from manga to anime before it’s even translated to english, but it’s sad to me that this episode lost so much of its meaning.

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

Currently Watching - August

aka The Masterlist

Because I love a good little list - in alphabetical order! 😊

Regularly updated during the month, latest update 31.08.2023

Here you can find my weekly roundup that goes into a bit more detail about each episode.

And a little link to my favorite bl-tropes-collection 💙

I am always happy about gif-requests. If you want a special scene, just let me know.

Here you can find all of my gifs.

And if you want to show me something you think I might like, just let me know with #josistag

At the end you can have a look at what we can expect in August with MDL link and a link for a trailer (if avaible).

This is guaranteed to contain spoilers!

1. Dangerous Romance (Ep 2/12 on Youtube)

I really liked the first episode. Well, I hated most of the parts, because of the whole bullying, but it feels like a really good enemies to lovers story and I am weak for this shit. There is way more bullying than I thought would be and it is really hard to watch at some points, but I love Sailom! He is such a clever badass!

2. Hidden Agenda (8/12 on Youtube)

Okay, I can smile a little bit watching this. Both of them have a hidden agenda and I kind of like Joke and his attempts to make Zo fall for him. And I like that we already know that Joke likes Zo. That makes everything...I don't know...a little bit cuter. And after the third episode I was finally all catched up and I am invested now! I like this show!

3. I feel you linger in the air (2/12 on Gaga)

Okay, I wanted to wait to binge watch, but I couldn't resist to sneak into the first episode and now I am obsessed! This time travel drama looks just so good and I love all the interactions between Jom and Yai! I am here for the fluff, but I guess I stay for the angst...

4. Jun & Jun (7/8 on Viki)

An office drama about Lee Jun and Choi Jun, who were childhood friends and who meet again after being seperated for years. The one an intern and the other one the director. I like those combinations, so I am looking forward to it. And the flirting is strong in this one! Just learned that it is rated PG 16...that explains a lot!

5. King the Land (10/16 on Netflix, no bl)

You know the feeling, you wake up in the morning and you're craving some good korean romance drama? That happend to me one day and so I just thought to give this a shot and it is good. Cheon Sa Rang works as a concierge at the King Of The Land Hotel and there she always has to wear a smile, fake or real doesn't matter. She meets the new boss in town Gu Won, who just can't stand fake smiles, but I guess her beautiful and real smile will make him fall head over heals.

6. Kiseki: Dear to me (3/13 on Viki)

The start is quite promising. I am looking forward to see more of the second couple. But for now I am pretty satisfied with this series, the plot and the characters.

7. Love Class Season 2 (6/10 on Viki)

I just wanted to watch one episode and see if I like it and now I am invested! This looks as this could be a really interesting story. I like the acting and the dialogues. I am curious how every story will progress. And yes, the epsiodes are way too short!

8. Minato Shouji Coin Laundry Season 2 (9/12 on Gaga)

Minato and Shin are dating for three month now and it feels like we are back at the beginning of the first season. Minato is always surprised when Shin wants to exchange some affection or when he just wants to know if Minato likes him. And to be honest, if I was in his place, I would ask too, because right now it doesn't feel like Minato likes Shin. But with the second episode we finally get some of Minato's thoughts and it is cute and sad at the same time. The second episode totally got me and I am excited what there is to come!

9. Only Friends (3/10 on Youtube)

I have the deep urge to call it Only Fans... Can't see the difference. It is cringy... and funny... and yes, very hot. It was a wild start that just promise a wild ride! The most surprising thing for me: the plot wasn't that bad.

10. Stay Still (1/5 on Youtube)

Well this first episode was a little bit confusing. It felt like you've been thrown into the middle of the story. Perhaps I should watch episode 0, but why not make it the first episode? So Damien and Hayden start a new, complicated relationship and Archie and Kelvin restart their high school love. I like the flashbacks. Archie and Kelvin were cute together.

11. Taikan Yoho / My Personal Weatherman (2/8 on Viki and Gaga)

This has a very interesting vibe. Yoh is a manga-artist. Because his work is not that popular, he accepted a deal by his senior in college, now a well known weatherman. Yoh accepted to be Mizuki's slave. He does everything at home and obeys to the weatherman's wishes. And everytime there is a sunny forecast, they sleep together.

12. Wedding Plan (7/8 on iQiyi)

I knew I am going to have a problem as soon as I finished the trailer. And here I am...totally obsessed with this show! And we are on episode 1! Well, what happens when the Wedding Planner and the groom fall for each other? I don't know either, but I can't wait to find out!

13. Why R U (4/8 on Viki)

The korean version of the thai series Why R U that is so different than the original one. And I really like it! The characters are fun, the story is, well, not that special, but I like it, and over all I like the vibe of this one.

Finished in August

Series

1. Sing My Crush (8/8 on iQiyi)

Han Baram wants to quit making music after confessing to his first love and he got rejected. But he meets Im Hantae, who manage to befriend him and push him back on his way. The story skips a few years and lfe becomes complicated with plagiarism and a second wind. Such a beautiful story! I loved every minute of it! I love stories about arts like books, writing, dancing and of course music! And this is really good! A wholesome 10 out of 10 for me!

2. His Man Season 2 (14/14 on Gaga)

The korean dating show for gay people! I loved the first season and the second was so much better. There was so much drama, but also so many wholesome moments and discussions. And yes, I was and am a fan of the roommates! I loved how their relationship developed and the fact that those two are still dating is just 🥰 And thank you @leonpob for our weekly discussions about the show! I am looking forward to the third season 🥰 This is a 10 out of 10 for me.

3. Shigatsu no Tokyo wa... (8/8 on Gaga or Viki)

Kazuma and Ren were close friends during middle school and now meet again years later after their ways parted. This was a turbulent ride for us, but it was so good. I like the darker tones this bl had and how close it was to the original webtoon. This bl made me sad and happy and the ending was just so wholesome. It deals with some difficult topics, so watch with caution. But for me this is a 10 out of 10.

4. Be My Favorite (11/12 on Youtube)

When Kawi tries to travel back in time to change his life, it doesn't necessarily go in the direction he had in mind. But this series is so much more than just a time travel story. Kawi is like our inner voice of insecurities and inadequacies. And it is like healing a little bit watching him gaining a little bit more self confidence and self love. And the same goes for Pisaeng. His journey in self-acceptence and starting to live the life he wants and deserves is just so beautiful. This series just screams in your face to live the life you truly want like you would never want to travel back in time and change a decision. And that is such a strong message! And I love all the characters and their decisions and the growth all of them were going through. And I love that it is shown that we can't help everyone, because some things can't be changed. But we can try to be the best support, the best friend, the best child and also the best parent we can be. For me one of the easiest 10 out of 10!

5. Stay with me (22/24 on Gaga)

Okay, I was sceptical at first. This new adaptation of Addicted came out of nowhere for me. I really like the original adaptation, despite its flaws and toxic traits. But Stay With Me managed to be such a great show! I am lost for words at this point! The characters are all so well written, the story is so good and the actors really remind me of stubborn highschool students which is quite nice. The chemistry is off the roofs! It has an open ending, but more because the second season is confirmed and I can't wait! The dance the show had with the chinese censorship was beautiful! This is really not a bromance, it is a bl and I love it so much! One of the best watches this year! Yeah, this is a total 10 out of 10 for me.

Movie

1. Red, White and Royal Blue (on Prime)

I haven't read the book, yet. It sits on my Pile of Shame and wants to be read someday. The movie was... wobbly and rushed. Alex and Henry were cute together, later in the movie. In the beginning of their relationship, they were most of the times horny. But I liked them together. And at the same time it felt a little bit bland. I don't know how to express it... the chemistry lacked of emotional connection for me. There was not really character in the characters. They felt a little empty. So I will read the book soon, to get the emotional impact of everything going on. Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie. I had fun and was well entertained and the love story was cute. A 7,5 out of 10 for me.

Short Film

Rewatched in August

Dropped/On-Hold in August

1. See you in my 19th life (7/12 on Netflix, no bl)

It was so good when I started it, but I couldn't keep up with it and so I lost interest over time. I guess it would be different if I binge watched it. I know I won't come back here soon, so I just dropp it for now.

2. Low Frequency (3/8 on iQiyi)

Well, I really don't have the urge to watch this anymore. Perhaps I will come back to it, when it is finished airing, but right now...no thanks. The story is interesting, but I think it is a little bit to exhausting for me right now.

3. Dinosaur Love (8/10 on iQiyi)

Well this was a dumpster fire. It was fun to watch in the beginning, but after a few episodes it wasn't funny anymore. It was exhausting and nothing I was looking for in my weekly schedule. So, the conclusion was I dropp it. And I am fine with not knowing how it ended...

Looking forward to in August

Stay Still - Trailer (August 1st on Youtube)

Sing My Crush - Trailer (August 2nd on iQiyi)

Heartstopper Season 2 - Trailer (August 3rd on Netflix)

Taikan Yoho (My Personal Weatherman) - Trailer (August 11th on Gaga)

Love Class Season 2 - Trailer (August 11th on Viki)

Red, White & Royal Blue - Trailer (August 11th on Prime Video)

Only Friends - Trailer (August 12th on Youtube)

Dangerous Romance - Trailer (August 18th)

Love in Translation - Teaser (August 19th)

My Universe - Trailer (August 20th on iQiyi)

Kiseki: Dear to Me - Trailer (August 22nd on iQiyi and Viki)

Why R U? Korean Remake - Trailer (August 24th on iQiyi)

Man Suang - Trailer (August 24th in Thai Cinemas)

I Feel You Linger In The Air - Treaser - Pilot - Trailer (August 19th on Gaga)

Crazy Handsome Rich - Trailer (August 28th on Gaga)

[saucy-sassy-sparkly]

Moments: Four

Author's Note: Darlings, here she is: part four. Part five is mostly drafted so we’re not finished yet ;)

Pairing: Chris (buzzcut era) Evans x reader

Word Count 6.7k

italics are flashbacks (except the beginning rambling), and bold are text.

Moments Masterlist

Four: 2012, Prague

The older we get, the more we come to appreciate the little things…

The stolen hour in your schedule for coffee and catching up with a friend.

The relief of warm socks, fresh out of the dryer, on a cold winter evening.

The taste of your mom’s chicken noodle soup when you feel like shit.

The warmth of a hug from your grandfather.

The smile a memory can give you, even when the moments around it hurt.

Those are the things that matter; creating a life made up of moments that fill your soul.

“Go again,” Chris rolled his shoulders and took a deep breath while he waited for everyone to reset. It was the third time they’d rehearsed this scene today and the stunt coordinators still weren’t happy. His back was covered in sweat and he was panting while he quietly embraced the few moments to catch his breath. He waited for the go signal, watching his castmates take directions and nod, feeling grateful that no one was approaching him. On the signal, he artfully twirled his fake ax and then charged at the oncoming foes, batting several out of the way quickly in a perfectly choreographed fight.

He ducked, struck, rolled, and attacked for several minutes, working his way from one end of the faux tunnel to another. When he did this on set, it would be darker and he’d have on far more- his T-shirt allowed him to move easily now but he knew he’d have to accommodate the bulk of the winter clothes his character- Curtis- would be in. Right now, in the lights of the rehearsal space, he could focus on each move he had to make and reciprocate appropriately. Chris was often grateful that fight scenes hardly had dialogue for good reason– he was out of breath by the time each sequence was done.

By the fifth time they reset and ran the sequence, the stunt coordinators were finally happy, which made Chris and his cast mates happy: that meant the end of the day. They’d been rehearsing all of the various technical sequences all day— all week in fact— and Chris was sore and tired. A hot shower, cold beer, and a cheeseburger from room service were calling his name. He could indulge tonight before a long-awaited day off from rehearsals. He’d been here a month and it was only the third full day off; he was hoping he finally had the energy to do a little sightseeing.

Y/N’s hand was cramping from the frantic notes she scribbled in her notebook. The speaker clicked through his slides at a ridiculously fast pace while she tried to make notes on best practices and new research to take back to her practice in DC. Because she was unmarried and childfree, she and two of her older colleagues– the one and only man, Keith, in their practice with college-aged children who she’d hardly spoken to, and a woman, Rachel, in her 50s who’d never married– had been voluntold that they would attend the annual International Psychology Conference in Prague. The other four women in her practice had young children and it was “hard to get away”.

So, Y/N had decided to take it as an adventure. She’d taken an additional week off of work to get to tour Prague. She’d flown out with Keith and Rachel on Monday evening and arrived in time to drop their bags at the hotel and attend the first series of lectures. On the flight, they’d spent the first 90 minutes going through the conference brochure and deciding which items would best suit their practice and who would attend each. The rest of the flight, while Keith napped, had been used for Rachel to explain to Y/N all the ways the other women in the practice were rich, selfish bitches that just wanted to make other people do things they didn’t want to.

Y/N was still new to the practice– new to the career in general. She’d been hired nine months ago after finishing her graduate degree and interviewing with several practices in the DC area. She’d fallen in love with this practice that was the #1 recommended practice for women and children experiencing abuse or homelessness in the DC area; when they’d offered her the job, she was over the moon. Her clients ranged from children to teens, from play therapy to talk therapy, and filled her heart knowing she spent her days helping others.

When she’d shared this with Rachel, Rachel had sighed, rolled her eyes, taken a huge gulp of her vodka tonic, and said, “You’re so sweet and inexperienced.”

The more time she spent with Rachel, the more she thought that maybe Rachel was the bitch…

“You should’ve brought a laptop,” the woman next to her whispered when Y/N dropped her pen to flex her hand a few times. She offered a half-hearted smile in return before beginning a flurry of more notes. By the time the speaker was finished, she’d covered the front and back of half a spiral notebook. It was filled with her scribbles from the whole week: each speaker, their background, their contact information, their research, their insight… She'd take it back to her hotel room and transcribe it neatly into a second spiral notebook that she would keep on her well-organized office shelf with all the other meticulously kept notebooks from college and grad school.

She met with Keith and Rachel to walk back to the hotel; Keith was clicking through his Blackberry, presumably messaging his wife as he had most days at the end of the conference, while Rachel had started talking about dinner. For the last four nights, they’d eaten together, chatted about the speakers they saw, and then retired to their rooms alone. Y/N didn’t mind Keith so much; he reminded her of her Uncle Chuck– he was kind and funny and minded his own business. Rachel was tiresome but intelligent; she’d tried to convince Y/N to go out in the evenings for a drink but she’d politely declined each time.

She was looking forward to the week by herself. She’d convinced her boss to let her stay the week– work would pay for her plane tickets while she had to cover the additional week of hotel stay on her own. That seemed like a fair compromise since they’d paid for her hotel and food for the nights she was there on business. Y/N hadn't allowed herself any kind of real celebration after getting her graduate degree; she’d just jumped straight into job hunting and her career. It was time to take a break and enjoy herself. This was her first vacation alone… ever… and she was more than ready to take in Prague in the spring.

“Want to meet in the lobby at 6 and go for dinner?” Rachel asked as they approached the hotel.

Keith shook his head, “I’m going to get room service and finish packing.”

Rachel turned to Y/N who offered a tight smile… she could do one more meal with Rachel before a week alone so she agreed quietly as they approached the elevator bank.

Chris had disembarked the shuttle from the studio and lumbered in the back entrance of the hotel with his cast mates; they chatted casually as they made their way to the elevator banks. An elevator arrived just a few moments later and people clambered in, quickly filling the space. Chris waved them on, not feeling like spending another second cramped in with the other sweaty, exhausted actors. He stood alone waiting for the next car to arrive when the click of high heels on the tiled floor alerted him to someone approaching.

Three figures– a barrel-chested man, a short, middle-aged woman, and a lithe woman about his age– stopped and reached for the elevator call button. It was already lit up from Chris, but the youngest woman tapped it once for good measure and then stepped back and away from it. Chris kept his eyes downcast, trying not to be noticed or engage in conversation. The last thing he had the energy to do was engage in appropriate social banter with strangers. It was hard enough before he became recognizable; now that he had a superhero gig under his belt, it was almost impossible to avoid small talk and autographs once he made eye contact.

That said, from where she stood a few feet beside and in front of him, he struggled not to notice the curve of the young woman’s legs or the way her heels accentuated them in her business casual outfit.

The elevator arrived and Chris stepped back to let people exit, his eyes still downcast and then gestures to his companions. The older woman walked by him swiftly without a word, the man offered him a curt nod, and the youngest woman said a quiet, “thanks,” as she stepped in front of him where his eyes were again drawn to her curves.

He moved quickly around the young woman and into the back corner where he could try to hide; the other woman asked, “What floor?”

“Seven, please.”

“Easy enough,” there was laughter in her tone when he realized she’d already hit seven for all of them.

She backed away from the buttons and started to talk to the younger woman next to her, asking about dinner. Her companion had moved back beside Chris to lean against the back of the elevator to surreptitiously lift each foot and roll her ankle.

They still hadn’t made eye contact– but as the floors quietly passed and he watched her move on to ease out of her shoe just enough to flex her foot. She talked quietly with her friend, making plans to meet back downstairs in a few hours.

When the conversation lulled, Chris couldn’t help himself, “I don’t know how people don’t break more ankles in heels,” he gestured at her feet. “Seems awful.”

“For the right shoe or the right occasion I’ll take the pain, but I regret my decision,” she started to turn to him but was distracted when the other woman cut in, “is it your ankle again?”

“Yeah,” the younger replied, “I have an old injury that sometimes acts up when I wear heels too much. I think walking on the cobblestones is getting to me.”

The elevator dinged quietly to signal arriving at the floor and Rachel stepped out, followed by Y/N, then Keith, and then Chris. Keith had quietly said goodbye as the elevator doors were opening and Y/N had already wished him a safe flight while Rachel promised to meet him in the lobby at 7:50 tomorrow morning.

Rachel had stopped in the middle of the hallway to talk to Y/N, effectively blocking Chris from going past in the thin halls of the historic building. “Excuse me,” he muttered quietly, trying to get their attention.

Y/N stepped out of the way without looking at Chris; her eyes were still trained on Rachel as she talked quickly about dinner. She hadn’t moved. Y/N grabbed her arm and started to pull her out of the middle of the hallway just as Chris had said, “can I just–” a little more forcefully than he intended.

“I’m moving,” Rachel snapped, looking up at him before her eyes got wide. “Oh God,” she gasped.

Chris wanted to squeeze his eyes shut in frustration. He knew that reaction. He knew what was coming.

“Oh my God!” She said again, louder this time as she reached for his arm, “You’re Captain America!”

He slowly turned, trying to calm his breathing and stop the sweat that had just started to trickle down his neck again. He was so uncomfortable in these moments. He never knew what to do, how to respond, how long to stand there, how to get out of it… He took in the woman speaking. She wasn’t old and wasn’t unattractive; she was probably in her 50s with copper hair and green eyes; she was short and thin and had on a little more makeup than she needed, was dressed in a tailored pantsuit, and was grinning ear to ear.

“My nephews just love your movie, do you think I could take a picture with you to send them? I took them to see it in theaters. They watch it every time they come over. I’m a big fan too, you’re wonderful.”

Rachel was blushing furiously and talking faster than normal.

Chris forced a smile, “sure, I’d be happy to.”

Rachel turned to Y/N and started to hand her phone over, “Y/N, can you take it?”

Y/N didn’t respond.

Chris finally turned his attention to look at the other woman in the hallway and his breath caught in his throat.

He could still see the teenager in her face, but she was a full-grown woman now. She was stunning– as beautiful as he’d found her in line at the lift, in the tattoo parlor, on the dance floor. Years in between had done nothing but add to her beauty. She’d filled out in the most luscious, delicious way; his eyes trailed all across her body and back to her eyes. Those eyes. The ones he’d been able to both light up and tear up.

His heart hammered harder in his chest while he stared at her– the woman he’d been convinced was the one that got away. The woman he’d hated himself for leaving that night. The woman he very consciously compared every other woman to.

“Chris,” she breathed. He sighed her name in return, both of them staring in silence.

“Shit, Y/N, do you know him?” Rachel practically squealed, looking between the two of them.

“What are you–”

“I’m here for a conference, are you working?”

Chris nodded, “we’re in rehearsals now, filming starts in a few days.”

“Hi, Y/N, what's going on?” Rachel interjected again and Y/N felt frustration coiling, ready to snap. Her emotions were on overdrive right now and the absolute last thing she wanted to do was talk to this woman.

“We met years ago,” she turned to Rachel, trying to keep her voice from shaking, “we were kids. It’s been…” she trailed off.

“We met 15 years ago.” Chris finished for her, turning to Rachel. “Let’s get you that picture.” He told her, taking her phone and flipping it to the new front-facing camera. He held it at arm’s length and they both smiled. Chris took a few and then handed the phone back to Rachel who was already texting her nephews. Chris and Y/N were still staring at each other, neither one of them able to come up with the right words.

“I’ll meet you at 6, Y/N,” Rachel finally looked up from her phone and glanced between the two of them. “I’m going to need a lot of details,” she smirked and Y/N didn’t have the brainpower to roll her eyes. She knew that dinner was going to be a barrage of nosy questions. For a therapist, Rachel was not good at respecting boundaries.

“Should we… I mean… Why don’t we…” Y/N tried several different starts but faltered each time. Her whole body was shaking, she was sweating, and she was so anxious. Y/N was fiddling with the strap of her bag on her shoulder; Chris had seen her do this each time they’d been together– her anxiety manifested in fidgets and lip biting. The lip biting, he remembered, was one habit he liked on her.

“What room are you in?”

“734.”

“I’m 718,” Chris gestured in the opposite direction that Rachel had just walked. Had they been staying just rooms apart for days and never seen each other? They walked quietly down the hall and stopped in front of Chris’s room. They were both lost in thought for several more seconds before he said, “Do you have to go to dinner with her?”

Y/N huffed a laugh before glancing down the hall to see that Rachel was gone, “I don’t particularly want to, but it’s her last night and I already agreed to it.”

Chris nodded, “How long are you here?”

“Another week,” her fidgeting continued.

Chris visibly brightened, “Are you staying here the whole time?” She nodded. “I’m off tomorrow, can I take you to breakfast?”

Y/N hesitated and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth making Chris’s heart skip. She stared at him, her eyes bouncing between his before she nodded, “yes,” she said quietly.

“I’ll come get you at 10,” he started to reach for her, to pull her in for a hug, but he hesitated. He grasped the strap of his backpack tighter and raked his eyes over her face for any signs of regret, or hesitation. She was still biting her lip and watching him carefully; for a long moment, she didn’t respond to him and finally said simply, “okay.”

“See you in the morning,” he watched her walk down the hall, no more than 10 rooms away. He tried not to watch her ass, he tried to focus on all of her from the curve of her neck to the sway of her hips. She glanced back at him as she pulled out her room key; for the first time, she offered him a real smile, and even from down the hall, he saw a blush rise in her cheeks.

He launched his bag across the room to his bed and strode right into the bathroom to crank on the shower. Chris’s mind was racing. She was here. Y/N was here. She was down the hall, right now, and had been for days. He stripped out of the sweats and T-shirt sticking to his body and stepped into the warm water; he probably should’ve gone with a cold shower after seeing her; his whole body was tingling and excited. He was sweating again, he was anxious, and he was coursing with adrenaline.

He was positive, absolutely certain, he’d never have a chance to see her again. When he’d walked out of her DC apartment that night in a fit of stubborn stupidity, he’d hated himself every step of the way…

Chris shoved open the last door and let the cool night air hit him in the face. He couldn’t believe how stupid he was. How had he not seen it was her the moment his eyes fell on her? How had he taken this long to realize that it was Y/N? And more importantly, how was he a big enough dick that he’d just walked out on her after chasing her down and forcing his way into her apartment tonight.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself. No wonder she’d rejected him. No wonder she's pushed him away. He was impulsive and expected her to jump into his arms with one big gesture. He’d expected that even after he’d misled her about Jessica. Even after he’d spent two hours up against her and flirting with her without realizing who she was. And shit, the comment about other women…

Had fame really done this to him? He had a little taste of being famous with one big movie and it had gone to his head this fast? Did he really have his head so far up his own ass that he didn’t realize the girl of his dreams was standing in front of him? He’d been thinking about her for years– what the fuck was wrong with him? How… HOW had he not realized? He hadn’t been up close to her in seven years but it didn’t mean he hadn’t pictured her, hadn’t seen her pictures….

Chris was cocky, that wasn’t a secret. He knew he was hot shit, he knew that women fell at his feet, and he knew that he enjoyed their attention. He bought them drinks, took them to bed, and didn’t call because he didn’t have to… there was always someone else. But never who he wanted.

Because she’d walked out of that shitty little Boston apartment and he hadn’t stopped comparing every woman’s laugh to hers. He’d followed her basketball career, showing up at any game in LA or Boston without her knowing. He’d watched her stats and seen her success. He’d been proud to see her play live, hiding in the upper levels of stadiums to avoid being noticed, dragging his brother or sisters along whenever he could to be able to blame them if anyone asked why he was there. They’d never asked why they were there. But they’d cornered him one Christmas after they’d all talked and all realized that they’d all been dragged to women’s collegiate basketball games… and always the same team… and then Scott had gotten on the school’s website and recognized that one face from when they were teenagers…

His family knew. His close friends knew. They all knew how bad Chris had it for Y/N.

And yet here he fucking was, standing outside her apartment after he’d stormed out for absolutely no good reason.

He should go back in; he should walk back up the stairs to pound on the door and demand she open it.

But he didn’t.

He sat down on the curb, grateful it was late and there were only a few passing cars on this side street. Chris sat on the curb, his head in his hands, and loathed every part of his being. He decided to sit out here and wait for her to come out. She’d have to leave eventually and he would be here to grovel. He wouldn’t make excuses, he’d be honest– that he was a self-centered asshat who didn’t know his head from his ass and should’ve known immediately who she was.

It wasn’t until almost an hour later when Y/N’s friends, including Annie who he recognized from that fateful weekend and the weeks after, came stumbling out of a cab.

“Christopher Evans,” she slurred, pointing a finger at him as the other girls piled out and into the building, “you hurt her again, didn’t you.”

“Annie,” he said in acknowledgment, not responding to the rest of her statement.

“You’re a dick.” She walked by him and towards the door. He hadn’t realized she’d seen him in there too; of course, she had. He followed her to the door when she whipped around, “You will not come in here!”

“I shouldn’t have walked out on her, please, Annie.”

She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him, watching him beg. She’d done it before, sitting in that park, listening to him plead his case. She had the same look on her face then– one that he couldn’t read; he took a step towards her.

“Annie,” he pleaded, “I know I messed up last time, I don’t want to do it again. I’m not dating anyone, I’m entirely single. I compare her kisses to everyone I’ve ever kissed. Let me go back up there and fix this before it’s too late. I can fix this.”

“Fuck you,” Her words were venomous– a best friend defending her territory– but her tone was a purr; Chris took a startled step back as she prowled towards him. She closed the gap between them quickly though and put her hands on his chest. “C’mon, Evans,” her voice was low, and her hand was dragging across his pecs.

“What the hell, Annie,” he kept walking backward, stumbling over the curb and into the street.

“You can fuck me instead,” she was keeping pace with him; “you can’t have her, I won’t let you near her, but I’ll let you fuck me.”

He threw his hands up in the air as far away from her as possible, “not what I’m here for, Annie, I’m just here for Y/N.”

“I think you just want to get your dick wet, and I can be that for you.”

“I’m out of here,” Chris mumbled, shoving his hands in his pocket and finishing the walk across the street to the other sidewalk. Annie watched him go and he didn’t look back– not at her. He looked back across the street and up at the window that was still lit… the one where the curtain fluttered and he watched a feminine figure disappear into the recesses of the room.

He sat in his room now in Prague picturing that night and the feelings that coursed through him. The residual regret and disgust in himself were present every time he allowed himself to think of that night and how he’d handled it. He stepped out of the shower and toweled off, pulling on sweats and a t-shirt and ordering room service in hopes that some food in his stomach and a beer in his hand would settle his mind to think about what he wanted to say to her tomorrow.

Y/N stared out the window of her room at the bustling city getting ready for a Friday evening. People were going home from work, headed to get drinks, and bringing children home from the park and school. People all around her were going about their business, but she couldn’t.

Chris was down the hall. The last time she’d seen him, it was his retreating form across R Street and down the corner where he’d disappeared and she’d never seen him again. She’d allowed herself to see his movies, and she didn’t run away from his image as she had after the last blow to her ego. She was happy for him and proud of him. She was grateful for those two special nights in Vermont and Boston that had made her feel good. Time had given her perspective to appreciate that they were special moments and to let them be what they were– fun and flirty and nothing more. That night he’d walked out of her apartment in DC had hurt the worst….

Annie charged into Y/N’s apartment, kicking off her heels and finding the girls sitting on Y/N’s kitchen floor eating Bagel Bites and chugging water, giggling over their recap of the night. Annie continued through the apartment to find Y/N curled up on the sofa in sweatpants and a Bucknell sweatshirt she hadn’t seen in ages.

“Y/N… what are you wearing,” Annie sighed, dropping on the sofa next to her and pinching the sweatshirt between her fingers. Y/N shrugged, not responding but tucking in on herself more. Annie saw the puffy eyes and quivering lip. “He’s not worth it.”

“I know.”

“He’s an ass just trying to get some ass.”

“I don’t think he was, Annie, I don’t think I should've pushed him.”

Annie shrugged, propping her feet on the coffee table, “If he can’t handle being challenged then he couldn't handle a relationship.”

“He just wanted so much so fast. He was ready to jump in and be something but earlier tonight…” Y/N trailed off and twisted the sleeve of the sweatshirt in her fingers. It didn’t smell like him anymore, but she hadn’t allowed herself to get rid of it. She’d always intended to give it back to him that night in Boston but she’d left it at Annie’s dorm and then it had all fallen apart. All these years later she kept it tucked in the back of her closet when she wanted to be reminded of him.

Annie huffed, “he just came onto me, Y/N. Forget him.”

Y/N’s eyes widened, “what?”

“Yeah, he just asked me to go home with him. He did it when he kept calling me in Boston too. I had to chase him into the street and tell him off!” She rolled her eyes, “he’s a pig.”

Tears started to stream down Y/N’s face again, “I can’t believe he’d do that.”

Annie shrugged, “do you want some Bagel Bites? I’m going to get some before they’re all gone.”

Y/N shook her head and got up off the sofa, retreating to her bedroom. Her friends had stayed the night, taking up spaces on the sofa, and Annie eventually came in to share Y/N’s bed. Everyone had gone home the next morning hungover and talking about going out that night, but Y/N had crawled back to her bed after she locked the door behind her and cried.

Annie would’ve teased her, but Y/N had always believed in love at first sight because of Chris. She’d never admitted that the feeling she got when she first giggled at him in the lift line– when he was blushing madly and they couldn't stop making eye contact– was a feeling she’d been chasing her entire life. No one had made her feel that again. She’d only ever felt it again twice more: the night in Boston while he touched her and kissed her and for a fleeting moment last night when he’d slid into the cab next to her– when she realized this might actually work out.

Over greasy McDonald’s breakfast (the perfect hangover cure), Annie had gone on and on about Chris, despite the looks Sasha and Jenna kept throwing at her when they saw tears welling in Y/N’s eyes. She’d finally relayed the story about their meetup in Boston, when he’d claimed it was to get Y/N’s number and talked to her but, according to Annie, he’d hit on her the whole time. She said the same thing happened in the street outside last night– that Chris had said he was waiting to take her home and that Y/N was far better off without that sleazy fuckboy.

On the way to the elevators, Y/N glanced at Chris’s door, hoping that fate would call him out to the hallway; when she sensed no movement behind it, she continued to the elevator and then the lobby where Rachel dragged her into the bustling streets and to a restaurant she’d had recommended to her by one of the bartenders.

Dinner was easy enough; Rachel relentlessly pried Y/N for details about how she knew the stupidly handsome Chris Evans well enough to leave them both speechless. Y/N dodged the questions for a while as Rachel continued to top off her wine and eventually, the story tumbled out of her. She couldn’t stop herself; she needed someone to talk to– her feelings were too raw and emotional– she started in Killington and ended in the hallway, filling in as many gaps between as Rachel listened carefully and responded, to Y/N’s surprise, supportively.

“Sounds like you’d be stupid not to give him a chance again. It seems like the universe is telling you that you have to.” Y/N finished the last medovnik and dropped her fork while Rachel continued. “I’ve only ever been in love once, and I didn’t feel half as excited to see her as you do when you talk about Chris.”

“I don’t know if I’m in love with him, I hardly know him,” she sat back in her seat, tossing her crumpled napkin on the table next to her dessert. “And I just… I can’t…” She kept dropping her sentence while avoiding eye contact with Rachel.

Like a good therapist, Rachel caught onto the deflection and pounced; “Sounds like you’ve got more on your mind.”

“I do.”

“Spill,” she leaned forward and propped her chin in her hands, “I have the company card to buy dinner and I’m not paying until you get it all out.”

“I can’t get past the Annie part.”

“That he hit on her?”

Y/N nodded, “I just can’t stop thinking about that– that he’d claimed he wanted me but would then go hit on Annie and try to take her home– twice.”

Rachel was quiet for a moment, “did you talk to Annie about it?”

“Yeah, but she always blew it off and called him names before she changed the subject.”

“Talk to her again, it’s been years now, see if she’ll talk about it. She was probably embarrassed or ashamed that she might’ve shown interest when you were clearly involved.”

Y/N paused, playing with the tablecloth, “We’re not really friends anymore.”

Rachel’s eyebrows shot up, “oh? Why’s that?”

“We had a falling out about six months after that night with Chris.” Rachel was silent as she let Y/N gather her thoughts and continue.

“She slept with my boyfriend.”

“Come again.”

Y/N nodded, “I met this guy Brandon pretty soon after the whole thing with Chris happened. I liked him, he wasn’t going to be the one but we had fun. We all went to a Halloween party, I got too drunk and my friends took me home. The next morning I went to Annie’s to return the shoes I’d worn out… and Brandon was leaving. We ran into each other on the street, he came clean immediately and was at least decent enough to be apologetic before I obviously ended things. I went up to confront Annie and she lied to my face. I walked out and never went back. I took the shoes with me.”

Rachel didn’t say anything for several long heartbeats before she said, “so you’re telling me that she slept with your boyfriend and lied to you and you’re concerned about what happened with her and Chris?”

“Yes.”

“Y/N, you know what happened with them.”

“Huh?”

“Sweetie, you’re smart. Nothing happened with her and Chris. She lied to you then too.”

“I don’t know, Rachel, before that night with Brandon she was my closest friend in the world, why would she have made that up?”

Rachel rolled her eyes but said nothing, flagging down the waiter for the check. They walked back to the hotel with Rachel running her mouth again, although this time, Y/N had more patience for it; it had been a while since she had someone she could talk to…

“I’m going to head to the bar for a nightcap,” Rachel said over her shoulder as she marched away, leaving Y/N at the elevators. “Good luck!”

Y/N spun her ring on her finger while she waited for the car to arrive and rode up alone and in silence to the seventh floor. She made her way slowly down the hallway, pausing again outside his door and hearing the low hum of the television from inside. She hesitated, raising her hand to knock before dropping it and scurrying to her room.

Once inside, she plopped on the bed and continued to play with her ring, twisting it over and over again while her mind coursed through every single second she’d ever spent in Chris’s presence.

In total, it was less than 48 hours.

What was she thinking, throwing around words like love and soulmates for someone she hardly knew? She knew him better from his IMDB profile than she knew him. This was just lust, right? It had to be just lust. Just wanting something she’d never had.

And yet…

She knew what it was like to see his passion spark when he talked about something or someone he loved. That hadn’t changed in any of the moments they spent together.

She knew what it was like to see him look deeply into her eyes and listen to her bare her soul about her fears of failure, her secret hopes to help those who couldn’t help themselves and never ever laugh at her.

She knew what it was like to feel the weight of his hand on her waist bring comfort and solace, even when her anxiety was spiking.

She knew what it was like to watch those blue eyes take in her lips and watch her carefully before he kissed her.

This couldn’t just be lust.

She groaned loudly and forced herself off the bed and into the bathroom to change into her soft, mauve pajamas. She washed the makeup off her face and brushed the wine out of her mouth, swishing the water around and trying to concentrate on the feeling of the water in her mouth, the mint on her tongue… anything to keep her mind off the mountain of muscle down the hall.

Chris had sworn that he’d heard someone slow to a stop outside his door. He could’ve sworn he saw the shadow of two thin, lovely legs and the sound of hurried breathing before a quick rustle of feet on the carpet moving quickly away.

Then again, he was positive he’d heard someone outside his door every 15 minutes for the last three hours. The first four times he’d gotten up off the bed and checked the peephole. The fifth time it had startled him because it was actually room service. The sixth time, and every time after that, he forced himself to stay sprawled on the bed munching french fries and trying to pay attention to Big Bang Theory reruns.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t focus on Leonard and Penny, and Sheldon. He couldn’t keep his attention on their chaos and silly drama. All he could think about was Y/N. She was in the same city once again and he was bound and determined to make tomorrow morning the most important date she’d ever been on. He yanked his phone out to look up restaurants when he saw a text.

Scott: you dead? i havent heard from you all week Chris: basically Chris: you’re never going to guess who’s down the hall right now Scott replied quickly: Cher Chris: lol nope… Scott: … Madonna? Chris: … Y/N

Chris’s phone rang immediately and he picked up quickly, “what the fuck, have you talked to her?”

“I’m taking her to breakfast tomorrow.”

“Where? You know it has to be perfect. Was she mad? How did she seem? Did she hug you? TELL ME EVERYTHING!”

Chris laughed, shifting off the bed to his laptop to continue looking for breakfast choices, “she was nervous but she didn’t turn me down on the spot.”

“Christopher Robert, I may have broken her ankle but if you break this girl’s heart one more time, I’m going to break your face. Do you know how many shitty stadium hot dogs I had to eat while you pined for her? Do you know what an idiot you were in DC? Do you know how much I’d love to throat punch you for taking so goddamn long to fix this?”

Chris laughed before sucking in a breath and letting the pause linger; he quietly said, “what if I can’t fix it? What if she doesn’t want me?”

“Then you close the door on it for good, but you’ve always wondered. After you were a complete fool in DC you’ve never dated the same way. You’ve held everyone at arm’s length.”

Chris was quiet, thinking about Scott’s answer. Scott continued to talk; he’d opened his own laptop and was Googling from his apartment in LA, offering suggestions and reading menus out loud while Chris did the same.

He didn’t hear the knock the first time over Scott’s ranting about not being invited to Prague and therefore not being there to help Chris win Y/N back.

At the sound of the second knock, Chris froze and went silent. “Shut up,” he told his brother, refusing to move from the desk… he refused to believe it was real. No one was knocking at 10 pm.

A heavy sigh on the other side of the door made Chris’s gaze yank quickly away from his computer screen and to the crack between the carpet and the door: a shadow.

The shadow shuffled and he heard a quiet, “this is stupid,” before it disappeared.

Chris launched out of the desk chair and across the room, dropping his phone on the desk with his brother’s shouting, “WHAT IS HAPPENING,” into the earpiece. Chris yanked open the door and charged into the hallway.

She was retreating to her room, clad in all pink, her hair piled on her head, and in just socks.

Chris had enough forethought to pull the latch through the door to keep it from locking behind him and he took three large steps to come face-to-face with Y/N.

“I couldn't wait until morning,” she said quietly, her hands twisting in front of her.

He grabbed her hands to still them, pulling them around his neck and dipped his lips to kiss her.

Taglist: @bellaireland1981 @before-we-get-started @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @elrw24 @maylaysia109 @royalwritersoftheuniversesverses