#it all just leads to a dead end. theres nothing im working towards anymore and i have no motivation to do anything and im so stressed out

[chiritori]

im so scared im not going to pass my classes this semester

[cs-discourse]

hey. this is jimin. im sick of watching all this shit with demien being said without saying anything so im just saying something now. im sick of it lol- note, im not defending her. and i know this is kinda dead and out of no where but im just adding my side. ( for context, demien = hosh. ) demien has hurt me plenty of times whether she knows it or not. making me feel guilty for dating oliver, adding so much stress to me telling me "im in love with you still" when im ranting and scared. leaving me on read for eight hours straight when i really needed someone there for me, and thats just recent things.

ive known her for two years and ill let you know at first nothing seems wrong. but i got close to her and it hurt me.

getting left on read for eight hours after not knowing how to respond to her question even though im hurting is the worst. promising to be my friend forever and never leaving my side but the moment me and ryan started dating she became distant and would ghost me for hours. even when i was feeling suicidal and at the lowest times of my life.

also adding onto the fact she was extremely upset with me for getting in a relationship with him and expressed it on multiple accords. i dont think telling me that "im in love with you" everytime im ranting or upset is a good or helpful thing, either. if anything it caused a lot more stress for me.

and thats just recently.

before she's made me feel invalidated and worthless even when she hasn't meant to. multiple times ive ranted to her and shes only responded with "at least this and this which have happened to me didnt happen to you :D" and that only continued to make me feel terrible. i have extreme separation anxiety, and sometimes when we were extremely close she would disappear for more than 12 hours on end without giving any explanation or heads up before which left me in shambles and completely destroyed me. and a lot of the times she came back to me first thing ranting. and me being so upset and distraught she was gone? responded to everything without hesitation. which lead to her disappearing once more.

that may not have happened recently or a lot, but the few times it did happen to me it was hurtful and caused more trust issues with me than it should have.

and i know she'd had moments clashing with artkins. hosh took a gif of artie that she worked hard on and thats what started all of it. hosh continued to do the things artkins constantly confronted her and asked her to stop aswell- which caused a lot more problems that could have been so easily avoided. idk why the gif didnt get changed and the entire situation could have been avoided but who am i say to anything about that- i wasnt involved other than just sitting on the sidelines.

involving a lot of things with demien i have a lot more i could go in with and most of the time she never knew she was doing these things to me. she always hurt me without even thinking. with the comments i told her i disliked but she continued to do- calling me woman when i told her i hated it, etc. she may have stopped but those type of things never stop haunting you or hurting you. theres plenty of things shes said to me or said about me in her supposed "sad channel" on discord that she may have apologized for or didnt even know upset me- but that type of thing doesnt change anything.

also to note i dont know if she still does but for a while she didnt respect my pronouns. i came out to her asking not to be called woman, and i remember pretty vividly not even a week later she called me one once more. and that type of thing stings. i dont know if she still does, i dont know any of it anymore. but it really took her a while to even just respect a simple request like that. im not going into everything because im not comfortable with it and im not trying to cause any hatred towards demien or any of her friends. but i had to share my experiences there too, even if this is TMI or not. if you want or feel like you need more? contact me on discord and we can probably talk or something. but please dont push my limits lol

my tags shrimp#0420. thank you.

[kyohiba]

snow white + prince cursing. jiang cheng and wen ning fix it post canon au

WEN NING TAKING A BLOW TO THE CHEST FOR JIN LING N JC TAKING AN ARROWN TO THE HEART FOR WEN NING LMAO

ssyifpfff🌙 i dig it, havent thot much of it tho

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 but the idea of wen ning trailing behing sizhui and jc trailing behing jin ling n thm meeting while they keep their respective babies safe os *kisses filgers* DOLCE

May 16 i feel like a whole 4th eye of mine opened to that... but my mind probably wont be able to focus much. i hate how i can only hyperfixate in one or two ships at time

ISNT IT SO DOLCE? FORTÍSSIMO!

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng's hostility decreasing as they kept meeting...

yeeting patriarch perhaps wn and jc could get my ass more than jc with huaisang !?

but nothing will ever get ur ass more thn jc/happiness will it

jiang cheng n huaisang is v Aesthethic bc huaisang is a pretty pretty hoe

ssyifpfff🌙 bUT W WEN NING THERES A LOT OF ANGST

May 16 jc + happiness is all that matters

but... the sweet angst road of wn and jc...

yeeting patriarch IT CAN AND IT WILL LEAD TO HAPPINESS !?

and yea the Appeal of jc ano nhs is that huaisang is Very Pretty plus his scheming charm. but we arent given much canon background to work on this. not that it matters, lord knows we built the content when we really want to make anything

but The Flavor, of the canon background content for jc and wn Is There And It's Stronf

yeeting patriarch nevermind what i said im already ass deep into it. i love both jc and wn way too much, the appeal got me immediately

ssyifpfff🌙 ALSO BC WUXIAN DITCHED BOTH OF THEM FOR THT WANGJI D LMAO

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 them bonding over how dumb wuxian would act "he would float in the water n pretend he drowned" "yea he told a-yuan he needed to be buried in order to grow big n tall like a raddish" they look at each other n want to laugh but jc doenst know if hes comfortable enough for tht n wn doenst know if hes allowed to

May 16 yeeting patriarch REPRESSED DUMB BABIES LAUGH TO UR HEARTS CONTENTS TOGETHER :(((((

but oh god, the way jiang cheng is,

their road would be So Long

yeeting patriarch another slow burn, uh...

and then so much confusion and conflicted angsty feelings along the way when everything is better because jc was almost forgetting that..........wen ning is dead :) hes a corpse. what future awaits them. this is terrifying

yeeting patriarch ...why cant i have anything nice and just soft. i need to throw angst in or i die?

ssyifpfff🌙 its awful its a terrible idea to ship tht what r u doin

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 but wen ning being a pure boy, dogs would love him, dogs would gather around him bc he has a Good Aura, n jianc cheng just observes from afar thinkin How can he be so approachable whn hes a fierce corpse

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 like it would have to start w jc thinkin wen ning is less thn a human u understand

May 16 yeeting patriarch

ssyifpfff🌙 SAJGDASDF

May 16 IM CRYING imagine one day jiang cheng finds wen ning, on the floor, on top of him there are like four different dogs all swaying their tails all that hyper bullshit dogs do.

the incident repeats quite a few times

yeeting patriarch jc notices dogs are drawn to wen ning?

ssyifpfff🌙 he notices MAYBE?? hes not a dangerous zombie after all???

May 16 he lets it slip and asks how wuxian reacted to it

as wwx is terrified of dogs

and wen ning is like. where we... spent most of our time... there were no dogs

(awkward silence timel

ah. ruined it again.

okay 2 take

when they're on those night hunts, wen ning + sizhui & jiang cheng + jin ling

fairy starts being Too Friendly towards wen ning

both jiang cheng and jin ling were initially taken aback by it

yeeting patriarch but as the time goes on... it Softens their heart

ssyifpfff🌙 iT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE BC FAIRY IS A SPIRITUAL DOG N IT WOULDNT NVR BE FRIENDLY TO AN EVIL GHOUL SO IT RLY MAKES THM SEE THT WEN NING ISNT A BAD GUY

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 also take 2 on tht dog thing, wen ning is like "ah wei wuxian made me chase any dogs away, i quite like dogs but i had to" to remind jc of the puppies he had to give away bc of wwx lmao :)

May 16 yeeting patriarch THEY START REALIZING WEN NING IS THE PUREST ANGEL... and opening up, in their tsun ways, with him

yeeting patriarch i like how the canon wen ning art is him with a ginger cat, but for the sake of jiangning we made him a dog person

i honestly picture him being the snow white os mdzs, just all animals gathering around him

bird perching on his shoulders, deer eating from his hands. jiang cheng confused af

hes Prince Not Charming

ssyifpfff🌙 Prince Cursing, if u will

May 16 yeeting patriarch WEN NING SNOW WHITE OF MDZS AND HIS PRINCE CURSING JIANG CHENG IM YELLINGGFFKDJSKSK

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng going thru the trees and shit then he finds wen ning all surrounded by all animals cutely around him, the birds singing, some squirrels on the top of his head, a butterfly kissing his nose and suddenly the scene seem to have 💖Sparkles 💖 around. jiang cheng is like *rubs his eye and looks again* What

ssyifpfff🌙 "hey you... you have some animals on you" n wen ning was just super still he only focuses on jc "Oh yes. they do this sometimes. its ok i enjoy it"

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 "everytime i wake up theres a few little ones on me, they must think im a rock or something" jiang cheng, internally, seein all the animals: CLEARLY THEY ENJOY IT TOO???

May 16 yeeting patriarch JIANG CHENG MACHINE BROKE

ssyifpfff🌙 MEAN JIANG CHENG.EXE STOPPED WORKING

May 16 PRECISELY HENSKLDGSKLS

i would like the idea of, somewhere farther into the future,

some cultivator bitch being mean to wen ning and by instinct jiang cheng ends up standing for wen 5

wen ning*

but then hes a sect leader and...

yknow how it wouldnt work

yeeting patriarch BUT A NYARI CAN DREAM!?

THEY CAN AT LEAST BE ... LIKE.... PHILTATOS

ssyifpfff🌙 MOST BELOVED

May 17 jiang cheng has responsibilities but thEY CAN BE LIKE YOU KNOW.... CASUAL

ssyifpfff🌙 they dont gotta marry. not every couple can be wangxian

May 17 PHILTATOSSSSSSSS

tbh im all in for casual couples too

yeeting patriarch not everyone needs or can have Marriage

hmmmmmm the more jc starts seeing The Light in wn, when they're at the middle of the road,

yeeting patriarch more tangled his emotions get?

he was supposed to LOATHE wen ning but then he sees what happened wasnt wen nings fault. hes angry, who to blame then? wuxian! but it also isnt entirely wwx's fault he lost the control, the dark cultivation is a dangerous path after all... and wwx had a lot on his shoulders... and most of all: it was the only path he could follow without his golden core :) the very golden core that now resides inside jc. who should he blame? who should he hate?? Himself???

yeeting patriarch goddammit can i stop with the suffering

me: snow white au hehe you, chaotic bastard: what if jiang cheng hated himself lmao

i hate specifically tht iT MAKES SENSE

ssyifpfff🌙 HE SPENT. OVER A DECADE BLAMING WEN NING N WUXIAN N TO REALIZE HE WAS WRONG, HE WASTED ALL THOSE YEARS. WHOS HE GONNA TURN THT HATE TOWARD??? HIMSELF OFC!!!!! OF COURSE!!!!!!1

May 17 HOLD UP THAT I GRAB BOTH OF US TO JUMP INTO THE HELL HOLE BUT I CAN ALSO SAVE US

listen up,

one day all those feelings that keep growing and bottling up inside jc overflow and he explodes in yelling and tears and etc

wen ning, whom was with him, witness all that

yeeting patriarch and tries to soothe his state of mind

yeeting patriarch telling him that it's no one's fault. none of them couldve known what would happen. all sides had their good intentions here and there, but unfortunately fates can twist it in a way they never expected

BUT THEN jc returns with an "then why do u look like u blame yourself as well?" BECAUSE WEN NING DOES

yeeting patriarch sorry apparently the half brain cell i have working, only does suffering hours

"THEN WHY DO U BLAME URSELF"

nyari u sAID U COULD SAVE US

ssyifpfff🌙 wen ning is like "..............." jiang cheng: i know it wasnt anyones fault but then what am i supposed to feel? who am i supposed to hate??"

May 17 yeeting patriarch IM LAUGHINGS O MUCH IM NOT BRSTJINENSKS

wen ning is like No one. there isnt any1 to blame anymore

ssyifpfff🌙 im franctically tryin to make it bETTER NYARI LEND ME A HAND DAM IT

May 17

MY THROAT HURTS IM TOO BROKE LIKE (MANIC LAUGHTER)

yeeting patriarch okay lemme get myself back together and try to offer some fix it

yeeting patriarch me: *shaking, weakly offering a tiny ass pink hello kitty band aid* This Will Fix Everything (the hell hole im offering the band aid for is like 17cm)

yeeting patriarch wen ning goes confident mode again and says that he cant help it as much jc and wwx, all of them will feel guilty no matter what anyone says. they tried their best but it backfired and they will need, they have to, learn how to live in terms with it. not forgetting, but still forgiving themselves and each other

wen ning obv has the wisdom of some1 who has died, seen death, been death, and come back to life

he has an appreciation for the little things no others would have

if any1 could emotionally guide jc it wOULD BE HIM1!

ssyifpfff🌙 "i have regrets too, but theres no choice for any of us but to live w them n learn"

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 ALSO

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 i think wen nings sensibility woULD BE SO GOOD FOR JC, hes always tense he needs a break of him just being so still tht birds can perch on his shoulders

May 17

WEN NINGGGGGGGGG

yeeting patriarch he'll literally become jc's heaven sent angel... his solace and calm

like, after that breakdown and the things wen ning said

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng actually does feel... Lighter

wen ning boutta be jiang chengs therapist

ssyifpfff🌙 its what he needs

May 17 but as jiang cheng starts dealing better with his internal demons

he starts seeing more too that wen ning isnt only light

wen ning carries his pain too, inevitably

and jc starts to help wn as well

yeeting patriarch each other's company start being the healing they needed?

woke

ssyifpfff🌙 jiang cheng teached wn confidence and wen ning teaches jiang cheng stillness and softness

May 17 i teared up here

after The Wen Ning Effect, and jiang cheng softening. people of his sect start to be... less afraid of him? AND BETTER, the respect level only grows!

jiang cheng realizing there is strength in softness too

that to be tender doesnt mean to be weak

of course his actions arent Oh, Super Obvious as he is a tsun

yeeting patriarch but u can feel The Difference on his aura

YOU HAVE TO BE SOFT TO BE STRONG JIANG CHENG

ASKJDAJSDGF

ssyifpfff🌙 I KNOW THAT WHEN LOVE IS LOST..............

May 17 yeeting patriarch I LOVE HOW IN SYNC WE ARE MY MIND ALSO WENT SOFT TO BE STRONF .MP3

ssyifpfff🌙 WE'VE KNOWN IT ALL ALONG THE TRUTH IS............ YOU HAVE TO BE S

May 17 yeeting patriarch ME, ON THE FLOOR, SOBBING, SINGING ALONF,

ssyifpfff🌙 EXTREME MOOD RN

May 17 yeeting patriarch we did done it again and again... i cannot believe it

honestly if the ppl in his sect see tht jc has the ghost general over for tea they'd be like Wow sect leader cheng rly is amazing

ssyifpfff🌙 hes so fearless

May 17 im tearing up again

HMMMMMMMMM his relationship with wen ning also being a bridge for some fixing for his relationship with wuxian...........

takes so much time and it's slow

but

after he took it all in, and especially wen nings words that he shouldn't forget to forgive, and has to live with it

he starts Understanding the events. that is was inevitable. and that the anger would not help nor be good for any of them

yeeting patriarch that for the ones around them (like jin ling) they need to... overcome it

*sobbing* wen ning even helping him to overcome his inferiority complex !?

yeeting patriarch making jc see that this and this sides of him are greater and make up for this and this other ones. that he, too, was of vital importance on here and there

tht the ppl around him look up to him, tht they dont compare him to wuxian, tht the strenght he has shown isnt just coming from his golden core but from his choices as well

from his leadership

also jiang cheng realizing yanli wouldnt want him to hate

ssyifpfff🌙 the worst part abt yanlis death is tht we dont ever hear her last words

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 she doesnt get to finish sayin thm, we dont know what she was gonna say to wuxian n i firmly believe tht if she has finished n she had said she didint blame him, thn jiang cheng wouldnt have been as hung up on hate as he was

May 17 yeeting patriarch

yeeting patriarch tbh yanli... she just Understood more. faster than the two dense dumbasses

SHE WAS SO BRIGHT

AND MATURE

ssyifpfff🌙 I MISS HER EVERYDAY

May 17 and it's like. Obvious she wouldnt want them to be that way. she would want them to understand the terms of the situation and overcome it TOGETHER

IM SO SAD SHE DESERVED BETTER :(((

but after jiang cheng learns how to deals with his demons,

and most important of all: Grows (emotionally)

he starts seeing things a bit more like his sister would

yeeting patriarch WWYLD (What Would YanLi Do)

yeeting patriarch hmm now what's left is his daddy issues

WWYLD!!!!!

sadasdfsf the fuck jiang dad

ssyifpfff🌙 can u believ wen ning is jiang chengs love+fear era

May 17 hmmmmmmmm let's say that as he watches himself raise jin ling he starts to understand his dad couldn't be easy on him. and that he Had To be softer on wwx's for his situations

i cant go deeper on this one because his dad messed up

yeeting patriarch but let's say that was really the case,

ssyifpfff🌙 yes theres no excuse for his dad, he had a soft spot for wwx n his favoritism showed

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 its more like, its important for jc to Know it doesnt matter, he grew up to be a good leader n tht proved his dad wrong

May 17 IT'S HARD TO FIND A SITUATION OUT OF HIS DAD REASONS he messed up

BUT!!! YES!!!!!!!

learn to let go of those feelings towards his dad

yeeting patriarch and the day it finally fully clicked inside him that he became an amazing sect leader, he proved it

it's also important that he could realize having wwx golden core inside him means as if wwx really kept his promise

he stayed by his side

yeeting patriarch a very important piece of wwx will always be with him

[outsiderempire]

i swear. all my mood does now is fluctuate between intense rage and complete apathy. i’ll get super worked up over something, be it big or small, to the point that i just want to beat the shit out of something or stab myself or something just to be able to take my anger out on something. then all of a sudden itll all just completely disappear and im just left feeling empty and cold. nothing will spark my interest until i come out of it. i just sit, not thinking or feeling, until it finally passes. but it happens so frequently, like multiple times a day every fucking day and i cant even pretend to be normal sometimes. it just becomes so hard to do that. i become so fucking heartless about everything around me no matter what it is and sometimes i want to tear everything to shreds, destroy it all. idk why. feeling content or happy has become rare for me. i hate when i get into these apathetic moods because i cant bring myself to do anything during them. so i spend a lot of time each day just not being able to communicate, not being able to do the things i like to do. i just put some music on so i have something i can pay somewhat attention to but thats it. i dont even think, just listen to music.

im so conflicted about who i am and how quickly i keep changing, and not for the better either. i just keep getting worse and worse. sometimes i want to be a better person, sometimes i wish that i could relate to people more and feel more comfortable being social and all that. other times its the complete opposite end of the spectrum and i just want to spend the rest of my life alone, and i dont care if i can relate to people or not, and instead of wanting to be a good person i just want to be someone’s worst fucking nightmare because my natural instinct when im feeling bad is to want to make someone else feel how im feeling. the fucked up thing is it makes me feel good sometimes when that happens too. thats why i spend so much time interested in a lot of crime shows and stuff because learning the stories of these people who suffered so miserably makes me forget about my own suffering and instead of feeling sympathy for them, i either feel nothing at all, sometimes i feel happy (or a feeling similar to that), and other times i feel condescending towards them. a lot of the time i feel condescending. 

i say i dont know what to do anymore and the answer is pretty obvious but i feel like a larger part of me is content being the way that i am that i see no reason to change, or rarely do. and being this way presents a lot of challenges for me and sometimes leads to making my life hell, and despite that im still okay with it. because part of me also feels like when those things happen to me, that i deserve it so again theres no reason to change. i go back and forth with it often and usually it ends up coming down to my apathy and the fact that i just dont care to change or do anything about it. because thats requires a lot of fucking effort and honestly nothing good would come out of it in the long run. maybe temporarily until i break under the strain and pressure of faking my entire life just to please everyone else around me. im already dealing with enough shit that i dont need something like that happening. 

i dont know what i want. besides a job and money and getting everything i deserve to have. i know something i do really want tho and thats just to know like whats wrong with me? what is making me this way? why cant i relate to others? why cant i differentiate between right and wrong? why cant i be a genuine hyper-empathetic nice person? why am i just this shitty asshole who cant feel anything other than blinding rage? why do i feel so fucking entitled to everything and why do i have to be better than everyone all the time? why do i feel the need to inflict pain on others or get pleasure from their suffering in order to forget about my own? and why cant i stop being this way? 

i dont know. i want to know the answers to all these questions but i dont see myself getting them because i dont want help and i dont need it. im mostly curious really. some of this may sound like a cry for help sort of thing but its really not. i ask myself these questions because i just want to know the answers. i want to know what it was that caused me to become this kind of person. and why has it just continued to get worse, you know?

like i dealt with some of this stuff back in high school here and there but not nearly as often as i do now and a lot of things have happened since then so i have no idea what could really be the reason.

i think the thing that sucks the most about it is just how much of it i have to hide all the time from everyone. because there is still part of me who wants to genuinely be a good person and wants to be able to help others and stuff and i have my moments where i can feel sympathy so its not like im completely heartless but to be able to still be good means i have to hide a lot of things. not really for anyones safety or anything like that but more because if i let myself express how i truly feel then i would delude myself into thinking thats a perfectly acceptable way to be all the time when its not and it would probably ruin my life tbh. but then again maybe that would be what i deserved for being this way in the first place idk. 

i just wonder if this will get any worse from here on out and i kind of hope it doesnt honestly. i have enough self control to keep me from going down any awful paths. i still have ambitions and goals i want to reach in my lifetime and i have a whole little plan in my head of how i want my life to play out and its good, its positive, and i think even being the way i am i can live a positive life as long as i keep myself in check and i can reach some of these goals i have set. i think what makes things worse is when i have a goal in mind and it doesnt work out. i get extremely frustrated and the more frustrated i get the more it continues to fuel my anger and it becomes a lot easier to set me off. but im naturally a goal oriented person. i like to set a goal and a time frame and i like to be able to reach that goal in that time frame. when i dont i basically feel like ive completely failed at life and that id honestly be better off dead because i cant seem to do anything right. also that would mean i wouldnt have to face anymore failures or mistakes. i know these things happen to everyone its just part of life, but the side of me that wants to do everything right and be absolutely perfect does not listen to that. it’s either i do this right or im a complete and utter failure there’s no in between and that leads to a lot of frustration especially when its related to things out of my control. 

i just kinda feel like the worse my anger becomes over time the less purpose i have in my life. because being an angry person all the time is really fucking exhausting and creates so many problems and anger is one of the hardest things to control. someone telling me “just dont get angry” even over something minuscule doesnt help. in fact it makes me angrier because someone is telling me what to do and i dont like people telling me what to do. on the other hand i also do not like that my anger has so much control over me. i dont like that one bit. i want to be in control here. if i start to feel irritation towards something i want to be able to take a step back and not let that thing have any control over me. because im better than that, im superior to that and it has no right whatsoever thinking it can have an influence over me. 

its funny tho because one of the things that i see often when im looking into this stuff about how to control one’s anger is the advice to “eliminate the source of your anger,” but please tell me how im to eliminate the source of my anger when everything makes me angry? it goes a lot deeper than there being just one or two things that make me angry and i just dont know how to approach that. again it requires too much effort and most of the time i dont care enough to try to do anything about it. 

im done seeking advice about shit. ive tried and you know what i got in return for that? sources upon sources telling me that im a monster, that im a toxic person, that im abusive, that what im feeling and what im going through doesnt matter or isnt important, that i should be “dealt with” and how people can “avoid people like me,” or “get back at people like me.” thats the advice ive been given. obviously not advice geared towards helping myself, more for helping others who dont have to live with what i live with and thats kind of fucked up. so if thats what i am then fine, i guess im a monster, i guess i cant ever change, i guess if my only option is to live with myself for what i “really am” then i suppose thats what i should do, right? and while im at it why dont i take it further and see just how much worse i can become because theres no positive place for me in this world. if i cant change parts of who i am then im doomed to be excluded forever. 

thats the kind of thinking i deal with a lot and why i gave up seeking advice. because honestly its all bullshit. sometimes i let it get to me too much and thats when i start thinking irrationally, believing i should become the worst person that i can because theres nothing good waiting for me. and that thinking is what makes people do terrible things and act out and ruin their lives. funnily enough that thinking doesnt intrinsically come from the people struggling with these problems, it comes from the people who dont like these people who are struggling and can only see the negative aspects which lead to them painting these people as monsters, as subhuman. you start to believe it yourself when youre told it often enough.

idk where im going with this anymore. i just wanted to put my thoughts out there somewhere and let them kind of roam freely i suppose. i dont want anyone to think that these rants i go on are directed towards one thing specifically tho. theyre not. literally i just sat down and did this because i completely got over my anger about the job stuff and wanted to just write how i was feeling. it happens randomly and if i dont get it out it makes things worse. 

but i dont want a response to this. thats not why i write these things. i dont care if people read them or not, i just want to write it out where people can see what im feeling if they so choose but i dont want to talk about it. that never helps either. i dont want advice im done with it. i just want to leave this here for however long i wish to leave it up and go on and find something else to do while i wait to get over this apathy again.