#it doesnt need to be diagnosed anyways right now bc it will just make shit worse for me to have that on my records

[piplupod]

I've been wondering why MH workers have been treating me like I'm The Lying Liar when I talk about emotions and other people's reactions to things and I found out today (by glancing at a medical form that my counselor filled out for my intake at a program) that my psychiatrist actually did diagnose me with BPD and the psychologist who disagreed with that diagnosis and instead PROPERLY diagnosed me with ASD didn't get BPD taken off my file..... I'M SO PEEVED. and I doubt I'll be able to get BPD removed from my file because MH workers act like everyone diagnosed with a cluster B disorder is an attention-seeking liar. dragging my hands down my face. this is so stupid oh my god. any BPD symptoms that I do have are better explained by OTHER disorders I have 😭

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part 4 (?) ive lost count already but unsurprisingly ive grown even more attached to him

using this as the cover image because i made him a playlist. cause im awful

no legit this is gonna need a read more because it's SO LONG SHIHEWIESHEFSHIEWHF

Had three mental breakdowns this week and realized i do in fact kin sherlock motherfucking holmes. this does not bode well for anything in my life mentally I've diagnosed him with so many things

Oh boy lol you want the list I think hes autistic (undisputed honestly) plus also adhd but on top of that there's the manic depression and uhhh the bpd lmao I dont even think that's it those are just. the obvious ones

But yeah man's a fucking mess and a shit person but in the same way as me so 👍

Some highlights I thought were very funny:

watson: we are in fact going to be waltzing into a place where people are Shooting People you do not have your gun. this is a problem

sherlock: don't worry watson I have my trusty stick!

watson: visible pain

This clearly happens like every day or so with them

but yeah there were some really honestly sweet scenes with them at the apartment and why am i getting soft over the crusty man being gay

have you considered tho. have you considered them

have you considered sherlock, who usually only plays absolute garbage on his violin serenading watson to sleep when he was tired and in pain and watson being so fucking in love with the man and waxing poetic about falling asleep to his music and waking up to see him fallen asleep on the couch next to him and oh my god them

They're just really sweet together for such a completely dysfunctional couple so much of the time lol I just. Sherlock being like.

Sherlock half of the time: watson you're fucking stupid. no i won't take care of my personal needs stfu. watson get a goddamn life. watson shut up. watson no one cares about your goddamn opinion. no i need to disturb you in the middle of the night it's for science. hey watson mind if i manipulate mansplain malewife

Sherlock the other half of the time: HELLO SIR YOU ARE MY FAVORITE MAN TO EVER MAN HELLO MAY I SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH YOU HELLO I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU WE ARE PERFECT MATCHES I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU YOURE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME PLEASE MARRY ME

They're... they certainly are.

ALSO OH MY GOD.

THIS ONE TIME WHEN SHERLOCK WAS JUST PACING AROUND THE ROOM AT 3 AM GOING "IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE >:(((" AND HUDSON LIKE BARGED IN TO COMPLAIN AND THEN WATSON WAS LIKE DUDE YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THIS AND PROCEEDS TO SAY THE LINE "YOU ARE KNOCKING YOURSELF UP, OLD MAN"

BAHGHSFHGRHEWHEWHIFEW

BRB SOBBING

CALLING HIM AN OLD MAN???? KNOCKING HIMSELF UP?? I DONT KNOW WHATS FUNNIER

The main highlight of this part was I have now gotten to see him have a great time watching his homo homie get married

Its so fucking funny.......

I was prepared for a funny reaction by yuumori sherlock's face when he said it lol but. Damn i was really not prepared tbh

watson: I'm engaged!

sherlock: *pained groaning*

watson: do you... not like her?

sherlock: no she's fine she's great you'll be wonderful together bUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE HETEROSEXUAL WATSON DO I HAVE TO MARRY MYSELF THEN WATSON? ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME MARRY MYSELF.

watson: yeah... yeah... fair, I feel really bad because you did this whole case and I got a girlfriend out of it and all you got was me leaving you alone fuck man im sorry what are you gonna do without me

sherlock, highly sarcastic: dont worry watson I've always got my handy cocaine! *pulls it out and gets high in front of watson just as he's about to leave*

watson: *in fucking agony*

sherlock: good for you!

I DONT EVEN- THIS SCENE KILLED ME MULTIPLE TIMES OVER WHAT

ITS SO GODDAMN NONCHELANT ABOUT IT SHERLOCK IS JUST LIKE YEAH I WILL IN FACT NOT BE MENTALLY HEALTHY IF YOU ARE NOT WITH ME 24/7 BUT WHATEVER YOU DO YOU /S

I'd like to apologize to watson on sherlock's behalf lmao. man is being a bit too codependent on main

The last thing about sign of four I do need to address is yeah, there's the Horrific Amounts Of Racism in that one and the whiplash hearing it is just ridiculous because they seem to be so knowledgeable in all other areas and fairly... politically correct, taking sherlock's original misogyny as a purposeful character flaw, but then they just mention someone indigenous once and suddenly its all parrotting racist propaganda and just... really awful shit. There's no way I'm gonna speak for the group that just got absolutely hate crimed here but anyone can tell the author just has no clue what he's fucking talking about and it's physically painful.

And I don't know, it's just so bad it seems out of character? Doyle's making these motherfuckers say shit that honestly, Sherlock would know better about. And especially Watson. Come on, you cannot tell me watson is mentally capable of being prejudiced against someone. Please do not make him that way.

I'm not sure how to handle it specifically, or what's the proper way I should handle something like that in a media I otherwise like. Is it ok to say Doyle was clearly a piece of shit on the matter and separate those characters from his bias or is that insensitive?

I don't know, I was Not a fan of it and I'm glad to see they've at least finally shut up about the guy

But anyway yeah, uhhhh onto the short stories because I'm trying to read those before I get to the final problem

Scandal in Bohemia was a fucking ride, first of all, before we even get to Sherlock's girlboss arc we have to discuss how gay the whole situation was and how Doyle's attempt at making them less gay failed spectacularly

Like he's all "ah yes I need to marry off watson and uhhh make sherlock ummmm interact with a woman so they dont look gay" but he does it SO BADLY that it makes them look EVEN GAYER

cause i mean, even the conversation they had about watson getting married back in sign of four was gay af, but how Doyle handled things afterward was in no way straighter.

Cause you know, the man kind of wrote himself into a corner with the fact of Watson narrating these stories. So Watson has to be around to witness them, and to witness Sherlock's own thought process rather privately, so he has to be around sherlock at night, a lot. But trying to come up with a reason for that happening just... it didn't occur to Doyle. He just went. Ah yes this makes sense. And it's Watson just like Sleeping Over At Sherlock's like every other goddamn day and every time his wife leaves town and having them basically still live that cute domestic home life but they have absolutely no excuses for doing it anymore. It's quite funny

Like it was gay already the way they interacted when they officially lived together but it was like, a necessity for them. Now it's not, Watson just comes over because he goddamn wants to, and it's hilarious to me.

LIKE IDK I THINK THEY KIND OF BROKE UP FOR A YEAR OR SO BC OF WATSON GETTING MARRIED AND THEY LIKE DONT HAVE CONTACT WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT ONE DAY WATSON JUST INEXPLICABLY HAS THE URGE TO COME VISIT SHERLOCK ON NO NOTICE AND THEN SUDDENLY THEY ARE TOGETHER NEAR 24/7 AGAIN LIKE BARELY ANYTHING CHANGED AHIEHOEWH

SIT DOWN AND TRY TO TELL ME THOSE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUALS

Watson walks in on no fucking notice after a full year and Sherlock is just. In the middle of some experiment obviously but hes like

Sherlock, carrying around unidenfiable chemical mixtures: W A T S O N you look good you look good! i see you've gained seven pounds!!

watson: uh. thanks??? Hey lol *awkwardly waves* Uh um Wanted to Uhm sEe you

Sherlock: ABOUT gODDAMN TIME AND YES WONDERFUL LOOK LOOK SIT DOWN I HAVE THINGS TO INFODUMP ABOUT

watson: :) ok :) *turns to camera* and we were back to the old days

sherlock: makes a deduction

watson: wowwwwwwwwwwww !! so true bestie !!

sherlock: !!!!!!!!! :))) !!!!! :))) uh fuck im supposed to be smooth Its Elementary Lol

watson: *turns to camera* when i stroke his ego like this and compliment him he blushes like a girl like i just complimented his dress so i do it more because he likes it. this is a homie trait

watson: well i should probably get going! my wife will notice that i am gone my dear buddy bro homie!

sherlock: NO DONT LEAVE IM LOST WITHOUT YOU (pretty much a direct quote lol) your. wife doesn't. get back home until monday. I know this because I am smart and definitely have not been stalking you.

watson: alright :)))))

AND THEN HE FUCKING SLEEPS OVER LMAO FUCKING HOMOS

So yeah they're right back where they were before pretty much and there's a case bc of course there is

And honestly I think this short story specifically was so insane mostly just because of how absolutely fast it all went. Yuumori kind of made me believe the original Irene Adler was more of an important character than she really is? And I think that's. Honestly so funny. Motherfucker shows up for ten pages, girlbosses her way around town, and changes sherlock's entire opinion of the female gender while still keeping him gay?

LIKE NO LOL SHES NOT IN ANY WAY A LOVE INTEREST AND WATSON GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO SPECIFY THE FACT THAT IN NO WORLD WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE. SHERLOCK. DIDN'T DATE WOMEN.

HE WAS JUST??? SO IMPRESSED AND SHELL SHOCKED BY HER EXISTENCE HE DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR GIRLBOSS APPRECIATION DAY TODAY AND ALL DAYS HENCEFORTH???

AND THEY HAVE LIKE O N E INTERACTION?? God, the power this woman(?) has. Watson looks at her once like. damb shawty 😳 and she's like "no<3" and he's like FUCK

Like yeah it's pretty much just the king walking up like "help girl the whore is blackmailing me" and sherlock being like "ok lol this will be easy" and then it proceeded to not in fact be easy or even possible

sherlock like... posed as a dead body and tried to get her to give up the location of the photo but she out-acted him and skipped the town the next day after doing the 'good night mr. sherlock holmes' thing with sherlock completely tricked

and she just. sends a letter like "dear sherlock holmes. you're a fucking idiot and i think it's funny that you lost. nice job tho mad respect" and sherlock just SHORT CIRCUITS

the king comes back a bit later like "hey Dude where's my Photo" and sherlock's like oh yeah uhhhhhhhhhhh about that and the king is like HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN THAT GODDAMN HARD i would have dated someone more noble if she wasn't so pretty i swear im on a whole different level from her

and then. GIRLBOSSIFIED SHERLOCK HOLMES RESPONDS "from what I have seen of the lady, she seems indeed to be on a very different level from your majesty" ABSEHHESHEFHHFES ROASTED

and the dude just LEAVES

After that I read a few more of the short stories and well the highlights I got from that pretty much were these conversations

Watson: sherlock. honey. have you. eaten anything today

Sherlock: IT DIDNT OCCUR TO ME DEAR WATSON

Watson: ITS FIVE PM

and:

Sherlock: *having one of his Moment Moments at three in the goddamn mornig* GRRRR CRIME ISNT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Watson: MY DEAR SHERCOCK WHAT IS CRIME S U P P O S E D TO BE LIKE ACCORDING TO YOU

Sherlock: no one's original anymore fucking copycats

Watson: so you want the criminals to make things harder for you specifically.

Sherlock, exasperated: yes!

I love them your honor.

[venusmages]

otp tag.

tagged by @solasan​, thank u!!!!!   tagging: @ritualism​ and @editoress​ i think all my other Wayhaven ppl have been @’d already

PENNY AND FELIX EDITION

DISAGREEMENTS.

who is more likely to raise their voice?

i neither! penny if i had to choose, but shes usually p good at keeping cool. and felix doesn’t seem like a shouty person anyways.

who threatens to leave but never actually does?

N/A

who actually keeps their word and leaves?

N/A

who trashes the house?

N/A

do either of them get physical?

N/A

how often do they argue/disagree?

i think their first disagreement is in book 2 when Felix got hurt during Sanja’s rescue. Penny feels super guilty about it and is worried Felix is brushing it off when he has a right to be upset. She’s kinda haunted by that whole situation and the choice she had to make. Other than that, they definitely never really argue. At most in the beginning Penny was just kind of oblivious/flippant because she’s socially awkward lol

who is the first to apologize?

both lmao

SEX.

who is on top? who is on bottom?

Felix is a little top  you cant convince me otherwise

any kinks?

not really

who has the strangest desires?

i think they’re mostly just cute in bed without anythnig crazy going on

who’s dominant in bed?

  FELIX!! in the cute ‘i got this’ kind of way. Penny’s shy so definitely not her.

is head ever in the equation?

duh

if so, who is better at performing it?

felix has the charisma but i think penny has the technique

ever had sex in public?

 they did almost fuck in nate’s library 

who moans the most?

Penny!  Felix thinks its cute

who leaves the most marks?

FELIX LOVES HICKIES. hes sad that they don’t last super long on him, but she tries anyway.

who is the more experienced of the two?

I think they’re pretty even actually

do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?

latter

how long do they usually last?

im sure it varies

rough or soft?

soft!!

is protection used?

YES. penny is ON that shit. Though she wouldn’t be against having kids one day.

does it ever get boring?

nah they’re too cute and in gross cuddly love. Does felix look like he’d EVER get bored of the detective

where is the strangest place they’d have sex?

it didnt  happen but again, nates library. Penny was secretly kinda into it 

FAMILY.

do they plan on having children / do they have children?

 I don’t think either are seriously considering it for a while but Penny is a good 50/50 on it!

if so, how many children do they want/have?

just one, maybe two.

AFFECTION.

who likes to cuddle?

Felix! Penny’s a little more standoffish in general with physical affection, but she does love cuddling Felix. If he wants to cuddle she’s p much always down for it.

who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?

Felix. Have you heard what that boy says

who struggles to keep their hands to themself?

Felix! Though only in private. He know’s Penny’s shy and its cute to do it when shes working or something. He likes playfully distracting her.

how long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?

Probably for a good while, though Penny has a tendency to get antsy. Usually it just means her getting up and him happily following after her though

what is their favourite non-sexual activity?

video games! She showed him Animal Crossing and it was over

where is their favourite place to cuddle?

on the couch!

SLEEPING.

who snores?

Penny...

if both do, who snores the loudest?

Not loudly , but again penny.

do they share a bed or sleep separately?

they share a bed!

if they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?

depends!

what do they wear to bed?

Penny wears pj shorts and a cotton shirt, pretty simple. Felix is probs similar

are either of them insomniacs?

Penny DEFINITELY is. Thankfully Felix doesn’t sleep a lot so she’s rarely disturbing him!

can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?

YEP. Especially after book 1, she started having nightmares.

do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?

Felix is a koala.

who wakes up with bed hair?

Penny. Felix somehow always looks fucking perfect and she’d be jealous if she didn’t think it was so charming.

who wakes up first?

Penny. Even if Felix is just lazing about, she’s one of those responsible people or something.

who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?

Felix tried. keyword being tried. 

what is their favourite sleeping position?

Penny sleeps on her side and Felix clambers around either with one leg over her or spooning her usually.

do they set an alarm each night?

Penny does!

who has nightmares?

Both :(. Hard to tell with Felix how often for him

can a television be found in their bedroom?

Penny doesn’t have a TV

who has ridiculous dreams?

Felix for sure. Sometimes involving stuff pertaining to the Echo World and Penny is like ??? and he doesn’t know how to explain it.

who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed?

Felix

who makes the bed?

Felix, because he insists. Penny goes back and straightens it out

what time is bed time?

 bed by 1

any routines/rituals before bed?

felix insists on brushing their teeth together bc he thinks its cute (penny does too). its how she first actually got a glimpse of his fangs

who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?

neither! though felix DOES complain.

WORK.

who is the busiest?

penny. felix is  busy keeping himself from dying of boredom

who rakes in the highest income?

n/a

are any of them unemployed?

n/a

who takes the most sick days?

Penny, though very rarely. She usually saves them for days where she wants to work from home because the office got too overwhelming.

what are their jobs?

Vampire Agent vs Police Detective

who sucks up to their boss?

 Felix tries to charm Rebecca. Rebecca just sighs.

who is more likely to turn up late to work?

Felix. Got distracted

who stresses the most?

PENNY. though she usually takes things in stride, she’s a little up tight.

do they enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?

Penny is fine with being a detective and doubly fine with being an agent.

are they financially stable?

yeah!

HOME.

who does the washing?

Penny. We know what Felix’s stance is on laundry considering he hides his socks in Mason’s hamper.

who takes out the trash?

Felix , and he acts like a hero

who does the ironing?

Penny! She wears nice clothes that definitely would require ironing. 

who does the cooking?

Penny is a serviceable cook, though she tends to cook the same things. And sometimes still eats like a (healthier) college student because she doesn’t have the energy. Felix LOVES using it as an excuse to order food.

who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?

Felix.

who is messier?

Felix. More just disorganized

who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?

Felix. Again, boy clearly hates laundry

who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?

Neither. Unless Felix yoinked the keys - then they could be anywhere.

who answers the telephone?

FELIX. First ring, always. 

who mows the lawn?

city slickers for life so neither

who does the vacuuming?

both. felix likes doing it and danciing

who does the groceries?

Penny because felix will bring back a bunch of things they didnt need

who takes the longest to shower?

Penny. She uses so much water

who spends the most time in the bathroom?

neither!

MISCELLANEOUS.

is money a problem?

nah theyre secret agents

how many cars do they own?

just penny’s little clunker

what’s their song?

waterfalls coming out your mouth // violet hour (especially this one) // sugar

do they live in the city or in the country?

small town

do they own their home or do they rent?

penny’s renting but wouldn’t be against owning a little flat somewhere

do they enjoy their surroundings?

wayhaven is home and comfortable for penny! she was actually falling out of love for it before she got promoted, now she feels protective over it and the supernaturals shes now aware live there.

what do they do when they’re away from each other?

felix goes insane waiting until they can meet up again. penny is often thinking abt him but is eager to get work done so she can do it even sooner

where did they first meet?

abandoned warehouse in book one - though the first meeting SHE remembers is him kissing her on the hand... romance...

who spends the most money when out shopping?

i feel they both are pretty similar! Theyre Fashionable, though Pennys really good at budgeting.

who’s more likely to flash their assets?

listen it doesnt happen in canon but if you do the combat training route with felix he fucking puts your hands up his shirt

any mental issues?

penny has anxiety and has been diagnosed as autistic since she was, like, 12. felix clearly has some shit he’s not letting himself fully mourn but OKAY BUDDY

who finds it amusing when the other trips over? 

penny laughs when felix trips just because he’s like a beautiful ragdoll and always ‘saves’ himself in really funny ways. felix is such a prince charming i think he’d see her tripping more as an excuse to be dashing and handsome at her and save her from face planting than laugh. 

who’s terrified of bugs?

penny definitely isn’t. could see felix losing his shit over a spider.

who kills the spiders around the house?

PENNY. doesn’t kill them though.

do they have any fears for their future?

Penny’s worried that loved ones might get put into danger due to ... everything. Verda found out about vampires and wasn’t hyped, so she’s worried about their friendship and his saftey most of all. She’s also worried about making ‘tough’ choices like the one at the end of book 2. It’s not a pleasant dilemma.

their favourite place?

Penny’s apartment!

who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?

felix FOR SURE

who pays the bills?

both, but penny set it all up on autopay bc felix would forget.

who’s the tallest?

Felix! He’s like what, 5′7-5′9? penny’s 5′3.

who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?

Both! Penny’s shy when doing it but she loves felix’s reaction because he’s always super excited.

who wanders around in their underwear?

neither

who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?

felix. duh

what do they tease each other about?

everything! penny teases felix over how energetic and goofy and ~suave~ he is. He teases penny over being bashful - but she actually teases him more! He teases her over ROMANTIC stuff.

who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?

Penny. The waistcoat, Felix. Why. No

who crushed first?

FELIX DIDDDDDDD. Penny got flustered but is very :/ at relationships bc she struggles socially and the only serious relationship she had prior was fucking BOBBY. So she straight up doesn’t trust that felix is being genuine at first. Also she’s a lil bit oblivious.

any alcohol or substance related problems?

nope!

who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?

neither

who swears the most?

probably felix, though I don’t think he swears a lot either?

[imbruedinfear-a]

@undeadrphub​ asked: ALL OF THEM FOR EZRA

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them? 

LMAO this man is more than comfortable. he literally models nude sometimes, he has absolutely zero body issues and i envy him for the confidence. he’s super big on appearing attractive, both for work and simply bc he’s a vain little shit, but he doesn’t really care if someone doesn’t find him attractive?? he thinks he’s hot shit and that’s all that matters.

🍅  :    how does my muse feel about plastic  /  cosmetic surgeries   &   procedures?  is it something they have done or would do?  do they mind if others do it? 

not a fan but not against it. he thinks it’s really fucking shit that we live in a world where people deadass think changing their appearance is that important, but he’s not going to talk shit on someone who gets it done. he’s just a fan of liking yourself how you are, really. shrug emoji if ya do it, shrug emoji if ya don’t.

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

LISTEN. this man is in perfect health physically, he’s got a high metabolism and he exercises regularly. but. fuck doctors. he’ll only go if he’s really fucking sick and thinks he’s dying. yes, he pays his shit out of pocket, because fuck health insurance, they make u got to the doctor. he doesn’t get sick often! but when he does, it lasts for a while.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy? 

f,, fairly stable? diagnosed PTSD and depression, no biggie. he copes really well for the most part, and his trauma doesn’t particularly show unless you’re very aware it’s a symptom. he attends therapy when his depression episode gets really bad, so rly only like three times a year. you basically can’t even tell he’s mentally ill unless you know him really well and are around for a long period of time.

🍑  :    how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance?  do they spend a lot of time on their hair,  makeup,  grooming,  and clothing?  is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?  

dEPENDS MY DUDE. yes, boy is conceited. yes, he has depression. we all know what that means!! he’s either paying attention to everything and not leaving the house until he’s perfect or he’s fucking walking outside without pants, no fucks, and without having showered for a week.

🍒  :    how much does my muse value companionship?  do they constantly keep people around them,  or do they prefer to be alone often?  do they have or desire to have many friends?  do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?  

ehhhh. he’s both extroverted and introverted. he has no problem making friends and he has a lot of them, but he doesn’t really hangout with people. he might go out a couple of times in a month, but he really prefers to be alone. it’s best to think of it as he’ll make new friends very easily and get along with most people, but he doesn’t go out of his way to spend time with anyone else unless he’s invited or really likes them.

🍇  :    how would my muse describe their childhood?  how much has it impacted the person they are now,  or will become as an adult?  around what age did they or will they start to mature,  and why?  do they wish to go back to their days as a child,  or have they embraced adulthood? 

oh honey. childhood was hell. trauma has erased a lot of it, and what little he remembers give him nothing but guilt and deep desire to never ever think of it again. adulthood is where it’s at, bois.

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart? 

he’s on the genius end. he literally had nothing to do but read and talk to people as a kid, so he’s pretty fucking rounded out on knowledge. the only downside is he doesn’t really remember facts. he remembers the logic of it. you could ask him if sharks live in sea water and he’s gonna fucking hesitate, but if you ask him if this weird idea you have for a spaceship is possible, he’s gonna give you a fully detailed explanation on why it isn’t, big ass physics words and all. he was raised by drug dealers and his brother was involved in gangs so u can figure out how street smart he is.

🍉  :    which of the four seasons suits my muse best,  and why? 

winter! he’s at his most sad goth. otherwise, autumn, bc he’s a pumpkin spice slut.

🍌  :    is my muse inclined to help others,  or will they only do it when it benefits them,  if at all?  what makes them this way?  has it ever gotten them into trouble,  or inconvenienced them?

will help, even if he sighs first. he just thinks it’s the right thing to do. but also: watching his brother get fucking tortured and not being able to help for 18 years might’ve fuckin done something. he’s been inconvenienced a few times, but never really in trouble.

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes? 

wouldn’t u like to know, weatherboy :^) actually he’s a bit of both. he definitely desires romance, and he’ll sometimes actively try dating around, but he mostly prefers the ‘if it happens, it happens’. he’s only truly dated a few women. currently, though, he hesitates on dating big time. in canon, he’s pretty freshly broken up with in a really shitty manner, so he’s just. existing. the thought of catching feelings fills him with dread, but he’s also a dumb fuckin hopeless romantic who instantly is like okay but what if it DOESN’T go terribly this time.

🍓  :    how is my muse typically seen by others?  does it ring true to who they really are?  does their reputation matter to them? 

iiiiiii have no idea. it depends on your personality, because he’s sarcastic and sassy, and some people would consider that as rude and asshole-ish. if you’re in the kink scene, 9.5/10 times you’ll know him as the master of the city’s biggest dungeon ( it’s also connected to a fetish club ), so it’s. accurate. he doesn’t care for his rep tho, it’s not gonna hurt his book sales since he’s anonymous

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it? 

h m. not really. his only unusual habit would be how much he’ll just drown himself in working, but it’s from trauma, so????? nah. he’s p open about everything anyways.

🍋  :    what kind of diet does my muse have?  do they eat regularly,  or the standard 2-3 meals a day?  do they have to be reminded to eat,  or are they likely to remind others?  do they cook,  or have others cook for them?  do they eat healthily,  or not so much?  

wild. just wild. he can go from deadass vegan to eating 20 chicken wings by himself. no one understands it. if he’s actually working on a new novel, he needs reminded sometimes, but he’s usually the one reminding other people. he’s a big cook, he loves finding and creating new recipes, and he’s usually on the healthier end of things. doesn’t mean he won’t eat an entire fucking cake because he didn’t eat anything else for two days tho. 

🥭  :    how important to my muse is their hometown,  or where they’re from?  are they proud of it,  or considered a hometown hero? did they move away,  or do they wish to?

e h. he doesn’t really care for hometown sentiment, but he does love Chicago. it’s his favorite place just because he’s comfortable, knows it and the people well, and always finds something to do. plus, like, the fetish club is there. ofc he’s gonna have fun. not proud, just doesnt care. moves around when bored.

[thankyoumskobayashi]

happy 10th anniversary to the day my dad found my cats on the side of the road

i have thought alot of times abt what id do if i met the person who left them there. probably punch that person for being a dumb jerk. but if it werent for them leaving blossom on the side of the road, my depression could easily have taken a turn for the worst during middle/high school. my floof merr has been my reason for living, even moreso than spite. now im at a place where im enjoying life a little and learning sorta how to be an adult. i'd probably thank whoever dropped my cats off but also punch them for being a jerk.

anyways, my point is that if you don't believe in yourself, or you hate your life, find something to live for. Anything, no matter how unimportant others may deem it. for me, my love for my cat and desire to make sure she's happy overrode my depressed thought. treatment was definitely a step in that, but if you can't find that find blogs abt coping with depression in everyday life and read as much as you can. after my diagnoses i read a lot from other people with depression anxiety and adhd. maybe this helps others too idk

rember too that change doesnt always happen right away either. we are constantly changing ourselves and reinventing ourselves, and it is exhausting to make the conscious choice, again and again, to be a better person. but it is a necessary one because otherwise society remains stagnant.

and stagnating things cause breakdowns and decay.

good luck in finding yourselves, and your companions throughout the journey of life. i may not be a psychologist but i can listen if you need someone to, and i can reblog that list of suicide hotlines bc your life is worth too much. im crying right now actually bc a kid in my hometown khs, probably due to not being believed over mental health issues. people "not believing in" mental illness gets me so fucking pissed off bc this shit matters! it's not little things that people complain abt, it's the small symptoms of a much larger, and much more malevolent whole which moves through the mind like a hurricant. it destroys so much of your functioning and leaves you struggling to swim in the productive direction against the current of a deeper and stronger force.

being ridiculously persistent, as adhd folks tend to be, is probably also another reason i'm here. i love my friends too much to ever let them suffer like that, so i'd hold on to the point of walking through hell and back. in that way i found the hyperfocus i wield like a double edged sword and honed the loyalty i have always developed. i love my old friends, and i love my new friends, and i'm just so goddamn happy to be having friends on this planet. i dont need a romance, because i love myself enough to not need one for validation. i think that having a relationship when you are not really into someone else as much as they are into you would feel very weird. kinda like early marina & the diamonds being in a relationship. i don't know.

why the hell am i telling you all this? because it is a stream of conscious and i am allowing you unfiltered access to my inner thoughts because these are the only thoughts i have had or will ever have at this moment at this time. and because people in the future may look back on them to see what is relevant to history. and in my case i will say that i hate donald trump, i had a great dream last night that he died of a heart attack, and they were debating whather to put his secondary prez as the next in line bc they expected p*nce to do such a horrible job too.

we need to help the environment and in order to do that we need to limit the pollution companies can create. everywhere. all across the globe. it would take huge efforts. the leaders would probably be assassinated anonymously by the ceos of huge megacorps which steal billions from the workers. we need to create huge amts of inertia, so how do we do that??? education.

we need to teach abt environmentalism. we need to teach it like it is a basic tenet of humanity to care about it, at levels that challenge & excite kids instead of bore them. this is my poetics and i guess im spelling it out now that im tipsy bc i havewords flowing from my mind. i have to go get my charger hold on. its an external battery pack that my overly controlling mother had me put in her purse this mornig. the song "hotline, hotline.... calling on the hotline to your love" has been stuck in my head for a lot of the day today and i hate it. today i was the magic carpet operator it was really cold. i hate the magic carpet for being so cold but there was a squad of 5 kids today who got a big kick out of riding the magic carpet to the top, then taking the stairs back down again. it wasnt malicious or anything it was fun and gave me smth to do other than stand coldly thinking abt how cold i was.

the woodstove hoever is very warm and i am tired and need to use the bathroom before i bring my cat upstairs to watch guardian & possibly even kamen rider kuuga before falling asleep. oh and dont forget to brush teeth before u pass out too. good night everyone. this is who i have found myself to be now. so, who are you?

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[cyber-zombiee]

so, went doctors on tuesday about my depression bouts & anxiety issues, and to see about getting retested for my dyspraxia (i hadn’t been properly diagnosed in the past when i was a kid, the doctors just guessed i was somewhere in the autism spectrum) so i can actually acquire proof so i can apply for living support seeing as i cant get a job. even though i’ve applied for maybe 150+ in the past 2 months?

well, they sent me home with some contraceptive pills for my hormones to see if that helps my depression lift, bc they think it’s “just a bump in the road...” it’s not a fucking bump in the road. i’ve been having breakdowns all week. in fact, no. i’ve been suffering for fucking years and it keeps getting worse & worse!! and i’ve already been on the pill and if anything they made it 10 times WORSE. and as for my retesting proposal they said they can’t do anything with that which is really shit bc it’s pretty obvious that i have problems with the way i talk or act or come across in general - hell my leg was shaking the whole time. so i dont know whatt hte fuck is happening there, so we’ve got to do this through the national autism society. i need this proof anyway in case if i get a job in hte future they’ll know that i’m not taking the piss. life’s fucking difficult for people like myself. to everyone else without these problems it’s a walk in hte park and they don’t understand what it’s like to be different.

also to top things off, yesterday i had a fucking full-on breakdown after looking at my account balance yesterday. literally last week i had around £120 on me, now i’m somehow down to £44 odd. that doesnt sound as bad but the situation’s a million times worse than that. before i went out my mum asked me how i was doing and i said i had around £300, bc i was thinking of my situation the previous month. how hte fuck am i going to clear this one up?? i feel that if i tell her that i made a mistake in remembering how much i had she’ll kick me out for being a fucking disgrace. and also i keep thinking about how my friends will view me bc i have no money now. like if tehy get me anytihng i wont be able to pay them back and it sucks bc i’ll feel like a sponge, even though they did that even before i had money. ive been assured that i’m not a sponge a million times but my mind twists it around and makes me think otherwise.

so now im sat here thinking about the right time to reveal this to my mum, working myself up again.

ffs i hate this

i dont want to be here