#it didn't subvert its own point and purpose

[thelediz]

Sonic Underground Episode 25: The Hedgehog in the Iron Mask

I’m watching Sonic Underground in search of inspiration to finish a fic I’ve been writing forever. It’s a sad state of affairs. See the recap of the first three episodes here, if you're interested!

The plot (for want of a better word): The triplets rescue a mysterious hedgehog who claims to be a long-lost relative, and spurs thoughts of what life will be like after they regain their birthright. Will the Sonic Underground be able to overcome their sibling rivalry, and remain a team forever?

Yeah… this episode should have been so much more plot relevant than it ended up being.

So Aleena starts this episode talking about how we secretly hide our ambitions from other people, and how it takes courage to let the world see who we really are. It’s… interesting. The first half of her little monologue sounds quite suss, and then the second half is inspiring. One could make too much of this, Aleena!

The triplets are breaking into some kind of prison on the idea that Aleena was once imprisoned there, and there will be clues as to where she is now. Meanwhile, there’s a guy doing opera warmups and preparing for a show.

The triplets are going to be surprised he’s an actor later, but the audience is, as always, way more aware than them. I wonder if that was supposed to be a running theme or point at one point?

The triplets are confused when they hear him, because Robotnik doesn’t normally imprison people—guys, you literally just said Aleena was imprisoned here—and he howls when he calls out, and Sonia finds his voice familiar. None of this will stop them believing him later.

Manic jokes about Sonic’s off-key singing. This is not the only time they will make a joke like this. Now, granted, I would probably not say I enjoy any of the triplet’s vocals, and as I said once, when I was a kid I liked Manic’s best (I no longer know why), but this is such a strange joke that comes up every so often. It’s the sort of thing I’d work up into a big thing about Manic and Sonia resenting Sonic being the front man of both the band and the Resistance, except it’s not. It’s just a random joke. And it’s bothered me since the first time I heard it.

Moving on.

Gotta say, the flow of the animation in this episode is not terrible. Character models are still awful, and they are reusing frames where they can, but the flow is good.

Oh look. An orange item in the middle of the room. A suspiciously moving curtain off to the side. Whoever could have seen this ambush coming.

Dingo is a great actor. I just want to say that. When the triplets tie him up and interrogate him, he spits his lines about how the prisoner is important but did nothing wrong brilliantly. Give that man a Tony.

The Song: Part of the Problem. Another rare Sonia lead, with a pretty funky brass backing. They’re singing to the crowd to try and get people to tell them who the prisoner is. This of course will not really help because there IS no prisoner, but it’s a good propaganda song for the Resistance, so uh. Cool.

But of course it doesn’t work, so of course they need to break back in to rescue him. Which is not very hard, given that’s Robotnik's whole plan.

The prisoner is wearing a metal headcovering, which he claims is a bomb that will explode if it’s removed. And he, in a complete turnaround from literally everyone else in the series, does not recognise them as Aleena’s children. Now, at this point, even if we didn’t know he was an actor, I’d be suspicious, because EVERYONE knows these kids EVEN WHEN THEY SHOULDN’T.

Also, he’s not a great actor. He barely avoids saying the word 'GASP'.

He gives them some golden rings that ‘bear the royal family crest’ which—I remind you—was established last episode as the Royal H. They do not have the Royal H. But this may just be poor continuity, so whatever. They're tracking devices, spoilers.

Now. Now. He gives a speech here which is totally made up but I clearly internalised and took it as gospel. He claims to be the queen’s twin brother, and that there’s a law that says there can be only one ruler, so he was sent into exile. This is to sow conflict between the siblings, obvs, but is also legitimately contrary to the Council of Four. In my story, I very much make this a point, because triplets don’t just come out of nowhere, genetically – you will tend to see twins and triplets throughout family lines. But we NEVER hear of any other family members. So I, being the problem that I am, take that to mean that problematic heirs are quietly removed from public life once they stop being important backups and lose their legitimacy to the throne. Because this royal family has PROBLEMS, folks.

Meanwhile, no sooner has the actor said his lines than the triplets start bickering, with Sonic assuming he’ll be ruler, Sonia laughing at the idea because a “ruler needs to have some CULTURE”, and Manic stating that he’s the “real representative of the people”. So, you know, effective plot building on their pre-identified internal conflicts (except Manic, but we’re pretty sure that’s just fumbled characterisation, not actually out of nowhere). It’s not a bad setup for an episode, is what I’m saying.

I also obsess over the fact that Sonic is the only one of the three who focusses on how he won’t banish the other two. Manic and Sonia DO NOT MENTION THIS ISSUE. Sonia, in fact, is being SO SHALLOW this episode, claiming she gets the crown because the other two would suck and she looks best in finery, while Manic is just getting all resentful.

Oh, oh, oh, I love Sonic and Sonia’s argument so much for my purposes. Sonia snaps that Sonic would drive Mobius to disaster (which he would, to be fair), and Sonic is the first to say that he’ll banish HIMSELF if Sonia becomes queen, and points out how he never needed anyone before and doesn’t now (which again, is true, to be fair), while Sonia is clearly throwing a tantrum and runs off on her own. Manic, as always, just goes along with it, and so the triplets split up.

Manic, naturally, lasts about five minutes before he gets captured. Sonia needs a bit of a guilt trip, but then gets caught too. But when the actor tries to finish up by catching Sonic, Sonic’s suspicions kick in, he decides he’s had enough of this ‘uncle’, and recognises the rings as homing beacons. But as he fights the ambush off, the actor throws himself in the middle of Sonic’s attack and Sonic brains himself on the helmet.

Yes, that’s right, Sonic actually doesn’t just save the day this episode! They’re actually going to bring the Sonic Underground back together to win this time! THIS EPISODE ISN’T GOING TO DEFEAT THE WHOLE STORYLINE OF THE SERIES!

So now that the hedgehogs are caught, the actor has served his purpose and is thrown with prison along with them. Without his mask, revealing himself to be “Luke Perrywinkle” (oh honey. Luke Perry was not this hammy thespian.) that Sonia was a huge fan of and Sonic thought was a ham. Manic had no idea.

Sonic with a sword, Sonic with a sword, Sonic with a sword!

So of course they have to work together to get out, and the actor announces he’s going to join the resistance, and the triplets decide they will rule together, and we end happily once more.

And I... I'm...

This…

Guys.

This was an actual good episode, guys.

Like… still low budget and still a bit messy, but… guys, this was… actually good? Like… it had story and character progression and a lesson that the siblings actually learned that would legitimately lead them toward The Council Of Four and…

It was COMPETENT???

WHAT THE HELL, TRASHFIRE. I AM OFFENDED, HOW DARE YOU.

Tomorrow better be back to form, or so help me I might actually have to give you credit for trying.

[thydungeongal]

apologies if this has been asked already, but I'm curious as to why you enjoy monsterhearts so much? you recommend it because the mechanics support narrative arc, due to the way the skins are narratively connected to a certain high school clique. but I found that to be the most frustrating part of the game, honestly.

I was constantly hitting my head against the narrative and my character because it felt like there was only one way to really play a skin and their arc. one of my favorite things to do in ttrpgs is to Subvert classes and tropes, but in monsterhearts your relationship to your class (and the mechanics that go with it) feel either static or inevitable. The Queen is always the Queen Bee, which I guess makes sense, but it simply feels boring.

your monsterheart post was in response to why everyone likes d&d warlock, and op said its because warlock's mechanics are strictly tied to its narrative, but i disagree: I think a lot of people, me included, like warlock because of the Choices and freedoms that come with the class. you didn't Have to play a warlock with a direct, antagonistic, and codependent conflict with their patron. because the game does not have any specific mechanics for patrons, you can kind of do whatever with them.

I always think that limits will make someone think more creatively in those bounds, and I was hoping monsterheart would have that sort of creative energy, but when I was playing it, I felt like I was wrangling the rules and my own moveset at every turn.

am i simply not viewing the game in the right way? is it just not for me? am i not being creative enough? I'm trying to get over the mindset that rules are the enemy, but idk. i just haven't been able to really get into smaller ttrpgs except like, troika! (which i do love a lot tbh), and i want to know what I'm missing. sorry for the long, rambling question

It might simply not be for you. For me the fact that the skins each represent a clear narrative trope within high school drama that has ways that the rules encourage them to act in (those ways being Bad because the point of the game is to produce explosive melodrama) is a net positive, because the character skins are not just "classes" but also archetypes. And while within a single skin the narrative arc of the character can feel like it's prewritten it never exists in isolation: there are always the other PCs, the rest of the school, and the town the characters live in, as well as whatever Threat threatens the town this time. All of those, in combination, are what makes the arc and what makes the narrative truly emergent. Monsterhearts really shines as a game where the PCs are at each other's throats and working at cross purposes, and because of that the best experience comes from approaching it via simply producing the most fun melodrama while trying to fuck with the other characters.

Also I do think there's something to be said for the freedom afforded by the Warlock in D&D in having the license to consider the character's relationship to their patron, but I also see that there being very little meat to the relationship with the patron, mechanically, means that there is also very little narrative weight attached to it. Because narratives in RPGs emerges from mechanics. The Warlock is a great example of a class that has well-established ties to the fiction of the world and that suggests drama, but still leaves all of that up to the group. Or, as @rathayibacter said in the replies to that post:

the thing that kills me is that, rules as written, your warlock patron doesnt actually matter. dnd gives zero tools to the players or gms for how to get a warlock's patron involved in the game outside a few vague suggestions. it's the best the game's got to offer, and its still 95% people bringing their own soup to the restaurant that only sells stale crackers.

Anyway, D&D also has strong character archetypes for the point of the game it's mechanically most opinionated about: combat. While people do complain about Rogues doing nothing but sneak attack all day, that's literally what the fiction sets them up to do, and a Rogue that sneak attacks all day in D&D is doing God's own work. So too with the Mortal who ends up in the middle of a romantic triangle/square/pentacle in Monsterhearts thus making the situation more fucked up, because that drama is what the mechanics of Monsterhearts are concerned with.

But yeah tastes on this do vary and some people are okay with background stuff being just suggestions, but I personally like it when it is actually in harmony with and supported by the mechanics, because that makes the fiction tangibly real in the game. But idk

[autogeneratedkahootnickname]

God's role in Good Omens is fascinating to analyse over two series.

In Series 1, God acts as the narrator, indifferently dictating the events of the story as they unfold as a neutral observer. She seems divorced from, even annoyed by the affairs of Heaven, and at NO POINT do they get involved. When Armageddon gets subverted, when Aziraphale and Crowley fool their respective celestial authorities and live on Earth together, she makes no effort to interfere.

As an audience watching Series 1, we are led to the conclusion that this means God is effectively on our side: that they aren't bogged down in the ineffable bureaucracy of heaven and hell, and simply want the best possible outcome for everyone. Which happily happens to be the one we like.

Series 2 comes out and completely flips that on its head. Because in retrospect, God doesn't refrain from getting involved because she's 'on our side': rather, because up to that point, everything was going according to plan.

We realise that Aziraphale's 'insane gambit' at the air base was CORRECT: the Great Plan failing was absolutely part of the Ineffable Plan, or as God describes it in episode 1, 'her Ineffable Game of her own devising'. Armageddon 1 was always meant to go down like a lead balloon, as was everything else up until that point: maybe they wanted the also seemingly-omnipotent Antichrist Adam out of the way before they got to business. Agnes Nutter, a mortal human, KNEW that the apocalypse wouldn't happen in 2019 because she wrote a second book of prophesies: it isn't impossible that she was more powerful and prescient than literal God, but it does seem unlikely. Hell, God is narrating right up until the very end, down to the nightingales. Everything is going exactly according to plan.

Until that Ineffable Bureaucracy they refused to get involved with rears its head in an unexpected way.

Gabriel and Beezelbub falling for each other was. Not. Part. Of. The. Plan. Gabriel falling was. Not. Part. Of. The. Plan. Metatron didn't show up to Aziraphale's trial, the trial of the guy who directly prevented the event that the entire universe was purpose built for, but they do turn up to Gabriel's. Armageddon 2 was meant to go ahead, but the Ineffable Game is coming off the rails. God is not narrating Series 2.

Originally, Crowley and Aziraphale were a means to an end, but they've just become symptomatic of the gravest institutional problem God has ever faced: the accelerating dissolution of the absolutist moral divide separating Heaven and Hell. The idea that there's more to life than God's will. And this will not do.

With that in mind, lets look at 2:6.

Metatron seems equally exasperated with both the Archangels and the Dukes, but they're extremely friendly to Aziraphale and deathly cold to Crowley. 'Well Crowley's a demon' yes but God knew that Crowley would fall by design. The malice in that glare makes no sense when compared to the indifferent annoyance they direct towards the LEADERS OF HELL.

God is trying exceptionally hard to bring Aziraphale back into Heaven's fold for completely bullshit reasons: Aziraphale is good in a crisis, but he can't lead his way out of a paper bag. Even though he's technically 'leading' in the Battle of the Bookshop, that mostly boils down to Nina and Maggie throwing random bullshit down the stairs as he nervously protests. Aziraphale and Crowley have become an unpredictable entity, and unpredictability is anathema to God's plan.

Crowley is frustrated that Aziraphale doesn't recognise the toxicity of heaven and hell, but he still can't see beyond that dichotomy: he's hell-bent (no pun intended) on avoiding the chess pieces to the point where he can't see who's moving them.

God is not on the audience's side. God's interests were briefly aligned with ours, and now it's time to correct course.

[datubooty]

On kid Philip

When I watched Watching and Dreaming and heard Papa Titan deliver “You assume Belos's goal comes from a genuine place. But that man doesn't care about about anything but his need to be the hero in his own delusion. And because of that, he fears what he can't control.” it sat strangely with me because I didn't see Belos’s actions as delusional. Fear-based, yes. Controlling, absolutely, but he knows what he’s doing and acts with learned purpose.

It’s especially interesting now that the finale has spawned cumulative takes about antagonist (ir)redeemability. Belos by the end is literally the Biggest Bad, but unlike the other villains in the show, we get to see when and how he got to his irredeemable state: as a child he is indoctrinated and fails to grow up and out of the value systems given to him. (Not very 1 Corinthians 13:11 of him.) He fails to stop playing pretend.

What did child Belos/Philip* learn?

(*aside, as a trans person I find it fascinating to see Luz et al broadly refuse to call him Philip once they learn he and Belos are one and the same, even though he specifically asks to be called such, except when coerced (e.g. King’s Tide.) In his case, I read it more as Philip being the past human and Belos being the present monster, which is how e.g. the wiki handles it, but that’s also a weird trans reading given e.g. Susan Stryker’s writings on trans as monster, even if they are very 90s and not about the year 2008.)

The first part of Masha’s explanation of Gravesfield Lore as remembered by the Human Realm is a good primer: “The year is 1613. Two orphaned brothers arrive in Gravesfield. Their names? Philip and Caleb. Caleb did his best to take care of his younger brother. They tried to fit in with this town, and its unsavory practices. They became witch-hunters!” (Thanks to Them.)

This aligns with Philip’s experiences as depicted in mindscape paintings in Hollow Mind. (Bless Rebecca Rose for these tweets with clean versions.) Adults in Gravesfield really were out there with torches and pitchforks hunting witches, so Caleb plays a pretend version with Philip. [This is a point where distinguishing pretend versus delusion could be helpful - their pretend is still based in reality, as they are imitating adults.] Caleb’s intent is not clear - is this to comfort Philip against the violence around them? Is this because Caleb wanted to fit in to avoid being further outcast in the town? We don’t get to know. Caleb isn’t an adult at this point and likely acceding to social pressure more than having any genuine belief.

Regardless of intent, the result of this pretend is that Philip is indoctrinated into Gravesfield’s ways and learns that hunting witches is a moral act. He never unlearns this. The danger of not realizing the finite application of pretend is a theme we get with the other child characters in the show, a major theme for King (literally his intro in A Lying Witch and a Warden, elaborated on in Echoes of the Past, then subverted by Edge of the World) that he tries to teach the Collector in For the Future: “K: Think about what you're doing to these people! / C: You are so BO-RING! I'm just playing pretend! / K: Even playing pretend has consequences.” So child Philip is thematically marked to have a bad time if he doesn’t learn to see the world as it is. [Here as well, it’s tough to claim that pretend inherently is delusion when the show subverts itself - King is led to believe he was being deluded but it is in fact true, as with the witch hunting above.]

Later, Caleb and Philip join the Gravesfield populace in real witch hunting, and we can return to Masha’s summary of what happened next: “Local lore suggests that the Brothers Wittebane met a real witch from another world! Her name was Evelyn. And the older brother was spirited away. She dazzled him with magic and visions of a strange yet beautiful place. They used a secret code to travel between worlds. Philip set off to save his brother and bring the witch to justice.” (Thanks to Them.)

While Masha (who shares a VA with Azula) promptly Ember Island Playerses this as “Sounds like big bro got a hot witch girlfriend and little bro got upset” for comedic effect, her diction is kinder towards Philip, and I think rightfully so. Based on his upbringing and experience, Philip genuinely believes that Evelyn should be hunted and that Caleb is in danger. 

Does Philip know that what he’s doing is violent and affects other people? Maybe, but for thematic purposes I would hesitate to have this be a/the moment that defines his turn towards rot. The Owl House is a show that elsewhere believes there is something precious and protectable about childhood (e.g. everything Luz and Eda do for King, everything Eda does for Luz, and even its treatment of the Collector), so it would be a strange inconsistency for Philip to be considered bad overall from based on just doing what he’s told now (see: Hunter.)

Instead, the breakpoint for any sympathies we might have for Philip lies somewhere between Caleb first meeting Evelyn and Evelyn bringing Caleb back through the portal to the Demon Realm. Between the middle and bottom images above, note that Philip has clearly grown - his version of the hair noodle is longer and pointing up, in addition to the increased presence of wear on the photo. Sometime in this period is when Caleb sheds witch hunting as an ethos, but Philip does not.

Everything else we see of Philip becoming Belos in the mindscape paintings and in “real time” onscreen is fundamentally a 400-year continuation of that first pretend-that-imitated-reality. Despite being flung into a world that operates on entirely different wavelengths, he retains his belief that witches are for hunting, and that he, by virtue of being in a realm full of them, can be the “Witch Hunter General” (King’s Tide). That forms a stable core that could appear delusional as he, say, kills clones of his brother over and over again, torments his (likely) grand-grand-grand...-nieces, and plots genocide, but it is still principled: witches must be hunted.

A natural foil for kid Philip is the Collector, also a child, at least on the timescale that we are working with. [We do see larger and taller Archivists (e.g. Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door, For the Future, Watching and Dreaming) which implies that they aren’t eternal children or childlike in form, but the Collector has been a kid since King’s dad trapped him in the In Between Realm long ago (Watching and Dreaming.)]

The Collector is lied to by the other Archivists, Belos himself, and King - and what is lying but pretend with added deceit - but even he aspires to grow up and change in the end: “He said he had a lot of growing up to do, so he decided to return to the stars” (Luz dialogue in Watching and Dreaming) where the Archivists are (Kikimora dialogue in King’s Tide.) Belos’s near-total isolation from other humans is inflicted by his own hand; even if the early grimwalker copies came from a place of regret, they are not human. Belos understands that what he's doing harms people (Hollow Mind,) while the Collector doesn’t understand injury or mortality (For the Future, Watching and Dreaming.) The Collector is positioned closer to naively amoral given his status as an immortal, and yet he can still out-good Belos.

This show loves first/last parallels, so how’s this: Camila’s line in A Lying Witch and a Warden “your fantasy world is holding you back. Do you have any friends? Real ones, not imagined or drawn or reptilian?” spawned a lot of comparisons between s1 Luz and the Collector, but Belos is at least an equally apt comparison.The ripples of pretend have trapped him in a different dimension, surrounded by what he hates. When Dana tweeted “Nothing lasts forever” with the Watching and Dreaming poster, it was of course about the run of the show, but it was also about Belos, who only ceases to adhere to his childhood value system when he dies.

[zedecksiew]

Kriegsmesser

When I received Kriegsmesser in the mail I finally googled "kriegsmesser", and found out it meant "war knife". Which makes sense; Gregor Vuga's ZineQuest 2021 project is a tribute to "roleplaying games named after medieval weapons".

I love Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay's piss-renaissance Old World setting. I tend to pick up WFRP-a-likes sight unseen:

Warlock (quality);

Small But Vicious Dog (yesss);

Zweihander (which I have come to hate); etc.

Anyway: I backed Kriegsmesser without really knowing anything about it. So Kriegsmesser surprised me.

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Kriegsmesser grew out of a Troika! cutting. Its 36 backgrounds are compatible with that system: each come with a couple of lines of description; a list of skills and possessions; an a visual cameo cropped from actual 16th-Century woodcut art.

Cohesive and competently flavourful. My favourite is the Labourer, who always starts with "an empty pine box":

"You've spent your life breaking your back, working hard for other people's profit. You have nothing to show for it but a spectre of the future."

(The obligatory ratcatcher-analogue , called the Vermin Snatcher, is here -- check that box!)

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Kriegsmesser also comes with its own ruleset. Hits all the notes it needs to, with lots of orientation and advice for how to run a game -- but ultimately super-simple, mechanically:

Roll d6s equal to the value in a relevant skill, look at the highest result. 6 means you get what you want; 5 or 4 means you get what you want, at a cost.

It's not quite a dice pool, since only the highest result matters. No opposed tests.

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Kriegsmesser intends to have this base mechanic handle fights, too. The combat rules - with armour, toughness and weapon values -- are nested in an optional section.

For a WFRP-a-like, this feels like a purposeful departure.

Many of WFRP's most celebrated adventures are celebrated for bits that their underlying ruleset does little to support: the investigative structure of "Shadows Over Bogenhafen"; the complicated timetable of "Rough Night At Three Feathers".

Ludwig von Wittgenstein never needed a statblock to be memorable.

Not to say that lethal, hyper-detailed fights isn't super Warhammer-y. (Kriegsmesser includes an injury table, broken down by body-part -- check that box!)

But here it feels like Gregor is saying: "I'm not Games Workshop and Roleplay isn't an ancillary of Warhammer Fantasy Battle; we can evoke grim-and-perilous-ness even if we fork away from heavy combat rules."

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It has become ritual for me to read my partner Sharon to sleep.

Sometimes I read her RPG things. The other night, after I read her Kriegsmesser's introduction --

" The Empire wages an eternal war against Chaos. Its priests preach of Chaos as an intrusion, something unnatural ... These men see Chaos in anything that does not buttress their rule. They call it disorder, anarchy, corruption. They say that to rebel against their order is to rebel against god and nature. That the current arrangement is natural, rather than artificial.

" Meanwhile, the common people look to the Empire to deliver the justice that they were promised and they find none. They look to the Empire and do not see themselves reflected in it. They look around at what they were taught was right and good and see only misery.

" Their world begins to unravel. Chaos comes to reside in every heart and mind sound enough to look at the world and conclude it is broken. "

-- Sharon remarked: "Nice one."

The RPG things I read her generally leave Sharon lukewarm. She has enjoyed a couple -- but, yeah: for many of these books, text isn't their strong point.

Kriegsmesser is the only time I can recall Sharon praising the writing of an RPG book without my prompting.

Nice one.

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That introduction surprised me. It underlines Kriegsmesser's biggest departure from its WFRP-a-like pedigree: how it characterises Chaos.

Corruption, a mainstay of most grim-dark-y games, is made an optional rule, like combat. Explaining this, Gregor writes:

" Kriegsmesser partially subverts or deconstructs the traditional conceit of Warhammer where the characters are threatened by the forces of Chaos. In this game it is the player characters who are the agents of 'Chaos': they are likely to become the 'rats' under the streets, and the wild 'beast-men' in the woods bringing civilisation down. It's the Empire and its nobles and priests that are corrupt ... "

Describing the Empire, Gregor writes:

" The Empire encompasses the world yet is terrified of the without. It enforces itself with steel and fire yet considers itself benevolent. It consumes the labour of others with bottomless hunger yet calls its subalterns lazy, or wasteful, or greedy. "

Holy shit this is the first time I've seen the word "subaltern" in an RPG thing, I think?

I love this.

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Rant incoming:

With every passing decade Warhammer abridges its Moorcockian roots more and more; nowadays it is "Order = Good" and "Chaos = Evulz", pretty much.

Gone are the days when chaos berserkers are implied to grant safe passage to the helpless (because Khorne is as much a god of martial honour as he is a god of bloodletting); Or that the succor of Papa Nurgle is a genuine comfort to the downtrodden; Or that Tzeentch could unironically embody the principle of hope, of change for the better.

As Chaos is distilled into unequivocal villainy, Order goons get painted as Good Guys by default --

Giving rise to Warhammer's contemporary problem, wherein fans are no longer able to recognise satire.

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When I was introduced to 40K, it seemed pretty clear that the Imperium was a Brazil-esque absurdist-fascist bureaucratic state: planets are exterminatus-ed due to clerical error; the way it stamps out rebellions is the reason why rebellions begin in the first place.

Tragi-comic grimdarkness. That was the point.

Nowadays that tone has shifted -- and you're more likely than not going to encounter a 40K fan who argues that the Imperium's evils are a justified necessity, to prevent worse wrongs.

We went from:

"Space Nazis because insane dumbass fuckery, also chainswords vroom vroom rule of badass!"

To:

"Space Nazis because it makes sense actually, and also chainswords make sense because [insert convoluted rationalisation here]."

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Even Fantasy Flight's Black Crusade line, which ostensibly offers a look at 40K from the perspective of Chaos, never truly commits to its conceit.

With prep you could play a heroic band of mutant freedom fighters, resisting the tyranny of the Evil Imperium --

But I don't remember Black Crusade giving that kind of campaign any actual support. Its supplements service the relatively more conventional "You can play villains!" angle; the Screaming Vortex is a squarely Daemons-vs-Daemons setting.

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This tonal drift culminates, in my mind, with Age of Sigmar, Games Workshop's heroic-fantasy replacement of the old WFRP / WHFB setting.

Here's the framing narrative for AoS's recently-launched Third Edition. Let's see whether I've got things right:

A highly professionalised, technologically-superior tip-of-the-spear fighting force (the Stormcast Eternals);

Backed by an imperialist military-industrial complex (Azyrheim);

"Liberating" rich new territories (Ghur) for exploitation by a civilised settler culture (Settlers of Sig-- I mean, Free Cities);

Justified because the locals are irredeemable heathens (Chaos and Kruleboyz).

I mean, that's a sweet-ass Warhammer setting. It's contemporary, laser-guided lampoon. Except it is played totally straight.

In AoS, a literal crusade is justified as the moral good.

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I think Kriegsmesser surprised me because its framing of Chaos -- as a promise, as the light of hope shining through cracks of a broken world --

It feels so fucking right.

Yes: its a subaltern deconstruction of the conventional moral universe of Warhammer -- but it is a take that is also already implied / all but supported in the various depictions of the setting: from WFRP to the modified title-crawl of Black Crusade.

I'm annoyed I didn't think of it, myself. Damn you, Gregor!

And I'm annoyed that more Warhammer fans aren't thinking it, also.

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lmagine if Kriegsmesser's perspective stood on equal standing as the GW orthodoxy. Imagine if, instead of simplifying stuff into "Order = Good" and "Chaos = Evulz", GW did a Gregor Vuga.

You'd have a Rashomon-ed Warhammer, where villainy depends on perspective:

You are fearful villagers, huddled around your priest, muttering prayers against the wild braying coming from the trees beyond your gates.

You are Aqshyian tribeswomen, defying the thunder warrior towering over you, the foreigner demanding you bow to his foreign god.

You are a Tzeentchian revolutionary cell, desperately trying to disrupt a Inquisitor's transmissions so your home planet isn't destroyed by fascist orbital fire.

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Get Kriegsmesser HERE.

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( Image sources: https://theenemywithinremixed.wordpress.com/2021/05/21/thoughts-on-the-4e-death-on-the-reik/ https://www.criterion.com/current/posts/59-brazil https://www.deviantart.com/faroldjo/art/Warhammer-40k-Black-Crusade-273596035 https://www.warhammer-community.com/2021/06/09/fancy-a-new-life-bringing-order-to-the-mortal-realms-join-a-dawnbringer-crusade-today/ https://www.nme.com/blogs/the-movies-blog/team-america-15-anniversary-south-park-2558750 https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Palestinian_children_and_Israeli_wall.jpg )

[deltaengineering]

Spring Anime 2021: Embarrassment of Riches

So this current anime season absolutely stinks, which just makes the last one look even more impressive. Well, maybe not all of it...

Zombieland Saga Revenge

First off, you don't need to tell me that the following is a severe outlier opinion. We good? Ok. ZLSR is, in a word, subpar. I liked S1 back in the day, but it was already in the process of getting lazy towards the end. S2 continues this trend and is basically just another idol show. And as someone who actually does watch other idol shows I have to say that it's not a particularly good one of those either. The zombie gimmick has mostly stopped mattering and we're just doing what every idol show does, only with the odd occasional sight gag. The alleged subversive qualities mostly amount to a flashback for Yuugiri, which is admittedly the best part of the show but feels like it barely has anything to do with anything. Apart from that, it's a bunch of generic idol plots, rehashed character beats, shoddy attempts at twists (while not connecting to any setups from S1), and the obligatory "idols give us hope" ending, which is terribly hackneyed and flat out bad. Tae gets further memed into the ground, because of course she does. And there's stuff that was simply never good to begin with, like Kotarou and his comedy schtick, which gets truly insufferable now that there's no qualities to distract from it. It really makes me think that S1 wasn't even all that good to begin with and seems like an attempt to turn this surprise success into an easy money longrunner with no edge and no ambitions. "The idol show for people who don't watch idol shows" indeed, but not the way you mean it. 4/10

Bakuten

But not to dwell on the failures, with the second show we're already above the cut — barely. This one got my attention with its really impressive performance scenes early on and it totally sticks to that, which is even more impressive. But besides that? Well, this is by far the most predictable show in a season where I watched an unambitious Kiraralike and put ZLS on blast for having no ideas. The characters are a mixed bag, some are cool (Shida, Asawo), some are very annoying (Mashiro), but those are the supports. The main cast is extremely one-dimensional, which is fine until they try to heap a ton of pathos on their lead, which doesn't go well. But I guess execution matters, and Bakuten is slick enough to get by. Writing this down in stark daylight I feel like I overrated this show somewhat (I actually put it over the next one originally, which definitely doesn't hold up when thinking about it), but I was indeed mostly entertained. 6/10

Yakunara Mug Cup mo

Yeah. Of course Mug Cup definitely doesn't invent or subvert anything either, but it's a pretty good Kiraralike that's always entertaining to watch. Explaining the qualities of such a nothing genre is as difficult as ever, but it mostly comes down to me liking the characters and it having nothing to annoy me. It's shorter than normal, which is a plus for slim shows like this. And yeah, you can make an excessive amount of dick jokes with the clay fondling. That helps too. Looks are just fine, pleasant but nothing out of the ordinary. Comfy low-effort anime. 6/10

Vivy: Fluorite Eye's Song

This one is decent, but sadly still a major letdown. Because the first few episodes of Vivy were excellent and kicked ass, but then it became increasingly clear that the writing can't cash the checks the ideas wrote while the action starts running into severely diminishing returns. Vivy just keeps slowly getting worse and worse as it goes on, not by a huge amount each episode but by the end there's a pretty sizeable gulf between potential and result. Going into detail would probably be a little much for this venue because there's a lot, but from the top level view the issue is that while Vivy has good fundamental ideas and steals at the right places, it just isn't a smart show — it's schlock, and by the end, poorly thought out schlock that tries to smooth out every problem with liberal application of the big feels hammer and le epic twist at that. Yeah, couldn't tell that the Re:Zero dude was aboard here, for sure. That said, it still works pretty well as entertaining schlock that is not to be taken too seriously, and the characters are generally just very fun to watch even when they're doing stupid things. Still, I can't in good conscience rate this higher than Beatless, a show that looks like butt but properly executes on its ideas. 6/10

Super Cub

So this is 100% a Honda commercial, and I got really mad a Yuru Camp last season for being a blatant shill. Yet I'm feeling this, what gives? I think the main difference is that Super Cub is specifically a commercial for one product (and a very iconic product at that), while Yuru Camp is so all over the place that it ends up mostly a commercial for consumerism in general. And when Super Cub goes too hard on the product (which it does), it's at least pretty entertaining. That's something about Super Cub in general: It goes hard. Your regular Kiraralike this is not, because it's uncommonly slow, focused and moody - yes, it almost measures up to Yuru Camp at its best and demolishes it at its worst. Also, it's just extremely amusing to see sadblob Koguma grow a huge grizzly biker beard and become a badass outlaw dad to her goofy wife and cute daughter, all thanks to the power of afforable personal transportation. Needless to say, that can get unintentionally silly, but Super Cub has so much charm that it doesn't matter — it's great when it's good and still funny when it's not. 7/10

Shadows House

Shadows House turned up with a lot of potential, and I have to say it at least delivered on most of it. It has some problems; notably I'm not a fan of how the entire middle turned out to be a tournament arc of sorts that seems curiously inspired by Resident Evil memes, crest-shaped intentations and boulder punching included. I also think that this is a show that would be perfectly fine without explaining much, but I guess it is a shounen manga after all so we got dumped on eventually anyway. At least that came late - close relative Promised Neverland didn't show that much restraint. Shadows House is generally well written though, with great characters, interesting interactions and a great hook. But what really makes it memorable is that it's exceptionally good at the cute/creepy contrast, something that is often tried but rarely works as well as here, with great character designs and very appropriate production. I hope this gets a sequel, because it seems like it's just getting started. 7/10

SSSS.Dynazenon

Coming in with a fondness for Gridman, Dynazenon didn't have to do much to convince me. The surprise though is that it's not a rehash even if it's basically the same show, a character drama where occasionally huge and goofy fights break out. Dynazenon is Gridman done better, and the interesting part is how it accomplishes this - mainly by being far more conventional. I do appreciate that Gridman went for something weird and almost experimental, but that only really paid off towards the end while most of the show was a distraction/holding pattern. It just didn't feel like there was enough material for a full series there, more like a movie maybe, if even that. Dynazenon fixes this by just being a TV show, with an actual cast of characters that each have their own arc. And by spreading the material this way, Dynazenon ends up having a lot more nuance than its intensely focused predecessor, while having the same themes and not actually being any deeper. In a way, Gridman ends up looking like the spinoff in retrospect, while Dynazenon is the full package. 8/10

Thunderbolt Fantasy S3

So how good was this season? So good that Thunderbolt Fantasy doesn't end up at the top, that's how. And all the elements that made Tbolt such a sure thing are still there, big hammy puppets doing stunts and scheming never gets old. However, I do have to note that at this point, the writing appears to have gotten too comfortable. I don't expect it to ever top the amazing S1 ending, but at this point it's like Tbolt has stopped trying to deliver on endings at all and seems in the process of retooling itself into a longrunner instead. Barely anything gets resolved in S3 (the climax is that the climax of S2 is resolved again, for good this time... maybe), and everything else is just setting up plotpoints for the next season. Tbolt is truly lucky that it doesn't actually need to resolve anything to be a great time, but at this point I have to say that I'd appreciate it if they wrapped it up with S4. 8/10

Nomad: Megalobox 2

Speaking of sequels to shows I liked, Nomad doesn't so much improve upon its predecessor but steamrolls right over it. This is a tall order, since Megalobox was surprisingly good for a sports shounen and had a real nice, heartwarming ending that Nomad instantly negates for purposes of drama and everyone being extremely miserable. That sounds like a pretty terrible idea - and it would be, if Nomad wasn't as excellent as it is. To call it not the same show would be an understatement, because it's a true sequel, not just the same characters doing their thing some more, or new characters doing the same thing as the old ones did. Indeed my biggest problem with Megalobox was that it still closely adhered to its genre template and was very predictable; Nomad fixes this issue thoroughly. Nomad is about questioning what being a hotblooded shounen protagonist eventually leads you to, and how to fix everything you screwed up by being one. You could call it a deconstruction, but that term has been so abused for cynical, edgy "thing you like actually sucks" takes that I feel like it doesn't really fit here. Nomad isn't cynical at all, it's just a character drama about some boxers past their prime, and it being a sequel to a show that is indeed rather formulaic just enhances the experience. My biggest issue with it was that I really like what they did with Joe in this story, so the big focus on Mac's backstory felt like a distraction for a long time. But in the end that turned out to be absolutely necessary to make the ending work. The ending's just great, by the way, and I shall say not more about it. 9/10

Odd Taxi

Yeah boy, here's the show that has apparently become somewhat of a "greatest show you didn't watch" meme, which I can feel smug about because I don't need YouTubers to tell me what's good and followed this from day one. Anyway, Odd Taxi is indeed great, the greatest show in a few years even. What starts out as seemingly a relaxed hangout show in the vein of Midnight Diners quickly turns into a psychological murder mystery while never losing its quirky humor. The character writing is outstanding, with even small bit players being on a level that the average anime wishes it could have for leads. And the rollout of the mystery is exemplary, with answers given and new questions raised every episode with a satisfying and logical payoff in the end. This is also the rare anime that has rock solid production from the first to the last second; it's never really flashy but excellently done and highly consistent nonetheless. And the music just owns. I have a few complaints, mainly that there's a few logical weaknesses in the story (which wouldn't even register in a lesser show, but sticks out here since the rest is so immaculately constructed) and that the ending overextends on the emotions when the rest of the show is so reserved and dry in comparison. But those are only the reasons why I didn't give it perfect marks, and I almost did that anyway. 9/10

[umbrahighpriestofgiratina]

Divided I Fall

IT'S FINALLY DONE! I am so sorry this took so fucking long, it took me like a year to write because my art brain forcibly took over my body for a stupid amount of time but now it is DONE and you can SEE it with your EYEBALLS. Anyway... This, This is a project I have been planning for YEARS but took some stuff lining up just right for it to sift to the top of my oneshot backlog. It is, to keep it simple and not spoil too much, an origin story for a character that's shown up in my stuff before.

As one important note before I begin... This fic stars a character of a fakemon species known as Vahirom, created by @kynimdraws on Tumblr/kyleenim on Twitter, used with permission. If you steal it I will be offended on her behalf and personally boil your toes. Got it?

ANYWAY:

Divided I Fall

Zygarde had a dilemma.

Unova had too many humans and they had it too good. But there was nothing they could do to thwart them without letting the other Legends in on his game. What to do?

As they stewed on this, lurking on the edge of civilization, they looked up, and there they saw it.

A meteor, careening down toward the nearby hills. It crashed, sending out sparks of light and a shockwave, which Zygarde weathered easily. They were a god, after all.

"Lots of those since AZ broke the sky," they muttered.

They slithered through the earth until they got to the impact crater, emerging in its center to find, surprise surprise, a meteor. However, it was one they could tell was a Metionite, a kind made of an extremely rare, alien ore.

It was then they got an idea.

An awful idea.

Zygarde got a wonderful, awful idea.

They started burrowing their own cells into the Metionite, pumping it full of energy. Godly energy. Draconic energy. The Meteonite contracted and curved until it turned into a small gray orb.

Zygarde tapped it.

And it burst to life.

--------

What am I?

What is this place?

Those were my first thoughts as I gazed around, wide-eyed, until my eyes fell on a strange green and black titan.

"Who are you? Who am I?"

"I am Zygarde, the guardian of order, and you are my creation!" the titan said in a booming voice.

"You created me?"

"Yes! For one purpose!"

The titan pointred a claw to the southwest. "There's an infestation of these pests called humans around thataway. Deal with them for me."

I looked in that direction. Seemed simple enough.... But something didn't feel right.

"...Very well."

Tubes extended from my shoulders and attached to my tail as my wings flared. I took off.

-------

I arrived to find strange structures,domes, blocks and pyramids, and walking among them strange creatures. Were these the humans Zygarde mentioned? "Deal with them." What did that even mean?

I got closer and as I did they started acting strangely. They seemed... Afraid?

"You creatures! What are you?"

They were making loud screams now. They didn't seem less afraid. Maybe they couldn't understand me? How DO I talk to them then? Come on, think think think-

~-Think!~

Thehumans stopped, gazed up. I had communicated by... Thinking really hard?

~Uh... Humans! I mean you no harm! I just wish to... Deal with you!~

The humans started murmuring among each other before a more elaborate-looking human came forth.

"You, great dragon! What do you propose as a deal?"

Oh, I can understand THEM fine. But good question...

~Let me think.~

What do I even tell this person? I guess... If they were afraid of me, they had other things to be afraid of. That wasn't good. Maybe...

"If you give me shelter and a home, I will aid you however I can. Is that a satisfactory deal?"

The elaborate human slowly blinked several times slowly before rapidly nodding.

":We will accept your offer... B=but my warriors will keep an eye on you."

I looked to the "warrior" humans he spoke of. They were trembling. Everyone was looking at me with unease,

This would take some adjusting.

-------------

I was in my own corner of the city, surrounded by more of these warriors. They were taking shifts watching me, but they all seemed scared. Almost as if they felt if I tried anything they couldn't stop me.

I didn't feel like doing anything that needed stopping... but then I wasn't sure WHAT to do. I had made the deal with the humans but I wasn't sure how to enact i-

Just then I heard a roar, in the distance. The warriors looked to me, then to the source of the sound. They seemed confused that it wasn't me. Soon another warrior rushed up to them.

"T-there's a Scolipede trying to take over the farmland!"

"O-one of those? Why?"

"They're immensely territorial! It claimed the farms as its own!"

What was this beast? The humans needed help. But they wouldn't let me help...

...Then again they couldn't stop me.

I activated my tail turbine and lifted off as the warriors panicked, and I jetted off to where the other warrior had came from.

---------

When I arrived there was indeed a large, purple, insectoid Pokémon rampaging about. Several warriors and their Pokémon were trying to pierce its chitinous armor, to no avail. It was much bigger than the humans, that's for sure.

...But it was much smaller than me.

I flew ove4r to and landed right in front of it. It looked up but seemed unphased.

"What do YOU want?"

"I want you to stop bothering these humans."

"Why should I? This is MY turf." "No it's not. As far as I can tell the humans were here first." "Well it's mine now."

I narrowed my eyes. "Leave. Now."

The Scolipede scoffed. "Make me."

"If you insist."

I flicked him with a claw.

He went sailing back into a tree with a very loud thud and collapsed, unconscious.

Humans started gathering around, looking on in awe. Then they started cheering. It was only then I realized the magnitude of what I'd done.

-------------

Things changed after that rather quickly. Or, they did from my perspective anyway.

The humans, after that, regarded me as a protector. Not only that, they gave me authority. It wasn't much at first, I started as captain of the warrior, but as time went on and I helped the humans more and more I ascended to the right-hand mon of their rulers.

They called me Vahirom, or more commonly, the Iron Arbiter.

They adored me. And I grew to adore them. They cared for me and I cared for them back. And after time things changed. I learned how to alter my form to be like them.

It started simply, firsty with mimicking their speech, but then I started to learn how to alter my physical form, this way and that way, until I had come to resemble them in my own way. It was at that point the Iron Arbiter was both a dragon Pokémon and a human.

And someone didn't like that at all.

One day they returned, while I was alone, sitting on the throne the humans built for me. I looked up into their glowing green eyes as they glared down into mine.

"What is THIS? This isn't what you were supposed to be doing! And why do you LOOK like them?" They stomped a foot on the ground.

I sighed. "It is less intimidating to them than my natural draconic form. And why do YOU look like them? Don't you have forms that are oh so superior?" They winced, and in an instant cells swirled around them to return them to a more traditional serpentine form. "Only to subvert them, manipulate them. You do it for sick kicks! You were supposed to DESTROY them, not help them!"

"There is no need to destroy them. They are flawed yes, but have kindness and charity in their hearts if you know where to find it. I seek to bring that out in them. "You're wrong! All humans are a sin against the natural order! MY order! They need to be purged!"

"Your view is dangerous. And I will not have you threaten my people."

I grew and stretched and bent into my true, draconic form.

"You may have given me life, but I am not yours. They are not yours. Leave, or I will force you to."

Zygarde hesitated, then let out a long, pronounced hisss before disintegrating into cells and vanishing.

I sighed again, then resumed my post.

-----------

Decades passed, that turned into centuries. I saw many humans and their Pokémon come and go, and cherished them all dearly while they lasted.

But then one day two were born that would change my life forever, for better and for worse.

They were twins, born to the current queen and king. They were shown to me soon after they were born. They were lumpy and chubby as human babies were but they had fire and lightning in their eyes from the start.

And thus their parents named them Tentay and Pethakhon, Ancient Unova's words for fire and lightning. As usual, I was assigned to be their guardian. I did not realize then how special they would be to me - and how that would be my downfall.

-------------

The children grew quickly. Their tiny grasping hands grew inquisitive, groping for anything they could reach. At first, I let them pull and tug at my human form, but as they grew older and nimbler I allowed them to play on my dragon form as well.

Eventually they started to talk.

"Say mama!" "Say dada!" their parents clamored. But every time they both pointed at me and said "va va!"

They didn't care. They just laughed.

When they got old enough to learn, I was their teacher. I taught them.... Well, not everything I knew, I was too ancient and powerful for that, but I tried to teach them a good amount. And I definitely tried to answer their many questions.

"How old are you?" asked Tentay. "Older than you can comprehend."

"What's your favorite food?" asked Pethakhon.

"I do love corn cakes."

"Do your parents let you stay up past bedtime?" asked Tentay.

I had to pause and think about that one. My only "parents" were Zygarde and the stars, so...

"I don't listen to my parents. I do what I want."

The twins gasped and looked at each other eagerly. "You can DO that?" they said. I chuckled. "I can. You probably shouldn't until you get older."

The two visibly deflated.

"Not fair..." said Pethakhon.

"I guess we have to listen..." said Tentay.

"No way! We can't!" said Pethakhon. "But we gotta! Or we'll get in trouble!"

"Nuh-uh! We can do it!

I chuckled. By all means this was amusing.

And yet. Something deep inside felt off.

------------

It came suddenly, swiftly.

The king and queen fell ill, from a terrible disease. They were isolated, only taken care of by a select few.

It was too little, too late.

A grand funeral was held, several ceremonies, a feast, a fitting sendoff. But none of it filled the hole in all our hearts.

Especially not the twins'.

I visited their room afterwards., They were huddled in a corner together, curled up, sitting only a few inches apart. In human form to fit in the room, I pulled them into an embrace.

"I know better than to say it's all right, but... I am here for you."

"But... Mom and dad... They're gone forever," said Tentay.

"They're never coming back... What's gonna happen to us?" said Pethakhon.

I sighed. "I have seen many leave forever just as they did. I can escape it, it is both a gift and a curse, but for your kind it is inevitable. But it is not truly the end. You two will grow to be great, and your children, and your children's children, and so on. I assure you of this. You can pick up the pieces and carry on in their stead. They would want you to."

"...Okay, Va." said Pethakon.

"...I guess so, Va," said Tentay.

They nestled into my arms further. I patted their heads.

We stayed that way a while.

--------------

The two started to near adulthood for their kind, and thus I started teaching them how to rule. . ~Now, you two, I have a question.~

They both shifted in their seats in the courtyard we were in. Teenagers were antsy about being taught. Especially when their teacher was an ancient and powerful dragon.

~Say that there is a famine. What are your main options for dealing with such a thing?~

"Simple," said Tentay. "You spend the royal budget on improving the crops."

~Ah, but such a solution would be expensive... And could be unsustainable."~

"Then we improve the harvest infrastructure over time!" said Pethakhon enthusiastically.

~Yet that could take a long time. Too long. People could starve.~

"Well my method is clearly better!" said Tentay. "It gets more immediate results!"

"You're wrong!" said Pethakhon. "MY plan won't doom us all later!" "It MIGHT not. It will definitely make people starve."

"We have to consider the future!" "The future is NOW, Pethakhon."

"Moron!"

"Imbecile!"

The two continued arguing like this until they finally noticed me waggling a claw mockingly.

~Now now now. Have you considered these solutions aren't mutually exclusive?"

The two of them stared at me. Then started sheepishly rubbing their heads.

"You have a point..." said Tentay. "That could work.." said Pethakhon.

~See?" I said. "If you work against each other nothing gets done. But if you work together...~

"Yes, we understand the moral, well done," said Pethakhon. "Why must we learn things we know already?" said Tentay.

~Because with you two it bears repeating.~

The two blinked and staredbefore rubbing their heads sheepishly again.

"...You have a point," said Tentay.

"We'll. We'll work on it.." said Pethakhon.

I simply smirked.

------------

They quickly became adults, true kings of Unova, and soon their first test was upon them. The ruler of a desert kingdom smack dab in the middle of Unova was a Volcarona by the name of Heliana. Shee was called before them for a diplomatic meeting, and we all assembled on the border between the desert and greener land.

"Why hello there!" said Heliana, floating before us.

Tentay and Pethakhon stared then turned to me, each whispering.

"She, uh, is a little hard to--" Pethakhon started to say.

"She's a Pokémon, but she can't speak telepathically, so we can't understand her," said Tentay.

"...That." said Pethakhon.

I chuckled. ~Don't worry, I can translate. She just says hi.~

The two nodded and turned back to Heliana.

"Right, hello," said Pethakhon.

"Shall we get down to business?" said Tentay.

"Oh, yes, yes!" said Heliana. "There was a matter of grave importance I wished to speak of with you! It was... Oh, hm, what was it..."

"She isn't very professional," Tentay whispered.

"Shhh!" said Pethakhon, nudging him.

"Oh! I remember now! It was wood!" said Heliana.

"Wood?" said Pethakhon. "My kingdom doesn't exactly have many trees," said Heliana. "I want cedar in particular! I'll offer you our finest textiles and minerals in return!":

"Hmmm. But we need the cedar for-"

"Shhh!" said Pethakhon. "She's making us a great offer!"

"More like a ridiculous one. We can't give her all that cedar!" "But we need the minerals and textiles!"

"She hasn't even specified WHAT minerals and textiles! Think before you leap!" "Well ask her!"

"Fine!"

Tentay took a deep breath and looked Heliana straight in the compound eyes. "You're being awfully vague about what those "minerals" and "textiles" are... Could you be more specific?"

"Oh! Lots of iron, copper... and Silk! Me and my babies spun the silk ourselves!"

"Wait, the silk comes from-" Tentay started to say.

"Sounds great!" said Pethakhon. We'll-"

"No. We need that cedar."

~Now now you two.~ I said. ~Put your heads together. Your wants and needs aren't mutually exclusive.~

They stared. And blinked. And... Well they didn't literally put their heads together but they did start mutually putting their hands to their chins thinking.

"There's some places we could grow... Cedar groves?" said Tentay.

"Yes! And we could loan those groves out to you!" said Pethakhon.

"They would take a while to grow normally but our Grass-types can make them grow faster!" said Tentay.

"Excellent!" said Heliana. "It's a deal! And Hekla and Katla will get started on the silk straight away!"

"Hekla and Katla?" said Pethakhon.

"Who?" said Tentay.

It was then two Larvesta emerged from Heliana's fuzz and divetackled Tentay and Pethakhon each with cries of "Friend! Friend! Friend!"

"My children!" said Heliana. "They spin the finest silk in all the land!"

"Well they sure are cute," said Pethakhon, holding up Hekla to get a good look at her.

"Easy little one," said Tentay, cradling Katla.

I just smiled.

---------------

I was in my throne room, and human again. I was alone, and it was quiet... until I heard a telltale slithering again.

"...Hello Zygarde."

The serpent congeals in a flash from their cells before me.

"You're still doing this. Why are you still doing this."

"They appreciate my help. And they are clearly better in my hands than yours."

The snake withed, their form rippling.

"Look, if you can't stop yourself from messing MY order up, I WILL."

I scoffed. "How?"

"You're awfully fond of those two humans, aren't you?"

My eyes widened. I clenched my fingers on my seat. "...Petty threats will get you nowhere."

"Oooh, I struck a nerve, didn't I? Don't worry, I won't do anything to them... Physically anyway. Unless you try to warn them that is, in which case I can always arrange an accident...."

I shifted to dragon form, knocking several things over in the process. "What are you planning, Zygarde?"

"How does the saying go, something something for me to know and you to find out?"

I roared and slashed at them with a claw, but before I made contact they scattered into cells and disappeared from whence they came. Guards rushed into the room shortly after. "Arbiter! Is everything all right?"

I panted heavily, looking at where Zygarde had gone, before turning to the guard.

~It's... It's fine. Just spooked by a shadow.~

--------------

From there it became apparent something was very quickly going wrong.

It started small at first. The brothers being more snippy with each other than they were before. But it soon blew up into full-on arguments, and everything I had raised them to do was falling apart before my eyes.

I knew exactly why.

I stalked the halls of the castle until I found a hound, ducking and weaving through the corridors.

"You!"

The hound stopped, looking smug. "What is it?"

"What are you doing to them?"

"Oh nothing much. A lie about one here, a rumor about the other there, did you realize exactly how easy it is to turn them against each other?"

"How... How dare you!"

I fired a metallic burst, a small-scale version of my Origin Flare, but they were already gone, and the brilliant beams of light only sank into the corridor, reducing chunks of it to rubble.

It was then I panicked. As long as Zygarde could keep spreading their lies...

...There was nothing I could do.

------------

Soon enough came a day that would come down in history as a fateful one.

The two of them were having a particularly heated, particularly philosophical argument about the future of the kingdom. Said argument was happening in the throne room, right in front of me, a dragon silently watching as their two human charges escalated to potential civil war right before their eyes.

"Do you really think your deluded visions would ever lead this kingdom to greatness?" said Tentay, "Your ideals will only bring ruin!"

"Your plan is built on a flawed foundation," said Pethakhon, "and faulty delusions of truth!"

It was becoming all too clear for me.

They would not reconcile this time.

I would have to choose one.

...But I couldn't.

I couldn't possibly-

One side of me wanted one. Another wanted the other.

But I couldn't choose.

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn-

CRACK

-------------

When I awoke, I could not move. I had reverted to the God Stone I use to sleep and could not get out.

But I could see everything. I could see Tentay and Pethakhon beholding two dragons that I quickly realized had split off from me, by sheer will to leave neither one behind. I could also see I had rolled off to the side, where no one could see me.

But if those two pieces of me were out there... What was the rest of me doing in here?

As I wondered this I witnessed the argument between the two brothers escalate further, and eventually they stormed out of the room.

Time passed. Day turned into night. Then the serpent came.

"Well well well, that was an entertaining show. I knew your powers were unstable but I never expected them to do THAT. Oh well, it works out for me plenty - those two idiots you were so protective of will decimate humanity by their actions, and those bits of you that spawned for them will only help.

I wriggled in my prison, trying desperately to escape and put Zygarde in their place. They noticed and chuckled.

"Oh how foolish. Don't try too hard to escape dear. You don't know what schisming off so much of your power has done to you."

Their form rippled.

"And besides. It's too late for you. I've already won."

He gave a hearty, echoing laugh as he dissipated into cells and disappeared.

----------

Throughout the night, I continued to wriggle and squirm. I HAD to fix this, I HAD to prove Zygarde wrong, I HAD to-

And then I broke free.

And then I felt it.

I could tell I was not the being I used to be. I felt weak. I felt empty. There was a gnawing hunger and emptiness at the bottom of my soul that I could not overcome.

I staggered through the hallways of the castle, in confusion and pain, when I came upon two guards, who recoiled at my approach.

"H-Halt! What monstrous kind of P-Pokémon are you?" said one.

I looked at that guard. And I hungered. The emptiness gnawed at me as I yearned for something to fill it.

I lunged.

The other guard screamed as my fangs sunk into his compatriot. I started devouring him, purely by instinct, rending flesh from bones.

"M-Monster! Monster!"

It is then I snapped back to my senses and realized exactly what I was doing.

I tried to say, "Wait, no, you don't understand!" but all it came out as was staticky buzzing. Then the guard fled.

Overwhelmed with grief, shock, and horror, it was then I did the same, leaving the tall pyramid castle I had called my home for centuries and never turning back.

-----------

I holed up in the crater I had first crash-landed in from thereon out, never emerging. Still, I saw many things.

I saw Unova burnt by a deluge of fire and electricity.

I saw Unova rebuild, become more technologically advanced, more close totheir Pokémon, then further away, then closer again.

I saw people settle the area where I lived, and grow to fear me as others had.

I saw one bit of kindness from a boy from those people.

I saw the white dragon that split from me return, join with me once more, filling my emptiness but causing her unbearable pain that racked me with guilt.

I saw all this, but one thing remained the same, for the most part.

I was alone. And I was unsure if that would ever truly change.

So all I could do was mourn all I had lost.

***

Bit of a downer, huh. But I hope you enjoyed it! WILL Kyurem's situation get better? We'll have to find out later - I've got other shit I've really got to get to writing.

[elia-de-silentio]

RECAP ON LUNA

This time, I want to talk about one of the most mysterious characters in The Case Study of Vanitas: Vanitas of the Blue Moon, more recently known as Luna.

So, only a few days till next chapter ... will I be able to squeeze in another recap?

The legend of Vanitas of the Blue Moon is the very first thing we learn. A very straightforward story: a kid is born with a characteristic they have no control over, but it's still hated by others; and is thereby exiled and sent to die. In the face of such cruelty, the victim turns villain, and creates a magic book that will allow them to exact vengeance upon those who mistreated them.

As I said, a straightforward story. Almost suspiciously so.

But the next things we learn about Vanitas are not exactly flattering, either. Our Vanitas, who for practicality (laziness) purposes will therefore be known as Vany, claims that he wants to avenge himself of something Vanitas did him, and to do so, he inherited their name and book to completely subvert their purpose. And he reacts quite angrily at the idea that he 'respects' Vanitas in any shape or form.

Moreover, Vanitas left on him a 'Mark of Possession', that imbued the human with a portion of their power, which allows him to use the Book. Vany shows the mark to everyone at a ball, and causes a panic. So far, Vanitas' reputation has been pretty terrifying.

But then, chapter 17 rolls in. And we seen Vanitas in a very different light: someone who would raid the laboratory of a mad scientist, only to take pity on two children imprisoned there, free them and taking care of them, to the point that Misha refers to him as 'Father'. (Even if what little is seen of their appearence looks pretty feminine. And Vany calls them a woman. Maybe they were transgender, and Vany, being the mysoginistic ass that he is, happily ignored their chosen pronouns? In absence of other information, I use 'them' to be on the side of caution).

And later Vanitas' appearences are similar: they are depicted as a teacher, someone who is willing to let their protegès in with the secrets of their Book.

Then, Gevaudan Arc. In the attempt to cure Chloè, Vany must use his Mark of Possession. Which gives quite a lot of new information.

First of all, Vanitas' True Name: Luna. It means literally Moon in Latin (and derivated languages such as Spanish and Italian). And that's quite a relief, since Vanitas literally means 'emptiness', 'worthlessness', and to be named like that, you've got to have some shitty parents.

'Vanitas' was likely a derogatory name they received in a later moment ... or maybe the 'regular name', such as Amelia for 'Florifel', in which case the shitty parents theory still stands. We don't know much about how vampires are given their regular and true names.

By the way, that implies Vany didn't truly hate them: that syllabe he muttered when he was feverish in chapter 27 wasn't Lou as originally translated, but 'Lu'(na). So, despite the hatred for vampires he had when he was younger, despite keeping the distance, despite his proclaims of vengeance, he didn't hate them. Then why does he save vampires?

Again: the Mark will 'rewrite' him. We do not know what does this exactly mean: Luna's personality will replace his own? Or will he become something else entirely?

In any case, it seems that its use is reserved for emergencies and not 'regular' cures, given how far it has spread in this one instance. But of course, given the direction that the story seems to be taking, it's likely that Vany will be forced to use it again and again.

Lastly, it means that it is a pretty uncommon mark: Vany has another one, by Jeanne, and it doesn't seem to bother him in any similar way.

And later in chapter 43, after his little ... uh, rendez-vous? with Jeanne, we have another flashback. Which, instead of depicting Luna as someone who would give their pupil a mark that will 'rewrite' him, depicts them as someone who gives loving, sensitive advice, showing understanding to a kid pretty hostile towards them. Also, they seem to anticipate that they will be 'gone', which leads us to ...

This. Misha finally says out loud that Vany killed Luna. But he himself doesn't know why.

Also, the kid is equipped with another Book of Vanitas, unmentioned by the original story, but that he seems to be using in a very similar way to which it was originally told.

By the way, Vanitas must have been dead by quite a while now. Vany inherited also their cute little hourglass charm, that he wear as a hearring; in Dante's flashback, when he seems a few years younger than now, he's already wearing it.

All in all, the resulting picture is of a very ambiguous figure. A victim of prejudice turnes vengeful monster, or a savior of tortured children? An abusive parental figure who would give a dangerous mark toa kid, or a kindly mentor, who would teach both magic and emotions?

Personally, I wonder how much 'consent' was involved both in their marking of Vany and his killing of them. Did Vany agree to get the Mark? Did Luna want to be killed, since she was anticipating to be outlived by the kids even if vampires live longer than humans? How meaningful was exactly this 'consent', if there was? Vany is eighteen now, and as mentioned, he looks a bit younger in the flashbacks. How old was he, exactly, when he was marked and killed his parental figure?

I think this ambiguity is reflected in the two Books of Vanitas. The original tale was incorrect: there is not only one terrifying grimoire, but there are two, one that gets used to harm vampires and another used to cure them. I would also like to point out that, despite sharing some key characteristics (those mentioned in the tale), there are actually a few design differences between the Books. So, it's possible that their content is also different. But why making something that could be used to cure vampires, if Luna hated them all so much? And why giving the two books to their two pupils - maybe they were meant to work together, instead of abandoning and fighting each other?

Again, I'm too much of a coward cautious individual to make theories that could be jossed, especially with the next chapter and possible answers so close. But still, I hope this recap can be useful to someone.

Thank you for reading!

[flauntpage]

No, Gisele Didn't Reveal the Pats Are Cheaters This Week

Welcome to the NFL Underground Mailbag. Ask Chris Harris your question about the NFL, general sports or cultural minutiae at HeyHarris@HarrisFootball.com . Follow him @HarrisFootball .

Zachary W.: Does Gisele outing Tom Brady's concussion(s) from last season confirm the Patriots are cheaters?

For the uninitiated, Brady's wife Gisele gave an interview to Charlie Rose in which she let slip that she thinks about her husband retiring because football is violent and because he suffered at least one concussion in 2016 and, she stammeringly implied, others throughout his career.

Is the potential "cheating" outrage here that the Patriots didn't list Brady on the injury report, and doing so might've changed defensive approaches against him ("For God's sake, hit him on the head with that anvil!")? Is the outrage that the Pats subverted the on-field concussion-evaluation rule, so his rightful place was on the sidelines rather than generating the greatest comeback in NFL history?

I get that some people equate Brady/Belichick/Kraft/Patriots with Trump, and view New England's fifth title as proof that there's no God. But at some point, aren't we doing the same the kind of insane dot-connecting and selective reasoning that sends us up a tree about Trump? In our hearts, we assume everybody in the NFL suffers concussions, everybody in the NFL plays whilst needle-prodded by Toradol, and everybody in the NFL does HGH. We know this. So why do some folks—not necessarily Zachary, but some folks—let this stuff make them crazy?

When the dots get connected. Photo by Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

A quarterback who's been sacked 417 times in his career and played 9,167 career NFL snaps, like Brady has, has suffered tons of concussions. It's axiomatic. One reason Brady is the greatest of all time is he's such a maniac that he doesn't ever come off the field unless his ACLs snap.

I grew up in Boston and can't help my own Patriots fandom. I thoroughly acknowledge that if I'd had a choice in the matter, I would hate them and root against them, as we all root against dynasties and arrogant-seeming out-of-market teams and players. But the easiest way to appear an idiot is to say, "They're cheaters, everything they ever won is tainted!" rather than acknowledge they're great. I loathed the Yankee dynasty of the 1990s, but do I run around screaming about Jeffrey Maier and Chuck Knoblauch's phantom tag and Tino Martinez taking strike three? I don't, because it's obvious that Yankee team was the best of its era and one of the best ever, and I prefer not to appear a fool. The extent to which a person engages in conspiracy theories in sports is a pretty good IQ test.

Ted F.: Why is NFL in-game announcing so bad? Will it get better with high-profile former players moving into the broadcast booth?

It's not all bad. Many of the play-by-play guys are a delight. Off the top of my head, I enjoy Al Michaels, Ian Eagle, Kevin Harlan, and, lately, Kevin Burkhardt. Cris Collinsworth is an astonishing analyst. I guess some viewers just don't like smart people, but Collinsworth never ceases to amaze me: he'll see something in real time that's unique and insightful and hard to notice, and alert us to keep it in mind as we watch the replay, and damn if he isn't right a lot of the time.

But let's face it: Collinsworth is the exception, because ex-players and ex-coaches are almost universally a scourge on intelligent analysis.

When you're an exception to the rule. Photo by Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports

They fall back on clichés. They hammer predetermined narratives. Most importantly, they shy away from criticizing players. Jon Gruden blows so much sunshine up our national skirt on Monday nights, I'm surprised we all don't shit rainbows.

But I guess there's your answer: the average fan doesn't want insight. He or she wants comfort. How else do you explain the appeal of terminally edgeless Jim Nantz? In some quarters of our narcotized culture, appearing smart is a cardinal sin. (It was once relayed to me that, speaking about my TV career, one higher-up in production at ESPN said, "Nobody likes the smartest guy in the room.") And if the average viewer doesn't care about—or actively eschews!—learning, why not increase your broadcast's Q-rating with some lovable doofus saying, "Turnovers certainly derailed their opportunity to play at a high level on offense."

Will Tony Romo joining CBS change any of this? Of course not! Romo is universally known as a nice guy, he's friends with everyone in the league, and he and Nantz will almost certainly fall all over each other to say things like "They can measure how fast you run and how high you jump, but they can't measure your heart."

I guess I give Jay Cutler a slight chance to be better, because I'm pretty sure he has no friends in or out of the NFL.

Kyle P.: Weather-wise, what's your favorite season?

Most of the year, I live in the hellscape of western Massachusetts, where apparently we've decided we're way too hearty to need wimpy transitional trappings like "spring" or "fall." I spent the winter in Los Angeles (more on that in a moment) and returned April 29, whereupon it rained here for three weeks and never got above 50. Suddenly we got to Wednesday and it was 93. As far as I can tell, the world has menopause.

(Incidentally, those who would tell you that a native population's ability to withstand shitty weather is some indication of character and backbone are the same people who tell you The Fountainhead really kicks into high gear around page 600. Do not listen to these people.)

Fortunately, I work from home and am somewhat personally unlovable (therefore I have no wife or children), and thus I have nothing that forces me to endure what is no doubt objectively the shittiest season in northern climates: winter. Often, therefore, I go someplace warm for the winter and have a grand old time.

So, perversely, I'll say my favorite season is winter, because I can run and hide.

When you're in hiding. Photo by Timothy T. Ludwig-USA TODAY Sports

Lance A.: Why is the NFL really about to shorten the length of its overtime ? It's not actually about player safety, right?

Hm. I assume not?

After all, the entire league seems designed for the express purpose of destroying its labor force. These are the same owners who are barreling headlong toward an 18-game regular season. So this is probably evil.

Possible evil angles:

* More ties will trigger obscure stadium-finance clauses that require local municipalities to pay for chocolate fondue fountains in owners' luxury suites.

* More ties will allow Vegas wise guy with incriminating Mark Davis photos to collect on "There will be more ties this season than Pacman Jones arrests" wager.

* More ties will make Donovan McNabb cry.

Jon: LeGarrette Blount to the Eagles. Winning combo?

Hm. I assume not?

Aptly nicknamed "LB," the hefty Blount gained notoriety as a T.J. Duckett–esque fantasy football hero last season, serving as Tom Brady's goal-line caddie. Unfortunately, he's not actually very good at playing football. Heck, until his Patriots days, he hadn't even been very good at short-yardage rushing, even at 250-plus pounds:

Really, though, numbers don't do Blount's trash-baggery justice.

I've watched him with great rooting interest over portions of the past four seasons, and he's fairly certain he's Warrick Dunn. Too often, he turns his shoulders perpendicular to the play and starts lumbering toward the sideline, only to be tripped up by faster (read: every) defensive players. The dude is a frontrunner's frontrunner. If you're up by two touchdowns? Blount is your guy. But if you need him in a tight road game against Denver, he vanishes.

If I'm an Eagles fan, most worrisome is this:

There's a reason the Patriots signed Mike Gillislee, traded for Rex Burkhead, and renewed James White instead of keeping the man who just gave them 18 TDs. It's because they know Blount is 30 and not good. I don't begrudge the Eagles taking a shot. If Carson Wentz is ready to make a big leap behind a good offensive line, maybe Philly will need a close-in TD machine.

But it's likelier that Blount gets caught blazing in Wendell Smallwood's SUV.

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