#it doesnt matter if ur not an artist bc this is ART!! AND I AM IN LOVE WITH IT!!!!!!

[howlonomy]

I wish to present you:

My attempt to draw Determined Clover (I am not an artist so if things seem out of proportion that is why)

I decided to give them Zenith Martlet's wings and Ceroba/Kanako's mask as a face design to reference the final bosses that they befriend in Pacifist. (Also since Zenith Martlet's wings are (possibly) black on the outside, that's why their black in the colored version.)

I had a lot of fun making this because the drawing you made of Determined Clover vs. No Mercy Clover was very cool and I wanted to try and make it into an actual Undertale Battle Scene (everything in this has been drawn by hand). Enjoy :)

WHHHAAATTT THIS LOOOKS SO COOLLLL!!!! the battle UI looks amazing for it all by hand?!?! and the wings and cerobas mask markings are so bigbrained, i might have to steal those elements for their official design (/lh)

THIS IS AWESOME THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DRAWING THEM!!!! THIS IS AMAZING

[lywnx]

hello!!!! I'm thinking of starting commissions and was wondering if you have any advice? I don't want to do anything super serious yet, my skill isn't good enough yet, but I figure for 7 bucks someone somewhere may want something I'm willing to draw.. idk you do comms and your art is very pretty so I figure you'd be a good person to ask

AWW thank you!! this is gonna be a bit long sooooo!! more under the cut!!

the first thing is to not undercharge your work. some artists start by selling their work for 1usd, 2usd and think this might make others more interested bc its cheap right? but thts not how it works. the price you put is how much your comm is WORTH. when i first came back to instagram (with NO following) my prices were $10 for a bust, $15 for a halfbody and $25 for a fullbody. keep in mind i worked faster back then but my quality wasnt the same that it is today. so generally u should aim for similar prices, this way youre not losing too much and not underselling yourself. even if it doesnt take long to draw, people are still paying for ur knowledge and time. doesnt matter if u take 20 mins or 3 hours. n its likely to get peoples attention too, since a $15 piece might be better in quality than a $1 piece right? once youve got a stable income, you can start by upping your prices. i always like to tell people to keep a difference between prices since each piece is very different. a fullbody by me costs $95 today, for the fact the composition takes a bit to create, its a more complex piece, etc. so dont go with 15 - 20 - 25. try to go with 10 increments at the very LEAST. 'oh but i am not getting as much comms anymore!!' ur working less for more money. now ur taking ONE $40 commission instead of 3 $15 commissions. another thing is, giving how all social medias are not fit for artists right now, things will be a bit harder. when i first started i had access to twitter and instagram algorithm wasnt so bad. nowadays, differnt story. but do NOT let this stop you. take advantage from all sites available to you, promote your art everywhere. a good tip is to be present online. interact with your public, others, share their works, create a community. this is what matters the most. this is what will get you far. i also reccomend discord serves tons (u can join mine! its on my carrd), as u can reach even more people. try to keep ur social media as active possible. but also REMEMBER TO TAKE BREAKS. ur mental health is also important and burnout is something serious. no matter how hard this can be, u got this. remember, that artist that gets $300 in a comm also had to start somewhere. u can do this.

[cedobols]

nicee thanks for the advice!!! the community aspect is what made me want to make an art tumblr but ig i think i don't draw often enough for it to work out. anyways thanks, i'l think it through and i might actually start posting <3

the community on here is wonderful. i owe everything to those here that have taken the time to like, reblog and send little asks/messages of support and love. like i genuinely wldnt be where i am art-wise (and self-esteem wise) if it werent for my friends & followers on here. ive not felt that anywhere else.

i dont think u have to post regularly in order to maintain ur audience! (im sure it helps algorithmically) i think its only important when ur starting out bc it helps get ur name out there & build a circle around u. but after people mentally clock u as an artist that contributes to the community (if thats what u want to be!) then posting a lot doesnt matter! and ill try boost ur art and help u out if u decide to make an art blog!!

[soggypotatoes]

art therapy was actually life changing for me. sometimes on here/twitter i see ppl talking about feeling so stuck in their art, or like art has become stressful for them - but they often dont seem to consider art therapy, or even just something as simple as changing the medium. i drew a lot for years, but a lot of the time i was forcing myself to draw, bc i wanted to make art and it was the only way i knew. i havent drawn a single thing in art therapy, and ive done a lot of it now - today i taped together some pictures of deer, chose some letters to make up a word, painted them to camouflage in with the pictures and u know what? it looks amazing, and it MEANS something, it means a lot actually. there are layers to it. and it wasnt even hard!!!! it wasn’t a struggle, it didn’t make me anxious, and i wasn’t relying on skill borne from years of practicing - i was just making, having fun, playing around with materials and creating something that released some pain inside me i’d been holding onto. i wish i could tell all the artists struggling who feel like all they can do is draw - you gotta make something else, babes. you gotta explore a bit more. art is so much more than just trying to get an eye right or whatever. stick some garbage together!!!! u deserve it

[misterbitches]

I ship muren and li cheng bc i only saw it through gifs then i watched this episode cos i was like im only starting this show if they kiss im waiting and they did and it was nice and i got so anxious that i was about to fucking vomit. I really like them together. The top/bottom shit is dumb and i hope if they must mention it they all build a bridge and get over it so they can switch cos who gives a shit. I didnt realize how large they all are like most “tall” men on tv are lying. But bc that kid is so thin and tall and the other one (idk the stepbrother) is huge too. Li cheng is shorter than them both but more ~manly~ but still short so why doesnt he take a DICK UP HIS BUTT XD since that’s all that fucking matters and there’s only 2 genders and 2 eays to have sex lmao so nothing else otherwise ur screwed

Hd a terrible past couple of weeks personally and because i keep seeing my peopl eget murdered and things ripped from us ^_____^ anyway here’s Some libertatrian communist dumb bitch discoars so i’ll tag it:

keep in mind these are my opinions’”” when i engage in discourse. I am not the end all be all and I don’t need you to agree. There’s some shit I am non-negotiable on but thsi is just exchanging of information. Any authoratative tone I take on comes from my beliefs, my life, my experiences, and what I choose to cultivate as a person and an artist. I dont have control over your feelings, you do. If it hurts you then either tell me the issue and be PRECISE about it, understand that context matters which is why i type so much in engagement, and do not fucking lie or misconstrue my words. Do not call me western ever in your life either. I am a black-american. I have adhd and bc i am a black woman if ur automatically thinking im brolic i am accepting money in my paypal for ur wellbeing to get me to shut the fuck up.Thanks.

The stepbrothers storyline is stupid and lazy writing. I really want to counter people that say it’s written well and that it’s interesting because it isn’t. Even if it was illicit and fucked we can write a story out about this. Let’s rethink what they could have done shall we:

- become stepbrothers at about 16 and their parents mismanage the relationship and they fail in trying to get an integrated family together (this is what happened in the #iconic transit girls and that was fuckin’ weird but hey dude guess what we watched it and it was weird but not unethical and we know one is like 19 and the other is 21 and a girl so it’s like wow you avoided so much and handled their stepsister story very…….um lightly given the end lmao but it was there and people had AGENCY)

-OR you realize that freak is obsessed with him and then he realizes it and is like “bitch i swear to god” and in typical shtity trope BL fashion they can find a way from obsession, to loss and independence when you lose your obsession, to “love” if they choose

- have the fucked up shit but make it clear what the issues are and you literally cannot write your way out of it so do not try

But why can’t fucked up things be shown? Also this is realistic.

0. Well according to you but no one said that they can’t. So that’s on your interpretation of critique (that is, again, not bullying or harassment.) They can, i just gave plenty of scenarios in which it is affective and not just annoying to witness, trope-y, and frankly ridiculous and offensive. Sorry! They don’t do it well. You can come up with alternatives too. See #2 btw.

1. No it isn’t doing a good job of reflecting life because life has consequences. The exaggeration in drama doesn’t mean the arc shouldn’t be there. Almost always things that aren’t heavy with the message or meant to be sobering in a deep way are COMPELLING. The realism is the basis for art because we are human. This is not the way real humans act.

Someone said Tharn Type was mature and I had to laugh because no, no one acts that way and is “in love” if they act that way that means they fucking hate each other and they’re immature and frankly it’s just not that interesting for many of us to watch because the dramatization of the “realism” is fucking bonkers. That was such poor writing it is unbelievable and someone has the audacityt o say it’s how real adults act. Fucking murder me if I’m with someone for 7 years and we break up over a miscommunication and for some reason I am not as horny as my always horny boyfriend. The fuck? What kind of lives do you lead? Either you are not an adult or you are an adult who needs therapy.

I also hear the “realistic” argument but then people try and temper it with “but also it’s fiction.” What do you think fiction is? Why do you think filmmaking exists? Number one, it’s propaganda in the sense that you want others to buy into your presentation and see what you see. That means that the creators are telling people and influencing them WITH ART BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS about their feelings around a situation. That’s why it is imperative to be responsible as a filmmaker and artist and underline the deepness of creepiness if that’s what they want. If they want to relay that rape sometimes ok and psychos are crazy so they get boy (??!?!?!? BITCH?) then they achieved it with no innovative information. We know people get raped bc we are human beings and many of us live with that fear. You know, being the target demo and all. And bc BL loves that trope it’s rape fantasy peddled to young people and women. Just like shitty wattpad fics or NYT best sellers. Hooray, what now? Or are you trying to purport that this isn’t glorified fanfiction? Which it literally is

2. This is the issue with these shows. No one is saying that fucked up shit cannot be shown. There’s a film about a woman who is raped and she falls in love with her rapist (because he was masked but i think we find out later that she knows. Binoche is in it.) I have no desire for that film—i think it’s by a man and i extra dont care—but I hear it’s sort of powerful for many. I heard it was a good film. But the act itself is always eschewed and the conflict comes from how fucking ridiculous it is especially finding out that she knows. The power imbalance adn the possibility. They may not have handled it in a way I would have cared for but it was there.

There’s simply no imagination because these people do not care that much and aren’t great writers and filmmakers because they simply do not have to be. Sorry.

The industry doesn’t rely on the best they rely on efficiency (this is everywhere.) You can tell by the camera angles, the editing, the camera itself (idk if it is multicam but the flatness is typical soap flatness without the glowboxes to soften their faces.) Simple constant lighting. Now the surroundings are mostly beautiful. But even to some of the costumes. And those edits are abysmal, some of that camera work.

So with all that said even with the couple I extremely enjoy I see its (H4) faults. Add into that a lazily thrown together “shocking” love and if they are trying to get us to feel a type of way about its sexiness they fail. This is why movies like 50sog, 365 days, etc aren’t enjoyable to people because it’s fucking strange situations that they dont want to entangle or make enjoyable to viewers across the board. They know what people will take. It’s just that bitch what are we here for if even the sexiness isn’t there for ur stupid story.

At least with that teenager and 30 yr old man in MODC (which i do not love but i like them in theory if it wasnt totally repulsive to me and also if it was developed in a way that was good TO ME) they had their, er, “sex appeal” i talk about this as well the main couple in MODC to me, visually, was a miss. Not bc whatshisface was small and stuff but bc he was so sickly and they needed that to propel the story but it was just not appealing given how the story progressed. A missed opportunity in tying the two together besides making him look waif-y and sickly only to have the “did ur mom die in a car crash? No, cancer” type of move in not another teen movie. But the opposite. And not funny. Wayne tho????? GORL. Eggs. Cracked.

fandoms have a very warped sense of harrassment and discourse.

Most fandoms have harassers who are “protecting” the cast and crew who don’t need their protection (or maybe the crew does since they probably dont get paid well but why the fuck would anyone care about that lol) but very few have the people who have concerns or massive critique about the show are not going to be “bullying.”

If people are saying “if you like xyz, u suck” then sure it may suck for you to see but who fucking cares. Either talk to the person or don’t be friends with them. That is not bullying or harrassment. Things that are shitty get criticized. Fuck, things that aren’t shitty don’t. Get away from this idea of cancel culture and people misunderstanding the story. We have the ability to.

Think beyond your noses of personal preference. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them.

And guess what? You won’t like everybody. Many people can’t stand me i’m sure. Oh well. I mean frankly I don’t like that and I feel very unsettled when I don’t feel understood. That’s ok! I have to temper it. Sometimes calm myself down. I won’t get anything and everything I want. And you won’t like every opinion and sometimes it’s like “man am i a dummy?” But the part of growing up is fucking maanging that and beng honest about “bashing and harrassment” and “bullying” and growing up. Yuo can like what you want the “let people like what they want thing” is so fucking juvenile and THAT is not the real world. Which is probably why so many people feel that way, they dont want to live in the real world. Unfortunately, you do.

Think beyond our noses of personal preference and what we feel emotionally in conjunction with others. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. And you can say things that you believe to be true but it doesn’t make them so or maybe it isn’t received that way to people. And many times we learn new things in the discussions “oh shit i didn’t see it that way” right? Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them. Usually the “opposition” in these situations aren’t the popular beliefs that permeate through society. Trust me lmao

Antiblackness

Antiblackness is a thing. It permeates everywhere. It permeates in this genre and it permeates in fandom. Get it the fuck together. Also do not conflate cultural relativism with being repsectful. They are not barbarians, they are smart human beings either making work or deciding to. We all have diff cultures but we have fucking sense in what is respectful and not. And if we don’t we fucking learn. You cannot excuse things and say “oh culture” when you have 0 idea of that culture or actual people who are radical etc and are fighting against it. Additionally the word westerner is an ignorant term when referring to people in the US or UK who are black. Because we are not. We extend sympathy to other groups and empathy since we know so there is no inherent power imbalance between a black viewer and their subject. Don’t suggest that because it’s wrong and ahistorical and contextless.

FIRST the fallacy of representation as freedom makes people fucking complacent, individualistic, and doesn’t let them think critically. Consumption and discourse around consumption is not helping material conditions of the marginalized communities in your home, the black ones who are ignored, those intersectionalized in these communities. Groups talk about art and what it means for them outside of just what we see and because we also don’t have access to a bunch of Thai reviews or what movements or going on we are less likely to know if we don’t FUCKING SEARCH for it. Because art is constant...which leads me to....

Representation is difficult. It matters and it doesn’t.

Tthese shows are not meant to overturn the LGBTQ+ community.

There are queer filmmakers and artists in these countries. Deep illustrious film careers or even TV that is moving and deliberate. We can even see it with the dude from “your name engraved” in their short series he was in beforehand. BL is no wa pejorative because it is simply not “qu**r” storytelling whatever that means. But know it has always existed everywhere and there are also out artists or radical artists in all these countries who do no respect mediums that are cash-grabs and poorly made.

ex: As much as “Like in the Movies” sort of isnt for me and is a bit hamfisted you can tell how much love goes into that. Love of the characters, acting, and message. Yes it’s cringey to see some of the lines (like very tbh subtlety wasnt exactly their strong suit) and yea naming them after lenin and marx is just 0ihgoaudgijposkagjihou BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY FUCKING DID IT. THEY TRIED. And class was a large component as well bc u cant fuckin ignore it. The show is aware of the machinations in its world as a show but also in the philippines and for a fuckin reason. And duatarte? Loooooooool so like yea not so sure bl makes him love his ppl but the show isnt trying to do that

It’s not a transgressive genre and it has no reason to be. No ethical anything under the way we live it’s just trying your fucking best to be. That’s it. They serve societal ills and capital’s purposes. Which is fine but it is not revolutionary.

These countries in SEA or even SA do not have as big budget for even mainstream dramas—though things are changing and that’s bc REVENUE like revenue from kpop is fucking huge for SK and again so much about that is bc of what happened in their history from japanese imperialism to WWII to the US—so for “queer” stuff it is sort of now important to make that an export and it sure is one. Not only globally or to the west but a lot of these places make their money within asia (duh!) outside of their countries. OBVIOUSLY. so BL is a way to output and gain money. The thing is, it doesnt seem to be put back into the industry at all. For people in all these countries to make works that aren’t for mainstream or wont reach as many people there’s a difference between trying and just shoving shit in your face and going here it’s gay you like it right? But dont antagonize the inherent patriarchal nature of BL.

Another thing: did you guys know thailand was never colonized? You should look it up. There’s little hints of things in ITSAY to represent french influence still. Isnt that fascinating? Find out why. It’s certainly interesting that the representation, though damaging and dubious many times and also incorrect like any media, is huge in asia and this isnt a commodity here (the US) exactly. A lot of that has to do with colonial ideas of gender of which I am sure. But listen………lmao

Sometimes people dont give a shit. And it very much shows. Here is the thing once again. GOOD TRANSGRESSIVE WORK exists.

Een within the capitalist Bs paradigm or you can see people trying (I can sort of applaud parts of lovely writer) also queer media has always existed everywhere the reason you don’t know about it is because it gets takena nd commodified into a mainstream product. We hvae little incentive, particularly if we are not fans of cinema or art in gen, to search fror others when the output is right here. Being dictated by others and the state and who will give you money. No longer an effort of a cast and crew who want to convey things. But google [any country] independent cinema, radical cinema, queer radical cinema, or even retrospectives on the cinema and rethinking what is queer and radical in film. What if we took that, diluted it, got rid of the creators who put themselves through all the work, ignroe al the nuances and do……………….two actors who are conventionally attractive with no chemistry making out.

It’s the same here lets say daniel kaluuya winning the oscar for the film about the BPP. I heard it was okay and not too offensive but it still isnt’ enough. It still isn’t like hwood isn’t trash, nnati black, misogynistic towards BW and women, and all that other shit. It was pushy but it can’t be enough where we are. Black KKKlansmen i think won an oscar, by circumstance i fuckin hate these award shows they mean nothing, and i like the film a lot but he has his misogynoir still resting in his films even if it is poignant. And it was a film that honestly wasn’t really made for black people. And should all art be a response to direct trauma or trying to make ourselves palatable when we’re just human?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and it’s importance (capitalism) but also sorta individual responsibility

Considering a lot of these actors are rich and then just dip that’s another problem. Mainstream isn’t what sustains marginalized art ever. It doesn’t change in the vast ways we think it does. What changes is the people of these groups pushing, fighting, forcing and then capitalism trying to make it work under capitalism. It will not. It cannot.

This is why artists and labels often don’t mix or you see people like Sonic Youth doing whatever they want and pissing off their label but making them give them money. Same with Nirvana. Vince Staples. The thing is they can fight and make good shit but what capitalism helps people….not care? They don’t respect the audience? We’re getting those returns on poor executed product placement, lighting, editing, framing, fucking acting. And you surewon’t see mixed black asians in these shows. WHY R U is the oNLY one i have seen it in and he just disappears (but that was pretty cool.) so who the fuck is this representing? And before you start: asian countries are not homogenous the way we believe them to be. There are marginalized communities outside of even mixed people that are harmed. So you can skrrt cause on that one: you’re wrong buddy. But it gives us the IDEA of a paradise which is what they NEED.With representation and visibility comes consequence and responsibility as artists. What it allows them to do is coast and not think complexly because why should they; it’s mostly the fantasies of some older woman who probably has money and much less interaction with the world. It’s bonkers. And what that allows even further is for them to say YOU ARE THE THING THAT YOU CONSUME and the THING THAT YOU CONSUME IS YOURS. It is not, it is not your identity, form a close bond but figure it the fuck out. Especially for adults who are hellbent on twisting their minds into pretzels and can’t acknowledge what’s just laziness in art and not giving a fucking shit. Truly.

There’s damage that has been done from Parasite as he was supported by CJE&M and the bullshit obsession america had and eveyrone’s poor interpretation of it if they are rich. BJH is a socialist and he is a filmmaker. He has made films that are outstanding and cost a lot of money. But now a fear for indie filmmakers is just not being able to raise that much or have that much attention. Getting funding that helps them instead of expecting the Next Big Thing that is a fad because capitalism is trash. Yes this funneling of money is absolutely harmful to us artists. Even buying in is strategic. Additionally, that film is probs one of the most radical films to have that wide release and accolade (unlike “Sorry to Bother You” which i have a lot of thoughts about. One being that asian exports are acceptable but black ones are not. This is an overall art critique and global media critique. Blackness is removed, not respected.) However, filmmaking isn’t green, it can’t be socialist, and it’s a lot of work. They used tons and tons and TONS of water to do a huge beautiful feat but we still know there is a cost. We have to figure that out because it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t go back into the crew’s pockets the way it should and the work becomes that of the director’s and actors solely. It’s fucking hard. We have to do our part but it doesn’t mean we are doing it perfectly. We just have to try to do better. So does BJH cos he needs to not be a misogynist but anyways i digress.

additionally and this is something some users fail to understand: people in the media sphere generally have fucking money. I went to film school that was international with super fucking rich kids. Taiwanese kids, kids from south asia, china, thailand. They had money. No not upper middle class money, not “rich” money, not some paltry 1m that’s chump change. Fucking money. Fucking RICH-RICH. MILLIONAIRES. BILLIONAIRES. WHICH IS DISGUSTING MIGHT I ADD. The domestic people didn’t have the money for school (in the UK) and i am in a massive amount of debt like every other black student that went there. You do not understand how much money is needed to survive so people who turn to these crew positions even casting etc need this fucking money usually. OKAY. A lot of the people that do well in these dumb shows or even on a larger scale HAVE MONEY. The reason these industries are small and struggling is because of lack of people and lack of resources to independent shit because oh gee it takes money to make things.

Why should I try? Well you don’t have to really if you have money or a name. Yet...

We can tell when like those Tik Tok shows or DCOMs dont give a shit (anymore.) You know how frustrated we get when content for young people is garbage? Well, see, BL is literally that under that system. Occasionally we will get something good now but there is virtually no need in any sector in the world at this point to truly figure out how to make it better and what to do to enhance artistic literacy, outreach, teaching people new things, getting people from these communities there and having true realistic says. Art and culture is IMPERATIVE TO WORLD LIBERATION but not when it is so stiffly trying to bend to capital’s idea of progressiveness. No. Neoliberalism. No.

That’s why in a way ITSAY is a huge feat; it takes from films etc and they clearly had money (the actors rae rich too which….lmaooooo j’aime pas) but it was a respected fucking script, acting was important, blocking, framing. There’s very little to critique as a visual medium for that because I understand what they are trying to do, their market is going to be mostly young girls, but they RESPECT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE. And guess what guys? You can make money from it!!!! WOAH! Since that may be the only goal which is disgusting and repulsive.

HOWEVER AND THIS IS WHAT IS SAD: itsay is an ex of a great show however knowing the actors backgrounds and the pseudo trouble it stirred when they weren’t supporting people protesting against the coup in the summer it really put a damper on my enjoyment. And this is how we can see that:

a) it’s honestly just a show and a good one but b) now what?

These kids (actors, who are like idk 19? 20?) are rich and not saying anything while countless actors, who were filming, did. Even tul who has $$$$ and the thing is the protesting against the coup legitimately attacks the rich. As it should. The protests going on were cries for help, against a dictatorship and fucking coup, asking people to get fucking help for covid, having kids be able to live. There’s a mini on VICE about this and it probably doesnt go too in depth but there’s a kid in there who talks about his friends getting into drugs and how he just wants to make music, have fun, skateboard. And it’s harrowing to see. This is a direct example of what these things do and don’t do. Yea we know a good show is here, we know growing up and slice of life, we know this is a bit of escapism and idealism but the idealism is reflected in the way these actors also choose to live their lives. So what progress? To who? For who? How is this helping me? What purpose does it serve? I say ITSAY serves its purpose as a piece and a glimpse into possibility of growing up but i do not say it antagonizes a broader issue that needs to be relevant in some sense but simply is not. It’s very singleminded and, well, it’s sort of like “besides my sexuality, what do i have to worry about?” But for real humans like....a lot. I do not respect their decision at all.

Why can’t we do our jobs and make something decent and respect our audience? No time, gotta make that sweet sweet sweet cash baybee. Look how progressive we are! Don’t look at history and material conditions. Thanks in advance, management.

History 4 does not have that respect. Many of these shows do not. Sometimes we hit good, sometimes we don’t. But in the end we cannot settle. And I won’t. If I am critiquing something I will not be shy and if I am meant to enjoy something as escapism then these shows NEED to highlight that and it’s rare sometimes (the best twins is a good reminder like that show is bad but man do i Brain Empty when i turn it on and i like that and there’s not much in it that makes me want to kill myself from annoyance but there are transphobic jokes i dont love however the whole show is a comedy about this dude’s crazy homophobic sister and she is constantly positioned as wrong and they talk about the aforementioned trans women as the actor was in drag. Interesting that they can manage that, huh?)

Oh btw.....taiwan has a very complicated history but ignore all the bad stuff it’s good now you can kinda sorta get married and stuff. KMT? You know how i learned that? I care about human beings and read about it lmao. I am not Taiwanese and look at that. So now I have historical and DIALECTICAL~**~*~****~*~*~ context so i can judge it as an artist, a black woman from america, and from the knowledge i have to pick up on their history to see if this fits into a broader picture besides the micro-one of sexuality on an individualized level. And this is kinda where it comes full circle: these shows are not you, you are not them, they do not exist in a vacuum because nothing does. The failure to critique now means continuing on as it has and it will still do so. History and time are not linear in the sense we think it is. Someitmes things are better, sometimes things feel more austere. We are not living under liberation though and these shows are not going to do so. So they are not US nor are they for a nebulous “us” of which the groups are all fractured and have diff opinions anyway (my opinion as a black american is going to vary from an asian woman’s say and that could really clash and i do not feel solidarity with all those in every community i am for several reasons.)

Final thots that have taken up my time and the only thing i actually wanted to write but got distracted:

Anyway my dissertation is that I ilke Muren and LiCheng a lot a lot and i like how cute they are and how truly dumb li cheng is. This is an example of mostly good writing, decent actors, nice chemistry, and sort of a calmness to them. And I super enjoy how Muren is pretty forward with LC in the sense that being together is like very important to truly be together. When he was like “no i didnt forget!” Or when LC asked him something in the office I forget it was 6 am and again i almost threw up and muren nodded and then LC leaned on him. Very cute. I want more of them tho i may have to skip that othre couple (the cameo the ones from MODC) but omfg the younger one HIS HAIR GREW SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO MATURE AND CUTE OMFGIJ0HUG9SAOGIJPKOAGJSIOHUAGIJP hahhaha the one good thing i will say about THEM.idk how old the actor is i figure he was young idk it makes me happy to see him he’s very cute. I hope he’s in something i can watch and not gag at. Is he hot? Who knows but he is a cutie!!

Anyway muren and lc have a good thing going it’s nice to watch ho\pe they dont fuck it up but im truly a sucker for some true finds 2 luvas i think some user on her\e was like i’m not a fan of friends ot lovers bc it doesn’t seem like they’re actually friends and maybe they were referring to this show idk. But it made me think and it was a very good observation. So i think they are friends and also luvrs <3

[monochromemedic]

Same spamton honkers anon here dhsnsns

Your entire rant resonated hard w me bc i acc have an art blog myself but its kind of underground (i made it at the beginning of 2020 in hopes that i could gain some sort of audience cuz i occasionally post on it) and i always wanted to be a [big shot] artist. I have been struggling with severe negative artistic self view and i also do the grave mistake of comparing my art to others every so often WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING AT FIRST like i see some art i like, i rb it then my mind does this thing where its like "ok god i WISH THAT WERE ME tho" and i just ????? Damn shawty ok!!!

I feel the same regarding doodles and studies, as u said, i'd prob feel better breaking and twisting my spine on a piece continuously for one week but i legit dont have the time, patience and overall energy for that kinda shit☠☠☠ i think it boils down to every individual, some love posting and spending hours and hours on a piece, others center around doodles and small projects. Trust me im still so mf overly critical of myself despite the fact that im doing relatively better compared to last year but its almost as if when im rlly proud of smth and i post it and it doesnt gain as many notes (which ik isnt a clear indicator of quality but yknow) i just go like "damn ok then" dbsbxbns if u would like to talk abt such matters im here🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶

All in all i'd say give it time, maybe dont straight out post smth as soon as its done bc i find taking a break then coming back to it sometimes helps change my perception of the drawing??? But fr i absolutely love ur art myself no cap💔

I really do feel you. I know being negative and beating myself down about my art is like very counter productive but I got into the habit a long time ago and now I can't seem to get out of it as easily as I started. I know every artist struggles with some form of it and you only see the finish product not the time it took to make it or progress. It's a very shitty situation because most of the time you only see the creative process from YOUR point of view and only see the end products of others. But even with all this information it's like it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if other artists struggle or feel the same way, they push something out, they get a good piece and yet you don't. You still compare even if you don't mean to, you're upset you can't be them or at their level and you wanna get feedback, you wanna have people look at your art you wanna make people laugh or whatever it is you hope to accomplish but to you it just looks incorrect because it will forever be YOURS. And I don't know how to get comfortable with my progress, where I am with my art currently or the fact my art will always be mine. I'd say it's nice to hear you feel that same way but I never like hearing people suffer the same viewpoint about their art, it just makes me sad that they gotta deal with the same shit. Makes me wish I could help but ya know kinda hard to. I guess I hope we both push past it. That's a good idea though. sitting on something and maybe coming back to it at a later date even if it is finished. I hear artists do a lot of WIPs. I honestly never have, I think I have one but I've never really strived to make art that took more then one session or I was too fast and quickly finished it up in the one session it took. I'm just learning I gotta take more time with my art, think things through, give it the love it deserves even if it's kinda stinky. Which ya know fights the 'why are you taking so long on this piece, people could have finished it by now' mentality. It's an endless circle. I go too quick? Why didn't I take longer on it, it could have been better if you spend 24 hours on it. I go too slow to draw something? Someone could have done that in half the time! How artists get over their art struggles, has got to take some serious determination. Or maybe it's just some [BIG SHOT] attitude adjustment I gotta get into *wink*

[frankierose]

ok quick before i actually go to bed

UR ALWAYS IMPROVING AS AN ARTIST I SWEAR ULL FIND URSELF EVENTUALLY. IT TOOK ME 2 YEARS TO GET TO WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW, AND I HAD TO GET RID OF ALL THE BRAINWASHING THAT THE ART COMMUNITY GAVE ME

style theft is not real!!! draw however you want, and dont feel guilty if your style is Forever Changing dont feel guilty if you heavily reference your art style on someone elses. bc u knoow what???? who gives a shit!!!!!! its UR art. experiment and try new things

DONT HAVE UR PRIORITY BE ‘i want this to be my job in the long run’!!!!!! that is a nice thought but it will RUIN your thinking!!! youll start to see art as a chore and it wont be fun anymore!!!! just draw cause you want to not cause you have to!!

DONT LET ANYONE, AND I MEAN ANYONE!!! tell you whats right or wrong drawing-wise ESPECIALLY if they are as inexperienced as you. its okay if your anatomy is not perfect. or if you have same face syndrome. you are LEARNING and you need to figure that stuff out in your own time. someone pointing out the obvious without any actual advice doesnt help.

DONT SELF DEPRECATE. INSULTING YOUR OWN ART (whether it be for pity points or because you actually feel that way about it) DOES NOT!!! DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!!! OR FOR ANYONE AROUND YOU!!!! take the compliments people give you!!! it is NOT selfish!! and even if you think you are the absolute worst artist in the world, someone likes your art. and thats what matters. and yknow you wouldnt say those things about someone else’s art right?

you dont have to ask for critique. you dont NEED critique honestly. most of the time it will just make u look down on your own art and that is Not Fun

just. take ur time as an artist. have fun with it. draw however you want and whatever you want. ily and youre doing amazing, okay? goodnight

[kylorengarbagedump]

not the same anon referring to the video but you actually do deserve basic respect and someone who is 20 years old should know how to give the basic respect and it’s not your fault that anyone went at her bc they were gonna see it regardless considering a lot of us follow her tiktok and she had made reference to the fic in the recent past however you’re right no one had to be immature and “attack” her but she also should’ve just respected you and not made a whole ass video

--

Anonymous said to kylorengarbagedump:

Don’t feel bad hun. Writing is a creative outlet, and what looks like a passion for you. It doesn’t matter what you choose to write about, everyone deserves respect in any art form. Of course critics are everywhere however it doesn’t change the fact you deserve all the love and respect in the world just like any other artist out there.

--

Anonymous said to kylorengarbagedump:

stop downplaying yourself! seriously! you are human and you deserve respect. she had the right to post that, but her right to do that doesn't mean she wasn't rude and disrespecting to you knowing it upset you. please, you are worth more than you think.

--

Anonymous said to kylorengarbagedump:

you're gonna make me cry 🥺 you are not a big baby for wanting respect or being upset about something that hurt you. your feelings are so fucking valid ily 

--

Anonymous said to kylorengarbagedump:

You take some time! I think ur totally within ur rights to have felt uncomfy, and to not be happy that people went after that person. This is just my thinking, but i feel like if they knew it would make you uncomfy, they shouldn't do it. i saw someone else say this, but bullying is not criticism (didnt watch the video, idk how far it went) but i've heard the things theyve said elsewhere and...yikes. just bc they CAN "criticise" doesnt mean they should if theyre actually bullying.

--

Anonymous said to kylorengarbagedump:

In times of great anxiety and worry, I like to let other people know just how much they are appreciated. So, this is me, letting you know that you are amazing and valued! I hope you're having a fantastic day! 

--

Anonymous said to kylorengarbagedump:

I mean yeah you haven’t done much but given tons of people an outlet to project their Kylo fantasies, earned the respect of a community, and continually feed that choice kylo content. These people are dragging because it gets them attention and their 2 milliseconds of fame and age doesn’t excuse that. If she’s getting dragged, it’s sadly her own fault.

--

I wanted to answer all of these at once and just say your words are deeply appreciated, though I feel completely undeserving of your kindness and generosity toward my silly emotions, I do feel very humbled by the fact that people, for whatever reason, give a shit about how I feel, haha. I am not owed that, I genuinely believe that--I just enjoy creating work, I know people are not really here for me, so for y’all to extend this thoughtfulness makes me feel small in the best way. Truly, I am very very lucky.

Thanks, y’all. I am working hard at this new chap of LB. I hope to have it posted tomorrow afternoon.

[bluesfm]

(  park  chaeyoung  ,  twenty two  ,  &  cisfemale  )  who  ?  these  days  ,  it’s  all  about    blue hyong,  who  comes  from    los  angeles  &  ca    and  is  making  headlines  as  a    singer    .    she   currently  has  a  fan  count  of  42k    ,  no  thanks  to  the  rumors  of  them  being  inflexible  !  but  ,  on  the  other  hand  ,  their  most  devout  fans  say  they’re  actually    imaginative    .  last  i  heard  ,  they  caused  quite  a  buzz  when    she   publicly   dissed    her  new   record    label  and   the   misogynistic  treatment   she  was   receiving   from   their  reps  !  it’s  no  wonder  they  remind  me  of    long   rants   in  the  notes  app   being  posted   to  her   twitter  account  ,  empty  bottles   of  wine  laying  at   recording   studios’   floors   &  notebooks   upon  notebooks   filled  with   lyrics   she  might   never  use   but   refuses   to   let   go  of   .  

well hello human friends !! n also hello to the non human friends too , wassup . i’m angie a  dumb  noodle  from  the  middle  of  the  south  american  jungle  , and i’m here to introduce yall to this mess i call blue  who’s  a muse i have had  for yrs now n carry w/ me wherever i go , with some minimal changes but she’s still the  same  messy  bitch  on the  inside  don’t  worry  folks !  so   i  will   provide  u w/  some  background  info  on   her  n  some   possible connections  under   the  cut . issa  lil messy  but  we’ve   been  away  for  a while   pls  bear  w me

blue  is  the  only  daughter  to  a  couple   of  south  korean  immigrants  that  came  to   america  when  they  were  in  their  very  early  20s  n  already  expecting  blue  in  order  to  chase  the  american  dream  n  create  a  better  life  for  themselves  n  their  family  .  their  life  was  pretty  hard  for  a  big  part  of  blue’s  childhood  ,  while  they  were  both  studying  n  working  odd  jobs  to  pay  for  their  education  all  the while  taking  care  of  a child .  so  blue  didnt  have  the  best  childhood  ,  not  that  her parents  were  bad  or  anything  they  just  didnt  have  time  for  her  . nowadays  ,  they  are  a  lot  more  comfortable  in  life  ,  since  her  dad  became  a  lawyer  n  her  mom  is  a  nurse  ,  but  they  definitely  didnt  have  an  easy  beginning  .

ok  so  maybe  bc  they  werent  present  durant  most  of  her  childhood  they  didnt  notice  a  lol  of  signs  that  might  have  made  things  a  lot  easier  for  them  ,  bc  by  the  time  they  were  available  to  emotionally  be  there  , during  her  early  teenage  years ,  blue  was  already  kinda  a  mess . she  had  grown  up  w  very  lil  structure  n  refused  the  rules  they  tried  to  instill  on  her  n  was  already  used  to  doing  things  her  own  way  .  that  lead  to  a  lot  of  conflict  between  them  ,  since  they  expected  her  to  study  hard  n  do  well  for  herself  in  a  nine to fiver  when  she  was  already  sure  art  was  the  only  way  to  go  n  while  she  did  ok  ,  she  definitely  wasn’t  as  good  as  her parents  expected  her  to  be .

so  ...  u  know   her  teenage  yrs  were  basic  girl  angsty  she  fought  a  lot  w  her  parents  n  rebelled  frequently  n  ran  away  from  home  like  ...  weekly  ,  but  she  never  rly  had  any  real  hardships  .  life  was  reasonably  good  but  she  always  had  something  to  complain  abt  ...  just  as  she  liked

[  MENTAL  ILLNESS  TW  ]

but  then  she  reached  her  late  teens    they  all  realized  there  was  something  going  on  other   than  the  usual  teenage  angst  she  displayed  all the time  when  she  had  her  first  manic  episode  .   her  parents  thought  it was  a  “  blue  thing  “  at  first  bc  she  was  usually  a  very  impulsive  person  n  she  rly  didn’t  have  a  habit  of  thinking  before  acting  on  her  impulses  ,   but  her  mom  quickly  noticed  the  signs  of  a  manic  episode  when  she  realized  how  aggitated  n   restless  she  was  , specially  when  blue  described  an   hallucination  she  seemed  to  be  having  .   they  took  her  to  a  psychiatrist  ,  she  was  admitted  to  a  hospital  n  diagnosed  w  type 1  bipolar  disorder  n  very  quickly  medicated .  while  the  medication  brought  her  out  of  her  episode  ,  n  she  was  allowed  to  go  home  after  her  mood  seemed  to stabilize  ,   blue  also  noticed  it  stunted  her  severely  emotionally  n  decided  (  against  medical  n  parental  advice  [  pls  dont  do  it  fam  !!  take  ur  meds  ]  )  to  quit  her  medication  ,  falling  into  her  first  major  depressive  episode  a  few  weeks  afterwards  . n  for  abt  four  years  she’s  been  living  w  her  disorder  ,  n  she  doesn’t  medicate  at  all  .  she’s  super  open  abt  her struggles  n  she  has  a  Lot  of  them  ,  specially  w  how  much  drugs  n  alcohol  she  consumes  .   i  never  said  she  was  smart  yall  .

[  END  OF  TW  ]

ok  so  as  u  probably  assume  ,   blue  is  an  emotional  mess  .  she  has  a   very  chaotic  personality  ,  n  most  of it  isnt  even  from  her  illness or  anything  she  just  is  a  very  chaotic  person  in  general  ?  she  is   one  of  those  artsy  ppl  who  forgets  to  wash  her  own  clothes  so  she  ends  up  wearing  the  same  dress for  like  ,  3 days .  she’s  super  outspoken  n  outgoing  n  rly easy  at  making  friends  if  u  can  get  past  the  dumbass energy  she  exudes 24/7  ?  but  yes  just  a  very  outgoing  person  n  a  outright  mess  most  of  the  time  .  she  is  also  soooo stubborn  u  will  never  get  her  to  change  her  mind  abt  smth  she  believes  to  be  right  about  in  any  way  .  u  just  cant  .  she  loves  a  good  time  n  loves  partying  n  is  the  lack  of  impulse  Queen  soo if  u  got  any  bad  ideas  she  is  the  one   u  should  go  for  if  u  need  any  company  .  also .... so dramatic  .  she  makes  a  big  deal  of  everything  n  has  0  apologies  abt  that  .  just  catch  her  crying  over  high  school  musical  3  or  smth  like  that  .

but  yea  on  the  bad  side  tho  ,  blue  takes  up  n  gives  up  on  projects  so  easily  n  she  can  be  super  fickle  abt  things  in  general  .  like  ,  she  will  defend  an  idea  for  7  hours  but  2  days  later  she’s  already  onto  smth  else  n  doesnt  even  remember  being  so  obsessive  abt  that  other  thing  ?  a  mess .  is  also  Quite  abrasive  ?  if  she  thinks  ur  acting  dumb  shes  not  gonna  be  scared  to  call u  out  on  it  .  can  also  have a  Reaally  explosive  temper  .  not  usually  but  specially  during  manic  episodes  she  can  be  quite  easy  to  annoy  ngl  .  is  very  unreliable  ,  especially  if ur not  too  close  ..  tbh  that  is  something  connected  to  her  disorder  .  when  she’s  on  a  manic  episode  ,  she  will be  too busy  planning  things  she  will  never  get  around  to  doing  or  painting  her  entire  house  or  spending  3  days  awake  n  drunk  writing  17  songs  by  herself  .  n  during  her  depression  is  very  hard  to  get  her  to  do  anything  n  even  if  she  feels  terrible  , she  rly  cant be  an  available  friend  .

in  regards  to  her  sexuality  ,  she’s  an  open  bisexual  and   also  is  a  crazy  romantic  n  falls  so  hard  for  literally  no  reason .  but  like  ...  doesnt  have  the  healthiest  mentality  for  relationships  ?  not  like  in  a  toxic  way  but  she  will usually  give  145%  of  herself  at  all times  n  honestly  believes  all  of  the  ppl  she  falls  for  are  the one (1)  just  wants  to  make  things  work  no  matter  what  .  she’s  v  impulsive  w/  meeting  n  falling  for  ppl  tho  so  things  dont  rly  end  up  working  n  she  always  ends  up  heartbroken  over it  .  Well  .  At least she’s  trying  right  ?

in regards  to  her  career  n  art  , she’s  posted  youtube  covers  n  original  songs  for  a  couple  years  and  gathered a  decent  following  ?  she  wasnt  huge  or  anything  but  she  did  get  a  record  deal  w  an  actual  big  label  out  of  it  a  few  months  ago  .  blue  was  pretty  happy  abt  it  but  then  when  the  recording  process  started  she  realized  they  werent  treating  her  as she  thought  she  deserved  at  all  ?  which  resulted  on her  taking  her  thoughts  to  some  reps  of  the  label  n  when  she  didn’t  feel  any  difference  in  the  way  she  was  being  treated  she  took  it  to  the public  ?  which  definitely  caused  quite a  sitr  bc  she  wasn’t  a  huge  name  but  she  was  big  enough  ?  so  now  she’s  in  some  considerable  trouble  w  her  label  but  Also  more  famous  than  ever  so  they  are  choosing  not  to  bury  her  for  now  ?  she’s  in  some  definite  trouble  though  so  it’ll  be  fun  to  see  what  happens  next  n  what  her  moves  will be  ?  spoiler  alert :  it’ll prob  be  smth  dumb.

i  still have  so  much  to  say  but  i’m  so lazy  wow .  dont  start  ur  intros  so  close  to opening  time  folks  thats  my  tip  as  an  old  internet  auntie  .  OK SO  ONTO  SOME  CONNECTIONS  NOW  

some label  mates  who  she  may  or  may  not  get  along  with  ?

hookups !!  she  prob  has  a  few  she  regrets  too   bc  who  doesnt  am i  right

best  friends !!  ppl  who  actually  support  her  n  she  loves  w  no restrictions  just  love  all  around  friends

exes </3  not  gonna  lie  i  have  some  sad  ideas  abt  this  one

good  influence  bc  blue  is  a  mess she  needs  one  of  those  pls  someone  slap  her  head  n  make  her  drink  some  water

a  fling  she  has  feelings  for  but  may  not  be  requited  ...  i  like  my  romantic  connections  to  be  angsty  did yall  notice

artistic  soulmate  !!  someone  her  artistic  bitch  side  just  vibes  with  ?  could  be  a  songwriter  or  singer or  anything  tbh

some   indecisive  romantic   shit where blue rly  knows  sh’s  too messy  n  this  person  is too amazing ?  but  they still  have  feels  so   ... now  what ?

this is  p  mcuh  it ??  it  has  taken so long  to  finish  this  i  hate  myself  but  HEY  if  u  like  blue  or  dislike  her  u  should  hit  me  up  so  we  can  come  up  w  some  plot  ideas  ?  i wish  i  had  a  quirky  goodbye  idea  but  my  brain  has  just  quit  working  guys  so  u  get  nothing  from  me  other than  a  good  old  fashioned goodbye  thanks  for ur  attention  i  love u

[hcrris]

can ….. i come in ????? have been watching unbreakable kimmy schmidt for 3 hours pretending time isnt passing , life isnt real and in fact.. i am dreaming (-: lajdfksl hey <3 im jay im 21 and i love those instagram profiles of hamsters in little clothes ( when they got little purses? ???? dont talk to me im cryin. ) below u will find info about jane harris aka literally the vine of the little kid scribbling hard like his life depended on it. shes a mess ?? but a semi enjoyable mess. a mess with good intentions. if u want to establish some connections, LIKE THIS and i will come annoy u <3 alternatively u can ease my social anxiety and msg me here or through my discord sencha tea#4035 (و ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و♡

( lily collins, cis female, she/her. ) — jane harris has been a medina complex resident for three years, now. they’re twenty-three years old, and they tend to avoid making eye contact. sometimes when i walk by B06, i hear cherry-coloured funk by cocteau twins playing. lately, i’d say they’re pretty effervescent, but sometimes that’s overwhelmed by the fact that they’re neurotic. i mean, they usually pay their rent on time, though, and that’s most important fact here.

repeatedly fixing the apartment number on the door when it swings down to a nine, a split moment of shadow after the radiance of laughter, carl sagan’s pale blue dot, a life of frequent minor accidents, constant hunger for balance overshadowed by emotional turbulence.

                      🇧​🇦​🇨​🇰​🇬​🇷​🇴​🇺​🇳​🇩​​

TW ALCOHOLISM EMOTIONAL ABUSE DEPRESSION & ANXIETY !!!!! ok moving on

her parents met in art school in paris.. her mom is french and studied art history while her dad was an exchange student from california with a skewed artist mentality. it was that saccharine, toxic sort of love. her mom always felt like she needed to be the guardian angel in the relationship who would always hold him up when he was feeling down and he was feeling down….. a lot. because she was putting all that energy to save her relationship, she was drowning too but never enough to walk away. there was a lot of love there but it was twisted and uncomfortable at times

when they found out jane was on the way, it felt like they needed to suddenly grow up. her mom was ready to make changes, adapt to the new lifestyle. her dad, on the other hand, urged they rethink if this is what they want but he didn’t push for abortion.. he understood it was jane’s mothers choice to make and reassured that he would be there for the both of them no. matter. what. 

but ??? the reality was he felt trapped by the idea of a child and he struggled to acknowledge and accept how quickly his life was flipping upside down and how he lost all control of it. he wanted to travel around europe ???? soak in nature, daydream and make art . but jane’s mom wanted to settle. instead of embarking on adventures after graduating, they decided to move to california. 

things just seemed to fall apart like domino from then on. janes mom was lead astray.. thinking that what california would bring them was stability but instead, it was all chaos. they rushed to get married .. turned out janes father wasnt on good terms with his parents. he was irresponsible financially, put both his parents in huge debt, was blinded by his ego to ever realise his mistakes. lied constantly .. convincing janes mom that there’s light going forward. that once he finds a sponsor for his art .... once he sells his first piece ... once they see in him what he always saw in himself , he was going to make it right. and he reassured he would make it right for jane.

janes mom was so pathetically in love that she pushed through .. living in a sort of imagined world, believing that things were better than they actually were. and her dad was good at persuading that narrative. he would come home with a pocketful of cash and the bills paid. oftentimes, it was all an act. his art wasn’t selling and a lot of what he bragged about was borrowed or stolen. behind the curtain, he was absent and unmotivated. he would come home in the evening claiming that the whisky breath was celebratory but in reality, he was complaining to the barman two blocks away about how his life feels monotone .. like a french black and white movie.  

the day of jane’s birth was a whole mess. her father decided to drive her mother to the hospital, knowing he had one too many. they were caught for speeding and while janes dad spent the night at a nearby station for driving under influence, her mom was at the back of a cop car, crying for one too many reasons .. jane decided to hang on for a little while longer and was born at 3am the following night. cradled in her mothers arms and her dads voice humming on the line

jane would only ever hear the romanticised version of this story from her mother. this ??? fucked up sense of security that no matter what, love conquers all. that love means supporting each other, loving each other extra when everything else falls apart. but truth is.. her mother was forced to give up her own dreams, lost all connections to her past, worked days and nights at a nursing home to support her family and pitch in to her husbands alcoholism while she’s at it. making excuses that jane was too young to contradict. all while the only source of happiness for her father was the haziness of his evenings, when he felt like floating and he could barely hold onto to his paintbrush. he was a stranger living in their basement .. more than he was ever a father 

growing up, jane watched her mother mask her depression. carry empty bottles out from the basement, trying to hide it from jane .. it brought her shame. she was doing the same thing to jane that he was doing to her for all these years .. consistently expressing a certain attitude, this unwavering satisfaction for the life they are living and so ... it hardens. you start to believe it. except unlike her mother, jane was observant.. she had other lives around her to compare to her own, voices of reason that pierced through the skewed perception her mother drilled into her skull. when jane grew into her skin, she felt so ... disgusted and angry. she tried to pull her mother out of her fantasy but nothing worked. 

through her high school years, she felt helpless .. her home life was a nightmare and she made every possible attempt to stay out of it for as long as possible. she took on jobs and extracurriculars .. stayed at her friends’ house until she couldn’t. and she would think.. think so hard, she would start crying. pushing her own problems away .. in her head, she would imagine herself in a different skin, a different place. it was the only way she could calm her breathing. only to have to battle the same thoughts the following morning

after graduating high school, jane went to community college for product management got a job offering after her placement at a big company and moved out shortly after ( and MOVED IN to medina... can i get a yee yee ) .. she got insurance for the first time in her life and eats too many of free pizza slices at work to save up on groceries every week <3

she doesn’t visit her parents bc she no longer feels like her mother is on her team. she’s lived a maddening and terribly draining life and living alone has brought her deserving peace.. although she’d rather keep contact with her mother to a minimum, its obvious that jane is her mothers anchor. if she feels as though her daughter is not fighting for her, she breaks down.. as much as jane wants to run away from her past, it always seems to catch up 

if ur still reading literally who are u lafjdkl. ill be done schoon ..... oof 

           🇨​🇭​🇦​🇷​🇦​🇨​🇹​🇪​🇷​  🇹​🇷​🇦​🇮​🇹​🇸​

if they are friends ... jane. will. talk. ur. ear. off. but probably not for the right reasons lol .. she has never been assessed by a professional, isn’t taking any treatment but she definitely needs it :( shes a chronic overthinker.. the voice in her head keeps chattering away most of the time which gets a little nauseating. she hates silence and feels like she needs to fill it with words. she often says the wrong things .. to the wrong people ... at the WRONG time and she is very aware of it. its the culprit for her self doubt and struggle to open up emotionally to the people shes close to. shes very critical towards herself, she micro analyses everything from the way she acts, the way she looks and what she says. shes also not a fan of confrontation !!!!!!!BUT!!!!!!!!!!!

 she is a FIREBALL when she stands up for others. i dont know how she hasnt gotten into a physical fight yet. she would literally rip ur side mirror off ur car if u didnt wait for an old lady to cross the street. is intense in every possible way. if shes angry, shes angry and impulsive and out of control, when she is in love, she feels it in her bones and simultaneously wants to rip her hair out, when she’s passionate about something, she is persistent until she isn’t and when she loses motivation, everything feels bleak .. theres never any emotional balance, even though she fights so hard for it every day 

likes sci fi movies .. literally when they are Floating in space ???? SIGN! JANE! THE! FUCK! UP! letterboxd is probably her favorite app. sometimes she will post a review, read it over and over, find something wrong with what she said and then delete it. shes very neurotic. she either has good days where she can comfortably be herself or bad days, when it feels like everyone is judging her every move when in reality. ... it is always .. all in her head. 

and she is mostly in her head. she creates fantasies of her life, relationships platonic and romantic and as a result, nothing ever seems to measure up. she feels secure in her fantasies but oftentimes when it hits her that they are just that, fantasies, she ... feels really alone. 

will trip over her own feet . has like 5 bruises from washing the dishes </3

she works as a part of a product design team in a big company.. probably has the knowledge to move up the tier but does not have the courage to stand up for herself . she doesnt believe in herself and is kind of a pessimist .......  

got high one night and decided she wants to start an uber ....... only for women. but doesnt think its a good ide a (its a good idea. id like to think in 10 years time ... bitch made it) 

really weird. likes eating broad beans and frozen strawberries .. will literally eat a lemon. 

she will have different interests every week but never seems to be any good at anything ???????????? makes her sad. 

claims tidying up with marie kondo changed her life LAKJDSKLDJ

*draws curtains* anybody else tired? 

[chickenfetus]

all moongan

thank you for asking falen tbh i love u sm and i love doing these 

omg is this ask for this ask meme i literally almost posted this along with the wrong ask fml

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than mik because.. i dont eat cereal with milk……… i love the crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

as someone who lives in a tropical country is that what its called idk we dont have seasons and it never gets lower than 25 degrees so yes that would be ideal

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

hrmmmmm… i just remember the page number?? or try to lmao if i dont remember i just skim through the pages and try to recognise where i left off

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

with at least 2 packets of sugar tbh…. i dont drink coffee

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

omg story time i went 2 get my braces removed and the dentist wanted to take pics so he was like “smile with your teeth!” and i was like ok! but then he kept saying i wasnt doing it right lmao… guess whos never smiled b4… (me) so he told me 2 practice my smile lol i didnt answer the qn but ya,,, i am probably

6: do you keep plants?

i used 2 be very against plants… now theyre okay i guess i dont rly keep any

7: do you name your plants?

refer 2 6

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

art??? i havent drawn in awhile

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

no LOL

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

on my side!!!! i cant sleep on my back bc i gotta hug smth.. and my stomach is out of the qn

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

🅱️… and .. same brainwaves…. poor mans ____…. this is all from the shady hq im so sorry my other pals

12: what’s your favorite planet?

the moon for no real reason

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

hMMm, watching astro and mx perform??? and just being shady with bell lmao

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

this… question,,,..so im thinking of a bright place with white walls and translucent curtains so the light call fill the (living) room perfectly and everythings really ??? sunny and shit idk its warm… the floor’s made of (fake?) wood and theres a small kitchen bc i cant cook and idk if my friend would be able to lol.. theres 2 bed rooms both are painfully small but it works.. theres one other room with a closet for clothes… the bathroom is just a shower, sink and toilet… theres no washing machine rip and ?? thats about it poor mens life

i watchd the like we used mv again and i realized ...... that is literally where i got this imagery from thanks the rose i love a relatable band

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

heres a fact (?) from me first: it rains diamonds on one planet ?? mecury maybe?? mars??? whomst.. this isnt even a fact its ,me trying to recall shit

ok real fact: There are thousands of other planets out there. sorry lads this website doesnt wanna have fun

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

is spaghetti bolognese a pasta dish

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

im chill with my current hair colour??? bc its brown sometimes idk shitty hair

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i asked my irl friends (group name: panic support group) and this is what they said

K: everything

E: when u were one hour late (i dont remember this happening but i do know im always late but never for an hour past me wyd)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

goDD i dont but i sure want to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

this is strange but every eye colour is my favourite although ppl with two or more colours in their eyes are so cool

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

its just my school bag lmao i got it 4 years ago and i take it everywhere even if the event is “small” and they ask us to bring “smaller bags” ill bring my big ass school bag anyway it looks like this (i dont have to but linking stuff is so fun)

22: are you a morning person?

technically.???its the holidays but i still manage to get up before 10 (most of the time) and … even if i have like 5 hours of sleep i manage to feel awake really easily????

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

tf i just use my phone lmao this is what ive been doing for like a month now… i could watch every vlive i havent watched yet, i could make video compilations i could practice my art but… even though im out of school im still procrastinating.. legends only

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

mmmm falens the closest to that

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my classroom

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

white converse??  i have 2 get new ones every like 2 years since theyre also my school shoes and break easily….. other than those i have my blueblack converse too (i dont wear them as much so theyre still in one piece)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i dont eat bubblegum bc im always afraid ill swallow it and die and im p sure its illegal here

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset but i dont look outside enough for either

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

hm……… with jen its when she sends me asks on anon despite it being super obvious like im not a Fan when my friends send me asks on anon bc sometimes i cant tell and i get a sense of false hope but w/ jen its okay but i know its her

with bell its when they reply to my keyboard smashes with their own keyboard smashes lmao and when they just??//?? say smth cute abt their faves (lately its been sanha thank u sh)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

ya lmao when i have 2 sleep alone and its completely dark i have half a mind 2 believe some random supernatural being is out for me

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

hmM. socks are great i always wear them bc i wear shoes almost every time i go outside… i dont have any weird socks bc im Boring but i have 3 pkmn songs and 1 gudetama socks/.. bUT I DID buy my friend those socks with individual toe pockets… it was so funny when my other friend saw it she choked on her drink and almost spat it out. we laughed so hard we hit our heads against each other i love friendship.. i have 2 wear white socks for sch bc… aesthetic? god if i know lmao….. i only ever wear ankle socks bc….. socks any higher than that? cancelled.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

listen ive never stayed up later than like 1am ok maybe 2am??? but i was working on like a project that was due the next day for school with my groupmates (friends) so does that count lmao

33: what’s your fave pastry?

bread………. sugar donuts…….. i am Aware that thats not how u spell it but wtv

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

why does this ask so many qns in 1 qn……. i had a cat?? it had pink stripes and it didnt have a name bc i dont name my stuff… even my pokemon.. and yeah i still have it except its in a big dusty bag where all my other toys are kept

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i kinda have to use stationary for school so ya.. p often is correct… pretty pens??? i dont rly see the point whoopS!!! in exams u can only use black or blue so

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

im listening 2 day6 so like day6

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

my room isnt even my room i just go there to sleep .. the place im always at is like a study area except its open?? so everyone can see me lol and . its not messy?? if u look at it from far but the shit on the desk and shelves are so fucking messy god i need to pack those

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

aLRIGHT LADS welcome 2 megans ted talk

(skip this if ur not fond of drama)

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics... i SURE hope not... idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

another thing... jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm and i did go off tangent with the question as usual lol

39: what color do you wear the most?

i wear a lot of colours tbh??? but bc its rly hot out ive just been wearing the same shirt every time i leave the house and its black so

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i dont wear jewelry rip

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

challenger deep

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

hm,, ive only ever visited this coffee shop like more than once bc the girl i used 2 like showed it to me b4 like 2 years ago and it was nice i liked their mocha frappe and its cozy i guess??? sometimes i go there with friends to study/just eat but i havent gone in awhile.., its two stories and it has an open air sitting area too i prefer sitting inside bc the sun is a big no thanks.. the ceiling is kind of like?? going downward?? like the kind iin attics???? idk man it was nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

u cant see shit here sorry

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

cant relate

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yea?? sometimes i just gotta bc my brain wont shut the fuck up

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

suddenly all of the puns i know have left my mind thanks @ me

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegetables

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

the dark and whats basically in it???? like ghosts zombies and shit u kno the scary shit

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i like buying albums?? theres a CD in those so it counts lmao i bought sunrise by day6

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

boxes??? like containers????

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

boxy and letting go by day6

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO THEM and oh worm

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

me: rocky.. ?????? from astro.. /?? no ive never heard of any of those and i saw the word horror so u wont hear abt those from me any time soon

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i literally havent been outside for 2 days

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

be petty aka yesterday i changed my twitter icon from jae 2 brian bc jae’s being a child rn so hes out

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they ramble abt smth they like thanksk buds

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

is this the song from p!atd i have it in my playlist lmao oh i fucing hate this song i always skip it im not listening

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

idk what either of those are but bell and boxy

59: what’s your favorite myth?

idk any

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

anything that eunwoo has ever written

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

ive given eggs for karissa’s birthday b4 and i got a kermit its not stupid tho its just the closest thign i could think of

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

i drink water juice everyday every minute every hour

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

my books are all in shelves lads i just  heard the fucking keys rattle im not doing this shit im logging off night

ok day 3 and im back like i said previously my books are on shelves i tried rearranging them by series b4 but my housekeeper rearrnaged them randomly the next day so i gave up

i make playlists for songs that i like, really like (i still skip them sometimes rip) and songs that my friend recommends me i have a seperate playlist for the songs i like in japanese 2

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

light blue?? like its actually p white bc its cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

m not rly

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

just. leaves maybe??

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Horror Movie

68: what’s winter like where you live?

oh winter is fucking fantastic it never gets colder than 25 degrees celsius here and if it does rain it lasts for like 10 minutes

69: what are your favorite board games?

i used to rly like snake and ladders and monopoly :-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

im not ready for that kinda death

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast or earl gray??? those r like the standard right

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

ya but i never do bc i either forget to or am just 2 lazy

73: what are some of your worst habits?

being lazy + procrastinating :-D

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

okie :-o ..

they’re great ok ive talked abt them like 10 times in the span of 2 months but whatever folks

they’re super nice, kind and just all of the positive adjectives out there in the dictionary ...... they’ve helped me multiple times and they’re always there 2 lend me a listening ear (or in our case, eye lmao) idk??? im just super comfortable around them always and im honestly so thankful we became mutuals (and subsequently friends) last year!!!! i cant say a lot bc ill just get v repetitive but overall they’re an awesome friend and im glad we still communicate daily via twitter and sometimes our skype sessions even if they’re kinda awkward bc i never know when 2 talk bc im scared ill speak and theyll say smth and itll turn into a MESS which actually happened lmao  

im looking forward to the day our skype sessions become super smooth and easy going!!!

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none but id die for boxys cats

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

well yeah always tbh but its not smth i have to do but more like want to do im just 2 lazy to get around doing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

?? i almost said lemons arent pink but i Remembered...... yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i feel like this is an Attack? okay LISTEN so story time again.

on the flight back from japan i watched the alien covenant and i couldnt even get past the scene where the baby alien was gonna kill the poor guy who ended up being locked up with the infected dude as soon as i saw the blood and the alien emerge from the guy’s back i bolted lmao

so to calm myself down nd block that memory from my mind i went ahead and watched despicable me 3.. which HONESTLY im the worst critic ever but in my humble opinion.... the movie was good????????? idk i didnt watch minions the movie though i got lazy again whooopS!

anwyay i sidetracked but im neutral im not a fan but i wouldnt go out of my way to call minions annoying?? bc they really arent? i feel like its only seen that way bc of how people make posts abt how annoying minions are even tho.. they arent??

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

my memory hates me so every specific thing my friends have ever done for me has left my mind but .

the cutest thing? everything my friends do for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theyre yellow and no i didnt theyve been there ever since i could remember

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

lava cake

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was good in school for like the first three years and this year i just flopped so badly lmao and its my important year too oh well my exams r over and i still dont have a backup plan in mind

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

all of dance gavin dance’s albums have awesome art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

back when i was really into 5sos i thought of getting a tally since that was their logo at that time but now no not really unless i decide to get lance’s face tattooed onto my forehead on impulse

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

im keeping up with hq, bnha and tg manga!!!!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

idk what those r but sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

big hero 6

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

who wrote this whats up with these questions

i googled and.. not really?? they all look nice

89: are you close to your parents?

close enough to stand being in the same room as them but not close enough to want to initiate conversations

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

tokyo was really cool (literally) and if i ever go again id love to go with friends so we can explore more??

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

japan was supposed to be the only plan for this year but my grandad passed away so i had to go to malaysia multiple times earlier this year ik this wasnt the qn but ive already went to the planned destination tm so

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

BARELY SPRINKLES A PINCH im anti cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

um. like?? i tie the sides of my hair that cover my face back??? bc i dont like hair in my face

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

bell

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

hopefully something useful

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i also click remind me tomorrow lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp-t, capricorn, hufflepuff (same as falen nd jen yay)

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

uh ive never been hiking and i dont plan on it sorry body

99: list some five (or id never shut up) songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

currently......

when you love someone - day6

like we used to - the rose

crazy sexy cool - astro

death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

if it means a lot to you - a day to remember

idk if these actually “resonate to my soul” they just sound nice

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

oh worm.. i wouldnt miind either???

i know i have 2 choose but like

if i go back into the past i could be less annoying?? but the past has actually helped me be the way i am today and i think im learning to be a better person?? im definitely way better than how i was previously 5 years ago and im just grateful i was able to learn from my mistakes???

so i wouldnt go back to the past.

if its in the future i can see how ill end up and if its not good i might end up being able to change myself so i dont get my “bad end”..???? maybe or i can just see what happens in the future and i can look forward to it

itll also give me a chnace to have the most fun while i can if its not too nice

so my decision is to go to the future

thank you so much for asking falen god this got so long lmao

[misterbitches]

Most ppl porbably know this if u have been following me for a while bc i’m a prettentious hIDEOUS anarchist BITCH and i never shut up about it but i’m a filmmaker (and artiste i paint and illustrate...poorly) I hate awards shows, i hate the self-congratulatory BS rthe rich pplkin a room or ppl who want to be rich or gain social capital. No matter their color or gender etc it’s bullshit. Definition of insanity is watching this shit over and over and expecting a different outcome. It’s truly a wonderrful feeling to be acknowledged and if awards show didnt determine some bullshit (literally « good opportunities » it depends on who. What happened to lupita n’yongo?)

I have some sad news: 1 - i think other races are realizing that, much like the black counterparts they obsess over because we are just that fuckin’ fascinating, but they are fads. You are a fad ni the machine that isw bullshit Culturalism and multiculturalism as progress. Do not rest on the rich people, believe in your fucking self and do what you need. Bong Joon Ho existed befor ean dafter that win (i kidna want to go into this more but no) and barry jenkins pre-moonlight made a film that was extremely well-received and featured (shock) a black cast and good actors and was about gentrification. He took a break from filmmaking and focused on advertising IIRC for THIRTEEN YEARS. SO THEY EXIST. As for black filmmakers and arrtists we are alsways. Here. Leads me to 2; you exist and you should not be stolen from

2 - i startefd doing more research on blackface and minstrelsy digital blackface as well. And blackness is a commodity as we know butt here’s just constant fucking theft. I learned about the few succesful times balckface was incorporated (by black people ofc) and just yea. It was eye-opening. I didn’t know the oscars were happening and then i got the notif about boseman before bed and it was pointless.

I think he should have been out of the runnin at least for a bit. They knew what they were doing because the academy didn’t vote for him. I can’t remember correctly but if I have vague knowledge the movie wasn’t received super well (like, say, a fences) so maybe it makes sense. But this man died at 43 and was working through COLON CANCER (my father had the same thing, same stage, but he’s here at 62. It’s just shitty. It’s fucking shitty) and you want to evaluate his work? In this stupid fucking paradigm after this hell year? After the hell year for black people specifically (spoiler: THIS IS OUR CONSTANT) and what I find dumbfounding about this is this is capitalism. This is hollywood. This is the mainstream (refer to #1) because there has to be winners and losers. This is a hot take so maybe we dont’ need to judge posthumously—at least not in an instant way when someone passes but released a work—at least maybe not an award. Critiquing and talking about their work (like jonghyun’s album poet|artist) is different then hyoing up a construction and saying to a man who is by the way um como se dice DEAD!!!! DEAD! HELLO! And saying « lol u lost the most important awards show ‘ever’ according 2 us also ur dead also this doesnt matter and oh btw here’s an nft of this DEAD BLACK MAN’S FACE in your goodie bags! » like what is this garbage

Technology has made it so removal of ownership is an even better form of stealing. An even better way for minstrelsy to prevail on non-blackness. When black minstrelsy has existed (IE black people using that pain and stereotype as subversion, as laughs, because the trauma of being seen as an object is endless. So we have to figure out what pain you put upon us and how we can proceed) and we are innovators, creators, foundations. FIlmmaking relies on black exploitation and erasure, most art does, and we are not people until we can be commodities. We aren’t real because blackness is an expression not a state of being, not trauma and pain, not joy and immense beauty.

The thing is that (most) AI, NFTs, techno advancement (space ex lmao) isn’t about absorption, sharing, and innovating. Deepfakes all of that shit too. It facilitates THEFT. Tik Tok is born out of black theft and like most bad things that evolve black pain evolves to greater pain, particularly in america, so now black people are having their work removed or livelihoods copied (btw if ur not black u will nevr be, u will never understand our structure of feeling and who we are. I know it pains you but build a bridge and get the fuck over it. You can’t be a nigga and eschew the nigger) it seeps into regular popular culture. The fact that an NFT of nirvana’s last shoot is being sold is fucking everyhting Nirvana is against. Basquiat would probably hate that (if he could wrap his 1980s brain around the concept. I hate it. I hate it because none of it is to help artists or to go further. You don’t have to recreate a Nirvana song via AI because this time has passed. The band members wouldn’t even want that.

We can’t bottle time and memories and remove the fucking context from them. It’sd scary. And so much of this is just relying on black exploitation and theft of immense black labor. Our freedom is intrinsic to world freedom and yuo can see as things evolve how (particularly in the US but also our likeness as culture and cutural exploits) and eventually, maybe, you will be erased like us. But the thing is: we know this, we live it, we keep going. Can other people handle that? I am not so sure, though I hope they will. One last thing as more and more people try and become progressive or whatever I really just wish they understood blackness as a real root to liberation. Ending Israeli Apartheid is a big one as well; we are not free until Palestinians are free but if they get free then we have to attack the (non black) « arab » psyche of superiority. However, Palestinians have an afffinity with black people in the diaspora because of the genocidal tendencies in the US and because of SA apartheid.

I’m going to stop here but none of these things above are intersted in sharing more art and stuff. The OSCARS were cvreated to bust unions and keep black people out. Celebrities who are radical got their lives destroyed. And now we have very little legacy of people doing what they enjoy because they enjoy it and being able to speak up. It’s less of a necessity when you can just get in the room and chill. The idea is to get people realizing they dont WANT to be in the room.

Lastly: my thoughts on representation are complex. I do not believe the representation of asians is going to go as far as people think and I absolutely do not believe that it is because of the anti-asian hate and sinophobia that is borne out of this time. Hollywood has no interest in being progressive and what little we get it’s being pushed onthe inside. Even for streaming companies outside of TV—status quou is imminent. Media is propaganda and true amazing artists can convey it. But it’s more about money and fame as capital atp which is always the direction it was going.

Artists deserve happiness, ownership, and a life. They should want to say things that matter, nothing is apolitical, and we should strive to make good shit. Strive to reduce waste on sets. Strive to see people as fucking human. Art is a ridiculous stupid bougie rat-race but here I am.

[misterbitches]

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.