#it isn't Traced or anything but i want it to be clear that i didnt want to edit their art

[beejoco]

All eyes on me!

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

The smoking cravings have been strong and I'm barely hanging on. I hear myself bargaining, just one, just one pack, I won't go back to it permanently. But I want to keep my quit date sacred, and I know my last one was stale but it was also so gross I didn't finish it, and I so often was nauseated and felt terrible afterward, I remember begging myself to quit. I hated keeping the secret, hated spending the money, hated the distraction, hated the coughing and the decreased lung capacity and numb fingers, hated the idea of dying like my grandma and dad.

But I want to destroy myself. My ED has never been this bad (is that true?) - maybe because I know exactly what I'm doing, I know it's not for my health, the orthorexia morphing into straight up bulimia, clear and intentional periods of restriction until I can't stand it, and then intentional secretive binges that physically hurt. I struggle to eat in front of other people, want to leave social situations because I'm sick from hunger and want to be alone to either sleep or drink or drug it off, or to binge. I've been wanting to drink to be numb, but I can't afford the cost or calories. I bounce between increasing doses of Benadryl and 5 calorie energy drinks to suppress my appetite. I refuse to grocery shop. I hate my face, clutch my waist, trace the lines of my collarbones. I feel weak, shaky, tired, and I've only been consuming as much as I need to in order to work my ass off at the house reno.

If I smoke now, I'll never stop. I'll buy a pack, melt into the bliss of the first drag, the snap of my lighter, the ritual of tearing off the wrapper and liner. I'll savor the peace of my crouch outside my door, nature and silence and music, an opportunity to meditate and burn. I'll want another, will want to binge while I can, not waste the pack, but then I won't be ready to quit after an even 20 and I'll buy another. I'll feel so much shame around sullying my quit date, knowing there will never be anything as meaningful, and I won't stop again until what, his birthday? I hear myself saying it won't count, like the stale half cigarette didnt count on that day I was stumbling drunk and terrifyingly suicidal.

Hmm, but the bargaining continues... I have my doc appt this Friday, will hopefully get anxiety meds, will have this week to smoke the pack and then get some fucking medicine for this angst in my blood.

I said it would be a one pack relapse last time. I know I lose control. I know this isn't recovery. I quit my therapist and I'm hiding it. Ugh fuck it no fuck it, I want to burn. I know quitting is excruciating and this will make it harder to stay quit, I've made it over four months, this is all psychological and it's gruesome to be physically chained... but everything hurts. I want to break. I don't care.

Edit: I bought the pack, struggled to rip off the foil, enjoyed the glimmer of scent that reminds me of the roof of the Union, and then lit one. I loved the ritual of lighting and placing it between my fingers, but immediately the taste was foul. I tried again, started to feel the lightest brush of a head rush, but the flavor worsened. I kept trying, inhale after inhale, but I didn't get used to the taste. It was awful and my stomach started to turn and my body felt dead and hot and gross. I stubbed it out halfway through and tossed the rest of the pack in the dumpster. What a fucking anticlimactic relapse.

So obviously I made cinnamon sugar toast and another cup of coffee. I want to ignore work and numb out with a book or fanfic but I guess I'll keep building these goddamn reports and showing up for life. What a crock.

[tevatstavern]

Injuries and affections.

- bennett seems to feel a little worn out after all his adventures lately, maybe its time to head back to Mondstadt and pay you a little visit too while he's at it.

[Bennett x g.n reader] [no t.w] [slight fluff at the end]

a.n my apologies, I made this at like 23:48 and I can't seem to keep my eyes longer lmaoo

-•-

With a huff, he clenched his sword tightly, before wiping off any dirt or sweat that came near in contact with his eyes. One of the last remaining's of Hilichurls, now lying and evaporating into small and thin blue particles, slowly drifting away to the skies.

Grabbing the damaged mask it left on the bristling grass, he decided to keep it. After all, it's a fortune to see a drop from these creatures after all!

As much as he was having fun adventuring off from Mondstadt to Liyue for the first time- including some bad luck striking him down here and there. -he felt tired. Drained, even. At first he thought maybe it was some type of tiredness he didn't know about, but that was proven fake by himself feeling the same as each day passes by a new dawn.

But then it strucked him! Both literally and figuratively. It was how he never stopped himself to relax as he continued on his journey along Liyue.

Most of the time, it was either he got chased down by a swam of Hilichurls, a massive thunderstorm with a high chance of being struck down and losing heat, and some group of Geovishaps that managed to cross paths with him, causing him to retreat in alarm as he watched them quickly roll towards him in such great speed.

He never had a chance to breathe at all. And besides, most of the chests he've found had only vegetables with a occasional artifact and such within them. He appreciates it, he really does! But its taking such a toll on him.

And so, he decided to stop his adventures for now and head back towards Mondstadt. A little break, he says to himself. A little break.

Following the pathway, he slowly made his way towards the bridge. The familiar city with its opened gates filled him with euphoria. The sun rays beaming down on the city, it's windmills moving with the wind, all together. It was truly a sight. And oh boy, he sure does miss it!

Breathing in the air, he sighed happily. The weight on his shoulders while he was traveling in Liyue had suddenly disappeared. Lifting his head high, with his grin plastered across his face, he took his first steps across the bridge.

"I'm--!

-baaaaack..." He groaned out, rubbing his forehead as he lets [y.n] scold him for his reckless behaviour. "Yes I know, and I'm happy to see you! But did you seriously trip over nothing while you were crossing over the bridge?" They sighed, wiping off the excess dirt that nudged his skin from across the table.

"Don't worry, about me [y.n]! I'm already used to it, hehe. Besides, I'm here to relax and see you too!" He grinned, giving them one of their signature thumbs up. They could only shake their head in disbelief, the curve of their lips turning upwards slightly at his adorable gesture.

"A ray of sunshine as always, I see." They replied, their hair flowing gently from the winds. His green eyes observing each strand as the wind blew stronger, his eyes shining brighter with a slightly gaping mouth. Snapping back to reality, he quickly nodded. A small blush slowly forming across his face, he could feel himself heating up.

"Y-yeah! Of course! There's no need to get sad and mopey at such a small thing after all!" He replied, his jumbled up words in the beginning messing up his delivery. With a chuckle, [y.n] retracted their hands before clearing their throat. "Well, at least this time you didn't cause such a mess here, in Good Hunter." A full smile now seen across their face.

Now acknowledging the fact he, infact, didnt cause a single mischief in Good Hunter yet, he gasped in surprise. "You're right! And I've just noticed it now! Is it because... you're right here with me and my bad luck isn't as bad it was before? Hehe, just a guess." He nervously laughed, scratching his head as he felt his face heat up more than the previous one.

Laughing, [y.n] slowly stood up from their chair and walked towards Bennett. Their eyes immediately finding one another as the spark burst through their veins. Though, they were both sure that their hearts were beating faster than usual.

It was no secret that the both of them have been crushing on one another for such a long period of time. The both of them were completely oblivious! 'They were a match made in heaven' the citizens of Mondstadt would say beneath their breaths. Even Kaeya himself, the charming yet flirtatious man could tell they were both lovestruck from a mile away.

"Maybe, but I think thats mostly just you and your positivity today. Come on! we still have to go to Timaeus for some of your equipment and talent skills." Nodding along to their words, Bennett quickly stood up and placed his chair back to its original position, before quickly catching up with [y.n].

"You know... I never gotten to ask how you were doing today." Bennett spoke out, walking slowly as humanly they both could be. Tracing behind them as he stared at the Cathedral from above. The bushes moving softly as the wind blew harder once again. Shielding his eyes with his hand, he blinked a few times before retracting his hand back.

It almost felt like the wind was trying to tell him something...

"Oh, well. Same old same old, I never changed much while you were away. I'm still the good ol' Mondstadt citizen you know."

"Huh? You didn't do anything at all while I was away?"

"Yeah, I didn't find much fun in anything with you gone and away. It was boring, but there wasn't anything I could do."

He was sure his heart skipped a beat, but in a more rapid way. Shaking his head to remove the fuzziness in his mind, he then placed a hand across his chest. Feeling his heart beat in such a rapid pace, just because of their words...

Is this what it feels like to be in love?

"W-woah! That's such a big compliment coming from you... B-but maybe we can hangout with eachother while adventuring! And we can find some treasure chest while we're at it too!" He exclaimed, making his hands turn into a fist before raising it high up to the air with such enthusiasm.

"Well, if you want to! Of course, hehe." He quickly added in. [y.n] could only just chuckle in return, a blush apparent in their features, accepting the invitation in a heartbeat.

"Of course, I wouldn't mind it one bit! Anyways, we're here. Go ahead and do what you need to do with that alchemist powers of yours!" With a chuckle, he gave his signature thumbs up and grin that seems to always be apparent on his face. And immediately went working on the materials needed to build and talents to upgrade.

Though it might've taken quite longer to craft the materials. With them standing by his side, as they idly chatted about common things, sometimes Timaeus would also join in. He could feel his free hand being intertwined by theirs slowly, and then gently squeezing it. So, with a happy stretched smile across his face, slightly hidden by his hair. He squeezed it back reassuringly.

Even if he doesn't get to confess his love yet, a simple affection was enough to make him feel happy and contented the whole day.

"Huh? How come I've only received 10 of these, when I made 23?"

"Bennett, I think your bad luck is starting to come out again..."

-

Not the best;; since it's my first time writing anything for a actual Character. But! If there's any request. I'll try my best to write them down!