#i just dont know how to fix this. i dont know how to dig myself out of this hole

[nomairuins]

i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

[whispering-kavka]

man i actually envy the people who get so completely obsessed with their thing

[cherrieguroo]

i feel left out :( <- has barely said shit

[chiritori]

im so scared im not going to pass my classes this semester

[bunnyscrypt]

fight fire with fire.

when i said you don’t take any of rafe’s shit i meant it

pairing: dark!crybaby!rafe cameron x reader

synopsis: your boyfriend accuses you of flirting with someone at a party causing an argument to ensue. what happens when he snaps and you snap back..

warnings: slight domestic violence (reader hits his ass back), swearing, dark!reader (kinda? sorta?) dark!crybaby!rafe but lets be real……thats just rafe lmao

a/n: the synopsis isn’t the best i’m sorry, my brain malfunctioned. this idea has been eating at me and i’ve changed the scenario like 3 times. the ending wasn’t what i planned originally but i hope you enjoy! pls comment, reblog, like! feedback is always appreciated <33

“bet you won’t disrespect me like that again, hmm?”

you held your breath, hand pressed against your cheek. the stinging in your face and the throbbing in your throat from his where his grip had been confirming what you already knew. brain going a mile a minute as your kept your gaze on the ground and that infuriated rafe even more.

grabbing both sides of your face to force your attention back to him. 

“hmm?! don’t- dont you ever raise you voice at me like that again. don’t you ever fix your lips to fucking swear at me like that.” he sneered, shaking you violently causing you to squeeze your eyes shut. “do i make myself clear?” 

“look at me when i’m talking to you!” you snap them open— wide eyes staring into his. “now i asked you a question. do i make myself clear?” 

he removes his hands from your face when you let out a yes. nodding his head, stepping back to run a hand across his mouth with a huff. 

all this because someone had flirted with you at a house party. rafe didn’t like how another guy, a pogue at that, had the nerve to walk up and talk to you. he especially didn’t like that you “entertained” him. you weren’t, you were making nice, friendly conversation while you got a drink. but rafe didn’t see that, he saw you smiling at another dude that wasn’t him and already planted the idea in his head that you wanted that "dirty pogues" attention instead of his. 

so he charged over to you and dragged you to his truck, no words spoken. ignoring all your concerned questions. 

when you got home is when he snapped. chastising you for flirting with someone else. pacing back and forth, voice getting loud. “the fuck is wrong with you? flirting with that pogue. humiliating me like that.” confused and hurt is all you felt as he accused you of wanting someone else so you defended yourself. he wasn’t hearing any of it tho. so your voice raised a bit, wanting to get it thru to him but to rafe it was af it you screamed at him. saying how this is ridiculous and “you’re being a fucking asshole.” 

that was the last thing you got out before his hand was on your throat and your head whipped violently to the side. 

you let out a shaky breath as you stare at him with wrath that was hidden by faux fear. 

he looks back at you, letting out a long sigh. “look baby..” voice now calm, and quiet as he walked back into your space. “listen i- i know i shouldn’t take my anger out on you like that, okay. but… you- you can’t talk back to me like that, a’ight. i know you can be a good girl, you just need a little discipline s’all.” he eyed you, focusing at your cheek. “cause cussing at me like? tsk, you’ll have bigger problems than a little sl-“ 

he wasn’t able to get out the rest of his words before you delivered a swift slap to his face. catching him off guard causing his head to whip to the side. he recovers quickly, looking back at you with a look that would make anyone else cower in a corner and tremble but before he can retaliate you strike him again. your nails scratching him in the mix making him step back with a hiss— pressing a hand to his cheek he pulls it back it to see his fingers stained crimson. three cuts adorning his face. eyes filled with tears.

your quick to walk up to him, grabbing his jaw tight. nails pressing into his skin— digging deeper when he grabs your wrist. 

“don’t…” you start, licking your lips. “don’t you ever…. lay your hands on me like that again.” you spoke lowly, bringing his face closer to yours. eyes locked on his tear filled ones. “i will fucking bury you, you understand me?” you shake his head bit, making him wince from your nails going deeper. "let g-" you squeeze his lips together. “don’t think that just because i love you i won’t throw back what you give me times 10.” you other hand wipes a tear that falls from his eye. “my love, i’d do anything for you but..” your eyes narrow. “hit me again and you’ll have bigger problems than a couple of claw marks. do i make myself clear?” you mock and don’t let go until he croaks out “okay” releasing his face with a little shove. blood seeping through the indents from your grip. you ignore the whimper he lets out and head towards the bathroom. “sit on the couch” not checking to make sure he does. you know he will. 

coming back with the first aid kit, you sit on his lap and begin cleaning his cuts in silence. thumb softly rubbing against his cheek when he lets out a hiss from the alcohol. placing a bandage on the cuts, you place a kiss on top. 

“baby look at me”

he lifts his eyes to meet yours— red from irritation making you frown, leaning forward to press a kiss to his eyelids. he sighs softly, arms wrapping around your waist, pulling you closer. you comb your fingers through his hair, feeling his grip tighten. “we okay?” he bites his bottom lip, hand reaching up to caress the cheek he made contact with. you close your eyes with a soft sigh. feeling his lips press to your skin, he mutters against it, “yeah. we’re okay”. it's quiet for a while before he breaks it. "i- i'm gonna get my shit together, ya know. 'm gonna do better. be a better man for you. i promise. i j... you- don't leave me a'ight." his eyes start to well up with tears again. "please- you can't- just don't leave, okay. you.. you gotta see." repeatedly pointing to his chest as his voice cracks. "gonna show you how 'm a be someone you deserve. you just gotta stick with me baby. i promise. i promise you."

you grab his hand, pressing kisses to his knuckles to quiet his babbles. "hey. hey." his body jolted from your voice snapping a bit but he still uttered on causing you to sigh and grab his throat. tight. forcing his head up to pay attention to you. he sniffed loudly, wide eyes staring back in to yours. “i love you, you know that, yeah?” he nodded his head. “okay.” you circled your thumb softly over his skin, a show of affection. “show me then”

you leaned your forehead against his. "and don’t try that shit again."

[hydrobunny]

 jump then fall (into me)

tags: fluff, established relationship, insecure reader, comfort, reo reo reo reo reo reo, lots of dialogue actually, they're drinking age, listen to jump then fall !! word count: 1.2k

“do you ever regret us?”

reo mikage jolts from his seat at his computer. the expression he fixes you with as he turns around is almost comical, all wide eyes and horror.

you can’t find it in yourself to laugh.

“what?”

you shift nervously. the satin sheets underneath you bunch awkwardly. “you know. getting together- staying together.”

he rises immediately, emails left for a later time. “what happened.” the words themselves should be a question, but his stiff tone doesn’t make it one.

you sigh, falling back on to the bed. although it’s only been two nights since the two of you checked in to this particular hotel, the bed already smells of reo’s expensive shampoo. “i dont know. sometimes i feel like i’m holding you back.”

his weight sinks into the mattress. “how the hell would you hold me back?”

you drag your hands over your face. “you’re just- you’re so you. heir to billions of yen, future ceo, hotshot football player, and you’re just barely in your twenties. shouldn’t you be out there in the wild getting into scandals every week? but you’re always just... here.”

“y/n.” even through tightly shut eyes, you can feel reo’s intense gaze on you. “is this really because you think i want to be out there making a fool of myself?” his hand gently brushes over your hair. “also, why would i get into scandals when i have you?”

you roll away with a groan. “it's not that. just- shouldn't you have had more relationships than just me? you know, all the first meetings and awkward flirting and shit.  you were popular as all hell in high school, but somehow you’re still with me? isn’t it boring?”

his hand freezes, and you feel a small inkling of guilt bleed through your heart.

after a long moment, reo rises from the bed without another word. He grabs his jacket from the chair as he pads out of the room, away from you.

you shove a pillow over your face and fight the urge to scream, sigh in relief, suffocate yourself, anything.

twenty minutes later, when you’ve reached a point of contemplating if those roses in the hotel vase are fake- (they’re in water, but you swear they smell exactly like those essential oils in scented candles)- your phone vibrates from its place on the desk.

you reluctantly lift yourself up, sliding your feet into your waiting fluffy slippers. reo’s computer is still turned on from before he left, some fancy computer program steadily running. you spot a hint of a message thread with nagi before you tear your eyes away.

the notification is from your messages, from none other than reo 🦎💜 himself.

the message itself is pretty short, unlike the usually wordy messages reo sends you consistently throughout the day.

come down to hotel bar. look nice

it takes you some time to actually comprehend the message, more than a few seconds spent blinking at it blankly.

and then you’re immediately digging into your suitcase for anything considered “nice.” honestly, did reo expect you to be able to procure outfits without any hint of the dress code? was he expecting family dinner or clubbing?

and what the hell was even with this request anyway? you were pretty sure your boyfriend had a business meeting in barely forty minutes, and it’s not like you two had ended your conversation on good terms.

either way, you settle on something in between wholesome and provocative, a pretty flattering cocktail dress you hadn’t really even planned on bringing. after a moment of contemplation, you leave your hair down, sliding in a pair of glittering earrings.

honestly, you weren’t even sure why you were trying so hard.

but when you arrive at the bar some minutes later, reo isn’t there. in fact, there’s no one there except for a stiff bartender slowly wiping down a glass. you hesitate from your place by the doorway, shooting off a here. dont see you? message.

he leaves you on read.

it takes you another six minutes of disbelief before you finally walk into the bar, and then it’s a short two minutes of fuming before you call for your first drink.

throughout it all, you see no hint of anyone; no reo, no drunk couples, no rich guests, no one. it would actually be kind of creepy if you had it in yourself to look around or care, but you really don’t.

ten minutes later, it’s when you’re nursing your second drink of the night ( a daiquiri that honestly is not getting you drunk fast enough ) that you hear another human voice.

“haven’t seen you before, pretty. can i pay for that drink?”

your mood immediately plummets as you turn with a scowl, ready to tell whoever it is enough curses to- oh.

reo smirks at you, flashing his card towards the bartender. you stare at him in disbelief. he’s in a completely new outfit from when you saw him last, something that is definitely not appropriate for his upcoming meeting. he has a leather jacket on, for gods’ sake!

“what the fuck are you doing?” you manage to say, realizing that you’re supposed to be mad at him. “do you realize how long i’ve been waiting?”

he pointedly doesn’t respond. “another round please, for me and the lonely lady!” he says before turning back to you. “so. what brings a girl like you here?”

you literally have no idea what he’s doing. you open your mouth to respond - with what, you couldn’t say- but then reo winks at you, quick enough that you barely notice.

the words fall out of your mouth without you even realizing. “what’s it to you?”

he hums, looking you up and down. “is it wrong to want to comfort a clearly sad stranger? come on, spill out all your secrets.”

you fight the urge to smile. “well, if you say it like that…i guess i’m trying to heal my broken heart.”

he responds a beat too late. “really? what idiot broke your heart?”

“no, i was the idiot,” you sigh, looking back towards your glass. “i was a bitch for no reason. got too caught up in my head, you know?”

his hands fly to yours. “i do know. and i’m sure your idiot knows as well. in fact, if i was the guy in question, i would have told you that nothing you can do would hurt me. that any time spent with you is infinitely better than time spent with any other women.”

you meet his eyes and smile. “and if you happened to be that guy, i would probably kiss you right then and there.”

reo swallows, hard. “yeah?”

you lean toward him. “too bad you’re not him.” you stand from your seat, grinning at how your boyfriend sputters instantly, almost knocking over his cup.

your shoes click clack a rhythmic beat onto the hotel floor as you head back toward the elevator.

seconds later, reo’s familiar form bumps into you, arm linking around your waist.

“i think that was first date was awkward enough, yeah?” he says breathlessly.

you lean further into him. “it was perfect. but i think i prefer my boyfriend.”

“good thing you’re looking at him. which means..”

you laugh, stopping. “which means this.”

you tiptoe upward and finally kiss reo. he tastes like watermelon chapstick and expensive rum.

// bonus//

“hey, reo?”

“yes?”

“did you rent out that entire bar so we would be alone?”

his silence is response enough.

I loveee reblogs and comments !! <33

[agirlwithglam]

how to develop self love and confidence

— a step by step guide by yours truly ♥

disclaimer!! for some people it can take a lot longer to love themselves than others, so don't be discouraged if it takes a bit longer. just remember that no matter what you think, you ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

step 1: identifying the root cause

first you need to find WHY you dont love yourself. it usually comes down to these main reasons:

society

your looks

comparison

your abilities

childhood trauma

your current situations

it can be just one or more than one, and sometimes it may not be as simple as "my looks", sometimes you may have to dig deeper.

for me, it was because i thought i was "ugly"

step 2: once you know the WHY, research about the topic and try and solve it.

here ive broken down the 6 reasons to help you a bit: (but remember that this is just a small break down, if you want you can research more about the topic & try to battle it)

society: society has tricked us into believing that loving yourself is considered 'vain' or 'narcissistic'. let me tell you right now that THAT IS NOT TRUE. loving yourself is a basic necessity that everyone should have!!

your looks: this is something i struggled with for a loong time. remember that beauty is subjective!! bob could think that travis looks 'average' but Leo could think that travis looks absolutely gorgeous!! ☆ so how did i overcome this? i actually 'glowed up'. bc the main thing i didnt like was face- my teeth to be specific. so once i got braces, my teeth aligned and i started looking so much better. ☆ other struggles: ↴ for you if it may be acne, then you could start trying to take care of your skin better. or if its body image then if you reeeeally dont like it then literally just start working out. if you have the option to yet you still dont then dont complain. but remember that ALL BODIES ARE PERFECT. ★ another thing that helped me a lot was affirmations! i listened to a bunch of affirmations -> i used this video by thewizardliz and it did wonders! (you can also search up on yt self-love/ beauty affirmations)

comparison: for most people comparison comes from social media right? the simple solution to this would be unfollow accounts that dont serve you, or delete/ set a time limit on the social media platform "but what if i compare myself to people i meet in real life?" well we can't exactly unfollow or delete these people but what we can do is turn that jealousy (yes, jealousy) into inspiration! be inspired by the people with greater lives and use that to pull yourself forward! ☆ a quote that i read once (that may or may not help you) : "do not compare your chapter 1 to someone else's chapter 50." you never know what the other person has gone through or is going through that got them to this point!

your abilities: okay theres not much i can say here except that you can learn almost everything online nowadays. stop complaining and get off your lazy butt to prove to yourself just how much potential you have! (but don't beat yourself up for being a lazy butt, im one as well) here is a link to a TON of stuff you can learn online!

childhood trauma: this is a bit of a more delicate subject which i do not know a lot on, my best suggestion would be to just go to therapy (or use an online therapy app- betterhelp). - watching thewizardliz may help as well as she might know more about the topic.

your current situation: whether its trouble with friends, at school, at work, or with family i promise you that these things do not last forever. humans were not put on earth to be unhappy and miserable! (whats the point in that?) my advice is to learn more about the topic (for ex i was struggling with being left out w friends for a while and it did hurt a bit) and see what you can do to fix it or at least make the best out of it. + another reminder that you can use the law of assumption- in basic words the law states that whatever you desire, you have. all you need to do is accept that. heres a quote i read: "if you dont like where you are,, then move. you aint a tree." this is literally YOUR life. RESPECT yourself and dont let people treat you bad because that is disrespecting yourself!

step 3: focus on yourself!!

my favourite step!!

this is your sign to stop focussing on others' lives and start focussing on your own.

when you start to focus on yourself, up level yourself and try to become your best version of yourself, you actually end up falling in love with that version of yourself, and your current version!

ask yourself: is there even something to love?

ask yourself: would you want to date or be friends with someone like you? think actually deep about this; if your answer is no, then that obviously means that there is some work to do.

if you're constantly negative and complaining and rude all the time, trust me, literally no ones gonna want to hang out with you. and then you'll adopt that 'victim mindset' of "nobody likes me and i suck". instead of doing that, why dont you try to just suck a bit less? there isn't any pressure on you to become amazing the next day, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

small things/habits to start:

gratitude

hydration

exercising

journalling

meditation

eating healthy

developing a skill

get enough sleep

take cold showers

taking care of your skin

invest in your appearance

focussing on school/ your grades

go outside! go for walks, be in nature!

changing what you consume (resources below)

some resources that helped me SO MUCH:

♡ thewizardliz

♡ tam kaur

♡ persephone's mind

and meditation! its so extremely underated but SO VALUABLE.

xoxo, vanilla

[moodr1ng]

taking further weight/fatphobia/ed/general depression vents under readmore lol

cause like i cannot express how genuinely bad the fatphobia i have against myself is. like. when i picture myself in my head, in the future, i always imagine myself as skinny, bc ive lived my entire adult (and teen) life thinking of my body as a temporary impediment which ill eventually fix. early last year i thought i finally had and was so happy and then gained all the weight back. and idk what to do about it bc i have tried so so so hard to just 'accept being fat' and as i have said again i do not understand how that is possible in this society and i have never managed to get anywhere close to that and dont know how to.

and as a result of this i have considered like. every awful awful option out there for losing weight. like, i tried to get my doctor to prescribe me diet pills. i looked into ozempic and the only reason im NOT trying to illegally get some is that its for diabetic people and it harms them to take from the limited supply. i looked into various weight loss surgeries (be it bariatric surgery, which i cant get bc im not fat enough to qualify, or liposuccion but even if i could realistically afford it i hear it doesnt work in the long run). ive starved myself so much, tried so many diets, so many sports, never managed to stay on for long enough to maintain the results. no joke, i have considered developing a heroin or coke habit EXCLUSIVELY to lose weight, and the reason im not doing that is its too expensive. i complain about my adhd meds giving me food disgust but tbh every time it happens im also relieved bc it means i wont be able to eat for a few days. idk what to do anymore bc this is ruining my life and has been ruining my life for most of it.

i literally feel so worthless, ridiculous and unloveable specifically bc of my weight, and in particular the way its disposed on my body. i would be fine having fat arms, fat thighs, i would probably dig having a fat ass and chest and hips tbh! but i store all my fat on my belly and thats the one part i dont want to be fat, as well as my face and neck. this is such a massive block for me tbh. like, when i talk to new people i always feel like theyre looking down on me or find me pathetic because im fat (and bc im short which is my other major insecurity - i feel like being tall and fat is acceptable but not being short and fat). i dont take any compliments i get at face value bc i feel like everyone is just being nice by pretending like i could EVER be good looking. the only time ive ever felt attractive since i was a young teen was when i had lost the weight last year, and i couldnt maintain that bc it was so stringent.

sometimes when i think "i might be fat for the rest of my life and never manage to maintain being thin" i contemplate suicide over it. its like, the one thing about me i can never accept. i used to have so much internalized racism as a kid/young teen but i eventually got over that and came to appreciate my non-white features and even wish i had inherited more of my mothers looks (like her hair). i used to be so insecure about not being masculine enough but today im actually more into being kind of androgynous. i used to hate everything about myself and ive gotten much better about a lot of it. i dont hate my facial features or my hands or my legs or my arms anymore. i just hate my weight. and its the one thing i cant fucking get rid of.

and like, ive tried so hard to just.. look at other people ik with similar body types who i think are super attractive and think "if theyre attractive and they look like me, surely i could be too?" but it never works no matter what. and i mean, ik outside of like, societal fatphobia, a big part of it is my ed right. like obviously as long as i have an ed that is focused on wanting to lose weight im never gonna be able to accept being fat. but i cant get help for my ed bc there are no resources. and there are no medical professionals who will help me accept being fat bc theyre also fatphobic and they only want to help me lose weight, and they cant even manage to do that.

im just extremely tired of it all. every day i wish i was skinny. i can live w all the rest. i just need to be thin. i dont even need to be bone thin or whatever i just wanna be average. and its so fucking hard for so many reasons. i can almost never cook for myself bc of The Mental Shit. if i do cook for myself its rly hard to do anything complicated so its often not very balanced or healthy. and i rely so much on fast food, takeout and frozen meals bc of this inability to cook. and then theres the emotional shit - bc ever since i was little ive binged whenever i felt anything. bored? binge. angry? binge. sad? binge. happy? binge. theres no emotional state that doesnt wanna make me binge. and the only way i can stave it off is like.. either indulge in other vices (drugs alcohol etc) or just. dip into the restriction part of the ed and start starving myself again. and ofc once it becomes unbearable.. more binging. idk. idk. im at a loss. no one can help. and theres so many things piled on top of each other that make everything impossible.

im not even just talking about the weight - i mean everything in my life is like this carefully balanced tower of cards where each bad thing supports another bad thing supporting another bad thing until it builds into this massive self-sustaining network of dysfunction.

its like. i wake up in the morning (still tired from whatever the hell is wrong w my sleep, probably didnt sleep enough or too much, either way feeling bad). my room is a mess and theres fruit flies everywhere bc of the heat and i need to clean, but bc i woke up exhausted and feeling sick i have no energy to. i go get some water and theres a pile of dishes in the sink that are getting grosser and grosser but the idea of washing them is so daunting i cant bring myself to. i need to shower, but showering is such a hard task, and then if i shower i also need to brush my teeth and take care of my hair and thats so much energy. and if i do all that, well, i havent done the laundry in like 2 weeks so i have nothing clean to wear, so if im gonna shower i should do the laundry so i dont just get clean to put on dirty clothes right. and doing the laundry and hanging the stuff to dry is also such a hard task. and then if im clean and wearing clean clothes, am i just gonna get back in my dirty bed? i also need to change the bedsheets, and i hate doing that. and if im gonna change the sheets then i probably should fucking clean the bedroom, right. and i dont have the energy to do literally any of that. so im dirty, my room is dirty, my kitchen is dirty, i feel like shit, im tired, i havent eaten anything yet. maybe a decent meal would help. but a meal means cleaning some pot and pan to cook stuff in. and then it means cleaning it again after im done cooking, and also cleaning the dishes. and fucking hell i cant do that. so i think, maybe ill go to the convenience store and get a sandwich. but that means i need to get dressed and do my hair and i probably smell bed and i cant just go out like this and im SO TIRED. so i go to order takeout. and sure i could get something fresh and healthy like a poke bowl or something, but thatll cost me like 25 bucks, and i could just get a burger and fries for 10. so i get that. and i dont feel any better, because ive been eating carbs, sugar, and some shitty processed meat near-exclusively for the past several years. and im so tired and feel so awful and so guilty and so gross, so i just start smoking and drinking. maybe if im lucky ill do some art or whatever. and thats how my day goes and then ill go to sleep in my unchanged sheets unshowered laundry undone room dirty dishes piled up. have a bunch of nightmares wake up drenched in sweat etc. and do the same thing tomorrow.

and idk how to fix any of this bc its a cycle right. like where do i start? i feel like i cant do anything bc everything is SO heavy SO tiring SO daunting and im just so exhausted. i want to sleep for 10 years. i want to be happy again. but whenever im not happy i forget how it felt to be happy. so theres nothing to look forward to. and then i think about killing myself again. and thats just how it goes.

ig thats why im so so hopeful to actually get an at-home aid who can get me to do chores and get groceries and shit bc that might actually be the one thing that breaks the cycle, cause i definitely cant do it by myself.

[tendebill]

ive got some random thoughts about my art/video making/animation progression because ive been digging through old files recently

so i took it upon myself to put together my old unfinished oc animatics from anno domini 2018 and 2019 (and maybe another one from 2021 if i feel like it) because 1) i didnt have good animation software back then 2) i didnt have a good enough laptop to edit without the programs i DID have crashing and 3) i couldnt really edit that well.

and let me tell you. the oc lore is outdated as shit, the art is abysmal, dont get my started on the composition & storytelling (or my attempts at it back then), but it feels almost therapeutic to "finish" or at least stitch together bits of animatics my younger self never finished or abandoned or gave up on. because they were too hard or i didnt know what to do or i lost motivation and forgot about them eventually. it just feels... nice yk?

i just compared my new edit with the 2018 one (because the file still blissfully works and i didnt know that until AFTER i was done with editing the new one) and like- besides the fact that i sorta changed the timing of certain shots cuz i didnt remember my original plans from 2018, i do like the end result.

when i think of how long it took me to edit some of it back then vs how much easier it was now, it feels nice. i used to rely so heavily on "tweening" (for lack of a better word) of certain moving parts and even then i could barely make it work, i overused different effects and made the whole thing muddy and hard to work on/fix later. nowadays i just copy the frame a couple of times and move them around to create the timing i want, i like the slight choppiness it adds as well. i do "tween" certain bits sometimes too, when appropriate, but again, it feels so much easier to do now vs then.

i dont know if i had a point to make here, and i dont know if im ever going to post these "restored" unfinished animatics. ive thought about compiling them into one long yt video as sort of a "hey look at all the stuff i wanted to make but never finished" or something along those lines. or maybe i'll just leave them in the files. we'll see.

[maybemclaren]

PIT TO PODIUM F1 FANFIC

CHAPTER 1 on aoc

diversity win! the inaccurate self indulgent cringey f1 oc y/n mf is a trans man

i don’t see enough of these catering to fanboys so lessgoooo

“P10! What happened out there, Levi Murray?”

I joinin with the interviewer's laugh. His eye’s crinkle, like we’re mates catching up over a beer. I’m not fooled though, he’s digging for answers. They all are.

“Aw man. It was a tough race.” I wipe my sweaty brow. I’m gross and still a little out of breath, not camera ready at all, but I play it up by unzipping my suit around my waist. The cameraman zooms in on my torso. I feel exposed. I shake it out.

“But, you know, I did my best out there, and that’s all anyone can do.”

“What about the car, man? I mean, it has its faults, but I could see you really struggling with the steering.”

I pretend that I’m talking to my dad about the last AFL match, but it doesn’t help. He doesn’t look at me like I’m a commodity to be drained.

“Ah, well. I know the team is already onto it, and we’ll get this sorted before the next race. What happened today wasn’t anyone’s fault, but it's our responsibility to fix it.” A classic PR line. The interviewer knows this game.

“Are you sure it was nobody's fault? Steering wheels don’t just crash out like that out of nowhere. Do you suspect foul play?”

This middle aged white man won’t let up. The press are fucking vultures. I just want to go home.

“As a driver, and a mechanic, I can tell you that these things do just happen sometimes. It'll be investigated by the team, but like I said, I don’t believe it was anyone's fault.”

I turn to the camera.

“I’d like to thank our strategists and engineers for their amazing problem solving at the moment, and for making it a great race. We still have a lot to be proud of. I have full faith in the team, the car, and myself. We’re still on track for the podium next month, nothing can stop us.”

The man smiles, extending his hand like it’s a peace offering. He's got his sound bite, he can go now. It’s business, an exchange.

“Thank you Levi, have a good night.”

I pass off the microphone and place my free hand upon our handshake for good measure. “You too mate, cheers.”

He wishes me luck and claps me on the shoulder as I depart. The camera keeps rolling as he launches into a monologue summarising the race. Must’ve been live. I make a mental note to imagine that I’m talking to someone I actually want to during interviews.

I head straight to the garage. I’m being watched the whole time, either by film camera, phones or drones. I keep my head high. If I let anyone know that I’m disappointed then they’ll pounce. Vulnerability is weakness in the paddock. There’s too much media, and competition.

No matter how much I want to cry under a hot shower and go straight to bed, I have a post race ritual. After I’ve finished with the public and the press I visit the garage and thank the pit crew, mechanics, engineers and strategists. If I see the rest of the team, or anyone in orange to be honest, I wave and say hi. Sometimes I’ll find some other drivers who are also in the same post-race-pre-debrief limbo, but today I headed upstairs right away to clean up for the debrief.

I grimace at myself in the mirror. “Post race glow” is bullshit. Whoever came up with that has clearly never met a racecar driver. We smell like hot garbage after stewing for hours.

I peel off my clothes, putting them in the bin specifically labelled. I wonder how much they’re worth now.

I get in the shower, refusing to look down. I don’t know what it is, maybe insecurity because I’m shorter and leaner than the other drivers on the grid. Maybe the way that camera man pounced at the opportunity to film my body. It hits me that he owns that footage now, he can do whatever he likes with it. My body was never mine, it’s always the property of some middle aged creep who’s going to drain it for money and attention. I make quick work of getting dressed.

A/N: IN THIRD PERSON NOW DONT ASK

The debrief meeting is painful. Having to rewatch your mistakes in slow motion from a million different angles is humiliating. So is hearing everybody’s opinion on it. Feedback is great, but not when you’re in the middle of fucking spiralling. He tells them what he thinks happened to the wheel and what should be done, but no one listens because he's not a mechanical engineer anymore.

“Fine, don’t listen to me, but it’s my life on the line if it comes off again, not yours.”

He’s called dramatic and told he is free to go. He gets driven to the hotel because no one lets him drive when it doesn’t benefit them.

His PR agent, Claire, calls him to discuss his image. He wouldn’t call Claire his PR agent, she’s a good friend of his, since they’re similar in age and get along.

He trusts her to tell him the truth about how he’s perceived. As he expected, his ‘post race glow’ is a hot topic in fan circles. The interview with the vulture man was well received, people are commenting on how charismatic and attractive Levi is etc etc.

There’s a picture of him on twitter in the garage chatting with his friends in the pit crew. The user praised how “down to earth he is” for talking to the crew, “not letting the fame get to his head”. He hasn’t changed. Everything else around him has. He almost forgets Claire is yapping in his ear about his team with Oscar, two true blue Aussie blokes showing the world the mateship of Australia and such.

“It’s shit that your whole brand is being decent human beings, but hey, it’s easy to work with.”

“Yeah. I’m not used to all this attention.”

“How’re you feeling about the race?”

“Let me talk my shit for a second. The wheel just came off in my hands and I lost control. I had to put it back on my fucking self while driving. What if I wasn’t a mechanic, huh? I’d DNF.”

He’s not allowed to swear for press purposes. He’s especially not allowed to call anyone a cunt, even in a friendly “mate” way. It doesn’t mean the same thing outside of Australia, apparently. He learnt that after he was almost cancelled on twitter in the summer. His friend Sophie copped it after she cut him off in a mario kart twitch stream. He recovered his image when he posted a funny skit on instagram with Sophie making fun of the word and tweeted an apology with a condemnation of sexism in the motorsport industry. He hates the internet. Jesus Christ.

Case in point, when he’s pissed off and free to, he’ll swear as much as he fucking wants. Fuck those cunts.

“That’s so messed up.”

“They’re not utilising the fact that I’m an experienced mechanical engineer. I’m not a driver bought with daddy’s money. I know the car, better than those fucks sitting on their asses.”

“I’ll let them know.” She interrupts his protests before he can start. “That they should thank you for your service. You worked hard, Lee. I know it's a big adjustment, but you’re doing great. We’ll take care of it.”

“Hehe, wheel .”

“Go to sleep. I’ll see you at the next meeting, okay?”

“G’night.’

“Sleep well.”

He wakes up to a McLaren email from the big communications boss congratulating him on how he handled his first real issue on the track, thanking him for his patience as the team adjusts to the new season, and how they’re lucky to have him represent McLaren.

He smiles, and forwards it to Claire with “thanks :)”.

He answers his emails while eating breakfast. Takes a couple phone calls and responds to texts, mostly from family and friends back home who watched him on TV.

He reads through the grid’s private group chat, the one everyone wants to know about. It’s really not that interesting, they only really talk about the races. It’s the smaller ones where the fun really begins.

🧡🦁

Osc: R u OK?

ChevyLevee: Yea. I didn’t DNF just slowed down while i stuck that shit back in 👍

Lanwin: Badass 😎 🤟

Osc: Levi you coming to Monaco?

ChevyLevee: Yeah, I’m finding an apartment this week

Lanwin: Papaya Papis clubbing? 👀

Osc: Jimmy’z? Meet at Landos at 8

Lanwin: sick 😆

ChevyLevee: See you there : )

[gayspock]

anyways

sorry we're going to really embarrass ourselvestonight see its fucking times like this when i think about being alone for the rest of my life like i really, really fucking think about it and how its not just disgusting loser sobbing and empty fucking nights, fuck me i feel so fucking invisible, but all the fucking time and energy that goes into just being alive thats so fucking hard to sustain by yourself stupid fucking bullshit by yourself already being a very fucking useless human being its not fucking fair that it all fucking compounds makes it all so much fucking harder, and everythings so much fucking harder to fucking do, it takes so much fucking energy to fucking maintain what for fuckinjg what for what fucking purpose i dont fucking know!!! and its so so fucking embarrassing crying about this shit the fucking overwhelming fucking mess around me that i cant fucking manage but theres no one to fucking turn to for anything and therenever will be im stuck with it forever and im going to fucking shoot myself in the fucking head i swear ot fucking god i just fucking sit hereand think about it fucking suffocating me in because whats the fucking alternative i cant do this i cant fucking do this my whole life waking up all your energy fucking sunk into fucking nothing just to fucking keep your fucking stupid, miserable fucking head on your shoulders and theres nothing fucking at the end but more shit fucking screaming at you to be done and its forever its sooo forever cant fucking barely stay afloat by yourself nevermind fucking dig yourself out of whatever fucking hole youre supposedly in even if it was fucking possible to do so and what else is there fucking try today try to fucking do something and it just feels like every time youre fucking punted back 100 feet. over fucking nothing.

i keep trying to fucking better it i do but its just so laughably fucking bad i dont fucking want to fucking sit here and fucking keep swallowing it . i try to fucking keep my head on its really fucking embarrassing it really fucking is but im barely fucking palatable as a fucking person and i know i know i KNOW icant fucking express anything like fucking ACTUALLY say anyhting because im ALREADY so fucking alienated and i feel like im being suffocated but i fucking think about how im a fucking rotted cunt and nothing but and i cant fucking fix any of it i cant fucking do it i dont fucking have enough in me im not enough as a person i do not fucking give a rats ass and i cannot fucking do it and then more shit gets added and its so fucking helpless i and i dont know why i keep fucking forcing myself other than this fucking debilitating fear that if i fuck That up too no matter how much crazy obsessive planning its going to be like everything else whether i try or i dont im going to end up in some fucking hellish purgatory on earth its gonna go wrong and i know i will somehow fuck it up i cant seem to fucking get anything right and again i feel like every time i fucking spiral and spiral its just a fucking joke which is ironically such a fucking self-important thing because like i dont know why im like thinking that people pay that much fucking attention thats the irrational one i know they dont but even still the fucking scraps of acknowledgement the knowledge of what everyonewould fuckuing say of what they have said and i still feel like im being fucking laughed at for being an overdramatic loser whos creating their own fucking problems whos just fucking not listening whos fucking stupid and its really fucking funny its always just a fucking joke and i cant get away from it and i fucking want to punch someones fucking lights out sometimes i really fucking do i wantto hurt someone sometimes because i cant get any other fucking attention and i cant fucking feel anything but fucking intense self loathing and i just want to dig into it further and reallyi really want to fucking run away and be alone somewhere i fucking hate how fucking lonely everything is i fuckinghate it i dont know whats wrong with me or why im never enough to fucking even halfway manage fucking anything i cant find anything that helps i know im not fucking trying UYEAAHH SUREEE IM NOTTRYINGGG i feel like every fucking time i try to give anything a chance i just end up ashamed and hurt and upset and embarrassed no matterhow much fucking grace i afford myself and im so so burnt out and its like ohhhh its fine you dont have to be perfect i jsut want ONE fucking thing to feel good or to last or to mean something and not just feel this sick fucking disgust at myself and upset and this fucking harrowing fucking feeling of rejection and something something always fucking feeling isolated i wish it wasnt so fucking hard to try to fucking handle anyhting i dont understand why its so natural to everyone because even the people who say theyre so fucking alone also!!! :D WE'RE ALLL ALONE!! still have partners or have had close friends and they see people on the daily its been years and years and years i feel like im just fucking trying to cling on and itspathetic and i drag behind fucking everybodyohhh did we remember that cunt exists

PROBABLY NOT right and its not i cant fucking do it i dont want to keep being so desperate all the fucking time it hurts so much more but its jsut so so many fucking months and years just fucking stuck with nothing but yourself because it just doesnt work out ever and i fucking hate myself if i fucking hate being with myself and its like how can i blame anyone else is ANYONE MAD RIGHT NOW i think i need to go fucking try to drown myself in the fucking toilet bowl i need to fucking do something i need to fucking pacify myself thats the only fucking thinjg that makes it stop is just fucking completely disconnecting do it late fucking deal with it later thats it just dont fucking engage with a fucking thing and let the world go by and everyone can leave you even further behind dude yeah fucking excellent IS ANYONE CRAZYYYY

[change-the-rules]

im so fucking tired of digging myself out of depression holes, i dont know how much longer i can do this

and it's just so many things that are simple and easy turn into these stupid monstrous problems when you fucking earnestly swear you'll do it in half an hour, 2 hours, tomorrow and now i'm in my 30's still trying to fix shit that went south LITERALLY half my life ago

[sanchoyo]

2, 8, 13, and 24 :3c

2. 5 favourites of your own work?

umm picking absolute favs is very hard but heres some I like a Lot. def click for bigger size on these ^^; also, the 4th one is a comm for a friend, whos sister is a PROFESSIONAL MERMAID, LIKE AS A LIVING?? and it was a gift for her sister (THE MERMAID.) very very cool story behind that one. :)

(and the original posts these were from: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) )

8. What do you like most about your own work?

...I feel like the thing I get complimented on most is the colors, but tbh? i like how ..flexible? I am sometimes. like I feel pretty good saying I can switch up my style pretty drastically when I feel like it, which is a nice thing to be able to do. (I owe it to yrs of trying to imitate very specific anime styles LMAO)

13. Show your favourite drawing from last year

...this is gonna sound SO conceited but I had a hard time picking bc I liked a lot of drawings from last year (which is funny considering I dont think I did that many compared to other years...)

i kind of want to say one from my ekleipsis illustration series just bc they are SO different from my regular cutesty style, it was FUN doing smth so out of my comfort zone!

like, whos style is this? certainly not my Usual, does not feel like a ME drawing but thats kinda why I liked it a lot...felt like I was proving a point to myself 😭 all of them in that series are kinda like this bc the story had borderline horror fantasy elements lol

24. How do you deal with artblock?

it Depends. the thing abt art block is that it happens for different reasons (at least in my case) and its easier to fix when i know WHY its happening. dont feel like working on a comm? thats a self-discipline issue, gotta prioritize it, its a job I am being paid for, so Gotta do those. (even if usually fun, art block has been known to happen w them before lol) not liking a drawing and getting frustrated so I dont wanna keep working on it? skill issue or lacking technical knowledge probably, time to dig for refs or do studies. bored of looking at the current drawing? well now the issue is I Need to figure out how to make it more interesting, or go work on smth else for a while. and honestly a lot of the time it personally helps me a lot to just...step away from art for a bit. maybe a few weeks or even months before...during that time I focus on other art forms (like, I'll not draw but write or craft or smth) OR just try to find new artists, and sit and analyze THEIR work. what do I like abt their styles? what makes it work? i find it helps me appreciate my own art more when I love other ppls, esp when I see speedpaints or smth and can appreciate their processes too ^_^ and having fresh eyes after a while of not drawing is...nice? refreshing...weirdly enough lol.

tysm for asking!! this was rly fun to answer :D

[kkyaka]

Vent under the cut, I just have to get it out bc I can't talk to my therapist until next week

I dont know why I keep having these low moments when I'm seeing a therapist. I've been seeing her close to a year now and I'm still broken. I'm so fucked up and I don't know what to do. Every time I'm on my period, I have such a low moment and I dig myself into a hole. I don't know what to do, I feel so stupid and useless. I'm supposed to be getting better and I'm not.

I wish I could start life over cause maybe then I would be in a better place. I wouldn't be a failure, I would experience a relationship, I would be hanging out with friends, I wouldn't been a fucking idiot and understand math for once, I wouldn't be a disappointment and not have to do another year of college.

I would just be a better person. Everything would be better. I wouldn't be this fucked up piece of shit that keeps going backwards. Every time I think it's going good, I just experience a low every month and I don't know how to fix it. I just wish I could be better

[pansy-picnics]

do u ever look at a character and go "i can fix them..." despite knowing they're literally the bottom of the barrel slop

ASHDHDJDF OK HONESTLY GOOD QUESTION??? i wanna say cass but thats like…..mostly writing wise. like if ur willing to dig into it i dont think shes as bad as ppl make her out to be but that might just be my own bias and rage for how she was ACTUALLY treated by the narrative. i think most of my faves are like pretty morally good and/or morally gray?? IDK i dont think i can think of any characters that were like straight up the worst people ever in canon and i still like them. mostly just characters who were written Very badly and im like “ummm. i can fix them 😊” and then i gaslight myself into thinking there was never anything wrong with them and i get irrationally angry when ppl say anything bad about them /j

[khali-shabd]

I'm missing you in the future I made up for us. The one where we see each other on break from college and spend the nights at each others' houses and go out for cheap street food all the time. The one where we call each other at odd times of the day just for the sake of each others' company.

I can feel you pulling away, in all these missed calls and unanswered messages. I dont blame you, I couldn't- not when I know you so intimately. But my love is like a dog's- when the rope pulls away, I pull back with a ferocity I scare myself with. I'm trying to hold on to you with every fibre in my body- teeth bared, nails digging in. I can almost hear your tiptoeing, retreating footsteps; I can almost feel the shift of the breeze as you walk into it. As if you can leave my life without a trace. As if your absence will matter so little to me. I am on my haunches, like an abandoned dog; waiting pathetically for you to return. Teeth snapping for the end of your scarf, your bags, your shoes- anything that will make you stay. I worry that I am tearing into your tender wounds every time my teeth graze your flesh. I worry that when I tug my end of the rope, the other end will fall flat. Everything I have ever let go of has had claw marks on it. This should not come as a surprise. I wish you would leave less reluctantly. I wish you would linger by the door less. The longer my teeth spend buried in your palms, the greater is the grief I swallow from your blood.

How do I fix this? My feelings are a terrible thing, all dark and purple and red, almost bruises against the soft skin of my covenant. I am a mad dog, and I don't know why I bite. I have never known how to hold things gently. I have never let go of things without tainting them with the violence of my wanting. Can you stay back a little longer, if nothing else but to teach me how to love you in your absence?