#it has no place here. here we only have natsumes sickeningly low self esteem

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 23)

Sorry. It's been a hot second... I missed a day because I got so busy with school that I actually forgot to update and also I just didn't have the time anyway. It's definitely not the end of the world but I'll post on Friday as well to make up for missing Monday.

In this part, we'll complete the Time-Travel Arc. Mikan makes a big choice and Natsume has to deal with the fact that he's the only one who can't dedicate himself to waiting, because he doesn't have enough time to, especially if Mikan won't be around.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty

They’ve just seen Yuka finally give birth to Mikan.

Natsume has been by Mikan’s side this whole time, because he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

But she’s about to make an announcement, because she’s decided something. Natsume looks shocked, almost like he knows what is even before she’s said it, but she is interrupted by another one of his coughing fits. He’s not the kind of person who’d want others to watch him suffer.

My throat hurts just looking at him.

When we first met Natsume, he went on frequent visits to the hospital. He was in a state of particular illness when he was kidnapped by Reo. After that, we saw the condition he was in while in bed during the Kaname/Bear chapter. I’d said then that Natsume was always in that much pain, but he managed to keep it to himself and tough it out until he was by himself in his room at night. Even after, when Tsubasa first finds out, he’s able to mostly keep it to himself.

Natsume is the kind of person who wants to keep his suffering to himself. He doesn’t like being caught with blood in his palm or dripping out of his nose. But he’s been getting worse and worse and he can’t keep up with his body anymore. He can’t always tough it out and pretend like he’s fine until he’s all alone anymore. He’s coughing more and more. His body can’t take it anymore. He’s in significantly worse shape now than he was when we first met him, and he was already dying then too.

The fact that he can’t hold it back, even in such an important moment when Mikan is about to make an important announcement, even when he’s surrounded by people, just goes to show how much suffering he’s in and how much worse it’s getting.

He brushes it off, like he always does, hiding his blood and reaching for the healing alice stone around his neck. He doesn’t want the attention on him, especially not for the sake of his stupid dying body.

But Kaoru has collapsed when running from the Academy pursuers. Yuka feels responsible, especially since Kaoru is in an especially vulnerable, pregnant state. So she gives Kaoru the alice stone she received from little Subaru. This is the same alice stone that Natsume just used for relief. It has passed many hands to end up in Natsume’s possession.

In the next scene they’re shown, Kaoru is struggling more than ever. They’re being pursued and Kaoru collapses again. Yuka finally realizes it: that Kaoru has the fourth type of alice, and she’s dying. She urges Kaoru to go easy on herself, for the sake of everyone, and then teleports away, unwilling to let her best friend suffer for her anymore.

We see a little flashback of Natsume getting Subaru’s alice stone for the first time. Kaoru gives it to him since she can see right away that he’s like her, getting sick whenever he uses his alice. It’s to protect him in her stead, because she knows that her life has a time limit on it. She then tells him he has to take care of his father and sister, and although she had nothing but good intentions, entrusting such a huge responsibility to a child, one that is already suffering with a life-shortening alice shape, can be damaging. And from what we know about Natsume, we know that he took all those words to heart and made it his only life’s mission to protect the people he loves, to the detriment of his own life and health.

Natsume has seen a great deal of his mother just now, and he’d never felt so close to her before. This is more than he’d ever known. He didn’t know about her bond with Yuka, or the true extent that Kaoru went through for her friend.

But Mikan is looking at him, and she’s obviously putting pieces together. So she asks him if he’s the same as his mother.

Natsume never wants anyone to worry about him. We know for a fact that he’s dying. We know that his body is in terrible shape. But Mikan is already crying, just at the thought of what he’s been suffering through. If he were to be honest now, as blunt as possible, then he would just be more of a burden. He doesn’t want her worrying about her and that’s more important than being honest. All he wants is to comfort her and minimize the pain she feels to the best of his ability.

LIAR!

So he hugs her again, and tells her that he won’t die, that he will not leave her.

But this moment isn’t all about comforting Mikan. He wants to live too. He doesn’t want to die. He promises that he’ll make it because he wants to believe it too. A long time ago, more than a hundred chapters ago, Natsume was willing to blow himself up so that his suffering could finally come to an end. He didn’t see any more value in his life. All he ever did was burden people around him. He felt like he couldn’t protect anybody, like all did was drag the people he loves into darkness. When he met Mikan, that changed. She talked about his future like he had one and even though he’s been resisting, ever since, he’s also seen it. He desperately wants what he’s always forbidden himself. He can’t have even half of what Yuka had dreamt of: getting married and starting a family with someone you love, making a warm home.

Of course he’d like that too! But he won’t make it. His whole life, he’s known he wouldn’t make it. Why waste his time trying anyway? Why waste the girl’s time just to break her heart? He won’t be able to live that long, so he’s distanced himself from everyone. He won’t make friends or really try with the girl he loves because it would be for nothing. From the beginning he tried to accept that and just deal with it, but the longer he knew Mikan and the further he fell in love with her, the harder that was to stick with. How can you give up on something that your whole heart is screaming for? He wants to live. He wants to be with Mikan, as long as he can.

He’s not making this promise out of callousness. He’s making it because he wants it to be true. He doesn't want to break it. He wants to be able to have a future.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-One

Natsume and Mikan are hugging. She’s crying, because she doesn’t want him to die. He’s promising he won’t go, because he also doesn’t want to die. But they’re not alone. He looks up at Ruka and immediately feels guilt.

It's been nice seeing the return of Natsume&Ruka again... The gap arc and even the Sports Fest really lacked their dynamic and it always bothers me how little they interact during that time. Seeing Ruka now stick up for Natsume and consider his feelings watching the flashbacks regarding Kaoru, and now giving Natsume his blessing... It's just nice to have my favorite friendship back.

So far, Natsume has done his all to be Team Ruka. He wants his best friend to be happy, for the girl he loves to be happy, so why not together? They deserve happiness. He has forbidden himself from even considering that Mikan could ever choose him. He can’t make anybody happy, after all. All he does is drag people into darkness, steal their smiles away like he did to Ruka, leave them unprotected like he did to Aoi, leave them all alone and lonely like he did to his father. But he can’t leave the embrace now.

He looks at Ruka with guilt because he is sorry. He really did try not to end up like this.

I get a little confused with this, but it's made clear at the beginning of the arc that the time window makes it possible for telepathic conversations, so we know for sure that Natsume is hearing these words from Ruka, receiving his blessing, but it also looks like Mikan can hear it too, and perhaps everyone else. How the heck would I know! Whatever. The possibility of her hearing will be covered in the next POV essay. Why does Mikan keep trying to weasel her way into Natsume's chapter anyway? Stay in your lane, Mikan. You'll have your turn!

But Ruka doesn’t want Natsume to be sorry. He loves Natsume too. And if he can’t be with the girl he loves, then he would want her to be with Natsume, who loves her too, who prioritizes her happiness. He would want her to be with Natsume, because she makes him happy and gave him a reason to live. Natsume wouldn’t make that kind of promise and want to mean it if he hadn’t met Mikan. So Ruka urges Natsume to stop holding back. He’d been resisting for so long, not being honest and not doing what he wanted to this whole time because he always put everyone else’s happiness above his own.

But the flashbacks continue, and Yuka has no choice but to give Mikan up, so that her daughter will not suffer the way she has. All she wants is for Mikan to be safe and happy, so she lets her go and suffers on her own.

Mikan has made her decision, but everyone already knew it would end up this way. She will leave the academy to be with her mother.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Two

Facing the news, Natsume is shocked. He knew it would end with Mikan choosing to leave with Yuka too, but he really didn’t want it to be like this.

Hotaru and Tsubasa and Ruka and everyone else can promise to meet Mikan again in the future, no matter how long it takes. But if Mikan isn’t there, what kind of future has Natsume been looking forward to?

Watch this, Lis! You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half!

Natsume isn’t selfish, though. He won’t say anything. He stays silent because it wouldn’t be fair. But this is the saddest that he’s been in quite some time. He’s heartbroken. If she leaves, he won’t ever see her again. He will die. He doesn’t have eternity to promise her, even if he wants to.

She looks at him to say sorry that it has to be this way, but Natsume’s feelings show on his face and she crumbles too. He won’t say anything, because he genuinely doesn’t want to make this harder for her than it already is, but even for someone like him, who always puts himself dead last, it’s hard to not feel these feelings of heartbreak.

I have a lot of love for this arc, especially because of the parallels. It’s pretty clear that Natsume got his looks and a lot of personality traits from Kaoru. He looks just like her, if a lot less smiley, and he’s also prone to dry humor and teasing his friends when he’s in a good mood. But the darker elements of his personality--like his tendency to give everything up and the fact that he’s suffered his entire life--have so much in common with Yuka, too. I’m sure Natsume noticed the similarities too.

Yuka had to give Mikan up to protect her, even though she loves her more than anything, even though all she really wanted was to start a family with her. Yuka’s future will never be what she wanted it to be. She will never be able to watch Mikan grow up. She has to give it up for Mikan’s sake.

"I couldn't protect her in any way but to let her go." - Natsume from the moment he fell in love with Mikan (it's actually a Yuka quote jsyk, I'm just making a connection). Why didn't we ever get a real Natsume-Yuka interaction? I've been robbed.

And Natsume gives Mikan up too, even though all he wants is a future with her, even though he loves her more than anything. Just like Yuka, his future will not be a pleasant one. They give up their own little pocket of sunshine so that the sunshine doesn’t get bogged down by the darkness they have to live in all the time. There is too much dark for light like that to survive.

The next scene that we see is Kaoru on the run, driving as fast as she can from some pursuers. Yuka just wants Kaoru to be safe, but it’s not to be. Her car crashes into a bus or a truck and her life ends.

Natsume has no choice but to watch it happen. Natsume isn’t as emotive as Mikan. He doesn’t run to the window to keep it from happening. He doesn’t collapse onto the floor. He simply stands there and keeps all the pain to himself. He wants to be the person Mikan can rely on for comfort, but he would never turn to somebody else for comfort, to burden them with his sadness. He won’t do it for his heartbreak, and he won’t do it for his mother’s death. He just takes it all on his own, because he always does. Besides, he always knew this would happen.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Three

He wants to just take it all on his own, but almost everyone is worried about him. Unfortunately, Natsume doesn’t even have a moment of mourning for himself before the topic is suddenly changed to the Z boss. I understand that in universe they might be feeling stressed for what’s happening back in the present, and all the questions anybody brings up are important to talk about, but I do personally resent this a little. Natsume doesn’t even have the time to be comforted by anybody because the moment is suddenly on anything and everything else. Just like Mikan, he had to watch a parent die, but nobody’s had the time to hold him. Even if he wouldn’t let them worry, I’d rather see what would happen when his friends try. If there was just a little more time spent on Natsume’s reaction to it, and his friends wanting to comfort him, I’d feel better. As it is, the scene simply moves on as though it hardly matters. Not my favorite transitional moment in the arc, for sure.

So Mikan got many pages of rightfully being able to cry and mourn her father but Natsume gets this one page for his mother before everyone changes the subject? Jeez, Natsume, it happened like ten years ago! When are you gonna just get over it already?! I guess on the next page. Everyone else does, after all. :/

Although there was hardly any time for Natsume to mourn his mother (I’m still salty), Tono makes sure to take the time so everyone can give Mikan an alice stone for the future. Everyone tries to make her a stone, and they all vary in size and shape. Mikan catches Natsume’s eye. He’s the only one who hasn’t given her one yet.

He wordlessly gestures to the necklace with alice stones that she’s wearing. She finally knows for sure that the mysterious red stone she got before Valentine’s Day was from Natsume. He won’t say anything about what it meant for him. He stays silent the whole time, because anything he says could just make things harder. He’s already said what he needed to, without saying a word: that little pebble she gave him meant the world to him, so he had to give her something in return.

I want to see Natsume cry. I want to see him bawling. Why don't we get to see this kid cry? I'm pissed about it. Why does he swallow everything? No wonder he's so fucking sick.

Maybe Natsume doesn't say anything because there's nothing more to say. Maybe he stays quiet because he doesn't trust himself to not sound bitter or upset if he does. Maybe he shuts up because he's just been through an emotional ordeal and can't bring himself to. An emotional goodbye with Mikan seems like something he'd want, but it's less painful for both of them to not address any of the feelings he's been obvious about all night. It's an elephant in the room she doesn't need to point out. He doesn't want to get rejected. It's enough that she knows that she's loved, even if she doesn't love him back. Even if she never will because she's leaving and he'll never see her again. He'd rather they have this as their formal goodbye (not that they're parting right away) so that he doesn't say the wrong thing or hear the inconvenient thing.

He's put his whole heart on his sleeve and she hasn't said it back all night. He can guess for himself what that means, and he's accepted it. He accepted it from the beginning, when she first tackled him in that warehouse. She knows how he feels now. She has his stone around her neck too. That's the most he'll get forever, and he'll accept it. Accepting things is what he does.

Conclusion

Natsume loves Mikan and she knows it. There's no way that after everything that happened this night that she could walk away oblivious. She hasn't said much about her own feelings, so Natsume has no reason to assume she feels the same. He's about to be separated from her, and even though it's one of the hardest things he's ever had to deal with, he does. He swallows it, like he always does, and doesn't say a single word in protest.

In the next segment, we'll see Natsume continue to swallow it. He completely surrenders, because they only thing he really wants is for Mikan to be safe. He gives up completely. He won't even say goodbye when he's about to part with her for good, but one tiny moment will change everything and uproot every single assumption Natsume has ever made about how she must feel about him.

Sorry if this isn't properly cleaned up. I felt okay starting the editing process but I started feeling a bit sick as I went along and now I'm tired. It's late. Anyway I'll probably update tomorrow's much earlier in the day, after I visit the clinic to find out if I'm anemic. Yes, I am stupid (locked myself out of my car again) AND possibly anemic (hair keeps falling out). We exist.

It seems like the tags won't let me say it but the title image is Populaire-flavored (Zoe gets it, no doubt). Macarons and retro outfits bring Populaire to mind. I like that movie.

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